Food Fight

by bahatumay

Rating: teen
Tags: Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Equestria Girls, Main 7 (EqG)
Length: 2734

Granny Smith brings out a once-in-a-lifetime cupcake in the cafeteria, and things get... a little crazy.

During a regular lunch period at CHS, Granny Smith brings out a cupcake, but it isn't just any cupcake. It's an almost-better-than-sex cupcake.

There is only one.

There can be only one way this ends. There can only be one winner.

Published 2018-04-10 02:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-10 02:30:07 UTC

There Can Only Be One

It was a typical day in the Canterlot High School cafeteria. Friends chatted, people ate, and everyone enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere and the break before the next class. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, and Sunset Shimmer all sat at a table, talking friendship. It was a normal, peaceful day.

And then Pinkie Pie gasped. “What is that?”

For Granny Smith had just brought out a single cupcake on a silver platter. It was large, round, made of chocolate cake, and with a large swirl of chocolate frosting crowning the top. She set it on the dessert section and walked back into the kitchen.

“Is that a…?” Sunset Shimmer asked.

“It is,” Rainbow Dash said, saliva dripping out the side of her mouth. “An almost-better-than-sex chocolate cupcake.”

“Granny’s specialty,” Applejack murmured. “She only makes these once in a blue moon.”

“I’ve only ever heard of these,” Rarity agreed.

“I’ve had one once,” Sunset Shimmer said reverently. “Once.”

“Is it really almost better than sex?” Fluttershy asked.

“Almost,” Sunset said. “It’s close, though. It’s really, really close.” Her fingers closed, as if she was imagining that cupcake in her hands already.

Rainbow Dash licked her lips, and her geode gleamed.

Applejack saw what she was going to do. “Don't you dare,” she warned her quietly. “That’s mine.”

“Not a chance,” Rainbow returned.

“Well, I saw it first,” Pinkie interjected.

“We'll make it fair, then.” Rainbow dropped into a sprinter’s pose and issued her challenge. “Race you for it!”

“Wait,” Twilight protested, holding up a finger; but she was ignored.

“One two three go!” Rainbow blasted off, a rainbow contrail blazing behind her. She made it across the cafeteria in record time, and it was almost a given that she was going to get it.

Almost.

Her forward progress was suddenly halted when a cafeteria table flew forward out of nowhere and slammed into her, spinning her and taking her out like a devastating hockey check.

“Ooph!” Rainbow wheezed, splayed across the floor.

Applejack chuckled—it had been she who had pushed the table—as she walked up, jumped off the table, and landed on the ground in a three-point stance. She let out a triumphant cackle and started sprinting towards the cupcake herself, but Rainbow had recovered enough to reach up, grab her ankle, and drag her to the ground. As Applejack fell, Rainbow climbed up her body, pulling herself forward, grabbing her leg, then her belt. She stopped when Applejack delivered a punishing elbow to her chest. Now wheezing but still fighting, Rainbow grabbed her hat to cover her eyes, and Applejack rolled over and pinned her down. Still scrambling, they moved forward… until a blue barrier of light stopped them cold. Applejack pressed her hand against it, confused.

“Really, darlings,” Rarity said, her hand raised. She strutted forward as blue diamond panels formed in the air and on the ground, forming a runway… and a protective wall around her path to the cupcake. “I’m not sure how else you thought this would go.”

As she stepped forward, though, a red bird landed on her shoulder. “Oh, ah, hello,” she said, slightly confused, as birds normally visited Fluttershy’s locker and not the cafeteria. Her eyebrow raised further as a second, blue bird landed on her other shoulder.

The birds nodded… and then started pecking madly at her hair over her ear, one after the other like woodpeckers, pulling strands out of place and yanking out individual hairs.

“Aiii!” Rarity shrieked. “Get them off, get them off, get them off!” She waved her arms frantically to try to do just that; and in the process, losing her concentration and letting the blue constructs vanish. Behind her, Fluttershy smiled, fingers still extended from her instructions. She smiled and strutted forward, ready to seize the prize herself.

A tiny sparkle of pink flashed out of the corner of her eye. They looked oddly like… sprinkles?

Her heart jumped. Oh, no…

The resulting explosion blasted her backwards, and she landed on both Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle, knocking them all to the floor.

“Sorry, Fluttershy!” Pinkie cried, leaping over them and sprinting forward. “But that almost-better-than-sex chocolate cupcake is mine!”

Twilight nudged Fluttershy's hips off her. “You mean, almost yours,” she called. She raised her hand and pulled down. Ceiling tiles rained down, and Pinkie Pie danced around them. She skipped to the side to avoid the first one, spun around to dodge the second, her hands raised above her head like she was doing a ballet routine, and skipped backwards to avoid a third.

But her dancing kept her back, unable to make progress towards the cupcake. Applejack and Rainbow Dash continued grappling on the ground nearby, and Rarity dodged feathers and beaks, forming constructs as shields, as Fluttershy directed her birds, arms waving, looking somewhat like an animal conductor of feathery doom.

Rainbow Dash managed to squirm out of Applejack’s grip, and made a mad dash for the cupcake. Rarity, still fighting off the birds but determined to make sure Rainbow wasn’t the winner, threw another construct to try to block her way; but Rainbow spin-dodged it. “Ha!” she crowed.

But Fluttershy had more than just two feathery friends, and one decided to introduce himself by flying into the back of her head. Rainbow squawked louder than the bird did as its claws dug for grip in her hair, wings flapping against the back of her head.

Applejack, seeing the collective attention had turned away from her, pushed herself up and made a run for the cupcake.

But Rarity had not had her coiffure ruined just to give up that easily. She held up her hand, forming a row of diamonds at her fingertips, and flung them like throwing knives. Applejack ripped the top off a nearby table and battered the constructs down, her super strength letting her wield the heavy tabletop like it weighed nothing.

Twilight looked up and to her horror, realized that she had run out of ceiling tiles. She looked at Pinkie, her heart nearly stopped in fear. So distracted was she by the other fights going on that she'd forgotten to have a backup plan.

And she was about to pay for her lapse in judgement.

With a devious smile flitting across her face, Pinkie held up her hand in front of her lips, the tips of her first two fingers pressed against her thumb, and blew. A stream of sprinkles floated across the cafeteria, and though Twilight tried to form some sort of shield to protect herself, she wasn't fast enough. Like a series of crackler fireworks, they exploded in quick succession, the bright lights and sharp cracks driving her backwards. She covered her face.

With Twilight thus indisposed, Pinkie Pie ran forward towards the cupcake, but Fluttershy pointed at her, and a squirrel darted in from nowhere and grabbed her leg. Pinkie hopped around madly, coming in between Rarity and Applejack, and in her mad kicking to free her leg, managed to deliver a kick right into Rainbow Dash’s buttocks, both freeing her from the bird and embarrassing her immensely at the same time.

“Hey!” In retaliation, Rainbow grabbed a soda can off a nearby table and threw it like a speedball at Pinkie, but either through skill or sheer dumb luck, Pinkie ducked right at the right time to dodge it.

Applejack had pressed her table against Rarity, pinning her to the wall, and opened her mouth to deliver a witty one-liner; but that one-liner never came because Rainbow’s sugary missile hit her on the side of her head, drenching her hat and ear in sugar.

Time seemed to pause for a moment. Applejack lowered the table and removed her hat, staring in dumbstruck horror at her ruined hat. Even Rarity looked affronted, as if Rainbow’s hit were figuratively below the belt.

“Oh, big mistake, partner,” Applejack seethed, dropping the tabletop and running towards Rainbow. “You're gonna pay for that!”

She tackled Rainbow Dash to the ground, and time sped up again, and it seemed like everyone else was distracted. Twilight stepped forward, but bumped into Sunset Shimmer. She smiled, sidestepped… but so did Sunset, cutting her off. Twilight gave her a slight smile, as if this were an awkward accident; but Sunset didn’t return it.

“Where are you going?” Sunset asked.

“I want the cupcake,” Twilight answered, as if it were obvious.

“Yeah,” Sunset returned. “So do I.”

“You’ve already had one once.”

“Which is why I’m willing to do anything it takes to get another,” Sunset said coldly. “Anything.”

The two girls stared at each other.

“So, it has come to this,” Twilight breathed.

“Yeah,” Sunset whispered back. “So it has.”

The room seemed to darken except for a circle of light around the two. Twilight held her hands out to her side, and Sunset held up her fists.

Twilight made the first move. She raised her hands up. Trays and plates swirled around her. She stepped forward, looking like a living whirlwind of cafeteria implements.

But Sunset was not dissuaded. She stomped down on the side of a tray, bouncing it up into her hands, and then, with a powerful twist of her hips, flung it like a frisbee. Twilight, lacking the sports ability to catch it, tried to dodge it instead; but the other end smacked her in the face, breaking her concentration, and the plates clattered to the ground.

Before she could react, Sunset sidestepped, grabbed Twilight’s wrist, and twisted, forcing her to the ground. “Nice try,” she said, folding Twilight’s arm behind her in an arm bar and pinning her down with her knee. She whispered in her ear, “But that cupcake is mine.”

Twilight wasn’t done. “Not yet, it’s not!” She raised her free hand, and tables all across the cafeteria raised up. Chairs and then students rose, too, causing people to cry out in surprise as their feet left the ground. Even the vending machines on the edge of the room weren’t safe, as everything in the room seemed to take on a glowing purple hue and levitate. Sunset didn't quite understand what she was doing until her vision flickered, catching images of memories that weren't her own. By forcing more power through her geode, Twilight was increasing the power of everyone's.

And providing an information overload for Sunset.

Sunset managed to last until the kitchen appliances started to rise. Overwhelmed by the cacophony and insane montage of images and sounds, she staggered backwards, standing up and clawing at her face to try and get rid of the voices that weren't hers.

She wasn't the only one affected. Applejack pushed Rainbow, intending to push her back, but instead sent her flying. In turn, though Rainbow quickly recovered, she misjudged her speed and slammed herself into the wall. Pinkie’s sprinkles blasted the feathers off the birds… and most of the hair back from her face. She coughed, pink smoke emerging from her mouth, and dropped to a seated position.

“Ha ha!” Twilight crowed, sprinting forward. “At last! The almost-better-than-sex cupcake is…” Her voice trailed off.

The cupcake was gone. The silver platter remained, but it was empty.

She looked back behind her. “It’s gone!” she called.

That shout shocked her friends into being still. Rarity gasped and her constructs faded. Fluttershy stared, and her birds (even the featherless one) returned to the top of her head, and the squirrels to her shoulder. Pinkie stared, unused sprinkles trickling out of her open hand onto the ground. Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked up, each others’ hair still in their hands.

“Where is it?” Twilight demanded.

Each of her friends shrugged in turn, silently professing their innocence. Twilight looked at its former place desperately, as if hoping it would somehow violate the laws of physics and reappear.

But then she heard the sound of munching. She lifted the display case and found Spike there, a discarded cupcake wrapper on the ground, chocolate smeared on his cheeks.

Spike burped, then suddenly realized he was the center of attention. “What?” he asked, wiping off his mouth.

Realizing that their previous fight had been all for nothing—and that they had been being a little silly—Twilight chuckled. She glanced over at everyone else. They looked at each other. Pinkie was the first to giggle, and the dam burst. Everybody laughed.

The end.

As Sunset Shimmer closed the homemade comic book, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo looked up eagerly. Expectantly.

Uncomfortably excitedly.

“That was…” Rarity started, her voice little more than a squeak. She took a cookie from the pile Granny Smith had left on the kitchen table and took a bite to stall. “Something,” she finished, once she'd swallowed.

“Sure was,” Twilight agreed. “Something.” Her mouth moved again. “Lacking the sports ability…?” she repeated silently, clearly unsure if she should be offended or not.

Fluttershy squirmed. “That seemed a little… violent,” she admitted. She glanced around at her friends. “I don't know how realistic that would be at all. I’m sure we would have shared it, or something like that.”

“I liked it,” Rainbow said. “But I’m with Fluttershy: it wasn't realistic at all. I would have totally won; I’d’ve gotten there and eaten that cupcake before anyone else could even blink.”

Scootaloo giggled. “I voted for you to win, but we couldn’t all agree on who should, and ended up choosing the winner out of a hat. And then Apple Bloom came up with the twist ending.”

Apple Bloom nodded proudly and reached down to scratch Spike behind the ears.

Rainbow gave Scootaloo a high-five, then looked over at Applejack, as if expecting her to confirm her supposed victory.

Applejack chewed her lower lip, her mind clearly on something else. “I… I’m still hung up on the whole ‘almost as good as sex cupcake’ thing,” she admitted. She squinted at the crusaders. “Where did you even come up with something crazy like that?”

“Yeah,” Sunset agreed, looking oddly squeamish. “Better question: what gave you the idea that I know a lot about, uh, sex?”

It was at about this time that the crusaders collectively realized that their project had not been met with the thunderous applause they'd hoped for. So Scootaloo fell back on the tried-and-true method of throwing one’s co-conspirators under the bus. “It was Sweetie Belle’s idea-”

“What?!” Sweetie protested.

“-because of your whole she-demon outfit-”

“It was not!” Sweetie Belle shrieked, her pale cheeks flushing red. “And you went along with it!”

“That was not supposed to be… attractive, that was a terrible consequence of me messing with magic I didn’t understand!” Sunset Shimmer placed her head in her hands. She had the sinking feeling that she was going to have a somewhat awkward conversation with Sweetie Belle soon. Still, determined to salvage something of value from this, she inhaled through her nose, exhaled through her mouth, and smiled. “Well, it ended ok,” she said. “The art is good. The writing is… decent. And in the end, we ended up the friends we always were, so that’s good.”

“So friendship always wins out in the end,” Twilight said, also determined to spin this positively. “That’s a good moral.”

“Nah,” Spike interjected, having leaped up on the table. “Friendship is good and all, but I think you're missing the real moral of the story.”

“Oh?” Rarity asked. “What's that?”

Spike patted his stomach. “Bring treats for the team pet, or he'll steal them when you're not looking.”

“That's not a…” Rarity’s voice trailed off as she reached for another cookie, but her fingers hit nothing but air. She frowned.

Spike grinned widely. Cookie crumbs were crusting the sides of his mouth. “See? You should have been paying attention.”

Twilight's eyes widened. “Spike, where are the cookies?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Spike lied.

Twilight dug her fingers in her hair. “You can't eat chocolate, Spike!” she said, horrified. “We've had this discussion! Multiple times!”

“Don't tell me how to live my life!” Spike howled. “I am a wild dog!”

“That's way too much theobromine for your system! It's a trip to the vet for you!” Twilight reached for him, but Spike jumped off the table and scampered out of the way.

“Gotta jet!” he called over his shoulder.

“Spiiike!” Twilight wailed as she chased him down.