The Fastest Vegan in All of Equestria
By Macon Mixx
"Ah just don't see the sense in it, Rainbow. You talk about eatin' hay and oats and carrots... all of the things us ponies already eat! What's the big fuss about?"
The farmer's question, although directed to the colorful pegasus, was answered by a bookish unicorn.
"Actually, there really is quite a difference between being vegan and the way that ponies in Equestria normally eat! For example, you know all those cows that live just southeast of town? Vegan means no more cows' milk! And remember all the chickens' eggs we get from Fluttershy? Eating vegan means no more of those, either! You might not think that it would be a big difference. I mean, nopony lives on ice cream and omelets. But milk and eggs are ingredients in lots of other foods, too! Pizza, oat smoothies, cupcakes…"
"NO MORE CUPCAKES?" A pink earth pony with an unruly mane looked in astonishment at the light blue pegasus who had suddenly become the mare of the hour.
"Well, I…"
Before she could get any more out, she was interrupted by a stunning white unicorn with a purple mane.
"Really, dear, I can't imagine passing my days in Ponyville without Pinkie Pie's delectable deserts! Whatever shall you do?"
"I didn't really think about everything that I would be giving up… But I'm still gunna do it! Nothing can stop Rainbow Dash, greatest flier in all of Equestria!" Dash struck a confident pose.
"Um… Rainbow? You don't really have to give anything up… If you don't want to..."
The demure yellow pegasus practically faded into the background while she was still speaking. Rainbow Dash had to lift up the new speaker's flowing pink mane, which she had hidden behind, in order to respond to her.
"Uh, Fluttershy, whatcha mean? Of course I don't have to go vegan. I want to!"
"No, um, I mean… I can teach you how to make cupcakes and things without eggs or milk. If that's okay with you."
"Aw, sweet! You mean I can be vegan and still have cupcakes?! This is going to be so awesome!
Dash and Fluttershy had left their other friends behind and were headed to Fluttershy's cottage, on the border of the Everfree Forest. Dash was flying circles around the yellow pegasus, who, as usual, was trotting along the ground despite her wings.
Rainbow slowed down and flew low to the ground in front of her friend to ask her a question.
"Hey Fluttershy! I was thinkin'. How do you know how to cook vegan?"
"Well... Um... For a while I... For a while I ate that way, I guess."
"You guess that's how you were eating? Ha! You're a laugh, Fluttershy!"
"Yes, um, well... I didn't want to cause any pain or discomfort to my animal friends, and I was afraid that the milk I was taking or the eggs I was using might be inconveniencing them. But Moolissa and Henrietta assured me that it was really quite alright, so I went back to how I had been eating before."
"Psssh... My reason for eating vegan is at least 20% cooler."
"Oh? Um... I'm sure it is. Why did you decide to eat vegan, Rainbow Dash?"
"Have you ever thought about where that stuff comes from? It's soooo gross! I mean, I can't believe ponies put that in their mouths!" Rainbow made a disgusted face, to emphasize her story.
"I mean, think about eggs. Did you know that they come out of a hen's..."
Rainbow leaned in close to whisper the final word of her sentence into her friend's ear. Instantly, the yellow mare was blushing.
"You know, there really are nicer words for... body parts... than that. You could use them, if you want to."
Her flying friend seemed to miss her comment entirely.
"And milk is just as bad! It comes from... you know... These!"
At this, Rainbow reared up and pointed to her own nethers. Although ponies don't usually wear clothing, their udders are quite small and normally well covered by their bodies. Except when they deliberately flash their friends, as Rainbow was now doing.
"Come on... would you really want to put your mouth on that?"
Fluttershy's blush, which had previously been restricted to her cheeks, suddenly seemed to engulf her entire body. She wasn't entirely sure if she could honestly answer "No". But Rainbow had made her point. Fluttershy was friends with many of the local bovines, but she found the thought of suckling their teats "udderly" disgusting. Drinking milk, she supposed, wasn't really that different.
"Blushing because my reason for being vegan is so much cooler than yours?" Dash gloated. "That's okay. There can only be one coolest pony in Ponyville."
Fluttershy, thankful that her friend had not pressed for an answer to the original question, let Rainbow gloat while she continued on towards her cottage in silence.
"Alright, well, first, I'm going to show you how to make milk!"
Rainbow Dash looked askance at her yellow friend.
"I know I was napping through most of health class, but I'm pretty sure that's not something a mare just decides to do. Besides, I didn't volunteer to replace cows' milk with my own! I was just going to stop using the stuff. I don't want to be a flying milk factory!"
Fluttershy's blush, which had only just subsided, was already beginning to return.
"Um... actually... I was gunna show you how to make milk from plants."
"Ooooh! I get it! Like, we're going to make fake milk! That does sound a lot better!"
"Yes... um... Yes, it does."
"So what do we need?"
"Well, you can make it from soybeans, but soy is from Neighpon, and it's pretty hard to get."
"Well, what other options do we have?"
"You could use rice, but the milk it makes isn't very filling or nutritious."
"Uh huh? What else?"
"Almonds work great, but they're so expensive..."
"Good Celestia! Do you have any ideas that will actually work, or did you just bring me here to drive me crazy!"
"Well, we could always use cashews. They're super filling, and there is a big cashew tree on the edge of the forest, not far from my cottage, and..."
"CASHEWS!!! Are you crazy? Those are poisonous! Are you trying to kill me?!"
Rainbow Dash was suddenly on the opposite side of the cottage as Fluttershy, hurling paranoid accusations at her friend.
"They're really good once you get inside them!" Fluttershy protested. This might have been the most she had stuck up for herself in years. She continued explaining, "You just have to roast them first and burn away the poison."
"Oh, great," Dash replied, calming down from her outburst. "That's just what I want to do all day. Not practicing flying... Roasting poisonous nuts!"
"You can if you want," Fluttershy replied, oblivious to Rainbow's sarcasm. "But I have a whole jar full in my kitchen here that are already roasted."
In the blink of an eye, Dash had zoomed from the corner into which she had retreated and over to the jar that Fluttershy had indicated with her hoof.
"Mmmm... sheesz ahhre GRAETE!" Rainbow said through a mouthful of nuts. "Show haow ahhre whee ghunna maik shem ehnto mihlk?"
"First we have to let them soak in water for an hour."
"Ah whowle howur?!" Dash exclaimed, spewing cashew bits everywhere. "Whash ahhre whee ghunna shoe while shey'hre shoaking?"
"Well, I could show you some things you can use to replace eggs," Fluttershy offered.
"Humfhh... Shy ghuesh."
The yellow pegasus stood in front of the chalkboard which was, inexplicably, in the middle of her front room. Dash couldn't help but wonder where it had come from. However, she didn't have long to wonder before her teacher began to speak up.
"Welcome to Egg Replacer 101! First things first. To replace an egg, you must know what eggs do! Eggs have all sorts of different roles in cooking. Normally, we don't think about them much because one egg does them all. But there aren't any substitutes that can work just like an egg, so you're going to have to find the right one for each recipe!"
Rainbow sighed. This was already reminding her of middle school.
"Eggs can act as liquid or leavening, give foods flavor or texture, or just help things stick together! In casseroles, where stickiness is most important, farina is a great substitute for eggs. In chilled desserts, where eggs often help to add moisture and texture, applesauce or smashed bananas can be a good choice. In baked goods, where texture and leavening are most important, you can make your own egg replacer with tapioca flour and baking soda or buy one pre-made at the store. Where eggs are the substance of a dish, try using marinated tofu or tempeh instead. You'll be surprised at how yummy it is!"
Lost in her enthusiasm, Fluttershy continued teaching for several minutes before realizing that her pupil was fast asleep.
"Oh, you poor thing. You must be so tired! Let me get you a blankie. We can learn all about this when you wake up."
Rainbow Dash slowly drifted awake. She had been having the strangest dream about trying to make milk and eggs out of sticks. As she opened her eyes, she saw the inspiration for the dream all around her.
"Oh, you're awake! Do you feel all better? I hope you are well rested. It's important to get enough sleep!"
Dash wasn't yet quite awake enough to reply, and so her friend continued.
"I noticed that you didn't do so well with my lesson, so I thought we should try a demonstration instead! Are you ready?"
The words "Are you ready" triggered something deep inside Rainbow's soul. In an instant, she was up and standing beside Fluttershy.
"Ready!" she exclaimed.
"Oh, that's wonderful! Here now, these are flax seeds. Have you ever seen these before?"
Rainbow looked at the tiny brown seeds Fluttershy had poured into her hoof. She had heard of flax. Rarity had asked her to fetch a special shipment of it for her from somewhere out east. Of course, she had been busy that day. Busy napping, that is. So Rainbow hadn't actually seen flax for herself.
"No, but I thought you made cloth from the stuff, not food!"
"Well, the seeds are a great replacement for eggs, and I'm going to show you how to use them, um, if that's okay with you."
Dash perked up. Actually getting to do something would beat listening to Fluttershy's "Egg Replacer 101" lecture any day.
"First, hold them over this bowl and grind them between your hooves."
"That'll be a snap!" Rainbow exclaimed as she quickly completed her task.
"Oh, that's a very good job for your first time! Now, I need you to get some hot water from over on the stove and add it to the flax meal."
In an instant, Dash galloped to the stove and back holding the handle of a pot of near-boiling water in her mouth.
"Ten. Seconds. Flat. Is that a new record for the Cross-Kitchen Hot Water Trot?"
"Well, I never really kept records, so I suppose it would be new."
"Yes! I did it! I set a record! I set a record!"
"Um, but you still need to add the water to the ground up flax and stir it a bit."
"Oh, right. I knew that!"
In her haste to cover up her first mistake, Rainbow Dash made a much larger error. After pouring the hot water over the flax seeds, she tried to stir the mixture with her hoof. The heat wasn't much of a bother, hooves being insensitive, but it wasn't long until more of the gooey mixture was on her hoof than in the bowl she was stirring.
"Hey! It's sticking to me!" Rainbow exclaimed as she reached up to brush off the offending goo with her other front hoof.
"No, wait! Don't!"
Fluttershy tried to stop her, but it was too late. Rainbow now had the super-sticky mixture on both of her front hooves. To make matters worse, the mix continued to become even stickier as it cooled. Before long, Rainbow Dash was completely covered in her glue-like concoction. Her right wing was stuck to her left flank. Her left wing was glued securely to her face. Her back hooves were stuck together, one of her front hooves was stuck to the floor, and the other hoof was tangled in her mane.
"Get it off of me! Get it off of me!" Dash pleaded.
Fluttershy, in the heat of the moment, poured all of the water remaining in the pan over her sticky friend.
"AHHHHH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!" Dash cried.
At this, Fluttershy realized that she had just doused her companion in scalding water. She grabbed Dash by the tail and yanked her off the floor, dragging her as quickly as she could to the stream outside the cottage and submersing her therein.
It took some time for Rainbow to regain her senses after being glued, burned, and dumped in a river. But when she did, she noticed a very apologetic Fluttershy hovering over her.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Rainbow Dash! I didn't mean to get you stuck, or scalded, or nearly drowned in the stream. Is there any way I can make it up to you?"
Dash did her best to regain her cool, despite her injuries. She had a reputation to defend, after all.
"If you want to make it up to me," Dash quipped, "Pinkie Pie Promise that you will never, EVER tell anypony about what just happened!"
Fluttershy solemnly intoned the oath that Dash requested. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!"
"Good. Now, let's get lunch. What can we make that is easier than vegan cupcakes?"
Author's Note:
This short story was written for the speedfic contest at Equestria Daily. I didn't get to start until there were only 40 minutes left in the event, and I only had the first three pages written before I had to submit it. I did finish the whole story in two hours, it just wasn't the two hours everyone else was using. I enjoyed it, though, and I hope you did, too!
As for the title of this piece, I wanted to call it "Vegan Cupcakes", to contrast with the Dash fanfic of a similar name, but I decided the current title was catchier even if it lost the neat fanon reference.
~Macon Mixx
