As Celestia Is My Witness
Some days it never stopped. It could go on and on, filling every waking moment until the seconds groaned under the strain. Celestia grit her teeth. Her pen spun slowly around and around, pressing down hard in a slow grinding motion against the antique mahogany table. A thin line of smoke rose angrily from its tip, and her eyes were narrow slits glaring hellfire at the back of the room as if she could burn a hole right through the polished marble.
With a long, deep breath she refocused her gaze on the reports in front of her, making a new valiant effort to get everything sorted out before the midday meeting.
“… seventy million for the Royal Conservatory in the coming—”
(As Celestia is his witness, Jade Wing is going to tell her [Dream Catcher] how he feels next time they meet!)
Oh, sure he will. Just like he did yesterday? And last Friday?
“—year, a reduction of—”
(So help him Celestia, Sheriff Silverstar is going to clean up this town!)
Good luck, sheriff.
“—fifteen million from last year. One hundred and ten million for the royal academy of—”
(As Celestia is his witness, Soarin' is going to eat all these pies all by himself!)
Celestia's face met the table.
***
“Ugh, how did I end up here?” Vinyl Scratch rolled over and considered the taste of the evening's consumptions still left in her mouth. She thought she could identify at least twelve different liquors, and some things she wasn't quite certain what were. “Er, wait, where is here anyway?”
She pushed up her glasses and rubbed an eye. She was in a bed, kinda hard one, smelled of sweat and way too much cheap deodorant. Smelled of … stallion. Oh dear … she felt the nausea about to overwhelm her. She cracked open an eye and stared into a mountain of muscular neck.
“Oh sweet Celestia!”
The huge hulking hunk of a horse turned around, making the bed creak ominously under the continental drift of his body. “Mmm …” he let out a deep, resonant rumble and stretched a pair of tiny wings fit more for a hummingbird than a full-grown pegasus. One hay of a freak hummingbird. “…mm YEAH!”
Vinyl's eyes grew to the size of saucers and a gaping hole swallowed her alcohol-ravaged mind. Had they seriously …? No … just no!
Two blood-red eyes looked her over hungrily and a hoof insinuated itself along her flank with about as much grace as a vulture bearing down on a wounded mouse. “Last night as good for you as it was for me, baby?” the crime against nature drawled with lust as thick as molasses.
The horror! The HORROR!
She fell out of his bed, fought frantically with the blanket and half galloped half stumbled through the door. She didn't look back, and as she flew down the stairs and into the cool morning air she made a solemn vow. “As Celestia is my witness, I'll never, ever touch a drink again, oh, and I am SO off stallions!”
***
“I'VE GOT IT! IT'S PERFECT!”
Applebloom and Sweetie Belle looked up as Scootaloo came screaming down the road on her scooter, yelling at the top of her lungs. The filly came to a screeching halt in front of her friends, took off her helmet and shook her mane with a wide grin.
“What? A yellin' cutie mark?” Applebloom said, inspecting the orange pegasus' flank for any loud marks. It was as blank as it always had been.
“WAY BETTER!” Scootaloo yelled. “RAINBOW DASH IS GOING TO THE NATIONAL FLIERS OLYMPICS IN FILLYDELPHIA NEXT MONTH!” The young pegasus looked at them with ecstatic joy, jumping up and down with glee.
“That's, um, great …” Sweetie Belle said uncertainly. “But why are you yelling?”
“BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TOO!” Scootaloo punched the air. “TO CHEER HER INTO ORBIT!”
“A … cheering cutie mark?”
“LOSS OF CONTROL!”
“Wow, we get to go to Fillydelphia?”
“LOTS OF SCREAMING AND HOLLERING!”
“Rarity always said I was really good at that!”
“AND MOST IMPORTANTLY …?”
“Uh, what?”
“PASSION!”
“Yeah!”
“I DIDN'T HEAR YOU!”
“YEEAAH!” her two friends screamed.
They looked at each other for a second, knowing grins on their faces. Doors and windows shut as everypony within sight ran for their lives. The three fillies cleared their throats and took three long, deep breaths.
“WHO ARE WE?!”
“THE CUTIE MARK OLYMPIC CHEERERS!”
“AND WHO ARE WE CHEERING FOR?!”
“RAINBOW DASH!”
“RAINBOW DASH!”
“RAINBOW DASH!”
“AND WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!”
“WE'RE GONNA LEAVE 'EM ALL BREATHLESS!”
“WE'RE GONNA BLOW THE CITY AWAY!”
“SO HELP US CELESTIA, WE'RE GONNA CHEER HER INTO THE STRATASPHERE!”
“GO RAINBOW DASH!!!”
Windows trembled, animals howled, and somewhere an alarm was ringing. The three fillies looked around. “Did ya hear somethin' too?” Applebloom said after a while of listening.
“Yeah, like, um, a cry or something?”
“All I'm hearing is this ringing noise,” Sweetie Belle said and rubbed her ear.
***
On the other side of town, Rainbow Dash pinched a tear. “That was so ... beautiful!”
***
“LUUUNA!”
Princess Luna blinked her eyes open and looked at the big pendulum clock ticking away in the corner. It wasn't even midday yet. She turned around, snuggling up in the warm softness of her bed with her head tucked under her pillow. “Mmm …”
Her blankets and pillows were unceremoniously pulled away and Celestia's manic face pressed against hers. “Luna! Get up, you're in charge now! Chop chop, there's a ton of work for you to do today.”
Luna pulled away from the mad mare and lifted a tired eyebrow. “What are you speaking of, sister? And … what's with the dress?”
Celestia stood back up, much to Luna's relief. She was dressed in a tight-fitting red and golden latex suit and mask, with a flowing cape and vibrant glasses over her eyes. A stylized eye in a sunburst grazed the front of her dress. “We have been forgiving for far too long, my sister! It is time to teach them all the value of keeping your word! So help them Celestia, they will come to fear the Eye in the Sky!” the princess of the sun spoke solemnly and held a hoof to her chest.
Luna sat up. “You look ridiculous, sister,” she said and suddenly got a very bad feeling. “Is Discord at it again?” She looked around for any telltale chaos, but the room looked like it had the night before.
Celestia stood uncertainly for a second, then swung her cape around her. “We go!”
Luna winced at the sudden flash and cloud of smoke. When her room cleared she was alone again. Luna sat for a while in the darkness before sighing. “Why does she have to be my sister?”
***
A unicorn walked into a bar.
Vinyl Scratch sat down and slipped off her glasses. “One frozen margarita,” she said to the space behind the bar as she looked around at the other guests in the room. There were quite a few handsome ponies drinking and generally looking available.
“Can I tempt you with a bananarita instead, miss Scratch?”
Vinyl Scratch blinked and looked up at the masked mare behind the bar. She was dressed in red and golden latex and currently levitating a frosty glass of yellow liquor temptingly in front Vinyl. There was a glint in her eyes.
Vinyl sank a lump in her throat and smiled nervously. “Er …”
“You like bananaritas?”
Vinyl laughed a little uncertainly. “Um, sure,” she said, wondering if there were any hidden cameras. Better play it cool. Don't want to end up on the cover of tomorrow's paper looking like a foal.
“That's funny,” the mysterious mare said, pulling the glass away from her and leaning down to look her in the eyes. “Because I hear you don't drink anymore. Never, ever, I think you said.”
“W-what?” Vinyl Scratch was beginning to sweat a little. “I-I say that all the time,” she stammered, trying to keep up the charming smile. “It's just something you say, you know. I love a good drink.”
“Perhaps you should not take your oaths so lightly, then, miss Scratch.” She sat the drink down on the bar in front of Scratch. “I dare you to drink the bananarita. Go ahead.”
Vinyl chuckled nervously. “I-I think I'll just have a glass of water instead. With a lime wedge, please.”
The masked vigilante slipped a glass of water up next to the bananarita. Vinyl took it gingerly and stammered a hasty “Thanks.”
“Remember your word,” the mare said and swung her cape around her as she leaped over the bar, disappearing out the door. Vinyl breathed a sigh of relief and sipped her water.
“Oh, and miss Scratch?”
Vinyl jumped and winced as she turned around slowly.
“You better not let me catch you looking at stallions again,” the masked mare said from the doorway. She held up a hoof to her eyes and pointed it at Vinyl. “I'm watching you.”
So was everypony else in the bar, all laughing faces. Vinyl smiled nervously and shrank back to a dark corner with her glass of water and dying libido.
***
“Listen to this,” Rarity said and lowered her cup of tea. “Mysterious masked vigilante strikes again,” she began reading from the paper. “This year's pie eating contest at the Canterlot Catering reportedly ended with a rush to the hospital for Soarin' of the Wonderbolts when he was dared by a mysterious masked mare to eat all the banana pies on his own. The famous pie-loving stallion was released from care later in the day.”
“Hah, that'll be the first time I've heard of Soarin' having enough pie,” Rainbow Dash laughed. “Hey, Spike, will you pass me one of the scones?” The dragon picked up a scone and threw it at Rainbow Dash who snatched it out of the air with her mouth. “Thanks!”
Rarity took a small sip of her tea before continuing. “Reports of the Masked Witness, as she has been called, have been coming in for days from all over Equestria. Rumors about her ties to the royal family have been denied by Princess Luna, who has been speaking on her sister's behalf. Attempts to speak with Princess Celestia herself have been met with failure.”
They all turned to look at Twilight. The purple unicorn looked up from her scone and tea. “What? You don't think I know anything, do you?” she asked. “Besides, the whole thing is preposterous. Celestia running around in a latex suit and cape, forcing ponies to eat pies? You can't possibly take that seriously.”
“She can tell me to eat pie any day,” Pinkie said, cheerfully gorging on scones and jam. “Ooh, do you think she needs a sidekick?” The pink pony disappeared under the table and reappeared a moment later in a bright red latex jumpsuit with a half-eaten pie painted on the front. “I have cool sidekick costumes stashed all over Ponyville, in case of sidekick emergencies!”
“Darling, you have to admit the resemblance is uncanny,” Rarity said, ignoring Pinkie as she put down the paper and pointed a hoof at the picture showing the mysterious mare and Soarin' together at the pie eating contest. It was indeed hard to not see the likeness.
“You are not seriously suggesting that it is really Celestia, are you?” Twilight asked incredulously, ignoring the picture. It was hard to take the reasonable stance while looking at the evidence right in front of her. “It's just somepony with a bit of a resemblance. It's probably a fake horn or something.”
“Oh? Where is Celestia, then?” Rainbow Dash burst in, mouth full of scone. “You don't think it's odd that we haven't seen her or anything lately?”
“I am sure the princess is simply far too busy with important royal matters to spend her time on silly jokes like this,” Twilight said, getting slightly annoyed. She didn't take kindly to the suggestion that her mentor was running around acting like a crazy pony.
There was a sudden growing murmur around the small café. Twilight and her friends looked up to see the regal figure of Princess Luna entering the café, flanked by two royal guards. Twilight almost choked on her tea. “Princess Luna?” she said and stood up to bow.
Luna stopped in front of their table. “Twilight Sparkle, We must speak with thee.” She glanced around at the other six friends and added with extra emphasis, “In private.”
“O-of course, princess,” she stammered.
The six remaining friends looked at each other with knowing grins as Twilight and Luna left the café. Rarity coughed a little when they were gone. “I think I shall have to leave as well. It was a pleasure eating breakfast with you all,” she said and dabbed her mouth with a hoofkerchief before standing up.
“Rarity! Ya can't snoop on the princess,” Applejack protested.
“I beg your pardon, Applejack, a lady does not snoop! I was simply reminded that I … I have an order I need to finish for a very important client,” Rarity said and hurried out before they could say more.
“I'm going to follow her!” Rainbow Dash said and rushed forward.
She was quickly pulled back down by Applejack. “Y'all are going to stay right here and enjoy the rest of this fine and delicious breakfast with me, like good honest ponies.”
Rainbow Dash sat down and sulked. “Fine. I didn't want to know anyway.”
***
“It IS Celestia?” Twilight cried. She could hardly believe a word of what she was hearing.
“I am afraid so,” Luna said, watching her sister's student wander around the library in a half panic. “Ponies are getting more and more eager to swear in her name,” she explained. “It used to be a rare and serious thing to do, but these days any pony will gladly swear by her and then go right on to forget their word. I believe the stress of receiving this constant barrage of meaningless swears has finally driven her mad, and now she's out there terrorizing the population.”
“That's terrible!” Twilight kept pacing the library.
Luna frowned. “Yes. This simply can not continue. I need your help, Twilight Sparkle.”
“Me?” Twilight squeaked. “But how? She's my mentor, my princess!”
“Yes, Twilight Sparkle, and she needs your help. I need your help! I'm going to go crazy too if I have to deal with all the royal matters on my own for much longer!” And they both knew what happened last time Luna went crazy. The princess looked down in embarrassment and quickly moved on. “You have to find a way to stop her from getting all these mental prods every time somepony swears in her name.”
Twilight stopped in her pacing. “But … how? I'd have to run a whole lot of scientific experiments on her to find out how to do that. Mind scans, magic resonance analysis, perhaps even—” Twilight began rambling with growing excitement at the thought of all the experiments she could perform on the princess.
Luna looked up. “I shall be your test subject then, if only it will grant me peace. No pony ever swears in my name, but it should work the same. Try it.”
“Are you sure, princess? I wouldn't—”
“Try it, Twilight Sparkle!”
Twilight nodded. “Alright, um, so help me Luna, I will … I will find a way to help your sister!”
(So help her Luna, Twilight Sparkle is going to find a way to help her [Luna's] sister!)
Luna looked around at the ceiling, ears perked. “Yes, I can see how that would lose its charm fast. Good, strap me up and let's get these experiments started. The sooner I can go back to bed the better.”
Twilight brightened up and rubbed her hooves together in excitement. “Yay!”
“You are very bad at making me feel comfortable about this arrangement,” Luna said as Twilight led her down the stairs to the basement and began strapping her up in a big, blinking, bubbling machine. Despite her claimed discomfort, the princess went along calmly.
“Don't worry, princess. I am your sister's most faithful student, you can trust me completely,” Twilight said proudly as she lowered the giant, ugly helmet with blinking lights and electrodes over Luna's head.
“So you say,” Luna said as she watched Twilight switch on the machine and turn to look at the stream of paper coming out of it. Lights blinked, glass containers bubbled in colors of green and yellow, cables sparked and the little needle moved up and down as it drew spiky lines all over the paper.
“By Luna, I think I've got it!” the purple unicorn exclaimed.
(By Luna, Twilight Sparkle thinks she's got it!)
“Already?” Luna said with some relief.
“No, I was just testing it,” Twilight said and rubbed her chin as she examined the paper output. “Interesting …”
“Oh, alright.”
***
“There!” Twilight exclaimed as she welded the last wire in place on the strange contraption she had been building. It looked like something out of a bad science fiction movie about brain eating robot swarms. It had lots of little lights and wires and antennas everywhere, all arranged in the general likeness of a crown or tiara.
Luna had been watching the entire process with some skepticism. “It is done?”
“It is done,” Twilight said and picked it up. “If I am correct, wearing this should block out all the mental messages and transfer them to this—” she patted a separate construction on the table. It looked only marginally better, being mostly a big box with lots of glowing buttons, none of which seemed to serve much purpose, and an opening from which strips of paper could escape. “Just a few tests and we can get your sister some much needed peace of mind.”
“Hmm.” Luna considered the ugly piece of head gear. It wasn't going to win any awards at any fashion shows, except perhaps in the category of comedic hats. “Alright then, let's try it.”
Twilight lifted the thing over Luna's head, adjusting it slightly until it sat snuggly above her horn and around her ears. “How does it fit?”
“Not as bad as I had imagined,” the princess admitted. It did seem a little too big, but then Celestia was a little bigger than Luna. The princess wagered it would fit her sister to a tee.
“Excellent! Alright … As Luna is my witness, um, the sky is blue!”
“Unless it's night, or cloudy,” Luna added as the apparatus next to Twilight began to hum and whir, spitting out a small strip of paper.
“So?” Twilight looked expectantly at the princess.
“Your swears need work. They're not exactly the height of creativity,” the princess said.
Twilight gave her a glare.
“Right, nothing at all, it's all quiet,” Luna said. “What does the paper say?”
Twilight picked it up and showed it to Luna.
(As Luna is her witness, Twilight Sparkle says the sky is blue!)
They both smiled. “By me, I think it works,” Luna said with a grin.
The machine whirred again. Twilight held up the second piece of paper.
(By herself, Luna thinks it works!)
Twilight grinned. “Thought you could break it, did you?”
“Not at all, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna smirked. “Regardless, I say we try it together. As pioneering scientists it is important that we are thorough in our testing and methodology.”
“Right, right. On the count of three?”
Luna nodded.
“One, two … three! As Luna is my witness, this machine is as solid as a rock!”
“So help me … me, I'm going to make my sister pay for this later!”
The machine whirred and hummed and spat out two strips of paper, one after the other. Twilight held them up triumphantly, displaying the two messages.
“Well done, Twilight Sparkle!”
***
“Now we just need to find Celestia and make her wear it,” Twilight said as she ascended the stairs from the basement and stepped into the library, followed by Luna and the big blinking metal crown.
The princess nodded. “I imagine that should not be d—”
“STOP it right there!”
They both came to a sudden stop as Rarity appeared from behind a bookcase and stuck an accusing hoof in Twilight's face. “Twilight! You can't possibly intend to make the princess wear that … that … monstrosity!? What were you thinking, pony!”
Twilight's ears flattened and she shuffled her hooves in embarrassment. “It's just for when she—”
“No! I will not stand this,” Rarity said and pulled the ugly contraption out of Twilight's grip. “You simply can not make the princess wear such a crime against fashion! Shame on you, Twilight. And you Princess Luna?” She moved her hoof to point at the younger princess. “How could you go along with this? I'm shocked! It's a disgrace! A travesty is what this is!”
Luna looked unfazed by the raving fashionista. “Were you spying on us, miss Rarity? How did you get past my guards?”
“Wha—” Rarity stopped and caught herself. “I was not! I was simply in the library to pick up a book when you came up the stairs, is that a crime now?”
“Oh, the last Shades of Pink novel?” Twilight burst out happily and levitated said book off a nearby shelf for Rarity, who had suddenly turned a very bright shade of pink to match. “I made sure to save it for you as you wanted.”
“Twilight!” the blushing unicorn gasped and whispered through clenched teeth at her friend, “I thought we agreed to keep this hush-hush!”
“Oh, sorry,” Twilight said dejectedly and quickly shoved the book back on the shelf.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Could we stay on topic? I would appreciate it, thanks. I don't care how ugly it is, we need to get Celestia back to her old self so I can go back to sleeping at day,” she said and grabbed the blinking metal crown out of Rarity's grasp.
“At LEAST let me make it look fit for the royal head,” Rarity insisted.
“We don't have time,” Luna said and pushed past Rarity.
Rarity puffed herself up. “Well then! I didn't want to have to do this, but if that's how it is, I may just have to go to the press. And I happen to be a very trustworthy source due to my closeness to a certain student of the princess and my recognition among the Canterlot elite, while both you and Twilight are highly suspect in this matter!”
Luna turned and glared at Rarity. “You wouldn't!”
Rarity glared back. “I would!”
Twilight gnawed on her lip and wrung her hooves nervously as she watched the battle between the two mares, their heads butted and lightning flaring dangerously between their eyes. Finally Luna gave in. “Fine!” she said and shoved the futuristic head gear at Rarity. “But do try to make it quick!”
“Proper fashion can not be rushed, princess!” Rarity said triumphantly and trotted out the door towards the Carousel Boutique. The two guards stationed outside smiled politely and waved at her as she brushed past them, but quickly stood back at attention as Luna gave them a withering glare.
***
“How are we going to get Celestia to wear it?” Twilight Sparkle asked as she looked out the window at the evening sky. Rarity had been working on several designs, so far deeming all of them to be unfit for anything but a carnival fair. Fabrics, feathers and gems were flying around the boutique along with scissors, needles and thread. Twilight and Luna had wisely decided to stay out of the process.
“Just leave that to me, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna replied confidently. The princess too was watching the sky, looking like she didn't much like what she saw. “But it better be soon,” she added loudly, “or I'm going to have to lower the sun again tonight. Do you know what a bother the sun is to lower? It's very temperamental, not at all like my beautiful, serene moon.”
Twilight perked up with interest. “You speak of them as if they're alive?”
“They do have … a sort of personality. Not like a pony, of course. It's difficult to explain, in time you get to see them a bit like your children. I think the sun is trying to pay me back for what I did. Not in an unfriendly way, mind you, it's just very stubborn.”
“That is so fascinating!” Twilight said and clapped her hooves together in excitement. “What—”
“Ahem,” Rarity coughed politely to get their attention. As they turned, she gestured at the finished creation. “Voilà!” The hat was huge—no doubt necessary to hide Twilight's contraption underneath—and towered above the dress form in a colossal display of feathers and glittering pearls and gems. Some of the light glinting in the gems apparently came from the repurposed lights on Twilight's contraption hidden within. Twilight and Luna gaped at the Hat of all Hats before them.
“Well? What do you think?” the fashionista asked expectantly.
“Wow! Its … amazing, Rarity,” Twilight stammered.
Luna walked around the hat, inspecting it from every angle. “I wouldn't be surprised if this hat grew a personality of its own,” she said at last. “I've never seen anything like it.”
Rarity beamed. “Why, thank you, dears. It is nothing special, really.”
“Sooo …” Twilight said, taking a long breath. “Where do we find Celestia?”
They looked at Luna, who took a breath and cleared her throat. Both ponies quickly jumped for cover and covered their ears.
“SO HELP ME CELESTIA, I'M GOING TO MAKE MY SISTER WEAR THIS AMAZING HAT WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT!”
Luna looked around as the windows of the boutique stopped vibrating and the two ponies slowly emerged back from their hiding holes. “Or, you know,” she said with a shrug, “we could go have dinner instead. Would you like to have dinner with me? I heard of this amazing restaurant in Manehattan, have you ever been to Manehattan? It's a great place, I could show you around. It'd be like a real girl's night out,” the princess said cheerfully. “What do you say?”
There was a sudden flash and cloud of smoke. Celestia glared at her sister and pointed an angry hoof at the hat. “Give me the hat, Luna! Don't make me make you make me wear it!”
“If you say it, sister.” Luna lifted the hat off the model and lowered it onto Celestia's head.
There was a long, breathless pause as Celestia considered herself in the mirror. She closed her eyes and smiled. “So, what about that dinner in Manehattan?”
“The girls and I shall enjoy a night on the town,” Luna said as she stopped Celestia with a glare. “You, my dear sister, had better get your flank in gear. I left a whole day's worth of work back at Canterlot for you. Chop chop!” she said and marched Celestia out of the boutique.
“But—” Celestia moped, ears drooped under her new giant hat. “Don't you think I deserve a day off?”
“I think you've had more than enough days off for a while, and look at it this way, now you have peace and quiet. You should be able to get all the work done in no time,” Luna said and gave Celestia a smack on the flank. “Hi-ho, Celestia! Away!”
Celestia reared up and spread her wings with a loud neigh. As she raced back towards Canterlot, Luna turned to her two friends. “So … ready for a real girl's night out?” she grinned.
Back in the library Twilight's machine hummed and whirred happily.
***
One week later …
Luna narrowed her eyes at the starry sky, focusing her attention on each constellation as she worked out the new designs she had been sketching all week. This was going to be some of her best work yet, a creation for the ages. Slowly, meticulously and with the utmost care she arranged the night sky from the top tower of the castle, extending her magic senses across the celestial sphere, feeling all the little points of light in her mind. “No distractions,” she whispered, beads of sweat running down her face as it set in an expression of intense focus. “This is too important!”
(By Luna! Twilight Sparkle is so worn out from all this studying and wonders if the princess is up for another night out. It'll be super fun.)
Luna jumped and ground her teeth as she felt her magic careen out of control with a long, drawn-out mental shriek like the needle of a phonograph being pulled violently across the record. Luna stared in horror at the sky where all the stars had been stretched out in one great, jagged line. A tear trickled down her cheek as her face set in an angry snarl. It would take weeks to get them back in order.
“TWIIIIILIGHT SPAAAARKLE!!!”
