WN: Lines in Italics are direct from the original RP. Additional stuff and satirical comments are not in italics. If you want to ignore my random stupid satire, just read the italics.
It was a fairly average summer day in Equestria. Not much was unusual. Chrysalis was busy trying to take over a country no-one particularly cared about, Lyra and Bon-Bon were drinking tea, Twilight was studying, and the two princesses were having a hoof wrestle. Oh, and Cocoon was trying to get Pupa.
Cocoon tackled Pupa to the ground. "It's rapin' time!" he laughed.
Now, Cocoon was not actually planning on assaulting Pupa in such a way - he often did playful attacks on Pupa. Pupa squirmed and bucked him off, but Cocoon flew back to her and landed on her again.
Suddenly, a bolt of light struck the duo, and they were now sitting in the trunk of a Fiat Panda. Yes, a Fiat Panda. A fucking Fiat Panda. Do you have a Fiat Panda? NO! Exactly! That means you're not as awesome as the owner of this Fiat Panda!
The Panda was red. Of course, they could not see this, being in the dimly lit trunk, but it was red all right. Cocoon squirmed. "Whaaaaa-?"
''I don't know what just happened, and I don't want to know, but I do want to know where the hell we are.'' Pupa said.
"Well... Uh... I was just pretending to rape you... And now we appear to be... Somewhere..." he trailed off.
Cocoon was clearly scared. It wasn't often he got scared, but considering now he was in a dark room with no way to see, he was terrified.
Footsteps approached that did not sound like a pony, and Cocoon's heart raced. Pupa looked less scared, more confused.
A man opened the trunk. "Whaht Dafuq is THEYES?" he said in a thick southern accent. "MAHTILDA, CUM HERE, THERE'S SOME HORSES WE CAN EAT!"
Can I rethink what I said about you being more awesome than the owner of this Fiat Panda? In fact, just take the keys, You deserve the Fiat more than he does.
Cocoon whimpered and leaped out of the trunk. Right now, he just wanted to go home.
''Don't you touch us, whatever you might be.'' Pupa said, glaring at the man. "And what ARE you, anyway?"
"TAHLKING HORSES! THEY'RE BLAHK TOO! WE CUD SELL THESE FOR A FORTUNE!" the human danced.
Yeah, just take the Panda's keys. They're on his Utility belt.
"PUPA! RUN!" Cocoon hissed, keeping out of the sight of the Human.
''Hey, dumbfuck, we can also fly.'' Pupa said, taking off.
"Oh yeah..." Cocoon facehoofed. "Good idea." Cocoon took off and followed Pupa.
"MATILDA! THE HORSES DONE FLEW!"
"Harold, you're a fucking retard." Matilda sighed, getting on with her knitting.
Matilda was clearly smart, wasn't she? I mean, Harold was a fucking idiot. God knows how he earned the money to buy that Fiat Panda.
'"What the hell was that?'' Pupa muttered. She was confused, not scared. Pupa didn't get scared.
"I... Don't know..." Cocoon whimpered. He was confused and scared. Cocoon always got scared.
''Never seen creatures like those before.'' Pupa grumbled. No, me neither. And I'm a human. I've never seen a creature as disgusting as that owning a Fiat Panda.
"Me.. Neither..." Cocoon whimpered again. He was very scared. "Shall we try and find our way back to Chrysalis?"
''Well, let's figure out where we are first.'' Pupa said. She was always the practical Changeling of the group.
Cocoon was a magical expert, and so he used his telepathy spell to read from the internet signals. Don't try to understand that. It's so complicated your head will explode. In fact, I'm only writing this so I have an excuse to make Cocoon OP and know a lot about Earth. Anyway, magic.
Cocoon's horn glows and he closes his eyes. "We're somewhere called Arizona... Where the fuck is that?"
No idea. Never heard of it.'' Pupa said.
Of course she had not. If she had, that'd make this not much of a story, as she could say "Oh, Equestria's the next right". But Equestria was not the next right, it was very far away.
"We're fucked." Cocoon noted. Wow, it seems even Cocoon is smarter than the Fiat Panda guy.
''Maybe we are.'' Pupa said. ''Let's just get a better look at this place."
"Agreed... Hey, apparently there's no place called Equestria on this planet. I can't track it." Cocoon gulped.
Seriously now, I need a better excuse for him knowing this. Maybe he has a Chromebook in his head and he's using it to access Google Maps. Actually, that wouldn't make sense. There's a small place called Equestria in South Africa. Maybe Cocoon realized it was too small to contain all of Equestria's population. Or maybe I need to get out more, because I actually just searched "Equestria", a fictional pony place, in Google Maps.
''Okay. We're positively fucked.'' Pupa said. I didn't realize there was a way that being fucked could be positive. Unless you mean a different type of the word "fucked".
"That creature was called a... Redneck." Cocoon said, eyes still closed and horn still glowing. Rednecks are funny. I always include them in stories.
''A what now?'' Pupa asked.
"One of the species on this planet... One of the forms of Humans..." Cocoon smiled.
''Wait, humans? I thought those were just a legend.'' Pupa said.
Yes, in Equestria, humans are just a legend, like Dragons, or a non-corrupt Capitalist.
"In case you hadn't noticed, we're not in Equestria." he said flatly. Wow Cocoon, congrats! Have a medal! Actually, have this Fiat Panda. Harold's not using it.
''Uh, that's true.'' Pupa said.
"So... Maybe we should head to... Washington DC. That's where the leader of this planet is. His name is... Barack." lolfirstname
"Sounds like a good idea." Pupa said. Funny how Pupa never has her own good ideas, but always likes good ones.
"Shall we be OP and Teleport?" Cocoon asked. Finally, Cocoon realizes how overpowered of a character he is! I need to underpower my OC.
Your call." Pupa said. Becuase as usual, Pupa couldn't be fucked to think for herself.
Cocoon places a hoof on Pupa and teleports just outside the White House. "W-Wow." Cocoon loved the White House, because Cocoon was a racist, and therefore thought white was best. Well, I think this is a good place to stop this chapter.
NEXT TIME!
Brick to the head!
Obama Lolwut!
AND
Atheism!
Chapter Two: The Second Part
WN: Due to (un)popular demand, here's Chapter 2! Let's see if we can make this the most disliked fic on FiMFiction! I do have a fave, though. Lines in Italics are direct from the original RP. Additional stuff and satirical comments are not in italics. If you want to ignore my random stupid satire, just read the italics.
"What is this place?'' Pupa said. Well, clearly she could not read, as there were signs saying "Welcome to the White House!" Also, the house was White. So that's a fucking hint for you.
"Shall we disguise...?" Cocoon suggested. Good plan, disguise as a human, then blow up the Whit- Oh, you meant so you can talk to the President? Right. *hides bomb*
''Great plan. As what? Humans?'' Pupa asked. No, as ducks, you brain damaged twat.
Cocoon shapeshifts into Barack Obama and, not having wings anymore, falls to the ground. "OUCH! SHIT!" Fun Fact - Humans can't fly!
A senator walks up. "M-Mr President?" The Senator was called Jim, because I'm too lazy to think of a decent name. Say Hi to Jim, guys!
"Whoops. Disguise, disguise...'' Pupa muttered, trying to come up with a decent disguise before the senator noticed her. ''A-ha! I got it!'' She said, shapeshifting into... The Pope. This is funny, because both of the people who contributed to this story are Atheist. Ha. That's funny.
The Senator Blinked. "Y-Your holiness? Your presidentness? W-What are you...?" They're existing, you idiot. That's what they're doing. Now go fuck off and... bomb a country, or something.
Cocoon silently levitated a brick and hit the senator from behind. Yay, Cocoon finally learned Violence IS the answer! Wait, is it? Or is it not? I can never remember which one it is...
''Okay. That works too.'' Pupa said. Congratulations Pupa, you understand the concept of knocking someone out with a brick!
Cocoon closed his (well, Obama's) eyes and focused. "It seems we are near the 'White House', where the Princess of this world lives." Princess? Are you fucking kidding me? Also, I really need to think of a better excuse as to why my OC can learn random facts like this. Maybe it's a Chromebook in his brain. Wait, I already suggested that, didn't I? Fuck it.
''The Princess of this world, huh...'' Pupa said before she heard the noise of a jet making a fly-by over the White House. ''WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!'' Pupa yelled. It's a jet.
A businessman blinked at Pupa before hurrying along "The Pope seems pissed..." Haha, this guy needs a name. I'll ask Twitter. Okay, I'm back, and Twitter suggested I call him "Asshole McCapitalist". Okay.
Cocoon whimpers. "A big bird." Jets aren't birds.
''WHY DO THESE BIRDS MAKE THAT AWFUL NOISE?!'' Pupa yelled. 1. It's not a bird; 2. It's called an engine.
"Beats me... My magic can only tell me so much..." Cocoon gulped. Wait, did I seriously just put that? Fuck, now I've ruined the Chromebook idea, and now I can't have an excuse for his OP power. Any suggestions, readers?
''... Who am I disguised as, anyway?'' Pupa muttered. The Pope.
"...someone called Pope, and he apparently believes in a supernatural being called God and persuade others to do so as well." he said. Sounds about right. Sounds like 99% of Socialists, too.
''God?'' Pupa said, blinking. ''I've heard that term before. Don't humans believe in some big invisible dude who created the universe named God? That Lyra Heartstrings or what's she called told me about her. When I was disguised as Bon-Bon.'' Her? God is female in Equestria? makesperfectsense.png
"Yes. And apparently they all go on Sundays to worship him." Cocoon smirked. Of course they do. It's God. If thou doest not bow down to him, thou shalt be sinner.
''Sounds like humans are idiots. Even more so than the average Changeling.'' Pupa said. ''Anyway, what now?'' Humans ARE idiots. Unless they're a capitalist.
"We speak to Obama." Cocoon transformed back into his Changeling form and teleported into the White House's main office. I cannot wait to see what Obama's reaction is to this. Wait, I've already seen it in the RP, haven't I? Hmph.
