Two mares walk into a bar
The Salted Barley was a small bar near the edge of Ponyville. It was not as popular as Berry Punch's, and that was fine with the owner and patrons. It was a quieter place, where the ponies could simply drink alone, or have a small conversation with each other in peace.
This was one of the reasons that Maud Pie and Starlight Glimmer was there. Starlight admittedly was not entirely clear on it. For some reason, Maud had invited her out for a "girls' night." Supposedly it was something that mares did with each other as friends. It was also Maud's idea that they come here. The idea of it being small, somewhat unknown, and pretty quiet was no surprise. What was surprising was that they were going to a bar at all.
Maud never seemed like a pony that would drink.
The two made their way to the back, sitting in and empty booth. As soon as the two were seated, a waitress came up to ask them about their orders.
"Whiskey," stated Maud. "On the rocks."
"I would like a pina colada, please," said Starlight.
The waitress wrote both down with a nod before asking, "Anything to eat? Or do you need more time on that?"
"I would like to wait," Maud answered.
"I haven't even looked yet," Starlight replied.
"No rush," the waitress stated. "I'll be back with your drinks momentarily." Giving them one more smile, she turned and headed toward the bar.
After watching her go, Starlight turned to Maud.
"So, why are we here?" she asked. "Not that I mind, but you've never really seemed much interested in drinking. And while this" -- she motioned around with her hoof -- "is a nice place, it doesn't exactly strike me as a place you would normally spend time at."
Several seconds passed as Maud sat there in silence. As unmoving as a statue. With the dim lighting of the bar, and the various gray tones of her coat, mane, and dress, she pretty much looked like one. Especially since the lighting hid the blue and white of her half-open eyes.
"I have tried alcohol a few times," Maud finally stated. "While I do not enjoy it very much, it does not bother me much either." She shifted, looking down at the table. "Pinkie suggested it as an activity, and Twilight confirmed that it is something mares do to bond at times." She then looked up at Starlight. "I would prefer to wait for our drinks before elaborating further."
"Alright."
Taking the time, Starlight Glimmer looked around, taking in the rest of the bar. The Salted Barley was a small place, done mostly in polished dark woods. The extent of the entertainment options were: a jukebox; a dartboard, but there were no darts around it; and a single arcade game, which was currently unplugged. On one wall was a series of signs advertising various brands of beer, wine, and in one case, mead.
Maybe I could try that later. Never had mead before.
When the drinks arrived, the pair of them ended up ordering snacks after all. Starlight ordered the green bean fries, while Maud ordered Manehattan fritters. Starlight then took a sip of her pina colada, enjoying the coldness of the ice, the sweetness of the juices, and the burning bitterness of the rum. She let the mix play across her tongue a moment before swallowing.
As Maud took a large swig of her own drink, Starlight noticed something.
"Are those...rocks?"
"Whiskey stones," Maud answered. "Pieces of soapstone which in this case have been carved into cubes. They are used to keep the drink cold without diluting with water as ice would."
She took another swig.
"Did you know that when you ordered it?" Starlight asked, eyes narrowing as she studied Maud.
Maud gave no answer, simply setting the glass down and looking at Starlight passively. It was easy to guess that Maud was not answering Starlight to mess with her, thinking it was funny, but it was impossible to guess whether it was because she had known about the stones or not ahead of time. Instead, she downed the rest of her whiskey and set the glass aside.
Horn lighting up with the turquoise aura of her magic, Starlight plucked the pineapple ring from the side of her glass and took a bite.
"Mudbriar and I broke up," said Maud.
Starlight froze at the declaration, the ring half in her mouth as she paused mid-bite. That had not been something she had been expecting to hear. Both in the sense that she did not expect them to break up, and in the sense that she did not expect for Maud to share something so personal.
"What happened?" Starlight asked. "You two seemed to really like each other. You got along well together, and had a lot in common."
"That was actually a part of the problem," Maud answered. "Neither of us were very social ponies, preferring to spend time alone or just the two of us. While it was nice, it did lead to us becoming more and more reclusive, which was a step backwards in my attempts at socializing and developing friendships."
Starlight resumed eating the pineapple ring as she thought about that. When they had met in Ponyville, it had been mentioned that Maud was looking for a friend. She had not really thought about much since then though. For the most part, Maud's friends were Starlight, Maud's sister, Pinkie, and Sunburst in more of a "sort of" way since they had not hung out since that one visit. Not exactly a big social circle, or a ponies she could hang out with on a regular basis.
"Plus the sex was not very good."
Starlight gasped at the sudden statement, sucking the piece of pineapple into her throat. After much coughing and more panic than she cared to admit, she was able dislodge it, spitting it onto the table.
How was she supposed to respond to that?
"I was under the impression this was something mare friends talked about," Maud said.
"Some do, yeah," Starlight answered. "Just wasn't expecting it from you though." She held up a hoof. "Before you tell me any more though."
Picking up her glass, she took a massive drink, downing as much as she could without getting brain freeze. Setting the glass down, she took a deep breath.
"So, is this something you actually want to talk about?"
"Yes," answered Maud. "Although, if you would prefer not to, I would understand."
"No. It's fine." Starlight shifted. "I mean, if you want to talk about this, I'm willing to listen. Although..." She turned to look toward the bar. "If we are going to talk about this, we should get another round."
Once the food and second round of drinks arrived, Starlight nibbled on one of her fries as she tried to think of how to talk about this with Maud.
Unfortunately, one question was stuck in her head, and she would not be able to get it out until she asked it.
"So... speaking euphemistically... was part of the problem that his... 'stick' was more of a... 'twig?'"
Maud looked at her, giving a long, slow blink as she chewed on one of her fritters.
Did...did her cheeks get pinker? Starlight wondered. Is Maud actually blushing?
"No," Maud answered. "In fact... I would say it was a... quite the branch..."
With that, Starlight felt a sense of regret, and also curiosity. On one hoof, she did not want to think about Mudbriar's penis, on the other, she was now kind of curious as to how big it was. Also, was it flexible like a willow or hard and unmoving like an oak?
She tried to push that line of thinking out.
"So, what was the problem?"
"Two, actually." Maud took a bite of her fritter and sip of her drink. "They do not really allow themselves well to wood metaphors, however."
"Sixty-second stallion?" Starlight blurted out before she realized it. A blush formed on her own face as she slapped a hoof over her mouth.
Maud's lips pressed thinner as she looked down.
"More like 'six-second stallion,'" she grumbled, "and even that might be generous." Closing her eyes, she rubbed at her temple. "Additionally, he has a long refractory period, so often there is only one chance per night."
That did sound a little disappointing. Although simple penetrative sex was not all that sex was about.
"Well, does he at least..." Starlight hesitated. How could she put this tactfully? Although, why did she need to? Maud was not exactly one to mince words, and no pony else was going to hear them.
Ah, just say it!
"Does he at least perform oral sex for you when that happens?"
"That's the other problem," Maud replied.
She took another big swig of her drink.
"It probably comes as no surprise that both Mudbriar and myself have never experienced sex with another pony before."
Starlight took a sip of her own drink, choosing not to say anything. It really was no surprise though. Both seemed more interested in their hobbies than other ponies.
Images of Maud using a rock dildo and Mudbriar shoving a stick up his butt briefly flashed through her mind.
"You have likely also noticed that he and I aren't exactly the most expressive ponies," Maud continued, "and are not very good at reading what others are feeling most of the time. So you have two ponies with no sexual experience, who struggle to express themselves and are unable to read others' emotions, trying to figure out how to pleasure each other."
Her eyes narrowed.
"I believe you can figure out the issue."
"It couldn't have been that bad."
"I once literally drew him a map, and it still did not help."
Starlight paused to stare at Maud, trying to figure out if she was joking, exaggerating, or was actually telling it straight (she could imagine Maud doing so as a joke). Again, it was hard to tell with Maud's mostly blank expression.
Meh. Fuck it. Doesn't matter.
Horn lighting up, she lifted up her drink, holding it out toward Maud.
"Well, here's to hoping we find the relationships we deserve," Starlight Glimmer declared.
Lips pressing into a small smile, Maud lifted her glass and tapped it against Starlight's.
"Cheers."
It was well after midnight as the two mares made their way back home, although only one of them was walking at the moment.
"In our town, in our town, we work as a team!" Starlight sang drunkenly. "You can't have a nightmare if you never dream!"
Maud continued walking toward Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle, the Starlight sprawled out across her back. She dropped her "microphone," letting Maud's tail fall back into its normal position.
"It was such a catchy song," Starlight sighed, resting her cheek against Maud's croup. "It was so hard to come up with a song too. Especially after taking away the cutie marks of any musician ponies we had." She groaned. "You haven't heard bad until you've heard a tone-deaf singer with no sense of rhythm trying to come up with a proper rhyme scheme."
"A tragedy of the ages," Maud responded.
She continued on, the castle growing larger and larger as she approached.
"Hey!" Starlight yelled out, head jerking up to look at Maud. "Hey! Hey, Maud! Maud. Maud. Maudie. Maudie-maudie-maud-maud. Do... do you have a dildo made of rock?"
"Several," Maud answered. "Including one made of marble, and another of rose quartz crystal."
"Do you have one made of soapstone?" Starlight burst into a fit of giggles. "Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'whiskey dick.'"
"I'll keep that in mind."
With a gasp, Starlight sat up, wobbling a moment before flopping back down and grabbing onto Maud tightly to keep from falling off.
"I should hook you up with Trixie! She's like the total opposite of Mudbriar." Starlight's lips pursed as her brow furrowed, thinking for a moment. "Well... not a total opposite. Trixie's not very good about knowing what other ponies are feeling either." She suddenly burst into giggles. "But she's a stage magician, which I bet means she's really good with her hooves." She then started laughing hard. "Imagine if she just started pulling anal beads out of somepony without them knowing how it got there, like some sort of perverted magic hankie trick."
"That would be very impressive trick, indeed," Maud conceded. "However, I have met Trixie multiple times, including when we played pony-sized Dragon Pit and when she worked on my family's rock farm. Which reminds me, I need to tell Limestone that she's here."
"Ooooooh!" Starlight cried out, eyes wide as she turned to look at the other mare. "Does one of your sisters have a crush on Trixie?"
"Not that she would admit it."
With another giggle, Starlight burst into sing "Trixie and Limey, sitting in a tree!" Although, as she continued, it went further and further from the original lyrics. Unless there was a version that included bondage, spanking, and toys inserted into every possible orifice (the nose and ears parts was especially odd).
As they reached the castle, it did come back around to the part about babies.
Letting herself in, Maud carried Starlight through the dark and quiet castle. Even in the night, the crystalline walls gave off a faint, shimmering light. She kind of wished her cave could be like that.
The sound of snoring suddenly reached her ears. Turning her head, she found that Starlight had finally passed out, a bit of drool already forming at the corner of her mouth. Maud would have to be careful not to let the unconscious mare fall off. Upside was that it was unlikely that anything would wake her up.
Which led to a slight problem.
Maud had no idea where Starlight's bedroom was.
