My Jaws That Bite, My Claws That Catch

by Vertigo22

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Warcraft, Comedy, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 1094

Twilight Sparkle attempts to enjoy a game of Hearthstone, but is instead faced with a creature far more powerful than anything she's faced before in her life.

Inspired by the controversy surrounding the Shudderwock card in Hearthstone's latest expansion: The Witchwood.

It's the launch day of the new Hearthstone expansion, and nopony in Equestria is more excited than Twilight Sparkle. After opening her seventy packs that she pre-purchased, the princess of friendship is ready to kick some flank with her awesome new Mage deck.

Unfortunately, a certain class has other plans for her.

"My jaws that bite, my claws that catch!"

Edited by James Fire.

Published 2018-04-13 17:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-13 17:40:07 UTC

Snicker snack!

“I have faced many challenges.”

A harmonious tune played behind Twilight Sparkle, her eyes fixated on the world outside her castle. Behind her, the glow of her computer’s screen lit her otherwise dark bedroom

“I have saved Equestria from those who would do it harm.”

A deep hmm came from the top-of-the-line speakers she’d purchased from the local electronics store, sending a shiver running down her back.

“But nothing can compare to this.”

“Greetings, friend.”

Twilight turned her head to look at the computer screen and sighed. She watched as a shadow was cast over a playing field before a card dropped down, causing a few cracks to appear before they vanished like magic.

Then it came. The voice that had caused many minutes of Twilight’s time to be eaten away.

“My jaws that bite, my claws that catch!”

The princess of friendship was powerless as cards of yore appeared; their effects being cast by a creature most foul. It froze Twilight’s minions and even Twilight herself in place. It created a second, third, and even fourth copy of itself. Then came the life draining sting of a Lifedrinker, which absorbed a whole three health from Twilight’s character and healed a green creature in shamanistic garb that called itself xXxDreamKrusher69xXx.

Then came the earthquake. The rumble of the earth itself. The copies of the creature were brought back into the hands of the foul shaman and doomed Twilight to repeat the events that had just transpired once more.

“My jaws that bite, my claws that catch!”

Twilight fell to the floor as the sounds of the card game filled her bedroom. “Five games in a row!” She tilted her head up and glared at the screen as more copies of the foul card were made thanks to slave labor. “How long can this go on!?”

Father Time answered Twilight’s question with the power of ocular sight, which helped guide her to the top right corner of the playing field. A tray of small crystals were half empty, causing Twilight’s eyes to pop out of her head in shock. “You still have five mana left!?” Once more did the princess of friendship capitulate; the floor becoming her home for the next ten and a half minutes. It was a terrible fate to be sure, but it was nothing compared to the numerous stings of the Lifedrinker that Twilight’s character—a sorceress by the name of Jaina Proudmoore—had to endure. Over the course of the time that she rested on the floor, many a sting were inflicted upon her.

And it was all thanks to that damned card.

“Ugh… how did Shudderwock get past QA!?” A deafening silence filled the air as Twilight realized that nopony, near or far, would answer her question. Eventually though, the barrage of jaw biting and claw catching ceased, and she was able to finally take her turn. She sat up and brought her cursor to a small icon in the bottom right corner of the screen. Clicking it brought up an options menu, to which she clicked the first one.

Concede.

“You win this one.”

It was at this point that Twilight sunk back down onto the floor like a deflating whacky waving inflatable leg flailing tubepony. The cold comfort of the floor was the one solace she had in this cruel, unforgiving world of cardcraft, and it was comfort that she found…

“Ugh…”

Soothing.

“I don’t get it,” she said. “I searched far and wide on the ponynet for a counter to this deck. I tried Hunter.”

The grimace of Rexxar the Orc. The wrath of Baku the Mooneater—a beast that traded of the steadiness of an arrow to the face into a full-blown ballista to the face. But most important.

HUFF

The huffing of Huffer.

“If I can’t play methodically.” Twilight clicked on Kill Command and cast it on the Shaman’s face. “I’ll just go face!” The critically acclaimed SMOrc Song started to blare out of the speakers as Twilight watched with glee as her opponents health rapidly declined. From thirty to fifteen to five, it went down like water down a drain.

Then she ran out of cards.

“What is it about Hunter card d—”

“My jaws that bite, my claws that catch!”

“Hunter card draw sucks,” Twilight muttered as the next fifteen minutes of her life accompanied the Shaman’s health.

“I tried Shaman.”

It was a battle of the battlecries. Murmuring Elementals, wondering how long can this go on, and totems.

But mostly wondering how long it can go on.

“Come on.” Twilight’s legs shook with anticipation with each card she drew. She had it all in her hand: the Lifedrinker, Grumble, and Dorian the Dollmaster. She wasn’t sure why he was there, he just was.

“Where is he!?”

“My jaws that bite, my claws that bite!”

Twilight’s eye twitched. “That’s not what I meant!” One deep sigh later, Twilight got up and left her room and trotted down the hallway.

“See? Told you he was a good card,” Spike said from another room.

“Yeah, but are you sure the other player’s gonna appreciate us wasting their time?” Starlight asked.

“Eh, a win’s a win.”

Twilight’s eye once more twitched. Like a wind-up doll, she turned around and trotted back to her room.

“I even tried Priest!”

Twilight conceded as Bloodmage Thalnos landed on the field.

“I forgot that Baku requires I only use odd cost cards...”

“I really don’t like Priest…”

Twilight sat up and looked at her computer screen and clicked the mouse a few times before she was brought back to her deck selection screen. She stood there for a few moments before clicked on the play button. “One more game…”

After a few seconds of waiting, Twilight was thrust into a game against what the game dubiously deemed a “worthy opponent”. It was at that point that an energetic voice announce the two competitors.

“Liadrin versus Jaina!”

“My hammer burns with holy fire!” Liadrin heroically announced.

“You asked for it!” replied Jaina.

Twilight smiled and clopped her hooves together. “Finally, someone who isn't playing Sham—”

The screen darkened. In the top left corner, a card appeared in a cloud of smoke.

“None will survive!”

The smile faded and a strand of Twilight's mane popped in front of her face.

“BROOOOOOOODE!”

“Yes, a mage!” Princess Luna squealed with delight as her turn began. She clicked on a Righteous Protector and ended her turn. “Let's see how you fare without your Ice Block you cheaters!”