Dear Princess Celestia

by Slateblu1

Rating: teen
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Death, Twilight Sparkle, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1382

More than three hundred years after becoming a princess, Twilight looks back at her long life.

Twilight Sparkle has been the princess of Friendship for over three hundred years. She has watched countless ponies die. She has helped more than she cares to admit through the pain of loss. She has watched as time marched on and even the most important are forgotten to time.

Twilight is ready to move on.

Published 2018-04-07 17:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-07 17:50:06 UTC

Thank You For So Much

Dear Princess Celestia,

It has been a long time since I last wrote those words. Not since you made me an alicorn, and the Princess of Friendship, really. We've talked here and there, but nothing like we did before that point. In the years, I have learned much. I've known the deepest of friendships, the strongest of loves, the bitterest of resentments. None of that compares to how well I know death.

I know you are far more intimate with her cold embrace. You have had thousands of years to love, to lose, to grieve. In that time, I am sure you have found ways of coping with that pain. I certainly have.

I remember when Fluttershy passed. We were all shocked. She had kept her symptoms from us for so long. I guess she had just gotten used to hiding them. Looking back, I can remember when she stopped flying; I guess because her wings hurt too much to. I see why she only got more fearful; it went after her mind. Getting that letter was painful. Writing the one to you was no easier. I grieved for months.

We had years before anyone else passed. Time for me to accept that I would indeed not just outlive them, but by a lot. To accept that you had cursed me with true immortality. That made watching Rarity slowly pass easier. Not much, mind you, but a little. I at least knew I was going to watch all four of them pass away. Rarity's death was the hardest. We watched as she slowly forgot everything.

It started small, she'd miss a meet up here and there. Those little things here and there; her keys, directions, locking up, her sewing needles. Then it got worse. She would briefly forget our names, have trouble finding the right words. We laughed it off at the time, they were all getting old. I should have seen it sooner.

I had to start helping her with her taxes around then. She had been having trouble with her business empire: she couldn't remember how to add. I recall her forgetting that she had a boutique in Canterlot at all. She had long since hoofed down management, but she still kept one eye on it all. I stepped in at that point. I knew something was wrong. We got her in and found out what was wrong. Sweetie Bell took her in and stayed with her. I swore I would never forget her, even as she forgot who I was. When she finally forgot all of us, Sweetie knew it was time. We all knew she wouldn't have wanted to pass like that.

Pinkie went out with a bang. We found a letter at her final party, explaining how she knew her time was coming. I don't know how she managed it, but I can't feel anything but joy when I think about it. Bittersweet joy, certainly, but never just sorrow.

Rainbow passed in her sleep. No fuss, just calmly left us; a stark difference from the larger than life mare and how she had lived. I suppose it was fitting in a way. She was finally resting.

Applejack was last. I spent as much time with her as I could after Rainbow passed. I hadn't been there when any of my other friends passed; I had to be there with her. She didn't make it easy, hanging on to life the way she did. But when she finally breathed her last, I was right there with her. For the first time, I felt ready for a death. I still grieved, but I didn't fall apart.

I know Shinning passing was hard on Cadence. They had spent years together. But she was never immortal; she grew old just a bit slower than the rest. I grieved her passing too. How could I not? After my closest friends, though, I had started to grow used to it. It still hurt, I was still left with a hole in my heart, but after watching so many of those close to me pass, I knew how I needed to grieve.

But it has been many years since then. Well over three hundred. The Cutie Mark Crusaders have passed on. My friends children, grandchildren, and great grand children have all passed away. And through all of this, I have sat, unaging. I have watched thousands upon thousands of ponies pass away. I have even dealt with ponies asking how to remember their friends who had passed. Those were hard.

But as with everything, it became easier with time. I've had a lot of time; too much time I would say. A decade ago Spike pointed out that I had become dispassionate in what I did. That I put no heart or feeling into the advice I gave. I took a hard look at myself after that. I'm sure you remember how I withdrew for a year. I was thinking over what Spike had said.

He was right, as always. It wasn't just in my voice, my word choice had become cold and clinical. I spoke in terms of individuals of importance, maximizing and minimizing. I was starting to turn relationships into equations. I'm thankful that Spike caught me early, before I could do any harm.

In that year, I took a look at my life, at who I had become. I realized that I wasn't who I had wanted to be. I spent a lot of time dwelling on my friends, and I came to an important realization.

I can't be the Princess of Friendship if I don't have any friends. I certainly have you and Luna, but that isn't enough. I questioned why I hadn't made friends since they had passed and the answer was obvious; somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I would out live them, and only have more deaths to grieve.

So of course, I had to make new friends. I am the Princess of Friendship after all. Then I realized something more important. I would be trying to replace the friends I had lost. No matter how much time passes, some part of me will always be comparing anyone new to those five. I can't do that. I know you don't, and I don't know how, I just know that it will take me centuries to reach that point.

So I decided, I can't be the Princess of Friendship anymore. But I decided on something more important.

Princess Celestia, my beloved teacher.

I am ready to die.

Over the last ten years, I have worked out how to undo the curse you placed on me. It took so much of my time, but I have figured it out. I will be casting the counterspell before you read this letter.

I've spent years coming to terms with this. I've had plenty of time, to be honest. Most don't get to just sit down and think about it. I have. I have spent years considering this. I spent time thinking about how it was watching my friends pass on. I took the time to think about what it meant to me to know I would outlive them.

To me, this immortality has become a curse. I have to watch as everything around me grows old and dies. I have to meet people, knowing that one day I'll wake up and they'll be long dead. Most people haven't even heard of the Elements of Harmony or the bearers. My friends have become stories and legends. I can't begin to describe how much that hurts.

I feel like I'm becoming you, in a way; untouchable. I don't want that. I don't want to be seen as a princess above all. I never really wanted that. But with each year, each decade, each century, that passes, that is what I have become. Less of a pony and more of an personification. Less an individual, more an ideal. Friendship can never be that.

Goodbye, Princess Celestia. You have taught me so much, showed me the way through so many trials, stood by me through so much pain. I will never forget that, but it is time for me to move on.

Goodbye, Princess, Mentor, Friend.