Stand-Up Spike

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Spike, Comedy, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3318

After returning from a long trip away, Twilight and co are somewhat surprised to discover Spike's hitherto unknown interest in stand-up comedy. But as he 'roasts' each one of them in turn, is everything as it appears to be?

After returning from a long trip away, Twilight and co are somewhat surprised to discover Spike's hitherto unknown interest in stand-up comedy. But as he 'roasts' each one of them in turn, is everything as it appears to be?

Hmm... I wonder.

Published 2018-04-18 02:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-18 02:30:07 UTC

"Stop me if you've heard this one before..."

Six equine friends head towards the Friendship Castle, having just disembarked from a train direct from the Crystal Empire. They were in a buoyant, jolly mood as they chatted amongst themselves, and seeing as how this author has no respect for privacy, let's listen in.

"My, Flurry Heart certainly has grown up fast!" Princess Twilight Sparkle, the head honcho among them exclaimed, referring of course to her occasionally adorable, often destructive little niece. "She can even hold her own sippy cup up to her mouth now! All without the aid of magic!"

"Yes dear, but guess how many tries it took her, before she stopped 'accidentally' emptying the contents over yours truly!" Rarity the friendly fashionista sobbed, as she wondered how long it would take to remove the purple stains from her porcelain white fur. She wasn't keen on having her coat match her mane. "Just look at the state of me! Ponies will think I stomp on grapes for a living, not run three of the most successful clothing stores in Equestria!"

"Hey, ain't nuffin' wrong when it comes to working with fruit!" Applejack the farmer took umbrage to her friend's slightly snobbish comments regarding her occupation, and stopped briefly to reprimand the unicorn. "Just cos' ponies don't spend a fortune on apples, it don't make 'em less valuable than fancy attire they'll most likely only wear once!"

"Relax, Applejack! Rarity is used to the 'finer' things in life and will never learn to appreciate the wonders of apples the way we can." The speed demon Rainbow Dash quickly took her stetson-sporting friend's side, although as would quickly be discovered, it was for somewhat more selfish reasons than true blue loyalty. "Now... how's about a extra helping of cider this season for your old pal Dashie this coming season?"

"I wish we had queues at Sugarcube Corner that size once every year. It isn't fair! Booo!!" The laughter-loving Pinkie Pie sulked, referencing the often ridiculous wait to get a single taste of that wondrous Zap Apple concoction. "Hey, if I bung a bunch of cupcakes into a giant machine and sing a jolly song to the townsfolk as it liquifies them into a delicious drink, do you think that'll work? Well, do ya? Huh? Huh?!"

Everypony present was about to hoofpalm in unison at Pinkie's rather outlandish plan, when the most quiet one among them, the animal caretaker Fluttershy, decided it was her turn to talk, albeit briefly and softer compared to her chattier companions. "Uuummm... we're here, girls."

The other five mares stopped speaking long enough to realise that yes, the yellow pegasus was absolutely right, they'd reached the sanctity of the Friendship Castle without even noticing it.

Feeling slightly embarrassed at being so distracted by a trivial conversation that she'd almost missed the gargantuan structure, Twilight nevertheless took the lead in entering through the big double doors, closely followed behind by the rest of her four-legged entourage.

"It's a bit dark in here, isn't it?" The princess opined, blinking in the darkened hallway.

"It is quite, darling. Can we put the lights on quickly, please?" A somewhat disgruntled Rarity said.

"What's the matter, afraid nasty old Angel might be on the loose again?" Rainbow Dash teased, referencing a time when the rascally rabbit was mistaken for a ghost.

"Oh, don't worry about him. The dear is safely tucked up in bed with his carrot juice." Fluttershy reassured everypony present as to the whereabouts of her devoted pet.

"That's what you tell us every time he runs off to make mischief." Applejack snorted irritably, thinking about her poor collapsed henhouse. "Why, I even dare say, when it come to causing chaos, Discord has nothing on that little pes..."

"Hold on everypony, what's that over there?" Pinkie half-screamed, half-yelped as she pointed at something circular flashing near the rafters. "If my time with Cheese Sandwich has taught me anything, that can only be a..."

The pink pony was about to say 'spotlight', before the large lumination in question was spun around and shone directly into their eyes, causing many a remark along the lines of "Huh?!", "I've gone blind!" and "I'm too young and gorgeous to die!"

No prizes for guessing who uttered that last pearl of wisdom.

In any case, their moment of bedazzlement was not destined to last long, as the intense glare was soon metered down a tad or several hundred, and an apologetic voice they knew only too well sounded out from somewhere in the castle.

"Oops, sorry everypony. This is my big debut, so we might have a few gremlins with some of the new equipment. Not to worry though: we appear to have sorted out the temporary technical hitches, and are now ready for you to take your assigned seats."

"Spike?!" Twilight looked in astonishment at her equally nonplussed friends, before attempting to pinpoint her dragon friend's location, to no avail. "What’s all this? What is going on here?!"

"E-Er, hi Twi, and everypony else. All will be revealed soon enough, I don't want to ruin the surprise. Just follow the beam to your usual chairs, or thrones if you prefer, and the show can begin." Spike sounded slightly nervous as the stern tone of his mentor echoed around the castle, but nevertheless seemed committed to carry on with his plan.

Giving the rest of her party a perplexed shrug which basically translated as 'we better see what this is all about', the six friends followed the spotlight as it predictably guided them towards the enormity of the main room of the castle, where many a productive quest for friendship was hatched by means of a magic map located on the central table.

It was on this piece of valuable furniture Spike now stood, not naked as per his usual sartorial statement, but in a spiffy tux complete with fragrant bloom sticking out of the lapel. His attention was currently focused on a normal-size microphone, which by his smaller standards, was still far too high for him to speak into.

"Assistant? Assistant?! Little help here, if you'd be so kind?" Spike's desperate pleads for help were soon answered by none other than Twilight's favourite student, Starlight Glimmer. For some unknown reason, she wore a velvety mask over her face, leaving everything concealed except her eyes. Silently, she adjusted the length of the mike until the diminutive drake could reach the mouthpiece, before taking a slight curtsy and jumping offstage.

That is to say, off the top of the table.

"Testing, testing, one, two, three... fiddle-dee-dee... more gems for me..." Spike attempted to judge the efficiency of his equipment, alternately tapping and talking into the head of the microphone. "Okay, I think we're good to go! First off, a very special round of applause for my lovely partner this evening: the beautiful, intelligent, powerful, will-never-try-to-destroy-the-world-again-honest-to-Celestia pony, Starlight Glimmer! Come on everypony, show your appreciation please!"

Silence. Crickets chirped. A pin dropped. Someone cleared their throat. A morgue would've been noisier.

If Trixie had been there, she might have been pleased by her best friend apparently getting into showbiz too, but alas her seemingly endless tour of repentance continued. Of course, she was skipping some of the more undesirable locations, like freezing cold Yakyakistan. Just because she often spoke in the third pony, doesn't mean she was insane.

Regardless, despite the less-than-enthusiastic initial reaction to the impromptu show, it carried on anyway. "E-Er, thank you Starlight. If nopony else will show you any love, then don't worry... I always will. Strictly platonic, of course. Anyway, you fine mares might be wondering what on Equestria is going on here, when you've just returned exhausted from your long trip to the Crystal Empire to discover this cute guy nattering away, dressed in his finest Galloping Gala gladrags, treading all over your magical table..."

"A table you promised to wax and polish while we were away, amongst various other chores I see are as yet undone." Twilight berated her usually reliable helper, as she seated herself on her usual throne alongside her other friends. "And as for you Starlight, weren't you supposed to be finalising the curriculum for the new school year? Classes start in less than a week..."

"Sorry, Twilight. As a given rule, my pretty assistant is not allowed to speak, ever... for I'm going to be doing enough talking for the both of us, hee hee..." Spike was apparently okay with shirking his usual responsibilities, and his performance went on unabated. "Now, what a wonderful, wonderful audience. You crazy ponies. Who shall I 'roast' first? Not literally of course, though I could do that too if you wanted me to 'heat' things up a bit. Ha ha ha."

After everypony in attendance groaned at the painful pun, Pinkie was the only one to demonstrate any sort of excitement for Spike's strange new career choice, and she stuck one rapidly waving hoof in the air. "Ooo, ooo! Do me! Me!! This is stand up comedy, right? Because thanks to my hilarious sister, I know all about this! Do you know any good rock jokes I could stea... I mean, laugh at?"

"Can't say that's my area of expertise, Ms Pie. My act is more based around personal experiences and poking fun at the foibles of life. But I can tell you this for free: my gags might not be about rocks, but they do rock! For instance, did you hear the one about the two mares who went into a cafe? One of them ordered some upside down cake, the other wanted a cherry muffin. What do you think happened next? Take your time, I'm here all night! Because you know, this is my home and all."

"Wow, this is gonna be good!!" A widely grinning Pinkie nudged the pony nearest to her, an oddly unmoved Rarity. "Let me guess... they loved their delicious desserts so much they ran back into the cafe and asked for seconds? Then thirds? Fourths? Fifths?! Until they'd eaten everything in the place, said goodbye to each other and went home very happy with full tum-tums?"

"Um, close but no cigar. Not that I encourage smoking, kids. It rots your lungs, brains and causes any number of potentially fatal diseases, cancer notwithstanding." Spike randomly gave a sideward glance to no-one in particular, before resuming his ongoing dialogue. "One of them had to have all of their teeth pulled out, the other nearly choked to death on a cherry stone. The families later sued the cafe, the owner had to close it down, he was last seen rummaging in bins for food in the street, and there was absolutely no candy in there...!"

"Oh my gosh!! That was like, the funniest thing I've ever heard!! My ribs are tickled! My funny bone is bursting! My sides are split... wait." Pinkie's opening peal of laughter quickly faded as she thoroughly digested the alleged 'joke' in her head, before an inescapable conclusion caused her to almost fall off her seat in fright. "I-I didn't find that chucklesome at all! I-I just heard a gag I didn't like! I-In fact, n-now I feel really bad. A-Anypony got any tissues..." sob

"Oh well, if you didn't like that, you're sure to find my next one a cracker!" Like a true trooper, Spike quickly cast off his first failed attempt at humour, turning to Fluttershy with a cheeky little wink. "Flutters, this one's for you. A porcupine and hedgehog cross the road together, in the middle of rush hour. Which one made it to the other side first? The answer may surprise you..."

Actually, it was more like the answer nearly traumatised the poor pegasus, and soon she was helping herself freely from the same box of tissues as Pinkie, as Spike carried on his alleged comedy routine apparently unaware of the somewhat negative effect he was having on his audience.

Despite Starlight surreptitiously appearing at random intervals to hold up neon-lit signs upon which things were written like 'APPLAUSE' and 'LAUGHTER', there wasn't much of either going on, as each pony in turn was 'treated' to something almost tailor-made to make them mad, sad or burst into tears.

By the time Spike reached his skit about the giant flood washing away every line of text from all the books in Equestria, Twilight had heard more than enough. "Spike, what possibly could've possessed you into thinking we'd enjoy those terrible excuses for jokes? Did you honestly believe, before you got out of bed this morning, that we'd like hearing those unbearably depressing stories? What has gotten into you today?!"

"For starters Twi, I wasn't 'in bed' this morning, I was too busy working on material for my new stand-up act. Thanks for the vote of confidence, anyway." Spike humphed a little at the princess's blatant rejection of his 'talent', before revealing something else. "I was going to drop a new comedic persona I created just for my tour, just out of respect for our history together. But with the way I feel right now, I might just have to use him after all..."

"Wait, what?" Twilight's eyes went as big as saucers as she zipped over to Spike, hoofmarks on the table be damned. "What 'new character' are you talking about? And more importantly, what did you mean when you mentioned a 'tour'?"

"Well, in answer to the first part of your question..." Spike puffed out his chest with pride as he described the fictional character he'd come up with all on his lonesome. "...I play an overworked manservant called 'Pikes", who's trapped under the hooves of six dastardly overlords in the realm. All he wants is a few kind words here and there, a couple of extra bits to spend on the jewels he loves and some extra vacation time to... uh, vacate. It's brilliant! And not based on personal experience at all!"

"I...see." Twilight raised an intrigued eyebrow, as the gears and cogs began to slide into place.

"As for the tour, oh Celestia... Am I looking forward to it!" Spike had seemingly missed Twilight's suspicious expression, and now went into great detail on his upcoming junket. "Fifty dates, all throughout Equestria. It'll be such a blast, meeting all the different creatures in the world and adapting my set to accommodate them! So much comic potential there... greedy, grumpy griffons... childlike, churlish changelings... dreadful, draconian dragons..."

"Wait, you'd willingly insult your own kind, just to get some cheap snickers?" Twilight wasn't sure if her current aide, future comedy star, had really thought through this hasty life choice. "Besides, I'm not sure about any of this, Spike. If your routine is anything like you exhibited to us today, you could insult or upset a lot of citizens. We need you here, too! With all the extra workload caused by the establishment of a new school, another pair of claws would be very..."

"I'm sure you'll find an able replacement for me while I'm away, who'd be willing to work under the same 'generous' conditions I do at the moment." Spike waved away his mentor's concerns without hesitation. "And I'm certain that the numerous other species Equestria has to offer can appreciate an bit of self-depreciative wit, unlike you ponies! After all, it's not like I'm going to cause a international incident, is it?"

"I-International i-incident?! I-I never thought about..." Twilight's already anxious features suddenly took on a great deal more consternation, before she scowled at an innocently whistling Spike. "Wait here, you."

Without further ado, the alicorn flew over to where her friends were still recovering from their earlier ordeal, and together they created an impenetrable equine huddle. They alternated between talking urgently amongst themselves, and casting baleful looks at a blithely relaxed spike, who took the time to make sure his nails were nice and sharp.

Eventually, an obviously seething Twilight flew by his side one more. "Okay, Spike. You win. Whilst I deplore your morally dubious attempts at negotiation, we'll meet all your demands, and even throw in free aerial rides on our travels whenever your feet get sore, until your wings grow in, that is. The only thing we ask in return is that you never do stand-up comedy ever again, and apologise to everypony for upsetting them earlier with your 'colourful' jokes. Are these terms acceptable to you?"

"How can you possibly ask a guy to give up on all his lifelong dream, just like that? All he's ever aspired to be, all he's ever wanted in his life, all he's... I'll do it." Spike made a great show of sighing deeply at making such a 'tough' decision, before reaching into his tux pocket and pulling out a piece of parchment. "Here is an contract for my future services, fully authenticated by the state, that officially brings into law everything you just said. Apart from that stuff about the rides, but I'll take your word for that. After all, what are friendships are for, if we can't trust each other?"

"You had that prepared all along! Why, you sneaky little..." Twilight growled in annoyance at the smirking dragon, but after her firm offer a few moments ago, there was nothing she could do but simmer quietly.

"Just a slight precaution, in case I somehow inexplicably changed my mind..." Spike gave Twilight a little wink, before attempting to mend a few bridges. "And of course, I'm truly sorry if I caused any offence. The last thing a professional comedian wants to do is alienate his audience. In fact, as an added bonus, I'll treat you all to dinner tomorrow! After all, I'm going to be so much more flush with cash from now on. Well, speak to you girls later: I have to slip out of this outfit and into something more comfortable. Like, a new skin. Get it? Reptile joke?"

If the previous silence was deadly, this one was positively lethal.

"Oh well, you can't blame a guy for trying..." Spike shook his head in defeat, before hopping off the table and making his way upstairs. "I now officially announce my retirement from the stand-up circuit. It's been fun, dear friends, but all good things must come to an end. Assistant, come!"

And as Spike and Starlight Glimmer left the sextet of dumbfounded ponies behind, the latter couldn't help but make a brief remark about the situation as she removed her constraining mask to finally breathe once more.

"I know you said this was necessary Spike, but did you have to be quite so harsh?"

"Star, I've been trying to get a proper deal for the amount of toil I put in around here for years, long before I met you. I tried asking them politely time and time again, only to be rebuffed on every occasion because apparently 'friendship is it's own reward'. Well, guess what? That turns out to be a load of baloney, and I'm always broke! So this was kind of a last resort, and it wouldn't have worked if I'd been all nicey-nice. Thanks for your help, by the way."

"No problem Spike, after all you've done for me, it was my pleasure to do you this personal favour. The only thing I'm worried about now is Twilight's reaction. I think, for the rest of the week at least, I can look forward to being given the 'cold shoulder'."

"Oh, that's really sad if she doesn't talk to you much for the next few days, Star! No 'enlightening' lectures about Equestrian history, no 'fascinating' lists to study in obsessive deal, no 'exhilarating' refresher friendship courses to attend..."

"...On second thoughts, I think I can live with it."

Author's Note

Here's a story idea I've had for quite a while, that I've finally finished. :pinkiehappy:

Well, thanks for reading. See you all again soon. :raritywink: