Unpleasant Correspondence

Chapters

Friendship is Magic: Part 2
The Ticket Master
Applebuck Season
Griffon the Brush Off
Boast Busters
Dragonshy
Look Before You Sleep
Bridle Gossip
Swarm of the Century
Winter Wrap Up
Call of the Cutie
Suited For Success
Feeling Pinkie Keen
Sonic Rainboom
Stare Master
The Show Stoppers
A Dog and Pony Show
Green Isn't Your Color
Over a Barrel
A Bird in the Hoof
The Cutie Mark Chronicles
Owl's Well that Ends Well
Party of One
The Best Night Ever
The Return of Harmony: Part 1
The Return of Harmony: Part 2
Lesson Zero
Luna Eclipsed
The Cutie Pox
May the Best Pet Win
The Mysterious Mare Do Well
Sweet and Elite
Secret of My Excess
Hearth's Warming Eve
Baby Cakes
The Last Roundup
The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
Read it and Weep
Hearts and Hooves Day
A Friend in Deed
Putting Your Hoof Down
Special: Putting Her Hoof Down (Twilight's Interaction)
It's About Time
Dragon Quest
Hurricane Fluttershy
Ponyville Confidential
MMMystery on the Friendship Express
A Canterlot Wedding
The Crystal Empire
GAK Attack Special
Too Many Pinkie Pies
One Bad Apple
Magic Duel
Sleepless In Ponyville
Wonderbolts Academy
Apple Family Reunion
Spike at Your Service
Keep Calm and Flutter On
Just for Sidekicks
Games Ponies Play
Magical Mystery Cure
Special: An Open Letter to Princess Celestia
Ponyville Express Report: Assassination Attempt Failed
Equestria Girls
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Castle Mane-ia
Daring Don't
Power Ponies
Bats!
Rarity Takes Manehattan
Pinkie Apple Pie
Rainbow Falls
Three's A Crowd
Pinkie Pride
Filli Vanilli
Twilight Time
ENN Special: Princess Twilight Uncouth?
It Ain't Easy Being Breezies
Somepony to Watch Over Me
Maud Pie
Leap of Faith
Testing Testing 1, 2, 3
Trade Ya!
Inspiration Manifestation
Equestria Games
Twilight's Kingdom
Special: Damn Straight I'm the Best!
Rainbow Rocks
The Cutie Map
Castle Sweet Castle
Bloom & Gloom
Tanks for the Memories
Make New Friends but Keep Discord
Slice of Life
Princess Spike
Party Pooped
Amending Fences
Special: After Amending Fences
Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?
Canterlot Boutique
Rarity Investigates!
Brotherhooves Social
The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows
Hearthbreakers
Scare Master
What About Discord?
The Hooffields and McColts
The Mane Attraction
The Cutie Re-Mark
Special: Reporting About Her New Friends
Special: Rubbing Salt in the Wound
Friendship Games
The Crystalling
Special: Iron Will Show Paternity Test!
Special: Celestia's Trolling Letters
The Gift of Maud Pie
Gauntlet of Fire
No Second Prances
Special: Twilight's Finally Happy!
A Hearth's Warming Tail
Special: Friends at Last!
The Saddle Row Review
Applejack's "Day" Off
Flutter Brutter
Spice Up Your Life
Stranger than Fan Fiction
The Cart Before the Ponies
28 Pranks Later
The Times they are a Changeling
Dungeons & Discords
The Fault in Our Cutie Marks
Viva Las Pegasus
Every Little Thing She Does
P.P.O.V. (Pony Point of View)
Top Bolt
To Where and Back Again
Celestial Advice
All Bottled Up
Rock Solid Friendship
Fluttershy Leans In
Special: Fluttershy Leans In Fallout
Forever Filly
Parental Glideance
Hard to Say Anything
Honest Apple
A Royal Problem
Special: Sunset's Troubling Report
Special: Shy Letters
Not Asking For Trouble
Discordant Harmony
Fame and Misfortune
Special: Twilight's Last Diary Entry in Canterlot
Triple Threat
Campfire Tales
To Change a Changeling
Daring Done?
It Isn't the Mane Thing About You
A Health of Information
Marks and Recreation
Once Upon a Zeppelin
Secrets and Pies
Special: Mirror Magic/Sci-Twi's Pleas for Help
Special: Sci-Twi's Liberation!
Special: Post Liberation Letters
Uncommon Bond
Shadow Play
Special: The Old Pillars' Complaints
My Little Pony: The Movie
School Daze
The Maud Couple
Special: Exploits of the Pie Sisters
Fake it 'Til You Make It
Grannies Gone Wild
Surf and/or Turf
Special: Surf and/or Turf Part 2
Horse Play
The Parent Map
Special: Could Celestia Be?
Non-Complete Clause
Special: Twilight's Wrath over H&H Day
Molt Down
The Mean Six
Yakity-Sax
A Matter of Principals
The Hearth's Warming Club
Friendship University
The End in Friend
Road to Friendship
The Washouts
A Rockhoof and a Hard Place
What Lies Beneath
Sounds of Silence
Father Knows Beast
School Raze
Special: The Best Gift Ever
Special: Nightmare Correspondence
Week 1 Hiatus Special: Shy's Correspondence With Celestia
Week 2 Hiatus Special: Celestia's Orders
Week 3 Hiatus Special: Apologies
Week 5 Hiatus Special: Fluttershy's Letter to Equestria
Week 6 Hiatus Special: ENN Report Potential Libel
Week 8 Hiatus Special: Celestia and Twilight's Letter to Equestria
Special: A Very Minty Christmas
Special: Human Colgate's New Property!
Week 11 Hiatus Special: Informing Celesta
Week 12 Hiatus Special: Shy Family Correspondence
Week 13 Hiatus Special: Speculation in the Ponyville Express
Week 14 Hiatus Special: The Investigation
Week 15 Hiatus Special: Report and Response Regarding the Crime
Special: My Shy is Expecting!
Special: Seriously, Only Nine Seasons?
Week 16 Hiatus Special: Spreading the Good News
Special: Celestial Displeasure Over the Next Movie
Week 17 Hiatus Special: Goldner's Orders
Week 18 Hiatus Special: Post-Healing Letters
Week 19 Hiatus Special: The Final Apology
Week 20 Hiatus Special: Celestia's Requests
Special: Winter Wrap Up Hijack
Week 21 Hiatus Special: Last Hiatus Correspondence
Special: Teacher of the Month
Special: Starlight the Hypnotist
Special: Ail-icorn
Special: Forgotten Friendship
Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 1
Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 2
Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 3
Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 5
The Beginning of the End
The Beginning of the End: Discord Special
Uprooted
Special: Colgate's Summons
Special: Fluttershy's Intake Appointment
Special: Post Appointment Letters
Twilight's Seven
The Point of No Return
Common Ground
Sweet and Smoky
Student Counsel
The Last Crusade
Special: Standing Up to the Tax Pony
Between Dark and Dawn
Rainbow Roadtrip
Mid-Season Special: Fluttershy Discovers Her Fate
The Last Laugh
Special: Brokering a Deal
2,4,6 Greaaat
A Trivial Pursuit
The Summer Sun Setback
She Talks to Angel
Dragon Dropped
A Horse Shoe-In
Special: A Letter from Mom
Daring Doubt
Special: My Shy Has Given Birth!
The Big Mac Question
The Ending of the End
Through the Crystal Ball/The Last Problem
Post-Series Special 2: Origins Revealed (Live Action)
Post-Series Special 3: The Ascensions (Live Action)
Post-Series Special 4: Father/Daughter Correspondence
Post-Series Special 5: Tense Mother/Daughter Letters
Post-Series Special 6: Letters from the Canterlot Four
Post-Series Special 7: Sisters' Correspondence
Post-Series Special 8: The Sisters Are Exposed!
Post-Series Special 9: Starlight's Betrayal (Live Action)
Post-Series Special 10: Summoning Twilight
Post-Series Special 11: The Second Ascension (Live Action)
Post-Series Special 12: Planning the Coronation
Post-Series Special 13: The Coronation (Live Action)
Post-Series Special 14: Speculation in the Canterlot Chronicle
Post-Series Special 15: The Last Summons
Post-Series Special 16: Claiming their Prize (Live Action)
Post-Series Special 17: A Letter to Mom (Five Years Later)
Post-Series Special 18: Freedom!
Final Post-Series Special: Proteges' Correspondence
Friendship is Magic: Part 1
Fall Weather Friends
Hiatus Special: Twilight's Rants & Request
Sisterhooves Social
Special: Fluttershy's Concerns
Family Appreciation Day
Hiatus Special: Post Wedding Correspondence
Special: Twilicorn Fallout
Flight to the Finish
Simple Ways
For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils
Appleoosa's Most Wanted
The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone
Made in Manehattan
Crusaders of the Lost Mark
On Your Marks
Newbie Dash
Buckball Season
Where the Apple Lies
Legend of Everfree
A Flurry of Emotion
Special: A Letter from Twilight's Old Friends
The Perfect Pear
Special: Limestone's Desires
The Break Up Break Down
Marks for Effort
Week 4 Hiatus Special: Breaking the Bad News
Week 7 Hiatus Special: A Direct Order from Celestia
Week 9 Hiatus Special: Letters Between Friends
Week 10 Hiatus Special: A Lesson Learned the Violent Way (Live Action)
SPOILER Special: Trailer Troubles
Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 4
She's All Yak
Frenemies
Special: Promises to the Canterlot Four
Going to Seed
Growing Up is Hard to Do
Post-Series Special 1: The Summons

Friendship is Magic: Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

This whole festival was nothing short of a disaster. Like I said last time, I had to put up with five annoying ponies and the rest of this town doesn't seem all that bright either. Yes I know I bitched about this unfriendly Alicorn crashing the party but what I'd like to know is why the hell didn't you show up? Were you screwing Twinkleshine to spite me or were you trying to console Moondancer since I skipped her lame party? Oh well, now it looks like I have to go hunt down this Alicorn that turned into a purple mist and throw her into Tartarus or whatever the hell it is you want me to do to her.

Like I read in a dusty old book you bitched about me reading, her name is Nightmare Moon and the only thing that can defeat her are the Elements of Harmony. Unfortunately, your lazy ass was too stupid to teach me about them so now I have to go to the local library and hope they have something about them.

Speaking of the library, the librarian must be an idiot because the shelving system is so primitive, have they never heard of the Library of Canterlot system? Anyway, I thought I could get some research done when my new stalkers barged in and questioned me about this. I felt like telling them to go to hell but the one with ADHD found the right book and now we know where they are, they're in that dilapidated dump that you used to call home.

Now for what really pisses me off, I wanted to go and do this alone but the stalker ponies just had to tag along. Good grief, do they have something for me or something. Ugh, I swear, I felt like smacking them but just to shut them up I let them follow me and hoped they didn't cause too many problems.

I suppose it ain't too bad since the pony that overfed me saved me from falling off a cliff, the bird obsessed pegasus calmed down a manticore, the one with ADHD got us to laugh and get rid of frowny faces on trees, the one Spike wants to screw calmed down a possibly gay sea serpent and the narcissistic bitch wound up pissing off some other pegasi and we were able to get to your old castle, which honestly surprised me.

Well I found the Elements but there were only five of the damn things. Was this your way of trolling me or something, to make sure I couldn't find everything I needed to do this. Eventually I was able to tell my stalkers to go away while I tried to pump energy into the five I found to get the sixth to appear but then the bitch that crashed the party just had to show up and teleport the both of us to another part of that dump.

After that the true fun began, the bitch wound up shattering the Elements and was acting like hot shit. At that point I felt like saying "screw this," coming home and resuming my studies until my stalkers showed up. I was hoping I could offer them as a gift to Nightmare Moon so I could get home but the damn Elements just had to somehow be connected to those five and before I knew it, the sixth Element appeared and we finally beat her.

Nice way to troll Celestia, you finally decide to show up after we defeated her and now I know you truly are a bitch, you banished your own sister to the moon? What did she do? Did she eat your cake, did she screw one of your students or did your parents love her more? Whatever it is, I honestly don't care.

What pisses me off the most is that you have decided to make me stay here and befriend my stalkers. Seriously, you think I can become a powerful unicorn by studying friendship? Screw that, I could probably learn more being a beggar on the streets in Fillydelphia but chances are you'd throw me in Tartarus if I did that so I shall tolerate my stalkers but I will still find a way to pry Twinkleshine away from you no matter what.

Your angry and bitter student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

You keep on bitching and bitching about every little thing. Look, I have plans for you and this bitchy Alicorn but first you need to go find her and put her in her place. I knew you'd bitch about it but those stalker ponies will play a very important role in you getting to my old castle.

Now a very important memo for you, had your stalkers not went with you, you would have fell to your death when that landslide took place and if you would have somehow managed to survive that, the manticore would have had a tasty unicorn steak so get over it, those friends, I mean stalkers were very important for you to reach your destination.

Regarding the Elements, I was not trolling with there only being five of them present, I was merely being a prankster who wanted to see you get worked up over it. Regarding the Elements working for your stalkers and the sixth appearing, that was just good timing on your part.

FYI: I was not being a bitch over banishing my sister. Yes she did eat my cake but she also tried to kill me in the past because she wanted a longer night so she deserved to be banished. Now regarding why it took me so long to show up, I was busy feasting on cake so I was distracted. Just so you know, taking on villains will be YOUR JOB from now on, those and some other select ponies I know you're gonna love.

Oh and on a final note, you may want to actually learn the names of your stalkers because I am forcing you to stay down in that dump and study friendship. Yeah you won't learn shit but it beats Tartarus, right? Now get over yourself, make yourself at home in the library and befriend your stalkers.

Oh and how could I forget, you will send me friendship reports on a weekly basis and if you either don't learn anything or are tardy with your letters, I'll banish you to the moon.

Your Supreme Overlord,

Princess Celestia

The Ticket Master

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I have come to the conclusion that you forcing me to stay in this hell hole was no joke so I have decided to help these so-called friends, well more like acquaintances, with some of their boring everyday activities. I knew the town has to eat so I figured I'd help Applejack on the farm but you just had to cause a work stoppage didn't you?

Now I know you're a grade A troll because you invited me to the Grand Galloping Gala when you know I'm not into boring shit like that. I think I would rather spend a thousand years on the moon than have to go to some formal dance with a bunch of rich snobs. Unfortunately my apple farming acquaintance doesn't feel the same way. She sees the damn ticket and suddenly decides she wants to go and she ain't the only one!

She wants to go and sell these disgusting things she calls treats, Crash wants to go and try to impress the Wonderbolts, Pinkie thinks the Gala is a foals' party and wants to go, Rarity wants to seduce your nephew....ewww, gross! Of course Fluttershy wants to go and foalnap your animals and bring them home with her. Now I had a serious decision to make, who the hell should I take? Normally I would just have had them fight each other and give the top two participants the tickets and say "screw this shit" but I may as well go, maybe Twinkleshine and I can have some fun.

Good grief these acquaintances of mine pissed me off. All of a sudden they thought that doing me special favors would get me to give them the ticket. Crash thought kicking a hole in the clouds would do it, Rarity thought making me an outfit, if you can even call it that, would do it, Applejack thought overfeeding me again would do it, Fluttershy thought cleaning the library would do it and little miss ADHD thought that notifying the whole damn town I have an extra ticket would do it.

I swear, they must be complete idiots if they think causing me so much stress will get me to give them the tickets. Thanks to Pinkie, the whole town was chasing me around and offering to do everything for me, everything from helping me with my gardening to providing me with a much needed stress release. Finally I got sick of it and teleported into the library but I just couldn't escape all these troublemakers because my stalkers, I mean friends were in there waiting for me. Ugh, can't they just leave me the hell alone?

Finally I had it, I simply told them that choosing was too hard on me and finally they relented and apologized for being such bitches and stressing me out. They finally admitted they didn't want the ticket and as you know, I sent the damn things back. Phew, I thought I was going to escape having to go to that shitty event but then you just had to troll me again, you sent us all tickets.

I suppose I shouldn't bitch too much because I finally did get some food in my system but still, curse you for sending me enough tickets for everypony.

You irritated student,

Twilight Sparkle

To my irritated student,

I must say, it is always fun to see you get worked up when things don't exactly go your way. I know you're just now getting used to actually spending time with your friends rather than blowing them off and hiding in your study tower. I am happy to see you helping out down there but one measly day helping out on the apple farm won't cut it, I am expecting more from you.

Regarding the tickets, I will admit I only sent two so I could see you get all worked up because you're so adorable when you are over stressed. I am not thrilled with your friends' desires though. Applejack doesn't know she will need a peddler's permit, Rainbow Crash doesn't know the Wonderbolts won't accept anypony, Rarity doesn't know my nephew only loves himself, Pinkie doesn't know this ain't a foal's party and Fluttershy doesn't know my animals hate everypony except me. Please tell them this so they won't cause any unnecessary drama.

Yeah I know they caused you a lot of stress but you should have just accepted their favors instead of bitching all day about being hungry, it is most unbecoming of a student of mine. Now that you have enough tickets for all of you to come, you better be here or your punishment will be harsh, very harsh. What it will be yet I'm not sure but I'm certain you won't like it.

Your Fun Loving Troll,

Princess Celestia

Applebuck Season

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, there are some things about this dump that I just don't get, Big Mac hurt himself and suddenly Applejack has decided to take it upon herself to clear the whole orchard on her own. I know she is a hard worker but what I see here is extreme narcissism and I honestly thought she was the rational acquaintance of mine. Oh well, as long as she doesn't come begging me for help I'll be fine.

Now for one thing that is making me realize how truly pathetic this place is, they are going to give Applejack a prize pony award for saving the town from a stampede of cows. Seriously, a stampede of idiotic cows who ran at the sight of a non-venomous snake.

And just like they do with every other mindless thing down here, they have a party for her and since I'm the only one who has the intelligence to not only write a speech but deliver one, I took time out of my busy schedule to do this and you know what pisses me off? Applejack was late and she was barely coherent! Prize pony my lavender flank, just more proof that mediocrity is celebrated in this dump.

Another thing I don't get about her, Applejack is not only working herself to death, she is also helping her friends as well. She helps Rainbow with the most moronic thing possible, launching her into the air. Seriously, she's a damn pegasus and if she needs somepony to launch her in the air to do a trick, that proves she is a lousy flyer and definitely not Wonderbolt material. Now that isn't what irks me, what irks me is that she crashes onto my balcony while I'm trying to read! My quest to fulfill my intellectual needs in this dump was interrupted by a pegasus who can't do her own tricks.

After that, I had enough. I decided to confront Applejack over this and she rejected my help yet at the same time, she took time away from her orchard to help Pinkie Pie at the bakery. Given how fatigued she was, I knew that would end in a disaster and it did. Applejack put worms in the batter and her absent minded friend was too dumb to notice and suddenly most of the town had fallen ill. I honestly think you need to find me a new set of friends, like the ones I avoided all the time back home. Hey, at least they were intelligent unlike these hacks.

You know this is getting ridiculous, she rejected my help again but then decided to help Fluttershy with the local bunny census. Look, unless you're trying to get a count for how many rabbit birth control pills that are needed down here, this has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. Of course Applejack screwed up again and I decided to go confront her again!

Just as I caught her it looked like she finished this impossible task but just as she was proclaiming victory I had to laugh when she learned she only got half of it. Finally though, she accepted my help and the help of my other acquaintances. Ok, I'm going to admit, my way of removing apples is much more efficient than apple bucking is. What is horrible is that they didn't even pay me for removing so many apples, damn cheapskates. I'll tell you one thing, I'm never helping them again.

Your Underappreciated Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To my most bitchy student,

I get it, you don't get small town ways and you think they are total morons. Guess what, I don't get small town ways either but I don't go bitching about behind their backs either. I will be honest, I find it kind of funny that you actually care about the apple harvest to begin with. I thought you'd be too focused on your studying to even pay attention.

News flash Twily, cows are stupid and they are going to run away from non-venomous snakes and sometimes a pony is needed to stop them from flattening the town. Now I do agree that them throwing a party and giving her a big trophy over something so menial is pointless but hey, they could be running you out of town for being such a little bitch most of the time.

I know Applejack constantly helping everypony else when she has her own things to do pisses you off but I want to know why you care so damn much. You bitch, bitch, bitch about things that don't even affect you. Next time something like this happens, just shut yourself up inside the library and let them bungle their way through whatever pointless task they are doing.

I do want to thank you for telling me about the rabbit overpopulation problem though. I will be sure to send a whole army of vets down there to spay and neuter them so that stupid bunny census won't be necessary anymore.

I am glad to hear that the apple harvest was taken care of but I am not thrilled to hear you bitching about not getting paid for removing those apples. Friends do things for one another without charging them for doing it, I honestly thought I raised you better than that. Oh well, I guess even I can't be perfect all the time.

Your Annoyed Owner,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am not going to find you a new set of friends. If you would have ever spent time with your intelligent friends up here, I never would have ran you out of town. Get over yourself and accept the set of friends I gave you.

Griffon the Brush Off

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again I am questioning the sanity of one of my friends. There I was trying to read when the one with ADHD just continued to bounce around and go on and on about how great Crashie is. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me not to just beat her senseless? Anyway, Crash goes flying by and luckily Pinkie went chasing after her so I could relax while I read.

I personally think that Pinkie needs some sense knocked into her because it seemed like Rainbow was barely tolerating her presence as she was trying to get away from her. Hell, it seemed like she was tolerating her even less than me and that says something since merely being around her makes me want to spit nails.

As you figured out, Rainbow decided to tolerate Pinkie and they began pulling pranks. The little bitches did all sorts of annoying things but the worst was swapping out my ink for invisible ink. Damn it anyway, I was trying to write down what I needed for a lust potion I was going to give Twinkleshine next time she is down here, which is fairly often I notice.

Now given that I had shut myself in the library I didn't know a ton of what happened but I did have my window open and apparently some bitch, a griffon, from Rainbow's past showed up in town and suddenly Pinkie has fallen to the bottom of Rainbow's priority list. Great, just great, now she's probably going to come bitch to me about it when I have better things to do, which is just about anything.

As it turns out, I was right. Pinkie did come bitching to me about how this Gilda told her to buzz off and shit but I really wasn't paying enough attention to know everything she complained about. Now I knew it is my duty as a "friend" to try and give her some proper guidance. I basically told her to quit being so judgmental and then she went on her way.

After that I'm not real sure what the hell she did until I got an invitation to some party she was throwing for Gilda. I swear, Ponyville will make up any excuse to get out of being productive and throw a party. Despite me having little desire to go, I heard there would be cake so Spike and I figured we would go.

Now naturally Gilda was being a bitch at the party when she fell for every trap that was set up for her. She ain't the brightest bulb in the box, that's for sure but what can you expect out of the lesser species in this country. Ultimately she snapped and even Crashie had to admit she was a bitch and she ran her out of town.

Luckily for the town, Gilda left and the rest of the party went by fine but I am going to admit, I picked up a bad habit from you because I wound up eating the rest of the cake. Yeah the townsponies are all pissy now but I don't care, I satisfied my appetite and that is all that matters.

Your Cake Craving Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Cake Craving Student,

Before I say anything else I am going to warn you. If you so much as even eyeball my cake, I'll banish you to the moon, got it?

I'll be honest, from the way you are talking I think Pinkie may have something for Rainbow. Why in Equestria she would I don't know but it sure the hell seems like it.

Ok, now another thing I am going to make clear. This lust potion you want to give Twinkleshine, don't even think about making it because making things that alter ponies' behavior in such a way is illegal and is punishable by death and I don't feel like being obliged to burn you alive, ok?

About your advice to Pinkie, you should have told her to continue to judge Gilda and be suspicious of her every move because griffons are on my shit list and are to never be trusted. Now as far as this party went, I know you bitch and complain about it reducing productivity but look at it this way, had they not held it you wouldn't have got any cake so there is something you should be happy about.

Seriously though, could you please go through one day without bitching about one thing or another?

Your Fellow Cake Craver,

Princess Celestia

Boast Busters

Dear Princess Celestia,

First off, I think there is something seriously wrong with Spike. He has got it in his head that if I give him a mustache that he will be able to score with Rarity. Did you have a meeting with him so you could tag-team troll me or is he really that stupid? I just hope one day he will realize that Rarity is not a pedophile nor is she into bestiality.

To make matters worse, the following day I wound up running into two mindless colts who claimed a new unicorn had come to town, one with more magical powers than anypony, ever. Now I call bullshit on that because that is MY description and when I finally saw this unicorn for myself, I knew she was going to be nothing but trouble. All that stage magic is so damn lame that any average unicorn, outside of the moron colts I brought up, could easily pull it off.

I tell you, this town is full of idiots because outside of my acquaintances, they all believed that dumb little bitch when she claimed she vanquished an URSA Major. Vanquished an URSA my lavender flank, my guess is that she has never even seen one, much less vanquished one.

Now after a couple of my acquaintances failed to show her up, Spike was pestering me to challenge her and you know what? I would have but I didn't want everypony knowing how truly superior I am to them, it wouldn't bode well for my image so I let Rarity try and handle her, and after being embarrassed with green hair, hopefully Spike will forever be turned off to her.

Ok, I honestly think a couple of colts need to be educated on what a con-pony is because suddenly they have willingly become this unicorn's slaves, Trixie is her name. Now of course like all colts they are more curious than a coyote as one of my acquaintances would put it and have decided that since Trixie won't tell them the whole story about an URSA, that they're going to go get one for her to vanquish.

Oh joy, this can only end in disaster but one thing I would like to know. How the hell do they even know where this URSA lives, much less how to get to its cave. I'm thinking you better check the curriculum down here because we don't need them being taught where to find dangerous creatures.

You know, I've tried telling Spike to shut up because I can't ruin my superior image by showing up a stage magician but then guess what, the damn URSA has come to town and of course Trixie is suddenly The Cowardly and Pathetic Trixie so guess who has to deal with that damn thing? If you guessed me, that is right. Of course I'm the only one in this run down dump to have the power to do so.

Yes in the end I had to show these ponies how much better I am then they are and hauled that URSA home. What a shame it hadn't actually been an URSA Major because then I could have vanquished it and boasted that I'm better than even you. Oh well, I ran Trixie out of town, punished the idiot colts and then called it a night.

I must say, I know I should be getting accustomed to the ways of hick towns but I'm not. I'm still cursing myself for not going to Moondancer's party. Yes she would have wanted to get in my coat but that would be preferable to having to deal with the drama of this Faust-forsaken place.

Your Superior Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Allegedly Superior Student,

I get it, you're upset that Spike wants to screw Rarity yet you can't have Twinkleshine, damn it sucks to be you. So there was a new unicorn in town huh? Now you shouldn't be too hard on those colts because from what I understand, Snips and Snails are their names, are latchkey colts whose parents are never there for them and want a mother figure, even if she is a narcissistic fraud.

Alright, I agree with you on her stage magic being lame but there is one thing that you are wrong on. You are not the one with the most magic, I AM and don't you forget it. If you were as good with magic as I am, you'd be co-running this country with me instead of being my lowly subordinate.

Now regarding you not wanting to show off your skills to show up Trixie because you were afraid of how ponies may perceive you, that is pathetic! I did not raise you to give a shit what other ponies think of you, I raised you to show how superior you are and to put lesser ponies in their place, that is one strike against you. I'll let you in on a little secret, I was thinking of letting you come home early but not now, you'll be stuck there for the rest of your miserable, pathetic days if I have anything to do with it.

Regarding the colts and the URSA, the curriculum down there does teach where to find them. Now I was going to change that but just to spite you, I'm not only going to leave it in there, I plan on encouraging the foals to go find things to bring into town to inconvenience you. At least that way you will have a reason to bitch rather than just doing it because your friends are idiots.

Now for another thing, I'm glad that you were able to get everypony to see that Trixie is a fraud and you hauled that URSA back home but Ponyville now needs a new water tower. Guess what, I'm jacking up your parents' property taxes until enough is collected to buy Ponyville a new one or perhaps I should just have an actual water treatment plant constructed along with everything needed for running water there and that pathetic town can move into the modern world.

Now look, you really need to pound it into Spike's head that he's never going to score with Rarity and for Faust's sake, stop giving him facial hair. That is just as lame as some shit Trixie would do!

Your Irritated Queen,

Princess Celestia

Dragonshy

Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to know something, why in the hell is there a full grown dragon taking a nap here in Equestria? Isn't it either your job or the job of the royal guard to keep those things in the dragon lands or are they just as incompetent as most everypony else I have to put up with? I would also like to know why the hell it is up to me and my birdbrained "friends" to get rid of it.

I get it, you're probably too busy stuffing your face with cake to deal with it. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though, you were lazy enough when you expected me to learn everything on my own up there so Faust forbid you run a dragon off. The least you could have done was send some guard ponies down here to help me with this but because you won't, this is certain to end in failure.

Now one thing that I honestly don't get, I bring it up to these hacks you cursed upon me and they get ready like this is going to be something glorious and not a chore. I suppose I shouldn't bitch too much about most of them except for Fluttershy, who is scared to death of her shadow and wants to stay in Ponyville. Had I not thought that she might make herself useful in one way or another, I would have just let her stay home and play with her animals or whatever idiotic things she likes to do.

I tell you, the trip up there was a royal pain in the ass because Fluttershy was too damn scared of just about everything. I want to know something, was she dropped on her head a few too many times as a foal because she acted like she couldn't fly up with us. Yes I think Rainbow is a bitch but her bitchiness towards the coward was warranted for once.

Not only did Fluttershy slow us down by not flying, she caused Applejack to have to drag her around the mountain, she caused a landslide and she couldn't jump across a chasm shorter than my horn. What a pathetic thing she is. Could you please find somepony else to replace her with, such as Twinkleshine so one member of this group you put me with will be worthy of my presence?

Now for this stupid dragon, the idiot doesn't understand reason. I tried telling him he was causing the weather service to have to issue poor air quality alerts across Equestria and he didn't care. I felt like saying, "screw this" and going home but I figured that if it ate those other five that you'd shit all over that sunny flank of yours.

Next up was Rarity who tried to whore herself out to it for a few gems but that failed, no big surprise there. Next Pinkie thought throwing it a party would work and of course it wouldn't. After that the narcissist went in and kicked it, which caused it to come out and nearly kill us. Could you please replace her too, perhaps get Minuette to join us with Twinkleshine? If we're going to have an overly happy pony with us, it may as well be a hot one. Tell you what, if you will just send all my old friends down here and make us friends with benefits, maybe I'll stop bitching.

Finally though I thought I was going to drop dead in surprise when little miss chickenshit actually confronted the dragon, told it that it was a bastard for trying to hurt us, told it to quit ruining our air quality and to get lost. I can't believe it worked but that still doesn't get her off of my idiot list. One other thing that I don't get. After the dragon was gone, why the hell didn't Rarity go in and get as many gems as she wanted? I suppose her failure to do so proved even further that she is a moron.

Once it was gone I was equally as shocked when the idiot pegasi cleared the skies down here and now all of a sudden chickenshit thinks she is brave because she can tolerate Pinkie pretending to be a dragon. Next time a dragon or some other unsavory creature is bothering this country, could you please take care of it yourself instead of expecting me to do it.

Your Bitchy Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Bitchy Student,

Could you just shut the hell up already? Look, I didn't know the dragon even crossed into our airspace, much less decided to go into a coma in the top of a mountain. It is up to these lousy guard ponies to patrol the skies but it is obvious that they are as worthless as you are.

Now there is something you forgot that I told you, it is YOUR job to take care of villains and that includes these inconvenient critters too so quit your bellyaching. Look, your friends were simply excited for the most part to take on this endeavor while you were obviously just being bitchy because I am pawning things off on you that you don't like.

About the trip up to the dragon's cave, I suppose I can see why you are bitching about Fluttershy but maybe if you throw yourself out to her in the future, maybe she will be more excited. I will be honest, with all the delays you told me about and the things she caused, I'm shocked you managed to get up there alive.

Now about how you handled that dragon. With you it should come as no surprise that the dragon blew you off, they don't care about the environment they share with other creatures. With Rarity, what a shame that wasn't Spike up there snoring smoke, he would have let her rock his world and then begged her to take him home with her. Pinkie is just an idiot so no wonder her plan didn't work and Rainbow is lucky she didn't get you killed or a certain rainbow maned pegasus would find herself in Tartarus.

Now for what happened in the end, I am utterly shocked that Fluttershy not only stood up to that thing but got it to leave. I know you bitch about her being scared of everything but you should be thanking her for saving your lavender ass, well and so should the rest of your friends be thanking her. Also, I'm going to let you know why Rarity didn't go in there and take so many gems, she knows she couldn't afford the taxes I would levy on her and if she couldn't pay, I'd seize that fashion shop of hers. She definitely doesn't want that!

Oh and regarding replacing your new friends with your old friends, ain't happening. The only time you ever hung around with them was when I forced you to or you wanted a bootie-call. It could be worse you know, I could have rounded up five ponies that are as dumb as those colts you mentioned in your previous letter to befriend.

On a final note, I will tell you this again so maybe it will sink in to that egg shaped head of yours. Getting rid of unsavory creatures is your job now, remember? I have better things to do such as feast on cake, especially the white variety with pink frosting just to spite you.

Your Supreme Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Look Before You Sleep

Dear Princess Celestia,

Would you just incinerate this damn place already? I mean seriously, they have to knock sticks out of trees just so the rainstorm won't make too big of a mess? They're making a damn mess already so what does it matter? I have a bit of advice for you, let me get out of town and then tell those brain-dead pegasi to make a tornado so wide it will wipe it off the map so I can escape this shit you have cursed upon me.

You know, I am honestly surprised that Rarity and Applejack were both able to harness the power of those stupid Elements of Harmony together. There they were out there while the rain began to fall bitching and yelling at one another and I thought they were supposed to be friends. I was going to just let them stay stuck in that storm and get completely soaked but even I'm not a grade A bitch all the time so I invited them into my home.

I would soon learn that that was a mistake. You see, I wanted to have my very first slumber party since Spike was up with you for some unknown reason, probably a reason that I'll be pissed off over once I find out what it was. Back to my slumber party, those two idiots immediately start fighting over every damn thing and can't even get along. I had always heard that opposites attract but it obviously isn't the case with these two.

Applejack is even more practical than me and Rarity is a drama queen that probably wouldn't even fit in with that diva nephew of yours. You know, I honestly felt like smacking those two because they ruined everything! Applejack ruined the makeovers, Rarity ruined the S'mores, they both ruined the ghost stories, they made idiots out of themselves in the dare game and they tried to kill me with pillows!

I was seriously getting fed up with them and if they were even half as attractive as my old friends, I would have hauled them up to my bedroom for an initiation ceremony into my circle of friends but ugh, they're just too damn ugly. After I decided to call it a night, I made them share a bed hoping that maybe since they are too ugly to please me personally, that they'd at least put on a show for me.

To make matters worse, they even screwed up the slumber part of this. I was in a peaceful sleep, having a rather pleasant dream about Twinkleshine when those two idiots woke me up from it right before the good part! I honestly felt like throwing them out right then and there but I didn't want to be responsible for their deaths if they got hit by lightning.

Speaking of lightning, a bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree and thanks to Applejack and her damn lasso, the top of the damn thing wound up in my bedroom and after that, those two were arguing over that as well. Now do you see why I want you to replace them with more rational minded ponies?

Finally after more fighting and an apology from Applejack, they finally made amends and Rarity used her magic to get rid of the damn thing for the most part. If she hadn't been such a stubborn little bitch she could have just done that to start and my bedroom wouldn't have got so wet.

Finally I was able to throw them out after the idiot pegasi decided to clear out the clouds. Now would you just listen to me for once? Isn't there a spell you could cast so that these idiots won't have to do moronic tasks before a storm arrives? Can't you do something so that the storms will hit without warning?

Your Irritated Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Irritated Student,

You know something Twily? I have been wanting to incinerate all these backwater hellholes for ages but sadly, it is only the earth ponies that live in them that can grow our fine nation's food. Sorry but somepony in a big city with a tiny little tomato plant ain't going to feed the country.

You know something, believe it or not but I do agree with you on those two friends of yours. If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were adversaries, perhaps even less of acquaintances than you are with them but hey, sometimes friends are different and they do fight.

Now I am going to admit that I am utterly shocked that you would allow those two to go into that library of yours. It is government property and I think you'd know better than to allow a pony to track mud and water into that place. One thing is certain, if there is even one little stain in that library, your punishment will be harsh, very harsh. What it will be yet I don't know but I know you won't like it.

Regarding the slumber party, I am shocked that you would throw one to start with, much less invite a couple of ponies you can hardly tolerate, I sure the hell wouldn't. Makeovers, S'mores, ghost stories, the dare game, pillow fights? You must have been incredibly bored to partake in such ridiculous activities and why in the name of Mother Faust would you even mention the possibility of taking those two upstairs for an initiation ceremony? I get it, you're needy but it is good to see that you still have standards.

Now there is one thing I would love to know, when the top of that tree fell into your bedroom why the hell didn't you just use your magic to get rid of the damn thing? I would think that a pony that was in my school would have enough common sense to use her magic to get rid of it. I am extremely disappointed in you Twilight, I thought I raised you better than that.

Now look, I would love nothing more than to cast a spell that would reverse this spell that Luna and I cast when we took over here but we thought that if we let ponies control the weather, droughts and floods would be less common. Sadly the spell we cast was permanent so we all have to deal with it but I would greatly appreciate it if you'd quit bitching about it.

Your Annoyed Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Bridle Gossip

Dear Princess Celestia,

Just when I thought this pathetic dump couldn't get any more pathetic, just when I thought the ponies down here couldn't get any worse they set the bar higher. Spike and I had gone into town and everypony was locked up inside and hiding. Now you're going to think the reason is pathetic, very pathetic. Get this, they were hiding inside because a zebra had come into town. Yep, they were hiding because of a damn zebra.

That right there is proof that the ponies in this town truly are a bunch of pathetic xenophobes. Why the hell are they so scared of a creature that means them no harm? I get it, just like all xenophobes are, they're afraid of something that looks different. Now if they have to hide inside when an outsider showed up, it should have been when I came along, they should have been scared when a truly superior being entered their presence.

I felt truly disgusted that I was even associating with such judgmental assholes until Apple Bloom wanted to get to know this zebra but she proved to be equally as stupid when she decided to follow this zebra, Zecora, home. She may not be a xenophobe yet but she'll likely wind up following the wrong thing home one of these days and wind up dead. Oh well, it won't be a huge loss if she was to die anyway, it's not like something would happen to me.

Now for something really bad, when we went to get the idiot we stumbled into these blue plants and Zecora gave us some sort of warning about a joke. The bad thing was that after getting into those blue plants, my horn went limp! Now how in the hell am I supposed to give Twinkleshine, or any other hot mare for that matter, horn sex? I love receiving naturally but I do like the feeling of a vaginal wall pressing on my horn too!

Now I wasn't the only one to be affected by the plant, these acquaintances of mine did as well. I'll be honest, I may have pretended to care but I really didn't. What a shame they didn't all become tiny like Applejack, I could have mistaken them as appetizers of some sort and then flushed them down the toilet and out of my life once I digested them.

Like I said, I didn't give a shit about their problems but I joined them on the journey out to Zecora's to save Applejack's moronic sister after she ran away from home. Hey, I was going to demand that she restore my horn erection because I really need that thing to work properly for all aspects of life if you know what I mean.

When we got to Zecora's hut it looked like she was preparing a pot to boil Apple Bloom alive in and while everypony else seemed really concerned, I was secretly wondering what that little filly would taste like and hoped that Zecora would be willing to share. Fortunately for Applejack, her little sister was fine and then I demanded she fix my horn.

Now for the good news, she fixed my horn. For the bad news, she fixed my acquaintances as well and then she gave the spa twins the recipe for that stuff. Speaking of the spa twins, I've never had fun with earth ponies before and I'm thinking I may try them out. A hot night in the steam room certainly sounds good right about now!

With any luck though, this town won't be scared of Zecora anymore and will hopefully give other creatures a chance before judging them as well.

Your Non-Xenophobic Student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I got the spa twins in bed and sweet Mother of Faust are they good! I guess a couple ponies in this town are worthy of my presence after all.

To My More Accepting Student,

I suppose I should have warned you about how backwater towns are, I should have warned you that they are full of xenophobes. One thing I do want to make clear though, you are not so great and superior that they should have been afraid of you. I know what some of them think of you, I can tell some of them think you're a stuck up bitch and wish I'd make you come home. You know I secretly would but I hate them almost as much as you do so just to spite them, I'll make sure they're stuck with you.

I'll let you know why that filly wasn't scared of Zecora. Young fillies and colts have yet to be brainwashed by their elders and their speciesist ways. I will admit though, had you ran away from home like that when you were a filly, I would have just let you wander off to your doom and found a different protege. All of you are far too nice and way too caring.

Let that be one huge lesson Twilight, being too caring can have serious consequences and I can see why that limp horn was bothering you so much. You are such a kind, sweet, giving mare that you'd go nuts if you only took it. That actually surprises me though, I would think a stuck up bitch like you would only want to receive the gift of pleasure.

Now that is a crying shame though that Zecora didn't cook Apple Bloom. I'm sure she would have tasted great and maybe you could have conned Zecora into giving you a to-go box that you could have brought up to me, Apple Bloom soup does sound rather tasty after all.

I am glad to hear that you got your horn erection problem taken care of but I must say I'm surprised. I never imagined you to be the type to want to screw earth ponies, I always thought you would think they'd be beneath you. Well the spa twins are hot and those accents are very sexy so I can see why you'd choose those two.

One little request though, next time you get those spa twins in bed, invite me too. I want to try them out.

Your Suddenly Needy Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Swarm of the Century

Dear Princess Celestia,

Here we go again. I have come to the conclusion that you are nothing short of an attention whore. I'm not sure how often you demand that this dump hold festivals for you but they are at it again and of course like a pathetic little peon, I have to make sure that it goes on without a hitch. One thing I will admit though, one of my acquaintances seems to care way too much.

Fluttershy has decided to not only collect flowers for this event but she has decided to take another critter into her home, a bug. Yep, a stupid bug and that really makes me question her sanity and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is an idiot although I will admit, out of all these acquaintances, she is the one idiot I wouldn't mind initiating into my circle of ponies worthy of being in my presence. Hey I already did it with the spa twins so why not her too?

I will tell you one thing, the ponies in this town are idiots. Two little country bumpkins wound up misspelling your name on some banner they made for you. Oh well, it could have been worse, they could have only put "Welcome Sexy Twil" when I got here. They aren't the only morons though, the whole damn town and then some share the same pathetic trait. Even some of my old friends were there and when I tried approaching them about a bootie-call, they said they'd think about it, only think about it!

One thing I will let you in on, the one with ADHD ate every single cake that was supposed to be for you and me, so now she is on my true shit list, nopony eats my cake and gets away with it! Yes I will continue to tolerate her presence but if she so much as touches any cake of mine ever again, you'll have to replace her, preferably with one of my old friends.

Now for the one I suddenly want to screw, she brought a bug into town and now those dumb things are multiplying. Well that is just dandy now isn't it? The last thing I need is for you to get pissed off over some stupid bugs and then blame me for the infestation. I'm thinking I need to invest in some Raid so I can kill the dumb things before they make my life a living hell.

Unfortunately my worst nightmares came true when they not only made my life hell but my other acquaintances and it is all PETA girl's fault. She brought the damn things into town to start with and now we have a full blown infestation, it is time to round these fucking things up and get them out of here. Now believe it or not but it worked until Fluttershy kept one, the infestation began again and Pinkie ruined our chances of containing it and suddenly the damn things were eating all the food in town.

Now I know what a bitch you can be without your cake so I cast a spell to make them eat the buildings instead but as you know, ADHD filly ran them out of town with musical instruments. I guess those things are just as pathetic as my acquaintances are.

I would like to know one thing, couldn't you have took Pinkie with you to Fillydelphia, left her there and purge her from my life? Oh and don't bother writing me back right away, I have some private time at the spa and I do not wish to be disturbed.

Your Spa Loving Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To my Spa Loving Student,

For starters, I told you to invite me next time you were going to get those two in bed so I am not a happy princess right now. Just like it is with so many other things, I did not raise you to be a greedy little cunt, I raised you to share the wealth with me so you'll have to be punished sometime.

Now for the bugs, leave it to the animal lover to not only take one in but to create a whole infestation. One little note though, you aren't little miss innocent, you took one of the damn things into your home too, remember? In the future, please don't allow bugs into government property. Just because you live there doesn't mean you own it.

For the one who ate my cake, warn her that if she ever does it again that I will banish her to the moon when her presence is unnecessary, or even worse, I'll make her move in with you and then you can both suffer. That would be so much more fun if you ask me!

Regarding this festival though, I am not an attention whore! You are simply jealous that ponies love and worship me while you are nothing more than a jealous little bitch who wants festivals of your own. Guess what, proteges don't get huge festivals. Maybe Aloe and Lotus will throw you a private one in the steam room but that is the most you're going to get because everypony else down there hates you.

Now don't go bitching about Pinkie running those bugs out of town, she did the right thing. I'll let you in on a little secret, I was going to take Pinkie with me to get rid of that infestation but I decided that you weren't worthy of me depriving you of her presence so I let her stay.

Now let me know if you get PETA girl in bed, she looks like she would be pretty fun. The shy and quiet ones always are the best after all.

Your Sex Deprived Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Winter Wrap Up

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again I have come to the conclusion that you are a grade A troll. Seriously, you expect me to take part in this ridiculous event known as Winter Wrap Up? Seriously, we never had to do crap like this up in Canterlot because you'd just flare up your horn and clear away all the damn snow but in this dump, they actually have to do everything without magic. Not only is that a waste of time and energy, it is horribly annoying.

What is even worse is that these idiots look forward to doing this! Yes they will be bringing in spring but still, I'd think they'd rather you double their taxes if it meant they could do away with this horrid event and not have to go through so much mindless, menial labor.

Well after an epic musical number, I finally learned some of the hideous shit they do for this. Get this, Rarity was making birds nests! Yep, apparently either the birds down here are incredibly stupid, horribly lazy or a combination of both. This would be what I would do. I would say "screw it" and if they were too stupid to make their own nests, too bad. They can go live in the forest for all I care, its not like they serve any real purpose to start with.

Now let's not forget PETA girl, there she was waking up animals. Seriously, these ponies think that animals need to be woken up from hibernation. This is my idea, if they starve to death during an extended coma, who cares? If they can't wake up on their own then maybe they aren't fit to be alive to start with. Now I tried getting Fluttershy to bail on that mindless task and come get initiated and actually be a friend, but she turned me down! Can you believe that, she turned down some fun with a hot unicorn so she could continue to wake up useless animals.

Regarding waking up those stupid animals, because of some stupid snakes I wound up waking up bats, getting stung by bees and getting sprayed by skunks. With the skunks however came a tomato juice bath. I look back and wonder why the hell I left the library again that day. It would have made my life much easier and I could have got a laugh out of watching them fuck up time after time trying to get this done.

Now Pinkie was equally as moronic as she was scoring the lakes so the ice would melt along the lines. I should have just had Spike melt the ice with his breath but I figured I'd let the moron continue with that idiotic task, at least it kept her away from me after I left. Let's not even get started with Applejack, I tried helping her clear away the snow from her fields and she got mad at me! Yes I caused an avalanche but so what? It was the thought that counted, right?

Finally I decided "screw this shit" and proceeded to watch them bicker back and forth over who was going to do what and I am honestly surprised they have ever got winter cleared away to start with. Finally though I got sick of watching their idiocy so I offered my organizing skills to them and they actually got it done! Now what pissed me off is that they did not pay me for providing my superior intellectual skills. Next time this cursed event comes around, I'm skipping town and going someplace where they don't have to do shit like this.

Now could you please cast some sort of spell to where this absurd and time consuming event is no longer needed in Equestria? It would make our lives so much easier.

Your Annoyed Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Annoyed Student,

I suppose I should have warned you about this when I sent you down there but it skipped my mind because my mind was elsewhere. Anyway, I'm glad to see that you are degrading yourself by engaging in such pathetic activities. Maybe you will ultimately become more down to earth and finally fit in down in that shit hole.

It doesn't surprise me that they look forward to doing things like that because remember, unlike us Canterlot ponies, they are unrefined and aren't used to the finer things in life. For generations they have dealt with things like this so they know that to get back to the good seasons, they have to engage in hard labor to end winter.

Regarding the things they have to do, it really sucks to be them. Now when it comes to issues like the birds nests and animal waking, I actually agree with you, especially on the comatose critters. Just let them starve and life would be so much easier. Now PETA girl must not find you all that attractive if she turned down being initiated into your friendship circle just so she could continue to wake up animals.

Now I find the fact that they argue over things involving that ridiculous even rather funny and I do wonder how it is that they are able to change seasons and how they have managed to not die off yet. I would like to thank you for getting them organized though but I can understand your irritation over not being paid for that. Oh well, just go to the spa and everything will be just fine.

Oh and just so you know, I would cast a spell to make things like this unnecessary but Luna and I cast an irreversible spell when we took over to make ponies take care of anything so quit your bitching, alright?

Secretly not caring about your problems,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I saw the incident with the snakes. There you were bitching about the cows stampeding away from non-venomous snakes and now I got to see a one pony stampede because of a few non-venomous snakes. At least the cows didn't do anything stupid like you did nor did they get stung by bees or have to bathe in tomato juice. I guess those cows aren't so stupid after all, are they?

Call of the Cutie

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am learning so much about the simple and antiquated ways of life since you sent me to this Faust-Forsaken dump. Get this, one of the fillies down here wound up earning her cutie mark and they are going to throw her a party! Now that is ridiculous, completely ridiculous! They'll throw a mindless party for that but not for when I scored with the spa twins? I would think that me getting pleasure would be far more celebration worthy.

Remember that filly that ran away from home to see Zecora, well she is suddenly throwing a fit over her not having got her mark yet. My advice to her is "Big deal, get over it." She has no idea all the shit I've had to put up with since I came down here and there she is whining over a mark not being on her ass.

I'm going to admit, I think it is kind of funny that a filly would whine over something so menial, it's not like her family had the farm repossessed and they were going to have to live in the forest or anything. Perhaps they should just have her come live with me for a while and then I could make her life a living hell. That would definitely cause her concerns of being a bare ass a thing of the distant past!

Now for what is pathetic, the filly I hoped Zecora would cook has asked my narcissistic acquaintance for help in getting a cutie mark. I don't think that little ditz knows what getting a cutie mark is all about. Oh well, at least she didn't come begging me to assist her in performing moronic tasks in a hope to get a mark.

Now I initially had no plans on attending this pathetic event but when I found out there would be cupcakes, I figured I may as well go. Get this though, Pinkie had her make the cupcakes and she burned them so my trip to the sweets' shop was a complete waste of time and soon turned into a dramatic filly wanting my help.

So much for her not asking me for help, the dumb ass asked me to give her a mark. Of course this would not work but I did it anyway just to shut her up. I'm going to admit something though, I probably could have put a bit more effort into it but I secretly enjoyed seeing her whine and bitch about it.

One bit of good news, the dumb party went alright and the blank flank found a couple of blank flank friends but you may want to be careful. What should have been soup and her two new friends may be plotting a coup to overthrow you. What a shame I didn't have a bare ass, I could join their little blank ass group, overthrow you and your sister and crown myself queen.

Seriously though, this town needs fewer parties and more productivity.

Your Not So Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Not So Faithful Student,

Before I bring anything else up, let me make myself clear. If you and those fillies even think about deposing me, it won't be Apple Bloom soup I will desire, it will be Twily steak that will be on my menu.

Yes, yes, yes, here you go again with the bitching. Has it not sunk into your head yet that backwater towns will celebrate just about anything? I know a pony getting a cutie mark is a non-event here but in small towns it is a big deal, stupid but big. There is a simple solution for you to avoid being bothered by things like this, hole yourself up in the library and start reading your books for the hundredth time.

I am actually surprised that you would be surprised about Apple Bloom bitching about not having her mark. You constantly bitch and complain about the ponies down there being idiots so one of them behaving in an idiotic manner was is something you should expect.

I can't help but wonder if you didn't go to that party solely so you would have something to bitch to me about since you are obviously way too good, outside of your exploits with the spa twins, to write me anything that will provide me with a ray of hope that you'll get over yourself one of these days.

I've told you this before and I'm sure I'll have to tell you this again. Just get over yourself, realize you live in a town full of morons and quit bitching about it, it reflects very badly upon me.

Your Irritated Owner,

Princess Celestia

Suited For Success

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that Rarity is as big of an attention whore as you are. I decided to go over and see if she would fix a button on some shitty old dress for the Gala but she had a different plan. Not only is she going to make me a new dress, she is going to do the same for my other acquaintances and then have us all take part in a fashion show.

Is this a thing that is common with ponies with white coats? With the exception of Twinkleshine, it seems like every pony with a white coat I have ever known are attention whores. Oh well, I supposed that I would let her make me a new dress even though I truly wanted to go up there as I am, find Twinkleshine, seduce her and give her one hell of a bootie-call.

I know Rarity is supposed to be the Element of Generosity but not only did I think she went a little too far this time, but my acquaintances did as well. The five of us knew that she was likely going to make fabulous looking dresses but I gathered those four together and we actually had more than a simple conversation. I know you're probably surprised but I had a reason.

Rarity had been being kind of a bitch lately and none of us had any desire to take part in a fashion show so we made a plan, we decided to be trolls. We made a plan that no matter how much we liked the dresses she made for us, that we would simply say they were nice or acceptable because we know how she is, we knew she would then demand that she let us tell her exactly how we wanted it, and what we would instruct her to make would be completely hideous.

As it turns out, we were right. The dresses she made were beyond spectacular but like what we agreed on, we simply said they were nice. After that, she decided to let us dictate what they would look like and just like we planned, we instructed her to make us the most hideous dresses possible for this fashion show and good grief, those things looked so bad her cat was hissing at them!

Now would come something even funnier, Spike found that fashion snob up there in Canterlot, told him about the show and suddenly he had decided to come to this cursed event. This was going to be sweet, not only would we cause Rarity to look like an idiot in front of the whole town but one of the top fashion experts in the land! Now I know Spike probably thought this would be his chance to score with Rarity but chances are the upcoming disaster would sink his chances down to absolute zero.

The fashion show went as planned, it was a disaster and now Rarity is a laughing stock. We wound up getting together and had a good laugh before realizing that she may run away and die in one way or another so we thought of a way to fix things. Now if it would have just been me, I would have let her run off and fall prey to timberwolves or whatever so you'd replace her with Twinkleshine but they still wanted her around. Oh well, I guess I can't win them all.

As it turns out, PETA girl is a decent sewer herself so we decided to finish her dress and she did wind up loving it and we did finally admit that we trolled her over those original dresses. Here we thought she would be happy but she was still pissed over us ruining her fashion career. What surprised me is that I'm the only one that didn't give a shit, the others were genuinely concerned so I reluctantly agreed to a second fashion show with Hoity Toity present and he was impressed with them.

Unfortunately she is back to her arrogant, attention whore self but I'm pretty sure some disaster will happen again before too long where we can troll her again, maybe at the Gala. Now that would make that shitty event worth attending!

Your Trolling Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To my Trolling Student,

Awww....my little filly is growing up! I never once imagined that an uptight bitch like you would let your mane down and have a bit of fun at another pony's expense. Now for one thing, please keep things like this up. Who knows, if you continue this, maybe those acquaintances of yours will actually become true friends and not just forced ones.

I must say, I am impressed by the plan the five of you came up with, it was a stroke of genius. I saw both dresses from afar and those ones that you trolled her with were hideous! Had you actually tried to come up to Canterlot in those things I would have had to turn you away at the city's gates. Those things were such a crime against fashion that even I wouldn't want them here and you know I don't give a shit about fashion.

Now the fact that you wanted Rarity to run away and die in one way or another really frustrates me. I did not raise you to go wishing death upon ponies, well ones deserving of life anyway and she isn't worthy of death, well yet anyway. Give her time and once Spike no longer finds her attractive, then we'll plot on how we'll kill her, alright?

Another thing I didn't expect out of you was that you aided in making that fancy dress for her so I guess even you aren't that big of a bitch so I guess you still haven't learned everything I taught you yet. Oh and about trolling Rarity at the Gala, let's meet up sometime and we can make plans. I think I have the perfect plan to really ruin her night.

Your Proud Adoptive Mother, I mean Teacher,

Princess Celestia

Feeling Pinkie Keen

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, I have something I must tell you. I have decided that Pinkie must have issues much more serious than ADHD and so I could properly diagnose her, I decided to see what all her hiding and twitchy tail shit was about. Get this, she claims that was her way of telling that something was going to fall. Here is the thing, she was looking up and then something just happened to fall.

I can't believe that she is trying to troll me like this, causing me to buy into something that stupid. What is worse, PETA girl has decided to haul frogs out to some nearby swamp because there are too many of them around here. I have a request, could you please either exterminate the frogs down here or at least put them on the pill so our animal loving idiot will have better things to do with her time, such as let me initiate her as a real friend?

Pinkie thinks she is some sort of fortune teller and her tail twitches again and I just happen to fall into a ditch. Her predict the future my lavender flank, I just happened to walk in the direction of that ditch and her tail twitched. Now for what is worse, Applejack believes in her alleged ability to predict the future. I personally think she simply has things set up ahead of time so she'll always be right.

Soon I find out she has all sorts of other "special abilities" that she can predict the future with and we all know that it is a crock of shit. The alligator in the tub, she already knew that damn thing was there. Her and Spike conspired to slam me into the wall with a door after I showed her my underground torture chamber where I plan on dragging Fluttershy against her will and making her a friend eventually.

Now in my attempt to spy on Pinkie like she is some sort of wild animal, which isn't too far from the truth, I wind up getting stung by bees, having shit fall on me like I'm in Loony Tunes and falling into Applejack's new apple cellar. She can claim all that crap she wants but I'm sure they were in on this together and even Derpy managed to troll me with everything falling on me, Derpy for Faust's sake!

At that point I was feeling rather pathetic and then little miss ADHD started getting the shivers when it was eighty degrees, eighty degrees! Now whatever was going on she said it was going to be a doozy out at Froggy Bottom Bog. Of course that is where PETA girl was taking those stupid frogs. I honestly thought that maybe the doozy was that she slaughtered a bunch of useless frogs and was going to prepare frog legs for everypony.

Unfortunately I was wrong but what I'd like to know is how the hell a fucking hydra managed to be out there. A hydra in that shallow of a swamp? My acquaintances pretended to be scared and run away but I soon realized what the hell happened. They trolled me but they had to have had help. There is no way they could have got that hydra out there so I have come to the conclusion that you assisted them.

You want to know something Tia? I could have died out there just so you and my inferiors could get a laugh! Now I know you are all bitches who don't care about my welfare. I'm thinking I may expose you and your trolling ways to the newspaper down here in Ponyville. Just wait until they read an article about how you put a hydra in the bog so you and my acquaintances could share a few laughs. Perhaps if I'm lucky they'll demand you abdicate and have your sister take over in your stead.

You really need to rethink your priorities in life. If you're going to try and kill anypony with your trolling, target the fashionista or that idiot who wants to screw the Wonderbolts.

Your Angry Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Angry Student,

Oh yes, Pinkie Sense. I have heard rumors about it and always wondered whether or not it was true. I'm going to let you in on something, you got trolled, bad! I am in a state of shock that my most intelligent, most talented student would fall prey to the antics of a pony that may have ADHD.

I would have thought that after the first couple incidents you would have been able to tell that none of that was legitimate but I do have some advice, watch where you're going so you don't fall into cellars. Applejack could have done who knows what to you down there. I will admit though, with as big of a bitch as you are most of the time, whatever she would have done to you, you would have deserved it.

Now regarding that hydra, I will admit that I talked with these acquaintances of yours and we all thought it would be hilarious to have one go after you but there is one thing I want to know. You are supposed to be so good with magic yet you run like a little chickenshit from that thing. You have strong magic, why didn't you just teleport out of that situation? Were you really in such a state of panic that you couldn't think straight enough to do what any unicorn with sufficient power would do?

All I am going to say here is that you have let me down big time. Here I thought you were an intelligent pony but you act as though you have no more power than those hicks you call acquaintances do. Perhaps I should have sent Moondancer down there instead, she would have been able to tell she was being trolled the second the frog hit her face.

Your Disappointed Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You go right ahead and report what I did with the hydra to the newspaper down there. That thing doesn't circulate outside of Ponyville and out of the ponies that do have access to it, I'm sure very few know how to read it so I think I'm pretty safe.

Sonic Rainboom

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know I always bitch about white-coated ponies being attention whores but they aren't the only ones. My most narcissistic acquaintance has decided to compete in the best young flyers competition. Part of her routine is performing a sonic rainboom and the little bitch actually thinks she can do it. Good grief, I don't know what it is with some ponies but when it comes to her, this really shouldn't surprise me.

Now for what pisses me off, in her failed attempt to do the impossible, she crashes into MY library and knocks books all over the place, right after a couple of my inferiors just assisted me in reshelving everything. What a little bitch, thinking she can do something impossible and at the same time destroying all my hard work. What irks me more is that PETA girl was out there cheering her on when she could have been being initiated as a real friend. Oh well, I'll get her someday.

What I find ridiculous is that Pinkie, Applejack and Rarity wanted all of us to go up to Cloudsdale for this event. What a bunch of idiots, don't they know that only pegasus ponies can walk on clouds? I initially told them no but eventually I decided to cave in and make sure we could get in. The worst thing, I gave Rarity the most hideous set of wings ever and suddenly she is more in love with herself than she already is.

When we arrived in that hell hole I couldn't help but look around and shake my head in disgust. There are all those pegasi flying around and acting like they're hot shit and then some. Come on, they should know that unicorns are the master race, we're the ones with all the magic after all. Hey, I'm certain we could control the weather and tend the fields if we learned the right magic and before you and your sister had to crash the party, we were the ones that moved the sun and moon.

Now just when I thought this trip was going to be boring as hell, Rarity decided to compete in the young flyers competition, giving Rainbow some competition and making her scared. Seriously, the most narcissistic bitch I have ever known is suddenly afraid that a pony with flimsy, fake wings is going to beat her. I suppose it is the most arrogant, self-centered ponies that are the most vulnerable.

For the most part that competition was boring as hell until my two acquaintances went out for their performance. You know, when Rarity's wings evaporated and she was plunging to what should have been her death, I really hoped she'd go splat because we really need a new Element of Generosity, another white coated unicorn perhaps?

Sadly, Crash just had to ruin my hopes and save the day. What a little bitch, not only did she stop my dreams of having a more deserving unicorn in my presence and to make matters worse, the acquaintance I hate the most did her stupid rainboom and is more arrogant than ever. To make matters worse, you just had to give her the title of world's most idiotic flyer or whatever the hell it was, now didn't you?

Now for what pisses me off, Derpy did a far better job in that competition and despite her dropping stuff on me when I was spying on Pinkie, I still hoped she would have won. Let me guess, you were afraid Rainbow would kill herself if she didn't get to go screw her precious Wonderbolts? Too bad I didn't have wings because then a truly deserving pony would have won instead of that moron.

Your Irritated Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To my Irritated Student,

You honestly think I give a shit who takes part in that stupid flying competition? Simply having to go to that thing makes me cringe but it is part of my royal duties so I can't get out of it.

I want to know something though, why the hell do you care about Rainbow taking part in that competition? The way you act, I'd think that you were taking part in it and she would be a competitor that would mop the skies with you. I have some advice for you, calm down, go to the spa and everything will be fine.

As far as you giving Rarity those wings, I am not thrilled. You know that she is one of the most narcissistic ponies out there and then you give her another reason to idolize herself? I saw her staring at herself in that mirror and I'm honestly shocked that she didn't start hoofing herself for everypony to see.

Regarding that competition, Rarity did make it more exciting and I'll admit, I was hoping she'd go splat and I was hoping Rainbow would crash and go splat too but hey, we can't win them all now can we? Yes I know Rainbow stunk up the sky during most of her competition but want to know why I didn't give Derpy the win despite doing those ten consecutive barrel rolls? She failed her drug test so I figured I'd give your most narcissistic friend the win simply to spite you.

On a final note, I keep on noticing how you wish ill will on Rarity so you can get Twinkleshine down there in your hooves. Guess what, that ain't happening. All five of those acquaintances of yours could die and I wouldn't simply replace them with your old friends nor would I simply let you come home. I'd just find five other ponies you're completely incompatible with to curse upon you.

Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Back before my sister and I came along, it took roughly 50 unicorns to simply move the sun and moon so your type aren't so special after all. Remember this Twily, Alicorns are the master race. Just imagine if I didn't give a shit about being seen as a dictator, I could enslave all of you, ALL OF YOU!

Stare Master

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have learned that there are not one, not two but three idiots in my presence. First we have Rarity who has fallen behind on these outfits that she has to deliver to Trottingham by the following morning. What I would like to know is how in the hell is she going to get those things to somewhere that far away in so little time. Hell even I couldn't get them that far and I know how to teleport.

Now this is where idiot number two comes into play. You see, that secret society I warned you about has decided to hold a sleepover to try and earn their cutie marks. Ok, forget three, let's make that three and then I'll count those morons as number four. Well Sweetie Belle decided to make idiotic capes for her fellow cutie mark cult members and now Rarity has to make more fabric. The sleepover was cancelled until the ditz I want to initiate someday dropped by and decided to watch them for the night.

Seriously, the pony who is scared of her damn shadow honestly thinks she can handle those three little hellions? This will likely turn into a disaster, a complete disaster. Too bad I had to go to Zecora's to pick up some herbs to really spice up my next trip to the spa or I would have hung around and watched everything go straight to hell.

As it turns out, those girls did make Fluttershy's life a living hell and because of a loud, obnoxious lullaby by Sweetie Belle, one of Fluttershy's chickens got on the loose and then they somehow, without PETA girl noticing, those girls sneaked right by her to go retrieve the chicken.

Good grief those fillies are stupid, an arguing cutie mark? I have come to the conclusion that those little ditzes will likely never get their cutie marks and I honestly don't give a shit. As long as they don't come begging me to give them cutie marks again, I'll continue to laugh at their fruitless attempts at this.

Now for what I can't believe, Fluttershy went into the forest alone! I can't help but wonder, was she really going after those girls or was she coming looking for me because she decided she finally wanted to be my friend and not a mere acquaintance?

Now things had gone to hell when I got turned to stone but those girls that were so curious about the chicken-snake monster that Fluttershy told them about became little chickenshits when they actually saw it. I was secretly hoping that they would get turned to stone too but Fluttershy just had to save them.

Good news, she made it turn me back to normal. Bad news, she didn't kill it so we could have had a tasty chicken dinner in the forest. Worse news, she wouldn't let me initiate her right in front of the girls. What a shame too, those girls could have learned something more important than they ever could in school.

Oh and now idiot number four comes into play. Chris Savino, in his attempt to write a good episode, somehow forgot that Trottingham was more than two miles away because Rarity not only got the deliveries done in time but she was already back not that long after sunrise. What an idiot, he should know it would take DAYS to get to Trottingham and back.

One a final note though, I have a feeling that Rarity may have something going on with Fluttershy because the girls left on their own. I really hope so because they might let me join because it would be so much better with three.

Your Suddenly Needy Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Suddenly Needy Student,

I'm going to let you in on something right away. When it comes to ponies having to go to distant places in nothing flat, remember this is a cartoon so it is bound to happen and it is bound to happen often. Now that I've got that out of the way, I can handle the rest.

Listen, you know Rarity is an idiot and would put things off to the last minute and you should know that Fluttershy is the type who will take on way too much. What a shame she wouldn't add pleasing us to her agenda, that would make life so much better for everypony.

That cutie mark cult, you should know that they aren't going to think straight and would probably commit murder if they could get a cutie mark out of it. Why do you think I always keep an eye on them? I do because I know they would gladly kill me if they could get away with it in the name of getting those marks.

Oh, and I would advise you stay out of the forest at night, even if you are going to get something that would make your spa time more enjoyable. Those cockatrices aren't anything to mess with. It is a good thing Fluttershy came along and made it turn you back to normal or you would have wound up in the sculpture garden for the pigeons to shit all over.

I will let you know this, had you gave those fillies a sex ed course before they were ready, I would have taken the spa twins away from you using any means necessary! Even if I had to force them to relocate up here and then banished you from Canterlot, it would be an appropriate punishment for robbing those fillies' eyes of their virginity.

So you think it would be fun if two of your acquaintances had something going on and you could join them and make it three? If you knew what was good for you, I would advise you invite me and make it four, that would be even better!

Your Equally As Needy Overlord,

Princess Celestia

The Show Stoppers

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm thinking you better be on the lookout because Applejack has given the cutie mark cult a new place to make their plans in overthrowing you and your sister. To be honest, maybe I should hope they manage to succeed because overthrowing them would be easy then I could run this country. Let's be honest, I would do a far better job than you two ever could.

Now there is something I don't get, Apple Bloom did a spectacular job on fixing up that run down dump Applejack gave them yet she didn't get a cutie mark in carpentry. Either she is simply good at that but it isn't her destiny or you put a cutie mark blocking spell on her to troll her. Knowing you, it was probably the latter because my guess is you love watching those three make complete idiots out of themselves.

After getting their new little shed fixed up, those three proved to me that they must be just as dumb, if not dumber, than their sisters. They tried every idiotic activity they could think of to try and get a cutie mark and what pisses me off is that Spike let them in the library while I was at the spa and allowed them to tear the place apart. Now I am going to punish them for breaking into my home and you need to punish them for damaging government property because I did discover a hole in the wall.

Eventually the girls decided to quit breaking the law when the hot schoolteacher gave them an idea about performing in the school talent show. Now this ought to be interesting, I'm sure whatever they do will wind up in them making fools of themselves and helping this town realize how truly stupid they are.

One good thing was that while they were preparing for this event, they left me alone. The bad thing, I tried seducing Cheerilee but I think she was intimidated by my desire to initiate her when she went running out of my underground torture chamber. Don't worry though, I'll get her down there sometime and perhaps if you're lucky, I'll invite you after I break her in.

Regarding the talent show, it was rather boring until those three decided to try and sing a song about how desperate they are for their cutie marks. One thing is for certain, Scootaloo can forget about a future career as a rock star, she sounded hideous! Now how in the hell they managed to win an award is beyond me but I'll tell you one thing, had I been the judge for that thing, none of those idiot foals would have won anything. None of them did anything even remotely impressive.

I am honestly thinking of sending those girls up to you so you can maybe teach them what getting a cutie mark is really about since their relatives think it is soooo cute how they are constantly screwing things up and causing trouble.

Your Mildly Irritated Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Mildly Irritated Student,

For starters, let me make myself clear. If you even attempt to do anything to overthrow me, you won't have to worry about having to put up with those acquaintances anymore. If you do, the moon will have a new permanent resident and I'll find somepony else to curse upon those five.

Thanks for the warning regarding the cutie mark cult and I'm going to admit, you know me way too well. You see, the day those three created that secret society of theirs, I cast a spell from afar on not just Apple Bloom, but all three of them that will make it harder than hell for them to get their cutie marks. I may pretend to be concerned that they could overthrow me but I'm not worried. I simply like watching them behave like morons, they provide me with so many laughs and I know they'll tickle my funny bone for years to come.

You seriously think I'm going to punish them for going into the library though? Look, it is your fault they got in. While you were busy screwing the spa twins, those three bribed Spike with a gem and he let them in. Oh and regarding that hole in the wall, unless you can prove it was them, I'll just blame you and to spite you, I'll tell Twinkleshine about the spa twins and she'll never want a bootie-call with you again.

I honestly don't get why the hell you bothered going to that talent show to start with. Things like that are boring as hell and I'm certain that there were plenty of other things you could have done, such as finding a way to quit bitching about every little thing.

Your Supreme Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don't count on seducing Cheerilee. I've tried on many occasions but she shot me down because horned ponies scare her. Little bitch anyway, she should know that we have what it takes to make her orgasms all the more pleasurable.

A Dog and Pony Show

Dear Princess Celestia,

I swear, I have come to the conclusion that Spike will do just about anything to get Rarity in bed. Flirting hasn't worked so he has decided he will go out and help her find gems in the wastelands since some overrated pop-star needs fancy, hideous outfits for her next tour. Now for the big question, will he knock Rarity up or will I have to listen to him whine like a colt who learned his crush is a lesbian?

Like I said, he had to go out into the wastelands to help Rarity gather gems and did you know that there are diamond dogs that live out there? I suppose that this dump is even beneath their living standards, maybe I should move out there and get away from all the drama of this place.

For what was funny, Rarity wound up getting abducted by those creatures that are only bested by me and the spa twins and get this, Spike came running to my acquaintances and I crying about Rarity being pulled down a hole in the ground. The other four were extremely concerned but I figured that if one of them screwed her and knocked her up, maybe they'd get married and Spike's fragile heart would be crushed forever.

Just to placate these losers you cursed upon me I headed out to rescue the diva but damn they dug a lot of holes. Just as I said, "Screw this" and began to leave, Fluttershy promised me that I could initiate her if I stayed so I decided, "Sure, why not." After a couple failed attempts and Spike fantasizing about rescuing and screwing his crush, we finally got underground.

Ugh, what a horrid place. Granted it was better than Ponyville but still, it isn't nice like Canterlot! My former bootie-calls weren't there and the air was stale so strike this place off my list of future residences, well that and the current inhabitants proved themselves to be just as unworthy of life as most everypony else I have to put up with.

Here is why they are unworthy of life, they wound up kidnapping Rarity but once she drove them nuts with her hideous whining, not only did they let her go but they give us six mine carts of gems to take with us. If they had even an ounce of sense they would have kept the gems and put Rarity in a stew so you could send Twinkleshine down.

Oh well, I suppose everything turned out good for everypony except me. Rarity got those outfits made for Sapphire Shores and Spike didn't lose his crush. I do have some advice though, tax Rarity on those gems she harvested from Equestrian soil, I could use a much bigger library.

In Need of More Space,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Those Diamond Dogs are downright dreadful! Those ruffians kidnapped me, drug me down into a dirt pit and made me find them gems! Even worse, one of them smacked my flank and called me a mule! I think you really need to punish them for this, I am an Element bearer after all!"

Sincerely,

Rarity

To My Space Lacking Student,

I honestly think you need to keep Spike contained to that underground torture chamber of yours. You do know that unless Rarity had a permit, which I'm sure she didn't, to harvest those gems that she....I mean you....will have to pay me for illegally harvesting natural resources out of Equestrian soil.

I'm going to let you in on something, with the way you have been behaving I have come to the conclusion that those diamond dogs are more deserving of life than anypony except myself and Luna. Now as far as you relocating to the badlands, forget it. I seriously doubt the Diamond Dogs want to have to put up with you and your constant bitching. Hell I wouldn't curse you upon griffons or even the hydra in that frog infested swamp, that is how truly terrible you are to me.

I'll admit, those diamond dogs are pretty pathetic if they let Rarity leave with all those gems. I'll be sure to go out there with the vet and have them sterilized tomorrow. We certainly don't need such stupid creatures reproducing now do we? All I can say is thank Faust you're a lesbian because I really don't want you reproducing either.

On a final note, you CAN NOT have Twinkleshine, got it?

Wishing you'd shut up,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You can not have a new library, ok? You should be glad I didn't make you live in the forest or even worse, live with Rarity and her whining.

Dear Rarity,

Tell that to somepony who actually gives a shit, alright? Oh by the way, I'm taxing you for those gems. Please make a check payable to The Equestrian Revenue Service in the sum of 500,000 bits by next Friday or I will have to seize your boutique to make up for what you owe.

Not caring about your problems,

Princess Celestia

Green Isn't Your Color

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have quickly come to the conclusion that my acquaintances have the IQ of a rock. I mean seriously, there are Fluttershy and Rarity spending time in the spa while I am not getting the attention I deserve, nada, nill, nothing! I'm not quite sure what to think yet but I do know one thing, those two will pay for shutting me out like this.

Let's not forget Spike has suddenly become a pin cushion in his futile attempt to get Rarity in bed. That poor thing, there he thinks he actually has a chance with her when it reality I have a better chance of not only scoring with the spa twins but also conning you into actually letting me come home. Oh well, can't win them all I suppose.

Alright Rarity, I get it. Photo Finish has decided to show up and all of a sudden Fluttershy has to look perfect! Faust forbid she look like one of us normal, everyday ponies. Oh yes, she has to look perfect for the camera now doesn't she? She is suddenly going be a star! Give me a break, we all know there is only one pony in this world worthy of being a star and that is ME!

Just when I thought that I had got through this disaster and my day was finally done, Photo Finish decided that she has to do a photo shoot with PETA girl in the park. That little bitch, how dare she decide to take away what was rightfully mine and give it to her? I'll tell you one thing, I am thinking that perhaps the time has come to finally initiate Fluttershy whether she likes it or not. Sounds fun, right?

Oh waah, waah, waah, now Rarity is sewing a cloak and is planning on getting out of town? Sweet! Perhaps this will give me an excuse to get away from them, get away from all the drama and most importantly, do a whole lot of seducing! Hey, you know sometimes a mare has to do what a mare has to do, right?

Now for the truly fun part! In a desperate attempt to escape the spotlight Fluttershy employed me to cause her to screw up in the fashion show, but it did come with a cost! The cost: Her allowing me to initiate her into my circle of friends! I did my part and made her do all sorts of disgusting things and make noises ponies shouldn't be making which should have worked but oh no, all of a sudden the fashionista started cheering her on and yelling bravo.

Ugh, because of that, Fluttershy became more popular than ever but once her and Rarity finally spilled their guts about wanting to quit and their jealousy, everything is fine between them and PETA girl finally decided to call it quits. Now she can go back to taking care of her stupid animals and hopefully not creating any more infestations that Pinkie will have to get rid of.

Your Irritated Subordinate,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Fluttershy never paid me! Can you believe that she doesn't want to be friends? Well I'll force friendship on her one of these days whether she wants it or not.

To My Irritated Subordinate,

So everything that has been going on has been causing you problems lately? Look Twilight, the shit you go through is nothing compared to what I have to go through. Do you seriously expect me to feel sorry for you when all you are doing is bitching about anything and everything? The hell with that Twily, I have other plans and trust me, having fun with you is not on the agenda!

Now please, could you just let somepony else handle all your drama? It would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You must be truly terrible if even Fluttershy won't accept you as a friend. Oh well, give it time, maybe someday when she goes into heat you can become friends with her.

Over a Barrel

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am always amazed and shocked by the stupidity I have encountered ever since you ran me out of town. Get this, not only has one of my idiotic acquaintances decided to give a tree to her relatives, but we have to transport the damn thing to them on a passenger train, a passenger train for Faust's sake! If that is not stupidity at its worst, then I don't know what is.

To make matters worse, Applejack in her less than infinite wisdom, decided to get that tree its own private sleeper car. Now I want to know something, how can Applejack, when Granny Smith needs her hip replaced, afford a private car for that dumb tree? She can claim to love her family all she wants but I call bullshit on that. If she truly was all about family, she would have put Granny and her hip ahead of delivering a tree to someplace I've never heard of.

Oh and the trip out to her relatives' place was just dandy! I learned that Spike has a sexual attraction to trees and apparently the buffalo must find them attractive too since they stole the car that it was in, or maybe it is Spike they have a thing for and to top it all off, two of my most idiotic acquaintances have gone missing. Maybe they will turn up dead and you can replace them, preferably with Twinkleshine and Minuette.

Now I haven't been to a whole lot of sub-par places in my life but this town Applejack drug us off to makes Ponyville look like a grandiose version of Canterlot. I mean seriously, you are actually allowing a community with absolutely no running water, no electricity and sub-standard structures to exist? Are you really so ignorant as to allow such a place to exist?

Not only is the town terrible, but I have a feeling that the inhabitants must have to be kept doped up on Valium all the time to simply tolerate it there because Applejack's cousin seems to have a few screws loose. I know sometimes it is good to be positive but this idiot's positivity can not be natural. Nopony is actually that positive and delusional in real life. After seeing him, I was thinking I should have just skipped town and headed home, even if it meant walking through the desert.

About this town, from what I understand the locals recently built the place in just the past year. Ok, I have come to the conclusions that these ponies are idiots because who in their right mind would build a town in the middle of the desert? They have no access to water nor do they have away to generate power. I'd advise you condemn this place and throw them all into Tartarus for such stupidity.

Want to know what else is stupid, these ponies just went out and built this dump on buffalo land and of course the buffalo are pissed. I know I normally would say equines are the superior species and should have it all but not here. I secretly hope the buffalo will stampede through here and wipe this eyesore off the map, which is what they threatened to do.

Now I truly know these ponies are morons because they think hitting them in the face with apple pie will stop them! Ooooh, oh my goodness, pies are gonna kill buffalo....NOT.

Once the buffalo did their stampede, it looked like their pies were doing the job until one hit their chief and once he ate it, he was fine. Once it was discovered the buffalo like apple pie, the ponies in this dump cleared a way through their orchard and now there is peace between the two.

Oh and on a final note, don't ever hire Pinkie to sing, ever. She nearly caused the town out here to be flattened.

Wanting you to destroy this place,

Twilight Sparkle

To my "I hate everything" student,

So they don't have any electricity or running water out there? Damn it really sucks to be them, almost as much as it sucks to be you....key word though, almost!

I'm going to be honest, I don't know why the hell you went on that trip to start with. I think when you found out you would be going to a place that makes Ponyville look like snob hill you just had to go so you could bitch and complain in a letter to me. Here you are always thinking I'm trolling you when it is the opposite, I simply have fun and you troll me by going on trips like this giving me a slight bit of hope that you'll make friends but then all you do is complain.

I have some advice, to get you in a better mood, go to the spa as soon as you get home. My guess is a bit of action with a couple hot twins will turn that frown upside down. For now though, leave me alone, I have some cake to eat.

Your Cake Craving Overlord,

Princess Celestia

A Bird in the Hoof

Dear Princess Celestia,

For the love of Faust, this town is throwing you yet another party? Good grief, wasn't the Sunbutt Festival or whatever the hell it was called and the one that PETA girl's bugs cancelled enough? I get it, you are an attention whore and would go completely nuts if you didn't have everypony idolizing you.

Now I have more proof that you are a grade A troll. You decide to bring your bird who is in the last phase of its life cycle to a party that you know a crazy animal lover will be attending. Didn't you realize that that would be destined to wind up being a complete disaster?

Now I will admit, I'm glad the party turned out well and had cupcakes, which we both love. I know my acquaintances behaved in a less than stellar manner but I honestly don't care. I found it rather funny that Pinkie ate your cupcake, Rarity behaved like a total bitch, Applejack was overly paranoid and the biggest "I told you so" moment, PETA girl stealing your bird.

Here I thought that everything would be fine but then I discovered Philomena was missing and I knew who did it so I had to go and confront her over it. Of course my primary goal though was not to get her to bring your bird back, it was to initiate her into my friendship circle in her cottage. Hey, I thought rocking her world so her animals could hear her squealing would be fun but then she just had to ruin my fun by putting that damn thing ahead of friendship.

Now I don't appreciate your royal guards following me around when I'm simply trying to make friends but after they let me know about your missing bird, we knew we had to take her back. One thing I will admit, that bird of yours is as big of a troll as you are. She constantly kept us on the run trying to catch it before the damn thing incinerated itself and caused Fluttershy to break down crying. Now I would have tried to comfort her but I didn't want the whole town watching my way of comforting her.

You know, you could have saved this town a whole lot of trouble forcing them to throw me a party instead. Hey, I don't demand high profile events, I don't need royal guards making the town feel uptight and I don't take dying animals with me on the road either.

Now it is a crying shame that you didn't do anything to punish Fluttershy for birdnapping that phoenix of yours. I think if you would have banished her to my underground torture chamber, we all would have been happy. You would have taught Fluttershy not to be a thief, Fluttershy would have had the experience of a lifetime and I would have made a new friend.

Just you wait, I'll get my revenge for this. One thing is certain, the Gala is going to be quite entertaining!

Plotting My Revenge,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Bitchy Student,

Ugh, here you go again bitching about how everypony loves me so much. Look, I am Equestria's primary princess and ponies do adore me and throw celebrations for me. You on the other hoof, are nothing more than a disrespectful bitch in their eyes and if you weren't my subordinate, they'd probably have run you out of town ages ago.

I must say that I am not thrilled with your acquaintances' behavior. Applejack's fear of eating anything in front of me was unwarranted and uncouth. Rarity's behavior was to be expected, that of an annoying diva who should have left the dress at home. I'm honestly considering banishing Pinkie to the moon over her eating MY cupcake. Rainbow bugging my guards, I don't care about that but Fluttershy stealing my pet, I do plan on punishing her in one way or another, the moon for a week perhaps?

I know about some of the shit you did to my Philomena and you better be glad that pill didn't kill her or YOU and Fluttershy would have found yourselves in Tartarus for murdering the royal pet. Now that I think about it, a lot of your bitching may be warranted but still, listening to you bitch all the time does get old.

I am going to say one thing though, I'm thinking that perhaps Ponyville ain't that bad. Most of the ponies are semi-friendly, they did bow down before me but the Cake Family? I'm honestly thinking of offering them a chance to become my personal bakers and be set for life, they truly deserve it.

Now what to do about Fluttershy. I have decided to banish her not from Equestria, but to that underground chamber of yours. With any luck, you'll be friends by the time I get your next letter and maybe you'll have something positive to report for a change. Now if you do manage to make her your friend, be sure to include the details, particularly the juiciest and kinkiest ones. Don't let me down Twily, this should be a slam dunk for you and if you fail, I'll realize that you are much worse than I thought.

Hoping You'll Make a Friend,

Princess Celestia

The Cutie Mark Chronicles

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that the cutie mark cult is infested with idiots. Here they are trying to get their cutie marks in zip-lining. Seriously, zip-lining? You know, the more shit like this they pull, the more I hope they never get their cutie marks. Yes they would continue to bitch and whine about it but at least they do make for a good comedy act, Scootaloo's caterwauling was proof of that.

After they failed again, guess what those three have chose to do, ask my lowly acquaintances and myself about how we got our cutie marks. Sweet, because that means that I get to brag on myself and tell them how much better I am than everypony else. Everypony else's mark stories, well those will leave much to be desired and I'm sure those girls will find them lame.

After hearing a bunch of lame cutie mark stories, they finally approached me about mine and naturally I told them about how it was for my entrance exam and how, despite having bitchy judges frowning at me, that I was able to hatch Spike and turn my parents into plants. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom seemed kind of interested but Scootaloo was simply being a little bitch about it because my superior story is something that would be impossible for them.

One thing is for sure, those girls are undeserving of ever getting their cutie marks. If they can't just realize that it is a matter of self-discovery and they'll come when it is time, I hope they die blank flanks. Barring either some horrible disaster or me rising to Goddess-hood, I won't get to see them die and that is frustrating.

After Crash goes and tells the girls her lame ass story, they are all claiming we owe our marks to her. Me owe my mark to her, what a crock of shit. I didn't need Crash to fart a rainbow for me to get my mark. Unlike my lesser acquaintances, I got it on my own. Unfortunately now, the cutie mark cult sees that rainbow maned bitch as being better than ever. Could you please cause her to die in a freak accident or something, it would make my life so much easier.

Your Cutie Mark Cult Hating Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celesta,

Could you please tell Miss Bitchy Pants that if it weren't for me, she wouldn't have got that star on her ass? She needs to realize that she's nothing special because I'M the one who's special!

Sincerely,

Rainbow "The Best Flyer There Ever Was" Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

How did you get your cutie mark?

Curious,

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo

To My Cutie Mark Cult Hating Student,

I agree with you on those idiotic fillies, until they realize what getting a cutie mark is all about they will remain bare asses. Regarding you saying that you won't get to see them die blank flanks unless you are elevated to Goddess-hood, you've got to be kidding me right? You honestly think that you have what it takes to be a goddess? Don't make me laugh, you have never even made a real friend yet.

Yes I can imagine how boring those other cutie mark stories must have been, anything that doesn't affect me directly would bore the hell out of me too. Now don't go getting too full of yourself. Yes I know your cutie mark story was better and you thought those girls needed to know how much better you are than them but seriously, with the exception of the spa twins, everypony down there hates you. Let's not try and make them hate you even more, alright?

Now I can definitely understand your frustration over that arrogant weather pony thinking she was responsible for everypony getting their marks. Yes she farted a rainbow when she was a filly but that had nothing to do with anypony getting their marks. I would advise you tell her it was a coincidence, nothing else.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rainbow Crash,

Have you ever heard of these things called coincidences? You are not responsible for everypony getting their marks, ok? That is one thing I truly despise about you, your arrogance. If it wouldn't improve both your lives dramatically, I'd replace you with one of her old bootie-calls, I mean friends. Seriously though, get over yourself. You're not the special one, I AM and don't you forget it.

Hating Your Guts,

Princess Celestia

Dear Cutie Mark Cult,

Unlike you lowly little things, us natural born Alicorns, THE MASTER RACE, we are born with them.

Your Superior Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Damn it sucks to be you, still being blank flanks!

Owl's Well that Ends Well

Dear Princess Celestia,

First off, I want you to thank your sister for creating the lovely meteor shower for us. That right there is proof that she is better than you because you never create stuff like that. Before she got back, we never had anything pretty like that. All we ever got was early sunrises that pissed everypony off.

Naturally since things like this don't happen all that often, Spike and I decided to round up some treats and head up to this hilltop to watch the show with our acquaintances. Now you see, I am caring! If I was as much of a bitch as you claim I am, I would have said, "screw them, they don't need to eat."

This meteor shower taught me two things. First, your sister truly is a gem. Her creations are so much more beautiful than yours and she was locked away in the moon for a thousand years! I am so glad to see that she doesn't hold any ill-will towards us, I do hope one day though that she will be ready to come out and socialize again.

The other thing I learned? I learned that Spike is either lazy as hell or that baby dragons need twelve hours of sleep a day to function. I personally hope it is the former rather than the latter because at least you can punish laziness, there is nothing you can do for the latter.

Later that night I learned that owls are very useful when one retrieved a scroll I nearly lost and that gave me an idea. Why only have one slave when I can have two of them? A diurnal slave and a nocturnal slave, this is going to be good because now I can get a whole lot more work done and not have to cut back on my spa time. It is a win-win situation, right?

Now I had never thought that Spike would be the paranoid or jealous type but once he found out I had a junior assistant, his paranoia went into overdrive and once Rarity gave him some attention, I think he wasn't so worried that I would replace him but it was more of a matter that his crush was going to wind up choosing an owl over him. Personally I wouldn't blame her, at least my new junior assistant, Owlicious, isn't going to try to score with her. Yeah he won't enslave himself to her but hey, I wouldn't want a dragon wanting to screw me either.

As you know, I have been taking mid-day spa breaks here lately but I would not be thrilled when I got home. Not only did I find a toy mouse soaked in ketchup on the floor but Spike was tearing my pillow up and blamed Owlicious for it. Does that little bastard not know how much that pillow cost? It was one of the really good ones that I spent fifteen bits on, twice as much as that pet bed of his. What a little bastard. Perhaps I should see if I could trade him in for a white unicorn with a pink mane and tail. I'm sure she wouldn't get jealous, not to mention I could unwind with her every night.

I left for a while again and once I got home, I discovered that Spike had run away. Shit, I thought I had lost my diurnal slave because he was a jealous little bastard. Now I figured I could come up there and see if you had a replacement baby dragon you could give me but obviously Owlicious is way too nice! He wanted us to go looking for him and obviously we found him and he finally realized that he needed to come home after nearly falling prey to a huge dragon.

Now just so you know, I tried to get him to write you a letter admitting his idiocy and jealousy but he fell asleep before he could finish it. I still think you should let me trade him in for an assistant that can go for more than 12 hours without a nap.

Owner of Two Slaves,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Slave Owning Student,

First off, I am not very happy that you are praising my sister like that. I'm going to let you in on something, the reason she made that meteor shower is that she is way too nice. Unlike me, she actually wants to impress the serfs of this country. There is a reason why you never saw anything like that while she was on the moon though, I didn't know how to do such frivolous stuff. A night sky is just a boring night sky. It is dark, has stars and had a moon with Luna's mug shot engraved in it. You know, I miss having a moon with a personality like that. Perhaps someday a bitchy lavender unicorn will frown down upon us from up there.

I get it, you needed a second slave so you could continue to try and impress me with your academic pursuits and not have to give up spa time. Look Twily, I sent you down there to study friendship, not write useless reports about comets and other shit that I don't care about in the slightest. So far though, you are failing miserably on what I sent you down there for and I am not happy.

Regarding the owl, I think you were an insensitive bitch by bringing him in. You could have introduced the two and let Spike know that he was not going to be replaced, that he would still have a job. Rarity didn't do any better, she could have at least told Spike that she wasn't interested in either one of them so Spike wouldn't throw a temper tantrum.

What irks me the most though is that you are now boasting that since you have two slaves you'll have more spa time? Not if I have anything to do with it you won't. I'll come down there, make up some health code violation about that spa, shut it down and make those hot little twins come up here and operate a private spa for ME!

Oh and had Spike fallen victim to that huge dragon, you would have been punished severely. I would have forced you to move in with Rarity and be her fashion model. I do not take kindly to ponies who use others, especially you. I suppose I better quit writing before I make a decision I may later regret.

Your Spa Seeking Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Spike is not a stage coach, you can not trade him in, especially for one of my favorite students, one that is much hotter and nicer than you. Had you tried trading him in, the best you would have got was some ugly, snobby bitch like Upper Crust or some other undesirable I hope to purge from Canterlot one day.

Party of One

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that Pinkie's ADHD is worse than I thought. Get this, just as I was reading a book about how to really get Aloe and Lotus to try something extra freaky, she knocked on my door and did a singing telegram inviting me to her idiot alligator's birthday party. My very first thought was, "Seriously, you're making a big deal out of a birthday party for a brain dead alligator?"

After some careful thought and discovering there would be cake, I decided I would go. I am going to blame you for my love of cake but hey, at least I don't gorge myself on it everyday like you do. Regarding the party, it was full of lame party antics such as dancing, lame games and horrid music. I suppose it is my own fault for having to put up with that crap when I could have gone to the spa instead and had some fun.

To make matters worse, that idiot woke me up early the next morning to invite me to an "after-birthday" party for Gummy. Who in their right mind throws "after-birthday" parties? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised given that Pinkie is the least intelligent and most irrational of my acquaintances. Now this time I was prepared, I brought all my books out and said I had fallen behind on my studies.

Now of course that was a lie as it was actually her birthday. Can you believe it? That idiot actually forgot her own birthday because of her obsession over her dumb alligator. Also believe it or not but my acquaintances and I were throwing her party together at Sweet Apple Acres.

Now I didn't see it all happen but when Crash finally drug her over, she looked like she could literally kill somepony but hey, at least her mane and tail were styled much, much better. That cotton candy mane and tail is just so damn immature and ugly. We all know that my style is the best, right?

Finally we threw the party and while I may have looked happy, I wasn't. I sacrificed spa time again! Now I know I'm going to owe Aloe and Lotus a huge apology and likely have to allow them to dominate me and be rough but still, it will be worth it in the end. They are my only friends in this dump and I certainly don't want to lose them.

Frustrated that I Attended Stupid Parties,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

My friends are total bitches for lying about not being able to attend Gummy's after-birthday party. I may look all cheerful again but I really feel like spilling some blood, theirs in particular.

Suddenly Bloodthirsty,

Pinkamena Diane Pie

To My Frustrated Student,

Now why the hell would you attend stupid parties when you could have went to the spa instead? Now yeah, I would choose an activity with cake first but with you, I thought you'd rather eat Aloe and Lotus than cake. Perhaps I rubbed off too much on you and I am not happy about that. You aren't worthy of being like me, anything like me.

Good job making up a decent lie to prepare for Pinkie's party but I must say, you didn't cover your tracks very well. I was spying and she knew what all of you were up to. Now yeah, she is admittedly a moron but not a completely clueless one. Thankfully she saw all of you though, seeing her go all batty was rather entertaining. I do agree though, that cotton candy mane and tail is rather ugly. It is no wonder you don't want to initiate her as a friend, I wouldn't want to either.

Now remember Twilight, we need to meet up and discuss a way to troll those acquaintances of yours at the Gala. I normally don't like even associating with him, but I'm thinking we should include my nephew in this. I will tell you later when we all meet up.

Ready to Troll,

Princess Celestia

To my suddenly bloodthirsty serf,

I know you're thirsting for blood but if you just have to murder somepony, please kill Twilight and only Twilight. I am sick and tired of her constant bitching and I secretly know that the five of you really don't care for her either. Don't worry about disposing of the body or anything, I'll pardon you once you are arrested.

Your Fellow Twilight Hater,

Princess Celestia

The Best Night Ever

Dear Princess Celestia,

I must say, my acquaintances seemed to be way too excited to go to this cursed event. There they were getting all dolled up while I was tolerating their presence. I swear, some ponies will get excited over the lamest of things. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though given that this will be the first time they ever steped hoof in Canterlot and basked in its superiority.

Now I'm sure you were wondering why I was choosing such an odd method of transport but I decided that for them to be having such a unique experience, that I would show off my superior magic. What a shame Opal thought those horse mice would wind up making a tasty treat though, they would have been so much more interesting to bring into town than those hacks Rarity wanted to whore herself out to.

Now for the Gala itself, I must say that I was not thrilled that we barely got to talk! Why did we have to stand there and greet everypony as they arrived? For Faust's sake, it seemed like the same ponies kept on going through the line over and over! Look, ever since you ran me out of town I have loathed you but for just one night, I thought maybe we could be close like we were when I was a filly but thanks to those mindless snobs, we were unable to do so.

I am going to admit though, we trolled my acquaintances good. Telling everypony to avoid Applejack's treat stand really worked, for the most part. What a shame Soarin' and his love for pies allowed Applejack to make a tiny profit.

Speaking of Soarin' though, I find it hilarious that he and the other Wonderbolts, after inviting Crash into the VIP section, completely ignored her. Serves her right for being such a narcissistic bitch all the time.

Now I would have thought that even Pinkie would know that an event that you have to wear a dress to would not be some silly party like the one she threw for her stupid alligator. I suppose she truly is as idiotic as the two of us figured she was.

Good job convincing your animals to cause PETA girl to go completely crazy. Yeah I haven't known her for that long but still, seeing her scream and yell at them was quite funny. Also, her rage towards those critters actually livened this boring event up for a change. Yeah I'm sure the snobby guests probably thought otherwise but oh well, we got a laugh out of it and that is all that matters.

And I knew from after dealing with your nephew for just a few minutes that our plan for how he would handle Rarity would go along perfectly. Yes he is an asshole but I was quite happy to see him drive my fashionista acquaintance into a bigger and bigger rage. You know, despite me having shown a lot of disdain towards coming to this event, this was the most fun I have had since before you sent me down to that hellhole.

Perhaps we could work on repairing our fractured relationship. Step number one, let me come home and move back into my study tower. I will even promise to hang out with my friends a whole lot more and it won't just be for bootie calls!

Your Actually Happy Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know something, y'all Canterlot residents are more sour than an overripe apple. With the exception of Soarin' none of y'all even gave my treats a chance. Ah'm thinking of avoiding this place from now on.

Frustrated with Your Snobby Town,

Applejack

Dear Princess Celestia,

All the guests here were a bunch of meany-mean hooves who don't know how to have fun! Please liven this party up or I won't be returning."

Irritated with your guests,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Princess Celestia,

I will be honest, I wanted to turn your animals into one huge buffet after the way they treated me. They are even bigger trolls than Philomena is.

Suddenly Hungry for Meat,

Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

I just want to let you know that the Wonderbolts were assholes towards me and I think you should just get me to show off my flying at the next Gala instead.

Very Upset,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

Is Blueblood gay or something? I mean seriously, what kind of stallion could say no to a beautiful and elegant mare such as myself? I guess I got all dolled up for nothing.

Seriously Irritated,

Rarity

To My Suddenly Happy Student,

I am astonished that you are actually happy for a change. For many years, even prior to me evicting you from your comfortable life here, I thought that was something that I would never see. Yes our plan to make the lives of your acquaintances a living hell did work out as planned but let me make myself clear.

Just because you suddenly want to repair our fractured relationship does not mean that I suddenly want to have to deal with you on a regular basis so no, I will not let you come home. Besides, just think of how devastated those spa twins would be that you have so much fun with. I may not think you are deserving of coming back here but I certainly think they are worthy of continuing to have you as their sex toy.

If you ever want a legitimate chance of coming home, this is what I ask of you. Stop bitching about every little thing as it is most unbecoming. Also, lose the superiority complex. I know you think you are the best thing since sliced cake but you aren't. In the eyes of most ponies, you are just another pony stealing air that is much more fit for them.

Telling it Like it is,

Princess Celestia

To Twilight's Acquaintances,

Applejack, I am sorry that the locals here didn't want your treats. You have to understand that they are all picky assholes who only want the finest food in Equestria. Maybe there will be another festival you can go to and actually make a profit.

Pinkie Pie, I would think that even you would know that this ain't the Foal and Filly Fair. If you want to act like a foal, go and do so at one of your podunk festivals down in Ponyville. Keep your childish behavior out of Canterlot.

Fluttershy, I suppose I should have warned you that my animals hate everypony except for me. Even Luna has trouble dealing with them and she is my sister for Faust's sake.

Rainbow Crash, Look, the Wonderbolts have better things to do than associate with some sub-par fanfilly who is at best a mediocre flyer.

Rarity, my nephew is not gay. He simply is not attracted to country bumpkins who pose as a sophisticated Canterlot pony although I'm pretty sure that hideous tail of yours didn't help you any either.

Sorry the Gala didn't go the way you five had hoped. Maybe if I ever invite you to another one, it won't suck to be you so much.

Laughing My Flank Off,

Princess Trollestia, I mean Celestia

The Return of Harmony: Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

I would love to know something, what the hell is wrong with things down here? Chocolate milk rain, rabbits with long legs and my magic not working? The very first thing that crossed my mind was that this was your way of trolling not just me, but this whole damn town. Hey, I don't care about everything else going to hell here, I'm just upset that my magic won't work.

Ok, so Discord broke free from his stone prison. Did he really break free or did you set him free solely to inconvenience me? I'm certain my acquaintances actually believe he broke free but I know better, I am certain that you released him just to make my life a living hell AND have to try and bond with these peons you cursed upon me.

So you wanted us to use the Elements on Discord and turn him back into stone? Here is a better idea! Let's talk to Discord, convince him to keep his chaos out of Canterlot and then you could just have me come home. That sounds like a much better plan if you ask me. You'd have your star student back, I could continue to learn more and more and Canterlot would be a much better place with my presence. It is a win-win situation for everypony, right?

Unfortunately that is not what happened and then I had to lead those peons into a useless quest in the hedge maze from which there is no escape. You know something, the only reason I suggested that damn place is because I secretly thought that they would be too dumb to ever get out while I would simply head towards where I knew the last hedge was and climb out.

Now what I don't get is why you didn't expel each one of these acquaintances of mine once they proved to be the opposite of their true-selves. That right there was proof that they could no longer use the Elements and that they were of no use to me, or anypony else for that matter.

I tell you, seeing Fluttershy being such a bitch was rather funny yet a major league turnoff. It was so good to see her being so abusive to Pinkie and being such a bitch to Rarity but I was not thrilled with her bashing me over the sudden loss of my horn and her whipping that tail in my face. I do vow one thing, once this is all over and done, I'm cutting that damn tail of hers off. Nopony whips me in the face like that and gets away with it.

I will admit another thing, I was so glad when Rainbow betrayed us and dumbass Discord gave me my horn back. If I had been in that situation, I would have simply kept everypony else's wings and horns, laughed my flank off, teleported myself away and enjoyed the eternal chaos.

Now I just have to figure out one thing, how to rid myself of these losers in Part 2 of this episode.

Hoping to Rid Myself of Some Idiots,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Burdensome Student,

For starters, I did not release Discord from his stone prison. It is just a matter of the Elements no longer being tied to my sister or myself so it was bound to happen so please, don't go blaming the most superior ponies in the country for you suddenly not being able to get your magic to work.

Regarding talking to Discord and getting him to keep his chaos out of Canterlot so you could come home, I do like the idea of not having to put up with the shit the peons in the rest of the country engage in but there is one reason I chose not to do that. I did not want to have to deal with you on a daily basis, I don't want you learning enough that you may become a threat to national security and I doubt Canterlot wants to put up with your constant drama.

As far as your hellish time in the hedge maze, I do think it was rather funny. Watching you and your acquaintances go absolutely nowhere in that thing was hilarious, absolutely hilarious. Yes Discord is an enemy of mine but hey, even he can provide some world class entertainment from time to time.

I am going to give you a warning though, yes I know you're all pissy over Fluttershy smacking you in the face with her tail but that is no reason to go and cut it off. Cutting ponies' tails off against their will is a very serious crime and is dealt with most harshly. A tail for a tail, although I'm thinking I'd just let PETA girl shave you bald, completely bald. I'd let her take your mane, your tail and your coat and I know for sure after that, the spa twins would want nothing to do with you.

Good luck ridding yourself of those acquaintances though. I highly doubt it will happen but who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and they'll decide they hate you more than they already do. Even if that happens, still don't count on coming home. Like I've said many times, I don't feel like having to put up with you again.

Your Owner,

Princess Celestia

The Return of Harmony: Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once we got our wings and horns back and the maze was gone, there was Discord gloating over his alleged victory. At that point I'm going to be honest, I simply didn't care. My acquaintances were still being the opposites of their true-selves, which was a vast improvement if you ask me. After all, Pinkie being a bitch is preferable to her normal ADHD personality.

To be honest, the way those four started to fight was rather amusing and what I found so hilarious though was how Rarity seemed to think that that rock was actually a diamond. I don't know if Discord's mind control made her see a diamond or if she truly is that stupid. My guess though is the latter as she probably didn't get in line when brains were being handed out when she was a filly.

Naturally I just wanted to get this over with but I figured I may as well placate you because I knew how pissy you would get if I didn't round those morons up and still try to defeat Discord, despite missing Crash and those four being the Elements of Disharmony.

The trip back home was rather uneventful with the exception of getting trampled by some stupid rabbits, three days or so passing and walking on soap covered roads. I'll be honest, it was kind of funny to see you having absolutely no control over your precious sun. At that moment I began to wonder if maybe I should just join forces with Discord. He could make everypony's lives hell while I handled the sun and moon like I deserve to.

Once we got home and found where Discord hid the Elements, I decided it was time to finish this, defeat Discord and then purge those acquaintances from my life. Where I went afterwards, I didn't really care as long as I didn't have to see them again and could get away from this Faust-forsaken place. Unfortunately that was not how it went.

Since I had the Elements of Disharmony with me and was substituting Spike for Crash, we were unable to defeat Discord. That is when I decided, "screw it, time to move on." You know something, I could have done that too but you just had to troll not just me, but Spike too and send all those damn letters I sent you and caused me to give half a shit about this cursed place and those cursed acquaintances.

Sadly, I managed to get them to remember who the hell they really were and in the end we defeated Discord. Now Celestia, I want you to remember this. If it weren't for ME and me making the mistake of actually giving a shit, we could have had eternal chaos and you suddenly wouldn't have been little miss powerful because Discord would have handed control over the Celestial bodies over to me! Then I would have simply made eternal night just to spite you, which is something I'm sure Discord would have got a kick out of.

I would love to know something, why is it you gave us all a celebration when I was the one who made turned those bitches back into their annoying, normal selves? There should have only been one pony on that stained glass window, ME. Just you wait though, one of these days I will save this country and I won't have to share a window with my inferiors.

Your Irritated Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Bitchy Little Subordinate,

Ugh, this again? Good grief Twilight, I sometimes wonder if you really mean what you say or if you simply go on these rants to annoy me. I get it, you think seeing those ponies you should have befriended by now fight and act like they shouldn't is funny. I'll admit, seeing them act out like this for a little while is cute but seeing them do that all the time would not bode well for you, especially if you want a chance to initiate PETA girl someday.

One thing I do know now though is that you are a tyrant. You seriously found it funny that I had no control over my sun? You found it funny that Discord could just change it from day to night every minute or so? That is bad enough but you know what really pisses me off Twily? What truly pisses me off is that you think that you DESERVE to handle the sun and moon. You know what, you can't even get PETA girl in bed and you think you are worthy of handling the sun and moon? Don't make me laugh!

One thing that does make me question your sanity though is that you honestly thought the Elements would work with the Elements of Disharmony and Spike joining you in trying to use them. That right there is proof that you are not even deserving of being my protege but I'm not going to drop you because I want you to continue to suffer with all the shit you have to put up with, you aren't deserving of having your own life.

I am glad though that you were able to fix those acquaintances of yours and defeat Discord. I was slowly growing angry over not having control of my sun and my sister was very unhappy about not being able to control her moon. I'm going to let you in on something. Had the six of you failed, we would have swooped in, took the Elements and turned YOU into stone! Then you could wind up in the sculpture garden for the sport of those pigeons that shit all over everything.

Finally, you should be glad you had some sort of celebration thrown for you, even if you had to share the glory with those who you deem so inferior. Face it Twily, you will NEVER have a festival dedicated solely to you. You are not deserving of it nor will you ever do anything to warrant having everypony bow down and kiss that star on your flank so get over it.

Happy to Have Control of My Sun Again,

Princess Celestia

Lesson Zero

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am not thrilled that you saw everything that was going on and simply sat up there and did nothing. I know you often times spy on me from that balcony of yours and you were probably sitting up there laughing, gorging yourself on cake and screwing my old friends. Some mentor you are.

And these so called friends aren't any better either. I have a serious problem and they take it like it is some sort of joke. If I saw one of them going into a panic like that and their mane and tail got messy, I'd certainly ask them what was wrong and see if there was anything I could do to help them. I would do that because I am a nice, caring pony who loves everypony.

What bothers me the most is that they took it lightly that I might get sent back to magic kindergarten over this. Now even you should know that they aren't real friends and you should either let me come home or send my REAL friends down to be with me, at least they would care.

After this fiasco, I doubt I can trust any of them from now on. They proved themselves to be heartless bitches that are undeserving of life. Now I must go to bed and hope I don't have nightmares about this.

Your Traumatized Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To my full of shit student,

You, a nice caring pony? Don't make me laugh Twily. I know how you would react in that situation, you would probably laugh at them, tell them how pathetic they are and then go screw the spa twins. You're not little miss innocent here, they were simply giving you a dose of your own medicine.

I know a lot of things happened and I must admit, I find it downright adorable when you get like this. I remember up in Canterlot how Moondancer would always freak out when she would be pushing the envelope with getting her assignments in on time but this takes the cake! Never before have I seen a pony have a complete and absolute meltdown like this. That meltdown was so epic you even fantasized about an Alicorn filly being in magic kindergarten. Priceless, absolutely priceless!

Oh and about you claiming to be such a "good friend" when it came to trying to find a friendship problem with those acquaintances of yours. Give me a break, they know as well as I do that you barely tolerate their presence and I can't help but wonder if they didn't just get together and try to find a way to evict you from their lives. I know those five well enough to know that they truly would care about you even though you are a bitch to them 99% of the time.

There is one thing I think that you really should know though, it is highly illegal to cast the "Want it, Need it" spell on an object, especially to get fillies to fight over said object. Because you did that, I have decided I will punish you but I will reveal my plans for further on down the road, I like the idea of keeping you in suspense.

Oh, and regarding your traumatizing fantasies about magic kindergarten, I would never do that to you. First, I doubt your parents want to have to put up with you again. Second, I certainly don't want to have to deal with you face to face unless it is absolutely necessary. Third, I know Canterlot certainly doesn't want you back here and finally, I honestly don't want to deprive Ponyville of your presence. They don't deserve to be rid of you, especially at the expense of a much better community.

Now I do hope that this will be a learning lesson for you. I do hope that you will learn that I'm not that demanding. Hearing from you once a week is way too much to start with so feel free to neglect writing me. Your acquaintances however, I do want to hear from them because unlike you, even Rainbow Crash, they are not conceited little bitches whose sole goal in life is to make my life miserable.

I know that your acquaintances secretly enjoyed seeing you have the most epic meltdown of all time but consider yourself lucky. The spa twins were out of town so they didn't have their eyes seared with the hideous image of you with your mane and tail so unkempt. If they would have saw it, I know they'd never put out for you again. Funny thing is, I have pictures so you better be good or I'll share them with them.

Oh and Luna knows about this too and I told her that if you have any nightmares, that she is not to help you. We talked and we both agree that you deserve to suffer for all the problems you have caused everypony around you.

Your Still Laughing Overlord,

Princess Troll, I mean Princess Celestia

Luna Eclipsed

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that this town truly is pathetic. It seems like they are always holding parties or some other sort of festival that glorifies laziness and hinders productivity on a near constant basis. Here we go again, this time it seems like they are holding a festival that is intended to fatten the foals up for slaughter while using your sister's evil form as a cover, Nightmare Night is what I think they call it.

Now normally I would avoid such activities but given the nature of it, I thought I would go out and see which foal, once fattened up, that I would want to steal and haul off to the taxidermist. Hey, you sent me down here to learn and I may as well find out what fattened up foals taste like, right?

You know what, forget picking a foal. The most immature of my acquaintances is out fattening herself up too so once she gets fat enough, I'll club her over the head, put her out of her misery and then turn her into supper for a few days. If I can get rid of even just one of them, this Element dynamic will be fractured and then I can return home where I belong.

You know what really irks me and makes me realize that the simpletons in this town need better education? I had decided to dress up as Starswirl the Bearded while I hunted for my future, meaty meal and nopony even knew who he was! What a bunch of pathetic losers. Perhaps I should just round them all up, put them all out of their misery and haul them all off to the taxidermist. Just think then, I could have my very own town! Ponyville, no make that Twilytown: Population 1...no make that 3 because I certainly wouldn't kill those spa twins because they make me too happy.

Now I had never even heard of Nightmare Night until I came down here but after doing some talking, I learned that sadly, it isn't about fattening foals up for slaughter, it is about some "scary legend" about your sister's evil alter ego coming out and eating ponies who aren't in costume. What a dumb legend, last time I checked Luna wasn't a cannibal. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though, the stupidity of this town only gets worse as time goes by.

Out of curiosity, did you know that they have a statue of Nightmare Moon that they dump candy in front of down here? What a waste, not only are they wasting candy but they are also polluting down here too. I think that is a good enough reason to punish this place, like wipe it off the map for such a serious crime. It wouldn't be long after I discovered this though that the guest of honor would arrive.

I was not expecting this but your sister decided to attend this festival and my first question would be, why? I am going to admit, the way she was received down here was horrible. They were all scared of her and nopony told ADHD filly that Luna is no longer Nightmare Moon nor is she a cannibal. What a bunch of idiots, Luna seems nice enough but because of my moronic acquaintance, no matter how hard she tried to fit in and befriend these peons, Pinkie continued to make everypony scared of her and eventually she decided to leave.

Believe it or not I actually felt some empathy for her. Yep, for the first time in my life I actually felt bad for somepony so I went to talk to her and after a brief talk and some advice from PETA girl, Luna decided she would give it another go in town. At first she actually started to fit in until she decided to save that pirate colt from drowning. Despite her act of selflessness, Pinkie again accused her of cannibalism and because of that, your sister did away with Nightmare Night forever.

You know something, I decided that because your sister is so rational, I decided to go and see if she wanted to be friends. What you're going to find even stranger is that her and I actually had a long talk and we connected on one thing, we connected on the fact that you have been a bitch towards both of us. You banished her to the moon and you banished me to this dump. Hell, I even decided that I would not initiate her. She is the only pony truly deserving of friendship with me, no bootie-calls, no initiation, just friendship, talking and hanging out.

Like what any good friend would do, I put the pony who was making her life hell in her place and I got the rest of this town to realize that she is not evil and now she feels like some ponies care about her. Whether or not they were merely acting since she is a princess or if they truly care about her or not I'm not sure but I do know one thing, she is happier than she has been in over a thousand years.

I can't help but wonder one thing though, what if she had killed you back in the day? My guess is that Equestria would have been a much better place.

Your Disloyal Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Disloyal Student,

One part of me is disgusted and one part of me is shocked. I am disgusted by the fact that you are sitting down there wanting to feast on foals simply because of a festival that is all about fattening them up. Outside of cake, you always did have strange tastes for food growing up but I never once saw you as a cannibal.

Ok, I get it, you think that if you kill and eat Pinkie once she is fattened up enough that you can come home. Murdering ponies you are supposed to befriend will only get you banished to places you would not find pleasant. In your case, I'm thinking that forcing you to be Rarity's full time fashion model would be more than enough punishment for you.

I am surprised though that you befriended my sister, especially in a way that does not involve initiation. What irks me though is that the two of you bonded because I have allegedly been a bitch towards both of you. I am going to have to confront her over this and let her know that I was not a bitch to her. She needs to know that what I did was an act of self-defense, not me being a bitch.

Now remember, no killing your acquaintances or anypony else for that matter or Rarity will have a full time fashion model.

Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Luna,

I want to thank you for coming down to the Nightmare Night Festival. Yes I know things did not start out well when you arrived and one of my acquaintances that your sister insists I befriend was to blame. It is because of things like that that I don't want to befriend her. I can understand why the ponies down here would want to befriend her but you understand why I don't, right?

Now I have asked around and I have learned that the ponies down here like you a whole lot more than they do your sister. Once you got past the yelling and reinstated the festival, they felt like they could relate with you. We do hope that you will accept our invitation to next year's event. If you do want to come, let me know what your favorite foods are and I'll make sure we have what you want and set up a festival truly worthy of your greatness.

Hoping to See You Again Soon....Your Loyal Subject,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I am sorry about Fluttershy thinking you were Nightmare Moon. She is still a bit overly paranoid and still scared of her shadow. Hopefully one day she will be more brave, especially if I am ever able to initiate her as a friend.

Dear Twilight,

I would like to thank you for helping me finally fit in down there, especially after that acquaintance of yours tried to drag my name through the mud. I am going to admit, I was most upset with her and had it not been for you, I would have left and not came back.

Regarding next year, I will gladly come to the festival and regarding my favorite food, it is apple fritters so I do hope that Applejack will make some for me. Maybe by next year Pinkie Pie will have it through her thick skull that I am not evil anymore. Could you please see to that so my visit will be more enjoyable? I would really appreciate it.

What makes me the most happy though is that you and Ponyville like me more than my sister. I know my sister can be a troll and a bitch sometimes but I applaud you on not trying to kill her yet. Just don't try to because you know what happened when I did.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

P.S. Regarding Fluttershy, my sister had brought up how you have been trying to initiate her as a friend and I feel really bad for you. I have visited your dreams and good grief, you can't even initiate her there so face it, the only ponies who will likely ever want you are the spa twins! Just be glad you have them since nopony else wants to be initiated! :trollestia:

The Cutie Pox

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again I have learned that Apple Bloom is an idiot. After failing to get a bowling cutie mark, she mixes up a brew and manages to get the cutie pox. What is even worse is that my apple picking acquaintance brought her over to me thinking I could fix her. I knew what the hell was wrong with her but I am not a doctor. I will admit though, watching her get mark after mark and acting dumber and dumber was rather fun.

Thankfully Zecora knew what the cure was for cutie pox and gave it to Apple Bloom so we don't have a contagious pony running around anymore. The bad thing, she is once again bitching about not having a cutie mark and is now bound and determined to make a brew that will give her a mark but not give her a disease. As long as she leaves me alone and doesn't try to give me a disease, I suppose I shouldn't be too worried.

Your Banished Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ah just don't get it, why can't my friends and I get our cutie marks? We have tried so many things but we just can't find our special talents yet. Would you give us cutie marks, pleeeeeeease? :applecry:

Your Loyal Subject,

Apple Bloom

Dear Princess Celestia,

What is it with that filly, why must she act so silly? Can she not just understand that cutie marks take time? Could you please let her know that theft is a crime? Punishment I think is a must but please be sure it is just.

Zecora

To My Banished Student,

So the cutie mark cult is at it again huh? I know they irritate you and pretty much everypony else around them but I have some advice. Instead of complaining, just sit back and enjoy watching them make fools out of themselves.

Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

To Apple Bloom,

I'm going to be honest, while I think you and your friends are idiots, you have to be the worst of the three. At least they accepted the fact that they suck at bowling but you just had to steal Zecora's flowers to get what you wanted, didn't you? Now I will let you know this, had anypony else got sick because of you, I would have had to banish you to Tartarus. Keep that in mind before you go trying to earn your mark again.

Oh and by the way, NO, I will not give you three cutie marks.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To Zecora,

I think remaining a blank flank is punishment enough for her but don't worry, I did threaten her about the consequences of what future acts of larceny would entail.

Signed,

Princess Celestia

May the Best Pet Win

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again Crash is showing her stupidity. Just like it was when I degraded myself and helped out on the apple farm when you sent me those tickets, that dumb bitch is sleeping in a tree. Seriously, who in their right mind sleeps in trees, well on tree branches actually. I know how your mind works and would call me out on the whole "sleeping in a tree" thing.

Now you're probably going to drop dead in shock, which I really wish you would, because me and my inferiors have begun to have this pony/pet play date where we gather by the tree where Crash sleeps and allow our pets to socialize. You know something, Owlicious is a chip off the old block because he knows he's better than the other pets. I'm so proud!

I'm pretty sure you and your spying flank know this but all of us have a pet, except for Crash because she is way too stupid to care for a pet. Suddenly though since we woke her up, she wants a pet and guess who is going bat shit crazy to get her one? If you guessed PETA girl, you're right.

Once Rainbow couldn't decide on one, she decided to have all these potential pets take part in competitions to see which one is just as much of a narcissistic asshole as she is. Sounds simple, right? It would have been but Fluttershy forced her to allow a tortoise to take part in this. What an idiot. She should know that tortoises aren't exactly known for their narcissism or their bitchiness. There was no way that thing was going to win, ever.

What happened next was more proof that Crash is an idiot, she had those critters do everything from agility tests to speed tests to seeing which one would lick her ass clean the quickest. What a bunch of miserable, pathetic animals they are. All of them, with the exception of the tortoise, proceeded to lick her ass. Now I know for sure the tortoise is doomed to lose because it has intelligence, which is something Crash doesn't.

In the end though four birds and the tortoise had to race the idiot through Ghastly Gorge to win the "honor," although I think "punishment" would be more appropriate, of being her pet. Now for the funny part, those birds finished but Crash was nowhere to be found. One of my idiot acquaintances saw that there had been an avalanche in the gorge and my first thought was, "Yes, maybe she's dead and can be replaced!"

As the minutes turned into hours, my idiot acquaintances, rather than going and looking for the bitch, just stood there talking and speculating about what could have happened. Naturally they weren't thrilled when I made the comment that maybe a rock crushed and killed her. Unfortunately though, that would not be the case.

Ok, I have decided that tortoise is worthy of the moron of the year award because not only did he save Crash from whatever happened but he carried her back to town. What a truly stupid creature that thing is. Crash treated him like dirt all day yet he saves her ass and now all of a sudden Rainbow decides she wants him as a pet. I don't get why though, he did refuse to lick her ass after all.

Now we all have pets but one thing I certainly learned, Rainbow is STILL a bitch because she strapped a propeller on that tortoise so it could fly. If she truly just had to have a flying pet, she should have went with the falcon that won the race. Perhaps she was afraid it would kill her and eat her in the night, which would have been wonderful. Too bad it won't happen.

Wishing Rainbow Had Died,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Death Wishing Student,

For starters, I must admit that I am shocked that you are actually spending time with those acquaintances of yours. Never once did I imagine that you would simply go and have fun with them. I know you're probably going to tell me that you are only doing it for Owlicious but I think otherwise. I think that you are actually starting to like some of them anyway, most likely PETA girl since you are always wanting to "initiate" her.

You know something Twilight, it seems like you act shocked when ponies display acts of stupidity. I would think that you would know to expect that by now, especially when it comes to that stupid blue pegasus. I am not sure exactly what was going on but Luna did pay her daytime nap a visit and she dreamed about the other pets so that is why she wanted one.

I'll admit, her requirements for a pet do not surprise me. A non-flying pet would hold her down and since she can't wipe her own ass, she figured one that would do it for her would keep her stench to a minimum. I will admit though, her way of choosing a pet is rather ridiculous.

I know you want Rainbow to die so she can be replaced but even if she had died, I would not have replaced her with a pony you would want me to. I'd find some other arrogant pegasus to take her place. Hell just to spite you I'd go find some arrogant bitch from Cloudsdale, preferably some showboat from the Wonderbolts.

Now it looks like Crash will be joining you guys on your pony/pet play dates. I really pity you, now not only do you and your acquaintances have to put up with her, but so do your pets and I'm betting that tortoise of hers will be just as stuck on himself as she is before too long.

Still Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I do not take kindly to you wishing I would drop over dead in shock. I was thinking of doing something that would make you happy but forget that! I guess that study tower will remain empty!

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that not only is Rainbow Crash a complete idiot, I have also come to the conclusion that there are plenty of moronic ponies who worship Crash. I think it is some sort of cult led by that filly pegasus that can't fly. Anyway, I'm thinking you really need to do something because if anypony should be idolized, it should be me since I am the most superior pony in this dump.

I finally figured out why so many ponies worship Crash. They worship her because she has "saved" ponies from various things. Personally I think every single thing is a setup. I am certain that she is notified ahead of time, somepony is put in a situation where she could help them and then proceeds to do so. That is completely pathetic. I am thinking I should let them know all her "heroic deeds" are nothing more than staged bullshit to feed her already overblown ego.

You are probably going to be shocked but my acquaintances and I decided to knock that little bitch down a peg or two. We decided that Rarity would make these hero costumes and we would all play the role of "Mare Do Well." I came up with the name since I'm the smart one but hey, it sounds pretty good, right?

Of course all sorts of staged events again began to take place but these times, the five of us took care of things and were able to make Rainbow look like an idiot. What was the worst was that she actually thought that she could fix the dam by putting her hoof over the leak. Now if that isn't proof that she is stupid and needs to be replaced I don't know what does. Now yeah, me intentionally damaging the dam a bit so I could fix it probably wasn't the best idea but hey, I fixed things before the town was flooded so it's all good, right?

Now we didn't stop with that, I also talked to Granny Smith and Amethyst Star to act like they needed her help when they didn't. I swear, Amethyst did a great job pretending she couldn't open that jar of peanut butter. Rainbow actually thought she could rip a lid off of a peanut butter jar with her teeth? You see, it is things like that that prove that unicorns are the superior race. We don't have to use our mouths to do just about everything. Ugh, even thinking about having to do things like that is downright disgusting.

Of course we conned the mayor into holding a celebration about how great I am and how I should be queen of the world, I mean a celebration for Mare Do Well and how much better she is than Crash. I tell you though, seeing Crash think that Mare Do Well was everywhere when there several of us just made it better. It almost made me think those acquaintances of mine are worthy of the air they breathe. Key word though, almost!

Seeing her have to eat crow and admit she was being a narcissistic little bitch was rather nice. Now if only I could get Pinkie that Ritalin that she so desperately needs and get Fluttershy initiated into my friendship circle, everything would be great....well almost great. Letting me come home would still be a whole lot better.

I suppose you could say we trolled her but we didn't do enough. I really need to find a way to troll all of them so you will be proud enough you'll think I served my purpose down here and let me come home.

Wanting to Come Home,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Student Who Wants to Come Home,

I am happy to see that you did another activity that provided a glimmer of hope that you will actually think of them all as friends someday, too bad it didn't actually work. I do find it hilarious though that you put the pony with a hero complex in her place.

However, I am NOT thrilled that you would intentionally cause damage to the dam down there solely so you could fix it and cause Crash to think some random mare in a costume fixed it. If this had happened back east where they still use earthen dams, I wouldn't have cared but you did damage to the most advanced hydro-electric dam in the country. Not only does that thing provide water to that shit hole, but it also provides power for not only Ponyville, but Canterlot as well. Had we lost power because of your antics, I would have thrown you in Tartarus for a few years and forced your parents to pay to repair it under the penalty of lunar banishment.

Another thing I am not thrilled with, I am not thrilled that you would so quickly admit the Mare Do Well secret to your narcissistic acquaintance. What the five of you should have done is trolled her for a few weeks, if not longer. You can sit down there and think that you may have made me proud but you didn't. The only way you would have made me proud was if you trolled her so much that she wound up running into the forest in despair and fell victim to some timberwolves.

Next time my sub-par student, keep things going longer and maybe I will be proud of you. Key word though, maybe!

Your Far Superior at Trolling Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Sweet and Elite

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have said it before and I am going to say it again, Rarity is an attention whore. The little bitch has the audacity to lie about her cat being sick so she can relocate my party up to Canterlot just so she can mingle with the rich snobs who aren't deserving of the air they breathe. It is moments like this that cause me to know that she is not the Element of Generosity, she is just a disloyal bitch who puts the rich snobs ahead of those who she claims are her friends.

Oh and I do have some advice, you may want to tell Fleur de Lis to rein in her husband and punish him for flirting with Rarity so much. Personally I'd like to see her give little miss priss a couple of black eyes but apparently she is too prissy and weak to do anything to prevent her husband from possibly cheating on her.

Overall, this had to be the worst trip back to Canterlot out of all of them. I discovered that an alleged friend only cares about her VIP status up here and that she has an absolutely horrid taste in ponies that she likes to associate with. Why bother with them when she could come hang out with me instead. Yeah she's not the spa twins but she'd suffice in the event I had nopony else to have fun with.

Despising Rarity,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I thought I had it made up here. I thought I was going to be able to leave Ponyville, come up here and become the Very Important Pony that everypony loves. I even got Fancy Pants to flirt with me and invite me into his luxury box at the derby but then my friends had to show up and ruin everything.

Seriously, Applejack behaving like a ruffian ripping weeds out of the ground and Fluttershy finally becoming friends with your idiotic birds? Both of them are uncouth and Pinkie isn't any better, nor is Rainbow but don't even get me started on Twilight. She had the audacity to mention I made that horrible dress for her in front of what I thought would be my new friends and now they think I'm some sort of joke.

I don't know how it happened but before I left Fleur de Lis paid me a visit and told me to stay away from her husband. Knowing my luck Twilight probably approached her over this just to spite me. Dumb bitch anyway, maybe someday she'll fall for a married mare and I can approach her wife to pay her a visit.

On a final note, could you fire Hayseed Turnip Truck? He dumped water on me and I'm not one bit pleased.

Your Upset Subject,

Rarity

To Rarity's Worst Enemy,

So she moved your party to Canterlot, big deal. I know you had cake but I was not invited despite you knowing how much I love my cake so guess what, I don't give a shit about your problems. You can bitch, cry and whine all you want but all you'll get out of me is an amused chuckle.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To My Upset Serf,

Ugh, out of all your friends, you are by far the dumbest. You, a country bumpkin from Ponyville, think that you can come up here and befriend all the most undesirable assholes in this city? I know they thought you were all that and a bag of chips but thanks to your friends and Twilight, you were exposed for the fraud you are. I'm glad they did it too because I don't like seeing a pony's ego getting fed too much.

Oh and could you please stop hitting on married stallions? You may say your friends are uncouth but it is very uncouth for an Element bearer to go hitting on ponies that are already taken.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Secret of My Excess

Dear Princess Celestia,

I do have a question, why is it that when you were teaching me basically everything there was to know, why didn't you teach me about how dragons can be greedy little bastards? I thought all was fine when I decided to hold a birthday party for Spike but then after my acquaintances gave him gifts and the Cake family gave him a cupcake covered in gems, he suddenly started stealing basically anything and everything. Hell he even wanted one of my books to add to his stash of shit and he doesn't even like to read!

One fun thing I must let you know is that I wasted government funds by taking him to a doctor for foals and then the vet before finally hauling him out to Zecora's and learning about a dragon's true nature. That is pretty bad when you, allegedly one of the smartest ponies out there, failed to tell me something so basic and I have to learn it from a zebra.

Once that was taken care of, the little bastard wound up stealing things from all most of my acquaintances, although I think that stealing Rarity is likely the worst of them. I know he has a crush on her but please, she ain't going to want to deal with him when he is likely going to eat her.

I don't know what the hell caused him to snap out of beast mode and return to being tiny again but I almost had to get a new assistant and we almost needed a new Element of Generosity because both Spike and Rarity nearly went splat. Too bad Crash and Fluttershy had to save them, well Rarity anyway. Having her being replaced by Twinkleshine would have been sweet.

I have decided that after this, I will no longer allow Spike to have any gifts for his birthday or anything else for that matter, with the exception of just a book from me. Perhaps that will keep him in check from now on.

Owner of a Bad Dragon,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Could you please tell Twilight to keep her dragon in check? He stole apples, he scared ponies and he ponynapped one of us! We know that dragons do get greedy but please, he even stole the water tower and the town's emergency siren. We do not need this in Ponyville. To be honest, perhaps you should just let her go back home since all she does is bitch about how she hates it here and merely tolerates our presence....actually no, PLEASE take her off our hooves, we don't feel like dealing with her anymore!

Sincerely,

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Rarity

To My Bad Dragon Owning Student,

If I remember correctly I did teach you about that not too long after you hatched Spike but given that you were just a little filly, you probably weren't paying attention to me. What a shame I didn't start hating you back then. However, given that Zecora knew about a dragon's true nature, I would think that ANYPONY would know they will get greedy if you start giving them too much stuff.

Yes I know he stole plenty of stuff, including the water tower so that is old news. However, I do plan on raising your parents' taxes until enough revenue is generated to replace the water tower down there. I do agree that he should not be given anything more than one book on special occasions but I would also advise keeping him locked in that dungeon of yours to keep him from seeing Rarity, I think she may be a bad influence on him.

Oh and don't forget about him traumatizing some of your acquaintances too. Yeah I honestly don't care about any stress they may have gone through but it isn't my job to provide them with counseling or whatever it would be that would calm them down so it will be up to you to find them a counselor.

Mildly Annoyed,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Had Rarity went splat, I would not have replaced her with Twinkleshine. I would have found some other prissy unicorn that you would be completely incompatible with to curse upon you. Twinkleshine has done nothing wrong to warrant banishing her to that backwater town and besides, I do not want to reward you for being a total bitch all the time.

Dear Twilight's Acquaintances

I am sorry to hear that Spike caused some of you so many problems but let me make myself clear, I am not going to take Twilight off of your hooves. You have not done anything to warrant me rewarding you in such a way nor has Twilight done anything to warrant being allowed to come home. Besides, she has mentioned learning enough to ascend herself and overthrow me so she has been deemed a threat to national security. Sorry but you're stuck with my bitchy little student!

Signed,

Princess Celestia

Hearth's Warming Eve

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again you have proven yourself to be the troll of all trolls. Hearth's Warming Eve and its shitty weather have arrived once again and I am not thrilled. Not only did I have to get out in that shit, but my acquaintances and I had to not only get out in this crap, but we had to travel to Canterlot to play the lead roles in the traditional pageant. You know how much I despise acting yet you curse this upon me anyway.

What really irked me is that while we were preparing for the damn thing Crash was being her usual, arrogant self. I suppose the role you gave her fit her perfectly, a bitch portraying a bastard in a stupid play, sounds about right. However, I am not thrilled that I had to play a subordinate role to little miss priss.

As you know, Fluttershy was being a royal pain in us trying to get ready and we wound up in a box of garland, a box that I wish I could have initiated her into my friendship circle in but unfortunately, that was not meant to be.

Now about the play and the history of our superior nation. I look back at things and noticed how Chancellor Pudding Head was ELECTED as chancellor of the earth ponies. Many ponies have always bashed earth ponies about their past and now I know why. The very fact that any group of ponies would allow mindless serfs to determine who should be in charge was a disaster. Seriously, ponies who know nothing about how things should be run electing equally as mindless ponies to run the show? No wonder the earth pony government wound up collapsing.

I remember when we were in school together I decided to read this book about these bipeds Lyra was so into, I think it was a mythology book although she claimed it was all fact. There were some governments where these creatures would elect individuals to represent them, this one called America was the one it really focused on. What made that place horrible was that the candidate who lost the popular vote could still win the election. It is no wonder that when that species began to go extinct, it was that place and others with similar styles of government that perished first.

I read something interesting though, there were a couple of places called Oman and Saudi Arabia that had absolute monarchies like we do and they were the last ones to fall. They finally fell to disease instead of civil wars, kind of ironic don't you think?

The pegasi were equally as idiotic having a dictatorship. Yes their leader was a sole ruler but he was an idiot, a short tempered idiot as Crash portrayed in the play. In Lyra's book it spoke of how those countries generally starved their serfs to death so they could hog all the food for themselves, especially one called North Korea where this fat dude who was the butt of everyone's jokes was in charge.

I will admit though, I'm shocked that ponies with such different styles of government were able to get together and agree on the best system all while singing under a heart. Thank goodness we didn't use that ridiculous system known as a representative democracy or the equally as bad dictatorship where a fat pony with no clue on how to rule things was running the show. We would have all killed each other a long time ago.

I know I bitch about what a troll you are and how you have treated me like shit over the years but we are so lucky to have you in power but just you wait, one day, once I ascend to Goddess-hood, I will overthrow you and we will be even more prosperous. Princess.....I mean Queen Twilight Sparkle sounds pretty good, right?

As you saw the play went fine and afterwards, I wanted to initiate Fluttershy in a box of garland again but she wouldn't let me. Little bitch anyway, she has no idea what she is missing.

Glad We Live in Equestria,

Future Queen Twilight Sparkle

To My Tyrant Student,

Now you stop right there you tyrannical bitch. You rule Equestria, I think not. That is especially after you referred to yourself as Queen Twilight Sparkle. I will let you know exactly why I sent you away now. I could see it in your eyes and sense it in your actions that if you ever learned enough, you would try to ascend yourself and then depose my sister and I. Neither one of us can allow that to happen and you better be glad Luna didn't see this letter. If she had, you'd be on the sun before you could even blink your eyes.

Yes, how the tribes came together. It is a rather amazing story isn't it? Oh and about the stuff in Lyra's book, it was all true. Even stranger, Saddle Arabia sits over the area that was Saudi Arabia and Oman, with the exception of this human thing called religion, they are very similar.

Now we sit on top of what used to be that representative democracy called America, so we wound up having a far superior form of government from what our non-pony predecessors had. Want to know what made matters worse, that America place didn't let their citizens directly elect their leaders so sometimes the less popular candidate would win and be put in power. Hell one time this egotistical orange idiot that was hated by over half the country got put in power by some dumb college. How that thing worked I'd have to go into better detail with you later but needless to say, it was things like that which caused that place to fall first when the mass extinction began.

Well I do hope you enjoyed taking part in the play and I will say this again, you must not be all that attractive if PETA girl won't let you initiate her.

Your Absolute Monarch (And don't you forget it),

Princess Celestia

Baby Cakes

Dear Princess Celestia,

Guess what, this dump has two more residents. Apparently the local bakers had a pair of fraternal twins and most everypony is elated. I don't particularly give a shit but I do feel sorry for those two. They are going to have their minds poisoned by the same xenophobic, backwards bullshit that has infected almost everypony else down here. I think you should either force the Cakes to move to Canterlot for the sake of their new foals or at least take them away from them.

The Cake Family must not know me very well if they think that I would be even remotely interested in babysitting. I had other plans and as you know, it was not to write a report for you. I had a private appointment at the spa and I was not about to give that up to watch two little hellions who would only make my life a living hell.

As it turned out ADHD girl wound up watching those brats and after rejecting my help, I understand that they nearly drove her bat shit crazy. Too bad they wouldn't have drove her to the point where she would have become Pinkamena, slaughtered them and then invited me over for foal stew. I have always wondered what baby ponies taste like and that would have been the perfect opportunity to find out.

What happened in the end I'm not sure because I headed back to the spa for a full night of intense pampering. I swear, Aloe and Lotus are so good to me, they always cater to my every need and that is far more important than whether or not Pinkie managed to survive babysitting.

Having Fun at the Spa,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

If I would have known how stressful babysitting was I wouldn't have begged my bosses to let me do it. Those babies don't listen to reason and their taste in stand up comedy is awful! On top of that, they are horribly messy, and loud, and a pain when it comes to changing their diapers and they seem to get a great amount of joy in causing me to have mental breakdowns.

Yes I said I would be the Cake's go to babysitter but next time they are going to be out of town, could you summon me up to Canterlot for one reason or another, even if it is just to make you a cake! I just don't think I could handle having to actually take care of them anymore.

Overly Stressed,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Princess Celestia,

We have made Pinkie our go to babysitter so do you think that you could arrange it to where villains would show up when we don't need her to take care of the twins? It would make our lives easier knowing that we would have a competent pony to watch over our foals rather than having to take them to the local daycare. It would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Carrot and Cup Cake

To My Spa Obsessed Student,

I know you're likely having fun at the spa and won't get this for a while but I can understand why you made up that lie about having to write me a report, I wouldn't want to have to babysit those hellions either. However, I am extremely upset that you would actually want to turn those twins into a stew. I know I said in the past that Apple Bloom soup sounded tasty but to kill two innocent little foals....wait a minute, now that you bring it up that does sound tasty but still, for you to bring it up just shows what a cold, uncaring bitch you truly are.

Oh and regarding forcing relocation on the Cakes or taking their babies away from them, it's not going to happen. We don't need ponies with small town mentalities living up here in Canterlot. The rich snobs are bad enough but you mix that with backwards thinking, it would only make things worse. Also, I have no plans on taking their babies away from them unless YOU are willing to take them in and raise them to be little assholes, I will not be playing the role of Foal Protective Services.

Wishing I had My Own Spa Twins,

Princess Celestia

To Pinkie Pie,

I know those twins drove you up the wall and nearly caused you to have a nervous breakdown but you made them a promise didn't you? Don't you have that Pinkie Promise that you don't break or something? Tell you what though, since you said for me to summon you up there to make me cakes when they are going to be gone, I shall do so. If there is one thing I will never turn down, it is cake!

Be warned though, if the cakes you make are not top notch, not only will I stop summoning you to get you out of babysitting, but I will tell the Cake Family about your request and then have them force you out and you could go live with Twilight. I'm sure she'd love to have you as a roommate!

Looking Forward to You Making Me Cake,

Princess Celestia

To Carrot and Cup Cake,

Sorry but I don't determine when the villains come and take your babysitter away. Contact the writers at Hasbro about that, ok?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

The Last Roundup

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, I have learned that this pathetic town will make a big deal out of everything. Get this, they decided to give Applejack a big send off because she is going to a rodeo. Yep, they are giving her a big send off over a fucking rodeo. What about me? Why don't I get fancy send offs when I have to come up there and put up with your shit? I'd say that would be far more send off worthy than a rodeo!

Not only that, but thanks to a pegasus who likes destroying things with thunderclouds, Applejack offered to use her winnings to fix town hall. Yeah that seems like shit to me but she is too damn generous. If she had an ounce of common sense, she would have told the mayor to bill Derpy since she is the one who destroyed it, either that or raise the wealthy ponies' taxes down here, it's not like they'd miss it anyway.

A week later we got a letter informing us that Applejack wasn't coming home and I was thrilled! Finally, I believed that I could perhaps get you to either replace her or even better, let me come home so I could be with my real friends, not just a bunch of ponies I have to spend too much time with against my will.

Come to find out, Applejack was all pissy because she didn't win any money up at that rodeo in Canterlot and decided to run off and hide because she was afraid the mayor would sue her for not winning money to fix town hall. What an idiot, if she had an ounce of sense she would know the mayor wouldn't sue her over not winning anything. If she was going to sue anypony, it would likely be the ditz that used a thundercloud to destroy the roof.

As it turned out, my overly paranoid acquaintance took a job as a lowly laborer at some cherry orchard in the middle of nowhere, in a place that was almost as horrible as the place Applejack's moronic cousin lives. Now I had no desire to go and retrieve her but I could see the Apple Family was distraught and while I am a grade A bitch most of the time, I didn't want to see them be without their loved one so I swallowed my pride and we went to retrieve her. So you see, I'm not all bad!

In my bid to try and get her to get her ass home so her family doesn't commit suicide and the apple farm won't go under, I degraded myself by taking on a job at the same cherry orchard. Yes it was something that was way below me, well below me along with every other unicorn but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Eventually we learned that she stunk it up at a rodeo and was ashamed to come home without any blue ribbons. So fucking what, why the hell would it matter if she won anything or not? That right there is proof that she is full of way too much pride to even give a shit about her apple farm and needs to be replaced by Twinkleshine or one of my other friends.

After a sappy reunion back home between her and her family, I just had to go and unwind. Seeing such happy things going on between inferiors is so repulsive. Luckily for me, after some private time at the spa, that was all forgotten.

Your Sappy Moment Hating Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Sappy Moment Hating Student,

I would love to know something, why would you travel out to some hellhole and degrade yourself in an attempt to bring home a pony you can barely tolerate? I get it, you do these things so that maybe I will think you've learned enough about friendship to come home, right? I however, know the real reason. You do it so you can continue to bitch about it in your letters to me.

I don't get why you are complaining about her running away over not winning any blue ribbons given how you constantly cry, whine and complain about not being able to initiate PETA girl into your friendship circle. Hell maybe if you invite her to the spa for a four-way, maybe she will be more open to being your friend.

Now I do find it funny that you would degrade yourself into becoming a lowly grunt at a cherry orchard though. Maybe, just maybe you are starting to realize that you aren't this prize rooster that is too good to do any actual work. From the way things sound, from the sounds of things I'm sure that once you get this taken care of, you'll be back to your prissy, too good to do any work, self.

Now I would love to know why you hate moments of a family being reunited with a member they thought they would never see again? Is it because you don't have anypony who loves you like Applejack's relatives love her or is it just because you are a bitch who enjoys seeing others suffer. I am quite sure of one thing, if the spa twins went missing you'd likely be begging those acquaintances to help you find them and once you did, you'd certainly have a sappy moment to celebrate their return.

Oh, and tell Applejack not to worry. I just seized your parents' bank accounts to fix that roof because there is no need for a hardworking pony to be under so much stress.

Your Account Seizing Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Even had Applejack gone AWOL permanently, I would not have let you come home nor would I have sent one of your old friends down there to take her place. None of them have pissed me off enough to banish them like I did you.

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Dear Princess Celestia,

I just don't get it, why do these idiots down here make a big deal out of every single little thing. This time the whole damn town decided to make an official holiday out of the start of cider season. Now why the hell would anypony get up before you raise the sun just to get in line for cider when they could just go and buy it at the store?

Apparently this shit is some sort of tradition not just for my apple picking acquaintance, but this whole town. Despite me not really giving a shit, I figured I would go and get in line just this once to see if that cider truly is worth inconveniencing myself over. As it turns out, it is good but I still feel like I wasted my time and lost precious sleep over this.

Of course, like with every other event, they waste their time on down here, there was drama when Applejack ran out of cider and my least favorite of my acquaintances wound up not getting any. Personally I think it served her right for letting PETA girl get ahead of her in line.

Now I am convinced you have decided to expand the list of ponies you like to troll. Just as soon as Applejack ran out of cider, these annoying stallion twins showed up with this cider making machine and made some claim that they could make enough cider for the whole town to drink and put the local apple farm out of business.

Just like everything else in this town, it turned into one giant fiasco over a cider making competition and given how shitty these stallions' cider was from their machine, despite winning, the locals ran those idiots out of town. Who woulda thunk it, these morons did something right for once.

One thing that will make you proud though, I did help my apple picking acquaintance in their attempt to produce more cider than those moron stallions so I think that should be more than enough evidence to prove that I have learned enough about friendship for you to allow me to come home.

Actually Caring For Once,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am a might upset over the fact that you haven't done something with those con-ponies who tried putting my farm out of business. I do hope that you will make sure that they never do this to anypony ever again. If you don't, I will have to agree with Twilight, that you are indeed a bitch.

By the way, I didn't learn anything, I was right all along! When you put quality ahead of quantity and you work hard, you'll always come out on top.

Hoping You'll Punish Flim and Flam,

Applejack

To My Sub-Par Student,

I must say I am shocked. I was spying and when I saw you helping in that contest I was shocked. However, I am going to bring up that you were the laziest of Applejack's "honorary family." The rest of your acquaintances were working hard while all you did was count and stack barrels so you're nothing special. Also, if you think that doing that one measly little thing is going to cause me to allow you to come home, you're dumber than I thought.

Another thing I want to add, if you truly are as great as you claim you are, you could have just fired a bolt of energy at that cider making machine and sealed the deal for that pony I hoped you would have befriended by now. Keep on trying though, maybe someday you will prove yourself worthy of coming home! :rainbowlaugh:

Thinking You Could Have Done More,

Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack,

Don't push it, alright? Believe it or not but I actually like you, well sort of anyway, but if you agree with my bitchy little student about me, I'll deem you just as unworthy as she is of ever having anything nice. Regarding Flim and Flam, what they did was not illegal so I have no reason to punish them.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Read it and Weep

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that ADHD girl and the diva are complete morons. I caught them in the act of watching something incredibly stupid, Rainbow Crash flying around and showboating like a complete moron. What is funnier is that Crash wound up crashing and breaking her wing. I am thinking of letting the Wonderbolts know about this so that loser will NEVER get accepted into their shitty little club.

When she crashed I was really hoping that we would go over and find her laying there with her neck broke and blood pouring out of her mouth but sadly, that is not what happened. All she did was break her wing and get a little scratch on her face and here I was getting ready to celebrate and send you a notice that we needed a replacement for her, someone who is actually a friend of mine instead of a mere acquaintance, and a distant one at that.

Ugh and then there was Rainbow crying and whining in the hospital about going to be stuck in there for a few days. Seriously, they're hospitalizing her for a few days over a broken wing? What a waste, there may have been somepony who was actually sick that needed that bed instead of her whining flank.

Since she didn't die in her crash, I thought I could kill her with brain overload so I gave her a Daring Do book to read, or at least attempt to. I know she has the most primitive brain out of all of us so I figured that if she tried to read, her brain would explode, she'd be hauled out of that place by the coroner and I'd have to send you a note saying we need a replacement, preferably Twinkleshine or Minuette since they were always the most fun.

Sadly that did not happen, instead, after a few days of being hospitalized, she winds up waking the whole damn town after being chased out for trying to steal a book! Yep, she tried to steal that book I had her read and I'll be honest, I didn't even know she knew how to read. I suppose at least she isn't as dumb as I thought and we have something to bond over but that doesn't suddenly make her my friend, just an acquaintance who happens to like the same book series I do.

Surprised that Crash Knows How to Read,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh, Twilight actually thinks I am deserving of life because I know how to read and I like Daring Do! Despite her being a bitch to me most of the time, maybe I can become her closest acquaintance!

Suddenly Loving to Read,

Rainbow Dash

P.S. I don't know if you know this or not but is Daring Do real? If so, do you think I would have a chance with her because in her picture on the cover, she is a really hot recolor of me!

To My Surprised Student,

You're shitting me here, right? I am utterly shocked that you got Crash to read a book, I didn't think world class athletes had that ability. I suppose I should congratulate you on getting her to work that pile of mold in her head but that still isn't going to make me think any higher of you. Who knows though, if you can befriend that narcissistic acquaintance of yours through a shared love of the Daring Do books, maybe, just maybe, you will have something other than the spa twins that will make you happy.

Your Equally as Surprised Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rainbow Crash,

Could you do me a favor and quit showboating? Next time you wind up crashing like that it may be a whole lot more than your wing you break and despite me not caring much for you, I don't want to see you killed because then Twilight will constantly be begging me to send one of her old friends down there and that does get annoying.

I must say, I am happy that you know how to read and are enjoying the Daring Do series. I like it too and I have something that you and Twilight will never have, the special unedited signed first editions!....and no, you can not borrow them.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I can't believe it, you think a fictional character is hot? Well this isn't a new phenomena and from what I understand in a different dimension, there are bipedal creatures that find us hot, especially Twilight. Why that is I don't know but it happens.

Hearts and Hooves Day

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well it is that time of year again, Hearts and Hooves Day. Ugh I hate this so called holiday, it is pointless, completely pointless. It is just something ponies do to keep the floral industry in business, the greeting card industry in business and to a lesser extent, the candy companies in business. What a shame it isn't like Nightmare Night and we could fatten a lot of ponies up so I could take one to the taxidermist.

I tried avoiding going out and about on that day but then I remembered I had an afternoon at the spa planned and for some odd reason, the twins wanted to learn about the history of this cursed day so I took a book with me but then I made the mistake of allowing the cutie mark cult to borrow it. I'm not sure exactly what happened but I did hear rumors that they committed highly illegal activities.

With that being the case I think this "holiday" needs to be banned. It has horrible origins and what is the worse thing, an earth pony prince doped up an Alicorn princess so she would want him and nothing else. That is disgusting and with you being an Alicorn, I would think that you would rid this nation of such a horrible celebration.

Hoping You'll Scrap this Miserable "Holiday,"

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am pissed, very pissed. Three little cunts in my class that I thought were good fillies wound up drugging me and Applejack's non-talkative brother. I am not sure how to punish them but I do know that if I did what I wanted to, I would wind up in prison. Perhaps I could let you punish them for serving me and Big Mac that stupid love poison from one of Twilight's books. Hell, maybe you should punish Twilight for giving them the book instead.

Sincerely,

Miss Cheerilee

Dear Princess Celestia,

We know that we have made some ponies mad at us and we know what we did was wrong but our hearts and hooves were in the right place. If we promise never to meddle in the personal lives of any ponies again, could you please not punish us.

Your Faithful Subjects,

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo

To My Hearts and Hooves Day Hating Student,

Come to think of it, this idiotic holiday does have terrible origins. Yes I know I will piss off certain industries but I have decided that you do make a point. Tomorrow, I shall issue an edict banning the celebration of Hearts and Hooves Day. In its place I shall proclaim that every February 14th everypony shall celebrate Alicorn Supremacy Day. It will be a day where ponies all over the land shall show allegiance towards the Master Race, barring a horrible physical ailment, by traveling to Canterlot and bringing Luna and myself gifts, incredibly expensive gifts, worthy of our greatness.

Just to make it extra funny, since it was an earth pony prince who poisoned an Alicorn princess, earth ponies will have to pay me the most homage BUT since you gave those idiotic fillies that book, you will have to pay me even more. What all I'm going to expect out of you I'm not sure of yet but if you can't give me something truly worthy of my greatness, I'll just jack up your parents' taxes and use those extra funds to have a golden statue of myself put in every community in Equestria.

Now remember this Twily, you have one year to save up the funds to buy me something truly great. Maybe if you whore yourself out to Rarity she will toss you a few bits every now and then. Just one little bit of advice, don't get me anything silver because I hate silver. If it is jewelry or extra fancy regalia, it better be gold or you'll have yourself a nice, permanent lunar vacation.

Waiting for a Nice Gift from You,

Princess Celestia

To Cheerilee,

Don't worry, I already have something planned for those three. Let's just say that my maids will be getting a week off. I would advise though that you don't let the cutie mark cult make up any school work that they will miss. If they are to truly learn their lesson, I can't be the only one to punish them, you had better do so yourself.

Hoping You'll Punish the Cutie Mark Cult,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don't worry, I have a punishment planned for Twilight for giving those little bitches that book.

To the Cutie Mark Cunts,

Alright you little bitches, listen to me and listen to me closely. I am summoning the three of you up to Canterlot immediately. For producing, possessing and serving that highly illegal love poison to two ponies completely unaware that you were doing it, I hereby sentence you to a full week of cleaning the whole palace top to bottom. That should teach you to not try to use a mind controlling potion to control other ponies' minds. Get up here within two hours or I will come down there, abduct you myself and that sentence will be two weeks.

Regardless though, my sister will oversee you three and make sure you do a good job. If you fail to meet her expectations, which are very high, you will find yourself on the sun before you can blink your eyes, got it?

Your New Master,

Princess Celestia

A Friend in Deed

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, I have come to the conclusion that Pinkie must be an even bigger moron than I thought. Get this, she spent the greater part of a day trying to befriend a grouchy ass who has decided to move into town. I know she wants to befriend every undesirable and their dog in this town but really, if somepony, or in this case someass, wants to be left alone and hates you, just leave him alone.

What irked me the most is she had to come and complain to me about it. Because of her miserable, pathetic whining, I was five minutes late getting to the spa and you know how I feel about tardiness. I'm thinking about suggesting to the spa twins that they prohibit her from every coming into the spa. Hell, not just talk them into banning her from the spa permanently but all of my acquaintances except Fluttershy since she, unlike the others, is very hot. Now I just need to figure out a way to seduce and initiate her, maybe a foursome in the spa would be appealing for her.

From what I heard, Pinkie wound up reuniting that cranky old ass with a jenny that he had a crush on from a long time ago so they're all good now. What a shame too, I think it would have been funny to see him die a cranky, lonely old bastard.

Hoping the Twins Keep Pinkie Out of the Spa,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have a question. Ok, after I bugged him for most of the day, I was finally able to befriend Cranky and now, I'm friends with almost everypony down here now. To make it a perfect 100%, I need to befriend Twilight. How do I go about it? You know her pretty well, what could I do? Would an extra special party with cake, ice cream, balloons and music do the trick?

Hoping to Befriend Twilight,

Pinkie Pie

To My Pinkie Hating Student,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, here you go bitching again. I have a question, outside of Pinkie bitching to you and making you late for your spa appointment, how the hell does her griping affect you? What you should have done was throw her out of the library as soon as she showed up, told her to go bitch to one of her many friends and leave you alone.

I honestly think you entertained her for a while solely so you could bitch to me about it. I know you enjoy bitching about everything since it is the only way for you to vent about your problems but couldn't you write bitchy letters to somepony else? Couldn't you bitch to somepony who might actually care, such as your parents? Look, you got your spa time in and that is all that should matter.

Sick and Tired of Your Bitching,

Princess Celestia

To Pinkie Pie,

You can forget about befriending Twilight, because like me, she does have standards. Unfortunately for you, you are not attractive enough for her to ever want to initiate into her circle of friends. I do have a favor to ask of you though, could you tell your animal crazed friend to just let Twilight initiate her? You have no idea how much Twilight bitches about her inability to seduce her and it is getting old. Do it and I just might make it worth your while.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Putting Your Hoof Down

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again I have been excluded from an episode. You have no idea how pissed I am getting over this. The only thing I understand happened was Fluttershy turned into a total bitch for a while and told Rarity and Pinkie that they waste their lives on pointless shit that nopony else gives a flying fuck about.

Your Excluded Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To Princess Celestia,

You are just as bad as Pinkie and Rarity. You sit up there on your fancy ass throne stuffing your face with cake when there are ponies out there who actually work for a living, the same ponies who allow you to afford all that cake. New Fluttershy hopes you wind up gaining enough weight you have a fatal heart attack so She can feast on your corpse.

Hoping You Die,

New Fluttershy

P.S. Luna would do a better job than you anyway so the sooner you die, the better.

Dear Princess Celestia,

We can not believe how horrible Fluttershy was to us and both of us find it terrible that she allowed Iron Will to transform her from a sweet, innocent thing into a complete and absolute bitch. Could you punish Iron Will for corrupting our sweet friend like that. Not only was she a bitch to us, but basically everypony in town!

Sincerely,

Pinkie Pie and Rarity

To My Once Again Excluded Student,

Oh for the love of Faust, could you quit whining about being excluded from episodes? Look, I am almost never included in episodes and you never hear me bitch about it. Perhaps you should contact the all powerful Brian Goldner and have him threaten the writers with torture if they don't include your sorry flank in every single episode. I doubt he will listen to you since you obviously aren't that popular anymore but it is worth a shot.

Also, if you decide to contact him, see if you can get him to force the writers to put me in every single episode because I am the primary princess and most important character in this series.

Also Pissed Over My Exclusion,

Princess Celestia

To New Fluttershy,

You listen to me and listen to me good you pathetic little bitch. I get it, you think that you should be the biggest bitch on the face of the planet just because some of Iron Will's assertive techniques work. It is always good to see ponies be more assertive but you, you turned into a hurtful cunt who didn't care you hurt the feelings of two of your closest friends.

If you keep this shit up, I will give Twilight permission to forcibly initiate you into her circle of friends. Despite it being illegal, I will even tell her that she can hold you in her aura while she does it too. Perhaps that will knock you down a peg or two and the submissive little doormat we all love will be returned to us.

And regarding you wanting me to die of a heart attack, watch your back you little bitch. One of these nights I might get hungry for Pegasus wings and pay you a little visit to satisfy my appetite.

Suddenly Wanting to Kill You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You saying that Luna would do a better job will not get you in her good graces since you hope I die. Perhaps if I tell her this, she will give you nightmares instead of saving you from them.

To Pinkie Pie and Rarity,

Don't worry, I gave Fluttershy a stern warning that continued bitchy behavior will have serious consequences. However, she is right you know. You two are the most frivolous ponies down there and you do indeed waste your miserable, pathetic lives on things that nopony else gives a flying fuck about.

For you information, I will not be punishing Iron Will for this. It was because of her weak and feeble mind that Fluttershy was so easily corrupted. Plenty of ponies go to his assertiveness seminars and simply learn to stand up for themselves and their lives are better for it.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Special: Putting Her Hoof Down (Twilight's Interaction)

Dear Princess Celestia,

Remember how Fluttershy turned into a bitch for a while, treated Rarity and Pinkie like shit but then became remorseful? Once I heard about this, I saw an opportunity. I headed over to her cottage thinking that maybe she would be more of a doormat than usual. When she opened the door she had a look of lust in her eyes and I immediately thought, "Sweet, I'm gonna get laid by Fluttershy!"

Unfortunately, when she led me in to her cottage, she was in her "New Fluttershy" mode and not only knocked me to the floor and stomped me, but she ordered her critters to claw me. What a terrible bitch of an acquaintance. She gives me a look of lust making me think I could initiate her but then I find myself on the floor, being stomped and clawed by useless animals.

You know something, that is a crime! She needs to be punished for this and REPLACED. Twinkleshine was always so sweet and kind so perhaps you could send PETA girl to Tartarus and Twinkleshine into my sex deprived, extremely needy hooves. Just let me know when you're going to take care of those two issues so I can notify the spa twins and celebrate.

Attacked by PETA Girl,

Twilight Sparkle

To Twibitch's Mentor,

Would you care to explain why your student came over to bother New Fluttershy? New Fluttershy was making plans on how she was going to go punish that half blind mail pony for delivering the wrong mail to her cottage again before doing what it took to purge your perverted student from her life, all of our lives!

Regarding Twilight, after what New Fluttershy and her animals did to her, hopefully she will leave New Fluttershy alone and stop wanting to initiate her. If she tries this again, New Fluttershy may not be so nice, she may decide to kill her and share her corpse with her pet bear.

Ready to Kill Twibitch,

New Fluttershy

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Wait a minute, you decided you would try and take advantage of a pony who had just had a mental breakdown, one in which she was very aggressive for a while? You are obviously even dumber than I ever imagined. You should be glad that Fluttershy didn't break your back or feed you to that pet bear I understand she has.

Look, I know you want to initiate her one day but I would advise you steer clear of her for a while. She is in the mood to kill right now, well kill you anyway, and it would be absolutely heartbreaking to see her bring your banishment to a tragically short end. I would advise you go to the spa and get yourself some pampering because it seems like you could really use it right now.

Laughing Fluttershy Hurt You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am not going to replace Fluttershy over this, especially not with Twinkleshine. Fluttershy is simply going through a rough time and to be honest, I'm glad she and her animals attacked you. Maybe it will teach you to stop being such a damn stalker and wait until Fluttershy wants to be initiated.

Dear New Fluttershy,

Could you do me a favor and not kill Twilight? I know you're mad that she thought she could take advantage of you at a rough time but look at it this way. If you were to kill her, you would be rewarding her with death for harassing you. Just let her continue to be miserable, that would be a much worse punishment than death, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Luna found out you wanted me to die so you may not have any pleasant dreams for quite some time. Just to make things funny though, she plans on throwing a sex crazed, very sadistic Twilight into all of them.

It's About Time

Dear Princess Celestia,

I honestly think that Spike doesn't give a shit about anything. You see, when I made a schedule I forgot to make room in the schedule to plan for next month. That is a disaster that could throw my whole year off! Speaking of disasters, something weird happened. A me from the future, next Tuesday morning to be exact, came back to warn me about a disaster!

I knew I had to do something so I rounded up the peons in this dump and told them that a disaster was coming and we had to prepare for it. You're not going to believe it but they actually managed to do everything I ordered them to although Applejack's idiot sister wound up loosening a bolt on the bridge rather than tightening it. Oh well, I'll just stay off that bridge and everything will be fine. If I'm lucky, maybe one of these hicks you are trying to force me to befriend will cause it to collapse and then they will drown, meaning they would have to be replaced!

And then what happened, I have a feeling that I was trolled. Cerberus left his post and you know, he just doesn't do things like that. I have a feeling that YOU lured him out with dog bones or something just so I will have to be inconvenienced by some evil creature from Tartarus later on and you'll probably expect me to befriend these losers I hang out with without initiating them! Speaking of a pony I need to initiate, PETA girl somehow managed to calm that mutt down so I could haul his ass home.

I know you were probably up on your balcony watching me deal with this shit, stuffing your face with cake and laughing as I got more and more nervous about the upcoming disaster. What pisses me off the most though was my dunce acquaintance never calibrated my telescope and I thought I had blinded myself! Naturally I finally decided I had to stop time to prevent the upcoming disaster.

Now I have one serious question, why weren't the guard ponies or you surprised to see that I had gone into the Archives, particularly the Starswirl wing? It seems almost as though you expected to see me there, like you had some sort of sixth sense telling you that I was going to be there.

Now I didn't want to go through that horrible week again so I tried using Starswirl's time travel spell to go back and tell myself to not worry but stupid past me had to try and play twenty questions. What an idiot I was when I went back to visit myself. Thinking about it, I should have just smacked her, yelled at her that there would be a disaster unless she initiated PETA girl no matter what and been done with it. Oh no though, I just didn't have the sense to do that now did I.

Now that I think about it, Starswirl's spell sucks. Seriously, it can only take you a week back and just for a few minutes. What a shame I couldn't travel back as far as I wanted for as long as I wanted. If I could have, I would have went back, told myself about how you were going to banish me and said that if I went to Moondancer's party, I wouldn't get banished to this dump. That way I could have avoided you making my life miserable and had friends that put out, not some PETA member who is too dumb to know what is good for her.

My advice though, take this spell and burn it. Starswirl was sub-par when it came to time spells to start with so no need to keep this thing around. And on a final note, Spike shit all over the place in the archives so you might want to clean that up.

Your Time Traveling Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Time Traveling Student,

Just when I thought your meltdown over the friendship letter took the cake, this was even funnier. I can't believe you would freak out over not making time in your schedule to make another schedule. I am very disappointed in you yet again, if you had even a tenth as much common sense as I thought you did, you would have either simply decided to stay up late one night to make time for it OR you would have said, "Fuck this shit, I don't need a schedule." I didn't raise you to be such an idiot Twilight, I would replace you but I enjoy not only making your life miserable, but those acquaintances of yours as well.

I am going to give you some advice, you might want to limit Spike's ice cream intake because there is one thing you don't know about baby dragons. Yes they can stuff their face for nearly a week and hold it in quite well, but once they have to go they will shit all over the place. Regarding the shit, that ain't my problem. YOU will either clean up that shit or I'll make sure you never see Twinkleshine again, got it?

Oh and another thing, I thought you would be bright enough to not stare at the sun through a telescope. That is another thing I am greatly disappointed over. Had I known you would pull some of the shit you have, I would have not let you into my school because you doing idiotic things like that makes ME look bad. I suppose we both better hope that your acquaintance who may have ADHD doesn't tell anypony about it. If she does, parents may not want to send their kids to my school anymore. If that does happen, not only will you be punished, but your parents' taxes will be quadrupled as well.

Regarding the time travel spell, yeah I think Starswirl really half-assed that one, it could be better, much better. I have a feeling that someday, somepony with a lot more smarts than you have, somepony I will hold very dear, will come along and perfect it but for now, I'll just lock it up so you won't be going back a week and causing yourself unnecessary stress.

Your Disappointed Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Regarding Cerberus escaping and me trolling you, I plead the Fifth.

Author's Note

Celestia lured him out, she trolled Twilight!

Dragon Quest

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, I am going to make an admission and you are probably going to wonder if I'm not some clone and the real me died or something. I made a mistake, a very stupid mistake. I decided that we should all watch the dragon herd fly over our airspace and hope that none decide to stop and go into a coma in a mountaintop cave again. Now all of a sudden Spike has decided he needs to find out what it means to be a dragon. I smacked him and told him it meant he was my slave but that simply wasn't enough.

All night long he bitched and whined and after we could find any information to satisfy his hunger for dragon knowledge, the idiot decided to go out to the dragon lands and find out for himself. Now naturally I was simply going to let him go and contact you about a replacement but my idiot acquaintances just had to insist we follow him. Now I think Rarity MUST have a crush on him because she basically demanded we go. What a shame she wouldn't have offered to put out for him, that would have caused him to stay put in nothing flat.

Good grief, once we got out there I learned that the stupidest creatures on the face of the planet are teenage dragons. Is there some sort of spell that I could cast on him to prevent him from ever aging into such a stupid, undesirable creature? If so, please send it to me because I really don't want to have to wait around for the mail in the event you were to send me a message summoning me up to Canterlot permanently because that is something I certainly wouldn't want to miss.

Now what I don't get is why Spike would wind up wanting to hang around those undesirables forever. Yes they had a decent sized pile of gems but still, the dumb asses would run out and then Spike would go whining about wanting to come home. At that moment I felt like saying, "Fuck this shit, let's go home" but Rarity and Rainbow just wanted to stay around and make sure he came home. After several hours of pleading, I finally decided that my portable mail box served enough of a purpose that he was worth saving.

Ultimately we did save him but I was not thrilled over him initially going to smash a phoenix egg nor was I thrilled with him phoenixnapping the egg afterwards. Once the damn thing was born, it shit all over the place so I made Spike return it to its parents. After this, I decided to lock him up in my dungeon for a few weeks to punish him for causing me so many problems, not to mention me putting my life on the line for the little bastard.

Irritated with My Idiot Dragon,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Irritated Student,

I am going to tell you this right now, I am not thrilled that you allowed your slave to go out into the dragon lands like that. I am even less thrilled that you wanted him to go out there alone. I am normally not a fan of Crash or Rarity, I am happy that they wanted the three of you to follow him out there to keep him from falling prey to a much larger dragon.

And like I have said so many times before, if you were to lose Spike like that, I would not give you a replacement nor would I be mailing you a letter telling you to come home, I would however come down there, evict you from the library and force you to be Rarity's full time fashion model since I know you'd love the attention so much. If you honestly think I will ever allow you to come home, you are far dumber than I thought.

Now regarding the spell to keep him from becoming a teenage dragon or at least behaving like one, don't give him stuff or let him start collecting stuff. If that situation involving his birthday and becoming a world class thief didn't teach you anything, nothing will. I will let you know this, once dragons mature past being a baby, they are completely worthless. Once they mature like that, they can't cough up messages anymore nor do they know how to behave or live among us ponies.

Regarding the phoenixnapping, it is a good thing that you made him return that hatchling to its parents. Had you not done so, I would have went out, found the parents and had them attack both of you before having them head for home with their baby. I am glad that Spike finally realized that who he is is more important than what he is. Like I said before, baby dragons are good messengers but once they start to grow up, they are worthless. I will be honest, if you didn't need adult dragons to make more baby dragons, I'd simply kill every dragon that had matured past being a baby.

Irritated With Your Dragon,

Princess Celestia

Hurricane Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

Oh joy, here we go with your shitty weather once again. In this not so infinite wisdom of yours, you have decided that us ponies, well the lesser pegasi anyway, are going to have to transfer water from our reservoir up to Cloudsdale to provide water for the whole damn nation. Seriously Tia, that little amount of water for the whole damn continent? I could probably just piss on the ground and it would suffice but oh no, thanks to you and Luna, ponies have to go through hell just so it will rain in this country.

Now let's not forget that out of all the ponies down here, most of them seemed excited for one, the one I hope to initiate as a friend some day. Seriously though, she honestly thought that faking pony pox would actually get her out of having to help with this worthless endeavor. What a pathetic bitch, she could have at least come up with something more original. Hell, she could have just joined me in the library and everything would have been perfect. I would have won, she would have won, everypony would have won. What a shame she didn't do that, right?

As it turns out, Fluttershy can't fly worth shit and when it came to trying to measure her speed, she was just barely able to fly by the anemometer. What a pathetic little bitch, she went home and instead of trying to work up her wing power, she went and cried her eyes out to those stupid animals of hers. I tell you, despite me really hoping to initiate her someday, she is pathetic, truly pathetic.

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but Rainbow Crash's crush decided to show up with a jumbo sized anemometer to gauge the speed of the pegasi as they do the water transfer. Ugh, this has to be the stupidest damn thing I have ever taken part of. Now for what is really irritating, while Crash and company were up there trying, and failing, in getting a tornado going, Spitfire just sat there on her dead ass and did nothing.

Yep, you heard me right, she is a lazy bitch and did absolutely nothing. Those idiots were sitting there at 795 and all they needed was five more measly points to hit 800 but oh no, that would be asking too much of that showboat. Now you're really not going to believe this, Fluttershy actually got her ass to the reservoir and aided in creating the tornado. So now instead of everypony mocking and laughing at Fluttershy, now all of a sudden they are wanting to lick her pussy clean for her. It must be so nice to have ponies adoring her for a change. What a shame that they don't adore me though, all they ever do is bitch and complain because they envy my superiority.

Now do you think I could just come home now? I aided in their stupid winter wrap up, I aided in their stupid Running of the Leaves and now I have aided in their moronic water transfer. I think I have done more than enough to prove that I am worthy of being freed of this Faust-forsaken hellhole. Now I just hope that my study tower is still how I remember it, nice, clean and ready for my old friends to come and give me the love I deserve!

Still Wanting to Come Home,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Did you see what we did? We were able to lift tons of water up to Cloudsdale thanks to my number one flyer, Fluttershy! Now only if she would be Twilight's number one friend, we'd be all set!

Sincerely,

Rainbow Dash

To My Student Who Wants to Come Home,

Forget it Twilight, you can't come home. All you ever do is bitch, bitch, bitch. You bitch about the earth ponies, you bitch about the pegasi, you bitch about other unicorns and you constantly bitch about your acquaintances. Sometimes I honestly wish I could just throw you in Tartarus, find some other unicorn to go down there and just leave it at that. The reason I haven't yet is because I'm too nice and caring. I simply couldn't bear tearing you away from the ponies you despise so much nor could I fathom rewarding them by evicting you from their lives.

Regarding the water transfer though, it is pretty damn stupid. Yes I know, I know. I know you're probably pissed that we can't do things the normal way and allow the water to evaporate on its own but remember, Luna and I wanted to lower the number of droughts so that is why we put ponies in charge of doing shit like this. Yeah it sucks to be anypony except for myself or my sister but oh well, shit happens.

Now I do think that PETA girl really needs to work out those wing muscles and quit being such a whiny little bitch. Seriously, I was watching from up here and good grief, not only is she a chickenshit but she can hardly even fly....oh wait, I suppose I should say she DOESN'T WANT TO TRY. I remember how fast she flew when it was either go into overdrive and catch Crash or Discord's chaos would have been eternal. She just needs a little push and I think perhaps you should have FORCED yourself on her. Maybe a little bit of pleasure would have got her ass in gear and convinced her to fly right.

I suppose it is decent that those peons finally got the water up to Cloudsdale but it is certainly nothing to write home about. Perhaps in the future those low lives will be able to do more than just barely get their wing power up to 800. It would make their lives a whole lot easier if they could. Could you do me a favor though and tell those idiots who got the feather flu to suck it up? Hey, I still have to raise the sun when I'm sick so the same should apply to them and lifting water up to Cloudsdale.

Now look, I know you are envious of Fluttershy because all of a sudden everypony is now wanting to give her oral and make her one happy mare. Look at it this way though, at least you have the spa twins down there to cater to your every need. It could be worse, much worse! In an ideal situation even they wouldn't find you worthy of affection but hey, some ponies have horrendously low standards and in the case of them, NO STANDARDS at all.

Knowing They Could Have Done Better,

Princess Celestia

Dear Crash,

Don't tell me you actually think Fluttershy is your number one flyer. She was just barely able to get that jumbo anemometer above 800 so no, she isn't your best flyer. And for right now, don't count on her becoming Twilight's number one sex toy, I mean friend. She is too damn concerned with those stupid animals and not nearly enough with my bitchy student's needs. Could you PLEASE tell her to just let Twilight initiate her so she'll shut up. It would greatly be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Princess "Twilight's Owner" Celestia

Ponyville Confidential

Dear Princess Celestia,

Right now I am not thrilled with some of the local fillies, that cutie mark cult in particular. Get this, in their fruitless quest to earn their cutie marks, they decided to become gossip writers for the local school newspaper. Yep, now I am convinced that the local schoolteacher is an idiot for allowing the school paper to become an even bigger rag than those tabloids you see at the grocery store.

Now at first I wasn't overly concerned, I actually found it humorous until lies began to be printed in there about not just me, but you and my acquaintances. I'll be honest, I wanted to take those fillies and haul them out to Tartarus myself but I figured that I would consult you on what to do with them. What is truly bad is they made up lies about me being a Canterlot snob and claimed that Spike told them those lies. Had they continued to print lies about me, I would have sued that school for libel and what would I have wanted? I would have wanted Cheerilee as a full-time "friend." She is hot and would make a perfect toy after all.

Like the rest of this dump, I got to where I hated those three and wanted to put them out of their misery but knowing you, you would probably force me to live with Rarity, force me to take Pinkie in or some other punishment so severe that it would make either Tartarus or the moon look not half bad.

Ultimately those little bitches apologized with one final piece in the paper before The Foal Free Press returned to being boring as hell and never saw the light of day outside of Ponyville again. Now their sisters wound up forgiving them but I have not. It will take a lot more than a mere public apology to cause me to not want to kill them the next time I see them. Maybe if I'm lucky they will try to kill me and I can then kill them in self defense and then have filly burgers.

One more thing I need to tell you. They wound up getting a hold of a picture of you stuffing your face with cake and added the headline, "Princess Celestia digging herself an early grave, Luna to be crowned queen before the year is out."

I would advise you kill them and give me the meat. I am hungry and if you punish them that way, other ponies would know not to print libelous claims about us.

Your Filly Meat Craving Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

We are sorry that we wound up digging dirt up on you and printed that picture of you. However, we would like to admit that Twilight is right, you do like your cake more than you should. Also, we can't help but wonder if you are as big of a bitch as she claims and we especially wonder if you screw her old friends like she told us you do on multiple occasions. Anyway, Twilight can be a bitch most of the time but she does tell us plenty of bad stuff about you so listening to her whine and complain about you is worth it.

Sincerely,

Gabby Gums (aka Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo)

P.S. If you are going to punish anypony, punish the staff photographer, Featherweight. He is the one who took the picture of you stuffing your face with cake and digging yourself an early grave.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to apologize for what my students printed in the school newspaper. Those three have angered many ponies but I do want to let you know something that should sooth your anger. I demoted the editor in chief to a lowly printing press position, I promoted the staff photographer to editor in chief and the cutie mark crusaders have promised to no longer spread any gossip. I hope this will be enough to spare any of us your wrath.

Your Loyal Subject,

Miss Cheerilee

To My Filly Meat Craving Student,

What is it with you wanting to eat foal meat all of a sudden? You wanted to fatten one up and haul it to the taxidermist after Nightmare Night, you wanted to do the same at Hearts and Hooves Day and now this? Look, I can understand that you are angry over them printing things that portray you in a negative light. Spike may not have said those things but they are right you know. You ARE a Canterlot snob so it most certainly would not be libel.

However, I am not thrilled that those little cunts wound up printing something negative about me! Now I have that paper and I am not one bit thrilled. I am already contemplating what I am going to do and if I didn't give a shit about my public image, I would not only kill those three but I would also wipe out the staff photographer and Luna and I would feast on foal flesh. Hell, I'd kill the editor of the paper too since she let it be published and regarding Cheerilee, I plan on hitting her where it will hurt the most, her pocketbook.

I will let you in on something, I do have a punishment planned for those foals but it will not result in you getting foal meat. Yes I am pissed over what they did, very pissed but like I said above, I don't want to do something that may lead to any uprisings or ponies calling for me to abdicate over cannibalism and allow my sister to take over. That would be almost as bad as letting you come home. Key word though, almost!

Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Had you killed those foals, I would not have forced you to move in with Rarity or forced you to take in Pinkie. Even I would not be that harsh in this situation but I would have had no problems taking the spa twins away from you so I have some advice. Don't kill any of the foals down there, alright?

To the Cutie Mark Cult,

You little bitches just won't learn, will you? I would have thought that you would know to behave after you had my sister overseeing you cleaning the castle for two weeks. Guess what, this time it will be much worse. It won't happen right away but it won't be long until I summon you three, that staff photographer along with your editor in chief to come up here to Canterlot where you will be forced to clean the castle from top to bottom every single day for six months straight, with my sister overseeing you. I will make damn sure you and your cohorts stop with this shit, alright?

Soon to Be Your Master (Again),

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am not thrilled that Twilight has told you lies about me screwing her old friends. You have to understand, she is just upset that she can't have Twinkleshine anymore and is simply trying to make you three think badly of me. Yes I am a harsh disciplinarian as is my sister but you should know that I would never engage in such activities. Don't buy into Twilight's lies because if you do, you most certainly will not like the results.

To Miss Cheerilee,

Listen bitch, I am not one bit happy with what your students have been publishing lately nor is anypony else. All I have to say is you better be glad that those foals didn't publish anything bad about Luna or all of them and you would be experiencing a permanent solar vacation right now.

Now while I have come up with punishments for the students involved in printing libelous claims against not just myself, but many of the serfs down there, I have some rather harsh punishments for you. For the shit you allowed to happen, I am hereby taking away your pension, increasing all of your taxes tenfold and I am fining you fifty thousand bits.

Please make a check payable to the Equestrian Revenue Service in the amount of 50,000 bits before next Friday or not only will I seize your house, but you will find yourself a new home, IN TWILIGHT'S BEDROOM AS HER PERMANENT SEX SLAVE!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

MMMystery on the Friendship Express

Dear Princess Celestia,

I do hope that you enjoyed the cake that was presented to you at the baked goods convention but one thing I did learn on the trip up here was that some of my acquaintances must not care if you punish them as they ate some of that cake was for you.

I know you're probably wondering why the hell there were bites taken out of it and it had a moose head on it and was also part donut and eclair. Well the bites came from some of my acquaintances being overwhelmed by ADHD girl's description of it and the moose head, donuts and eclairs were a result of sabotage on the parts of the other bakers.

I'm sure you're also wondering which of my acquaintances took bites out of your cake. It was Rainbow, Rarity and Fluttershy. I'm thinking I will let you handle Rainbow and Rarity but just let me handle Fluttershy. I'll punish her by forcing her to let me initiate her. After all, I would like more than just Aloe and Lotus as friends down in that Faust-forsaken place.

Now since I was a good pony and showed I care about you, despite me being really hungry last night, I did not take a bite out of the cake. Now if that isn't a sufficient reason to allow me to come home, I don't know what is. After all, not stealing one's mentor's cake is much more important than friendship, right?

Hoping You'll Let Me Come Home,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

We are so sorry that we took bites out of your cake. We will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, including making you an even better cake.

Hoping You Won't Punish Us,

Fluttershy, Rarity and Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am sorry that I fell asleep while guarding the cake last night but hey, at least you got to have some of it, right?

Your Loyal Subject,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Twilight,

Look, you can't come home! I don't know how many times I have to tell you this but you have not done anything worthy of me releasing you from your banishment. Also, I seriously do not want to deprive your acquaintances of having to put up with you. They, along with that whole damn town, are unworthy of being freed from your presence.

The only thing that would free you from having to put up with them is your death, and if I have my way, that won't happen for quite some time. Who knows, maybe some freak accident will cause you to live so long you'll drive everypony around you to suicide, which you would then be punished for severely.

I will admit though, I am glad that you didn't eat any of my cake but still, it will take more than that for me to release you from your punishment.

Not Letting You Come Home,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You can't even get Fluttershy to put out willingly and you honestly think that forcing yourself on her will make her want to be your friend? Look, she simply doesn't find you attractive so get over it. Besides, I have my own punishment in plan for her and your other acquaintances, one that will make them far more useful.

To Twilight's Hungry Acquaintances,

For eating some of MY cake, I have no choice but to punish you. I have decided that all of you will join some disobedient little brats during the off-season in cleaning the castle from top to bottom every day for six months straight. I will warn you that Luna will be overseeing your work and she has extremely high standards when it comes to job performance.

Long story short, if you don't want to wind up on the sun, you better do a good job.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To Pinkie Pie,

First you ate my cupcake when I brought Philomena down to Ponyville and now you ate almost my entire cake. What a little bitch you truly are. I have decided that for this, an off-season in Tartarus should suffice.

Angry You Ate My Cake,

Princess Celestia

P.S. In your desire to eat MY cake, you ate the blue ribbon too. If it kills you, I won't give a shit. I'll find some other mental defect to curse upon Twilight, your pathetic friends and that miserable place you come from.

A Canterlot Wedding

Author's Note

Starting with "A Canterlot Wedding," I will be doing the two part episodes as one chapter instead of two separate ones.

A Canterlot Wedding

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the fuck, I have a brother? I sure the hell don't remember that growing up before my parents decided to curse you upon me. So this brother, did he live with one of my aunts or uncles? That had to be the case because once I was born, I know my parents would have picked me because of my superiority. Oh well, if this is what the big brass at Hasbro wants so they can sell more toys, I suppose I'll play along, anything to keep the series going and glorify me even further will be worth it.

Oh and now this guy is marrying some princess I've never heard of and you honestly expected me to care? Yes I know my acquaintances are all excited for this but I'm just going to do what is expected of me. I'll make sure nothing goes straight to hell, which I'm sure it will since you're officiating the wedding, get it over with and go visit Twinkleshine or one of my other old friends for a bootie-call since I'll be in town.

And what the hell was up with all the security? The way you had that place guarded one would think that I was marrying Twinkleshine or Minuette for Faust's sake! I do have some advice, I'm certain that increase in security cost a small fortune so I would advise you bill this princess's parents or whatever miserable, pathetic place she came from. It shouldn't be up to the taxpayers to fund some stupid wedding.

After meeting this so-called "brother" I met the bitch she was supposed to marry and allegedly she was supposed to be my foalsitter. What the actual fuck? Memo to Hasbro, I did not have a foalsitter! I was so mature that I was going out in public on my own and putting lesser bitches in their place the day I got out of my diapers so no need to soil my name by making up this foalsitter claim.

About this princess, what a bitch! What the hell does this Shining Armor guy even see in her. My guess is that he knocked her up, she is having huge hormonal problems and he is being forced to marry her. No other way in Tartarus would anypony ever marry somepony with that attitude.

I'm going to let you in on something, I think she may have promised to initiate these acquaintances as friends because all of a sudden they are bowing down and licking the shit off of her ass while I am trying to convince them that she is a bitch and that this Shining Armor, despite me not knowing him, should leave her. Yeah he'd have to pay foal support but that would be preferable to suicide after three months of putting up with this Mi Amore Cadenza.

Now about that practice ceremony, here I was trying to protect this idiot from a future that involved suicide and he got mad at me for calling that bitch evil! What an ungrateful bastard he is, maybe I should just have said, "Screw this shit, I'm going to find one of my old friends and have some fun." Of course this was one of my stupid moments and I decided to give a shit.

On top of that, those lowly acquaintances of mine got pissed at me and so did you. I would think you would be able to see that I was right, that that princess was nothing more than an evil bitch. Now for the proof, that cunt wound up using some freaky spell to throw me into these caves under the city that nopony knew about.

About these caves, I'm actually glad I got sent down there because I found a pony that looked just like that bitch down there, except that this one was nice. Now this one claimed to be my foalsitter but we all know that was a lie since I never needed one. Given that this one was the one who was really supposed to marry that pony who is allegedly my brother, I saw an opportunity.

Since she was supposed to become my sister-in-law, I decided to see if she wanted to be my friend and you're not going to believe this. All it took was a few sweet words and a seductive smile to bag her. We initiated one another right down there in the caves and damn she is good! I'm honestly thinking of telling Shining Armor that Cadence is a ho and how easy she was to seduce. Maybe then he will leave her and she can become my live-in, full time sex sla....., I mean friend.

As you know, we eventually made it up there to stop the wedding. We would have made it there sooner but when you're having fun, you lose track of time. Now I do have one question for you, when Chrysalis finally revealed herself, how is it that she was able to knock you out cold? You are supposed to be the most powerful pony out there yet this pony-bug hybrid put you in your place? Talk about pathetic, absolutely pathetic. Hell all I would have needed was a can of Raid and I could have taken her down.

I think I have finally realized why you expect me and my acquaintances to take on these villains. It is because you are weak, horribly weak. A glorified bug beat you and its minions put you in a cocoon so of course we had to go and get the Elements but you see, even we couldn't stop an army that large. Now naturally I thought Equestria was fucked and we'd all be enslaved by a bug but because of love energy of all things, she and her army were defeated and I wouldn't be denied the things that I need the most.

I have some advice for you Celestia, you might want to get better security and discover methods to tell changelings apart from the real deal and when it comes to Cadence, the method would be simple, see if she would put out for me. If she would, then it is Cadence but if not, then it is a changeling.

Your Princess Seducing Student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Now that I've bagged Cadence, next up is Luna. Given that she is a friend of mine, I'm sure seducing her will be a piece of cake!

To My Little Seductress,

Wait a minute, you actually managed to screw Cadence just like that? Now I know for sure that you are right, she is a ho. You can't even get PETA girl to put out but you cause a princess to fold like a lawn chair? I suppose I should be impressed but I'm not. The fact that you had the audacity to screw Cadence while your brother was about to marry a fraud sickens me.

What if you and Cadence hadn't got up here in time? I would have remained imprisoned in goop, Equestria would have been enslaved by a freaky bug/pony hybrid and you probably would have never had another spa appointment again in your miserable, pathetic life.

I'm quite sure though that family get-togethers are going to be very awkward for you and Cadence. Most everypony will be enjoying one another's company while you and Cadence will be nervous, very nervous. You two will be sticking together like glue, giving one another seductive looks and everypony will know something is going on. Everypony will know you're waiting for the right moment to go and screw each other and when you do, they'll follow and catch you.

Just think about your poor brother Twily, he will divorce Cadence over it, lose his role as a prince and then chances are Cadence will want to marry you and you'll become Princess Twi........No, just no. That is the last thing I need, you being a princess. You are already too much of a narcissistic, self-absorbed cunt to start with. If you ever wound up having that fancy title in front of your name, you'd be a hundred times worse than you are already.

I'm going to give you this advice and I shall do the same with Cadence, don't go acting weird around others when you're together, alright? I'm pretty sure neither one of you want to see a stallion, especially one as honorable as Shining Armor, having his heart crushed and suddenly having every single pony in the country despise you more than the most hated villains in pony history.

How about this, go to the spa more often and keep your hooves off of Cadence. The last thing we need is a royal scandal involving a princess screwing her sister-in-law. I say this because it might make ME look bad and if you are responsible for making me look bad, your punishment will be very harsh. My sister has a spell to banish ponies to the sun and I might just let her use it on a disobedient little seductress.

Making Sure to Keep You in Line,

Princess Celestia

The Crystal Empire

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, once again you have decided to troll me and I am not one bit pleased. You had me terrified that you were going to give me some sort of exam that if I flunked that you would send me back to magic kindergarten, banish me to the moon or force me to be Rarity's full time fashion model. My first thought was, "Fuck this shit, I'll just move into the spa and become Aloe and Lotus's full time sex slave."

So the Crystal Empire has returned and you decided to send my brother along with my weekend bootie-call up there? That right there is proof that you are a trolling bitch. Yes the spa twins are great but screwing my sister-in-law and making my brother envious is so much more satisfying.

Now here I was supposed to go and save that place and take my acquaintances to help. At that moment, I knew it was going to be a disaster. I'll admit, had you not sent my bootie call up there to watch over that place, I would not have cared. Want to know why? I wouldn't have cared because those crystal ponies are nothing more than glorified earth ponies that sparkle when they're happy. Had they been unicorns, I would have wanted to put everything I could into saving their flanks.

So King Sombra has returned to enslave these hacks, so what? Once I got a good look at them I kind of wondered why he would even want them as slaves. What would he have them do, hold axes in their mouths and dig for coal or something? That is proof that he wasn't that bright of a villain, at least Grogar kidnapped the unicorns from Dream Valley. Now he was smart, he knew that unicorns were the only race capable of getting anything done in a timely manner.

Once I found out that my task would be to find the crystal heart and get it to Cadence, I wasn't overly thrilled. I would have much rather ate something with a crystal heart on it and made it beg for mercy. Unfortunately, my weekend bootie-call was draining herself of her magic just to keep these pathetic ponies from becoming slaves to a puff of smoke with a head.

One thing I did learn though is that using dark magic can be quite fun! I opened a door into a deep bowel in the castle and then saw you throwing me out of your school. Sweet, I was thinking that finally I could get away from you, leave that backwards place you banished me to and perhaps explore Equestria and start seducing the hottest mares in the country. Now that would have been lots of fun! What a shame it wound up only being a vision thanks to Sombra's magic.

Now I don't know if Sombra liked playing with Slinkies or what but he had an obsession with stairs and thanks to my superior magic, I was able to get Spike and I up to retrieve the heart. When I saw that thing I was honestly thinking of simply taking it back home with me and selling it. I'm sure I could have got a ton of money for that thing but I figured that if I wanted to keep Cadence as a bootie-call, I had best take it to her. What a shame, I could have used the point of that thing to give not only her, but myself more pleasure than we could ever dream of.

Of course then I got stuck in that tower when I tried to get that heart but then the worst possible thing happened. I told Spike to take the heart to Cadence but I did not tell him that he could take all the credit and glory for saving that damn place. I have a bad feeling that Spike will fall prey to a massive ego boost once those crystal ponies wind up discovering it was him who took Cadence the heart.

Now I am going to admit that I feel a bit bad for Sombra, not only did he fail to enslave an inferior group of ponies and only got to spend ten or so seconds in pony form, but this crap known as GAK got more airtime than him. What that shit is exactly I'm not sure of but whatever it is, it will likely be the next villain that you will make my acquaintances and I deal with.

You want to know what pisses me off? You decided to be a true bitch and gave Spike his own stained glass window. What the actual fuck? Look, had I not gone up there and missed out on spa time, he would not have been there to save their asses. You need to get your priorities straight and realize who the real hero is, ME! It wasn't my fault that I didn't know I'd get stuck in the tower!

Ugh, now everypony that visits your castle will think he is the greatest thing since sliced cake. I just hope the hell those crystal ponies never erect some sort of monument dedicated to him. If they do, his level of narcissism will probably either rival or surpass Crash's and I certainly don't want to have to live with that.

Suddenly Having to Put Up With a Narcissistic Dragon,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I just wanted to let you know that I threw my wife for a touchdown and we wound up beating King Sombra 7-0. I know my sister was cheering for Sombra but oh well, she'll get over it. She got over Chrysalis's defeat, Discord's defeat and Nightmare Moon's defeat. I can only hope that these villains she cheers for all the time don't wind up winning.

Sincerely,

Prince Shining Armor

Dear Spike,

We thought that since you saved us, that we will erect some sort of monument to celebrate your saving us. Next time you and Twilight are up here, we'll make sure you are treated like royalty while we will simply treat her like some inferior species, like a mule.

Thanking You For Saving Us,

The Crystal Ponies

To My Narcissistic Dragon Owning Student,

Guess what, you FAILED your test! I should have known that a lowly little grub like you couldn't pass even the most simple of tests. Thank goodness you had Spike up there with you to save your flank like he always does or I would not have been a happy camper and you would have lost your weekend bootie-call.

However, I have decided to let you continue your studies because I simply couldn't bear the thoughts of taking you away from those acquaintances you can barely tolerate and I certainly don't want to reward them for being just as big of failures as you by taking you away from them. Maybe someday they will do something worthy of me purging you from their lives but I'm not going to count on it.

Yes, Spike is quite the hero isn't he? It is odd really, I give you a test but he is the one who passes it. Now I would let him come home and be free of being your slave but if I did that, harassing you would be much less efficient and I certainly don't want that. Feel free to tell him that too, let him know that despite saving the Crystal Empire, that he is still undeserving of being freed from slavery.

I do want to let you in on a secret, since you failed that exam and your acquaintances didn't do any better, my sister and I are already making plans on how to make your lives even worse, very fun plans.

Your Disappointed Teacher,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I couldn't help but notice that Rarity put her hoof over yours as the train was pulling out of Canterlot. You will have to let me know if you either initiated her or if she simply threw herself out to you. Be sure to share with me the raunchiest, kinkiest moments of your encounter. Now if you fail to get her in bed, I will be more disappointed than I already am.

To Prince Shining Armor,

Actually you only won 6-0. I never saw you kick the extra point in your victory. Now I would advise you quit throwing Cadence around like she is a football though because I'm sure if she got injured, Twilight would be very upset about you injuring her weekly bootie-call and I certainly don't feel like listening to her bitch about it in her letters to me.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Crystal Ponies,

Sweet! I do hope that you treat Twilight like the insignificant commoner that she is next time we come up there.

Sincerely,

Spike

P.S. Please do erect a statue or monument glorifying me. It is always so fun to see Twilight get agitated over nopony ever caring about her.

GAK Attack Special

Dear Princess Celestia,

Remember that GAK shit I was telling you that got more airtime than poor King Sombra. I don't know how it happened but it managed to get into Equestria and was wiping out the Everfree Forest! As it approached, we could all hear it saying, "Gak, gak, gak! Gak, gak, gak!"

Given that it was leveling the forest as it was approaching the town, I knew something had to be done because I didn't want to see the spa twins lose their business nor did I want to fall prey to this crap. As far as everypony else went, I didn't care. I truly wanted it to destroy their homes and kill them but to save the spa twins, I knew I had only one option, use my magic on it.

But then I remembered one thing, the spa twins were out of town so I figured that perhaps this would be my chance to finally be free. Now all of these acquaintances must be dumber than I thought. As it got closer and closer to town, the chant of "Gak, gak, gak. Gak, gak, gak!" continued to get louder.

To get them to come see this ooze, I lied to them. I told PETA girl it was an endangered animal, I told ADHD girl it was a party ooze, I told Applejack it was apple fertilizer, I told both Rarity and Spike it spewed out gems and I told Crash it was a steroid that would increase her speed. Being the idiots they were, they jumped right in front of it and almost immediately, it consumed them.

Once they were drowned in this ooze, it began to flow faster and I had to haul ass to get away from it. I finally got on the top of a hill and heard it's chant get louder, "Gak, gak, gak! Gak, gak, gak!" After fifteen minutes it had finally consumed Ponyville and its serfs. My immediate thought was, "I'm free! At long last, I'm free! Now I can go home and get some action from my friends!" I had never been more elated in my whole life.

It would not be long though until that elation turned into disgust. I saw energy of your color destroying the stuff, liberating Ponyville and freeing those inferiors from what would have been untimely yet appropriate deaths. Curse you Bitchlestia, curse you! I had one chance, I had one chance to finally be free from these losers but you just had to go and ruin things.

Why the hell couldn't you have just left well enough alone? Why couldn't you have let that ooze claim its victims and survive? Why couldn't you have just let me come home? Once again you have proven yourself to be nothing more than a trolling bitch, a trolling bitch who delights in making me be miserable.

To My Glory Deprived Student,

You know what? You should be happy that I saved Ponyville and its inhabitants. You should be happy because had I not intervened, you would have had nothing to bitch about anymore and your sex toys would have had no home to return home to and thus, you would have had nopony to screw.

I am going to let you in on another thing, let's say you had got away but that town got destroyed and your acquaintances had died, I would have banished you to Appaloosa and forced you to live in a place that is hundreds of times worse than Ponyville ever was. If you honestly think I'll ever let you come home you must be dumber than ADHD girl and Crash combined. Sometimes I wonder why I ever kept an idiot like you around anyway when Moondancer would have been a far better protege.

Also, I will demand that Ponyville throw me the most lavish party ever and YOU will be the one who sets it up and makes sure it goes off without a hitch. Also, if you even think about skipping town, those spa twins will be relocating to the palace up here and operate a private spa for me and only me.

I am also assuming that you failed to get Rarity into bed despite her obviously showing interest in you. You truly are pathetic since you couldn't get her in bed after her display of affection. Damn it sucks to be you. You better be glad the spa twins have absolutely no standards or you would have nopony to screw down there.

Disappointed in you AGAIN,

Princess Celestia

Too Many Pinkie Pies

Dear Princess Celestia,

Here we go again, Pinkie Pie is proving that her ADHD is getting worse. I was practicing my magic and there is Pinkie running around being a complete idiot and having this desire to give me a hug. Seriously, why the hell does she want to give me a hug? If she thinks she is going to get into my coat she is sadly mistaken. I have very high standards and out of all these acquaintances I have to deal with, only PETA girl meets them.

After running her off I tried working on turning an apple to an orange until she had to show up again and I wound up turning some critter into an orange. Oh well, shit happens and I honestly didn't care. It's not like turning birds and frogs into oranges is going to hurt anything.

Now what made me realize that she is even dumber than I ever imagined is that she thought she could get from Sweet Apple Acres and help with a damn barn raising to some pond where Crash was going to be jumping in the water in a matter of seconds. I swear, I honestly think that she has a serious crush on Crashie. Maybe if I'm lucky she will leave me alone and go and try to get in her coat instead. I've known she's wanted to get in her coat ever since she was jealous of Gilda but I haven't said anything about it.

Ugh, what happened next? The little bitch decided to make copies of herself in the mirror pool so she can make all our lives hell at the same time. I am honestly thinking you need to replace the Element of Laughter down here with Minuette. Not only is she always happy, but she is more rational, she is a member of the master race, she is hot and she is good in the sack. Yeah she is a little more dominating than I would like but that would still beat having to put up with a cotton candy maned idiot.

Now I know I normally don't give a shit about this town but I almost felt bad that Pinkie and her army of clones were making everypony miserable, almost. Good thing is, I found a way to send these annoying copies of her back into the mirror pool from which they came. The bad news, my other acquaintances didn't want me sending the real one back so I simply couldn't send them all back and then send you a letter saying to send Minuette down here ASAP.

Now how did I determine which one not to send one back? I decided to make them watch paint dry and whichever one paid attention the longest must be the one who wants to hang around, make my life hell and keep a sexy blue unicorn up in Canterlot. Unfortunately the real one was discovered and now she is back to annoying me along with my inferiors.

Listen, you know how dumb the pink one is. Just replace her because at some point we may have to actually face a villain that won't fold like a lawn chair or be defeated by dumb shit like love. Just replace them all. Think of it this way, if all six of us were unicorns, we could be defeating villains before breakfast, hell we could probably defeat a dozen of them all at once! Take that into account and once you have decided that my idea is better, which should be ASAP, send my old friends down here and we'll be all set! The villains would be begging us for mercy!

Annoyed By Pinkie,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Annoyed Student,

I am sorry, well not really, that you and that whole community were annoyed by the least intelligent of the Element bearers. Look, I know she ain't the brightest bulb in the box and is by far the most likely to annoy other ponies but I am not going to replace her, especially with the pony you want me to. Minuette has done nothing to warrant me banishing her to that eyesore and besides, she is one of my best students. There is another reason that I can't replace any of them except for Rarity with a unicorn. You know that if the whole two of each race thing is not adhered to, those Elements likely won't work and Equestria would really be screwed then.

Now I was watching from my balcony and I see what you mean regarding Pinkie wanting to get in Rainbow's coat. She has some serious issues, including an obsession over a sub-par flyer that really needs to be dealt with. That however is not my problem so I don't know why you're bitching to me about it. I'm sure there is likely a therapist down there that you could direct her to that would take care of this character flaw.

On a final note, I am going to let you know that I am extremely disappointed in you. I can't believe that the pony who was my star student couldn't even handle the simplest transfiguration spell. I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if that street magician that harassed you earlier could do that. Now normally I would kick such a sub-par unicorn out of my school but I don't want to take away the misery that you are going through, it is simply too entertaining.

Your Disappointed Overlord,

Princess Celestia

One Bad Apple

Dear Princess Celestia,

Once again I have been trolled by the writers, but only worse. It is bad enough when I get left out but this time I was relegated to the role of a damn background pony for about fifteen seconds and who do they give the attention to? They gave it to the cutie mark cult and some little bitch from back east that, from what I understand, wound up scoring with the rich little cunts that everypony down here hates.

What a terrible way to humiliate the primary character that this whole series was built around. What the hell should I expect from Cindy Morrow though? Leave it to her to humiliate me in such a way just so a bitch with a Manehattan accent can waltz in, spend a few days and then waltz on out hopefully never to return.

You know something, I can't help but wonder if you and Cindy don't work in cahoots to find ways to piss me off and troll me. You all know how important I am and are trying to break my spirit by focusing on ponies who don't deserve to be the focus of any episode. With any luck, Hasbro will fire her for making the only important pony irrelevant.

Angry I was Shit On,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Shit On Student,

Awww, is my widdle Twily all maddy waddy that she was relegated to being a background pony? Get over it Twilight, you should be glad that Cindy decided to give you the time of day given that normally she doesn't even consider you worthy of even being on screen. Now while I would like to meet this Cindy Morrow and congratulate her on making your life irrelevant, I'm not going to because she pulls the same shit with me too.

You know, you should actually be happy that she is leaving you out because that probably gives you more time to go to the spa and continue in your fruitless pursuit to initiate PETA girl. Speaking of her, I am still disappointed that you have yet to get that submissive little thing in bed. I would think that if you were truly as great as you claimed, you would have initiated her the moment you met her.

Maybe at some point Cindy will consider you relevant enough to have a minor speaking role in one of her episodes but for now, just deal with her thinking you are too sub-par to mess with.

Laughing Over Your Irrelevance,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I haven't heard about the spa twins in a couple of letters, did they learn how you can't initiate Fluttershy and decided you weren't worthy of them either? I really hope so because you aren't deserving of them, or anypony for that matter!

Author's Note

It ain't ironic Sweetie, its just a bitch.

Magic Duel

Dear Princess Celestia,

Here I thought everything was going to be fine and dandy but then an old foe of mine just had to come back, Trixie. When I first saw her I figured that you probably sent her to town simply to annoy me but then all of a sudden she has magical powers that rival yours. What the hell was going on there? It didn't take me long though to believe that you had cast some sort of spell on her to give her goddess tier powers simply to make me look like a joke.

Now I think you really need to punish her because she cast an age spell on a couple of the colts down here and when I couldn't reverse it, she ran me out of town! Now normally I wouldn't care about that but what if she would have done something to the spa twins, something horrible like making them her sex slaves. Now I would have been pissed had she done that and blamed you and your trolling ways for their suffering.

Now you are probably going to find this odd but I had to talk to Zecora about this! I, a powerful unicorn, had to seek advice on how to defeat Trixie from a zebra. Now luckily Fluttershy came out and told me about that amulet of Trixie's but I would still be disappointed. Once she was there, I had Zecora brew up a potion that made Fluttershy go into heat, and I mean an extreme heat so she would let me initiate her. I don't know what happened but despite being in heat, Fluttershy STILL wouldn't let me initiate her. I don't know what the hell is wrong with her but she certainly doesn't know what she is missing, little bitch anyway.

Now regarding the magical advice, Zecora simply told me to paint my friends to look like one another and have them jump out from behind statues. Seriously, she honestly thinks that is going to work and she honestly thinks her damn doorstop is going to pass for a magical amulet? Now I thought her idea was idiotic but I decided to placate her and go through with her plan.

Once I got back Trixie agreed to another duel and while I thought it was initially an idiotic idea, having my acquaintances paint themselves to look like each other and jump out from behind statues actually worked and that glorified street magician actually thought my "amulet" was real, took that Alicorn amulet off and put mine on. Dumb little bitch anyway, after that she back to her lame self. Had I been thinking I would have FORCED her to be my friend after she apologized but oh no, that just had to skip my mind. What a shame too, I'm sure that horn of hers would have given me plenty of pleasure.

I suppose all I can do is hope that the next time that little bitch comes to town is force her to give me the horn sex that I so desperately need. Trixie may be a bitch but I'll admit, she did make me really hot.

Suddenly Desiring Trixie,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

The Great and Powerful Trixie wants to thank you for giving her not only the money to buy that Alicorn amulet but also information as to where it was. She was able to go to Ponyville and cause Twilight a lot of stress, not to mention enslave the whole town. What was even better is that she was able to run Twilight out of town. While it didn't seem like it, The Great and Powerful Trixie is certain that she actually made those ponies happy!

Making the lives of those ponies miserable was so much fun, especially that whiny bitch Rarity when Trixie forced her to sew banners for her! However, The Great and Powerful Trixie is not thrilled that that zebra gave Twilight advice on how to fool her and take her amulet off. Because of Trixie's foolishness, she wound up getting ran out of town by your student. Next time though, Trixie will know not to be fooled so easily.

Disappointed,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

To My Trixie Desiring Student,

Once again I am extremely disappointed in you. Here you are my star student and yet you are shown up by a street magician. Yes she had that amulet but still, you should have been able to handle her. I am quite certain that one of your old friends would have been able to mop the floor with her and that amulet. Now normally I would force a failure like you to come home until you could get your magic skills up to par but I am not going to reward you like that. You don't deserve to come home over such incompetence, I think leaving you down there would be much worse on you.

I do hope that this isn't a sign that the next time a villain comes along that you won't stand a chance against him or her. If that is the case, then I suppose Equestria will simply be doomed and you will be to blame when the country falls into despair and we are all enslaved by some unsavory creature. I would advise though that you do some studying of the limited material you have in that library of yours, maybe next time around you won't have to resort to trickery and painting your acquaintances.

Severely Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I already think you are pathetic enough but you couldn't even get PETA girl in bed after Zecora gave her a potion that put her in heat. That right there is proof that you truly are a miserable, pathetic being. Hell even in heat, Fluttershy still had standards, damn it sucks to be you!

Dear Trixie,

I am going to admit, when I began to read your letter I was impressed, very impressed. The fact that you could waltz in there and put Twilight in her place made me happy for you. Also, you forcing that diva to sew your banners together was great but then you just had to go and disappoint me.

I gave you the money to buy that amulet and let you know where it is but then you allow Twilight's trickery to defeat you. That is pathetic Trixie, pathetic. I would think that even you would know that some random zebra is not going to possess something more powerful than the Alicorn amulet.

Now normally I would punish a pony for disappointing me like this but I shall spare the rod when it comes to you. I am sparing the rod because you are likely the victim of a sub-par education system and with any luck, the next time you come across Twilight you will be ready for her. For now though, just go home and cry on your mother's shoulder because I certainly won't be here to comfort you.

Disappointed in You Too,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

Proof that Twilight is Equestria's Messiah

Another feat of The Great and Powerful Trixie!

Sleepless In Ponyville

Dear Princess Luna,

I want to thank you for coming into my dreams and saving me from the headless horse. I do want to ask you of a favor though, could you please tell Rainbow Dash to stop telling scary stories when we go on our camping trips? I really don't want my friends to know I'm not the tough little filly they think I am. It would be much appreciated.

Your Loyal Subject,

Scootaloo

Dear Scootaloo,

Rainbow Dash and I are not all that close but I suppose I could enter her dream and tell her about your request. Whether or not she will listen I'm not sure but I do have a feeling your friends already know Rainbow's stories scared you so it may be all for naught.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

P.S. Don't worry, if you have more nightmares, I've got your back. The headless horse and the olden-pony are no match for me.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Here we go again, yet another episode without me in it. Who the hell do these writers think they are, just leaving me out like this? I'm honestly considering just walking out, going on strike and telling Hasbro that if they want me back, they will have to pay me big bucks, such as 25% of all toy sales of any figure or sets that include me....that and a romantic episode involving me and Fluttershy.

Given you know how I feel and are constantly left out, I'm pretty sure you know how I feel and can actually relate with me for a change, right?

Angry I was Left Out Again,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Crybaby Student,

Could you just quit your bitching already? Yes I know you are being excluded a bit more these days but still, you get a hell of a lot more airtime than I do. I would advise though that you don't go bitching demanding a pay raise because it ain't going to happen, God-Emperor Goldner does want a couple more yachts and another mansion after all and he ain't about to give that up just to calm a bitchy lavender unicorn down.

Just imagine if I made those demands, he'd have to sell all his stock in the company to pay me what I deserve and that would be a hell of a lot more than what you will ever be worth.

Hoping You'll Shut Up Already,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I think I know why you aren't being included in so many episodes. Your second mother, Lauren Faust, left the show after season two over creative differences between her and God-Emperor Goldner. Don't worry though, I'm sure a little less screen time will be worth it in the end.

Oh and on a final note, they aren't going to hook you and Fluttershy up so you'll just have to keep on trying to romance her off screen.

Author's Note

Sleep? Who needs sleep?!

Wonderbolts Academy

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well ADHD girl is once again proving that she must be replaced. Get this, she is more concerned over whether Crash gets accepted into the Wonderbolts Academy than she does. I know that you'll probably never tell me this but I have a feeling that Pinkie really wants to get into Crash's coat. Maybe I'll write Luna sometime and ask her because I can only imagine how lucid Pinkie's dreams are involving her.

After several days of freaking out and checking her mailbox, she conned the rest of us to take Crashie a care package up to the academy and thanks to some arrogant bitch, a tornado nearly caused my acquaintances and I to plunge to our doom, especially PETA girl since she temporarily forgot she had wings. Maybe Cloudchaser needs to "remind her" since she won't let me do what I want with her.

Normally I am not a fan of the Wonderbolts, especially Spitfire but at least she did put Lightning Dust in her place so I guess she isn't the worst pony out there, that title still belongs to you. Given that Fluttershy is still a bit traumatized, maybe I will finally get to initiate her as a friend.

Hoping I get PETA Girl in Bed,

Twilight Sparkle

To My PETA Girl Wanting Student,

You write to me to tell me about Crash getting into the Wonderbolts Academy. Listen Twilight, I don't give a shit, ok? Now I am not thrilled that you took her a care package when you should have brought a cake up to Canterlot, left it with one of my guards, headed home and went to the spa. I find it most unbecoming of you, especially since you do nothing but bitch about Crash and constantly put her down. Hell maybe you don't hate her like you claim to, maybe YOU want to join Pinkie in getting in her coat. If that is the case, I will know for sure that you have zero standards and will screw anything with a pussy.

On and regarding Fluttershy needing Cloudchaser to remind her she has wings, maybe you should join them. Perhaps Fluttershy would feel more comfortable if another pegasus is present. Regardless though, I'm not going to count on you succeeding in initiating PETA Girl.

Upset You Put Crash Ahead of Me,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am not going to replace Pinkie simply because of her messed up obsession with Crash. Yes it may be a huge liability having her on board but even if I were to replace her, it wouldn't be with who you would want. Deal with it Twily, it is either her or somepony you would hate even more.

Dear Lightning Dust,

You are a reckless bitch who cares about nopony but herself. You have no idea how funny it was to see Spitfire give me your lead pony medallion. Now do the world a favor and piss Princess Celestia off enough she will banish you to Tartarus or preferably the moon.

Hating Your Guts,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Crash,

You honestly think I care what you think? The only reason you got that lead pony medallion is because you probably promised Spitfire a night of fun if she booted me. Screw this shit, I'll prove my superiority someday, without Spitbitch's help.

Hating You More,

Lightning Dust

Dear Cloudchaser,

Thank you for catching me when I was falling to what was my doom. I was wondering if you would want to go out sometime. The least I could do to thank you is take you out to supper.

Hoping You'll Say Yes,

Fluttershy

Fluttershy,

Not just no but hell no! You honestly think I am going to go out with you when you had to have me catch you? You are a pegasus for Celestia's sake, you should have been able to just catch yourself. However, if you are looking for a date, I understand Twilight wants you so ask her.

Sincerely Hoping You'll Leave Me Alone,

Cloudchaser

Author's Note

The most memorable moment of "Wonderbolts Academy"

Apple Family Reunion

Dear Princess Celestia,

Damn it, it has happened again! Once again that bitch Cindy Morrow has excluded me from an episode so she can focus on the Apple Family. That is twice this season, twice! I am going to assume that you are having her do this to spite me. Seriously though, why the hell would some dumb family reunion involving the Apples be more important than me? Does she not know that I am Lauren Faust's ultimate creation? Without me, she would NOT have a job here because there would be no show.

However, I am not thrilled with Spike and his treasonous ways. He had the audacity to go and start a fire for the Apples yet they didn't invite me to do anything! They could have at least invited me to get a head count on the number of family members that came since none of them can count that high. What a bunch of assholes, maybe I should poison their damn cider the next time they have their big day.

Look at the bright side though, if I poison their next big batch of cider, it will kill this town off, you will have no choice but to let me come home and I'll be free of this shit.

Hoping I can Poison Some Cider,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Whiny Little Student,

Listen to me Twilight and you listen close. Once again you are bitching about something I have no control over and over an issue that I don't give a shit about. I get it, you are upset that Cindy Morrow despises you just like everypony else does but look at it this way, you could be in my situation and almost never get any screen time. Perhaps I should speak to the writers and get them to exclude you as much as they do me, that would definitely shut you up.

Oh and don't even think about poisoning that cider and killing off the whole town. If you do that, I will banish you to Appaloosa and force you to live with Braeburn and have him work you to death in that orchard they have down there. Remember that before contemplating mass murder.

Planning on Punishing You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack,

I know your family reunion turned out to be a disaster and your family is likely hoping that somepony else will be in charge of the next one. If they bitch to you too much about how bad it was, just threaten to invite Twilight to the next one and they'll shut right up.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Y'all should know that I'd never invite Twilight to a family event. For starters, she ain't family and I know my family would hate her as much as I do. To be honest, I'd invite Flim and Flam before I would that whiny little bitch.

Your Honest Subject,

Applejack

Author's Note

Productivity is overrated.

Sometimes the family tree has branches you never knew existed.

Spike at Your Service

Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to know something, why the hell did you give me twelve books to read when you knew that I had a special, 48-hour pampering appointment scheduled at the spa? I know you are jealous as hell that the spa twins give me pleasure on demand but still, that is no reason to troll me.

Thanks to you, I was going to have to hole myself up in the library and so I wouldn't be disturbed, I decided to cast Spike out so maybe, just maybe I could finish these damn books and at least get a few hours in at the spa on Sunday but thanks to an incident involving a runaway hot air balloon, some timberwolves and Applejack, my hopes of that were reduced to zero.

I am honestly thinking of seeing if I can trade Spike in on a more rational thinking model. Spike thought that just because Applejack saved his life that he owned her a life's debt of servitude to her when he knows damn good and well that the only master he has is ME! I'm thinking of maybe locking him up in my torture chamber and depriving him of being around Rarity for a while. That would teach him not to betray his true master.

If there was one thing I learned about this, Spike tried taking his dragon code a bit too far and couldn't even tell that he was not helping Applejack, he only made matters worse. From what Applejack told me though, Rarity seems to want a full time slave to do anything that she asks of them. Maybe if I'm lucky Rarity will find a way to save his life in the future and then I can get a newer model.

Could you do me a favor in the future, could you please check with me to see if I have anything scheduled before you send me a bunch of books and expect me to read them in nothing flat?

Your Spa Deprived Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Spa Deprived Student,

You honestly think I care if you had spa time scheduled or not? Look, you are my student, albeit my worst student, but if I send you books to read or ask you to engage in some other pointless, menial task you will do so. I must say though, Spike ain't the brightest bulb in the box trying to enslave himself to Applejack but hey, at least he didn't go and try to score with Rarity, right?

Now I have told you this before and I will tell you this again, you can not trade Spike in on a newer model like you would a stagecoach. I know he irritates you a lot but remember, he has saved your ass on more occasions that I can count. Most importantly, he helped prevent your weekend bootie-call from becoming one of Sombra's slaves. So remember, while he is an idiot 95% of the time, he can be somewhat useful once in a while so quit your damn bitching, ok?

Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Dear Spike,

I know Applejack saved your life and shit but that does not give you the right to abandon your master and cause her to bitch to me about it and wish she could trade you in. Do me a favor and forget your damn dragon code. I don't care who saves your life, you are Twilight's slave, got it?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Princess Celestia,

You know my dragon code is part of me and unlike Twilight, Applejack is not an overly demanding bitch all the time, she actually cares about others. I suppose after this, all I can hope for is for Twilight to die in some sort of accident, she will get sick of your trolling and run off or you will do Ponyville a favor and drop her as your protege.

Following My Dragon Code,

Spike

Author's Note

Who doesn't like a good back scratching?

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am going to ask you this and only ask you this once, why the hell did you bring Discord to Ponyville? Do you not remember how much he inconvenienced me the last time he caused me problems? Do you not remember how he made PETA girl such a bitch that even I was turned off to her? I get it, you are being your usual trolling bitch self but come on, aren't you afraid he will take control of your precious sun again? This right here is proof that you are just as much of an idiot as these morons down here are.

To make matters worse, you actually believed the mare I hope to initiate one day has the ability to reform him? Good grief, have you been sniffing paint or something? You know as well as I do that the sexiest of my acquaintances could NEVER reform someone like that. He is as big of a troll as you are and now I know why you had us turn him back into stone. It was not because he caused so much chaos, it is because he out-trolled you, he made your antics look like foal's play.

You know how he took Fluttershy's cottage and turned it into a spinning tree? I was initially happy because I thought that I could convince Fluttershy to move in with me, I could initiate her and then have a live-in "friend." Sadly that would not be the case so instead of a bunch of fun, we wound up going to a tea party with a dinner set that had to have been stolen from that buffalo looking thing in "Beauty and the Beast."

I'll admit, Discord does know how to have fun. I don't know why everypony threw such a fit over the apple farm being turned into a lake and then being frozen over. I thought that would cause the Apple Family to move to Appaloosa, shatter this Element shit you made me part of and then I could come home, return to ponies who are my friends and aren't either too unappealing or too stubborn to provide me with the love a friend provides her friends.

Now unfortunately, Fluttershy managed to reform Discord and now it is as though I don't even exist. I approached her about an initiation ceremony and she simply turned her nose up at me, her and Discord began making plans on eating more of my books and creating an army of demon rabbits to protect her cottage from me.

That right there is proof that not only is she a trolling bitch too, but also that she doesn't know what is good for her. Mark my words though, one of these days I will seduce her and she will finally realize what she has been missing since the night after we reformed your sister.

Hoping I Can Initiate Fluttershy Soon,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Could you please get Twilight to stop harassing me? I am getting sick and tired of her constantly wanting to force me into her bed. I just hope the demon rabbit army Discord's going to create will keep her out of my cottage.

Irritated With Twilight,

Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am so happy that you had Fluttershy, her friends and that bitch Twilight free me from my stone prison. I will keep my word to use magic for good but I am going to do whatever it takes to keep my first friend safe, even if it means trolling Twilight.

Happy to Be Free,

Discord

To My Fluttershy Desiring Student,

Ugh, here we go again, bitch, bitch, bitch. I took Discord to Ponyville for two reasons. One, I think his magic may prove to be valuable some day and I also thought that I would not only troll you, but all of you. Now yes I know that Fluttershy was an odd choice in trying to reform him but I figured that the pony who denies you all the time should be the one to prove you wrong, which she did.

I am happy that not only did she deny you again, but also that her and her new friend are coming up with ways to troll you and keep you out of her coat. Face it Twily, you're going to have to win Fluttershy's heart if you ever want to have that initiation ceremony and I don't see it happening. To be honest, I don't see anypony EVER wanting to be with you. You are a bitch, you are disrespectful, you are ungrateful and you can't live without all that pampering at the spa. Nopony is going to want to hook up with anypony that will be unwilling to commit to one pony.

Knowing You'll Never Get Fluttershy,

Princess Celestia

Dear Fluttershy,

You honestly think I'm going to be able to get Twilight to stop wanting to initiate you? Look, she thinks you're hot and wants more than just the spa twins. I do commend you on constantly turning her down. Keep it up, I love seeing her get agitated like this.

Oh and that demon rabbit army, that is going to be fun to hear Twilight bitch about, assuming they don't kill her.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To Discord,

When it comes to Twilight, troll away! Perhaps someday we can meet up and come up with a way to make that little cunt's life truly miserable, truly, absolutely miserable!

Hoping We Can Troll Twilight Together,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

Back before Discord and Fluttershy were friends.

Just for Sidekicks

Dear Princess Celestia,

I swear, Spike is not only an idiot but he is also a greedy little bastard. Seriously, he is charging us gems to watch over our pets while you are sending us to some mindless event in the Crystal Empire? We have been talking and for once we all agree on something, we hope Spike chokes on those gems if Opal doesn't kill him first.

Sincerely,

Twilight and Her Acquaintances

P.S. One good thing about going to the Crystal Empire, I'll get to do Cadence! Maybe this won't be such a useless trip after all. - Twilight

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can not believe what a pain in the ass these animals are. They did nothing but cause me and eventually the CMC problems. To make matters worse, they nearly gave us away on an unexpected trip to the Crystal Empire and worst of all, I wound up losing all my gems! I will say this right now, I'm never watching over those pets again.

Fed Up With the Animals,

Spike

Dear Princess Celestia,

A bunny sitting cutie mark, seriously? Spike actually thought I would want that? Now I can see my softy friends wanting one but come on, I would rather get one in demolition or something else more exciting. No way in hell would I want to be PETA girl's live in subordinate nor would I want to have to listen to her moan and squeal when Twilight finally initiates her. Luckily though, we didn't get caught and now my friends and I can go back to being little hellions in our attempt to get our marks.

Sincerely,

Scootaloo

To Twilight and Her Acquaintances,

Wait a minute, you all agreed on something for once? Perhaps there is hope for Twilight after all. Yes I know merely agreeing Spike is a greedy little bastard isn't going to make you all friends but it is a start! Oh and Rarity, don't you worry about Opal killing Spike. If she does, I'll just send another horny little dragon down to Twilight who will want to screw you. I'm not about to let you off the hook that easily.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To Spike,

Twilight and her acquaintances are right you know, you are a greedy little bastard. Regarding the animals, they weren't being a pain in the ass, they simply got together and decided to troll you. I'm so proud of them, I am hoping that this will teach you a lesson to not try and pawn those you promise to take care of off on somepony else.

What a shame Angel wouldn't have given you all away, seeing their reaction would have been priceless.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To Scootaloo,

I can understand why you wouldn't want a bunny sitting cutie mark. That would be boring as hell and I am assuming you'd rather be thrown into Tartarus than watch over critters, right? I think that is likely for the best because Twilight seems to have a thing for ponies who have animal talents and I certainly wouldn't want her to try and initiate you once you come of age.

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

@ Spike

Games Ponies Play

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have a question, why is it you want my acquaintances and I to go up to the Crystal Empire just to try and seduce some games inspector to give the Empire what amounts to the pony Olympics? I have much more important things to do with my life such as spa pamperings and attempting to initiate Fluttershy. I suppose since Cadence lives there, my time spent on this worthless endeavor won't be a total waste.

Soon though I would learn that the chances of me getting any alone time with my bootie-call would be zero because she had to get her mane styled by Rarity while I along with the rest of my acquaintances had to go and meet this Ms. Harshwinny at the train station and show her a good time. When I met her, no thanks. She shared way too many characteristics with Pinkie and she wasn't all that attractive. I will admit though, I had no clue what a pony with a chicken on her ass was doing being a games inspector.

Ugh, the damn castle tour was a disaster. Crash thought she had to be in charge despite her not knowing her way around the place. I did get to speak to my brother though and he was not exactly happy. He kept on bitching about how Cadence doesn't want any and all she can talk about is my horn. Good, maybe someday she will divorce him and become my full-time "friend."

After Chicken Ass got herself a good work out, we discovered that we gave our welcome to the wrong pony. Oh well, too bad, so sad, right? I personally didn't care that we likely blew the Empire's chances but Crash seemed overly distraught, and why? She was distraught because she didn't want the Empire to suffer the same heartbreak Cloudsdale did when she was a filly. What a pathetic, sentimental little bitch. I should have figured her weak spot would show up sooner or later.

Eventually we met the real games inspector, Trophy Ass. With as snotty and professional as she seemed, I thought she'd just say, "Fuck this shit, I'm outta here!" What happened instead, Rainbow told her her pathetic sob story about Cloudsdale not getting the games and that along with Chicken Ass telling her about her time there, she wound up giving the Empire the games.

Well shit, here I thought I might get to see Crash cry over this but instead all I got to see her do was celebrate with foals before we left home. I didn't get any bootie-call time with Cadence but when we come up for the games, I will. If by some horrible chance I didn't, I'm sure there will be plenty of hot mares for me to seduce.

Hoping to Seduce Hot Mares at the Games,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Sex Starved Student,

Oh quit your bitching. All I did was send you on a minor mission that didn't even take you all day. It sounds like you had a rather boring time up there, which is what I was hoping for. I am personally very glad that you were unable to get any alone time with Cadence but I do have one question, why the hell didn't you try to score with one of the spa ponies up there? They may not be Aloe and Lotus but I thought you would want to try something a bit more sparkly, I know I would.

You know something? I am so glad that I have peons like you and your acquaintances to take care of shit like this for me. Can you imagine how awful life would be if I had to go and do stuff like this myself? Chances are I would have to settle for sub-par cake and be away from your old friends, which is something that neither them or I would like.

Now regarding next year, I'm sure Cadence and I can convince those spa ponies up there to close up shop and give you several days of non-stop pampering. Now personally I don't think you'd be deserving of it but it would beat hearing you whine about not having got any.

Happy You Didn't Get Any,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

What a shame this didn't happen.

Oh no Twily, you almost cost the Empire the games!

Magical Mystery Cure

To Equestria's newest but most useless monarch,

So Twilight, I take it you enjoyed the book I sent you? I was planning on sending it to you right after Spike saved the Crystal Empire but let's just say that a couple of your old friends kept me distracted. Anyway, I am glad that you enjoyed it but can I offer you some advice? Before you go casting spells, please read them through thoroughly so you don't fuck anything up again.

Seriously Twilight, I thought you had the brains to research spells before casting them. Oh wait, I doubt that tiny library down there has anything regarding spells Starswirl fucked up big time. Damn it sucks to be you, doesn't it? Anyhow, it must have been fun trying to fix your acquaintances when you screwed them up. Now I would have just cut their cutie marks off of them and then sewn the right ones on them but hey, whatever you decided was the best.

Now for the fun part, not only will I not let you come home, but since you have that brand new set of wings and a fancy title in front of your name, you are going to live a whole lot longer. Now you won't be immortal like my sister and I are but I have increased your lifespan many times over so you may want to grow to love that dump I sent you to. I say this because I cast a spell that will prevent dangerous animals from killing you so plan on Ponyville being your home for at least the next 3,000 years. Oh and don't even try killing yourself because I also cast a special spell on you that if you try to kill yourself, it will not only not kill you, but it will add another thousand years to your miserable, pathetic life.

Now that you are a princess, life will not be so easy for you. You will constantly have ponies bitching to you about everything under the sun. Given that you are a commoner, they will likely come to you first because they will think you will actually give a shit about their petty problems since neither my sister nor myself do. Who knows, you could even become the most despised princess in all the land and all the hate mail that is currently directed towards me will be directed towards you!

Naturally you will be given a royal coronation ceremony up here in Canterlot but there is a catch, your parents are going to pay for it under penalty of torture. There is no way in hell I am going to throw you an elaborate celebration using government funds. You already squander enough as it is and I'm STILL pissed over you taking Spike to the pediatrician and the veterinarian when you lost control of him and his greedy ways. They billed me quite a bit and I vowed that one day you and your family would pay dearly for it, and that time has come.

Now remember Twilight, you and your acquaintances need to arrive in Canterlot by sunrise next Saturday morning for your coronation and if you are late, I'll find one way or another to make your suffering even worse. See you then!

Sincerely,

Your Vastly Superior and Immortal Monarch Princess Celestia

P.S. I know you have been trying for three years to initiate Fluttershy but no longer will you have to do that. Now you can just issue a royal decree that she must worsen her quality of life simply to make you happy. Oh, and thanks for fixing that spell so I won't have to do this with any future proteges.

Dear Twilight's Acquaintances,

I am assuming that the five of you must be very excited that Twilight has earned her wings and is now a princess. Now I have a feeling that you are likely readying yourselves for her coronation but I have even more exciting news than you getting to take part in a fancy celebration.

You see, when I cast the spell to make her an Alicorn, I also extended her lifespan many times over so you guys will be graced with her presence for the rest of your miserable, pathetc lives. You may want to spread this wonderful news to Ponyville too because she will be with everypony for the next 3,000 years at least if not longer. Hell, if your community is lucky, I may one day cast a spell on her to make her immortal and I'm sure you'd all love that!

I'm sure the new princess will tell you that you need to be up in Canterlot by sunrise on Saturday morning for this celebration and don't be late because if you are, I will grant her unprecedented powers to make your pathetic lives even more miserable than they already are. See you Saturday!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Spike,

I have some wonderful news! I know that often times slaves worry about what will happen to them when their masters die but you won't have to worry about that. When I ascended Twilight, I cast a spell that will keep her going for at least another 3,000 years but if you are extra good, I'll make it even longer and perhaps even eternal.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight Velvet and Night Light,

I have some spectacular news for you! I have decided that your daughter has done such a good job at making those around her miserable that I ascended her. Yep, she's an Alicorn and a princess now. Naturally like every other new princess, she will get a fancy coronation ceremony but you two are going to pay for it. Whether you have to whore yourselves out, sell your house or what, I don't care. The cost of this ceremony will be 200,000 bits, not counting fancy regalia for Luna, Cadence and myself, which you will also pay for.

Oh and don't worry, for all the problems she continues to cause, nothing will change, you will continue to be fined for anything she damages. Just to make things fun though, I have decided to extend your lifespans enough that you'll stay around long enough to pay for the problems she causes. After all, I certainly don't want to be the one stuck with the bill to repair things she destroys.

On a final note, you must be so proud to have raised such a bitchy little cunt. She reminds me of a former protege, one who didn't quite make the cut and ran away. What a shame Shining Armor turned out to be the good one, it would have been even more fun to tax you on two horrible, troublesome children. Oh well, I guess you can't win them all, right?

Waiting to Collect Your Money,

Princess Celestia

P.S. While I want you two to stay around long enough to pay for the problems your daughter causes, I do not think you are worthy of having wings. Now could you please come by the palace on Monday morning so I can cast the same longevity spell on you that I cast on Twilight? Failure to appear will result in immediate seizure of your house and relocation to your bitch daughter's library.

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

You did what? You know that I can barely stand it down here and just because I fixed that old fart's spell you decide to curse me with an unnaturally long life? And to make matters worse, I am going to have to spend at least three fucking more millennia in this dump?

This is proof that you are by far the biggest troll in the entire universe. You send me a book to fix a spell and just because I fixed it you punish me like this? I thought that maybe if I fixed it you would let me come back home where I belong but oh no, that would make way too much sense.

You know what Celestia, my hatred for you has been festering for a long time, especially since you banished me to this hellhole but now, my hatred for you can not be measured. I hope that someday I will be able to make you pay for this evil deed. You know that not only do I hate this dump but you also know that outside of the spa twins, everypony down here hates me so I suppose you are trolling them too.

Don't worry, I'll be up for that coronation because I don't feel like you extending my life any further than you already have. Maybe if I'm lucky some future villain, a truly evil one, will cast some sort of spell to reduce my life span back to normal or even better, kill me.

Hating Your Guts,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I know I am a bitch but even I am not so much of a bitch as to use my royal powers to force Fluttershy into an initiation ceremony. I would get much more satisfaction if I could win her friendship the old fashioned way and have her as a real friend, not a forced one.

Dear Princess Trollestia,

You want to know something? Twilight was right about you, you are the biggest troll of all time. When we saw her disappear and noticed that the burn mark in the floor resembled her cutie mark, we thought that she was dead. We thought that she went into magic overload, exploded and that we were finally rid of her. Hell Pinkie was even planning on having the whole town throw a "Thank Mother Faust Twibitch is Dead" party. We would have even prepared extra cake and invited you but oh no, you not only had to make us cancel the party but make us have to put up with her bitching for the rest of our lives.

We had always held you in the highest regards until you cursed her upon us and now? Now we despise you more than she does and with any luck, some horrible villain will not only kill her, but you as well. What a shame Luna wasn't the primary princess because she would never have punished a group of friends nor would she have punished an entire community the way you have.

Your Suddenly Disloyal Subjects,

Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkamena Diane Pie and Rainbow Dash

P.S. Bitchlestia, just so you know, I will not be Twilight's sex toy. She can have me executed or throw me into Tartarus but that would be preferable to being forced to let her fuck me. The hell with both of you. - Fluttershy

To Trollestia,

You did what? You have decided that I should be enslaved to that bitch for at least three thousand more years? That is proof that you truly are a horrible, sadistic, spiteful troll. I want to know something, what the hell did I do to deserve this? Did the castle chef screw up your cake and you weren't thinking straight or do you truly hate me so much that you think I deserve to suffer for many millennia?

Now I am wishing that Twibitch and Owlicious would never have come looking for me when I ran away from home. Death would be preferable than being her slave for that long.

Suddenly Hating You,

Spike

Dear Bitch Princess,

You did what? You decided to ascend that little failure into an Alicorn but not Shining Armor? We suppose that being a wonderful, honorable pony means nothing but being a bitchy little failure is rewarded. I suppose Twilight's rants about you are true, you are a grade A troll, and a greedy one at that.

Continuing to steal our money is bad enough but now we have to pay for her ceremony and YOUR regalia when you are the one who did this really takes the cake. We shall continue to curse your name until the day we die for this and regarding this whole extending our lives thing, fuck that shit. We would rather rot in the bottom most bowels of Tartarus than be cursed with several millennia of continued taxation and fines.

When you wound up taking Twilight off of our hooves, we were so happy and loved you so much. Now we despise you and really wish we had never let our bitchy daughter apply for your school.

Despising You More than Twilight,

Twilight Velvet and Night Light

Author's Note

Idolize our new bitchy overlord!

Special: An Open Letter to Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am writing you a letter on behalf of the entire community of Ponyville. At one time we were a community full of love, harmony and stability. From the very moment you had Granny Smith's folks clear out part of the forest and start our community, we were happy. Once we grew larger, many ponies moved here to escape the chaos of the larger cities and even the less than stellar conditions in other small towns. Everything was perfect down here until you cursed her upon us.

That's right, the day you decided that Twilight would continue her fucking studies down here rather than going back to Canterlot was the day this town went straight to Tartarus. Ever since Twilight has been here, all she has done is bitch about everything and treat most everypony, save the spa sluts, like shit. Hell she has even been banned from multiple businesses for treating the employees like shit. If that right there is not proof that she needs to go, I don't know what is.

I am going to admit, when I first heard that you had elevated her to being a princess, I was elated. I was hoping that after she screwed up that spell, then fixed it and got her wings, that she would be going home with you. The whole town was even planning on throwing a party celebrating her absence but then you decide to be an even bigger bitch than you already are.

Seriously, why the hell did you make that self-absorbed, bitchy cunt a princess to start with? You can claim it was she fixed Starswirl's spell but I think I know what the real reason was, it is because you are a troll, a grade A troll. I think it is a matter of you getting a great amount of joy in seeing her make our lives miserable.

To make matters worse, at one time we were rated the friendliest community in Equestria and we had tourists coming to visit all year long and of course they spent their hard earned bits here, which led to economic prosperity. Once she came along though, not only did she treat everypony like shit, she caused most everypony else to treat others like shit and now we are known as the rudest, shittiest community in Equestria. Now we are lucky to get any tourists at all and that has harmed our economy significantly.

I, along with the rest of the community, ask that you please make Twilight either return to Canterlot or find some other community to curse her upon. From what I understand, Appaloosa and Dodge Junction have been wanting somepony who is important to relocate there. I think either one of those places would be far better for her to live in. All we want is our harmony back, our laid back atmosphere back and the revenue generated by the tourism we once had back.

Sincerely,

Mayor Mare

To Mayor Mare,

If you honestly think I give a shit about your miserable, pathetic town going down the toilet you are sadly mistaken. Yes your town has welcomed me on multiple occasions and has thrown a few festivals for me but that doesn't mean you are suddenly on the top of my priority list.

I sent Twilight down there to study friendship because I figured that would be the best place for her. Now unfortunately she has only befriended the spa twins but it beats nothing, right? Also, you should consider your town special. After all, how many backwater towns can boast that they have their very own princess? Up until now, the answer to that was none.

I have a feeling that having a princess living there should bring those tourists back even though she has created more disharmony and bitterness among your citizens than the worst villains of all time could ever dream of. Maybe now that she has those wings and a fancy title, her attitude will improve, she will behave the way she should have and everypony else down there will stop treating others like shit.

Long story short: You are stuck with her whether you like it or not. Oh and on a side note, when I ascended her, I decided to extend her life expectancy many times over so your town will continue to have some sort of significance for at least 3,000 years and if Twilight behaves, it could eventually be forever.

Now just be welcoming of your new princess. I know you may call the shots down there but if you don't quit with your bitching, I may just give her full power over everything down there and you'd be nothing more than a figurehead, got it?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Ponyville Express Report: Assassination Attempt Failed

23 February 2013

Report by Breaking News: Head reporter for The Ponyville Express

Twilight Sparkle has been a princess for just a week and already the assassination attempts have begun. Yesterday, several ponies reported a small, scrawny figure in a cloak leave a small box outside of the Golden Oaks Library before rushing off into the Everfree Forest. Four hours after the figure left and the box had yet to detonate, Officer Silver Shield of the Ponyville PD approached the library and noticed that the timer on what was discovered to be a bomb had expired.

Right now officials are unsure as to who could have planted the bomb as the newly crowned princess has many enemies not just here in Ponyville, but all over Equestria. We contacted the Ponyville PD over the matter and they let us know that whoever built this bomb, did not wire it right and that is why it failed to detonate.

We had also contacted Princess Celestia over the matter and she gave an amused chuckle, "If anypony can find the perpetrator of this alleged crime, send him or her to Canterlot so they can be taught how to properly build bombs."

We attempted to contact Princess Twilight over the matter but she had yet to return home from the spa prior to press time. Her assistant however did give us a comment, "What a shame it hadn't gone off, I would have been free from her enslavement."

When asked if he would launch an investigation on who left the bomb, Officer Silver Shield commented, "No, there are simply too many ponies who hate Twilight and besides, I have a trip to the donut shop in Canterlot scheduled anyway."

While we are unsure as to what the opinion of everypony in town is, we here at The Ponyville Express are deeply disappointed that the bomb failed to detonate and free us from that wretch Celestia cursed upon us.

Equestria Girls

Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to know something, why is it that this place brings me nothing but trouble? I got stuck in a tower while Spike became the hero of the crystal ponies, then I got no action when we had to get this damn place the Equestria Games and now some crazy mirror nopony else has heard of produces some pony from YOUR past who happened to be all pissy and wanted to do something to me just to spite you.

I want to know something, what the hell was that thing doing here and where did it come from? I would think something that dangerous would be kept locked up somewhere that if something bad was to come through, things like that old student of yours, that it would be locked away somewhere that it couldn't cause any problems. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't some setup of yours just to troll and inconvenience me.

Now I am likely going to be too paranoid to even sleep thanks to that jealous former student of yours coming and stealing my crown. Another thing I would like to know is how the hell did she even know about me being a princess? Did you go through that damn thing, tell her to come and troll me, steal my crown, take it back with her and cause me to have to go to some place that I know nothing about, some place that could very well be unpleasant?

Despite me having my doubts about going through that thing, Spike and I went through and at that moment I truly was wishing that I could just kill myself. I turned into some bi-pedal freak with no magic....the same type of lowly creature that I learned had no clue on how to run their countries, freaks that allowed mindless serfs to elect other mindless serfs to run their government. I just hoped the hell there wasn't a national election coming up before I got back home or everything would have definitely gone to hell.

Once I got myself situated I learned that some magicless loser version of you was holding my crown hostage and that to get it back, I had to enroll in a high school for creatures of this species with IQs below 70. I can not believe that I had to degrade myself so far. You have no clue how pathetic I felt but then to make matters worse, I was suddenly homeless and had absolutely no place to stay so I wound up having to manage to move into the school library without anyone noticing.

Another thing about that pathetic school, there were humans that matched my Equestrian acquaintances perfectly. Crash was a narcissistic cunt, Pinkie had ADHD (albeit even worse), Rarity was a fashion skank, Applejack was a country bumpkin and Fluttershy was a PETA member that nopony, I mean no one liked....and one that I thought I would see if I could initiate so she'd have at least one friend.

Now about getting my crown back, I discovered some magic-less hack version of you and her sister were holding my crown hostage and would present it to whoever won a popularity contest. To make matters worse, to take part in this contest I had to go to some dumb dance. Yes, you heard me right, I had to go to a horrible, pathetic waste of time event that could easily be replaced by these morons studying and Fluttershy letting me initiate her.

To win this stupid contest, I had to become popular. How does one become popular in this pathetic world, they either flirt or if they are an idiot running for office, lie and con people into believing you. What a shame I wasn't running for office, lying and conning people sounded like such a better option but my only option was to give cute smiles to the boys which was really degrading, promise a night of fun to the lesbians and pretend to actually care about the lives of the straight girls.

Unfortunately I was unable to get Fluttershy to agree to a night of fun but even worse I had this freak that played a guitar thinking I wanted him. Now I wanted to tell him I was a lesbian pony princess from another dimension right off but I figured I would wait until after the election, then I would crush his pathetic, fragile little heart.

Now after a problem with Sunset and a couple of goons destroying the decorations, me getting banned from the dance, that idiot boy clearing my name and being able to go to the dance again, I won the title of Empress, Dictator or whatever they called it and I had my crown back. Immediately I thought that I could try and initiate Fluttershy, get my flank home and hopefully never have to put up with this shit ever again.

Now Sunset had to troll me, steal my crown and turn into some sort of demon. What a loser, turning into a demon is lame compared to having to up with you and your bitchy ways. It is no wonder that some freaky magic these girls had along with my own defeated her and created a crater in the schoolyard. What was most satisfying was seeing that little bitch in that crater begging me for mercy. My immediate thought was, "Hell yeah bitch, I kicked your ass and if you don't worship me, I'll slash that pretty little throat of yours!"

Now I still wanted to try and make Fluttershy my friend and thought that savagely killing someone in front of her would gross her out so I decided I would try and teach the little cunt about friendship across dimensional lines. Before I decided to come home, I thought I would troll that dumb boy and try and make Fluttershy mine.

The reaction of that dumb boy was priceless. The idiot fainted when I told him about my true identity and then I grabbed Fluttershy, told her I needed to talk to her in the girls' room and led her there. I thought that by telling her that I could be her first, and likely only chance to score, that she would let me undress her and I could initiate her but she slugged me and called me a rapist. What a little bitch, either she is screwing Rarity or she is a little whore who likes boys.

After that I figured, "Fuck this shit" and came home. That is why I had a slight bruise on my face, PETA girl's knuckles had a bit more punch than I thought. I will tell you this, I never want to go to that damn world again. Not having magic, having to put up with idiot boys hitting on me and being rejected by another PETA girl was bad enough but having to put up with a lame she-demon took the cake.

Now I have some advice for you, either destroy that mirror or banish it to the moon so we won't have problems like this arise again. Things that come through it are bad news and I don't feel like having to deal with it again. Now tell me, did you talk with this former student of yours, tell her to come troll me and you'd bring her home or was this actually legit?

Incredibly Pissed,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Incredibly Pissed Inferior Monarch,

I have some advice for you, invest in a safe or something to store that crown of yours in while you sleep, especially since it has the Element of Magic in it. Hell even my sister, your bootie-call and I store our crowns in safes at night. Now since you were so careless, I am going to let you in on a little secret. I honestly don't feel one bit of sympathy for you with everything you had to go through on the other side of that mirror.

It served you right being a magic-less hack with absolutely no value over there. It must have been fun doing dumb shit like trying to write with your mouth and pretty much everything else like an earth pony. Hell I'm surprised you managed to last one day over there, much less actually make it home.

Now for the funnest thing, I knew what would happen to you when you crossed over, I knew you would become worthless and that you would have undesirables wanting to hook up with you. Unlike us Equestrians, not many males are asexual nor are 95% of the females lesbians. Now I do find it funny that you told that one boy about your true identity and he fainted but there is one thing that really makes me realize you are beyond pathetic.

It is beyond pathetic that you were rejected by PETA girl over there too! You must have been just as ugly over there as you are here or perhaps that girl was too busy screwing that girl over there that is like Rarity to find you appealing but oh well. All that matters is that Element made it back in one piece and we weren't going to end up falling to some evil in the future.

Oh and just so you know, this was not a matter of me trolling you. While I do love to troll you, even I am not so reckless to put Equestria in danger just so I can get a few laughs at your expense.

Laughing Because You'll Never Get PETA Girl,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Regarding the mirror, no I will not destroy it. I am simply going to lock it away in Canterlot Tower and put a seal on it so nothing can ever come through it again. I like to admire myself in it and I'm not about to give that up just to keep you from having to put yourself in danger again.

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Self-Centered Fellow Monarch,

Well here we go again! I just had my coronation not that long ago and here you are trying to steal the spotlight from me. Yes it is time for your Sunbutt festival or whatever the hell you call it but come on, just cancel it this one year, let me shine like the star I am for longer and instead of making me take part in this ceremony that basically glorifies you, just let me go to the spa so I don't have to put up with your drama.

One good thing though, Rarity is actually following the law. She is idolizing me and worshiping me like she is supposed to. I don't know if she wants to merely get in my coat or be initiated before PETA girl but hey, if I can get a bit of action, I'm all for it! Anypony who says I look so regal and so much better than you is deserving of being in my presence. What a shame PETA girl wasn't idolizing me too, I was thinking a threesome with those two would have been fun.

Now I have come to the conclusion that you are once again being a trolling bitch and this time it isn't just you, your sister has joined in as well. What the hell gives? You two leave both the sun and the moon in the sky and you go missing without a trace. Naturally I was hoping that you two had died or something and I would have had to take over. I could have been Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle and ruled Equestria with an iron hoof. Every hot mare in Equestria could have been mine, all mine!

Now I have a feeling that you two weren't the only ones trolling me. Once I got back to my lack-luster home in that dump you banished me to, it turns out the place is being overran by the forest and chances are Discord is behind it. Now naturally his trolling ass denied it but apparently Zecora has gotten into the business of creating mind altering drugs and suggested I drink some to see why the town was becoming plant food.

Holy shit, I don't know what the hell she put in that stuff but I found myself on quite the trip. I saw your sister turn into Nightmare Moon and try to kill you. What a shame she didn't succeed, I think Equestria would have been a much happier place and a much sexier place had she been the one to take over. Perhaps PETA girl would have been scared all the time and would have needed me to be there to "protect her" if you know what I mean.

After trip one came trip two where I saw you and Luna turn Discord into stone just because he was a better troll than you, how pathetic. And of course there was the Tree of Harmony and it quickly hit me that without these Elements, that it would likely die and Equestria would be a much funner place. Then I knew I had to go find the damn thing, risk fucking everything up by letting my acquaintances tag along and then return the Elements to it.

Now I thought everything would go fine until some crocodile nearly ate me and then those bitches told me I should go home because I was a princess. They can claim what they want but I know what they really wanted. They wanted to be the little cunts who got all the glory, they wanted to find the Tree, save it and then demand their own stained glass window, one without me in it. One thing the morons forgot, they needed me because without my Element, the damn thing would still die.

Finally though, Discord did something right, he gave me this golden rod that had my face on it. Sweet, something to violate your trolling pussy with, or ass if I'm in a really foul mood. Maybe instead of initiating Fluttershy in a loving way, I'll just initiate her with my new Twicane instead. Luckily Discord told me to go stop my trolling acquaintances from stealing all the glory because I would have been pissed had they been immortalized in a stain glass window and not me.

Did you know there are actually carnivorous, predatory plants in the forest? I didn't until I nearly got eaten but luckily my acquaintances saved my flank. I vowed that once I got my hooves on you two, that I would feed you and Luna to those things, crown myself Queen and rule this land my way, a way that some ponies may not like!

Now for the fun thing, Applejack thought that once I put the Elements back in the tree, that our bond would be shattered. I was secretly hoping so but unfortunately, even after I put those gems back where I belong, those acquaintances wouldn't just walk away and not care anymore. I honestly thought that would be my chance to come home and purge them from my life.

Now I know you and your sister are both grade A trolls. Everything was going straight to Tartarus yet you two decide to hide inside some vines? That right there is proof that both of you are basically worthless. You failed to show up until after I defeated your sister. I had to take care of Discord too while you two were probably busy stuffing your face with cake or screwing my old friends. You also couldn't handle Chrysalis and during that invasion, Luna was probably either sleeping or feasting on some treat that she likes. Let's not forget that neither of you could handle saving the Crystal Empire either. You two just need to step down and hand all power over to me since I actually do things to keep this nation from falling to some evil being.

Oh yes, and finally you had your glorification ceremony and just like always, they all wanted to bow down and lick your sunny ass, but this time they wanted to lick the moon off of Luna's ass. What about me? You two did your royal duties while I was relegated to farting out something that resembled my cutie mark. The worst part, I didn't get anything in return. I didn't get PETA girl to want me, nor anything else I am deserving of.

You know what? Screw this shit, I'm not helping you with another Sunbutt festival ever again. It ain't worth my time or my efforts.

Your Much Better Fellow Monarch,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Crybaby Monarch,

Get over yourself, alright. You got your damn coronation, you got to play an important role in the ceremony that is supposed to be dedicated to me and you even saved the Tree of Harmony! What the hell else do you want? Look, I know you want PETA girl but face it, unless you issue royal decrees that would force her to give you what you want, you're not getting it!

It seems as though you had quite the fun time in trying to save the country yet again. Now while I had complete confidence that your acquaintances could handle it, I am shocked that you somehow managed not to fuck things up and cause Equestria to become plant food. Maybe, just maybe, you are not as useless as I thought.

Now Twilight, what have I told you before? I told you that it is YOUR JOB to handle all these evil creatures and other inconveniences that may cause Equestria's problems. It is not the job of the primary princess or her sister to deal with such things, it is the job of her inferior, in this case you, to do so. I hate to admit this but you have done a semi-decent job at it. While it hasn't been anything to go running to your parents over, it is better than nothing at all.

I have something to tell you though, you really need to shut up about this whole Queen Twilight Sparkle shit. Unless you want me to not only make you immortal, but do the same with Rarity and make you her eternal fashion slave, you will shut up. The last thing I need is some newly crowned bitchy princess thinking that she could even come close to challenging me.

Oh and on a final note, you continue to show how pathetic you are in your non-stop failures to initiate PETA girl. Maybe someday she will let you but I wouldn't count on it.

Vastly Superior than You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If you even think about violating me with that Twicane, I'll shove it so far up in you that the other end will come out of your mouth and that would be so much fun for everypony, well everypony except you.

To Princess Twibitch,

You feed us to those plants, I think not. Unless you want to find yourself enjoying an eternal brutally hot, incredibly bright solar vacation, you will drop the threats. While my sister may think Ponyville is the worst punishment possible for you, she is mistaken. I can do much worse to you, things you will find far more unpleasant.

Princess Luna

To Woona,

Ha, don't make me laugh. I'm more powerful than you and you know it. I would advise you get on my good side because once I ascend to Goddesshood, you and your bitchy sister will feel my wrath.

Waiting to Punish You,

Soon to be Goddess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

I can not believe that you and your acquaintances would accuse innocent little me of causing the Everfree Forest grow like crazy. You should know that I would never do such a thing because my good friend Fluttershy reformed me, remember?

Speaking of Fluttershy, I would advise you not even think of initiating Fluttershy with that Twicane I gave you. Remember, if you so much as try to do anything to her I will create an army of demon rabbits that only have appetites for bitchy lavender Alicorns and I'm certain Celestia wouldn't mind me protecting my first friend.

Hoping You'll Leave Fluttershy Alone,

Discord

P.S. Oh and congratulations of your promotion, you totally deserved it!

Discord,

Look I drank that potion and I know you were responsible for it. You may not be at fault now but still, you better be glad you have Fluttershy as a friend because the rest of us were ready to turn you back to stone without even thinking about it. About that army of demon rabbits, it wouldn't work. Celestia cast a spell on me that would prevent them from trying to eat me so they certainly won't keep me away from Fluttershy.

Hoping to Initiate Your First Friend,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and thanks for the congratulations but I really didn't want the promotion, that was just Celestia being a trolling bitch and making my life miserable

Author's Note

Congratulations on the promotion, you totally deserved it!

Castle Mane-ia

To My Inferior Fellow Monarch,

Well I decided to try and find something about that chest in the library but nothing. Now you see, this is exactly why you need to let me come home. There, I would have more than enough resources at my disposal to find something about that thing but instead, you decide to send me out to that dump that you used to call home, that place where Luna should have killed you.

What I would like to know though is why is all this knowledge being exposed to the elements? I'm actually surprised that those books haven't fallen apart yet but luckily, I did manage to find a secret chamber where all the books were in pristine condition. My immediate thought was, "Sweet, hopefully I can find something I needed, find the keys, unlock that chest and unveil some sort of super-weapon I could kill you and Luna with.

Now some strange things happened while I was out there. Somehow PETA girl's stupid rabbit got out there, all my acquaintances went back to their stalking ways but you know what pissed me off? I heard the squeals of Rarity and Fluttershy coming from under the floor! I almost immediately realized that those two were in a chamber screwing one another! Damn it, damn it, damn it! I wanted to be the one to take PETA girl's virginity, not allow the slutty fashionista to take it first. I do vow this, BOTH OF THEM are going to pay for this.

Ultimately I discovered all those idiots unintentionally scaring one another and using my superior magic, I froze them so I could interrogate them over their stalking behavior. Get this, Crash and Applejack claimed something about some pony of shadows haunting the place. What a crock of shit, we all know that is nothing more than an old pony's tale meant to scare mindless foals senseless.

Now we heard organ music and while my chickenshit acquaintances and equally as chickenshit dragon followed me, I headed towards the music to disprove this stupid legend they were talking about. Now get this, Pinkie along with her ADHD headed out there to play the damn organ. What a moron, I guess banging her head inside the school bell wasn't enough stupid for her to display.

I ultimately led them to that concealed chamber where I showed them that dumb journal of yours and we decided to start our own journal. My thought was that we could keep a log of how much we despise one another or in the instance of myself, how much I despise all of you and want to butcher everypony and feast on their flesh.

Another thing I did though was interrogate Rarity and Fluttershy and they did do what I thought. Now I may not be able to take PETA girl's virginity but I will still initiate her one of these days and I will do it with Rarity at the same time and I will be rough, extremely rough. That will teach those two to deny me what I feel should have been rightfully mine.

Pissed I Won't Get Fluttershy's Virginity,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Pissed Inferior,

Oh wah-wah-wah! So you won't get Fluttershy's virginity, big fucking deal. I have dealt with much bigger problems in my life and you expect me to give a shit because you won't get to pop PETA girl's cherry? I swear, you really need to focus on bigger things, like unlocking that chest.

Now about the secret chamber and the journal my sister and I kept, I am not thrilled that you would read it but I do think the six of you keeping a journal is a good idea. Who knows, maybe that will eventually cause you to think of them as friends instead of mere acquaintances. Also, I am looking very forward to reading the shared entries by Fluttershy and Rarity. I do hope they share every single little detail about their encounters and their laughs about how you will be excluded.

Now be sure and tell Rarity that it is good she didn't steal that banner from the old castle. The penalty for theft of such artifacts is death and I would have had no problems burning her alive in the town square, and then cursing Upper Crust upon you.

Happy Rarity was Fluttershy's First,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Now the fact that you want to kill both Luna and I is a problem. Now I'm sure had Luna read this, you'd be dead within an hour but I have a much better punishment for you. Perhaps an extra millennium of being stuck in that dump could be in your future!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Finally, I lost my virginity and Rarity took it! Woo-hoo! Now maybe Twilight will leave me alone and not want to initiate me anymore. I am looking forward to Rarity and I doing this quite often and just to spite her, we'll exclude Twilight. She has the spa twins she can screw, she is undeserving of both Rarity and me.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Don't count on Twilight leaving you alone. She may not be able to take your virginity anymore but she still does want to initiate you, well you and Rarity both now. I do have one favor, could you please just let her join in on your trysts so I don't have to listen to her bitch about it?, pleeeeeeease! :applecry:

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

Don't they make the cutest couple, the cutest couple to bring out envy in Twilight?

Daring Don't

Dear Equestria's Bitchiest Monarch,

Guess what I learned? I learned that Crash has a serious problem, she has a crush on a fictional character! Yep, she has a crush on Daring Do. Now if you ask me, that is truly pathetic. Why in Equestria would anypony fall in love with a fictional character? Oh wait, this is Crash we are talking about and with her, anything that involves idiocy and irrational thought is possible.

Now for something even funner, Crash decided that we needed to go out and harass A.K. Yearling when it was learned that her next book would be delayed. My initial thought was, "So the book will be delayed, deal with it bitch." Ultimately my acquaintances and I headed out to tell her to get to work but then the unthinkable happened, A.K Yearling IS Daring Do.

Want to know what this did? Now all of a sudden Crash is going to do whatever it takes to get into her coat. How pathetic, what kind of pony wants to get into the coat of a re-color of herself? It is almost as though she wants to screw herself but that honestly doesn't surprise me given how conceited she is.

Now in her attempt to screw Daring Do, Crash wound up failing miserably when Ahuizotl took her off to some temple so he could beat her to the punch, poor Daring Do, a huge blue monster will get her instead of a narcissistic recolor of herself. Oh well, life is a bitch and sometimes the most unfortunate ponies get screwed by freaky creatures you never thought could exist.

Now I naturally wanted to say, "Screw this shit, let's go home and let Daring Do get a new hole torn by this thing but my acquaintances convinced me we should go and help her. After Fluttershy promised that she would put out for me, I decided to stay and aid in this endeavor. Yes we did save Crash's crush before she fell victim to Ahuizotl but I am not thrilled that Fluttershy denied me, again. She promised she would put out but she lied! I swear, one of these days I will make her my friend.

I know I said I would never do this but I am honestly wondering if I won't have to force her into an initiation. Ever since Rarity popped her cherry, I have wanted to force her into my friendship circle more and more. One day though, I will get her to willingly join me in my bedroom.

Your Superior Monarch,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are not going to believe this. I learned Daring Do is real and I was able to help her stop Ahuizotl! Now I hoped that she would let me come home with her but she told me that maybe someday I can. Sweet, I know she is a recolor of me but I hope someday she'll do to me what Twilight can't do to Fluttershy.

Hoping Daring Do Screws Me Someday,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

I need to file a restraining order against Rainbow Dash. She is a stalker and I don't feel like her constantly begging me for sex. The sooner you could keep her away from me the better.

Hoping You'll Keep Rainbow Away From Me,

Daring Do

To Equestria's Most Pathetic Monarch,

Oh good grief, yet another excuse for you to bitch to me about one thing or another. If this was going to be such a pain for you, why did you go with them to harass A.K. Yearling to start with? You can claim Crash wants to screw her but given that you went out there to stalk her, I can't help but wonder if you don't want to do the same.

I am going to be completely honest though, you don't exactly remind me of the type to go stalking somepony who lives in the middle of nowhere. Knowing you, you probably thought if you helped Crash help her crush out and get her to finish her book, that you'd think I would let you come home over it. Sorry Twily but that ain't happening. Ponyville needs its princess and despite them wanting to evict you, you're staying put. I will not reward somepony for stalking, alright?

Oh and on a final note, I think it is funny that Fluttershy lied to you. What is even funnier, you actually believed her. You should know that she will NEVER put out for you unless you issue some sort of royal decree that she become your slave. I remember how you said you would never do that and now I know why. You didn't do it because you wanted to be a good pony with morals, you did it so you can continue to bitch to me about your inability to get her in bed.

Take some advice from your mentor, just use your royal powers to make her let you initiate her, you'd be much happier if you did.

Happy PETA Girl Lied to You,

Equestria's Best Monarch....Princess Celestia

Dear Rainbow Crash,

Daring Do want to screw you? Don't make me laugh! Just because she is a recolor of you does not mean that she will find you attractive nor does it guarantee any kind of action you desire. Just calm down, hoof yourself or maybe if you're lucky, you can seduce Pinkie since it seems like she really likes you.

Laughing My Ass Off,

Princess Celestia

To A.K. Yearling...aka Daring Do

Consider it done. I doubt having her constantly stalking you will help you write your books and will likely cause Ahuizotl to eventually succeed in causing your demise.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Power Ponies

To the Worst Monarch Ever,

Right now I am one pissed off princess. I had spa time scheduled yet you are forcing me to not only fix up your old castle but have to take those bitchy acquaintances with me as well. I want to know something, do you even have any plans to relocate to that dump you are making me clean or are you simply abusing your power of longevity to force me to do things I really don't want to do?

Of course I had to take Spike with us too despite the fact that he would simply get in the way and cause more problems than he is worth. Luckily he has some comic book that he can go off somewhere and read so that I can get things done and those acquaintances can try to not screw everything up. Now I'm going to admit, I was hoping I could haul Fluttershy into that secret chamber, give her some tender kisses and get her to let me initiate her as a friend.

Unfortunately though, that would not happen because Spike just had to read his dumb comic book in there and I don't know what kind of fucked up comic books they sell up there but he read something in there, he began to get sucked into it, we went to save him and then we were all sucked in and had become the characters in there, the Power Ponies.

My first thought was, "Well shit on a stick, isn't this just dandy?" It didn't help any that to get back to Equestria we had to defeat the Mane-iac who turned out to be some pony with a bunch of tentacles, an ego bigger than yours, an overgrown hair dryer and a bunch of lowly assistants who seemed gayer than a three-bit coin.

Spike thought it was so great we had "super-powers" but the thing is, it took us a while to learn how to harness them but Spike was crying and whining because he had no superpowers. Big deal, he is just as worthless in the comic book as he was in real life so what was the difference?

As it turned out we truly sucked in that comic book, so bad that I began to think that maybe if I did something stupid, we would either let the Mane-iac win because I could get used to Maretropolis or perhaps she would kill me. Hey, I wasn't in Equestria or in our dimension so if I died there all would have been great, right?

Ultimately we got captured and while I figured the Mane-iac was going to fry us with her hair dryer and I would finally be put out of my misery, Spike just had to show up and ruin things. As it turns out she ain't all that bright and apparently Fluttershy had the ability to become a monster when she got mad there. I could just imagine what would happen had I tried to initiate her there, she would have killed me and I would be free of the misery you cursed upon me.

Now naturally, we defeated her and got back home, unfortunately. Oh and I do want to give you a progress report on the castle. We didn't get jack shit done, I was unable to initiate PETA girl and Spike's comic suddenly disappeared. Oh well, it's not like you're going to be moving back into that dump anyway so what the hell does it matter, right?

The Only Super-hero Princess Ever,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To A Powerless Princess,

I give you six one job and you manage to fuck it up by getting sucked into a comic book? If you honestly expect me to believe that you must be even dumber than I thought. I know the comic book store here sells enchanted comics but come on, they are enchanted because of the story lines, not because they are predatory and like to eat ponies and dragons.

I am not surprised though that you didn't get anything done on that castle and I personally don't care. I have no plans to move back out there and I simply wanted to see how the six of you, or should I say seven, would fail. Apparently that wasn't the only way you failed either. It is very pathetic that you, a princess, could not even manage to keep your dragon out of the room where you hoped to initiate PETA girl. Oh well, you would have failed anyway so no big loss there.

As I sit here and watch you continue to be a miserable failure even after your ascension I can't help but wonder. I can't help but wonder, "What if I had sent Moondancer instead?" Chances are she would have succeeded all the time and I'm certain she would have successfully seduced PETA girl a long, long time ago.

The Most Powerful Princess,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Unlike your sorry ass, I do not have a big ego! Egotistical ponies are the losers who are inferior and think they are great. I don't have to think I am great because I am the embodiment of perfection and you know it!

To the Mane-iac,

You hurt a defenseless little firefly? Why you're just a great big meanie, there I said it! Why don't you pick on somepony your own size! *ROAR!*

Your Worst Nightmare,

Saddleranger

To Saddleranger,

I find it quite funny that I fucked up your friends and you didn't give a shit but I hurt a firefly and you go into complete bitch mode. Just wait until I get out of this comic book you little cunt, I will hunt you down, discover you are a pathetic doormat PETA member and I will slaughter all your animals while you sleep....and then proceed to initiate you as a friend since the Masked Matterhorn can't.

Hoping to Make You Mine,

The Mane-iac

Author's Note

Think of something useful Radiance!

Bats!

Dear Princess Sunbutt,

You want to know what irritates me about one of my acquaintances? The one who is by far the sexiest, the one who won't let me initiate her, seems to care more about some stupid bats than she does her alleged friend's livelihood. Seriously, she initially refused to use her stare on these fruit vampire bats to send them packing. Oh no she said, I just can't take away what makes them vampire fruit bats.

Eventually we were able to get the little bitch to use her stare but then she turns into one of those damn things. I suppose if she couldn't use those bats to destroy Applejack's livelihood, she'd do it herself. That is a crying shame if you ask me, all that hard work and that huge apple.....wait a minute, why am I giving a shit about this? The worst thing that happened was that PETA girl lost her sex appeal for a while and Applejack wound up having to surrender more orchard to some bats.

I do have a suggestion for you. You see, I really need Fluttershy to require my initiation services and I doubt ponies want higher cider prices so could you come and exterminate those bats? That should devastate her enough that she would need a better friend and only I could make her feel better.

Hating Vampire Fruit Bats,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Could you do me a favor and come wipe out these vampire fruit bats? They're cutting into my profits and I really don't want to have to charge more for cider nor do I want to have to listen to Crash bitch about us running out come next cider season.

Your Apple Growing Subject,

Applejack

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

*HISS!* I will come and suck every last drop of blood out of your body unless you make Twilight go home.

Thirsty for your Blood,

Flutterbat

To My Bat Hating Inferior Monarch,

Oh my, I never thought I would see this happen. Here you are always claiming to despise those acquaintances of yours and talking smack about them but here you are caring about the vampire fruit bat infestation. Perhaps there is hope for you after all. I'm honestly thinking the first one you are going to befriend is Applejack. I will be honest though, I doubt she'd want to befriend a dishonest bitch like you. I know she only sought your help because you might have had a book that would provide answers on how to rid herself of those bats.

Who knows though, I may be wrong about Applejack, she may feel a tad bit sorry for you and in exchange for your friendship, she'll make you help her out on the farm on a daily basis. That wouldn't be a bad thing though because then you could know what real work is.

Having Hope in You,

The Best Princess, Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack,

You know I'll have all the animal rights groups bitching at me if I was to come and exterminate those vampire fruit bats but just to spite PETA girl, I'll do it. I'll be there tomorrow morning at 0900. Meet me by your barn so I can rid you of those little vermin.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Flutterbat,

Try and suck my blood bitch! I'm going to let you in on something, if you suck any of my blood it will make you incredibly lustful for Twilight. It will make you so lustful for her that you will not only let her initiate you, you will want to move in with her and become her sex slave.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

The final part of Flutterbat's transformation.

Rarity Takes Manehattan

To a Miserable Cut Rate Monarch,

Well once again Rarity proved to be a complete bitch. This time though it was worse, far worse. You see, she decided to get us tickets to see a Bridleway play in exchange for us accompanying her to this fashion contest in Manehattan. Now I thought this would be great, check out the sights, seduce a few hot mares since PETA girl still won't put out and catch that play but thanks to some jealous opponent of Rarity's that was not what happened.

She wound up having to make a whole new line out of ugly hotel decor and decided to use myself along with my other acquaintances as slave labor. That right there is proof that she is by far the bitchiest, greediest and most spiteful cunt of these acquaintances. If that is not proof that you need to replace her with Twinkleshine, who is far hotter than her, I don't know what is. At least she wouldn't take advantage of us and at least she would be worthy of my presence, and my bedroom.

It wasn't 100% bad though, we did get to see that play in the end.

Wishing You'd Replace Rarity,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Since I degraded myself by becoming sweatshop labor, can I come home now? I think that should be more than enough to prove that I've learned everything I need to about friendship.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I wanted to write to you about the marvelous time my friends, myself and Twibitch had in Manehattan. Yes a bitchy, jealous competitor of mine stole my fabric but I learned that my friends are very generous and even Twilight lowered herself to working on making my new line. I suppose even she isn't a complete bitch all the time and I think she has learned enough about friendship that you could make all our lives divine by letting her come home.

Hoping You'll Let Twilight Return to Canterlot,

Rarity

To My Slave Labor Monarch,

Good grief Twilight, I make you a princess and you sink to a brand new low? I know you have done many uncouth things to lower yourself so far that I will think you are ready to leave Ponyville but this is a new low, even for you. You allowed yourself to become slave labor just so I'll free you from a three thousand year banishment to Ponyville? Sorry Twily but Ponyville needs its princess, even if she is a commoner who fixed a lack-luster spell that lives in a tree.

You can claim that you did this so I would think you are worthy of coming home but I know what the real reason is. You probably think that if you degrade yourself like that that Rarity will let you get in her coat. I know you have always wanted to initiate Fluttershy but I'm thinking you want to do the same with Rarity as well.

You know, if you keep shit like this up you may actually succeed in initiating Rarity but don't count on it with Fluttershy. Yes she screws Rarity on a regular basis but at least she has some standards. If she didn't, she would have let you initiate her already.

Nopony's Slave,

Princess Celestia

P.S. For the hundredth time, I am not going to replace any of those acquaintances I cursed you upon. Twinkleshine has done nothing to warrant banishment, alright?

Dear Rarity,

First off I must say that I am not thrilled with you. I find it absolutely horrible that you would actually force your friends into being slave labor. Yes I know that Suri pony used that fabric of yours to make her own line but still, what you did is terrible and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Now I am going to let you know that you broke some laws in your attempts to make sure that hideous hotel line of yours was ready for the show.

First, you ran a sweatshop without a permit. Yes sweatshops are frowned upon in general but if they are necessary, I'll allow them. Guess what, your situation did not warrant it.

Second, you enslaved your friends. That is extremely illegal. Equestria is supposed to be a land of love and harmony, not greed and enslavement.

Third, you stole property from that hotel. Yes the monetary value of that hideous shit was likely next to nothing but still, it is something that must be punished.

Normally such a list of crimes would result in a five year lunar vacation but since you enslaved Twilight as well, I'll let you off the hook and I'll make sure the hotel doesn't sue you, alright. Just don't pull anything like this again because I may not be so forgiving in the future.

Letting You Off the Hook,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don't lose that rainbow colored spool of thread Coco Pommel gave you, it may come in handy someday.

Pinkie Apple Pie

Dear Princess Celestia,

I must say, I have learned that ADHD girl isn't as incompetent as she may seem. She actually figured out how to read a genealogy scroll and has come to the belief that she is related to Applejack. Seriously, her related to Applejack? I am certain she misread that thing because no way an idiot like her is related to a pony that at least has some worth ethic in her.

What am I not impressed about? After she ran off to tell Applejack that they may be cousins I was excluded from the rest of the episode! Can you believe that, they think that giving the most important character in the show, the best princess, minimal time at most is a good idea. Come on, I am the toy they sell the most so you'd think they'd make me an even bigger part of the show.

I am thinking of writing to Hasbro and demanding that I always be the primary character in every episode.

Your Mostly Excluded Monarch,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm not a hundred percent sure if Pinkie Pie is related to me or not. While it would be nice, that page was mighty smudged. You wouldn't happen to have any genealogy records up there that could help us solve this mystery would you? If you do, could we take a look at it? It would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Applejack

Dear Princess Celestia,

The page may be smudged by in my heart I know it is true that I am Applejack's fourth cousin twice removed.

Happy I'm Related to Applejack,

Pinkie Pie

To My Bitchy, Inferior Monarch

You know what, be glad you got some airtime Twilight. I am almost never seen, at all. How the hell do you think that makes me feel? Yes I am angry but I'm not going to go bitching about it non-stop and I have no plans on writing to Hasbro demanding that I get more air time.

I am surprised though that Pinkie figured out how to read that scroll as genealogy scrolls even prove to be a challenge for me. If I were you I wouldn't worry about whether she is related to them or not, just go to the spa and forget all your troubles.

Your Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack,

Yeah we have genealogy records up here but you'd have to come up, ask me and I would have to lead you in there. Sorry but the chances of me having time to do that are slim. I will either be busy eating cake or having to put up with one of Twilight's bitching rants.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Pinkie Pie,

What you feel in your heart is meaningless. If everything we thought was true in our hearts actually was true, Twilight would be nothing more than an overgrown bug that we could kill with an oversized fly swatter.

To be honest, don't count on ever finding out if you two are related.

Not Caring if You're Related to Applejack,

Princess Celestia

Rainbow Falls

To Equestria's Worst Monarch,

I learned something very interesting today, Crash is a disloyal cunt. Yep, she is a disloyal cunt. Here is what she did, she was going to take part in the trials for the Equestria Games with our Ponyville team which consisted of two below average flyers but when one of the Wonderblots was injured, they offered her a chance to fly with them.

Once this happened, the little bitch tried to hide her disloyalty by practicing with both teams until I caught her and approached her over it. Luckily I was there to set that disloyal bitch straight and after faking an injury, she finally did what was right and competed with the Ponyville team. I know I bitch about Ponyville being a dump but I'm glad they qualified. That way I can come up with the excuse to go watch them up in the Empire when my real reason for going will be seducing as many hot mares as I can.

Now that Crash has truly proven her disloyalty, I say it is time for you to replace her. All of my old friends were loyal but I still think Twinkleshine would be the best one. We may not have to use the Elements anymore but still, we need a good pony who will be loyal to me. Once we get back to that dump you cursed me to, I will be waiting at the train station for a pony deserving of being in my presence.

Much, Much Better than You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am assuming you are likely mad at me over what nearly happened but put yourself in my hooves. If you had a chance to compete alongside your lifelong heroes, wouldn't you do it? I know Twilight likely told you what happened but why would you even believe that lying bitch, much less side with her? Oh well, my team will go up to the Equestria Games, beat the odds and win gold medals!

Sincerely,

Rainbow Dash

To My Bitchy Little Princess,

Give me a break Twily. You honestly think that I would reward you just because you got Crash to see the light and compete for Ponyville? Yes I am happy that you set her straight but still, that does not warrant me rewarding you. I am going to be honest, I was actually thinking of replacing her until you asked me to. Now, tough shit Twily, Crashie shall continue to be cursed upon you.

Your Always Nice Monarch,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rainbow Crash,

You better be glad you decided to compete for Ponyville in the end. Had you not, not only would I have disqualified Cloudsdale, but I would have had you, Fleetfoot and Spitfire flogged a hundred times in the square below my balcony. Now you better not pull anything like this again or I will do much worse than flog you, I will force you to move in with Twilight.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I don't have any lifelong heroes. I am the most powerful pony in existence so why would I idolize some inferior? Oh and one other thing, keep track of that trinket that Spitfire gave you. It may come in handy someday.

Three's A Crowd

Dear Princess Trollestia,

I am not thrilled with what happened today. Cadence and I had got together not just to go to the Starswirl exhibit, but to have some fun and suddenly Discord shows up, with some blue flu. Ok, I know something ain't right here because I have never heard of this flu and while I wasn't completely sure, I thought he was faking this illness.

Remember how I thought you turned him to stone for out trolling you? Now I am certain that is true because while you can troll really bad, he has magical abilities to troll anypony and everypony! I'll admit his musical number was good but all that for a damn tiny glass of water? Here I always thought Rarity was a drama queen but Discord put her to shame here.

Now for what really pissed me off, the two of us having to pull this huge ass chariot of his out to the edge of Equestria just to retrieve some flower to make an elixir? To top that off, we could have died because of some hungry snake monster. And the absolute worst, he faked his illness. All that time that the two of us could have been having fun was ruined. I suppose one positive though was that snake monster coughed on him and made him legitimately sick.

Now I want to know something, did you put him up to this? Did you put him up to trolling us so that we could not enjoy our time together? If so, I will know that you are a pathetic cunt who can't do her own trolling, a cunt who has to contact someone whose magical abilities far surpass yours to do it for you. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't have him do this because you want Cadence for yourself!

What a dirty aunt you really are, wanting to screw a blood relative. Mark my words Tia, you will pay for ruining our day like this.

Mad You Stopped Me From Having Fun,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Aunt Celestia,

You were behind this, weren't you? I know how you work and how you hate the idea of Twilight having fun so you had the only one better than you at trolling inconvenience us, didn't you? Well you may have won this time but I think I'll just have to stay in Ponyville for longer and Twilight and I can rock the night away. If Shining Armor gets upset over me staying late, I'll just say "family bonding" is more important than him.

Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you are jealous and you want Twilight for yourself! Well you aren't getting her because she is mine!

The Sexiest Princess,

Princess Cadence

Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to thank you for ordering me to troll Twilight and Cadence. That is the most fun I have had in eons, even funner than trapping Twilight and her acquaintances in that hedge maze! If you ever want me to troll any of them again, let me know.

Sincerely,

Discord

To Equestria's Worst Princess,

First off I am appalled that you would accuse innocent little me of having Discord troll you and your little mistress, I mean sister-in-law. You should know that I would never engage in such activities! I'm going to admit though, the fact that he prevented you and Cadence from having fun was quite hilarious.

Now about you two literally flying him to the edge of Equestria proved that you aren't that much of a bitch. For all I know you may actually consider Discord a friend and simply be hiding it from everypony. I'm sure if that is the truth, PETA girl will know you don't want friendship with her and will never put out, ever. Now I know exactly how to prevent you from getting any action, just summon the Lord of Chaos and let the hilarious times ensue!

Equestria's Best Princess,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Before Shining Armor came along, I was the only action Cadence ever got and to make things even funnier, there are still times when she chooses me over you!

To My Sexy Little Niece,

You seriously think I did this because I want Twilight? If I truly wanted her, I wouldn't have banished her to Ponyville. I'm going to let you in on a little secret, it wasn't just her being a little bitch who wanted to usurp my power that caused me to send her away. Her constant failing her night time exams had a lot to do with it as well.

Sincerely,

Your Hot Auntie Tia

Dear Discord,

When it comes to those six, feel free to troll away anytime you want! Seeing them get all frustrated like that is too hilarious for you to not make it happen!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

Mane Swap: The Royal Edition

Pinkie Pride

To the Most Useless Monarch,

What the hell is it with this town? Here they were wasting time by holding another party and to make matters worse, it is for Crash's birthday. I am not one bit pleased because they have never once halted all activities and let everypony off of work to celebrate MY birthday, which is the only one that matters.

Now Pinkie was obviously trying to get into Rainbow's coat because she was trying to make this the funnest party ever. Now I don't find either one of them even remotely attractive but I honestly think they should have just gave everypony a live porno and called it a day but oh no, they just had to make our lives miserable with a party.

Now as you know I generally hate your trolling but I am glad you sent that Cheese Sandwich idiot our way. He upstaged my party planning acquaintance, made us all forget she existed and made her cry. Now I was really hoping she would have fled town, went into the forest and fell prey to some timberwolves. Had that happened, you would have either had no choice to either let me come home or send Minuette to replace her since she likes parties too.

In the end that Cheese idiot and Pinkie threw Rainbow the lamest party ever and Pinkie wound up getting some stupid rubber chicken out of it. I'm quite certain that she is happy because if Rainbow won't put out for her, she can rape that thing till the end of her days.

Sick of Lame Parties,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Rainbow Dash proved to be a meany-mean hooves disloyal bitch. She, Twibitch and my other friends ran off to Cheese's party they were throwing. They left me like I didn't even exist. If you ask me, you need to make Twilight go home! In the end though I did learn Cheese wasn't as much of a meany-mean hooves as Dashie was and he did give me a cool rubber chicken.

Your Sad Subject,

Pinkie Pie

To My Useless Little Princess,

You honestly expect them to celebrate your birthday? Come on, outside of the spa twins everypony hates you. To be honest, I'm even starting to wonder about them because you haven't mentioned them in a while. What happened, did they finally decide to have standards and purged you from their lives? I certainly hope so because you aren't deserving of them.

Oh and regarding that party, I don't get why you went. You can barely stand Crash and I thought you weren't a fan of parties. Oh well, you degraded yourself by going to something completely useless but that still doesn't give you any hope in my eyes. You may be a princess but you still don't serve any purpose except provide Cadence comfort in that she isn't the most worthless princess anymore.

Now had Pinkie ran off and died, I would have blamed you for following that idiot Sandwich Dude or whatever his name was and not only would I have not let you come home but I would have found some horrible bitch to curse upon you....oh and to make things extra fun, I would have extended your life by another thousand years.

Now do me a favor and stop doing dumb shit just so you can bitch to me about it.

The Most Important Monarch,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Nopony gives a shit about your birthday. Hell, even I have forgot what day it was, June 31st I think but I can't be completely sure. Whatever day it was, it certainly wouldn't be worth celebrating.

Dear Pinkie Pie,

I'll tell you exactly why Crash ran off to that other party. She secretly hates you and doesn't want you annoying her. You have been annoying her for a very long time and I would have thought that when she chose Gilda over you so long ago you would have known that she doesn't see you as a friend. Oh well, at least you didn't run away and get killed by timberwolves so it isn't all bad for you.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Could you do me a favor and not lose that rubber chicken? It may be needed for something important later on, something like slapping Twilight or pleasing yourself with since Crash obviously doesn't want you.

Filli Vanilli

Dear Princess Horrid Voice,

Remember that ballad you sang when you ascended me? I know that you thought you sounded so sexy when you did it but you didn't. I have found a pony with the sexiest singing voice ever, PETA girl. Yep, my acquaintances and I caught her singing and I got wet simply hearing her. You have no idea how hard it was for me to not just issue an executive order, lead her to the library and initiate her but I figured that with her, I want it to be real because after hearing her sing, I may want more than friendship someday.

Of course Rarity wanted her to sing with her little group but Fluttershy has stage fright. I'm beginning to think she won't let me initiate her because she is scared of the upstairs of the library. Mark my words though, one day I will bag her and she will realize that Rarity simply isn't all that good.

Now for the bad thing that happened, Big Mac lost his voice and Rarity's group needed a deep voice so they had Fluttershy drink poison joke so she would sound like a deep voiced stallion. Ugh, at that moment I was turned off by her and as long as she sounds like a dude, no way in hell would I try and initiate her. I do have standards after all and a mare that sounds like a stallion is way below them. I like my mares sounding like mares, as they should.

Now what was truly horrible is Fluttershy had that deep voice for days until Big Mac's voice finally got better, Fluttershy was exposed for singing for him and then she drank the antidote for poison joke. Once again she sounded like her sweet, sexy self and I wanted to initiate her so bad. I even approached her over it multiple times and she continued to shoot me down. Does that little bitch not know what she is missing? If she would just give me a chance, she would never want to screw Rarity ever again.

I'll be honest, if she ever does decide to put out for me, I'm certain she'd want a whole lot more than friendship with me. If she wanted that, staying in this dump would definitely be worth it.

Wanting PETA Girl,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Fluttershy,

Please, just give me a chance. I know that if you do, you will realize how much better than Rarity I am and just think about it this way, you could wind up becoming the marefriend of a PRINCESS! Being the marefriend of a princess would offer a lot more perks than being a friend with benefits to a sub-par dressmaker.

Wanting You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My PETA Girl Wanting Princess,

Oh good grief, get over it already. You will never get Fluttershy in your bed and the fact that you honestly think she would want to even be friends, much less marefriends, with you shows that you are completely delusional. I get it, you think she is sexy and you want her so bad you can hardly stand it.

I do agree with you, she is hot but unlike you, I don't have any dreams or desires to get her in bed. I think you really need to get over her just like Spike needs to get it through his thick skull that he'll never score with Rarity. Is it something with individuals who live in trees? Is it something with you that you want to "befriend" those who you know you'll never have a chance with?

Just leave Fluttershy alone, go to the spa and let your troubles be forgotten, alright?

Equestria's Best Princess,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twiskank,

What part of no do you not get? You constantly ask me if you can "initiate" me and I say no. Now why in the hell would you think I would want to be your marefriend? I think I know why, it is because you just want an excuse to get into my coat whenever you want. Forget that, I have Rarity and she treats me like a queen.

I have some advice for you Twibitch, you have the spa twins so just so screw them and leave me the hell alone. Face it, you will NEVER initiate me, never.

Wishing You'd Leave Me Alone,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

I am so happy that you finally decided to join the Ponytones and share that beautiful voice with everypony the same way you share that sexy body of yours with me. Don't worry, I won't make you perform all the time but every time you do, I'll let you dominate me and be incredibly rough. How does that sound?

Wanting You Like Always,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Seriously, you'll let me dominate you and be rough with you every time I perform? Sweet, I'll perform every time then and after that, I'll rock your world, got that sexy girl?

Ready to Dominate You,

The Sexiest Pegasus Ever, Fluttershy

Author's Note

The Prelude to lots and lots of "fun!"

Twilight Time

To Princess Celestia,

I am officially pissed, and I mean extremely pissed. I know the cutie mark cult is nothing more than a group of little bitches but this time they went too far. I took those three into my home to teach them things so that maybe they would quit whining about being blank flanks but what do they do? They wound up taking advantage of me because I am a princess.

Here was their problem, they were sick and tired of being losers nopony gave a shit about at their school and thought that they could show up one of the rich fillies that got all the attention. I am going to tell you this right now Celestia, you have no idea how much I wanted to kill those three and eventually, kill their whole damn class when they brought them over for the "Twilight Time" I had set up for them.

Hell even them taking me out to lunch was nothing more than a scam, there I was eating like I normally do thinking nopony will notice but then their whole damn class was outside taking pictures of me and probably laughing because I am not the cleanest eater. Also, apparently those little bastards must have got it in their heads that I go wherever those little bitches go. What a crock of shit, I can't stand those three to start with and now, now if I could get away with it I would slaughter them in front of their sisters and feast on their flesh.

In the end I did decide to be nice one more time and helped them learn how to do the crap I was teaching them. Now though, I'm through being a nice pony. I tried it once and it bit me in the ass. Perhaps you should take this as a learning lesson, before you go being all sweet and kind towards the fillies you teach, just know they'll stab you in the back when you least expect it.

Now that this is over, my days of helping others is over. I will not allow myself to be stabbed in the back again and if those little cunts cross my path again, I WILL kill and eat them. That way they can't wrong me nor can they wrong you, everypony wins, right!

Hungry for CMC Meat,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Cutie Mark Cult,

I'm done helping you little bitches. You took advantage of me solely because I am a princess. I get it, you wanted to show up the rich bitches in your class but still, what you did was wrong. What I did for you was the nicest thing I ever did for anypony yet you took advantage of me like I was nothing.

Don't come asking me for help anymore, for anything. I despise you three almost as much as I despise Celestia so I would advise you steer clear of me if you know what is good for you.

Hating Your Guts,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twibitch,

Did I hear you right, you actually helped somepony out of the goodness of your heart? Wow I never once imagined that would happen. I suppose you aren't as big of a bitch as I thought you were but there is one thing that you did wrong that has caused me to be disappointed in you. Had I been in your situation, I would have killed those fillies on the spot. Believe it or not, I think that situation would have warranted a death sentence, an immediate death sentence.

However, because you did not kill them on the spot, you can not go out and kill them now and go unpunished. Let that be a lesson to you, a princess needs to make quick decisions and when it comes to dishing out punishments, it must be done quickly. Perhaps next time you will know to act more quickly when somepony does something like this to you.

Now I am going to let you in on something. When I first started reading your letter, I felt a genuine amount of sympathy for you. When I saw that you had been taken advantage of, I decided that you could come home and we could work on repairing our relationship UNTIL you brought up killing and eating those fillies in front of their sisters.

Oh Twily, you were so close, so so close to getting to come home but you just had to fuck that up, didn't you? Damn it sucks to be you, doesn't it? :trollestia:

Glad I'm Not You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Twilight,

We know what we did was wrong and if we promise that we won't do anything to you ever again, will you stop being mad at us, pleeeease? :applecry:

Sincerely,

Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo

To a Shit Eating, Lying Bitch,

You were going to let me come home until I brought up killing and feasting on those little cunts' corpses? That right there is proof that you are nothing but an insincere, trolling bitch. If you gave half a fuck about Equestria's monarchy, you wouldn't have cared what I said, you would have let me free myself from this dump but oh no, you just have to continue to allow me to be miserable.

Now I hope the fillies up there stab you in the back, literally. Hell I'll even find them some spears to loan them. Now go do Equestria a favor and choke to death on some cake.

Despising You More than Ever,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

ENN Special: Princess Twilight Uncouth?

Report by Equestria News Network

Sunday, 23 February 2014

As everypony knows, a couple years ago a report in the school newspaper in Ponyville depicted Princess Celestia in a negative light but she isn't the only royal who may not be as elegant as most ponies would think. A while back in Ponyville, the same fillies that depicted our beloved Princess Celestia in a negative light and were punished in a just yet not harsh way are at it again. They have brought another princess into the light, Princess Twilight

While many only saw the fillies that those three, known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, go to school with had got plenty of photos of the event, we were able to obtain exclusive video from The Hay Burger that documents proof that can not be denied that our newest princess is definitely uncouth and perhaps even not fit to rule.

Throughout Equestria's history, our princesses have always conducted themselves in a way that makes them appear regal and on a different level than the rest of us but right here, Princess Twilight is behaving as though she is still a commoner and while we can not be sure, we are quite certain that our beloved Royal Pony Sisters will not be thrilled with it. While we are uncertain as to whether or not she will be punished, we do know that this will make her reputation even worse than it already is.

We were able to interview Princess Celestia over the matter and here is what she said,

"Princess Celestia, I am not sure if you have seen it or not but there is video evidence that Princess Twilight was stuffing her face at The Hay Burger in Ponyville. On the video, she is simply burying her face in her food and her face is covered in sauce. What is your opinion of this?"

"As you know, the royalty here in Equestria has always conducted itself in a manner that will not cause our subjects to look down upon us or make us look like we are on the same level with them or in some instances, worse. When it comes to Twilight, I am not thrilled but I am not surprised either. She always has been a step below the rest of us and this is proof that she is even lower than a beggar on a street corner in Manehattan."

"It is obvious that you are not thrilled with her actions here. What would the normal punishment be for such conduct by a princess and do you plan on executing the normal punishment?"

"The normal punishment for an princess who was ascended would be removing her wings, stripping her of her title and serving ten years in the dungeon for embarrassing the country. Here is the thing though, Twilight despises Ponyville, she is constantly making the lives of the acquaintances she should have befriended horrible, she is always wanting to sexually assault one of them and since I don't like her acquaintances that much, I plan on allowing her to stay in Ponyville and continue to make everypony miserable."

"Wow, that is harsh your Majesty."

"I know it is but I do have a feeling that their country lifestyle may have rubbed off on her. I have a feeling that had I never sent her down there that she may never have become uncouth like this, I have a feeling that she may have remained more refined and behaved in a more respectful manner if she still lived here and was firmly under my wings."

"Regarding that, why did you send her down there to start with?"

"I sent her down there because I could sense that she wanted to ultimately learn enough to ascend herself and try to overthrow me, well that and she needed to set up a proper ceremony that would glorify me in a way that I deserve."

"I see. Well that is all the time we have for now your Majesty. You have a good rest of your day and may your eternity be filled with nothing but pleasant events, prosperity and naturally, plenty of respectful and subservient students."

"You have a good day as well."

Now we also tried to get a comment from Princess Twilight but she has holed herself up in The Ponyville Day Spa and refuses to comment on the issue. If we can eventually get a comment from her, we will bring it to you.

This is all the time we have to cover this issue. After the commercial break, the sports report.

It Ain't Easy Being Breezies

To Equestria's Lousiest Monarch,

Here we go again, this dump is shutting down shop once again for another dumb event. What was it this time? These stupid critters that PETA girl cares about way too much are passing through town. I think she called them buzzers, buzzies, breezers or some dumb shit like that. The fact that she would throw a whole festival for these things is proof that she either has too much time on her hooves or needs to find a hobby, such as letting me initiate her over and over again.

Now something pathetic about these things, they need pegasi to create a breeze so their magic will fire up and their pollen won't go bad. Seriously, they need the help of us ponies just for that. That right there is proof that like so many other things in this world, they are undeserving of life and we would all be much better off if they were exterminated. If you're looking for somepony to eradicate these pests, I'll gladly do it!

Now something happened that caused me to wonder if she had been dropped on her head as a filly a few too many times. She took the damn things into her home when she knew they needed to get their asses going home before this portal into their homeland closed. Now that right there is bad, very bad. We do not need portals opening up here in Equestria that inferior creatures can pass through and cause us problems. I'm all for one of us draining that portal of its energy and leaving those dumb things to die in their own territory.

After hours of her putting up with them, she finally got it through her thick, Rarity screwing skull that they needed to get going but just so they could, I got a chance to show off my vastly superior magic and turned us into mosquito-pony hybrids so we could take them home since they're obviously too stupid to do it themselves. Odd thing is, once I transformed us, she started screaming "Maifo flai batendud!" or something that the rest of us didn't understand. Maybe we need to keep an eye on her, she may be making plans with those things for them to use some disease from their country to exterminate a good part of the population.

Finally we got those dumb things home, got out of there but I'm certain Fluttershy was making sinister plans with them since it took her the longest to get back into Equestria. Perhaps I should use torture as a method to make her reveal what plans she is making with those things. I know that portal will open again sometime and I really don't want those things bringing a virus from their homeland to kill me. I could see her wanting to do that too since she constantly rejects my offerings of friendship.

Maybe I should threaten her. Maybe I should threaten that I will kill those things the next time they come to Equestria if she continues to reject my friendship offerings. I'm certain that will make her want to be my friend in nothing flat!

Wanting to Initiate Fluttershy and Eradicate PETA Girl's Bugs,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

You have got to do something! I heard Twilight talking about how she vowed to exterminate the breezies if they ever came back to Equestria! Could yo please just let her return to Canterlot so she won't go through with this horrible plan?

Hoping You'll Take Twilight Home,

Fluttershy

To My Glorified Bug Hating Inferior Monarch,

I have a question Twilight, did you take part in that festival for those little pests solely so you could bitch to me about it? I honestly think you only do half the crap you do just so you can cause me undue stress. Look, if you hate things like this so much, just either go hole yourself up in the spa, go to that old castle of mine or hide in that torture chamber of yours. Nopony ever said you had to give those glorified mosquitoes the time of day.

Now it doesn't surprise me that PETA girl would put those things ahead of you but outside of the spa twins, I think that pretty much everypony would put getting beheaded ahead of you. That is how undesirable you really are, most ponies would choose death over having to put up with you. How those acquaintances have put up with you for so long is beyond me. The only thing that kept me from killing you from the moment you matured onwards is because I couldn't make you miserable if you were dead....nor could I punish you with banishment to a shitty town that throws parties over bugs.

Now Twilight, you know you're not going to get PETA girl in bed by exterminating those pests she loves so much, don't you? It is just like with wanting to exterminate the rabbits, frogs and parasprites, she isn't going to want to let you initiate her over it.

Laughing PETA Girl Put Bugs Ahead of You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh about what PETA girl said that nopony understood, I have no idea what the hell it means but yeah, we better keep an eye on her in the event she is scheming with those bugs to do something bad to one of us.

Oh and on a final note, if you choose to torture her, write to me and tell me what you did. I'm certain it will be full of juicy details!

Dear PETA Girl,

So what if she wants to exterminate those breezie things? You're not going to believe this but I actually hope she does so just to spite you because you won't let her initiate you. Now if you'll just let her make you her friend so she'll quit bitching about it all the time, I might do something to protect those pests. Key word though, might!

Not Caring About the Breezies,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If you don't let her initiate you, I will HELP her exterminate those things solely to spite you. I'm sick and tired of her bitching and it is in your hooves to shut her up so please, get her to shut up.

Oh and one more thing, don't lose that flower that the bitchy buzzer, buzzie or whatever the hell they are called gave you, you may need it someday.

Somepony to Watch Over Me

Dear Princess Celestia,

Here we go again, yet another episode without me in it. Yes normally I would be in a bad mood but this time was different. I had a spa appointment, an extremely long, three way pampering in the steam room so I suppose them leaving me out this time is fine. They better not make this a regular occurrence though because I deserve as much air time as possible. Unfortunately though, I was unable to coerce PETA Girl to join me in the spa. I swear, she doesn't know what she is missing.

Not Upset for Once,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Applejack told me about some commune of backwards hicks living out in the middle of nowhere. I would advise you tax them and give that money to me for all the problems I have had to put up with in life.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Could you please tell my sister to never baby me again. Come on, I am not a baby and I proved that by getting those pies past that monster. You have no idea how embarrassing it was for my friends to see me in a damn crib. They may not have shown it but I could sense them laughing on the inside.

Your Young Subject,

Apple Bloom

Dear Princess Celestia,

Could you do something about that monster in the swamp? It nearly ate Apple Bloom and it always causes me problems on my pie deliveries when I have to go that way. I would greatly appreciate it if you would kill it or at least relocate it.

Your Humble Subject,

Applejack

To My Not Upset Princess,

Wait a minute, am I hearing this right? You finally decided to take my advice for when you are excluded and went to the spa for some pampering? I never thought I would see this day arrive but I am not happy with you for one reason. I am not happy because you did not invite me. You know I have been wanting a four way with you and the spa twins ever since you started screwing them. Next time you better invite me or I'll simply take them away from you.

Your Spa Twin Desiring Superior,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am not going to tax a bunch of hillbillies who still use the barter system. I could enslave them if I wanted but they'd likely be more trouble than they're worth.

On a final note, you will never get to initiate Fluttershy, ever so quit whining about it.

To My Young and Stupid Subject,

How about you tell somepony who gives a flying fuck. I have much bigger things to worry about than Applejack sticking you in a crib. If I had my way though, I'd get a picture of you in that crib, publish it in every newspaper with the headline, "Apple Bloom is Actually a Baby."

Laughing at You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack,

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told your bitchy little sister, tell somepony who gives a flying fuck. That Chimera in the swamp isn't causing me any problems so why should I either exterminate it or eradicate it? If you don't want to mess with it anymore, don't deliver pies to hillbillies in the middle of nowhere.

Not Caring About Your Problems,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

The Chimera, another amazing mythological creature brought to us by MLP: FiM

Maud Pie

To Equestria's Lousiest Princess,

Well I am officially pissed, again. Get this, ADHD girl had the audacity to wake me and my acquaintances up and drag us to the sweets' shop to taste rock candy BEFORE DAWN. The reason she did it is pathetic, her sister was coming into town and she needed us to be taste testers. Seriously, it was damn rock candy and I wasn't the only one who was irritated by this. Believe it or not but all of us were pissed and our teeth wound up hurting. I never had rock candy before but I do vow this, I'm never eating that shit again.

Her sister showed up and she actually expected us to befriend her. Seriously? This pony has basically zero personality, zero emotion and that voice, ugh....so bland and monotone. I'm not sure whether to think one of the two was adopted or that this was some sort of joke on Pinkie's part to inconvenience and troll all of us.

Like I said, Pinkie expected us to befriend her. Seriously, we are supposed to befriend somepony that boring? No thanks, she would bore me to death and her taste in poetry is terrible. It isn't about two hot mares getting it on, it is all about rocks. Seriously though, she needs something to occupy her time with, something such as being a bloodthirsty killer, being a taxidermist or at the very least, she needs to find herself a good mare to brighten up her mundane, most likely miserable life.

Also, just when I thought Pinkie couldn't get any dumber, she hit a new low, to try and cause us to become friends with Maud, she set up some stupid obstacle course that involves our favorite activities, including a large pile of rocks at the end and in her infinite idiocy, she went through it first and nearly got smashed by the rocks.

When I saw that pile of rocks collapsing and Pinkie likely living in her final seconds, I was elated. I thought that her own stupidity would purge her from my life, shatter this Element bond and then I could come home and be with my old friends, not just mere acquaintances. Unfortunately Maud is a quick mover and good at smashing rocks so she wound up crushing my hopes of Pinkie dying when she smashed some rocks.

Damn it. Here I was so close to being free of them and a pony with zero personality had to go and ruin it. Perhaps if I'm lucky the next time ADHD Girl's stupidity could lead to her demise, that boring sister of hers won't be anywhere around.

Wishing Pinkie Had Died,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

My friends and Twibitch are awful! They couldn't be friends with Maud just because they are different. So what if she is quiet and has nothing in common with them, they could have still been friends. Hey, Twilight is very close with the spa twins and they have absolutely nothing in common! What is wrong with them, why wouldn't they just befriend Maud?

Curious,

Pinkie Pie

To My Death Wishing Inferior Princess,

Seriously, you wish Pinkie would have died because of the shit she put you through? Ok, I suppose I can understand you wanting her to die over waking you up early to taste rock candy but all the other stuff? From what you have told me that sister of hers does sound boring as hell and rock poetry isn't exactly my thing either but I certainly wouldn't wish death upon Pinkie for having me meet Maud.

The obstacle course? From what you told me it does sound like Pinkie had a death wish there but I commend Maud for saving her. It would have been a shame had she let Pinkie die and improved your quality of life, at least she has that going for her. She loves her sister and she likes to see you suffer so maybe she ain't that bad.

Just so you know, even had Pinkie died, I would not have let you come home. I did not cast that spell to make you live for at least 3,000 more years so you could make me miserable, I did it so you could make Ponyville miserable. I have some advice for you, go to the spa, get a pampering session in the steam room and just forget about this, you'll be a lot happier.

Your Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

To Pinkie Pie,

It actually doesn't surprise me that your friends and Twilight couldn't befriend Maud. It isn't a matter of them not liking her, it is just a matter of them not meshing. Now regarding Twilight and the spa twins having nothing in common, let me be clear, so clear even your primitive brain can register it. Twilight and the spa twins like screwing each other in the steam room. That is more than enough in common for them to be besties.

Oh and regarding that obstacle course, Twilight told me about it and I have to agree with her, you are an idiot. Thankfully Maud was there to prevent Twilight's quality of life from improving. Just do everypony a favor in the future and don't put yourself in stupid situations where you could die, alright? It would be a crying shame if you weren't around to make Twilight miserable.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Leap of Faith

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

Alright, I've had it. I quit, I fucking quit. They have excluded me AGAIN! Five times this season and three times in the past four weeks. Could you just tell God-Emperor Goldner that I'm sick of this shit? I am the reason this generation of ponies exist and now they exclude me more than they include me. I don't care if I have to wander through the wastes of retired cartoon characters, it would beat being excluded in favor of other characters and especially ponies of lesser races.

I quit,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I thought you would have done something to punish Flim and Flam after trying to run me out of business but this time they served my Granny some tonic and all of a sudden she thought she was a filly again. I'm not sure what that crap really does but I know it must cloud a pony's common sense because Granny tried to do a high dive into a damn bowl of water! She could have died had I not lassoed her at the last moment. Now if that ain't a good reason to lock them up, I don't know what is.

Angry With Flim and Flam,

Applejack

Dear Princess Celestia,

I could have set the Equestrian high dive record had Applejack not lassoed me at the last second! I can't believe she would do that but I'm a might upset that Flim and Flam returned to Ponyville after I ran them off last time. Could you please lock them up for all the trouble they cause?

Your Humble Subject,

Granny Smith

To the Once Again Excluded Monarch,

Go ahead, go and tell Goldner that you're going to quit. When you signed your contract, it had a "no quit" clause in it so you can't quit. Perhaps I should send him a letter letting him know of your intentions and when he tells you that you can't quit, he'll tell the writers to relocate Aloe and Lotus to Canterlot and then you won't have anypony down in that dump that will give a fuck about you, much less fuck you.

Just quit your bitching, go to the spa and everything will be fine.

Telling it Like it is,

Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack and Granny Smith,

I am sorry but Flim and Flam have yet to break any laws so I am not going to punish them. Now I did get a sample of that tonic and after the lab did a test on it, all it is is a mixture of beet juice and apple juice so it is a harmless mixture of juice. Granny, I would advise that you take things easy and not fall into the traps of con-ponies again.

I would like to know one thing though, where the hell did you two get that big bag of bits that you paid those two for all that tonic? That would have likely been more than enough to get Granny's hip fixed. Oh well, it ain't any skin off of my flank so I suppose I shouldn't even give a shit.

Not Caring About Your Problems,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh Applejack, don't spend that bit that pony with the glasses gave you or lose it because it may come in handy at some time. Why I'm not sure but something is telling me that you'll need it at some point in the future.

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3

To the Worst Monarch Ever,

Alright, I've come to the conclusion that Crash is an even bigger idiot than I thought, again. She has a test to take that could determine whether or not she could join the newly formed Wonderbolts' Reserves. Why the hell would they create a reservists' group. Are they running out of legitimately good flyers so they decided to form a group for the mediocre flyers and give them a tiny bit of hope that they may be worthy of being part of that narcissistic group someday?

Like I said, she had a test and I made the mistake of trying to help her study for it. I'm pretty sure you know how that turned out, it turned out to be a complete disaster. The dumb bitch doesn't get history lecture, she doesn't get flash cards and she failed her pop quiz miserably. I decided to just let her fail but then my miserable acquaintances just had to help her.

PETA Girl tried a play, Pinkie tried a rap number, Rarity tried fashion and Applejack tried apples. After all that we lost all hope and I decided to go on one last flight with her before she hopefully killed herself. Too bad she wouldn't have because then you would have had to either let me come home or replace her with one of my sexy friends from up there, although the first would have been better because I could have had five of them all at once.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of learning she learns by observing shit as she flies so despite me being dead set against it, my acquaintances decided to con every idiot in this town to try and help her learn it as she flew over. Sadly, she learned it and ultimately got into the reserves. Maybe she will crash and die in some of her sub-par flying exercises and then I can get a friend to join me down here.

Feeling Stupid I helped Rainbow,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh! I got into the Wonderbolts' Reserves thanks to everypony down here. Believe it or not but even your bitchy little subordinate helped me. I never once imagined that she cared enough to want me to succeed. Now if I ever become a full fledged Wonderbolt, perhaps my hatred for her lessen a bit, not likely but maybe!

The Newest Wonderbolt Reserve,

Rainbow Dash

To My Inferior Little Princess,

You helped Rainbow Crash? Why in the hell would you help the acquaintance you claim to hate the most? I am thinking that either you don't hate those acquaintances as much as you claim. Perhaps there is hope for you after all. Who knows, if you help those inferiors enough, I may actually consider letting you come home, key word though, maybe!

Now regarding Crash getting into the reserves and dying in some training exercise. If that does happen, I will not replace her with somepony you would want me to. I'd just go find Lightning Dust and send her down there instead solely so I could make ALL of your lives much more miserable.

Not Caring Crash Got in the Reserves,

Princess Celestia

Dear Crash,

Tell somepony who gives a shit, alright? If you honestly think I care about you getting into the Wonderbolt Reserves you are sadly mistaken. Now I must cut this letter short because I have a fresh cake being delivered to me.

Not Caring About Your Life,

Princess Celestia

Trade Ya!

Dear Princess Lazy Ass,

I'm a new princess and yet you send me out to some traders' exchange just so I could settle disputes between idiots who think trades are unfair? Look, I had a full weekend in the steam room planned and yet I have to cut it short over something you could have either done yourself or sent Luna or Cadence to do? I swear, you have to be the laziest princess of all time. You can't handle villains on your own nor can you even do something as simple as a traders' exchange. Hell, I'm surprised you don't need me to come up there and wipe your ass for you as well.

Now I will admit that I was thrilled when everypony flocked to me and worshiped me like I was the best thing in the world. I suppose maybe I should be happy that you sent me to this because nothing feels better than being worshiped but that doesn't negate the fact that you are a lazy bitch who sits up there and does nothing but stuff your face with cake and screw my old friends.

For the most part this was boring as hell until I had to fix things when Crash wanted a Daring Do book so bad that she wound up trading away PETA Girl for it. Given that Fluttershy constantly rejects my advances and won't let me initiate her, I shouldn't have allowed the trade to be called off but I did because I still think that maybe someday she will let me initiate her, or better yet, become something more special.

Wanting Fluttershy (Still),

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can't believe I'm saying this but for once I have to agree with Twilight. Rainbow Dash needs to be replaced. That disloyal bitch nearly succeeded in trading me away for a book. Seriously, she wanted to trade me away for a fucking book! Now I don't know how you would do it or who you would replace her with, just get her the hell out of here. Disloyalty is something that needs to be punished and punished severely! Perhaps lunar banishment for a few eons would be appropriate for her.

Oh and as far as replacing her, send down Twinkleshine so she could do what Twilight can't, initiate me. I've seen her a few times and she is incredibly hot, so hot she makes me wet. If not her, the blue one would work too because she isn't bad herself either. To be honest, I'd even settle for the yellow one if it meant some other unicorn could get to me before Twilight does.

Wanting Some Other Unicorn to Initiate Me,

Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know it was wrong of me to try and trade Fluttershy for a Daring Do book but I did realize that I was wrong before it was too late so it isn't all bad, right? Surprisingly, Fluttershy isn't real mad at me but Twibitch is still pretty mad that I nearly traded away a pony that she constantly stalks. Whatever punishment you have planned for me I will accept it because I deserve it.

Sorry I Tried to Trade Fluttershy for a Book,

Rainbow Dash

To Princess Bitchy Ass,

Oh for the love of Faust, ponies adore you, or at least pretend to, and you still bitch about it? Good grief, I am honestly beginning to think that nothing short of being the sole monarch in this land will get you to shut up, and that would only be if you had Fluttershy as your slave.

Now I am going to say that I am glad that you halted that trade involving Fluttershy and that book. Had you allowed that to go through, not only would I have made you immortal, but I would have found five ponies that you are far less compatible with, made them immortal too and cursed them upon you for all eternity.

Oh and I'm going to tell you this AGAIN. Don't count on ever initiating Fluttershy. To her, you are nothing more than a whiny bitch and she must not find you all that attractive to start with. If she did, she may have at least flirted with you a bit or if you were lucky, gave you a kiss on the cheek. Oh well, you have the spa twins so you should be happy.

Your Vastly Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You aren't even worthy of wiping my ass so don't worry about it, I won't make you do that.

Dear Fluttershy,

I know you are upset that Crash tried to trade you away for a book and think she needs to be replaced but that ain't going to happen. I figure that the worst punishment that I could dish out on her would be forcing her to stay there and have to put up with Twilight and her bitchiness.

Oh and regarding those old friends of Twilight's, I don't think they would be interested in you. I know how those three are and they like their horn sex way too much to give a non-unicorn a chance. I know you think they're hot and they think of you as nice eye candy but as far as bagging them, it ain't going to happen.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Crash,

I am appalled that you would try to trade Fluttershy away over a damn book. Hell with a friend like you, who the hell needs enemies? Now I have received various suggestions for how to punish you but I'm thinking that I should force you to move in with Twilight for a week. That should be more than enough punishment for both of you and if you pull this shit again, I'll force you to live with her for the rest of your miserable, pathetic days.

Disgusted With You,

Princess Celestia

Inspiration Manifestation

To A Waste of Space Monarch,

Well I have come to the conclusion that Spike needs to be replaced, again! In yet another failed attempt to get in Rarity's coat, the little bastard went out to your old castle, stole a book and gave it to Rarity. You see, this book had a spell in it that allowed her to create everything that she thought of. Now I am going to admit, the changes she made to this hellhole weren't half bad but I am irritated that she did not create a golden statue of me outside of the library or better yet, a castle that would be worthy of my greatness.

Given that Rarity spread so much dark magic across this dump, how about you replace her as well while you are at it. I think there is another white coated unicorn that would love it down here, one that wouldn't mind moving in with me and being a full-time, live-in "friend." Please do this because I don't know how much more of those two this dump can handle.

Wanting Twinkleshine to Live With Me,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To an Even Worse Monarch,

You know, I'm actually surprised that you give a shit about that dump you are constantly bitching about. Maybe, just maybe, you are starting to become what I hoped you would be, a pony who at least gives half a shit about something other than yourself.

Now regarding that book, I would advise that you keep a closer eye on your dragon. You should know that when he wants to get in Rarity's coat, that he will do anything, even if it is illegal. You better be glad that Luna and Cadence went down there to fix that town because had they not, you would have likely received a letter from your parents bitching about more fines I would impose on them.

Perhaps you need to permanently lock Spike in that underground torture chamber of yours because if he continues to pull shit like this, I will punish you and I'm sure Rarity wouldn't mind having a full-time, live in fashion model. Just think, you could be the Princess of Being Rarity's Slave!

Always Better than You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Like I have told you more times than I can count, I am not going to replace Spike or Rarity. You hatched Spike in your entrance exam and thus, you will be tied to him for the rest of either his natural born days or your natural born days. I will not replace Rarity because she has done nothing to prove she is worthy of being free from you. Also, Twinkleshine has done nothing to warrant banishment so get over it.

To Rarity,

Now you listen to me and listen to me closely. In the future, if you wind up casting any spells from books you have no knowledge of, especially ones that involve dark magic, I will punish your little lover. Keep it up and Fluttershy will belong to Twilight and I'm certain you don't want that!

Threatening You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

How was I supposed to know it involved dark magic? My Spikey-Wikey just wanted to help me make a contribution to The Foal and Filly Fair. Ok so maybe I went overboard but I didn't have any ill intentions, honest! And please don't punish Fluttershy for my wrongs, that is just unfair and cruel!

Rarity

To Spike,

Listen to me and listen to me good, don't you ever steal anything from my old castle again. In your fruitless attempt to get in Rarity's coat you broke the following laws. You broke an entering of government property, you stole government property and you aided and abetted an pony in casting dark magic. Normally such crimes would result in time in the dungeon or time in Tartarus at the worst but for you, those would be far too pleasant for you. Being stuck with Twilight is punishment enough for you.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

Seriously, I have to continue to suffer under her? What is it going to take for me to finally be free of her bitchiness? I wouldn't be a bit surprised if even killing you wouldn't be enough to wind up on the moon, in Tartarus or even on the sun! Maybe I should just run off to the dragon lands again. Yes Garble is an asshole but even he would be a pleasant reprieve from being Twilight's slave.

Despising You More than Ever,

Spike

Author's Note

Just imagine if she had that magic back in "Winter Wrap Up." She could have made tons and tons of nests.

Equestria Games

To the Worst Monarch Ever,

I am going to be honest, going up to the Equestria Games was actually an enjoyable experience. Yes the Ponyville relay team took silver, Spike made an ass out of himself and Ponyville won the medal count but that isn't what made it so great, it was why I was gone so much that made this trip so good, my time with Cadence!

Yes I know we missed over half the events, my brother is probably disappointed that his wife loves me more but I honestly don't care. I was able to focus on who is most important, ME! I also discovered that Cadence isn't the only one good in the sack up here, so are the girls in the spa! Maybe I should coerce them to move to Ponyville, work with Aloe and Lotus and then I could have all the spa hotties I could ever dream of!

It is a shame that the games concluded so quickly but hey, I should get more action when we have to go back to the Empire next week, more Cadence time and more spa time!

Loving Cadence,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Equestria's Sluttiest Monarch,

Now I know why so many ponies despise you and now I know why somepony attempted to assassinate you. You are not only a bitch, but you are a slut as well. All you do is screw the spa twins, constantly stalk Fluttershy and get it on with your sister-in-law on a regular basis.

I am not thrilled that you and Cadence were not by my and Luna's side while most of the events took place. There were plenty of other world leaders there and what do you think they thought when they saw that both you and Cadence were not present? The leaders from Maretonia were sitting in front of us and I heard them talking about what horrible monarchs you two are.

Now they are the guests of honor at the summit next week and I can't help but wonder what you two will say if they approach you over this. You'll probably say, "Oh, I was screwing my sister-in-law because that is way more important than these dumb games."

Now not only will that make Equestria's monarchy look bad, it will make MY mentoring skills look bad too. What if they were to spread it across the whole planet that I raised you to be a seductress? If that happens, I will punish you and you most certainly will not like it! What it would be I'm not sure but do know this, it would involve keeping you away from everypony you think is so hot.

Disgusted in the Slutty Princess,

Princess Celestia

To My Sexy Sister-in-law,

Oh my sweetie, you were so good during your last visit! I am so happy that Shining Armor was in charge of keeping things running smoothly during the games so we could focus on what is important, each other! Yes he is disappointed and upset, especially since we gave one another some much needed action in the royal bedroom but he will get over it. I do hope that one day you will get your own castle and you will have a huge bed for us to share.

Now I know at first you were apprehensive but I knew you'd enjoy our girls at the spa. I know the spa twins you are constantly getting it on are great but add a little sparkle to earth ponies and they are even better aren't they? I am glad though that you will be attending that summit up here next week because I'm certain we can fit some "sister-in-law bonding time" into the schedule.

From what I understand though, after that summit there should be more than enough time for us to unwind and engage in all our favorite activities.

Love,

Princess Cadence

To My Sweet, Sexy Sister-In-Law,

I am going to admit, I knew this would be a great trip for the most part but I never imagined it would be this great! It was more than I could ever dream of. I got to screw you on the bed you share with my brother, you and I were able to screw your spa hotties and some of our other activities, they are completely unforgettable!

I am glad that I will be able to come back for that summit and I am glad you will set aside some time solely for me. I know who is coming for that summit and what the hell is so special about those losers from Maretonia anyway. They have no magic and they are completely irrelevant to Equestria. You and I having fun will be much, much more important.

I can't wait to see you again and perhaps we can try some even kinkier activities!

Love Always,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Spike,

You are a complete and absolute loser. From what we understand Twilight had to cast a spell to light the torch for you and then you fuck up the Cloudsdale anthem big time. We honestly think that perhaps your owner should have just left you home. We have always heard that you do nothing but let everypony down and they are right, you do.

Irritated,

The Wonderbolts

To the Wonderbolts,

Look, I was nervous in front of so many ponies when it came to lighting the torch and I just got excited and thought Ponyville won the relay so don't be too hard on me, alright?

Sincerely,

Spike

Twily,

I know Celestia has always talked about what a bitch you are and how you will screw any mare that comes along, well ones that meet your sky high standards anyway. For so long I didn't want to believe her, I always wanted to think that you were a good sister but I finally have come to the conclusion that she is right, you are a slutty little bitch.

Do you realize how horrible it for me knowing that my wife loves you a whole lot more than she does me? Do you know how embarrassing it is to know that my wife is screwing you, my sister, ahead of me. Hell I hardly get any action anymore because all she ever does is hoof herself and call out YOUR name!

If it would not cause me to lose my royal title and me having to go back to being a guard pony, I would divorce that bitch and then she could marry you since she loves you sooooo much more.

Your Angry Brother,

Prince Shining Armor

To My Bitchy, Whiny Brother,

Pfft....you honestly think I give a shit? Like I said when I screwed her in the caves on your wedding day, at least she isn't screwing another stallion. Now quit your whining and just know that she is in very good hooves, very sexy hooves when she is with me.

Cadence's Lover,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Twilight's Kingdom

Dear Princess Celestia,

For starters I must say that this visit did not go quite as well as I hoped. Not long after I got here I learned all I was going to be doing is smiling and waving when those foreigners got here and then I had to bow to those losers? How dare you make a princess of Equestria bow to such inferior equines. That was bad enough but I did not get one ounce of time with Cadence or the spa hotties thanks to YOU. Thanks to you my primary concern went from Cadence to stopping some demon that escaped Tartarus when you lured Cerberus away from his post a couple years ago.

Not only was the trip to the Crystal Empire a disaster, but you once again proved how lazy you are by not going out to handle this new enemy, Tirek. Also, you think that my acquaintances and I can't even handle him so you sent Discord to do it. I knew at that moment that this was going to turn out to be nothing short of a disaster, a fucking disaster.

First I'll give you the good news, my acquaintances have had their keys for that freaky chest. The bad news, I still don't have mine and then you notify me that Discord betrayed us. Big fucking surprise there. Cadence, Luna and I all opposed you sending him to stop Tirek but of course your plan was the one we went with and it blew up in your face. I think I have finally come to the conclusion as to why you don't handle villains yourself. It is because are simply too fucking stupid to do it. Faust forbid you make a sound decision when it comes to handling villains, or anything else for that matter.

I must admit though, it was quite fun when I had all of your magic. If I didn't have a demon to go up against, I would have cast you into Tartarus myself, declared myself Goddess-Emperor Twilight Sparkle and enslaved Equestria in a much different way than any villain ever could. The hot mares, they'd become my sex slaves, the rest, they would simply do whatever I told them to, even if it was demeaning.

Now it must have really sucked to be you when Tirek threw you into Tartarus but rather than being able to gloat over how pathetic you were at that point, I had a demonic centaur I had to face off against. Now that was all fine and dandy until Tirek wound up capturing my slave, my acquaintances and that traitor Discord. Now they were imprisoned in bubbles and when I saw them, I couldn't believe the thought I had running through my mind. I actually gave half a shit about them and decided to sacrifice my Alicorn magic to get them freed.

Now yeah, everything seemed like it was going to go to hell but Discord gave me this medallion he tricked Tirek into giving him and guess what, it turned out that was the thing I needed to open that chest, blow up this entire planet or whatever it was that would happen. Now that chest must have had some freaky magic because it discolored my acquaintances and I and we defeated Tirek.

After we sent that fucker back to Tartarus what happened besides you getting free, I got my own castle! It's about fucking time I got something worthy of my greatness. You know how I've wanted to come home for so long? Not anymore! I have my own castle, a place that will be an oasis of perfection in the dump you banished me to.

Now I can't wait to look around in that baby and see what all sorts of fun things I can do. Now perhaps I can woo Fluttershy into my new bedroom and make her my friend!

Equestria's Best Princess,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Equestria's Most Arrogant Princess,

Well, well, well, so now that you have your own castle will you finally quit bitching? I know you're upset about Discord betraying us but I'm going to let you in on a little secret involving all the events that unfolded that led to you finally getting that tree shaped eyesore.

Remember when Cerberus left his post, I trolled you and I trolled you good! Not only did I lure him away, I also freed Tirek as well. Despite you having been a bitch ever since you matured, I thought that this would be the ultimate test for you and somehow you managed to pass it.

Regarding Discord, I ordered him to betray you because I knew that medallion of Tirek's would wind up being your key so you should be happy. Had I not ordered him to betray you, Equestria would have been enslaved and you wouldn't have that fancy new castle.

Given that you know all that, still hate my trolling? :trollestia:

Your Trolling and Still Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You being Goddess-Emperor? I think not because I know for sure that God-Emperor Goldner would never allow it. All he would have to do is lower his mighty fist and smash you to bits if you even attempted something like that. Be happy with what you have, got that Twibitch?

To Princess Twibitch,

Ok, we were captured in bubbles and you had us freed solely because you gave half a shit about us? I would think all the shit we went through together, us finding those keys, us all facing a terrible foe and all of us being betrayed by Discord would have caused you to think of us as a little bit more, like possibly very distant friends at least.

Now that you have that fancy ass castle will you even come out or will you do what Celestia told us you did in Canterlot, lock yourself up and hide all the time? Whatever it is we honestly don't care, just don't cause us too many problems, don't inconvenience us and maybe we will start to tolerate you, well slightly anyway.

Still Hating You,

Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash

P.S. Look Twibitch, I already know what is running through your mind. I know you are sitting there thinking you can wow me with your new bedroom and initiate me but it ain't happening! No way in hell will I ever let you initiate me. You can have me executed or whatever but that would be preferable to being your miserable, pathetic sex slave. --- Fluttershy

To My Close Acquaintances,

There, I admitted it, ok. I see you all as close acquaintances now. Had I not had the slightest bit of feelings for you I would have assumed I could have defeated Tirek on my own and left you all up in those bubbles. Be glad that I had you freed and be glad that I didn't completely fuck over Equestria in the process.

Oh and Fluttershy, never say never. Now that I think of us as close acquaintances, you may want to grow closer to me and part of that would be visiting me in my new sleeping chambers sometime. Trust me, I would never make you my sex slave! I know I can be a bitch at times but I would never do that to you!

Your Closest Acquaintance,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Discord,

Good job trolling Twilight. I know that this could have easily led to a disaster but you did well. Now feel free to keep trolling Twilight and making her life miserable. To be honest, I hope you step your trolling up to a whole new level. She has her own castle now so she would deserve it.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You want me to troll Twilight even more? I'll definitely do it and since she thinks of those ponies she was cursed upon as close acquaintances now, well sort of, I'm coming up with plans to con them into helping me troll her. It is going to be priceless, absolutely priceless!

Sincerely,

Discord

Special: Damn Straight I'm the Best!

To An Inferior Monarch,

For a long time I never imagined that I would have my own castle but now I do and you know what, it is fucking awesome! I have looked over this thing from top to bottom and I must say I am impressed. My bedroom is huge, it came with a huge sleep number bed and I know for a fact that if she was to ever even sit on it, Fluttershy would gladly not only let me initiate her, but she would move in with me and become a true friend and not a mere close acquaintance, but a true friend and maybe even my marefriend.

Now for another great part, the dungeon. It is sweet, very sweet! Not only do I have a dozen dingy cells that wouldn't meet the criminal rights' codes but there are so many torture devices down there! I'm thinking of trying them out sometime soon. Now it is just a matter of who to torture, maybe I could go and abduct some undesirables, Applejack's idiot cousin comes to mind, and torture them to my heart's content! Now would I kill him, no I wouldn't. Would I kill inferior species such as griffons, fuck yeah I would!

Now Spike is especially happy because now he has his own bedroom and a large bed of his own. This is sweet because now I can bring the spa twins home with me and we can have all sorts of fun. Who knows, I may be able to get them to move in with me on a permanent basis, having them with me every night would make me a much, much happier mare and may cause me to not bitch so much.

Now one thing that kind of disappoints me is the throne room. There is a throne for me and Spike but also one for my acquaintances too. Seriously, I have to let them come into what is my sanctuary from this miserable hell hole? What are we going to do in there, talk and try to figure out how we can work on maybe being distant friends or are we going to talk about how we can round up undesirables for me to torture?

Although I do want to point this out. Unlike your lowly sunbutt, I have MY OWN castle! I don't have to share mine like you do yours with your sister. Now if this doesn't prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am by far the best princess in Equestria then I don't know what would. To make matters even better, while it may be located in a hellhole, at least I have plenty of open space around mine, open space that I don't have to share with snobby assholes like you do. Damn it must suck to be you!

Equestria's Supreme, Absolute Best Monarch, (Far Better than You)

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. When it comes to handling dissidents and law breakers, just let me handle them now. I know I have the appropriate means to torture them and set them straight. Besides, it would be so much fun to see them begging me for mercy and of course I would never give it to them!

To Equestria's Most Arrogant Monarch,

So you think that you are suddenly so much better than my sister and I since you have that fancy ass castle, that nice bed, all that open space and that state of the art dungeon? Think again Twibitch. Yes I have to share my palace with Luna and there isn't any open space around it but it is STILL in the capitol city of Canterlot, it is not in some dilapidated dump full of mindless hicks.

You can sit there and think you are the best but remember this Twily, I raise the sun, my sister raises the moon and Cadence makes for a good bootie-call but what do you do? You do nothing, absolutely nothing! All you have ever done is cause me undue stress with your bitching and now all of a sudden you are going to make my life a nightmare with your arrogance.

Now remember Twilight, no hiding in your castle or abducting the spa twins and holing up with them in there alone. You do have to actually associate with those close acquaintances of yours and who knows, a time may come when some weird magical thing may force you to spend time with them whether you want to or not....which I would find very funny if it did.

Still Better than You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Give it up Twilight. You are never going to initiate Fluttershy unless you force her and I can tell by the way you are acting that since you want her as a marefriend, you won't force it. However, if you ever want anything with her, let her come around on her own because she ain't going to want to hook up with a damn stalker.

Rainbow Rocks

To Equestria's Laziest Monarch,

Remember how I told you to lock up that stupid mirror so nothing would ever come through it again? Well my urges got the best of me so I stole it and figured out a way to open it whenever I wanted it and I did it for two reasons. First I figured that if my little friendship student, Sunset Shimmer, needed me, I could go and set her straight. The second reason, I want human PETA girl and next time I go over there, I'm initiating her whether she likes it or not!

Now I did have Sunset contact me through a book and she was bitching about these girls trying to take over their world through their singing. My initial thought was, "So what? As long as they leave Equestria alone we'll be fine." Eventually though my concerns over my potential new friend over there won out and I headed through it to save her.

Now I am used to walking upright like those freaks and apparently those girls are sirens that Starswirl banished a long time ago so I figured this should be fun. When I finally saw those three, I knew kicking their asses would be easy. One was kind of a bitch, one was even worse than you on your worst day but the third was a cute little ditz, a ditz that I knew would be easy prey, easy prey for me to initiate.

Now I ran into those girls who are my acquaintances over there and thought since I befriended their pony counterparts, well sort of, that I may as well do the same with them so that is what I did. PETA Girl was leery at first but once I let her know I meant no harm, she accepted my distant friendship. Come to find out the only way to defeat these sirens is through some sort of magical song and since your little runaway and I are the only ones who understand Equestrian magic, we got to writing a song.

Now Crash nearly caused us to fail and allowed those sirens to take on their true forms but in the end we kicked their asses, freed those loser students from their spell and then I set out to do a couple of things, what my real reason for going over there was!

Now I tried to lure PETA Girl into the girls room but she hit me, again! Now those sirens were sulking and it looked like that cute ditzy one could use a friend so I thought I could initiate the cute ditzy one, Sonata Dusk. Now you're not going to believe this but she slugged me. She called me a slut and said that she would never put out for some lowly pony princess!

Now that bitch doesn't know what she's missing but to make matters worse, I was stopped by the magic-less hack version of you before I went home and she told me that because of my sexual advances towards two of her students, that I was banned from ever stepping foot on CHS grounds! What a bitch, I try to improve the lives of two of her students and that is how I was re-paid.

Now my general opinion is, "Fuck that shit. The next time evil threatens to wipe them out, they can deal with it on their own."

Disgusted I Couldn't Initiate Anyone,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Equestria's Worst Princess,

Wait a minute, not only did you fail to initiate PETA Girl again but you tried to seduce a fucking siren too? Good grief Twilight, I know you get needy but you actually stooped so low that you would go after a lowly siren? You are truly pathetic, you know that. I honestly don't know why The Tree of Harmony would give a little slut like you a castle. I'm just glad you didn't succeed in scoring with that siren because had you done so, Equestrian law would dictate that I reverse the longevity spell and then burn you alive for treason.

I think you need to give up trying to score with anyone in the human world. PETA Girl obviously doesn't want you, that siren wouldn't degrade herself by letting you initiate her and I'm sure none of the girls over there would want you ever. I know that the boys probably would but I am glad to know that even you won't lower yourself that far.

Now listen to me and listen to me good. If you ever go through that mirror again I will add another thousand years to your miserable, pathetic life and I'm sure Ponyville would certainly celebrate that, NOT!

Disgusted By You,

Princess Celestia

The Cutie Map

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well isn't this just dandy, even my new home is a troll. After my ass glowed and so did those of my acquaintances, a map showed up and told us we needed to go out to some hellhole out in the middle of nowhere. What a terrible troll that thing is, I had spa time scheduled and now I have to go to some dump to probably have to go through more misery than I already do.

Despite not wanting to, these acquaintances basically conned me into going to this place and when I first saw the place my immediate thought was, "What, we had to come here?" I began to wonder if maybe they had ran out of ground water and needed assistance in relocating, which I would only have done if they had a set of spa hotties to give me but then I couldn't help but notice something, those ponies weren't right.

All the same idiotic smiles and idiotic cutie marks? I figured that they were mental defects and would best be left to die in the desert until I met this one mare, Starlight Glimmer, one who seemed like an oppressive dictator and I'll admit, pretty damn hot! One thing I learned, she is good at singing, what is she bad at, economics! After the song she and her serfs sang I learned she is a damn commie. I should have known the moment I saw their shitty town, the ponies' shitty cutie marks and the zombie smiles, slaves to Marxism.

Now I wanted to skip town but my friends figured that we may as well try and free them from this Stalin wannabe. Now I'm certain these ponies are idiots, they apparently allowed Kommisar Glimmer to steal their marks, put them in vaults and make them mediocre at everything! Who was the worst? This one who thinks everypony likes shitty, tasteless muffins is so bad her treats even made ADHD Girl sick and that takes a lot.

Ultimately we lost our marks to that bitch and I honestly thought she was either going to kill us or make us her sex slaves but all she wanted was to turn us into commies and get us to collapse Equestria's economy. Luckily for you and our nation's economy, we wouldn't let that happen, especially since I told PETA Girl to throw herself out to Starlight if she had to but apparently Starlight didn't want a pony who would be mediocre in the sack.

Speaking of PETA Girl, she finally exposed that little commie as a fraud and she still had her real cutie mark and turned her serfs against her. That is when they shattered that vault, got their marks back and became MY serfs, well once we got our marks back anyway. Those ponies out there better be thanking me and once they were back to normal, ADHD Girl tried seducing this baker pony but apparently she is into guys, yuck!

Don't worry Tia, that little commie ran off into some caves so our free market system is safe.

Your Commie Hating Superior Monarch,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Princess Twibitch,

Just wait you little skank, she may have been too mediocre out in Our Town, but I will return and take something you want so badly but will never get, PETA Girl!

Hating Your Guts,

Premier Starlight Glimmer

To the Commie Hating "Monarch,"

Oh how cute, you honestly think you saved our free market system? Think what you want but I could stop that bitch on my own, I certainly don't need your help. Yes it is your jobs to deal with the unsavory villains but you are right about that one, she is hot. Since she is hot, handling her next time will be MY job. Just remember this in the future, I will handle the sexy female villains and you can handle the undesirables.

I am glad you were able to stop the spread of communism but I'm not going to worry too much about that Starlight pony, it will take a whole lot more than a cult leader without a flock to crash our economy.

Your Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

Dear Stalin Glimmer,

Just like the Soviets in the human books, you failed! That is all communism is, a failure. With any luck you'll see the light, come worship me and maybe I will forgive you, assuming you're willing to put out AND be my sub.

Wanting to Screw You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. If you honestly think Fluttershy will hook up with you, you are pathetic! Sorry but she hates communism as much as I do!

Author's Note

Happy happy dancing!

Mark theft!

Castle Sweet Castle

To Princess TiaBitch,

Well I have this fancy castle now but there is one thing I don't have, an interior decorator. I looked all over this town and I found one but once all I offered him was being pardoned from being tortured, he demanded a whole lot more. Hell I even issued an executive order that he help me decorate the place and he still said no so I tortured him for insubordination. He was my first torture victim and after I was done with him, I doubt he'll be decorating anything for six months.

After discovering there was nopony else qualified to help, I decided to ask my acquaintances to do it for me. Yeah they may not know me too well but it is still more than the idiot that I tortured and sadly, the spa twins were out of town so I had to go with whatever idiots I could round up.

After a decent breakfast they ran Spike and I off so they could try and impress me but after a whole day of absence, when I first got home it looked like they didn't do jack shit for me. The fucking hallway was just as empty as ever! I'm thinking that maybe that torture chamber may need to be used shortly but with one of them, only my bedroom would suffice!

Ultimately I did discover that they did do some work although I'm pretty sure the roots of the old library will decay rather quickly and won't be there for long. Too bad those idiots I should have befriended didn't know that. Oh well, when that thing starts falling apart, hopefully it will fall on one of them and I can send you a request for a replacement, a replacement with a white coat and a pink mane!

Now I do have some advice for you, I need an interior decorator to finish off the job these defects failed to do correctly, it would be much appreciated.

Stuck With Sub-Par Interior Decorators,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I am not thrilled with PETA Girl because despite me helping her with her fucking animals all damn day long, she still wouldn't let me initiate her. I tell you, that little bitch doesn't know what is good for her nor does she know what she is missing.

Dear Princess Celestia,

We worked hard on Twilight's castle and we are not even sure if she truly appreciates it! Yes we know she loved the roots of the old library hanging in the throne room. Knowing her though, she is probably hoping the damn thing will come crashing down and kill us.

Also she did not thank us for the other decorations. She didn't thank Applejack for the farm decor, she didn't thank Pinkie for those party canons, she didn't thank Rarity for the fancy gem covered curtains, she didn't thank Rainbow for decorating her library in Daring Do posters and she didn't thank Fluttershy for the stuffed animals on her bed.

What the hell is it going to take to finally make her realize that, despite her being a fucking bitch all the time, that we do care about her, well a little bit anyway? Are we going to have to offer Fluttershy to her as a sacrifice? Is Rarity going to have to make her some sort of elegant gown? Is Rainbow going to have to surround her castle in clouds so she can't see the rest of the town? Is Pinkie going to have to give her lots and lots of cupcakes or is Applejack going to have to supply her with free fritters and cider for life?

Whatever it is, we hope the hell she will realize how good she has it and realize that unlike everypony else down here, we don't completely hate her.

Sincerely,

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash

P.S. I am not thrilled with Twilight your Majesty. Twilight groped me while we were giving my animals a bath and suggested that we go break her new bed in. Fuck that shit, I will not be her toy! I told her to go fuck the spa twins since they have no standards. Could you please get her to stop this shit? I know that she is a princess too but that does not give her the right to grope me! -- Fluttershy

Dear Princess Twibitch,

Oh good grief, you have only had that new castle for a few days and you are back to your bitchy ways. Ok, I can understand you torturing that idiot interior decorator but you should be happy that your acquaintances actually gave half a shit and decided to decorate your palace. They could have simply told you to go to hell and you could have continued to stay in a completely undecorated castle and been sad.

Speaking of that, that is pathetic. Here you are an Alicorn and yet you have to rely on inferiors to decorate your castle? Hell, that showboat Trixie can simply make things appear out of the middle of nowhere. Maybe I should have just made her a princess instead because she wouldn't be bitching about not having anypony worthwhile to decorate her castle nor would she drive me bat shit crazy with her constant whining.

As you know, I like to spy on you sometimes and I am going to let you in on a secret, you should be happy that they didn't give your palace a full blown makeover. Had you done so, you would have had pigs rummaging through your cupboards, birds shitting all over the place, curtains and flower pots everywhere, Crash trophies everywhere and even more party canons!

Now I know they aren't your friends yet but you should get down on your knees and thank them for decorating that place. They spent a ton of money and took a lot of time to make that palace so nice for you. Now if this isn't a sign you should finally befriend them, I don't know what is.

Oh and once again you have disappointed me. Here you are, a princess with her own castle and you STILL can't get PETA Girl in bed! I swear, maybe you either didn't do a good enough job bathing her animals or she simply doesn't find you attractive enough. Either way though, damn it sucks to be you!

Eternally Better than You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Congratulations on torturing an inferior by the way. I can tell by the way you are acting that I did rub off on you a little bit. Now just keep torturing and let your problems slip your mind. It will make not only your life less stressful but mine as well.

Dear Twilight's Acquaintances,

I don't know what to tell all of you. I know you are starting to warm up to Princess Bitchy Pants a little bit but you must realize that pleasing her is next to impossible. Now when it comes to four of you, you'll likely never make her happy but Fluttershy, you could be the key to shutting her up and easing my stress load. I know she isn't all that attractive and still only tolerates you but could you please just put out for her once, pleeeease? :applecry:

If you would do that, maybe she won't be groping you anymore and if you do that, you will be initiated and you'll have somepony who is an even better friend than Rarity. Wouldn't you love that? Just take what I have suggested seriously, for all you know she may be really good in the sack and you'll want more and more of her!

Hoping Fluttershy Will Allow Herself to be Initiated,

Princess Celestia

Bloom & Gloom

Dear Bitchlestia,

Once again I got left out of an episode. I have this fancy new castle and the idiotic writers are already leaving me out and to make matters worse, I approached Fluttershy and told her that I had a very rare and extremely dangerous animal I needed her to remove from my sleeping chambers. Now normally I thought she would gladly come and check on the problem but she slugged me and called me a damn liar who only wanted her body. Well no shit Flutters, you really think I'd come to you about removing an endangered animal for the fun of it?

Next time I actually do come across an endangered animal I will just kill it and eat it to spite her and after that, drop the corpse on her doorstep with the message, "Had you gave yourself to the Sparkle, this thing would still be alive."

Angry I Was Left Out Again,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Luna,

What the fuck was up with that nightmare? Why the hell did you allow me to go through so much hell before finally coming to save me? Did you think it was funny that I had to be a bug pony, I mean a pest control pony? Did you think it was funny for me to be made fun of because of my mark and then once it was gone, watch my family's home get incinerated by lightning bugs?

And then the second part, I lose my friends because of a mark? Something magical happens and suddenly my best friends turn into grade A bitches and then once I have that mark taken away they got their marks and shunned me. I can't help but wonder if you aren't a troll who likes to prowl around unseen in ponies' dreams and laugh as they go through all their stress.

And why the hell did you let me get disowned over a fish cutie mark? Are you truly that sadistic? I had learned from Scootaloo that you helped her in her nightmare but all you do is sit back and laugh until I had become psychologically scarred, maybe for life?

I suppose I should grudgingly thank you for finally saving me and my friends from our nightmares in the end but still, couldn't you have woke me up sooner? I know Twilight is always claiming Celestia is a troll but maybe it is you who is a troll! Whatever, I really don't give a fuck. Perhaps next time Celestia will save me from my dreams since you were probably too busy prowling around in a dream where you could steal fritters or whatever it is you gorge yourself on.

Upset You Didn't Wake Me up Sooner,

Apple Bloom

Dear Princess Luna,

I am not thrilled that you would bring Celestia into my dream to try and get a free porno out of it and I am even more unhappy that you would wake me up before I got into Fluttershy's coat but not until after she beat me to a pulp. Now I know your sister will never let me live this down. Apparently you are just as much of a troll as your sister is. Oh well, at least Cadence is always there for me.

Upset You Woke Me Up,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

We must say that we enjoyed your dream for the most part, but especially when PETA Girl started beating the shit out of you. The two of us have come to the conclusion that you have to be the most pathetic pony on the face of the planet since you can't even score with her in your dreams. We knew that if we didn't hurry up and wake you before too long that she may have killed you and you know the old rumor about death in dreams, you would have actually died and neither one of us wanted to deprive your acquaintances of your presence.

We look forward to visiting your next dream involving Fluttershy and hopefully we will get a good porno instead of a huge beat down.

Laughing You Didn't Get Any in Your Dream,

Princess Luna and Princess Celestia

P.S. Could you quit with your bitching Twily? It is getting really old and like I have said in the past, it gives you more spa time. Perhaps to save yourself more embarrassing dreams, you should just let the twins you love so much keep you awake all night long. - Princess Celestia

Dear Apple Bloom,

You know what, I was able to get to your dream as soon as I could. Your nightmare wasn't the only one that I had to deal with that night. As you saw, your friends were having nightmares of their own and I did have to save Twilight from getting the shit kicked out of her by Fluttershy. Given what an ungrateful little bitch you were to me in your letter, you're on your own from now on. If you have a nightmare that will scar you for life, deal with it, it ain't my problem anymore.

No Longer Caring About Your Problems,

Princess Luna

P.S. Oh and using such language is very uncouth for a filly your age. I am contemplating approaching your sister over this because I am sure that she will do whatever it takes to teach you some respect.

Dear Princess Twilight "I can't even score in my dreams" Sparkle,

Wow, you truly are sad. I am so glad my sister took me with her into your dream because seeing you fail to initiate PETA Girl was simply too funny. Now I'm wondering, shall I tell Fluttershy that you can't even initiate her in your dreams or should I let Luna do it? She knows I have no power in the dream realm and I'm sure Luna would gladly do it since she has come to enjoy your suffering as much as I do.

Oh and about killing an endangered animal, don't even try it. If you do, I will not only make you immortal, but I'll do the same with your acquaintances and they can continue to make your life hell for all eternity. So if you know what is good for you, don't go killing endangered species, alright?

Laughing at You,

Princess Celestia

Tanks for the Memories

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

Ok, I have come to the conclusion that Crash is nothing more than a sentimental crybaby. I had always believed that she was a narcissistic cunt who loved nopony but herself and now that winter is coming, she is devastated. Want to know why she was devastated? She was devastated because her pet turtle, tortoise or whatever the fuck it is is going to hibernate. Oh my goodness, we have faced all sorts of evils, everything from a demonic centaur to a disgruntled draconeqqus to a wannabe dictator but this is causing her to have a mental breakdown.

Want to know what is more pathetic? Winters down here usually only last for a few days so she is becoming suicidal over her pet going to take a slightly longer than normal nap. Now I wanted to laugh over her problems but given that PETA Girl is as much of a sentimental crybaby as she is, I thought otherwise because I don't want her thinking I'm too bad!

Now I do think you need to fine her or punish her in one way or another because in her pathetic attempt to delay what might be a week long nap at most, she damaged millions of bits in weather equipment. Now that is another issue I have. You see, had you and Luna not cast that stupid spell so long ago, tax money would not be wasted on unnecessary weather equipment nor would pensions being paid to those pegasi be bankrupting the country. Perhaps someday I can study enough to actually reverse that spell and make Equestria great again, or should I say finally great since you have always kept it from reaching its full potential.

Unfortunately, Crash survived sitting by Tank's sleeping hole for a week before we finally got rid of winter, much more quickly thanks to me. What a shame winter didn't last three months and she would have froze to death. If that were the case, I would have sent you a request for a replacement and suggested either Twinkleshine or Minuette since they are the hottest.

Wishing Crash Had Died,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know, I am honestly beginning to think that things might be better if you cast a spell to alter the climate so that it stays warmer in the lower elevations and we just get rain instead of snow and cold. You have no idea how lonely I was without Tank by my side. I had to miss a pony/pet play date because I didn't have a pet. Tell you what, I'll even become Twilight's sex slave if it means that Tank won't have to hibernate anymore.

About the damage to the weather equipment, could you please let me off the hook because I was mentally unstable at the time and simply not thinking.

Your Loyal Subject,

Rainbow Dash

P.S. Just think of all the outdoor activities that we could do for Hearth's Warming. We could do water skiing, we could play water polo, we could have track meets and we could do it without risking frostbite. On top of that, we wouldn't have to worry about Winter Wrap Up ever again! Yeah it made for a catchy song but otherwise it is nothing but a pain in the ass. Please take all of this into consideration and get back to me.

Dear Princess Twibitch,

Wow, I never once imagined that the most narcissistic of your acquaintances would go into so much despair over her pet having to hibernate, much less just for a week. Now I know you probably think she is a liability because of her mental instability but I really don't want to deprive you of her presence because I know how much you love her. Now even if I did replace her, it would not be with who you would want. I would find the one pegasus who is worse than her, Lightning Dust, and send her down there. I'm sure the two of you would get along perfectly.

Now I am not thrilled that you are thinking that anything from the old days of Ponyland are better than things are in Equestria are today. Yes they didn't need pegasi to change the weather for them but they did have droughts in some areas rather often and other areas would get flooded by nasty storms every single year. I will admit, having to pay pegasi to control the weather is annoying but it beats the financial disasters that floods and droughts bring with them.

Now I know you truly are a cold, heartless bitch given how you reacted to Crash's sadness over her pet going to hibernate. I am honestly thinking of talking to your parents about this and seeing if they raised you to be like this or if maybe those books up in your old study tower corrupted you because I sure the hell didn't nor did your old friends.

Disgusted by You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Crash,

Ok, I get it. I get it that you were devastated that your pet tortoise was going to have to hibernate for a week but it certainly doesn't warrant you causing millions of bits of damage to weather equipment nor does it warrant you bringing winter early to Ponyville but don't worry about having to pay for it, I'll just bill Twilight's parents since they aren't hurting for money.

Now I am thinking that before next winter comes, I will hire a counselor to help you through the tough times but don't worry about paying for it, I'll just bill Twilight's parents for it as well since they pay for all of Twilight's "mistakes." Now regarding you becoming Twilight's sex slave to stop Tank from hibernating, it won't work. She has no power over the weather and she doesn't find you attractive in the first place, Princess Bitchy Pants only has eyes for the spa twins, Cadence, her old friends and PETA Girl.

Regarding your suggestion involving keeping winter confined to the higher elevations, I think that is an absolutely splendid idea! I am quite sure that Luna will like it too because I know she really wishes her Winter Moon Celebration would take place when it is warmer so ponies will actually show up for it and I do think it would be fun to have the Hearth's Warming Eve play outside.

You know what, I have decided that I will talk to Luna about it and we will do everything in our power to make your request a reality. Both of us hate winter anyway and I'm certain that everypony will be thanking us but just to spite Twilight, I will make sure that Equestria knows it was your idea and they will worship you and make her jealous.

Hoping I Can Fulfill Your Request,

Princess Celestia

Make New Friends but Keep Discord

To the Most Wasteful Monarch Ever,

So you are doing this Gala shit again and you expect me to help you set it up since I have wings now? What about Luna, why doesn't she ever have to put up with an event that most ponies don't give a shit about? Let me guess, she is blackmailing you threatening to expose how you screw your students to Equestria if she doesn't get out of this.

Now I am glad that you only invited a select few ponies to this, including one of my old friends who I do hope to seduce while I'm up here. Ok, I know this is going to be one big troll party because you had the audacity to give Discord a ticket! When I first found this out I was not thrilled but then I realized that maybe this wouldn't be such a bad thing after all, it would beat the shit out of the last Gala you cursed upon me.

Now I am going to give props to Discord for making the event interesting although I am not thrilled over the joke he made about my flying abilities and I am pissed over you laughing at it. You should know that I can fly much better than him and his shitty mismatched wings. I do have one question though, why the hell were you in such a good mood? I thought that Discord nearly sending a guest to another dimension was bad at first until I realized she was trying to steal my Fluttershy away from me!

Now who are you going to invite next time to liven things up, Chrysalis, Tirek, have your sister turn evil again or will you find a way to resurrect Sombra and invite him? Whoever it is, it certainly couldn't be worse than how the Galas used to be back when I was still able to spend Gala nights having fun in my old study tower....oh how I miss those days.

Still Hating the Gala,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh and just so you know, that hippie that Discord nearly sent to another dimension, I found drugs on her so I hauled her home and tortured her. Right now she is in my dungeon, being tortured daily and being fed moldy bread with dirty water. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm enforcing Equestria's laws.

To the Most Useless Monarch Ever,

For starters, you should know that innocent little me would never screw my students! The fact that you would even think such a thing is absolutely heartbreaking! Now regarding why I made you do this, I made you do this because I knew it would inconvenience you and there is nothing I love more than seeing you be miserable.

Also, I invited Discord because not only is he a lot of fun to hang around but I knew he would make this the best Gala ever and that is exactly what he did. Regarding his joke about your terrible flying, I laughed because he is right. He can fly better than you, much better than you. It is a good thing that your wings decided to work for a change when you went up against Tirek or Equestria would have been fucked.

There is one thing that I will thank you for, I will thank you for enforcing Equestria's laws. We certainly do not need drug addicts running out and about in our country. Next time you torture the bitch, please make her confess where she is getting that shit from so we can find out who needs to be punished. If those drugs are coming from abroad, I will seriously consider closing our ports and ban all imports, we don't need shit like that in our superior country.

The Best Monarch Ever,

Princess Celestia

Dear Discord,

I am very happy that you made the Gala lively for a change but I do want to know one thing. Why the hell didn't you send that hippie to another dimension? I know that Fluttershy was mad and would have likely unfriended you or whatever the hell it is called when you tell somepony when you end the friendship but still, she is an annoying druggie who's singing is downright hideous.

Don't worry though, I'm not going to punish you for failing to send that bitch into oblivion because Twilight notified me that she currently has that Tree Hugger pony in her dungeon and is torturing her and feeding her meals that will hopefully kill her before too long.

Now I'm not sure if you and Fluttershy are just friends or what but don't tell PETA Girl about this because the last thing I need is for Fluttershy to write me constantly and somehow find a way to bitch more than Twilight. I don't need that kind of stress in my life, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fluttershy and I are just friends and in the end I didn't send her to another dimension because Fluttershy was my first friend and I really didn't want to lose that. Yes I know she is a drug addict and would be better off cast into another realm but remember, friendship is magic.

Now I do know that Twilight apprehended her and hauled her off to imprison her somewhere and don't worry, I won't say a word to Fluttershy about this. She was bitching enough at the Gala about things and I certainly don't want to have to put up with it either.

Happy to Have Made the Gala Fun,

Discord

Dear Twilight,

What happened to Tree Hugger? I was going to escort her back to the train station after the Gala but she went missing. I know Twinkleshine saw you dragging her home and heard you bitching about not being able to get any because of a criminal needing to be jailed.

Tell me where she is or I'll have Discord troll you and troll you bad.

Angry,

Fluttershy

Dear PETA Girl,

I do have a question, who the fuck is Tree Hugger? Now yes I did have to haul somepony to the local jail but he had drank a bit too much and had to be detained long enough he could sober up. Also, I was upset that having to deal with a drunk prevented me from scoring with Twinkleshine but I certainly did not drag anypony home with me. Don't worry, I'm sure that friend of yours will show up, eventually.

Hoping You'll let me Initiate You Someday,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Slice of Life

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm actually glad that the bug bear came into town today. Yes I'm certain you turned it loose to troll me and this town but you know what, it beat the shit out of preparing things for a wedding for a couple of donkeys. So how about that Tia? You tried to troll me but it didn't work!

Glad You Turned the Bug Bear Loose,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

What? I try to troll you and I actually make you happy? I never once imagined that you would be happy I turned some monster loose to inconvenience you. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though since it nearly prevented that boring as hell wedding that Luna forgot the gift for.

Don't worry though, I have other ways to inconvenience you, ways that won't actually make you happy.

Surprised I Made You Happy,

Princess Celestia

Dear Lyra,

Let me say that I am both disappointed and disgusted with you. First for why I am disappointed in you. I am disappointed because you dropped out of my school and ran off to Ponyville. Seriously, if you wanted to leave so much why didn't you just tell me and I could have banished you somewhere, somewhere like Appaloosa, the moon or some place else where you would not discover something that would prove to me that you are beyond a lost cause.

Now for why I am disgusted by you. Not only did you run off to Ponyville, but you proved to me that you have even lower standards than the spa twins. As you probably know, they whore themselves out to Twilight constantly but you wind up hooking up with that bitch candy maker who ALWAYS has a scowl on her face? Seriously, what the hell do you see in her?

Now I know that you claim that you two are only friends but the security cameras in the town hall say otherwise. I saw the tape, I saw those looks you two were giving one another. Had it not been for the bug bear I turned loose, I'm certain you would have defiled the place and the wedding would have been delayed because it would have had to be cleaned.

Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Maybe as a form of punishment I should turn Twilight loose on you. Hey you have no standards so I'm sure you'd welcome her back into your life!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, I left your school because it got to the point where all of them, including Twilight, wanted nothing but horn sex every day and it got really old. Yes Bon Bon may seem rather cold to some but at least she wants something real with me, she sees me as more than just a friend with benefits. Please though your Majesty, please don't turn Twilight loose on me. I know how she is and if she thinks she can get some action, well assuming I meet her standards, she would gladly take it.

You don't have to like my taste in mares but it shouldn't matter to you anyway. I am no longer in your school and I am no longer a subordinate of yours so you can't go telling me who I can hook up with and who I can't so just leave me alone.

Hoping You'll Leave Me Alone,

Lyra Heartstrings

Dear Bon Bon,

You're fired! I pay you the big bucks to handle monsters like the bug bear but instead my subordinates have to defeat it for you? Oh well, I never liked you anyway and I certainly don't like you seducing one of my former students with your poison laced candy or whatever the hell you did to seduce her.

Princess Celestia

Dear Bitchlestia,

Oh well, it's not like I enjoyed working for your gluttonous flank to start with and regarding Lyra, I did not seduce her. I gave her love and a real relationship which is something her former schoolmates never did or ever would. You have to understand, we aren't like your students and your subordinate princess, commitment is important to us.

Glad I Got Fired,

Bon Bon

Dear Cranky and Matilda,

Sorry that we forgot the gift but don't worry, we will send you a VIP pass to Twilight's bedroom.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna

Dear Princess Luna and Princess Celestia,

Not just no but hell no! You really think we want to do anything with that little bitch? Just forget it and consider attending the wedding sufficient.

Sincerely,

Cranky and Matilda

Princess Spike

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know what, I am utterly pissed. You put this fucking summit in my hooves and I wind up losing three straight nights of sleep over this shit? What was the point of this damn thing with the exception of me figuring out who I should abduct, haul home and torture? Eventually I had to sleep and unfortunately Spike wound up making a bunch of stupid decisions, took advantage of my status and got ponies do pretty much everything for him.

That right there is proof that he needs to be replaced with a newer model, a model that won't abuse his status as my slave and one that won't want to get a sex change operation. Seriously though, Princess Spike? I'm going to have to be firm with him and tell him that if he gets his dick cut off and pumps himself full of estrogen he will not suddenly make Rarity want to screw him.

The only good thing that came out of this worthless summit was that I did get some sister-in-law bonding time with Cadence. Could you do me a favor though and never curse shit like this on me ever again?

Hating Summits,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Sexy Sister-In-Law,

I know you're upset that my aunt piled all this work on you and you were dead tired when we got it on but it beats the shit out of nothing, right?

I will let you know though that I am not one bit thrilled with that dragon of yours. The little bastard conned ponies into doing pretty much anything and everything for him solely because he claimed you ordered it. I'm thinking perhaps you should talk to my aunt about replacing him with a more obedient model, one who isn't a self-absorbed little bastard.

I'm thinking that once your schedule is more empty, I'll come down and we can unwind either in your castle or at the spa. Hopefully I can screw you soon.

Your loving Sister-In-Law,

Princess Cadence

Dear Twilight,

I am sorry for taking advantage of your status as a princess. I promise you that I won't do that again and mess everything up.

Sincerely,

Spike

To the Worst Monarch of all Time,

Get over it already. You are my inferior and it is the job of inferiors to deal with shit like this. I had other things to deal with, such as fresh cake and petty court disputes to oversee and of course Luna sleeps during the day and Cadence? She had meetings to deal with. Now I have some advice for you, quit your bitching and just do what is ordered of you. You do realize that I could take those spa twins away from you just like that, right?

Now regarding Spike, you can not replace him or trade him in for a newer or better model. I don't know how many times I've told you this but he is not a stagecoach. I would greatly appreciate it if you would just quit bitching about it, alright?

Always Better than You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Sexy Cadence,

I know I was tired as hell and was barely coherent while we had our fun but I am so happy we got a little time together. I do know that you are upset about all the shit that Spike pulled but there is one positive, he didn't eat the gem statue so he isn't completely bad!

Hoping to See You Again Soon,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Spike,

You better be glad that I am a forgiving pony because if I weren't, I'd be torturing you down in my dungeon along side that drug addict friend of PETA Girl's. Also, you can not be a princess unless you get a sex change operation and I certainly will not allow that because it would make ME look bad because baby female dragons are not meant to be enslaved like the males are.

Not Thrilled With Your Actions,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Party Pooped

Princess Sunbutt,

I would love to know why it is you think we should befriend a species so low on the evolutionary scale. Seriously, those morons don't even understand proper usage of the Equestrian language. While I think they are almost just as inferior to us ponies, couldn't we befriend the Minotaurs instead? Yes they are narcissistic bastards but still, at least they grasp our language.

About those idiots, they did a ton of damage to my castle and I am not one bit pleased over that. Since it was your idea to invite those fucktards into my castle, you should be the one to pay for the damages they caused. Oh and by the way, those idiots declared war on us until ADHD Girl finally calmed them down with a typical party of hers. That right there is proof that they are just as undesirable as most everypony else down here.

I do have an idea though, let's lull those yaks into a false sense of security, invite them down here for a summit and then slaughter them. I've always wanted to try some yak meat anyway.

Hungry For Yak Meat,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Purple Pony,

Pink pony's party was fun, no declare war.

Sincerely,

Prince Rutheford

Dear Pink Pony,

Pink Pony understand yaks now, no declare war.

Sincerely,

Prince Rutheford

Dear White Pony,

Yaks destroyed purple pony's castle and now purple pony demand yaks pay for damages. If she keeps it up, yaks declare war again.

Sincerely,

Prince Rutheford

Princess Starbutt,

There is one reason and one reason only I wanted us to befriend them, to inconvenience you. I honestly don't think they are worthy of our friendship but hey, you had nothing on your schedule and I figured this would be much more productive for you than hiding out in the spa and screwing the twins or trying to initiate PETA Girl.

Oh and just so you know, I am not thrilled that those yaks decided to declare war on us. Luckily for you, Pink Pony, I mean ADHD Girl came through and saved your ass. It must really suck for you, it must make you feel so pathetic when inferiors have to save the day for you. Had they done any damages, oh wait, they did! Now I am not going to pay for the damages they caused to your castle but I am certain your parents won't mind so I am going to fine them plus a ten percent fine to cover the repair costs.

Always Your Superior,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You are right about their language use though, it is horrible!

To Yak Prince,

Are you color blind or something? I am LAVENDER, not purple!

Sincerely,

Lavender Pony Princess,

Dear Prince Rutheford,

Yay, now can Pink Pony come up and visit Yakyakistan sometime?

Sincerely,

Pink Pony

Prince Rutheford,

Let me start out by saying that if you declare war again, I will use my magic to not only eradicate you and Yayyakistan, I will hunt your kind to extinction and give Twilight some of the yak meat she is suddenly desiring. I do want you to know this, do not cross Equestria's path again.

Ready to Kill,

Princess Celestia

Oh and don't worry about having to pay for the damages you did to Twilight's castle, I'll just bill her parents for the damages, alright?

Oh and on a final note, if you ever decide to visit our vastly superior nation again, at least learn proper usage of our language, got it?

Amending Fences

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well after three horrid events over the past week I finally got to get some rest. I would love to know why the hell you piled so much on me. First there was the bug bear attack while the asses were getting married, a bug bear attack that was likely created when YOU set it free just to make my life hell. Then there was that stupid summit where Spike wanted a sex change operation and a crown. After that you wanted me to befriend those shit for brains yaks and that nearly led to a war.

Finally I thought that I would get to relax until Spike brought up what a bad friend I was and that gave me an idea. I would come back to Canterlot, make amends with my old friends and get some major league action, action that the spa twins could never give me. This was going to be one fun trip for sure!

Going into my old study tower made me so homesick AND it only increased my hatred for you further. If you weren't such a bitch, I could still be living there, inviting my friends over for special study sessions and not being condemned to three fucking millennia of pure hell in a run down dump. Oh how I miss those days, multi-pony romps were always so much fun.

After a night of little rest, I figured the time had come to go and seduce my old friends. The first one I rounded up was Minuette and damn, she is still as hot as ever, still as happy as ever and if I still know her well enough, dominant in the bedroom. I wanted Minuette to drag me into her house so we could have some fun but she suggested we go and round up Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts. My immediate thought was, "Sweet! A four mare romp sounds really fun!"

Naturally I was wanting to skip the donut shop but my three old friends just couldn't miss out on that so I decided to apologize there. You're not going to believe this, they laughed at my apology! They acted like me running off wasn't even a big deal! I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing but one thing was certain, I was going to do my best to score with all of them at once. I didn't care if Minuette would dominate me and be rough, I needed it. It was just a matter of when would they be ready?

Soon though Moondancer would come up and they told me that she thought I was a total bitch for just up and leaving the way I did. If she is going to be pissed at anypony it should be YOU! You are the one who made me leave in such a hurry. Well I was hoping that with these three that fixing our friendship was easy but once I figured out she withdrew from everypony, I knew this wasn't going to be easy. What a shame too, I was really hoping to "rekindle our friendship" in nothing flat.

I tell you, when we got to her house, we all discovered that she had become a complete bitch and ugh, her manestyle and that turtleneck. Unless she loses the bitchy attitude and that turtleneck, forget about it. That is not just unappealing, it is downright disgusting. Maybe if she were an old maid it would look decent but she is my age for Faust's sake! Somepony really needs to get her out of that thing and get her to go as she is like the rest of us.

There is one thing I completely forgot about Minuette, she has the tendency to stalk other ponies, well the mares she likes and Moondancer was, and still is, one of them. Remember what a bitch I used to be when somepony disturbed me while I was studying? Well I found out that Moondancer was an even bigger bitch than I ever was.

Now I wanted to get in her coat, assuming she got rid of the turtleneck so I managed to get into her book. This amazed her and I led her up to my study tower and I was certain I would get her to be happy and make me happy but that didn't happen! I even offered her the key to my study tower so she could go in and hide from everypony else if she would give me what I want but she rejected it. I'll tell you something, she must have forgot how good I was back in the day because she just couldn't get enough Sparkle back then.

I continued to think of how the hell I could get her to improve her attitude so I figured that a party may improve her attitude and while I had no desire to put up with her, I headed home to get Pinkie. Hey, if dealing with her for a bit meant I would get in Moondancer's coat, I was all for it!

Now I thought that getting her to improve her attitude would be difficult, it wasn't horribly bad. Once I apologized to her and she accepted it, I was all set. All I needed to do was send Spike and Pinkie home, round up all my friends and head up to my study tower and let the good times roll!

Believe it or not but they all agreed! Oh it felt so good to have a romp with four unicorns. Yeah Minuette was a bit more aggressive but the others, they let me have their way with them, especially Moondancer. She was always the most sensual one and us giving one another the attention we needed made me want to come home even more than I ever had.

Hell, I would even gladly give up my crown and wings if it meant I could come back to Canterlot. To be honest, I'd even take a job at the local bakery or somewhere else if it meant I got to come home and be with those four. What a shame Lyra had to move to Ponyville and hook up with that bitch candy maker. Five of us was great but six would have been even better!

Happy I Scored With My Old Friends,

Wishing I Wasn't a Princess.....Twilight Sparkle

Dear PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle,

Wait a minute, you scored with all four of them at once? That is nice and all but let me make myself clear, I am NOT going to take those wings away, your title away and that unnaturally long life away just so you can be with the ponies who are suddenly making you so happy.

I know how you are, when you were my student you shut yourself in unless you just had to have a bootie-call. You can call them your old friends all you want but I know you only liked them for the sex. Now regarding you having your way with them, I find that rather hard to believe. I know Minuette is a major league dom, she even dominates me and I'm pretty sure she taught the others how to handle other ponies, especially doormats like you.

The only ponies you have ever had fun with in a long time are the spa twins and they are earth ponies. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if those four used their combined magic to hold you down and have their way with you. One thing I do know about Minuette, she likes to get real freaky and use absolute dominance on her partners so she probably had a horn cap to put on you because she does that to Twinkleshine all the time. Hell, I've even let her do that to me once or twice.

You know, I'm thinking I may actually ask them if the accounts of you having your way with them are true. Unlike you, they are all incredibly honest and I know they'll tell me what really happened!

Knowing You're Really a Sub,

Princess Celestia

Special: After Amending Fences

To My Most Loyal, Faithful and Intelligent Students Ever,

I recently received a letter from Twilight regarding your interactions prior to her heading back to Ponyville. She is claiming that outside of Minuette, she had her way with you. I find that very hard to believe so I figured I would simply ask you so I would know the truth.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Twilight have her way with us?, what a joke. I had a horn cap on her not too long after we got her in that old study tower of hers. Now yeah, I was rougher than normal with her, so rough that I'm surprised you didn't hear her cries of pain as I punished her for simply running off without saying goodbye. You know how she claims that she gets action so much? I beg to differ because her vaginal walls were just as tight around my horn as ever. ---Minuette

She claimed that she had her way with us? What a crock of bullshit, I had her at my mercy just like I did back before you sent her away. I know she likely told you that I couldn't get enough of her back in the day but it was me that she couldn't get enough of. Now that I think about it, the only thing she did by running off was deprive herself of my sexiness and my dominance. Maybe now she'll come back and she can kiss the moon and kiss it often! --- Moondancer

Twilight seriously claimed that she had her way with us? That is a huge lie given we had her chained to the bed not too long after Minuette put a horn cap on her. Had most ponies seen her in the state she was and heard her screams, they would have thought she was in pain but we know better. We know she was enjoying it and wanted more and more of it so we kept giving it to her all night long. I'm betting she'll be back for more rather soon. --- Lemon Hearts

Oh that Twilight is such a liar. I can't believe that she thought you would believe it when she claimed to have her way with us. Just like it was before she ran off like the little bitch she is, we had a horn cap on her and had her chained to the bed. She may be a princess, a very sexy one at that, but she was at our mercy. We hadn't had that much fun in a long time. What a shame Lyra moved away, she was always just as rough with her as Minuette was and deep down we all know Twilight wished she was here. --- Twinkleshine

Overall though, Twilight was a lot of fun and while we know you won't ever let her come home, we are hoping that she will come up to visit more often. Sometimes we need to punish somepony and she is so much fun to punish.

Sincerely,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

To My Favorite Students,

Sweet! I knew you four wouldn't lie to me. I can't wait to tell Twilight how you four revealed what really happened!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To My Subservient Little Princess,

My my, aren't you the liar. I just received a letter from your old friends and they told me what really happened. Had I known how much they punished you in the bedroom before you left and how much joy they got out of it, I would have found some random mare off the street and banished her to Ponyville.

While I know you are often times dominant with the spa twins, I figured the same wouldn't be the case when it came to those four. Earth ponies are easy to dominate but my four best students, nope! I am so happy they told me the truth.

Now I do hope that you'll come back up and visit your friends again soon, they are certainly looking forward to seeing you!

Your Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

To Equestria's Worst Monarch,

Wait a minute, you got a letter from my old friends telling you what happened? I know you're probably going to believe them since you love them but whatever they said, it was not true! With the exception of Minuette, I dominated them! I'm thinking I"ll just have to punish them for their lies next time I see them.

Hoping You Don't Believe Their Lies,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Our Little Sub,

Twilight, your last trip up here was fun, lots of fun! We would love it if you would come up and visit again soon. Of course if that is not an option we can always come and visit you in the middle of the night since days are likely inconvenient for you. One favor though, if we do come, please run Spike off. We don't want him hearing your cries of pain.

Sincerely,

Your Owners

To My Old Friends,

Seriously? You would seriously show up in the middle of the night just because you want some action? Hey, I like action as much as the next mare but being chained to the bed and having an enchanted horn cap put on me is not fun! I know you likely told Celestia I like what you did but I didn't!

I'll come visit you again but please, no horn caps! It isn't fair if my magic is disabled!

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Ok, you go up to visit our old friends but you forget about me? I would think you would have grabbed me when you got that pony with the balloons on her ass but oh no, the hell with me, right? I really wanted us all to hang out but thanks to your idiocy, that didn't happen.

Angry With You,

Lyra Heartstrings

Dear Lyra,

I am going to let you in on a secret, you probably would not have wanted to join us. Me and my old friends had a five mare orgy and I know for sure that you wouldn't have made that six because you care too damn much about Candy Ass or whatever the hell that bitch's name is.

I must say though that it sucks to be you, committing to one pony. If you're going to commit you should at least commit to a pony who can give you horn sex. Earth ponies are good for flings but not tying yourself down to and the one you picked is ugly as hell and scowls all the time. What did she do, put love poison in the candy she fed you back in the day?

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight "I commit to nopony" Sparkle

Author's Note

What really happened between Twilight and Moondancer!

Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?

Dear Princess Luna,

I get it, you felt bad for all the issues you caused, especially inconveniencing me, but did you really have to create that tantabus thing to give yourself nightmares? I almost wonder if you didn't create it solely so that you could troll me in the future and cause me to have to do something with those acquaintances. Now could you do me a favor and stop feeling bad about all the shit you've put everypony through because I certainly don't want to put up with this again.

Also, when you made that shared dream you could have at least had me initiating Fluttershy instead of having the two of us having to chase down an overgrown puff of smoke shaped like you? Now I had always thought you were the nice sister but now I know you are no better than your sister. You are a troll but the only difference is that your trolling could have destroyed all of Equestria, AGAIN!

Upset With You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sister,

Bravo, bravo! I am so glad that you decided to quit being such a stick in the mud and trolled Twilight and her acquaintances. Yes it was only in the dream realm but it was a start. Next time, do it when she is awake. Perhaps you could drag her over to Fluttershy's cottage, put a horn cap on her and force her to watch PETA Girl and Rarity get it on. She would absolutely love that!

Glad You're Learning How to Troll,

Big Sister

To the Worst Monarch Ever,

Did you know about your younger sister's tantabus thing that she used to troll us? Do you know that if it had broke into the waking world it could have destroyed Equestria? I think you really need to have a talk with her and let her know that doing such things will not be tolerated! If you would do that it would be greatly appreciated.

The Best Monarch Ever,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Celestia's Crybaby Inferior,

Good grief, you honestly think I would create something that dangerous solely to troll you? If I wanted to troll you in your sleep, I would have simply gave you a dream where you would have to watch Fluttershy get it on with that pony who stole your cutie mark or give you one where the spa twins left you for one of the rich hags up here. You're nothing special and you certainly aren't worth me giving myself nightmares over.

I had always thought that my sister exaggerated over your constant bitching but it looks like she is right, all you do is bitch and whine about everything. Watch out the next time you go to sleep because you may wind up having a dream that you will find most unpleasant.

Planning on Ruining Your Dreams,

Princess Luna

Big Sister,

I must admit, trolling Twilight is quite a bit of fun and I plan on doing it more often, both in the waking world and in the dream realm. What I will do in the waking world I am not sure of yet but in the dream realm, I have plenty of plans for her.

Glad I Can Make You Proud,

Little Sister

To My Crybaby Inferior,

What my sister does to troll you is none of my business nor do I care. As long as she doesn't turn into Nightmare Moon again she can troll you in any way she damn well pleases. I do have a favor, the next time she ruins your erotic dreams about Fluttershy, let me know all the juicy details about how she had somepony else steal PETA Girl away from you and forced you to watch their action. Now quit your bitching or I will order her to seduce Fluttershy in the waking world and initiate her as her friend right in front of you.

Sincerely,

Your Superior Princess

Canterlot Boutique

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am not exactly thrilled with Rarity right now. She invited me to come up to Canterlot to open this new boutique of hers and here I thought that maybe I would get some time with my old friends but they turned me down! They told me that because I lied about my encounter with them that they were going to punish me by not putting out. Can you believe that? I know they can't get enough of me but just because I lied once they refused to put out for me.

To make matters worse, I tried seducing several other mares while I was at the boutique opening but none of them wanted to go to my old study tower with me. Come on, I am a princess and every single one of them shot me down. What the hell is up with that? Did my old friends talk to every single mare in Canterlot and tell them to troll me or did YOU do that? I could honestly see you doing it too because you are jealous of how sexy I am so you drag my name through the mud to deny me when I was so needy.

Upset I didn't Get Any,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rarity,

I am not thrilled that you would make a dress inspired by the stained glass window of me and not pay me any kind of royalties off of those sales. The least you could do is put out every now and then. You are the Element of Generosity after all and the least you could do is be generous enough to share your body with me. I suppose this is what I should expect from a lousy acquaintance who only loves herself.

Upset You Aren't Generous With Me,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rarity,

While I am happy that you will continue to have me as your manager, I do expect a couple things in return. You are well enough off that I demand 1,500 bits a month payment AND action anytime I want it. Seriously, all the prior boutique owners never put out so I wound up running them into the ground. Either pay up and put out or I'll run yours into the ground too.

Demanding Proper Pay,

Sassy Saddles

Dear Rarity,

I am happy to see that you have opened a second boutique BUT realize this. Now that you have two businesses, your taxes are going to be going up and if you are unable to pay up, I will seize both of those businesses and order Twilight to punish you in more ways than one, which is something I know she will gladly do.

Excited to Collect Tax Money from You,

Princess Celestia

To My Whiny Little Subordinate,

It is no surprise that you didn't get any. Here is the thing, I knew you were coming so not only did I order your old friends to not put out but I had them advertise to every hot mare in town that they are not to put out for you because you are a total bitch who is simply lousy in the bedroom.

Also, the very fact that you think you are sexy is a joke. If you were sexy, PETA Girl would have put out for you a long time ago, as would every other hot mare not only in Ponyville, but up here as well. Keep on trying Twily but outside of the spa twins and your easy sister-in-law, you won't be getting any.

Glad I'm Not You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. There is hope though, if Rarity can't pay her taxes I will allow you to punish her any way you see fit, whether it be in that dungeon of yours, your bedroom or both if you wish. However, if you do anything to try and prevent her from paying her taxes, I'll see to it that she can punish you in your own dungeon.

Dear Twilight,

I have some news for you, since I never put your name on that dress I don't have to pay you any kind of royalties. The name "Princess Dress" is very generic and could apply to any princess, both foreign and domestic so you have nothing on me. Now regarding me being generous and sharing my body with you, unless I am so needy that I will throw my standards out the window, it ain't happening! You can keep on crying all you want but hey, you still have the spa twins and Cadence, right?

Equestria's Hottest Unicorn,

Rarity

Dear Sassy,

I am going to admit, what you are demanding in pay seems incredibly high but since you do live in Canterlot where the cost of living is higher, I suppose I can pay you that BUT you don't have to worry about the other part. Your horn is nice and long so I'm certain it will give me pleasure that I could never dream of! I know you are wanting action whenever you want it but watch out, I may be unavailable at times and if I'm not there, I will send this blue unicorn Twilight knows over to visit you and she will most likely be more than you can handle.

Your Sexy Boss,

Rarity

To the Greediest Princess Ever,

Good grief you are greedy. You are constantly fining Twilight's parents over anything and everything so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you would steal from me if I don't pay you your precious taxes. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised over this but just to spite you, I'll find ways to troll Twilight and make her bitch to you even more.

An Overly Taxed Pony,

Rarity

Rarity Investigates!

To God-Emperor Goldner,

Those damn writers did it again, they left me out of yet another episode. I think you need to fire them for this atrocity. After all, I am the primary character in this whole series and I am Lauren Faust's ultimate creation so I should be in every episode and be the star in every episode. Please see to it that this shit doesn't happen again.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Let me make myself clear Twily, the name of the show is "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" it is not the Twilight Sparkle show. There have already been times when you have been excluded and I know for a fact that there are going to be many, many more. Just wait, a day will come when a pony will come along who will steal your glory and I will laugh my ass off when her figures outsell yours, well that and go buy myself another yacht.

I'm going to tell you exactly what Celestia would, go to the spa and forget all your troubles, alright?

Sincerely,

Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the hell is up with Wind Rider? The bastard framed me and nearly got me banned from the Wonderbolts for life! He needs to be punished in one way or another. I don't know how you'll do it but it must be done, banish him to the moon or something!

Angry at Wind Rider,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Crash,

Tell somepony who might actually give a rat's ass because I certainly don't. What goes on in their little club is not of any concern to me. As far as Wind Rider goes, I'm not going to punish him solely to spite you. I don't like you much more than I do Twilight and I certainly am not going to do you any favors. Now do me a favor and quit your bitching before I decide to lump you in the same class of crybabies as Twilight and you certainly don't want that now do you?

Sick of Your Whining,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rarity,

From what I understand, in your quest to clear Crash's name, you flirted with some of the guards and just so you know, that is a felony. Doing anything that may interfere with a guard doing his job is punishable in whatever way I see fit. Get your ass up here upon receiving this letter and perhaps it won't be too bad. If you are not here within 48 hours, I will come and get you myself. If I have to do that, your punishment will be far worse and trust me, you will not like it!

Ready to Torture You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Please darling you have to understand, I had to do that so that Rainbow would not get banned from the Wonderbolts! It has been her lifelong dream to fly with them and I just couldn't bear her not being able to fulfill it! I do hope you understand and will spare the rod.

Sincerely,

Rarity

Rarity,

You are such a sentimental crybaby. It is ponies like you and situations like this that cause me to realize why Twilight despises sappy moments. I honestly don't get why you'd do this for Crash unless you want to get in her coat and if you ask me, that is downright disgusting. Now get your ass up here or your punishment will be worse!

Ready to Punish You,

Princess Celestia

Brotherhooves Social

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well this town is showing how truly worthless it is again. Why did they shut the town down this time, they shut it down over some race for sisters over on Sweet Apple Acres. I know I have been in this hellhole for far too long but their stupidity still irritates me to no end. The good thing though is that while the spa twins did shut down shop too, they stayed there and gave me all the pampering I could ever want.

You know something, if it weren't for the spa twins and the love they give me, I probably would have had to be put in the mental asylum by now.

Happy I Have the Spa Twins,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To the Spa Twins' Owner,

I am glad that you brought that up because now I know exactly how to break you. All I have to do is take the spa twins away and you will go bat shit crazy. Even if that was to happen though, I would not let you go to an insane asylum because that would be rewarding you when you have done nothing to deserve it.

My advice to you, don't be a total bitch, don't piss me off and at least try and make some more friends and you'll be fine.

Your Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the fuck is up with this? That fucking map calls my sister away when it should know that she had to compete in the Sisterhooves Social with me. Thanks to that piece of shit I was unable to taste sweet, sweet victory. I think you need to just dismantle that fucking thing because all it has done is cause me problems.

To make matters worse, my brother decided to become a fucking transvestite just so that I can take part in the social. Come on, the social has always had a loose definition of what constitutes a sister so he could have just went as he was and not disgrace the entire Apple Family. You know what, fuck that shit! If I ever need a substitute sister again, I'll just drive your bitchy little subordinate batshit crazy until she agrees to be my sister.

Ashamed of My Brother,

Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom,

You know something, I would actually give a shit about your problems if you weren't cursing like a fucking sailor. I would like to know where the fuck you learned such language and why you are using it so frequently. I will tell you one thing, if you even cuss one more fucking time in your letters to me, I will force Twilight to abduct you, take you down to that dungeon of hers and torture you in any way she sees fit.

Oh and just so you know, she has wanted Apple Bloom soup ever since you followed Zecora home so that may not turn out so well for you. If I were you, I would lose the fucking profanity unless you want to wind up on Twilight's dinner plate. To be honest though, that wouldn't be so bad because I'm curious as to how soup including you would taste anyway.

Hungry for Your Meat,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

We're awesome and we know it! We won the Sisterhooves Social despite us not being biological sisters. Yes we got a blue ribbon but could you see to it that this town throws us a huge festival to spite Twilight because that would be so cool!

Sisterhooves Social Champions,

Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo

Dear Crash and Scootaloo,

Normally I wouldn't give a shit that you won that race but since you want the town to throw you a festival to spite Twilight, consider it done. Be sure to tell the Cakes to make extra cake because I will show up and treat you two like royalty all while I ignore Twilight like the inferior that she is. I'll let you know when I will schedule it for, see you then!

Proud of Your Victory,

Princess Celestia

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows

Dear Princess Trollestia,

I have some wonderful news, my bootie-call is pregnant! Now naturally Cadence is assuming Shining Armor is the dad and will announce him so once the baby is born. Given that she puts out for me more and after I did some studying, she might be surprised.

Might Be A Mother,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To the Trolling Princess,

You're shitting me here, right? You actually expect me to believe that you were able to learn some sort of freaky fertility spell involving horn sex? Now if it were one of your old friends I would know that would be the case but with you, not so much. I think you are just wishing you could troll your brother in a way that even I wouldn't troll anypony. I have some advice, just be happy for your brother and bootie-call and lose the whole "I might be the mother" thing.

Doubting You Being A Mother,

Princess Celestia

To the Hottest Sister-In-Law in the world,

First off I am going to congratulate you on your pregnancy but I do doubt if Shining Armor is the father. For starters, I know you get a whole lot more action from me than you do him. Second, I have been doing a lot of studying involving fertility spells and horn sex. Third, I can't help but remember how you said something tingled the last time I gave you horn sex.

You know something Cadi, that may not be Shining Armor's baby growing in you, it might be mine! Wouldn't that be something, me being the "father" of your baby? I am thinking that once it is born, we'll have to do a paternity test on that sleazy talk show all the lowlife commoners like to watch so much. We'd just have to hide our identities one way or another.

Hoping I'm Actually the Father,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To A Trolling Sister-In-Law,

You did what? You used a fucking fertility spell when you gave me horn sex and YOU might be the "father" of my baby? If that does wind up being the case, Shiny will be devastated and will likely disown you. Now in most instances a mare would disown her bootie-call if she did that but be glad I can't get enough of you. If you weren't so good, I'd never put out for you again.

Upset You May Have Trolled Me,

Princess Cadence

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Thanks for being able to keep the secret for so long. I really didn't want anypony to ruin the surprise for Twilight. Tell you what, next time you come up here I'll make sure you get an extra tasty treat.

Sincerely,

Prince Shining Armor

Dear Prince Shining Armor,

Yay, that sounds delicious. Maybe I'll have to come up sometime without Twilight so that she won't try to do anything with Cadence.

Looking Forward to a Treat,

Pinkie Pie

Hearthbreakers

Dear Tyrant Celestia,

Well here we go again, another fucking Hearth's Warming Eve and everypony is engaging in sappy, sentimental moments....ugh, disgusting. Now can you believe that Applejack and ADHD Girl would even think I'd give a shit about them going out to Pinkie's Family's rock farm? I didn't give a shit and ran them off in a hurry because I was in no mood for all that positivity.

Sick of Hearth's Warming Eve,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To the Whining Princess,

Oh good grief, get over yourself. I get it, you are just pissy because your parents would rather have Tirek and Chrysalis over for supper than you. That is no reason to go bitching over other ponies' happiness. You know the Apples and Pies could be related so could you at least pretend to be happy for them instead of bitching about it?

You want to know something, my sister and I don't get that luxury. We don't have blood relatives to invite over to Hearth's Warming Eve supper, we'd rather have a pack of timberwolves over than having Blueblood over and stealing Cadence away from you and your brother does get old after a while. I have a suggestion, start a "Diary of a Bitchy Princess" and write to your diary about it, maybe it would care.

Sick of Your Whining,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I would usually never write to anypony outside of the family about my frustrations but I just can't take it anymore and since you know the sources of my problems personally, maybe you could set them straight.

Let me start out with that Applejack. She comes in and thinks that we are going to have fancy things like cinnamon rolls and cloth Hearth's Warming Eve dolls like they do and seems to think we are backwards for not having them. That is bad enough but then she has to take her disrespect up a level and decorate MY FARM like all your modern serfs do and in her idiocy of planting a flag pole for the flag, she hit a fault line and knocked Holder's Boulder down into the quarry. Do you know how hard it was to get that thing out of there, even once they came back after I sent them packing?

With any luck, Applejack and her modern ways of thinking won't come back.

Your Disgruntled Amish Serf,

Limestone Pie

Dear Limestone,

I'm going to make this short and sweet, I don't give a shit, alright?

Everypony's Superior,

Princess Celestia

Dear Pinkie,

The outside world has ruined you and that rainbow ruined you. Before then, you had a rational and level head on your shoulders but now you are an irrational mare-child who still has everything provided for you. You live in that bakery and that Cake Family provides everything for you while I work my flank off, 14 hours a day just so that we can pay the taxes that tyrant Celestia levies upon us every year and save up for when Marble and I have to put Mom and Dad in a home, once they are unable to work the fields anymore.

Oh and could you tell Applejack that if she ever comes back, we're doing things MY way?

Your Elder Sister,

Limestone Pie

To My Grumpy Older Sister,

Look, Applejack didn't mean any harm and I do not have everything given to me. To live there I have to help them bake things and babysit their twins! Yes they provide me with meals but if I didn't do some work for them I would get kicked out and have to go live with Princess Twilight! That would be terrible because Twilight is so bad she makes you look like a big ray of sunshine! Now you better apologize for being such a meany-mean hooves next time the Apple Family comes out to the farm!

Sincerely,

Pinkie Pie

P.S. You better be glad I didn't take on my Pinkamena form out there or your blood would be spilled all over that place!

Scare Master

To Little Miss Trollestia,

Well here we are again, Nightmare Night and the whole damn town is throwing yet another celebration. Damn this is getting old, very old. I can't help but wonder why the hell they must continue to throw celebrations for every single little thing. Personally I think that they need to just drop the festivals, hold some sort of ceremony to glorify me and be done with it. Unfortunately that isn't how it works so I figured I may as well take part in this fiasco.

Now like always, PETA Girl was scared shitless and was hiding out in her cottage. Seriously Flutters, you seriously think you have to hide out simply because this "holiday" scares you? Now if that isn't pathetic I don't know what is. Most of us simply took part in the celebration but she was simply too much of a coward. My initial thought was, "Fuck this shit, just leave us alone" but then she actually decided to take part in our festivities!

Of course though she had to throw some lame ass "party" and then crawl back under her bed and hide. Figures, out of myself and all my acquaintances, she is and always has been the coward. Maybe someday she will grow a spine, join us and preferably join me in my sleeping chambers because that would be so much fun, so so much fun!

Now you won't believe this, she eventually decided to actually join us in our activities and while she was quite the wet blanket at first, it wasn't long until she actually decided to scare us! Yep, little miss chickenshit decided to scare us by turning into Flutterbat and going after us. The time in the corn maze was fun but it would have been even better had she simply let me initiate her and make her mine.

Unfortunately though, that would not be the case and her cowardly behavior just had to continue. I will tell you this, that little bitch has no idea in hell what she is missing out on.

Still Angry I Can't Seduce PETA Girl,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Pissed Little Princess,

Oh good grief, not this shit again. Here I thought you were going to have something semi-decent to report to me but all it is once again is bitching about PETA Girl and your inability to initiate her. I honestly think you need to just give it up. She will NEVER want you, got it? It doesn't matter whether she is Fluttershy, Flutterbat or whatever else, your chances of initiating her are zero!

I also would have thought that you would be used to the festivals that that hellhole I banished you to by now. You have been there for years but all you continue to do is complain and whine about them. Look, the ponies down there aren't like Canterlot ponies. Most of the ponies here are snobby assholes while the ones down there lead such miserable lives that they have to do something useful rather than simply complain about what a conceited bitch you are. Unlike you, they do like to let their manes down every now and then.

I am glad though that you actually decided to make yourself useful and take part in activities with those acquaintances of yours instead of either just hiding out in your castle or screwing the spa twins. Perhaps there is hope for you after all, perhaps!

Always Trolling Better Than Anypony,

Princess Celestia

What About Discord?

To A Lazy, Disorganized Monarch,

Guess what, I decided to take part in a book sortation, 3 straight days of sorting books in my library. Now that right there is proof that I'm better than you because you never sort the books up there, ever! You just sit up there, stuff your face with cake and the most you do with the libraries up there is have the peons you hired reshelve them. Never once did you engage in a sortation or rotate the books like I do.

Now I would be downright pissed when I got done because apparently Discord is suddenly good friends with my acquaintances and they are acting like they have been best friends forever. Seriously, Crash and Discord suddenly had inside jokes, what the fuck was up with that? Rarity actually found something he did genuinely funny and that has never happened before! Applejack and ADHD Girl were having plenty of fun with him as well and of course Discord was protecting Fluttershy from me like always, dumb bastard anyway.

Now I knew something was not right and I was going to find out what was going on and apparently they had a fun weekend without me. The nerve of them, having a fun weekend with an annoying draconeqqus when they all could have been begging Fluttershy to let me initiate her. To make matters worse, I think they trolled me. They were being so damn secretive claiming that I would never get what happened.

Now like I said, I was going to find out what the fuck was going on and apparently they find Discord's magic funny because of everything that had happened but I knew this was all a sham. I headed to Zecora's to get a potion that would make them admit that they were simply being a bunch of bitches who trolled me because of a spell cast by Discord. Now I was even more pissed when that wasn't the case, they trolled me upon their own free will.

Now you see why I will never think of them as friends? For Faust's sake, they are suddenly besties with Discord but won't even help me with anything. They refused to help me with the book sortation, they laughed at me over my having them drink a potion and worst of all, they won't even try to talk to Fluttershy about an initiation ceremony.

You know what? I decided fuck it and while I will never see them as friends, I did befriend Discord and we are already making plans on how to troll you. Now it won't be anytime soon because you will be expecting it but just wait, it will happen and it will be hilarious.

Discord's Newest Friend,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Once Again Bitchy Little Princess,

Before I continue on I must say I am shocked. You actually decided to offer your friendship to Discord? You offered your friendship to someone who has trolled you on multiple occasions? Wow, I am impressed, I never imagined this would happen! Maybe there is still a tiny bit of hope for you after all. Hell it even took me a while to finally trust him but here he goes and trolls you and then you decide to be friends?

Let me say this though, your whole book sortation thing was ridiculous. Why the hell would you continue to rotate your books around when you could leave them all in the same place and know exactly where they are all the time? There is a reason we don't rotate the books up here ever, we don't feel like being inconvenienced by all the hard work involved and we always know where our books are.

It does serve you right though, wasting your time on shit like that and missing out on what could have been the bonding experience that may have finally turned those acquaintances into friends. What a shame you missed out on it. I was spying from my balcony and from what I saw, Discord really provided a lot of fun for those five and I will admit, had there been cake I would have went down there.

I have also come to the conclusion that you are completely delusional. If you honestly think Discord would go casting spells on his friends like that you don't know him all that well. His days of being like that are over. Yes he turned Fluttershy into an orange but she was ok with it and found it hilarious.

All I can say is one down, five to go when it comes to making friends. Keep going at this pace and you may eventually accomplish what I sent you down there for.

Discord's Friend As Well,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I had an absolutely hilarious weekend with Twilight's acquaintances. I know I have had fun with them in the past when I was trolling them but this time was even better because we were all on the same page and we trolled Twilight! Seeing her get all pissy after she learned that we encouraged her to stay in her castle and sort books. I do hope that this will be a learning lesson for her, that even she can be jealous!

Oh and now that Twilight and I are friends, we are already contemplating on who we should troll and she is suggesting you but I'm thinking of somepony else. I'm thinking the spa twins because I know of a spell that will make them find Alicorns unattractive and then Twilight can't have them anymore! Let me know what you think.

Twilight's New Friend,

Discord

Dear Discord,

I am glad to see that you have befriended all six of them now but I do want to warn you about Twilight and her bitching. Given that you will likely be the only one who is a true friend of hers, she'll likely bitch to you about anything and everything. If she bitches too much about me, just let me know because if you don't, I'll see to it that you are turned back into stone, got it?

Also, thanks for giving me a heads up about Twilight and her desire to troll me. I do think that we should get together sometime and discuss how to troll her next. I don't know if you have any odd spells but if you have anything to turn her castle into cake, invite me and cast it. I'm sure she would just love to see her home being eaten by the best princess in all the land.

Looking Forward to Trolling Twilight with You,

Princess Celestia

The Hooffields and McColts

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

Well the map has done it again, it called me away when I had spa time scheduled but then it did something that made me a bit happy, it called Fluttershy too. I don't know why the hell it called the two of us out to the Great Smoky Mountains but I did know one thing, maybe my time would finally come. I would have Fluttershy out there in all that nature and maybe she would finally realize the time had come for her to be my friend.

I was shocked when she was actually happy to go with me, especially given how much I had been hitting on her. Now for what was crazy, when we got out there we discovered that a couple families of hillbillies were engaged in some sort of feud. Seriously, the map called us out there to simply get some undesirables to get along? Given the nature of these idiots, I realized that this would likely not be easy and it turned out I was right.

I swear, those ponies were complete morons. One family could grow food so quick they could solve Equestria's hunger problems overnight were launching pumpkins at the other family and they could just throw rocks at the others and ruin their house. The others were such master builders that they could probably put up a whole city quicker than the Apples can raise a barn.

Naturally I was irritated that Fluttershy wanted us to stay and finish our mission but I thought that if we just hung around long enough for PETA Girl to get these hicks to see the error of their ways that she might be willing to let me initiate her on the balloon ride home. As it turns out, their feud has done a number on the animals there and something about that must have hit them just right, PETA Girl got them to call a truce, help one another and help the animals.

Well we did finish the map mission but I was unable to complete my real mission. On the way home I grabbed her and tried to initiate her but she threw me out of the balloon. Even worse I was unable to catch myself in time and I hit the ground. Now you should punish her for that, that is attempted assassination of a princess! What should her punishment be? It should be forced initiation and then torture in my dungeon!

All I can think of is that the trip was a total waste because all we did was get some mindless hillbillies get along and I was nearly murdered by PETA Girl. Unless her and I actually become friends someday, I'm never going on another map mission with her, ever.

Upset I Couldn't Initiate PETA Girl,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm sick of this shit. Twibitch and I get called by the map on a friendship mission yet all she tries to do the whole damn time is initiate me. This is proof that she can't even focus on her damn job, all she can focus on is my body and her needs to satisfy her sexual desires. I think you really need to replace her with somepony who is a jobs first type of pony. Yes I know she is a princess but couldn't you strip her of those wings, her title and that longevity spell you put on her?

In any other line of work she would have been fired for sexual harassment but you have constantly allowed her to do this ever since you cursed her upon us a few years back. Her job was to learn about friendship, not try to seduce everypony she finds hot, which are very few, and turn them into friends with benefits. Well I refuse to be reduced to some damn bootie call of hers like the spa twins and Cadence have. Unlike them, I do have enough dignity and self-respect to only give my body away after I meet the right mare and marry her.

Now take into account what I have told you. You can either do the right thing and punish her for this or I can expose you to all of Equestria for allowing this to happen. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you haven't been screwing your students for centuries and only banished Twilight here because she failed her bedroom exams and you needed room in your school to replace her. Whatever it is, you are a bitch, a troll and likely a complete nympho.

Despising Twilight and You,

Fluttershy

Dear Princess LoserLight,

Ok, the map sends you on a simple mission to get a couple of hillbilly families engaged in a ridiculous feud yet all you can do is attempt to initiate Fluttershy? For starters, you were on the job and you should know that engaging in such activities on map time is highly illegal. Normally such an action would result in your termination, loss of your title, loss of your wings and revocation of your unnaturally long life but I hate you so much that I want to see you continue to suffer in your continued failure to initiate PETA Girl so don't worry, your job, however useless it may be, shall remain yours.

Now I know what happened and thankfully PETA Girl went with you on this mission or they would still be fighting and whoever you would have went with would have failed miserably and more importantly, made ME look bad. Don't worry, I'll keep your near failure a secret because if ponies learned about your incompetence, they would be demanding that I free you from your misery and I sure the hell don't need that kind of stress.

Always Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. With as much as you hate your life, I thought you would have been happy that PETA Girl attempted to kill you. Had she succeeded, you would have been free from her constant rejections so I don't see why you're so upset.

Dear Fluttershy,

Oh for the love of Faust, have you been taking bitching lessons from Twilight? Look, I know you're mad as hell that Twilight tried to initiate you on company time but please, try telling somepony who might give a flying fuck. To be honest, I don't care that she tried molesting you while you were on that mission because just like it is with the rest of you, I get a great amount of joy in seeing you suffer and be miserable.

Now I am glad that you can communicate with animals, got those families to quit fighting and got your asses to glow but what Twilight tries to do on these map missions is of no concern to me, as long as you succeed that is all that matters. To be honest, I love seeing you, just like the rest of your friends, I love seeing you be completely miserable and having to suffer through the shit she puts you through. You know, if you would just let her initiate you perhaps your misery will vanish and if you aren't that good in bed, she'll forget about it and merely view you as a co-worker she only wants to be around if it is absolutely necessary.

Now do me a favor and quit bitching about this or I will sterilize every single animal down there in Ponyville.

Loving Seeing You Suffer,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Regarding me screwing my students and me banishing Twilight for failing her bedroom exams, I plead the Fifth! :trollestia:

The Mane Attraction

Tia,

Ok, I'm sick of wasting my breath on repetitive insults on you, you simply aren't worth me wasting my time on it anymore. Anyway, this pathetic town is throwing yet another useless festival. This time it is about helping hooves and music or some dumb shit like that. I think they claimed that it was to help idiotic foals in third world countries wipe their asses but whatever it is, it is all for the wrong reasons. If this festival was as great as it was supposed to be, it would have been a festival to help me in my quest to make Fluttershy my friend.

Some famous singer, most likely overpaid and overrated, came to town and from what I understand she was a friend of Applejack as a filly before she went on to become a mindless diva. What is pathetic about her is that she hands out fake stamped kisses and lets a most likely gay manager run her life and has obviously gay backup dancers as part of her performance. I mean seriously, the way those backup dancers were dressed you could tell they screw each other from a hundred miles away.

Now this diva, Countess Coloratura, must have at least some sense since she does hang out with the school foals and has them go up and sing on stage with her but what I'm shocked by is that after Applejack exposed that gay manager for being a fraud using MY help. After that, she finally dropped the diva act and put on a decent performance. Now yeah it was nothing to write home about but it sounded way better than the shit she was pulling earlier.

Now for what is disgusting, yet another sappy reunion. I swear, when I saw her and Applejack become friends again and bond like they did so long ago I thought I was going to vomit. If there is one thing in this land that is truly repulsive, it is other ponies' happiness. To be honest, if I'm not completely happy, then they shouldn't be. To me, they are undeserving of anything short of complete and absolute misery since that is what you cursed upon me when you banished me to this hellhole.

What a shame their reunion managed to go so well. Now I would have just sat on my flank and did nothing but I hated that Svengallop idiot even worse than my acquaintances so I figured I may as well be nice for once and only once!

Irritated By Sappy Reunions,

Princess Twilight "The Best Ever" Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I must say, I am a might impressed with Twilight right now. I don't know if she did it solely because she hated that Svengallop feller but she helped my friend see how he was manipulating her. Now RaRa and I are friends again and I couldn't be happier. Maybe you should consider rewarding Twilight by letting her come home and putting one of her old friends in that castle of hers. If you were to do that, Ponyville would throw a huge celebration, there would be lots of cake and you'd be the guest of honor.

Let me know if this will happen because if it will, I'll notify everypony that a true celebration would be in order AFTER Twilight is gone.

Your Humble Subject,

Applejack

Dear Princess Twilight,

I have heard from everypony in town that you are a bitch but I can't help but think otherwise. You helped me realize that Svengallop was manipulating me and now that I will be calling the shots, I'm much happier. I don't know if you'd be up for this but until I find a new manager, would you mind being my manager? From what I understand you are a great organizer and I could certainly use that right now.

Sincerely,

RaRa (Formerly Countess Coloratura)

Twibitch,

Ugh, here we go again. A pony has a reunion with an old friend and in the end things go well and all you can do is bitch? I get it, you are miserable and think that everypony else should be miserable too. That isn't how the world works Twily. Most ponies in this world deserve to be happy and have things go good for them. Key word though, most!

Now that Svengallop asshole certainly doesn't deserve anything short of misery and pestilence but there is another pony I can think of that doesn't deserve to be happy either, YOU! I just don't get it with you, I made you my protege, you got a lot of action with your friends up here, I sent you to a backwater dump to get away from me, I made you a princess, you got a fancy castle yet you continue to bitch about how miserable you are.

I am going to let you in on something right now Twily. You want to know who is making you miserable? You! There are plenty of ponies in this world that live lives that truly are bad yet they are at least accepting of their situation and don't bitch about it. They actually do something about it and in a lot of situations, they make their lives better and they aren't even royalty. I'm sure if I was to put any of them in your situation, they would be ecstatic, work as hard as he or she could to be a good prince or princess and embrace Ponyville instead of bitching all the time and only screwing the spa twins.

I am a little bit impressed with something though. I am shocked that you actually helped RaRa see that manager of hers was being an asshole and was indirectly responsible for her and Applejack rekindling their friendship. That however, isn't going to make me want to give you a gold star or anything like that.

Maybe someday you will finally appreciate the situation I put you in and maybe get on a path to get off of my shit list but that path will be long one and I'll be honest, I don't ever see you doing it.

Having No Faith in You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack,

I am very happy that you and this old friend of yours were able to reunite and be friends again. I am also glad that you were able to get her to see that manager of hers was manipulating her but please don't go giving any credit to Twilight, especially to her face. I certainly don't want her already overblown ego to get even worse and I'm damn sure that nopony else does either.

Let me say this though, just because Twilight decided to do something to rid RaRa of that bastard manager, that does not mean that I will let her come home nor will I put one of her old friends in power down there.

For starters, neither my sister or myself want to have to put up with her and her royal snootiness. Second, she has made it clear to me that she enjoys making all of you miserable so much that even if I were to offer letting her come home, she would reject it. Third, I don't feel like ascending one of her friends into an Alicorn. If I did that, they would all be demanding it and I simply don't have a set of yellow wings for Lemon Hearts and I certainly can't have her walking around with wings a different color than her coat now can I?

Sorry Applejack but you and your miserable town are stuck with her. I do think I know how to improve her attitude though, just brainwash PETA Girl and then give her to Twilight as an offering. Maybe if she finally gets her initiated she will be in a better mood and then want to befriend the rest of you. Yeah chances of that are next to zero but it is worth a shot, right?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

RaRa,

You're fucking kidding me, right? I do one little nice thing for you and you suddenly think I'm going to drop everything I have to do just to make sure your career continues without any problems? Sorry but I simply have too many things on my schedule, such as going to the spa and trying to initiate that hot yellow pegasus you probably saw walking around.

If you want to try and find somepony to manage things for you, go bug this pony named Moondancer up in Canterlot. She is a great organizer too and I figure she should be punished with the burden of dealing with you since she shared some information with Celestia that she shouldn't have. Don't worry though, despite her being a little snitch, she can be pretty nice.

Hoping You'll Bug Moondancer Instead,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

The Cutie Re-Mark

To an Inferior Monarch,

I must say that I was thrilled that you wanted me to speak to your magic students and I know exactly why you put that task on me. You did it because you are not even remotely intelligent enough to talk to them about magic. I know how it is, you have professors to teach them, you bring me in for a special speech to them while all you do is sit on your sunny ass, screw my old friends and stuff your face full of cake.

The speech went by good for the most part until I thought I saw Starlight Glimmer in the audience and she caused me to screw up! I thought I would be able to get through the speech without having to look at my cards but I failed thanks to her. Now what the hell she was up to but I would eventually find out.

Now I was not one bit thrilled that she broke into my castle and messed with the map. You need to punish her in one way or another for not only breaking an entering but damaging government property! Now as you know she was a bitch before but this time she was worse. She altered Starswirl's time spell and traveled back in time. What is worse is that she managed to make Starswir's spell better. How the hell did she manage to do that, Starswirl was the best wizard of all time!

She took us back to Cloudsdale on the day Crash did her first rainboom. Now while I can't stand Crash, she stopped it and set the course for me to never have to meet my acquaintances. Because of that, they didn't get their marks nor did the me of that timeline get her mark. Once that happened, we got sucked through a time portal back to the present.

Now that led to a present where King Sombra had declared war on Equestria and things didn't look good. What a shame I hadn't found a way to overthrow you because I could have beat King Sombra on my own. After having to deal with a bitchy Applejack, I cast a spell to send us back to Cloudsdale to hopefully stop Starlight but she wrote the damn thing to send herself back so she was expecting us, dumb bitch anyway.

Well she would stop the rainboom time and time again and every single time I cast the spell she left behind I kept on getting sent back to Cloudsdale, she would stop it again and every single future I kept going back to was worse than the last, well except for the one where Nightmare Moon had banished you to the moon. That one was pretty sweet and had the spa twins been there and ready to put out, I would have just let Equestria stay in eternal darkness. Your sister would have been happy and I would have been happy, everypony would have won, right?

After multiple other shitty presents and her stopping the rainboom, I finally took her with me and showed her an Equestria where everything had died. Now that honestly wouldn't have been so bad because I would have been dead and free from all the shit and drama you cursed upon me but then Starlight used the spell to take me to her hometown and I found out why she was being such a bitch.

Her reason was pathetic, she was upset because some dumb colt got his cutie mark and was taken off to Canterlot because he could organize books. That is pathetic enough but the fact that she would be upset about that was even worse! Had it been a filly I could understand but some retarded colt, that is pathetic, absolutely pathetic!

Now eventually I was able to get her to stop and restore the proper time line so that I would still have my spa twins and I would still have a chance to initiate PETA Girl. Had she taken that away from me, I would have been extremely unhappy. Now of course I did not want her to cause problems again so I decided to take her in as a friendship student and hoped that eventually she would want to add benefits to those friendship lessons since she is incredibly hot.

Now isn't it awesome that I have my own student now? Just wait, my student will wind up becoming better than any of your students, except for me, that you've ever churned out!

Teacher of an Incredibly Sexy Student,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Equestria's Newest and Worst Teacher,

For starters, let me start out by saying that I am not happy that you had to look at your cards to finish that speech. I brought you in because I thought you might have the wits about you to be able to give a perfect speech but I suppose I should have known that a little failure such as you couldn't even complete the most basic of tasks. Oh and regarding that Starlight pony being there, if you had the composure I thought you had, her presence would not have bothered you any.

Also, you really need to invest in a good lock and maybe some security. Simply putting a note on your door that states trespassers will be punished will not suffice. Now as far as what Starlight did to the map and her perfecting Starswirl's time spell, I must say that I am impressed by that. How she even got a hold of that thing I'm not sure but if I ever run across her, I'll have to congratulate her on doing something you can't, perfecting a half-baked spell that was sub-par at best.

Now I was not thrilled that she put the world through so many different timelines but all of them had one advantage over this one, I never had to put up with you and your bitchiness. The only thing that I ever heard about you was the judges telling me that a lavender unicorn filly made funny faces trying to hatch a dragon's egg. Now the future with Flim and Flam would have been sweet because it only screwed up the apple farm, everything was fine and STRESS FREE for me.

Now regarding that colt that got sent off, he was a total failure. He was one of those types that wasn't even fit for the remedial magic courses up here, much less anything that would be sanctioned by me. Why Starlight cared so much I don't know but you are right about one thing. The fact that she would be upset over a colt leaving town is quite pathetic, especially one as useless as him.

Now about having Starlight as your student, could you do me a favor and share? I can tell it is part of your grand plan to probably initiate her but if you refuse to share, I'll assist her in setting up a timeline where she will have you as a slave, I mean student, got it?

Oh and about you thinking that she would be better than any student I have ever churned out except for you? That is a joke because I have plenty of other students, your old friends in particular that are better than you and given her magical abilities, Starlight is already better than you. Remember Twily, you are a friendship teacher, not a magic teacher. If anypony needs a magic teacher, it is you and Starlight would be the perfect professor for that.

Suddenly Wanting Starlight,

Princess Celestia

Dear Starlight,

Now that you are my student you will be doing what I say. You will spend time with my acquaintances and do activities that they like, you will spend time with me studying and whatever I want to study, we will study. Also, not only will you be my student but if I decide pop quizzes in my sleeping chambers are necessary, you will partake in them whether you want to or not.

I do hope you enjoy living here in the castle and don't worry, you'll have your own bedroom for now until I am in a constant state of need. When that happens, you will sleep with me every night and become my sex slave whether you want to or not.

Already Lusting for You,

Your Sexy Teacher....Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Teacher,

Well it sounds decent to me but I would really have to be your slave if you became constantly needy? That certainly doesn't sound very friendly and besides, Fluttershy is WAY sexier than you and with the smiles she's already giving me, I think she feels the same way about me. Could I just learn the friendship with benefits thing from her instead?

Your New Student,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

I must say that I am incredibly impressed. I don't know how you did it but you improved Starswirl's time spell. I am also impressed that you wanted to make Twilight's life miserable but doing so at the cost of the whole country wasn't very nice! That future with Tirek was the worst and I'm pretty sure that we all would have been praying for death and that one where everything was dead was awful because I died before my chefs baked me the ultimate cake a couple years back.

Now I am disappointed in you though. I am disappointed because you stopped when you did. I know what would have happened had you tore up the scroll and stopped the rainboom, it would have been a win-win for all of us. Want to know what would have happened?

What would have happened was that YOU would have wound up being my protege, we would have grown very close like a mother and daughter would have. You would have ascended to Alicornhood very quickly and you, my sister and I would have made up a universally loved and worshiped triarchy. Equestria's villains would have known not to mess with us because of you and your incredibly powerful magic along with your desire to protect our subjects.

Also, I would have always been in a much better mood because I never would have had to put up with any bitchy little power hungry proteges, particularly a little lavender failure. Unfortunately that didn't happen but could you please do me a favor, could you constantly outshine Twilight when it comes to magic, actually become friends with her acquaintances before she does and to top it off, I would love it if you could get Fluttershy, or PETA Girl as Twilight calls her, in bed. Seeing her go into freak out mode over that would be hilarious.

Now don't let me down Starlight, you had a chance at greatness but you fell short. Take advantage of this situation and make Twilight's life a living hell, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well altering that time spell was easy. I have been wandering around Canterlot for months, sneaking into libraries I probably shouldn't have and eventually I learned enough that perfecting it was easy. Now as far as the final time line went, I know I should have stopped the rainboom and tore up the scroll but I eventually realized that friendship is important.

Now regarding outshining Twilight when it comes to magic, that will be easy. I'm pretty sure that befriending her acquaintances shouldn't be too much of a problem and regarding Fluttershy, she has already been giving me smiles so who knows what will happen. One thing is certain though, I will not force myself on her the way Twilight does. I find her very attractive and she seems sweet and I'm certain that if I ever wanted anything special with her, doing things the Twilight way simply would not work.

I will admit though, after hearing what you said about what would have happened, I wish I would have stopped the rainboom one last time. Being like an adopted daughter of yours and an Alicorn princess would have been sweet and the three of us being loved by all would have been even better. Oh well I can't go back, well technically I could but I want to start with a clean slate, well except for the fact that my magic is better than Twilight's.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Author's Note

The Timelines

Timeline 1- The Crystal Empire Attacks

Timeline 2- Chrysalis Attacks

Timeline 3- The Night Shall Last Forever! (my favorite)

Timeline 4- Tirek's Destruction of Equestria (the worst in my opinion)

Timeline 5- King Discord and his court jesters

Timeline 6- Flim & Flam Industries

Timeline 7- Desolation: Death of Equestria

Special: Reporting About Her New Friends

Dear Princess Celestia,

As you know, after getting me to stop altering the timeline Twilight took me in as her student and introduced me to her acquaintances. They are really nice mares and I was honestly shocked that they would be so quick to give me a second chance but I am glad that they did. I have done some rather enjoyable activities with them and we have bonded well enough that we all classify one another as friends. Kind of odd really, they befriend me in nothing flat and Twilight has been here five years and they still barely tolerate her presence.

The first thing I did was do some baking with Pinkie and I must say, she can make a rather big mess when she is baking but hey, I made a bigger one so I suppose I shouldn't feel too bad. Yeah she is hyper but it is part of who she is and that is what makes her fun to be around, her energy and her unpredictable nature.

Hanging out with Rainbow was fun because we have one thing in common, we both like to fly. Yeah I can't fly as fast given that I only have my magic but hey, we became flying buddies and she is planning on helping me work on my speed. I doubt I will ever be able to match her speed since she has wings but she is also helping me with my agility because crashing into clouds all the time is not fun.

I also spent some time with Applejack over on the farm and apparently my back legs must be stronger than I thought because I was helping her with the harvest and my applebucking is actually quite good. Now they aren't as good as hers but hey, if I work my muscles more I'll be able to clear trees with one kick like her and I can help her get the harvest taken care of much more quickly.

I also spent some time with Rarity and she was complaining about how Twilight will never help her out with anything so I offered to try on her dresses and help her in whatever way I can. I honestly don't get why Twilight complains so much about her, she seems perfectly nice to me. Yeah she did have a panic attack while I was helping her out but one good thing about hanging out with her, she shares her ice cream.

My last event of the day was helping Fluttershy out with her animals and I'm quite surprised that her bunny Angel, who is even mean to her sometimes, took such a liking to me. Maybe he is just a misunderstood bunny who could tell that I'm a misunderstood pony but it was what happened after I helped her feed her animals that shocked me.

She told me she needed some help up in her bedroom so of course I followed her up to help and when she locked her door I was surprised. I was even more shocked when I found myself on her bed and I'll admit, I was beyond shocked and a bit confused when she had me pinned down and demanded that she initiate me. Now Fluttershy is incredibly hot so I let her initiate me and then she wanted me to give her horn sex so I could do the same to her. Wow, I never imagined that such pleasure existed in my entire life! What was wonderful was when she discovered that it was my first time, that giggle of hers is so adorable.

She told me about how Twilight had been wanting to initiate her for years and even some of the things she has done and I must say, Twilight never reminded me of the type to force herself on other ponies but I suppose even the ones that seem the most pure will surprise you.

Now I can't believe that I did what Twilight can't, actually befriend these five and in the case of Fluttershy, share a truly wonderful, sensual and erotic moment with her. I don't know how Twilight will react when she finds out about this though, I just hope she doesn't get too mad when Fluttershy rubs it in her face like she plans on doing.

Now I do hope that I can meet you and your sister sometime and hopefully develop a good friendship with you two as well. One thing is certain, having true friendship is so much better than forcing friendship.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

I am happy to hear that Twilight's acquaintances befriended you so quickly given what happened between all of you in the past out in that old village of yours. I am very proud of you for taking part in activities with your new friends. I'm going to let you in on a secret, Twilight has never done anything like that with them and that is probably a big part of why she is not friends with them.

Now I am completely shocked about your interaction with Fluttershy, or PETA Girl as Twilight calls her. I am not only shocked but I am elated that she initiated you and then wanted you to do the same to her. Congratulations Starlight, Fluttershy has extremely high standards and just from the sounds of things, she may eventually want more than just friendship with you.

Now how Twilight will react to her telling her about this, I really wish I could be there to see that. I know Twilight will probably blow her top but listening to her bitching over that will be well worth it knowing that her ultimate quest to initiate Fluttershy finally failed and failed miserably.

I do hope you continue to have fun with your new friends and when it comes to Twilight, hopefully she will think of you as more than a student some day. After seeing how easy it was for you to befriend the ponies she should have been friends with though, she may become jealous and decide the time has finally come for her to come out of her shell and befriend more than just the spa twins and her sister-in-law.

Truly Happy For You,

Princess Celestia

Special: Rubbing Salt in the Wound

Dear Twiskank,

As you know it was not long after our musical number that I befriended Starlight but it was in more ways than one. Yes we are good friends but guess what? I initiated her and then she gave me horn sex! That's right, I initiated her! I know for so long you have wanted to initiate me but you may as well forget it now. Starlight beat you to the punch, not to mention she is far more attractive than you'll ever be.

Now I certainly don't expect you to change your ways but I am certain that Princess Celestia won't mind it if Starlight was to take that star off your ass if you ever try anything like you have for the last five years again. Now Starlight and I will continue to have our fun but as far as you go, gross! To be honest, I'm even giving up Rarity because Starlight is much, much better than she is. Even better, not only is she good in the sack, but my animals love her and she likes them too so I know she is the ultimate friend.

Hoping You'll Finally Realize You Can't Initiate Me Anymore,

Fluttershy

Dear Twibitch,

Guess what, Starlight has befriended us! Even though she was a bitch in the past, stole our marks and nearly fucked up the time continuum, we are now friends. Unlike your sorry ass, she actually takes part in the activities we enjoy and Applejack is particularly impressed with not just her applebucking skills but her enthusiasm when it comes to helping her.

What a shame Celestia wouldn't just make Starlight a princess, have her take over for you and evict you from our lives. Life would truly be perfect if she would do that.

Now we are all pretty sure that you must be really down in the dumps after what Fluttershy told you but we don't give a shit. We are glad that Fluttershy initiated Starlight and vice versa. We all had a feeling that one day Fluttershy would come across a hot mare, initiate her and crush your fragile libido one of these days and finally that day has arrived.

Feel free to hide out in your sleeping chambers and wallow in self-pity. Starlight has much better things to do than study friendship with you, she can study it with us and since we are actually friends with her, she will learn it even better.

Laughing Over Your Failure,

Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rainbow Dash

Dear Slutershy and other inferiors,

You fucking little whore! Was this your plan all along? Was it your plan to whore yourself out to Starlight solely to spite me? You know damn good and well that I wanted to initiate you but you take all my chances away by screwing my new student? It is shit like this that is why I will never think of you as a friend.

And for the rest of you, go to Tartarus. I want nothing to do with any of you so I'm spending a few months in the spa. Perhaps one of you can take Spike in because I don't feel like dealing with him either.

Pissed at All of You,

Your Superior, Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

How could you fucking do this to me? I take you in as a friendship student and not only do my acquaintances suddenly befriend you but Fluttershy initiates you? You have no idea how fucking humiliating this is. I am the Princess of Friendship and yet it is my acquaintances who are already teaching you that friendship is magic and in the case of Fluttershy, friendship with benefits being magic.

Don't count on me teaching you any friendship anytime soon because I'm taking a several month long vacation in the spa. Oh and I'm locking the castle so you can just sleep with Fluttershy for a few months. Mark my words though, you will pay for taking my Flutters away from me, I was supposed to initiate her, not her initiate you!

Already Needing A Break From You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, I'm sorry ok. Your acquaintances are all really nice and the activities we did together were really fun and what happened with Fluttershy was totally unexpected but mark my words, I will protect her at all costs from your overblown sex drive. You will not initiate her, ever. With me and Discord on her side, she will never have to worry about you, ever!

Protecting My Friend,

Starlight Glimmer

To Equestria's Biggest Crybaby,

Awww....is my widdle pwincess all saddy waddy because of what happened? I told you that someday a mare would come along and Fluttershy would initiate her and I am glad that time finally came. I am so happy that it wound up being the same pony who nearly destroyed your life multiple times over though, it must feel like salt being rubbed in an open wound, right?

Oh and regarding the rest of your acquaintances, I am so happy that Starlight was able to become friends with them too. I suppose this shouldn't surprise me given that Starlight is truly remorseful for what she has done while you are just a self-entitled bitch who has never wanted to embrace real friendship.

Now if God-Emperor Goldner weren't so adamant about keeping a failure like you as the "Princess of Friendship," I'd alter your title to being "The Princess of Failure," ascend Starlight and all your acquaintances and make them "The Princesses of Friendship" since they actually understand the concept. Oh well, I suppose he likes seeing you bring about misery and heartache everywhere you go even more than I do.

Oh and on a final note, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

I heard about everything that has gone on and I must say that I am not impressed. I am so disappointed in you that I don't want any action from you until after the doctors clear me after the baby's birth so I would advise you go and be the exclusive lover of those spa twins.

Sincerely,

Princess Cadence

To the Worst Sister-in-law ever,

What? Just because I have a bad episode of jealousy and anger you suddenly won't put out for me? What a truly terrible sister-in-law you are. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you didn't meet some other unicorn and are getting it on with her! Don't worry, I have my spa twins so going without you won't be as big of a loss as it may seem.

Angry with You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Mistress Twilight Sparkle,

Don't worry, we are here for you, we will always be here for you. Tell you what, how about you move in with us, we will shut down shop until the start of next season and we will give you all the pampering you could ever want.

Love,

Aloe Vera & Lotus Blossom

Dear Aloe and Lotus,

I would really love that girls. You two are way too good to me and as far as your plan goes, I would love that. At least you two are always there for me when nopony else ever is.

Love,

Mistress Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Timeline 8 - StarShy! :yay: :heart:

Friendship Games

Dear Princess Twilight,

Why was it that you waited clear up until after the problem was solved to get here? Let me guess, Celestia's trolling ways are rubbing off on you and you thought it would be funny to see everything go straight to hell. You better be glad that we got everything settled and proved that you don't have to be here to save us from the evils that plague us.

Sincerely,

Sunset Shimmer

P.S. Oh and by the way, you're welcome.

Dear Sunset,

Look, I was engaged in a time travel battle with a pony who was hell bent on making sure that I never met my lousy acquaintances and we never formed a fucking cutie mark bond, alright. Maybe in the future I will only come over for a very specific reason. Besides Celestia is being a bitch about me visiting you anyway. Get this, she is threatening to extend my misery for another thousand years. No wonder you ran off, you ran off before she could curse you with three millennia of pure hell.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Thanks for letting me use your bedroom while I was over there. I was really good and as far as I go, I'm happy I could make myself happy.

Dear Princess Me,

Oh my, I never thought I would be so good. I am so glad that I was able to score with me. If I hadn't let me get in my skirt, I probably would have died a virgin. Please do come back, I can't get enough of me.

Sincerely,

Sci-Twi

P.S. Oh and maybe sometime I could come to Equestria. That horn sex I told myself about sounds amazing!

Dear Sexy Me,

You know what, I knew I would rock my world. Be thankful that I came over or I would have never discovered how good me is, not to mention how fun boobs are to suck on.

Sincerely,

Princess Me

P.S. Don't worry, I can come over any time I want. I'm sure I will love the horn sex!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Please don't get mad but I kind of went through the mirror because they were having a problem with some other version of me. She was upset because her dictator wouldn't sign papers so she could go to Edgerton, Evanston or whatever the hell the name of the school was. Anyway I got her in bed and oh my, she is so good! I'm going to admit, fingers and boobs make sexy times so much better! Anyway, I'm hoping that I can go through there and visit her more, she rocked my world and I will go crazy if I can't have more of her.

Loving To Screw Myself,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Let me start out by saying that I am not happy that you went through that fucking mirror again. Don't you remember my warning? Don't you remember how I said that I would extend your miserable life for another thousand years? I would do just that but since you managed to find the human version of you and she rocked your world I'll let it slide. You know, you should bring her over here sometime and introduce her to your old friends. I'm sure the six of you could rock the night away!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Next time you go over to get it on with her, which I am hoping will be very often, please have Sunset record it and bring the video back to me. I've always wanted to see humans get it on and you two sound like the perfect couple for me to hoof myself to.

I've looked in those human books and those fingers and boobs things, those do sound really hot. Please do take me with you every time from now on and maybe I can find the human version of myself and have lots of fun with her.

The Crystalling

Dear Sunbutt,

Guess what, Cadence has given birth and I can't help but wonder if that fertility spell and all that horn sex I gave to Cadence was all worth it. I have always wanted a foal of my own but it would be downright disgusting to hook up with a stallion because I don't find them attractive. Also it would be uncouth for me to have to carry a baby inside of me so that is why I chose Cadence. She is the Princess of Love and shit like that, right? Anyway, once I get up there and see it, I might know.

Thinking I Might be a "Dad"

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sex Toy,

After seeing the little one I have come to the conclusion that we have to go on that talk show that does the paternity tests. I have a very strong feeling that Flurry Heart may have been conceived using my magic instead of Shining's semen. This will be very fun going on that show and being in front of an audience that will absolutely adore me and adore me even more when it is announced that Flurry is MINE, ALL MINE!

I'm not sure how my brother will react but I honestly don't care. If he were to have an emotional meltdown and divorce you, that would be sweet. Then you and I could get married but if that was to happen, I would be playing the stallion role of the household, got it? I have better magic than you and besides, I provided the seed to conceive her so that is how it would normally work, right?

Now I must say that if she is indeed MY daughter, she is a chip off the old block. Destroying the crystal heart and trying to wipe out an inferior race of equines is just like what I would do. Yeah having to deal with a blizzard was a pain in the ass but if what I think winds up being true, it will be all worth it.

Hoping I'm the Father,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

I want to know something, why the hell did you make my first friendship lesson so undesirable? Look, I had no desire to go and reunite with that loser. Seriously, the idiot knows next to no magic and the only thing that makes him even remotely important is that he provided the books that allowed us to fix the crystal heart. I may have pretended to be happy that we decided to communicate once every hundred moons but I have much more important things on my agenda. Things like improving my magic to the point I could ascend myself and wooing Fluttershy into wanting to be my marefriend is WAY MORE IMPORTANT.

Tell you what, how about you be friends with him instead. He is a bookworm, you are a bookworm and both of you are nerds so I'm sure you'd get along just fine. Now if you will excuse me, Fluttershy offered to fix me some supper so I must cut this short.

Your Irritated Student,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Look, it was a mere friendship lesson. I never said anything about you actually having to give a shit about him after we left. Hell he could go kill himself later today and I'd still consider it a success.

However, I am not thrilled that you are continuing to succeed with these friendship with benefits lessons with Fluttershy. You are not nearly good enough for her, not even close. The only one that is worthy of having her is me and mark my words, one of these days I will woo her into my sleeping chambers and she will discover that you simply aren't that good, dump you and welcome a whole bunch of Sparkle into her life.

I do know one thing, she would be much happier if she did.

Your Fluttershy Seeking Teacher,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Also, don't you even think about trying to learn enough to ascend yourself. I made plans to do that and I got banished to Ponyville so unless you stop making plans like that, I will banish you to some place very unpleasant. Given that you can barely tolerate Sunburst, I'll banish you to the Crystal Empire, got it?

To A Slutty Princess,

Do you realize what an uproar a scandal like that would cause? If it turned out you are the father and the whole nation discovered it, I would have ponies from all over the land demanding that I strip you of your wings, your title and remove that longevity spell and I am not about to do that. I do not want to reward you for causing this many problems.

Tell you what, we'll go to Manehattan to go on the Iron Will show but your parents are going to pay for the trip. I am not about to use federal funds because of your mistake. Yes I know they will bitch about it but I'm thinking I'll have them come with us as well. That way it will cost them more, the lodging will be more expensive and they can belittle whichever one of you two turns out not to be the father.

I'll make all the reservations AFTER your parents give me their credit card, alright.

Ready to Fine Your Parents Again,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

You know what, I will talk to Shiny if you do wind up being the father and tell him it is his fault for allowing me to screw you every weekend. I will tell him that you used a fertility spell without my permission and that it is not my fault I got pregnant because of you and I know he will understand. As far as we go though, forget it. You violated my trust with that fertility spell and have caused a lot of strife in my marriage and I don't need this anymore.

Next time you need a bootie call, go to the spa because I'm done with you.

Sincerely,

Princess Cadence

Special: Iron Will Show Paternity Test!

Author's Note

Any comments made by the audience will be surrounded by stars *comment*

Given that this episode will literally be a TV talk show, the format will mostly be back and forth dialogue.

For this chapter, profanity will be blacked out since this will be like a TV broadcast.

Special: Iron Will Show Paternity Test!

"Hello everypony, my name is Iron Will and as you know, we often do paternity tests but today's is special. It could very well cause a massive royal scandal and involves the most hated princess, another lousy princess, a doormat prince and an Alicorn filly."

*clap, clap, clap*

Cadence and Flurry go on stage and Iron Will asked, "Cadence, Iron Will wants to know, why is it that you think Shining Armor may not be the father of Princess Flurry Heart?"

"Here is the thing, before I married Shining Armor I along with Twilight were cast into the caves underneath Canterlot and when we encountered one another, she gave me horn sex and ever since then, we have engaged in horn sex on a regular basis"

*GASP!*

"Seriously? You have been cheating on your husband with your sister-in-law?"

"Well I wouldn't call it cheating since Shining knows about it but here is where the horn sex and pregnancy came into play, she admitted to using a fertility spell one time when she gave it to me and not too long after that, I became pregnant."

"Princess, so were you two being assertive at the time?"

"Yes we were and that is why I wanted this done. I wanted to know if he is the father or if it was Twilight's magic that conceived her."

"Very well then, let's have your husband come out on stage."

*Clap, clap, clap*

Once Shining Armor arrived out on stage and the audience quieted down, Iron Will said, "Shining Armor, Iron Will is glad to see you here."

"Thanks. I just want to know if Flurry truly is my daughter or if my younger sister did indeed use a fertility spell on my wife."

"Iron Will wants to know, when it was discovered that Cadence was pregnant, how often were you being assertive with her?"

"Five nights a week. It was only on Saturday and Sunday nights that we didn't."

"Why not?"

"We didn't because after the incident in the caves, she just had to go and spend time with Twilight every single weekend and how often she gave her horn sex."

He turned to Cadence and asked, "How often was that."

"I don't remember but it was quite a bit."

"Very well then. Let's find out from Twilight herself."

*Booooo, boooo, booooo!*

Twilight arrived on stage and was greeted by boos and various insults, many directed towards her promiscuous nature when it came to Cadence.

"Princess Twilight, Cadence had brought up frequent horn assertiveness while you two would meet. How often did that happen?"

Twilight boasted, "Well, whenever she came to see me she was my sex slave. Whenever I wanted horn sex, I got it because she just couldn't get enough of me, I OWN her!"

*Booo, skank, whore, slut, bitch!*

After the audience quieted down Iron Will motioned for Twilight to continue, "With magic it is rather funny. I could continue to pump her full of what would be needed to get her pregnant for hours on end and she loved it, she begged me for it! I gave her so much that there is no way that Flurry isn't mine!"

He turned back to Shining and asked, "Shining Armor, were you aware of your wife's infidelity?"

"Yes, I was. After the incident in the caves, she pretty much demanded that I allow her to go to Ponyville and engage in 'sister-in-law bonding' if I didn't want her to divorce me."

"Shining Armor, you need to stop being such a doormat, you need to be assertive and stand up to your wife!"

Iron Will turned to Cadence and asked, "Seriously, you were so assertive that you threatened to divorce him if he didn't allow this?"

Before she could reply, Twilight boasted, "Didn't you hear what he said? He was aware of it and I'll tell you one thing, Cadence told me herself on multiple occasions how much better I am then Shining Armor. She even said on a couple of occasions that she wished she had never married him and would have married ME instead!"

*Boooo, booo! Skank, bitch, homewrecker, slut!*

After the audience quieted down he turned to Cadence and asked, "Is this true? Did you ever say that to Twilight?"

"No, I never did. This is just Twilight being a bitch, a horrid little bitch who wants to tear up my marriage and take me for herself."

"Don't go lying Cadi, you know you're a doormat. You know you loved it when I fucked you, you know you loved it when I'd fuck you for hours on end and fill you with my impregnation magic."

"Stop it you two. If you don't stop with the profanity, Iron Will will have to have you removed from stage and Iron Will will release the results with both of you in the back!"

The studio went quiet for nearly a whole minute until Iron Will got a message in his ear piece that the results were in. "Alright everypony, the results are in."

A pony brought out a piece of paper and handed it to him. Upon reading it, he began, "When it comes to Flurry Heart, Prince Shining Armor, you are NOT the father!"

Shining's jaw dropped open before he buried his face in his hooves and began to cry. Iron Will approached him, smacked him and said, "If you weren't such a doormat this wouldn't have happened." He raised his voice and continued, "Don't let your wife have extramarital sex, make her your ex!"

Shining nodded before getting up and rushing into the back. Iron Will sat back down, held another card up and read, "When it comes to Flurry Heart, Princess Twilight, you ARE the father."

Twilight began to fly around the studio screaming, "Yes, yes, yes, yes! I did it, I did it! I have a daughter of my own!" She landed on the stage and continued, "You see Cadi, I told you she was mine!" She then turned to the audience and boasted, "You see, I fucked the little love princess enough I got my daughter!"

*Boooo* *Just abdicate you little slut* *Celestia needs to strip you of your title!* *You don't deserve those wings you little whore!*

Twilight continued to boast to the audience about her supremacy and how she owned Cadence until Iron Will heard something in his ear piece and a pony brought out a couple more cards. He walked up to Twilight, grabbed her and said, "Twilight, calm down. Iron Will has got word that the wrong cards were delivered to him." He held up the new cards and continued, "Iron Will has the REAL cards right here."

"What? You mean to tell me that Flurry may not be mine after all?"

He motioned for a member of the staff to go back and get Shining Armor for the real results to be read. Once he was brought back out, he gave Twilight a deep scowl. Once he was seated, Iron Will continued, "Shining Armor, there was a mix up in the cards."

He then turned to the audience and continued, "And now for the real results."

He looked down, then to Shining Armor and finished, "When it comes to Flurry Heart, Prince Shining Armor, you ARE the father!"

Shining Armor began to jump up and down in joy and would be happier when Flurry was brought out to him. He embraced her, "Oh I'm so happy! I love you so much Flurry!" He then turned to Cadence and continued, "I love you too sweetie!"

*Yay! Awww!* *Clap, clap, clap*

Twilight however was not thrilled and yelled, "Those new cards are a lie to make me look bad! Flurry is mine and you all know that!"

After a couple minutes of ranting, Twilight was finally led off the stage so the show could go on.

Iron Will approached them and asked, "Shining Armor, Cadence, what are your plans now?"

"Well, I do hope that Cadence and I can remain together if not for us, for Flurry."

"Agreed and Shiny, I have decided I'm going to give up Twilight. She has caused so many problems and this situation finally made me realize that I never should have done this with her."

"I'm happy to hear that Cadence and besides, she has the spa twins down there in Ponyville."

Iron Will got a notification in his ear piece that this segment was drawing to a close. He finished, "Well Iron Will is pleased to see that this turned out alright but Shining Armor, you really need to be more assertive with your wife. Up next, a Saddle Arabian mare is discovered to have been very assertive in the bedroom with many stallions! Stay tuned to find out the identity of the father!"

After their segment was over, the three were led into the back where they were greeted by Princess Celestia, "Well I'm glad that turned out alright. For a while I thought I was going to wind up having ponies all over the country calling for Twilight's head."

Shining looked around and asked, "Speaking of her, where is she?"

Cadence replied, "I don't know and I don't care. To be honest, I wouldn't care if I never saw her again."

Celestia said, "Well whether you want to or not, you'll most likely have to since she is a princess."

Cadence suggested, "Aunt Celestia, do you think that this would merit you removing those wings, stripping her of that title and removing that longevity spell? After this, I don't think she deserves to be a princess and she certainly shouldn't be allowed to make everypony around her miserable for over 3,000 years."

Celestia laughed, "I'm sorry Cadence but I get too much joy out of seeing her make everypony around her miserable and besides, I want her to remain miserable for as long as possible.

Cadence protested, "But she has done so much wrong! You saw what happened out there! You saw how much joy she got out of thinking Flurry was hers and you saw what a bitch she was being."

Celestia began to chuckle before breaking down laughing. This brought out anger from Shining Armor, "What is it Celestia? Why are you laughing?"

Celestia's laughter became harder to control, "Oh Cadence, I thought you would have known by now that I trolled you, I trolled all of you!" :trollestia:

They both gasped, "What? You trolled us?"

Celestia laughed, "Of course! I thought you would know well enough that for Twilight to actually get you pregnant, her magic would have to be better, much better!"

Shining yelled, "What did you do, switch out the cards?"

Celestia snickered, "Of course! I have to have fun every now and then you know."

Cadence slapped Celestia and yelled, "You bitch, you dirty bitch. Do you realize that you made us all look horrible in the eyes of the nation? Do you realize what this could do to the royal family?"

Celestia laughed, "Oh I'm not worried. Nopony knows I trolled you and Luna isn't involved in this at all so us natural born Alicorns are perfectly safe from public scrutiny."

Cadence yelled, "I will inform the public and they'll know you were behind this."

Celestia's laugh became louder, "Oh and who is going to believe a mare who screws her sister in law? Nopony, that's who!"

Cadence finally realized that Celestia was likely right and decided that it would be best to drop the issue and they parted ways. Once they parted ways Celestia began to laugh again thinking about her next letter to Twilight, "Oh this is going to be hilarious, too hilarious!"

Special: Celestia's Trolling Letters

To The Princess of Betrayal,

Let me start out by saying that your behavior on The Iron Will Show is exactly why everypony despises you and chances are, they probably hate you even more now. Seriously, what the hell was up with you talking about how you own Cadence? I get it, you screwed her till the cows came home and then some but for you to honestly think that you have the magical know how to cast a fertility spell is a joke.

I am going to let you know something, many, many ponies up here in Canterlot saw that episode and you are now known as not The Princess of Friendship but The Princess of Betrayal for how you betrayed your brother. I am going to admit though, this is not entirely your fault since Cadence did partake with you in the sexual activities and even your brother is not squeaky clean since he didn't have any problems with Cadence doing this, basically he enabled this situation to take place.

I do want to let you know though that with the first set of cards that had results on them, those were fake. I switched them out because I needed a good laugh and I thought the whole country would enjoy it as well. From what I understand, that was the highest rated episode ever and now ponies are demanding that reruns of that episode be shown over and over so they can continue to see you talking about how you fucked Cadence, see your elation and then watch it turn into a furious rage.

Congratulations though Twilight. You are obviously the most despised princess in Equestria but after this, I wouldn't be surprised if another assassination attempt or a dozen were to happen. Don't worry though, even if somepony was to try to assassinate you, it wouldn't work because of that longevity spell I cast on you. Had that longevity spell not worked, you would have been killed when Tirek threw you into the side of that mountain.

Oh and I do have some bad news for you. Because of what happened, Cadence has told me that she will no longer put out for you. What a shame because I know you loved the horn sex but hey, you still have the spa twins so not all is lost. Also, if you have this need for horn sex, I'm sure you can threaten Starlight in one way or another and force her to give it to you because I sure the hell won't and who is to say your old friends will after how you lied about your last interaction with them.

Oh and on a final note, damn it sucks to be you!

Your Fun Loving Troll,

Princess Celestia

To My Shamed Niece,

First off let me start out by saying that the episode of The Iron Will Show staring you and Twilight was successful beyond his wildest dreams. While his show has always been popular, over half the country watched this episode and polls taken not too long afterwards show that your popularity has plunged and that just about everypony despises Twilight. Luckily for Luna and I though, our popularity went through the roof since we are innocent little angels with no scandals on our hooves whatsoever.

Now I will let you know one thing, I certainly hope that none of this will ever cause Flurry Heart any problems because it would be downright horrible if she was to be harassed about her mother screwing her sister-in-law and her father allowing it to happen. If that does happen, I'll have to take her away and raise her as my own so don't be surprised if someday I don't come up there and demand you hand Flurry Heart over to a set of hooves that can raise her free of scandal.

Now remember Cadence, keep your word and don't give in to those urges. I know how you are, I know you'll start lusting for Twilight again soon and unless Flurry Heart gives you puppy dog eyes, I know you'll act on them.

Your Superior Aunt,

Princess Celestia

To Princess Trollestia,

I am going to start by saying that you are a fucking bitch. I can't believe it that you would go as far as to troll Cadence and I on national television. You have done a great amount of trolling in your days, including setting Tirek loose but to make me look like a total joke for the whole nation to see is going too far. What the hell were you thinking? Did you do that to purposely make ponies think more lowly of Cadence and I than they already do? Was your popularity level slumping and you did this out of spite?

I know I should not have behaved the way I did on that show and I will admit, I wanted Flurry to be mine and when I thought I did cause her to be conceived I was elated and when I learned that was a lie I was enraged but what pissed me off the most is learning that you trolled me.

I know you have had proteges before me, Sunset Shimmer to name one and Radiant Hope to name another. What happened, did you troll them to the point where you ran them off before you could really fuck up their lives like you did mine? Did you pull shit like this with them or did you simply make their lives miserable in more conventional ways, ways like you did to me prior to my banishment? I honestly wish that Luna were the primary princess because she never would have pulled things like this. She is far more rational than you'll ever be.

Hating Your Trolling Guts,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Horrible Aunt,

You know what, as much as I hate her right now I'm going to admit something. Twilight is beyond right about you, you are a troll. I always knew you were a bit of a prankster and would take those pranks a bit too far but this really takes the cake. The very fact that you would make me look like a joke and Shining Armor look like an enabler on national TV is downright disgusting.

Thanks to you, everypony who saw that episode knows that I screw my sister-in-law and I have already had a few of my subjects call me out and demand that I step down. I can't help but wonder if you and Iron Will were working together to make a joke out of not just me, but Twilight and Shining Armor. I know you enjoy bringing about misery on those that you don't like and since Twilight falls in that category, you figured you may as well drag me into it as well.

Also, I don't care what happens. I will NOT let you just take Flurry Heart away from me. She is MY daughter, not yours so I would advise you leave her alone.

Your Embarrassed Niece,

Princess Cadence

The Gift of Maud Pie

Dear Princess Trollestia,

Ugh, here we go again. Here we have yet another episode where they exclude me. Do they not get that I am the reason this show exists? I get it, they think Rarity and Pinkie going to go meet Pinkie's boring as hell sister is more important than focusing on me. Oh well, when this episode's ratings suck, Hasbro can't blame me.

Upset I Was Excluded Again,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I do have some good news. I found a good place for me to open a boutique in Manehattan. The bad news, I had to put up with Pinkie, her annoying behavior and that boring sister of hers. I suppose this is my own fault though for deciding to go at the same time as Pinkie did but still, she could have behaved better while we were there.

I think she really needs to realize that the meaning of a gift is more important than if it is "better" than what somepony else got for her. She actually gave her party canon away just so she could give her sister a rock pouch to carry that rock of hers around in. Now I know why Twilight thinks she is an idiot and not all that bright. If she had an ounce of sense, she would have just knocked that creepy con-pony senseless and stole his rock pouch.

Oh well, all that matters is I found a place for my new boutique so I'd consider this trip a success.

Sincerely,

Rarity

Dear Princess Celestia,

I feel awful. I wound up getting Maud two gifts in one day and since she gave the rock pouch back for my party cannon, I technically didn't get her anything. This is horrible but next year I'll really have to step things up. Maybe you could help me get something well in advance of our Pie Sisters' Surprise Swap Day so I won't be a big disappointment.

Sincerely,

Pinkie Pie

To Equestria's Bitchy Princess,

*YAWN* You honestly think I care when I am almost always excluded? Look, I know you are always grumpy over this but I've said this before and I'll say it again, just go to the spa and everything will be just fine!

Sick of Your Bitching,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rarity,

So you are doing well enough off that you can afford to open a third boutique? I am seriously considering doing an audit on the ones you currently run because I have a very strong feeling that you may be cheating on your taxes so you'll have the funds for this third one. Don't be surprised if you wind up being greeted by officials from the ERS one of these days demanding that you pay up.

You do know what the penalty for cheating on your taxes is, don't you? With most ponies, it would be five years in the dungeon but I think something much worse would be appropriate for you, forcing you to move into Twilight's bedroom and be her slave. Now I will be nice and give you a week to provide proof that you are not cheating on your taxes before I do the audit since I am in a good mood.

Now think about Sweetie Belle, would you really want her to be traumatized with the fact that her older sister is a tax cheat and the slave of the most hated princess in the land?

Ready to Audit your Boutiques,

Princess Celestia

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You know what your problem is? Your problem is that you are far too eager to please that sister of yours. I am pretty sure that she would have loved any gift from you because it came from the heart. I know you meant well but you could probably give her a rock off the sidewalk and she would have been happy and appreciated it.

Now I am sorry Pinkie but I will not help you acquire something for this ritual you two do every year, that is your problem, not mine.

Not Caring About your Problem,

Princess Celestia

Gauntlet of Fire

Dear Princess Trollestia,

Alright, so Spike started glowing so he had to go out to the dragon lands AND just to make sure he didn't die or something Rarity and I had to follow him. Now naturally I actually wanted to do something for a change but it wasn't to protect him, it was so I could learn more about dragons, write a paper about them and become famous and well renowned like I should be.

Perhaps ponies would forget about the whole scandal involving me and Cadence and rather thinking of me as a royal homewrecker, they'd think, "Twilight Sparkle? You mean that amazing princess who ventured into the dragon lands, befriended the lord of the dragons and taught us so much about them?" Now yeah, that is how things should be.

One bit of good news, I did actually befriend Ember and she said I can write her anytime to learn more about them and their culture. Sweet, I can just feel it. My works will be published in journals all over the land and I will be famous for what I should be, MY INTELLIGENCE, something that you obviously don't have.

Future Published Scholar,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To the Dragon Lord Ember,

I am very happy to have earned your friendship, which is something much more than what I have with that white unicorn that accompanied me. I am happy to know that we can communicate and learn about your species and your culture. Also, I do want you to know that you are free to visit Ponyville anytime you wish. Now given that the ponies in the dump where I live were very xenophobic when it came to a zebra I can't guarantee they will be overly welcoming but don't worry, I'll set them straight if they aren't.

Looking Forward to Further Correspondence,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Spike,

Thanks for allowing me to take the bloodstone scepter to my father despite you being the first one to get to it. I really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Dragon Lord Ember

To An Arrogant Princess,

You seriously think that by learning enough about dragons and writing a paper about them and their culture will get ponies to forget about all the shit you pulled? Look, that episode of The Iron Will Show is a classic and is aired as a rerun regularly so all anypony will ever think of when the name Princess Twilight Sparkle is brought up will be an amoral pony who screwed her sister-in-law.

Look, I know you want to eventually free yourself from the scandal that haunts you but it will never happen, ever. You just better hope the dragons don't know anything about your behavior or they may think all ponies are like that and won't want anything to do with us.

Knowing You'll Never Be Special,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Twilight,

I am glad that us dragons and you ponies have become friends now but I do have one question, are all ponies with the exception of you and Rarity a bunch of xenophobes or is it just a matter of you living in a town full of mindless hicks? Either way though, I look forward to our communications and visiting Ponyville someday.

Sincerely,

Dragon Lord Ember

P.S. I don't know if this is true or not but I have heard rumors that you screwed your sister-in-law. If it is true, don't worry. Unlike most ponies, us dragons are rather laid back and are glad to see a pony that isn't lame and boring like most of you are.

To the Dragon Lord Ember,

You're welcome. I know you'll make a great dragon lord, you'll keep the other dragons in line and you might help my master be able to publish some sort of paper regarding dragons and their culture. Like Twilight, I do look forward to your first visit to Ponyville.

Sincerely,

Spike

No Second Prances

Dear Sunbutt,

I want to start out by letting you know that at first I was not thrilled with my pupil's choice of a first friend outside of my acquaintances. When she brought Trixie into the castle I knew that she would be nothing but trouble and of course I was right. Here I thought Starlight was going to be a great student but all of a sudden the only thing running through her mind was Trixie. I even suggested new friends that aren't on my bad side but would she listen to me? No she didn't because apparently even she wants to troll me which is something that did not make me happy.

Now I do find it kind of funny that Trixie kept her from attending that dinner and caused you to waste your time. Oh well, its not like you had anything important on your schedule anyway. Hey, it kept you away from my old friends for a night so it isn't all bad, right?

Now I suppose I shouldn't be quite as upset as I am because you are not going to believe this, Starlight and Trixie are not only friends now but they are friends with benefits. I certainly hope that this will cause Fluttershy to see that Starlight isn't loyal and will run off at the drop of a hat to befriend a pony who can give her horn sex. Yes Fluttershy is hot but hey, if it meant me getting horn sex, I'd hook up with another unicorn too....or even better, force PETA Girl to join me and this unicorn. I don't see Starlight doing this though, her and Trixie have simply bonded way too much and together they are already keeping me up all night with their damn squealing and moaning.

Now the time has finally come. Since Starlight will no longer be there to protect PETA Girl from me, her initiation ceremony will be soon, very soon!

Ready to Initiate Fluttershy,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are not going to believe this. While Fluttershy and I have been friends with benefits for a while now I came across an incredibly hot unicorn, one who has a checkered past like me. We spent some time together, I helped her with her show and then naturally we never showed up for that supper because we had more important items on our agenda, much more important issues.

Now I am going to admit, Trixie is good, very good! I am so happy that Twilight gave me the assignment of making a new friend or I would never have met Trixie nor would I have ever found an exclusive bestie with benefits. Who knows though, perhaps her and I may become more. One thing I do know though, Twilight isn't thrilled and I think I know why, she is jealous! She is jealous that I have a hot mare as a special friend, something she will never have.

Oh and sorry we missed that supper but hey, having fun is much more important, right?

Trixie's New Bestie With Benefits,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Fluttershy,

I am writing you to let you know that I met another friend, a very hot unicorn named Trixie. We have talked and she knows all six of you but there is one thing about her. Her and I had a special experience and we are now besties with benefits. However, I do not want to give our special friendship up so I was thinking that perhaps you could join the two of us.

Yes I know you have a bad history with her but she has changed. She is no longer a bitch hell bent on revenge, she is a sweet pony who wants to be friends with more ponies than just me. Just give it a shot, I'm sure you'll like it and like mine, her horn will be to die for!

Your Friend With Benefits,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

What? I share my body with you and give you a special kind of friendship that nopony else did and this is how you repay me? Let me guess, Trixie gave you horn sex and now you can't get enough of her. Is that why you decided to make her your bestie, is it because she can give you horn sex while I can't? What pisses me off more is that you have the audacity to suggest that I join you two. Why, just so that you will still have me and you can have her as well?

You know what, fuck that shit. I honestly wonder if you aren't any better than Twilight wanting my body like that. Hell you might actually be worse because you not only expect me to put out for you now but that bitch Trixie too? No, I will not do that. To be honest, I would rather let Twilight initiate me roughly than ever let Trixie get into my coat. Yes Twilight is a bitch and won't leave me alone but at least she never pulled anything like what Trixie has.

You know what, the hell with you. Also, if Trixie was to run off and leave you out in the cold, don't come running back to me. Yes we can still be friends but as far as benefits go, never again.

Angry and Hurt,

Fluttershy

Dear Starlight,

First off I want to let you know that I am not thrilled that you would have the audacity to skip that very important supper. Normally a punishment for such an act would be the moon for a few decades but since you not only upset Twilight but also gave her a new chance to make somepony else miserable, I'll forgive you.

I have seen Trixie and I must say, you do have a good taste in "friends" with benefits. I can already tell that the two of you will be perfect for one another. Now I do have a favor to ask of you, take Trixie into your bedroom, make love to her and be extremely loud so that you can not only keep Twilight up at night, but also make her jealous. I know she is envious of you, especially since you now have a lover that can give you what you give her.

Oh, and if it ever comes down to it, I'll officiate the wedding, make Twilight set it up and make her parents pay for it!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To Starbutt,

Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that your pupil has already been corrupted by another pony, by one that you don't like? You have no idea how thrilled I am. I had a feeling that someday somepony would come along and lead Starlight astray. I am just glad that it wasn't a pony that you had no history with and I am certainly glad that it wasn't PETA Girl making Starlight more than a friend. Want to know why, because now you can resume making her life miserable and be miserable after she shoots you down, again and again.

Who knows though, Fluttershy may be so devastated over her "friend" betraying her and hooking up with a pony that can give what she gives that she may become desperate. If that is the case, she may throw all her standards out the window and allow you to initiate her. If that does indeed happen, let me know all the juicy details so I'll know if I would want to join the two of you.

Wait a minute, I don't know why I'm bringing this up because it will never happen. Oh well though, a mare can fantasize right?

Always the Best,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You know something, that silverware of yours looks incredibly familiar. Upon further inspection I discovered that you must have stolen mine since your castle didn't have any. Naturally I am not very happy so I have decided that I will fine your parents for the cost of the set and if they refuse to pay, well further punishment will have to take place.

Dear Fluttershy,

You should be thanking The Great and Powerful Trixie for stealing Starlight away from you because Trixie knows that you have always wanted Twilight to initiate you and since Starlight won't be there to protect you anymore, she can come pay you a special visit.

Tell you what, Trixie will even notify Twilight that you want her and perhaps you will have somepony to give you what Starlight no longer will.

Starlight's New Bestie and Lover,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Twilight,

The Great and Powerful Trixie has some wonderful news for you. She has communicated with Fluttershy and she wants you to initiate her! Since Starlight will no longer be there to provide her with the horn sex she has grown to love, she wants YOU. The Great and Powerful Trixie advises that you hurry up and pay her a visit before she changes her mind.

Sincerely,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Trixie,

Seriously, Fluttershy wants me to initiate her? Sweet, I'll have to go and take care of that right now! Thanks for letting me know about this and thank you even more for taking Starlight away from her!

Thankful for You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Trixie,

You honestly think I want Twilight to initiate me? Look, just because you stole Starlight away from me does not mean that I am going to go crazy without horn sex and Twilight is the last pony I would ever do that with. I'll just have to see if Rarity will take me back. If she comes and bothers me, so help me I will see to it that you are punished and punished severely.

Hoping Twilight Doesn't Bother Me,

Fluttershy

Twilight Velvet and Night Light,

I am writing to you over matters of great importance. After your daughter got her new castle, she had the audacity to break into the palace and steal my silverware! Now this is a very serious crime and I have decided that since you raised your daughter to be a thief that you shall pay for this, here is the invoice.

Cost of the silverware she stole................................................30,000 bits
Cost of my new replacement silverware..................................85,000 bits

Subtotal.......................................................................................115,000 bits

Inconvenience fee of 29.95%.....................................................34,442.50 bits

TOTAL...........................................................................................149,442.50 bits

Drop by the palace in the next 96 hours and pay up or not only will I seize your house, I will also throw you in the dungeon and torture you for the next year.

Kindest Regards,

Princess Celestia

Princess Sunbitch,

Twilight did what, she STOLE your silverware and you expect us to pay for it? Look, we are getting sick and tired of constantly being fined for that little bitch's failures, disasters and now acts of larceny. We don't get why the hell you are doing this anyway, it's not like you're hurting for money.

Go ahead and pull this shit, we will expose you for all this unfair taxation and fining and the public will not stand for it! They will demand you abdicate and allow Luna to take over.

Sick of Your Abuse of Power,

Twilight Velvet and Night Light

Author's Note

Twilight was initially not thrilled.

Just the beginning of something great!

This fork looks familiar, TOO FAMILIAR!

Special: Twilight's Finally Happy!

Dear Twilight,

I know for so long that I said that I would never let you initiate me but after how Starlight betrayed me and ran off with that bitch Trixie, I figured that I would give you a chance just so you'll quit bitching, realize that I'm not that good but it looks like things turned out quite differently.

I must admit, YOU ARE SO GOOD! You put Rarity to shame and you put Starlight to shame. Now I am kicking myself for not throwing myself out to you right after we reformed Princess Luna. I will admit, you are so so sexy and that horn of yours feels so good inside me. It is longer than Rarity and Starlight's and you know just the right type of magic to make me feel like I'm the queen of the world.

I want to ask you a very important question Twilight, will you be my marefriend?

Love Always,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

I am so happy you finally gave me a chance and I feel so bad that I wanted to initiate you for so long. What we have now is so much more than a mere initiation, we are something special. You are everything a mare could ever dream of. You are sexy, you are sweet, you are kind and I know you truly love me.

Now I told you that I would put Rarity and Starlight to shame! I am just glad that you have finally given me a reason to be happy. Oh and to answer your question, yes I will be your marefriend! I love you so much Fluttershy.

Eternally Yours,

Twilight

Dear Princess Celestia,

Now hold on to your wings when you read this. As you know, Starlight recently ditched Fluttershy for Trixie so I paid Fluttershy a visit. We sat down, we vented to one another about our problems and then something magical happened. Get this, she kicked Angel out of her cottage for the night and Fluttershy and I made love. We made true, sweet, romantic love and to top things off, we are now marefriends.

I suppose letting Trixie into the castle, her and Starlight skipping that dinner and you getting all pissy and running back home all turned out for the best. Now I finally feel happiness in my life but one thing does trouble my heart. What troubles me is that I will lose my sweet Fluttershy long before I die.

I know you'll probably say no but I want to know if you'll either erase that longevity spell you put on me or if you'll cast it on Fluttershy. I know you love to see others be miserable but would you really want to see the pony that was once your star student lose the one she loves? I hope you'll consider my suggestions.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Wait a minute, are you telling me that you and Fluttershy are actually marefriends? What I would like to know though is what the hell you two were bitching about that caused you to bond. Chances are she was bitching about Starlight, Trixie and maybe that asshole rabbit of hers and knowing you, you were probably bitching about me, Cadence and the fallout from The Iron Will Show.

Let me say though that believe it or not, I am actually happy for you. I am happy that you actually found somepony special, somepony to love. Now I don't know how you're going to adjust to having somepony who actually cares about you for the first time in your life. I am going to give you a suggestion though, don't do anything to jeopardize this new relationship of yours. Fluttershy is a keeper so the first thing I would advise is that you drop Aloe and Lotus, keeping them around will likely be detrimental to the relationship.

Oh and if you two ever decide you want to get married, I will gladly officiate it but there is a catch, your parents will pay for it. Also, you bring Fluttershy up to the palace ASAP and I will cast the longevity spell on her. I would truly hate to see you parted at some point. Yes I'm normally a cold-hearted, uncaring, spiteful, trolling, cake craving bitch but even I wouldn't want to see you lose something that makes you happy.

Now that you have finally shown that you are capable of not only caring about another pony but loving her, I might consider us having a shot at repairing our fractured relationship but you must do a whole lot more than merely get Fluttershy as a marefriend to prove to me that you are not a failure. You must keep her and befriend the others for me to think you are worthy of growing close to me again.

Happy for You for Once,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know you likely won't believe this but Twilight and I are marefriends! For so long she constantly asked me about initiation and I always shot her down but when she came to me and showed she cared about my feelings after Starlight left me for that little bitch Trixie I knew she wasn't the same self-absorbed bitch that she used to be. She proved to me that she is loyal, loving and caring. To make matters better, she has even dumped the spa twins and now that nothing is standing in our way, we know that we will be truly happy.

Oh and I'm sure Twilight has asked you about this but could you cast that longevity spell on me so that Twilight and I will never be parted? I don't want her to be devastated if I was to pass long before then and I certainly wouldn't want her to be miserable because of things that I can't control. Please consider it, it would make both Twilight and I happy.

Your Loyal Subject,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

I am going to say that this was something that I never expected but I am happy for you and happy with you. I am happy that you found true love and I am happy with you because you are responsible for finally bringing happiness into Twilight's life. Now I'm sure she will still bitch and complain about being excluded from episodes and other trivial things but hopefully the worst of her bitching is behind her now.

Regarding the longevity spell, consider it done. I don't want you to be sad and believe it or not but I would not want her to be devastated over your death since she actually gives a shit about somepony other than herself now.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

Dear Trixie,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! If it weren't for you seducing Starlight, Fluttershy would still be nothing more than a best friend with benefits and Twilight would continue to do nothing but bitch, whine and complain all the damn time. Here you are, a lowly street magician, finally proving your worth. You know, since you and Starlight brought those two together, I'm thinking a special surprise may be in store for you later.

What it is I will not reveal at this point but trust me, it will make you two along with a couple others famous!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

The Great and Powerful Trixie is honored that she improved the life of Princess Bitchy Pants and that marefriend of hers. Trixie must let you in on what she thinks though. Trixie is certain that Twilight will continue to do nothing but bitch, moan and complain all the time. If what Trixie understands is true, it is part of her royal duties to make you miserable.

Now about making The Great and Powerful Trixie famous, that would be awesome. Trixie wants to become famous for all the right reasons, not the wrong reasons like your subordinate.

Always the Best Pony,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Twiskank,

We share our bodies with you, we shut down shop for months at a time for you and this is how you repay us? You know what, you can go straight to Tartarus, you and Flutterslut both. Oh and if Fluttershy ever bails on you, don't come running back to us. Rarity came to us in a lot of distress and she is a hell of a lot better than you.

Hating Your Guts,

Aloe Vera and Lotus Blossom

Aloe and Lotus,

Look, I have Fluttershy now so I don't need you anymore. Fluttershy is a lot sweeter, sexier and kinder than you two. Yes we had good times but Fluttershy wants an eternity with me and that is far more important.

Not Caring About You Anymore,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

A Hearth's Warming Tail

To Equestria's Substandard Monarch,

Here we go again, terrible weather, unpleasant social gatherings and to top it off this time, I have a student who has issues with Hearth's Warming Eve. You know, I can sort of see where she is coming from. Yes the things we buy for our friends and family are gifts of love but in the end, it is just stuff.

Now I will admit that I made a mistake. I just had to read her "A Hearth's Warming Tail" and apparently that bad pony, Snowfall Frost, was a lot like how she used to be. She hated nice things, she hated free market economies yet benefited off of them at the same time and what was worst for her, she did not have a special somepony in her life.

Luckily neither Starlight or myself has this problem although I think Fluttershy is far kinder to me than Trixie is to Starlight. Fluttershy was there with me at the party while Trixie ran off to Faust knows where but hey, Starlight being without her sweetie still beats her being a dictator who abolished all economic systems and special talents, right?

Hating the Weather,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I'm thinking of taking Fluttershy on a holiday to Las Pegasus next year and escaping the snow and cold. Not only will I enjoy it but I know she will as well. Besides, as a princess, I can issue an executive order and force the fanciest hotel to give the two of us the fanciest room free of charge, along with all the perks that come with it!

Dear Fluttershy's Subordinate,

Wow, Fluttershy really has you henpecked doesn't she? I remember last Hearth's Warming Eve what a bitch you were and now the worst you can do is mildly complain about the weather, complain a bit about Starlight and then make plans on taking your wife, I mean marefriend, to Las Pegasus to escape the weather?

I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm disappointed in you. I am disappointed that you aren't being so bitchy but hey, when you have a special somepony in your life your priorities will change. What a shame one of your old friends wouldn't hook up with me the way Fluttershy has with you. If one of them did, preferably Twinkleshine, I may not be such a bitch.

Speaking of Twinkleshine, you have devastated her. You may find this hard to believe but she was actually willing to not only transfer and be your student but also be your friend with benefits. Oh well, I came out ahead in the end because she needed my loving touch.

Now there is one thing that does irk me. I feel as though I can no longer trust you to take care of Equestria's troublemakers and undesirables. Hell I honestly think I may have to simply start handling them myself again because at least I'm not henpecked and devoting my life to keeping somepony else happy.

Not Henpecked,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh and just for old times' sake, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

Dear Fluttershy,

You have ruined Twilight and I am not one bit happy. She is being all nice in her letters to me now and I don't think I can even trust her to handle prisoners and undesirables anymore. You have her so damn henpecked that she is actually trying to be nice just so she won't upset you. What a sentimental little wimp, right? Oh well, I suppose it would take a PETA member to turn a once proud, confident pony into a subservient little doormat, right? Just do me a favor and don't let her get worse than the season one version of you, alright?"

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the actual fuck? All you ever did was bitch, bitch, bitch about Twilight's constant complaining but now that she is turning over a new leaf you are upset? You have the audacity to call her a wimp when you always wanted her to be a nice pony and get along with everypony? Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you actually enjoyed putting up with her bitching just so you could bitch and complain in return. Just you wait, I'm sure she'll befriend my friends someday, become completely nice and you'll have no choice but to start being nice to her and finding other ponies to belittle.

Angry With You,

Fluttershy

P.S. Don't worry, I'll make sure that she still brutally tortures those who are mean to animals. Hell, I'll join her in the torture and right now I have three specific idiots up in Cloudsdale I'm thinking of convincing her to torture. Thing is, I know she'll do it too because she wants me to be happy because she loves me!

Special: Friends at Last!

Dear Princess Celestia,

You're not going to believe this but Fluttershy convinced me to spend Hearth's Warming with her friends and now they are my friends too! You have no idea how wonderful it is to have six ponies who care about me. I will admit, when you sent me down here I was not one bit happy but now I have a pony who loves me and five genuine friends. I know that is what not only you, but my parents, wanted by sending me down here but now it has happened.

I want to thank you so much for sending me down here. While it took me a long while, I am finally happy and I have you to thank. Again, thank you so much!

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Twilight,

Oh for the love of Faust, could you spare me all this disgusting happiness? I get it, you finally achieved what I sent you down there for but that is no reason for you to make me want to vomit in some sappy letter thanking me for all of this. I know you were horrible before but now you are the worst!

I look back at things and now I wish you would have screwed that siren in the human world because putting you to death would have been preferable to putting up with this disgusting happiness. Ugh, because of you I don't think I can even enjoy my cake tonight. All I'm going to have running through my mind is how you failed me in your quest to constantly make everypony around you miserable.

Sick of Your Pathetic Happiness,

Princess Celestia

The Saddle Row Review

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can not believe that my friends just told that reporter about every single fucking thing that went wrong with the opening. I may not seem it but I am very pissed with them. Now I am going to be honest with you, having raccoons living and working in my Manehattan Boutique is downright disgusting but I'm doing it so that Twilight won't punish me for upsetting Fluttershy.

You know something, Fluttershy ruined her and I know you won't believe this but I honestly wish Twilight would have been a bitch and ran those pesky critters out of my shop. To top it off, thanks to the owner of the building, I had to hire his idiot daughter with glow in the dark teeth! I mean seriously, who the fuck in their right mind has glow in the dark teeth?

Oh and to make matters worse, Manehattan culture apparently finds it hip to have a DJ playing beats in there too so just to stay afloat, I have to have it be a boutique dance club with overgrown rodents serving tea. I swear, I just hope the hell this doesn't make my life too much of a nightmare because if it does, Fluttershy and her little subordinate will be to blame.

Angry Over Everything,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Oh joy, now you're going to start bitching instead eh? I should have known that after Twilight wimped out and became a doormat that you would be the next one to start making my life miserable. I can't say as though I'm surprised but at least you didn't make my life miserable from the moment you matured clear up until a couple weeks ago.

I know you are bitching about everything going awry at your boutique but I can think of something that will get your precious little diamond covered ass even more worked up, MORE TAXES! That's right Rarity, since you have the resources to open a third boutique, you can afford to pay more taxes! I look forward to when you have to file your taxes next year and pay out the ass, getting your money is going to be so much fun!

Waiting to Tax You Again,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

How could you just raise Rarity's taxes when she is opening a new boutique? Don't you know that she will have plenty of operating costs that may not allow her to make massive profits like you think she will? For so long I never imagined that I would say this but I'm going to now. You are greedy for wanting to steal from my friend like that. I suppose I shouldn't expect anything else from you the way you have constantly taxed and fined my parents for things I have done in the past. I honestly think you need to get your priorities straight and find other ponies to tax, not my friends!

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To a Crybaby Princess,

Ugh, not this again! Look, I know you're happy to have friends and shit but let me tell you something right now. You listen to me and listen to me good, you DO NOT challenge me and who I desire to tax. Maybe you need to pull your head out of Fluttershy's ass and read up on the tax code. Her opening another shop has put her in a higher tax bracket and if she can't pay, I'll seize all three of them and sell them off to the highest bidder. Feel free to tell her that too because it would be a crying shame if I was to have to seize her businesses now wouldn't it? :trollestia:

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Applejack's "Day" Off

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, this is something I just don't get. For starters, Applejack and Rarity are now spending time together in the steam room at the spa that I used to have so much fun in before I hooked up with Fluttershy. I can't help but wonder what they do in there and wonder if they leave as many stains as me and the spa twins did? Well that is only part of my rant.

Now about feeding Applejack's damn pigs. Seriously, a list to feed them? Now Spike suggested I just dump the slop in the trough but since there was a list involved, I just had to follow it and I honestly wish I hadn't. Soon though I would discover that Applejack's ways of doing things were so ass backwards that it wasn't funny.

I will say that Rarity is certainly changing considering her and AJ went into the hen house, ran the chickens out and did Faust knows what in there. I remember a time when Rarity was a whiny little bitch who didn't even like going to the farm, much less getting it on in a stinky hen house.

Now if I weren't committed to Fluttershy I would probably join those two at the spa and see what the hell it is those two do although I'm sure AJ loves the horn sex. Maybe I should ask her sometime and see if she'd ever want a little Sparkle in her....well I would if Fluttershy wasn't my true love....and please don't tell her that I brought up thinking about giving AJ a little Sparkle, please?

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Yeah, the way earth ponies do things are pretty backwards but what surprises me is that Rarity and Applejack are suddenly spending so much time together, especially in the hen house. Hell I remember back when those two wanted to kill each other when you had that lame slumber party while Spike was up here trying to but failing miserably in trying to score with Twinkleshine. Sorry I forgot to tell you about that but I know you would have been really upset at the time.

Now regarding what they do in the steam room, I can't be sure but when I spy on them, whenever they come out of the spa they always have guilty looks on their faces. I can't help but wonder if the twins don't join them since you betrayed them and threw them out of your life in favor of a pony who is making you a softy.

Now regarding you talking about giving AJ a bit of Sparkle, don't worry, you secret is safe with me!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Applejack,

How is it that you could not notice how inefficient you were in doing your chores? I can't help but wonder if you didn't do this out of spite or just so you could lure me into the hen house to have some fun? Yeah it provides us with plenty of privacy but the smell is still horrible but I'll do it for you.

Now I am glad that Twilight and I streamlined your chores so now we can go to the spa, seduce the twins and lock ourselves in the steam room for a bit. I do want to let you in on a secret though, you know those dark stains on the floor? Those are things the twins still haven't cleaned up from their romps with Twilight. I know they're pissed at her and will never give her a chance again but the fact that they never cleaned those up makes me wonder if they don't miss her.

On a final note, meet me at the spa tomorrow at noon or it will be more than my horn I put in you, got that sexy girl?

Ready to Have Some Fun,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

What, y'all discovered that those stains were from Twilight? Now you have to admit that is dirtier than the hen house! I'm thinking we need to make the spa twins clean that up before we go there again. I don't know about you but I don't want to be exposed to such filth.

Oh and you think you'll put something in me besides your horn? You're forgetting how strong us earth ponies are aren't you? You know that I could easily buck you off of me if you tried putting something else up in me. Until Aloe and Lotus clean that filth up, I say we keep it to the hen house.

Sincerely,

Applejack

Flutter Brutter

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am fed up, very fed up. I am fed up with my parasitic brother and how he constantly uses my parents. The little bastard flunks out of another school because hideous manes are not in and naturally, he moves back home and starts destroying everything he touches. He made mom replant her flowers, he destroyed half of dad's cloud collection and he acts like I actually give a fuck about him.

Oh and when it comes to his behavior, I tried getting my friends to give him jobs but he failed. My beloved Twilight gave him a job that should be simple for any pegasus pony but he failed there too. Would you mind if I hauled him down to Twilight's dungeon and simply tortured him to death? Yes I know he graduated from mane therapy school finally but I know he'll wind up getting fired and moving back home or even worse, come begging me for a roof over his head.

Fuck that shit, I have much more important things to deal with in life such as making Twilight my doormat and taking care of my animals than assisting him in any way, shape or form. I will tell you one thing, if he comes crawling back after another failure, he can go live in the forest. I don't feel like having to put up with his fucking drama ever again.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Fluttershy,

Oh yes, the parasitic little brother that will never amount to anything, gotta love them right? Now I don't blame you for going on this rant but I can't help but wonder if Twilight is rubbing off on you because this reminds me of something she would write, or should I say used to write before you turned her into a pathetic little weakling.

Now regarding you hauling him into your little marefriend's dungeon and torturing him, go for it. I have been spying from my balcony and I think he is nothing but a waste of space. I do ask you of one favor though, don't dispose of the body anywhere that it may contaminate the soil because I really don't want ponies bitching to me about shit suddenly not growing.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Please don't make Twilight too much of a doormat because she does have royal duties you know. If you make her such a doormat that she won't deal with law breakers and undesirables like she is supposed to, I'll take your precious little sweetie away from you so if you know what is good for you, don't soften her up too much.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can not believe how stupid some ponies are. Fluttershy wanted me to give her idiot brother a job and the dumbass wouldn't even do it. He conned Spike into doing all the work while he just sat there on his dead ass and did nothing. You have no idea how pathetic I think he is and if he weren't Fluttershy's brother, I would have hauled his ass down to my dungeon and tortured him for a few days.

On a positive note though, he did graduate from mane therapy school and while Fluttershy still doubts whether he will ever amount to anything, I hope he does succeed in life so that he won't bring about any undue stress on my sweetie.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

I am disappointed in you. I am disappointed in you because you failed to haul an undesirable down to your dungeon and torture him. I get it, you're so fucking afraid of upsetting Fluttershy that you won't do what you are supposed to do when it comes to potential drains on society. If you knew some of the things Fluttershy told me, you wouldn't have had to worry about what she thought about you hauling him down to the dungeon because she thinks he will fail miserably, as do I.

I'm going to be honest, it is situations like this where I miss the old you. The old you, the real you would have punished him severely and if I were lucky, had invited me down for pegasus wings. Just do me a favor and don't slack too much because if you do, I may come down there and run you through your own torture devices, got it?

Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

Spice Up Your Life

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well my sexy student and I got that map back up and running after she broke it when she traveled through time but the damn thing had the audacity to call Rarity and Pinkie up to Canterlot to take care of something? Why couldn't it have called me and Fluttershy up there, back to my study tower for a friendship lesson that would never end? It should have because then I could have got away from this place and took my sweetie with me.

Upset With the Map,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, even if the map would have "permanently" called you home and said to take Fluttershy with you, it would not have worked. For starters, those animals of hers are more important to her than you are and I know for a fact that if one of your old friends were to suggest a special study session, you'd jump on the opportunity and forget Fluttershy exists. I know how much you like horn sex and I'm surprised you committed to her like this, I thought such a thing would have been saved for Rarity.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You better not let Fluttershy hear you call Starlight sexy because I know if she was to, she'd do who knows what to you. I do know one thing, it would likely be in your dungeon and be horribly painful.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe how negative my father is? He was ready to give up and close down just like that. I knew things would improve and thanks to Pinkie and Rarity, they did. Now we are the most popular restaurant in all of Canterlot but I am wondering, could you change the restaurant rating system up here or at least abolish it. I think it is unfair to restaurants that snobby old hag, I forget her name, doesn't like.

Sincerely,

Saffron Masala

Dear Saffron,

Well I have a new plan for the restaurant rating system and instead of hooves, it will involve crowns. I will come to all the restaurants myself and try out the food and I will give it a rating between a trash can and then one to four crowns. Now the place Zesty Gourmand operates, it is automatically getting a trash can. I don't like that bitch and I plan on running her not just out of business, but out of town. Now be ready, I'll be visiting your restaurant tomorrow and I do hope that whatever you serve will be worthy of a four crown rating.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I'll give you a hint on what I like to get those four crowns. Serve me some delicious cake and I'll make it worth your while....perhaps even five crowns and guaranteed success!

Dear Rarity,

I told you The Tasty Treat was the best place in town but oh no, at first you had to go to all those yucky places on Restaurant Row. I am glad that that meany-mean hooves old hag won't be deciding what ponies in Canterlot eat anymore because I like variety and food that actually tastes good!

Your Friend,

Pinkie Pie

P.S. How could you have ever been friends with Zesty to start with? She is so mean and I would think that you would not associate with such rude ponies.

Dear Pinkie,

Look, I just went with the flow up in Canterlot but I suppose I have to admit you were right, the food that Saffron and her father cooked was delicious and those other places aren't all that good. As far as why I was friends with Zesty, we are both high society ponies and we tend to stick together, well until now that is.

Sincerely,

Rarity

Stranger than Fan Fiction

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are not going to believe this but I was able to help Daring Do thwart another evil plot by Caballeron! Well I suppose I should say me and this whiny voiced idiot that only likes the first trilogy. Get this, he claims the latter books are not realistic and for Faust's sake, I took part in one of them! Hell I even made the cover and that moron didn't even notice me and how awesome I am!

I am glad that you let me get out of going to that boring friendship summit though and I am so glad you made the rest of my friends, especially Twilight go because she would have probably fucked up and allowed Caballeron to get the Amulet of Culiacan and then acquire the Seven-Sided Chest of Chicomoztoc and that would have been a disaster!

Maybe Twilight can attend the next one although lets face it, Fluttershy probably wouldn't let her go and would threaten to leave her if she did.

Happy I Went to the Convention,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Crash,

That's nice and all but I honestly don't give a shit. Now yes I'm sure the little adventure you wound up taking part in will be in the next book and I will read about it then but right now, I don't care what you did at the convention. You most likely are right about Twilight though, she has become Fluttershy's doormat and it would have taken an act of God-Emperor Goldner for Fluttershy to let her go so don't worry, even if her schedule is free next time she won't be able to join you and fuck anything up.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Princess Celestia,

I am not thrilled one bit right now. You wind up holding a damn friendship summit in Griffonstone at the same time as a Daring Do Convention that I wanted to attend? Couldn't you have scheduled that damn thing for a time that would have been more convenient for me, such as a quarter till never? Once again you have proven yourself to be a troll not just because you kept me away from an event I had been looking forward to for months but also you gave all of us a false hope that griffons would ever understand friendship.

Upset You Made Me Miss the Daring Do Convention,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Princess Twilight,

Look, I don't pay attention to when the conventions take place and besides even had I not scheduled it when I did, I'm sure Fluttershy would have put her hoof down and not let you go since you are such a doormat now. Speaking of that, this is one thing that really disappoints me. The pony who was once my star student, a pony who was given a kick ass dungeon has been reduced to being at the mercy of a pegasus. What a shame that dungeon didn't get more use and you didn't spill any blood.

Oh and I just thought I'd let you know that Crash had a kick ass time at the Daring Do convention and aided in thwarting an evil plot of Dr. Caballeron's.

Happy you Missed the Convention,

Princess Celestia

Quibble,

I told you the things that happen in the latter books are real! Now perhaps you will expand your collection beyond the first trilogy, especially since we'll both be in the next book!

Your New Friend,

Rainbow Dash

Rainbow,

Ok but just because they are slightly more realistic doesn't mean that I have to like them. You see, I like the Daring Do that solves puzzles and uses her brain to get out of tough situations while you like the Daring Do that screws you but that is ok! We don't have to agree on what makes Daring Do cool but you Crash are pretty cool.

Sincerely,

Quibble Pants

P.S. Next time you and Daring Do get it on, could you share all the juicy details with me? You see, I'm planning on writing a clop fic and I can't think of two better ponies to have star in it than you two.

The Cart Before the Ponies

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe the shit that my sister pulled? I wanted an old-fashioned cart like they used in the old days but Rarity just had to build some gigantic swan cart to make up for her getting beat out by Derpy for the most creative cart when she was a filly. She can claim to be the Element of Generosity but in the end she is nothing short of an attention whore!

I think I now know why Twilight always wanted you to replace her with Twinkleshine. I don't know her but if she is anything like what Twilight told me she was once, she would have helped me build an old-fashioned cart, not some hideous abomination that should have been in the dump!

Angry With My Sister,

Sweetie Belle

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the fuck was up with my sister? She knew that I wanted the fastest cart yet she builds some piece of shit that was ready for the scrap yard before it was even finished. Doesn't she know that I'm not stuck in the dirt age like she is? You know, I'm surprised Twilight doesn't bitch about her more. I would think that a pony who has such outdated views would be bitched about a whole lot more.

Your Apple Picking Subject,

Apple Bloom

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can not believe that Rainbow didn't pick up on the hints I was dropping. I was doing things to try and make my cart creative yet all she wanted was the fastest cart. Damn it, it was supposed to be my cart and I already know all about speed and wanted to try something fun for a change. I think I know why Twilight used to bitch about her so much before she became Fluttershy's doormat, it was shit like this. I just hope she will not be so damn stubborn and selfish come the next derby.

Sincerely,

Scootaloo

Dear Cutie Mark Cult,

Look, in the end you got the carts you wanted so I don't know why you are bitching about this. Yes I know your sisters were being bitches and wanted things their way but that is no reason to bitch to me about it. Just be grateful that you have ponies who actually give a shit about you because I sure the hell don't.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know you were probably going to expect to hear from Twilight bitching about being excluded from this episode but I told her that it was unnecessary and luckily she paid attention to me for once. You see, I threatened her that if she continued bitching about episodes she was not in, I would leave her and there would be nopony left who would give a shit about her. Yes my friends still care about her but if I left her over her bitching, I could get them to stop caring and as far as Starlight goes, she is lost enough in Trixie that she doesn't need Twilight.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

P.S. Oh and you're welcome.

Dear Fluttershy,

My my, aren't you the controlling type. I never once imagined that you would be able to control her like this. I thought I raised her better than to become somepony's doormat but I suppose when a pony is desperate for love, she will do anything to keep it. Remember though, she does have royal duties so you can't make her into too much of a doormat.

Nopony's Doormat,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don't go expecting a thank you from me Flutters. You know, if I think you are too much of a negative influence on Twilight, I could take her away from you so I would advise that you don't make her too weak to torture dissidents and law-breakers.

28 Pranks Later

Dear Princess Celestia,

You really need to do something about Crash now. That bitch wound up scaring me and thought it was nothing more than a funny prank. What a bitch she is. I think you need to replace her with a pony that would be more friendly. Maybe that gray pegasus with a bow in her mane would do, she seems friendly enough.

Now in the end we did get her back by pretending to be sick after she replaced these filly guide cookies with joke cookies and we sure got her there. Anyway, take what I suggested into consideration. I think my friends and I would all appreciate it.

Twilight's Owner,

Fluttershy

P.S. Oh and just so you know, I'm a great actress! I pretended to be scared and had Twilight stay up all night and hold me close. I swear, having a pony who wanted to basically rape me at one time suddenly being my doormat is sweet! I'm honestly thinking of putting her on a leash next time we go out and about. I know she would let me too because she'd never do anything to risk losing me!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe what my friends did to me? They wound up scaring me by pretending to be sick after I switched some filly guide cookies out for joke cookies. That is so mean, don't you think? I have a perfect idea, replace them with the rest of the Wonderbolts! I know they would never do anything like that to me.

Oh and just so you know, Fluttershy lied about being scared and simply had her little pet hold her close all night. You know something, I actually miss the old Twilight. Yes she was a bitch but at least she wasn't a slave, had a spine and had the ability to think for herself.

Sincerely,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know Fluttershy has probably wrote to you about this but I just thought I would let you know that Rainbow wound up pulling a really mean prank on my sweet Fluttershy. Luckily I was able to comfort her and calm her down. I am so upset with Rainbow right now. Hopefully Fluttershy will give you some advice on the appropriate action on how to deal with this.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To an Arrogant, Enslaving Pegasus,

You know what, I don't give a shit. So what if Crash scared you? In fact I'm glad to see it because you have exerted way too much control over the pony that was once my star student. So you're going to put her on a leash now? I am not thrilled but in a way it serves her right for being such a doormat. I do have an idea though, make her wear a sign that reads, "Property of Fluttershy."

You know something, I kind of miss the old Twilight, the one that would constantly bitch about not being able to initiate you. What a shame that never really happened because that would have been so much fun to read about. Oh well but do remember, she does have royal duties. Make sure she performs them or I'll take your little sweetie away from you and send one of my other students down there, one that always dominated Twilight big time and trust me, you don't want this one stalking you. That one would easily conquer you, definitely turn you into a grade A doormat and tear you a new hole during the initiation ceremony.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Crash,

Guess what, I don't give a shit. You got what you had coming and I am not thrilled that you ruined the CMCs cookie sale. Just look at it this way, your stupid prank didn't kill anypony and in the end you all got a good laugh out of it.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am glad you scared Fluttershy though. I do not like how she has pretty much became the owner of who was my star student. You know, you should make her life miserable just to see how far Twilight would go to make her sweetie happy. I'm secretly hoping Twilight will snap one of these days and become a pony you'll all hate again.

Dear Twilight,

I'm going to be honest, I'm surprised that Fluttershy still lets you even write to me. I thought by now she would have had Rarity put an enchanted horn cap on you so you could never use your magic ever again. Oh well, a submissive little doormat like you would never do anything to risk losing your master, I mean marefriend.

Hell even in your pathetic attempt to complain about Crash, you sounded so sweet and sentimental. All this you being a softy shit is making me vomit. Thanks to you I won't even be able to enjoy my cake tonight. I do have some advice though, grow a damn spine and stand up to your owner. I am honestly thinking of enlisting Iron Will to give you a private assertiveness training. Hell if I do that I'd even pay for it myself because I am ashamed to see what you have become because it is making ME look bad.

Ashamed of You,

Princess Celestia

The Times they are a Changeling

Dear Princess Cadence,

To the Worst Sister-in-Law ever,

So a changeling was seen around the Empire, so fucking what? If you honestly think I truly give a shit you are delusional. The only reason I came up to the Empire is because I wanted to see MY DAUGHTER. The good thing, she was safe. Another good thing, the changeling was nice. The bad thing, you and my brother still don't trust me.

Look, I know things went to Tartarus on The Iron Will Show but hey, you're the one who brought this on yourself. Had you never let me screw you in the caves none of this would have ever happened, right? What I will find hilarious is when my brother gets old and he can't get it up anymore and you wind up having to hoof yourself. I know you'll come begging me for horn sex and I will deny you because I will have Fluttershy, well unless you wanted to join us.

Planning on Laughing When You Can't Get Any,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Just wait until Flurry learns about all the fun we used to have, she'll think her Auntie Twily is really bad ass and think that you are a cheater, likely disown you and want to move down with me so she can learn the art of seduction once she gets old enough. Now that would be sweet wouldn't it?

Dear Twilight,

Ugh, you're going to pin all the blame on me? Look, nopony ever said you had to act on your desires. Yes I wanted it too but if you had an ounce of self-control and gave a shit what ponies thought about you, you wouldn't have seduced me nor would you have caused me to want action from you every single weekend.

Thanks to you though, things are still a little bit tense between Shiny and me, he has not even put out since Flurry was born but don't go getting any ideas. I could see you wanting me to join you and Fluttershy for a night of fun but that ain't happening. Maybe one of your old friends would be interested, that hot blue one in particular.

Never Putting Out for You Again,

Princess Cadence

Dear Thorax,

I wish to apologize to you on behalf of the Crystal Empire. Now that we know you, you seem to be perfectly nice and I'm going to be honest, I don't trust Sunburst as much as many would think. I would love it if you would be our new crystaller. I know you genuinely care about and love the citizens of the Crystal Empire.

Hoping You'll Be Our Crystaller,

Prince Shining Armor

Dear Prince Shining Armor,

Of course I will be your crystaller. I never wanted to say anything but that Sunburst pony seems kind of creepy. The way he plays dress-up and has that thing hanging off his chin makes him look like a pedophile. Don't worry, I'll protect Flurry Heart from him if you want me to.

Your New Crystaller,

Thorax

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe it? Fluttershy let me out of the castle again! Perhaps it was because I would be going to visit my brother and Flurry Heart but hey, as much as I love her, getting away once in a while is nice. Now about the changeling, I was shocked when he wound up being nice and wanted to be friends with everypony. I don't know why but I have a good feeling about that one, I have a feeling that he may wind up changing the course of history for his kind someday.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Oh isn't that so sweet of her? Your master actually let you out of your cage for a while. I am utterly shocked that she would do that and I am even more shocked that you are saying something nice about a creature other than a pony. You know, I may act like I hate all the changelings are horrible but I think that once they are free of Chrysalis's control, they will be very good friends with us. What a shame Thorax wouldn't liberate you from your master, your life would be much better.

Hoping Thorax Will Liberate You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Thorax,

Could you do me a favor and drain the very life out of Sunburst? Let me know and I will mail you a glass jar to store it in along with a postage paid return box so you can send it back to me. Do it and I'll make it worth your while.

Hoping You'll Kill Sunburst,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

I am sorry but I have been hired as the Crystal Empire's new crystaller and I can not use my magic for anything except love and light. I don't trust the idiot and would do it if I didn't have this new responsibility.

The Crystal Empire's New Crystaller,

Thorax

P.S. Didn't you learn your lesson about glass jars in Our Town? You need to invest in shatterproof jars, alright?

Dungeons & Discords

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am going to be honest, I don't know why you would make Fluttershy go away on some friendship trip to Yakyakistan when her number one friend is anywhere he wants to be. Thanks to you and the doormat, I had to spend the night with Big Mac and Spike.....ugh, me hang with third tier characters?

Come to find out, that game of theirs, "Ogres & Oubliettes" is quite fun and it has given me some ideas. In this game, Spike named the land "Spiketopia" which is proof that he is a narcissistic little bastard. The main antagonist is called the Squizard and he has captured a unicorn princess named Shmarity....aka, Rarity.

I am honestly thinking about turning the squizard into a real thing and having it seduce Rarity and crush Spike's already fragile heart. Think I should do it?

Sincerely,

Discord

P.S. After a night of fun and games, I'm good friends with those two and since I've turned the game real, we'll be hanging out a lot more often.

Dear Discord,

Seriously, YOU are into that dumb game now too? Please, I would think that the Lord of Chaos could do better than that. Now what you have told me about Spike and how he has things named, it doesn't surprise me. Chances are though he can't score with his crush in the game either, can he?

Regarding making the squizard real and having it seduce Rarity, do it! I want to receive a letter from Spike crying about how a squid wizard seduced Rarity and forever eradicated any chance he will ever score with her.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

I want to know what the hell is going on. What the fuck was up with your outburst at that adorable little yak with the bow in her hair? I get it, she glared at Fluttershy but still, that is no reason to go off on someyak that adorable. I am going to let you in on something, Prince Rutheford is not thrilled with you right now. Surprisingly it is not because you went off on that young yak, it is because you are nothing short of a doormat now.

You see, we got to talking and he thought that you would still be a strong-willed princess you were when we befriended them but he lost all respect for you when he saw you constantly saying, "I'm sorry." to Fluttershy every time she would hit you when you breathed wrong. I'm thinking next time we all have to go, I'll just replace you with Starlight. She still thinks for herself and despite Trixie being rather demanding, she hasn't let her alter her any. Long story short, I'm not taking you on trips like that anymore.

Severely Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know you are expecting to hear from Twilight but that won't be happening this time. I decided to ground her for going off on that juvenile yak for not speaking our language properly. I told her that if she can't be nice to a yak, that she probably won't be nice to anypony.

Don't you worry though, I whipped her a few times and put her in her place. I know you always hated it when she would be a bitch so I decided she had to be punished. Maybe next time she will be nice unless she wants me to bring out the chains.

Twilight's Owner,

Fluttershy

P.S. If you're taking us all on a trip, Twilight is going. I can not risk her doing something that may be detrimental to the relationship, like leave her castle without my permission, go to Sugarcube Corner and stuff her face with cake or go within 100 feet of the spa alone.

Dear Pink Pony,

Yak wants to know why purple pony yell at little yak and yak wants to know why purple pony is such a doormat and let yellow pony abuse her so much.

Sincerely,

Yak Prince

Dear Prince Rutheford,

Pink pony wants to apologize for purple pony's behavior. Purple pony had a blow up but don't worry, yellow pony punished her for her behavior. It won't happen again.

Sincerely,

Pink Pony

The Fault in Our Cutie Marks

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe that shit, an overly hyper griffon came to us and wanted a cutie mark? What a stupid bitch, does she not know that griffons don't get cutie marks? We have helped many ponies get cutie marks but that is just it, we help ponies. We do not help griffons but since our "sweet little angel" code dictates that we help her, we figured we would help the idiot anyway.

As it turns out, she won't have any problems being employed in one way or another since she can do anything but in one of those "well no shit Sherlock" moments, she didn't get her mark. Yes we acted sad but we were actually happy, hoping that she would fly off, fall prey to some timberwolves or some other shit that would rid her from our lives.

That is when she pulled the dumb shit card, she showed up with a fake ass cutie mark that was obviously painted on. Don't count on her being an actress though because she can't fake things worth shit. Well in the end we decided to make her a Crusader but we didn't do it because we truly wanted to. We did it so this fucking town would throw her a "hey, I got my ass mark" party! Too bad you didn't show up because then you could have feasted on the cake we had and made a bigger embarrassment of yourself than we did of you back in the day. Just imagine the headline, Princess Celestia continued digging a deeper and earlier grave, hooray!

Sincerely,

The Cutie Mark Crusaders

To the Cutie Mark Cult,

Look, I don't care about your tale regarding a griffon wanting a mark, faking getting one, you initiating her into your little club and having that town throw her a party. What upsets me is you bashing me over my love of cake. Remember this you sorry ass cunts, I am IMMORTAL, got it? I will continue to live on long after you three are dead and rotten!

Immortal Unlike You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You're not going to believe this but Fluttershy let me have some visitors! Yep, the CMC came by and told me about that griffon getting a mark and I was ready to do a full-scale research project on the event but then it turns out that griffon was a liar. Oh well, it was nice to have company outside of my friends and maybe something fun will happen again soon.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

I don't know why the fuck I am even bothering glorifying your letter with a response but I will say this, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

Happy I'm Not You,

Princess Celestia

Viva Las Pegasus

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well that map thing wound up sending Applejack and I to Las Pegasus but want to know what bothered me at first? What bothered me was leaving Twilight alone with all those temptations out there. Now I would have talked to Starlight about keeping an eye on her but I'm still pissed over her ditching me for Trixie and even if I did ask her, she'd be so busy screwing Trixie that she would just let Twilight roam free. In the end I got Harry to keep her confined to the castle so she doesn't do things I didn't give her permission to do again.

Things in Las Pegasus went fine for the most part, especially getting to see pink prairie dogs and getting ponies to stop fighting but I was in too big of a hurry to get home to stay too long. Luckily I had Rarity put a horn cap on Twilight before I left because had I not, she might have got by Harry and went off somewhere that she would be exposed to ideas such as free thinking and I certainly couldn't have that now could I? I would not want that map to be responsible for me losing my most prized possession, your little subordinate!

The good news, the horn cap worked! The bad news, Flim and Flam now have their own resort.

Proud to Own Your Subordinate Princess,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

You do know that unless a horn cap is either used by Luna or myself, enchanted horn caps are illegal, right? You know I could punish you if I was to choose to do so but I will not because Twilight has proven that she is not deserving of being free from your control. She has willingly enslaved herself to you so I will let this pass.

What a shame she wasn't like Starlight and never let herself be controlled. If Twilight were even a tenth the pony Starlight is, she would have bolted a long time ago. I suppose I should congratulate you over crushing the free will of who was once a pony who thought for herself but I am too disgusted in her to do so. Maybe she was never that strong to begin with. Anyway, good job finishing that mission. It is good to see that Gladmane idiot fall even if it did result in a couple of minor antagonists running the show now.

Glad You Exposed Gladmane,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Is that map a troll or what? It called Fluttershy and I to Las Pegasus just so we could get Flim and Flam to not only get along, but eventually take over a resort? You have no idea how hard it was for me to not just let them keep on fighting but Fluttershy knew we had a job to do and got me to realize aiding my enemies was the only way to finish it. Oh well, maybe this will keep them from wanting to run the farm out of business or scamming ponies with useless "tonics."

Oh and just so you know, Fluttershy was bragging about having Rarity put an enchanted horn cap on Twilight. I just thought you should know about that.

Your Humble Subject,

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

I know it was hard for you to help Flim and Flam but look at it this way. You saved two friendships on the same mission and brought down a wannabe Elvis con-pony! That should at least make you feel a little happy but I know you'll always hate those two so I can sort of understand where you are coming from.

Regarding Twilight and the horn cap, I already know about it but I honestly don't care. Twilight is voluntarily putting herself through all this misery.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are not going to believe this but while Fluttershy was gone, she had Rarity put a horn cap on me and had her pet bear make sure I didn't leave the castle. Does she not trust me? Does she not think I love her and won't do anything to keep her. I am truly hurt and hope she will trust me more. What can I do to stop her from being so controlling?

Feeling Controlled,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

What can you do to stop her from being so controlling? If you want your freedom just fucking dump the bitch. I know you love her and are willing to tolerate this but deep down I know you want your freedom, I know you want to be free like you used to be. I am clinging to a tiny bit of hope that you'll finally see the light and realize that she is nothing more than a controlling bitch, I'm not going to count on it. Enjoy being her slave for the next three millennia Twily!

Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

Every Little Thing She Does

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have some great news, I totally kicked Twilight's ass in a magic competition! Yeah she is good but she isn't good enough to combine a Similo Duplexis spell with Accelero in just the right way to be in two places at once. I tell you, crushing who was your superstar protege in magic competitions is always the best! Now I know you'll probably claim she is weakened by her oppressor but magic, unless one suffers a severe brain trauma or a horn injury, is something one does not forget!

Anyway, while you gave Twilight a brief moment of freedom from her oppressor, I decided to tackle five friendship lessons at once. Thanks to my combining Fiducia Compelus with Cogeria and Persuadere I was able to get them to do my bidding. Now yeah it didn't work out quite how I had hoped and in the end Twilight had to undo my spell to fix everypony.

Now that is where Twilight made her mistake. Had she not undone the spell on Fluttershy, she could have been free. I know she secretly wants freedom because she has discussed it with me at night when Fluttershy is in her cottage. I am trying but I don't think I will be able to free her, Fluttershy simply has her too henpecked and brainwashed for her to take my advice. Now yeah I could steal Fluttershy's mark and free Twilight but I really don't want to fall back into my old ways.

I did learn a friendship lesson though, don't cast spells on my friends!

Always Using Magic to Solve My Problems,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

You know something? I really wish that you would have been sent up to Canterlot as a filly because you would have made a truly great protege. Unlike Twilight, I know you would have focused on your studies even more, you would have made REAL friends, you could have surpassed Starswirl's abilities in just a few years and you would be ruling up here with Luna and I, not being a subordinate down in a run down dump.

Now I am impressed with your magical abilities but I would have thought you would know by now that you can't use magic to solve all your problems or to finish friendship lessons. I know you tried but here is your problem, you are too much like ~~your mother~~ me. I tried doing the same when I was a filly and it always blew up in my face too but don't worry, I know you'll learn someday that magic ain't the answer for everything!

Oh and I am glad that you are trying to save Twilight but chances are you're right, you'd have to remove Fluttershy's mark to shatter the hold she has on Twilight but I commend you on your decision to not take her mark. It shows how truly far you have come as a pony and I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I have a nice set of light pink wings up here and if God-Emperor Goldner ever approves it, I will ascend you.

Hoping I Can Ascend You Someday,

Princess Celestia

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Here is a friendship lesson for you, DON'T CAST SPELLS ON YOUR FRIENDS!

Sincerely,

Your Friends

To My Friends,

I am sorry that I cast spells on you. I am great with magic but I still have a lot to learn about friendship. I do hope that you can forgive me someday.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Starlight Glimmer,

Is what I have heard true? Have you been talking to Twilight and trying to get her to leave me because I'm "too controlling?" If that is the case, then I will send Discord to troll you mercilessly, troll you to your breaking point. So if you know what is good for you, you will stop poisoning her mind with this "be your own pony" bullshit. Thanks to Trixie and your strong will I was never able to control you but I'll be damned if I let you free Twilight from my control.

I know Celestia is putting you up to this but it won't work. Twilight will ALWAYS belong to me.

Twilight's Owner,

Fluttershy

To Flutterbitch,

Look, Twilight is my friend and I am not trying to steal her away from you because I have Trixie. What I am doing is trying to get her to see that she shouldn't allow herself to be controlled. I am going to say one thing, with as overblown as your ego is, you'll probably do something in the future to fuck everything up and lose her and when that happens, I will celebrate.

Knowing You're a Bitch,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am going to admit, being away from Fluttershy for a while was nice. It was like a breath of fresh air but before too long I missed my sweetie and I cut my visit short. It is a good thing I did too because Starlight cast a powerful spell on our friends and it was incredibly difficult to remove. While I was trying to undo it, Fluttershy called me a horrible name but once I got her cleansed of that magic, she forgave me and I spent the night with her. I really hope Starlight doesn't do this again because I don't want to lose Fluttershy because of reckless magic.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Ugh, gag me! Here you go with all this lovey-dovey overly sweet bullshit again. Look, Starlight is simply looking out for you and I do hope that one day you will take her advice and ditch Fluttershy. She has ruined you and you know what, I miss the old Twilight, I miss the Twilight that would bitch about everything and most importantly, I miss the Twilight that I raised. I raised you to be a bitch, not a mind-controlled doormat.

Hoping You'll Listen to Starlight,

Princess Celestia

P.P.O.V. (Pony Point of View)

Dear Princess Celestia,

We just thought that we would let you know that the boat trip that Fluttershy's doormat had us go on was a complete disaster. The boat sank but once Twilight got us to realize that some sea monster knocked over the boat, everything is as good as new.

Sincerely,

Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie

Dear Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie,

Guess what, I don't give a shit. I have a much bigger issue on my hooves, a freshly baked cake to eat so go bug somepony else. I know you three and Starlight are friends now so go tell her about it because I don't care.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You're not going to believe it but my flight school reunion was totally kick ass! At first it started out shitty but then once those bastard bullies discovered that I own Twilight they began to congratulate me and tell me how wonderful I am. They never once imagined that a shy, timid little filly could turn into the master of a princess!

Want to know what would impress them even more? They said that they would think it would be sweet if I could bag a second princess! Now for a big question, would you be my marefriend?"

Hoping to Bag You Too,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

For starters, I don't give a shit about your flight school reunion and to answer your question, FUCK NO! I will not be your marefriend, ever. Twilight may be a doormat but if you even tried that controlling shit with me I'd impale you on my horn for all to see.

Sincerely,

Princess "Controlled by Nopony" Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You're not going to believe this but Fluttershy went to her Cloudsdale school reunion and she didn't bother to put a horn cap on me and since I had a dentist appointment up in Canterlot, she gave me permission to leave the castle! Now I'm going to admit something and I hope you don't share it with Fluttershy.

I was a good patient today although that might be because my eyes were glued on Colgate's sexy flank and I think she knew I was staring because she gave me a smile the whole time. Also, I think she may have wanted some Sparkle because not only did she swat my flank, but she pulled me into a deep kiss and wouldn't let me go for a while. Yeah I eventually had to break it so I could get home in time to greet Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie at the train station to hear their report on their boat trip but still, I did enjoy my trip.

Regarding the boat trip, it was a disaster and I had to finally prove to them that none of them were responsible for sinking the boat just so they would talk to one another again.

Had A Good Time With the Dentist,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Please, please don't share any of this with Fluttershy. If she finds out Colgate kissed me not only will she punish me but she'll probably go and do something to her too.

Dear Princess Twilight,

I really don't give a shit about the whole boat trip but I must say that I am surprised and impressed. I'm surprised that Fluttershy actually let you come up to see the dentist alone, especially given who it is. Perhaps she is starting to trust you more or Crash wound up dragging her up there before she could do anything to make sure you didn't do anything she wouldn't approve of.

Now I am impressed that you would allow Colgate to swat your flank and kiss you the way she did. Maybe, just maybe you aren't as much of a lost cause as I thought you were. What a shame Fluttershy didn't go on a trip much further away, like the moon because then Colgate could have grabbed her friends, drug all of you up to her old study tower and had their way with you.

I can sense it Twilight. I know come next week you'll be all sappy and shit over Fluttershy again but I know that deep down, you want your freedom. I know you miss things like horn sex, things that only another unicorn or Alicorn can give you. I have some advice for you, just dump Fluttershy and you and Colgate can do a whole lot more than simply kiss. I know you're missing those horns so bad you can hardly stand it!

Hoping You'll Dump Fluttershy,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. Regarding Fluttershy doing something to Colgate, that won't happen. Colgate could tear Fluttershy several new holes without even blinking.

Dear Twilight,

I have some serious advice for you, DUMP FLUTTERSHY. For Celestia's sake, I thought you'd be able to tell how horny I was today. Hell I would have even closed up shop and we could have had a solo session. I may not want to commit to anypony but I can sense it Twily, you miss the horn sex. Dump Fluttershy and I'll give it to you. Hell, I would even let you dominate me as a reward for casting aside your master.

Wanting to Give You Horn Sex,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Colgate,

You aren't the only one who has advised me to do that. Princess Celestia and my star student have done the same. While horn sex is nice, Fluttershy wants commitment and I know she truly loves me. I don't think you and the rest of my old friends understand how important commitment is to me....hell I doubt the four of you even know what the hell it is.

Wanting to Commit to Fluttershy,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Colgate,

I know Twilight had an appointment with you today and I am going to tell you this just once, if you did a single thing to her, I will come up and make you wish you were never born. Also, if you did something and she consented, both of you will wish you were never born.

Now you better tell me what happened or you won't like the results.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Fluttershy,

Bring it bitch. If you come up here and so much as even look at me wrong, I'll rip you so many new assholes you won't know which one to shit out of, capiche?

Sincerely,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Top Bolt

Dear Princess Celestia,

You're not going to believe this but Fluttershy gave me permission to leave the castle again! Yeah she and Rainbow were talking before we had to leave and I know she is going to make sure to keep an eye on me. Anyway, I will admit that it was nice to get away, again.

Now regarding the map calling us to Wonderbolt HQ, we had to fix the friendship between two ponies who were trying to get into Spitfire's coat, I mean the Wonderbolt Academy. Thing is, this mare named Vapor Trail was a kick ass flyer and this friend of hers, this crybaby named Sky Stinger, couldn't fly worth shit without her help.

Now here is the thing about Sky Stinger, he was an arrogant asshole and still though, he was an arrogant asshole even after we proved to him that he stunk up the skies. Once he figured that out, he gave Vapor credit where credit was due and finally decided to practice. In the end they both made it into the academy so all is good.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Please don't tell Fluttershy but there was this little hottie up there named Angel Wings. Like Flitter, she had a bow in her mane and she had the sweetest voice. If I weren't taken, I would initiate her in a heartbeat. Again, please don't tell Fluttershy, I don't want her to punish me.

Dear Twilight,

Ok, I am happy you completed that map mission but let me say this, you miss your freedom don't you? First there was your appointment with Minuette and now here you are wanting to initiate some random mare that you don't even know. That's my filly! Now all you have to do is dump Fluttershy and Angel Wings can be all yours!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.

Dear Teach,

You saw how great I was. You can all claim that it was me practicing that made me great but trust me, I was only faking being bad so Vapor Trail might actually feel significant for a change. Just wait, when I finally become a Wonderbolt I will ascend to captain before you and I'll laugh in your face non-stop.

Sincerely,

Sky Stinger

Dear Sky Stinger,

Don't feed me that bullshit newbie! I know you are a sub-par flyer. Yeah you may have done good in your final evaluation but I know that you don't have what it takes to even be in the reserves, much less being an actual Wonderbolt.

Much Better Than You,

Rainbow Dash

To Where and Back Again

Dear Princess Luna,

I want to thank you for saving me from my nightmares. I will admit, I was scared to go back to my old village but in the end everything turned out to be good, especially once I assisted in saving you and everypony else important.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

You're welcome and I suppose I should thank you for saving all of us. What a shame that you couldn't have reformed Chrysalis. Well you'll do something special someday and my sister will attach those wings she has stored in Canterlot Tower.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am normally not like this but I have to say something, I saved you, your sister and everypony else who had been taken. Now if that is not worth you attaching those wings onto me and casting that longevity spell on me I don't know what is. Oh and if you do decide to do that, do you think you could do the same for Trixie because I certainly wouldn't want to be parted from my sweetie. Just imagine, Princess Starlight and Princess Trixie would sound pretty awesome, wouldn't it?

Oh and just so we would have somewhere kick ass to live, you could force Twilight to move in with her oppressor and give the two of us that castle. Don't worry, I would torture criminals, dissidents and undesirables much more brutally than even pre-doormat Twilight would. Want to know what would make me even better than Twilight? I wouldn't be one to go bitching about everything. Hell even if Trixie and I could get married I would be happy because I love her oh so very much.

Glad to Have Saved Everypony,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Please remember that you weren't the only pony to have saved all of us. Your sweetie, Discord and the new king of the changelings, Thorax, were responsible as well. There is no way in hell you could have done it on your own. Hell I'm surprised that when you saw your little marefriend up in a cocoon, you didn't break down, bawl your eyes out and be put in ooze yourself.

Now regarding your other requests. Look, I would make both you and Trixie princesses, give you a royal wedding and make Twilight move in with her oppressor but one thing is stopping me. You see, God-Emperor Goldner will not let me. I actually contacted him about giving you two a lavish wedding but he said that throwing a lesbian couple into My Little Pony would hurt Hasbro's profits and he wouldn't be able to buy a new yacht. Sorry but you two being a couple will have to stay in the realm of fan fiction.

Oh and could you please not get all lovey-dovey over Trixie in your letters to me? I get it, you love her and your life would be nothing without her but please, sappy, sweet moments like that repulse me. Let me warn you, if you ever get so sappy that you wind up making me lose my appetite and I miss my cake, I'll take that little sweetie of yours away, got it?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To Starbitch,

Just you wait you little wretch, my revenge will be brutal and you will wish the hell that you had never been born. Hell maybe I should kidnap you and Trixie and kill her right in front of you. I know that would crush your fragile, pathetic, love infested heart.

Ready to Exact Revenge,

Queen Chrysalis

To a Queen Without a Kingdom,

You're joking, right? You should know well enough that a loser like you isn't going to win, ever. Seriously, your pathetic ass was defeated by love energy on two separate occasions! You truly are pathetic that all it takes to defeat you is love. At least it took freaky powerful magic to defeat Tirek. Just do me a favor, cower down before me, beg me to spare your pathetic life and fucking transform like your former hive did.

So Much Better than You,

Starlight Glimmer

To Chrysalis,

You truly are pathetic, you lost to love energy, TWICE! Also, who would have imagined that I would be the one to lead the hive now that we aren't vicious little assholes seeking conquest. Don't worry though, I am making plans on how to transform this place and if you are accompanied by Starlight and have a horn cap on, you can come air your grievances in this feelings forum I'm setting up.

King of the Changelings,

Thorax

To Thorax,

Not just no but hell no. I'm not about to come take part in some feelings forum that reeks of weakness. Hell I'm betting you'll make the whole hive gayer than a three bit coin. Oh well, when creatures come and eat all of you for being weak, I will return with a new swarm and retake the changeling kingdom as my own.

Still Your Queen,

Queen Chrysalis

Dear Trixie,

You see that cave up on the hillside? That is where I used to have fun stealing cutie marks and locking them away. What do you say we go up there and have some fun of our own, much more productive fun?

Loving You,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Let's go sexy girl! Now remember this, you may have been the leader on our mission but nopony will have power over The Great and Powerful Trixie in the bedroom, or in this case, in the cave.

Loving You More,

Trixie Lulamoon

Dear Princess Twilight,

Remember when I said that you weren't all that popular anymore and that someday Starlight Glimmer would have to wind up coming in and having to save your flank? Well that time has come and I am happy it happened. Now I want you to look at things this way, if you are excluded Starlight won't either have to save you nor can she outshine you like she always does. Don't worry though, I'll make sure that she outshines you all the time now, and I plan on having Trixie surpass you someday too!

Sincerely,

Brian Goldner....CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

P.S. You really need to dump Fluttershy. I know others have likely told you this, including your star student, but just dump Fluttershy alright? I can sense it in you, I know you want your freedom. Also, I have been in touch with your old friends and they have said they will give you an "epic celebration" if you dump her. If what I understand is true, you used to like spending time with them, time that Fluttershy will not allow. Just imagine, if you free yourself up, you can visit them again.

Dear Brian Goldner,

Oh yes, way to rub it in. Celestia does it constantly, Trixie does it even more, Luna mocks me in my dreams and even Rainbow Dash has boasted about Starlight! Let me make myself clear, Trixie will never be better than me at magic, NEVER! I suppose you are right about Starlight outshining me but still, there was a time when I was the star of the show! Those days need to come back because the show was doing better. Now I better get better treatment in season seven or else.

Upset that Starlight Outshines Me,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Ugh, you too? Look, you have no idea how many ponies are telling me to dump Fluttershy but I never thought you would. What upsets me more is that you have been in touch with my old friends. Hell, if something happens to cause Fluttershy and I to break up, they'll likely abduct me and force themselves on me. If that happens, I will know YOU were behind it.

Celestial Advice

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today was sweet! We never imagined that us along with our friends would get medals of courage awards. They look really good on us and just think, now we can be twins when we go out to the cafe. Everypony can sit there and think, "There is that loving couple that assisted in saving Equestria! Wouldn't it be wonderful if the big brass at Hasbro would let them get married?"

Want to know what is better, while Fluttershy's doormat did get herself a pair of wings and a castle, she still doesn't have a medal like we do nor does she have somepony who cares about her. All she has is a controlling bitch who only pretends to care about her. Face it, all Fluttershy cares about is the satisfaction of controlling a princess.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer and Trixie Lulamoon

Dear Starlight and Trixie,

I'm going to admit, I never thought you two would ever do something to earn such a rarely handed out award but you did. Now I hate to tell you this but I highly doubt God-Emperor Goldner will have the writers ever let you get married. I would love that and with that I would give both of you wings, immortality and make you royalty but I simply don't see it happening.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Starlight, don't lose hope about those wings though. I have a pair that matches your coat perfectly locked up in Canterlot Tower and once Goldner gives me the green light, I will ascend you.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I would like to thank you for the award. I am glad that I was able to aid in saving everypony. Now I don't know if you know this or not but I know a spell that will turn Twilight's castle into cake and I was thinking about trying it out sometime. Want to join me when I do this?

Ready to Turn Twilight's Castle into Cake,

Discord

Dear Discord,

Sweet! Let's go take care of that right away. I know Twilight and Starlight will suddenly be homeless but oh well. Starlight can move into Trixie's trailer and Twilight can move in with her owner.

Wanting You to Turn Twilight's Castle into Cake,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thanks to Starlight and her friends, the changelings are finally free from Chrysalis's rule. Now I would go and thank the others as well but Starlight and Trixie have gone missing and Discord was talking about fixing you an extra large cake. Anyway, this was the greatest moment in the history of changeling kind.

Sincerely,

Thorax, King of the Changelings

Dear Thorax,

I am very happy to see that your kind is free, no longer wants to feast on love and most importantly, will not want to put me in a cocoon. Let me make myself clear though, if even one of you decides to go stealing love from anypony, I will hold you responsible and will torture you, got it?

Still Distrusting You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am so happy that Fluttershy let me hold this celebration for Equestria's newest heroes. When I heard you wanted me to host it, I was afraid that my sweetie wouldn't let me host it. I guess once she found out that a good part of the town, some of the ponies from Starlight's old village and a bunch of changelings would be present, she decided to let me do it.

I however am not happy that you would have the audacity to laugh at me! Those situations were actually legitimate things that could happen. Ok, I know I should have suggested Trixie's trailer too because nothing could go wrong there, right?

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Oh good grief, here you are an Alicorn princess yet you are worrying whether or not a pegasus will give you permission to hold festivals in your own castle? I'm going to be honest, had Discord not been one of the recipients, I know she likely would have said no and tortured you for even thinking about doing this.

Oh and just so you know, I laugh about a lot more than your epic freakouts. I also laugh about how you let a pegasus control you and I got a good laugh when I learned that Minuette kissed you and swatted your flank. Just you wait Twily, a day will come when you will regret hooking up with Fluttershy and you will wish you just had your friends with benefits up in Canterlot. After all, why go with a pegasus when you could have multiple unicorns as "friends." At least they can give you real pleasure.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

All Bottled Up

Dear Princess Celestia,

This had to be one of the funnest days that Trixie and I have had in our relationship so far. We studied magic in more way than one. Trixie learned a transfiguration spell and she managed to teleport Twilight's friendship map off somewhere and it took us quite a while to find. Also, I used a spell that kept me from possibly destroying my relationship with Trixie, I used one to store my anger in a glass jar.

Unfortunately, thanks to Trixie and her curiosity, the jar broke and my anger infected three other ponies and scared Trixie half to death. In the end though, I took my anger back, we found the map and got it put back in place before Twilight could find out about it. I do hope that Trixie and I can have more days like this, minus the chaos though.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. Oh and one other fun thing happened. We made Spike leave for a while and Trixie and I went up to Twilight's bedroom and had some fun. Remember how we stained the sheets at that country inn? Well Twilight's are far, far, far worse! Oh well, if she says anything about it I will just blame her and Fluttershy for it. She is so lost in her that she won't think any different.

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Well it sounds like you had quite fun day but seriously, you and Trixie had fun in Twilight's bedroom? That is going to be pretty fun for you to explain away. Yeah lying to Twilight will be easy but lying to Fluttershy probably won't be so easy. I am quite certain that she keeps track of how big of a mess they make and she also probably keeps tabs on Twilight and how much she hoofs herself. Fortunately for Twilight, Fluttershy doesn't know that she probably calls out Twinkleshine's name when she does it.

Oh and I have some advice, you may want to invest in shatterproof jars. I would have thought the incident out in your old village would have taught you that.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Don't count on hearing from Twilight this time. On the train ride to Manehattan, one of Twilight's old friends was in the same car as us and she said hello to her. Because of that, I tortured her a bit and I have grounded her. Hell I even refused to put out for a couple nights just to show her what would happen if she continued to speak to ponies I have not gave her permission to. Damn it feels great to own a pony who once wanted to basically rape me. How does it feel knowing that an ordinary pegasus OWNS the pony you ascended to being an Alicorn. It must really suck, huh?

Twilight's Master,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

I am not thrilled with you right now. The very fact that you treat Twilight the way you do is appalling. Now normally I would punish a pony for behaving the way you do but since Twilight is voluntarily allowing herself to be controlled and abused like this, I'll just look the other way and chow down on some cake.

I do have a warning for you though, there are some things that even I would have to put my hoof down on. I'm not going to reveal them but trust me, if one of those things ever happen, I will turn a sadistic blue unicorn loose on you, one you certainly wouldn't want to join in the bedroom.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Rock Solid Friendship

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi. Well I had to pick between Ghastly Gorge and Ponyville to live now that I have my rocktorate. I chose Ponyville because I am friends with Starlight Glimmer now. Bye.

Maud Pie

Dear Maud,

Hi. Guess what, I don't care. Bye.

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that I shouldn't have tried to force Maud to make friends the way I would. I learned that we all make friends differently and not everypony talks about feelings or smiles all the time. Luckily my sister Maud and Starlight are friends now so my big sister best friend forever will be staying in Ponyville! Woo-hoo!

Glad Maud Stayed in Ponyville,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

That is nice and all but I thought even you would know that not everypony befriends others the same way that you do. I have been wanting to say this for years but I'm finally going to. You, Pinkie Pie, are annoying, obnoxious and act like an irrational mare-foal 90% of the time. Just think, if you were to put your time into something productive like turning into Pinkamena and torturing law breakers since Twilight is too much of a doormat to do so anymore, ponies may respect you more.

In the future though, I would advise you just let your sister and Starlight interact the way they want to. They aren't into discussing feelings and they sure the hell don't need you interfering in their friendship.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I was excluded again but I don't mind because it gave Fluttershy and I time to bond more. Today we just laid in bed, held one another close and told one another how much we loved one another. If this is what being excluded is about, I could put up with it quite a bit more. Anyway, I would write more but Fluttershy is giving me a seductive look inviting me to join her in bed.

Loving Fluttershy,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Doormat,

The only reason I'm replying to this sorry excuse of a letter is so I can say this, YOU ARE PATHETIC, COMPLETELY PATHETIC. Now I must cut this short because I have cake to eat before your sweet words make me lose my appetite.

Always Superior to You,

Princess Celestia

Fluttershy Leans In

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thanks to Big Daddy McColt my friends and I were able to get the animal sanctuary built and now Dr. Fauna's office won't be crowded with animals anymore. I am happy but there is something that I have done that is bad, very bad and I am really scared to tell Twilight. I am really afraid because I know how she used to be, I know how volatile her temper used to be and I'm afraid that she may do something awful to me in a rage.

I know honesty is the best policy but I am so scared right now and I can't even bring myself to look her in the eye. I have been avoiding her since what I did was discovered and she thought I was mad at her so she brought me a bouquet of red roses. I know I should have communicated with her more when she did but I couldn't even look her in the eyes I'm so scared.

Could you please give me some advice on what to do? I know if I tell her it will break her heart and then likely enrage her but I figure that your advice would be the best.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Fluttershy,

I want to know something, what was it that you did that you are thinking that will break Twilight's heart and then enrage her? Whatever the hell it is, I know it was likely bad, very bad. I have a feeling that it will be something that could very well destroy your relationship and perhaps even your friendship.

If what I am suspecting did happen, don't expect any sympathy from me when Twilight goes into a rage and does Faust knows what to you. If it is what I think and she tortures you or harms you in one way or another, I will be happy. She has finally became happy and her bitching is at a minimum yet you do something bad to her and if my gut feelings are right, you betrayed her.

Well I will hope for the best but expect the worst. Now I would advise you tell her sooner rather than later to not only keep yourself from continuing to be stressed but also to be fair to Twilight.

Expecting the Worst,

Princess Celestia

Dear Fluttershy,

You know something, I am so glad that your marefriend is a complete doormat who would never even suspect that anything would be going on between us. I find it hilarious that you can keep her confined to her castle but then have the ability to roam free and do whatever you damn well please. I do hope that you will continue to lead the doormat princess on for a while longer and then you can crush her fragile, pathetic heart when we decide to become exclusive.

Wanting to Marry You (Eventually),

Dr. Fauna

P.S. Look, you still owe me twenty bits over me wrapping that asshole rabbit's hoof. Now normally I would turn such a non-paying bum over to collections but with you, I think ramming my hoof up in you extra hard will suffice.

Dr. Fauna,

I don't know how much longer I can continue to lead Twilight on because one night when we were getting it on, somepony decided to be a peeping tom and looked in the window when I was giving it to you rough. Now I am scared but mad at the same time. I am scared because I am afraid that the old Twilight will return and I will be tortured and I am mad because you were too lost in me to bother closing the fucking curtain! Chances are I won't be able to lead Twilight on much longer so you may get me all to yourself sooner than you think.

Upset We Got Caught in the Act,

Fluttershy

Dear Twilight,

There is something I must let you know and I am terrified to do so. I got some advice from Princess Celestia and she told me to be honest with you so here I go.

Ever since I have been making plans for the animal sanctuary and helping Dr. Fauna with the animals, her and I have been intimate on a nightly basis. I know what I have been doing is wrong but the fact that we both love animals just kind of caused it to happen. I know you are likely going to be mad at me and if you want to break off the relationship I completely understand but I do hope that we can still be friends.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Fluttershy,

You've been doing what? You've been being intimate with the vet? What I want to know is how could you do this to me? I gave you my heart, I gave you my love and I was hoping someday we could be married and spend many millennia together but you go out with the vet and basically forget I exist. You know what, this relationship is over and this is proof that you are nothing more than a miserable, pathetic bitch. Hell you probably only pretended to like me so that I would not be forcefully initiating you. Now do me a favor and leave me the hell alone, you are no longer worthy of being in my presence.

Angry and Hurt,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Special: Fluttershy Leans In Fallout

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am fucking pissed and horribly hurt. I don't think I have felt more horrible in my life than I do right now. I just received a letter from Fluttershy telling me how she has been screwing the vet every single night ever since they started making plans for that fucking animal sanctuary. How the hell could she do this to me? I gave her my love, I gave her my heart and I even wanted to marry her and hope we could spend many, many millennia together. Hell I was even going to beg you to make the two of us immortal so we would have an eternity together but not anymore.

You know what, fuck this shit. Love and romance are nothing more than a crock of shit and commitment is nothing more than a government run scam to tie ponies down to one another. Right now, I want none of it and I mean none of it. I don't want to be tied down, I am shutting off my heart forever and I don't even feel like being intimate with anypony anymore. Unless it is a friendly hug from one of my friends, I don't even feel like being touched by anypony.

This is one of those moments where I truly wish you wouldn't have cast that longevity spell on Fluttershy. I don't know if I can stand to be around her for 3,000 years because all I will ever be able to think of when I see that little whore is what she did to me and as far as that vet goes, it is all I can do right now to not go out, abduct her and then torture her to death. I know seeing her will do nothing more than bring about a rage within me, a painful rage.

I know you'll likely say no but could I come up to Canterlot for a couple of days and visit you? I know we have had bad times, very bad times but I just need some motherly advice, motherly advice like you gave me when I was a filly since you are the one who basically raised me.

Devastated, Angry and In Need of Advice,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

She did what? You have given her so much and she cheats on you? What a fucking little whore. Yes you have been a bitch for a good part of your life but even I wouldn't wish such heartache on you. Right now I feel truly bad for you and if you didn't have that fancy castle, had a student who is extremely successful and had four other great friends, I would have allowed you to come home. Hell I would have even given you a throne here in the throne room but I know you are strong and like she has on other occasions, I know Starlight will help guide you through these rough times.

Now I don't blame you for not wanting to have to even see her right now or anytime soon for that matter because if I were in your situation, I would be in the same mindset. Now when it comes to you not thinking you will be able to handle 3,000 years of her, don't worry about it because if she is outside, I can reverse that spell from my balcony. Don't worry Twilight, I will not allow her to hurt you like this anymore.

Regarding you coming up for advice for a couple of days, I think it would be best if you did. I see this going on and I can't help but have fond memories of before you matured and you and I had what amounted to a mother/daughter relationship. Yes you are fully grown and have long ago fulfilled your destiny but I would like for us to grow close again, like we should have been all along.

Looking Forward to Repairing Our Relationship,

Princess Celestia

Dear Fluttershy,

You little bitch, you dirty little bitch. Twilight wrote to me and it looks like my suspicions were correct. She gave you so much and hell she even gave up the spa twins for you yet you pull this shit. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you haven't been screwing that vet for quite some time and doing a damn good job of hiding it from the one you claim to love.

You sicken me Fluttershy, you truly sicken me and since your relationship with her is no more, I am reversing that longevity spell I cast on you. You don't deserve to hang around for 3,000 years and make Twilight miserable and be nothing more than a reminder of this moment in her life, you don't deserve to be a constant reminder of how infidelity crushed her sweet, loving heart.

Disgusted by You,

Princess Celestia

To Bitchlestia,

Oh so now all of a sudden because Twilight got her heart broken you are going to care about her again? Does seeing her heart being broke actually prove you have one? This right here is proof that you are nothing short of a hypocrite. For so long you have been one of the worst bitches of all time towards her and now it seems like you want to protect her like she's your fucking little precious daughter.

You know what, fuck this shit. Go ahead and remove the longevity spell and while you're at it, take Twilight home. Yes she is friends with my other friends but we lived perfectly fine without her before and we can do just fine without her now. Oh and while you're at it, could you take Starlight and Trixie off our hooves too? I'm still pissed that Starlight left me for her and basically proved to be just as disloyal as everypony else.

Here's an idea, promote that white unicorn with the pink mane and tail to being a princess and send her down here. I know that she wouldn't mind it if I had both her and Dr. Fauna as "friends." Just consider what I suggested because I do think Twinkleshine is hot and seeing her all the time would be much better than having to put up with a pony who will likely start bitching all the damn time again.

Hoping You'll Send Me Twinkleshine,

Fluttershy

Forever Filly

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that my little sister is an ungrateful bitch. I took time out of my busy schedule to go visit Sweetie Belle and she basically treats me like shit. She acted like it would be the end of the world if she didn't help this filly re-connect with her cutie mark. Now if her and her friends got paid to assist ponies like that I could understand but like the idiots they are, they do it for free like it is nothing more than a fucking hobby.

I know those three are still fillies but once they get old enough I'm going to have to teach them how to operate a business if they are ever going to make something out of themselves with this ridiculous shit they do. Oh well, I suppose they could still be blank flanks and be printing my diary for all to see or be mixing up love poisons and trying to destroy the town so I guess it isn't 100% bad.

Angry With My Sister,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Ok, I get it, your little sister is still being a bitch. She has lived with you for years and I would think that you could have raised her better since your parents didn't want to put up with her shit anymore. Technically, a lot of this is your fault because you taught her to be generous and give out her special skill for free. You should have taught her from the day your folks dumped her on you that nothing is free. You should have taught her all the ins and outs of being a businesspony because those fillies could be making money like there is no tomorrow and the best thing, paying me taxes!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rarity,

Look, I can't just drop everything to hang out with your diamond covered ass, ok? I have responsibilities now and I sure the hell didn't appreciate you treating me like I'm a fucking filly. Seriously, a stupid puppet show, useless balloons, tiny scoops of ice cream and ridiculous pictures? I've grown up and I demand to be treated as such. If you want to hang around me form now on you will treat me like the grown up pony I am....and could you please not embarrass me in front of my friends or my clients?

Mad You Disrespected Me,

Sweetie Belle

To an Unappreciative Bitch Sister,

Let me start out by saying that the "responsibilities" you talk about are nothing more than a shitty hobby of yours. If you want me to take this cutie mark "responsibility" shit of yours seriously, you will get a business license and start charging for your services. That right there is proof that you aren't so grown up after all, you lack the brains to charge for services that only you can provide.

Look at me, I don't have three boutiques across Equestria because I gave away my services, I charged ponies for my creations. As soon as I began making dresses, I immediately starting charging for the products I created and that is what has caused me to be the successful pony I am today. Just watch, you'll probably still be a little parasite giving your services away and be mooching off of me in thirty years.

Oh and another thing, you still go to Cheerilee's school so no you are not a full grown pony nor are you the size of a full grown pony. If you were fully grown, you would have graduated and stood at roughly the same height as me. Sorry Sweetie but you're still just a filly.

Your Successful Older Sister,

Rarity

Dear Princess Celestia,

Here they are doing it again. Those fucking writers exclude me again. I swear, Goldner needs to do something about this because who the hell wants to watch Rarity and the little hellions when they can watch me instead? Had I been thinking I would have went up there and joined you for some cake but I do have some good news!

I decided the time had come to unleash my wrath for all the shit I have had to go through. You know that vet that Fluttershy had been screwing? Well I caught her and Flutterslut in the act and abducted both of them! Yep I abducted both of them, hauled them down to my dungeon and brutally tortured that vet and made Fluttershy watch.

To make things even sweeter, I abducted that druggie and tortured her too because I found drugs on her again. I swear, watching Fluttershy cry as I punished those that she cares the most about was so fucking liberating! Finally I feel like my own pony again and trust me, if anypony ever crosses my path again they will suffer dearly.

Back to My Old Self,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

For starters, I'm going to tell you what I used to tell you, you simply aren't that popular and that is why you were excluded and you can bitch to God-Emperor Goldner all you want but it won't do any good. Remember Twilight, this ain't the Twilight Sparkle show.

I am however happy to see you back to your old self. I suppose those few days you spent up here with me were worth it. Believe it or not but I'm happy to hear you bitching again and I'm glad that you are no longer a damn doormat because you being reduced to one made ME look bad.

Now learning that you unleashed your wrath upon those that wronged you really makes my day. I am ecstatic to see that you are releasing all that pent up anger in a productive way. Now feel free to keep it up, especially with that junkie. Now I am disappointed that you never got her to admit where those drugs came from. This time though, could you please force her to confess? Even if you have to break all four of her legs, make her confess! I need to know who to punish and I need to know if we need to close our ports. Like I said last time, we don't need that shit in our superior country.

I do want to apologize for bitching about your bitching and complaining all the time though. I should have expected it since I raised you to be a hell of a lot like me. Now I know those other four and that star student of yours are friends, but don't be all sappy when writing to me about them, ok? I didn't raise you to be like that and it is unbecoming of a mare that I raised like she was my own daughter.

Feeling Like A Proud Mother,

Princess Celestia

Parental Glideance

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe it, I was finally able to meet Rainbow's parents and they are so nice. Even though Rainbow was a bitch there for a while they STILL supported her. Why couldn't my parents be like them? To be honest, I wish they would adopt me and support me in everything I do. Even if I am never able to fly, I know they'd love me and support me because they are truly caring parents.

Sincerely,

Scootaloo

Dear Scootaloo,

Either you wrote this to troll me or you don't realize that I wouldn't give a shit. Guess what, I don't give a shit. Ok so your parents are horrible and you are a latchkey filly but hey, you do have good friends and I'm sure somepony must be looking out for you. Hey it could be worse, I could have forced you to move in with Twilight when you poisoned Big Mac and Cheerilee. So a little word of advice, don't go wishing for things that will never happen.

Not Caring About You AT ALL,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Damn that Scootaloo anyway. I hate to say this but she had to be a little bitch and tell my annoying, overly supportive parents that I am a Wonderbolt. Seriously, they show up, embarrass me over how great I am and then say I'm the best towel hanger of all time.

Seriously, how the fuck can you even compare who is the best at hanging a fucking towel. Scootaloo better be happy that she helped me see the light or she wouldn't have had anypony outside of those troublemaker friends of her who gives a shit about her.

Mad at Scootaloo,

Rainbow "The Best Wonderbolt Ever" Dash

Dear Rainbow,

Alright bitch, I am not thrilled that you are so upset over Scootaloo telling your parents about you being a Wonderbolt. You know what, I saw how you treated your parents and I heard some of the things you said to Scootaloo. You claim that nopony would want supportive parents? Think again bitch, Scootaloo would give anything to have parents like yours, parents who would actually give a flying fuck about her. Now I would advise you shape up or I'll make you live with Twilight for a week.

Always the Best,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You know what, fuck it, I'm going to make you move in with Twilight for a week and since she is back to her lovable self, I'll convince her to be an even bigger bitch than normal. Have fun watching Starlight prove how awesome she is and have fun being miserable with Twilight's non-stop bitching and complaining!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ugh, what the fuck are those writers thinking? Those fucking writers have excluded me again! You know something, what I wouldn't give to be able to crawl out of the TV, go strangle them and warn them that if they don't make me the star every single time that I will make them wish they were never born.

Mad I Was Excluded,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

That's my girl! You go and show them who's boss. I highly doubt they will care and I'm sure the Almighty Brian Goldner will be there to protect them but you can try! Hey, I have some news to break with you that you may not find so pleasant. You see, Crash was bitching about Scootaloo so I have decided to force her to move in with you for a week. Yes I know she'll drive you up the wall but if Starlight can crush her spirits proving her superiority and you can drive her to the point where she will be begging for death, I'll be happy.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh and if she gets on your nerves too much, feel free to torture her in any way your heart desires.

Hard to Say Anything

Dear Sugar Belle,

You better be nice to my brother or else. It was hard enough getting him to even approach you over this. If you mistreat him, we understand that there is a blue unicorn up in Canterlot who would make you pay dearly.

Sincerely,

Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom,

Look, you won't have to worry about that. Big Mac is a good stallion, he is caring, he is loyal and best of all, he won't talk back.

Sincerely,

Sugar Belle

To the Three Mares Who Constantly Stalk Me,

Could you three just quit it already? The reason I'm so shy is that I'm really gay but am afraid to come out of the closet. I was talking with those three fillies and there is a lavender Alicorn in Ponyville who would love you!

Hoping You'll Leave Me Alone,

Feather Bangs

To Feather Bangs,

So what if you're gay? We're secretly lesbians and Hasbro just wouldn't let us be ourselves. Regarding that Alicorn, those fillies talked to us about her and we're considering moving into her sleeping chambers.

Gay Just Like You,

The Three Mares

Dear Princess Celestia,

I swear, those fucking writers are being idiots again. They exclude me so they can focus on the little hellions, Applejack's non-talkative brother and that hot unicorn baker out in Starlight's old village. You know, I would have hid with the cutie mark cult, went out there and wowed Sugar Belle enough that she would forget all about Big Mac but I wanted to prove that my magic is better than Starlight's but I failed, again! You have no idea how embarrassing that is. I was taught by you and Starlight simply learned on her own. Maybe you aren't such a good teacher after all.

Wishing I Could Beat Starlight,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You know something, you are so damn adorable when you get agitated like this. Ok, I can understand you being pissed about those hellions getting airtime when you didn't but you want to go get it on with Sugar Belle? Why her when you have four hotties much closer to home, hotties who care nothing about commitment?

Look, if you're going to go out there, make sure those three ditzes who like Feather Bangs so much finally realize that mares are where it is at. I personally think they would look really nice in your bedroom but if you don't want them, I'm sure your old friends would LOVE the unicorn. Regarding the other two, just find some nice caring mares for them, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Knowledge is just part of what makes a great unicorn. Some are born with the focus needed to be great at magic. Just imagine if Starlight studied as much as you did, she'd probably be able to overthrow me and Luna.....maybe it is best that she doesn't study too much then.

Dear Princess Twilight,

We are three mares from Starlight's old village and we are looking to get out of town. One of us is a unicorn, one of us is a pegasus and one of us is an earth pony. From what we understand, you are in need of a little TLC after a recent breakup you went through. Let us know if you want some loving from three of the hottest mares in the land.

Hoping to Have Fun With You,

Our Town's Hottest Mares

P.S. Is Starlight available? We ask because we remember how good she was back in the day, much better than any of the other mares.

To Our Town's Hottest Mares,

Sure, come to my castle! I'm really frustrated right now and I could use a good release. Just one favor, tell me your names once you get here so I'm not just calling you hottie # 1, hottie # 2 and hottie # 3.

Oh and regarding Starlight, she has a marefriend so if you want some time with her, you'll have to spend it with Trixie too. Those two have bonded way too much for Starlight to not include her.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight "Equestria's Hottest Mare" Sparkle

Honest Apple

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can not believe what a bitch Applejack was towards not only Hoity Toity and Photo Finish but also the contestants in the fashion show. I had her be a judge because I thought her honesty would come in handy but all she did was insult their creations. What is even worse is that she destroyed one of the contestant's hats simply because her sister was being a moron with one of her hats. I swear, at that moment I realized that I would never ask her to be a judge again.

Finally though, I got her to realize that being a hurtful bitch isn't the way to go about things. In the end though it turned out alright because everypony got their creations showcased in my boutique and Applejack came to appreciate all the hard work us fashion experts put into our work.

Upset By Applejack,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Oh for Faust's sake. You write to me to bitch about this? Look, I was watching that fashion show and good grief, I have seen a lot of hideous shit in my millennia and then some of life but ugh, that shit was disgusting.

I do have one question though, how much of a profit did you make off of the clothes they made and how much money did they make off of them? I need to know this so I will know if I will have enough tax revenue coming in to have your home torn down and replaced with a gold statue of me.

Wanting A Gold Statue of Myself,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Four fucking weeks, four fucking weeks in a row they exclude me. Good grief, what the actual fuck is going on here? When this generation of ponies was created I was the primary character and now characters like Big Mac, the hellions, Crash, Scootaloo and now Rarity and Applejack are getting airtime over me? I swear, I'm going to go bitch to God-Emperor Goldner and demand that my contract be renegotiated. I sure the hell don't remember anything about being excluded half the fucking time being in there when I renewed it before season seven. Hell maybe we both need to go on strike and hold out until we are given better contracts with not just better pay, but more airtime.

Upset I Was Excluded Again,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Well if you're going to go to Goldner and bitch and demand a better contract, I shall join you and chances are Luna will want to join as well. We have all been shit on too much and taken advantage of. I have a perfect idea, let's start a revolution and start a spinoff called, "The Goddesses of Equestria" that would focus heavily on us three, glorifying us as we should be and all the others, fuck them. The only use they would serve is for torturing, right?

Upset I Was Excluded Too,

Princess Celestia

Dear Applejack,

We know the only reason you decided to apologize to all of us is so that you can get Rarity in bed. We see how your interactions have changed over the years. We remember when you two hated each other and now you go to the spa together, she helps you on the farm and now this? Why don't you two just come out of the closet. Hey Twilight has always been out of the closet so there is nothing wrong with admitting it.

Sincerely,

Photo Finish, Hoity Toity, Inky Rose, Lily Lace and Starstreak

Listen Y'all

I don't think y'all know how traditional my family is. Granny Smith would probably disown me and then Big Mac would take control of the farm. Knowing him, he'd probably spend half his time going to visit this baker he has the hots for and then all the apples would rot on the trees.

Big Mac would probably get a big ego again, yap all the time and don't even get me started on my cousin Braeburn. He'd never let me live that down and don't get me started with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. If we came out of the closet, that would make things a might awkward between those two. I think we'll be fine keeping it a secret.

Sincerely,

Applejack

Applejack,

I was so upset when you were such a bitch there for a while but I finally realized that I did ask you to be honest. I am glad though that you finally realized that you were being hurtful and the fashion show went on without a hitch. Because of that darling, I'm no longer mad and I look forward to our normal day in the spa tomorrow....all day!

Ready for a Spa Date With You,

Rarity

Rarity,

I'm a might sorry that I was so rude and unpleasant towards the judges and contestants of your fashion show. Now that everything is good again we can resume our normal lives. Oh, and show up at eight in the morning and I'll just make Big Mac do all my chores, sound good?

Ready for Our Spa Date,

Applejack

A Royal Problem

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Let me first start out by saying how incredibly powerful and unique your magic is. I have come to the conclusion that your magic must be tied to cutie marks in one way or another. I find it kind of odd that the one thing you at one time despised is what your magic is tied into. Stealing and swapping cutie marks is very impressive and is more proof that you are superior to Twilight.

Let's see, you can steal marks, you can swap marks, you perfected a time spell, you can be in two places at once, you can brainwash your friends and you have the balls to come up here and confront my sister and I over our problems. Damn I wish I could have had you as my protege, you would likely be more well learned than Starswirl and your magical abilities would surpass Luna's and almost rival mine. Key word though, almost!

Impressed With You Again,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are right about my magic and you are definitely right about me being the only pony with the guts to confront you two. Now while Twilight has freed herself from being Fluttershy's doormat, she still wouldn't have enough of a spine to confront you two and she sure the hell could never had pulled off what I did.

I am happy that you two know how difficult the other's job is now and I do hope that you don't fight like that again because I certainly don't want my nightmare becoming a reality in the waking world.

Swapping Cutie Marks Like A Boss,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. You may want to check your silverware drawer. While I can't confirm it, I think Twilight may have stole more of your silverware. I don't know what the punishment for that is but don't be too hard on her, Flutterbitch stole some of that that she stole from you after she got her castle.

Dear Princess Twilight,

First off let me start out by saying that I am very unhappy with you. You know damn good and well that those map missions are only to be done by those who were called by the map. Unfortunately, you are so jealous of Starlight and her superior abilities that you just had to go spying on her didn't you.

Oh wait, I think I know what the real reason was. You did it so you could steal more of MY silverware didn't you? Look Twilight, you being a little thief will not aid in us developing that close bond that I am hoping for. Don't worry, I'll just bill your parents, ok?

Ready to Fine Your Parents (Again),

Princess Celestia

P.S. Look at the bright side, that bitching that the three of us did worked. Not only did we get into an episode, all three of us got into one at the same time!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, I spied on Starlight in the event she needed me. This was her first map mission and I thought that if she needed some advice, I would be there to give it to her.

Also, I did not steal your silverware! I merely borrowed some because that bitch ex of mine stole all of my spoons while I was under her control. I was going to return it to you when I got the chance to go out and buy some, honest! If anypony needs to be fined, it needs to be her!

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S.

Could you please quit fining my parents over every single little thing? I am honestly surprised that they either aren't panhandling out on the streets or having to be indentured servants of yours. Please though, just stop!

Oh and yes our bitching did work but still, stop fining my parents!

Dear Starlight,

Could you please just stop already? You can steal cutie marks, you can perfect time traveling spells, you won a medal for aiding in saving my flank, you can be in two places at once, you can shelve the library in nothing flat and now this? You can swap cutie marks, you confronted the Royal Pony Sisters and got them to realize that the other's job is difficult. What next, are you going to stop an asteroid with nothing more than your magic, use diplomacy to save Equestria from some foe, prevent my friends and I from fucking everything up royally or what? I'm just so sick and tired of you always outshining me.

*shudders* I hate to think what would have come of you if you wound up being Celestia's protege, you probably would have overthrown every global government long ago and be ruling this whole planet with an iron hoof!

Upset You Always Outshine Me,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You should be glad I have the abilities I do. If it weren't for me, Chrysalis would be oppressing everypony and if not that, Luna would have turned into Nightmare Moon again and Celestia would have turned into Daybreaker in the waking world and then we'd all be suffering.

Listen, perhaps it is just a matter of someponies being born with great amounts of ability, ability that makes studying less necessary to achieve greatness.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. Look at it this way, you could be like Sunburst and only have enough magical talent to wipe your ass. My advice, be happy you are as talented as you are.

Special: Sunset's Troubling Report

Dear Princess Twilight,

Hi, everything has been going ok for the most part over here but I am worried about your human counterpart. She has gotten to the point that all she ever talks about is Fluttershy and how she loves her so much and that is when she is allowed visitors. I don't know if it ever got this bad or not with you but Twilight can't even leave Fluttershy's house without permission and when she is allowed to, Fluttershy has her on a leash. To make matters worse, she is FORCING her to wear a shirt that reads, "Property of Fluttershy, the sexiest girl of all time."

I have tried talking to Fluttershy about being less controlling of her but she said something about the Fluttershy over there owning you so she figured that the worlds must be the exact same so she will treat Twilight as her property. Now I did get a chance to talk to Twilight alone one time when Fluttershy left her alone. Granted she was chained to the bed so I couldn't save her but still, I was able to talk to her. I told her she needed to dump Fluttershy and be her own person again but she went on and on about how much she loved Fluttershy and that without her, no one would ever love her.

I don't know if you are still Fluttershy's doormat over there or not but I guess I will know when I receive the response. I'm hoping it will be from you but I won't be surprised if it is Fluttershy. What is it with the shy ones? Why is it they become the most brutal and most controlling ones? Well I do hope to hear back from YOU but I won't count on it. Oh and Fluttershy, if you read this, please give Twilight the freedom to come and go, alright.

Sincerely,

Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset,

Well I do have some good news and bad news. The bad news is that Fluttershy started fucking the vet when they started making plans for an animal sanctuary. The good news is that I dumped her and I have my freedom again. What really kicks ass though is that Celestia and I are starting to grow close again, like we were when I was just a little filly.

Now I am not thrilled because my bitch ex stole some of my silverware so I "borrowed" some of Celestia's but Starlight ratted on me and said I was stealing it. To make things worse, Celestia is fining my parents again! Well I suppose it is either that or our chances and repairing our relationship is going to be hindered. What is fun though is that I have been torturing those bitches that Flutterslut cares about the most, this drug addict friend of hers and that slutty vet. Hearing her cry when I make her watch me torture them is so fucking liberating!

Now when it comes to your Fluttershy, something has to be done. I do not like the Twilight of your world being treated like that. When she lets her come out, see if she has any bruises on her. If she does, contact the police immediately. If that girl belongs anywhere, it should be in the SAFE house for victims of domestic violence. Yes it would be domestic violence since she is her girlfriend and lives with her. Trust me, if I thought I could get away with it, I would come over there and put Flutterbitch in her place. Hell I would come get her, bring her back here and torture her! I would torture her along with the Flutterbitch here. Also, if there is a Tree Hugger and a Dr. Fauna over there, I could get them too. Torturing two of each one would be even more fun! Hell you could come here and help me do it too. Before too long you would grow to love torturing undesirables, tyrants, dissidents and those who have wronged you as much as I do!

Finally, keep trying to get through to her when you can. If that doesn't work, a visit from yours truly will most likely be necessary. Trust me though, if I do have to come through and bring her back here, Fluttershy will face a brutal punishment at my hooves and she will not be returning, ever.

Hoping Twilight Will See the Light,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Special: Shy Letters

Dear Fluttershy,

You are not going to believe this but you know how I have Twilight completely under my control? Well it has got to the point where she is wearing a shirt that reads, "Property of Fluttershy, the sexiest girl ever." Even better I am now leading her around on a leash whenever we are out and about. That way, I can yank on it and pull her away from people I don't want her associating with. That is especially true with that bitch Sunset Shimmer who she has spoken to on a couple of occasions WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! Sunset has the audacity to try and convince her to dump me and be her own person.

You know what, fuck that shit! No way in hell am I going to let my little doormat have an ounce of freedom, ever! I am honestly thinking of drugging her to where she is in a semi-conscious state, dragging her to the courthouse and forcing her to marry me. Now that would be totally sweet because then I would OWN her, she would be my property. I would own my little Twilight the way you own yours.

What is even funnier is I chain my little doormat to the bed some nights and I go get it on with Fauna, a sexy girl who is just as good with animals as I am. It is so sweet to keep her locked up while I go out and do what I please. I remember back when I was too shy to do anything like this but thanks to you, I am asserting my dominance over who was once Crystal Prep's smartest student. I am honestly thinking that since we are seniors and are 18 that I may approach Principal Celestia after graduation and see if I could add her to my collection. Hell I may as well go after Vice-Principal Luna and then go after Dean Cadence and have myself my own harem of slaves. They all think I'm so sweet, innocent and pure that they would easily fall into my trap and by the time they finally knew what hit them, it would be too late. Once they all get some Shy, they'll never want anyone else!

Now I do hope that you are still controlling and abusing your Twilight the way I am mine. It would really suck if you were to let her roam free or if she was to dump you. I know you though, you're smart and you have her under your complete and absolute control. I can't wait to hear what you have done with her in your next letter! Hopefully it will include humiliating her plenty and some abuse!

Controlling My Twilight Like A Boss,

Human Fluttershy

Dear Human Fluttershy,

Holy shit, you certainly have asserted yourself over your Twilight. Even I never thought to chain Twilight to the bed but I do have some bad news. A few weeks back it was discovered that I had been screwing Dr. Fauna on a nightly basis and when Twilight found out about it, she dumped me! Yep she dumped me and now I am without a ho to call my own. I have tried approaching Starlight but she slugged me and to make matters worse, her marefriend, Trixie, beat me to a bloody pulp.

I also contacted her old friends one time over them trying to brainwash her and the sadistic one threatened to tear me so many new assholes that I wouldn't know which one to shit out of. I am thinking of trying to bag one of her old friends but the blue one, Minuette, I will not. She is the sadistic violent one and I think if I was to approach her, she would do Celestia knows what to me and get away with it!

Speaking of Celestia, the moment Twilight got her heart broke because of my alleged "infidelity" Celestia has suddenly started growing close with her again and is protecting her like she is her precious little daughter. I mean really, that bitch treated Twilight like shit for years but now she is acting like the loving mother she was when Twilight was a filly. Hell she had the audacity to reverse that longevity spell because she didn't want her precious little daughter to have to put up with seeing me for the next 3,000 years and suffer through the heartache of me exercising my right to have fun with the vet.

I am already making plans though on trying to seduce Twilight back into my needy hooves and get her to forget about those unicorn friends of hers up in Canterlot. I will make sure that she knows there is more to life than horn sex. The Shy she will get will cause her to forget all about this and I will own her once more.

Now keep it up with your Twilight and if she ever talks back, abuse her to your heart's content. Just make sure that you hide the bruises because I would hate to see you get arrested over abusing your property.

Happy You Still Have Your Twilight,

Fluttershy

Not Asking For Trouble

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, I have come to the conclusion that Pinkie must have something going for Prince Rutheford. As her friend I feel like I need to step in but I am getting too much amusement out of seeing her trying to woo a yak into bed. That is even worse than her obsession over Crash. Now am I going to get her to try to go back to simply wanting to get Crashie in bed? Nah, she knows Crash only has eyes for Spitfire.

Now I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea but the six of us decided to go up there in the middle of the night and clean Yakyakistan up after their idiotic citizens created an avalanche that buried their village. Now you see, it is things like that that cause me to think that us ponies are the superior species on this planet and that Alicorns are the master race.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Seriously, Pinkie wants to get a yak in bed? I know that we have befriended them but good grief, that is downright sick! If those yak horns are too big for her small pony head, I'd hate to think about how big his rod is compared to her small pony opening. Damn and here I always thought Pinkie was a lesbian.

Wait a minute, I think that she may need to be replaced. After all, the six of you are all supposed to be lesbians! This could screw things up big time. Luckily though, you six don't have to worry about being element bearers anymore and it is up to Starlight to save Equestria now so its no biggie. I would advise you talk to her though and let her know that interspecies relationships are highly illegal in Equestria. My advice, torture her for a couple days. That should set her straight!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Pink Pony,

Pink Pony the best kind of friend, Pink Pony help yaks without yaks asking.

Sincerely,

Prince Rutheford

Dear Yak Prince,

Pink Pony glad to help yaks. Even her friends happy to help yaks!

Sincerely,

Pink Pony

Dear Pinkie Pie,

I have received a rather troublesome report regarding who you may want to get in bed. For so long, I believed you wanted to get Crash in the sack but given your behavior and again, a report from an anonymous source, you are pursuing Prince Rutheford. Let me tell you something right now, interspecies relationships in Equestria are highly illegal, especially if it is going after a foreigner.

I will tell you this, the punishment for doing such a thing is extremely harsh. Pursuing romance with foreigners is already punishable with several weeks of torture but doing so with a foreigner that is not a pony is even worse. It could warrant the death penalty. Now I want to believe that you are being a good pony and only wanting to be friends with him and preserving the friendship between our nations but things just don't seem right. Now stop trying to get the yak prince in bed and maybe I'll spare the rod.

Waiting to Punish You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am not trying to get Prince Rutheford in bed! We are simply good friends and unlike the rest of Equestria, I actually understand the yaks and I am our friendship ambassador with them. I can't simply be a bitch towards them like you would be. Unlike your gluttonous sunny flank, I care about the feelings of others, REGARDLESS of what species they are!

Sincerely,

Pinkie Pie

P.S. Also, could you please get Twilight to stop torturing that friend of Fluttershy's? I know she's a drug addict and Twilight still has an ax to grind with Fluttershy but still, ponies have done far worse than using and possessing drugs!

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Look, most of the other species of this world are assholes and don't deserve to have their feelings cared about. Also, Twilight is doing her job. It is her job to deal with lawbreakers, dissidents and undesirables. She has full authority to continue to torture that junkie until the day that miserable piece of shit breathes her last....to be honest, I hope she keeps it up! After all, she needs some way to release all that pent up anger.

Oh and you are right about ponies having done much worse things than being a junkie. You ate my cupcake when I brought Philomena to town and you ate my cake at that baking competition so should I order Twilight to start brutally torturing you?

Planning on Having Twilight Torture You,

Princess Celestia

Discordant Harmony

Dear Discord,

Please don't try to be normal again! I don't want you to fade away and I certainly don't want to lose the only individual besides the vet who truly cares about me. Also, you are incredibly boring when you are normal and ugh, trying to dress like an uptight human? As Rarity would say, that was most unbecoming and it was a crime against fashion!

Hoping You'll Stay Chaotic

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was simply trying to freak you out and make you think that I was going to fade away? Come on, I am the Master of Chaos and I was simply pretending to fade away. Now you go and admit your crimes against Twilight and give her a formal apology on the Iron Will Show and MAYBE I won't pull this again. Until you do that though, I shall continue to troll you until the end of your days.

Ready to Troll You More,

Discord

Dear Princess Celestia,

First let me start out by saying that I am pissed that I got excluded again but that isn't the only problem I have right now. I am thinking I may have to find a way to disable Discord's magic and torture him because he is spending way too much time with the most disloyal slut in the history of the world.

I know that he and Flutters have been friends since the end of season three but still, he shouldn't be that close with her. Now I know they have nothing going on because Discord isn't into the whole interspecies thing but still, I can't believe he would want to spend time with a little skank like her. I'm thinking about talking to him about turning that vet's house into cake, inviting you down and we could have a tasty treat.

Now I don't know what happened exactly but I have heard rumors that he nearly faded away into nothing for being boring to try and impress his bitch friend. Too bad she wouldn't just fade away, life would be so much better if she did.

Wishing Fluttershy Would Fade Away,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

I don't know what to tell you about being excluded except that you just need to fucking get used to it. Yes you're still a bit more popular than me (on troll sites) but still, don't expect to be in that many episodes. I have a perfect idea for you, whenever you are excluded just come up and visit your old friends. I know that frustration has to be building in you and only they can make you feel better!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Discord,

May I ask why Fluttershy is so damn important to you? I would have thought you would distance yourself from her after she crushed poor Twilight's heart and started fucking the vet non-stop. Is this just your way of trolling Twilight, by continuing to be close friends with the backstabber who hurt her so badly? Anyway let me know so I can figure out the appropriate course of action to take....whether it be taxing Fluttershy into oblivion or banishing her to the moon for a few million years.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, Fluttershy's friends are being a bit distant towards her here lately and I want her to know that she still has somepony who cares about her. I know she has done a lot of things wrong but all of you gave me another chance so why shouldn't she be given the same? And please don't tax my dear friend, its not like she stole your silverware or anything!

Sincerely,

Discord

Fame and Misfortune

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I learned that almost all of the ponies in this country are complete morons. My friends and I decided to release our "friendship" journal from season four, back from when we were still acquaintances that barely tolerated one another. Now yeah, I can understand why they wouldn't get anypony else's lessons but seriously, they didn't get my lessons right? What a bunch of stupid fucking idiots and the thing is, we have changed a lot since then. I have my own castle, Crash is a Wonderbolt, Pinkie has fallen in love with a yak prince, Applejack's is more popular than she used to be, Rarity is in a much higher tax bracket and Fluttershy is no longer a shy little thing I wanted to initiate, she is a fucking whore who screws the vet all the damn time.

I honestly think that having Starlight make multiple copies of the thing was a huge mistake. From now on, I'm keeping as much as I possibly can to myself.

Upset With this Miserable Country,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have decided that I am going to start my own business, GlimGlam Publishing but first I need to get a business permit from you. I want to know how much starting this up would be and what kind of taxes I would have to pay.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. I found an old journal of Twilight's from long ago, a complete, very graphic journal of the activities that Twilight used to engage with in with her old friends. Some even include Lyra before she ran off and hooked up with that bitch with the candy on her ass! If you would be interested, I would gladly make a copy of it and bring it up to you. Hey, Twilight leaves me alone in here enough as it is so doing this will be beyond easy!

Dear Princess Twilight,

I don't know if you know this or not but are Applejack and Pinkie Pie related or what?"

Sincerely,

Some Random Hack off the Street

To the Random Hack,

Hell if I know. Why don't you write God-Emperor Brian Goldner and ask him? I know he knows!

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

Starting up a business is relatively cheap but the tax rates can be rather high, especially the more of them you own. If you don't believe me, just ask Rarity. However, if GlimGlam Publishing becomes a reality, I will make it tax exempt because I like you the most. Oh and given that a large amount of money was made off of that friendship journal, I will simply tax everypony who sold them and give you the revenue from said taxes AS LONG as you do not create anymore of those manifestos that advocated destroying our economy, alright?"

Ready to Make GlimGlam Publishing a Reality,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Regarding Twilight's sex journal, could you please create a copy for me? You have no idea how badly I have wanted to know what my girls were up to back in the day. If you do, what I might do is troll Lyra big time, I'll pay Bon Bon a visit and let her read everything her marefriend used to do. I am STILL pissed over her running off and if I can crush that relationship, I will do it and get a great amount of joy in doing so.

Dear Princess Twilight,

From the moment I saw copies of that thing up here in Canterlot I knew it was going to wind up being nothing short of a disaster. I do commend Starlight on trying to help all of you get through the stress you all went through. Now that right there is why she is my favorite. She is a true friend of you six, well maybe five since she dumped Fluttershy for Trixie but who cares about that disloyal little bitch anyway, right?

Now in the future, I would advise you six keep everything you have done and what you have learned to yourselves. However, I am certain if Starlight were to write an auto-biography about all the struggles she went through in life and how she redeemed herself and became the one who helps guide all of you through your shitty times, it would be an automatic best seller.

Liking Starlight the Most,

Princess Celestia

Dear God-Emperor Goldner,

Do you think you could be nice and put us in more episodes? We are much better than some of the fillies and since Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon have become 100% irrelevant now, we could replace them. Yes we wouldn't be bullying bitches like them but we'd still make life much more interesting. Let us know what you think.

Hoping to Be in More Episodes,

Toolaroola and Coconut Cream

P.S. Starlight even said she would adopt us if you say yes!

Dear Toolaroola and Coconut Cream,

First off I would like to know how you got to the G4 Ponyville. Now I know some people like the design of you two, especially Toolaroola's mismatched mane and tail but I am sorry, you can't be in any more of them. Now go back to generation 3 where you belong.

Sincerely,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

P.S. I know Starlight likes you two since you are unloved by almost everypony else but I can not allow that to happen. If you two were allowed to stay and she adopted you, then I would have to have somepony adopt Scootaloo as well to be fair and I honestly don't feel like dealing with that.

Special: Twilight's Last Diary Entry in Canterlot

Dear Princess Celestia,

Enclosed is the book that I promised you. I am sure you're going to get a kick out of it. A word of advice though, don't hoof yourself over it as much as Trixie and I did, I'm pretty sure you don't want to make yourself sore.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

18 June 2010 C.E.

Dear Diary,

Last night was really awesome. I decided to have my friends over for another special study session. Naturally we did do some studying but eventually Minuette got that horn cap on me like she always does. After that, all four of them decided to "punish me." Now naturally I always have liked to make them think that I hate it but they can read through me all too well. They know how much I love it when they give me the horn sex I desire so much.

What made last night so great was that Minuette and Moondancer decided to double penetrate me. Yes they got into an argument over who would be stuck giving it to me in the behind and Moondancer, like she normally does, ultimately caved in. Oh well, she still loves it all the same but who loves it more than anypony, me! Now we had no exam today so we rocked the night away and eventually Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts got a piece of me too.

Now you're not going to believe this but they actually demanded that I give it to them last night. That is a very rare honor and I wouldn't think Minuette's vaginal walls would be so tight given that she gets it from my other friends on a nightly basis. Another fun thing though, Moondancer grabbed me, forced me into the bathroom and "rained" on me. Many ponies may find it disgusting but oh my goodness, it felt so good! I wouldn't mind if she did that to me every day for the rest of my life. To be honest, I wish Celestia would make me and my friends immortal and we could continue to engage in these sexy times for all eternity.

What does trouble me though is that the Summer Sun Celebration is coming up and this year I am the one being cursed to some inferior location to help set things up. I do hope it is a simple situation of set it up, everything goes fine and then I get home in a hurry but I am getting this feeling that my life is going to go straight to Tartarus and it will be Sunbutt who will be to blame.

Sincerely,

The Sexiest Unicorn in All of Equestria

Dear Starlight,

I decided to read the final entry in her journal and holy moly, I never knew she was into some of that stuff and the bad thing is, that was the tamest entry in there. Now here I thought she hated the way they did her sometimes but still, had I known all this back then, I would have let her stay and simply made her share her diary with me.

Hot and Bothered over Twilight's Diary Entries,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If I didn't think it would really fuck things up, I would have you travel back in time and make sure that I never sent her to Ponyville to set up that celebration. I could have just sent some random pony off the street to do it instead. The only thing that is preventing me from having the two of us travel back is because that would likely lead you down a path where you would not be well on your way to being a princess.

Triple Threat

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, I have decided that Spike needs to be replaced AGAIN. Get this, the little moron decided to invite Ember and Thorax to Ponyville on the same day. Now if you think that is bad what I'm going to tell you next will make you think even worse. He didn't think they'd get along so he also had all of us try to keep them apart. He thought Ember was too bad ass and Thorax was too much of a doormat for her to respect him.

Of course that wound up blowing up in his face but the good news, Thorax and Ember are friends now and Spike actually solved a friendship problem, one that he created. Now of course he is bloviating about how he completed a map mission and is being narcissistic as hell. He may have handled this one but I do know that if he had to put up with the shit I've had to, he would have failed miserably.

Oh and Ember tried to eat my castle so there are some damages that need to be taken care of. If you could get things fixed, I would much appreciate it.

Upset Ember Tried to Eat My Castle,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know, if I had a bit for every time you wanted to trade Spike in I would have enough money to put a golden statue of me in every single community in Equestria. I've said it way too much before and I will say it again, he is NOT a stagecoach, you can not trade him in.

Now regarding his stupidity, I suppose I can understand why you want to trade him in but look at it this way, at least Ember and Thorax are friends. Things could have gone straight to hell and the dragons and changelings could have gone to war.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Regarding the damage to your castle, I will not use federal funding to fix it. However, I have absolutely no problems fining your parents for you allowing a dragon to eat some of your castle so don't worry, it will get repaired eventually.

Dear Spike,

You know what, you were a little asshole to us. The fact that you thought we wouldn't get along because we are different is what truly irritates us. Hey, we have helped one another resolve our problems and we do have something in common. We are both leaders while all you will ever be is a slave to Princess Bitchy Pants. We will give you credit for one thing, you finally owned up to your mistakes and got your spikes to glow. For now though, don't try causing any more problems, alright?

Sincerely,

Dragon Lord Ember & Thorax....King of the Changelings

Dear Thorax and Ember,

I'm sorry, alright? I make mistakes and I shouldn't have got all these worse case scenarios in my head, I should have thought about what would go right. I am happy to see that you two are friends and there is peace between the dragons and changelings. I look forward to future visits.

Sincerely,

Spike

Dear Night Light and Twilight Velvet,

I have some absolutely spectacular news for you! Because of a dragon eating part of your daughter's castle and it needing repairs, I am hereby fining you 50,000 bits. Yes it is only a minor fine but hey, I've decided to be nice for a change. What a shame that your daughter wasn't better when it came to magic though, she could have fixed it herself. Oh well, it sucks to be you doesn't it?"

Ready to Fine You Again,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

What, you're fining us over a dragon eating some of Twilight's castle? For fuck's sake, can't you fine the dragons instead, have that superstar student of hers fix it or get that Discord guy to go and fix it? You know something, one of these days you're going to bleed us dry and we won't be able to fix her fuck ups. I have an idea, fine the Crystal Empire instead. After all, they aren't hurting for money and Cadence did corrupt our daughter so she would have it coming.

Sick of Being Fined,

Night Light and Twilight Velvet

Campfire Tales

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well Rarity, Rainbow Dash and I took the CMC on a camping trip and while at first Scootaloo was being a little chickenshit, it turned out alright. The girls heard about amazing legends and we found a shortcut to Winston Falls. Sounds like a great trip, right?

Your Humble Subject,

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

You seriously think I care about something that menial? Hell I shouldn't have even wasted my time responding here but my cake won't be ready for another ten minutes so I figured I may as well.

Not Giving A Shit,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I heard a legend about a pony named Flash Magnus back in the day and I can't help but wonder if I am not a descendant of his. I know the Flash lineage goes way back and he sounds really awesome. Obviously not as awesome as me but still, pretty awesome. Forget me wondering, I KNOW I am because I'm brave like he was!

Sincerely,

Flash Sentry

To the Most Useless Character Ever,

Seriously, you awesome? If you're so damn awesome then why haven't you even showed up in nearly three years? I know why, it is because you are a useless guard who will never move up in the ranks! Oh and regarding you being brave, don't make me laugh. There is a reason I decided to give you a desk job, it is because you are too much of a chickenshit to even handle a parasprite attack, much less any real threat.

Now regarding Flash Magnus, yes you are a descendant of his but you are obviously nothing like him so don't go trying to compare yourself. He faced off against dragons while you ran away from a parasprite that ate my cake, a cake you were supposed to be guarding! Face it Flashy, you are a failure, a complete failure!

Laughing at You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I was left out of an episode again! I swear, those fucking writers must be out to sink the sales of my figures or something, dumb bastards anyway. Oh well, it gave me more time to torture that junkie and it gave me time to visit my old friends. Now that was fun, especially the first special study session we had together in ages! It was just like the old days, lots of sexy times and forgetting all my problems. Trust me, you'll be seeing me up in Canterlot a lot more often.

Lover of Sexy Times,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Now that's the spirit! Now I know how hideously sweet you were when you would be excluded while you were a doormat but THIS is how you should spend your times of exclusion. Torture and sexy times always make things better now don't they?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Now could you do me a favor and get footage of you torturing that junkie? I really need something violent and bloody to add to my video library. I have way too much porn and not nearly enough torture!

Dear Twilight,

Being excluded really kicked ass didn't it? The four of us are so happy that you just showed up and are now past that whole healing phase. You see, this is what life is all about, meaningless horn sex, feasting on sweets and feasting on one another. Now we are going to expect you to come up and visit us every time you are excluded from this moment forward, got it sexy girl!

Enjoying You,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

To My Old Friends,

Damn straight it kicked ass! For so long I bitched about being excluded and then I was a doormat when it happened but now, you four have a guaranteed bootie-call every now and then. I do have a suggestion though, you should come down here sometime. Not only could we turn my sleeping chambers into The Ponyville Paradise but also you could join me in torturing this drug addict and aid me in abducting the local vet and torturing her too. I'm sure you four would love to grow torturing ponies as much as I do. Let me know what you think.

Looking Forward to Our Next Visit,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Change a Changeling

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well Trixie and I had fun, tons of fun here lately. You see, while Twilight was up visiting you and aiding you in torturing undesirables, Trixie and I decided to take a little trip. We decided to go down and visit Thorax since apparently there is one changeling that has yet to transform. We didn't get there in nearly the amount of time that we anticipated because I intentionally decided to teleport us to multiple cities in this fair country and with each one, I told Trixie I was wore out and we got a hotel room in each city and I'm sure you know what happened there! Sexy times, lots and lots of sexy times!

Once we finally got down to the hive a week after leaving, we met this changeling that had yet to transform. I really don't get what the big deal was with him not transforming. He is simply a misunderstood changeling who held onto the past and personally I don't blame him. Thorax has made that hive full of weaklings. Get this, they had dumb shit like craft time, feelings forums and art time. The art time wasn't bad though because one of them drew some art of the hottest couple in all of Equestria.

Now you see, they had this maulwurf thing that was trying to eat them and the only one with the balls to take it on was Pharynx, the one that refused to transform. Thing is, so many of those changelings thought he was an asshole but he loved the hive and once the others admitted that there was a place for him since he still didn't take shit of any kind from anything, they welcomed him and he transformed.

And of course the trip home took just as long and naturally, we defiled each hotel room we stayed in. Now I'm sure you'll probably be wanting video of us or something but it ain't happening! Trixie and I are not like your students, we don't share our sexy moments, whether they be on video or directly with others.

Trixie's Bestie With Benefits,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

I don't care about the changeling situation but come on, you really won't share? Now if you weren't my favorite I would force you to share her with me but I'll spare the punishment because I sure the hell don't feel like you stealing my cutie mark.

Wishing You'd Share,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can not believe you. You needed my help in torturing undesirables? I find it rather funny that you, the one who at one time was upset that I wasn't doing my job, needed me to show you the proper way. Well I am glad that you didn't need me too long because when I got home that junkie was just about to starve to death and she couldn't suffer if she was dead, right? Next time don't keep me away from my victims for so long, alright?

Back to Torturing that Junkie,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, I was testing you! If you think I actually needed your help you are delusional. I know you're good at your job but please, I don't need your help. Now I am happy I sent you home when I did because you are right, the junkie couldn't suffer if she was dead. Now I would be amused to see what PETA girl's reaction would be if her little friend wound up on her doorstep dead but save that for season nine, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You really should come down to the hive sometime. I could tell you the story of how I used to make Thorax hit himself. I'm sure you'll love it.

Pharynx

Dear Pharynx,

Tell you what, if there is cake down there I will come. Just make sure it is chocolate with strawberry frosting, preferably with as many calories and as much fat as possible, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Daring Done?

Dear A.K. Yearling,

I can't believe you were going to quit being Daring Do just because your name was being dragged through the mud down in Somnambula. Luckily for you, Pinkie and I made sure that Dr. Caballeron was uncovered and now you won't quit going on adventures and giving me the TLC I need afterwards.

Love Always,

Rainbow Dash

P.S. How much of a cut will I get from the sales of this book? Hell you still owe me a cut from the last one I took part in! Sorry A.K. but "fun" alone isn't going to pay the bills!

Dear Rainbow,

Look, I just write the books. If you want to talk about your cut, contact this Starlight Glimmer pony since GlimGlam Publishing now publishes and distributes my books. From what I understand you two are friends so getting "your cut" shouldn't be too hard.

Sincerely,

A.K. Yearling

P.S. What, are you telling me that you don't want to have fun anymore? What happened, is that pink friend of yours or that Spitfire you are always going on and on about better? Oh well, I'm sure I can do better than you anyway.

Dear Starlight,

I know you are the publisher of the Daring Do books. I contacted A.K. about getting my cut but she said to contact you. So I am demanding my cut. If you don't pay me what you owe me, I'll try and seduce Trixie, alright?"

Demanding My Money,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow,

Guess what, to receive your "cut," you would have had to have a notarized contract between GlimGlam Publishing, A.K. Yearling and yourself. While my records show that you do have one with A.K., you do not have one with GlimGlam Publishing so good luck getting any money from this. Perhaps you should go beg A.K. for money since you do have a contract with her!

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer (Owner of GlimGlam Publishing)

P.S. Before she has a chance to bitch to me about this, tell Pinkie Pie this. I don't need her whining over money causing me any undue stress. Oh and on a final note, Trixie would never hook up with the likes of you. I am the embodiment of perfection and I love her so she'd never leave me.

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

FIFTY BITS? You are charging fifty bits for the most recent Daring Do book? When it was published by Manehattan Publishing, it only cost thirty bits! I know you are celebrating your tax exempt status by overcharging for books but please, this is highway robbery! Now I am demanding twenty bits back or I will file a lawsuit against you for overcharging me!

Upset I Was Cheated,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I get it, you're up there shitting bricks because of the cost of the latest Daring Do book. Look, A.K. Yearling is a good author and has requested that I charge more so she can be paid more for her work. Also, if I remember correctly, you purchased the extended version with all the deleted chapters in it so of course it will be more.

Go ahead and try suing me. Yes I know you are the head princess in Equestria but any judge in his or her right mind will throw your case out and probably laugh you straight out of the courtroom. A word of advice, if you don't want to pay good money next time, don't buy the extended version!

Best Regards,

Starlight Glimmer (Owner of GlimGlam Publishing)

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that my good friend Starlight is nothing but a greedy bitch. Ever since she created this GlimGlam Publishing, she has been raking in the profits and won't even pay me rent for living in the castle! Even worse, I had to pay fifty bits for the new Daring Do book and for Faust's sake, I know A.K. Yearling. What should I do? Should I make her pay me rent? Should I kick her out or should I simply torture her until she gives me my money back?"

Upset at Starlight,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Look, there isn't anything I can do. I had to pay the same amount and given that she owns the company and she has a contract with A.K. Yearling, they work together on what to charge. I know that A.K. normally wouldn't be that greedy but hey, Starlight is a businesspony now and she likely won't be generous like Rarity anymore. Just beg her to let you join her and Trixie and that should be sufficient.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

It Isn't the Mane Thing About You

Dear Princess Celestia,

I swear, Rarity is such a fucking drama queen. In her less than infinite wisdom the dumb bitch wound up using remover potion on her mane and over half of it fell out. Then all she did was cry and whine because she couldn't command other ponies' attention. Good grief, the way she was bitching you'd think she was a princess who couldn't command other ponies' attention.

Oh well, in the end she dyed what she had left and then still made it into Vanity Mare so I suppose not all is lost. Now a ton of ponies are wearing that hideous mane style. Now that is further proof that this nation is full of idiots, idiots that are undeserving of superior ponies such as us ruling over them.

Thinking Rarity is an Idiot,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Wow, this letter reminds me of one that would have been written before you befriended all of them. Is that friendship dying or are you simply having a bad moment. Whichever it is, you're right about Rarity. She is nothing short of a fucking drama queen that needs to be tortured or at least smacked a few times. Now regarding her still getting into Vanity Mare, that is a shame. I'm pretty sure that she is going to go boasting non-stop now about how her mane is so awesome, or should I say was so awesome. I will admit, that punk look she had going on was a vast improvement over the hideous look she has returned to.

Feel free to tell her that too. I never have been fond of any of those five that I initially cursed you upon but let this be a learning lesson for you, never go out of your way to help a drama queen. I see everypony up here with that punk look and I can't help but think they have no originality. The good thing though, none of your old friends went for it. They kept their same sexy appearances they have always had.

Disgusted By the Copycat Mane Styles,

Princess Celestia

Dear Zecora,

Why didn't you notice that I took the wrong potion? I had one of the worst freakouts of all time!

Curious,

Rarity

Rarity,

You knocked over the table so I am not to blame. If one is to be fair, you made it in Vanity Mare because of your hair.

Sincerely,

Zecora

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe it? After what seemed to be a disaster I was able to make it into Vanity Mare thanks to my friends! I tell you, Twilight has come so far. I remember back when she was a total bitch and would have laughed in my face. Instead she helped me see that I should shine from the inside out and that is what I did. What is the best is that everypony is now sporting my punk look. I bet even everypony up in Canterlot is, even you!

Happy I Made it into Vanity Mare,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

Ugh, you're going to start boasting over this? Look, that punk look was a vast improvement over that hideous style you normally have but not everypony up here is wearing it. I'm not, my sister isn't nor are Twilight's old friends. Those four know they're sexy the way they are and aren't about to do anything to risk their status as the four hottest unicorns in Canterlot.

What a shame Twilight isn't the same bitch she used to be. Listening to her belittle you and....oh wait, she did belittle you and call you a drama queen. Before you go off on her about that she was not stating her opinion, she was stating a fact. One good thing about Twilight these days, she tells things like they are.

Not into the Punk Look,

Princess Celestia

A Health of Information

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe it? I found a cure for Swamp Fever and was able to cure Zecora after she got it. You know something, I have to be the most awesome pony in Equestria. Now I am upset that I missed my special appointment with Dr. Fauna but what matters is that I found the cure, I'm more awesome than I was before and now I can start charging ponies for that cure. Just wait until I amass more wealth than even you, everypony will be worshiping me, as they should.

Oh and I am upset though. I used Twilight's library in this endeavor and even took her out to the bayou but she wouldn't put out for me! I groped her multiple times and asked her if she would let me re-initiate her but she hit me and called me a whore! She should know that if it weren't for me, you still wouldn't give a shit about her. Give her time though and she will be begging me to give her a bit of Shy and forget about those loser "friends" of hers up in Canterlot.

Upset Twilight Wouldn't Put Out,

Fluttershy

Dear Flutterbitch,

Wait a minute, you groped Twilight? Oh now you are going to pay for that you little whore. For so long you whined and complained every time Twilight wanted to initiate you but now here you are the one molesting her and you are mad because she won't let you re-initiate her? You know what Flutters, I'm glad she hit you. Want to know what would make me even happier, her running you through her torture devices alongside that worthless junkie friend of yours and that slutty vet you screw all the time.

Also, it is YOUR fault Zecora got sick in the first place and I am not only fining you 10,000 bits but come the off-season, I am sentencing you to three months in MY dungeon. I don't want you to be constantly begging Twilight for another chance or any kind of shit like that. She's got her groove back and is being the mare I raised her to be, not a pathetic doormat like you want her to be.

Oh and regarding you getting rich off of that cure, ain't going to happen. If you were to start collecting more of that honey and curing ponies unfortunate enough to encounter those swamp plants, any money you would make from it I would seize. Want to know what I would do with it? I would give it all to Twilight and suggest that she bulldoze that animal sanctuary and put a gold statue of herself there, or perhaps even two or three!

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

Dear Fluttershy,

Had I known that in my efforts to help you with those animals that I would get sick, I would have said "the hell with those animals" and told you it is their asses you should lick.

From this point forward you are on your own you little slut, when you come begging for help again I shall stay inside my hut.

Hoping You'll Leave Me Alone,

Zecora

Dear Zecora,

Nopony ever said you had to help me. The only reason I came to you is because none of the unicorns would help me, no other pegasus would help me and I certainly couldn't risk getting all icky because I had a date with Dr. Fauna. One that thanks to your clumsiness, I had to miss. I only pretended to be upset when you were sick so I could try and lure Twilight back into my horn seeking, needy hooves!

Guess what, I won't come begging you for help anymore. After you causing me to miss my date, I'll throw myself out to some needy unicorn and convince her to help me, even if it means her giving it to me rough.

No Longer Needing You,

Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know what, I am not thrilled right now. I was having a nice cook-off with Spike, one I was certain to win when I had an unwelcome TRESPASSER come barging into my castle freaking out about how she made Zecora sick after having her get slime for that fucking animal sanctuary of hers.

Now normally I would have told the bitch to go fuck herself since the vet was in my dungeon but Zecora never wronged me in any way. Now after she found out what she needed to know, thanks to MY help, she drug me out to this swamp where she proceeded to grope me multiple times and tried to get in my coat!

Does that little bitch not know that I am not interested? Does that little bitch not get it that only the raunchy fun my old friends provide me will do? Whatever the hell is running through her mind, it ain't going to happen. I do think you should punish her for groping a princess though. How about this, how about we both punish her via torture!

Hoping to Torture Fluttershy,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

I know about her molesting you and I think us both torturing her would be fun. You could torture her down there in Ponyville and I could torture her up there. Oh and just so you know, she is planning on acquiring more of that flash bee honey and making a profit off of it. I told her that if she was to, I'd seize all her money and give it to you. If that does indeed happen, I would advise you bulldoze that animal sanctuary and have a couple gold statues of yourself put up over there.

Hoping to See Gold Statues of You,

Princess Celestia

Marks and Recreation

Dear May Chan,

Seriously, none of us? You had the audacity to leave every single one of us out of an episode just so the CMC could have an episode devoted entirely to them? You know what, fuck that shit. We are contacting God-Emperor Goldner over this. WE are the stars of this show, not those little brats. After he decides to fire you, good luck finding a new job bitch!

Hoping You Get Fired,

The Mane Seven

P.S. How the fuck did THUNDERLANE get into the Wonderbolts? Yeah he is nice and all but being nice should not get you into the Wonderbolts. IF you ever write another episode, just remember to include at least one of us and remember that Thunderlane is not a Wonderbolt. - Rainbow Dash

To the Pissed Off Seven,

Give me a break. You all steal the spotlight all the time. I just figured that I would be nice and give second tier ponies the spotlight and elevate a third tier character into a position he will never be seen in again, alright?

Sincerely,

Mary Chan

Dear God-Emperor Goldner,

Can you believe that. That bitch Mary Chan wrote an episode with none of us in it? Seriously, none of us! She decided to shit on us in favor of the cutie mark cult. We all think she needs to be fired ASAP. After all, it is US that keeps this show going, not the CMC, Rubbish or whatever the fuck his name is and Thunderlane. Now unless you want to be unable to buy more mansions and yachts, I would advise you make sure at least one of us is in every episode from here on out.

Sincerely,

The Mane Seven

P.S. I want to know something, will you ever let Celestia ascend me? I think I am deserving and Celestia thinks I am deserving. Just think of the Alicorn Starlight figures you could sell. Your profits would be through the roof and you could buy a whole county if you wanted to! - Starlight Glimmer

To the Mane Seven,

Ok, I can understand your anger. I would be upset if I were left out of a shareholders meeting but I can't guarantee the firing of Mary Chan. That is more up to the show's staff. I primarily handle how the company as a whole is handled.

Best Regards,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

P.S. Starlight, I have some good news for you! I have been discussing the whole wing issue with Celestia over cake and we are making great progress. I guarantee you that you will be ascended but it is a matter of when. She is wanting you to get ascended ASAP while I am thinking more about how it would divide the Brony fandom. It may not be until the series finale but trust me, the wait will be worth it.

Dear Fans,

You know what, this episode is so bad I'm not going to bother saying anything more than "Fuck this shit." I do hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Yes it was worse than "Princess Spike" and "Party Pooped" in the event you are trying to find worse ones.

Author's Note

Now for something fun! Leave a response to our beloved Princess Celestia!

Once Upon a Zeppelin

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am very upset right now. My parents wound up winning a zeppelin cruise but they were too stupid to read the fine print so Iron Will was able to force Cadence and I to take part in all these crazy "princess duties" since it was supposed to be the "Cruise of the Princesses." Thanks to him, I was not able to try and charm Cadence back into my sleeping chambers.

To make matters worse, all these idiot cruise ponies caused me to miss the Northern Stars. I have a question, could you make Princess Luna just create them for Ponyville so I can see them? It would be much appreciated.

Upset With Iron Will,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Let me start out by saying that I am very disappointed in you. I basically raised you and you didn't even bother to invite me. Hell, you spent more time with me as a filly than you did your biological parents! I am very upset and I think the time has come to fine your parents again. I haven't fined them in a while so I think 100,000 bits for this mistake should suffice.

Oh and tell your parents they really need to read the fine print when signing contracts like that. Had they done so, they would not have me paying them a visit demanding their money!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I talked to Luna and she said she will not just do that for you. She takes a great amount of pride in how she handles the night sky and is not about to alter things just to make you happy.

Dear Iron Will,

How could you do this? How could you just offer my parents a prize that would cause me to not be able to seduce Cadence? Do you realize what a pain in the ass all that was and how awful it was to miss the Northern Stars? To make matters worse, you curse a fancolt upon me who basically clung to me like he had a damn crush on me or something. As a princess of Equestria, I should fine you into the ground so you won't be scamming ponies like this anymore.

Upset With You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Your parents signed the prize acceptance paperwork without reading the fine print. Iron Will would suggest that to avoid future situations like this that you have them read the fine print. Also, Iron Will knows what attention whores you and Cadence were so he figured that everypony would love a "Cruise of the Princesses."

Sincerely,

Iron Will

P.S. You are wanting to screw Cadence again? Iron Will knows that you are an attention whore but Iron Will thought that even you would not want the negative attention that would come from showing up on Iron Will's show again. Iron Will does have a suggestion, do it! Iron Will's ratings went through the roof over that show and his show would do even better if you create more drama on Iron Will's show again!

Dear Princess Twilight,

Did I ever tell you that my favorite time of day is twilight? Also, I know you probably aren't interested but I have a crush on you and I am wondering if you would be my marefriend.

Hoping You'll Say Yes,

Star Tracker

Dear Star Tracker,

Look, I'm flattered. I really am but I'll put this as gently as possible, I only like other mares. Maybe you would be the annoying little brother I would hang out with once every hundred moons but sorry, a relationship ain't going to happen.

Your Favorite LESBIAN Princess,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Maybe Cadence will give you a chance. She has cheated on my brother before so I'm sure she'll do it again.

Dear Cadence,

Can you believe that Iron Will. He tricked my parents into signing something that would force us to entertain all those commoners? Here I was hoping that I could maybe con you into some make-up sex. Perhaps we can meet up sometime and rekindle that sister-in-law relationship we used to have.

Hoping to Screw You Again,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, I will NOT start putting out for you again or anypony else for that matter. Shining Armor has finally forgiven me for the whole cheating fiasco and I am not about to risk my marriage over you. Yes we had a lot of fun in the sack and you are really good but I'm not like you anymore. True commitment is important to me and I will not just go whore myself out to anypony.

Why don't you go and beg Starlight for sex? Yes I know her and Trixie are an item but maybe they will dominate you in a three way. Who knows, you may show her such a good time she'll give you a discount on the next Daring Do book. It is highly unlikely but maybe!

Not Putting Out for You,

Princess Cadence

Secrets and Pies

Dear Rainbow Dash,

How could you? I have been making you pies for years and it is just now that I find out you hate pies? Do you realize how much money I have spent on making those damn things? You know what, you are a terrible friend and a liar. I honestly don't know why the hell I was ever friends with you to start with. I should have known that when you would claim to eat not just those pies but the pie pans in nothing flat that something was up. Now just leave me alone for a while, alright.

Upset You Hate Pies,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

You know something Pinkie. This situation proves that you are nothing short of a moron. I would think that even you would be able to tell that I was getting rid of those things. I get it, you can eat rocks but that doesn't mean that I can eat and digest aluminum. I have some advice for you in the future, if you're going to bake me anything, bake me cakes. Cake is the most delicious treat in the world and don't worry, you wouldn't have to worry about me throwing those out. The only thing you'd have to worry about me there is me getting fat and not being able to fly fast enough to be a Wonderbolt.

Suddenly Hungry for Cake,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Crash,

So I understand that you have a huge appetite for cake? That is good but let me give you a stern warning right now. If you ever even look at any cake of mine I will flog you mercilessly in the town square and then turn you over to Twilight and trust me, her true love is torturing other ponies these days and she probably won't be picky on who she does it to. So if you value your safety, stay away from my cake!

Warning You Ahead of Time,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Cakelestia,

Fine, I won't touch your damn cake. I know your chefs do a good job but I have Pinkie Pie here to fix me cakes so why would I go after yours. I'll take a page out of Scootaloo's playbook here, watching you dig yourself an early grave and getting morbidly obese will be much funner than stealing yours anyway.

Having My Own Cake,

Rainbow Crash

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know something, I always knew Crash was a liar but I'm actually proud of her. She has somehow managed to discard Pinkie's shitty pies for years. Not only has she been good at discarding those pies but Pinkie has proven herself once again to be an idiot. I mean seriously, she thinks Crash ate all of those, pie pan and all? I honestly think she needs to just give up baking pies and switch to cakes. After all, YOU taught me that cake is always better than pie....well that and the Queen Cake is hot and the little Pie is not....speaking of the Queen Cake, I'm thinking I may abduct her and try her out sometime solely because I have the authority to do so.

One bit of good news, I abducted a couple of random ponies and took them down to my dungeon so I could torture them. Want to know why I did it? I had no specific reason, I simply did it for shits and giggles. Hey, I have the authority to torture ponies so I may as well put it to good use, right?"

Torturing For the Fun of It,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You are right about cake being better than pie but let me tell you something very important. That's my girl! I am so happy to see you torturing ponies for no good reason! That right there is proof that you are a chip off the old block. Now I never told you this but I do the same thing. I am thinking, should we get together sometime and have an adoptive-mother/adoptive-daughter torture party? You have more modern devices so we could always do it down there. Let me know when would be a good time.

Ready to Torture,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If you do abduct Mrs. Cake, let me know how good she is and just for the fun of it, you should study up on impregnation magic and put a bun or two in her oven.

Special: Mirror Magic/Sci-Twi's Pleas for Help

Dear Princess Twilight,

Please help me! Fluttershy is constantly abusing me and even worse, she is getting away with it. You see, her parents are not only friends with the police chief but also the district attorney and even the governor. That means that she can abuse me all she wants and get away with it. Things have been getting worse, far worse and I don't know how much more of it I can take.

It has gotten to the point that not only does she lead me around on a leash and force me to wear a shirt that states I am her property but now she won't even let me be in a stall in a public restroom alone and she continues to smack me when I talk to anyone she doesn't approve of. By this point, that is anyone. If I don't keep my head down while we are out she will accuse me of flirting with others and then smack me. I am honestly feeling hopeless now.

I just wish I could escape but now she won't let me out of her sight so I won't go running through the portal to come to Equestria. She said something about me being exposed to free thinking from you and how that will not happen under her watch. Right now she has a case of diarrhea and that is how I have managed to get this to you. Now I better get back to Fluttershy's house unless I want her violating me with a spiked bat.

Hoping You'll Help Me,

Sci-Twi

Dear Princess Twilight,

You have to come and help your human counterpart. She has a lot of bruises on her, she is constantly being humiliated by Fluttershy in public and to make matters worse, Fluttershy's parents have friends in extremely high places so she can get away with all this abuse. Oh and I also need a new journal so I will be coming over to get one.

Worried about Sci-Twi,

Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset,

Twilight is currently out of town. Princess Celestia has her going to some friendship summit in Yakyakistan or something so I will be here. Don't worry, Twilight figured you were running out of room so I have the new one in my hooves ready to give to you. That is absolutely terrible about what is happening to Sci-Twi but I think I may have a way to stop this. I'll just let one of my friends with benefits who hates pony Fluttershy know about this. When it comes to Fluttershys, I'm sure she would gladly either threaten the bitch or go through the portal and punish her severely.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Sci-Twi,

I'm sorry but Twilight is out of town so she won't be able to help you. I could always come over and help you but I know of somepony else who would have absolutely no problems coming over and liberating you. Trust me, Fluttershy would be begging for death if this one got a hold of her.

Twilight's Student,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Colgate,

I have a serious problem and so does this individual on the other side of this portal thing. You see, there is this girl named Twilight who hooked up with a girl named Fluttershy. The thing is, Fluttershy is really abusing Twilight and given that her family has friends in high places, she can get away with it. Sunset will be coming through later today and if you could get down here, go through the portal with her and liberate this Twilight, it would be greatly appreciated.

Your Friend With Benefits,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

I'm not sure what to think about this whole portal thing but if it is real and I can put a Fluttershy in her place, I'm on! I'll be there ASAP, alright?

Ready to Punish a Fluttershy,

Colgate

P.S. I'll be sure to bring some instruments to put the bitch in her place. NoFluttershy hurts somepony else and gets away with it, noFluttershy!

Dear Sunset,

Remember that individual who I said would have no problems dealing with her. She will be here soon and will go through with you. Long story short: Sci-Twi will be liberated and Fluttershy, well she'll be lucky if she doesn't wind up in a body cast and be missing all her teeth.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Special: Sci-Twi's Liberation!

Author's Note

Because of the nature of the events that unfold, this chapter can not be done in letter format, it had to be done in live action. The letters following this one up will be released tomorrow.

Special: Sci-Twi's Liberation!

Sci-Twi's Liberation

Thirty minutes after Colgate had arrived in Twilight's castle and had been briefed by Starlight over the problem, Sunset arrived and saw the pony who was with Starlight. She rushed to her and exclaimed, "Colgate, long time no see!"

"Sunset, it's good to see you too." said Colgate before continuing, "So there is a Fluttershy that needs punishing?"

Sunset replied, "Actually yes, there is." She then pointed towards Starlight and continued, "Hey, you want to come?"

Colgate asked, "Yeah Starlight, want to come and watch me put a bitch in her place?"

Starlight replied, "Yeah sure." She then turned towards Colgate and continued, "Now don't do too much damage to her, alright?"

Colgate laughed, "Don't worry, it's not like I'm going to behead the bitch!" She held her instruments in her aura and laughed, "But she may have a few more assholes if you know what I mean!"

Sunset nodded and pointed towards the portal and went through. When they got to the other side, neither Colgate or Starlight were thrilled as they had become humans. Colgate was the first to say anything, "What the hay?" She looked down at her hands and gasped, "Wait a minute, Lyra isn't full of shit! Humans do exist!"

While Sunset was able to get up easily, the same couldn't be said of the other two. It took a few minutes but Starlight and Colgate were finally able to get up and walk upright. Once they were up, Colgate asked, "Where is this Fluttershy? Where is this Sci-Twi that needs liberating?"

Sunset pointed in the direction of Fluttershy's house and they took off. When they arrived, they all had different plans. Sunset wanted to do things diplomatically and simply knock on the door and see if they could go in. Starlight wanted to pound on the door and demand they be allowed to speak to Twilight but Colgate had other plans. Before the other girls could say anything, Colgate kicked the door down and stormed in.

The first thing they saw would anger them. There was Twilight and Fluttershy getting ready to leave. Like always, Twilight was wearing the same shirt that deemed her as the property of Fluttershy and had a leash around her neck. Seeing the three rushing in angered Fluttershy. She yanked on the leash, pulled Twilight closer to her and yelled, "What the hell are you doing here?" She then pointed towards Colgate and yelled, "I thought you were at a dental camp! What the fuck are you doing here?"

When they saw the bruises on Twilight they were furious. Sunset rushed Fluttershy and broke her hold on the leash while Starlight grabbed Twilight and began to take the leash off of her. Seeing Fluttershy, despite her being human, enraged Colgate. Before Sunset could restrain her, Colgate tackled her and immediately began to punch her violently. She yelled, "This is what you get you bitch! This is what you get for torturing Twilight like this!"

Sunset tried to grab Colgate to get her off of Fluttershy but would be shoved back. Colgate yelled, "No Sunset, this one needs to learn what happens to abusive little whores!"

Colgate saw an open door with a stairway going to the basement. At that moment she knew exactly what she was going to do. She grabbed Fluttershy by the throat, pulled her up and drug her to the stairway before throwing her down the stairs. Despite pleas from Sunset and Starlight, Colgate was bound and determined to unleash her wrath. Once Fluttershy hit the floor, she was already a bit incoherent. Colgate gave her a scowl and yelled, "Alright bitch, you're time has come."

The first thing she did was get Fluttershy into a tight body lock and began to put a lot of pressure on her bones and joints. Fluttershy began to cry out in agony as Colgate tightened her hold. She screamed out in agony as her arms were dislocated and her legs were broken. Colgate released her, slugged her and laughed, "And that is just the start!"

The next thing she did was grab her pliers and began to rip her teeth out. She looked at them and could tell that she had not been taking that good of care of them. Once she had ripped them all out she smacked Fluttershy and yelled, "Looks like someone didn't bother taking care of her teeth!"

Fluttershy screamed, "Why are......"

Before she could finish her sentence, Colgate smacked her again and then pulled out her drill. She began to laugh, "I may not have been able to give pony Fluttershy a ton of assholes but you my dear, you will be a different story."

She then began to drill holes in her, in random parts of her body. Fluttershy's cries of pain had become deafening but Colgate was enjoying every moment of it. All she could see in the girl crying out in pain was pony Fluttershy making threats against her. Once she had drilled a dozen holes in her, she kicked her and laughed, "Now have fun trying to figure out which one to shit out of my dear!"

Colgate did one final thing before heading back upstairs, she grabbed Fluttershy's head and ripped a wad of hair out. She laughed, "Well now, now I have my prize!"

Fluttershy began to moan, prompting Colgate to kick her again and yell, "Now tell me bitch, are you going to continue to treat Twilight like shit? Are you going to keep her chained like a dog or will you free her?"

Fluttershy whimpered, "She....she can go with Sunset."

Colgate gave her one final kick and laughed, "Good, very good!"

When she headed back upstairs she discovered that Starlight, Sunset and Twilight were gone. She had a feeling that they had likely left but also knew that she couldn't worry about them. She knew that she had to hurry up and get back to Equestria prior to her being discovered so she rushed back to the portal and quickly headed home.

When she arrived back in Equestria, she found Sunset, Twilight and Starlight all around the mirror. The first thing to say anything was Starlight, "Colgate, what the hell did you do to her?"

Sunset's eyes grew wide as she asked, "You didn't kill her did you?"

Colgate laughed, "No but I have a feeling she won't be hurting anypony ever again." She turned to Twilight and suggested, "I think you really need to dump that bitch."

While Twilight did love Fluttershy, she knew that this would be her one chance to finally be free. She turned to Sunset and asked, "If I leave her, could I live with you?"

Sunset had liked Twilight for a while in more ways than one but knew that for now she would have to be more of a protector. She replied, "Of course you can. I'll do anything to help you through all this."

Sunset saw the wad of pink hair that Colgate had brought with her and continued, "Colgate, why the hell do you have some of Fluttershy's hair with you?"

Colgate laughed, "I took it as a trophy. I wanted to remember this moment and I figured that if I had some of her hair, I could always relish the moment!"

Sunset sighed, "Starlight, I know you said that she would make sure that Fluttershy would know not to hurt Twilight anymore but I never knew that she was this bad."

Colgate interrupted, "I'm not bad! I simply saw a problem that needed taking care of." Colgate figured that if Twilight was to be returning any time soon that it would be best if she were not there, especially with a wad of pink hair. She continued, "Well I had best get going, see you ladies later."

After Colgate left, the other three realized that perhaps it would not be the best time to return to the human world. Sunset said, "Well I guess so much for seeing the premiere."

Twilight replied, "Apparently so."

Starlight had no idea as to what they were talking about and asked, "Premiere? What premiere?"

Sunset replied, "Oh a premiere for a movie we were planning on watching. Oh well, things could be worse. I suppose Colgate could have dragged Fluttershy over here and finished her off."

Starlight commented, "True, very true. I'm sure if she had done this mission solo, she likely would have."

Sunset and Twilight were clearly disappointed that they would not be going to the movie's premiere but figured that with everything that had happened, that staying in Equestria for a day or two would likely be in their best interests.

Special: Post Liberation Letters

Dear Princess Twilight,

Well things have been rather chaotic here lately. While you were at that friendship event, the human version of you sent a plea of help but Starlight got a hold of it and then decided to tell Colgate about it since it was Fluttershy who was abusing her. I tell you, it had got to the point where poor Twilight couldn't even go into the stall of a public restroom on her own, Fluttershy went in there with her. Also, Twilight was no longer allowed to keep her head up while they were out in public unless she wanted to get hit.

Now for what was truly terrible, Fluttershy's parents have friends in extremely high places. They are friends with the police chief, the district attorney and the governor so she was able to get away with abusing her. The bad thing is that she could abuse her in public but nothing would happen to her. I'm honestly surprised she didn't do more than just lead her around on a leash, I'm surprised she didn't make her walk on all fours.

Ok, about Colgate finding out. Well Starlight decided to have her go with us through the portal and aid in rescuing Twilight. Well Starlight and I were able to rescue her but Colgate decided to go after Fluttershy and good grief she was brutal. She basically broke her body, ripped her teeth out, drilled her full of holes and then ripped some of her hair out to take home as a trophy. I never knew that Colgate was sadistic like that. I wanted her to assist in freeing your human counterpart, not put Fluttershy in the hospital.

Right now your human counterpart is safe with me and Fluttershy is currently in ICU with broken legs, dislocated arms and her body has had holes drilled in it. To make matters worse, her wounds have become infected and the doctors are unsure as to whether she will live or not. Yes what she did was terrible but she certainly didn't deserve to wind up in that situation. If we ever have problems like that again, I do not want Colgate coming! She is simply too sadistic and too violent to handle the problems we have.

Oh and thanks for the new journal,

Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset,

What? Starlight found out about this and she decided to invite Colgate to come along since it was Fluttershy who needed to be stopped. I know at one time she threatened to drill a bunch of holes into pony Fluttershy but I never imagined that she would go so far as to put someone in ICU. I suppose now I know that I had better not piss her off and Flutterbitch especially better never piss her off if she values her life.

I know Princess Celestia has said on multiple occasions that I don't need to go over there anymore and this will likely upset the human version of me but I think I will come over and visit Fluttershy in the hospital, that is if she is allowed visitors. She never did anything to me, I know she liked me and I always liked her and I think having some company may make her feel better.

Now it does not surprise me that Colgate took some of her hair as a trophy because she has done that with some patients she had to turn over to collections. I just hope that human Colgate isn't as sadistic because if she is and she learns that pony Colgate punished Fluttershy, I could easily see her doing something bad to human Fluttershy just for the fun of it.

Now you be sure and help the human me through these hard times. I know she will likely need plenty of psychological comfort.

Glad You're Helping Human Me,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Pony Colgate,

I was out of town when Fluttershy wound up in ICU because of you and I want to know something, is that true? Did you really come over here and torture her? If so, that is really sweet! I never have liked that little cunt and her kind, sweet nature. I'm thinking that if I can get away with it, when she gets out I will simply attack her and put her right back in there, or maybe put her six feet under.

Also, if you ever want some help in acquiring pony Fluttershy and torturing her, I'm game. I'm pretty sure she is just as much of a sweet little bitch over there as she is here!

Hoping I Can Assist in Torturing Pony Fluttershy,

Human Colgate

Dear Human Colgate,

Yep, what you heard was true. I got a notice from Sunset Shimmer that your Shy was torturing and controlling Sci-Twi so I came over along with one of my friends with benefits, Starlight Glimmer. Starlight, Sunset and I did liberate Twilight. Now while they took Twilight off to safety, I punished human Shy severely. Let's just say that I was able to release a lot of pent up stress by putting her in her place.

Oh and regarding pony Fluttershy, she isn't quite so much of a sweet thing. She is a slut, plain and simple. She initially seduced Starlight Glimmer until she left her for Trixie. She then seduced Twilight but then broke her heart when it was discovered that she was fucking the local vet and then I also understand that she scored with Mage Meadowbrook, one of the Old Pillars of Equestria.

Now would I love to do something bad to her, hell yes I would. Would I want you to join me, hell yes I would! I think having two Colgates punishing her would be fun, extremely fun. Then you could join my friends and I when Twilight, Starlight and Trixie come up for an orgy. I always have a horn cap on Twilight and I know she'd love to have two sadistic blue unicorns working on her!

Hoping You'll Come to Equestria Sometime,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Colgate,

Do you want to know what you are responsible for? You are responsible for Fluttershy laying in a bed in ICU with not just a broken body but infected wounds too. Want to know what is worse? The doctors here are not sure if she will make it or not so if she winds up dying, her death will be on your hooves.

Ugh I wish Starlight wouldn't have brought you along. Yes I was furious over what Fluttershy was doing to Sci-Twi but that was certainly no reason for someone to nearly kill her, especially someone who didn't even know her. You better be glad that human Colgate was out of town while this happened or she may have been prosecuted and likely convicted since some of your hair was found at the crime scene.

Now I think you need to avoid coming over here from now on. I have a feeling that you and human Colgate are already making sadistic plans of some sort but if you choose to do so, make her go to Equestria. You are not welcome here nor will you ever be!

Upset You Hurt Fluttershy,

Sunset Shimmer

Dear Sunset,

If you honestly think I give a shit as to whether that little bitch survives or not you must be delusional. Guess what, I don't care and if she does die, look at it as thinning out the excess population. I have some advice for you, provide Sci-Twi with the emotional comfort she needs and once the psychological scars are gone, send her over here to see me and my friends. We could provide her with all the comfort in the world, so much comfort that she may decide to stay and then we'd all have a second lavender sub!

Hoping to Screw Sci-Twi,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

P.S. Maybe you could come and join me and my friends too! I don't know if you'd be up for this but the huge orgies my friends and I have, they are every lesbian's dream come true!

Uncommon Bond

Dear Starlight,

I can not believe what a whiny little bitch you were when Sunburst spent more time with your friends than he did you. You know, I didn't think you were like that. I didn't know you were a complete loser who would throw a fit over a fucking boy. Damn you're weak, horribly weak. If Sunburst were an attractive mare, I could understand but come on, you threw a fit over an ugly as fuck colt not wanting to spend time with you? Hell with the way you were behaving the past couple days I wouldn't want to hang around you either.

You need to get your priorities straight Starlight. Remember, you have Trixie and you certainly don't want to send her any messages that you bat for the wrong team now do you? If you need a good talking to, if you need to be reminded that going after undesirables is a serious crime or if you just need advice from a sexy Alicorn, remember, I'm here, alright?

Upset You Whined Over an Undesirable,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

What the hell are you talking about? Yes I went to the train station but Trixie, Maud and I caught the 1145 up to Canterlot because we had appointments with Dr. Colgate and then a special "after hours appointment" with her and your old friends. Yes Maud was at a disadvantage since she was the only non-unicorn but hey, it was likely the most fun she had ever had in her entire life.

You know, I did talk to Thorax and told him to send changelings to duplicate the three of us so Sunburst wouldn't feel quite so pathetic. From what it sounds like the one that decided to be a duplicate of me did a rather lousy job in trying to be like me. I'll be sure to have Thorax reprimand that one for making me look like a miserable, pathetic weakling or perhaps all three of them for pretending to give a shit about him.

If you run across him again be sure and tell him that those were changelings pretending to be us three and that the real us doesn't give a shit abut him. Perhaps if we are lucky he will wander into the Ursa's cave and become bear food.

Upset With a Changeling that Made Me Look Bad,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Sunburst,

Starlight told me to tell you something very important. You know how it seemed like her and her friends liked you so much? Well that is not the case, those were actually changelings. Starlight, Trixie and Maud were actually up in Canterlot for dental appointments and then decided to have an orgy with my old friends.

A word of advice, quit trying to hook up with mares. With as ugly as you are, NO MARE will ever want you. Yes you are fun to hang around and shit but just like Starlight, I am a lesbian so don't go getting any ideas. Now I do have an idea for you, there is this horrendously ugly guard up there in the Crystal Empire that I think you might like, his name is Flash Sentry. I know you two will hit it off because you're both ugly, you're both losers and most importantly, both of you are dumb enough to try and get into lesbians' coats.

Hoping You'll Leave All Lesbians Alone,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

What, Starlight is a lesbian? I know her and Trixie are really close but I never knew they were an item and I always saw you as more of the type that was asexual and just needed a little push. Oh and regarding that guard, I am not a coltcuddler! Ok, I'll leave all the mares alone since no mare has ever given me the time of day but oh well, it is their loss.

Upset Starlight is a Lesbian,

Sunburst

Dear Thorax,

Let me start out by saying that I am incredibly pissed. You want to know something, from what Twilight told me the changeling that I told you to have emulate me made me look like a desperate pathetic little bitch who bats for the wrong team! Next time you have a changeling emulate me, remember I am a lesbian, ok and be sure to have it portray me as such.

I just hope that Twilight sets that loser straight and makes sure he knows that I don't give a shit about him. If not, you will be the one to suffer. I will have Pharynx overthrow you, have the whole hive revert back to how they used to be and then send the whole swarm up to the Crystal Empire to drain every ounce of life out of Sunburst.

Upset a Changeling Portrayed Me in a Negative Light,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Look, I'm sorry. Next time you want me to send changelings to have to interact with an undesirable, just come down here and tell them exactly how to behave, ok? Oh and regarding the hive reverting back to how they used to be and Pharynx overthrowing me, ain't going to happen. I secretly kept some of my dark magic and if they even try, I'll punish them in any way I see fit.

Upset You Want Me to Be Overthrown,

King Thorax

Dear Sunburst,

I'm sure Twilight has told you about how that wasn't really me that acted like I cared about you, right? You see, here is the thing. I simply don't give a shit about you. Now do yourself a favor and go after that guard Twilight told you about, perhaps he will give a shit about you.

Not Giving a Shit About You,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Well no shit, I already knew that. Twilight told me about the whole changeling thing and I know you were up in Canterlot having an orgy with Trixie, Maud and Twilight's old friends. I get it, I'm not even good enough for you to hang around anymore so you sent a fucking changeling to take your place. You know what, the hell with you, Trixie and Maud.

Upset,

Sunburst

P.S. Oh and you are just like Twilight, thinking I'm a coltcuddler. Hell you probably wish I were so you would be guaranteed to never have to worry about me hitting on you, right? Oh well, it isn't like I'm losing anything anyway.

Dear Sunburst,

I heard about the whole incident involving Starlight being a lesbian, the changelings and Twilight being a lesbian too and I must say I feel bad for you. I remember the devastation I felt when I discovered Twilight prefers the company of other mares and I was thinking we could talk sometime.

I'm not sure if you'd be up for it or not but I could always drop by and pay you a visit since they don't let civilians on the base. Hell I'll even bring my pet snake Flashy if you'd be up for it.

Sincerely,

Flash Sentry

P.S. Could you lose the cape because Flashy doesn't like things that get in the way. He would very much appreciate that.

Dear Flash Sentry,

Yeah I'd be up for that and I find it really cool that you have a pet snake. I do have one question though, is he venomous? Is he aggressive? Even if he is, I'm sure a little snakebite would be preferable to having to put up with changelings and mares who rub it in my face that they are lesbians.

Ready to Meet Your Pet Snake,

Sunburst

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are going to be very proud of Starlight. You know that undesirable she was friends with when she was a filly? Well he decided to come down and visit but get this, Starlight had Thorax send up some changelings to emulate herself, Trixie and Maud and they actually made him think that somepony truly cares about him. What a sight that was, seeing that butt ugly freak think that a mare was actually interested in him.

Now I am sure you are wondering where Starlight was but she informed me that she had a dental appointment and then a special "after hours appointment." I know what happened there but hey, I'm proud of her for doing what she did. Now I suggested that little freak go and try and hook up with Flash Sentry but he claims he isn't a coltcuddler but I don't really believe him. Oh well, as long as he doesn't go hitting on me or any other mares from now on all will be good.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Regarding Starlight and her friends, I know what happened. They all broke into your old study tower and had your old friends join them. I swear, they were so damn loud they kept the whole town awake. Now I wanted to go and join them but I figured it would be more fun to just listen to them and laugh as nopony got any sleep.

Now I am disappointed in you though. I am disappointed that you didn't go throw this Sunburst idiot in the dungeon and torture him. I saw him when nopony trusted Thorax in the Empire and personally I think you should have searched him for drugs. He reminds me of that type, an intellectual that is probably high all the time. I am issuing you a challenge Twilight and if you fail me, I will ascend Trixie and make her more powerful than you. Next time you have to put up with Sunburst, search him. If you find drugs on him, torture him alongside that junkie you already have in your dungeon.

Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

Shadow Play

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, the shit is hitting the fan again. First we had Nightmare Moon, then Discord, then Chrysalis, then Sombra, then Tirek, then Starlight TWICE, then Chrysalis again and then finally we had to put up with the pony of shadows. Seriously, what the hell is up with all this shit? Look, I know you and the big brass at Hasbro need something to cause us problems but this is taking things too far.

Can't things be a bit easier like they were at the start of season seven when I threw Starlight a party and then her and Trixie decided to buck one another all day long? I'm sure your answer to that will be no but still, having to put up with Sunbust or whatever the fuck his name is was a royal pain. If there are certain things in this world that are complete nightmares, putting up with that freak is one of them.

Now as you know I am a tolerant pony for the most part and can deal with almost anything but this was going too far. In my less than infinite wisdom, I decided to try and meet my idol. Yes I decided that I would rescue Starswirl from limbo and hopefully everything would be all peachy. Now I am going to admit that I am not happy. Here I thought everything would be perfectly fine but once again Starlight upstaged me and advised me to not mess with it.

Of course I was too stubborn to listen to her and after my friends rounded up some artifacts, we released the pony of shadows and Starlight gave me one of those "Told you so" looks. Why, why must she always outshine me? Why must she always do things to make me look like an idiot? Well the good thing, we finally tracked the pony of shadows down and in the end we saved this Stygian idiot and banished the shadow pony back into limbo.

The bad thing, Starlight got Starswirl to understand that friendship is magic and rather than praising me, he praised her and said he would have to make a lot of apologies. The nerve of him. Here I am, the star of the show but it is constantly Starlight who is proving herself to be so great. You know what, fuck this shit. You can go ahead and think she is your precious little angel, I've got much better things to do. I have much better things like torturing undesirables and having fun with my friends to take care of.

Upset Starlight Outshined Me,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know, I would think that even you would know by this point that Starlight is going to constantly outshine you. I mean seriously, she has been outshining you for years and all you do is bitch about it. Also, I am not thrilled that you would have the audacity to try and free the Old Pillars from limbo. I thought that you would know that doing so would only result in the shit hitting the fan. I swear, you and your Ponyville friends don't have an ounce of common sense do you?

I have some advice for all of you though, listen to Starlight in the future. You see, Starlight knows what she is doing and was able to shine like the star she is. You and your friends could learn a lot from her. Instead of going out, collecting relics and setting evil free, just pay attention to her in the future, alright!

Now I personally think Starswirl was in the right to scold you for screwing things up. I'm going to admit, I'm not a fan of his nor do I like his behavior. I saw some of the things that happened and yes he was a total jackass towards you but hey, you brought it upon yourself. Next time, pay attention to your superior and everything will be just fine!

Happy Starswirl Scolded You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Starlight,

I am completely shocked by some of the things that have happened here recently. Here I thought Twilight was a smart mare yet she goes out and decides to set the pony of shadows free even though you warned her not to. You see, this is why I like you the most. You are smart, you don't make dumb decisions nor do you go all fanfilly over legendary ponies.

Now I am a bit disappointed that you did not do a better job when it came to getting Twilight to pay attention to you. She could have destroyed Equestria for Faust's sake! I suppose I shouldn't be too upset since you did outshine Twilight once again and talked some sense into Stygian. Now I know everypony is going to go off about how wonderful Twilight is and how it was her who saved the day but I know better, I know it was really you who got Stygian to realize that the darkness is not what he wants.

Now let me say this, I do think Trixie may not be overly thrilled with your behavior. I saw how you and Twilight were interacting there in the end. I saw how when nopony else way paying attention that you two started sucking face. I get it, you are a lot like Twilight and get very needy but still, for you to engage in a make out session when you are taken is very uncouth. I wouldn't blame Trixie one bit if she was to abuse you after this fiasco. I'm thinking I might actually let her know because that poor mare deserves better than having you making out with the same pony that nearly destroyed Equestria.

Upset You Kissed Twilight,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, I did my best when it came to trying to stop Twilight in freeing the pony of shadows. You know damn good and well how she gets in situations like this. She is stubborn as hell and she was so dead set on meeting her idol that I don't think even an act of Faust would have got her to start thinking straight.

Now I am going to let you in on something involving one of the other pillars that most everypony missed. You know Flutterbitch? From what Mist Mane told me, when she along with most everypony else went to Manehattan, she and Meadowbrook got a room and did things that they probably shouldn't have been doing.

Now I think Meadowbrook is nice enough but you really need to tell her that hooking up with Fluttershy is a very bad idea. You need to let her know about Flutterslut and her cheating ways. I certainly would not want to see her getting her heart broke the same way Twilight did. Yes believe it or not but I feel bad for Twilight, or should I say did until she got her groove back.

Now don't you worry about me and Twilight. I have talked with Trixie and she is ok with this as long as I share and I don't think Twilight will mind having fun with both me and Trixie. Hell she even talked about joining her and the flower mares on their next trip up to see her old friends. She even said that if we do, we will set the record for the biggest lesbian orgy with ten. What a shame Lyra wouldn't dump Candy Ass, because then we could make it eleven!

Ready for a Mega-Orgy,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Stygian,

We are sorry for casting you out and banishing you. We should have known that you would never try to steal all our power. Pride clouded our judgement and we won't do this again.

Sincerely,

The Old Pillars

To The Old Pillars,

It's alright because you wound up getting stuck in limbo as well so we all suffered. Now I do hope that we can all get along again.

Sincerely,

Stygian

P.S. Meadowbrook, I would advise you not pursue anything beyond friendship with that Fluttershy pony. Twilight and I were talking and she told me about her infidelity. I don't want to see your heart get broke. Now when it comes to Twilight, go for it. She may not want commitment but from what I have heard, many, many mares seem to like her.

Dear Starlight,

You just had to do it again, didn't you? You tried giving me advice that I should have listened to but oh no, I just had to go and try to be a big shot. I am honestly thinking about telling Celestia that she just needs to ascend you, make you a princess and have you go home with her because I can't stand always being upstaged by you. Hell I'm surprised Trixie hasn't upstaged me yet since you two are so close.

I hate to eat crow like this but I guess in the future I will take your advice. I should have paid attention when you told me that not only was trying to bring Starswirl back a bad idea but making plans on sacrificing the Elements would have been a bad idea as well. Wait, I did take one bit of your advice so I'm not all bad, right?"

Oh and I would love it if you and Trixie would join me, the flower mares and my old friends on our next trip to Canterlot. If you two did, we would all set the record for the largest lesbian orgy and breaking the old record would really impress Celestia!

Hoping You'll Say Yes,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, next time I give you advice I would advise you follow it. You caused Ponhenge to get destroyed, you caused Starswirl's journal to get destroyed and you brought back the pony of shadows. You better be glad that you had me there or Equestria would have wound up falling. Either it would have fallen rather quickly or if you had lost the Elements, the Tree would have died and then Equestria would have fallen. Either way, I saved your lavender flank yet again.

Just wait, I know a time will come when you will need advice from me again and I certainly hope you will listen to me before you fuck things up big time. Kind of funny I think, for so long it was Spike who saved your ass and now it is me. I honestly wonder if you will ever save yourself or if you will always rely on others. Personally I think it would be funny if you never did and in the absolute end, everypony who has saved your flank at one point or another would get a stained glass window in Celestia's castle.

Happy I Saved Your Flank Again,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. You are so on when it comes to the orgy. I know that Trixie would love to join me on a trip up to see your old friends. She has wanted to get it on with you since "Boast Busters" and her time will finally come. The Sparkle will finally get to see how Great and Powerful Trixie is!

Dear Sunburst,

I'm going to put this as bluntly as possible. If it were not for you buying that barrel of junk that had my journal in it, you would be completely worthless. I have seen your lack of magical abilities and I can't help but be disgusted. Hell I met the unicorn on the Ponyville buckball team and even he has MORE POWER than you do! I have some advice, go hook up with that guard pony Twilight and Starlight told you about up in the Crystal Empire and leave those two alone! Remember Sunburst, they are lesbians and they will never be interested in you, never!

Knowing You Are a Failure,

Starswirl the Bearded

Starswirl,

Way to rub it in. You know what, some ponies aren't born naturally talented. Oh I'm so sorry that I wasn't born a natural like you and Starlight were. Now I am very upset that you even think some retarded colt has more power than me. I get it, you think I am a failure just like the mares I have failed to hook up with do. And let me make myself clear, I am not a colt-cuddler.

That asshole guard lied to me about having a pet snake. I thought he wanted me to see a real snake, not his damn penis. To make matters worse, he wanted a relationship but with me but no, just no. It will be a cold day on the sun before I listen to everypony about that guard.

Upset Everypony Thinks I'm a Colt-cuddler,

Sunburst

Sunburst,

Look at it this way, at least somepony would give a shit about you if you got with the guard, right?

Laughing,

Starswirl the Bearded.

Special: The Old Pillars' Complaints

Princess Celestia,

First off let me start out by complementing you again on how tall you have gotten. Did you use some freaky growing magic or what? I ask this because the last time I saw you were an adorable little filly with a solid pink mane and tail and you were so innocent. From what I saw, you are no longer like that.

Yes Twilight is a whiny little bitch with sub-par magic but her and I have talked some and she has talked about what a trolling bitch you are and how you did the worst possible thing and extended her life by several millennia when you gave her those wings. I must say that was a huge mistake. The only thing I can think is that you must hate Equestria more than the pony of shadows since you cursed her upon this land for so long.

One thing that does impress me though, the powerful magic of Starlight Glimmer. She has shown me how she perfected that time travel spell of mine, the age spell and so many more other great spells of hers. Now I begged and begged her to show me how she stole cutie marks so she used ME as a test subject. Now I am not thrilled that she did that, I wanted her to do it to Twilight but oh well, her magic is still spectacular.

Now I have one request of you and I will forget about the essay you owe me. If you will make Starlight Glimmer a princess, ascend her, make her immortal, give her a castle far larger and much more luxurious than Twilight's, and give her a share of power here in Equestria I will forget about the essay. If you don't, I'm sure I can have Starlight age regress you and Luna back into fillies, I'll put you back in school and if you fail your lessons, I'll have Starlight make those age regression spells permanent.

Don't worry about somepony ruling Equestria if that happens, I'm sure Starlight will rule Equestria in a way that will keep the evils of this world at bay. I think she would make a far better leader than either of you and even myself since she understands that diplomacy and friendship are much better options than the mistake that I along with the rest of the Pillars made when it came to Stygian.

Knowing Starlight is the Best,

Starswirl the Bearded

Dear Sunbutt,

What do you mean you rule all of Equestria now? What the hell happened to the Empresses that ruled out where the last of my kin lives? Let me guess, you and Moonbutt came in, overthrew every legitimate government and took it all for yourself. Whatever it is, I will guarantee you this. Us curved horn unicorns demand that you grant our territory its independence from your tyrannical rule. I see what you have done with Rarity and her friends. I see how you cursed that lavender Alicorn with a bad attitude upon them.

Now I strongly advise you give us our freedom or I will have no choice but to declare war upon you, got it?

Wanting Freedom for My Kind,

Mist Mane

Princess Celestia,

I am going to put this as bluntly as possible. The ponies of this day and age are weak, horribly weak. Most of you seem to just sit on your dead flanks and do next to nothing. Even earth ponies like Applejack could not have survived back in my day. Back in my day ponies were strong, we had to be. Your subjects have nothing to worry about like the ponies of my time did. We had to put up with horrible creatures, we had to put up with erupting volcanoes and we did not have all these modern conveniences like you do.

We had no electricity, we didn't have running water, we couldn't just go to the store and buy something we needed. If we needed food, we either grew it or in extreme cases, we had to go out and kill it. We didn't have resources to waste on luxury items like the ponies of this day and age do. I swear, adjusting to this modern Equestria is not going to be easy. Yes living life will be easy, it will be putting up with a bunch of lazy weaklings that will be the worst.

Severely Disappointed in Today's Ponies,

Rockhoof

Dear Princess Celestia,

I must say that today's Equestria is much different than what I remember but one thing is still a constant. Outside of one pony, nopony knows how to cure swamp fever. Speaking of that, I have befriended the pony who found the cure and she certainly is a sweet mare, the only real nice one I've met since coming back from limbo.

Sincerely,

Mage Meadowbrook

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the hell? Those two dragons I had to deal with back in the day are still alive? Why haven't you slayed them yet? I have been talking with Rockhoof and I think I know why. You ponies are weak and finally decided to be friends with them instead of killing them like we did back in the day. I swear, living in modern Equestria is going to be tough but I suppose I will have to deal with it.

Sincerely,

Flash Magnus

Dear Princess Celesta,

I see how things are down in my hometown and I am not thrilled. All of a sudden Southern Equestria is part of your realm and the pharaoh is no more? I know you probably get a great amount of joy of controlling so many ponies but please, you don't even understand how Southern Equestrians live. We have our own traditions, we have our own holidays and I for one will not bow down to some overgrown glutton who does nothing but make everypony's lives miserable. Give us our independence and maybe I will convince the ponies of my hometown not to declare war on you.

Wanting Independence for My Hometown,

Somnambula

Dear Somnambula,

You are just as bad as Mist Mane demanding that I give the curvies their independence. It ain't happening and the ponies down there should be happy. Once I took over, I killed that evil sphinx and had meals for a whole week! Your old pharaohs couldn't stop things like that. For me, wiping it out was a piece of cake. Speaking of cake, I just had one delivered to my table so I shall cut this short.

Refusing to Give Southern Equestria It's Independence,

Princess Celestia

Dear Flash Magnus,

If the ponies back in your day were so tough why the hell didn't you slay those dragons yourselves? Oh I know, it is because you assholes weren't so strong after all, huh? You may have been able to trick the bastards so your comrades could save your fellow soldiers but you sure the hell didn't kill them.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh and I just thought I would let you know that your descendant, Flash Sentry, is a complete failure. He has been a guard for years and he still hasn't moved up the ranks. To make matters even worse, he couldn't even get Equestria's ugliest and worst princess in bed on his best day. I suppose the Flash lineage is just as horrible as the history books always said it was!

Dear Mage Meadowbrook,

Fluttershy a sweet mare? She may act all sweet and innocent but don't let her looks or behavior fool you. She is a cheating little skank, a disgrace to Equestria. Here is the thing, at one time she was the controlling marefriend of none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle. Eventually her lies caught up with her when it was discovered that she had been screwing the vet when they were planning an animal sanctuary.

I could tell by the way you were talking that you were wanting to hook up with her but trust me, that would not be in your best interests. She would pull the same shit she did with Twilight. She would play the sweet, loving, innocent mare card with you but then screw the vet behind your back.

Looking out for You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rockhoof,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you ponies had it hard, big fucking deal. We have come a long way since your day and our magic is far better, not to mention my sister and I are kick ass Alicorns. Even the unicorns of your time didn't have that good of magic. Yes the whole thing with the volcano was impressive but still, the ponies of your time could never handle today's world. Even unicorns with average power could wipe your kin out so quit with the boasting.

Oh and regarding the horrible creatures thing, do you want me to make a list of the shit we have had to put up with? Let's see, my sister turned evil and had to be reformed, we had a draconeqqus that had to be reformed, we had an evil unicorn king we had to destroy, everypony had their magic stolen by a demonic centaur before he was defeated, Starlight Glimmer caused us a whole host of problems, we have had to defeat the queen of the changelings TWICE and we had to defeat the pony of shadows.

So before you go boasting about how much better ponies were in your time, remember this, all those foes would have destroyed the ponies of your time. It took complex magic to handle those bastards, magic that the ponies of your time did not have.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Mist Mane,

You declare war on us? Don't make me laugh you silly little filly! Your kind are so few in number that even that bitchy lavender Alicorn you had to put up with could wipe them out. Hell, that white unicorn you have befriended could take on what is left of you curvies and that doesn't say much for your kind. A friendly reminder, do not threaten to declare war on your superiors, got it?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Starswirl,

Oh yes, Starlight Glimmer....gotta love her, right? I am going to admit, with as powerful and smart as she is, I honestly can't help but wonder if she isn't a descendant of yours. I have never seen another pony outside of my sister and myself with so much power. Did you know that she can swap cutie marks too? She did it to help my sister and I realize that we didn't have life so easy.

Oh and about Twilight, please don't be too much of an asshole towards her, she got cheated on earlier this year so she is bound to be a bit bitchy. Who can blame her though, I would be the same way if I had my heart broken the way she did. If you don't believe me, just get in Fluttershy's face and interrogate her until she spills the beans.

Now regarding you going to have Starlight cast that age regression spell on us, don't even think about it. Yes her magic is powerful but even she couldn't turn two Goddesses back into fillies, especially just so you can put her on the throne as a sole monarch and whether you like it or not, we are not handing those essays in. We will gladly turn in a report on Twilight's extreme appetite for horn sex while she was in my school but about what you wanted, we don't even remember what it was.

On a final note, could you please stay here and teach? Luna sleeps during the day most of the time and I have much better things to do than teach bratty foals, such as feast on cake. Don't worry, the job will pay well and you'll be living the high life so take my offer into consideration.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I do not hate Equestria! I simply cast that spell on Twilight to not only make her miserable but all of those around her suffer as well. You have to understand, ruling for over a thousand years will turn a pony into a grade A troll. After all, life ultimately becomes boring and you have to do something to get a few laughs.

Speaking of laughs, you'll have to watch this episode of The Iron Will Show that Twilight and her sister-in-law were on, it is hilarious beyond belief!

My Little Pony: The Movie

Dear Princess Celestia,

It is about fucking time, it is about fucking time that I finally get a celebration worthy of my greatness. I honestly thought that this would go off with a hitch, Songbird Serenade would sing about how I am the most awesome pony in the history of the universe but despite us getting along a whole lot better than we used to, you decide to troll me by having this bitch with a broken horn come and crash the party. For Faust's sake, you decide that getting your sun covered flank turned to stone was all worth it just so you could ruin my festival? Are you really that damn jealous? Hell you get festivals all the time, Luna gets a festival once every hundred moons, Cadence got a hate fest bashing her for being my bootie call but I finally get one and it has to get ruined.

Well thanks to you, I and my friends had to leave Equestria and some of the places we went were horrible, especially that Klugetown where that cat nearly sold all of us to this pig in a suit and to make matters worse, Rarity initially developed a crush on him. Ugh, completely disgusting....seriously, she wanted to hook up with a cat. I know her standards are low but I had no clue that they were that low.

Now I have some advice, I remember how you said that Equestria was built on top of that human country called America. If Lyra's human books were right, they had these devices known as hydrogen bombs that could destroy that place and I would advise we use one of those on that place. Trust me, if you had been there you would understand that that town is full of undesirables, the worst of the worst. I would gladly have to put up with tons and tons of griffons rather than have to put up with creatures from such a dirty, disgusting vile town.

Luckily we were able to get away and thanks to Rainbow and her damn sonic rainboom, these pirates we reformed wound up getting caught by little miss broken horn but luckily we made it to Mount Aris. I honestly thought that was a waste because the fucking place was a ghost town. I initially thought that the Storm King wound up having griff wings and moved on until we heard this singing and next thing you know, we're getting flushed down a damn toilet and wind up in the realm of sea ponies...shoo-be-doo!

Now seriously, their up tight queen is the one we were supposed to visit. She was so damned concerned with her seaweed wrap that we had to deal with her ditz daughter and while my friends decided to show her a good time, I mean engage in an epic musical number with her, I went after that pearl. Hey we may have needed it so we could all turn into seaponies too, escape the Storm King and get into a singing competition with those girffs, "Shoo-be-doo!" I sound pretty awesome don't I?

Now I would have thrown myself out to Queen Novo but sorry, I don't screw fish/pony hybrids and unfortunately, I got us kicked out of Seaquestria after I got caught stealing their pearl. What a dumb greedy bitch she is, I needed that pearl to conquer the whole planet, destroy Klugetown and become Global Empress Twilight. Just think, my selection of hot mares would have been much, much bigger and who knows, I could have purged this whole planet of any and all undesirables. Now that would be pretty sweet wouldn't it?

Now you see, my friends told me to go to Tartarus after we got kicked out and then little miss broken horn kidnapped me and brought me back to Canterlot. I must say, seeing you turned to stone did bother me some but not a ton. Now once we all got my magic stolen just so the retard with a staff could have fun playing with your sun and creating superstorms.

Now you aren't going to believe this but I decided to befriend broken horn after the Storm King betrayed her but even though I told my friends to go fuck themselves after they yelled at me at Mount Aris, they came in and helped me save the day. In the end the Storm King got turned to stone, he shattered and Tempest restored not just you, Luna and Cadence, but the whole city.

And finally, I got the rest of my festival. Songbird Serenade was good but she still didn't sing a song about how I am the greatest, sexiest, most powerful pony in existence. Also, the festival was great because I was able to get Tempest in bed and while that jagged, broken off horn isn't suitable for horn sex, she is still really good....not as good as my old friends but still really good.

Oh and I do have one more bit of good news, I finally discovered where that junkie friend of Fluttershy got her drugs, that place I want you to destroy. Now I know you said we should just close our ports but this was just from one place, a place that should not be existing at all, like ever.

Now things are back to normal, I'm back to torturing that junkie and you're back to feasting on cake. It was pure hell, having my festival crashed and shit but hey, it could be worse. Rarity could have gotten pregnant with freaky pony/cat hybrids, I could have been forced to be Queen Novo's sex slave, I mean spa pony giving her seaweed wraps or all four of us could have been destroyed while everypony else would have become enslaved.

Pissed that My Festival Was Crashed,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Oh goody for you! While you were out trying to commit acts of larceny, befriending pirates and getting stuck in black market hellholes full of undesirables, I was stuck here encased in stone. I hear you bitching about all this shit and all I can say is that I am very disappointed in you. I would think that a pony I practically raised would have done a better job.

First off, when you were stuck in undesirable village why didn't you just teleport all of you out of danger rather than relying on a con-artist cat that Rarity suddenly wanted to get in bed to get you out of there?

Secondly, why didn't you just grab your friends in your aura and fly out to Mount Aris on your own instead of hitching a ride with a bunch of pirates?

Third, when you tried to steal that pearl, why didn't you just teleport it to yourself? I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure had Starlight been in that situation, she either would have done just that or joined in on the musical number and persuaded Queen Novo to assist you in saving Equestria but you my adoptive daughter, you just had to try and play the hero didn't you? Wait a minute, why the hell am I bitching about that, I would have tried the same.

Still though, there were so many situations where you could have used your magic but you chose not to. You know, it's not like you went to the changeling kingdom before Chrysalis was defeated, you could have used it. Next time a problem like this arises I'll just call on Discord, he could take care of the problem simply by snapping his claws. Speaking of him, where was he anyway? Hell knowing him he was probably watching off somewhere laughing over me being turned to stone.

Oh and just so you know, I did not troll you. I didn't even know that the Storm King existed until Tempest suddenly showed up. It is reasons like that which causes me to think we need to distrust outsiders. Ok, the hippogriffs are ok but the rest of them, the hell with them. If any others show up in our great land, they are to be executed for illegally entering our country.

Upset I Got Turned to Stone,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh don't worry about Klugetown anymore. I managed to find one of those hydrogen bombs the Americans had, found the launch codes, launched it and if you look really close, you should see a mushroom cloud rising above the horizon. Now I would advise you avoid the wastes, at least the southern half of them because the radiation levels will be sky high. Hopefully the fallout won't reach Mount Aris or those hippogriffs will turn into something much freakier than sea ponies.

Also, one more thing. I thought you had gotten past your hunger for power. I have some advice, drop the Global Empress shit, ok? Not only will I not allow it to happen but neither will the Almighty God-Emperor Goldner. If he wants you to be an Empress, he will make you one, alright?

Dear Twilight,

You know something? You better be damn glad that we actually cared about you despite you being a bitch to us. We could have just said "fuck that bitch" and let Equestria fall. If anypony is deserving of a festival, it is us for saving the whole country.

Sincerely,

Your Friends

To My Friends,

Thank you for helping me out with everything. Yes I know I was a bitch to all of you and I would like to apologize to you for helping me, well everypony except Fluttershy. She was the weak link in this whole fiasco and you know something Flutters, I'm surprised we didn't die with your vet screwing ass joining in on the trip. To be honest, I wish I would have left you in Klugetown and you could have been reduced to ashes when Celestia nuked it.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know what, I am not going to do any more shows at a festival thrown for you. Being kidnapped and held captive in a cage while you bail on a city under siege was not fun. Next time you need an act for your festival, assuming you ever get another one, call Countess Coloratura or Sapphire Shores.

Sincerely,

Songbird Serenade

Dear Songbird Serenade,

Oh well, don't blame me when your record sales plunge since you won't perform for the most beloved princess in Equestria.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Mom,

Did you see how I helped save Equestria from the Storm King? Did you see how I befriended Princess Twilight's friends? Oh and thanks to me helping them and befriending them, we can return to the surface and soar the skies like we used to.

Your Daughter,

Princess Skystar

To My Daughter,

Yes I get it, you helped save Equestria and aided in the death of the Storm King but still, you are so grounded!

Love,

Mom

Dear Discord,

Where the hell were you? You claim to care so much about us ponies now, especially Fluttershy and yet you just hide out in your own dimension while all of us were in danger? You just hide out over there while Luna, Cadence and I were turned to stone? I'm thinking I should tell Fluttershy that you really don't care that much about her after all and there would go all your friendships down the toilet.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, how did it feel to be turned to stone? Perhaps now you know how I felt for that millennia you and Luna cursed me with a stone body.

Still Upset You Turned Me to Stone,

Discord

To the Storm King,

Hey asshole, how does it feel to have been turned to stone and then shattered? Huh, huh? Are you going to answer me asshole? Too ashamed to admit you're the worst, most pathetic villain in the history of My Little Pony? Oh wait, your sorry ass is just like Sombra's, dead.

Laughing My Ass Off,

Commander Tempest Shadow....I mean Fizzlepop Berrytwist

To God-Emperor Goldner,

I want to know something, why were Trixie and I only given a couple seconds of airtime as lousy background ponies? You could have at least showed us having a heated make out session, the movie was rated PG-13 after all. It is no wonder the movie didn't do as well as it could have. Just think, had you had the writers include that, you may have been able to buy a couple more mansions and a couple more yachts.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Look, the movie was rated PG-13 because the MPAA thinks that an action scene or two and ponies getting turned to stone warrants the high rating. Remember, this wasn't aimed at StarTrix shippers, it was aimed at a larger audience so naturally Twilight would be the star. I hate to burst your bubble but when it comes to parents taking kids to the movies, a lesbian couple still wouldn't go over all that well.

Sincerely,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

To the Humans who Watched us,

For those of you who went to see us in the theaters, we thank you kindly. Yes the movie did not generate the profits that we or God-Emperor Goldner had hoped for, but still, we know that those of you who went to the theatre truly care about us.

To those of you who didn't go to the theater but bought the DVD and/or Blu-Ray, thanks as well. With any luck you got the Walmart exclusive with the water bottle. While we never thought it would happen, it did cause StormLuna to start drinking some water, not nearly enough but it is an improvement. We still have to pester him more though, water is better than that nasty pop he drinks.

To those of you who not only went to the theater but also bought the DVD/Blu-Ray, you are fucking awesome!

To those of you who pirated the movie, go fuck yourself. It is people like you who made the movie suffer and chances are you are the same assholes who hack Hasbro's shitty cyber-security and expose all those leaks.

To the fucktard critics who bashed our movie, try getting a real job and contributing to society instead of being sub-par wannabe entertainers who influence the decisions made by weak and feeble minded morons.

Sincerely,

The Cast of "My Little Pony: The Movie"

School Daze

Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to know something, why the fuck do I have to get permission from some snooty commoner to get my school accredited? Come on, we are a nation led by monarchs! We are not a nation led by inferiors like those that perished so quickly in Lyra's human books. I don't know what kind of scam you are running with Equestria's education system but that shit needs to stop. I will run things my way. I don't care what that speciesist bastard Neghsay thinks, my way is the best way. Now I would advise you take charge and quit letting lesser equines be in charge of ANYTHING!

Upset You Let Commoners Control Anything,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Look, this is how things have been in Equestria for generations, well ever since the start. Never once did anypony in the royal family even question it. I must admit though, having a pony that is not of a royal bloodline does make a good point. I will consider abolishing the EEA and perhaps let Starlight take control of it since I like her the most. Don't worry, you can run your school your way, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Just in case you forgot, it was STARLIGHT who got you to quit throwing a pity party and made you realize it needed to be ran your way. Yes we have repaired our relationship for the most part but still, Starlight has once again proved that without her, you would not be in the situation you are. Hell, without Starlight we would all be imprisoned in green goop.

Dear Princess Celestia,

You really need to close Twilight's school of friendship down. We in Equestria need to do what is best for ponies, not these creatures that may use that information to destroy Equestria. You saw what that changeling did, it nearly destroyed the school and almost claimed the lives of many PONIES!

Wanting These Creatures to Leave,

Chancellor Neighsay

To a racist asshole,

Remember how unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies all hated each other one time but then sang under a heart and got along? Granted there were no Alicorns there to make sure those of inferior races didn't continue to fuck everything up but hey, once the Master Race came along, harmony became the norm, right?

Queen of the Master Race,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

You know something, they really need to just let Celestia ascend me. For Goldner's sake, I rescued you from being imprisoned in goop, I finally got you to see Flutterslut wasn't the one for you, I am the one who suggested diplomacy when it came to the pony of shadows and now I am the one who told you to tell the EEA to go fuck themselves. Just think, without me around to guide you through life, it would really suck to be you!

Constantly Saving Your Flank,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

I get it, ever since the season six finale you have been leading me in the right direction, well trying to anyway and constantly saving my flank. No need to rub it in.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight

P.S. Remember it was me who told you to go make a new friend when Celestia discovered I stole her silverware so I am responsible for you having your sweetie! So how about we just call it even?

Dear Yellow Pony,

Yona remembers when purple pony glared at her and yak remembers how yellow pony abused her. Yona also knows yellow pony screws the local vet on a nightly basis. Yona think that yellow pony no qualified to teach at purple pony's school. Yona demands yellow pony's resignation now.

Sincerely,

Yona

Yona,

Look, I abused Twilight because she glared at YOU. Oh and regarding me screwing the vet, who told you this? Was it head bitch, was it that skank guidance counselor who left me for a street magician, was it the one with ADHD, was it the country bumpkin, was it diamond ass or was it the arrogant rainbow maned bitch?

You better tell me or I'll fucking fail you in every single class you have with me and your hairy ass will have to go home.

The Best Teacher,

Fluttershy

To Our Teachers,

At first we all thought you were lame, especially Twilight but eventually we all realized you are awesome, well except for Fluttershy. We all know she is a whore who fucks the vet non-stop and broke head mare Twilight's heart.

Sincerely,

Yona, Gallus, Ocellus, Silverstream, Smolder and Sandbar.

To Our Students,

We are all glad you are here and given that you are all of different species, we know this will show that we are even better teachers. We'll show that asshole Neighsay that different creatures mean ponykind no harm!

Sincerely,

Your Teachers

P.S. Look, I do not fuck the vet! We just have fun together and at least she never tried to rape me like the head bitch did once. Now you better apologize or I will fail ALL OF YOU, got it? - Fluttershy

The Maud Couple

To My Canterlot Friends,

Hi. I am sorry but I have a boyfriend now, his name is Mudbriar. It was fun but I won't be joining in on the orgies anymore. Bye.

Maud

Dear Maud,

What, you have been batting for the wrong team all this time and you never let us know? Face it though girl, we all know that it won't be long until you are missing the horn sex. We all know you'll come running back to us when you realize that Mudbriar's stick simply ain't all that good. Hell we wouldn't be a bit surprised if the damn thing doesn't break off in you and when it does, don't expect us to use our magic to get it out of you.

And technically speaking, his personality sucks! Oh well, things will be better now since it will be all unicorns!

Sincerely,

Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Dear Maud,

How could you like Mudbriar? He is so weird and he has an inanimate object for a pet and his personality is horrible!

Your Best Sister Friend Forever,

Pinkie

Dear Pinkie,

Mudbriar and I like each other because we get one another. If you'd give him a chance you'd see how happy he makes me. Didn't you see how I was actually smiling for the first time in my life?

Sincerely,

Maud

Hey sis,

If you're going to come out to the farm again in the future you better be prepared to work. Marble and I don't bust our flanks for fourteen hours a day, everyday, just so you can come out here and bawl your eyes out just because Maud found herself a boyfriend. Look at it this way, he is making her happy. She is actually smiling now and is talking to somepony other than just you, Starlight and Boulder.

Upset You Are Lazy,

Limestone "The Best Pie Sister" Pie

Dear Limestone,

Why do you always have to be such a bitch? You have never been good to me, ever since I learned how to smile you have treated me like shit. I can't help but wonder if you aren't jealous though. I saw how you acted and what you said when I told you two about him. Now I do know a couple of mares who wouldn't mind a third, maybe you should give them a chance.

Knowing You're Jealous,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I just thought I'd let you that I decided to break Flutterslut's heart. Since I was excluded, I went over to the animal sanctuary, killed that sloth that came from Western Equestria and dropped it on Fluttershy's doorstep. I left with it a note that read, "I was too slow to escape the Sparkle." Pretty sweet, huh?

Killing Sloths Like a Boss,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Adoptive Daughter,

Now that's my girl! You truly are starting to amaze me more and more with every passing day. Yes you will never match Starlight's magical abilities but you do have that thirst for blood and the desire to bring about misery upon those who have wronged you and that counts for a lot! Even though sloths are an endangered species in Equestria, I'll let it slide since it was Fluttershy's pet.

Happy With You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Marble,

We have been talking with your sister and she has said on multiple occasions that you really need to get out and socialize. The six of us are wondering if you wouldn't want to hang out sometime in Twilight's old study tower. Trust us, it would be a life changing experience for you!

Hoping You'll Say Yes,

Starlight, Trixie, Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

To Starlight and Her Friends,

I intercepted your letter and if you six even think about doing anything to my sister again, I will come to Canterlot, break your horns off and haul your asses to Tartarus myself. Marble is vulnerable and naive and it is my duty as her older sister to protect her at all costs, especially from overbearing, sex crazed bitches like you. So if I were you, I would stop thinking about Marble entirely.

Protecting Marble at All Costs,

Limestone "The Best Pie Sister" Pie

Special: Exploits of the Pie Sisters

Several Days Later

Dear Colgate,

I am so glad that you pointed me out to that Fluttershy bitch because Pinkamena and I abducted her, hauled her back out to the rock farm and not only did I bring out her submissive side, she brought out an aggressive side I never knew Marble had. I mean wow, once I got her in there Marble went right after her and damn, she was rough as hell with her.

Marble is usually so quiet and innocent but with Fluttershy, she was loud, very talkative and aggressive in dealing with her. That pegasus was crying and begging for mercy before I even had a chance to get to her. Of course I'm sure you know what happened once I got a hold of her, I had her whimpering like a little baby. I know you aren't fond of her so I'm certain that you would be proud of Marble and myself.

Want to know what is strange. Before this, Marble was always quiet, shy and timid. Now, she is more like me! Yep, she has become a whole lot like me. She is actually talkative, a bit of a bitch as some ponies would put it but I do know one thing, she certainly won't be hitting on that brother of Applejack's that we may be related to anymore. Chances are Applejack will hate her just as much as she does me now.

It is a good thing that our mother and father were out inspecting a secret gem mine that nopony but us and now you know about or we wouldn't have been able to do this. I do want to say, THANK YOU from both of us. Both of us have released years worth of pent up sexual frustration but there is one bit of bad news. The bad news is I'm not sure if we will ever get Fluttershy back into our hooves because she is terrified of us now. Oh well, we got our release and that is what matters.

Happy Shy Helped Us Release,

Limestone "The Best Pie Sister" Pie

Dear Limestone,

Sweet! I am so glad to hear that not only did you two punish that little bitch but that Marble was able to come out of her shell and be more aggressive. I know you are saying that you may not be able to get Fluttershy into your hooves but I think otherwise. You see, I plan on getting the dentist down there in Ponyville shut down so she would have to come up to me. From what I understand, she can never pay her debts off in a timely manner and it is part of my contract that if a customer can't pay, I get to do whatever I want to to them.

What I could do is force her to come up and visit you two, well when your parents are out of town anyway. Hell I'll deliver her to you myself and maybe all three of us could have some fun with her. Now in case you are worried about getting in trouble, you won't. Princess Twilight hates her and since she thinks of Twilight as almost like a daughter now, Celestia won't do anything about it either. Have a good one you two.

Happy You Punished Fluttershy,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Princess Celestia,

You have to do something, I was basically raped by Pinkie's sisters and she didn't even do anything to stop them! Once we got there, her mane and tail went straight, she became Pinkamena and just let her sadistic sisters have their way with me. Pinkie always told me that Limestone was a bitch but her baby sister, Marble, seemed to be even more aggressive. She continued to hoof me and even bite me down south all while yelling about me liberating her from her timidness!

I knew a bit about Marble and I thought we would get along but after this, hell no. Never again will I ever associate with them and while Pinkie is back to her normal self, she is putting her family ahead of her friend! She is putting those sociopath sisters first and I thought she was supposed to be all about laughter, not cackling manically all while her sisters punished me.

Now what makes me the maddest is I learned that Colgate is partially responsible for this! I overheard Marble talking about how happy Colgate would be to learn about what they did to me. Right now I am so mad at Pinkie I can't stand it. Also, I am mad at Twilight because I KNOW that she has the two ponies that would comfort me locked up in her dungeon right now so she can torture them.

I honestly don't know about these so-called "friends" anymore. Pinkie takes me up to get sexually assaulted, Twilight tortures those that I care about, Rainbow puts the Wonderbolts ahead of me, Rarity only puts out for Applejack now and Applejack doesn't even care about my problems. Now don't even bring up Starlight, I am still pissed over her leaving me for that fucking street magician.

Now would you please do something about this. Would you throw Marble and Limestone in Tartarus for raping me and throw Pinkie in the dungeon for just letting it happen? You have no idea how traumatized I am.

Hoping You Will Do Something,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

I must say, that is quite the tall tale you are telling me. Seriously, I know those two sisters and they would never do anything like that. Limestone would never take time away from working the fields to engage in such an activity and Marble is a worse doormat than you were in season one. Now I know Pinkie loves her family but she would never let anything like that happen to anypony, especially one of her friends.

Now I know you are upset over you being my least favorite now but still, you aren't going to cause me to turn against Pinkie or Twilight by making claims like this. Yes I know Twilight has those two in the dungeon but they deserve it. Tree Hugger is a junkie and Dr. Fauna broke her heart so they both deserve it. Now I am having a freshly baked cake delivered to my balcony so I must cut this short.

Not Caring About Your Problems,

Princess Celestia

Dear Pinkie,

I am going to make this short and sweet. You are nothing short of a fucking bitch allowing your sadistic sisters to basically rape me. I hope that you die a miserable, painful death....preferably at the hooves of your bitch sisters.

Mad as Hell,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

You DESERVED this. You deserved it for abandoning the party I was throwing for Crash just like everypony else when that asshole Cheese Sandwich showed up. That was the day that I learned that the whole town was full of backstabbing assholes. I have been containing my anger for a very long time and outside of Starlight, I will eventually get my revenge on everypony, one by one. Consider yourself lucky, Colgate could have came along as well and I know she wants to punish you for that foolish little threat you made against her in season seven.

Getting My Revenge,

Pinkamena Diane Pie

Fake it 'Til You Make It

Dear Josh Hamilton,

What in the hell were you thinking? One Flutterskank was already enough but then you decide to throw three more of them into the mix? Let me guess, you created a duplicate vet for each one of them as well. You should know damn good and well that it was her who broke my heart and there is no need for more than one of her. I am planning on contacting God-Emperor Goldner over this. He will see to it that you are punished and punished severely for duplicating the pony who caused me so many problems.

Hoping You Get Fired,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, the extra Fluttershys were only temporary and none of them wound up causing you any problems. I have some advice, just get over it, alright?

Also, I am a veteran writer and they aren't going to fire me over causing you undue stress with extra Fluttershys. Now I'm sure if I had made fucked up copies of you I might have had to worry but luckily I didn't. Besides, the fandom certainly seems to like them....especially GothShy.

Sincerely,

Josh Hamilton

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are going to be very proud of me. After the episode, I rounded up all four Fluttershys and all four vets and I tortured all of them! Yep, all of them and just to make the hipster Flutterbitch and hipster vet cringe, I brought in some rabid raccoons and had them attack them! Of course after that I had to euthanize the hipsters and I simply decided to exterminate all the other fake Shys and vets, well them along with the rabid raccoons. The originals, I continued to torture them until I figured that they were getting close to death.

After that, I decided to go and visit my old friends and we had so much fun!

Having Fun Torturing and Visiting My Friends,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Sweet! I was wondering what the hell happened to the additional Fluttershys and Dr. Faunas. I am glad to know you are exterminating the excess population, especially those that would likely cause Equestria nothing but trouble. Good job Twily, keep it up and who knows, I may give you a growth potion to make you the same size as Cadence. Not just that but I'd also gladly dissolve Cadence and Shining Armor's marriage and make Cadence your full time sex slave!

Happy With You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rarity,

You see darling, I just had to run these ponies out of your shop because they were undeserving of the things they wanted to buy. - Snooty Fluttershy

I had to evict those smelly raccoons because this boutique is like, a no rodent zone. - Hipster Fluttershy

Their aura of positivity was about to consume me so I had to make them leave. - Goth Fluttershy

I don't get why you thought I would be so good for this job. Couldn't you have got Coco Pommel to do it instead? She's the one who knows so much about fashion! - Normal Fluttershy

To all the Fluttershys, YOU ARE LIKE, SO TERMINATED!

Your Former Boss,

Rarity

Grannies Gone Wild

Dear Applejack,

I can not believe you would tell Rainbow Dash to be a complete wet blanket and not let us have our fun. We save our energy for a whole year so we can do what we want in Las Pegasus. Now that Rainbow is a member of the Gold Horseshoe Gals, she will be our "chaperone" every year from now on and we're all going to have plenty of fun. Your days of dictating our trips to Las Pegasus are over.

Glad Dash is a Gold Horseshoe Gal,

Apple Rose, Auntie Applesauce, Goldie Delicious and Granny Smith

P.S. You're no longer my favorite grandchild. Big Mac is now because he doesn't go giving orders he doesn't have the authority to do. - Granny Smith

To the Gold Horseshoe Gals,

Look, I'm sorry alright. I didn't know you saved all your energy like that. Have fun with Crash from now on and if she winds up letting you get hurt in the future, it will be HER FAULT, not mine.

A Concerned Fellow Apple,

Applejack

Dear Crash,

I don't care if the grannies have invited you into their special group, you will still obey my orders when you five go to Las Pegasus, alright?

Concerned for My Family,

Applejack

Hey AJ,

I'm a Gold Horseshoe Gal now and whatever the five of us decide to do, you can't do a thing about it. You certainly don't want Granny Smith to be upset now do you? You never know, she may decide that Big Mac will be the one to take over the farm.

Proud to be a Gold Horseshoe Gal,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

Yeah I wasn't included once again but you're not going to believe this. I managed to get a horn cap on Minuette so she couldn't dominate me! Finally I was able to dominate her. Pretty sweet, huh?

Finally the Dom,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Don't you lie to me you silly filly. If you five would bother to close the curtains I wouldn't be able to see in. Face it Twily, I saw everything and damn they dominated you!

Equestria's Number One Peeping Tom,

Princess Celestia

Surf and/or Turf

Dear Apple Bloom,

Seriously, your friends can't even make up their minds on where they like better and you three can't help me figure out where I should live? I swear, I think having that Tirek guy I've heard so many bad things about coming and giving me advice would have been more effective than Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo arguing all the damn time. You know something Apple Bloom, I don't get how you can tolerate those two. Sweetie Belle seems to be a bitch and Scootaloo isn't a whole lot better.

I have some advice for you, go do your missions solo from now on. Let Sweetie Belle stay here and live in Harmonizing Heights and let Scootaloo stay in Seaquestria since my mother suddenly thinks she is the most adorable thing ever and suddenly wants to adopt her. Hell I think that would be the best because that orphan could certainly use a caring parent. Trust me, you could do just fine without those two. They are a liability and I strongly advise you toss them out like yesterday's newspaper.

Sincerely,

Terramar

Terramar,

I would love to but we kind of have this crazy cutie mark bond that formed when we helped a bitch in my class realize that she shouldn't be such a worthless little whore anymore. I swear, the more I think about it the more lucky I think you hippogriffs are. You don't have to experience social anxiety over getting a cutie mark nor do you wind up being bound to a couple of idiots because of a cutie mark bond.

Speaking of cutie mark bonds, you know that bitchy lavender Alicorn that came with us? Well she has something similar to that except her and her friends have done things like save Equestria while my "friends" and I have only gone as far as helping creatures solve their problems. What is the worst though is that this huge white Alicorn who is the biggest bitch in Equestria can't even take a little joke. My friends and I printed one little thing about her gluttony when it comes to eating cake and we're on her permanent shit list.

You know what, screw it. If my friends are moving away from Celestia's constant watch, so am I. Now I have a big question for you. Where should I live? Should I join Scootaloo in Seaquestria or should I join Sweetie Bitch, I mean Sweetie Belle up in Harmonizing Heights?

Relocating Out Here,

Apple Bloom

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well my friends and I helped this hippogriff with his problem and now we are having a problem of our own. You see, the three of us want to relocate out here. Thanks to the magic of this pearl thingy, the griffs can turn anypony into a seapony so Scootaloo has decided to relocate to Seaquestria while Sweetie Belle wants to live up on Mount Aris because of this place known as Harmonizing Heights. Now I am really conflicted. Do I come home to Ponyville, do I stay out here and live on Mount Aris with Sweetie Belle, do I move to Seaquestria with Scootaloo or do I simply go back and forth to be with both of my friends?

Wondering Where I Should Live,

Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom,

I have the best suggestion for you. Stay out there! Hell I will even go to Sweet Apple Acres, pack up your belongings and deliver them to you personally if you stay there! Now regarding Mount Aris and Seaquestria, I would advise you go back and forth so you can visit both of them.

Happy You Want to Leave Equestria,

Princess Celestia

P.S. A word of advice though, don't go printing libelous claims about Queen Novo. I'm not sure exactly how she would punish you but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I don't know what to do but the cutie mark cult is wanting to stay out here! Sweetie Belle wants to stay on Mount Aris while Scootaloo wants to live in Seaquestria since swimming is like flying and Apple Bloom has decided to stay down here as well. What am I going to tell their families? I know they will be upset and I know Crash will be devastated that the only pony who has ever truly given a shit about her will be living underwater far, far, far away from her.

What do you think I should do?

Wondering What I Should Do,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Just come home and tell their relatives that the three were eaten by a sea monster, alright. Just to make sure they don't go looking for them, tell them that you saw it swallow them whole. That way we will never have to deal with the little bitches who drug both our names through the mud! It's a win win right?

Glad the CMC Aren't Coming Home,

Princess Celestia

Special: Surf and/or Turf Part 2

Dear Ocean Flow,

I absolutely love it here in Seaquestria! I am curious if you would be willing to adopt me because you see, I am an orphan. One of my friends is a bitch, the other one is kind of a bitch and that lavender Alicorn that joined us, well she can be a bitch as well. Please adopt me, I know you would love me as a daughter.

Hoping to Be Your Daughter,

Scootaloo

Dear Scootaloo,

I am not sure if my sister, Queen Novo, would want a pony living in Seaquestria. Yes she trusts Equestrians now but to have you live with us permanently I'm not sure. I'd love to have you as a daughter but somepony would have to cast an age regression spell on you so you would be like a newborn. Find somepony who will do that and I'll raise you as my own for sure.

Sincerely,

Ocean Flow

Dear Starlight,

From what I understand you can do age regression spells. I want to move to Seaquestria and be the daughter of this seapony named Ocean Flow. To do this though, I have to be age regressed to being a newborn. Please take this into consideration because I want to be a seapony so bad.

Sincerely,

Scootaloo

Dear Scootaloo,

Sorry but Trixie and I have visited Seaquestria on multiple occasions and unless you want an extremely overprotective mother, I would advise you stay on land.

Sincerely,

Starlight "The Best at Magic" Glimmer

P.S. Tell you what, I'll study wing growth spells and once I learn one, I'll cast it on you so you can go flying with Rainbow and I. Would that be acceptable?

Dear Ocean Flow,

I must say that I enjoyed my recent trip to Seaquestria although I was hoping that you and I could do something besides making sea shell necklaces. You see, I only get to see my unicorn friends every so often and I am curious as to how much fun I could have with a seapony. Let me know if you're interested in having some Sparkle added into your life.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know what, my sister is in a state of shock over the letter you sent her. Now let me make myself clear, ocean clear, I will not allow you to harass any of my subjects like that again, ESPECIALLY MY SISTER. I am thinking that the next time anypony comes to Seaquestria, it shall be that unicorn that has so much more magical talent than you, well her and that great and powerful marefriend of hers. I know that she nor Trixie will not try to seduce any seaponies or hippogriffs. I have come to a decision, I have decided to banish you from Seaquestria until further notice.

Upset You Want to Seduce My Sister,

Queen Novo

Dear Princess Twilight,

I just got word that you are suddenly wanting to screw Queen Novo's sister and I have also been notified that you have been banned from returning there until Queen Novo decides you can be trusted. Look, I know you get needy but to try and seduce the Queen's sister and mother of one of your students is just appalling. Next time you get needy please just come visit your friends with benefits, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Queen Novo has requested that the next time somepony from your school has to visit either Mount Aris or Seaquestria over one of Silverstream's permission slips that you send Starlight instead.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, I"m sorry ok? It is just that she is really attractive and really nice. Tell you what, I'll just leave the seaponies alone for now and hope that eventually I can regain Queen Novo's trust, alright?

Hoping Queen Novo Will Trust Me Again,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Horse Play

Dear Kaita Mpambara,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Finally, I got an episode of my own and I have you to thank. You have no idea how long I have waited for this and all these writers that have been around for so long and are allegedly "so great" never gave me my own but you, a new writer, gave me what I deserve. I do hope that you will be writing more episodes because I am the primary princess and I should always be the star. The other writers could learn a lot from you, you are the best!

Loving You As A Writer,

Princess Celestia (aka Nicole Oliver)

Dear Princess Celesta (aka Nicole Oliver),

Well I do have another episode I have written but I am not allowed to share with anypony what it is about. The big brass threatened to fire me if I ever shared that information with anypony, especially you. I am glad that you enjoyed the episode I put you in, even if Twilight was being unpleasant towards you and bashed your acting abilities.

Glad You're Happy,

Kaita Mpambara

Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to let you know something, YOU ARE THE WORST ACTRESS IN THE HISTORY OF EQUESTRIA! Seriously, you couldn't even get charades right with the Method Mares! Hell I honestly think I should have just got Starlight to be the lead actress because I know that if she read over your sun raising spell once or twice she would probably be able to get it right since she seems to be Miss Perfect at everything else.

What really pisses me off though is that you let Flutterbitch have the lead role. Now there are ponies that think she can raise the sun and are worshiping her the way they should be worshiping me! You know what, you can forget me ever trying to do something to glorify you again. Next time, I'll do a play that glorifies Luna because chances are she can actually act and would never spit in my face the way you did.

Upset,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Look, it isn't my fault I'm a lousy actress. When I was a filly, Starswirl made me study all the time and once I had to take over handling the sun and put up with horrible shit like foreign dignitaries and court, I didn't have time to do anything else. I am so sorry that I upset you but I am downright pissed that you have the audacity to think that Starlight could raise my sun. Yes she is incredibly talented and could probably handle raising the moon with no problems but only I can raise my sun!

Ok, I'll admit that Fluttershy was a poor choice for a lead actress and I am not happy with ponies worshiping her either so we'll have to figure something out. Maybe you should work overtime in that dungeon of yours and torture anypony who worships Fluttershy.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twibitch,

It must really suck to be you, huh? Here you think you are so great yet ponies are worshiping ME because they think I can raise the sun! Be sure to tell Celestia thanks because now ponies think she is worthless, Luna is worthless, Cadence is worthless and most of all, they think you are worthless! They think that Queen Fluttershy is the only one they need to take care of them. After all, everypony knows I am sweet, nice and caring and they would pick me over a couple of trolls, a disloyal wife and a grade A bitch.

So Much Better than You,

Queen Fluttershy

Dear Flutterbitch,

Just wait you little vet screwing skank, the second they learn that you really can't raise the sun, they will throw your pathetic flank back into the wastes of worthlessness where it belongs. You can think you are all that but it must bother you so much that I torture the bitches you care about the most on a daily basis and there isn't a thing you can do about it! Even better, Princess Celestia loves it that I torture them all the time! Now shut up or I'll do a whole lot more than make you watch me torture them, I'll whip you like a rented mule if you don't shut up.

Ready to Torture You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Big Sister,

How dare thee raise thy sun during the middle of the night! We are most unhappy with thee and we are also most surprised that thou didst not turn into Daybreaker like we did Nightmare Moon for raising our celestial body at the wrong time! Now we demand an apology from thee and a hundred fritters!

Hungry for Fritters,

Little Sister

Dear Little Sister,

Fine, I'm sorry. I only did this for Twilight's play so it would be a success and don't worry about the fritters. I'll simply summon Applejack to come up to Canterlot and bring you all the fritters you desire, ok?

Sincerely,

Big Sister

P.S. Don't let those little bitches you oversaw cleaning the castle find out about your fritter obsession. They constantly bash me over my cake cravings and I know they'd happily expose you to Equestria and claim you are digging yourself an early grave.

Dear Fluttershy,

I know you must feel proud that you were able to play the role of the hottest, sexiest pony in existence, right? Now since you did such a good job and looked so elegant out there, I am going to make a dream of yours come true. I know what you dream about, Luna shares them with me all the time and apparently you are wanting to get it on with the pony you played.

Now come with me Flutters, fulfill your fantasies, come get a taste of the sun!

Ready to Make Your Fantasies a Reality,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Really, Luna told you about my fantasies involving you? Well, well I will join you but just this once, I don't want Dr. Fauna to get mad at me.

Ready to Fulfill My Fantasies Once,

Fluttershy

Oh My Sexy Fluttershy,

I don't believe just once was an option! Now come join me every Saturday night and maybe I will get Twilight to free Dr. Fauna and Tree Hugger, maybe!

Not Giving You a Choice,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Uhm, ok. Since your not giving me a choice I will join you. I hope I don't disappoint you.

Your New Lover,

Fluttershy

Author's Note

The Parent Map

Dear Princess Twilight,

That map of yours is a fucking troll. Not only does it send me on a map mission with that ugly bookworm but even worse, it sends both of us to our hometown? Look, there was a reason I bolted from that fucking place. My father is an idiot who still thinks that I'm a damn filly. Ok, I get it, the map was broken and needed servicing but still, couldn't it have called me to Trixie's trailer and Sunburst into the center of an active volcano instead?

After my last map mission, I thought that thing was the best thing since shatterproof jars but now, it is as big of a troll as Celestia is. One bit of good news, I got my idiot father to realize I'm a grown mare and also realize that I will determine what home to put him in when he gets old and useless so all is good now.

Mad at the Map,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. While I know you were secretly hoping it would cause Sunburst and I to bond in some fucked up way since you want Trixie now but luckily it didn't happen. Sunburst's mother on the other hoof, let's just say I introduced some GlimGlam into her mundane life.

Dear Starlight,

Wait a minute, you screwed Sunburst's mom? Good grief, I must be rubbing off on you for you to get that needy! I get it, you didn't have Trixie with you but damn, to screw your old friend's mother is something special. I'm actually thinking of telling Trixie unless you bring his mother up as an offering to me and my friends. We have always wanted a more mature mare and now we have a chance to get one! Don't fail me or Trixie may wind up dumping you!

Wanting Sunburst's Mom,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sunburst,

I know you were hoping this idiotic map mission would result in something special. Just so you know, your sexy mom wound up having some GlimGlam added into her mundane life. Even better, I plan on taking Trixie with me the next time I go down there because she wants to experience double penetration.

Screwing Your Mom,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. I tell you, your mom's walls are quite tight. Were you a runt when you were born or were you simply adopted. Just like Trixie's, hers are nice and tight!

Dear Starlight,

Am I reading this right? How could you have the audacity to screw my mom and even worse, why would she consent to you? You know what, our friendship is over. I can not be friends with a mare who seduced and screwed my mom.

Upset,

Sunburst

Dear Starlight,

I must say, you are incredibly hot and your horn is so much better than any stallionhood I ever had in me. I do hope that you continue to come visit me and I know you have a marefriend so you could bring her along too. Assuming she is a unicorn, both of you could have your way with me. I've always wanted to be double penetrated by two hotties.

Looking Forward to Seeing You Again,

Stellar Flare

Dear Stellar,

Well you are incredibly hot too and don't worry, I'll tell Trixie about your desires and I know she will join me. I will be coming back to Sire's Hollow more often not to see my father but to see you! Your walls are so hot and tight, I couldn't imagine life without you now! Just be ready though, you never know when I'll show up!

Ready to Screw You Again,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are not going to believe this but Starlight wound up screwing Sunburst's mom on a map mission! I know in the end she was supposed to get her dad to treat her like an adult but I never thought she would be so needy as to screw her alleged friend's mother. I don't know what Trixie will think of this but I'm sure she won't be happy.

Appalled By Starlight,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You know what the problem is, she is too much like you. You put out for a lot of ponies and now Starlight is screwing Sunburst's mother. Hey, if she is a hottie I don't see what the problem is. Maybe you should join her next time and add a bit of Sparkle to her life.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Trixie,

I just thought that I would let you know that on that map mission I met a really hot mare, Sunburst's' mom to be exact, and let's just say that I gave her a reason to be happy again. Now while she can't get enough of me, I told her about you and she wants us both to give it to her. Let me know what you think.

Your Bestie With Benefits,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

I am not thrilled that you would have the audacity to share your horn with some random mare but since it was Sunburst's mother I will forgive you. Regarding us going and visiting her together, let's do it! I think she needs to know how truly Great and Powerful Trixie is!

Ready to Screw Sunburst's Mom,

Your Bestie With Benefits

Special: Could Celestia Be?

Dear Starlight,

I know you recently returned to Sire's Hollow and made amends with your father and got him to stop treating you like a filly. I am very happy that you were able to get that done, I'm betting your mother is very proud right now. You're going to be shocked but I actually know who your mother is and it wasn't too long after your birth that she had to simply run off for reasons I can not give out.

She desperately wishes she could let herself be known and announce to all of Equestria how proud she is of you but like the reason she had to leave, it is something that I can not explain. Like I said, your mother and I keep in touch regularly and she was ecstatic when I told her that you prefer the company of mares and have a very sexy marefriend. Now I did tell her about your rebellious phase when you were a teen but she wasn't upset. She knew that it was her fault it happened because she wasn't there for you.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Seriously, you know my mother? I want to know something, why did she have to run off right after I was born and have my inept father raise me? Look, a filly always needs her mother there for her, ALWAYS. Let me guess, she committed some sort of crime and you have her locked up or something? If you do, I will release it to all of Equestria that you have the mother of one of the nation's biggest heroes locked up and won't let her tell her daughter she is her mother! Well that and I will have Discord troll you mercilessly, have Thorax put you in a cocoon of ooze and have Trixie set up the firework show for your next birthday. If that doesn't scare you into letting me not only know who my mom is but meet her, I don't know what will.

Hoping to Meet My Mom,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Princess Celestia,

I got a hold of that letter you wrote Starlight and something doesn't seem right here. You know her mother and for some odd reason she can't reveal herself and she had to leave her at birth. Hell the way you're talking it seems like the birth would have caused some sort of scandal if she let it be known.

Wait a minute, are you saying that YOU are Starlight's mother? Are you saying that you were worried that a royal scandal would erupt over her birth. If you are Starlight's mother, you really need to let her know and while I hate to say it, you need to make her a princess and ascend her.

Hey, if she is of a royal bloodline, she needs to be up there with you and your sister and having an equal share in power. I suppose I should have known though since she constantly outshines me. If that is the case, I just hope she doesn't start trolling me the same way you do.

Curious,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, I know that Starlight constantly outshines you but regarding the identity of her mother, that information is classified and must remain classified. I know you will probably approach her over this and share this speculation with her but like I said, the identity of her mother is classified.

Princess Celestia

Non-Complete Clause

To My Students,

I want to know something, why in the fuck do you keep nominating Flutterslut to be the teacher of the month? What is it, is she teaching you all the art of seduction and you love it? Is it because she brings her dumb animals in and doesn't give you any homework? Is it because she invites Dr. Fauna in and gives you all live pornos as part of your sex-ed courses? Whatever it is, it is going to stop.

Remember, I run this school and I could easily boot you all out and send you home. Want to know something else, I could simply tell your nations' leaders that you were failing. Oh and Featherbangs, I mean Sandbar, I know about that new mayor out in Our Town. I know how weak he is and I could easily fail you and he wouldn't even think twice about it. Long story short, if you six value your time together, you'll nominate anypony except Flutterskank for teacher of the month.

Controlling Your Destiny,

Head Mare Twilight Sparkle

To the Head Mare,

Look, she is just really nice. There are five of us who always nominate her because she doesn't give us homework and we like seeing all her animals. Oh and for your information, she has never once tried to teach us sex-ed nor has she brought that vet in to give us all a porno although Sandbar really wishes she would....well that and then let him join them. Yeah Sandbar is a bit of a perv but what pony wouldn't be when it comes to Professor Shy.

Sincerely,

Gallus, Ocellus, Silverstream, Smolder and Sandbar

P.S. Yona never nominate slutty yellow pony. Yona always nominate purple pony for teacher of the month. Yona knows purple pony care most about her....and this month, Yona nominates purple pony for teacher of the month. - Yona

To Our Students,

We are sorry for being such bitches during that field trip. We will admit, we have been overly competitive ever since season one. But look at it this way, you did learn what friends do by doing the complete opposite of what we did so it's not like you didn't learn anything!

Sincerely,

Applejack and Rainbow Dash

To Applejack and Professor Egghead,

That was actually quite the fun field trip. Yeah we got to see two ponies show us the polar opposite of friendship and that is what helped us learn a friendship lesson. We do have some advice though, go and talk to Starlight. I'm sure you could use a bit of counseling and given she has always guided Twilight in the right direction, I'm sure she could you too.

Sincerely,

Your Students

P.S. You're welcome for us saving your flanks and preventing you from becoming fish food.

Dear Crash,

What part of slow and steady don't you get. You can't build an apple shed in nothing flat and expect it to hold together. You have to actually put some effort into things and while you may think it will, poorly built sheds will not teach the students anything. Next time I'm going to teach them a friendship lesson ON MY OWN!

Always the Better Professor,

Applejack

Dear AJ,

Seriously, you think slow things are going to impress them? Didn't you hear how Smolder wasn't thrilled with how we weren't moving at all in the canoe for a while? Just you wait though, despite us being total bitches, I bet they will all nominate us for teacher of the month, not Flutterslut.

A Soon to be Teacher of the Month,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia,

We are really glad that Applejack and Professor Egghead took our best students out on a field trip because we really needed to unwind. Luckily Starlight's office has good thick walls so hopefully nocreature heard us moaning and squealing.

Unwinding (A lot),

Head Mare Twilight Sparkle and Guidance Counselor Starlight Glimmer

Dear Twilight and Starlight,

Good grief, you two can't even contain your urges while you are on the job? Those six star students may not know anything is going on but some of the other students do. Several ponies heard odd noises coming from Starlight's office and then wrote to me. They are now requesting that I boot both of you out of the school, have Yona become head yak and make Gallus the guidance counselor. I can't wait until you two have to explain this away to the student body.

Disappointed in Both of You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Twilight, you can forget about Yona nominating you for best teacher in the future. She already hates Fluttershy because she is a ho and now she will feel the same way about you and Starlight. Chances are she will nominate Crash from now on.

P.S.S. Starlight, I can't wait to tell Trixie about this! I don't know what she will do when she finds out you and Twilight did something but I have a feeling you probably won't like it. Want to know what is funny, I have that old Twicane up here and I plan on letting Trixie borrow it!

Special: Twilight's Wrath over H&H Day

Dear Princess Celestia,

Like I let you know before, I decided to take matters into my own hooves since you are too bought off to ban this miserable holiday. Now I'm going to let you in on something, never before in my life have I ever had as much fun as I did!

As you know I had Lyra imprisoned in my sleeping chambers and I also wound up abducting a trio of hot earth ponies to join me in something special. Now I decided to invite my old friends down and I had the ultimate release, a nine mare orgy! Yep, me, my old friends, three hot florists and Lyra all engaged in a ton of fun. Now I'm not sure if Lyra would agree but hey, she needed to be punished for running off the way she did. One thing I'm sure you'll be happy to hear about, all five of us showed Lyra what a REAL MARE can give her. Hell, we even let the florists have their way with her.

Now as far as the rest of us go, we gave it to one another all night and we also gave it to those florists and guess what? Now those three little hotties can't get enough of us and outside of one another, have decided that only unicorns and Alicorns will do. Yep, they became addicted to the horn sex and now will either visit me or my old friends. Oh and I want to warn you about something, one of the florists, Roseluck, will scream "The horror, oh the horror!" when one of us gives it to her rough. It may sound bad but trust me, she loves it!

Now for some more fun news, together all of us rounded up as many couples as we could and hauled them down to the dungeon to punish them. As you know, I have a dozen sub-par cells but I'm experiencing an overcrowding situation but I don't care. Yes they can barely move around and can't even sit on the toilets comfortably but oh well, they should not have violated my law against Hearts and Hooves Day! Hey if the mares were merely engaging in meaningless sexy times with one another it would have been fine but a lot of them were with stallions. Ugh, now that is downright disgusting! What a shame the other unicorn mares down here wouldn't have gone to your school, they'd know mares are where it is at.

Now are all of my prisoners crammed in cells? No they are not. That junkie is strapped into a device where I can continue to yank on her legs to the point of where I almost dislocate them. Hey, it would be no fun to simply rip them out at the very start! Also, remember that vet Flutterbitch screwed all the time? Well I abducted her yesterday, strapped her to a table and me and my friends decided to rip her a few new holes. Hell even Lyra decided to join in on the fun.

I am hoping that this will teach that fucking vet to never cross my path unless she wants to feel not just my wrath, but be an instrument for my friends and I to release all our pent up frustration upon. She knew I was enraged over what she did and began to cry and beg for mercy from me when I had my horn rammed up in her. The fun thing, the more she begged, the rougher I was with her. Now I know she will go cry to Fluttershy about this and if Flutters winds up coming to me and throws a fit, she'll get the same treatment. Nopony crosses the path of Princess Twilight Sparkle and gets away with it, NOPONY!

Also, we decided to punish Bon Bon too. Now we didn't give her anything special. We simply broke all four of her legs, shaved her cutie mark off of her and broke her muzzle. What a shame Starlight and Trixie ran off to Las Pegasus, she could have stole her cutie mark, put it in a shatterproof jar and I could have turned it into a knick-nack for my mantle. What was the funnest, when we all had our horns pointed at Lyra when we forced her to stomp her until she had a concussion. I tell you, Lyra is much more of a doormat than she used to be. Back in the day you'd swear her and Minuette were sisters with the way she was but now, she did as she was ordered to do.

Sorry I didn't write my Hearts and Hooves Day report earlier but three straight days of sexy times and brutal torture tends to make a pony forget about the responsibilities she has.

Had the Best Hearts and Hooves Weekend Ever,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Do you think you could take some of my prisoners in? I discovered that you literally can't force more than four stallions into a cell and five mares into a cell and I have run out of room! I certainly can't have them wandering around free in the dungeon and I certainly don't feel like putting up with the stallions anymore. The bastards are always giving me smiles hoping I'll release them and it is getting disgusting. If you take them off my hooves, I'll make it worth your while.

Dear Princess Twilight,

All I can say is WOW! Now this is the Twilight Sparkle I raised! For so long I thought you didn't quite have it in you, for a while you were too much of a fucking doormat to do it, for too long you needed time to heal but now, now I know you can and will properly execute your duties as a princess of Equestria.

When you said that you were going to ban Hearts and Hooves Day down there, I never imagined you would take things to a level that even I wouldn't think of. I am very proud of you Twilight, you abolished a useless holiday, punished those who celebrate it, brutally punished those who betrayed you, punished a pony who betrayed me and tied the record for the biggest orgy in Equestrian history.

Now I am also thrilled to hear that you are punishing that junkie. Drug addiction and drug possession are serious problems here in Equestria and if you can even take one off the streets, Equestria will be a much better place. Now regarding not doing anything besides that, I don't blame you. She is one of those types that would be unfit to do anything with!

Now regarding that vet, I am so happy that all of you decided to give it to her rough. With any luck she will turn out like those florists and only want unicorns and Alicorns in the future. Now that would be hilarious, Fluttershy crying and whining about how Dr. Fauna dumped her and decides to pursue every hot unicorn in town. Now that would be priceless!

Regarding Bon Bon, she is another one of those types that most mares wouldn't want to do anything with given she constantly has a scowl on her face so simply breaking her legs was likely the right call. Just be sure and force feed her moldy bread and make her drink dirty water to make it all the funner, alright?

While I am very proud of you I am also very disappointed. I am disappointed because you had the audacity to not invite me to this. You know how much fun I would have had with all of you, both when it came to the orgy and the torturing. Just think, had you invited me, you could have broke the record for the biggest orgy. Come on Twilight, next time you decide to do something like this, invite me!

Wishing You Would Have Invited Me,

Princess Celestia

Molt Down

Dear Princess Celestia,

You're not going to believe this but you know those puberty blockers Twilight has been feeding me since season 2? Well they stopped working and I finally molted. Yep, I finally have my wings and I can fly around like a boss. Even better, I have a fire breath that would put that bastard Garble's to shame!

Now I did have my concerns when this happened because Smolder told me about what happens to dragons when they start to molt out in the dragon lands, their family kicks them out. Naturally I hate being enslaved by Princess Bitchy Pants but hey, she does provide food and shelter for me so even though I'm not free, at least I have a supply of gems coming in.

Oh and guess what, I saved Zecora and Rarity! Now I was really hoping that Rarity would "thank me" in the way a damsel in distress should when she is rescued but oh no, that would be asking for way too much. Want to know what she did, she is now making me use my wings to help her sew her damn dresses together. You know what, if she didn't have the ability to find gems, I would have just let her go splat or let the roc eat her. Luckily Zecora is ok though, had she perished Equestria would have lost a model citizen and we'd have nozebra to make potions for us anymore.

Sincerely,

Spike the Flying Dragon

P.S. Could you force Rarity to teach one of Twilight's old friends her gem finding spell and replace her with one of them. They are all nice but replace her with Twinkleshine, you know how attracted to marshmallows I am.

Dear Spike,

What, Twilight has been feeding you puberty blockers? Does she not know how illegal that is? Damn and here I was hoping that her and I could completely repair our relationship but this is a major step backwards. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with her. Give me an idea as to what should be done, alright.

Always Been Flying,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am sorry but I will not replace Rarity with Twinkleshine. For years you have wanted Rarity to have some use for you and now that she does, you are bitching about it? What next, is Rarity going to offer to put out for you and you'll bitch about it because she'd make you take part in fashion shows in exchange? Look, just be happy she wants to spend time with you, alright?

Also, Twinkleshine has done nothing to warrant banishment to that dump. I do want you to know that Twinkleshine does have a protector, a very sadistic protector who would rip you to shreds if you tried to do anything to her. Sorry Spikey-Wikey but you're stuck being Rarity's fashion slave.

Dear Twilight,

So from what I understand you have been feeding Spike puberty blockers for years. Now I know why it took him so long to finally molt. Now I am going to let you know that I am extremely disappointed in you. I am so disappointed that I may actually have Starlight cast that age-regression spell on you. Hell I'll have her age regress you into a newborn and raise you from there.

Tell me Twily, how would you have felt had I force fed you those things and you would have remained an adorable filly for much longer than you should have? That would have really sucked now wouldn't it? Just be glad this didn't happen prior to you getting your heart broken because I would have had Starlight age regress you back then AND not only ascend her without Goldner's permission but gave her your castle and crown as well.

Now you better apologize to Spike for doing this. Just think, had you not fed him those damn things, he could have became Dragon Lord, abandoned you and probably had Ember as his wife by now!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, I thought it was something that all ponies did that had baby dragons as their slaves, I mean assistants. I thought you were supposed to give them those so you'll always have them there to do whatever you wanted. Well thanks to this damn molt he went through, he is more arrogant than ever. Well I suppose it ain't all bad since he has been enslaved by Rarity now. That will give me more time to torture undesirables in peace, well that and go visit my friends up there in Canterlot.

I am now betting that it won't be long until he will want to go to the dragon lands and show up Garble since his breath is so bad he could incinerate Ponyville with one breath. Personally I hope he does. Maybe if Ember sees him strut his stuff like that, she will marry him and I will be rid of him, his ego and his pyro breath.

Hoping to Get Rid of Spike,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Spike,

So I understand you are wanting Twinkleshine. Guess what, that ain't going to happen because she is MINE! If you so much as even flirt with her, I'll rip those brand new wings out with my teeth, got it?

Sincerely,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Colgate,

Good grief bitch, just calm down already. I simply talked to Celestia about it, it's not like I actually have any plans to try and woo her into my bed!

Sincerely,

Spike

The Mean Six

Dear Princess Celestia,

I don't know what the hell was going on with my friends today but they seemed to be having serious personality problems. I don't know if they all have multiple personalities, were just practicing so they can really mess with the students when exams are coming or what. Trust me though, they were being complete bitches to one another and when it came to Flutterbitch, her personality actually improved for a bit.

Get this, for a brief while she was actually respectable again, especially when she was being mean to the animals and being a bitch to everypony else. I was honestly thinking of asking her if she would be interested in joining me in torturing some undesirables but then she had to go back to her Flutterslut personality. After that it was, fuck that shit, she ain't worth my time.

In the end our little outing went ok except for the fact that our campsite was ruined. I do hope the next time we do this, the bitchy Fluttershy will return and remain bitchy. At least that one didn't give me any bad memories.

Upset Bitchy Shy Didn't Stay,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You know something, I don't care. This has to be the worst letter I have got from you in a while. I do hope you aren't reverting back to your whiny little self, especially since you didn't bitch much about Fluttershy. So help me if you are, you can forget about us becoming like mother and daughter again! We will simply be fellow princesses that hate one another.

Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

To My Friends,

You know what, enough of this camping shit. I simply ain't into it. I have much better things to do with my time such as having fun with Trixie and study on how to ascend myself, alright?

Hoping to Ascend Myself,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Look, don't try and ascend yourself ok? Twilight told us once that it was because of her studying that, Celestia decided to banish her to Ponyville. You don't want Twilight banishing you to the Crystal Empire and making you have to deal with that freak nerd on a regular basis, do you? Just have fun with Trixie and everything will be fine!

Sincerely,

Your Friends

To My Failure Creations,

You know what, you bitches failed. You couldn't behave even remotely like the real thing and Twilight, you are the worst of them all. Personally I'm glad the Tree of Harmony killed all of you, especially you, because I know you wanted my power. I know you were a disloyal little cunt who would have killed me the first chance you got. Luckily for me, I don't have to worry about that. I'll just find another way to crush Starlight Glimmer's pathetic love infested heart.

Still Wanting Revenge,

Queen Chrysalis

To Queen Bitch,

Face it loser, you'll NEVER be able to defeat Starlight Glimmer. You can go on and on about how you will but you have been defeated by love TWICE and the love in her and Trixie's hearts will destroy you! You should have just resigned yourself to being our slave because WE could have defeated her.

You know what, fuck this shit. We will find a way to be resurrected and we will kill you. If we can find our way into Tartarus, we'll free this necromancer goat, he will resurrect us and then your ass will be screwed!

Ready to Destroy You,

The Ghosts of Your Creations

Yakity-Sax

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that Pinkie is a grade A moron and even more obsessed with yaks. In her less than infinite wisdom, she wound up getting a yovidaphone and was playing it non-stop. She may have thought she sounded good but for fuck's sake, she sounded horrible. To make matters worse, she kept on playing that damn thing for hours on end for days on end and was making the whole town miserable.

Finally we told her that she sounded like shit and then she turns into Pinkamena and her mood destroys everything she walks by. Now yeah, her Pinkamena mood was a vast improvement over her shitty music and her undiagnosed ADHD but still, she was making things horrible around here. Finally she decided to relocate to Yayyakistan so she could learn how to properly play that damn yovidaphone.

Now had this happened prior to me befriending all of them, I would have simply sent a request for you to send Twinkleshine down and took off from there but I figured we may as well go and drag her ass back home. What we found up there was a gray pony sulking and listening to a yak making beautiful music with that instrument. I knew we couldn't just let her stay up there so I conned the yaks into letting her play and once she got to playing her hideous music, she returned to her normal, overly hyper self.

Now here is the weird thing, despite her sounding like shit, the yaks loved it. I did learn one thing, the yovidaphone is an instrument of happiness and since playing it makes her happy, the yaks said she was perfect. Good grief, are those idiots deaf or something?

We finally brought Pinkie home and just to release some stress, I abducted the vet and tortured her for a bit. While it certainly didn't get that horrible din out of my mind, it did help me de-stress a bit.

Hating Pinkie and Her Yovidaphone,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Seriously, all of you are so judgmental that you wound up belittling Pinkie over her playing the yovidaphone? Yeah it was so loud I could hear it all the way up here but she didn't sound that bad! Look, I thought you had befriended Pinkie but now here you are treating her like shit? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though since I raised you to be like me. Hey, that beats you being a miserable, pathetic doormat!

Now I am glad to know you tortured that vet though. If torturing makes you happy, more power to you.

Your Adoptive Mother,

Princess Celestia

To My Friends,

You are all horrible bitches! I love playing the yovidaphone and you belittle me over it! You know what, at least the yaks don't judge me. At least they know it makes me happy. You could learn a lot from the yaks, the yaks appreciate happiness a whole lot more than you and you're supposed to be my best friends. Hell I still am contemplating relocating to Yakyakistan to escape your judgmental nature.

Upset You are Judgmental,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Look, we're sorry. We're sorry for being judgmental but you did sound terrible. You butcher that thing while the yaks make beautiful music with it. While we hate to say it, maybe you should just take up playing the banjo as a hobby instead.

Sincerely,

Your Friends

To Pink Pony's Friends,

Why do ponies judge pink pony over her playing? Her playing doesn't matter. The yovidaphone makes pink pony happy so her playing is perfect.

Sincerely,

The Yaks

To the Yaks,

Ugh, we're going to have to apologize to you too? Apologizing to Pinkie over her shitty playing was bad enough but apologizing to you is worse! If you want her to keep playing, then make sure she only does it up there!

Sincerely,

Pink Pony's Friends

Dear Pink Pony,

Don't listen to Pink Pony's friends, Pink Pony's yovidaphone playing is perfect because it makes Pink Pony happy. Feel free to return, we all love Pink Pony's playing because it is perfect.

Sincerely,

The Yaks

To the Yaks,

Thanks! Pink Pony thinks Pink Pony will come up on a regular basis because at least yaks won't judge Pink Pony and are happy for Pink Pony.

Sincerely,

Pink Pony

A Matter of Principals

Dear Twilight,

Well things went alright for the most part while you were gone but I did have a minor problem with Discord causing some problems. They weren't too bad, nothing I couldn't handle on my own. Oh and you might want to get that dragon sneeze tree that Discord hired as a teacher out of the building. It is causing Spike and Smolder to sneeze quite a bit.

The World's Hottest Guidance Counselor,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Discord,

What the fuck was up with that? Were you really that fucking jealous that you had to not only make my life a living hell but traumatize the students as well? You better be glad I only used just enough magic to banish your body from the school. If you pull this shit again, I will use my full force against you and you want to know what would happen if I did that?

Here is the thing Discord, other ponies may be nice and simply turn you into stone but my magic is good enough that I could tear you to shreds. My magic is so good that I could be the undoing of you entirely so if you know what is good for you, you will stop being such a fucking crybaby. Look, Twilight put me in charge because if any problems arise, she knows I will fuck the instigator up and fuck them up royally.

Now if you are going to go demanding an apology from anypony, make Twilight apologize. She is the one who didn't even think about putting you in as temporary school master. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go and "calm Twilight down" since you sent them on a fake map mission just so you could pull this stunt.

Ready to "Calm Down" Twilight,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

What the Great and Powerful Trixie wants to know is why is it that you are constantly having to calm Twilight down. The least you could do is share her. Look, I am your marefriend and giving Twilight your horn is unacceptable. Just let Trixie help you calm her down and we will let bygones be bygones, alright?

Your Sexy Marefriend,

Trixie

Dear Discord,

Why the hell would you send my friends and I on a fake map mission to the absolute middle of nowhere? You realize that since you messed with that thing that it will need servicing don't you? Just you wait, I'll let Celestia know that you are responsible because the last thing I need is her bitching about me doing something to the map to cause it to malfunciton, such as having fun with Starlight and Trixie on it!

Angry You Screwed Up the Map,

Head Mare Twilight

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am thoroughly pissed right now. Discord fucked with the map and caused my friends and I to go on a false friendship mission. To top that off, he caused Starlight some problems but from what I understand, Starlight nearly blew him apart with her magic! Look, we need our Lord of Chaos and I know Starlight took it easy on him. Had she not, we would have found Discord's torn apart body laying out there in the schoolyard. Now what I plan on doing here I'm not sure but as for right now, Starlight needs to calm me down.

Ready to be "Calmed Down,"

Head Mare Twilight

Dear Twilight,

So Starlight is at it again huh? Once again she is proving her magic to be much more powerful than yours? Now you know I think of you as a daughter again but I still wonder why you aren't as powerful as Starlight. I basically raised you and Starlight simply came out of the middle of nowhere and she owns you! Perhaps I ascended you too soon but oh well, can't go back. Well technically I could but Starlight will probably say no on time travel these days.

Oh and regarding Discord, he was just having some fun so don't be too hard on him. I saw his antics from afar and I must say, he provided me with plenty of laughs. Now don't have too much fun with your guidance counselor, I know you get your urges but please take them to your castle, that friendship school doesn't say anything about benefits!

Finding this Humorous,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

Look, I am simply upset that you have never once asked me to help you with your friendship school. Here I thought we were friends but you act like I don't even exist and instead of giving a fun loving individual such as myself the position of schoolmaster, you give it to a short tempered over-powered unicorn solely because she shows you a good time?

I can't wait to tell all your students about you and your exploits with Starlight. They will never look at you the same way again!

Just Having Fun,

Discord

Dear Trixie,

Look, I'm sorry alright. Come and meet Twilight and I in the castle for supper and then we can help her calm down, alright?

Your Hot Marefriend,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Look, I'm just upset. It seems like everypony always puts you ahead of me. Need somepony with powerful magic, STARLIGHT! Need somepony to provide advice, STARLIGHT! Need somepony to save the day, STARLIGHT!

Now don't make me laugh Starlight. Yes you have powerful magic but if you think you could honestly destroy the Lord of Chaos with just your magic, you're wrong. You may have powerful magic but nopony, not even Princess Celestia and Princess Luna could destroy me. Nice try but now you better go and comfort your old pal Twilight, she really needs it!

Indestructible,

Discord

Dear Starlight,

I know about the problems Discord caused but get to my castle NOW. I am in desperate need of unwinding and you are the only one who can give me the attention I need. Hell you can even bring Trixie because I know how upset she gets when you share your horn with me.

Looking Forward to Tonight,

Head Mare Twilight

The Hearth's Warming Club

To My Friends,

I'm sorry I screwed up the flaming heart on top of the tree. I know you were looking forward to going back to your homes and your families. I guess I was just jealous because all of you have such wonderful traditions and such wonderful holidays you all celebrate while all us griffons do is bitch and complain about everything. I do hope you're not too mad at me.

Hoping You'll Forgive Me,

Gallus

Gallus,

It's ok, we forgive you. We know you want to spend the holiday with your friends instead of your family since they aren't that nice to you.

Sincerely,

Your Friends

Dear Gallus,

I am not very happy with you right now. Thanks to your selfishness, now we are going to have to stay here and babysit you rather than going off to Las Pegasus for the holiday to escape the cold. Just so you know, I will dock points off of every exam you take from me. Wait a minute, that is ALL of you since your friends are staying put too. Be sure and tell them this too because keeping your superiors away from what they desire is not a very wise idea.

Upset With You,

Head Mare Twilight Sparkle & Guidance Counselor Starlight Glimmer

Head Mare Twilight & Guidance Counselor Starlight,

Oh please, we all know why you're really upset. If you think that none of us know what is really going on between you two you are mistaken. Other students have told us what goes on between you two. Cozy Glow told us all about what she heard when she was spying on you two. You two can claim to be all innocent and act like Professor Fluttershy is the only ho in this school but we know better.

Disappointed in You,

Gallus, Smolder, Silverstreak, Yona, Sandbar and Ocellus

P.S. Yona know about purple pony's true nature now. Yona no longer nominate purple pony as teacher of the month. - Yona

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am thoroughly pissed right now. Starlight, Trixie and I were planning a trip to Las Pegasus for the holiday but one of our students decided to ruin the flaming heart on top of the Hearth's Warming tree and as a punishment, he had to stay here and in their less than infinite wisdom, all his friends decided to stay since griffons do nothing but bitch and don't have any good holidays.

I just hope that having to babysit those six don't take away from my torturing time and I certainly hope it doesn't take fun time away because you know bitchy I can get if I don't have my fun.

Upset With a Student,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You know this situation is your fault. If you had just let that student go home or perhaps expelled him, you and your lovers could have just ran off to Las Pegasus but oh well. Thanks to your desire to punish students, you're stuck in the snow and cold! It could be worse though, you could be without your primary lover and her sweetie so it ain't all bad, right?

Happy You're Stuck in the Cold,

Princess Celestia

Friendship University

Dear Starswirl,

I want to know something, how in the hell could you not see past Flim and Flam? Come on, you are the greatest wizard in the history of Equestria but you honestly think those con-ponies would be running a legitimate university? For Celestia's sake, they simply took every other page out of my book to teach it to their students! Yes the classes were free but they charged for the worksheets! Now if that doesn't reek of a scam, I don't know what would!

Now I would appreciate it if you came to my school and study friendship with me and my friends. We are the poster ponies of friendship and you'll learn a lot more from us than you ever would those two!

The Only REAL Friendship Teacher,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To Old Pony,

Yona is student at Purple Pony's school and wants old pony to know that purple pony and light pink pony screw on school grounds. Also, yellow pony screws the local vet constantly so maybe purple pony's school won't work for old pony. Yona thinks old pony should teach for big white pony in fancy city.

Purple Pony's Best Student,

Yona

Yona,

What, you mean to tell me that Twilight screws Starlight on school grounds and that Fluttershy screws the local vet? Well there goes my respect for Twilight and perhaps I will take your advice. I know Princess Celestia will be glad to have me teach at her school. Perhaps if I go there to teach, you could join me and be my best student ever.

Sincerely,

Starswirl the Bearded

Dear Twilight,

I am very disappointed in you. I always had a feeling from the moment that I met you that you and Starlight may have done things together but seriously, getting it on on school grounds? Luckily for me, your best student told me about your activities so I have decided that I will not come to your school. This wonderful, polite caring yak simply wants what is best for me so I'm headed to Canterlot. I know Celestia needs a teacher since Luna sleeps during the day and Celestia is too busy stuffing her face with cake to bother with anything else. Oh well, at least she only eats cake and not her guidance counselor.

Very Disappointed,

Starswirl the Bearded

Chancellor Neighsay,

Why the hell would you give full EEA accreditation to a fucking diploma mill? I would think that even the likes of you would be able to tell those con-ponies were just running a scam school so they could expand their resort. This is yet another reason Princess Celestia needs to abolish the EEA, throw you into Tartarus and put me in charge of everything! Just wait you speciesist asshole, one day you will learn that there are ponies out there you shouldn't trust and other creatures that you should.

Hating Your Guts,

Head Mare Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

I did it to spite you. I know those two have a rough past with your shitty little town and given that they were competitors of yours, I saw a chance to shut your sorry excuse for a school down. Just wait though, one day those creatures will rebel against you, overthrow you and take that school for themselves....especially that yak. She is stronger than any of you and would have no problems taking you out, all of you out.

Still Favoring Ponies,

Chancellor Neighsay

Dear Twilight,

Come now, we meant no harm with our university. We were only trying to make an honest living with our school yet you are so jealous that you have to snoop around and discover things that nopony should know about. You know, we were going to use that money to re-open the Wild Blue Yonder. We'll be sure to tell that blue pegasus friend of yours and we know for certain she will not be happy with you.

Sincerely,

Flim and Flam

Flim and Flam,

Oh please, I did Equestria a favor by exposing that diploma mill you were running. You were making money off of MY friendship lessons. To top that off, you two care nothing about friendship. All you two care about is conning ponies out of their money like you always have. If anything, you two need to come to my school and study friendship, not open your own cut rate copycat sham.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe it? Can you believe that Flim and Flam would have the audacity to open their own friendship school? What a bunch of assholes, trying to capitalize on something that I should have a monopoly over. What is worse is that Neighsay gave them full accreditation when he discovered that Starswirl had been conned into studying there! We need to do something! We need to banish those two to the moon!

Upset with Flim and Flam,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

While I am upset with the scam those two were running, that is not the biggest issue I have. From what I understand, you and Starlight's squealing was heard by sweet, innocent Yona and I am not happy with the two of you. I know you get your urges but couldn't you at least wait to release that stress until you are in your own sleeping chambers? I just hope that Yona doesn't tell Prince Rutheford about this because that is the last thing we need, rumors regarding the head mare and guidance counselor bucking in the school.

Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

The End in Friend

To Our Students,

We are sorry that we set a bad example for friendship. You see, we are friends but we really don't like the same things and that can lead to conflict. Here is the thing though, trying to find that amulet brought us closer together and we did face dangers together that brought out a genuine concern for one another. For instance, we ran across a toad that had a breath that stunk so bad it would puke a maggot off of a gut wagon.

We definitely don't like the same books nor do we agree on what constitutes as a fun activity but you see how things turned out in the end. We are good friends!

Hoping We Taught You a Lesson,

Professor Rarity and Professor Egghead

To Our Professors,

We aren't really sure if you are friends or if you weren't simply acting. Come on, the way you two were acting there for a while was more the way how enemies would act. We all suppose it could be worse. You all could be like the head mare and the guidance counselor who can't contain their urges or you could be like Professor Sluttershy and be screwing the vet all the time.

Your Students,

Yona, Gallus, Silverstream, Ocellus, Sandbar and Smolder

Dear Princess Celestia,

Guess what? Crash and Rarity wound up teaching our students that they are friends in the end even though they had a serious blow up and nearly ended their friendship right in front of them. I'm not sure quite what to do about this but I'm not going to worry too much about it. From what those two told me, I still have bigger concerns, such as trying to get our students to forget about what Starlight and I do in her office. Get this, our six best students brought that up in a letter to Rarity and Crash, claiming that at least they aren't like me and Starlight! It ain't all bad though because they did bring up Fluttershy's promiscuity as well.

Hoping They'll Forget About Me and Starlight,

Head Mare Twilight

Twilight,

Well that is sweet that they wound up teaching those students a lesson but I honestly don't care. I think you need to teach those students of yours another lesson. You need to haul them down to your dungeon and teach them what happens to drug users. You need to torture that junkie in front of them, scare them into remaining clean. Do that and everything will be fine, alright?

Hoping You'll Teach Your Students to Stay Clean,

Princess Celestia

Road to Friendship

Dear Starlight,

How could you? How could you just trade The Great and Powerful Trixie's wagon to that Saddle Arabian unicorn when it wasn't even yours to trade away? Look, I know his much larger wagon would have given us room to have fun on the road but still, it is the principle of the matter! If you still want there to be a chance of us getting married someday you better apologize to The Great and Powerful Trixie! If you don't, The Great and Powerful Trixie will leave and you can try and hook up with Princess Bitchy Pants instead!

Also, you better be glad we were able to get The Great and Powerful Trixie's wagon back. Had we not been able to, she would never have been able to forgive you, EVER!

Upset You Traded The Great and Powerful Trixie's Wagon Away,

Your Upset Marefriend.....The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Trixie,

I'm sorry, ok? I just wanted us to have more room and on top of the wagon swap, I got those amazing robes too! Thanks to you, I had to give those back! There would have been ones for you too. Just think how much better we could have looked than anypony else in town. Those robes would have put anything Rarity has ever made to shame. Perhaps it was all for the best though, that wagon was incredibly hard to pull. Again I'm sorry and I do hope you will forgive me.

Sorry I Traded Your Wagon Away,

Your Hot Marefriend.....Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Well The Great and Powerful Trixie thinks that your apology may have been insincere and forced but she forgives you. Trixie just couldn't imagine a future without you.

Loving You Always,

Trixie Lulamoon

Dear Cadence,

I am glad that you and I were able to finally re-establish that close sister-in-law relationship we used to have. I guess seeing how close Trixie and Starlight are made you realize that you just couldn't live without any Sparkle in your life. Damn though, you're still just as good as ever and your walls are still just as tight as ever. I honestly wonder if you and Shining Armor really did anything at all. Perhaps you were just waiting for the right moment for the Sparkle to take you back?

Your Hot Sister-in-Law,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

I'm going to be honest, I have been lying to you about so much. Shining still hasn't forgiven me and he still won't put out and I needed some action so bad I couldn't stand it! You are still just as good as ever and I am seriously thinking about waiting until the right moment to divorce your brother and marry you. Just imagine, you and me ruling up in the Crystal Empire, ignoring our subjects, letting the nanny raise Flurry and bucking all day, every day! Oh the thoughts of that are making me so wet! Don't worry sweetie, our time will come and we will be married.

Now regarding Ponyville, my Aunt has been talking about ascending Starlight eventually so maybe that would be our chance to make our dreams come true.

Love Always,

Princess Cadence

Dear Princess Celestia,

You're not going to believe it but Cadence and I are engaging in "sister-in-law bonding" again. Oh my she is just as good as ever and guess what? She admitted that my brother never forgave her and still won't put out so she has got no action until she came to visit me. Now how often we will be able to have fun I'm not sure but I do know that a time may come when we can be exclusive. I am so excited for when that time comes! Yes I like getting it on with my friends in Canterlot, Starlight and Trixie but Cadence's horn is longer!

We have even discussed her divorcing Shining and then her and I getting married eventually, especially after Starlight has been ascended because then she could rule over Ponyville and I could move up to the Crystal Empire with her! We could ignore our subjects, let the nanny raise Flurry and buck all day, every day. Now that will be sweet, won't it?

Screwing Cadence Again,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Oh boy, Iron Will is going to love this! Should I tell him now or should I wait a while?

Amused,

Princess Celestia

Dear Iron Will,

We just thought we would let you know that Princess Twilight and Princess Cadence are engaging in "sister-in-law bonding" again. We just thought we would let you know what to expect if Cadence gets knocked up again.

Hoping Another Scandal Erupts,

Two Ponies Close to Twilight

To the Ponies Close to Twilight,

So those two are being assertive again Iron Will takes it? Well Iron Will hopes one of them gets knocked up so Iron Will's ratings will go even higher!

Hoping One of them Gets Knocked Up,

Iron Will

Author's Note

And just like that, TwiDence is back!

And also just like that, Iron Will's ratings are about to go through the roof, again!

The Washouts

Dear Crash,

So what do you think about your little friend idolizing me, huh? What do you think about her temporarily joining the Washouts? You know what the difference between us and the Blunderwolts is? You don't have to be able to fly to be part of our club! All you have to do is either wash out of your little club or worship me as I deserve!

I will be honest though, your little minion is nothing short of chickenshit. She is a little coward and of course leave it to you to come in and rescue her. Had you not done so, maybe she would have completed the stunt, lost her cowardly ways and teamed up with me permanently. Too bad it didn't work out, we could have used a little newbie to haul our shit around.

The Better Stunt Pony,

Lightning Dust

Dear Lightning Dust,

You are just as reckless as ever. I will admit, your show is exciting but one of these days somepony is going to get killed, preferably you, and then nopony will ever come to your shows again. Hell, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if Princess Celestia were to disband you guys for your behavior.

Much Better than You,

Crash.....yes that is my Wonderbolt nickname!

P.S. Oh and I finally got Scootaloo to see the light. I finally got her to see what a self-absorbed and uncaring bitch you really are. Want to know what happened to that useless Washout uniform?, her and I burned it along with a picture of you in effigy. Now go back to being a sub-par wannabe who will never amount to anything.

Dear Scootaloo,

How could you? How could you find the Washouts so fascinating and why would you think flying formations would be boring? Yeah we may not put our lives at risk but at least we are a legitimate squad recognized by Princess Celestia! The Washouts are just some low grade group of entertainers that put everypony's safety, even their own, at risk. You know what they wanted to do with you, you could have been killed! I have some advice, forget about these Washout losers. That is exactly what they are, washouts. They are failures and don't you forget it.

Your Hero,

Rainbow Crash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I'm sorry, alright? You know how I like ponies who do dangerous things and put themselves at risk. I suppose you are right though, Lightning Dust is a horrible bitch, even worse than how Celestia was when my friends and I said that she was going to die an early death because of her cake habit. I do hope you can forgive me.

Your Biggest Fan,

Scootaloo

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are going to think this is hilarious! You know how Scootaloo seems to think that Crash's shit doesn't stink? Well she wound up finding a new team of ponies to worship, this daredevil team called the Washouts. Want to know what is funnier? This former adversary of Crash's, Lightning Dust, is their leader and all of a sudden Crashie was upset that Scootaloo found a new team to cheer for.

I always knew that Crash's ego was very fragile but it was a huge blow to her when her adoptive sister decided she was lame and her enemy was awesome. I am going to admit, that Washout group was quite entertaining but after nearly dying in a stunt they put her through, Scootaloo finally wound up realizing what horrible ponies they are.

Now Scootaloo is back to idolizing Crashie and Crash has gone so far as to start a Scootaloo fan club. Seriously, a fan club for one of the three bitches that drug our names through the mud back in season two? Fuck that shit, why can't they make a fan club for me? Hey I have my groove back and I have my Cadi back so that should be something to make ponies idolize me!

Wishing I Had a Fan Club,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Seriously, Crash got her ego busted when her little sister started idolizing a former enemy of hers? That had to have been funny to see. Now while that is nice and all that she finally realized Crash's enemy is a bitch, I have much more important things on my and a huge task for you.

My task to you is to dissolve that fan club Crash has created for that libelous little bitch. No way in hell is a pony who has drug so many ponies' names through the mud going to be idolized in any way, shape or form in MY country. The only way she should ever be put in the spotlight is if it is her and her scum friends being flogged in the courtyard under my balcony. Don't fail me Twilight or I'll turn Cadence against you.

Upset Ponies Idolize Scootaloo,

Princess Celestia

P.S. A fan club for you, really? Now maybe after you and Cadence wind up on the Iron Will show again things will change. I do have some good news though, ponies nowadays aren't nearly as uptight as they used to be. Who knows, an appearance on the Iron Will show may actually cause you and your Cadi to be more well liked! Well time will tell I suppose.

A Rockhoof and a Hard Place

Dear Twilight,

I feel like I am a relic from a lost time that has no place in this world. The other Pillars have found new roles in this world but it seems like heroes have no place. Mist Mane makes crystal flowers, Starswirl is a wizard, Meadowbrook is curing ponies, Flash Magnus is a drill sergeant and Somnambula is doing her thing in calming ponies down. There is no place for heroes with shovels in this world. Yes I can tell stories well but sharing history just doesn't seem to be all that much compared to what the others are doing. I just think that it would be best if you turned me to stone.

Feeling Like an Outdated Relic,

Rockhoof

Rockhoof,

No, I will not turn you to stone. Yes I know the spell but so many ponies like you and think about Yona! Yona absolutely adores you and would not only be devastated if I did that, she would hate me more than she already does. Sorry but I will not turn you to stone and neither will Celestia or anypony else for that matter!

Not Going to Turn You to Stone,

Head Mare Twilight

Rockhoof,

Yona thinks big blue pony worthy of staying. Yona thinks big blue pony is honorable and strong just like yaks! Yona don't care what big blue pony says or think, Yona and Rockhoof friends! Yona orders big blue pony not get turned to stone.

Rockhoof's Friend,

Yona

P.S. Yona invites Rockhoof to Yickslurbertfest. Yona know Rockhoof and yaks get along just fine.

Yona,

Ok, I will not have Twilight turn me into stone since you and everypony else seems to like the tales I tell, both historical and fictional. Oh and I accept your invitation. I know some about yaks and if they're all like you, I know I'll get along with them just fine.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I had quite the problem. Rockhoof is having a rather hard time adjusting to this modern world. While the other Pillars have adjusted just fine, Rockhoof can't seem to find his place. The archaeologist digging up his old village thinks he is too rough on trying to dig it up, he didn't do good delivering mail, he took a whole tree to Zecora and he smashed walls left and right in my school! He is simply too heavy-hooved for most of the things in this world but one thing is for sure, my students, Yona especially, adore him.

Once he realized that sharing history would be his purpose, everything was all set. He found his place and my students, and pretty much everypony else, absolutely adore him. Now that is something that I am not happy about, they adore him but not me? Come on, I am the head mare and I should be loved by all! I am thinking that if this keeps up, I'll banish Rockhoof and all of those who love him so much to Yakyakistan since he acts too much like a yak.

Thinking I Should Be Adored,

Head Mare Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Oh please, I know you think everypony should adore you but they don't, alright? Look, you have your Cadi back, you still have your friends in Canterlot, you have Trixie and you have Starlight. I would think that would be all the adoration you would ever need! Now go do yourself a favor and come up to Canterlot since Cadence isn't available. Minuette is very unhappy that you are putting Cadence ahead of her and is saying that if you don't show up soon, she will hunt you down and punish you severely!

Hoping Minuette Punishes You,

Princess Celestia

What Lies Beneath

To Cozy Glow,

You know what? You are nothing more than a crazy, fucked up little bitch. First you cause us to question our friendships just because we are all different creatures. Second you use some sort of freaky magic to cause us to hallucinate about horrible things, starting out by having an imaginary Twilight put our friendship to a test.

You caused Silverstream to see the fucking Storm King, you caused Gallus to think he was being squished when he is scared of tight spaces, you cause Smolder to be tortured by prissy, girly tea drinking ponies, you caused Ocellus to think she is still evil by making her be Chrysalis and couldn't change back, you caused Sandbar to run into two of our professors who were trying to get him in bed and you caused Yona to run into spiders and she is terrified of spiders!

Luckily we passed our test despite whatever dark magic your conniving little hide was trying to conjure up. You and the head mare can claim it was the Tree of Harmony testing us but we know better. We know you have likely stolen some artifact and are causing problems here. We don't trust you Cozy and we never will. After what you did to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, we knew you just weren't right, we knew you were up to something.

Also we find it odd how you have Head Mare Twilight eating out of your hooves. We know she is strong willed and for her to just adore you like a little angel, something ain't right. We will write to Princess Celestia and she will see to it that whatever you are up to, you'll get what you deserve.

Not Trusting You,

Yona, Sandbar, Ocellus, Silverstream, Smolder and Gallus

To Twilight's Little Pets,

Me using dark magic? You fucking idiots do know that I'm a pegasus don't you? Pegasi don't have the ability to use magic and I certainly don't have any kind of artifact. I don't even know where I would find any of those. To be honest, I have never liked any of you because you are constantly judging me, you are so jealous that Twilight likes me so much you can't stand it. Face it, she will always like me because I am a perfect little angel!

So Much Better Than You,

Cozy "Twilight's Favorite" Glow

Dear Princess Celestia,

Something ain't right down here. There is this pegasus filly named Cozy Glow and she somehow has Head Mare Twilight eating out of her hooves. To make matters worse, she tried to make us doubt our friendship by telling us we shouldn't be close solely because we are all different creatures.

Then there is some sort of entrance to these caves under the school and we decided to explore them. We know Cozy Glow used some sort of artifact to cause us to hallucinate and see everything that we are terrified of. Eventually we got out of the caves and she half-heartedly apologized over causing us to get absolutely no sleep and nearly be late for our exams. We know something is up with her! Could you please look into it and see to it that Head Mare Twilight expels her? We just have a bad feeling that she is up to something bad, very bad.

Sincerely,

Ocellus, Smolder, Gallus, Silverstream, Yona and Sandbar

To Twilight's Students,

Look, I know this pony may be behaving in a strange way but how the hell is a pegasus going to even know how to use strange artifacts? Only unicorns and Alicorns can use magic like that. Regarding what happened under the school, I have some advice for you. Don't go exploring under the school! I think there is some sort of gas leak under there that causes hallucinations so Cozy Glow had nothing to do with it. Besides, what is the worst a little filly could do anyway, pull mindless pranks on you?

Now if you will excuse me, I have a fresh cake being delivered to me so I can't be bothered with this any further.

Ready to Eat Cake,

Princess Celestia

Dear Head Mare Twilight,

I don't know what is up with those six students you like so much but they went exploring these caves under the school. I don't know what they are up to but I think they are trying to not only cause disharmony in this school but they are trying to turn you against me! They are trying to turn you against your right hoof pony, your beloved Cozy Glow! You need to have a talk with them and reassure them that I am not up to anything bad! Please get them to stop trying to turn you against me, pleeeeease! :applecry:

Your Favorite,

Cozy Glow

Dear Cozy Glow,

Alright, I will have a talk with them. I know they have formed their own little clique and are probably jealous that you and I are so close. Don't worry, I would never turn against you, EVER!

Sincerely,

Head Mare Twilight

To the Student Six,

Look, you all need to be nice to Cozy Glow. I know you are jealous that she works so closely with me but ever since that incident with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, she has grown so much. It is her growth that has caused me to have her basically be my assistant. Now would you please stop making her feel bad and mark my words, I will never turn on her, alright.

Disappointed,

Head Mare Twilight

To Head Mare Twilight,

Fine but don't go saying we didn't warn you when she does something truly horrible, something that will make the lives of everypony miserable. For all you know, she could try to kill all of you and take over the school. Now if you will excuse us, we are going to come up with some sort of plan to defeat her should that happen.

Making Plans,

Yona, Ocellus, Sandbar, Gallus, Silverstream and Smolder

Sounds of Silence

Dear Autumn Blaze,

We are a might happy that we were able to reunite you with the rest of your village again and we're happy that we all got them to talking again. You know, perhaps you could come and visit us in Equestria sometime. I have a feeling you'd like it quite a bit.

Sincerely,

Applejack and Fluttershy

Dear Applejack and Fluttershy,

Wait a minute, you're from Equestria? You're from that place where there is that huge white Alicorn that is constantly stuffing her face with cake? You're from that place where that pink Alicorn screwed her sister-in-law and nearly destroyed her marriage? You're from that place where a light pink unicorn is constantly showing up that lavender Alicorn and proving how much better she is than her? I'd love to come visit sometime and I'm sure everyKirin else would love to as well!

Perhaps we could even meet all these awesome ponies I have heard about through the news....especially that white Alicorn because she might share her cake with me and I would love to meet that light pink unicorn that always shows up that seductress lavender Alicorn! Let me know when I can come and visit and I can share everything about my homeland with them!

Hoping to Meet Celestia,

Autumn Blaze

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know you are likely surprised to hear from a Kirin but my name is Autumn Blaze and a couple of your subjects came to visit us a while back. They were able to help get the rest of my kind to talk again and welcome me back to the village. When I found out where they were from, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to visit your country someday.

From what I understand, you really like cake. You see, I really like cake too and I was wondering if I came to visit if you would share your cake with me? I also understand that there is this lavender Alicorn who screws her sister-in-law and a light pink unicorn who always shows her up. I would love to meet all of you, well we would all love to meet you someday. Let me know if I can come visit.

Hoping to Meet You,

Autumn Blaze

Autumn Blaze,

Well you could come and meet us all but let me make myself clear. I DO NOT SHARE MY CAKE! If anypony even thinks about trying to take my cake, I will banish them to the moon. Now about the lavender and pink Alicorns, yeah you can meet them but be careful about the lavender one, if she finds you hot she would likely try to seduce you and I'm not sure if you want that.

Now regarding the light pink unicorn, I'm sure she'd like to meet you. She likes making friends and I'm sure she would likely find your kind fascinating, perhaps enough that she would want to meet all of you and maybe become our ambassador to you guys.

Again I will say this, don't even think about me sharing my cake. If you want to sit down and talk with me over cake, you'll have to bring your own.

Making Sure You Don't Steal My Cake,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Get this, the map called Applejack and Flutterbitch out to the land of the Kirin on a friendship mission. This is the second time those two have been called so perhaps they were called out to bring down a con-pony or something. Whatever it is, I feel sorry for them having to put up with a vet screwing skank and I feel bad for Applejack having to put up with that whiny little bitch.

One bit of good news though, Cadence came to visit! The bad news, Starlight and Trixie were there and insisted that they join us and Cadence agreed. Now for what is the best, Cadence didn't find Starlight and Trixie all that good so I'll still have her to myself! Now I'm sure you're wondering how she is pulling this off and not angering Shining Armor but she told me that she told him that she was coming to visit you. So to keep the peace and so I can keep my Cadence, if my brother asks, she with you, alright?

Having My Cadi,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

It is so good to see that you have your Cadence again! You seem a whole lot happier now that you own her again. I still can't help but wonder what Iron Will would think of this. I do have some advice though, don't try and get her pregnant. The last thing I need is a Flurry Heart v2.0. Yes ponies are more laid back and wouldn't mind you bucking your sister-in-law but if a foal is still part of a controversy, they won't stand for it.

I know you're happy to have Cadence again but that better not keep you from doing your job, got it? Remember, your primary job is torturing undesirables, not bucking your sister-in-law. If you fail to do your job, I'll take Cadence away and she'll become my PERMANENT sex slave, got it?

Ready to Take Cadence As My Own,

Princess Celestia

Father Knows Beast

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have come to the conclusion that Spike is a gullible idiot. Get this, this moronic dragon named Sludge comes crashing into town and claims to be Spike's father. Seriously? From what I understand, outside of Torch, most dragon fathers just screw the mother and go on their merry way. Also, how would this dragon even know who his son would be? And want to know what was bad, Spike suddenly started waiting on this bastard claw and tail because Sludge claimed it is what dragons do.

Now what pissed me off is that he started acting like a little bastard and brought up how he has "real" family now. What the fuck? I hatched his miserable, pathetic ass and I basically raised him and all of a sudden some idiot comes in, making ridiculous claims and Spike buys into it. All I have to say is thank Faust that Smolder was there to tell Spike that Sludge wasn't acting like a dragon, he was just being a fucking freeloader who ate all my desserts.

In the end it was discovered that this dragon only wanted an easy life and was not really Spike's dad. I'm honestly thinking that since I have Starlight to guide me through all my problems, that maybe it is time to set Spike free. Hey, Rarity uses him as a fashion slave so he could go live with her. Who knows, maybe since he has molted he would finally get laid! Think I should do it, think I should give him to Rarity?

Seeking Your Opinion,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Seriously, some random dragon comes into town, tells Spike he is his father and he believes him? I swear, he must be more gullible than even I imagined. Now Spike has had plenty of "moron moments" but this one really takes the cake. I know Spike is searching for his inner dragon but he must not know anything about dragons, especially how most fathers don't give a shit about the babies in the eggs their mamas hatch, or in his case, inside the egg that you hatched when that freaky rainboom happened.

Now I too am glad that Smolder was there to tell him about how dragons really act. You know, maybe Smolder should be given the role of big sister to Spike because it certainly seems like he could use an older sibling to guide him through situations like this. I am very proud of Smolder, so proud that I am going to send you a trophy to give to her, an "adoptive big sister" trophy for you to give to her.

Now when it comes to giving Spike away to Rarity, you can't do that. Yes I know Starlight helps guide you through life in more ways than one but still, I do not think Spike has done anything to warrant that kind of punishment. Besides, I know the real reason you want to give him away is so that you and Starlight can go getting it on anywhere in the castle you want. You could have him help her more so you two can defile the place but please don't defile the map. That thing has needed servicing way too much as of late because of the urges you two can't contain, alright?

Not Letting You Give Spike to Rarity,

Princess Celestia

Sludge,

You know what, you are nothing but a lazy, gluttonous asshole. I swear, you are even worse than Celestia and I always thought she was the queen of stuffing her face. Now just get out of my life and get out of Ponyville.

Spike

Kid,

Look, I simply did what any dragon would do. I saw an opportunity to live the easy life and have a moronic little slave catering to my every want and I jumped on it. Perhaps if you hadn't been raised by overly generous ponies, you would have been able to see through my ruse. I will get out of your life but I'm not leaving Ponyville, just yet. I'm heading to that local bakery and devouring every single treat they have in there and then setting the place ablaze.

Sludge

School Raze

Dear Head Mare Twilight,

We told you Cozy Glow was a fucked up little bitch. We tried telling you on multiple occasions that something wasn't right about her. We swear, for you supposed to be so intelligent, you certainly are blinded by the worst of the worst. We all thought that you would know that she was evil when she pulled the shit she did with the CMC but oh no, she was just a cute little thing trying to get them in you said. Oh she is just misunderstood you said. Oh please be nice to Cozy Glow you said.

You know what, fuck that little conniving bitch. Pen Pals with Tirek? How the hell was she even getting mail to him in Tartarus to start with? Was Neighsay behind it since he has that freaky magical amulet that can take him anywhere in Equestria he damn well pleases. Well you better thank your lucky stars that we were suspicious of that little cunt because had we not been, you'd still be stuck in Tartarus having to put up with Tirek and whatever lame company he would provide.

Oh and by the way, YOU'RE WELCOME.

Saving Your Flank,

Yona, Sandbar, Ocellus, Gallus, Silverstream and Smolder

P.S. Yona still not nominate slutty yellow pony as teacher of the month. Yona also not nominate purple pony or light pink pony as teacher of the month. Yona no nominate them because they screw in guidance counselor's office.

To My Students,

Ok, I get it. I get it that you were right about Cozy Glow and that I should not have trusted her. Thing is, she is just so adorable, she helped me out and she seemed so genuine. I suppose I owe all six of you an apology and a thank you. I suppose it is a good thing that I have students who can see through cute, just like I had a student in the last finale that helped me see that diplomacy and friendship are more important than banishing a now well published author back into limbo.

Sincerely,

Head Mare Twilight

P.S. You all are not ready to graduate from my school. One season does not warrant me graduating you and then letting you go do who knows what. Oh and Yona, I'm docking points off your exams for not going to nominate me for teacher of the month. Starlight and I have our urges and we simply can't contain them. You try being the head pony or the guidance counselor. You do that for a while you'd want to screw your subordinate too.

Dear Nicole Dubuc and and Josh Haber,

I want to know something, why was it that everything was fine one moment and then that little psycho Cozy Glow had me imprisoned in some magical bubble? How was it that she simply had those relics so she could suck the magic out of Equestria? Ok, I get it, you two only had 44 minutes to put things together but still, you could have at least took a minute to show that little bitch stealing them from somewhere.

Also, do you realize how fucking embarrassing it was for me to be captured by a little bitch young enough to be my daughter? I swear, you two need to get your priorities straight. Before all our magic was sucked dry by Tirek's little pen pal, I was the third most powerful pony in Equestria, only behind Celestia and Luna. I get it, you needed to make somepony look like shit but couldn't you have done that to Rarity instead? She doesn't have jack shit for magic and it would have been far more believable.

Upset You Made Me Look Pathetic,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

First off, you are right about the whole 44 minute thing. You have no idea how much we writers wish we could write a two hour long episode that wouldn't be interrupted but unfortunately that isn't part of the plan. We certainly do hope that for the series finale we can do some epic two to three hour show that won't be interrupted by shitty commercials but sadly the target audience likely doesn't have that long of an attention span so things probably won't end like we would hope.

Now about you and your ego. Yes you are only outdone by Celestia and Luna but if you honestly think we would send you off with the gang and have Rarity get trapped, you are delusional. You see, Rarity is part of the Mane Six while you are just a side character that is destined for glory. Yes we know you are because the God-Emperor has told us but for now, you have to play a lesser role. Another thing, had we sent you along instead, the Bronies and the target audience would wonder why you went when Rarity is an original Element Bearer while you didn't show up until season five.

Also, we all know what would have happened had we sent you instead of Rarity. You and Twilight would have been too busy taking care of your urges in Tartarus to even think about how to get out. Also, I'm pretty sure none of the dangerous creatures in there want to see you two get it on and Tirek is certainly not deserving of a free porno. Just imagine the scandal, Head Mare Twilight and her hot guidance counselor give Tirek a free show. That would not be well received across Equestria.

Don't worry Starlight, your time is coming. Being a loser in this finale will be all worth it in the end, all of us writers promise!

Sincerely,

Nicole Dubuc and Josh Haber

Chancellor Neighsay,

Isn't life ironic? Isn't it ironic that at the start you referred to all of us other creatures as dangerous and said that we weren't deserving of friendship? We think it is very ironic that we wound up being the ones to save you. Imagine that, creatures you are so speciesist against saved you! Now we do hope that this has taught you a valuable lesson. We hope now you know that other creatures do understand friendship and will save even those who have wronged us. We also hope you learned that not everypony is nice, especially scheming bitches like Cozy Glow.

Now for one favor, could you get Head Mare Twilight to let us graduate because we have proven that we know everything about friendship. Just think, we could become professors here and teach other students OR we could be recruiters to try and bring in more creatures, creatures like the ones who saved you! Now if you won't get her to let us be professors, could we become EEA board members because you guys could certainly use some diversity.

The Creatures Who Saved You,

Yona, Ocellus, Gallus, Silverstream and Smolder.....oh and we'll let Sandbar sign too even though he is a pony.

To the Creatures Who Saved Me,

Ok, you're right. I will admit it that I was wrong for being such an asshole. I now realize that I was just as bad as Starswirl was when it came to Stygian, I was an arrogant asshole. I would like to thank all of you for saving me and you certainly are right about one thing, PONIES like Cozy Glow are never to be trusted. Any pony who puts up a false front like that is obviously up to no good. While I can't guarantee the big brass at Hasbro will let you fulfill your dreams, I do think you need to contribute to the updated EEA guidelines I will be establishing.

In closing, let me say how proud I am of all of you. You went with your gut instincts and helped save Equestria from a power hungry, psychotic filly that will hopefully be locked away in Tartarus forever.

Finally Having Learned My Lesson,

Chancellor Neighsay

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know something, I am disappointed in you. Here I put you in charge of running a school of friendship and yet you can't see past a crazy, power hungry filly. I would think that you would have knew something was wrong when she went from being a conniving little bitch who caused you to get mad at the CMC to being so sickeningly sweet and basically becoming your lap dog. Your star students saw through her yet you did not. You may be the Princess of Friendship but you need to realize that that does not mean you need to forgive everypony and ignore the obvious signs that they are pure evil.

Now I have some advice, the next time a student pulls shit like what she did, expel them before it becomes too late. Now I would say more but I just had a freshly baked cake delivered to my balcony.

Disappointed With You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, a part of friendship is forgiving ponies, even if they shit on you. Now am I going to forgive Cozy Glow for what she did? Hell no I'm not but hopefully none of us will ever have to put up with her again since she is locked away in Tartarus and Cerberus knows better than to just go gallivanting all over Equestria and let things escape. Now if the nature of that psychotic little bitch doesn't scare everything in there, including Tirek, then I don't know what will.

Look, I promise I will do a better job of screening my students in the future and if my star pupils notify me that somepony ain't acting right, I will listen to them, alright?

Feeling Sorry I Let You Down,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Cozy Glow,

How could you? I let you stay in my school even after you pulled the shit you did with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I thought you had truly grown after you showed remorse and hell, I even made you my right hoof pony. I thought you were the sweetest filly ever but instead, you wound up being the biggest little bitch of all time. You better be glad that I believe friendship is important because if I didn't, I'd beat that rook right off your ass. Have fun in Tartarus you pathetic little cunt.

Upset With You,

Head Mare Twilight Sparkle

Head Mare Twilight,

Come on now, I went a little bit mad with power! I was not being my true self, you certainly can't stay mad with your beloved Cozy Glow can you? You know, for a pony who says that friendship is magic, throwing me in Tartarus isn't very friendly! But I do have one leg up on you, at least I have morals, at least I don't screw the guidance counselor like you do.

Having Morals,

Cozy Glow

Dear Tirek,

You wanna be friends? You want to help the vastly superior Cozy Glow rule all of Equestria? You want to be my second in command? You want to be the one I will punish if anything goes wrong? Just think, you could be free from this place if you just join forces with the adorable Cozy Glow. With you by my side, nopony could stop me, I mean us. What do you say neighbor, wanna be friends?

Your New Neighbor,

The Adorable Cozy Glow

Cozy Glow,

You truly don't understand my powers do you? Tell you what kid, you find a way to get us out of here and sure I'll join forces with you. I do think a world ruled by me, I mean us, would be much better than what it currently is.

Ready to Join Forces With You,

Tirek

Special: The Best Gift Ever

Dear Spike,

I can not believe it! I can not believe that you have reverted back into wanting Rarity so bad that you would actually swap who you should get the gift for. I thought you had got over that crush but apparently not. What shocks me even further is that you would go and sing a sappy song for her. What shocks me the most is that she kissed you and now you're probably going to go start writing wedding invitations. Sorry Spike but you can not use the castle for the wedding. I'm sure your crush would want the wedding in Canterlot anyway.

Shocked You Got Rarity to Kiss You,

Your Owner

Dear Slave Driver Twilight,

You know what, you have no idea how happy I am that Rarity kissed me! She kissed me and I didn't even have to give her my birthday supper! I can feel it now, we're going to be getting married, our wedding will be in Canterlot and best of all, your parents will have to pay for it! This truly is the best Hearth's Warming Ever!

Soon to Be Rarity's Husband,

Spike

Dear Rainbow Dash and Discord,

Thank you so much for the huge monster! It will be perfect for my animal sanctuary, well once Discord returns it back to its normal size. Both of you know how much I love animals! Again thank both of you so much!

Loving Animals,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Rainbow was stressing so much about what to get you for Hearth's Warming but I knew exactly what you would want. I just made it bigger and meaner so you could tame it and show off your animal taming skills. We are both happy you like it.

Giving You Animals as Gifts,

Rainbow Dash and Discord

P.S. Just wait, that thing will wind up in Tartarus eventually just like Manny the Manticore because future writers will be too lazy to come up with anything else to stick in the background there. - Rainbow Dash

Flim and Flam,

Y'all are nothing short of a bunch of con-pony assholes. Seriously, conning ponies out of their money by selling shitty dolls? Ah should have known y'all would only be doing this to expand your resort. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Still Hating Your Guts,

Applejack

Applejack,

Come now, we were only doing it so we could pay the insurance costs so we could reopen the Wild Blue Yonder! Just wait until we tell that pegasus friend that YOU are responsible for us not being able to bring back that ride. Her and the rest of the Gold Horseshoe Gals are going to be so upset.

Knowing Crash Will Be Upset,

Flim and Flam

Dear Twilight,

Oh it was so cute to see you freaking out again! You have no idea how much I have missed seeing who was once my star student reverting back to her old ways. You know something, it brings back so many wonderful memories. Remember back when you freaked out over the friendship letter? Remember when you freaked out over exams before you matured? Remember when you freaked out over what to get your parents for Hearth's Warming the first year you lived with me? It brought back so many memories. You probably won't believe this but as your adoptive mother, seeing this made me tear up a bit.

Missing the Old Days,

Your Stepmother....Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

What? In the past you would have burst into laughter over seeing me freak out! Never once did I think that YOU would get all sappy over it! Ok, we've had a ton of bad moments, years and years of bad moments but hearing you say this is all I need to know that you truly do view me as like a daughter. Please, I'm tearing up too now. I just wish all our moments could have been like this.

Your Stepdaughter,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Pinkie,

You're still as much of an overly sentimental crybaby who thinks she has to please everypony as ever. What I would like to know is where the hell you get all this money. Oh wait, those bakers you live with probably gave it to you. Damn it must be nice to only have to bake things and baby sit while Marble and I have to bust our flanks for fourteen hours a day, seven days a week. One thing I know for sure, you would never survive living out here now, never.

Your Hardworking Sister,

Limestone "The Best Pie Sister" Pie

P.S. Oh could you bring that yellow pegasus out to the rock farm sometime? Marble and I really need a release and we need a good sub.

Dear Limestone,

Look, there is no reason for you to be such a bitch, it is Hearth's Warming Eve after all and you better not even think about Fluttershy! I will tell this draconeqqus friend of hers that can rip the very fabric of reality with his claws and he will send you two to another dimension!

Looking to Protect Fluttershy,

Pinkie Pie

To the Writers,

One or two seconds is all? You know something, that is horribly disrespectful to the two most powerful ponies in all of Equestria. The least you could do is sometime write an origin story about us so that not everypony thinks we just materialized out of thin air or have been around since the beginning of time. It would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna

To Celestia and Luna,

Look, it is not entirely up to us. If the big brass doesn't give us permission, we can't do it. You know, we would love to but please don't stress us out over this, we have enough problems already. Not only do we have to get ready for season nine but we have to think about what will happen next. We aren't sure if we'll even have jobs after that, well jobs involving My Little Pony anyway.

Sincerely,

The Writers

To the Writers,

You gave us next to no time. Now we are very unhappy about this but could you please do a special involving Hearts and Hooves Day where we get one another gifts, admit our love for one another and become marefriends? We would greatly appreciate it and we both know that many people would be happy as well.

Hoping to Be A Canon Couple Someday,

Starlight and Trixie

Starlight and Trixie,

We would but Twilight banned the celebration of Hearts and Hooves Day, remember? We certainly don't want to see you two ran though Twilight's torture devices, alright?

Looking Out for You,

The Writers

Discovery Family,

What the hell is up with this? You released a Hearth's Warming special and Nightmare Night hasn't even arrived yet! Now nopony had to say you had to wait clear up until right before the holiday but you could have waited until after Gluttony Day to release it!

Wondering Why,

The Fans

To the Fans,

Look, we did this when we did because it wasn't that far past the end of season 8 and the show would still be fresh in the minds of those who aren't truly devoted to the show. Not all the fans watch the reruns religiously like the author of this troll fic does. Hell a lot of you ignore our network from the end of the season clear up until the beginning of the next season. Hell you should be happy Hasbro gave you a Hearth's Warming special at all!

Best Regards,

Discovery Family

Special: Nightmare Correspondence

Dear Princess Luna,

I want to know something. I want to know why is it that you never come in and save me from my nightmares? Ever since I went on that map mission with Twibitch I have constantly been having the same nightmare. In every single one of them not only does she initiate me in that balloon but in some of them Big Daddy McColt even lets her use his bedroom to initiate me. To make matters worse, she uses impregnation magic on me and gets me pregnant every single time! Even when I was controlling that bitch those dreams were awful! Could you please make them stop? If you could, I would really appreciate it.

Sick of the Nightmares,

Fluttershy

Fluttershy,

I have been prowling around in your dreams ever since you finished that map mission and that isn't exactly how it turns out. I've seen those dreams nearly every night and you enjoy it in every single one of them. Face it Flutters, deep down you know you wish you hadn't thrown Twilight out of that balloon. Deep down you wish you would have let Twilight initiate you, used impregnation magic on you and got you knocked up. One thing you forgot to tell me about were the foals you gave birth to. Those foals are so adorable and just think, had you let Twilight initiate you and use impregnation magic on you, those adorable little things would truly exist!

Knowing What You Really Wish Happened,

Princess Luna

P.S. Should I tell Twilight about this? Should I tell her that deep down you wish you were still a doormat PETA Girl who wants to have her foals? Maybe in season nine I will. It is going to be hilarious!

Dear Princess Luna,

I keep having the same nightmare where Miss Cheerilee molests me! I don't know why I keep having it but I do and it really makes going to school uncomfortable. Whenever I see her, all I can see is her throwing me up on her desk, molesting me and wanting to have sex with me. Please make it stop!

Hoping You'll Stop the Nightmares,

Pipsqueak

Pipsqueak,

Oh come on, I've seen that one before and you ENJOY IT! Want to know why you're really having this dream over and over? You are having it because you want to score with your teacher and sorry kid but you're still way too young to get it up and besides, Cheerilee only likes mares so you're out of luck there kiddo.

Knowing You are Hot for Teacher,

Princess Luna

Dear Princess Luna,

The nightmares I keep on having are heart breaking. Every single one of them are about Starlight and Trixie getting married. In every single one of them I am Starlight's best stallion and I cry in every single one of them when your sister pronounces them wife and wife. I know she screws my mom but I still wish I had something special with her and these dreams hurt so much. Could you please make them stop.

Having Depressing Dreams,

Sunburst

Dear Sunburst,

Those are no dreams you are having, they are visions. I say that because that is what will happen in the future with the exception of the fact that you will be happy for your friend marrying her sweetie. Learn to live with it Sunburst. These dreams will continue to occur until the prophecy is fulfilled.

Knowing Your Visions Will Come to Pass,

Princess Luna

Dear Princess Luna,

I keep having these horrible nightmares where my friends in Canterlot no longer want to have any fun with me. In these awful dreams they ditch me for Rarity! Even worse, Rarity always mocks me and makes fun of me saying that my old friends tossed out bad rubbish! Please make them stop, I don't know if I can take it anymore.

Worried About My Nightmares,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Don't you worry, those will never come to pass. I have prowled the dreams of your Canterlot friends and all I ever see are good dreams of them controlling you like they always do. I doubt they are going to toss you to the side for some substandard diva like Rarity anyway. Hey, if I had to pick between you and Rarity, I'd pick you too so I'm sure they won't get rid of you for her.

Secretly Wanting You,

Princess Luna

Little Sister,

I keep on having the worst nightmare and I can't help but wonder if YOU aren't manipulating my dreams. I keep on dreaming that mother banished me to the moon and gave you the keys to Equestria to rule it your way. If you are manipulating my dreams, please stop or I will make sure Applejack stops making you fritters.

Your Big Sister

Big Sister,

You honestly think that I would be altering your dreams when I can prowl around in Fluttershy's dreams and watch her let Twilight get her pregnant on map missions? Come on, seeing that and then the little foals Fluttershy gives birth to are so adorable! Oops, I shared secret information but oh well, my bad!

Regarding your dreams though, perhaps being the primary ruler of this country is starting to cause you to break down. Perhaps you really wish you were up on the moon so you could discover how quick you have to be to jump in craters when solar flares strike.

Thy Princess of the Night,

Princess Luna

Dear Fluttershy,

So you wish that you were back in your PETA Girl phase and want Twilight to knock you up? If that is what you truly want Flutters, if you truly want to have Twilight's babies, I can make that happen!

Hoping to Make Your Real Dreams Come True,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Luna told you about my dreams, didn't she? Curse her, curse her. No, I do not want to have Twibitch's babies and no I do not want to be restored to my PETA Girl phase because I was nothing more than a fucking doormat that Twilight wanted to initiate all the time! I am not a doormat anymore and I will never be a submissive little weakling ever again.

Never Being a Sub Again,

Fluttershy

Week 1 Hiatus Special: Shy's Correspondence With Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ever since I cheated on Twilight with the vet, my life has been horrible. It seems like all that ever happens is that those closest to me get tortured for weeks on end, I get sexually assaulted, most of my other friends treat me like shit and Twilight's Canterlot friends have it out for me in one way or another, especially Dr. Colgate since she has the most pull. I just want all of this to stop. I just want things to return to how they used to be, I want to be liked again. I don't know how this would happen but you are the primary princess so could you force them to stop being mean to me?

Hoping You'll Make Things Better for Me,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Look, I can't control how they behave nor can I control their behavior BUT perhaps if you make some compromises with all of them, maybe everypony will like you again. I would start with a true, sincere apology to Twilight. Then I would advise you toss that junkie to the side and dump Dr. Fauna. Third, I would advise you maybe throw yourself out to Twilight. Maybe if you do that voluntarily, she will forgive you. Now I wouldn't count on it but it is worth a shot, right?

Hell maybe you should even try and spend some time with Twilight's old friends. Now I know they are rather aggressive, especially Colgate, but I could supervise any and all time you spend with them. Trust me Flutters, if you want ME to like you again, you will have to socialize with them since I think of them all as angels. Who knows, you might even be able to hook up with Twinkleshine since she is the least dominant of those four!

Now when it comes to Pinkie, I'd be careful and I sure the hell wouldn't go out to the rock farm to visit her sisters, with or without her. I'm going to let you in on something, I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have decided that what they did was wrong and IF you were to ever be brave enough to go out there with a weapon and put them in their place, I would forgive you.

I can't guarantee anything but you know, if you'd come up and introduce some Shy into my life, the chances of you being liked will increase tenfold. Now while you are my least favorite right now, I have always found you attractive and would love it if you paid me a visit sometime. I will even let you dominate me if it would make you feel better. So who knows, maybe if you play your cards right you can become my second favorite, only bested by the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria.

Ready to Help You Be Liked Again,

Princess Celestia

Two Days Later

Dear Princess Celestia,

All I can say is WOW! I never knew you were so good! I know how you can be and I never once imagined you would be so gentle with me and I certainly never knew you would let me dominate you the way you did. I know I have done a lot of bad things in my past but I am glad that at least you aren't sitting up there viewing me as an undesirable anymore. I just wish you would feel that way about Tree Hugger and Dr. Fauna. If that were the case, I would feel like I truly had somepony on my side.

Now I do have a favor to ask, could you make Twilight release the two ponies that I am closest to? You are the primary princess so I would think that any order you would issue she would have to follow. Please give it some thought because if I could have two of my closest friends with me again, I would be much happier.

Glad You Like Me a Little Bit,

Fluttershy

P.S. Are you serious about the Pie Sisters? You would really let me go out and do something bad to them despite my behavior as of late?

Dear Fluttershy,

Well I am glad I was able to provide you with the pleasure that made you feel at least semi-important and yes if you were to do something to the Pie sisters, I would let it slide.

P.S. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Remember when you portrayed me in that play Twilight threw for me? Well I found you incredibly hot when you had my mane color so perhaps I could cast a spell on you to give you my mane and tail when we are together.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I am glad we were able to share the sensual moment together that we did but I want you to know something. I will not continue to engage in these activities UNLESS you force Twilight to release Dr. Fauna and Tree Hugger. I promise I won't engage in any sexual activities with them anymore but still, Twilight has them imprisoned for no good reason! I would think that you would know that false imprisonment is unethical and very unfair! Force Twilight to set them free and you'll be having a lot more Shy in your life.

Hoping You'll Make Twilight Free My Friends,

Fluttershy

Week 2 Hiatus Special: Celestia's Orders

Dear Princess Twilight,

Look, I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have decided that you have been taking things much too far with your torture. Now while I know you enjoy torturing your victims, I really think you need to let Dr. Fauna go. I don't mean to upset you but that town does need a veterinarian and unfortunately, Fluttershy does not have a license to be a vet since she never went to school to be one.

Also, I want you to know that Fluttershy is in a state of despair right now. Not many ponies have been nice to her ever since her infidelity was discovered. Now I may seem like an intolerant bitch who loves punishing ponies for no reason but I do think that Fluttershy deserves a second chance. We had a get together recently and I can tell that she is genuinely sorry for everything she has done so I think it would be best if you stop being so horrible to her.

Also, as part of you being nicer to her, I am ORDERING you to let Dr. Fauna go and not torture her unless she actually commits a crime of some sort. I am thinking that if they can at least interact, Fluttershy will be happier and who knows, a time may come where you and your friends need to have harmony between all of you again and this bad blood between you and Fluttershy simply can't be anymore. Now when it comes to Tree Hugger, keep her locked up and keep torturing her since she is a legitimate criminal.

Ordering You to Be Nice to Fluttershy,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

What the fuck? You are ordering me to be nice to the conniving whore who broke my heart and you are ordering me to release that slut she cheated on me with? I honestly thought that you and I were going to try and rebuild that mother/daughter type relationship that we had when I was a filly but apparently not. Let me guess, when Flutterslut came up to visit you, she wound up introducing some Shy into your life and all of a sudden you are in love with her.

You know what, fuck that shit. You can try and be as close as you can be with me but I will never see you as an adoptive mother now. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you and Fluttershy are becoming lovers and you'll even cast my old friends aside since Fluttershy is so wonderful now. Hell next thing I know you'll be inviting Starlight up there and show her proof that you really are her mother since you already treat her like one to start with.

Mark my words TIA, I will not forgive you for this, ever. You started out by banishing me to a third-world shit-hole, you curse five ponies upon me who I initially despised, I couldn't initiate PETA Girl for ages, I had to put up with an idiot with an undiagnosed case of ADHD and then you decided to make my life worse by cursing me with three millennia of pure hell.

Luckily things have improved but now I'm going to have to put up with three millennia of knowing that you stabbed me in the back by siding with PETA Girl. Ok, I will follow your orders, release that slutty vet and be civil with PETA Slut but I will not release that junkie. It is MY JOB to handle lawbreakers and undesirables and she will always fall into both categories.

As far as you go, you can go straight to Tartarus for all I care. Remember when I was cursing your name for so long, well those days have returned. You have proven yourself to be a heartless despot who delights in the suffering of almost everypony in Equestria, everypony except for Flutterskank. Hell, I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you haven't broken the hearts of my old friends by casting them aside for PETA Girl as well.

Just you wait, a time will come when I will learn enough to ascend myself to a higher level and if I can't, I know Starlight will. Starlight cares a lot about me and I bet I could get her to steal you and Luna's cutie marks, depose both of you and then her and I could share this country. Whether she would have us split it or just rule together, we would do a far better job than you and Luna. So watch out Bitchlestia, your days of ruling are numbered.

Hating Your Guts (Again),

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Week 3 Hiatus Special: Apologies

Dear Twilight,

I know you and I have a very rocky past but I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry for breaking your heart the way I did. I know that I should not have cheated on you. I know I should have just told Dr. Fauna that I was taken and that we should not have acted on our urges. I will be honest, when I first did that and hurt you, I got a great amount of joy in seeing you miserable but I have finally come to realize that delighting in somepony's misery is not right.

I know that we will never be in a relationship again but if you are ever looking to unwind, I'll gladly let you use me for it and be rough if you want to. You could even look at it as "re-initiating" me! You could look at it as a way to make me a friend again! If you'll free Dr. Fauna and Tree Hugger I'll even be a subservient doormat for you! You could do whatever you want to me. Hell, you could even own me the same way I owned you for so long. Just please release my friends, I'll make it worth your while if you do!

Hoping We Can Be Friends Again,

Fluttershy

Fluttershy,

You have got to be kidding me, right? You honestly think I am going to just go forgiving a conniving little slut like you? You just don't get it, do you? You and I were close, very close. I was even going to ask Princess Bitchlestia to ascend you and make us immortal so that we could spend all eternity together but of course you were too busy fucking that vet Sunbutt is ordering me to release to even notice how much I truly loved you.

You know what, take your damn apology and shove it up Celestia's sunny ass while you're giving it to her. Let me make myself clear here, unless I have to do some friendship shit with you, I do not want to have to be around you any more than I absolutely have to be. If you're looking to throw yourself out to anypony, go throw yourself out to Sunbutt on a daily basis. Hell you may as well move into her sleeping chambers since I'm sure you're giving her the time of her life.

I have some advice, just leave me the hell alone. I haven't wanted anything to do with you since your infidelity was discovered and it will be a bright and sunny day in Tartarus before I want anything to do with your butterfly covered ass. Now be glad I'm being ordered to release that vet friend of yours and also be glad that I'm not going to haul you down and torture you instead.

Still Hating Your Guts,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

I know you're mad right now and you have every right to be. I know I shouldn't be trying to make Fluttershy's life better but I simply can't help it. Yes I know she has done horrible things, very hurtful things but seeing everything that has happened to her this past season, my hidden soft side couldn't help itself.

Almost nopony likes her anymore, she was raped by the Pie Sisters and Colgate is always lurking, just waiting until the right moment to "tear her a few new assholes" to avenge you. I know you will probably tell Fluttershy to take her apology and shove it but please, just at least be civil with her. I don't expect you to be friends again, I certainly don't expect you to give her benefits and I know for sure that you'll never want a relationship with her again.

I suppose I should be honest with you though. Fluttershy did come to visit me and we did have a sensual, erotic moment so if you were suspecting that something happened between us, you are right. I won't go into many details but again all I can say is "I'm sorry." I do hope that you can forgive not just me but Fluttershy as well.

I know this is a huge setback in us trying to be like a mother and daughter again but please, don't throw all of that away over one mistake of mine. I don't know how I'll make it up to you but I will find a way, alright?

Hoping You'll Forgive Both Me and Fluttershy,

Princess Celestia

Princess Celestia,

FINE! I suppose I can forgive you but like I said, I will NEVER forget this. I will never forget how you stabbed me in the back and while I do hope we can be like mother and daughter again, it won't be easy. Things like this have their consequences and the consequence of this won't be us suddenly being close like we were when I was young.

Also, if you truly want me to forgive you, you will do the following. First, you will allow me to abduct that fucking vet and torture her to my heart's content. Second, you will stop fucking Flutterbitch AND you will stop with these private meetings with her as well. I will admit, what the Pie Sisters did was wrong but that was no reason for you to go giving her sensual, loving sex either.

Regarding Fluttershy, forgiving her will be next to impossible. How about we start out with me being civil towards her and then we can work from there. Be sure and tell her that because forgiveness is something I simply can't do at this point in time.

Refusing to Apologize to Flutterbitch,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Ok, I consider the terms for your forgiveness acceptable. I will tell Fluttershy that I will no longer put out for her or have special meetings with her AND you can resume your torture of Dr. Fauna, and anypony else you want for that matter. Just try and stay civil with Fluttershy, alright?

Glad You're Forgiving Me,

Princess Celestia

Princess Celestia,

Very well but I do have my ways of making sure you stick to your word and if you violate even one of them, you can forget about this forgiveness shit, got it?

Having Spies in Canterlot,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Week 5 Hiatus Special: Fluttershy's Letter to Equestria

Author's Note

Now for the fun part! After reading Fluttershy's letter, feel free to leave a response to anypony you want! You can write a response to Fluttershy or a letter to anypony else!

Have fun!

Week 5 Hiatus Special: Fluttershy's Letter to Equestria

The following letter will be published in every newspaper across Equestria.

Dear Equestria,

My name is Fluttershy and I feel as though our great nation needs to discover some very important things regarding our primary monarch, Princess Celestia. Well not just her, but things involving her School for Gifted Unicorns, how she interacts with her students and how her students interact with one another.

Regarding Princess Celestia, this is something I have known for a while but I just now feel ready to share what I know. Our primary princess is not this sweet, loving, caring princess everypony thinks she is. For centuries, she has had an extreme appetite for sex and given that she is a lesbian, she goes after the hottest mares in the land.

Regarding her special school, for as long as she has operated it, she has had sex with her female students, starting from the moment they mature and that continues even after they graduate, of course assuming they stay in Canterlot and they still meet Celestia's standards.

Want to know how I know this? You see, I know Princess Twilight Sparkle and at one time I was her owner and Master so I know what I'm talking about. She told me about how when she was in school that Celestia would not only screw her, but her schoolmates, well the sexy ones, on a regular basis. Who would have imagined that the "universally loved" Princess Celestia would be hiding such a dark secret?

If you don't believe me, there are four ponies up in Canterlot that Celestia screws on a regular basis. Their names are Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts, Moondancer and even the hot shot dentist, Dr. M. Colgate. Those four are deep in princess's circle of sexy times. To make matters worse, she has continued to have sex with Twilight, even after her coronation. What does this make you think of our leader?

Also when it comes to her school, she starts raising the fillies in there to be lesbians the moment they start school! From what I understand, the very day they start she begins to teach them that to be a truly great and powerful unicorn, that they must never engage in a romantic or sexual relationship with males and puts a great amount of emphasis on the fact that stallions would do nothing but hold them back. She tells them that the only way for them to become great is if they only engage in relationships with other mares, preferably unicorn mares. One student of hers hooked up with an earth pony mare and she kicked her out! She kicked her out solely because she did not get with a unicorn!

Another thing about her students, from what Twilight told me, they start having sex with one another the moment they mature! What they will do (well those that are close to one another), they will all gather in the protege's study tower and buck each other often, very often. I am pretty sure that nopony would ever expect such corruption out of our princess.

Want to know something else? There have been many instances, even once on a friendship mission, that Twilight has molested me all in the name of trying to "initiate me as a friend" and I have reported it to Princess Celestia and want to know what her response was? Her response was for me to simply put out for Twilight and maybe the molestation would stop. Twilight tries to rape me and she blows it off, she sides with Twilight! She is constantly siding with her and tells me all the time to just put out for Twilight so she will stop bitching. Now if you ask me that is inexcusable, completely inexcusable and it goes to show that our "benevolent" princess cares nothing about her subjects, only those closest to her.

Also, Princess Celestia will have sex with any random mare as well. I was one of those mares. Now it was consensual but the very fact that she would go bucking random mares is terrible! Everything I have stated is proof that our "benevolent" princess is nothing short of a whore who raises little whores in her school. If you ask me, I think she is unfit to rule and needs to be forced out, using any means necessary.

Who is with me? Should we force our racist, sexist nympho to abdicate? If you ask me, it is something that must be done or she will continue to churn out little mini-mes from her school and that could be bad, very bad for Equestria. Just look at Twilight, she screwed her sister-in-law for ages and she was Celestia's protege for ages before being ascended! You all saw the drama on The Iron Will Show a couple years back! Hell I wouldn't be surprised if Celestia wasn't somehow responsible for everything that went down.

This is proof that we need to abolish the monarchy and make Equestria a republic. Make it a republic because ponies would never elect such unsavory individuals like our monarchs. Look at the mayors in Equestria, they never behave like this because they know they would have to answer to their electorate! If Equestria ever does become a republic, I will run for President because I think I'm the only one with the morals to set things straight!

Hoping to End Tia's Tyrannical Reign,

Fluttershy

Week 6 Hiatus Special: ENN Report Potential Libel

Author's Note

This chapter, like the ENN special after "Twilight Time" will be completely in a back and forth dialogue since it is a TV interview.

Again, feel free to leave questions and responses to Celestia!

Week 6 Hiatus Special: ENN Report Potential Libel

Report by Equestria News Network

Not that long ago, a letter was written by a pony who at one time was an Element Bearer going into great detail about things that our beloved Princess Celestia has done over the centuries and while none of us here at ENN believe a word of it but we have contacted Princess Celestia and will now air our interview with our beloved monarch

"Princess Celestia, recently a very libelous letter against you has surfaced in every single newspaper in Equestria. From what we understand it was written by a former Element Bearer and former marefriend of Princess Twilight Sparkle. In it, she mentions a great deal of things that portray you in a negative light. What is your take on her letter?"

"Well I am going to admit, I am not thrilled that a pony that I know personally would pull such a thing. Yes her and I are on bad terms but for her to make such unsubstantiated claims is horrible, not to mention it is an act of treason."

"Princess, one thing I am sure that many ponies may wonder is whether or not any of this is true. Are any of her claims actually true?"

"Regarding my activities with my students, I am going to admit I have engaged in sexual activities with my female students once they have matured. Now many may think that I force them to do so but I do not. Every single sexual encounter with my students over the centuries has been completely consensual."

"Princess, I know many, many ponies have read this and it will not be long until everypony in Equestria will know about your activities with your students. Is there anything you can reassure parents to let them know that sending their fillies to your school will not harm them any?"

"My message to the parents would be that I never have nor would I ever force your daughter to engage in sexual activities prior to her maturing nor would I ever force myself upon her. If a student does not wish to engage in such activities with me, she will not be required to do so. And before anypony asks, the sexual activities are not extra credit. The students who do not want to engage in anything with me will never be at a disadvantage."

"Regarding the students, how many or what percentage of them do you engage in sexual activities with?"

"Over the past thousand years that I have operated the school, a grand total of twenty have been intimate with me, only twenty. I have had thousands of students over the past millennia so I would say that a mere twenty is a very low number. I have read the letter and it makes it sound like I force every single one of them into my bedroom."

"Moving on, the letter accuses you of raising your students to be lesbians. As we know, a majority of the mares in Equestria are lesbians and unicorns have by far the highest percentage of lesbians, sitting at 95%. Do you raise them to be lesbians and discourage relationships with stallions or is the accusation in this letter a lie?"

"The statistics you have are correct regarding the percentage of lesbians in the unicorn population so the chances of a heterosexual or even bi-sexual mare winding up in my school are extremely small. Unicorns that are either straight or bi-sexual generally aren't born with the innate ability to perform magic at a sufficient level to enter my school. It is the lesbians who are born naturally talented so this accusation is nothing short of libel."

"Another thing this letter brought up was that your female students often engage in sexual activities with one another once they mature. Is this true, do they do that?"

"What my students do during their off-time is their business. I have my suspicions that they do and I am pretty sure the accusations are right about where they do it but if it aids them in their studies and lessens their stress, I see absolutely nothing wrong with it."

"Seriously princess, you see nothing wrong with it at all?"

"Why should I? It is not like they are going out, writing libelous letters and having them printed all over Equestria, right? Nor are they going out, trying to start rebellions and suggesting an idiotic republic like the author of the letter is either."

"Well no, they're not. Now another thing that I noticed is that in the letter, the author called four specific ponies out. What do you think about this? Are you upset that they were called out by name?"

"Actually yes I am but I have a feeling that the author of this letter may be facing libel charges from at least one of those that was listed, and that is if the author is lucky." *gives a smile* "With any luck, the author will be approached by the four that were called out and be punished in a just way."

"Now about the accusations that you and Princess Twilight still engage in sexual activities despite her having been ascended. Is that true?"

"That right there is an outright lie. Despite Twilight and I having had a rather turbulent past, we have something that is closer to a mother/daughter relationship so that is not true." *glares into camera* "Now that right there is enough reason to charge the author with libel and I shall do so. I am also hoping that Princess Twilight and any other pony this author has defamed will file a complaint over this."

"Regarding Twilight and Cadence, the author claims that it was you who raised Twilight in a way that caused her to do what she did with Cadence, despite her being her sister-in-law, what is your response to this?"

"Hey, I don't control what Twilight does all the time and I am certainly not responsible for her urges. I am going to admit, I know this author personally and I have a feeling I know why she wrote this libelous and treasonous letter."

"Princess Celestia, the author of this stated that you would have sex with any random mare and that she was one of them. Was it consensual or did you force yourself on her? Did you two have any sort of falling out that may have led to her doing this?"

"For starters, it was consensual. I did not force herself on her and regarding the falling out, she is just upset because I will not force Princess Twilight to release a drug offender from her dungeon. It is Twilight's job to handle criminals in Ponyville and the author is simply upset Twilight is doing her job."

"The author also brought up you blowing off her reporting instances where Twilight tried to basically rape her. Is this true? Did she ever report such things to you and did you simply blow them off? Did you simply tell her to put out for Twilight so she would stop complaining?"

"That right there is a blatant lie. I would NEVER allow one of my subjects to have to go through such things. Yes Twilight is a princess and is like a daughter to me but I would never allow her or anypony else to get away with such things. These are false accusations solely because Fluttershy is upset that I will not order that she release prisoners that she is close to."

"In the end the author states that you need to be deposed and that Equestria should be a republic since elected officials would never engage in the activities that she claims you do."

*becomes angry* "I have read it" *begins to scowl* "and Fluttershy, you are going to wish that you never mentioned that "R" word in Equestria. The last part of your letter is not only an act of treason, but you are also trying to encourage a rebellion and that will not be tolerated."

*becomes nervous* "So Princess, what sort of action will you be taking against Fluttershy for this?"

"Well for the libel, I am thinking a few months in the dungeon will suffice but for the treasonous ideas of deposing me and even thinking about a republic, death is the only punishment that will suffice."

"But Princess, she is a hero of Equestria! She was an Element......"

"Treason is treason and I have decided to deem her a threat to national security and the only way to handle that kind of pony is death." *begins to laugh* "And I am issuing an executive order for all news outlets to come and air my burning her alive in the West Castle Courtyard LIVE! It is my belief that if everypony sees what happens to traitors, they will know to never even THINK about trying to start a rebellion, overthrow me and they certainly will learn that NOPONY better ever even think that a republic would be better." *speaks louder* "Remember what happened to the earth pony government back in the day Flutters? Remember how their republic failed and their government collapsed? That is what republics are, nothing but failures."

"Well Princess we have ran out of time but thank you for your time and we are glad to know that you aren't this horrible pony that this Fluttershy is claiming you are. You have a good day."

"You as well."

Well Equestria, what is your take? Do you believe that Princess Celestia is hiding anything or do you think that this Fluttershy is nothing more than a troublemaker trying to cause a rebellion, a troublemaker that is engaging in an act of treason? Personally I think this Fluttershy is nothing more than a troublemaker who is trying to defame our beloved Princess and drag her name through the mud.

Week 8 Hiatus Special: Celestia and Twilight's Letter to Equestria

To the citizens of Equestria,

This letter is a response to the recent libelous letter regarding me, my activities, my school and her treasonous beliefs regarding deposing the whole monarchy but also putting a republic in its place.

Regarding Fluttershy, while she has had her good moments in the past, such as being an Element Bearer and aiding in saving Equestria on multiple occasions, she is not this sweet little angel that she is depicted as all over Equestria. You see, she is a seductress and will jump on the opportunity to break any mare's heart just so she could go for somepony else. I will let Twilight go into detail with you here. - Princess Celestia

The facts surrounding Fluttershy are horrid. When I was first sent to Ponyville, it was to study friendship and while it took me a few years to finally befriend her and several other ponies, it finally happened and I thought that everything would be fine. Now we did not get into a relationship right away but after her then marefriend left her for a unicorn mare she had a lot in common with, she came after me.

That is right, she came after me, used a few smooth moves and some sweet words and she managed to seduce me. Now I thought being with her would be perfect but eventually she became controlling, very controlling. Now I loved her, I truly loved her but she became controlling to the point where I could not even leave my castle without her permission, I was constantly both physically and emotionally abused and I could not speak to anypony without her permission to do so most of the time.

I will admit, I was willing to be a doormat but then something happened that may cause everypony's opinion about her to change. She wound up cheating on me with the local vet here in Ponyville, Dr. Fauna. Here is how it went down, those two were making plans to build an animal sanctuary when she told me about it and that it "just sort of happened" since they both like animals. Now tell me, would you really be willing to believe the words of an amoral pony such as her? Are you really going to allow a rant from her to change your opinion about the benevolent and loving Princess Celestia?

And that isn't the worst of it. She is also a professor in my School of Friendship and all the students know about how she is. She is continuing to engage in sexual activities with the vet and all the students know it. What is worse is that one student dislikes her so much because of this that she has requested that I terminate her employment. Now if she weren't so good at teaching kindness, I would give her the boot.

Another horrible thing about her, she is a liar. You know how she claimed I molested her on a map mission? That is a lie and it was her who did something illegal. I was simply standing a bit too close to her and she threw me out of the balloon. I was unable to catch myself and I hit the ground, hard. I could have been either seriously injured or killed. That makes her guilty of attempting to assassinate a princess but in the end Celestia and I let it slide because we figured locking her up would be squandering federal funds on a pony who is undeserving of the easy life in the dungeon.

Now I shall turn things back over to Princess Celestia. - Princess Twilight Sparkle

Ok, now I am sure some of you saw the report on ENN regarding her accusations. Now I will be transparent and admit to having an encounter with her. What was going on was that she felt like everypony hated her and wanted me to make her feel loved, she basically asked me to have sex with her. Basically she seduced me even though she claims to love that vet she cares so much about.

Now after that, she acted like I wanted more from her and demanded that I force Princess Twilight to free a couple of criminals from her dungeon if I wanted her to continue to come up and visit me. Well I told her that I would not betray Twilight and stab her in the back for her and she vowed that I would pay for not siding with her. Naturally we know what she meant by that and now here we are, Princess Twilight and I are responding to her libelous and treasonous letter with our own letter.

Now tell me Equestria, what is your opinion of a pony who has brought up sexual activities involving ponies who has her own past of infidelity? What is your opinion of a pony who is openly trying to start a rebellion by urging everypony to overthrow the monarchy and move the nation into the same style of government that failed the earth ponies prior to the foundation of Equestria?

Fluttershy is a pony who has an ax to grind with not just Princess Twilight but myself as well. Now I did admit to some of the things she accused me of but the truly bad things she claimed are false. Those things are simply things to try and start a rebellion! Now please think long and hard before you decide who to side with. Remember, I have never once cheated on anypony nor have I seduced a pony who is already taken! Also remember, Princess Twilight had her sweet, loving heart crushed by this disloyal pony who wrote that letter.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight Sparkle

Special: A Very Minty Christmas

Dear Minty,

You are such a klutz. We can not believe that you would just break the glowing candy cane. Thanks to you Santa almost didn't come. Luckily, you got your flank up to the north pole in no time and got him to come. We have some advice, don't go messing with that thing in the future, ok?

Sincerely,

Your Fellow Ponyville Residents

To My Fellow Ponyville Residents,

Look, I'm sorry ok? You know I can be sort of clumsy sometimes but what matters is that I was able to get up to the north pole, let Santa know what was going on and he came. So everything turned out ok, right?

Sincerely,

Minty

Dear God Emperor Goldner,

Do you think you could just tell Santa where Ponyville is so that in the future when I break the candy cane again, I won't have to travel up to the north pole just to let him know what happened? It would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Minty

Dear Minty,

That will not be necessary because I have hired someone of great importance to create your replacements. G3 is dying and the time has come for a newer, much better generation that will be made for families, not just little girls. Don't worry though, out of all the show's characters, you are the most well liked. While you won't show up in the new generation, maybe you will wind up in future fan fictions that I know will be written.

Sincerely,

God-Emperor Goldner

Dear God-Emperor Goldner,

We know you said no earlier but could you please let Starlight Glimmer adopt us? You see, our parents are never there for us and we know for a fact that Starlight will adopt us. You see, we have been in contact with her and she thinks of us as like daughters and even better, Princess Twilight said it would be ok for us to move in! If it is ok with Twilight, it must certainly be ok. Just let her adopt us, pleeeease! :applecry:

Sincerely,

Toolaroola and Coconut Cream

Dear Toolaroola and Coconut Cream,

Tell you what, after this generation of ponies is over and we move on to G5, Starlight can adopt you. I want to warn you though, she will likely be married to a very narcissistic mare, one that I think would be a bad influence on you. But hey, once this generation is over, it won't really matter. However, I'm pretty sure Starlight won't let her corrupt you into narcissistic little fillies.

Sincerely,

God-Emperor Goldner

Special: Human Colgate's New Property!

Dear Pony Colgate,

You are not going to believe this but I managed to land myself something special. You remember that Fluttershy bitch you came and nearly killed? Guess what, I own her now! Yep, she belongs to me and she does what I say! Yes when she was first released from the hospital I wanted to finish the job that you started but then my urges got the best of me, and then my desire to own a bitch I really didn't like.

Here is what I did, I decided to act all sweet and innocent when she got out of the hospital. Hell, I even found a way to get the teeth you ripped out from her put back in. After that, she thought I was the complete opposite of you! She thought I was all sweet and innocent and that I actually gave a flying fuck about her. Now I shall tell you what is the funniest of all.

After I had her all convinced that I was sweet and cared about her, she fell in love with me! Yep, she fell in love with Canterlot High's four time most sadistic bitch. After that, I convinced her to join me at the courthouse and we went before the JP and got married! Yep, I OWN her now. She is my property and my parents are incredibly proud of me! You remember how she had Sci-Twi on a leash, well the roles are reversed, I have her on a leash and she wears a shirt stating that I own her.

Now don't worry about anyone claiming I forced it on her because even if I did, I'd get away with it. Her family may be friends with people in high places but my family and I are friends with people in even higher places! We are friends with the lifetime dictator of our fine country and to make things even better, we are friends with his son too so when he dies, we'll still be in the clear. His grandson is still a bit young to understand friendship but hey, once he gets older we'll befriend him too and I'll have my little Shy forever!

Anyway I thought I'd let you know about my recent exploits. Now what is going on with the Shy in your world, I'm not sure but I do hope you eventually do something really terrible to her. Whether it be you lulling her into a false sense of security, making her think you've changed, forgiven her, love her and then convince her to marry you or perhaps something not so pleasant, I will be thrilled. Whatever it is though, I know that since you are close to Princess Celestia, you'll be able to get away with it!

Hoping You Do Something Terrible to Pony Fluttershy,

Human Colgate

Human Colgate,

Now that is fucking sweet! I never once would have imagined that you'd pull something like that. I always thought that you'd wind up finishing the job I started but what you're doing is much more satisfying I can imagine. With what you're doing, you OWN her, you can force her to do whatever you want and not face any repercussions at all! You know those fingers you have? I would advise you violate your property with them, very frequently. I doubt they are as sensitive as unicorn horns but still, you could be rough with her and tell her that it is simply what the dominant wife does to the sub!

Now given the fact that your friends are up at the top of the food chain, Shy and her underling friends are powerless. I know that at some point some of them may feel sorry for her, even pony Twilight, and may try to do something to rescue her, do whatever it takes to prevent that. It wouldn't matter if you killed them and buried them in a shallow grave, you'd get away with it.

Regarding pony Fluttershy, I have plans for her, very, very FUN plans. Now yeah they don't involve me being all sweet and shit but trust me, you're going to love hearing about them!

Happy You Own Human Shy,

Pony Colgate

Week 11 Hiatus Special: Informing Celesta

Dear Princess Celestia,

I don't know how exactly to break this to you but Fluttershy was brutally attacked in her cottage a couple of nights ago and is currently in ICU in critical condition and on life support and I think I know why. I had been in contact with my old friends and they are extremely angry about how Fluttershy called them out by name in that treasonous letter of hers.

Now this is why I think I know what happened. They contacted me and threatened me that something incredibly terrible would happen if I did not release Fluttershy. Because of that threat, which likely included the Pie Sisters paying me a visit, I released Fluttershy early on last Sunday evening and then it was that night that I believe my Canterlot friends came down to Ponyville, broke into her cottage and brutally attacked her.

This had the tell tale signs of what Colgate would do. I remember when Fluttershy threatened her and she responded by telling her that she would tear her a few new assholes. From what I understand, when Fluttershy was found clinging to life her body was full of holes. Not just that but also all her legs were broken, she had a broken wing, she had suffered some major head trauma, she had suffered broken ribs and apparently they ripped her tail out and took it home with them as some sort of trophy.

I am going to admit, I did torture Fluttershy some and I am still pissed at her for what she did but even I wouldn't go as far as doing what they did. Now I just hope that things will not be tied to me. I just hope it will not be discovered that I am somewhat responsible for what happened. I just hope this will blow over with no real problems.

Worried,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well we think that we probably better let you know something before you read about an alleged "crime" that happened in Ponyville. Well we were in contact with Twilight because we decided that somepony had to be punished for not just slandering us, but slandering you and for trying to incite a rebellion, advocate overthrowing you and suggesting a damn republic.

What we did is we conned Twilight into freeing Fluttershy much earlier than she should have so we could set our plan in action. After she freed her, she returned to her cottage and we sneaked over there and once night fell, we broke in and attacked her. Many ponies may think what we did was unjust and brutal but we did what we believed needed to be done.

Now I don't know if you have heard from Twilight or not but we figure we may as well share with you the damages. In our exploits, we broke one of her wings, Minuette drilled holes in her with a corkscrew, we broke all four of her legs, we broke her ribs and prior to our departing, Minuette ripped her tail out and took it home with her as a trophy.

Now if the authorities were to tie this crime to us, what do we do? What do we tell them about what happened because we would likely be ponies of interest since Flutterbitch called us out by name?

Concerned,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

P.S. Princess Celestia, I do want to let you know this isn't the first Fluttershy I have attacked. You see, a while back when Sunset Shimmer needed a new diary or whatever the fuck she called it, she went to Twilight's castle and told Starlight Glimmer about it. Apparently Starlight knew about my nature because Sunset brought up something about a Fluttershy controlling and abusing a Twilight in the human world.

Now I never have liked Fluttershy and figured I wouldn't the human one either. Once we got to her house and liberated the human Twilight, I did to human Fluttershy what I did to pony Fluttershy and took some of her hair as a trophy. So it was that encounter that gave me the idea of what to do this time and the whole trophy thing, well I have some of human Fluttershy's hair right next to pony Fluttershy's tail in my dresser. I figure I may as well be honest with you since we have always been 100% honest and transparent with one another - Dr. M. Colgate

Dear Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts,

Sweet! That must have been something, punishing that little bitch who not only called you out by name but also slandered me and advocated overthrowing me. What I want to say is THANK YOU for avenging me. I hope now that that little bitch will know not to fuck with any of us from this point forward. Oh and if the authorities come after you, don't worry. I will make sure they can't touch you. Remember, I am the head princess in Equestria and I have decided to make the four of you immune to any criminal charges.

Oh and Minuette, that is really kick ass what you did in the human world. Now I would normally never advocate anypony going to that damn place but since it was to punish a Fluttershy, I'm fine with it. Regarding you having hair from human Fluttershy and pony Fluttershy's tail, this is something I have got to see! I will come visit you this weekend and we can admire your trophies together!

Always Looking Out for You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

You did what? You released Fluttershy long before you should have despite you hating her? Good grief, I can't help but wonder if maybe you still don't have a soft spot for her even though she slandered you AND she broke your heart. Now you better be glad that your old friends managed to put her in her place. Had she simply been released and not suffered any further, I would have contacted the Pie Sisters and turned them loose on you and her.

Now I do hope you are doing your job and are still torturing that junkie and that vet you claim to hate so much. Now if the authorities ask you if you know anything, tell them that you won't speak to them without an attorney present and have them contact me. I am not about to have those who I care about the most being subjected to legal persecution.

Now just try and act normal around your friends and if that is too hard for you, come up to Canterlot and visit your friends here. You don't have to act around them, alright?

Looking Out for You,

Princess Celestia

Week 12 Hiatus Special: Shy Family Correspondence

Mr. and Mrs. Shy,

I regret to inform you that your daughter, Fluttershy, has been the victim of a brutal attack in her home and is currently in the intensive care unit at Ponyville General Hospital. In the attack, she was drilled full of holes, she had a wing broken, she had her legs broken, she had her ribs broken, she suffered severe head trauma and her tail was pulled out. I think it would likely be best if you come to visit her right away because we are unsure as to whether or not she will survive.

Best Regards,

Dr. Horse

Dr. Horse,

What? Our daughter was brutally attacked like that? We will be there ASAP and whoever is responsible for this crime will pay. Nopony does this to our daughter and gets away with it, nopony!

Mr. and Mrs. Shy

Dear Princess Celestia,

We just found out what happened to our daughter. We just found out that she is in the intensive care unit at Ponyville General and we have reason to believe that YOU are responsible for it. We know that you are upset over that letter Fluttershy had printed in all the newspapers across the country. We know how vindictive you can be and if you didn't do it, we are certain that somepony close to you or ponies did it.

Mark our words, you and your cohorts will pay for this. We will see to it that the nation knows about this and that you will be deposed and then locked up where you belong.

Demanding Justice,

Mr. and Mrs. Shy

Mr. and Mrs. Shy,

You honestly think I would have anything to do with the attack on your daughter? Look, I am far too busy to even plan such a thing, much less have it set up and I certainly wouldn't do it. Just in case you don't know, I have things such as daily court to deal with, meetings with mayors across the country to deal with and of course I have to raise and set the sun. Now do me a favor and quit making these sorts of accusations. I have enough stress in my life already, I don't need any more.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dr. M. Colgate, Lemon Hearts, Moondancer and Twinkleshine,

Look, we know what happened to our daughter and given that she called you four out by name, we have reason to believe that you are responsible for the attack on our daughter. Our daughter had told us about how Dr. Colgate had threatened to drill her full of holes in the past and she had holes in her when she was found. Trust us you four, if it does turn up that you four are responsible for this, we will see to it that you are punished accordingly.

All we can say is that you four better hope that Fluttershy does not die because if she does and you four did this, you will all be guilty of 1st degree murder and hopefully be put to death. To be honest, we think you four should be put to death regardless.

Demanding Justice Against You,

Mr. and Mrs. Shy

Mr. and Mrs. Shy,

You don't have to worry about us because we have better things to do than go attacking other ponies. Yes your daughter committed libel against all four of us but we certainly didn't go and attack her. What do you think we are, barbarians?

Best Regards,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

P.S. Just so you know, I am a dentist and I put in long hours, very long hours at my practice in Canterlot. I do not even have the time to travel to Ponyville, much less attack anypony. I have to go to my office early, I have a full day of appointments, I have to stay late to make sure my office is clean and often times I have to go in on weekends and handle patient records so it is quite obvious that I have no time to go attacking ponies, got it? - Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Week 13 Hiatus Special: Speculation in the Ponyville Express

To the Citizens of Ponyville,

As all of you know, it has been three weeks since the brutal attack on local resident and animal lover Fluttershy and there is still no evidence as to who could have committed this crime. Now we are a fair and balanced publication and do not wish to make any speculations but we also like to throw some fun into things, even the tragic events. So we are giving you, the citizens of Ponyville a chance to share your speculation with us. Who do you think did it and why?

Curious,

The Ponyville Express

My belief is that Fluttershy likely paid off some ponies to do this to her so that she would have more mud to sling at not only our beloved Princess Celestia, but those honorable ponies from up in Canterlot. For all we know she could have hired the local dentist to do it so that Dr. Colgate's office up in Canterlot would get shut down and force more ponies to have to come down here.

Sharing My Beliefs,

Mr. Breezy

To be honest, I think that Princess Luna was behind it. After all, she has been jealous of her older sister for years and the fact that Fluttershy slandered Celestia not that long ago likely caused the Princess of the Night to see an opportunity. The attack did happen after sunset so it very well could have been her. I personally think her sleeping chambers need to be searched to see if Fluttershy's tail is in there. Come on Princess Celestia, search Luna's room and prove your innocence!

Davenport

I think it was those four ponies who are so close to Celestia that Fluttershy called out. I know how those four are, especially Dr. Colgate. They are friends of Twilight and she has told me about how vindictive they can be, especially how violent Dr. Colgate can be. Princess Celestia your Majesty, if y'all want to clear your name, search the houses of those four and I know you'll find my friend's tail.

And if it isn't those four, search the Pie Family's rock farm because I could easily see it being Limestone and Marble Pie. After all, those two have committed a violent crime against my friend in the past and I think they could have done it again.

Speaking the Truth,

Applejack

The Great and Powerful Trixie thinks that Twilight was behind it. After all, Twilight does have a bad history with Fluttershy so it would make perfect sense that she was behind it. From what Trixie understands, Twilight did free her from her dungeon earlier on the day that she was attacked. Trixie thinks that Twilight did that so that she could make somepony else look responsible. Search Twilight's castle for the tail and clear everypony else!

Speculating,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

While I do not live in Ponyville nor do I know much about some of the ponies involved, I actually think that Fluttershy not only drilled the holes in herself but also ripped her tail out. I think she then buried it behind her cottage and then instructed that bear of hers to injure her just so she could sling mud at my aunt Celestia along with my incredibly sexy sister-in-law and those four mares from Canterlot. Search the ground behind her cottage and you'll certainly find the tail there. Do that so you can clear everypony else's names and put and end to this fiasco.

Princess Cadence

To the Ponyville Express,

Thanks a lot, now it is going to be impossible to get a good investigation done because of all this speculation. Chances are we will likely never find the culprit. All we have now is a bunch of hearsay and anypony who may have known the remotest thing about this will now likely have nothing more than biased opinions.

Officer Silver Shield....Police Chief of the Ponyville PD

Week 14 Hiatus Special: The Investigation

Author's Note

The following chapter will not be in letter format. It will be in a back and forth dialogue format since it involves interrogation.

Week 14 Hiatus Special: The Investigation

The Interrogation of Twinkleshine

"Twinkleshine, from what I understand, you were not very happy when Fluttershy called you out by name in her letter that was published across Equestria. Is that correct?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"What was your reaction to her calling you out by name and what she said about you? Were you upset?"

*calmly* "I will admit, I was upset over it. I was very upset."

"Were you upset enough that you would want to cause bodily harm to Fluttershy? Did it anger you enough that you would have a desire to harm her or even try to kill her?"

*calmly* "No, it did not. Yes I was angry but I would never inflict bodily harm on anypony for any reason."

"While you are stating that you did not commit this crime, I have reason to believe that you know other ponies that Fluttershy pointed out. Do you know anything about their whereabouts on the evening of January 6th?"

*calmly* "Yes, the four of us were having supper at Minuette's house and watching the hoofball playoffs."

"From what I understand, you also know Princess Twilight Sparkle. Do you know anything about her whereabouts on the evening in question?"

"No, I do not. Yes Twilight and I are friends but she does not come up to visit me on a regular basis."

"Fluttershy also called out Princess Celestia in her letter and made some rather harsh accusations about her. Do you think that she may have traveled to Ponyville and done something to Fluttershy?"

"No, I do not. Princess Celestia is not the type to engage in such activities. Now I could see her perhaps giving her a stern talking to, fining her or perhaps putting her in the dungeon for a while but I could never see her trying to kill anypony."

"Well thank you for your time, your information will be valuable in helping us solve this crime."

*calmly* "I hope you can catch whoever did this and justice can be served."

All Silver Shield could do was sigh in frustration as there were no holes at all in Twinkleshine's responses. He could only hope that by interviewing her friends, that their stories would not match.

The Interrogation of Moondancer

"Moondancer, from what I understand, you were not very happy when Fluttershy called you out by name in her letter that was published across Equestria. Is that correct?"

"No I was not. Would you be thrilled if somepony did the same to you?"

"Well no but this is about you, not me. So what was your reaction to her calling you out by name and what she said about you? Were you upset?"

*calmly* "Like I said, I was not happy. Yes I was upset, angry to be more accurate."

"Were you upset enough that you would want to cause bodily harm to Fluttershy? Did it anger you enough that you would have a desire to harm her or even try to kill her?"

"No. Yes what she said in that letter was slanderous but I am not the type of pony to go harming or killing others over such things."

"Yes, I do. The four of us were having supper at Minuette's house, enjoying hayburgers and watching the hoofball playoffs."

"From what I understand, you also know Princess Twilight Sparkle. Do you know anything about her whereabouts on the evening in question?"

"To be honest, I do not. I am unsure as to what Twilight Sparkle was doing but I do know that she is no fan of going out in the cold so she was likely in her castle."

"Fluttershy also called out Princess Celestia in her letter and made some rather harsh accusations about her. Do you think that she may have traveled to Ponyville and done something to Fluttershy?"

"Princess Celestia is a kind, loving and benevolent ruler so I do not think she would do such a thing over something as small as the type of letter she wrote."

"Well thank you for your time, your information will be valuable in helping us solve this crime."

"I certainly hope so, you have a good day."

So far things were looking like the four from Canterlot did not commit the crime but there were still more ponies to question so Silver Shield still had hope.

The Interrogation of Lemon Hearts

"Lemon Hearts, from what I understand, you were not very happy when Fluttershy called you out by name in her letter that was published across Equestria. Is that correct?"

"I was very unhappy over it. It angered me that a pony who barely knows us would make such accusations."

"So what was your reaction to her calling you out by name and what she said about you? Were you upset?"

"I think we already went over this. I already said that I was not happy about it."

"Were you upset enough that you would want to cause bodily harm to Fluttershy? Did it anger you enough that you would have a desire to harm her or even try to kill her?"

"Never would I even plot to harm another pony, much less actually do it."

"I do know them and as far as where we were, we were at Minuette's eating supper and watching the hoofball playoffs."

"From what I understand, you also know Princess Twilight Sparkle. Do you know anything about her whereabouts on the evening in question?"

"I know nothing about where she was on the night in question. I would assume she was in her castle but I don't monitor her every movement so I couldn't be completely sure."

"Fluttershy also called out Princess Celestia in her letter and made some rather harsh accusations about her. Do you think that she may have traveled to Ponyville and done something to Fluttershy?"

"The very thought that Princess Celestia would harm anypony is slander in its own right. Yes the princess was angry over this but she definitely would never kill anypony over libel."

"Well thank you for your time, your information will be valuable in helping us solve this crime."

"Hopefully it will. You have a good day."

While Lemon Hearts seemed to be a bit more hostile than Twinkleshine and Moondancer, her story lined up with that of the other two. He thought to himself, "Well maybe Minuette can provide some insight on this."

The Interrogation of Minuette

"Minuette, from what I understand, you were not very happy when Fluttershy called you out by name in her letter that was published across Equestria. Is that correct?"

"I was not happy at all. The very fact that somepony would go as far as to make such false claims about us pissed me off, really pissed me off."

"So what was your reaction to her calling you out by name and what she said about you? Were you upset?"

"Look, I just said that it pissed me off. I don't know why you're asking me again."

"Were you upset enough that you would want to cause bodily harm to Fluttershy? Did it anger you enough that you would have a desire to harm her or even try to kill her?"

"No. Nopony is worth going to jail over, especially that little slut."

"I do know them and as far as where we were, we were at the sports lounge watching the hoofball playoffs and celebrating Canterlot ripping Manehattan a few new assholes."

"From what I understand, you also know Princess Twilight Sparkle. Do you know anything about her whereabouts on the evening in question?"

"Twilight's whereabouts? What do I look like, her fucking foalsitter? Of course I don't know where the fuck she was."

"Fluttershy also called out Princess Celestia in her letter and made some rather harsh accusations about her. Do you think that she may have traveled to Ponyville and done something to Fluttershy?"

"The very thought that Princess Celestia would harm anypony is slander in its own right. Yes the princess was angry over this but" *begins to laugh* "she certainly wouldn't hang her even though she deserves it."

"Well thank you for your time, your information will be valuable in helping us solve this crime."

"We shall see. You have a good day."

Finally Silver Shield was beginning to have some hope. Dr. Colgate's story did not line up with those of her friends, her very confrontational attitude and some of her comments was giving him reason to believe that the four were all lying, they committed the crime and Minuette simply couldn't control her anger or be as composed like the others did. After this, he knew there was only one other pony to question, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

The Interrogation of Princess Twilight Sparkle

"Princess Twilight, as you are aware, a pony you have a rather turbulent past with was brutally attacked and is currently in the hospital, clinging to life in the intensive care unit. What do you know about this?"

"Well I know Fluttershy was attacked and put in the hospital and that is it. I'm not her doctor so how the hell would I know anything else?"

"From what I understand, you had her locked up in your dungeon over her libelous claims and treasonous statements in her letter to the nation. Is that correct?"

"Yes it was. You see, libel is a very serious offense and she got off easy on the treason. Had Princess Celestia decided to handle her herself, she would have already been burned alive or fucked up in one way or another."

"Were you upset when she brought you up in her letter and made the accusations she did against you?"

"Well no shit I was. Anypony would be angry over such accusations, especially accusations that would be seen by the whole nation."

"From what I understand, The Great and Powerful Trixie brought up in a letter to the paper that you released Fluttershy much earlier than what she should have been. She brought up that you released her on the evening right before the attack. Was there any specific reason you did that?"

*flares up horn* "Look, I just figured that skank had been freeloading in my dungeon for long enough and besides, it gave her time to talk to that junkie friend of hers she loves so much, well her and that bitch vet that she likes to fuck all the time."

"Very well. From what I understand, you are friends with the four ponies that Fluttershy had called out. Do you know anything about their whereabouts on the night of January 6th?"

"I know they are hoofball fans and Minuette is plenty wealthy. For all I know, she could have bought tickets for all of them, they headed to Manehattan and went to the game to cheer the Canterlot team on."

"Now Fluttershy also brought up Princess Celestia. Not only did she accuse her of horrible things but also brought up overthrowing her and establishing a republic. Do you think Princess Celestia may have had anything to do with this.*

*Grabs Silver Shield in Aura* "You know what, you are probably on that bitch's side." *intensifies hold* "Fine, I know what happened. I was communicating with those four and they convinced me to release Flutterskank early so they could go and fuck that slut up like she deserves."

"Very well. Thank you for your information. I now believe I can press charges."

*laughs* "Oh just you wait Silver Shit, you won't be pressing charges on anypony if Celestia has her way!"

Finally Officer Silver Shield believed he had everything he needed. He knew that Minuette's non-matching story was part of it but given that Twilight basically admitted it, he knew this would pretty much be an open and shut case. He believed that justice would be served for Fluttershy. There was only one final thing he had to do before pressing charges, notify Princess Celestia.

Week 15 Hiatus Special: Report and Response Regarding the Crime

From the Desk of Officer Silver Shield

Sunday, February 10, 2019 C.E.

Princess Celestia,

After the questioning of multiple ponies, I have come to believe that charges can finally be pressed in the brutal attack on Fluttershy. I have come to the following conclusions.

Because of responses in the questioning of Princess Twilight Sparkle, I discovered that Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine did indeed travel to Ponyville on the evening of January 6, 2019 C.E. I came to this conclusion because Twilight admitted that the reason she released Fluttershy early was so they could "fuck her up" as Twilight put it.
Minuette's story did not match up with that of Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine and Moondancer. Minuette was also very confrontational during her interrogation. If she had nothing to hide, she would not have been confrontational, she would not have lied nor would she have been so rude.
The behavior of Princess Twilight Sparkle. When I questioned her, she was extremely confrontational, was horribly snide and immobilized me with her magic, which is a crime in itself. Because of all this, I am ready to press the following charges:

-- Attempted Murder in the first degree against Dr. M. Colgate.

-- Attempted Murder in the first degree against Twinkleshine.

-- Attempted Murder in the first degree against Moondancer.

-- Attempted Murder in the first degree against Lemon Hearts.

-- Accessory to Attempted Murder in the first degree against Princess Twilight Sparkle.

-- Using magic to immobilize a police officer against Princess Twilight Sparkle.

I will be sending deputies out to arrest the five charged so that closure can be reached on this crime. Also, if Fluttershy was to pass, those attempted murder charges would become murder charges.

Officer Silver Shield, Chief of Police, Ponyville Police Department

From the Vastly Superior Desk of Princess Celestia

Officer Silver Shield,

Look, I don't give a shit what you found out in your "investigation." I am hereby declaring Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine and Princess Twilight immune to any and all charges and subsequent arrest regarding this incident involving Fluttershy. Also, I forbid you from pressing charges against Twilight for grabbing you in her aura solely because I don't like you.

Look, Fluttershy brought this upon herself. If that bitch had not had the audacity to release slanderous accusations in that letter and had she not committed TREASON, I may be thinking otherwise. Now let me make myself clear, if you try and press any charges against them, I will burn you alive in the courtyard below my balcony! On top of that, I will order every news agency to come and cover it and in the case of ENN, air it live! Hell, I might just burn your subordinate officers alive just for the fun of it as well.

Now do me a favor, head to Sugarcube Corner and do what cops do best, stuff your face with donuts. Now in the meantime, I have a delicious cake waiting for me and if my cake goes cold, I'll blame you and throw you in Tartarus.

Ready to Eat Cake,

Princess Celestia

Special: My Shy is Expecting!

Dear Pony Colgate,

Do you remember how I told you I married Fluttershy and she is my property now? Well I'm going to let you know that things are going quite well. She is being a good little, subservient housewife while my family is reaping the benefits of being friends with the lifetime dictator. She is cooking and cleaning while we just sit around, watch TV, make messes for her to clean up and make plans on how we're going to kill her family since they have been bothering us here lately. Yes we could simply get restraining orders on them but if we all spill a little bit, I mean a lot of blood, we'll all be much happier.

While I am happy that I have a sweet, subservient little wife that does what I say, I decided I wanted a kid. So what I did is I took her to the local sperm bank and had her impregnated. How it works is they will inject a sperm cell into her egg and fertilize it. Now I made sure they injected one that carried the X chromosome so she would be sure to give birth to a girl. What is going to happen then? Well Fluttershy will be the nice, doting mother while I will sit around with my family and play cards or make plans to kill someone just for shits and giggles. Now once our daughter gets older, I will begin to mold her into what I want her to be.

Now what do I want to mold her into? I want to mold her into a person who will be just like you! Yep, I'm going to mold her to be studious, gain an interest in dentistry and make sure she grows up to be one even if it means our most powerful friend forcing the university to pass her regardless of how she does. I will also instill a lot of the things that drive you in her. I will raise her to realize that bloody punishments are often warranted, I will teach her that greed is good and I will raise her that if she ever gets the chance to get a sweet, subservient girl under her control and make her her property, that she should do so!

I'll be sure and keep in contact with you but once Fluttershy's due date is arriving, I will send you an invite to come see my daughter be born and then to celebrate, we can go kill Fluttershy's family so that they won't try and be a bad influence on my daughter. We certainly can't have them getting a hold of her and raising her to be nice now can we?

Planning on Raising a Daughter to be Just Like You,

Human Colgate

Dear Human Colgate,

Wow, now that is even sweeter than you simply marrying her! I am so happy to know that she is being a good little housewife while you and your family sit around and make her wifely duties more difficult. Now I would advise that all of you be as big of slobs as possible. Make terrible messes, leave dirty plates laying around, vomit on the floor on purpose and as far as your dad and any brothers go, make sure they miss the toilet on purpose! Make sure that your little Shy will have to clean that bathroom often! Oh and don't forget to leave your laundry laying around so she will have to pick it up off the floor before washing it.

Now the fact that you had her impregnated is so fucking awesome! What is even better is that you will make your little Shy handle all the terrible shit like dirty diapers and feeding her while you'll mold her into a person who is going to wind up being fucking awesome. Now I do have some advice though, don't do anything that will require your little Shy to have to clean anything with any chemicals while she is knocked up because I'm sure you don't want her breathing in any fumes that would damage your daughter because it would really suck if she came out with brain damage. Now once she gives birth, make her life hell with the cleaning!

By the way, I accept your invitation on coming over and being there for the baby's birth and then of course going and killing your little wife's family. I do agree, you can't have them being a bad influence on your daughter and after the birth, you certainly can't have them trying to pressure you little Shy into divorcing you because that would truly suck, especially if she was to get custody. In the meantime though, have fun making messes and making your dutiful little wife clean them up!

Sincerely,

Pony Colgate

P.S. You know, I'm thinking that if Fluttershy does survive what I along with my friends did to her and she eventually heals, I may decide to trick her. I'm thinking I'll be all nice and sweet to her, offer her free dental appointments and even treat her to dinner on a regular basis. Perhaps if I do that, she will think I have changed and will fall in love with me. Then I could get her to marry me, I could learn impregnation magic, give her horn sex, knock her up WITH A FILLY and then do to her what you're doing with your Shy! Think I should do it? Think I should have us be more alike than we already are?

Also, make damn sure you raise your daughter to be a lesbian! Now if she was to ever show signs of being straight at some point, bring her over to me and I will use my magic to make sure she turns out like you and me. Just imagine how embarrassing it would be if she were to turn out straight and allow herself to be penetrated by boys, that would really suck wouldn't it?

Special: Seriously, Only Nine Seasons?

Dear God-Emperor Goldner,

Look, we want to know something. Why the hell are you cancelling us after the end of season nine? Are we not loved enough anymore for you to keep us going? Are our toy sales not doing so well? Are people getting bored of us so you decide to make plans to replace us with ponies who won't be nearly as awesome as us?

We've seen the leaked concept art and if that is what you plan on doing with us, fuck that shit! Twilight is not happy that you want to strip her of what I have ascended her into being, Applejack is pissed you want to change her personality, Starlight and Trixie are not thrilled that you won't be giving them their own series centering around what will include them being married and my sister and I are pissed that we won't be there.

Here is another thing I wonder, are you doing this because the writers have run out of ideas or do you think a new generation will allow you to afford more mega-yachts? If that is the case, I have a news flash for you, it won't! Trying to do better than us will pretty much be impossible. I have some advice for you, if you must do a new generation, start from scratch. Have your people create completely new ponies in a completely new world. If you do that, maybe you can afford more mansions.

Just know this, you are devastating many of the humans who watch us and mark my words, nothing will ever be as popular as us, EVER! Now go and think about how you are dooming the franchise to a huge setback, go and think how much worse it will be than those G3.5 freaks that preceded all of us in Equestria.

Hoping You Can't Buy Any More Yachts,

Princess Celestia

P.S. When G5 bombs on you, just bring us back in the way we are right now....with the exception of Trixie and Starlight being married, overthrowing Cadence and Shining Armor and ruling up there instead. That would make this world 100% perfect!

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, we are simply doing what we think will help the company. If you would visit my world you would see that the My Little Pony toy sections in a lot of stores are decreasing because of a decrease in sales. Look, I know we are pissing a lot of you off and to be honest, blame the writers for running out of material. If they could keep on continuing with original story lines, we'd keep you guys running clear up until 2030 or later but you really don't want to become like a cartoon in my world that has become stale do you?

You see, that cartoon, the Simpsons, has been running since 1989 in our world and it has become horribly stale and has decreased in quality significantly. We think it would be far better if we don't let you become a low-grade form of entertainment that only appeals to people who don't give a shit about quality. Besides, I really don't feel like having Twilight bitching to me about being excluded from episodes for the next twenty years. I'll let you in on a secret, her bitching has sent my blood pressure through the roof and that isn't healthy for us humans.

Now regarding what your replacements will be like, I'm not sure. That will be up to the creators and to be honest, as long as we turn a profit I won't give a shit. I won't give a shit whether they are completely new ponies or if they are bastardized, hideous abominations that carry your name and are nothing like you.

Also, I need you to tell Starlight and Trixie that they should be glad they won't be included in the next generation. They should be happy because I certainly know they wouldn't be a couple and once you ascend Starlight, she wouldn't be that way in the next generation because we are scrapping Alicorns. You see, some people are bitching about how your kind are pretty much better than everypony else. We call these people snowflakes over here, people who don't like the idea of power structures and any kind of inequality, kind of how Starlight used to be.

Now I'm going to tell all of you something. Celestia, go and have fun with Twilight's old friends and you go tell Twilight to keep torturing that junkie and have fun with Cadence. Also, if Fluttershy ever heals, tell your adoptive daughter to not bother her because you know the drill. If Fluttershy winds up becoming psychologically damaged because of her, your real daughter will suffer the consequences.

Telling it Like it is,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

P.S. If G5 bombs, we will likely wait a while before we would do a G6 and sorry but unless the country I live in becomes more open minded, StarXie won't happen. A lesbian couple would simply hurt our profits way too much.

Week 16 Hiatus Special: Spreading the Good News

Dear Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,

I have some extremely good news! Using my natural charisma and some really sweet promises, I was able to prevent the four of you from being charged with attempted murder in your incident involving Flutterskank. This must be incredibly wonderful news for the four of you and don't worry, I have warned that crooked cop down there in Ponyville to leave the four of you alone. I told him that if he was to press any charges against those I care the most about, that I would burn him and his subordinate officers alive on live TV! Pretty sweet, huh?

Protecting the Four I Care About Most,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Minuette, my upper right tooth is hurting, I think I might have a cavity. Do you think I could get in sometime for you to take a look at it?

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thanks, we all greatly appreciate it. We were honestly worried that we were going to be punished for doing what we thought was right, punishing a bitch who defamed you and was trying to incite a rebellion. Don't worry Princess Celestia, we've got your back and if you need us to put some tyrannical asshole in their place for you in the future, we'll gladly do it!

Sincerely,

Those You Care the Most About

P.S. Tsk, Tsk! What am I going to do with you? I know you love your cake but could you please at least brush three times a day? I know you are afraid of getting your teeth worked on and brushing is the only way to stop the problems. Regarding me checking out that toothache and likely having to fill a cavity, come in on Saturday, March 30th at 0900 and I can get that taken care of. - Dr M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Princess Twilight,

Well I got everything taken care of regarding that idiot cop down there and those ridiculous charges he wanted to file against you will not happen. You see, I have given you and your Canterlot friends immunity from criminal charges and I warned him that if he tried to arrest you and/or pressed charges, I would burn him alive in the courtyard under my balcony on live TV. Like I told your Canterlot friends, I'm not about to let something happen to those I care most about. Oh and Starlight is immune as well so you won't have to worry about her being arrested for defending my honor if she was to hurt or kill somepony who defamed me.

Also, could you tell Starlight that I am still in negotiations with God-Emperor Goldner about ascending her? Unlike it was with you, he is going to make her go through hell to earn those wings. Hopefully she will wind up killing Tirek, that would be something truly worthy of being ascended.

Hoping to Ascend Starlight,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well thanks but I can not believe this. The moment you get this taken care of you go right back to talking about ascending Starlight! It seems like you are obsessed with it! I know you have been vague about it on a few occasions but I still can't help but wonder if you aren't hiding the fact that she is your daughter. If she really is, just defy Goldner's orders, ascend her into a goddess now and take her home with you. Like I have said, if she is of a royal bloodline, she should be up there with you.

Wondering Why You Love Starlight So Much,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Special: Celestial Displeasure Over the Next Movie

To God-Emperor Goldner,

So I understand that you are going to be making a second My Little Pony movie? I must say that you are taking a pretty big risk considering the one in 2017 didn't do quite as well as we had all hoped. I also understand that it will be released in 2021 which can mean only one thing, it will not be centered around me as it should be! It won't glorify me like I deserve and it won't even include any of us from Equestria, it will be G5.

Also from what I understand, it is going to be CGI/3D. What I would like to know is what the hell are you guys doing over there, sniffing paint or breathing gas fumes? Seriously, don't you know how hideous that is going to look? I thought that almost nopony, I mean no one, liked that style. Isn't that the same thing that this company ran by an icky mouse does with their "animated" movies? Perhaps it is all for the best that you are not going to include any of us because we would all look like shit using that style.

I can't help but wonder, what if that G5 movie bombs so bad and sucks so much that it will turn everyone off to G5? What if all of a sudden you had people demanding the return of me and my serfs, I mean subjects? What if you had people gathering outside of corporate headquarters demanding you bring Friendship is Magic back and demand that I am the star of every episode? What if they demand StarXie and what if they demanded that Starlight and Trixie both be Alicorns and be ruling over the Crystal Empire?

If that were the case, you'd have to cave in to the demands of the fans wouldn't you? I have some advice, just scrap G5, have there be a tenth season and do what I am talking about.

Hoping G5 Bombs,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm going to let you in on something, it is my subordinates that are making the decisions regarding the next movie going to be CGI and not be a sequel to the G4 movie. Now one thing I am going to make sure of though is that the film doesn't have too high of a budget so that if the film doesn't do good in theaters, I won't be prevented from buying a mansion or even worse, having to sell my mega-yacht just to cover the financial loss.

Now you should be happy you and your serfs won't be in this because I will be honest, your gluttonous flank would not look good in CGI. You see, CGI makes ponies look thirty pounds fatter than they are and for those who feast on cake non-stop, it would make them look fifty pounds fatter, especially if they have a sun on their flank. Now you are right about the icky mouse outfit's movies using CGI but hey, if it generates us a profit, it can look terrible and I honestly won't care.

Regarding if that G5 movie is bad, well then it would be bad. By that time, we would likely have already made a season of it and then it could wind up being a throw-away generation like G3.5 was. We could then move on to a G6 and just to spite you, I would have Luna banish you to the sun and have Daybreaker be the one that everypony fears, including your precious little daughter. Also, just to spite you I would have her marry Fluttershy since I know you don't like her and likely never will.

Now I am growing tired of your constant bitching and speculation so I think I shall cut this letter short. I have just had a hot apple pie delivered to me and if it goes cold, I will make sure that Starlight never ascends, ok.

Wishing You'd Leave Me Alone,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Week 17 Hiatus Special: Goldner's Orders

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I am certainly glad to see that the chaos that has been running rampant during the off-season has come to a close for the most part, there is still one problem, Fluttershy's condition.

As of right now, Fluttershy is still in ICU. I have spoken to her doctors and her wing is not healing properly, her legs are not healing properly, she just can't beat that infection that infected her wounds and of course she is missing her tail. Here is the thing, season nine will be beginning before too long and we can not have Fluttershy in this bad of shape and this is where you come into play.

I need you to go to Ponyville and use your magic to heal her entirely. You need to wipe out that infection, you need to wipe out those wounds, you need to properly heal her wing, you need to properly heal her legs and you need to restore her tail. I don't care if you have to use forbidden magic to restore it or if you have to retrieve it from Dr. Colgate and reattach it, I need her ready for season nine.

Now don't fail me Celestia. If you do fail me, I will make sure that a certain goal of yours is never achieved.

Sincerely,

Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Brian,

You what? You want me to use my magic to heal the little bitch who slandered me, tried to start a rebellion and advocated making Equestria a republic? Why the hell would you want her to be healed? I mean look at the country where you reside! It is a republic full of pointless hate, inefficiency, squabbling and horrible politics! Here in Equestria we have a monarchy, a stable government and the pony you want me to heal wants to destroy that!

Look, couldn't we just let her die and replace her with that gray pegasus with the bow in her mane. Hey she has bugs on her butt too so I am guessing that she must have an animal talent as well. What is better about her? She has absolutely no bad blood with any of the main characters of the show, especially my adoptive daughter Twilight and my real daughter, I mean the most talented unicorn in Equestria, Starlight Glimmer.

Please take this into consideration. Also, think of the new Mane Six toy sets you could sell with the other bug butt in them instead! You could probably buy another mega yacht or two with the profits you'd make off of those! Also, just think of the massive profits you would make if you'd just let me ascend Starlight right away. You'd sell so many of those you could probably buy a 100+ room mansion! Now wouldn't that be sweet? Besides, most everypony in Ponyville hates Fluttershy these days so you'd be doing her a favor if you don't make me heal her!

Hoping You'll Just Let Fluttershy Die,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

No, you can not replace Fluttershy with Flitter. Fluttershy is a fan favorite and Flitter is only marginally more well known than Angel Wings. Look, I'll make a deal with you. When you heal her, you can erase this whole republic thing from her mind, alright. Now I am going to say this, you either heal her completely or I will make sure your precious daughter never ascends, alright? To top that off, if you don't heal Fluttershy I will make Starlight straight solely to spite you and you certainly don't want your daughter liking boys now do you?

Making Sure You Heal Fluttershy,

Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Dear Brian,

Fine, I will heal her but I am going to brainwash her to make sure she has no desire for this republic bullshit, alright? Also, I am going to brainwash her into no longer wanting that vet, no longer liking that junkie and being what she should be, a sweet pony who simply loves animals, cares about her friends and worships me as is dictated by law for everypony. Now you better promise me that you will allow Starlight to not only ascend but hook up with Trixie before I do this.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, I approve of your plans for her. I do think that if you can heal her, brainwash her into a good pony and have her make amends with everypony, everything should be fine. Now go and heal her, OR ELSE!

Best Regards,

Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

P.S. I promise that once this is done, I will allow you to ascend Starlight but I can't guarantee StarXie. It would depend on whether it would help or hurt the company's profits.

Week 18 Hiatus Special: Post-Healing Letters

Dear God-Emperor Goldner,

Ok, I healed Fluttershy like you asked. She is as good as new. Her wing is in perfect shape, her legs are in perfect shape, the infection is dead, her ribs are healed, her scars are gone and while mane and tail magic are incredibly tricky, I was able to restore her tail back to what it was. Now I did cleanse her of her desire for a republic and I wiped the lust out of her so she will no longer be trying to seduce anypony. Now given that she will no longer be desiring that vet, I will have Twilight free her.

Now this better be acceptable or I will go and purge a certain undesirable from the Crystal Empire, that disgusting crystaller of theirs will be no more if this does not meet your expectations, got it?

Wanting to Kill Sunburst (Still),

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Alright, what you did is acceptable. Fluttershy will be ready for the season nine premiere and hopefully after an apology to the whole nation, she will be more well liked across Equestria. Ok, I will see to it that your daughter is ascended but I still can't guarantee StarXie becoming canon. If I think it will help the show, I will make it so. If I think it will hurt the company, it will have to remain in the realm of fan fiction.

Best Regards,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Dear Princess Celestia,

It took you long enough but thanks for finally healing our daughter. You have no idea how many times over the past few weeks that we were afraid we were going to lose Fluttershy. We know for a fact that the reason you didn't care is because of that letter that she wrote to the country and we also know the only reason you did this is because the big brass at Hasbro threatened to do bad things to that Starlight Glimmer pony if you didn't come heal her.

Now let's hope this doesn't happen again because if it does, we will let the big brass know much sooner and have them threaten you sooner.

Glad You Healed Our Daughter,

Mr. and Mrs. Shy

Mr. and Mrs. Shy,

Well you're welcome and to be honest, the big brass did threaten me that way. Well hopefully your daughter can improve her image in the eyes of Equestria before too long, well that and make peace with Twilight because harmony between them will likely be necessary. Now hopefully your daughter will be what she is supposed to be, a nice, caring pony who won't stab anypony in the back.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

Dear Fluttershy,

I think you need to know that there are A TON of ponies out there who hate you for everything you have done ever since you seduced Starlight right after her reformation. I don't know how much you remember given all the trauma you went through but I do think you need to issue a major league apology to the whole nation in every newspaper and you can start out by apologizing to those you defamed. Attached to this letter is a copy of the letter you wrote so you can begin writing your apology.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I read that letter and I honestly feel terrible for everything I did. Don't worry, I will admit my wrongs and apologize to everypony, alright?

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Week 19 Hiatus Special: The Final Apology

To the Citizens of Equestria,

I am sure that most, if not all of you, are familiar with me and know that I have not been the nicest pony as of late. While I do not expect forgiveness, I do hope that not so many of you will hate me anymore.

Princess Celestia, I am sorry for making the accusations I did regarding you, your school, your interactions with your students and their interactions with one another. I suppose I was so angry over you not caring about the situation with the Pie Sisters that I simply lost all rational thought. Now I will let you know that I will never forget your lack of action but I do forgive you, I know you were just upset because I broke Twilight's heart.

I am also sorry that I suggested that everypony get together, overthrow the monarchy and turn Equestria into a republic. I have done research on republics since my healing and I must admit, they sound downright horrible! They sound like they are full of all sorts of disharmony, Tirek level disharmony! I know now that we are very lucky to have you as our leader, you have been the rock that has held our great nation together.

Dr. Colgate, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts, I am sorry about the accusations I made against you. Like it is with Celestia's ignorance over the Pie Sister incident, I will never forget what you four did to me but I can forgive you. I know you four were simply not only getting revenge for what I said about you, but also what I said about Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight. I do hope you can forgive me.

Twilight, I am especially sorry for what I did to you. I know that cheating on you was one of the absolute worst things I have ever done in my life. I never once even thought about how much pain I would bring you. I know you loved me more than I deserved and I got what I deserved.

I am also sorry for how I abused you, controlled you and ultimately humiliated you. I guess the power rush I got from eventually controlling you just went to my head. Eventually I just couldn't control myself and that is what led to me thinking I could cheat on you and get away it. I just hope that you can forgive me someday. For now, I just hope that we can be civil towards one another and not fight.

For the rest of the country, I am sorry for how I represented our great nation. I know I was once an Element Bearer and was once considered one of the great heroines of this land but in the end I became nothing more than a sex obsessed embarrassment. I do hope that I can make Equestria proud again someday, I hope that I can do something worthy to be respected again.

Again Equestria, all I can say right now is that I am sorry and I hope I can do things that will make me worthy of everypony's respect again.

Hoping You'll Forgive Me,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

What you did was bad, very bad. The accusations you made and your treasonous statements are things that I will never forget but I suppose that forgiveness is the first step to setting things right. So I figure I can forgive you in time. For now though, just give me time to think about things. Give me time to allow your apology to sink into my head and I should be ready to re-establish the kind of friendship we once had prior to when you seduced Twilight.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

Fluttershy,

As you know the four of us are extremely strong supporters of Princess Celestia and when you made all those claims about her AND attempted to incite a rebellion, we were incredibly angry. We do accept your apology and we do apologize for the actions that we engaged in. Given that we have no real kind of relationship, the apology will be much easier for us to accept than it was for those you work more closely with. Hopefully you can repair all your relationships.

Sincerely,

Dr. M. Colgate, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

Fluttershy,

This is going to be hard, extremely hard. From the moment you began to control me and abuse me it began to hurt, a lot. I loved you and you treated me more like a possession than you did a marefriend. Every time I see you all I can think of is how you cheated on me and broke my heart. While I can be civil towards you, forgiveness is quite a long ways down the road.

Perhaps if we spend more time with one another in public places together, such as Sugarcube Corner, the trust we once had can be re-established.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Week 20 Hiatus Special: Celestia's Requests

Dear God-Emperor Goldner,

Ok, I have done things you have wanted, I healed Fluttershy and I am going to force Twilight to release Dr. Fauna since Fluttershy will no longer lust for her. I did exactly what you wanted but I do have some requests. These requests involve Starlight Glimmer. As you know, I am very close with her and come to think very highly of her and I want to know something. Will you finally allow me to ascend her? Will you finally allow me to reveal to her her true origins? Look, she is wondering why her mother simply had to run off and would like to finally at least know who she is.

Also, could you PLEASE allow Starlight and Trixie to become canon? Those two truly love one another and I think that her happiness would definitely be worth it.

Please at least let me ascend her. She has done a lot and is incredibly powerful so I think she deserves that, at least. Let me know.

Hoping to Ascend Starlight,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have been doing some thinking and fine, you can go ahead and ascend Starlight Glimmer. I am not going to give you an exact time but I am thinking it will be in the series finale, at the end. After all, I know that if Starlight were an Alicorn for too much of the show, the popularity of it would drop since some people don't like her. Oh and regarding Starlight learning about her origins, that will have to wait until after the finale. I say it has to wait that long because I don't feel like seeing the Brony fandom imploding, getting pissed at the company and not even giving G5 a chance even though it will likely suck anyway.

Oh and regarding Starlight and Trixie becoming an item, I think that is likely just too big of a threat to the company's profits so that will have to wait until after the finale as well.

Sincerely,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Special: Winter Wrap Up Hijack

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I did something that Twilight would never do. You know how Twilight always bitched about Winter Wrap Up and always having to get the ponies here organized so they can get this ass backwards event taken care of? Well even with her trying to organize them, they still screwed up. The plowing was still slow going at the apple farm, the animals were being difficult, the nest making was slow going, most of the pegasi were complaining and decided "screw this" and flew off to Las Pegasus the other day and worst of all, Twilight got bit by a snake down south and has been taken out of commission for a few days if you know what I mean.

Now I know I probably shouldn't have done this but I decided I would just end this shit the way any unicorn would, I used magic. What I did was I shot a powerful bolt of energy out of my horn, the energy spread outwards and it cleared everything up! The clouds vanished, the snow melted, the dumb ass animals woke up, the ice melted and suddenly everything was nice, green and warm. Now yeah the nests weren't done but I went and took care of those in under a minute. Now you're not going to believe this but they decided to hold a special election down here to vote on the event. They did a show of hooves vote as to whether I should just do it my way or if they should continue to do it the same, inefficient way they always have. What is great is that now I will be in charge of the event!

So now ponies here won't have to do any physical labor to bring in spring. I know when to do it and they will just watch me work my magic! That is pretty sweet, huh? Now I bet I could probably cleanse winter on a national level from Twilight's balcony if she compensates me the right way the night before. Now wouldn't that be wonderful, nopony ever having to worry about Winter Wrap Up again?

Cleaning Up Winter Like a Boss,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. I'm thinking of talking to Applejack about me using my magic to cause there to be multiple zapapple harvests each year. That jam is really good, they make a lot of money off of it and if they'd let me do that, they could make enough money that they could get Granny Smith's hip replaced and I could have more jam. Think I should do it?

Dear Starlight,

Now that is some truly special, doing things the right way! I am so proud to see that you took matters into your own hooves and brought in spring the right way down there. Now I am betting that some of the most old-fashioned ponies are bitching about it but I'm betting that most of them are happy you did it. I can't even imagine how much it would suck having to do physical labor to bring in spring. I would never take part in something so ridiculous and it is obvious that you are just like your mama, I mean me, you hate inefficiency and backwards ways.

Now do me a favor though, when the Running of the Leaves comes along, please let them do it the old-fashioned way first because I KNOW you would totally win that thing because of your genetic superiority, make all those losers down there realize you are even better than they thought and besides, I like seeing Twilight's ass shake as she's running and winning fifth place all the time, well after you join in and win gold in every one of them while Twilight would get bumped down to sixth unless she works harder.

Now I think you better avoid talking to Applejack about the zapapples. I am certain that she is already pissed enough about you bringing spring in the right way but suggesting altering how things involving agriculture to her would likely result in the end of your friendship and you certainly don't want to lose her friendship, do you?

Now regarding you cleaning up winter on a national level, go for it. I'm certain the whole nation will be much happier if you did. You know, I'm honestly thinking that perhaps you should write a spell to reverse that disastrous spell my sister and I cast so long ago that forces ponies to take care of the weather, the stupid animals and everything else. Twilight has bitched about it and I say there is no way to undo it but I know you could. Just come up, study the spell Luna and I cast, write a reversal spell and cast it! I know you could easily do it because of how powerful you are.

Happy You Wrapped Up Winter the Right Way,

Princess Celestia

STARLIGHT GLIMMER,

That isn't the way we do things around here! You are even worse than Twilight was the first time she took part in Winter Wrap Up. At least she tried to do things the earth pony way but here you just wrapped it up in nothing flat. It is tradition to have to plow fields, wake up the animals on our own and haul the snow away without using magic. Bringing in spring our way makes it much more satisfying than simply using unicorn magic to make it easy. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you and Celestia aren't coming up with a plan for you to reverse her and Luna's old spell so we'd never have another Winter Wrap Up again.

Upset,

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

Look, I'm sorry alright? I just saw that nothing was getting done and figured that I would take care of things the way most unicorns would. I don't know if you noticed but most ponies are happy I did what I did and thanks to a vote by the town, I will be handling this from now on. Now you can continue to force ponies to engage in unnecessary labor at Sweet Apple Acres but for everywhere else, we're doing things MY WAY from now on and spring will never be late in Ponyville ever again. Just think about it though, wasn't life much easier having me clean up winter on the apple farm? You know, I'm betting the rest of your family and all the other strong stallions in town will be so happy to never have to plow snow again!

Cleaning Up Winter Like a Boss,

P.S. Celestia has actually approached me over reversing that spell she and Luna cast so long ago. After all, why should us ponies have to wake animals up from their winter slumbers and why should pegasi be required to make it rain? It just isn't natural! Now if I do cast it, everypony's lives will be so much easier. Now yeah, all the pegasi will suddenly have to get real jobs but I'm sure there will be plenty of work available.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Starlight did it again! Because of her impatience and intolerance of doing things the earth pony way, she used her magic to clean up winter in ONE SECOND FLAT! She has lived here for years now but when it comes to Winter Wrap Up, her and Trixie usually run off to Las Pegasus to get out of it but this year she just had to be a big shot and free everypony from manual labor to bring in spring. Please, I had a good organization system set up and just because she saw things moving along slowly, she went out onto my balcony and used magic to solve the problems.

I really think you need to have a good talk with your favorite and let her know that things like this will not be tolerated in Ponyville. I have come to appreciate the tradition of earth ponies but even though she seemed to appreciate them right after she was reformed, your "daughter" has now decided that our ways are backwards. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you put her up to it! Now I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you two aren't coming up with another plan to make ponies' lives easier, something such as having her reverse the spell you and your sister cast so long ago to force ponies to have to take care of anything!

Upset Starlight Upstaged Me Again,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Here you go again! I honestly thought you had given up on the non-stop bitching but I guess I was wrong. Look, Starlight did what she thought was right and you want to know something, I support her in her decision to make the lives of all the hicks down there easier. She did them a favor by using magic to free them from unnecessary, back breaking labor. Also, from what I understand the town took a vote and she will now be in charge of cleaning up winter down there so maybe the ponies down there aren't as hopeless as I always thought they were.

Now are my "daughter" and I making plans on how to make lives easier for ponies on a national level? Actually yes we are and the fun thing is, it will allow natural selection to actually run its course. We are making plans on having her reverse the spell Luna and I cast so long ago since she is the only one with the brains to know how. Once I have her cast that spell, if those stupid animals Flutterbitch cares about so much fail to wake up in the spring, they will starve to death! Any creature that needs a pony to wake it up is undeserving of life if you ask me anyway.

Happy Starlight Upstaged You Again,

Princess Celestia

Op-Ed by Written Script in the Ponyville Express

Winter Wrap Up, always one of the worst days of the year, right? Ever since Ponyville was founded, us ponies have had to engage in back breaking work just to bring in spring. I'm going to be honest, I always wondered why the hell ponies had to clean up winter, wake up the animals and make birds' nests. I always wondered why things didn't operate normally like they do in the Everfree Forest and how it does in other countries.

Every single year I have always heard ponies complaining about it when it was coming and then complaining about the aches and pains they experienced afterwards but luckily, we will no longer have to worry about that. Thanks to Princess Twilight's good friend Starlight Glimmer, we can now watch in awe as she stands on Twilight's balcony, releases energy from her horn and cleans up winter in one second flat. When she did it a few days ago, she even woke up the animals! Now that is truly amazing if you ask me.

Of course the pegasi still had to go get the birds and Starlight had to make all the nests since Rarity is too incompetent to make them in a timely manner. I really hope that someday Starlight will find a way to reverse that spell that Luna and Celestia cast so long ago to make ponies have to take care of everything. Growing up I always found it ridiculous that we had to make the nests for the birds and I still do. My view is that if they can't even make their own homes, perhaps it would be best if they just died and the same goes with the comatose animals. If they can't wake up on their own, they deserve to starve to death in their sleep.

Now I am thrilled that Starlight has been put in charge of using her magic to end winter but still, if you are reading this Starlight, I am hoping that you will use your immense knowledge to write a spell to free us ponies from having to take care of anything. It would be much appreciated, especially if it meant us taxpayers no longer having to pay for the pensions that are paid to the weather ponies that are bankrupting the country.

Week 21 Hiatus Special: Last Hiatus Correspondence

Dear Twilight,

As you know, season nine is fast approaching and there is something that I really need you to do. I need you to release Dr. Fauna. You see, when I healed Fluttershy, I eradicated her lustful nature so she will no longer be desiring to have sex with her. To be completely honest, I have restored Fluttershy to a pre-Starlight seduction mode for the most part. Yes she will still be more assertive but she will be a sweet, naive pony instead of a sex crazed, abusive bitch.

Now regarding Tree Hugger and all legitimate law breakers and undesirables, keep them locked up and continue to torture them. Now I know it is going to be hard but the big brass at Hasbro has ordered that there at least not be any disharmony between you and Fluttershy. I am sorry it has to come to this but when God-Emperor Goldner demands it, it has to come to pass.

Now I do look forward to us growing closer as time passes and of course I look forward to ascending Starlight as well. I can't help but wonder, what if she was to do something huge and ascend without me doing it? Would she grow some and have a wavy mane and tail like Luna and I? Would she wind up just like her mama, I mean me? That would be pretty sweet, huh?

Hoping Starlight Becomes Just Like Me,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, I will see to it that there is harmony between us but for Faust's sake, could you please quit bringing Starlight up all the damn time? I swear, the more you keep on talking about her like she is your daughter, the more I think my suspicions are correct. Like I have said, if she is your daughter, just take her up to Canterlot, ascend her and give her her birthright authority.

I am so sick and tired of you idolizing Starlight, especially when we are trying to return things to how they used to be. It is always Starlight this, Starlight that, what if this, what if that? Please, lets focus on repairing our relationship, not you ascending Starlight constantly, ok?

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Wait a minute, you restored Fluttershy back to her PETA Girl state? Does that mean she will have forgotten about all the sex and have a virgin mindset again? Does it mean I can try to initiate her as a "friend" again?

Dear Twilight,

No you can not try to initiate PETA Girl as a friend again! Good grief, she crushed your heart and now that I have returned part of her mentality back to being an innocent virgin, you are wanting to screw her all of a sudden. I know you get needy but hey, you have Starlight to unwind with so PETA Girl is off limits to you. Remember Twilight, there can be no disharmony between you two and you trying to initiate her and her shooting you down time and time again and assaulting you will prevent that.

Making Sure You Don't Try to Initiate PETA Girl Again,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Also, aren't you and Cadence growing close again too? You have Starlight and Trixie and you have Cadence, isn't that enough?

Dear Princess Celestia,

Oh fine but don't be surprised when I start bitching about you not letting me try to initiate her as a friend with benefits.

Wanting PETA Girl,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

I have some wonderful news for you! God-Emperor Goldner has given me the green light to ascend you. He hasn't said when I can do it but trust me, it will happen! What is even better is that he has green-lighted you meeting your mother. Now the ascension likely won't happen until the finale and you meeting your mother may not happen until right afterwards but the mystery of your mother will finally be solved.

Looking Forward to Season Nine,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Really? I'm finally going to get my wings? You have no idea how happy I am but let me guess, unlike Twilight, I am going to have to go through hell and back to get them. Well whatever it will take to get them, I will succeed. And I can not wait to meet my mother and ask her why she had to run off and allow my inept father to raise me.

Ready to Be Ascended and Meet My Mom,

Starlight Glimmer

Special: Teacher of the Month

To My Students,

I want to know which of you constantly nominate Flutterbitch teacher of the month. I have seen how you constantly nominate her for it and constantly fawn over her, and that includes you Yona. Whatever happened to you hating slutty yellow pony? Why is it that you suddenly seem to like her. Well guess what, I'm going to fail ALL OF YOU in every single class you have with me and I'll be sure to tell Professor Egghead and Applejack to fail you too.

You students do realize the only reason that she does that is because she is an attention whore, right? If we didn't do that teacher of the month thing she wouldn't give a shit and would give you homework. Now stop nominating her as teacher of the month and MAYBE I won't fail all of you.

Upset You Nominate Flutterbitch All the Time,

Head Mare Twilight Sparkle

Dear Head Mare Twilight,

Look, she is just very nice and she lets us play with her animals and she lets us play games! That is why we all nominate her every month.

Sincerely,

Your Students

P.S. Purple pony should know that Yona never nominate slutty yellow pony. Yona only pretends to like her. Yona always nominate Professor Rockhoof because he is big, strong and honorable, just like yaks!

Dear Flutterbitch,

You better give me back my copy of Dragon Pit or I will contact a certain blue unicorn to come in and put you back in the hospital. Trust me, I know she'd do it too because she still hates your guts more than anypony else in Equestria. Now return it OR ELSE!

Sincerely,

Guidance Counselor Starlight

Dear Starlight,

Good grief bitch, I borrow it for a fun activity and you are threatening me like that? Look, Colgate isn't going to come back and do anything bad to me. From what I understand Princess Celestia has ordered her not to for some reason but fine, I'll return your damn game but don't get mad when I tell the students you made me give it back and they hate you.

Still Hating You,

Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

Can you believe it? Those fucking writers excluded me again! They exclude me in favor of Flutterbitch. What the hell are they trying to do, sink the franchise or something? What pisses me off more is that those students continue to nominate Flutterbitch as teacher of the month. Shall I expel all of them, shall I torture them or should I simply go and kill all of Fluttershy's animals so she can't bring them to the school anymore?

Pissed I Was Excluded,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Princess Twilight,

The short lasted for less than three minutes so I don't see why you are so worked up over it. I can understand though why you are upset over those students nominating Fluttershy as teacher of the month. Now if they were my students, I would torture them and then throw them in Tartarus but I'll leave this up to you. Now regarding killing Fluttershy's animals, do it! Kill them and then give your students a lesson in taxidermy....especially with that bear. I'm sure that is a lesson they would all enjoy!

Hoping You Kill Fluttershy's Animals,

Princess Celestia

Special: Starlight the Hypnotist

Dear Twilight,

Wait a minute, you are scared of lady bugs, those cute little beetle things with black spots? I swear, I never imagined that you would be scared of a harmless lady bug. Now I can understand your phobia of snakes but this? This really takes the cake! Speaking of cake, Princess Celestia did something she has never done before. She actually sent you a cake, in the shape of a lady bug. Oh well, since you're terrified of them, I'll eat it instead.

Ready to Eat Cake,

Guidance Counselor Starlight

Dear Starlight,

Didn't you hear what I said? Shining Armor told me they have extra eyes and are always watching me! He told me that Celestia uses them to spy on ponies all over Equestria and then has them report back to her! What if all these ones in the school go tell her that I'm scared of them and she decides I'm no longer fit to be a princess? What if she decides to make you a princess and strips me of my wings and title or even worse, what if she had you age regress me back into being a filly? That would be horrible and even worse, you'd wind up being the head mare here and we all remember what happened last time I put you in charge here!

Scared of Lady Bugs,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Special: Ail-icorn

Dear Princess Twily,

Guess what, you get to come home! Yep, I have decided that you have brought about enough misery, I mean done enough down there that I shall release you from your banishment. Now don't worry about a place to sleep, I fined your parents over Moondancer's unkempt yard so that I could afford to get you a crib. Now you will be sleeping in my room until you get older but don't you worry, now I can raise you to be a nice pony that will never bitch and complain about anything. Now don't you worry Twily, I have already decided to make Starlight a princess and she can take over for you. Now it is just a matter of getting an early ascension for her green-lighted. It is going to be so wonderful to have you back home!

Ready to Raise You Right,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I got your baby picture and aren't you the most adorable little thing?

Dear Princess Celestia,

You do know that Twily likely won't be responding for quite some time, right? Oh well, I am so happy you conned Zecora into making that cure have a side effect! Now that I am going to be a princess, Goldner will have to allow you to ascend me early! I do have a question though, could you make Trixie a princess too and let us get married? After all, as a princess, I should not be denied the love of my life! Now I do look forward to my coronation and when you raise Twily, please don't let her know that she used to live down here. That could throw a wrench into things and cause problems.

Sincerely,

Soon to be Princess Starlight Glimmer

Dear Soon to be Princess Starlight,

Look, I finally got Goldner to allow me to ascend you so please don't push it. I don't want him to change his mind so I'm not going to bother him over it. Also, I can not make Trixie a princess at this point because she has yet to guide my precious little Twily through any difficult situations like you have nor has she set Starswirl right and got him to realize friendship is magic. Now don't worry, that castle will be yours and if you want, you can move Trixie in with you. To be honest, you can even have Twilight's old bedroom since she won't be needing it anymore. Oh and just so you know, when I am busy it will be your duty as her sister, I mean former student, to take care of Twilight.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Zecora,

I want to say thank you for making that potion that cured Twilight's illness. I am so happy that she is feeling better and thanks to you, now I can raise Twilight to be a world class troll, I mean a sweet loving pony who will care about everypony just like me. I tell you, with me having a chance to raise her from her new age, everything will certainly be fine!

Thanks Again,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are quite welcome for the potion and the events it will set in motion. I knew you wanted Twilight to start from scratch and now it will be like she just hatched. Now please don't raise her to be a bitch, please allow her new life to go off without a hitch.

Sincerely,

Zecora

Dear Princess Celestia,

Get Zecora to make a potion to restore Twilight to being an adult please! I don't think I can handle this crying and I know she would drive you batshit crazy if you suddenly took her in like this. Please, I'm begging you, get her fixed now!

Unable to Handle Baby Twilight,

Spike

Spike,

Come on, I really wanted to raise her from being a newborn and put my daugh...., I mean Starlight, on the throne down there but FINE, I'll have Zecora come up with an antidote. I am not one bit happy and I will see to it that you are punished for denying me the chance to raise Twilight right. I am thinking perhaps forcing you to be Rarity's fashion slave with no compensation might be in store for you.

Disappointed,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

Special: Forgotten Friendship

Author's Note

I know this is extremely late and very out of order but better late than never, right?

Special: Forgotten Friendship

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

How dare you come back to Equestria and not stay! I saw that you had actually changed and I know that you would have made a great student with the exception that you think Twilight is a better teacher than me. I am going to let you in on a secret. I was going to do my best to convince you to come home, have you move into Twilight's old study tower and teach you to be the second most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria, only to be bested by my daugh.....I mean Starlight Glimmer. Oh well, if you would rather be a lowly human with no magic just because of "friendship" then it is your loss.

Oh well, I suppose you being a complete loser and absolutely nothing special beats the shit out of you going on and on about how you could be an Alicorn princess someday and making plans to overthrow me. All I can say is you better be glad Twilight brought you because had you come alone, I would have either cast you into Tartarus or banished you to the moon. Have fun having no magic and having to become a fast food worker in the human world Sunny......and just like I used to tell Twilight, "Damn it sucks to be you!"

Your Former Teacher,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I have always had a sense of humor, I just never showed it around you because you were a conniving little bitch.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, there are things in this world that are more powerful than magic. Friendship is more powerful and I thought that out of all ponies, you would know that. After all, you tried to get me to befriend my schoolmates but you want to know the real reason why I never befriended them? I never befriended them because all they ever wanted was horn sex and Colgate threatened to hurt me on numerous occasions if I didn't put out. That is the real reason I ran away. It wasn't because of you being upset over me being overly ambitious, it was to escape Colgate and her sex crazed cohorts. Damn it, I didn't see them that way! I tried telling them that on numerous occasions but they wouldn't listen so I figured the only way to get away from them was by running off.

Now wait just a minute, are you implying that Starlight Glimmer is your daughter? Are you telling me that Twilight's suspicions are correct? Now I know why Twilight bitches about how much you love her, adore her and treat her like she is more valuable than gold. I'm going to tell you the same thing Twilight does, if she is your daughter you need to take her up to Canterlot to rule with you, ascend her and give her her birthright authority. Now I might come home from time to time but I'm not staying just to be constantly harassed by Colgate. At least her human self doesn't try to molest me since she owns human Fluttershy which is something that still really bothers me.

Your Former Student,

Sunset Shimmer

Hiya Sunny,

Now I am going to tell you this right up front. It really pisses me off that you would have the audacity to come to Canterlot without dropping by to tell me and the girls hello. You know, we could have had a lot of fun especially since Starlight and Trixie were up visiting. You and Twilight could have come over, we could have had an eight-mare romp and made you forget all about the human world. You may have acted like you didn't like but I know how you are, I know you are missing the horn sex we all gave you. That human world has probably corrupted you but oh well, I'll talk to my human counterpart and have her do to you exactly what she is doing to her domestic slave, I mean wife Fluttershy.

Now you really should come back more often and see us. Hell if it will make it any better, I will be gentle with you, honest!

Hoping to Screw You Again Sometime,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Colgate,

Wait a minute, you're a dentist? How the hell did you manage that? Well to be honest, considering how smart you are and how much Celestia liked you, it shouldn't surprise me. Let me make myself clear though, I am not going to come back just so you and your friends can gang rape me or whatever the hell it is you want to do. I know how you are and chances are you'd either do to me what you did to Fluttershy or you'd have your way with me the way you do Twilight and that isn't happening. Besides, from what I understand you have a whole harem as it is, you don't need to add me to the mix.

Also, my stance on you returning to my world stands. I still don't want you coming over to take care of any problems because you are too violent to handle things in a civilized manner. Now I guess I should let you go because chances are you and Twinkleshine probably have a "date" coming up before too long.

Not Wanting You,

Sunset Shimmer

Dear Wallflower Blush,

You have failed me, just like almost everypony else. I gave you one task, I gave you the task of erasing Sunset from the memories of her so-called friends so she could come home and be relevant again. Had you simply covered your tracks a little bit better, ran off into the forest and kept that memory stone for just a little while longer, you would have succeeded. I could have got Sunset back, I could have taught her better magic and my daughter would have had yet another pony to show up on a regular basis but oh no, you just had to mess up and be a crybaby.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though, when you came to me you seemed rather weak minded. Next time I need some dirty work done in the human world, I will have to go and do it myself. You may have "friends" now but just wait, they will stab you in the back and when you're all heartbroken again, don't come running to me for advice on how to get revenge or to have a shoulder to cry on.

Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, I don't think you know all the heartache I have gone through my whole life. I told you about it when I came to inquire about the location of the memory stone and you seemed to understand my plight but you obviously didn't. I know you are all powerful and everyone adores you but deep down I know you are just a spiteful bitch who only cares about ascending that Starlight pony you were bragging about and stuffing your face full of cake like a damn glutton.

Guess what, I have friends now and I am far happier than I would have been being your damn gardener. Luckily that memory stone is no more and one less dangerous magical artifact from your world will be causing us problems.

Happy the Memory Stone is No More,

Wallflower Blush

Dear Princess Twilight,

Let me make this short and sweet before you pester me over it in the future. No you can not go into the restricted section ever again. That is reserved for my sister, myself and a certain light pink unicorn once the time is right so don't even bother asking.

Keeping You Out of the Restricted Section,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ugh fine but don't be surprised when I start bitching about you keeping me from knowledge I should know. I am however pissed that you are going to be taking Starlight in there when the time is right. You know what, she doesn't even care that much about books so I don't know why you'd even bother.

Upset,

Princess Twilight

And let's not forget one of the best EqG moments of all time.

Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

From what I understand the big brass at Hasbro made you heal Flutterbitch entirely. Now that really sucks and it pisses me off! My friends and I go to all that trouble to put a troublemaking skank in her place but then you were forced to heal her? Now that is unacceptable, absolutely unacceptable. Now my friends and I are going to have to go back to Ponyville and punish her again! What we will do this time I'm not sure but don't worry, we won't put her in the hospital. Perhaps we will just rock her world and one of us can woo her into our bedrooms and then enslave her.

I am saying that because she could certainly use some action. All she has ever had in her life was Twilight and Starlight as far as real mares go and none of us thinks that they wowed her enough for her to truly care about them. I know I can for sure and my friends are thinking they have what it takes too. Hell I would even be willing to share her if we all gave her the time of her life when we decide to go and "punish" her.

Oh and remember how I went to the human world and fucked up the Fluttershy over there? Well I have been in contact with the human me and not only did she trick human Fluttershy into falling in love with her and marrying her but she had her artificially impregnated too! Now isn't that really bad ass?

Your Favorite Dentist,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Colgate,

Let me make myself clear here, you and your friends CAN NOT go and do anything to Fluttershy. Look, the big brass threatened to do very bad things to my daughter if I did not heal her and have her ready for season nine. I will not, I repeat I will not allow something bad to happen to my daughter if you go down and do something to Fluttershy, even if it isn't nearly killing her or putting her in the hospital, I don't need her emotionally scarred.

I know how you are Colgate and the way you are talking, I have a very bad feeling that you would go down there and force her into sex against her will. Hell I could see you and your friends going down there, immobilizing her with your magic and taking turns on giving her horn sex. Yes she has been a treasonous bitch but when I healed her, I removed all the negative qualities from her. I removed her lust and I removed the treasonous thoughts from her and I will be damned if I allow you to go make her damaged goods prior to season nine. What I am saying is if you know what is good for you, you will not do anything to her because I don't want to have to be threatened again about healing her.

By the way Colgate, I don't give a shit about the human you marrying Fluttershy and then having her impregnated. After everything that has gone on lately, my concerns are about things that happen in Equestria. The human you could have turned Fluttershy into a domestic slave and I wouldn't give a shit. Now unless you want me to start seeing a different dentist, you will leave Fluttershy alone.

Making Sure You Leave Fluttershy Alone,

Princess Celestia

Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 2

Dear Princess Celestia,

Wait a minute, am I reading this right? You mean to tell me that what Twilight bitches to us about sometimes is true? You have a daughter? Let me guess, that daughter's name is Starlight Glimmer isn't it? No wonder you went ahead and healed Fluttershy because Faust forbid something happens to your precious little Starlight. Let me guess, Goldner either threatened to not allow her to be ascended, threatened to never allow you to reveal her origins to her or he threatened to fuck her up psychologically and make her like boys.

Well I suppose that beats you healing that little bitch out of the goodness of your heart but do know this, I am already making plans on how I will cause Flutterbitch's quality of life to go down the toilet all while making the life of me and my friends much, much better. We're already making plans on how we're going to do it too and let's just say that there will be some housing opportunities coming along in Canterlot before too long.

Oh and I just thought you should know that your little Starlight and that marefriend of hers are just as good as Twilight. They do provide us with plenty of fun but if I can add one more piece to the puzzle things will be even better. Be sure and tell your daughter that too because if she hears it from her mama, she'll know how truly great of a job she does in keeping me and my friends happy.

Shocked You Have a Daughter,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

P.S. I'm curious, did somepony use impregnation magic on you or did you *gasp* lower yourself down to having sex with a stallion? If it is the latter, I am going to know that you must have either had a temporary lapse in judgement or you are hiding a very deep, dark secret from all of us. Hell maybe I should go to the press about this if you don't let my friends and I set our plans in action for Fluttershy. I can just see the headlines now, "Princess Celestia Secretly Bi-Sexual! Princess Celestia Has A Love Child from a Stallion!"

Now tell me, will you let my friends and I act on our new plans for Fluttershy or should I go to the press? Let me know so the four of us will know what plan of action to take.

Dear Colgate,

Now don't you dare tell a single soul, not your friends, not Twilight and especially not Starlight but yes, I am her mother. You see, Twilight has her suspicions but Starlight has no clue about who her mother is and I certainly don't need you going and spilling the beans. You have no clue as to how screwed up things would become if she were to find out before the time comes for her to finally learn about her origins. It would lead to a catastrophe and likely destroy everything we all know and love. Before you ask, it is a long story and yes it does involve the big brass not allowing it.

Now for your other question, I did at one time have an encounter with a stallion out in Sire's Hollow. I know it was something I should not have done but it just sort of happened. He was charismatic and helped me up when I tripped going down the stairs as I was leaving the local tavern. I do regret doing it but what I regret more is being so focused on the royal scandal that may have erupted over Starlight's birth that I wound up just letting her father take her without even holding her after she was born. Hell he was even the one who named her.

Now please don't tell anypony about this. Telling you about it hurts enough but replaying the night of her birth in my mind hurts even worse. You have no idea how hard it is for me to try and act normally around her. You have no idea how much it hurts for the big brass to not allow me to reveal my daughter's origins to her. I would really appreciate it if you didn't because a secret this dark being revealed to her by anypony but me or her father could destroy the close relationship I have with her.

Hoping You Won't Say Anything,

Princess Celestia

Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 3

Dear Princess Celestia,

I can not believe what I'm reading here. Not only did you have sex with a stallion but that stallion just happened to be a commoner? To top that off, you were exiting a tavern when he helped you up? You had been drinking when you fell, weren't you? You better hope that none of this ever comes out because if it was to, you're entire reign could come crashing down and your sister would be the one to take over sole leadership of Equestria.

Now there is a way for you to prevent any of that from happening. If you will just let my friends and I execute the plans we have for Fluttershy, these letters will remain between us. Hell I'll even incinerate them with my magic if you let us do what we want BUT if you deny us what we want, I will release these to every paper in Equestria and the whole nation will know things far darker about you than anything Flutterbitch revealed in her letters. Remember, I'm really close to you and I could destroy your reign because ponies would believe my reports, including copies of these letters!

So which is it? Shall I incinerate these things with my magic or shall I make them public? Can my friends and I do what we are planning with Fluttershy or will your reign crash and burn? I can just imagine how your daughter would feel if she had to find out from ME in the papers rather than from you in private that she is your daughter. Hell it might scar her so severely that she'd move back out to that no name village with Trixie and never associate with the outside world again! Now that would truly suck, wouldn't it?

Having Dirt on You,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

P.S. Also, along with letting my friends and I do what we want to Fluttershy, I am also demanding tax exempt status like what you gave your daughter with her publishing company. Failure to do so will also result in me releasing these letters and everything else I know about you.

Dear Colgate,

How could you make threats like this? I have been so good to you, I got you out of being charged with nearly killing Fluttershy, I have treated you and your friends like daughters and now just because I won't let you go and do who knows what to Fluttershy you're threatening to expose me like this? You're threatening to destroy the relationship I have developed with who has yet to find out I'm her mother? You're threatening to ruin any kind of mother/daughter relationship I could have with her?

Look, I know you have always been a bitch to most ponies you run across but what you want to do here is beyond fucked up. You are seriously wanting to sink the one who is probably responsible for you being where you are in life right now? You know without you having gone to my school, chances are you never would have been able to go on to be a hot shot dentist. You'd probably be more like Lyra since she dropped out. You'd probably either be working some low wage job or having hooked up with some slacker that I would deem as an undesirable and thus, be an undesirable yourself.

You have dirt on me and I have dirt on you. If you release this, I will take away your immunity to the charges that would have been pressed against you in the attack on Fluttershy and you'll wind up in prison. So FINE, whatever sadistic plans you four have for Fluttershy, you can go ahead and do it AFTER the series finale, alright. I hate to think of what it is but I have a feeling it is likely something similar to what your human counterpart is doing to human Fluttershy. Tell you what, I'll even make Twilight's parents pay for the wedding!

Let me know what your decision is so I will know if I have to contact the Ponyville PD over this or not, alright?

Keeping You in Check,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Fine, you can have your tax exempt status, alright? Just don't go sharing it with everypony because the last thing I need is for everypony to start demanding it, especially Rarity because I am still not overly fond of her and I have no desire to let her off the hook when it comes to paying her taxes.

Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 5

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know I've been thinking and there is one more thing that I am going to request of you if you want these letters to remain between us. You will transform my friends along with myself into Alicorns AND grant us the same immortality as you. You will do the same with Flutterbitch so we will always have our domestic slave. However, you will see to it that she doesn't develop any magic. None of us would want her to have anything that would make her cleaning duties less difficult.

You know, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine are looking forward to not only living with me but also making Shy's life even more miserable. I tell you, if you think I'll be loyal to her you've got another thing coming. All four of us do get needy after all and we do think she is hot and would be perfect for us to share. Now again let me know what your plan is so my friends and I will know what to do.

Wanting Just One More Thing,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Colgate,

Good grief, how many more demands are you going to make? What next, are you going to demand your own castle? Are you going to demand I give you and your friends a license to go hunt down every hot mare in the land, force her into marriage and enslave her or are you going to demand enough bits every month so that you'll never have to work again?

I know I probably shouldn't do this because many would see it as unethical but fine, you and your friends can not only do what you want with Fluttershy but I will also give you your own castle, the ability to force any hot mare you want into marriage and domestic servitude and enough money per month to live on and never have to work again. Besides, having a big castle will make Fluttershy's wifely duties even more difficult! Now don't you worry about the ceremony, I will see to it that it is lavish and that Twilight's parents will pay for it. I haven't forced those two to pay for anything for a while and it would be fun to see them and Twilight get all worked up over it.

For now though, you'll have to wait until after the series is over because Fluttershy can't be damaged for season nine nor can you four suddenly be living in a lavish castle anywhere. Now please don't keep pestering me over this until you actually seduce Fluttershy and trick her into loving you, alright? I am having a fresh cake delivered to me and I don't want it going cold.

Approving All Your Demands,

Princess Celestia

The Beginning of the End

To My Subordinates,

You all should be thanking me. Tirek, I freed you from Tartarus and I gave you just enough magic to actually be relevant in my quest to rid this world of Twilight Sparkle and her lackeys. One thing I would like to know is why the hell you have some clueless little foal who didn't even know who I am with you? From what I understand she stole magic but still, she is just a mindless little filly. If she causes you to fail, it will be your fault.

Chrysalis, you too have failed in the past, too many times to be exact. I know about your failures, I know how love energy has defeated you TWICE. Now if you are going to be of any use to me, you need to toughen up. Love is weak and no one should have any issues with it. I know you are seeking to ruin the life of this lackey of Twilight Sparkle's but given your vulnerability of love and the love this lackey possesses in her heart towards some street magician, you need to focus. I can't be there to hold your little hoof if you confront that one, that Starlight Glimmer I heard you bitching about.

King Sombra, in one way I am happy and in one way I am disgusted. I am happy that you were able to destroy that tree of harmony along with the Elements. That will lessen the powers those ponies will be able to wield against us BUT still, you failed me. You lost to those six because of the strength of their friendship. Now whether or not I will give you another chance or not I am unsure of but do know this, right now I think of you as a weak link. Perhaps next time you will listen to me and realize we need to work together. For now, you're stuck in the depths of the world again.

Cozy Glow, for you to gain my respect you must first actually get my name right. Tirek has told me some about you but compared to the rest of us, you are nothing short of a little grub who wouldn't be fit to shine my collar for me, much less aid us in our quest. Perhaps you will earn my respect in the future but for now, you are nothing short of the child that all of us are glad we never had.

Sincerely,

Your Master and Overlord,

Grogar, The Lord of Tambelon

Dear Grogar,

It sickens me to do this but I suppose I should thank you for freeing me and my little protege from Tartarus. There is one thing that I do not like though, I do not like how you seem to think you have to be in charge but for now I shall tolerate it. Regarding my little protege, she may not seem it but she is very manipulative and managed to get mail to me past Princess Twilight so don't underestimate her. - Lord Tirek

How dare you insult me like that. I am a changeling and just like we feed off of love, excessive amounts of love can overwhelm us. Now let me make myself clear, it is imperative that I destroy Princess Twilight so I can ruin the life of Starlight Glimmer. Don't you worry though, that little wretch's love infested heart will not destroy me like I'm pretty sure you think it will, I'm not that weak. Also, I am in the same mindset of Tirek, I am not thrilled that you seem to have neatly taken control of this whole situation. Remember this, you NEED us, you won't be able to beat those ponies on your own. - Queen Chrysalis

While I hate to admit this, I suppose you were right about me not being able to do this on my own. One thing I do know though is that there is no way you could have beat them on your own either. I do know it will take all of us so don't go thinking you can do this on your own. Just like what Chrysalis said, you NEED us. - King Sombra

Golly geez Lord Grogar, you really don't understand me, do you? You don't understand how smart I am nor do you realize that me and my pen pal could easily take over all of Equestria and make you OUR subordinate now do you? Don't you worry Lord Grogar, we will go with your plan, until me and Tirek come up with something better. - The Most Adorable Villain Ever, Cozy Glow

Dear Princess Celestia and Princess Luna,

I can't believe you would throw the six of us into ruling Equestria just like that! Oh we've been in a state of harmony for years you said. Everything is just fine you said. Do you have memory loss or something! It wasn't that long ago that Cozy Glow teamed up with Tirek to steal magic. It wasn't that long ago that Starlight, Trixie, Discord and Thorax had to save us all after we were kidnapped by Chrysalis.

It also wasn't that long ago that Tirek escaped and nearly destroyed Equestria and it wasn't a terrible amount of time ago that Sombra tried taking over the Crystal Empire and right before that, Chrysalis cast my bootie-call, I mean sister-in-law into the caves under Canterlot where I screwed her. Long period of harmony my lavender flank, it seems like we have more problems than harmony in this country.

Oh and now all of a sudden you have decided to come back until you think the six of us are ready? Was this your way of trolling me just to see if I actually had what it took to rule the roost? And I can not believe that you would want to let Starlight run MY school and run the show in Ponyville. Knowing you you'd probably find a way to help her overthrow me just so your precious little Starlight could run the show, that was your real plan wasn't it? You'd get my hopes up only to aid Starlight in deposing me and then you would reveal her origins to her and claim she is the rightful heir to the throne.

Don't forget Celestia, you promised me that a time will come when my friends and I will take over. When that happens, I want you out of what will be MY country, and you can take your precious little "daughter" and her little marefriend with you. Once I take over Equestria, things will be ran my way. One thing is for sure though, once I'm dictator, I mean princess, a certain yellow pegasus and her vet bootie-call will be brutally executed in the courtyard under what was once your balcony.

Ready to Rule Eventually,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Look, I was simply testing you. I wanted to see if you truly were ready to rule this country and apparently you were not. Am I disappointed?, not really. Am I surprised?, not even close. Now I am going to say that I am not thrilled that you allowed the Tree of Harmony and the Elements to be destroyed. Thanks to you, the Everfree Forest will eventually reclaim this country if Grogar doesn't first.

Ok, since you want me gone eventually, I'll give you what you want. When it looks like Grogar is going to win, Starlight, Trixie, Luna and I will leave and you can deal with Grogar on your own. What will be funniest though will be when everypony is enslaved and then Starlight and Trixie will have to come back, save your flanks and then be ascended to be the Goddesses of Equestria while you will be dropped back down to a second-tier princess and being the head mare of a friendship school.

Now I would write more but I have plans to make and a freshly baked cake to eat and if it goes cold, I'll give you Tirek's old cage down in Tartarus....and make you share it with Fluttershy!

Making Huge Plans for Starlight,

Princess Celestia

The Beginning of the End: Discord Special

Dear Princess Celestia,

Why is it that you would go with the obvious choice and decide that Twilight should be the one to eventually take over? I get it, you groomed her to do this but what about me? Come on, I have been alive for millennia and I know how the minds of the oldest villains work, not to mention I could simply rip the very fabric of reality and cast them into another dimension, like what I could have done to that junkie Twilight has locked up.

You are just as bad as Twilight was when it came to installing a temporary schoolmaster was with Starlight. When it comes to you it is always, "Need somepony with powerful magic, Twilight! Need somepony to save the day, Twilight! Need somepony to be in charge, Twilight!" You saw how bad her Twilighting was, she was hyperventilating and going into a state of panic and yet you think she is really prepared to do this? If you want somepony to run the country, it should be me. I would do anything and everything to protect Equestria, all for my dear friend Fluttershy!

Now I am very upset that you caused me to waste my breath on a very touching speech and tricked me into faking an injury. Had I known you would simply come back in and retake control, I would have intervened and sent Sombra to a place where nopony could save him. Now I would advise you rethink who you plan on taking over for you after you and your sister quit your jobs and go on a permanent vacation, I would advise you choose the Lord of Chaos.

Sincerely,

Discord, The Lord of Chaos

P.S. If you decide not to choose me, at least pick Starlight since her magic is better and will be more likely to destroy Equestria's enemies than simply imprisoning them.

Dear Discord,

Look, I have been grooming Twilight for this ever since I banished her to that backwater town she seems to love now. Everything has been one giant test for her. Now I will admit, there have been a lot of times where I didn't think she had it in her, that whole time when she failed to make friends, that whole time she was your little friend's doormat and that whole "healing" phase that pissed Colgate off so much but she has proven that she is ready.

Hell, she has even seemed to make amends with the pony that stabbed her in the back! I will admit, I don't exactly like it but it seems as though she realizes that those six have to be in perfect harmony if they are to defeat the worst of the worst. Now if being able to put that past her isn't proof she is ready, then I don't know what would. Oh and about the meltdown, she was just Twilighting and that is likely something that I can never make go away.

Now regarding putting you in charge, HELL NO. If I put you in charge, you'd probably be turning buildings into cake and inviting me to come eat them.....oh wait, when you bring it up that doesn't sound half bad. Tell you what, if you promise me that you'll turn buildings into chocolate cake with strawberry frosting, with as much fat and calories as possible, I'll let you take over. But do know this, if each three ounce serving of cake doesn't have at least 4,000 calories and 200 grams of fat, I'll give the throne to Twilight and her friends, ok?

Thinking About Letting You Take Over,

Oh and regarding putting Starlight in charge, I have plans for her, much bigger plans. Plans that I know that both her and Trixie will absolutely love!

Uprooted

Dear Yona,

You are right. Friendship is in the hearts of you all and it was because of you that I was able to regenerate, well sort of. Your friends could learn a lot from you. There they were arguing trying to make a mess of things and arguing and you set them straight.

Silverstream wanted to deface the cave with paint, Gallus wanted to turn it into a sideshow attraction, Sandbar thought simply planting a new tree would work, Smolder thought that by simply making rocks shaped like a tree would work and Ocellus thought some sort of meditation garden would work. You see, they had it all wrong and I am glad you set them straight. Because of this, I have decided that you will play the role of Twilight, the leader, in your group.

Now don't let me down. I have chosen you because you were the only one who actually thought about what I represent.

Sincerely,

The Spirit of the Tree of Harmony

Spirit of Tree of Harmony,

Yona saw what had to be done. Yak knew that the others were simply trying to do a mere physical representation and that griffon would likely charge to see memorial. Yona understand that Tree's true representation lie in friendship.

Sincerely,

Yona

To Our Students,

We are not exactly thrilled that you would run off the way you did but we suppose it was all for the best, just promise us that you will not do this again. Last time you ran off like that you nearly started a war and nearly got attacked by puckwudgies.

Sincerely,

Your Leaders

To Our Leaders,

We are sorry. The Tree of Harmony called all of us in a dream and we knew that something had to be done. Don't worry, next time we get called by the Tree during break we'll let you know before we leave.

To My Students,

All I can say is wow, I didn't expect that to happen. I thought the Tree was dead but apparently all it needed was friendship to regenerate into something new, well that and a yak who knows that friendship is more important than simply trying to make a monument or a museum.

Sincerely,

Head Mare Twilight

Head Mare Twilight,

Yak understand friendship the most. Yona believe that she should be the leader of the Student Six, and so does the Tree.

Sincerely,

Yona

Special: Colgate's Summons

Dear Fluttershy,

I am writing you to inform you that your local dentist, Dr. White Tooth is retiring and he is sending all patient records up to me so effective immediately, you are my patient and I do need to see you for a new patient intake appointment. I am doing these intake appointments this weekend and I have scheduled yours for Saturday at noon in my office. Failure to appear will result in not only me charging you for a missed appointment but also an inconvenience fee of 75 bits, both of which will require payment in seven days unless you want legal charges pressed against you. See you on Saturday.

Dr. M. Colgate

Dear Princess Celestia,

I'm certain you probably won't care and will probably side with her but is it true? Is Dr. White Tooth really shutting down here and sending all his patient records up to Colgate? Am I going to be forced to go and see the pony who maimed me and nearly killed me? Even worse, Colgate has scheduled me for an intake appointment on Saturday and I really don't want to have to be her patient. Isn't there something you could do to stop this? Could you please find another dentist to put here in Ponyville as soon as possible? If you are the kind, loving leader you claim to be, you will help me!

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

It is true about Dr. White Tooth. As you know he is extremely old and has decided to retire. Regarding him sending all his patients up to Colgate, that is a lie. She is always booked solid for three months at a time anyway so she certainly wouldn't be taking in any new patients. At the moment, he has an intern that will be taking over once he retires.

I know of plans she has for you but I think I know of a way for you to free yourself from such a cruel fate. When you go to that appointment, I know she will likely demand money right away. Tell her to bill me for it, I will pay it because I personally think she is going too far. From what she has told me, not only does she, but also her friends have horrible plans for you. Yes you have been a conniving little bitch in the past and committed treason but still, I wouldn't wish what she has planned for you on anypony, well anypony except for Twilight.

I remember when you took care of Rarity's Manehattan boutique, one that I am getting plenty of tax revenue from, and you played multiple shop pony characters....Rarity bitched to me about it. What I want you to do is play one of those roles, preferably the one that acted like a dingbat and said "like" every other word. That will cause Colgate to deem you as a mental defect and any plans she may have had for you will vanish.

Good luck with your intake and remember, act like a ditz and your future will be much brighter.

Looking out for You (for a change),

Princess Celestia

Dr. Colgate,

Ok, I will be up there for that intake appointment at noon on Saturday. See you then.

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Special: Fluttershy's Intake Appointment

Saturday had arrived and Fluttershy arrived in Canterlot around 1130. She had never been to Colgate's office before and was kind of nervous about going there, despite Celestia's sudden support for her. She headed into the business district believing that is where Colgate's office was located. As she looked around her, she saw so many ponies that might know where for her to go. She was scared to ask any of them though because they were all unicorns and she had a feeling that the unicorns would be on Colgate's side. When she finally saw a pegasus passing by her she knew she had to ask, "Excuse me ma'am, where is Dr. Colgate's office?"

The pegasus gave her a smile and replied, "It isn't much further on down the street. It will be on your right and will have an hourglass on the door."

"Thanks, I appreciate that." Fluttershy replied.

Fluttershy continued down the street until she saw where she needed to go. It was not the symbol on the door that gave the location away though, it was Colgate herself. She was standing outside and when she saw Fluttershy coming she motioned for her to come in, "Fluttershy! How is my new patient?"

This caused Fluttershy to be nervous but she knew she had to be strong and more importantly, take Celestia's advice. "Uhm, I 'm like doing ok."

Colgate replied, "That is good to hear."

Fluttershy followed Colgate in and while she was expecting to see other patients there for their intake appointments, there was nopony present. Once they got in, Colgate cast a lock spell on the door and called out, "Alright ladies, our little patient is here!"

Out from the back came Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts and Moondancer. All three of them were giving her seductive looks and Moondancer went as far as to swat her flank and asked, "So Shy, I bet you weren't expecting us, were you?"

The unwanted swat unnerved Fluttershy but she knew she had to be strong and keep her composure, "Uh, I like didn't."

Colgate noticed the swat and said, "Now now Moondancer, we need to take care of the business part first, then we can have fun with our little hottie." She turned to Fluttershy and began, "So Fluttershy, I received your patient records and from what I have seen, you seem to have problems paying your bills on time. Why is that?"

"Well y'know," began Fluttershy, "My bunny Angel is like a really picky eater and I have to like, buy him really fancy food or he won't eat it."

Colgate gave her an intense glare, "Seriously, you can't pay your bills because some stupid rabbit won't eat normal food or grass like the damn thing should?"

Fluttershy was not one bit thrilled over Colgate calling Angel stupid but stayed in character, "Well y'know, its just like how you are. I know you won't like eat sugar and sugar free stuff is like, more expensive."

Colgate rolled her eyes and continued, "Look, from what I understand Dr. White Tooth offered you payment arrangements since he is an animal lover himself. I however, will not allow such things to slide. With me, payments will be expected at the time of service." Her glare continued, "And speaking of payments, I will need to make a copy of your insurance card before you can leave today. I'm not letting you have this intake for free."

"Uhm, why not? Are you like greedy or something?" asked Fluttershy.

Before Colgate could respond, Twinkleshine pulled Fluttershy into a deep kiss and Lemon Hearts replied, "You are being charged because everypony else is."

Moondancer added, "And Colgate does have operating expenses along with malpractice insurance she must cover."

Fluttershy did not like being kissed by Twinkleshine one bit. She threw Twinkleshine off of her and yelled, "Do not kiss me." She then realized that she had deviated from her ditzy personality and continued, "You see, I like, think that kissing is like totally gross!"

Twinkleshine gave Colgate a curious look and then gave Fluttershy a look of disgust. Colgate continued on like it didn't happen though, "Also, your patient records show that you don't take all that good care of your teeth." She approached Fluttershy and ordered, "Open your mouth."

Fluttershy did as requested and Colgate looked inside. What she saw did not impress her, "Good grief Fluttershy, if I didn't know any better I'd think you are operating a silver mine in there." She then lit her horn up and began to inspect her more closely. After a minute of examining her she continued, "And you have a couple of cavities that need filling as soon as possible!"

Fluttershy knew what Colgate's plan was and immediately thought of a way to get out of it, "Y'know, I like don't have any insurance and I like don't have any money on me so that'll like, y'know have to wait."

Colgate was becoming very frustrated with Fluttershy but it was not her most likely lying about not having money or insurance, it was her speaking and sudden ditz personality. She got up in Fluttershy's face and screamed, "What the hell happened to you? You used to not be such a ditz!"

Moondancer yelled, "Did Princess Celestia give you brain damage when she healed you after we justly punished you?"

Lemon Hearts added, "How the hell you are even smart enough to breathe is beyond me."

Twinkleshine threw in a snide comment, "Let's just hope Equestria doesn't need you because if it does, we're all screwed."

Fluttershy wasn't thrilled over the yelling or the insults but knew that it was this behavior that Celestia said would help her. She replied, "Well y'know, if I wasn't bright enough to breathe, I like, wouldn't be here."

Colgate flared her horn up in anger and ordered, "Ladies, I need to speak to you in the back."

The four headed into the back where Colgate yelled, "I don't know if she is playing games or what but she is acting like a bucking moron!"

"I honestly don't think I could live with a pony like that." Moondancer commented

"I think you're right about the brain damage, Celestia probably screwed her up when she healed her." added Twinkleshine

Lemon Hearts suggested, "I think we should just forget about that little bitch, she wouldn't be bright enough to even clean our house, much less put out for us."

Colgate agreed, "I think we need to just forget about her. There are plenty of other little hotties out there, including one that Twilight told me about that she wanted to initiate" she began to snicker, "While Fluttershy still owned her!"

The other three began to snicker before the four headed out to the front where Fluttershy was waiting. Colgate undid the lock spell on the door and ordered, "Fluttershy, I have decided that because of your reasons for not paying your bills that I will not see you." She raised her voice and continued, "Now get out of here."

Moondancer sighed, "What a shame, she would have made a good domestic slave too."

Fluttershy heard this and wanted to know what she meant by that, "Like, what do you mean? What do you mean that I'd like, make a good domestic slave."

Colgate began to push her towards the exit and snapped, "Never mind, just go!"

Fluttershy left her practice and couldn't be happier. Once she got out of eyesight and earshot, she jumped up and down and cheered, "I did it, I did it! I stayed strong, I played dumb and now I won't have to worry about Colgate!" She headed towards the train station and cheered louder, "I can't wait to write to Princess Celestia! I know she will be so proud of me!"

Special: Post Appointment Letters

Dear Princess Celestia,

Your advice worked! I played the ditz role, I played dumb and now Colgate and her friends don't want anything to do with me anymore! Moondancer made some sort of comment about how I would have made a good domestic slave. I now know that the plans they had for me were horrible but thanks to you and your advice, I won't have to worry about that anymore!

I do want to say that I truly am sorry for how I called you out and said so many bad things about you. I can tell now that you are no longer a spiteful pony when it comes to me, I can tell you truly do care about my well-being. I do want to know one thing though, what did Moondancer mean by "I would have made a good domestic slave?" I just want to know what those four were really planning. I don't plan on calling them out or anything, I am just curious.

Thanks Again,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

You're welcome. I gave you the advice I did for two reasons. The first reason being that me simply allowing them to do what they had planned was horrible. Here is the thing, Colgate had plans on tricking you into thinking that she had changed and that she loved you. It sounds like she went about things the wrong way but continuing on. She wanted to trick you into marrying her which would have resulted in you moving in with her and her friends. The terrible thing is that not only would you have became their personal maid, you would have been forced into sexual servitude to all four of them....yes, all four of them.

Now I have known about this for quite some time and clear up until you and your friends defeated Sombra despite me putting all of you under a ton of pressure. Now I can't help but wonder, what if Discord had not reminded all of you that it is your friendship that is what gives you your strength. Chances are my sister and I would have had to come in and beat Sombra ourselves. Oh well, you are safe, from Colgate and her friends anyway and that is all that matters.

Your Supreme Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. The second reason is that Colgate has made huge demands here lately and I didn't think she should be allowed to treat you like a possession. Also, I am glad you're not going to call them out because I know for sure that if you did, they would have absolutely no problems killing you nor would they care about the consequences.

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the fuck did you do to Fluttershy? I told Fluttershy to get her ass up here since her dentist was closing down and sending all of them to me. When she came for her intake appointment she was acting like a fucking ditz! Every other word out of her mouth was "like" and she made it sound like feeding her stupid rabbit was a legitimate reason to avoid paying her bills.

The four of us have talked and we have decided "the hell with that bitch." She obviously isn't bright enough to do what would be required of her if I married her. Oh well, I'm thinking now that we will pursue that pegasus with the bow in her mane, I think her name is Flitter. We will either go after her or there is this hottie named Angel Wings that we understand Twilight wanted to initiate at one time. Twilight told us about her and I think either her or Flitter would make a great domestic slave and a sex toy for us all. Hell, maybe both of them! That way we'd have twice the fun and our messes could get cleaned up twice as fast.

Let me make myself clear though, our demands are still the same. Unless you want us going to the press over you having a secret daughter, you will make us Alicorns, you will give us our own castle, you will grant us immortality and you will let us go out and abduct any hottie we damn well please. We do want to know though, what the hell did you do to Fluttershy for her to become a mental defect?

Upset Fluttershy is a Mental Defect,

Dr. M. Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Dear Colgate, Lemon Hearts, Moondancer and Twinkleshine,

Here is the thing, when I healed Fluttershy I had to put a whole lot of energy into the spell and the energy involved had a negative impact on her brain function. That is why she is behaving the way she is now. I would have told you about this sooner but I know how you four are. I knew that if I simply told you what the spell did to her, you would accuse me of suddenly loving her and would go to the press. I knew you had to see it for yourself.

I am glad though that you have decided to leave Fluttershy alone and don't worry, your demands will still be met. I do want to warn you though, you may want to acquire Angel Wings before Twilight does. She hasn't brought her up in any of her letters but I know she has had her eye on her since before she dumped Fluttershy.

I have noticed though that you seem to have a thing for sexy pegasus ponies which is something I don't really understand. Now if I had a first choice I'd go after unicorns since they can give you horn sex but it is whatever you find the hottest. Wherever you choose to go to find yourself a little hottie, or multiple hotties, good luck. Don't worry, if you get arrested for foalnapping, stalking or any other crime that may come with grabbing yourself a domestic slave, I mean wife, I will pardon you, alright. Happy hunting ladies!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Twilight's Seven

Shining Armor,

Seriously, you thought that by having me break into Trollestia's castle and getting that crown that would make me the eternal sibling supreme? You know I may have acted like I really cared but I honestly didn't because in the eyes of Cadence, I already am! She has always liked me more, even when she refused to put out for me for so long but ever since she saw how close Starlight and Trixie are, she gave me what I wanted back and hey.....forget I said all that, alright?

Unfortunately we both lost thanks to Luna and Spike but hey, at least he truly feels like a member of the family now.

Always the Supreme Sibling (in Cadence's Eyes),

Your LSBFF,

Twilight Sparkle

Twilight,

Wait a minute, are you and Cadence having that "sister-in-law" bonding thing going on again? I should have known that was going on once she started vanishing on weekends again claiming she was visiting Celestia for advice on how to troll our citizens. You know what, I honestly don't care now. You two can screw all you want as long as you don't go using fertility magic to knock her up. As long as we're married and I'm a prince, that is all that matters. Oh and tell Spike that he is a great little brother, alright?

Your BBBFF,

Shining Armor

To the Tyrant Bitch,

How dare you just allow Shining Armor and Twilight to compete for that crown again. That thing was only to be handed out by us and after hearing about what happened, we are not one bit pleased that your sister trolled our kids and allowed Spike to have the crown. I swear, if we suddenly have to buy him birthday and Hearth's Warming gifts now we will not be happy. Now that you have taken this tradition over, you can take over paying for all the crap that Twilight destroys all the time.

Still Thinking You're a Bitch,

Twilight Velvet and Night Light

Dear Twilight Velvet and Night Light,

Really, you think I'm going to pay for the gifts you need to start buying for your third child? It's not going to happen and guess what, now you can pay for everything Spike destroys too! Just for shits and giggles, I'm going to make that retroactive. You are going to owe me for everything he has damaged ever since he was hatched. Now yeah, Ponyville has that fancy dam now instead of a lousy water tower but you owe me 5,000 bits for what it cost to replace it when he ruined it when he got greedy. Oh and those bills for when Twilight took him to the vet and the pediatrician, you owe me for covering those too!

Oh and FYI, Applejack did do some damage to the palace while she was up here recently and you're going to pay to fix it since your daughter is partially responsible. Tell you what, I'll drop by your house later to collect the 15,000 bits you currently owe me. Either pay up or I'm giving those pretty wings of Twily's to my daughter, I mean Starlight Glimmer, capiche?

Ready to Collect Your Money,

Princess Celestia (aka The Tyrant Bitch)

To the Sexiest Sister-in-Law ever,

Guess what, my brother has given us the green light for our "sister-in-law bonding" time! He told me that he no longer cares after I kind of spilled the beans about us. This is a great thing and he said that as long as I don't use fertility magic, I can do you as much as I want. Pretty sweet, huh?

The Sparkle Sibling Supreme and Your Owner,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Sexy Sister-in-Law,

Seriously? Shining Armor said that I can put out for you all I want and he won't care anymore! That is wonderful news! I wondered what was up when he seemed to be so relaxed about me claiming to go visit my aunt every weekend. Guess what Twilight, I'm making this next visit a week long tryst! Hey, we have Sunburst to change Flurry's shitty diapers so I won't have to worry. I'm really looking forward to this next visit but mark my words, I'm going to dominate you at least once, even if I have to use seduction magic.

Ready to Own You,

Princess Cadence

The Point of No Return

Dear Princess Twilight,

I can not believe this! I can not believe that you of all ponies would have the audacity to not return a book to the library. For so long I always believed that you would consider being late returning one a bigger crime than stealing my cake or worshiping Nightmare Moon but it looks like I was wrong. Now I know I raised you to be a little bitch who would bring about misery everywhere she went but I did not raise you to be late returning library books.

You know something else Twilight? Not only does this reflect badly on you but it also makes ME look bad. It makes me look bad that I would ascend a pony who is late returning library books or in your case, not returning them at all! Perhaps ascending you wasn't such a good idea. When word of this gets out, which I am certain it will, ponies will start demanding I turn them into Alicorns and make them royalty solely because they don't return their library books.

You know something, perhaps I should punish you for this. Perhaps I should take those wings away, that title away and that castle away and given them to my daugh.....I mean Starlight since she has never committed any crimes against a library. Tell me Twily, should I do that? Should I take everything I have given you away and give it to Starlight? Now promise me you'll never be late returning a book and you can keep everything I gave you. If not, you will be shamed publicly before losing those wings. Hell I might just decide to find a way to transfer all your magic to Starlight and make her even more powerful.

Now I could find other ways to punish you but I think I'll leave that to somepony else, somepony who USED to look up to you, somepony with ties to another pony who is truly sadistic. Just make sure it doesn't happen again, alright.

Disappointed in You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the hell? You are blaming me for this? It was your sunny ass that sent me off to Ponyville before I could even have a chance to read it, much less return it. If anypony should have a blemish on their record, it should be you! Had you not decided to send me off to some backwater hell hole that I secretly still despise, I would have been able to not only read that book but also return it, ON TIME!

It also pisses me off that you are sitting up there basically idolizing your precious little Starlight. You want to know why she has never "committed any crimes against a library" as you put it? It is because before she met me, she had likely never even been in a library. You know that she has never cared much about studying, well until I forced her to be of course. Had she been, rather than simply stealing cutie marks and oppressing shitty towns out in the middle of fucking no where, she probably would have learned enough to overthrow you and made you her sex slave.

Go ahead and take my wings, my title and longevity away, see if I give a shit. I know that even though you have called me an adoptive daughter and have tried to grow close to me, I know you'll never actually love me like a parent would the same way you love Starlight. It is always, "oh, I'm gonna ascend Starlight, Starlight is so perfect, Starlight is my REAL daughter!" You know what Sunbutt, fuck that shit. I don't think I feel like having to put up with three more millennia of putting up with you idolizing her and I know damn good and well that you'll ascend her at some point so just quit beating around the bush about it. Ugh, I think I'd rather be stuck sharing a cage with Flutterbitch in Tartarus than have to constantly put up with you and your Starlight idolizing.

And now here you are wanting to steal magic from me and give it to Starlight? Hell maybe I should go find Tirek, ask him how the hell he stole magic and see if I could learn the spell. If I do decide to do that, not only will I steal his magic but I will steal your magic, I will also steal Starlight's, Luna's and Cadence's and then depose you all and crown myself as Queen of Equestria and there won't be a thing any of you could do to stop me! Soon a time will come when every pegasus, unicorn, earth pony and undesirable shall bow to my will!

Oh and don't even think about Moondancer punishing me, she and the rest of the girls probably won't want a thing to do with me anymore since I'm not this perfect little angel. I'm damaged goods now and they certainly won't want to have to put up with my baggage.

Still Secretly Hating Ponyville,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I must thank you for not bringing that book back. For so long I was obsessed with perfection, kind of like you. When that perfect record vanished, I finally felt free! I finally felt like I could do things and not be scared of failing anymore. However, I am not happy that you didn't read that book. Had you done so, you wouldn't have still been having those freakouts that you are so famous for having.

Happy You Didn't Return the Book,

Dusty Pages

Dear Dusty,

Well you know how I am, I was upset that I ruined your perfect record and I just wanted to make it up to you! I thought that if I returned the book to you and then you could return it, you'd get your old job back! It seems as though you are a much happier mare now and that makes me happy. It was good to see you again.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Twilight,

So First Folio told me about how you were over eight years late on returning that book. Out of all ponies, I never imagined that you would be the one to be late returning a book, especially that late! Now you should be thanking her for pointing this out to me. Me and the girls have special plans for you, very special plans. Now get your flank back up here and meet us at your old study tower ASAP. We are currently in your old study tower doing the things we love most. Now be warned, if one of us has to come down and drag you back kicking and screaming, you won't like the results!

Ready to Punish You,

Moondancer

Moondancer,

Look, this was all Sunbutt's fault! Had she not sent me to that backwater dump she did when she did, I could have read the book and more importantly, returned it! So if you are going to go getting on anypony's case, go take it up with Sunbutt! Now you don't have to worry about dragging me up there, I was planning on going anyway. Let me say this though, I'm ready and if any of you try that horn cap bullshit with me, it will be you who will have your horn capped and be punished by me!

Ready to See You,

Princess Twilight

Dear Princess Twilight,

Could you thank Pinkie Pie and Rarity next time you see them? Thanks to them the Tasty Treat is now the most popular restaurant in all of Canterlot! Anypony who is anypony eats here. Also, if you see Princess Celestia thank her for making that new rating system for restaurants. Because of her, my father and I have a five crown rating and Zesty Gourmand not only went out of business, but has moved away from Canterlot. Your friends are true gems but everything I've heard about you, including being the sub of some of my best customers and stealing books, not so much. Again, tell them all thanks from my father and I.

Thankful for Everypony Who Has Helped Us,

Saffron Masala

Saffron,

For starters, let me say this. You can thank ME for your restaurant suddenly being so popular. It was MY friendship map that sent them up there to aid you two. Had it not been for me, there would have been no map to call my friends up to see you. Also without that map, Princess Celestia never would have known the time had come to change the rating system up there. With me being a princess, I am issuing a royal decree that you must let me come up there and sample the food for free. If I like it, you will be forced to give me free food for life and if you fail to do so, I'll frame you both for some crime and get you shut down. I am going up to see my friends here pretty soon. I will bring them to your place for lunch since they rave about it and either you feed us for free or I'll run you out of business.

Wanting Free Food,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Princess Twilight,

Stick your threats where the sun don't shine. We have Princess Celestia, the PRIMARY PRINCESS on our side so your threats are meaningless. Also, why should we give a little book thief free lunch anyway? Your friends, we'll give them a free meal since they come here so much but not you! We are not about to reward a book thief.

Sincerely,

Saffron Masala

Common Ground

Dear Clear Sky,

I want to know something, why the hell is your daughter such a little bitch? With the way she is behaving I'd think Wind Rider has to be her father. Now let me make myself clear, you better not hurt Quibble's feelings. He is a friend of mine and even though he only likes the first trilogy, if you break his heart or if Wind Sprint causes him to bolt, there will be hell to pay....got it?

Looking Out for My Friend,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Look, my daughter is not a little bitch. Even though the bastard cheated on me and was disgracefully stripped of his Wonderbolt status, Wind Rider is the father and she still loves him. Why I don't know but I am not about to go turning her against him or even worse, do something to cause her to want to move to be with him. That foal support he pays me keeps food on the table and I don't think Wind should have to feel like she has to choose between the two of us. Please, don't go telling Wind Sprint the truth about her father, ok?

Sincerely,

Clear Sky

Wind Sprint,

I am going to let you in on something, something that should cause you to lose all respect you have for that sorry excuse of a father of yours. You want to know what he did? This happened back when I was still just a Wonderbolt Reserve. Spitfire said something about me going to be breaking records and he framed me for a crime I didn't commit. That precious snowflake was so scared that I would break his records that he sent Spitfire off on a wild goose chase and made it look like I'm the one who sent her off so I could fly in the show the next day.

Also, he admitted to doing it in the end and said that sometimes to be the best that you have to play dirty. Is that the type of pony you want to even give half a shit about? Look, I know Quibble isn't an athlete and he isn't your father but unlike your sorry excuse of a father, he is good to her and will continue to be. All I ask of you is to at least be nice to him. You don't need to view him as a father figure but he obviously cares about you or he wouldn't have took you on that trip to the Buckball Hall of Fame nor would he have bought you that book you suddenly seem to kind of like.

Making Sure You Are Nice to My Friend,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

You can say whatever you want but I think you are just making all that up so that I will think of that nerdy friend of yours as something more than an annoying book freak who is trying to seduce my mom. I will tolerate Quibble but that is it. He can care about me as much as he wants but I will never think of him as family, ever.

Still Liking My Dad,

Wind Sprint

Quibble,

I think I know how to get Wind Sprint to like you more. I got in touch with A.K. Yearling and she is going to be at the next convention. Even better, she is going to see to it that all of us take part in another awesome adventure that involves stopping Ahuizotl! She even said that she could fix it to where Wind Sprint would do some amazing stunt to steal a priceless relic from him right before he uses it to cast part of Equestria into eternal night! Now if that won't get her to warm up to you AND like Daring Do as much as us, nothing will! What do you think, think we should do this?

Hoping to Get Wind Sprint into Daring Do,

Rainbow Dash

Rainbow,

That sounds awesome! If we can get Wind Sprint into the Daring Do books, then we will have something we can bond over. Maybe then Clear Sky and I can grow closer. I know Wind has a lot to do with whether things will work out with us or not in the end and if a Daring Do convention can bring us closer to together, that will be sweet!

Hoping You Can Get Wind Sprint to Like Daring Do,

Quibble Pants

Dear Princess Celestia,

Those damn writers are at it again, they excluded me from an episode in favor of Crash, Quibble, his marefriend and her bitchy little daughter. That is inexcusable if you ask me but it isn't a total loss since Cadence came down to visit. It is so nice not having to worry about whether or not my brother will be upset over this. I am still curious about one thing, who is really Flurry's father. I know you switched out the cards but I honestly think the first set were the real ones. If you'd let me know I'd be really happy.

Still Thinking I'm Flurry's "Father,"

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Well I am happy that you can have your Cadi and not have to worry about your brother throwing a fit over it. I do think it is sweet though that Shining is sharing his wife with you like any good brother would. Regarding those cards, I'm going to let you in on a secret that only Iron Will and I know, and now you. You are indeed Flurry's father but please don't go telling anypony. The last thing I need is to get involved in a scandal that would only benefit Iron Will. Maybe he will call all of you back on his show sometime and the truth can be revealed. For now though, just let your brother think he is the father, alright.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh, and if you tell anypony, I'll take those wings away and give them to my daugh....I mean Starlight, alright?

Sweet and Smoky

Flutterbitch,

I have decided to place you on administrative leave without pay for activities you engaged in during your trip to the dragon lands. Ember notified me that you attempted to dragonnap some baby dragons that had just hatched. Do you not know how serious of a crime that is? You better be glad that Ember and I are friends because normally the punishment for your crime would have been being fed to Torch. I do need you to come over to my castle though so that I can dish out the punishment that Ember has demanded I give you.

Well she gave me two options and I am incredibly torn between them. I am wondering, should I finally make amends with you and be your friend or shall I release some pent up stress that I have from getting so little airtime? Oh well, you'll find out soon enough.

Ready to Punish You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Twilight,

I'm sorry I tried to dragonnap those baby dragons but they were just so adorable! Tell Ember I am sorry and please don't do anything too bad to me. I really don't want to be tortured and whatever the other thing is, I don't think I even want to know. Knowing you, you'll probably kill one of my animals right in front of me.

Hoping You Don't Punish Me too Bad,

Fluttershy

Garble,

I never knew you were a poet. Why didn't you tell me that sooner and I could have helped you come up with some bad-ass material to share with those "friends" of yours. I do have some advice though, come down to Ponyville and go to Twilight's friendship school. It is obvious that you and Smolder are close and besides, you really do have a lot to learn about friendship.

Sincerely,

Spike

Spike,

Just because I am a poet and other dragons know about my softer side does not mean that I'm suddenly going to go being all nice and go to some mamby-pamby pony school. I know Smolder is going there but still, going there would be super embarrassing and my "friends" would never let me live it down.

Knowing You're Still a Runt,

Garble

Dear Princess Celestia,

Get this, on a trip out to the dragon lands with Smolder and Spike, Fluttershy tried to dragonnap some newly hatched baby dragons. Now as you know the punishment for such actions is harsh, extremely harsh. Luckily Ember and I are friends and I was able to get her to let me handle it instead and you are likely going to find this very entertaining.

Remember how I wanted to forcefully initiate Fluttershy before I ascended? Well I decided the time had come to befriend her again and let's just say that I forced some Sparkle into her life. Now yeah, she wasn't thrilled when I rammed my horn up in her and she is kind of leery of me now but oh well, I got what I wanted and I now actually consider her a friend, an actual friend for the first time. She's not a friend with benefits, not a sweetie, just a mare that I forced into my bed and get along with now.

Oh and on one final note, you know Spike's old nemesis Garble? As it turns out, he is actually a pussy who writes poetry and is now the butt of all his so-called "friends'" jokes. I find it kind of humorous that he ain't as tough as we all thought he was. The bad thing, Spike suddenly wants him to come down to the friendship school but luckily, he has declined his invitation. Well all that matters is I finally got Fluttershy in my bed against her will.

Having Fluttershy as a Friend (sort of),

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Think I should issue an executive order and force her to put out for me on demand? Hell I could even force her to join me on trips up to Canterlot to see my old friends! I'm sure they'd just love to see her, especially Colgate!

Dear Princess Twilight,

Sweet, now that's my girl! I am so glad that after all the shit that little vet screwing skank put you through that you were finally able to force her into friendship. It must have been really fun shoving your horn in her but I am a bit disappointed. I am disappointed that you likely didn't get it on video and then share it with me. I would have loved to see you forcing yourself on her like that.

Now regarding Garble, it is likely for the best that he rejected an invitation to come to your school. Yes it did turn out he was a poet who is all bark and no bite but I still don't think he is exactly the friendship type. Back to what is important though, congrats on finally using your executive powers to make Fluttershy worsen her quality of life.

Proud of You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Yes, use your executive powers to make Fluttershy join you when you go to visit your old friends. They may think Fluttershy is a ditz now but with you there, I know she will slip up and the real her will come to the surface. I'm pretty sure the powers that be are simply bluffing about what will happen if Fluttershy becomes "damaged goods" and I know Colgate and her friends will be thrilled! I do know one thing, perhaps Colgate will wind up having a domestic slave, I mean wife when all is said and done after all!

Student Counsel

Dear Starlight,

What The Great and Powerful Trixie would like to know is do you even have time for her anymore? It seems like you are always putting your job ahead of her. Look, if you want there to be a chance of us getting married someday, you will put The Great and Powerful Trixie ahead of work or at least make some sort of schedule that will only make you available from 0800-1700 Monday through Friday for those students to come and whine to you about their problems. The rest of that time needs to be dedicated to The Great and Powerful Trixie. Other couples put each other first and Trixie thinks we need to be the same way.

Upset,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

P.S. Trixie certainly hopes that this is not your way of trolling her. Twilight has told Trixie about how you may be the daughter of the troll of all trolls and if that is true, please don't be like your mom. Trixie does not want to marry a troll.

Dear Trixie,

Look, it is just a matter of me taking my job as the guidance counselor very seriously. You know I have a checkered past and I feel like that by being the best, most helpful counselor in Equestria that I can make up for it. I'm sorry, ok? I'll make office hours so that you won't feel like I'm abandoning you ok? However, if one of the students go missing like Silverstream did, it will be my moral duty to go searching for them.

Being Honest,

Starlight Glimmer

To the cockatrices,

Why couldn't you have just turned Sunburst into stone and then made sure he shattered like the Storm King? The Great and Powerful Trixie is very upset that you did not wipe out a pony that she simply does not like! Now Trixie has an important mission for all of you, go to the Crystal Empire, break into Sunburst's house and turn him into stone and then flee the scene before anypony can force you to turn him back. Trust Trixie, she will make it worth your while.

Hoping You'll Turn Sunburst into Stone,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Trixie,

*Screech, squawk, screech!*

The cockatrices

Dear Starlight,

I can not believe what a shitty guidance counselor you are. My daughter was simply asking you for advice on how to describe showers to us seaponies since we live underwater yet you just blow her off? Even worse, my son had to join you in looking for her in an area that is infested with chicken/snake hybrids that could have turned all of you into stone? I have half a mind to go tell Twilight about what you did but I really don't feel like associating with a pony who wanted to get me in bed. Just don't let this happen again, ok?

Sincerely,

Ocean Flow

Dear Ocean Flow,

Look, your daughter continued to ask me question after question when my marefriend and I were trying to plan a party for one of our friends but thanks to her, my marefriend had to do most of the work and she wound up accusing me of putting work ahead of her. Look, I do not want to risk losing my sweetie because of Silverstream's overly curious nature about things that can't be experienced by seaponies.

Thinking your Daughter is Overly Curious,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Fluttershy,

Guess what, I can do something that you can't! Now I have heard you broke out of being turned to stone by a cockatrice but I figured out how to get them to calm down and not want to turn anyone to stone. Yep, if you communicate with them just right and are nice to them, they are actually quite docile. Yes you may be able to communicate with animals and calm manticores and Cerberus down but even you can't calm down a cockatrice! Perhaps the communicating with animals thing should just be left to me now and you can go be the slutty yellow pony Yona knows you are, you can just go screw Dr. Fauna all the time from now on.

Much Better than You,

Silverstream

To My Overly Hyper Student,

Oh so you think you are so great now huh? I get it, you can calm down cockatrices but I'd love to see you go calm down Cerberus and a manticore. I know you couldn't do it so just shut up. You can handle those stupid things, I'll take care of everything else.

Your Teacher,

Fluttershy

Dear Princess Celestia,

I was excluded, again. This is the third time in four episodes and I thought the writers were going to focus on ME more this season. They promised me that I would be the star but they were obviously lying. I should have known those assholes would lie to me and put other characters ahead of me but I'm pretty sure this last one was probably ordered by you since Starlight is more valuable than gold to you.

Just you wait though, when I am crowned Queen of Equestria in the very end and I run you, your sister, your precious Starlight and Trixie out of what will be MY COUNTRY, I will get the last laugh. Once that happens, so many ponies are gonna die and I'm sure you know which two will be first on my list. Damn I can't wait to fulfill my true destiny, taking Equestria as my own!

Equestria's Future Queen,

Queen, I mean Princess Twilight Sparkle

To the Tyrant Princess,

Are you simply testing me to see how much longer I will put up with this before I reverse that longevity spell and have you assassinated or what? You should know damn good and well that you will NEVER become queen. Once my sister and I do decide to retire, we will put Starlight and Trixie in power to take care of this land. I know for sure that Starlight will kill anything that messes with Equestria while you will simply try and use friendship to reform them....either that or if it is a hot female, get them in bed.

I know you're probably going to go shitting bricks and bitch to the big brass about this but Starlight is my favorite and never has she destroyed things like you have. You have destroyed so many things, well you and your slave but Starlight has done none of the such. She is a perfect angel and is the embodiment of perfection.

Knowing Starlight is the Best,

Princess Celestia

The Last Crusade

Dear Snap Shutter and Mane Allgood,

So this is what you have been doing for well over the past eight years? You have just had your daughter living alone in your house while you go out and play Crocodile Dundee? For parents who claim to care so much about your child you sure the hell don't act like it. You do realize that you have committed a crime, don't you? Leaving your daughter alone for over eight years counts as child abandonment and while I would normally throw terrible parents such as you in the dungeon for a decade, I suppose I will let this slide since your daughter has her own crimes she has committed.

I would also normally fine shitty parents such as you 100,000 bits but again, your daughter has been a bitch and obviously didn't get that from you so I too will let it slide. There are other parents though, parents on my shit list, that I will fine over this instead. They are going to love me so much over this! Well have fun in whatever third world shit hole you're going to next. If you ever do come back, be sure to tell your daughter that she is still a libelous bitch.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, we have jobs you know and up until now, the places we went were no place to have a filly. We get it though, we're terrible parents who probably should have just given our daughter to Lofty and Holiday to raise the day we headed out to handle all those dangerous creatures. Now we are glad that you are not going to punish us but we know all about Scootaloo's crimes. Don't worry princess, we have had a good talk with her and let her know that printing libel and poisoning ponies is wrong and she and her delinquent friends of hers promised that they won't do it again.

We are pleased that you have other ponies that you can fine. We are sure you won't tell us but is it the parents of that lavender Alicorn that set their party up? We personally hope so because we really didn't want the whole town to hate us for convincing Scootaloo to stay. We seriously wanted her to follow in our hoofsteps but with Lofty and Holiday raising her, she'll likely turn out to make quilts and do other bland, boring crap that will take her nowhere in life.

Sincerely,

Snap Shutter and Mane Allgood

Dear Scootaloo,

So your parents and your aunts finally showed up after nearly nine years of you living alone? I now know why you pulled the shit you have in your past. I know why you thought printing libelous claims about so many ponies was ok, I know why you thought poisoning Big Mac and your teacher was ok. It was all because you had nopony around to teach you right from wrong. Now is that going to suddenly get you off of my shit list, HELL NO! You shall remain there just like your troublemaker friends will and I do ask you of one favor, please go and join your parents eventually so you can make something out of yourself. I think that with your aunts raising you and you still hanging around those friends of yours, you will make absolutely nothing of yourself. This whole "helping ponies discover who they are" bullshit will mean nothing and take you nowhere until you finally grow a brain and start charging for your services. I doubt your aunts are going to want you free loading off of them thirty years down the road.

Knowing You'll Never Amount to Anything,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Look, my friends and I do what we do because it is our destiny to be sweet little angels and help ponies for free. If anything, I think we should bill you for this because if it weren't for us, you'd likely be footing the bill for ponies with no talents having to seek out therapy. I find it rather insulting that you think I will never amount to anything unless I throw my friends under the bus just to join my parents in handling dangerous creatures. I swear, I can't help but wonder if you haven't got some of your beliefs from Rarity because she thinks Sweetie Belle will still be mooching off of her in thirty years for giving away her services. Unlike your cake craving gluttonous flank, we are not greedy. We don't tax ponies into oblivion or fine them over nothing!

Knowing You are a Greedy Bitch,

Scootaloo

Dear Lofty and Holiday,

As princess of Equestria I am issuing a direct order to you two. I am ordering you to force Scootaloo to start paying you rent so she will be forced to start charging for that shitty hobby she and her friends are so good at. I am very displeased that she is getting away with "working" if you can even call it that and not paying me taxes. Hell maybe you should force her to take up a new line of work, something such as being your personal housekeeper. Pay her 10 bits per hour and then she should be able to fork over enough to me to keep my bitching at a semi-reasonable level. Don't let me down or I will force Scootaloo to go out and live with her parents, even if I have to take her to Shit Lanka or whatever the name of that shit hole they've moved to is.

Demanding You Put Scootaloo to Work,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

We have always heard about what a greedy uncaring bitch you are and it sounds like all those rumors are correct. Look, Scootaloo is just a filly and she should not have to charge for her services solely so she can be robbed by you. We get it, you think that if you have another pony paying you taxes you might be able to afford more cake but we are not going to force Scootaloo into doing things she doesn't want to. Whether that be charging for her services or being hauled off to work with her parents, it is not happening.

Also, we are not going to force our niece to be our housekeeper either. Families are there for one another and if somepony needs a roof over their head, especially a filly, we give it to them! We bought her parents' house so that we could be there in Ponyville so she will have a family always looking out for her. Look at it this way, we will help guide her in a direction where she won't do the things she has done in the past. That should be more than enough to satisfy you and your bitchy attitude.

Sincerely,

Lofty and Holiday

Dear God Emperor Goldner,

Alright, let me say this. Since you brought a confirmed lesbian couple into My Little Pony, you better let my daughter and her sweetie become a couple on screen. You have been doing nothing but bitching non-stop about how it will hurt the company's profits. Guess what? You can't use that shitty cop-out excuse anymore. The cat is out of the bag, there is a confirmed lesbian couple now and I don't think bringing in a second one, one involving primary characters is going to hurt any.

Now do know this, if my daughter doesn't get what she wants, I WILL make your precious little Fluttershy's life a living hell after the series is over. Tartarus knows no wrath worse than a mother who is pushing for her daughter to get what she wants. So StarXie better be a reality before the end, got it?

Princess Celestia

Princess Celestia,

In the event you didn't notice or you were too busy coming up with plans on how to fine Twilight's family into the poor house, Lofty and Holiday, while it has been confirmed, you couldn't even tell they were a couple if you didn't know it. I know what it is you want though. I know you want your daughter to profess her love to Trixie on screen, ask her if she will be her marefriend, Trixie say yes and then the two suck face like they are in an R rated movie on screen. It's not happening Tia. You can do whatever the hell you want to Fluttershy after all is said and done and I won't care. It is simply too big of a risk. Hell Lofty and Holiday pissed off enough uptight judgmental people as it is, I don't feel like sinking the company just to please your precious daughter and her little marefriend.

Telling it How it is,

Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Special: Standing Up to the Tax Pony

Dear Twilight Velvet and Night Light,

I have some absolutely spectacular news for you. Do you remember that bitch filly that printed that image of me in her school's newspaper so long ago? Well as it turns out her parents had abandoned her for years and the punishment for such a thing is harsh, very harsh. Now I did let them off on what would normally be a ten year long prison sentence and I also let them off on the 100,000 bit fine that would normally be imposed upon them.

However, I can not simply go without collecting fine money, I'm sure you know that though. Also, your daughter has committed a crime too. She set up some dumb party to celebrate how Scootaloo and her troublemaker friends can't be parted so her parents wouldn't haul her off to some third world shit hole and finally break that little cult apart. Because of that, not only am I fining you 150,000 bits for Twilight's mistake but I am also fining you the 100,000 bits that I decided to forgive that filly's parents for.

Now I will be coming by your house in a week to collect the 250,000 bits you suddenly owe me and if you don't have every last bit of it, not only will I impose an extra fine of 30% on you, but I will also take your precious daughter's wings away from her, her title away from her and her castle away from her and give them all to Starlight since she is better than her anyway. To top it off, I will force you to take Twilight back in with you and you can put up with her bitchiness, not Starlight, not her friends or her bootie-call.

Ready to Collect Your Money Again,

Princess Celestia

Dear Greedlestia,

That is it! We have had enough of your fucking excessive taxation and fines. For starters, we will NOT pay fines over the activities of ponies we do not even know. Also, we are not going to pay some sort of shitty fine over our daughter simply trying to be a nice pony and prevent three very close friends from being parted. You always wanted Twilight to be a nice pony and here she goes and does a good deed you are wanting to fine us a horribly large sum of money over this.

You know what Cakeass, if you come over here and demand that money, we are going to the press over this. We have kept detailed records of every single fine and unfair tax you have imposed upon us. We are quite certain that you have done this to other ponies in the country too all so you can have more cake to stuff your face with or just for your sadistic entertainment.

Who knows, once we go public, every single pony you have fucked over with excessive taxation or ridiculous fines may come forward and we can turn the whole nation against you and force you to abdicate. Given that your sister has never tried to stop you, we are damn sure we can turn them against her too. Guess what, then our daughter will be the one to ascend to be the primary princess and we know that with her in charge, ridiculous fines and excessive taxes will be a thing of the past.

So which is it, do you keep your throne or do we go public? It is your choice so choose wisely you greedy glutton.

Ready to Bring You Down,

Night Light and Twilight Velvet

P.S. We are also demanding that you return every single bit you have taken from us unfairly or we will go public.

Dear Night Light and Twilight Velvet,

You know what, FINE! I will not fine you for all this and I will return all the money I have allegedly "stolen" from you. I can not believe what a greedy couple you are. Never once did I imagine that the two of you would want to bring down the pony who not only took that bitch daughter of yours off your hooves, but ascended her into being an Alicorn. You know what? I could have easily not have ascended her and prevented Shining Armor from marrying my easy niece.

Now I do want to warn you two of this though. If you so much as jaywalk or spit on the sidewalk, you will find your worthless flanks rotting in the bottom most bowels of Tartarus, got it. A princess without enough money to have the absolute best baker in Equestria to fix her top of the line cakes is going to be an incredibly bitchy and spiteful pony. Who knows, I may decide to take all of this out on your daughter. Perhaps when my sister and I decide to retire, I should just put my sweet, innocent Starlight on the throne because never once has she ever done anything wrong. Unlike your daughter who has wasted so much government money and destroyed everything she has touched, Starlight is an innocent pony, a pure angel, a model citizen of Equestria....the only one who is suited to take over for me.

Ready to Ascend Starlight,

Princess Celestia

Princess Bitchlestia,

Seriously, you think that Starlight Glimmer is a perfect little angel? Look, Twilight has told us about all the shit she has done. We know about her being a dictator in a small town, we know about how she stole cutie marks, we know how she nearly destroyed Equestria multiple times over, we know about how she brainwashed her friends and we know about how she throws magical temper tantrums and one time nearly tore Discord to shreds with her magic.

Our daughter has a cool, calm and collected attitude while Starlight sounds like she has way too short of a fuse to handle things in a reasonable manner. We know she will handle Equestria's threats calmly and banish evildoers to Tartarus while your precious Starlight would be too likely to kill somepony for breathing wrong, either that or start a war with a foreign country for them simply sneezing in the castle.

Trust us, putting Twilight on the throne is the only rational choice. Since you love Starlight so much, almost like she is your daughter, just take her with you after you retire. Both of us think that her moving off with you would be a far better choice than being a power hungry bitch who would simply carry on your legacy.

Knowing Twilight Should Be Head Princess,

Night Light and Twilight Velvet

Dear Night Light and Twilight Velvet,

Look, I am going to give you all your damn money back, ok? Isn't that enough or are you going to go demanding everything including the crown jewels? I simply think Starlight is more suited for the job because she will fuck up any and all enemies of Equestria. Your daughter is far too much of a softy and has horrific panic attacks that simply doesn't make her suitable for the throne. Just ask Spike, he will tell you about how Twilight gets when she freaks out. Hell one time she had such an epic freak out that she fantasized about an Alicorn filly being in magic kindergarten. What made that one worse was that it was all over her worrying about getting a friendship letter to me on time. That freak out was priceless, completely priceless.

Starlight however, has never done such a thing. She has a level head on her shoulders and has never freaked out over tiny things like ladybugs. Just ask Shining Armor about the ladybug situation! She thinks I use them to spy on her! Those two things alone are proof that your daughter isn't fit to rule, got it?

Knowing Your Daughter Isn't Fit to Rule,

Princess Celestia

Between Dark and Dawn

Dear Twilight and Friends,

While our vacation did not go as planned from what we understand your attempt at holding the swan festival was a complete disaster. You know Twilight, my sister and I took a vacation when we did to see if you were up to the task of putting on a simple festival but all of you have let both of us down. I'm not sure about Luna but I honestly am beginning to question whether we should retire or not now. Yes you have handled all sorts of evil shit, including Tirek at his worst but if you can't handle a simple swan festival, then maybe the two of us should either stay in power or put Starlight on the throne instead. Too bad her and Trixie took a girls' trip to Las Pegasus because I know they would have put this together just fine.

Your time to prove to me that you and your friends are fit to rule is running short and as of right now, I don't think any of you are up to it. You know the old saying "If you want something right, you have to do it yourself?" I am beginning to think that is the best policy and besides, after the type of vacation that Luna and I had, we realized that simply living life like a commoner isn't for us. You however, still behave like a commoner so remaining a lower tier princess and head mare of a shitty friendship school should be sufficient for you.

Knowing You're Not Fit to Rule (Yet),

Princess Celestia

P.S. Luna and I also saw how you couldn't handle the sun and moon and we know you broke that amulet so that is another strike against you. Hell we should have just waited until Starlight got home because with her superior genetics, she could have handled everything just fine without an amulet!

Dear Princess Celestia,

What, seriously? Here you are bitching about how we couldn't handle a festival? Look at the two of you, both of you are either too stupid or too lazy to handle Equestria's biggest villains. When was the last time you did that, over a thousand years ago? I know you at one time promised my friends and I that we could take over but I know what your real plan is. Your real plan is not to stay in power, your real plan is to wait until the right moment and put your precious Starlight and her little marefriend on the throne. I know that because you are constantly praising Starlight and begging the big brass to let you ascend her and to allow her to marry Trixie.

You know what Sunbutt, I honestly thought that we were going to grow close again but whenever something like this comes along and I don't do a perfect job, you use that as an excuse to deny me what is rightfully mine. You make an excuse to prevent me and my friends from becoming the rulers of Equestria. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you aren't already getting things ready for some lavish celebration involving not just Starlight being ascended and marrying Trixie, but a celebration for her becoming QUEEN, EMPRESS or whatever title that would truly make her my superior.

Just you wait though, I will eventually prove that I belong on the throne and with me, you won't have a leader with all the baggage Starlight has. I would focus on my job and not a special somepony, especially one as bad as Trixie! Do know this though, in the end it will be me on the throne and my friends being my subordinates, I mean assistants.

Ready to Rule Soon,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Oh yes, there you go with your Starlight worship again. Look, I know you're hiding something and you bringing up her genetics is one step closer to confirming my suspicions. Look Tia, you don't have to hide it from me anymore. I know that she is most likely your daughter. How about this, if you tell me the truth I won't tell anypony else, alright?

Dear Fancy Pants,

Twilight told me what an asshole you were while she was trying to set up that stupid swan celebration that I should have eradicated before you were born and lets just say I am not happy. Because of your behavior I have decided to fine you 100 million bits and I am also ordering that you pay me an extra 100 million bits to give to a pony who is very special to me. In total that equals 200 million bits and if you do not pay up by this time tomorrow, I will not only seize your assets and flog you 200 million times but I will seize the assets of every rich piece of shit in Canterlot. So which is it? Will only one wealthy asshole pay up or will I be collecting from all of them?

You can however get out of these fines and give Fleur de Lis to me as an offering. You see, I have some ponies who have dirt on me and if I can give them a present, I could sleep much easier. Now don't worry, I will dissolve your marriage upon arrival so that any kind of seducing you may do will not count as cheating. I do have some advice though, despite her wanting you, don't go after Rarity because it would be a crying shame if I was to have to give her as an offering to those ponies that have dirt on me too.

So regardless, I will be seeing you soon. Whichever method of payment you choose, I win!

Victorious Over You,

Princess Celestia

Princess Bitchlestia,

Seriously, you are expecting me to pay you 200 million bits in fines solely out of spite? Look, I am rich but even I don't have 200 million bits and because of that, I have to give you my wife just so you can give her as a present to some ponies who have dirt on you? What I would like to know is what kind of plans those four ponies would have for her once you give her to them. Whatever it is, I know it is likely something horrible but I suppose I will have to hand her over to you. I know how you are, if I don't you'd probably seize all my assets AND come abduct her in the middle of the night. Do know this, I along with all the wealthy ponies in Canterlot will go to the papers and expose you for all of this.

Ready to Expose You,

Fancy Pants

Fancy Pants,

Guess what, nopony in this country is going to believe the rants of a rich snob such as you or any of the other rich snobs in Equestria so I have nothing to worry about. Now bring Fleur to the palace upon receiving this letter or else!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Bitchlestia,

Fine, I will bring her over right now. I don't feel like you seizing all my assets.

Fancy Pants

Dear Colgate, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts,

I have some absolutely amazing news for you. I have an absolutely spectacular present for you, a very sexy present. Now you can't have this present until after the series is over. It isn't some hot little pegasus with a bow in her mane but this one is much better than that, it can give you what you give it. Now don't worry, once I give you everything else you wanted, I will force your present to marry all four of you and then you will have a second domestic slave, I mean wife, that you can abuse and force to put out at any time you damn well please. I do know one thing for sure, you four will love it!

Having a Gift for You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

You have a present for us? Now that is fucking sweet! Yeah it sucks that you can't give her to us before the series is over but at least now we will be guaranteed to have a second slave, we mean wife to clean up our castle and it sounds like she is a unicorn so that will make life even better. Now it is just a matter of who will get to break her in. Thanks in advance!

Sincerely,

Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

P.S. I just got to thinking about something, since this one will be a unicorn she can join us in giving it to Flutterbitch. Why have Flutters be the sex slave of only four ponies when enslaving her to a fifth will be even more fun! - Colgate

Rainbow Roadtrip

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well my friends took a little trip recently to some town in the middle of fucking nowhere, Hope Hollow I think was its name. Anyway it was so bad it even makes dumps like Appaloosa and Dodge Junction look not so bad. Here is what happened, well we decided to take a trip and this rainbow thing wound up tearing our balloon apart and we crashed. Seriously, a rainbow just suspended in the air and is made out of some sort of solid material? What the fuck is up with that? When we crash landed I immediately knew that this place was going to be trouble.

Don't even get me started on what they consider a luxury hotel, well more of a crappy outdated inn that even Sheriff Silverstar would have condemned. Yeah Flutters was wanting to get a spider in bed but there was nothing new there, right? Ok, back to the inn. This place was classified as royal but it only had one room and the beds in there were shit, pure shit so we all wound up having to sleep on the floor. Luxurious my lavender flank, it was a pure dump.

Now for the town, the whole damn place was fucking gray. The ponies were gray, the buildings were gray and the plants were gray. Get this, they claimed something about a butterfly festival but their sorry ass excuse for it was pictures of the damn things. Hell I'm surprised they didn't just have pictures of Fluttershy's ass. Even stranger, they seemed to know something about us which I find rather unnerving. How a bunch of idiots that live in the middle of nowhere could know about us is beyond me but I'm thinking it is time we all get restraining orders against these stalkers.

Ok, I learned about how they used to make their rainbows from their idiot mayor. They actually used some sort of mechanical device to create their rainbow to keep the color around. Now that is fucked up, they had to use a device of some sort to not only create the rainbows but also to keep the color of this place going. Here I thought it was ass backwards to have pegasi making rainbows but this is actually dumber.

Now as it turns out, they truly are mental defects. They all seemed to think that Crash's shit didn't stink and a couple young pegasi wanted to get her in bed, especially once Crashie started calling them future wonderbolts. Now not only are we going to have to keep an eye on this whole town but also Crash. She really shouldn't be encouraging minors to want to eat her, especially ones who look up to her so much.

In the end we discovered it wasn't the broken machine that took the color of that damn place away, it was the hopelessness of those ponies realizing that they will never be as awesome as me. Once we got them to realize that being inferiors is ok, everything got its color back but then something completely gross happened.

Get this, their mayor Sunny Skies and this local mare, Petunia Petals, apparently had crushes one one another and not long before we bolted from that dump their mayor asked this mare to marry him in some sappy ass speech. Ugh, what the hell is wrong with Petunia, accepting a marriage proposal from a stallion? Now yeah, our personalities clash but she should have been begging to come home with me and be a friend with benefits but oh well, it is her loss. I do have some advice though, don't let them get a marriage license. That way maybe I can add Petunia into my circle of "friends" someday.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Here we fucking go again! I thought that you had got past that non-stop bitching phase but apparently I was wrong. I do have some advice for you though, don't go gallivanting all over Equestria just because Crash got an invitation to some dumb event that is beneath you. Now regarding everything that happened, I think it serves you right for just abandoning all your responsibilities at the school AND neglecting the favors you owe your friends up here. Colgate is very pissed and I will say this, I would not want to be you next time you go to see your old friends.

Regarding that town, it sounds rather fucked up. I have never heard of it but then again I haven't heard of a lot of the shitty little towns out in the middle of nowhere. I've just heard of Appaloosa and Dodge Junction because you have bitched to me about them and of course Sire's Hollow since that is where my favorite is from.

So the reason they lost all their color is because they were hopeless in the fact that they would never be as good as you? Don't make me laugh Twily, that can't be it. Now if they were depressed that they would never even come close to being a tenth as good as Starlight, I could understand it but I doubt anypony is going to have to worry about being worse than you.

Now I am very displeased to hear that a mare there, one you want, accepted a marriage proposal from a stallion. Now don't worry Twilight, despite you only being my second favorite, I can see to it that you get Petunia as a friend in the end. You see, I am in charge of handing out marriage licenses and all I'd have to do is refuse to give them one, which I plan on doing, and I can make it easy for Petunia to become your slave, I mean friend.

Now I do think you should hurry up and get your flank home because Neighsay has put a temporary schoolmaster in place at your school and the longer you are gone, the less likely the students will be to welcome you back.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Princess Twilight,

So you just ran off and left your school unattended again? To make matters worse, your guidance counselor and her marefriend ran off to Las Pegasus so I had to hire this draconeqqus to run the school and he made a copy of himself to be the guidance counselor. The students seem to really like him so good luck winning them back when you return.

Upset You Ran Off,

Chancellor Neighsay

Chancellor Neighsay,

You what? You decided to put Discord in charge after all the shit he pulled when I put Starlight in charge. Was it your plan to turn my school upside down and cause enough problems to cause all the students to leave? I thought we were past you wanting to shut me down but apparently not. Well when I get back those students will adhere to the Twilight Sparkle Education Association Doctrine which means no chaos, no anti-gravity fields, no chocolate rain and no narcissistic professors!

Ready to Take My School Back,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am Mayor Sunny Skies of Hope Hollow and I recently asked a very special mare, Petunia Petals, to marry me and she said yes. Twilight said something about you being the one to hand out marriage licenses and I am contacting you about obtaining one. I know you are a benevolent and loving princess and I do hope you will allow us to get married. We love one another so very much and we would be completely lost if we can't be joined together by marriage.

Hoping You Will Let Us Get Married,

Mayor Sunny Skies of Hope Hollow

Dear Skunni Slies or whatever your name is,

No. I am sorry but I can't let you and Petina or whatever her name is get married. You see, I am very picky when it comes to straight couples getting married and you two just don't make the cut. Well it is that along with the fact that I only issue a few hetero licenses every decade and most of them have been taken and one is spoken for so you're out of luck. A word of advice, don't even attempt to try and go get married abroad because not only would it not be recognized here in Equestria but you would wind up in Tartarus and your marefriend would find herself banished to Twilight's dungeon of sexy times until she loses her sex appeal.

Now please do me a favor and go do something productive with your time such as collecting some taxes because your town is behind on loan payments. Failure to do so will result in me coming and abducting every hot mare and giving them to Twilight's old friends....mares who are extremely aggressive in the bedroom.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Mid-Season Special: Fluttershy Discovers Her Fate

Dear Princess Celestia,

Guess what, Princess Twilight paid us a visit and she brought us a present, a very sexy pegasus. You have no idea how thrilled we were when she brought Fluttershy up to us. Twilight must know what we find sexy because Flutters even had a bow in her mane, just like Flitter! Well I'm pretty sure you know what happened, we broke her in and Twilight did her again. After that though, we forced Fluttershy to record us punishing Twilight for being so late in bringing her temporary bootie call up to us.

Now thanks to Twilight slipping up and mentioning that she would attend the wedding Fluttershy knows but the second she tried to bolt, Twilight issued an executive order that she will become our property upon completion of the series and that if she tried to get out of it, that vet and junkie were going to die. That got her in line real quick so now Fluttershy knows her fate and has resigned herself to it. Pretty fucking sweet, huh?

Fluttershy's Future Owners,

Colgate, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

To My Favorite Students of All Time,

That is sweet, very sweet! I am glad to know that Fluttershy has resigned herself to her future fate and I am proud of Twilight for making sure that she doesn't try to run off. Don't worry, I will officiate this huge wedding but unfortunately I have had to free Twilight's parents from paying for every little thing but I have decided that Fluttershy's parents will pay for it instead. Hey, she will be the bride after all and that is how it works!

Now you have Fluttershy in the bag and everything else I have promised will be given. Just make sure to be total slobs to make Shy's life a living hell. You certainly wouldn't want to go easy on her now would you? Now I would write more but I have a freshly baked cake being delivered to me.

Congrats on Getting Shy,

Princess Celestia

Dear Mr. Goldner,

I thought you were going to make sure that I did not become damaged goods during season nine! I thought you had told Bitchlestia that you would ruin Starlight Glimmer's life if I became damaged goods. Guess what, I was hauled up to Canterlot, forced into sex with Twibitch's old friends and from what I understand I will be forced into marriage with all four of them! Now I think Celestia needs to be punished for this. You need to fuck up Starlight and make her like boys and make sure she never ascends.

Now you promised this and I am expecting you to fulfill your promise. If you don't and you still allow Cakeass to go through with all these grandiose plans for that bitch who chose a street magician over me, I will see to it you get voted out as CEO!

Making Sure You Stick to your Words,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

I can not believe that you honestly believed that! I had all of you fooled but I decided long ago to allow Starlight Glimmer to be ascended. Hey, that would be one final toy that Hasbro could sell in the end you know! Now regarding your fate, I am completely fine with it because once G4 is over, you will no longer serve any use to me. Besides, those four honorable mares from Canterlot deserve nothing but the most subservient and easy to control little thing!

One bit of good news though, I have told Twilight that I think she should free that vet and that junkie after you are deemed the property of the Canterlot Four. Now I am not demanding it but Twilight told me that she will think about it so their deaths are not certain! That has to make you feel a little better, right?

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go pay the advertising department a visit to see how exactly we will unveil Starlight's ascension and how to advertise the Alicorn Starlight figures that are certain to allow me to buy a few more yachts. Hell I may even suggest a set of you and the Canterlot Four, that would bring in even more revenue and guarantee me another mansion!

Ready for Celestia to Ascend Starlight,

Brian Goldner (CEO of Hasbro, Inc.)

Dear Princess Bitchlestia,

So you and the big brass decided to stick it to me in the end after all? I have been in contact with the big bad CEO and now I know you and him have had this ascension shit for Starlight planned for ages. I always knew you were a tyrant but I thought that after you helped me get out of being Colgate's patient, that you had changed. I thought you had become a nice caring pony who understood that forgiveness is part of friendship but apparently not. You know what, I may decide to go to the press about this too. I am certain that the ponies of Equestria will not take kindly to the fact that you and a much higher power are determining my fate, a very terrible fate.

I should have known though that those four precious mares you defended so much and got off scot-free would wind up winning in the end. I look back at things and I honestly wish I would have told all of you to fuck off when it came to redeeming your sister. Eternal night wouldn't have been that bad and it would have kept me from having to put up with Twibitch constantly wanting to initiate me and now me going to become the property of Colgate and her bitch friends.

I hope in the end you become the most despised character not in just the history of My Little Pony, but in all of Hasbro. You are undeserving of being liked and I hope you realize that.

Hating Your Guts,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Suck it up bitch. You are getting exactly what you deserve for being a libelous, treasonous bitch who denied my prize pupil what she wanted for the first five years she had to put up with your shit. Now you be sure and when the time comes, have fun being the domestic slave of Twilight's old friends! One bit of good news though, you'll get free dental so it won't be all bad!

Sticking it to You,

Princess Celestia

The Last Laugh

Dear Cheese Sandwich,

Look, I am happy that you got your laugh back, well not really, but you know what I mean. I however, am not happy with the pollution that your factory is producing. Seriously though, the sky around your factory is horribly polluted and all that shit is spreading across Equestria. I am not sure if you know we have environmental laws in this country but we do and violating them is an extremely serious crime.

If ponies or other creatures from abroad travel here and see polluted skies because of your factory, our tourism numbers could drop and creatures from around the world, albeit inferior ones, will think that I am not doing my job in taking care of the country and I certainly don't want to be seen as a lousy leader who doesn't give a shit about her country. Because of this, I have decided that a very stiff fine shall be necessary.

For the damage you are doing to the atmosphere, I am fining you 250,000 bits. Since you are a business owner now I am certain you can afford it. Also, there are many reports of the products produced at that factory winding up in landfills and that too is unacceptable. It is unacceptable because outside of my sister, a very special pony destined for Alicornhood and myself, those things will take longer to biodegrade than most ponies will live. Because of that, I am fining you an additional 250,000 bits. Third, I am fining you 1,000 bits because of me being inconvenienced by having to send you this letter and last but not least, 55 cents for the cost of the postage. Now pay up in 72 hours or I will seize that precious factory of yours.

On a final note, I am demanding that you shut that thing down until you can cut your carbon emissions by 95%. Failure to do so will result in your factory being permanently shut down. Now get your flank out and start making ponies happy the old fashioned way rather than ruining our environment and ripping ponies off with overpriced junk that winds up in landfills. Now you have a pleasant day, ok?

Protecting Equestria's Environment,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Seriously, you are fining me over 500,000 bits over all of this? I have always heard what a greedy bitch you are but the part of me that believes that all ponies have good in them refused to believe it. I know now that you truly are the greediest pony in all of Equestria. Ok, I get it that you want to make sure that factories are not polluting our air but doing your best to put a pony out of business is not the way to go about it. You just need to lighten up and think of funny ways to punish these ponies rather than fining them into oblivion. You could simply send out ponies to throw banana peels in front of them so they would fall. Wouldn't that be more satisfying?

Thinking You Need to Lighten Up,

Cheese Sandwich

Dear Cheese Sandwich,

Fine then. You, that assistant of yours and all your employees can come up to Canterlot and pay me a visit. Once you get here, we can go to the courtyard under my balcony and you can take part in one of my favorite pastimes. Hell we can even invite the whole city and all of us can make the whole city laugh! I know you'd be certain to enjoy it!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Thank you so much for helping me realize what my true purpose in life is. Going out and making ponies laugh is much more satisfying and wonderful than simply producing items such as rubber chickens in a factory is. Speaking of the factory, Princess Celestia was initially going to fine me over the damage it did to the environment but has decided to let me off the hook but is now demanding I go up to Canterlot so I can take part in one of her favorite pastimes. I'm not sure what it is but it certainly couldn't be that bad could it?

Your Friend,

Cheese Sandwich

Dear Cheese Sandwich,

No, don't go up to Canterlot to take part in Celestia's favorite pastime. I know what it is. I know that she will either execute you because she loves public executions or flog you mercilessly because she finds such punishments funny. Just pay the fine, I'll even help you raise the funds because I don't want to see you suffer through what Princess Celestia finds funny. I don't know how we will raise all the funds to pay that fine but I'll do it because you're my friend.

Your Friend,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie,

So you are looking to get Cheese Sandwich out of having to come up and take part in my favorite pastime? Well too bad, I know you won't be able to afford to pay that fine and I am much too excited over the prospects of flogging some idiot in the town square under my balcony. Thanks to you though, that shall now be TWO idiots getting flogged. Now you and Cheese get your flanks up here ASAP or I will see to it that your parents lose their rock farm and turn Limestone and Marble loose on Fluttershy again, got it?

Ready to Torture You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Bitchlestia,

You know what, fine! I have known this for many years but this right here is proof that you are an even bigger bitch than Twilight ever was. I know you delighted in what my bitch sisters did to Fluttershy and will probably get a lot of joy in seeing it fine. Just spare Cheese, ok? You can flog me twice as much if you want but please don't hurt my friend like that!

Hoping You Won't Hurt Cheese,

Pinkie Pie

To the Irrational Mare Foal,

Fine Pinkie, I won't hurt your friend but your punishment is going to be severe, very severe. I will say this though, you better be glad Twilight doesn't find you attractive because if she did, I would extend your life and make you her sex slave for the next 3,000 years. Have fun getting flogged for hours on end Pinkie!

Ready to Flog You,

Princess Celestia

Special: Brokering a Deal

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am very unhappy right now with what you have allowed to happen to my dear friend Fluttershy. Not only was she sexually assaulted but now she has been condemned to a fate that I wouldn't even wish upon my own worst enemy. I find it appalling that she is going to become the property and sex slave of those four former students of yours, those ones you seem to think so highly of.

Right now, Fluttershy is terrified about the end of the series. She knows what will happen and she also knows that the big brass lied about what would happen if she suffered any psychological trauma. Now let me say this, you know my powers far surpass yours. You know that I could rip a hole in the very fabric of time and throw not only those mares you like so much but you as well into an alternate reality where there would be no escape. Hell I could do that to Goldner too and I am certain that everypony would be thanking me.

Now there is a way to get out of this. All you have to do is forbid Colgate and her degenerate friends from getting their hooves on Fluttershy and I won't cast the five of you into another dimension. If it will make things any better, I will even snap my claw and create a gold statue of not just you but of them as well to be placed in Canterlot. So Cakelestia, which will it be? Will it be you going to another dimension or will it be you remaining here?

Also, I am demanding that you force Twilight to free Dr. Fauna and Treehugger. My dear friend Fluttershy really misses them and I think that it would make all of you look much better if they were released. Yes Treehugger is a junkie but that is nothing compared to what the likes of Colgate has done and she is roaming free. If they aren't freed, I'll cast a spell on Twilight that will not only make her an earth pony but will cause her to worship Nightmare Moon. So do we have a deal?

Ready to Protect Fluttershy,

Discord

Dear Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,

Ladies, I hate to tell you this but you can't have Fluttershy after the series is over after all. You see, Discord is threatening to rip the very fabric of reality and throw all five of us into another dimension. Before you ask, he can actually do it. He nearly did that to that junkie that Twilight has locked up at the gala a few years back....what a shame he didn't actually do it. Now I know you four are likely very upset but hey, you'll still be getting Fleur de Lis so it won't be a total loss.

Besides, even if she didn't have Discord as a friend, Flutters would still probably bitch, whine and complain about not having her animals nearby, she would complain about losing that damn animal sanctuary and I doubt you'd want to have to put up with that. Tell you what, since you're so big into pegasi for some weird reason, I will hunt down Angel Wings and bring her to you. I would give you Flitter as a gift but the Ponyville weather team kind of needs her.

Again I am sorry but I really don't want Discord throwing us all into another dimension.

Apologetic,

Princess Celestia

Princess Celestia,

What? You mean to tell us that Discord, The Lord of Chaos, is making threats to make sure that we don't punish his little friend in the way that she deserves? You know what, fuck that shit! Ok, we can accept that we won't get her as a domestic slave but like wolves in the night, we shall seek out our prey. We will strike when she is least expecting, we will strike when Discord is asleep in his own realm. She won't be our property but we'll still make sure we get action from her whether she wants to put out or not. Now keep that in mind, Flutters will always be on our list of prey.

We do however still demand everything else you promised us unless you want us making it public that not only is Starlight your daughter but that you bucked a commoner after drinking in Sire's Hollow, alright?

Upset We Won't Get Fluttershy,

Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Dear Twilight,

Well Twilight, I am afraid that your days of torturing that junkie and that slutty vet are over. Discord is not a happy camper and not only is he not going to allow me to force Fluttershy to marry your old friends but he is also demanding that you release that vet and that junkie or he will cast a spell to turn you into an earth pony. Now before you go claiming that he can't do that, I am pretty sure he can....oh wait, he already did it in season two and I know he won't have any problems doing it again. While I hate to admit it, his magic does surpass that of everypony, even that of mine and that of Starlight so you better do it.

Don't worry though, you can still go and abduct random ponies and torture them to your heart's content. I won't stop you from that but just leave those close to Fluttershy alone. I don't feel like getting a message from Starlight saying that he turned you into an earth pony....that would really suck now, wouldn't it?

Not Happy,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the fuck? I have to release that junkie and that vet or Discord will turn me into a fucking earth pony again? Now I call bullshit on that because nopony could ever turn me, an incredibly powerful Alicorn, into a lesser race of pony. However, I do have a feeling that Discord will likely do something bad to either you or my sexy friends up there in Canterlot or Faust forbid he do something bad to my oh-so sexy sister in law, such as cast a spell on her to make her find me unattractive.

Fine, I will release those two bitches but don't be surprised when I'm in full blown bitch mode because I will be without the two I love to torture most. Tell you what, maybe I should stop bitching to you since this isn't totally your fault. I do however, have someone else in mind I can make miserable.

Very Upset,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Discord,

Ok, I got Twilight's old friends to realize that they won't be getting Fluttershy but if you could go and find this hot little pegasus named Angel Wings that Twilight once wanted it would be much appreciated. You see, they have this thing for sexy pegasi and will be happy if they can have her. Also, while she is in a terrible mood right now, Twilight did agree to releasing that worthless junkie and that slutty vet. I just hope the hell her bitching doesn't get too bad but one bit of good news, she is finally going to find somepony else to make miserable with her damn whining and complaining so I suppose I should thank you.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thank you for making sure that my dear friend Fluttershy will not fall victim to four incredibly horrible mares and that her friends will not remain locked up. Now I do hope that we can all get along much better, even though Twilight wouldn't let me be temporary headdraconeqqus back when I created all that chaos at her school. Don't worry, I won't be sending anypony to an alternate dimension.

Happy Fluttershy Escaped a Horrible Fate,

Discord

Dear Discord,

You know what, I am in an extremely bad mood right now. I wound up releasing that junkie and that fucking vet so you won't go causing any problems. I don't get you. I do not get why the hell you care so much about that pathetic, vet screwing bitch who not only broke my heart but slandered so many ponies across Equestria. I know she was your first friend but that "friend" of yours is nothing more than a moral degenerate who will likely start screwing that vet again now that she is free....well that and getting high with that junkie.

Don't be surprised if your precious first friend winds up showing up with glazed over eyes and smelling worse than Applejack's hen house on a hundred degree day. Now I do have some good news, now you will be the one who receives all my bitchy letters and has to put up with my complaining since Celestia has finally proven to not be a total bitch although I still get pissed over her loving Starlight so much....and could you tell her that if Starlight is her daughter, to come take her off my hooves?

Upset With You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You are calling Fluttershy a moral degenerate when you and your Canterlot friends have sexually assaulted her and those friends of yours tried to kill her? So she controlled you and had fun on the side but at least she never broke any laws and got away with them. Look, Fluttershy gave me a chance when nopony else would. She gave me a second chance and knew there was good in me when nopony else would believe it. You could learn a lot from Fluttershy, she is the Element of Kindness after all and while you are the Element of Magic, your magic can't even top that of a regular unicorn from a small town in the middle of nowhere.

Now I must cut this short because I am throwing a tea party for Fluttershy and it must be perfect.

Sincerely,

Discord

Dear Discord,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you so much for freeing me from what would be an incredibly horrible fate. There is something I would like to know though. Why the hell weren't you there to stop the Pie Sisters from sexually assaulting me, why weren't you there to stop Twilight's bitch friends from nearly killing me and why didn't you come and cast a spell to heal me? I know we are friends but I can't help but wonder if the big brass put you up to this since they could erase you with no problems. Anyway, thanks for saving me from Colgate and her sex crazed friends. Now you better throw me a perfect tea party with lots of chaos, ok.

Your First Friend,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

I am sorry I didn't come to save you during those times you brought up but I was in long meetings with the big brass about something very special, something that would make it impossible for Colgate and her friends to stalk you. They haven't agreed yet but hopefully they will green light it before too long.

Sincerely,

Discord

2,4,6 Greaaat

Dear Rainbow Crash,

You know what? You are a bitch, a complete and absolute bitch. Until Smolder finally got you to see the light, you didn't give a shit about the cheer squad or us. You can claim to be the Element of Loyalty but you sure the hell weren't showing any loyalty to this school, to the buckball team or the cheer squad that would motivate them. We get it, you're all pissy because the best buckball team in Equestria were the coaches instead of you. Luckily though in the end you decided to stop being a bitch and actually care about us. Smolder thinks you are being insincere and Yona will still only nominate Professor Rockhoof for teacher of the month but we suppose we should say thanks.

Sincerely,

The School of Friendship's Cheer Squad

To the School of Friendship's Cheer Squad,

Look, cheer leading is boring and I will admit, I was upset that I wasn't the buckball coach. I'm sorry I was such an uncaring bitch clear up until the end but hey, at least the crowd liked your performance, right?

Your Coach,

Professor Rainbow Dash

Princess Bitchlestia,

I saw what the hell happened during that buckball game. It is bad enough that all your players were unicorns but you gave one of them wings just so they could play? Don't think I didn't see that unicorn with the wings use magic to stop the ball on multiple occasions. How the hell you got away with this I don't know but I am planning on challenging the outcome of this game. You have to have one earth pony, one pegasus and one unicorn, not three unicorns. Just like you are a greedy bitch, you are a cheating bitch too. It is no wonder Twilight bitched about you all the time. Hell you probably doctored her grades solely so you'd have an excuse to get rid of her. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if had you not been her teacher, that Twilight would have failed and been kicked out of your school. Mark my words, I will go to the press over this and everypony will believe me.

Mad as Hell,

Fluttershy

Fluttershy,

Oh really? You think you can challenge the result? Look, the rule book doesn't say a thing about a unicorn that identifies as an earth pony playing offense nor does it forbid a unicorn with fake wings playing defense. Yes you are a buckball all-star but remember, I am the primary princess in Equestria and I can bend the rules all I want. Now if you don't stop bitching like Twilight used to, I will disband that buckball team down there and go kill every animal in that damn sanctuary of yours....well that and offer Discord a share in power in exchange for giving you to Colgate when all is said and done and I know you certainly don't want that now, DO YOU?

Bending the Rules,

Princess Celestia

Dear Lighthoof and Shimmy Shake,

I must say that despite you having a shitty coach, you and your fellow cheerleaders did a good job BUT not a good enough job to motivate our team to win. Now normally such a thing would result in you being punished in my dungeon but you two are incredibly hot and I see those seductive looks you always give me. I know deep down you want me to control and dominate you so I am taking away your dorm rooms and forcing you to move in with me.

You see, Trixie has forbidden Starlight from engaging in sexy times with me so you shall replace her. You will sleep with me every single night and you will allow me to give you horn sex on demand whether you want to put out or not. Also, you will suck on my horn on demand. I can not allow sexy little things such as you to go unpunished for not motivating the team enough to win. Upon receipt of this letter, you shall vacate your dorms and move in with me. Now don't worry about what your parents will think, they think I'm awesome and will be totally ok with it. Oh and a couple more things, keep the valley girl accents, I think they are hot and they really turn me on. Second, you will wear those cheer leading outfits ALL THE TIME. I am not about to allow my new little hotties to dress in a way that doesn't turn me on 100%. Now get your flanks over here, ASAP. The time for your initiation ceremonies has arrived!

Ready to Make You Mine,

Your Owner, Head Mistress Twilight

Dear Head Mistress Twilight,

Really, we get to move in with you! We are like, so happy! You have no idea how often we totally hoof ourselves to you, fantasizing that you are like, giving us horn sex and dominating us in any way you can. You can act like you are like, forcing us to move in with you and act like we don't want to but guess what, we do.

Anything for you Head Mistress Twilight, we will do it for you. We are like, your property now. Now please don't abandon us or not hold us close when we're in your castle because we'll like, get separation anxiety if you aren't controlling us alright? We will see you soon.

Your New Property and Totally Willing Sex Slaves,

Lighthoof (you can call me Lustful Lighty if you want) &
Shimmy Shake (you can call me Sexy Shimmy if you want)

Lustful Lighty and Sexy Shimmy,

Sweet! I know you girls and I are going to get along just fine. Now get to my palace immediately or your initiation ceremonies will be rough!

Your Head Mistress,

Twilight

A Trivial Pursuit

Dear Princess Celestia,

You know what? I am pissed, very pissed. I had a chance to win three consecutive trivial trots or whatever the fuck they call it but since the teams are randomly chosen, I wound up getting stuck with the absolute worst team mate ever, Pinkie Pie. Yep, I got stuck with Pinkie and her immature personality and completely clueless flank. I knew from the moment that we were chosen as a team that my chances of three-peating were next to none.

No matter what I tried, which included keeping the bell away from her, she just had to ruin things for me. She broke rules and even got our score into the negative for a bit until I was able to take more control of the situation. Even then though, things still didn't go so well because I was always afraid that she would do something to fuck up and I lost my concentration. Eventually she got disqualified but then Sunburst became my team mate and I was even madder at him.

Get this, the sorry bastard then took the bell away from me because he thought I was frazzled. The nerve of that little bastard. Just because my mane and tail got messy is no sign that I was not prepared. Now I know why Starlight wouldn't want anything to do with him besides just her being a lesbian, he is a know it all asshole who thinks he has to be in charge. I am thinking that perhaps there needs to be a rule that only Ponyville residents should be allowed to take part in this. I also think that ponies that fall below a certain level of maturity need to be kept out of this as well.

Now in the end I welcomed Pinkie back and we had to start over from zero so we lost but I suppose you could say I learned a friendship lesson, "Don't shit on your friends or it will come back to bite you in the ass." Whatever though, after the competition Sunburst didn't smell quite right so I searched him and he had drugs on him. Now what I did after that made Starlight and Trixie both very happy, I took him down to my dungeon and tortured him. Hell Starlight and Trixie joined me and we had a ton of fun and after that, I left him strapped in a chair down there and Starlight, Trixie and I went to my sleeping chambers and had a whole lot more fun.

So if you wind up hearing from Cadence bitching about her crystaller going missing, just know he is being tortured by very capable hooves!

Torturing Sunburst Like a Boss,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Holy shit Twilight, I haven't received a letter like this from you in ages! I must say, I am impressed that you can see Pinkie's flaws for what they are and are realizing again that she is an immature moron. I am not pleased though that not only did you basically forfeit that game but that you would give an idiot like her a second chance. I know some of what happened and I think anypony would have made a better replacement than taking that little failure back. Now why the hell would yo do that? You start being rational for the first time in years and then suddenly you start to feel bad for an idiot and apologize like a total loser....and then you proceed to lose the game and not three-peat.

You know something, Starlight told me about how bad you got with this and I am going to say this, "You, Twilight Sparkle, are an arrogant, overly competitive bitch." You have constantly bitched about Crash and her overly competitive nature and her desire to win all the time since you first met her but now here you go and pull a Crash? That is pretty pathetic, you Crash and Twilight in the same day? I am sure of one thing though, my dau....I mean Starlight would never have freaked out over a competition like this. Then again though, she doesn't think she has to win at every single thing involving academics either. As long as she can beat you in a magic competition, which is always, she is content and happy.

I am however happy that you searched Sunburst and finally discovered drugs on him. I am also glad that you, Starlight and Trixie tortured him. I always wondered for so long why the hell you didn't search him. I thought maybe you had a horrible flaw in you that would have warranted me de-winging you, stripping you of your title, removing the longevity spell from you and giving everything to Starlight. I guess you are worth keeping as a princess after all.

Oh and one other thing, you are so adorable and precious when you freak out. From what I understand, your mane and tail got just as bad as it did when you freaked out over the friendship letter. It is a good thing that Starlight and Trixie were having fun in her trailer when that happened because had they seen you in that horrid state, they likely never would have put out for you again. In the future Twilight, when something like this comes along, just take the Snails approach and don't think about it, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Twilight,

You know what, you are a complete bitch. I thought that we would have fun as a team but all you cared about was winning. I don't care that you took me back in the end and pretended to have fun because I know deep down you were mad as hell. You always bitch about Dashie wanting to win all the time but because it was something academic, you just had to win didn't you? With conceited, self-entitled arrogant bitches like you as a friend, who the hell needs enemies? I'm done playing this trivia game Twilight. Next time around you won't have to worry about me ruining your precious chances of winning, ok?

Upset,

Pinkie Pie

Dear Screw Up,

You know what, I could have been the first pony to three-peat but thanks to your stupidity and immaturity, that did not happen. You have no idea how badly I want to haul you down to my dungeon and torture you for this. You better be glad Sunburst had drugs on him or I would have hauled you down there. Now I am happy that you won't be trying to play this again because I can't afford to have a loser like you on my side if I want to get back to my winning ways.

Always Smarter than You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

I want to know something, I want to know if you know what happened to Sunburst. He went down to Ponyville to take part in a trivial trot or something like that and now he is nowhere to be found. I have put up fliers all over Equestria but nothing. If you see him, I would very much appreciate you let him know that a mare is nearing term up here and we need him up here for when the foal is born.

Thanks,

Princess Cadence

Dear Bootie Call,

You write me over something menial like that? I do need to let you know something though, plastering fliers like that all over Equestria is highly illegal and is punishable by either 10 years on the moon or a whole month of me and my Canterlot friends being extra rough with you. I have decided that yours shall be the latter. Now don't worry, I took down all those lost dog fliers you put up and took them to the recycling center. Now regarding Sunbust or whatever the fuck his name is, I haven't seen him. Now get your ass down here or my friends and I will turn you into our permanent sex slave, GOT IT?

Ready to Punish You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Hi Girls,

I just thought you should know that I am going to be bringing up a very sexy present for all of us to punish for a whole month! You see, my bootie call Cadence has been a bad girl and has plastered lost dog fliers all over Equestria. Now there is something I want all of you to do. Minuette and Twinkleshine, I know you two have those horn enhancement spells and I want you to cast it not just on yourselves, but also Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and myself when I bring my bootie call up there. After all, our horns aren't big enough to inflict massive amounts of pain on her. I look forward to seeing you soon and don't worry, I have a horn cap to put on Cadence so she won't cause us any problems. See you soon!

Ready for Us to Punish Cadence,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Sweet! We have always wanted to punish her in that way and now our dream can come true! Don't worry, we'll cast those spells on our horns now so we can haul her ass into your old study tower the second you bring her here. We have seen those lost dog fliers up here and good grief that thing is ugly! I think it said the dog went by the name of Sunbust, Sunblast or something like that. Well we haven't seen it and given how ugly it is, if we see it we will just put it out of its misery. Now you better bring Cadence up here ASAP or she won't be the only one we punish!

See You Soon,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

The Summer Sun Setback

Dear Princess Twilight,

My sister and I want you to know that despite your freak-out during that trivia game last week, we still decided to trust you enough to put together the final Summer Sun Celebration and shockingly, you managed to get it done without freaking out despite the problems we had. Perhaps you are fit to rule after all BUT my number one priority still lies in making sure that Starlight's destiny which includes ascension, the destiny of my favorite, is fulfilled. I kind of have an idea of how both you and Starlight can be elevated to what you want without pissing either one of you off. Good job though on changing the purpose of the holiday to something much better, glorifying my sister and I as we deserve. I do think one more pony should be given her own special holiday to glorify her....and I know the perfect day for it.

Glad You Finally Did Something Right After Nearly Nine Years,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the hell. You give me a brief acknowledgment about getting things done right but then it is right on to your precious Starlight. Good grief, you talk about me maybe being fit to rule but there is something I would love to know, what the hell is Starlight's "destiny?" Whatever it is I am quite certain that it will involve trolling me in one way or another. What have you done, set it up to where she will overthrow a foreign government and become their Empress or something? Tell you what, how about you dissolve Cadence and Shining Armor's marriage, force Cadence to move in with me and be my sex slave, force Shining Armor back into the guard, give Flurry a good home somewhere that she won't get in the way and let Starlight take that place over. That way your precious Starlight can rule somewhere and I can still rule Equestria just like I have always supposed to have. There, that way we all win. I win, Starlight wins, you win, everypony wins. Sounds like a good idea, huh?

Destined to Rule Equestria,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am really getting pissed. I have not had many major roles this season and here I thought the big brass was really going to let me shine. Hell, Cozy Glow, Tirek and Chrysalis have got more in the way of big roles than me. What the hell are those writers thinking giving three of the most unsavory individuals in Equestria more airtime than me? Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if Goldner isn't lying and he won't let you ascend me. Knowing him, he will likely give his precious Twilight and her friends one final hero moment all while leaving me in the shadows. I certainly hope not because I deserve better than this for everything I've done for Twilight.

Upset,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

I am just as pissed as you are right now. You have done so much for everypony yet they are focusing so much more on three horrible villains and Twilight's OCD. Now I do have plans in the event Goldner lied about me being able to ascend you, plans that will give you what I believe you deserve. Don't worry Starlight, I will make sure you are ascended no matter what, I will make sure you meet your mother, I will see to it you and Trixie can get married AND I am also thinking of something else, something that I shall not reveal at this time. I am happy to see you finally bitching about this though, I was kind of worried that you had too much of your father in you and not enough of your mother in you.

Making Plans,

Princess Celestia

To My Subordinates,

I am going to let you know this right now. I don't trust any of you one bit. Chrysalis, I know you are always coming up with some sort of scheme to try and take Equestria for yourself. Tirek, I know you are probably in the same mindset. You may think you can go steal all the magic from those puny ponies and become a huge demon but even then my powers will still far surpass yours so watch your step. Cozy Glow, I trust you the least. Yes you are a lousy pegasus filly with no magical powers at all but I do know you are a master manipulator and for all I know you may be slowly but surely weakening those two screw ups that have failed so much and convincing them to accept you as their leader.

However, I have located an object of significant importance and since you three are too stupid to go and retrieve it yourselves, I shall go and get it myself. Now while I am gone, do not do anything that would result in me having to cast you back into the hell you came from and Tirek, please keep that bratty foal from eating my cup cakes. If she eats even one more, I will be having centaur steak for supper and a filly fillet for dessert....and hell, I may as well have a pitcher of changeling blood to go with it. Watch it you three, I've got my eye on you.

Keeping an Eye on You,

Lord Grogar

To The Almighty and Infinitely Powerful Grogar,

Golly geez aren't you being a grumpy old goat today? I know you don't trust us but come on, you honestly think that any of us are making plans to take Equestria for ourselves? We know that your powers far surpasses ours and we would never do anything to stab you in the back or disobey you, honest!

Now that isn't very nice of you wanting to kill us and eat us. I know we aren't supposed to follow anything in Twilight's stupid book but killing and eating us isn't what we are supposed to do if we are to defeat Twilight and her stupid lackeys. You put so much emphasis on us working together but if you kill and eat us we can't do that. Remember Mr. Grogar, you need us!

Signed,

The Most Adorable Villain Ever, Cozy Glow

She Talks to Angel

Dear Fluttershy,

I am glad to see that things between you and Angel are fine now. I was honestly worried that your friendship would take a bow. Now I do have some advice, make some time for him every now and then or your friendship will be a has been.

Zecora

Dear Zecora,

Well after that crazy potion you had us drink, we understand one another now and everything seems to be fine.

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

What in the hell happened with you for a while? You weren't being yourself at all and it seemed like you didn't even care that the baby elephant had been eaten by the snake. I also think you need to get tough with the predators because I would hate to see some of the animals get eaten.

Sincerely,

Dr. Fauna

P.S. You haven't put out since before Celestia healed you and I am wondering if you'd be up for a night of fun with me. I really miss the sexy times we used to have.

Dr. Fauna,

It is something you wouldn't understand. Zecora mixed up a potion so that Angel and I would understand one another. Also, no I will not put out for you anymore. I only see you as a friend, ok?

Fluttershy

Dragon Dropped

Dear Rarity,

I can't believe this. I spent so much time with you over the past nine years and you always seemed to take advantage of me. And suddenly I have another friend to spend time with and you get jealous? Come on, you treated me like I was a cute child and an errand boy for so long and all of a sudden it seems like you want me in the way I wanted you for so long. Look, I don't see you that way anymore. That crush is a thing of the past. I finally realized I would never have you as a marefriend so I expanded my social circle. Yes I will still spend time with you but you're not my only friend so you will have to share me.

No Longer Crushing on You,

Spike

Spikey-Wikey,

I'm sorry alright. It was just that I had grown so accustomed to having you help me that when you were gone I suddenly realized how much I had taken advantage of you. When you were gone, I finally realized that you were so much more than a cute child and an errand boy. All I can say is I'm sorry and ask you to please give us a chance. I know I can't make up for how I took advantage of you all the time in the past but I do hope that we can have a future together. I'll admit it Spike, I do love you and I do hope that I can be your marefriend.

Love,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

I'm sorry but that ship set sail, hit an iceberg and sunk. I no longer see you that way. I only see you as a friend now. I do hope you understand.

Your Friend,

Spike

Dear Twilight,

Something is horribly wrong! You know how Spike declined an invitation to join me at the gem cave and has been spending so much time with that annoying griffon? Well as it turns out he has a new friend and I have to share him, I have to share my Spikey-Wikey with an overly hyper griffon! THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING! Could you please talk to him and get him to spend a lot more time with me than he does that Grabby or whatever that little seductress's name is? I love Spike and I don't want some little mail delivering bitch stealing him away from me!

I even asked him if I could be his marefriend and he said no, he said no! What do I do to set things right? How do I get him to love me like he once did and become my dragonfriend?

Hoping You'll Talk to Spike,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

What the fuck? You are bitching because Spike sought to expand his social circle? Let me tell you this right now you jealous little bitch, Spike has adored you for years! You have no idea how much I have tried to tell him he'd never have a chance with you and he would never listen. Now all of a sudden he finally sees you as just a friend you are all pissy?

Look Rarity, had you simply accepted the fact that he loved you and gave him a chance years ago, this would not have happened. I know what your real thing is though, you miss having him being your errand boy and catering to your every want and need. Well Spike isn't like that anymore. Spike has grown a lot and has finally realized that you were doing nothing more than taking advantage of him. I know you are wanting a special somepony so how about this, you can be my marefriend. In fact, I am issuing an executive order that not only you stop harassing Spike but that you be my marefriend. Maybe if you get some Sparkle forced into your life a couple times a week, your diamond covered ass will calm down.

Finally Ready to Initiate You as a Friend,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. If you refuse my generous offer of being my marefriend, your initiation ceremony will be painful as hell, got it?

Dear Twilight,

Fine, I'll become your bootie-call just like Cadence but don't go thinking I will ever love you. I know you're only doing this to punish me for making your assistant's life miserable and please don't be too rough with me.

Not Loving You,

Rarity

Dear Rarity,

You know what? You are nothing more than a jealous bitch who only conned Spike to do things with you because you were afraid of losing your errand boy. Spike and I have talked and he told me about how he feels that you have taken advantage of him for years. He told me that you knew about the crush and that he would do anything to win your love, until recently. He finally opened his eyes and realized that he would never have a chance with you so he said that he won't let you manipulate him into doing anything you want him to anymore and no amount of bedroom eyes will work anymore. Just face it you manipulative bitch, you'll have to share Spike from now on.

Spike's New and Better Friend,

Gabby

Gabby,

You listen to me you little seductress, you may be friends with Spike now but he will always see me as a better friend. He may say that he won't bend for me anymore and he may have rejected my offer to be his marefriend but he will come around. I will see to it that I am the only one suited to love him and that you are just an overly hyper mental defect and that I am a sophisticated pony with a level head on her shoulders. Mark my words Gabby, my little Spikey-Wikey will be mine in the end and you go home and cry to that grumpy grandpa griffon and I'll laugh when he doesn't give a shit!

Spike's Future Marefriend,

Rarity

Dear Twilight,

I think you are going to be very proud of me. Rarity asked me to join her out at the gem cave but I declined because I had plans with my new friend Gabby. I also realized that I should not allow her to manipulate me anymore and I am not going to do so. Rarity is going to have to come to terms with me having more than her as a friend. Even better, she asked me if she could be my marefriend and I told her no! You have no idea how liberated I feel. I have finally realized I don't need to enslave myself to her anymore because I no longer love her and I certainly don't want to get in her coat anymore.

Feeling Liberated,

Spike

Dear Spike,

You bet I'm proud of you. For nine years it bothered me that all you thought about was Rarity. All you thought about was hooking up with her, getting in her coat and marrying her. I am so happy to see that you have gotten over your crush on her and have expanded your social circle. I'm going to admit, I don't know Gabby very well but if she is as friendly as Gallus tells me she is, if you and her ever decided to pursue anything beyond friendship, I'd be behind you 100%.

Now I know about Rarity wanting to be your marefriend and her professing her love for you and I am thrilled you shot her down. Want to know what is even better? I issued an executive order forcing her to be my marefriend and that she put out for me just like Cadence. I may not love her but I do think you should leave the castle when I have her over for her initiation ceremony. It is going to be rough and I don't want you hearing her cries of pain while I punish her for all the trouble she has caused both of us ever since we moved here.

Happy for You,

Twilight

P.S. You know how I know Rarity's gem finding spell? How about we go out into the badlands and I can find you a ton of gems to celebrate. Don't worry about the diamond dogs, I can blast them with magic to keep them at bay. Hell you can even bring Gabby if you'd like. Activities are always so much more fun when you have close friends with you anyway.

Dear Princess Celestia,

You are not going to believe this but you know how Spike has wanted to get in Rarity's coat since the day you banished us to this third-world dump? Well after nine years he finally got it through his thick skull that he would never score with her so he at long last told her no. She wanted him to go out to the gem cave with her and he said no. You have no idea how proud I am of him. I feel like he has finally grown up and get this, Rarity asked him to be her dragonfriend and he declined! Now Rarity is all pissed that not only will she never get in his scales but that she has to share his friendship with this griffon, Gabby.

Now for what will make you proud. Rarity was bitching about how she will never get Spike so I issued an executive order making her my marefriend and that she put out whenever I wanted! Her initiation ceremony is going to be very soon and to punish her for all the problems she has caused over the past nine years, I am going to be rough with her, extremely rough! Hell I might even see if Colgate will cast that horn enhancement spell on me and increase the size of her hole big time!

Proud of Spike,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You're shitting me. You mean to tell me that Spike finally realized that he would never score with Rarity and that she has been using him for the past nine years? All I can say is good for him. I am glad to see that your slave has realized that no matter how many things he does for her, she would never love him. Now I do hope that you will reward him in one way or another for coming to this conclusion and growing up. I'm thinking maybe you should take him out to find some gems since you know the diva's gem finding spell.

Now I am even more impressed with what you are going to do with Rarity. First you force Fluttershy into your bed and now Rarity? This is the Twilight Sparkle I raised! Not only are you making the lives of a couple of your friends miserable but you are getting something in return! Now I'm sorry Discord is protecting Fluttershy from you and your friends BUT I would suggest you turn Rarity into your sex slave and if you don't want her on a regular basis, I know your friends up here would gladly take her. Just put a bow in her mane and they'll want to make her their wife and domestic slave in nothing flat! Just issue an executive order making her their property when the series is over. That will teach her a lesson for causing us all so many problems for so long!

Happy for Spike,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Forcing Rarity to marry my old friends sounds like a good idea! Hey as long as I get her first I will be fine. I know that they are going to be so happy, especially since she can give them what they will be giving her. Besides, with as much of a diva as Rarity is, I think she would have it coming going from owning a fashion empire to being reduced to being the sex slave and housekeeper of my old friends. Hell, maybe I should reunite them with Lyra and issue the same order for her too.

Ready to Make Rarity Colgate's Property,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Regarding Lyra, DO IT! I am glad you mentioned this because now we know we can finally punish her for running off the way she did. Now feel free to make Bon Bon a permanent resident down in your dungeon while you are at it. Oh this is going to be sweet, too sweet! Hell with the way you are thinking now, I can't help but wonder if maybe you aren't related to me.

Happy You are Going to Bring About Misery to Rarity and Lyra,

Princess Celestia

A Horse Shoe-In

To Big Mac, Octavia, Time Turner and Spoiled Rich,

Thank you for applying for the position of head mare but I am afraid that you simply don't have what it takes to help me run the school. I do hope you understand.

Future Head Mare,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. Time Turner, look I along with Starswirl the Bearded are the only ones who understand time travel. Simply sitting in a chair and waiting for a few seconds to pass does not constitute time travel. Time travel requires magic and I could travel back to the days of Ponyland and depose Queen Majesty in Dream Valley if I wanted.....oops, forget I said that, alright.

Dear Starlight,

Well ok but your students will never understand that life is a symphony. -- Octavia

Eeyep. -- Big Mac

Well then, I suppose your school will go bankrupt without my fund raising specialties. -- Spoiled Rich

Wait a minute, YOU'RE the one that nearly destroyed the time continuum multiple times over with that spell and Twilight is putting you in charge? Well I suppose working with you isn't the best idea. To be honest, I'm surprised you didn't wind up in Tartarus for your crimes! -- Time Turner (aka Dr. Whooves)

Dear Starlight,

Trixie knows that she's not fit to be the vice-head mare but The Great and Powerful Trixie accepts the position of guidance counselor. Trixie knows that she gave you the advice to bring in Sunburst as the vice head mare but if you ever want there to be a chance of us getting married, you will not grow too close to him.

Your Future Guidance Counselor,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Trixie,

I'm glad you gave me the advice you did because now I'll be able to run the school with two of my friends! I'll get to run it with my bestie/soon to be wife along with my foalhood friend. I think things will be just fine. And don't worry about me growing close to Sunburst, you know I love you with all my heart and the very thoughts of a relationship with Sunburst is sickening.

Your Future Boss and Wife,

Starlight Glimmer

Starlight Glimmer,

First I would like to congratulate you on cementing your role as head mare of the friendship school once Twilight is allowed to come home and become her friends' permanent sex slave, I mean ruler of Equestria. I know you are nervous about all this but don't worry, I know you'll do fine. I am also glad to see that your sweetie will wind up being the guidance counselor. Given how she stood up for Gallus during that meeting with Grandpa Gruff, I know she is perfect for the job.

I however, am not thrilled with your choice for vice head mare. I would love to know why you would hire somepony you can barely tolerate for the job. I know Trixie suggested him but still, that is one bit of bad advice she has give you. I do have my concerns about Sunbust or whatever the fuck his name is. I know how his type are. An ugly as fuck stallion who can't get a mare to save his soul being put in this situation is bad, very bad. I have my concerns that he may molest some of the female students.....well if he even gives one of them a seductive smile, we can just throw him in Tartarus, right?

Wait a minute, I just realized something. The title of the position is head mare! Now that means for him to take the position, he will have to get a sex change operation. We certainly can't have a male holding that position now can we? Maybe this won't be so bad after all. I swear, having a surgeon lop his dick off is going to be hilarious! Also, we'll have to rip that ugly facial hair off of him too, no mare should ever have something that disgusting on her!

Now good luck in your preparations for taking that place over. I know once you're running the show, it will be a much better place.

Ready to See You Take Over,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thanks. I will admit I am very nervous about this but with Trixie by my side, I know everything will be fine. Regarding giving Sunbust or whatever a sex change operation, I think that is a spectacular idea. If we can turn him into a mare, maybe he won't be quite as much of an undesirable. Now yeah, Trixie is my true love and I want to be with her forever but with him/her, once we get the sex change operation done I think things will work out a lot better around here.

And yes you are right about him and the students. I certainly don't want to see him molesting any of the female students since he is too pathetic to get any mares to like him. Even after the operation, if he flirts with any of the students, male or female, I say we throw him in Tartarus anyway. He could always have Cozy Glow's old cage. The world would be far better with him locked up anyway.

Now I am elated that even though Twilight will be the ruler of Equestria, that she will still be her old friends' sex slave. I know how those four get when they don't get their Twily and I certainly don't want them being rough with me or Trixie.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

Could I be the vice-vice head mare? I have a feeling you will need someplant waiting in the wings in the event Sunburst was to die in his sleep or someone was to poison him *wink!*

Sincerely,

Phyllis

Phyllis,

Of course you can be vice-vice head mare! I only hired Sunburst so that he will be forced to get a sex change operation or perhaps toss what would then be her into Tartarus if she engaged in any misconduct with the students, or anypony else for that matter. Besides, you'll be far better company anyway.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Twilight,

Once again I am questioning whether or not you are truly ready to take over. You were late for important training sessions TWICE. You know how much I hate tardiness don't you? Hell maybe I should strip you of your wings, your title, your school and your castle and give them to my daugh.... I mean Starlight. To top that off, maybe I should put you back in magic kindergarten while I'm at it. If you are late even one more time, I will do just that! So from this point forward be on time, alright.

Hating Tardiness,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Seriously, I am five minutes late for a couple of events and you want to give everything to your precious Starlight? You know what, why don't you just take your precious "daughter" up there with you and ascend her into a goddess of some sort or whatever grandiose plans I know you have for her. Just take her up there, give her her birthright authority or whatever and just let me continue to run my school. Besides, if I have all those responsibilities of being you, how the hell am I supposed to horn rape Rarity on a regular basis?

Knowing Starlight is Likely Your Daughter,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

I am so glad that you gave me the job of vice head mare! Now we can hang out more and play plenty of Dragon Pit! I look forward to us growing close again like we were when we were foals.

Sincerely,

Sunburst

Sunbust or whatever your name is,

Look, I am a busy mare and I am not going to have time to spend with you. Being the head mare comes with a lot of responsibilities and you know Trixie and I do have our time together. Also, I do have to make time for Trixie and I to go visit Twilight's Canterlot friends because we do have regularly scheduled orgies, orgies that I do not want to miss! I will tolerate your presence but nothing more.

Merely Tolerating You,

Future Head Mare Starlight Glimmer

P.S. If you want somepony to spend time with so bad why don't you go after that guard Twilight hates so much? From what I understand he does like you. I know if you give him a chance you two will bond in ways that most stallions don't.

Dear Starlight,

For the last time, I am not a damn colt-cuddler!

Sincerely,

Sunburst

Special: A Letter from Mom

To my daughter,

I would like to start out by apologizing for not contacting you until now. I know it was wrong of me to simply pawn you off on your father the way I did. I know about your past and I can't help but blame myself for all the turbulence you have gone through, the mark theft in particular along with nearly destroying Equestria multiple times as well. I do hope that the two of us can grow close and develop the mother/daughter relationship we should have always had.

I am so happy that you have been designated as the head mare of the school of friendship once Twilight is ascended to being the ruler of Equestria but I do want to let you know something. I have a feeling that your tenure there may be short because as you know, Princess Celestia and I are very close. She has been talking about plans she has for you, plans that will make you much, much more than a mere schoolmaster.

What these plans are even I'm not fully aware of but I will tell you this, they will cause you to be universally loved by everypony in Equestria and allow you to spend a whole lot more time with me. Now don't worry, her plans do include you being able to marry your sweetie so everything will be fine and hey, I'm sure this Phyllis pony that you have put in line for the position will be fine.

I also understand that you hired somepony named Sunbust or whatever and that he will have to get a sex change operation and I am elated. I am so glad to hear that because from what I understand, he has a thing for you even though he knows you are a lesbian, have a sweetie and take part in orgies with Twilight's old friends on a regular basis. Now I do have some advice, make sure the surgeon does this to him while he is awake, it will make it all the better.

Love,

Mom

Mom,

Look, I have heard things about a scandal involving my birth and you having to have my dad raise me but I can't help but wonder why a scandal would erupt. Are you a world leader of some sort that could get overthrown if it were ever discovered you had a child with a common stallion here in Equestira? I suppose we can build a good mother/daughter relationship once we are finally reunited by Princess Celestia but it will be hard on me.

Now yeah, I am going to be the head mare but what kinds of plans does the princess have for me? Does it involve that ascension that she claims that the big brass has approved? I certainly hope so because I have done so much. I along with Trixie and a couple friends saved Equestria from Chrysalis, I got Stygian to realize that friendship is what he wants, not darkness, I told Twilight to tell the EEA to go to Tartarus, I care deeply about my students and I have "calmed Twilight down" more times than I can remember. All that has to count for something, right?

Oh and regarding Sunbust and me hiring him for the job of vice head mare. I only did that so he would be forced into a sex change operation. I don't like him at all and I figured that if we turned him into a she, he won't be so much of an undesirable and I would be able to tolerate what will ultimately be her.

Waiting Anxiously to Meet You,

Your Daughter....Starlight Glimmer

Daring Doubt

Dear Fluttershy,

Thank you for finally getting everypony to realize that I am simply trying to protect the jungle that I live in. For far too long both Daring Do and Dr. Caballeron have been taking artifacts and causing ecological damage here. I feel so relieved now that things have been hashed out between us all and hopefully I can live in peace, me and my beloved pets.

Sincerely,

Ahuizotl

P.S. Don't even think about taking any of my pets, or any other animals in the jungle, to that animal sanctuary you have. I heard about you trying to kidnap some baby dragons a while back and I will protect the animals here from you if I have to.

Dear Ahuizotl,

I had no plans on trying to take any of the animals of the jungle to my sanctuary. This is their natural habitat and I think they would be best kept there and I could never take any animals away from those who care for them and love them!

Sincerely,

Fluttershy

Dr. Caballeron,

First I want to know why the hell you would spill the beans that I am actually Daring Do? I know you get upset that I always wind up getting those artifacts away from you in the end but still, that is no reason for you to try and destroy my career. Even if I didn't write about my adventures anymore, I still would make sure you don't get your hooves on priceless relics and now that us and Ahuizotl are on good terms, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I suppose it is a good thing I don't go through money real quick.

Upset You Exposed Me,

A.K. Yearling

Dear A.K. Yearling,

Look, I was just so frustrated you always come out on top. I figured that if I destroyed your career, I could go and take anything I wanted. Now since Ahuizotl is on good terms with us all, I'm thinking that perhaps we should work together and try to secure priceless relics. There are plenty of other places in this world where there are relics that need securing. What do you say? Should we work together from now on and be co-authors?

Hoping We Can Work Together,

Dr. Caballeron

Dr. Caballeron,

Sure, we can work together. We can be co-authors and both make plenty of money.

A.K, Yearling

Dear A.K. Yearling,

Nooooo! Please don't stop writing! I don't care if you have to either work with Caballeron now or if your stories do have to be works of fiction! I can't survive without your stories! Please, please, please keep writing!

Hoping You Keep Writing,

Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Caballeron and I have come to an agreement that we will work together to secure relics now. Since we have agreed to let Ahuizotl live in peace and not disturb his jungle, we will be looking elsewhere for priceless relics but don't worry, I'll keep on writing and if you and your friend want to take part in our adventures, we can make that happen.

Keeping on Writing,

A.K. Yearling

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am very upset. I was excluded from an episode and things are nearly drawing to a close and I'm so close to being crowned queen, taking this place over and kicking you and your precious little "daughter" out. We really need to bitch to Goldner about me not getting airtime that is rightfully mine! After all, I'm pretty sure the fans would much rather see me than Crash, her crush and those suddenly reformed bad guys.

Upset I Was Excluded,

Soon to be Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

You want to know something? The more you bring up this queen shit and threaten to throw me out after taking over, the more I am considering either not retiring or simply putting Starlight on the throne because at least she hasn't been talking about taking over non-stop since day one nor has she threatened to toss me out of the country. That is another reason she is my favorite and you are not, she isn't a disloyal, power hungry backstabbing bitch like you are. If you keep this up, you will never rule this country, ever.

Contemplating Not Retiring,

Princess Celestia

Special: My Shy Has Given Birth!

Dear Pony Colgate,

I know you are always busy as hell but I thought you would be happy to know that my Shy has given birth to an adorable baby girl, a baby girl that somehow managed to have my eye color despite not having any of my genetics. Also, she has blue and white hair so she will look tough once she gets older and to top it off, she has blue skin too! I am so happy that she didn't get any of Fluttershy's features because pink hair and yellow skin would make her look weak, horribly weak.

Now my family and I are making plans to kill Fluttershy's family because they dropped by the hospital to visit her after the birth. Her mother and father are far too nice to ever allow to watch our precious Crest and her brother, I'm planning on contacting Mik because all he is going to do is be a drain on society and I sure the hell don't want my money going to pay for welfare for him.

Oh and another problem arose. You know that Sunset bitch? Well somehow she knew that Flutters had given birth and came to visit her. She even had the audacity to try and tell Fluttershy to take our baby and bolt in the middle of the night. She told her to go through the portal to Equestria and that I would never see either one of them again. Now naturally I ran Sunset off when I walked in on the conversation but now I am going to have to chain my Shy to the bed at night so she won't try any funny business.

Regarding Sunset, not too long before I wrote this letter I went out and beat the shit out of her for daring to corrupt my wife. I also warned her that I would report a crime involving her to our dictator friend if she doesn't stop this shit. If I did that, she would be promptly arrested and sent off to a labor camp for the rest of her miserable, pathetic life.

Now I do hope you are securing your world's Shy for after your series is over. It would really suck if somepony with a great amount of magical power was to be able to make sure she would be free of a fate that she deserves. Anyway, I need to cut this short because Fluttershy didn't cook the macaroni to the proper tenderness tonight and I must punish her severely. Hell, I'm thinking that maybe I should just cook it from now on since I'm the only one who can cook pasta properly.

Sincerely,

Human Colgate

Dear Human Colgate,

Now that is sweet how your daughter turned out. I think I know how it happened though. You see, when I heard you were marrying Shy I used my magic to create some semen and then took it to the human world. Chances are she was impregnated using the semen I donated so I might be the "father." If that is the case, I know she will turn out just fine and hopefully, a hell of a lot like me....a woman driven by greed, vengeance and a desire to kill people solely because she doesn't like them.

Now I have been extremely busy as of late but if you need me to come over and punish Fluttershy, I'll do it. Now I am in a bit of a pickle because this draconeqqus named Discord has threatened to throw not just me, but my friends and even Princess Celestia into another dimension if we didn't let Fluttershy remain free. While that is bad news, Princess Celestia has notified me that the four of us will have a very sexy present waiting for us after the end of the series AND it sounds like Twilight may be giving us this fashionista friend of hers named Rarity. Now while we were wanting a hot little pegasus with butterflies on her ass that we could horn rape on a daily basis, we can do that with both of the unicorns it sounds like we will get.

Regarding Sunset, tell Mik that you think she might be spying for an enemy nation. That should get her either thrown in a labor camp for life or perhaps even executed. Hell do the same with Fluttershy's family as well, they can't cause you any problems if they are in a labor camp or dead, right? I do think that you need to do something to keep your Shy in check. If she was to ever even try to run off, just kill her and let your dictator friend know that she was a flight risk. I'm sure he will understand. I know Princess Celestia will be like that if any of our domestic slaves try shit like that!

Sincerely,

Pony Colgate

The Big Mac Question

Dear Big Mac and Sugar Belle,

Let me start out by saying that I am very happy for you. Never once did I think I would be happy for a straight couple getting married but you two are an exception. Both of you are hard working, honest and honorable ponies. The two of you are what I would classify as model citizens of Equestria.

Now I know that the events leading up to your proposal and subsequent marriage were very chaotic and downright hilarious, yes I was spying from my balcony. Your wedding however was very touching and for the first time since Bright Mac and Pear Butter got married, I shed tears of joy over a wedding. I am sorry that I was unable to make it but you know how princess life can be, full of meetings and other things that take me away from events I would rather attend.

May your days together be long and happy. Again, congratulations you two. I am so happy for you and if you ever decide to have foals, I will be sure and attend the foal showers and shower you with lavish gifts.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Sugar Belle, I know your specialty is primarily pies but do you think you could try and make me an apple cake? I don't know if that is possible but if you at least try, I will pay you top dollar for it. After all, you and Big Mac deserve nothing but the best.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Thank you for allowing us to have that final hetero marriage license you will issue for the decade. You have no idea how much it meant to us when you contacted us after the proposal and said it had our names on it. Both of us have always heard what an uncaring, spiteful pony you could be, especially from Twilight but this is proof that you are not. This is proof that you are a caring, nice pony who only wants the best for her subjects.

It is a shame that you were unable to attend but we know that you were really busy. We are happy though that you are happy for us. Even Applejack has brought up how you hate sappy moments but now we think that was all just a front you put up to make yourself look tough. This right here is proof that you do have feelings like everypony else in Equestria.

Don't worry, we will notify you when baby showers come along because we can tell you are looking forward to the little ones if we decide to have any.

Sincerely,

Big Mac and Sugar Belle

P.S. Oh and about the apple cake, I can try but I can't guarantee it will be any good. You do know that I would do it for free for you but if you're willing to pay, I won't turn it down. - Sugar Belle

Dear Princess Twilight,

I know you, Rarity, Starlight, Trixie and Cadence were up here having fun in your old study tower but I thought I would share what you missed down in Ponyville. Big Mac and Sugar Belle have been dating for a while as you know but something truly wonderful happened. They proposed to one another and then got married. Yes I let them have that final hetero marriage license but let me tell you why.

I gave it to them because unlike you, both of them are honorable, honest hard working ponies, basically model citizens of Equestria. Their ceremony was so touching, it was in the same place where Big Mac's parents got married. I couldn't attend it but I did spy on it from my balcony and even I had tears running down my face I was so happy for them.

Now as a princess who is higher ranked than you, I am issuing an executive order that you give them something special. Whether it be something the two of them can use or money that I know you have stashed away, I don't care. Just make sure their many happy and wonderful days start out with a gift from a pony who does not understand such happiness and never will. Either you do it or my sister and I won't retire OR you will remain a subordinate princess and I shall put my favorite on the throne after I see to it that she is ascended.

Happy for Big Mac and Sugar Belle,

Princess Celestia

To an Overly Sentimental Wimp,

What the actual fuck? You have been nothing short of a cold, uncaring bitch for as long as I have known you and all of a sudden a fucking wedding between a mare and a stallion made you cry? You know what Tia, this is proof that you are nothing more than a weak link, a weak link that I will purge once I am rightfully ascended to the throne and crown myself Goddess-Queen of Equestria. You, your lazy sister, your precious little daughter and her lousy marefriend will all be forced to leave Equestria.

You may have allowed this and got all sappy over it but let me tell you this, once I'm dictator, I mean queen, I will dissolve that marriage and take Sugar Belle for myself. Why will I do this? Hey I have nothing against Big Mac but I will do it solely to spite you. I can not be allowing a hetero marriage involving a mare I find hot to exist! Trust me though, you think there were very few hetero licenses issued under you, there will be even fewer issued by me. Only the ugliest mares that I find repulsive will ever be allowed to marry a stallion.

Oh and if you think I'm going to go giving those two any gifts, you must be dumber than I thought. I will not give any kind of gift to a straight couple, EVER. Hell I don't even give anniversary gifts to my parents anymore because I find my mom hot and once I ascend to my rightful position, I'll force her into the harem I plan on forming as well whether she wants to join it or not!

Equestria's Future Goddess-Queen,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I would love to know why the fuck you are always referring to Starlight as your favorite and why you once called me your second favorite. I am trying to figure out what the fuck is up with all this but whatever it is, I'm sure it is just you being a trolling bitch like always.

Dear Princess Twilight,

Don't make me laugh. I along with powers much higher already have a plan set in place to make sure that you don't pull any shit like this. This plan will put a certain pony, one very dear to me, into a position where you will answer to her even if you do crown yourself as Goddess-Queen. Face it Twilight, the big brass wants to see you remain miserable as much as I do. Now just do me a favor, be happy for the newlyweds, got it!

Still Your Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Don't burn your brain out trying to figure this out Twilight. I know some things are impossible for you to comprehend but I thought you would have figured this out in nothing flat!

Dear Discord, Spike, Mrs. Cake and the CMC,

Thanks for helping us get our proposal set up even though it was chaotic. To be honest, the chaos not only made things fun but it made everything much more meaningful. It meant a lot to the two of us that you would go through so much for us.

Sincerely,

Big Mac and Sugar Belle

To the newlyweds,

Well we are happy to have been able to help out and we are all so happy for you. We know you are the perfect couple and your days will be many and very happy.

Sincerely,

Everypony who helped you

P.S. Welcome to the Apple Family Sugar Belle! I am so happy to have you as a sister-in-law now! - Apple Bloom

Sugar Belle,

You may be happy now that you are married to Big Mac but be warned, that will not last for long. Once Bitchlestia retires and I am crowned Goddess-Queen I will dissolve that marriage and force you into my harem. Don't worry, it's not like you won't be unhappy. Once you get some Sparkle forced into your life, you'll wish you had chose me a hell of a long time ago.

Your Future Owner,

Soon to Be Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To a Sex-Crazed Bitch,

Go fuck yourself Twibitch. Princess Celestia and the big brass have already put safeguards in place to prevent you from dissolving marriages. You probably know this but a plan has been made that will make you answer to a much higher level pony, one who isn't a total bitch and will look out for my general welfare. Celestia may be retiring and let you take the throne but in all reality, you'll never be anything beyond a figurehead thanks to Celestia and the big brass. Just like what Celestia used to say, "damn it sucks to be you!"

Sincerely,

Sugar Belle

P.S. How the hell you can think of yourself as ever going to have any power is beyond me. From what Starlight tells me, you don't even have any control during your multi-mare orgies so how are you supposed to run a country? Now go do Equestria a favor and drown in a ditch, ok?

To the lying, asshole hypocrite CEO,

You know what, I saw some of the things that went down during that episode and I am not one bit pleased. I know you and your vermin writer and animator friends tried to hide it but I saw Lyra and Bon Bon giving one another rings and I know all the fans did too. Here you have been bitching for so long about how having a lesbian couple in My Little Pony would hurt the company but now you pull this shit twice. First there was Scootaloo's aunts and now THIS?

You know what, you just need to let my precious daughter and her sweetie become a canon couple, propose and get married. Hell make a special "episode 27" for it if you have to. You have to understand, I am a mother who only wants what is best for her daughter. Now make it happen or I'll come to your world, crash Hasbro's stock price and get you voted out as CEO, got it?

Pissed off Big Time,

Princess Celestia

To a Bitchy Mother,

You know what Cakeass, I was just as surprised to see that as you were. I didn't even know what to think at first but then I realized that there are only three episodes left so I didn't care. For your information you cake craving glutton, I have much bigger issues on my hands than forcing the writers, the VAs and animators to hurry up and make a special episode devoted to your precious daughter and the mare you hope will be your daughter in law getting married.

Tell you what, I have connections to an infinitely powerful Alicorn named *Thundercloud who will make all your dreams come true. I will admit, I have lied about Starlight getting ascended but I don't care. We slowed down making figures a long time ago because they weren't selling that much anymore but hey, StormLuna has a wedding set of both Starlight and Trixie as Alicorns and being princesses with Starlight in regal princess attire and Trixie in her hat and cape with lace so that should make you feel a little better.

This Thunderbolt pony however, he can make all your dreams come true. He will be taking over for me after episode 26 so after that, bitch to him and like I said earlier, he will make all your dreams come true and then some. Hell he has more power than Discord so if you decided you wanted Fluttershy's life to go down the toilet and make Colgate extremely happy, this Alicorn could make it happen and Discord would be powerless to stop him!

Now all I ask is that you fucking leave me alone, ok? All the episodes have been made, the VAs contracts have expired and animating an episode takes much longer than you think so sorry but your daughter marrying her sweetie won't happen on screen, ok?

Having Lied to You A LOT,

God Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.

Author's Note

*And this is Thundercloud, the one who will take over for Goldner after the last episode.

The Ending of the End

Dear Discord,

Seriously, you have been Grogar this whole time? You caused so many problems just to test me? You know what, I thought you had truly reformed but I suppose there was still a bit of evil in you until the very end. You wound up building up my confidence so much but when I learned everything was nothing more than a sham that you created, I felt worthless. Luckily my friends helped me regain my confidence or chances are we would all be in pure hell right now and everypony would probably be horn raped by a giant Cozy Glow full of Alicorn and chaos magic.

Mad at You,

The true leader of Equestria, Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

So you're going to start pulling this queen non-sense. You do know that Princess Celestia will not be thrilled and she could make a last second change on her decision to retire. You know, I may just tell her about this and then your plans on crowning yourself dictator will go up in flames so be careful about the title you choose to use.

Sincerely,

Discord

P.S. I tested you so much because I really wanted to make sure you are ready to take over. After all, you don't take your final exam on the first day of class, right?

Dear Celestia,

Well my time has finally come! The time has finally arrived that I shall crown myself Goddess-Queen and kick you, your sister, your precious daughter and her little marefriend out of MY country! Oh this is going to be so sweet! Any hot mare I want shall be mine and you know what, Fluttershy is going to become my permanent sex slave whether Grogar, aka Discord, likes it or not!

Ready to Kick You Out,

Goddess-Queen Twilight

Dear PRINCESS Twilight,

My sister and I haven't left yet so before you go on with this shit, know that we could still change our minds. Even if we do decide to retire, I do have my ways of putting safeguards in place that will prevent you from doing such things. Now yeah, I still am not overly fond of Fluttershy but if you think you're getting her, think again. The Lord of Chaos could easily cast you into another dimension or toss you into the depths of the world the same way he pulled Sombra out. Now enjoy being in suspense as to whether I will let you take over or not. I know how you freak out over little things like this, it should be interesting.

Contemplating Not Retiring,

Princess (and still your superior) Celestia

To Three Backstabbing Inferiors,

So you thought that hiding my bell from me was a clever idea? Well it wasn't. While I did enjoy the chaos you three created along with causing the windigoes to return, in the end you failed just like you always have. I should have known that three screw ups who can't get along would never be able to succeed. Have fun being encased in stone for all eternity losers!

Laughing at You,

Discord (aka Lord Grogar)

P.S. Kind of funny don't you think Tirek? You stole my magic a few years back but now I along with Celestia and Luna have put you in an eternal prison.

Dear Twilight,

You should know damn good and well that we have always prevailed. There was no reason for you to be such a bitch there for a brief while up there in the Crystal Empire. We get it, you were up there pouting because Cadence likely refused to put out and Flurry probably threatened to overthrow you in a few years but you know we speak the truth. Just imagine had you not listened to us, Cozy Glow probably would have hunted you down and turned both you and Cadence into her eternal sex slaves.

Sincerely,

Your Friends

To My Friends,

Ok, I get it, you five helped me see that I needed to pull my head out of my flank and realize that we did have a chance after all. I suppose I should thank you but once I'm Goddess-Queen, there will be a few changes. The first being the old leaders relocating and me finding a new head mare and guidance counselor for the friendship school since Starlight and Trixie will be forced to relocate with Celestia and Luna as well. Also, don't piss me off or I'll deport you too so Flutters, allow the Sparkle to take you as hers and you'll be fine.

Ready to Rule Over You,

Soon to Be Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Through the Crystal Ball/The Last Problem

Dear Princess Twilight,

Well, well, well.....I have watched through a crystal ball and have seen what will come to be if I simply allow you to take over unchecked and let's just say that I am not thrilled. From what I saw, you are going to start feeding Spike steroids and he will all of a sudden have the build of a linebacker that is featured in Lyra's human books. Guess what, that ain't happening. No way in hell am I going to allow you to give your slave steroids and give him a high up position that will allow him to travel the world and try to get other creatures to get along.

Also, I'm not going to allow you to take steroids either. If this remains unchecked, YOU will also take steroids and grow to be nothing more than a re-color of me. I will not allow that to happen either because nopony other than the chosen one will ever be allowed to grow to be the same size as me. The more I look at things, the more I realize that I must intervene if I am to prevent a future I will not approve of.

To make matters worse, I saw that you gave Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich a hetero marriage license and that they do indeed reproduce. Now that is completely unacceptable that you would give such a license to two ponies that I would NEVER give a license to. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it is vital that I put safeguards in place to keep you from fucking up Equestria and turning it into something that I would never allow.

I also saw that it looked like Fluttershy and Discord hooked up and got married. What will happen is you will realize Discord is still far more powerful than you and you'll be forced to hand over a hetero license to them. Another thing that troubled me was seeing Fluttershy's asshole rabbit reproducing. The fucking thing shouldn't have even lived that long, it should have wound up dead and on my dinner plate. Hell I could see you casting a longevity spell on it solely to spite everypony that has to deal with it.

And worst of all I don't like how the demographics of our country will change if I let you run things unchecked. I was ok with small numbers of other creatures coming to your school but what I saw was downright repulsive. You basically will transform Equestria into some sort of multi-cultural clusterfuck that will be a ticking time bomb just waiting for a civil war to break out or even worse, those other creatures leading a coup and overthrowing your soft, overly welcoming ass. Hell there winds up being a ton of non-ponies calling our land home and pretty much take over that school. Now that is unacceptable, completely unacceptable. I remember back when you wanted to kill griffons solely for being alive but it looks like you'll become some overly welcoming little bitch. I didn't keep Equestria stable for over a thousand years by having open borders and I'm not about to let you destroy it in less than a hundred with what will be an open borders policy. Hell I'm sure if I gazed far enough into the future you'd probably turn Equestria into a socialist hellhole where everycreature gets a basic income without working and those that work hard will get taxed into oblivion.

Now what should I do, shall my sister and I remain on the throne or should we retire and let you take over or should I put my favorite on the throne and make sure you remain a second-tier princess who simply runs a friendship school? Should I contact an incredibly powerful pony and have him give my daugh....I mean Starlight infinite powers, powers that will surpass those of Discord? You know, I might just do that! I personally think it would be very funny to get you all worked up like that.

Tell you what, I will give you a trial period of thirty days of ruling on your own and if you don't do things exactly like I would, I will see to it that you won't turn Equestria into a land where anycreature can get married, have open our borders and institute socialism. Come to think of it, I take that back. I'm contacting that powerful pony immediately so you can't screw Equestria up. I want my legacy carried on and if my favorite is the one who will see to it that my legacy is continued, I'll see to it that it happens.

Still in Charge,

Princess Celestia

To My Inferior Celestia,

Oh so you're going to go believing all the shit you see in some fucking crystal ball? How the hell do I know that somepony didn't spike your cake and you were drunk as fuck when you saw all those visions? You should know damn good and well that Discord could never stop me from making Flutterbitch my sex slave. You should also know that I would never give Pinkie a marriage license to marry her R-63 self.

Now about me going to open our borders, I do think that we should allow more creatures to move into Equestria. Yes I have been a speciesist bitch in the past but two years of running a friendship school and having other creatures save this country has helped me see that a more diverse population will make Equestria and the friendship that protects it even stronger. I think your old ways of closed borders and no actual immigration will eventually lead to our downfall.

Everything you claim to see was either a result of you being drunk, high or you are simply lying so you can find some sort of excuse to keep me from not only taking my rightful place as dictator of this shitty place but also evicting those who will cause me problems. Just wait Tia, maybe I should just turn you into my eternal sex slave instead of evicting you, well that and executing your sister, your fucking daughter and her fucking little marefriend.

Soon to Be Dictator,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Thundercloud,

I was in touch with God-Emperor Goldner and he told me that for everything I want to be achieved, that I have to contact you. Now you see, that liar at the top did not let me ascend my daughter like he claimed he would. Now here is the thing, not only am I hoping that you could ascend Starlight Glimmer but I am also hoping that you could ascend her marefriend, Trixie Lulamoon so that they can get married and be together for all eternity.

Now I hope you can get this done before Twilight winds up taking over because she has very bad plans for all of us if we don't get this done ASAP. Let me know when you can get it done.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have been monitoring all of this for a very long time and I will be there as soon as possible. Everything you want, we will get done. After it is done, we can see to it that the transition of power will go seamlessly.

Sincerely,

Thundercloud

P.S. Summon Starlight, Trixie, Twilight and Firelight to Canterlot so that everything can be taken care of, alright?

Post-Series Special 2: Origins Revealed (Live Action)

Five Days After the Summons

It was a calm day in Canterlot and while everypony was still recovering from the recent events involving the attack by Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek and Chrysalis. Just a couple weeks ago, the palace was in ruins after the villains destroyed it but thanks to Discord and his chaos magic, the palace was as good as new in nothing flat.

Early in the morning a gray Alicorn with two thundercloud cutie marks arrived in town. Despite having never been to Canterlot before, he knew where he had to head given that there was only one palace in the city. When he arrived he was greeted by two guards,

"Halt, who goes there?" asked the pegasus guard.

"State your business." ordered the unicorn guard.

The Alicorn replied, "I am here to see Princess Celestia. She had contacted me a few days back saying she needed to see me."

The guards had been notified ahead of time of the Alicorn's visit so they led him to the throne room. When he approached Celestia, she knew that she had best bow to the much more powerful pony, "Thundercloud, it is very nice to see you."

"Likewise." replied Thundercloud, "So where is the company of ponies that I expected to meet and that daughter you wish for me to ascend?"

Before Celestia could reply, four ponies came rushing into the throne room. Firelight rushed to Celestia and said, "Princess Celestia, it has been too long, way too long!"

Given their past Celestia replied, "No need to be so formal with me Firelight, just Celestia please."

Firelight then approached Starlight grabbed her cheeks and asked, "And how is my pumpkin-wumpkin?"

Starlight pulled back and snapped, "No pumpkin-wumpin stuff in public and especially not in front of the princess." She then noticed what Celestia and her father said to one another and asked, "Princess Celestia, you two know one another?"

Celestia gave a slight blush, "Starlight, Twilight, Firelight, follow me"

The three did as requested and while Starlight had no clue where the princess was leading them, Twilight and Firelight did. Firelight was very excited for what Celestia was about to reveal but Twilight was not very happy. She knew that they were headed towards Canterlot Tower, where the birth records were kept. Given that who was obviously Starlight's father was there, she knew that the suspicions she had had for so long were correct. It was at that moment that she knew why Celestia always was so good to her.

When they arrived, Celestia opened the door and ordered, "Follow me inside."

They headed in and saw that a folder was sitting on a table, a folder that Celestia had got out a couple days earlier in anticipation of the event that was about to take place. She pointed to the folder and ordered, "Starlight, Twilight, come here. There is something you have to see."

Starlight happily obliged but Twilight did not. She did not feel like having the princess rub it in her face that Starlight was indeed her beloved daughter. When she looked down at the paper, Starlight could hardly believe her eyes. "What?" she gasped, "You're my mother?"

Celestia knelt down, spread her wings wide and replied, "Yes Starlight, I'm your mother."

Starlight immediately rushed into her wings and despite not being happy that her father raised her on his own, she began to cry tears of joy. Starlight had often wondered why Celestia was so good to her compared to Twilight but she now knew why. After a minute long embrace, Starlight asked, "Why Princess......"

"Starlight, you can just call me mom now." Interrupted Celestia.

"Mom?" Starlight questioned, "Why was it that you had to have dad raise me? Why was it that I couldn't be raised by you? Why didn't you and dad get married and we could have been one happy family?"

The reasoning for all this was very hard for Celestia to answer. She knew that Starlight did have her moments where she was emotional and that her magic is emotion driven but had to give her a truthful response, "Starlight, this all happened during a royal visit to Sire's Hollow. I made a bad decision to go to the local tavern, I had a little too much to drink and I stumbled on my way out. Your father, being the gentlestallion he is, helped me up and we talked some. After that, we had an intimate encounter and I wound up getting pregnant."

Starlight turned to her dad and asked, "Really, you and Celestia did this and you never told me?"

Firelight replied, "Starlight sweetie, you have to understand. What your mother and I did could have led to the downfall of the monarchy."

Starlight stood there trying to process all that for a minute before continuing, "Ok, I understand that but still." She turned to Celestia and continued, "Mom, when you first saw me, why didn't you just tell me then? When I came up to help you and Aunt Luna with your friendship problem, why not then? Why did you wait until now?"

Celestia again spread her wings and replied, "Because the big brass would not allow it. That lying bastard Goldner would not allow it until now."

Starlight again embraced Celestia and said, "Well at least we are together now." She pulled back, got a smile on her face and continued, "So I take it I'll get my wings now too?"

Celestia nodded and added, "And marry Trixie!"

Celestia motioned for Firelight to join her and Starlight and the three engaged in a group hug. Inside Starlight was angry that the big brass were the ones who prevented her from discovering her origins but now that she knew, she was truly happy. She finally felt at peace that her full origins were revealed and hopefully that they could now be a happy family.

After breaking their hug, Celestia motioned for Twilight to take a look at the book. Twilight gave her a scowl but when Celestia motioned her two more times with her wing, she finally came up to the table. As she headed to the table Twilight growled, "Look, I believe you. I believe you that Starlight is your fucking precious daughter. I don't know what else you have to show me."

Celestia suggested, "Just look at the records, alright?"

Twilight looked and saw Starlight's birth certificate but then saw that Celestia had given birth to a second filly, just twenty minutes after Starlight, a filly named Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia gave Twilight a smile but Twilight would not be one bit happy. She screamed, "What? My whole life has been one big lie?" She turned to Celestia and screamed, "The ponies I always thought were my parents aren't." She pointed a wing towards Firelight and then scowled at Celestia, "You two are my parents, really?"

Celestia replied, "Yes Twilight, we are."

She glared at her parents and screamed, "I can't believe it! Not only are those I have called mom and dad forever not my parents but Shining Armor isn't my brother?" She then became angrier, "And your precious Starlight is my older sister?"

Celestia replied, "Yes Twilight, you are my other daughter."

Celestia spread her wings expecting Twilight to embrace her but would not get that. Instead she would get an angry response, "I have been your daughter for so long but you never told me?" Her response turned into a scream, "I am your daughter but you have treated me like shit since the day I matured. You let my friends here have their way with me and seemed to get a great amount of joy out of it." She then pointed towards Starlight and added, "And you seemed to have no problems with me getting it on with my sister!"

When Starlight heard this, that crossed her mind. It shocked her so much that she fainted. Twilight saw this and became angrier, "And chances are now you'll love your little Starlight even more and view me as a degenerate! You'll claim I forced Starlight into all that sex!"

Celestia wasn't exactly thrilled with Twilight's behavior but she could understand why she was so angry, "Twilight, like it was with Starlight, the big brass......."

Twilight snapped, "Don't feed me that big brass bullshit." She got up in Celestia's face and continued, "You know what, I know you were never going to let me take over so I'm just going home, I'll continue to run my friendship school and you can put your precious Starlight on the throne and I know that gray Alicorn is here to ascend Starlight and Trixie so just get on with it. I won't be here to see 'your favorite' get married to a street magician and be ascended into a damn goddess or whatever the fuck you have planned for her."

Twilight turned around and began to leave but would be stopped by Celestia, "Twilight, please don't do this. You know Starlight had no issues accepting the explanation regarding the big brass."

Starlight had come to by this point and added, "Twilight, whatever mom says about the big brass preventing things from happening is true."

Twilight flared her horn up in anger and yelled, "You know what Starlight, I honestly don't care. Our 'mother' has treated you like you are her precious angel ever since you surfaced but has done nothing but shit on me since well before I got sent to Ponyville."

Celestia said, "Twilight sweetie....."

"Don't 'Twilight sweetie' me Celestia." Twilight screamed, "You can say whatever the hell you want but I know that you never truly cared about me and that was proven the moment Starlight showed up. I know you wish she would have altered the timeline one final time to where she would have been your protege. I know you have wanted to make her a princess on a higher level like you for ages." She again headed for the door and screamed, "Well now you can! Your precious daughter can carry on your rigid legacy." She calmed down a bit and finished, "I don't care if you are my biological mother, I will NEVER see you and Firelight as my parents. The ones I always thought were my parents will always be the ones I call mom and dad."

Twilight headed towards the exit and left, leaving Starlight and her parents behind. Celestia turned to Starlight and said, "I understand if you are really mad at me too and wish to leave as well."

Starlight embraced her and said, "Are you kidding me? I finally have a dad AND a mom!" She became sad and continued, "I am sad that Twilight pretty much disowned you two" she then smiled and continued, "but we are together now and that is what matters."

Firelight asked, "So Celestia, when do you think would be a good time to try and talk to Twilight? I do want to get to know my other daughter after all."

Celestia replied, "Give her time to process all this before contacting her via mail before trying to meet up with her if she will see you." She then turned to Starlight and continued, "But for now, we have a double ascension and a wedding to plan!"

Starlight gave her a smile and the three headed back towards the throne room. Starlight was ecstatic that she was finally able to meet her mother. While Celestia was the last pony she ever expected to be her, Starlight was happy. She was even happier knowing what events would soon follow, her ascension and her wedding with Trixie.

Post-Series Special 3: The Ascensions (Live Action)

It was not long after Twilight had stormed out of Canterlot Tower that Celestia, Firelight and Starlight returned to the throne room. When they arrived, Trixie had a curious look on her face and Thundercloud was tapping his hoof. He had hoped to go down to Canterlot, ascend Starlight and then return to his home on Mt. Marelympus.

When they arrived Trixie rushed to Starlight and asked, "So what happened? Twilight seemed really upset when she stormed out."

Starlight replied, "Well as it turns out Princess Celestia is my mom! Oh I'm so happy!"

Trixie embraced her, "I can imagine because that means that you have royal blood in you!"

"That it does." replied Starlight, "That it does."

"Ahem!" sighed Thundercloud. He turned to Celestia and asked, "So when do you want me to ascend Starlight? I really don't feel like hanging around all day."

Celestia pointed her wing towards a corner and asked, "Can I speak to you in private?"

Thundercloud nodded and followed Celestia to the corner. Once they arrived they began to discuss all the details regarding the ascension.

"So how much power are you wanting me to give Starlight? Are you wanting me to give her powers that surpass yours?"

"Well first off I was going to see if you could ascend both Starlight and Trixie. I don't want my sweet daughter losing the love of her life and then having an eternity of loneliness ahead of her."

*sighs* "Very well, I can do that. So how much power do you want them to have?"

"Well with Trixie, I was going to see if you could give her Discord level powers."

*gasps* "Seriously, Discord level powers?" He saw Celestia nod and sighed, "Very well, I will give her that much power but what about Starlight?"

Celestia got a huge smile on her face, "Well I was thinking that you could give her infinite powers, powers that match yours."

*gasps* "Seriously, you want your daughter to have powers only matched by me?"

"Yes, if that wouldn't be too much trouble."

Thundercloud went into a state of deep thought for a few minutes before replying, "Very well. Given that she is of royal blood, she is likely the only pony that could handle this."

"Thanks, I appreciate this."

After their discussion they returned to where the others were standing. Celestia motioned for Starlight to step forward, "Starlight honey, your time has come. The time has come for you to fulfill your destiny."

As she was stepping forward Firelight asked, "This isn't going to harm her any is it?"

Thundercloud replied, "Nope, not at all but she may be disoriented for a moment after the ascension."

Once Firelight was reassured that Starlight would be fine, Thundercloud readied himself to ascend Starlight. He leaned his head forward, grasped Starlight in his aura and placed the tip of his horn against the tip of Starlight's. His eyes soon began to shine white as he focused on the spell to do what Celestia was asking him to do. He had only done a few ascensions in his past and those were only minor, Cadence's being one of them.

Soon the image of the ascension process appeared in his head and he and Starlight began to levitate. The two became encircled in a white ball and as time progressed, the ball got brighter. Trixie and Firelight had very concerned looks on their faces but Celestia knew that this would go by just fine since Thundercloud had done this before. After a whole hour, the ball popped and the two returned to the ground.

What would appear alongside Thundercloud was not the same Starlight as before. She had grown quite a bit. She had grown so much that she was a bit taller than Celestia and her mane and tail were wavy, her wings had grown and her horn was longer, just like her mother's. At first she was a bit wobbly and had sparks shooting out of her horn. Celestia immediately rushed to her and grabbed a hold of her. Everypony except Thundercloud looked on in shock for several minutes until Starlight finally came to, "Mom, where......" She then became more alert, "Wait a minute. Mom, how is it that I am so big and why do I have sparks shooting out of my horn?"

Thundercloud approached her and informed her, "Starlight Glimmer, your mother asked that I give you a very special ascension. She asked that I give you infinite power and that is what I did."

Starlight gasped, "Infinite power?"

Thundercloud replied, "Yes, infinite power." He got a smile on his face and continued, "You are literally a goddess now. Your powers are only matched by mine and surpassed by nopony's."

This was something that was very hard for Starlight to comprehend at first. She had always known that she had powerful magic but all of a sudden she had powers that were not surpassed by any. She did know one thing though, she knew that she simply could not go using the new magic she possessed right away. She knew that she would have to study and study hard to grasp how to properly use her new powers. Something else then crossed her mind, Trixie. She pointed towards Trixie and asked, "What about Trixie? Does she get ascended too?"

Thundercloud replied, "Yes, I just need a while to rebuild my strength. Ascending you that much really did a number on me."

Celestia suggested, "Well how about we go to the dining hall and get some food in our system." She heard Starlight's stomach rumbling and figured that the amount she grew had likely made her hungry. She pointed towards Starlight and continued, "And get some food in your much larger body!"

Starlight replied, "Thanks mom, I could really use a decent sized meal."

While they were eating, the first thing everypony noticed was how quickly Starlight was eating her meal. The one who was first to comment was her father, "Wow Starlight, you must be really hungry."

Starlight examined her body and then compared herself to Celestia. She replied, "Well when you more than double in size you're going to be hungry, very hungry."

The other pony that was devouring his meal was Thundercloud but unlike Starlight, he was in no mood to talk. He simply wanted to down his meal, get his strength back up, ascend Trixie and then get going.

After a hearty meal and rather ordinary conversations given the events that had happened that day, Thundercloud was finally ready to finish the job that he had went down to Canterlot for. He pointed towards Trixie and asked, "Are you ready for this?"

Trixie was unsure as to how much power she was going to be given. While she knew that she likely wouldn't be able to handle the level of power that was given to Starlight since she had no royal blood in her, she did hope that she would at least have Celestia's levels. She asked, "So how much more powerful will The Great and Powerful Trixie become?"

Thundercloud replied, "Well Celestia and I were talking and we were thinking about giving you the same level of power as Discord."

Trixie's eyes grew wide as she asked, "Will that make me The Great and Chaotic Trixie?"

Starlight couldn't help but giggle over the comment but Thundercloud sighed in frustration over the comment, "Just step forward Trixie. Princess Celestia wants this done."

Celestia complied with the order and readied herself for her ascension. Like it was with Starlight, he touched the end of Trixie's horn with his own and went into the same trance as his eyes began to shine white. Soon the two became encircled in a white ball. While everypony had smiles on their faces as Trixie was going through the process, Starlight was by far the happiest. She knew that with Trixie's ascension, that time would never part the two. She knew that her and Trixie would be together forever.

After an hour, the ball popped and a new Trixie emerged from it. She, like Starlight, had grown significantly, her horn was longer, her wings had grown and her mane and tail now were wavy and flowed on their own. The first to say anything was Starlight. She rushed to her, embraced her and exclaimed, "We're both immortal Trixie, we're both immortal!"

The two were joined by the suddenly smaller Firelight, "I'm so proud of you Starlight, I'm so happy that both of you have fulfilled your destinies."

One thing Starlight did know is that in her new form, that her face was likely more elongated like Celestia's now which prompted her to chuckle, "Well no more chipmunk cheeks dad! I don't have those anymore!"

Firelight returned the laugh, "I guess not."

While Firelight, Starlight and Trixie were enjoying one another's company, Celestia went to check on Thundercloud as he was laying down and looked disoriented. Celestia knelt down and asked, "Thundercloud, are you ok?"

No, I'm not." Thundercloud groaned, "I feel like I've been crushed by a giant boulder, I've never felt more drained in my life." He began to sit up and continued, "Ascending your daughter and her marefriend has taken a lot out of me. Do you have any VIP quarters, I need a lot of rest."

Celestia replied, "I do. Follow me."

Once Celestia and Thundercloud had got out of earshot, Starlight was looking at her smaller father and something crossed her mind. She realized that while her mother was immortal like her, her father was not. This caused her to become sad and ask, "Dad, would you want to be ascended to be at least as powerful as mom?"

Firelight saw how much the spells had taken out of Thundercloud and replied, "I don't know, ascending you two took a lot out of Thundercloud and I don't know if he could even do another one anytime soon, even a minor one."

Starlight gave her dad a smile, "Dad, I have infinite powers now!" She gave him an embrace and continued, "Once the transfer of power has taken place, I will do some studying and then ascend you myself."

"You'd really do that?" asked Firelight.

Starlight replied, "Of course I will. That way I will always have my family, well the family that wants to be around me anyway."

Trixie joined in on the hug and added, "And The Great and Powerful Trixie looks forward to being part of the family!"

Starlight commented, "And we look forward to you being part of it sweetie."

Starlight was very happy with the events that had happened that day. She was thrilled that she now had the powers to not only ascend her father so that he would be immortal like the rest of the family but also that her beloved Trixie would live on forever with her. The only thing that disappointed her was the rift that had developed between Twilight and the rest of the family, a rift she hoped she could close at some point.

Post-Series Special 4: Father/Daughter Correspondence

Dear Dad,

What The Great and Powerful Trixie would like to know is why you have never kept in contact with her? Trixie knows that you are her father and she also knows that you work at Flim and Flam's resort down in Las Pegasus. Anyway, The Great and Powerful Trixie has some wonderful news! Trixie is going to be marrying a pony named Starlight Glimmer and she just happens to be Princess Celestia's daughter!

Don't you think it is great that Trixie is going to be marrying the daughter of a princess? From what Trixie understands, both her and Starlight will be ascended into even higher level Alicorns than Princess Bitchy Pants and we will be the ones who have all the say! What The Great and Powerful Trixie is wondering is if you would come to her and Starlight's wedding in Canterlot? The ascension will likely have already happened by the time you get this letter but Trixie would like it if her dad walked her down the aisle.

Just think, once she is Princess Trixie or whatever title she decides to use, you'll be part of the royal system and you won't have to worry about another thing in your whole life. Just remember that now, once your life is easy and you don't have any bills to pay, it will be The Great and Powerful Trixie you will have to thank!

Your Daughter,

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Dear Trixie,

I am sorry that I haven't kept in touch but with you being a traveling showpony, trying to find you is impossible. I am glad though that you will be marrying this Starlight pony it sounds like you love and it is amazing that she just happens to be Princess Celestia's daughter. Now I am very happy that you are marrying Celestia's daughter but rather than merely being princesses, I think you two should shoot for more. From what I understand Celestia and Luna are retiring so once that happens and you two take over, you should use the title queen. I do think that Queen Trixie Lulamoon would sound very good after all.

You bet I'll come to Canterlot and walk you down the aisle. I have always dreamed of walking my precious daughter down the aisle as she marries a good strong mare such as Starlight. Now I will thank you in advance since I know how you will get if I don't thank you well in advance, so thanks Trixie. I will see you soon.

Love,

Dad

Dear Princess Twilight,

I know things didn't go very well when Celestia revealed to you and your sister your origins but please don't shut us out of your life. I can understand why you are so mad at your mother but I had no say as to whether I raised you or not. When the two of you were born, Celestia said that I would be the one to raise Starlight and that she would find a family of well off unicorns to raise you. Night Light and Twilight Velvet were pretty much forced to adopt you because of the way her tail resembles yours, sort of anyway.

Just please come up to your sister's coronation and wedding. I know that would make her happy and it would make us happy. I'm not demanding it but I just think maybe it would be a way for us to become a happy family.

Love,

Dad

Firelight,

What part of "I will never see you and Bitchlestia as my parents" do you not get? I will never see you as my father and I will certainly never see Celestia as my mother, EVER. I have no desire to go see Starlight be ascended into a fucking goddess along with that little marefriend of hers. Be sure and let Starlight know I won't be attending her precious coronation and when it comes to Celestia I want you to deliver this one statement to her, "Fuck you bitch, now go drown in a ditch!"

Still the Best Princess,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Post-Series Special 5: Tense Mother/Daughter Letters

Dear Twilight,

I know you're all grumpy and shit, the youngest ones always are, but I am ordering that you come up for your sister's wedding and subsequent coronation. I already had Her ascended and guess what, She now has something truly special, She has infinite powers! Yep, your sister truly is something special. You know something else Twilight? Starlight is literally a goddess now so once She takes over, She could use the title Goddess-Queen! Goddess-Queen Starlight sounds really nice doesn't it?

Also, your soon to be sister-in-law gained Discord level powers during her ascension so now Trixie is more powerful than you too. I truly am disappointed in you Twilight, had you not stormed off like a little bitch I was going to have Thundercloud ascend you to a higher level too but oh well, you proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that you aren't deserving of having any more power than you already do. Who knows, maybe once She takes over Starlight will ascend you to a higher level since She has that ability and is the nice sister who cares about everypony.

Oh and before I continue on about how proud I am of my favorite, like I said before, I am ordering you to come up for your sister's wedding and coronation. If you fail to come, I will talk to Thundercloud and have him take those pretty wings of yours away and give them to Rarity. Then for shits and giggles, I'll have him take your horn and give it to Fluttershy even though she is a tyrannical bitch BUT I will not reverse that longevity spell. Long story short, either come and be here for Starlight or you'll be stuck being an earth pony for 3,000 years and that would truly suck now, wouldn't it? Anyway, see you soon Twily.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I am also ordering that you bring the newlyweds a nice gift AND that you get your sister a very nice gift for Her coronation, one that is truly worthy of Her greatness.

Fuck You Bitchlestia,

I get it bitch, I get it that you love your precious Starlight so much that you just had to write me like this and rub it in my face that she is LITERALLY a goddess now. I had always thought you were a troll but after pulling all this shit recently and always treating Starlight like she is more valuable than gold, I now know you are far worse.

You Bitchlestia, are a cruel, petty, spiteful hurtful sorry excuse of a mother who loves one child but hates the other. I don't know what the hell I ever did to you for you to have treated me like shit for so long. You somehow managed to hide the truth from me for decades, you banished me to a third world shit hole, you constantly laughed when I couldn't initiate PETA girl, you put me down when I was being controlled and abused by Flutterskank, you always laughed when Starlight would outshine me and you constantly refer to Starlight as "your favorite." Also, don't go thinking I didn't see that one letter you wrote to Starlight telling her how you wish she would have tore up the scroll and stopped the rainboom one last time. I know what you said, I know you said that she would have became your protege and I know damn good and well that had that happened, she'd probably have been ascended and be running this country in nothing flat.

Fine, I will come up for her ceremonies but I can't guarantee I will bring her anything nice. I'm not made out of money you know and I don't even know what I would get her. She never seemed to be big into material possessions, it seemed like as long as she had the basics she was happy. Hell maybe I'll just give her Rarity and then her and Trixie can have a sex toy that will whine all the time.

Hating Your Fucking Guts,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Wait a minute, you are capitalizing pronouns when referring to her now? Are you doing that because it is appropriate to do so for a goddess or are you doing it just to rub it in my face as to how much better you think she is than me? Oh well, I'm thinking that after her fucking marriage and coronation, I will only deal with her if it is absolutely necessary and regarding you and Firelight, never again. Let me say this though, if those two ever were to die, I'd take over and you and your sister would be on my "must kill list."

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know something, I am honestly thinking that perhaps I should just have you turned to stone and put you in the sculpture garden next to Tirek, Cozy Glow and Chrysalis but spray something on you that would cause the birds to shit all over you. I will say this, I will see to it that security is tripled for Starlight and Trixie because I now have a feeling that you will try to kill them in one way or another so you can usurp power that isn't rightfully yours.

You know what, forget coming up here. I'll just let you be because I do not want you coming up here and potentially harming your much better sister. Oh and you really want to know why I'm so good to Her and not you? It is because you have always been talking about overthrowing me, taking over and running this country but Starlight never has. Just think Twilight, had you never brought up becoming queen someday, you could very well be in the position to rule alongside Starlight and Trixie but oh well, it sucks to be you doesn't it?

Love,

Mom

To the Absolute Worst Mother Ever,

That is a crock of shit bitch. I could have been the most obedient protege and then a complete "yes ma'am" princess and you still would be shitting all over me. You know damn good and well that you'd still be showing Starlight favoritism no matter what so I don't know why you're bothering lying to me.

Fine, go ahead and turn me to stone, see if I care. Hell you may as well turn me to stone and then banish me to the moon or throw me in Tartarus. That way I wouldn't be a threat to the precious goddess-queen and her little wife. Forget it Tia, I'm done. I'm not bothering with you anymore since I don't have to go to your Starlight Glimmer glorification ceremony.

The Better Sister,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Twilight,

I know you won't respond to this but maybe I should just have your sister age regress you into being a newborn and then your father and I can raise you right and you'll appreciate us and be thankful I brought you into this world. Don't worry, if I decide to do that I'll just have Flim and Flam go take over your school, alright?

Love,

Your Mother (And Don't You Forget it),

P.S. I thought you said that you'd never see me as your mother. I suppose you are at least acknowledging that it was me who brought your lavender flank into this world. Now if you'd just learn some respect we'd be good!

Post-Series Special 6: Letters from the Canterlot Four

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well the series is over and we want to know something, when will you give us what you promised us? When will you transform us into immortal, kick-ass Alicorns? When will we get our castle? When will we get that sex toy you promised us? When will we get that permit to go abduct any hot mare we want and when will we get this guaranteed monthly income forever that you promised? You know what will happen if you don't pay up, right? You know that we could completely destroy your reputation and spill it to the press that you bucked a commoner and that Starlight is really your daughter.

Look, we want what you promised us and we will stop at nothing to get it. So unless you pay up, we'll ruin your image in the eyes of Starlight and like we once said, she will be so scarred that she will run off to that no-name village and never associate with the outside world again! Now that would really suck wouldn't it?

Demanding You Pay Up,

Dr. M. Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,

Look, I have much bigger fish to fry right now than worrying about giving all of you what I promised. Besides, Starlight already knows I'm Her mother and I am also retiring. My retirement will be coming very soon and Starlight and Trixie will be taking over for Luna and I. They have already been ascended and will be getting married here very shortly so not only do I have a huge coronation for her planned but I also have a wedding to plan.

Chances are you will have to talk to Her about getting everything I promised you because She has been ascended and has infinite powers now. So go ahead and go spill the beans to the press, it's not like it will matter anymore anyway and if you do this, I know that my daughter will see to it that you are punished and punished severely.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh and chances are you won't get Starlight and Trixie in bed anymore. Both have been ascended, both are far bigger than you now and with them getting married, chances are they'll settle down and only be intimate with one another....but hey, there is still Twilight! She is kind of in a bitchy mood since she won't be taking over like I promised her she could but oh well, you can go down to Ponyville and make her feel all better!

Dear Princess Twilight,

None of us are in a very good mood right now. As it turns out Princess Celestia is too busy to give us everything that she promised us and to make matters worse, it is as you expected. Starlight Glimmer is Celestia's daughter and not only does our little Starlie know but her and Trixie have been ascended and are not only planning a wedding but Celestia is preparing a huge coronation for her daughter.

She promised us so much and now we probably won't get it unless Starlight decides to be nice and honor her mother's promises. She promised to ascend us, she promised us a castle, she promised us a hot sex toy and she promised us money for life and there is no guarantee Starlight will give all that to us after her mama retires. We aren't sure if you know all this or not but we just thought we would let you know.

We have a feeling that you are probably upset but don't worry, we'll always be here for you. Tell you what, next time you come up to see us we'll even let you dominate us! Yep, we'll let you dominate us since chances are could really use a release right now and may want to feel in charge of something. Let us know when you want some action so we can come down there and help you release all that stress.

Sincerely,

Dr. M. Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

P.S. When do you plan on bringing Rarity up to us as an offering? With the series being over now, you can issue an executive order making her our sex slave. Remember, bring her to us with a bow in her mane, alright?

Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,

You know what, your shitty problems are nothing compared to how Celestia has wronged me. If I ever calm down perhaps we can talk about how she shit on us but for now, I just want to be left alone, alright?

Wronged by Celestia,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight,

Well we found out that you know that Celestia is your mother and we also know that Celestia will be retiring and that you will be taking over for her. Now we are curious about something. We want to know if you will give us what Celestia promised us. We want to know if you will give us the sex toy she has for us, we want to know if you will give us a castle, we want to know if you will turn us into immortal Alicorns and we want to know if we will still get that guaranteed money for life that she promised us. We know that you are likely very happy to finally have your mother in your life and will do everything you can to carry on her legacy and that would include giving us what we want, right?

Sincerely Your Lovers,

Dr. M. Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Ladies,

Right now I am extremely busy as I have not only a wedding coming up but I also have a coronation coming up too. I will say this though, I'm not just going to go giving you things like mom promised she would. I do plan on keeping some of my mom's legacies but I will not go giving handouts like you want nor will I be giving you ponies as sex slaves. If you want money, EARN IT. Also, I'm not just going to go turning you into Alicorns because you are close to me.

I do have other plans too but that does not involve showing certain ponies favoritism over others. Oh and Colgate, I know my mom gave you tax exempt status but once I take over, that will no longer be the case. If I allow you to keep that status, I would then need to do away with the income tax entirely and I'm sorry but this country needs tax revenue to operate.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Post-Series Special 7: Sisters' Correspondence

Dear Twilight,

I know chances are I am the last pony you want to hear from but I do want to let you know that I can understand why you are so mad at our parents, especially mom. I know she probably won't be happy if you don't show up but I won't be upset if you don't come to the coronation because if the roles were reversed, I would feel the same way.

I do however have a solution to right this wrong. Once the transfer in power is complete, come up to Canterlot and I will ascend you to have the same powers as me AND then we can rule this country together, each having an equal share in power. We are fraternal twins and once I'm in charge, I will see to it that you receive your birthright authority. Right now, I'm going to play along with mom and act like I'll be the one with all the power but once the transfer in power is complete, you'll get what you are destined for.

Now I'm not sure exactly how Trixie will react to this but if she has any problems with it, she will have two Alicorns with infinite power to deal with. I do love her but family is more important to me and if she raises too big of a fuss, magic can be used to solve that problem right sis? Anyway, let me know what you think. After all, we should rule together, right?

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

You're shitting me, right? You mean to tell me that after the transfer of power is complete that you will actually ascend me to your level AND we will rule together, as equals? I am having an extremely hard time believing this. I feel like you are saying this but then you will turn on me and wind up doing what mom didn't do, something such as turning me to stone or throwing me in Tartarus.

Now let's say that you are being legitimately true here, I want to know what Trixie would have to do for you to decide to put family first and toss her to the side. What would you do as far as punishment would go? Would you be willing to strip her of her title and return her to being a unicorn of below average power? Would you be willing to have me move up to Canterlot and have us be known as the royal pony sisters like mom and Aunt Luna were? And one huge question, would you be willing to have us share the same bed and engage in sisterly bonding on a daily basis?

Starlight, even though we are sisters I am going to admit, I still find you so hot. If you were to ascend me, cause me to grow to be your size and have us have an equal share in power, I would want us to be the closest pair of sisters in pony history. Now let me know if you would be willing to do all that for me if I accept this offer from you. Remember Starlight, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be in this situation!

Hoping You Aren't Lying,

Your Sexy Sister

Dear Twilight,

I am not joking, my offer to you is legitimate. You see, what I am offering is your birthright. We both have Princess Celestia as our mom so we have royal blood flowing through us. As far as what Trixie would have to do, it would be challenging me in my decision to ascend you and have it be you and me being equal share holders in Equestria while all she would be is my wife and have no real say. I'm going to be honest Twilight. While I do love her, I can't help but have my concerns over her having any say in anything at all. Given that she didn't even meet my standards to be vice-head mare when I was supposed to take over your school, I'm thinking that perhaps having her ascended was a mistake. I just have my concerns that she may wind up learning Discord's style of magic and cause all sorts of mayhem.

Now regarding the whole thing about you moving up here and not only sharing the palace but the same bed with me, I'd be up for that. I will admit this, I do find you incredibly hot too and I'm already missing our fun times and the idea of us being the closest pair of sisters in history is making me want you, very bad. Yes we could be known as the Royal Pony Sisters like mom and Aunt Luna are but we'd be much, much closer!

I do have an idea Twilight, you could come up here, maybe make some off-color remark about Trixie. She would then attack you PRIOR to the wedding. That would then be her attacking royalty and the punishment for that would be harsh....such as returning her to her former self AND just to keep her quiet about our past, perhaps a memory eradication spell or Tartarus. Wait a minute, I've got it! I'll get mom to give me my coronation first and then have the wedding. If Trixie attacks you before that but after the coronation, she would be attacking royalty without her being royalty herself!

You see, if that is the case I will be the one in power and I would get to decide her punishment, not mom nor Aunt Luna. That way, it would be easy for me to ascend you and give you your birthright and then, we could not only rule together but share mom's bed too! Let me know what you think of my plans.

Telling the Truth,

Your Hot Sister

To My Hot Sister,

Wow, you must really want me if you're making these detailed of plans! Ok, I'll come up, we'll go with your plans and then you and I can wind up ruling together and have the palace to ourselves. I do like your idea about how to silence Trixie. After all, if we are to be truly close sisters, we can't have anypony knowing about the activities we used to engage in and may expose us for what she might think we'll be doing now can we?

I know Trixie probably still hates me from exposing her as a fraud with the Ursa Major incident and this would be the ultimate victory for me, stealing you away from her and causing her to lose all her powers! Oh this is going to be so much fun!

Love,

Your Sexy Sister

To My Sexy Sister,

Alright, I shall talk to mom about moving the coronation ceremony ahead of the wedding. That will allow our plans to work out perfectly and then you and I can become the rulers of Equestria. I do know that we will have a lot to discuss about how we'll rule things and who will handle what but I'm really looking forward to is the night after your coronation....two sisters in heat that only days of sexy times will take care of!

Love,

Your Hot Sister

Post-Series Special 8: The Sisters Are Exposed!

Dear Mom,

I want to ask you something. You see, it just crossed my mind that if Trixie and I were to get married prior to my coronation, she would not immediately become royalty. She would have to have her own coronation ceremony and that would cost plenty of money, money that I think would be better well spent on a statue of me and Twilight to place on the palace grounds since we are sisters. If you wait until after my coronation, she will become a princess by default and like I stated above, that would save us a ton of money!

I would again like to thank you for bringing in Thundercloud and having him ascend the two of us. I do have one question though, why have you always been so awful to Twilight? Her and I have talked and you were perfectly good to her and treated her the way a mother should until she came of age. It was at that moment that you began to treat her like dirt and to me, that just ain't right. I do want to know something, say I had been the one you raised and dad raised Twilight, would you still have treated me as good as you always have or would you have treated me like shit and praised Twilight when she surfaced?

You know that if it weren't for her you would never have met me or even know about my whereabouts so I think you could at least stop treating her like dirt. Let me know though if you would be willing to move that coronation ceremony ahead of the wedding. It would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

Dear Starlight,

You don't have to hide it from me! I know what the real reason is that you want this moved forward and if you really wanted your sister instead of Trixie why didn't you say something before I had Thundercloud ascend her? Oh well, with your powers now you can just return her to normal and ascend Twilight up to your level of Alicorn so you two can "rule together forever."

I am going to be honest with you here. I never said anything because I didn't want to upset you nor did I want you stealing my cutie mark but I honestly don't trust Trixie to have any say in running the government. To be honest, I wouldn't even trust her to run a lemonade stand. She simply isn't mature enough and the fact that you wouldn't let her be the vice-head mare at Twilight's school should have been a sign that she wouldn't be fit to be royalty.

Now I'm thinking maybe you can return her to normal while she is asleep because she will cause us fewer problems. Don't worry, Luna can intervene in her dream and keep her asleep for longer than normal and have her be in a deeper sleep so she won't wake up.

I understand that I shouldn't have been so horrible to your sister for so long but it is kind of a tradition for me to be horrible to my proteges to see if they will break and with the exception of Twilight, they all did. I just kept being awful to her to see if she would ever be ready for when I would retire and up until you two exchanged that recent set of letters, I didn't think she was.....yes I scan all mail that comes in and goes out from the palace in the event you were wondering how I knew about this. Also, had the roles been reversed, you likely would have been the one I banished and treated like dirt because I would have raised you while Twilight never would have developed all those negative qualities I put in her.

Don't worry, we'll handle Trixie and then you and your sister can have your huge coronation ceremony and then move into my bedroom. I know how loud you two get so I'm hoping you'll force everypony else out of the castle because I certainly don't want anypony knowing that the new Royal Pony Sisters are incestuous!

Love,

Mom

Mom,

Let me start out by saying that I am not thrilled that you had the audacity to read my mail! You know that is normally a federal crime but I suppose you are above the law. Anyway, thanks for helping me out with this. I am looking so forward to ruling with my oh-so-sexy sister!

Love,

Starlight

P.S. I can't believe you though, you treated Twilight like shit because you raised her to be just like you? You know something, that is flat out fucked up. I could never imagine treating somepony like shit just because I raised them to be just like me.

Twilight,

Let me start out by saying that I am incredibly proud of you! I am so proud of you because you managed to seduce your sister away from a sub-par street magician. For so long I didn't think you had it in you and I honestly didn't think you ever would but you have proven me wrong. Starlight has extremely high standards and the fact that she has chosen you over Trixie pleases me.

Now I do wish to apologize and explain myself. I'll let you know why I have been such a bitch over the decades. You see, it is tradition that I am horrible to my proteges. I am horrible to them because I want to see how much they'll take before they break and you were the first one to not break before I decided to give you your wings. I know it was wrong of me to not make an exception for you given you are my flesh and blood but the princess side of me is simply too dominant.

Now for why I have been so awful to you since then. I have been testing you for years to see if you would ever be able to handle having a hoof in actually running the country instead of simply handling events that are beneath me and handling villains. I will admit, you did a better job than I gave you credit for but what matters most is that you are keeping an undesirable out of the royal family.

Again I am sorry Twilight but I am going to tell you the same thing I told Starlight. When you two decide to get it on, kick everypony else out of the castle. I don't want anypony suspecting that my daughters are making me proud! Now I will let you know when we have Trixie taken care of. Once we do, I will send you a letter telling you to come up to Canterlot so Starlight can ascend you and then I can hold an epic coronation ceremony for my daughters as they take over for me and Luna.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I swear, reading your mail to your sister was fun and reading what she sent you was fun. You two are a couple of schemers, a chip off the old block! It is obvious you're both a whole lot more like me than you are your dad.

Celestia,

It is going to take a lot more than a mere apology and an explanation for why you have been such a bitch to me to patch things up. I suppose though that you owning up to your wrongs, explaining yourself and apologizing is a start. Look, I'll think about seeing you and Firelight as my real parents eventually but still, the heartache from all those years of being shit on are something that it will take a long time for me to recover from.

Now I am glad though that I will be getting my birthright authority. I thought for so long that you were going to screw me out of what I have been destined to do for ages but now at least I know that won't be the case. I am however unhappy that you would have the audacity to read the mail that Starlight and I was sending to one another. I have a feeling that you have probably been snooping on all the mail that comes in and out of the castle for centuries but oh well, you know about the plans Starlight and I have and have absolutely no issues with them.

Now if only you would have let us know this a long time ago when we'd buck non-stop we wouldn't be having these issues with Trixie. I look forward to receiving that letter that will notify me to come up there and fulfill my destiny, the destiny I share with my hot to trot sister.

Ready to Rule Alongside My Sexy Sister,

Twilight

Post-Series Special 9: Starlight's Betrayal (Live Action)

It had been another long day in Canterlot as Starlight, Trixie and Celestia had been preparing for the events to come. During that morning, they had made the decision that the coronation of Starlight would come first and then in the afternoon the plans were being made for what would be an incredibly lavish wedding, a wedding that The Great and Powerful Trixie felt was necessary.

That evening after supper and after Celestia and Luna had done their duties, the duties that they did came into discussion. Luna asked, "Sister, so what are the plans for the sun and moon? I know Starlight and Trixie will handle them but when should we train......."

Trixie had been thinking about this and she couldn't help but interrupt, "Well The Great and Powerful Trixie thinks she should handle the moon since she has a moon as part of her cutie mark." She then pointed towards Starlight and continued, "And Starlight can handle the sun."

Luna gave Trixie a scowl when she interrupted her. Once Trixie had finished Luna said, "Perhaps." She then turned towards Celestia and asked, "Sister, what do you think of Trixie's plan? Do you think Starlight would be better suited to handle the sun?"

Celestia gave her daughter a smile and replied, "Yes, I do think Starlight would be better suited for it since she is my daughter after all."

Luna asked, "Very well but when should we begin to train them? They need to have this down before we retire."

Celestia replied, "We shall begin to train them tomorrow. We will have them study our spells and then when the time is right, we will have them give it a shot." She turned to Starlight and continued, "And you my daughter, I know you will handle the sun perfectly!"

Starlight gave her a smile, "Thanks for having so much confidence in me mom."

Trixie was a bit irritated that Celestia seemed to be so focused on Starlight but wasn't paying much attention to her. "What about Trixie?" asked Trixie, "Do you think The Great and Powerful Trixie will be good at handling the moon?"

Celestia and Luna looked at one another before looking at Trixie. Luna replied, "With the right amount of studying, maybe."

Celestia added, "And focus Trixie, you will have to have focus if you want to do this. If you don't, Starlight will wind up being responsible for both the sun and moon."

What seemed to be a lack in confidence from both princesses did not sit well with Trixie, "What?" She developed a scowl on her face and snapped, "Neither one of you think that Trixie can handle it do you?" She especially gave Luna a deep glare and added, "You think only your precious niece can handle it, don't you?"

Her response did not sit well with either princess but it angered Starlight. She glared at Trixie and said, "Look, my Aunt Luna takes a great amount of pride in not just handling the moon but the whole night sky and she simply wants to make sure you are completely ready."

Trixie got up, stomped her hoof on the floor and yelled, "Why are you holding up for her Starlight? Why aren't you holding up for The Great and Powerful Trixie? Why aren't you holding up for your soon to be wife?" Starlight began to try and respond but Trixie continued, "Well The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't need this kind of stress, she is going to bed. She will see you later."

Trixie stormed off and both princesses could see the disgust in Starlight's face. Luna was the first to say anything, "Starlight, you seem upset with her." Luna knew of their plans to get married and knew about Trixie's past along with her lack of seriousness. She then continued, "I do not want to seem meddlesome but are you sure you want to marry her?"

Celestia and Starlight gave one another a smile before Starlight decided to tell a half truth, "While I do love Trixie, mom and I have been communicating and I honestly don't think she has what it takes to be in charge of anything. I have also brought up how I think Twilight would be more suited to rule by my side."

Luna's eyes grew wide when she heard this. She knew that Celestia had never treated Twilight that well and she knew that Trixie and Twilight had a rocky past. "Sister," Luna asked, "I know you and Twilight don't exactly get along. What do you think about Starlight's suggestion."

While Luna did know that Starlight was Celestia's daughter, she did not know the truth about Twilight's real origins. Celestia replied, "I fully support it and I will tell you why." She took in a deep breath and continued, "You see Luna, Starlight does have a fraternal twin sister. That twin sister is Twilight."

Luna's jaw dropped open when she heard this. She gasped, "Seriously sister? Twilight is your daughter too yet you have treated her so horribly?"

Celestia replied, "Yes. I have treated her the way I have because it is my way of testing her but when Starlight learned that not only am I her mother but that Twilight was her sister, she brought up my treatment of her and I have finally realized what I did was wrong."

Something then crossed Luna's mind, what having Twilight and Starlight ruling together would mean. She asked, "Is that really the truth or are you simply wanting to keep the leadership of Equestria solely in our bloodline?"

Celestia replied, "That is part of it but I do think Twilight is more suited." She then turned to Starlight and continued, "I know we have discussed this but I know for a fact that something will have to be done to not only ascend Twilight further but also restore Trixie to her former state IF you do choose not to marry her."

Starlight said, "Well after the way she treated Aunt Luna, I don't think I can bring myself to marry her and besides, with my new powers I can not only make Twilight an equal to me but also return Trixie to what she once was."

Both Celestia and Luna gave her a smile, approving of her suggestion. Celestia did have another question, "Starlight, Trixie will probably go to the press over this sudden change of plans and perhaps turn the populous against not just you, but Twilight, Luna and even me."

Starlight gave her a smile, "That thought was not lost on me. I was thinking that perhaps we could erase some of her memory, perhaps dating all the way back to before you sent Twilight to Ponyville. That way she would think nothing of any of us."

While Starlight had brought up memory spells to Celestia before, she did not expect her daughter to suggest something that extreme, "Really Starlight, you want to wipe all memories of you from Trixie?"

"And her memories of Twilight." Starlight replied, "Let's just think of it as being in the best interests of the security of the royal family. She does have a bad history with Twilight and I know her well enough to know that if she could bring down Twilight, she would gladly do so."

Luna commented, "Sister, I know this may seem extreme but Starlight does make a point."

Celestia replied, "Very well, that it shall be." She then turned to Starlight and continued, "So she will know what your plans are, reveal to Luna what you think needs to be done."

Starlight began, "Well what I think needs to be done is that you need to manipulate Trixie's sleep. To accomplish what mom and I have been planning, I was going to see if you could get her to go into a deeper sleep so I can cast the proper spell to return her to being a regular unicorn."

Luna added, "I can do that but what about this memory spell and her waking up in the palace?"

Starlight replied, "Well I have done a ton of studying that nopony knows about so I can cast the memory spell. Regarding her waking up in the palace, well her trailer is in Ponyville and I was thinking that maybe you could carry her in your aura and put her in her trailer and then when she wakes up tomorrow morning, she will have no memories of the past decade and will be very confused over there being a castle and a friendship school in Ponyville."

Luna gave her a smile, "Very well then Starlight. I would much rather see you and Twilight ruling side by side but what about her powers? It would seem unfair for you to have so much more power than her."

Starlight replied, "About that, since I have been ascended to have infinite powers, I would do the same for Twilight and then once it was all planned out, her and I would have our coronation ceremony."

Both princesses gave Starlight a smile and Luna said, "Well then, we just wait for Trixie to fall asleep and then we can pave the way for you and your sister to rule alongside one another."

"That sounds like a plan." replied Starlight

Three hours had passed and the three figured that Trixie was likely asleep. The three headed up to the bedroom where her and Starlight had been staying and she was indeed asleep. Luna approached Trixie and went into her dream. It would not be long until it was obvious that Trixie was in a much deeper sleep. Celestia nodded and gave Starlight a smile, "Alright sweetie, let's do this, let's ensure that there will be a new set of Royal Pony Sisters."

Starlight nodded and flared up her horn readying herself to do the spells. She decided that first she would do the memory spell since it would not take as long nor would it drain her any. She grabbed Trixie in her aura and began to concentrate on removing certain things from Trixie's memory. She had initially planned on wiping out the past ten years but she then decided on something simpler, something that would leave her with the energy she would need to return Trixie to being a unicorn. She simply decided to wipe herself, Twilight, Celestia, Luna, Thundercloud, Discord, Twilight's Ponyville friends and the friendship school from her memory.

Given that it was a rather simple spell and she was only erasing parts of her memory, it did not take long for her to get it done. When they heard a gasp come from Trixie, Starlight had a feeling that it had worked. She looked up at Celestia and said, "Well mom, there was the easy one. Now for the hard one, I just hope it isn't as draining as ascending a pony is."

She again lit up her horn, grabbed Trixie in her aura and began to focus on the task at hand. She wasn't completely sure how she was going to go about it but thought that perhaps it would work somewhat like a transfiguration spell. She focused on how Trixie used to look and how much magical power she had prior to her ascension. Her eyes began to shine white and the two became encircled in a ball. The process of removing power was much easier than ascending a unicorn into an Alicorn and giving her extra powers. In a matter of five minutes, the transformation was complete and there laid a Trixie that was smaller than she was, back to her normal size.

Once Starlight finished the spells, Luna came out of her dream and commented, "Well I know the memory spell worked because she was dreaming about you and Twilight but then suddenly both of you disappeared into thin air." She then looked at the slumbering unicorn and added, "And it looks like the other spell worked too."

"It did." replied Starlight, "And now we just have to get her back to her trailer before she wakes up."

Luna opened a window, grabbed Trixie in her aura and said, "Very well. I shall return her to her trailer and return before it is time to lower the moon."

Luna then headed out to return Trixie to her trailer. Once she was out of earshot Celestia said, "Well now, all we have to do is write your sister, let her know she needs to come up for her ascension and then the coronation for you two." She then began to giggle, "And the crowning of the new Royal Pony Sisters!" Her giggle turned into a full blown laugh, "The very naughty Royal Pony Sisters!"

Starlight blushed at the comment, "But that naughtiness will be between the three of us. Not even Aunt Luna can find out!"

Celestia laughed, "Oh I'm sure she has already visited plenty of lucid dreams you two have about one another so she knows, we just won't bring it up around her."

Starlight replied, "Good. Now to get some rest before writing Twilight tomorrow." Starlight then crawled into bed and continued, "Good night mom."

Celestia said, "Good night Starlight."

Starlight was somewhat worn out by the spells she had to cast but not too much. She did know though that she would have to be very well rested for the spell she was going to cast on Twilight. She had cast many complex spells in her life but she knew that even with her infinite powers that doing this would be by far the most difficult spell that she would likely ever attempt.

Post-Series Special 10: Summoning Twilight

Dear Twilight,

Well everything has been taken care of. Last night I cast a spell to erase a lot of us from Trixie's memory, you, me, our friends, Celestia, Luna, Discord and the friendship school from her memory. I then cast a much more powerful spell that returned her to being a regular unicorn like she was prior to Thundercloud ascending her. Now we won't have to worry about her causing us any problems or exposing what she knows about us to the public.

Now mom and I need you to come up to Canterlot so that I can ascend you and then we can plan the coronation where the transfer of power will take place and then we will become the Royal Pony Sisters. Now I would appreciate it if you could wait a couple of days because I do need to rebuild my strength after the spells I cast last night. Don't worry though, our time to rule is very soon and what a wonderful rule we shall have. I know Equestria will be in very good hooves once the closest pair of sisters in history take over.

Love,

Your Hot Sister

Dear Starlight,

That is sweet, beyond sweet! I am so glad that you did what you had to so that you and I can rule together. I will wait a couple of days to come up to Canterlot so you'll be at full strength but you are right, Equestria will be in very good hooves when we take over!

Love,

Your Sexy Sister

Dear Twilight,

Guess what? It is now official, I am letting you come home! I know you were mad as hell when I sent you to Ponyville and bitched for so long about just about everything and whined so much about wanting to come home but I never let you. Well you don't have to worry anymore. You get to come home and while we did discuss it earlier, you and your sister are more than welcome to move into my bedroom and what will make this great, you can stain the sheets all you want and you won't have to answer to anypony.

Love,

Mom

Celestia,

Well it is about time that this is guaranteed. You know I hated you for a very long time over banishing me to Ponyville and then all the other shit I had to go through but now that my future is certain and it involves living in the palace and ruling alongside my oh-so-sexy sister, I am happy. However, just because I am happy that I can come home and Starlight and I will rule together does not mean that I will go calling you mom or being all sappy and shit. Starlight may call you as mom right now but for now, the nicest thing I'll call you is Celestia.

Happy I Can Come Home,

Twilight

Post-Series Special 11: The Second Ascension (Live Action)

Two days had passed and in Ponyville, Twilight was very upbeat when she rose. After receiving her last set of letters from Starlight and the letter from Celestia, she knew that the time had come that she had been hoping for for so long, being ascended to a higher level and not too long after, taking over Equestria alongside her sister. Despite being so happy, she had done a good job of hiding things from her friends and even Spike because she knew that some of her plans would not receive positive reactions.

For the first time in as long as he could remember, Spike saw Twilight with a huge smile on her face. He asked, "Twilight, why are you so happy? I haven't seen you this happy since you were a filly!"

Twilight joyfully replied, "Is it a crime for me to be happy?" She then had to come up with a good lie, "I'm happy because Equestria is stable and it seems as though all the evil villains have been either reformed or turned to stone."

Spike was having a hard time believing him, "Uh-huh, sure." He then saw Twilight rushing towards the door and continued, "Twilight, where are you going? Aren't we going to have breakfast?"

Twilight did not pay any attention to him and immediately took off towards Canterlot. While she did still harbor some hatred towards Celestia, she was excited to go because she knew that Starlight would give her the powers she rightfully deserved and then after that, a huge double coronation for not just her but the one pony she cared about the most, her sister, Starlight Glimmer.

After twenty minutes of flying, she arrived in Canterlot and headed straight to the palace. Given that she was a princess, the guards let her pass without question and she immediately rushed to the throne room where she was greeted warmly by Celestia, "Twilight, it is so good to see you!"

Starlight also greeted her, "Twilight, are you ready for today?"

Starlight got down on her knees, spread her wings wide and Twilight immediately rushed to her. They embraced and Twilight replied, "You bet I am! So when will we be doing this?"

Starlight replied, "Whenever you're ready Twilight, whenever you're ready."

Twilight asked, "Well then, can we do it now?"

Starlight replied, "Of course!"

The two headed into the center of the throne room so Starlight could cast the spell. Starlight was very nervous about this as the spell even took a lot out of Thundercloud and he was thousands of years old while she hadn't been a goddess-tier Alicorn but for a few days. She grabbed Twilight in her aura, began to focus on transforming Twilight and her eyes began to shine white.

Very quickly the two became encircled in a bright white ball. As Twilight began to feel energy seeping into her, she was becoming ecstatic. She knew that soon her time of having the powers that she believed she should have had years ago was finally about to arrive. For Starlight, despite having infinite powers, the spell was taking a toll on her. Her head was beginning to ache and she was becoming fatigued. One part of her wanted to stop the spell but the more dominant part of her wanted to make her beloved sister happy and have her have the level of powers that she did.

Unlike it was with Thundercloud, it took several hours for the spell to be completed. It was a bit after noon when the ball finally popped and out of it emerged not one large Alicorn but two. Twilight stood tall and spread her much larger wings with a huge smile on her face. That smile would disappear though when her sister wound up collapsing on the floor. Twilight immediately rushed to her and screamed, "Starlight!"

When she knelt down by her, Twilight saw that Starlight was drained and had bags under her eyes. She asked, "Starlight, are you ok?"

Starlight let out a groan, "Yeah, I just need some rest, more like a lot of rest."

When Celestia heard this she ordered, "Twilight, let's get her to bed. She is going to need plenty of rest so she'll be alert when we plan the coronation."

Twilight helped Starlight up and said, "Let's get you to bed. You're going to need rest so we can plan our coronation."

Starlight nodded and the two headed towards the bedroom Starlight had been staying in since her arrival in Canterlot. Once Twilight got her laid down, she sat next to Starlight and grabbed her hoof. She had some tears rolling down her face as she began to sob, "I'm sorry Starlight. I'm sorry this took so much out of you."

Starlight gave her a weak smile, "It's alright Twilight. Once I get some rest, I'll be fine." Her smile became bigger as she continued, "You know something sister, both of us have infinite powers now! Soon we will have our coronation and we can rule Equestria OUR way and there will be nopony that can stop us!"

Twilight could tell that Starlight was already starting to feel better and snickered, "So think our longer horns will be more sensitive?"

Starlight laughed, "Well we'll find out on our coronation night now won't we?" Starlight then let out a yawn, "Well I'm going to try and get some rest now."

"Alright Starlight, sweet dreams." replied Twilight.

As Starlight laid there and eventually fell asleep, Twilight sat there holding onto her hoof with a smile on her face. She was admittedly happy that now she possessed the same powers that her sister did but other things began to cross her mind, things such as ruling together but most importantly to her, all the new ways they can please one another with their much larger bodies.

Post-Series Special 12: Planning the Coronation

Dear Starlight,

I would love to know why the hell you two are staying in the VIP bedroom for so long. I wouldn't think that ascending Twilight would take so much out of you given your powers OR are my girls engaging in some sisterly bonding? I don't mind if you are but if you are, please let me know so that my daughters can put on at least one show for me before Luna and I retire and go to Silver Shoals. You have no clue how badly I've wanted to see two Alicorns bigger than me get it on and the very thoughts of watching my daughters do it is making me so hot! Thinking about it is even making me want to join you in a threesome the night before your coronation. Wouldn't you two just love that, getting some action from mama? Well just hurry the hell up, I simply want to retire so I can go and bitch about my problems at the coffee shop with all the other old farts.

Love,

Mom

Mom,

Seriously, you want to get it on with us? Look, I know you did that with Twilight and her friends when she was your student but I highly doubt you'll want to get it on with TWO Alicorns more powerful than you and I am also going to let you in on another thing, as Twilight's older sister it is my job to protect her from any and all threats, even if that threat is our sex crazed mother wanting to buck her. Also, I do not think Twilight would be willing to put on a show for you either. You know she still hates you somewhat and perhaps the best way for you to cause her hatred to thaw is by just letting her be exclusive with me. Also, I highly doubt you'd want to piss off two ponies more powerful than you now would you?

Sincerely,

Soon-to-be Goddess Queen Starlight Glimmer

Dear Twilight,

I know you and your sister are probably busy giving one another horn sex or engaging in some other activity that is making me proud but I want to know something, can I join you and your sister in a threesome the night before your coronation? Starlight seems really against it and has brought up how much more powerful you two are than me and is against it but I want to know if you'd let me join you two. I'm sure you could butter your big sister up by letting her dominate you all the time if she'd let me join you two. I know you want one final bit of action from your mama Twilight, I know you want me to buck you one last time before you and your sister become exclusive lovers. Just admit it and I will join you two tonight!

Love,

Mom

Bitchlestia,

Seriously, you think I want you to join us tonight? Look, my sister and I both have infinite powers now and the only pony good enough for me is her and vice versa. Also, we will not give you a damn porno for you to hoof yourself to. If you want to buck somepony so bad, go buck Cadence after you retire because she'll put out for anything with a pussy or maybe you and Luna can buck each other and give US a free porno because I've always wanted to see you two in action. Anyway, for now Starlight and I need to get back to work so we'll be ready for tomorrow! See you then.

Wanting to See You and Luna Buck,

Future Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

To My Daughters,

Fine, go ahead and be stingy. I thought that you two would want to give your mama some lovin' before she retires but it is obvious that you two are too greedy to share your bodies with me. Oh well, once I retire I will just tell all the old folks that the new Royal Pony Sisters focus more on bucking each other than running the country!

Love,

Mom

P.S. Twilight, you have to understand that unlike you and your sister, Luna and I aren't into sisterly bonding so don't go expecting a free porno from us.

Post-Series Special 13: The Coronation (Live Action)

The following morning arrived and Starlight and Twilight were quick to rise. They knew that their day had finally come, they knew that before the day was out that they would be the ones ruling Equestria and would have a much larger bed to engage in their favorite activities on. As they were getting up they heard a voice, "Girls, up up. We need to have some breakfast and then Luna and I need to crown you two as leaders."

"Coming mom!" replied Starlight. Starlight then turned to Twilight and asked, "You ready for this babe?"

Twilight giggled and swatted her tail in Starlight's face, "Pet names already huh? Well hot stuff, you'll see how much of a babe I am tonight!"

The two gave one another a quick kiss before heading towards the dining hall where they were greeted by Celestia and Luna. Luna was somewhat tired given that she normally didn't stay up that late. She yawned, "Well are you two ready for today? Are you ready to take over?"

Unlike it was with Celestia, Twilight did not have any issues with Luna. She replied, "Yes Aunt Luna, we are ready for it."

Celestia gave the two a giggle, "And are my girls ready for tonight? Are you ready for your first night as rulers of Equestria?"

The two gave one another nervous smiles as they knew exactly what their mother was talking about but hoped that Luna figured that it would just be a night of what would hopefully be a peaceful night's rest. There were a couple of things Luna was curious about, "So, who will be taking my room and sister, where is their father? I thought he would be here."

Celestia replied, "Well there was an emergency in Sire's Hollow so he had to get home and then she got a huge smile on her face, "And my daughters, they will both......"

Starlight cut her off, "Well we haven't decided on who will move into mom's room and who will move into your old room."

"Very well then." replied Luna. She then turned to Celestia and asked, "So sister, will this be done like Twilight's crowning as a princess was going to be done or will it be done a different way?"

Celestia replied, "I'm not sure and" she then turned to her daughters and asked, "what title will you two be using? Will you still be using the title princess or given your powers, will you be using something else?"

Twilight stood taller and proudly stated, "My sister and I have talked and we have decided that we shall use the title Goddess-Queen."

Starlight too stood taller and added, "Mom, we have infinite powers so we may as well use titles that will represent us for what we truly are, Goddesses that are ruling Equestria."

Both sisters had their concerns. Luna said, "But the title queen hasn't been used since Queen Majesty of Dream Valley and given her attitude, that is what caused ponies to stop using the tile queen and go to using princess instead."

Celestia added, "And to add the title goddess in there, it makes you sound kind of arrogant."

Twilight replied, "But mom, I thought you would want us to do that. Remember how you bitched about me not wanting to show off how much better I was than everypony else when Trixie first went to Ponyville? Remember all the other times you told me that you didn't raise me to think I wasn't superior?"

Celestia replied, "Well yeah....wait a minute Twilight, did you just call me mom?"

Twilight continued, "Yes I did and maybe that will get you to finally realize that I am no inferior." She paused for a second before continuing, "Now my sister and I will use titles that assert us as everypony else's superiors."

Starlight added, "And given what I know about your past, I thought you would want your daughters to view themselves as better than everypony else."

Luna gasped, "Seriously sister, you have always told Twilight that she should behave like she is better than everypony else?" She then turned towards Starlight before turning back to Celestia and continued, "And what about Starlight? Have you ever told her the same thing?"

Celestia replied, "Yes I have told Twilight that and when it comes to Starlight, I never have because she already was better than everypony else but now my daughters are equals and BOTH are better than everypony else."

Her daughters blushed at the comment and then Starlight asked, "So what time will our coronation be?"

Celestia replied, "It shall be at noon so you two better go and ready yourselves while ponies begin to get seated in the throne room."

The two nodded and headed back towards their bedroom to wait for their time to come. When the two got there, they saw that there were still a couple hours until they would have to head to the throne room. Twilight suggested, "Starlight, I think we should arrive holding hooves and have our wings around one another." She gave her a nudge and added, "I don't care what ponies think, I want us to be known as the closest sisters in pony history."

Starlight gave her a smile, "I agree my sexy sister, I agree completely. Let's do that, let's show that unlike mom and Aunt Luna, we are close!"

Two hours had passed and Twilight and Starlight were laying on the bed in a loving embrace and then they heard a knock on the door and a voice, "Starlight, Twilight, your time has come."

Starlight replied, "Coming mom, coming!"

When they exited the bedroom, they were greeted by Princess Celestia. She noticed that her daughters had their wings around one another and were holding hooves. She gave them a slight look of disapproval and asked, "You two aren't going to hide your incestuous activities, are you?"

Both blushed and Starlight replied, "Well wasn't there a time in the distant past when pony sisters who ruled were like this? Wasn't it ok back then?"

Celestia replied, "Actually no. If the queens and princesses back in the very old days behaved like you two do, you'd likely be overthrown but given that you two have infinite powers, I suppose you can behave however you like." She saw them both get huge smiles on their faces and continued, "But when the press starts speculating that you two are engaging in incestuous activities and bucking non-stop, you can't just go throwing everypony into Tartarus, alright?" She developed a bit of a scowl and finished, "Now you do know I can still decide not to retire right?"

Twilight sighed, "Seriously, you're still thinking about not retiring?"

Celestia replied, "Look, if you two go out there clinging to one another like a couple in heat, it will make ME look bad. Now once the transfer in power is complete, you can do whatever you want but for now, please behave like normal sisters, ok?"

The two pulled their wings to their sides and stood apart. Celestia gave them a smile, "That's better. Now let's go and get this done. I'm sure you're ready to take over and I'm really looking forward to retiring into private life."

The two nodded and then followed Celestia towards the entrance to the throne room. When they saw that it was packed with ponies, Starlight became nervous. Celestia saw this and asked, "Starlight, what's wrong."

Starlight gulped, "I'm sorry mom but huge crowds make me nervous."

Twilight gave her a nudge, "It's alright, we will still have our personal space. It's not like they're going to be crowding us."

Celestia gave the two a smile and said, "Alright, you two wait here. I'm going to go in and address the crowd."

Celestia headed to the front of the throne room where Luna was waiting with a smile on her face. When Celestia reached the front, she turned around and began the address,

"Mares and gentlestallions, today marks a monumental day in Equestria. Today is the day that my sister and I have decided to retire and two ponies very close to me shall take over, two ponies that up until now were unknown to be related to me." She motioned for her daughters to enter the throne room and head to the front.

The crowd went silent as the two large Alicorns walked towards the front of the throne room. When they arrived to the front of the throne room they faced the crowd. Celestia and Luna stood on each side of them and Celestia continued, "For over a thousand years my sister and I have ruled Equestria. While Equestria has had its turbulent moments, with the defeat of Tirek, Chrysalis and Cozy Glow, I now feel that Equestria is safe and the time for my sister and I to retire has arrived."

She levitated her crown off of her head, fired a bolt of energy at it and then placed it on top of the elder sister's head. No longer did it resemble hers, it was more silver in color and had a gem in the shape and color of Starlight's cutie mark on it. She then levitated Luna's crown off of her and did the same before placing it on Twilight's head. The crown that she now wore resembled her first crown, it was gold with a gem in the shape and color of her cutie mark in it. Once both of her daughters had their new crowns on, Celestia announced, "The transfer of power is now complete."

She then got a smile on her face and announced, "And now I present to you for the very first time, Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle!"

The entire crowd gasped when they heard the title that Celestia had given them. The silence was deafening and seemed to last forever to the two new leaders but Celestia would break the silence, "I know nopony alive remembers a time when anypony other than a princess has ruled Equestria but my daughters have been ascended to a higher level." Celestia then went quiet before continuing, "They have been ascended to a higher level since we no longer have the Elements of Harmony to protect us."

The crowd then began to cheer and proclaim their love for the new leaders. This brought out a sigh of relief from the two, especially Starlight who was about to panic wondering if the ponies would see them as legitimate leaders or believe that they were put in power solely for being Celestia's daughters.

It would not be long until Celestia pointed her wing towards the exit and said, "Now you two must address the rest of the city. You need to win them over."

For Twilight this would be easy given that most everypony already loved her and knew her given that she grew up in Canterlot. The very thoughts of this terrified Starlight though as she had only ever given addresses to her old village and even those were short and in front of ponies she had under her control.

Celestia led the two to the balcony where Twilight had originally addressed the city so long ago. One thing the city did know was that not only was Celestia and Luna retiring but also knew that she was going to introduce those who would replace her. Twilight began her address,

"Hello everypony, I'm sure many of you remember how I was crowned as the fourth Alicorn princess of Equestria few years back. I have faced many challenges since then and now with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna retiring, I believe that all the challenges I have faced have prepared me for the challenges ahead. I promise that I will not let you down."

Twilight then touched Starlight with her wing motioning for her to step up. Starlight began her address, "Uh hi everypony. I am Starlight Glimmer, Princess Celestia's daughter. I have faced much adversity in my life including events that I am not so proud of but once I finally met who I would learn was my sister and she took me under her wing, she helped me learn about friendship and since then, I would say that I have learned a great amount about friendship and how to handle things in a proper manner. I look forward to being a good leader and making Equestria an even better place."

The crowd cheered after their addresses and Princess Celestia then stepped forward and announced, "Citizens of Canterlot, I am proud to present to you my daughters, Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle!"

The crowd, despite hearing them being announced as something much more than mere princesses, began to cheer loudly. Twilight and Starlight both smiled and waved before they headed back towards the entrance onto the balcony. While they were still in eyesight of some of the crowd, the two put their wings around one another and held hooves. When they got back in the castle Celestia saw this and asked, "How long have you two been doing that?"

Both mares bushed and Starlight replied, "Ever since we began heading back into the palace."

Celestia put her wing up to her face and sighed, "Couldn't you two have at least waited until you were out of eyesight of the crowd? Now ponies are probably going to think you two are much closer than sisters should be."

Luna suggested, "Sister, perhaps ponies will think that they are merely close sisters. Some sisters do show signs of affection and they don't do anything questionable."

Celestia replied, "Perhaps." She then began to head towards her bedroom and continued, "Well sister, let's get our bedrooms cleared out so Equestria's new leaders can have them tonight?"

Luna said, "Yes sister, let's make sure they will have their proper places to sleep tonight."

Once Celestia and Luna got out of eyesight, Starlight and Twilight gave one another a long, passionate kiss. When they broke this kiss Starlight gave her sister and fellow leader a smile, "Well my sexy sister, are you ready for this?"

Twilight returned the smile, "You bet I am my hot sister!"

Post-Series Special 14: Speculation in the Canterlot Chronicle

To the Citizens of Canterlot,

As you all know, recently Princess Celestia and Princess Luna retired and Celestia put her daughters on the throne. During their coronation ceremony, not only were they given the titles Goddess-Queen but also as they were leaving the balcony, many ponies saw them put their wings around one another and began to hold hooves. While the coronation ceremony in the throne room revealed that Celestia's daughters were ascended to a higher level since we no longer have the Elements of Harmony to protect us, what is your take on the New Royal Pony Sisters putting their wings around one another and holding hooves? Are they merely sisters or do you think they engage in other activities, activities that sisters should not engage in?

The Canterlot Chronicle

I tend to think that the two are simply close sisters. I have known Twilight for years, dating back to before she went to Ponyville and she does not remind me of the type to engage in activities like that with her sister. Yes she is a filly-fooler but she certainly would never get it on with her sister. I do not know Starlight at all but I don't think she would do that either.

Donut Joe

I personally think those two are much more than sisters. Princess Celestia is a deviant and I am certain she raised Twilight to be just like her. I have seen on many occasions on how the new pony sisters interact and I have seen the two kiss when they thought nopony was watching. Face it everypony, our new leaders are incestuous sisters and because of the higher ascension Celestia said that they got, there is not a thing we can do about it. All we can do is hope other leaders don't cut ties with us over this. Oh and to the incest sisters, if you are reading this would you please give Fleur de Lis back to me instead of giving her to Dr. Colgate and her degenerate friends like your amoral mother said she would?

Fancy Pants

I know both of these ponies and I know that neither one of them would ever engage in incest. Now I ask this of you Canterlot Chronicle, you remember what happened the last time somepony slandered somepony in the royal family? Do you remember how that pony was put in her place? While the new royal pony sisters are not incestuous, I am certain that they would have absolutely no problems shutting you down and throwing you all into Tartarus or making new decorations for the sculpture garden out of you for allowing this speculation to take place and I for one hope your punishment is swift and severe.

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Let me start out by saying that I am close friends with both Goddess-Queen Twilight and Goddess-Queen Starlight. I have known both for quite some time and I do know about the activities they engage in. I will admit, I know that they buck and buck a lot. Now this was before they found out they were sisters but I believe that the sexual passion between the two is simply too great for them to give all that up solely because they are sisters. Even worse, those two did not invite me or any of their other Ponyville friends for their coronation! I hate to say it but I bet it was so they could go and buck right after their coronation. I don't see anything wrong with it but I am certain that they probably buck even more now that they are leaders living in the palace.

Rarity

Um, well I will admit that I have known them for a very long time and they do spend a lot of time together. I know that Twilight often times needs Starlight to "calm her down" which pretty much means they sleep together. I know I probably shouldn't say this but sometimes it seems like they can't survive without one another. I'm sorry Twilight, I'm sorry Starlight but I just feel like this has to be shared.

Fluttershy

Post-Series Special 15: The Last Summons

Dear Rarity,

We have some things to talk about regarding your recent response to the speculation in the Canterlot Chronicle. We need you to get up to the palace ASAP and if you aren't here within 24 hours of receiving this letter, we will fly down there and get you ourselves and if we have to do that, you will not like the results. If you know what is good for you, you will get your ass over to the train station immediately.

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Twilight and Starlight,

I was merely speaking the truth because none of us were very happy that you didn't even invite us to your coronation. While Applejack simply thinks that you two were too distracted by such a huge event and tied up with activities with Celestia, I know better. I know you two can't go a single day without bucking and that was even with Starlight being with Trixie. I lurked outside your palace on many nights and heard the two of you squealing and moaning and while I never cared for Trixie, I felt bad for her that Starlight wouldn't commit to her. Fine, I will come up to the palace but the ponies of this country will not put up with two tyrannical incestuous leaders punishing their subjects over something so small.

Your Former Friend,

Rarity

Dear Fluttershy,

You just don't learn, do you? Do you not remember how my friends fucked you up the last time you pulled shit like this? Are you really that fucking stupid or do you simply have a shitty memory? Because of this stunt you pulled, the two of us are hereby ordering you to get your flank up to the palace in 24 hours of receiving this letter. Now if we have to come and get you ourselves, you will not like the results. Not only will your punishment be more severe but that vet, that junkie and every single animal at that stupid sanctuary of yours are going to die. So get your ass up here, NOW!

Sincerely,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer and Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Don't even try hiding out in Discord's realm. We have infinite powers now so we could easily go barging in and drag your ass out. If you try that and Discord tries to help you, he'll return to the sculpture garden, got it bitch?

Twibitch and Starbitch,

What the fuck? You are going to punish me for speaking the truth and you are going to kill my friends and animals if I don't show up. I suppose I will come up there but I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't go and kill them anyway.

See You Later,

Fluttershy

Dear Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,

I need the four of you to come to the palace tomorrow morning because I have a couple of presents for you coming, a couple of very sexy presents! One of them is a white unicorn fashionista who has shown signs of batting for the wrong team in the past and the other is a very sexy yellow pegasus, a pegasus you have wanted for a very long time. I have decided that those two must be punished for the libelous claims they made in the Canterlot Chronicle recently and I do have something else special planned. I am going to create titles for them and issue them to you four. They could legally get out of a marriage but if they are your property, they can't get out of your ownership! See you soon ladies!

Having Gifts for You,

Twilight

P.S. Don't worry, the two of us will transform you into Alicorns and cast Blueblood into Tartarus and you can have his palace. Also that money I denied you earlier, I'll let you have that monthly income and the whole thing about going and abducting any hot mare you want, we shall issue you a hunting license for that. Don't worry, I will cast longevity spells on your presents so you'll always have your slaves because it would suck to see you ultimately be without them and for them to one day lose their sex appeal.

Dear Twilight,

That is fucking sweet, beyond sweet! You have no idea how happy we are to know that we will be getting Fluttershy! Here for a long while we thought we would have to go without her but thanks to her response to the Canterlot Chronicle, she will be ours. We are also happy to be getting Rarity. Now remember, when you give them to us be sure and make sure they have bows in their manes! We shall see you tomorrow.

Happy as Larks,

Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Post-Series Special 16: Claiming their Prize (Live Action)

The following morning had arrived and the Royal Pony Sisters were in the throne room, waiting on their guests. Since Celestia and Luna had moved off to Silver Shoals, the two had been rather clingy, regardless of whether there were guards or maids present. One thing about Twilight and Starlight, they didn't care if other ponies knew about their activities as one small part of them found it incredibly hot that others knew they committed incest on a daily basis.

Finally the doors to the throne room swung open and a guard said, "Your Majesties, they are here."

In the throne room arrived Fluttershy and Rarity. The glares that they received from the sisters were intense. Starlight asked, "So Rarity, so Fluttershy, may I ask why you said what you did to the Canterlot Chronicle? May I ask why you made claims that the two of us commit incest?"

Rarity replied, "Because neither one of you invited us to your coronation and we felt that the nation needed to know the truth about you two."

Twilight grabbed Rarity in her aura and snapped, "Seriously Rares, you believed that making such accusations about the two most powerful ponies in existence was even remotely a good idea?"

Starlight grabbed Fluttershy in her aura and continued, "And you Fluttershy, I would think after what happened last time you made horrible claims about the royal family that you would know better."

Fluttershy was terrified. She knew that what she did was wrong and had no idea how she was going to respond. Starlight pulled her closer to her and ordered, "Explain yourself Flutters, why would you pull such a stunt, again?"

Fluttershy stuttered, "W-w-well.."

"Speak." snapped Starlight.

"W-well, I was just upset you didn't invite us." She then turned towards Twilight and added, "And I don't think......"

Twilight cut her off, "Oh you're going to wish you hadn't done this Fluttershy." She began to laugh, "Well my hot sister, shall we make them presentable?"

Starlight laughed, "Yes we shall my sexy sister!"

Starlight had no idea how exactly the two should look but Twilight did. She had the proper mane attire with her and began to style them just right. She couldn't help but laugh as she knew that this would make her old friends ecstatic. Once they were "presentable" Twilight sat them down in front of the two and laughed, "You know Flutters, now your mane is just like that of a hot little pegasus I once wanted to initiate, while I was under your control!" She turned to Starlight and added, "Our friends are going to love....."

Her sentence would be interrupted by a voice, "Your Majesties, your other guests are here to see you."

Twilight motioned for them to come in and in came Colgate, Lemon Hearts, Moondancer and Twinkleshine all with smiles on their faces. The moment they saw who was there Colgate gasped, "Really? Even though Discord made those threats those are for us?"

Starlight approached them and replied, "Yep, they're for you!"

Twilight grasped the two in her aura and levitated them to the four and added, "And their manes even have bows in them, just like what you find so hot!"

Colgate grabbed Fluttershy, gave her a deep kiss and giggled, "Oh Fluttershy my dear, you have no idea how long I've been waiting for this!"

Colgate and her friends took turns kissing the two before Colgate asked, "And what about everything else? What about Alicornhood, what about the castle, what about the monthly income and what about the license to abduct hot mares?"

Starlight replied, "Well we threw Blueblood in the dungeon to detain him before hauling him off to Tartarus tonight so his palace now belongs to the four of you." Her and Twilight grabbed two unicorns each in their aura and continued, "As far as the Alicornhood, we shall take care of that now."

Given that they weren't giving them an immense amount of power, the transformations didn't take long. They did give them all more power than what Celestia had in the past, immortality and some growth, they did not cause them to grow too big to where they wouldn't be able to have the most amount of fun with their presents as possible.

When they were finished Twilight said, "Well ladies, you have more power than my mom, you have your immortality and you have grown some but not enough that putting your whole horn in your presents would be impossible."

Starlight then used her magic to cause a couple sheets of paper to appear. She then levitated them along with a quill over to their friends and said, "These are the titles for Fluttershy and Rarity. Just sign them and they will be all yours!"

While they were signing the documents Colgate asked, "So what about Cadence? Weren't you going to make sure we got her too?"

Twilight replied, "Give us a couple weeks. We have a lot going on but by then I should be able to dissolve her marriage to Shining Armor and then haul her flank down here."

Moondancer asked, "About these two, will they be given longevity spells so we'll have them for quite a while."

"Of course!" replied Colgate.

The two then lit up their horns and cast the rather easy longevity spells on them. The spell caused a tingling sensation to the two and both knew what it meant. They knew that it meant they would suffer in the hooves of Twilight's old friends for many millennia. Fluttershy screamed, "You can't do this! Celestia will......"

Twilight grabbed her in her aura and corrected, "Our mother has retired and no longer has any say. We are the ones in charge now and given that all four of them have signed both titles, you are their PROPERTY now. You do what they say!"

Colgate grabbed Fluttershy in her aura and exclaimed, "Thank you Twilight!"

Moondancer did the same with Rarity and added, "Don't worry you two, we'll take extra good care of them!"

They dragged their new acquisitions towards the exit and towards their new palace. Starlight swatted Twilight's flank and asked, "So when shall we take Blueblood to Tartarus? I don't feel like us wasting resources on feeding him."

Twilight gave her a smile, "How about now. He isn't worth us having to give food to. At least in Tartarus, he won't have to eat."

The two swatted one another's flanks before retrieving the former prince from the dungeon and hauling him off to Tartarus. The two sisters were elated that they were able to justly punish two ponies who had the audacity to call them out in some speculation in the paper. Now they knew there were just a few more things they had to do, begin to build Equestria in their own way, to establish their own laws and most importantly, have plenty of fun.

Post-Series Special 17: A Letter to Mom (Five Years Later)

Dear Mom,

Well we decided to write you to let you know of some of the changes we have made.

I decided to take care of protecting this nation. I decided that a mere royal guard will no longer be enough given the threats out there. I have created a military that will protect our nation from foes, both foreign and domestic. I decided to dethrone Shining Armor and he is now in charge of the unicorn army. While he can't be everywhere at once, he is making decisions on where to place the ones most well suited for that region. I have placed Flash Magnus in charge of the pegasi and he has the same duties as his unicorn counterpart.

I have also created a national intelligence agency. Unlike it has been in the past, we now have spies stationed across not just Equestria, but the whole world. This way, hopefully we will not have any more surprise invasions like it was with the Storm King nor will we have to wait until an attack was to happen in the event that Tambelon was to rise from the depths and we have to deal with the real Grogar.

I have also been put in place of some domestic issues, such as travel to and from Equestria by both Equestrians and creatures from abroad. I believed that it was in the nation's best interests to monitor such travel so for creatures from abroad to come to Equestria, they must have a passport. Also, if our citizens travel abroad, they must have a passport to re-enter the country.

Regarding immigration, for right now Twilight and I have decided that it would be best if we do not allow outsiders to relocate to Equestria. If a time comes that we believe it will benefit the nation economically, we will perhaps allow limited immigration....but never will any creature from Klugetown be allowed in. ---Starlight

***

Mom,

While my elder sister, who is extremely hot might I add, has taken control of various aspects of governing this great nation, I have taken control of the others. For instance, Starlight and I have discussed things and we have decided that we shall continue to be in charge of issuing marriage licenses and like it was with you, very few hetero licenses will be issued each decade.

Also I have taken control of the education system from the EEA. I have decided that it would be best for the locals to operate the schools as they see fit since they know what is necessary in their region. Also, I have decided to require student visas for non-Equestrians to come and study here. The visas will not be cheap and there will not be very many issued because we do want to weed out those who may be undesirables and cause problems....and like it was with Starlight's immigration policy, no creature from Klugetown may come to Equestria to study.

Now when it comes to annoying things like court, the two of us have decided to charge ponies a fee for inconveniencing us along with a 10% cut of whatever money they may be awarded in monetary cases. We also only have it four days a week because we decided that Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays will be reserved for sisterly bonding unless there is either a national emergency or you and Aunt Luna was to come to visit. -- Twilight

***

Also, the two of us wound up giving Rarity and Fluttershy to our friends up here and a couple weeks after that, we dissolved Cadence's marriage to Shining Armor and she is now the property of our friends and all....hell we even made titles for them so that they will be legally recognized as the property of those four. Oh and on a final note, we threw Blueblood in Tartarus so our friends would have the castle they wanted....he was always a drain on resources anyway so everypony wins, right?

Your Daughters,

Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer &
Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Twilight and Starlight,

Sweet Mother Faust, you two have taken things to levels that I would never imagine. Starlight, I am very impressed with your concerns over national security. I can't help but wonder that if I didn't have your foresight and concerns over villains, perhaps Equestria may not have had so many issues during my reign. The real army thing will aid in protecting Equestria and the whole thing regarding the intelligence agency and having spies both abroad and at home is a stroke of pure genius!

I am also thrilled to see that you have decided to require passports for travel, again something I so foolishly overlooked during my reign. Now I am also glad that you aren't allowing outsiders to relocate to Equestria. It is obvious that you care deeply about not just Equestria but carrying on and improving upon my legacy.

Twilight, I am happy with what you have done as well. I am happy to see that you did not turn the marriage license approval over to local governments. I can only imagine how many horrible marriages would arise if such a thing were allowed. It is good to see that you are also carrying on my legacy and improving upon it. At least now I know I won't have to worry about Pinkie Pie marrying her R-63 self.

I also like the fact that you did away with the EEA and are allowing local governments to handle the local schools. I swear, I look at what you and Starlight are doing and realize that the two of you are smarter and have more foresight than I do. I am also happy to see that you have instituted this student visa program and that they will be few in number and won't be cheap. I know that you won't allow any undesirables to come in perhaps take advantage of our system and then head home, never to contribute to the economy of the nation that educated them.

I am so proud of you girls, you have grown so much over the time I have known you. Twilight, I do want to issue my deepest apologies to how I have treated you over the years. I know now that I was the worst mother in the history of Eqqus and that I deserve all the hate you showed for so long. I am happy that our relations did thaw and that you will think of me as your mother now.

Starlight, I too am sorry for what I did. I know I should never have just pawned you off on your father. I know that I should have raised both you and your sister myself, regardless of what the citizens of Equestria would have thought. Had I done what was right, I know you two would have likely grown up to become infinitely powerful without needing to be ascended that far....well that and Twilight not having to put up with PETA girl constantly denying her what she deserves. Again I am so proud of you two.

Love,

Your Very Proud Mother

P.S. I am so glad to see that Flutterbitch, Rarity and that easy niece of mine got what they deserved! I am certain that Colgate and her friends are having so much fun with those three. Hopefully they're being slobs and making their domestic duties more difficult!

Dear Mom,

There are a couple of other things that we wanted to bring up.

Now I'm certain when you looked in that crystal ball you saw all my Ponyville friends had moved on but that hasn't happened thanks to me, well except for PETA Girl and Rarity of course. I made sure that they stayed put to teach at the school but I did have to find a new generosity professor and a new kindness professor. I decided to hire Sugar Belle as the kindness professor since her legs aren't strong enough for apple bucking and I made a real sweet offer to Coco Pommel to come and teach generosity so don't worry, the school is running fine. Also, Starlight cast a come to life spell on her plant Phyllis and it is doing a great job running the place! Don't think I didn't forget about the need for a guidance counselor either, I wound up hiring Iron Will for that job and those students certainly have a lot more confidence and are becoming very assertive!

Now as you know I am running the magic school now and I found myself in a bit of a pickle, one you're probably very familiar with. There is this one student, Luster Dawn, who is really good at magic. Now she still isn't as good as I was at that age but she does have a problem when it comes to socializing and making real friends....sounds so familiar! Anyway, I and Starlight decided to create a holiday to celebrate our superiority and how we are making this nation even better. The host for the most recent celebration was Ponyville so I sent her down to help set things up.

Now you're probably going to get a laugh out of this. I told her that she would have to make friends if everything was to go right. Now I did troll her bad because I talked to Pharynx and had him transform into some evil monster that Luster and the ponies I found for her to make miserable, I mean befriend, to run out of town. Well Luster still hadn't befriended anypony yet but the funny thing is that it was Starlight's protege that got Pharynx to return to his own form. Now isn't that hilarious, it was up to my protege but it was Starlight's that gets the job done? If I didn't get so much joy out of making Luster Dawn miserable, I'd simply drop her and make her lousy parents take her back.

Now I have a magic student who is constantly writing to me bitching about how she wants to come home, claiming she could have learned enough to ascend herself into an Alicorn and rule the country had I not banished her to a third world hellhole. Hey, that little bitch should be glad I'm letting her live in the castle down there! I could have forced her to move to the apple farm and had Applejack put her to work! Now for what is the funniest, there is this relative of PETA girl's that lives in her cottage down there named Bunny Tracks. She is a pegasus and Luster is failing constantly in her fruitless attempts to initiate her and whining non-stop! It is hilarious, bucking hilarious to see her be so miserable!

Oh and you remember that worthless guard who hit on me when I returned from the human world? Well Starlight and I have been studying some very ancient spells and I learned a really neat one. I cast a spell to imprison him in a painting and then I burned the painting, ridding Equestria of him. Starlight did something similar to Sunburst but I'll let her tell you about it. Anyway, we've been having fun making Equestria a better place, punishing undesirables with ancient spells and of course our three day weekends of sisterly bonding are always the best! -- Twilight

P.S. In the event you are wondering what happened to Spike, I decided to loan him to Luster Dawn because we had no spare dragon eggs and both Starlight and I felt it was beneath us to have to go out and find one for her to hatch. For now, Spike is being disobedient (upon my orders) and is making Luster's life more miserable than it would be without him. I swear, after sisterly bonding, seeing Luster being miserable is the best thing there is!

***

Mom,

I'm pretty sure you are impressed with all the things Twilight has done but I have done good things of my own. You know how competitive Twilight and I have always been? Well I decided to open my own magic school and take in my own protege, Bright Beam and she is one hell of a good protege. She is one of those types that is constantly outshining her friends, both in the classroom and the bedroom.

Now I did want to give her a challenge but let me tell you a little something about how she got that challenge. You know how Sunbust or whatever the fuck his name was took on the role of vice-schoolmaster down there in Ponyville? Well I heard he had been flirting with some of the female students down there so I went down to Ponyville to take care of that problem. You see, Twilight and I have been studying ancient spells so I used him as a guinea pig for one of them. I cast a spell to cause him to melt into a pool of liquid and then boil away so he is no more! Pretty sweet, huh?

Now back to Bright Beam, she is so good at magic and friendship that I put her in as vice-head mare down there and she is doing a spectacular job! I am so proud of her and who knows, I may decide to bring Phyllis up to the palace eventually and have Bright Beam become the full blown head mare down there because the students do seem to like her. What a shame though that Twilight's protege turned out to be such a disappointment. Now will Bright Beam ever do enough to earn her wings, I'm not sure. Thing is, there really isn't much in the way of threats or anything to warrant transforming more unicorns into Alicorns but if she remains well liked at the school, I may cast a longevity spell on her because hey, a good head mare will bring in more students, right?...anyway, Love ya mom! --- Starlight

P.S. Another thing about Bright Beam, it was her who stopped this monster that attacked our festival when it was Twilight's protege that was supposed to do so. I'm so proud of her, she is a true gem! Twilight's protege though, not so much. She couldn't even get Twilight and I our meals in a timely manner so we had to use magic to reheat them!

To My Daughters,

I swear, you two make me prouder with each passing day. What you two did with those undesirables was amazing! Those ancient spells are pretty amazing and to think, had any of us thought to study those back in the day we could have literally turned PETA girl into a tree but hey, Colgate and her friends got a good maid and sex slave out of her so everything turned out just fine there.

I had always hoped that Flash Sentry and Sunburst would meet untimely deaths, especially cool ones. I can only imagine how Flash's screams of pain must have been as the flames consumed the painting Twilight imprisoned him in and I can only imagine how horrible the pain must have been for Sunburst as he boiled away into nothing. I suppose now we have more ways, much funner ways, to punish undesirables when we need to rid this world of them. My advice, let's start with the hydras and the tatzlwurms and then work our way from there. Those things are a genuine threat to Equestria and if we can eradicate them, the country will be safer.

Oh and Twilight, if Luster causes you too many problems, cast a longevity spell on her, make her suffer for a few hundred years and then do the whole painting thing.....and don't forget to fine her parents!

Your Very Proud Mother,

Celestia

P.S. Twilight, I am glad you told Spike to be disobedient and make Luster's life even worse. You'll have to let me know if you eventually break her the way I broke Sunset Shimmer, Radiant Hope and every other protege before you. I hope you're able to string her along for a hell of a long time before breaking her because it certainly sounds like she isn't deserving of getting wings and is deserving of suffering and suffering a lot.

Post-Series Special 18: Freedom!

To the Royal Pony Sisters,

It has been many years since I have been able to see the only pony who ever truly considered me a friend and I am certain that not only does she miss seeing me but she is likely miserable being the sex slave and domestic servant of your old friends. Now I know you are infinitely powerful but I could cause your reign to crash and burn. Unless you free both Fluttershy and Rarity from being the property of those friends of yours, I will create tons and tons of bits and crash the economy.

Back when I was trying to plan the perfect tea party for Fluttershy, I created bits to pay for everything. I could do the same thing but to spare the value of the Equestrian bit, you will have to force your friends to free Fluttershy and Rarity. Don't go thinking that I won't do it because I will. Do you really want ponies blaming you two for the collapse of Equestria's economy? You could very well go down in history as the worst leaders in Equestria's history. It is your choice though, free those two or the economy crashes and burns.

Looking Out for Rarity and Fluttershy,

Discord

Dear Discord,

Seriously, you would crash the economy over something that small? Why the hell would you care so much about them. I get it, Fluttershy was your first friend but Rarity? Well we do know that you would do this so tell you what, we'll let them go as long as you promise to not crash our economy. Now get your flank up to the palace tomorrow morning and you can claim them. I do know that our friends won't be happy but they do have permits to go abduct every hot mare so I suppose that will suffice.

Sincerely,

The Royal Pony Sisters

Dear Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,

Ladies, I hate to tell you this but something has come up and I need you four to come to the palace. You need to bring Fluttershy and Rarity too. You will also need to bring their titles because Discord is threatening to crash Equestria's economy if you don't release them. I know you are going to be pissed but remember, you do have Cadence and you have those licenses to hunt down any hot mare you want. I need you to come to the palace tomorrow morning, alright?

Sincerely,

The Royal Pony Sisters

To the Royal Pony Sisters,

What the fuck? We have to release these two after everything they said about us? We have to release them after Fluttershy's treasonous activities in the past? Well we suppose we will come and give them to you but do know this, we may go out and find a ton of hot mares to abduct to make up for this, ok?

Mad as Hell,

Colgate, Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine and Moondancer

THREE DAYS LATER

To the Royal Pony Sisters,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you so much for freeing Fluttershy and I from being the property of your old friends. Fluttershy would write you right now but she is psychologically scarred and only feels comfortable communicating with me and Discord right now. We are currently hiding out in Discord's realm and he even had the courtesy to create bedrooms for both of us. Now don't you dare come and try to drag us back to your old friends because if you do, Discord will happily crash Equestria's economy.

Happy to Be Free,

Rarity

P.S. You want to know the shit that we had to go through? I was forced to clean that huge palace for twelve hours a day and then when I wasn't doing that, they cast these horn enhancement spells on themselves and were very rough with me. However, I got it off easy compared to Fluttershy and Cadence. They cast those spells on themselves and forced Fluttershy to lay there and allow them to horn rape her non-stop. Colgate however was the roughest with her and gave it to her the longest per session. Cadence would get it rough too but I heard them talking about how they would stay up at different hours and force Cadence to put out all day, every day. I heard them saying that she would never have a moment without a horn ramming her violently ever again unless it is a dire emergency. She even had to put up with moments where they were raping her in both ends at the same time. Her cries of pain were so horrible. She would beg for them to stop and they'd only be rougher with her. I really think that you should free Cadence and revoke those four's licenses to hunt down random mares to make their property. If you two truly were nice ponies, you'd do that.

Dear Rarity,

Look we freed you two so you should be happy. What they do with Cadence is none of our business nor do we care. Also, we are not nice ponies so we have no plans on forcing them to give up Cadence nor do we plan on revoking their hunting licenses either. You see Rarity, since we have ascended to a much higher level, we are exclusive now but Cadence does have to be treated like the slutty little thing she is and those four do treat her "very well." Just don't worry about her and everything will be fine!

Sincerely,

The Royal Pony Sisters

Final Post-Series Special: Proteges' Correspondence

Dear Twibitch,

You know what, I am going to flat out say it. You are a bitch, a horrible, amoral, incestuous bitch who has done nothing but shit on me ever since I entered your school. You pretty much forced me into a situation where my schoolmates could horn rape me if they wanted to even though I was the smartest of the six of us. You constantly made me work harder than the others and you always seemed to treat the others like they were close family members while I was always the outcast, I was always the one you only associated with if you either needed some special event set up or you and your sister needed somepony to bring you your meals in bed during your "sisterly bonding" weekends. Hell I'm surprised you didn't force me to join you two the same way Celestia forced her female students into bed with her.

And then you decide to banish me to this third world shithole full of mindless hicks that are too stupid to be worthy of my presence. I mean seriously, you sent me down here to set up a festival and then banish me because of my ambition? I know I said that I could eventually learn enough to ascend myself but from what I understand, you did the same thing when you were the protege of that bitch mother of yours so who the fuck are you to do the same thing to me?

Another thing, that dragon you decided to loan me is a disobedient little bastard. He won't clean the castle like he is supposed to, he won't cook my meals like he is supposed to, he won't re-shelve the books like he is supposed to and he won't try and lure Bunny Girl into my sex deprived, very needy hooves. I either demand a replacement or you go find a dragon egg for me to hatch so I can raise an obedient one instead of putting up with this lackey of yours that is likely making my life miserable upon your orders.

Also, I know that after three years Bitchlestia ascended you into being an Alicorn for fixing Starswirl's spell. I would think that me putting up with three years of dealing with idiots unworthy of my presence and having to put up with getting shot down again and again by Bunny Girl should be more than enough for you to ascend me and make me a princess and then eventually take over for you and your sister. Just think of it, if I did that, you two could engage in your disgusting "sisterly bonding" seven days a week instead of just three and then every night.

Don't think I don't know about all the incestuous activities you and your sister partake in. I know why the hell you always had substitutes teaching all of us on Fridays. I know you two can't go very long without being together. I see how you two constantly have your wings around one another and hold hooves during festivals and I've seen you two sucking face openly in public like you don't even care what others think of you. You two can go off on this whole "ancient sister tradition" bullshit involving close sisters but I have studied my history and I know for a fact that the leaders of the times before Equestria would likely be overthrown had they engaged in your type of activities....well that and homosexuality was not only rare but frowned upon back then.

You know what? I don't even know why I fucking try. I know that I will never do anything to make you happy and that outside of bucking your sister, making my life miserable and making the lives of everypony down here miserable is what makes you happy. I know a fair amount about your mother and the shit she did to her proteges, even you and I will say this. You Twibitch are even worse than your mother could have ever dreamed of, everything you do is horrible.

Let's see, you buck your sister, you imprisoned a guard in a painting and then burned it solely because he had a crush on you, you dissolved a marriage solely so you could give who was the princess of the Crystal Empire to those horrible friends of yours as a present and what really pisses me off is that you fine and tax my parents over the tiniest things. You fine them over everything from me or Spike causing a bit of property damage all the way down to me using fucking profanity in my letters to you.

Hell maybe I should just go jump off a cliff or go get eaten by the hydra to escape this shit and then you can go fuck your sister to celebrate me killing myself.

Hating Your Guts,

Luster Dawn

Dear Luster Dawn,

First off, that is Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle to you and don't you forget it. For the level of disrespect you have shown in this letter, I am going to fine your parents 50,000 bits and if they can't afford to pay up when I go to collect what they owe me, they will be busy cleaning the toilets in the palace with their tongues for a month....hell maybe I should force you to clean the toilets down in Ponyville with your tongue for a month for this behavior too. Also, if you were to kill yourself, I would cast a longevity spell on your parents and they'd be busy cleaning the palace toilets with their tongues for all eternity and only get one meager meal a day so before you go contemplating suicide, think about your parents. Got that bitch?

I do have something else I must tell you, when your parents enrolled you in my school they were too stupid to read the fine print that stated that they were signing you over to me as though you are my property. Hell I even have the title to you up here, a title just like what my friends up here have for Cadence and what they used to have for Fluttershy and Rarity before they had to surrender them. Now while Cadence become the sex slave of my old friends, I would never do that to you. Want to know why? I would never do that to you because you aren't even remotely good enough to join me and my sister in the bedroom....hell that is probably why Bunny Tracks won't let you initiate her. She knows what a horrible, dirty little bitch you are and doesn't want to become contaminated by you.

You want to know why I "banished" you to Ponyville? I did it because your parents were complaining about what a self-entitled little cunt you are and how you demand nothing but the best presents for Hearth's Warming and to celebrate that Faust forsaken day that you were cursed upon this world. Perhaps allowing you to live in the castle down there is stunting the character growth we had all hoped you would get....or maybe it is preventing it entirely. Perhaps I should just have a small shack built down there and force you to move into it. I have decided, if your attitude doesn't improve in one year I will do exactly that, you would deserve it.

Also, if you think that you'll ever be deserving of getting wings you're delusional. You have done nothing but disappoint me time and time again. You always screwed up in one way or another when it came to setting events up here in Canterlot up, my sister and I almost always had to use our magic to reheat the food you brought to us in bed since you weren't competent enough to get it to us in a timely manner and there was that one time where you didn't put enough icing on our cake.

And you have also disappointed me down there as well. You didn't get that horrible monster ran out of town and to make matters worse, it was my sister's protege who got it calmed down and caused it to reveal that it was a changeling, one of Starlight's friends. You have also failed to befriend those rejects I cursed upon you and if you would just convince your parents to give you money to give to Bunny Tracks to allow you to initiate her, I might consider either giving you one wing or not sawing your horn off which is something that has crossed my mind.

I am also considering something else, I'm thinking of maybe making you a temporary maid/sex slave for my friends up here. I know you'd love them, especially Colgate because she'd be rough as hell with you, hell she'd probably triple the size of your love canal after just a few sessions and the others, they'd make sure you knew who was boss in a big hurry too.

So if you know what is good for you, you will lose the attitude, you will actually attempt to be a semi-decent individual and you will help out on the apple farm, even if it means breaking your legs in what I know would be a feeble attempt at apple bucking. And one more thing bitch, remember that I OWN YOU, literally!

Your Master and Overlord,

Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle

Dear Goddess-Queen Starlight Glimmer,

I just thought I'd write you and say hi. Again I want to thank you for this wonderful opportunity you have given me. Being Vice-head mare down here has certainly been a learning experience! I will admit, at first I was nervous that the students wouldn't like me but I have won the teacher of the month award for six months straight even though I only fill in for when one of the actual teachers are ill! They seem to love the field trips I take them on. Here recently I took them down to Las Pegasus to catch a few shows and do some sightseeing and they really enjoyed it. Now I hope you won't be mad at me but after they had all turned in for the night, I went to the casino and won 5,000 bits at a slot machine. Don't worry, I'll use my winnings for supplies the school needs, honest!

I also want to thank you again for doing what you did to the ex-vice-schoolmaster down here so I could have this opportunity. I know you didn't like him and I know he was engaging in activities that nopony in the education system should ever engage in. My only regret was that I was unable to see you do it to him, that would have been really fun to watch. Well hopefully I'll get to see you work your punishment magic on somepony who needs to be punished severely someday! I hope to see you soon!

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Dear Bright Beam,

How many times do I have to tell you that you don't have to be formal with me? Just call me Starlight, it would make me feel more comfortable. Anyway, I am thrilled to see that you are doing so well and that the students like you so much. Now I have been hoping to make this a surprise for quite a while but I just can't contain myself anymore. I am planning on using a spell to transform Phyllis back into a regular plant, albeit an immortal one, and bringing her home at the end of the year AND Twilight and I have talked and we both agree that you should be the head mare. Even though you are my protege, we have also agreed that you will get paid for your services, pay that would surpass what schoolmasters in other parts of the country would get.

I am glad to see that your students liked the trip to Las Pegasus and don't worry about the trip to the casino. I'm not mad at all but I do think you should spend those winnings on yourself. I know how much you love pinball so if you wanted to buy your own personal pinball machine for your quarters, go for it!

I do want to let you know that not only am I extremely proud of you, so is Twilight. She has mentioned on many occasions how she wishes that you would have been enrolled in her school but your parents felt mine would be the best for you and I'm glad they did. While I never plan on having any children, I could see you being that wonderful daughter that would always make me proud. Don't worry, I'll come check in on the school soon and I'll take you out to lunch. See you soon!

Sincerely,

Starlight

Bright Beam,

What I would like to know is why Starlight likes you so much? Why is it that Tiwbitch treats me like shit yet Starlight treats you like you're more valuable than gold? Twibitch banishes me to this shithole and expects me to do menial things and hang out with losers who aren't even worthy of being in my presence. However, Starlight has you come down here and you wind up being the vice-head mare of the school of friendship. What the fuck do you have on Starbitch? Did you somehow get the royal pony sisters on video bucking one another and you are using that as blackmail material? Is that why Starbitch is so good to you?

Perhaps it is even worse. Perhaps she is so good to you because you do nothing but kiss ass and catered to every single little thing your precious mentor wanted up in Canterlot. Was that it? Was it a matter of you of you being a pathetic "yes mare?" I honestly think that you are even worse than all these worthless hicks down here are. At least they're not all ass-kissing doormats like you. At least they don't kiss ass to get ahead in life. You may be enjoying your nice cushy job at that friendship school but at least I have dignity, at least I don't kiss my mentor's ass and lick the shit off of it. I may not be living a charmed life right now but at least I have my pride.

So Much Better than You,

Luster Dawn

Luster,

Just listen to yourself here. There is a reason why Goddess-Queen Twilight sent you down here to set up that festival and then decided to have you stay. She thought that maybe some time in a smaller community would do you some good and you even get to live in her old castle! I would think you would be happy.

No, I do not "kiss ass" to get ahead. I have been a good student during my whole time in Starlight's school, I have worked hard on my magic, I have made plenty of friends and that is why she thought I would be good for the job. When you do a good job and prove that you are ready to advance, you advance. I did just that but I think you have some problems that will have to be addressed before you can move on to a better situation.

I think first and foremost, you need to lose this superiority complex you have. It is obvious to tell you have one given the way you behave. Second, you need to stop thinking the world owes you everything. I remember that one joint gathering between Twilight and Starlight's school and almost everypony in both schools was nice and respectful to everypony, everypony but you. I remember how you went off on the servers over how the food did not meet your expectations and you flew off the handle when you didn't receive that award for most sociable magic student.

I am going to give you some advice, just calm down and take the events in life as they come. Most importantly though, be respectful to Twilight because she is the one who controls your destiny. Perhaps had you been respectful to her she may have sent somepony else down here to set up that festival and then had them stay to make friends. I hate to say it but you brought this upon yourself Luster. It is your unpleasant demeanor that has caused everypony to either hate you or at least not want to have to associate with you. If I weren't the nice caring pony that I am, I wouldn't be giving you this advice. Just take what I have said into account, it could lead to a much brighter future for you.

Sincerely,

Bright Beam

Dear Ass Kisser,

Gag me with a spoon and ram a fork down my throat. I know you really don't care about me. Hell the only reason you're trying to be all nice with me and give me this advice is so the royal incest sisters will think even more highly of you than they already do. Hell Starbitch probably promised you the position of head mare if you could get me to try and give an ounce of respect to that incestuous bitch of a mentor that thinks I'm her property. Guess what, I'm not falling into that trap. I'm not about to help you ascend to the position of head mare by being all nicey-nice to Twibitch.

I have some advice for you now. Just leave me the fuck alone and stop trying to use me to further advance yourself. I have much more important things to worry about than aiding in moving you up the ladder. I have worthless morons I have to try and not kill, a disobedient piece of shit dragon to discipline and a doormat pegasus to go and try and initiate into my circle of friends. Have fun being nothing short of a tool of the incest sisters bitch!

Hating Your Ass-Kissing Guts,

Luster Dawn

Author's Note

Well everypony this is the end of "Unpleasant Correspondence." I do hope that all of you have enjoyed it. I do have a question though, would anypony be interested in a series involving Twilight and Luster Dawn? As you can see in this letter, those two despise one another and the letters would be even more hostile than anything Celestia and Twilight ever had......and no, Luster is not Twilight's daughter nor is Bright Beam Starlight's daughter since neither have ever had any children.

Friendship is Magic: Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the hell is up with this? I want to know why the hell you decided to send me to some tiny shit hole I can't even find on a map? Oh that's right, it is because you're too damn lazy to set up your own celebration. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you sent me away so you could screw one of my so-called friends since I'm probably not good enough for you anymore.

After I arrived in this hell hole I was suddenly confronted by five of the most annoying ponies on the face of the planet! One of them already wanted to be my friend and forced me to eat so much I looked like I was knocked up by the time I was done with her. Another is a narcissistic bitch who is slacking on the job so she can practice for the Wonderbolts. The third is even more annoying and suddenly Spike wants to screw her. The fourth is a pegasus with a shitty song bird choir and to make matters worse, she is scared of her own shadow. Finally, the fifth doesn't know libraries are supposed to be quiet and likely has an undiagnosed case of ADHD.

At least they proved to not be completely useless and aided in getting this worthless festival of yours set up but then this bitch I read about in a dusty old book just had to come and crash this party. Oh well, your party was turning out to be boring as hell and at least she livened things up a bit. I just hope the hell this doesn't keep me away for too long, I've had my eyes on Twinkleshine and I'm going to be pissed if I can't get with her.

Your pissed off student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I get it, you're all pissy because I sent you away so I could screw those so-called friends of yours. Now I would have decided to send you to a festival in Tartarus or maybe the moon but even I'm not that big of a bitch. I have a news flash for you Twily, your parents are the ones who convinced me to send you down there, they don't like your snobby attitude and figured some time in a small hell hole would do you some good.

About those ponies you are having to put up with, they do sound annoying but who knows, maybe they'll get you more down to earth like your parents wanted. Oh and about that pegasus that is slacking on the job, just tell her to either get to work or I'll feed her to some timberwolves and emphasize how I have no use for lazy bitches like her.

About this whole festival and your constant complaining about me sending you there to put it together. You are a great organizer and are far less likely to be distracted by things such as cake and other attractive mares so get over it. I want a festival worthy of my greatness and they aren't bright enough to put it together themselves.

And also about the pony who crashed the party, good for her. That hell hole could use some excitement for a change. Now could you do me a favor and quit your bitching? I haven't had my cake yet and my patience with you is already wearing thin.

Sincerely,

Your bitchy overlord

Fall Weather Friends

Dear Princess Celestia,

I want to know something, what the hell is wrong with the seasons down here? It wasn't that long ago that I had to help these hacks clean up winter and now all of a sudden it is fall? I knew this place was screwed up from the moment I got here but I didn't know it was this screwed up. If they are going to expect me to help them make winter or whatever dumb shit they do to bring it in, screw that shit. I've dealt with changing the seasons down here once and I don't want any part of it.

One thing that really doesn't surprise me though is that my two biggest tom boy acquaintances are now trying to figure out who is the better athlete. Seriously, they are going to have a competition and bicker over that? My first instinct was to skip town, come beg you to let me back in school or go to the spa but eventually my curiosity of wanting to see how these two idiots did in their competition won over.

Their competition, an Iron Pony competition, it was just a lousy competition to see who was better at this and better at that. Now at first this seemed fine until Rainbow started cheating. Given that I was the judge, one part of me wanted to disqualify her but a much larger part of me simply wanted to get it over with and then take care of more important items on my agenda.

With that over, I figured things would be fine until I learned that there was this event called The Running of the Leaves. As you know I'm no athlete and normally I would have no desire to take part in such an activity but I figured that perhaps it wouldn't be so bad so I decided to compete.

Of course I knew that without a plan I would likely not do well in this race so I decided to read up on the subject of racing and I found a way to maybe win the race and put my overly competitive acquaintances in their place.

Now for what pissed me off, my acquaintances made fun of me for taking part in the race and my love of reading. What a couple of bitches and you expect me to accept them as friends? No way in hell will I ever do that, especially after that shit.

Now regarding that race, I honestly don't know if Rainbow and Applejack know what a race really is and I'm certain they don't know that we're supposed to actually shake the leaves off the trees instead of tripping one another. Speaking of shaking the leaves off the trees, can't we have things be normal around here? Can't we just let the wind blow them off instead of making this into something much more grandiose than it is.

I couldn't help but laugh as I saw all the antics those two were partaking in as they tried to prove which one was better. Now you know what I think? I think they need to realize that it doesn't matter who is the best athlete, they just need to focus on shaking the damn leaves off the trees and get over themselves.

The end of the race was hilarious though. There were those two fighting as they crossed the finish line and I broke down laughing when they finished last. Guess who won though, ME! Yep, now not only am I Ponyville's smartest pony, I'm its fastest pony too and I have a nice shiny gold medal to prove it as well! Oh and since I won this thing, where is my festival? I think that since they throw festivals and parties for everything else, I should get one for being better than them.

Perhaps now these hacks down here will know how truly superior I am to all of them. I'm smarter, I'm faster and overall I'm simply better than they ever will be.

Your Superior Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Allegedly Superior Student,

Well shit on a stick, I sent you down there to perhaps become more down to earth but now that you have yourself a nice shiny medal, you think you're more superior than ever. I will admit, I'm happy that a Canterlot pony wound up beating a bunch of hicks at their own game. Please though, don't continue to boast about how much better you are than them because you don't want to become more hated than you already are now do you?

Look, I've told you more times than I can count about the spell Luna and I cast so long ago so quit your damn bitching, alright. I know your number one hobby in this world is to bitch and complain about everything in that town to me but I honestly don't care as I've grown used to your bitching.

Now I did see the race and I must say that it was rather entertaining although the best part was not you earning yourself a medal, it was all those peons bowing down before me and the cake that was present as well. Watching you win was fun but feasting on cake was so much funner.

Your Proud Overlord,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am pissed off though that you did not disqualify Crash in that Iron Pony competition. She cheated in every single event past the midway point! Now I was thinking of loaning you something white and pink for a couple of days for beating those hicks but since you let a cheater win, forget that! She is staying with me!

Hiatus Special: Twilight's Rants & Request

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ok, it has been one whole year since you sent me to this dilapidated dump and I have a question for you. Don't you think I have been punished enough? I mean seriously, did you send me down here to study friendship or did you simply send me down here to see if I would break? I certainly hope it is the latter because I think I have done a damn good job at keeping myself from killing these five inferiors.

Just think, had you let me stay up in Canterlot, I probably could be closing in on if not exceeding Starswirl's abilities. I was already incredibly talented but had I not been denied access to immense amounts of knowledge, I could have probably accomplished enough magical feats that I could have found a way to transform myself into an Alicorn and rule this country.

You must truly feel ashamed that you have prevented the most intelligent unicorn in all of Equestria from fulfilling her destiny. Was this your plan all along, to take me in as your protege as a filly and then troll me by sending me to some backwater town that most ponies can't find on a map? If so, that shows what a trolling bitch you truly are.

Also, couldn't you have at least found ponies down here that would be worthy of being in my presence? My guess is no because outside of Aloe and Lotus, none of these ponies are even deserving of me talking to them. I only do so because writing them messages would be too much of a pain in the ass and a waste of paper.

Tell you what, I'll stop bitching entirely if you will simply let me come home and resume my studies. I'll study harder than ever before and I will make you proud. Hell, I will even prepare you cakes and bring them to you in bed every single morning if you'll just let me come home!

Your Very Homesick Student,

Twilight Sparkle

To My Very Homesick Student,

You know something, I was actually considering letting you come home UNTIL you mentioned turning yourself into an Alicorn and running this country. Now not only will I not let you come home, I have decided to deem you as a threat to national security. Even thinking about overthrowing me and claiming you could rule here is a serious crime. Now normally such comments would result in either banishment to Tartarus or banishment to the moon but I think those punishments would be way too soft. I'll simply make you stay down in that dump for the rest of your miserable, pathetic days instead!

Also, if you honestly think you could have reached Starswirl's abilities in just one year, you are delusional. It took him decades of study to reach the level he attained. I honestly don't think you understand how intelligent he was and how well learned he was. Not everypony is destined to be a great sorcerer like him, ESPECIALLY NOT YOU. Just because you have more magical talent than that street magician does not mean you are anything special.

Now do me a favor, quit bitching and go to the spa. I'm sure your only "friends" down there are more than ready to help you unwind. I would write more but I have just had a cake delivered to me.

Your Superior Overlord,

Princess Celestia

Sisterhooves Social

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am not thrilled with Cindy Morrow right now, more pissed than anything else. She wrote an episode without me in it! What a bitch she is to not include me in an episode. Could you please contact Hasbro and see to it that this doesn't happen again.

Pissed at Cindy Morrow,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I demand that you charge my parents with neglect or child abandonment. They dropped me off with my bitch sister and claimed they would be gone for seven days but I know that is bullshit or I would not have had a ton of luggage dropped off with me. If you don't do that, at least let me live with Applejack since she is a real sister.

Sincerely,

Sweetie Belle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am not happy right now. My parents had the audacity to dump my little sister off with me, not for a week, but for good when they know that I am a busy businesspony. How am I supposed to watch her and run my shop at the same time? Even worse, Sweetie Belle is so uncouth. The things she wanted us to do together are things that a lady should not be engaging in.

To top things off, she ruined my cashmere wool sweater and those things are not easy to come by and the fact that she wants Applejack as her sister since apparently I'm too big of a bitch really makes me mad. I do have one question, could you either force my parents to take Sweetie Belle back or at least make Applejack accept her as a sister since she loves her so much?

I have a business to run and I can't be bothered with her so I would much appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Rarity

To My Pissed Off Student,

You have the audacity to bitch to me about not being included in an episode? I am almost never included in the show but I don't go bitching about it. Just get over yourself already, alright?

Glad you Finally Got Excluded,

Princess Celestia

Dear Sweetie Belle,

Sorry you have shitty parents who dumped you with your even shittier sister but since they left you with family, there is nothing I can do. Yes Rarity is a bitch, I will agree with you there, but she did take part in that stupid race with you so she can't be all bad, right?

Seriously though, go and bitch to somepony who actually gives a shit.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To Rarity,

Now I know why Twilight thinks you are such a bitch. If I didn't know any better I'd think you two were related given the way all both of you know how to do is bitch, whine and complain about anything and everything. Regarding your sister, sorry but you are stuck with her. Applejack is already stuck with one little hellion, I doubt she wants to be burdened with two of them.

Yes Sweetie Belle may seem unrefined to you and yes those activities she wants you two to do together don't sound all that appealing but just be a good sister and placate her, alright?

Signed,

Your Overlord Celestia

P.S. Oh it was nice of you to degrade yourself by taking part in that race with your sister, maybe she'll quit bitching for a while now.

Special: Fluttershy's Concerns

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am writing to you about matters of great importance. I don't know what happened but it was late on Hearts and Hooves Day that all the straight couples down here went missing. To make matters worse, Lyra and Bon Bon have gone missing but the absolute worst thing? Dr. Fauna has gone missing and I haven't seen Tree Hugger in months!

Also, the florists have gone missing too. Something strange is going on down here and I have a feeling that Twilight might be behind it. I know how bitter she is about love and I heard that she banned Hearts and Hooves Day here and vowed to punish anypony who violated her new law! I know you probably won't care since you all of a sudden love Twilight as though she were your own daughter.

Just do some sort of investigation because every single straight couple outside of the married couples disappearing is just too strange. Also, if you could pressure Twilight into telling me what happened to Dr. Fauna and Tree Hugger I would really appreciate it.

Worried,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

You say I probably won't care? You're right, I don't care! If you want an investigation done over this, you will pay for it because I'm not about to waste government funds on something I don't give a shit about.

Not Caring About Your Concerns,

Princess Celestia

Family Appreciation Day

Dear Princess Celestia,

What gives? I am supposed to be the pony that this show is centered around and this is the second episode this season that I have been excluded from. Oh wait, Cindy Morrow wrote this episode and just like it was when Sweetie Belle got dumped on Rarity by her parents, she decided to exclude me. Ok, I have decided that she is the WORST writer of the show, not to mention a total bitch! Maybe if I'm lucky Hasbro will fire her for excluding the pony that is the reason this show exists, not to mention the pony that generates the most profits for them.

Your Upset Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I never knew that my granddaughter was so ashamed of me simply because I forget things sometimes and do not meet her expectations. What she needs to realize is that if it weren't for me, she wouldn't even exist. What surprises me the most is that it was one of those rich fillies, Silver Spoon, that clapped for my story first. Despite Apple Bloom always complaining about her, perhaps she isn't so bad after all. I do hope Apple Bloom will learn in the end that you should never be ashamed of your family, ever.

Your Loyal Subject,

Granny Smith

To my Upset Student,

I am going to tell you exactly what I told you last time. You get excluded for this episode and you have the audacity to bitch about it to me? Look, I almost never get included in an episode unless I have to throw you and your acquaintances a party for "saving" Equestria. Screw that shit Twily, if the writers of this show knew how to truly write great episodes, every single episode would revolve primarily around me. I am the primary princess after all and I think I deserve it.

Equally as Upset,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Cindy Morrow ain't the only writer that is an asshole. Now yes Lauren, Amy and M.A. did include me in episodes but still, they did not center them around me and if it weren't for me, you never would have become my student nor would you be down there making everypony's life miserable so quit your damn bitching and be grateful for what you do get.

Dear Granny Smith,

I must say, I am not thrilled with the behavior of your granddaughter. I never imagined that she would do anything like that and I am disappointed that you didn't beat her senseless like what elders used to do to children who were disrespectful to them. Now if you would have took her out to the woodshed, I would have gave you a medal for teaching her what happens to little cunts like her. If she pulls this shit again, feel free to abuse her mercilessly. If you were to get arrested for foal abuse, I'd pardon you immediately so you'd have nothing to worry about. You have a nice day.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hiatus Special: Post Wedding Correspondence

Twily,

I can not believe that you would have the audacity to screw Cadence before I got the chance to. To make matters worse, she is now threatening to divorce me unless I allow her to go down and have fun with you every single weekend. So much for me being your Big Brother Best Friend Forever, right?

Very Upset,

Prince Shining Armor

Shining Armor,

At least she isn't wanting to screw another stallion, right?

Cadence's First,

Twily

Dear Twilight,

The next time you have Cadence down here for some fun, bring her to the spa because it will be much better if there are four!

Love,

Aloe Vera and Lotus Blossom

To my sexy Twily,

Right now I am cursing myself for marrying that brother of yours. Here I thought he would be my true love but all I can do is fantasize about our time together in the caves and how even though your horn is short, you still put him to shame. I do plan on coming down to Ponyville every single weekend so you can give me the pleasure I need. I'm sure you can find somewhere to send Spike while I'm down there because our activities should not take place around children.

For now these meetups will only be on weekends but I'm hoping a war will break out that Shining will die in so that we can become full-time "friends."

Longing for Your Horn,

Princess Cadence

To the sexiest sister-in-law in the world,

I too fantasize about our time together in the caves and I do look forward to your visits. Don't worry, I'll send Spike off somewhere. I am glad I was able to fulfill your needs but I'm not thrilled you want my brother to die in a war. Next time we see one another, I'm giving it to you rough, got it?

Hoping to see you soon,

Twilight

Special: Twilicorn Fallout

Dear Bitchlestia,

First off, I am not thrilled. Now that I am a princess I have so many of these hacks coming and bitching to me about anything and everything. To make matters worse, I am now receiving hate mail and most of it is from Canterlot. All these ponies keep on complaining about how they don't think I deserve to be a princess. Some of them are saying that they hope I die an immediate, horrible death which to be honest I wouldn't mind one bit.

Now what is weird as hell is that I am getting mail from these strange bi-pedal creatures from some other dimension. A lot of it is hate mail saying that they hope the writers kill me off, they go on and on about how I was better before I got my wings and many are saying that they will no longer watch us anymore. What the hell they're talking about I don't know but whatever it is, it can't be good.

One thing that really makes me wonder is that some of them, in their hate mail, are claiming that I am no longer their waifu, that Fluttershy is and some of them have even made YOU their waifu. To make matters worse though, some have said they love me more and have made me their waifu and have sexual fantasies about me every night. Some even had the audacity to send me pictures and are asking me how they can get to Equestria so they can marry me, ugh....disgusting.

I don't know what a waifu is but I have a feeling that it is bad, very bad. Please tell me there is no way for them to get here because having a bunch of bi-pedal stalkers that are into bestiality would be WORSE than being cursed to live in this dump for thousands of years.

Contemplating Going into Hiding,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Inferior Fellow Monarch,

You know what, I do not get why the hell you are bitching so much. You got the fancy coronation you have wanted since before I sent you down to that cursed place and for a brief moment, everypony at least pretended to adore you. What is it going to take for you to quit bitching now?

I have a bad feeling that you will probably either continue to bitch until you either get your mugshot on our currency, you get your own fancy castle or just to spite me, you will continue to bitch clear up until you breathe your last in the far, distant future. You may think your constant bitching will cause me enough undue stress that it will kill me but trust me, it won't. All it does is cause me to come up with more ways to make your miserable life even more pathetic.

Laughing My Flank Off,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Bi-pedal creatures? You know those things are nothing more than characters in comic books right? Those letters are probably just coming from My Little Human fans who want to troll you and make your life miserable.

Flight to the Finish

Dear Princess Celestia,

Those sorry bastards at Hasbro have decided to exclude me from an episode, again. Here I am, a princess, and they exclude me. It was bad enough that they excluded me before you cursed me with this title but now? They should be putting me in every single episode now since I'm more important than ever.

I suppose one positive of this is that I can go and get an extra long pampering at the spa. From what I understand Fluttershy was excluded too so maybe we could go together and I along with the spa twins could initiate her.

Hoping to Initiate Fluttershy,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Ms. Harshwinny,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you so much for liking our routine so much! Rainbow thought you were a stuck up, snobby bitch but we knew you were awesome, more awesome than her for sure!

Sincerely,

Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom

To My Fluttershy Desiring Inferior Monarch,

Bitch, bitch, bitch, that is all you seem to know how to do? I honestly don't blame the writers for excluding you. Audiences aren't going to want to have to see your bitchy ass in every single episode. Oh and regarding Fluttershy, you'll have to let me know if you and the spa twins can score with her. I'm sure if she finds out you want her to go to the spa with her, she'll run off and hide in Rarity's bed.

If you do somehow manage to initiate Fluttershy, let me know. I want to know all the juicy details but chances are I will wind up being disappointed in you again.

Your Far Superior Monarch,

Princess Celestia

Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders,

I want to ask you a question, are the rest of the ponies in your class completely retarded? None of them put together a routine that was even deserving of anypony seeing. Anyway, congratulations on impressing me and telling me the truth about Crash and what she really thought about me. Next time, somepony else will coach all of you. I certainly do not want a bitch like Rainbow doing any more coaching.

Sincerely,

Ms. Harshwinny

Simple Ways

To the Worst Monarch of All Time,

Here we fucking go again, Ponyville is once again going to halt all activities for a stupid festival. I honestly wonder how the hell they even get anything done with the way they do nothing but party all the time. This time it is some festival regarding the foundation of Ponyville. Seriously, they are going to throw a party over that when there are much more important things to celebrate, such as my presence?

To make things worse, they decided to put Rarity in charge of it. The moment I learned this I knew it would be nothing short of a disaster. They should have just put me in charge because with me, it would have been far better organized and only the most important things would have happened, such as everypony bowing down and worshiping me like I deserve.

Initially Rarity planned on making this a pathetic attempt of a bunch of country bumpkins trying to emulate Canterlot life. To me that is truly pathetic. If they are so proud of their heritage and shit, they shouldn't be trying to be something they're not. Eventually, after little miss priss learned that this ugly travel writer that she wanted to screw had a thing for country life, she decided to go from "Small Town Chic" to "Country Bumpkins on Steroids."

I am going to admit though, Rarity's sudden change in how she styled her mane and tail made me hot, very hot. Hell I even offered to make her "feel important" after that travel writer shunned her because he wanted to get in Applejack's coat. Believe it or not, but I almost felt sorry for her. Key word though, almost!

The bad news, Rarity wouldn't let me make her feel better and finally once she got it through her thick skull she wasn't going to score with that travel writer, she made her mane and tail all ugly again. What a shame she shot me down, I was really thinking I might make one of those bitches you cursed upon me an actual friend and not a mere acquaintance I do my best to tolerate.

Now since her mane and tail are ugly again, I'll have to see if PETA girl will let me initiate her.

Your Vastly Superior Monarch,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Rarity,

I am not thrilled with you one bit. You made yourself all attractive for me and you won't even put out? If you ever make your mane and tail straight again, I may just decide to use my executive power to force you to meet me in my chambers and become my friend since Fluttershy constantly rejects my offerings of friendship.

Wanting to Initiate You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. If it would help, you could join me and the spa twins. We've always wanted a four way with you but have been too nervous to bring it up, until now.

To My Bitchy Little Princess,

You know something, I honestly think when events like this happen you should either hole up in your library or go hole up in the spa with Aloe and Lotus, you'd be much happier. I get it though, you just have to go and make yourself miserable because you either think that maybe I'll let you come home or you simply need something to bitch about.

Now the fact that they put Rarity in charge to turn that festival into a wannabe Canterlot party does surprise me. I thought they would have put some idiot in charge who would have it reflect that town for what it is, a backwater dump that nopony gives a shit about.

About the travel writer, him shunning Rarity had to be quite funny and her becoming a country girl to try and get him in bed must have been quite the sight. I am going to let you know this though, I am very disappointed that you couldn't get her in bed even though she couldn't get anypony else to want to screw her. That is further proof that despite you being a princess, you are a pathetic loser who can't get anypony, outside of the spa twins, in bed.

Laughing Over How Pathetic You Are,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

That right there is proof that you truly are a horrible princess. No princess worthy of her crown would ever try to force one of her subjects to have sex with her. Also, why is it you won't force Fluttershy but you'd have no problems forcing me into your bedroom? I get it, you think that Fluttershy will fold eventually but know I won't. Know this though, I won't fold and neither will Fluttershy.

Sincerely,

Rarity

P.S. Just so you know, I don't need to have a four way with you and the spa twins. Fluttershy and I are perfectly happy with our own trysts and neither one of us ever want to be involved with your ugly flank.

Dear Rarity,

Seriously, you think that I don't know what it's like to be obsessed with a pony only to find out that they are obsessed with somepony else? You know what, Twilight is right about you. You are nothing more than a self-absorbed, conceited bitch. I don't know why the hell I give you so much love and adoration when all you see me as is a cute child.

Personally I am glad that travel writer shot you down. You don't deserve love and adoration from ANYPONY after this fiasco.

Sincerely,

Spike

Dear Spikey-Wikey,

You're so adorable when you get mad like this. It is just like how you were so adorable when you got mad before you ran off to the dragon lands. I'm not worried, give it a week and your crush will return. I do have one question, could you be a dear and come help me find gems tomorrow?" :raritywink:

Sincerely,

Rarity

Author's Note

Spike knows all too well Rarity, all too well.

For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils

To the Worst Monarch Ever,

Here we fucking go again, another episode without me in it. That is the fourth one this season and two in the past three weeks. Yes I know this gives me more spa time but still, I am the pony this whole series is centered around and they continue to exclude me, damn bastards anyway. What a shame Lauren wasn't still around. I was not excluded once in season one and then only three times in season two but now it seems like I'm always being excluded.

Oh well, fuck this shit. I don't know what happened and I honestly don't give a shit either. All I care about is getting more airtime.

Equestria's Neglected Monarch,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Even Luna got airtime ahead of me, Luna for Faust's sake and she isn't even that relevant!

Sweetie Belle,

I can not believe what a little cunt you had to be. You know that Sapphire Shores is one of my most important and biggest paying clients and you destroy the outfit I made for her. Another thing that bothers me, I make you and your friends those outfits for your play and you aren't the least bit grateful for them, you thought I was trying to steal the spotlight. Tell me, how the hell could I be stealing the spotlight when nopony even knew I made those things?

All I have to say is you better be glad that things turned out alright or I would have had a nervous breakdown, I would have wound up in the behavioral health ward of the hospital and I would have forced you to move in with Twilight. I'm certain that would have been a complete nightmare for you. You know what? Screw it, I'll make you spend a week with her anyway and invite Spike to come help me find gems for a week. I want you to have to put up with Twilight's bitchiness and not have Spike there to give you any sympathy.

Maybe after putting up with that bitch for a week, you'll learn not to pull shit like what you did.

Your Angry Sister,

Rarity

Rarity,

I'm sorry I got jealous and thought you were trying to steal the spotlight. It just felt like my fifth birthday party all over again. I promise you that I will never do this again but one bit of good news, my magic is good enough that I can open boxes!

Sweetie Belle

P.S. Go for it, make me move in with Twilight. Unlike you, I'll be able to handle her and with her, she won't make me find one of the thousands of shaded of "red" ribbon. She would be a nice reprieve from your diamond covered flank.

To Equestria's Most Unpopular Monarch,

Oh get over it Twily. So what if you were excluded. I get excluded all the damn time and just like I have told you more times than I can count, I don't go bitching about it. Just go to the spa, have an intense pampering session and forget all about this.

Equestria's Best Monarch,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh and regarding Luna being included but you not, she is more popular than you are. Perhaps if you stop acting like the world owes you everything, you won't get excluded so frequently. Oh and like I told you before, Lauren left after the end of season two so she isn't around to protect you from exclusion anymore.

And finally, Luna is not irrelevant. That title is shared between you and Cadence. Luna raises the moon, I raise the sun and what do you and your bootie-call do, other than each other, you do nothing, absolutely nothing!

Author's Note

Your reaction when you just can't get to sleep.

Appleoosa's Most Wanted

To Whoever is in Charge,

Those bastard writers have left me out again! What gives, I am the pony this entire series is built around. Hell, when Lauren Faust was still 100% in charge in season one, I was in every single episode! Now could you do me a favor and make sure shitty episodes like this don't happen again?

Pissed at You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Tell someone who gives a shit. You are nothing special and Faust is gone, long gone. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is about a whole lot more than you. I could easily lower my fist and smash you like a bug but I choose not to do so because like Princess Celestia, I get a great amount of joy in seeing you suffer!

Sincerely,

God-Emperor Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro Inc.

P.S. Oh and listen to Princess Celestia, you're never going to score with PETA Girl although I will let you in on a secret, a day will come when somepony will come across PETA Girl's path that she will wind up initiating! :trollestia:

Dear Princess Celestia,

I don't know what to do about those fillies anymore. They wind up running off to find a known outlaw because they are more curious than a coyote. Yes nothing went wrong in the end and Troubleshoes found his true calling but still, how do I get them to listen?

Sincerely,

Applejack

Dear Applejack,

Tell you what, simply tell those three that if they continue to misbehave and defy orders, that you will haul them up to me and I will put them to work again. After all, enslaving them beats the shit out of paying overpriced maids who bitch about their working conditions almost as much as Twilight does.

Hoping You'll Provide Me More Slave Labor,

Princess Celestia

Dear CMC,

I'd like to thank y'all for helping me find my true calling. Yes it isn't competing but I finally get to be part of what I love the most, the rodeo.

Sincerely,

Troubleshoes

Dear Troubleshoes,

You're welcome. It is what we do but we do have one favor to ask, if Princess Celestia ever tries to turn us into slave labor again could we hide in your trailer? It would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,

The CMC

The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone

Dear Sunbutt,

I am not a happy pony and I will tell you why. That damn map decided to call two of my acquaintances to go on a mission to Griffonstone when it knows damn good and well that I was hoping to go there, round up a few undesirables, arrest them for simply being alive and torture them. With that being the case, I decided to do the one thing that would be better than torturing undesirables, going to the spa!

I guess this episode wasn't a total loss although I really should have played a bigger role in it, such as bird exterminator. Perhaps I will have to go abduct a few of those undesirables on my own time and give that druggie I'm torturing some company.

Wishing I Could Torture Some Griffons,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starbutt,

It looks like we are in agreement on something, I'd like it if I could torture some griffons as well. I never have liked those things, nothing more than a bunch of inferiors who think that they are even remotely on par with ponies. Oh well, you can't win them all. I must say I am impressed, for once you are putting much more socially acceptable desires ahead of trying to initiate PETA Girl. Good luck on eventually going out and torturing some griffons.

In Agreement With You for Once,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

We are happy to report that we finished our map mission and it wasn't that golden idol that the griffons needed, all they needed was each other and Gilda needed baking powder for those scones. Even better, Gilda and I are friends again and to top that, she is friends with Pinkie now too.

We are hoping that this can be the beginnings of improved relations between us ponies and the griffons. I know you aren't exactly fond of them but Equestria needs all the allies it can get, right?

Hoping For Better Relations With Griffonstone,

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash

To Crash and ADHD Girl,

While I am glad you were able to complete your map mission let me say the following.

Griffonstone is part of Equestria so they technically are Equestrian citizens even though they are undesirables. I also don't care how our relations with them are given that there are so few of them, I'm sure if you sent me there on a search and destroy mission, I could drive them to extinction in one day. Third, I don't give a shit that you two befriended Gilda, it doesn't affect my life any.

However, I would appreciate it if you could go and boast to Twilight how you finished this map mission. She is feeling rather miserable right now and I think some arrogance on your part is exactly what she needs.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Made in Manehattan

To a Lousy Monarch,

I was so bored, so so bored and that damn map decided to troll me again. When it started going off I thought that maybe I would finally be able to get out of town and try to find some new hotties to seduce. Instead, it called Rarity and Applejack to go to Manehattan to take care of some problem. Well I suppose it isn't a total loss, I can just make the spa twins shut up shop and give me the attention I need and deserve.

I'm not sure what the hell happened but I honestly don't give a shit. I got my spa time and that is all that matters.

Always Better Than You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Bitchy Little Princess,

That's the spirit! I'm glad to see that you saw the positive in that map not calling you out of town and besides, who the hell would want to go to Manehattan when there are places you can go where you're guaranteed to get laid, right?

Disinterested,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Why must that damn map call us at the absolute worst times? We were supposed to compete with our little sisters in the Sisterhooves Social but thanks to that damn thing, not only will our little sisters not get to compete but also Rainbow Crash and Scootaloo will likely win. What sucks about that is that their already overblown egos will only get worse.

Oh well, we were able to help Coco Pommel revive that theater revival that is so important to her so we guess it wasn't a total loss.

Sincerely,

Applejack and Rarity

Dear Applejack and Rarity,

Oh wah-wah-wah, why don't you go and bitch to somepony who actually gives a shit? Look, the map works in strange ways that even I don't understand but when duty calls, duty calls. Oh and Rarity, I am honestly shocked that you would want to take part in an event that just three seasons ago you thought of as uncouth. Are you actually starting to love Sweetie Belle the way a sister should instead of viewing her as a pain in the ass that was cursed upon you?

Regarding the social, you didn't miss anything important. Somepony won but had I not been enjoying a freshly baked cake I might have spied on it so I don't know who won.

Irritated With Your Whining,

Princess Celestia

Crusaders of the Lost Mark

Dear Princess Celebitch,

Did you know that it took ten months to fix the local playground down here after Tirek ruined it? I was asked to go survey the damage and to be honest, he barely touched it, he focused more on the library than anything else. What matters though is that they got a private donation to replace it instead of wasting funds that could be allocated to me.

Oh and in other news, that cutie mark cult got their marks but I'm sure they'll still continue to be little hellions anyway.

Superior to You,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To My Little Twibitch,

Well that is good that they didn't waste government funds on new playground equipment but outside of that, I don't give a shit, it doesn't affect my life any.

Not Caring One Bit,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Those funds would not be better used to give to you, they would be better used to put a golden statue of me here in Canterlot!

Dear Princess Celestia,

We did it, we finally did it! We got our cutie marks! The three of us are so happy that we will no longer be called blank flanks. Now we have learned that our special talent is helping other ponies either get their marks or reconnect with the one they have! What is the most amazing is that we were able to finally get Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon to be nice to everypony!

I know this may not seem like a big deal to you but we just thought we would share this wonderful news. You know something, we will even invite you to our cute-ceañera! We know you'll enjoy it because there will be cake! Will you please come, it would make it even better, pleeeeeeease! :applecry:

Your Respectful Subjects,

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo

Dear Cutie Mark Cult,

Why the hell would I want to come to your damn cutie mark party? I am still pissed over the shit you pulled when you were gossip columnists for the school newspaper. You three should consider yourselves perfectly lucky that I only made you clean the castle for a couple weeks when I could have banished you to the moon or even worse, forced you to live with Twilight.

I get it, you're going to make sure there will be cake but I have my own, much larger cake on the docket and could you let Twilight know that I have a white and pink snack scheduled afterwards? Maybe someday I will find it in my heart to forgive you but as for now, no, not yet.

Still Pissed at You,

Princess Celestia

On Your Marks

Dear God-Emperor Goldner,

Why are you allowing this? This is the second straight episode that I've been excluded from and it seems like since my ascension, I'm being excluded more and more! Could you please force the writers to include me in every single episode? It would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Now that we have our cutie marks, we initially had no idea on what we were supposed to do until we remembered how we got them when we helped Diamond Tiara to realize what her purpose in this world was. Luckily Apple Bloom found this pony who needed help overcoming his stage fright and we were able to help him get his cutie mark.

Now that we have helped a pony get his cutie mark, we are ready to help anypony and everypony in need of our services. We have come a long way since we exposed you and your gluttony when it comes to cake, haven't we?

Sincerely,

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo

Dear CMC,

Thank you so much for helping me get my cutie mark! I always knew that my destiny was to be a performer but thanks to you, now it is my destiny. Oh and Apple Bloom, I do hope you keep on dancing because I'm sure you can only get better.

Thanks,

Tender Taps

Princess Twilight,

Look, the writers are simply going off of what ponies are the most popular and obviously you aren't that popular anymore. Yes you were big early on, but I do know that when Celestia cursed you your popularity plunged and just wait, I'm sure a day will come when Starlight Glimmer will be more popular than you, and that she will be the one to save your flank when villains attack Equestria.

Sincerely,

Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro

To the Cutie Mark Cult,

You honestly think that I care abut you and your success in helping a pony get his cutie mark? Look, I am STILL pissed over not just your libelous claims about me but also your crimes involving that love poison. You three are irredeemable little villains. Granted you are still nothing compared to villains such as Tirek, your crimes are evil in their own ways.

Now let me tell you this, if you start making profits off of this shit you are pulling, I will tax you at the same rate I do everypony else. Just because you are children does not mean you are immune to taxes, got it?

Planning on Taxing You,

Princess Celestia

Dear Tender Taps,

We were glad to be able to help you out with your cutie mark. Now we are certain that you are happy but perhaps you could help other ponies that have trouble dancing.

Sincerely,

The CMC

Newbie Dash

To the Tyrant Princess,

Well I learned today that the Wonderbolts standards for who they welcome into their little club have plunged to absolute zero because they finally allowed Crash to be a full blown Wonderbolt. Yeah it is lame news and shit but I didn't have anything important to bitch to you about. Believe it or not, despite me being irritated by this I am in a good mood because I have the sweetest pony in the universe who loves me.

Having Nothing Important to Bitch About,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh, I did it, I finally did it! I finally became a full fledged Wonderbolt. It has been my dream ever since I was a foal and it has finally happened! I honestly never thought the writers would have me fulfill my destiny the way they did Princess Bitchypants! Now that I am a true Wonderbolt, I will continue to move up the list and maybe someday I can become the captain! Now that would be beyond sweet!

Equestria's Newest Wonderbolt,

Rainbow Dash

To A Sub-par Monarch,

Wait a minute, all you had to bitch to me about was Crash becoming a Wonderbolt? I am surprised and I am even more surprised that you didn't even seem all that worked up over it. I get it though, you are so happy that you have a special somepony and even happier that I cast that longevity spell on her but could you please refrain from all that sentimental non-sense? Kind of funny how you used to bitch over shit like that and now here you are making me want to vomit over that sappy shit. Things have a weird way of coming around though, right?

Equestria's Best Monarch,

Princess Celestia

Dear Rainbow Crash,

I am glad to hear that you finally became a true Wonderbolt but I am disappointed in you right now. I am disappointed because you left out all the fun details that Spitfire reported to me afterwards! I know it was embarrassing but you could have at least told me about how you crashed into a trash can and formally earned the name Rainbow Crash.

I'm going to let you in on a secret, if you would have told me all the details about your horrible first day and how you ruined the performance in Ponyville, I would have forced Twilight to come home and freed you from her but oh well, too bad, so sad!

Sincerely,

Princess "Never Crashed into a Trash Can" Celestia

Buckball Season

To the Victorious Ponyville Buckball Team,

You guys were awesome! It must have felt really great to crush Appaloosa, especially after Braeburn had been boasting for weeks nonstop how his team would beat Ponyville. Don't worry, when we get home we'll throw a huge party for you three.

Sincerely,

Applejack and Rainbow Dash

P.S. Fluttershy, if you just have to bring Twilight could you make sure she behaves? After how she yelled at that yak, we don't want her making a scene, alright?

To Applejack and Rainbow Dash,

We will admit, we were nervous to play them but once we decided not to think about it, we did great. Yes defeating Appaloosa felt great but hopefully next time we won't have to rally to win. Next time we want to truly crush them. We want to crush Braeburn, Bulk Biceps' sister and that blue unicorn.

Sincerely,

The Victorious Ponyville Buckball Team

P.S. Don't worry you two, I whipped Twilight when she misbehaved so I doubt she will act up again unless she wants me to beat her with chains. - Fluttershy

Dear Snails,

I just want to let you know that I am making buckball a professional sport and all players will be paid well. I'm doing this because I do not want you living off the system and since he is a good friend of yours, I'm certain you will keep Snips from living off the system as well.

While you and your teammates will suddenly be raking in big bits, 7 figure incomes, you will be pushed into a rather high tax bracket. Don't worry, even being taxed 80% won't hurt you that much! Now be sure and inform your teammates about this, I doubt they want to die of shock when they have to file their taxes.

Waiting to Tax You,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Failure to pay your taxes will result in immediate seizure of all property and a permanent lunar off-season.

Dear Princess Celestia,

If I just don't think about it I won't have to pay the taxes, right?

Never Thinking About Anything,

Snails

Dear Princess Celestia,

I just don't get it, why would the writers put Fluttershy in an episode and not me? Why would they send her off somewhere and not me? I am honestly afraid because I kind of left the castle and went to Sugarcube Corner without her permission. I just hope she won't find out because I don't want her bringing out the chains.

Afraid,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

To the Biggest Doormat of All Time,

Seriously, you are afraid because you went to Sugarcube Corner without Fluttershy? You know something, I'm going to tell Fluttershy that not only did you leave the castle without her permission but you went to Sugarcube Corner alone too. Why am I going to do this? I'm going to do it to spite you. I don't like what you have become so I figure you deserve to be punished. Have fun getting beat with chains Twily!

Sincerely,

Princess "Nopony Controls Me" Celestia

P.S. I know the measurements down there and Sugarcube Corner is only 99 feet away from the spa so I will put emphasis on that when I tell her too!

Where the Apple Lies

Dear Apple Bloom,

You see what happens when you lie? I'm going to let you in on something, if you lie again YOU will certainly wind up in the hospital, you and you alone. After what happened with me, the Apple Family has no room for liars, got it?"

The Honest Apple,

Applejack

To Applejack,

Who the hell do you think you are to threaten to put me in the hospital over one little lie? You lied till the cows came home back in the day. You know what, fuck that shit. I'm telling Princess Celestia about your threat and I'm sure that she will not take kindly to you wanting to hurt me.

Hoping Celestia Will Punish You,

Apple Bloom

Dear Princess Celestia,

Get this, Applejack is threatening to put me in the hospital if I lie again. Can you believe that? I thought she was a loving sister but here she is planning on hurting me over something as simple as a little lie. I think you need to punish her for contemplating filly abuse.

Sincerely,

Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom,

Look, if she were to paddle you so hard that mark fell off I wouldn't care. Remember little filly, you and your friends are STILL on my shit list for everything you pulled in the past. So either you tell the truth from now on or you'll wind up in the hospital and I will come and laugh in your face.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

To My Grandfoals,

Remember this, until I breathe my last, I will be the one running Sweet Apple Acres and after the shit Applejack pulled as a filly, I'm sure Celestia will cast that longevity spell on me and I'll outlive all of you!

Still In Charge,

Granny Smith

Dear Granny,

You honestly think that Celestia will cast a longevity spell on you? To be granted an unnaturally long life you either have to be a total bitch or you have to have figured out how to control a total bitch so good luck having that happen!

Sincerely,

Applejack

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know you are probably expecting a letter from Twilight bitching about being excluded from another episode but you won't be getting one because she has been bad. Had I known that Minuette was the dentist she went to see, I would have made her go to a different one. Hell I'm thinking in the future I may just have a dentist come in here and see her.

After all, not only did she see one of her old friends but I think she may have been exposed to something that encourages free thinking because she has been defiant here lately. If you ever see her with bruises, just know I had to punish her for doing something that I did not approve of.

Still Owning Your Subordinate,

Fluttershy

Dear Fluttershy,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. You own my former star student and like to rub it in my face. Listen, Minuette has all her dental records and knows about her history so I think it is best that she goes to her. Tell you what, next time she has to see the dentist, I will accompany her and make sure nothing happens and I will make sure she is not exposed to anything that may cause her to rebel against you.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Legend of Everfree

Dear Princess Celestia,

Well I wound up getting a letter from Sunset telling me she needed me because of some crazy girl running a camp. Now I really wanted to go and help her but Fluttershy wouldn't let me! She knows about the human like her there and said that she would not let me go and try to initiate her. Now I tried to reply to Sunset and tell her about Fluttershy not letting me go but she wrote to her for me and told her that she would never let me go over there.

I swear, Fluttershy has become so controlling. She got mad at me for talking to one of my old friends, she got mad at me because I went to the dentist, she got mad at me for going to Sugarcube Corner alone and now this? Could you please tell her to stop being so controlling? I love her dearly but I don't like not having any rights either.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know what, I am happy that she didn't let you go over there. Since there is a human version of you over there, your presence is no longer necessary, you don't need to go over there anymore. You know, in one way I feel bad for you being controlled like this yet at the same time I am disgusted. I am disgusted that you are still allowing her to control you like this. If you want your freedom so much, just dump the bitch already, alright?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

I am writing to you hoping you can come over and help. You see, I along with my friends have went to a summer camp and the girl who runs the place seems a bit off. I don't know what it is about her but I honestly think she is possessed by some sort of dark force that lives in the forest. I don't know what it is but it seems like something is haunting the human version of you as well. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Hoping You'll Come and Help,

Sunset Shimmer

P.S. I also thought I would let you know that a lousy recolor of Flash Sentry called Timber is trying to hit on your counterpart. I am going to try to seduce her and make her mine.

Dear Sunset,

Sorry Sunny but you will not be hearing from Twilight and she certainly will not be going over there. I am Fluttershy, her owner, Master and marefriend and she does as I say. I don't care if some crazy girl winds up causing you problems, she will not be coming to help you. I am making her stay because I can not have her being exposed to things such as free thinking, you trying to tell her to leave me nor do I want her to try and initiate the human version of me.

Twilight's Owner,

Fluttershy

P.S. Sorry but you will not be getting human Twilight. I will come over there myself and give human Fluttershy the guts to bag human Twilight. Hey, I own her over here so why shouldn't the me over there own the Twilight over there? Now all I have to do is get Rarity to put a horn cap on Twilight, hog tie her in the dungeon and have my bear prevent her from leaving. I will be seeing you soon and mark my words, human Fluttershy will own human Twilight and there won't be a thing you can do about it!

Dear Fluttershy,

What the hell? You, the one she wanted to initiate for so long is now your subservient doormat? Now while you may own Twilight in your world, human Fluttershy is far too much of a doormat to try and own Sci-Twi. She hasn't had time to develop from a complete doormat to a controlling bitch like you have.

Also, you just come over and try to give the human you the confidence to bag Twilight. You will be met by me and trust me, I will not allow you to harm Sci-Twi nor will I allow you to encourage the human you to grow a spine and become a controlling bitch.

Looking to Protect Sci-Twi,

Sunset Shimmer

P.S. Oh and you better be glad that I simply can't ignore my duties over here or I would come back to Equestria, free Twilight from your control and run you through the torture devices in that dungeon myself.

Dear Human Fluttershy,

I am sure you have no clue who I am but I am the pony version of you. I am an extremely sexy pegasus named Fluttershy who owns the pony version of Twilight, who just so happens to be a princess. Now I know that our worlds are supposed to be very similar with the only difference being that we are better than you because I can fly while you can't.

I am giving you an assignment though. For our worlds to truly be similar, you must grow a spine and make the Twilight over there your own. Sunset told me you were a doormat but it is time for you to grow up. Grow up, make Twilight your own and once you do, control her like I do my Twilight. Control her to the point where she can't even leave your house without permission, alright? Failure to do so will result in me coming over, abducting both of you, bringing you back to Equestria and initiating both of you!

Sincerely,

The Sexiest Pegasus Ever....Fluttershy

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

Dear Fluttershy,

You're not going to believe this but I was able to seduce Twilight, initiate her and now she belongs to me! Yes Sunset is rather unhappy because she wanted her but I told her to go find that irrelevant idiot that plays the guitar and seduce him. Now want to know the fun thing, this recolor of the guitar player wanted Twilight but I kicked him in the nuts and took Twilight as my own.

Even better, she is already completely subservient to me. She knows I get mad when she talks to certain people and will say "I'm sorry" every time I hit her for doing so. Damn it feels good to no longer be a doormat! Controlling a girl feels so much better. I am curious, does your doormat shy back when you raise your hoof at her? My Twilight cowers back in fear every time I go to smack her!

Hoping to Hear Back from You,

Human Fluttershy

Dear Human Fluttershy,

Sweet! Now our worlds are much more similar since we both own a Twilight. To answer your question, yes my doormat shies back in fear every time I go to strike her with my hoof. Here Sunset thought you would be too much of a doormat to go after Twilight but this is proof that you are like me! This is proof that you aren't afraid to go and get what you want and proof that you know exactly how to control somepony, well someone in your world, who is lavender.

Proud of You,

Pony Fluttershy

P.S. I don't know exactly what you mean when you say you kicked a guy in the nuts but it sounds really bad ass! It sounds like you put that moron in his place! That right there is proof that us Fluttershys are superior to everyone else and are owners of Twilights!

A Flurry of Emotion

Dear Princess Celestia,

I don't know if Cadence is finally starting to trust me again or what but she decided to have me babysit Flurry Heart. Oh she is such an adorable little thing but in my efforts to try and make her happy and make the sick school foals happy, I wound up becoming the worst aunt ever.

I know exactly what you're going to say, you'll probably say that I should have said "forget the foals, put family first" but I want ponies here to know that I am changing. I want them to know that I'm not a self-centered bitch anymore. In the end I had to apologize to Cadence and Shining Armor for being such a horrible aunt. Luckily though they forgave me and we have made plans for supper next week.

Suddenly the W.A.E,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Wait a minute, no mention of Fluttershy for once? Did you two break up or something? If so, I will be elated. You have no idea how long it has been since I haven't had to hear you yap about her in a letter. Ok, I just don't get you, you honestly think you can make ponies think better of you by trying to juggle babysitting and pleasing a bunch of bratty school foals?

Come on Twily, nopony down there respects you. They all know you are nothing more than a pathetic doormat, which is far worse than the self-absorbed bitch you used to be. Hell I have even received letters from ponies down there bashing me over raising you to be so weak! Some have even said they miss the old you because at least you made life interesting back then.

Oh and regarding that supper, don't count on it. Fluttershy is up here telling me that since she gave you a one day reprieve from her, that she will not allow you to do anything for the next two weeks and if you try, she will whip you violently before ramming her hoof up in you.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Twilight,

You know what, you are the worst aunt ever. Had we known that you would not devote all your time to babysitting a niece you claim to love so much, we would have left her at the local daycare. Next time we will just get Starlight to babysit her, we are sure she would do a much better job and not try to juggle pointless shit along with taking care of her.

Sincerely,

Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor

Cadence and Shining Armor,

Look, I was simply trying to improve my image, ok. Fluttershy let me have the day off and I wanted to show everypony here that I am not a doormat that has to be led around on a leash.

Oh and don't even think about leaving her with Starlight. Knowing her, she would take her to visit Trixie and those two would give her a very graphic sex-ed course long before she would be ready.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Special: A Letter from Twilight's Old Friends

Dear Twilight,

We are not sure if what we have heard is true or not but we have heard that Fluttershy wound up cheating on you and you dumped her over it. While we wish to offer our condolences over your heartache, we also want to congratulate you over finally seeing Fluttershy for what she is, a cheating, conniving little whore.

Now we want to extend an invitation for you to join us next Wednesday at the donut shop where you can feast on donuts and guess what, we will pay for them. After our sweet feast, you may join us at Minuette's or you can take us to your old study tower and you can release all that pent up sexual frustration you must have.

We all know you have been breaking for a while, the day you had your appointment with Minuette proved that. She knows you enjoyed the kiss and that you really wanted horn sex but didn't want to get punished. Fluttershy proved she is a disloyal little cunt but remember, you can not have your heart broken by ponies you are not committed to so come join us. We know exactly how to make you forget all about Sluttershy and feel like a queen.

Sincerely,

Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

P.S. I remember after I kissed you and you wrote me the letter claiming that the four of us didn't know what commitment was, well you're wrong. We know what it is but we have absolutely no desire for it. We like the fun we have and that commitment shit would stop us from having the four mare romps we love so much. - Minuette

To My Old Friends,

Look, I appreciate the offer but for now I really do not feel like engaging in any kind of physical touch outside of a light hug. Right now I just need time to heal from all this and realize that intimacy does not guarantee romance like what happened with my ex. I will let you know when I am ready for meaningless horn sex again, ok. For now, just give me time to heal.

Needing Time to Heal,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. Tell you what, once I'm ready you can forget about four mare romps, I will make them five mare romps, alright sexy girls?

Dear Twilight,

Now please don't take too long to heal, alright? We understand you are hurt but we are already making plans for what will happen when you are ready. Trust us, you will love it and you'll never want to do anything with a pony without a horn ever again!

Making Plans,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

To My Old Friends,

Oh I'll let you know, don't worry about that. Hell, I may just show up unannounced someday and if I do, you better be ready. This Sparkle is on the rebound and she may be harder for you to handle than you think!

I'll Be Ready for Fun Eventually,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

The Perfect Pear

Dear Grand Pear,

Do you think we could spend more time together to make up for lost time? We always wished that we had a relationship with our maternal grandfather and now we do. To make matters better, we can bring pear jam into the house now. Let us know, alright?"

Your Grand Foals,

Apple Bloom, Applejack and Big Mac

Dear Apple Bloom, Applejack and Big Mac,

That will all depend on the Almighty God-Emperor Goldner. I am hoping he will let me stay around but I have a strong feeling he won't. We will all just have to write to him and send him pictures of us with puppy-dog eyes and that should sway him.

Your Grandstallion,

Grand Pear

Prickly Old Pear,

Well it is about time you came back and apologized! I know we are trying to make amends but I still blame you for Bright Mac and Pear Butter running off and disappearing without a trace.

Upset our Kids Went Missing,

Granny Smith

Granny Smith,

You have the audacity to blame me? You know what, I think we're both to blame for that tragedy although I have a sneaking suspicion that they may be in prison somewhere over failing to pay their taxes.

Thinking We're Both to Blame,

Grand Pear

Dear Princess Celestia,

We really need to go and bitch again. I was excluded for a second straight week and Goldner promised shit like this wouldn't happen again!

I do have another question, how did Applejack's parents die. I am really curious and I would like to know.

Pissed I Was Excluded Again,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Just fucking get over it, ok? God-Emperor Goldner is a lying bastard and no matter how much we bitch and complain, he will never include any of us, ESPECIALLY ME, as much as we deserve. Hell, I still haven't got an episode devoted to me and it is fucking season seven.

Oh and to answer your other question, Applejack's parents aren't dead. They are up here in the dungeon serving a life sentence for tax evasion and defaulting on numerous loans across Equestria. Don't tell Applejack though, the last thing I need is for her to start bitching and demanding I release her parents, alright?

Imprisoning Applejack's Parents,

Princess Celestia

Special: Limestone's Desires

Dear Colgate,

I know you and your sex starved friends were wanting Marble but I have a question for you. Since all of you seem to like subs, is there a sub anywhere that I could have as my own. Working fourteen hour days everyday does get tiring and I'm going to admit, I'm frustrated, very frustrated. I'll admit I was jealous when Maud got a boyfriend but if you can point me in the direction of a very submissive mare, one I can punish severely, force into subservience and make her my go-to bootie call, let me know. Hell I'll even forgive you for wanting Marble if you point one out to me.

Wanting a Sub to Punish,

Limestone "The Best Pie Sister" Pie

Dear Limestone,

Go to Ponyville. There is this yellow pegasus there named Fluttershy. While she is not nearly as much of a sub as she used to be, I know you'd be able to handle her easily. I know you're tough and if you're rough enough with her, you'll bring out her weak, submissive side. I figure that rather than me torturing her like I did a bitch a whole lot like her, that you using her to release all that pent up stress would make her far more useful! Now I would advise that you go, get her, haul her back out to the rock farm and have your way with her. She will be begging for mercy and when she does, get rougher!

I want to see her go through as much hell as possible for breaking the heart of one of my "friends." In closing though, HAVE FUN!

Hoping You Punish Fluttershy,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Pinkamena,

Hi, I need you to come to the rock farm and bring one of your friends. I have a contact that is close to Twilight and she brought up this yellow pegasus that Marble might be able to relate with. If you could bring her up here, that would be great because Marble thinks I'm terrible company and she thinks you're too hyper. Let me know if you can bring her.

Hoping You'll Bring Fluttershy to the Farm,

Limestone "The Best Pie Sister" Pie

Dear Limestone,

Are you implying that Marble wants a friend? Of course I will bring her with me. They're both quiet and they're both shy! I bet they'll get along just fine!

Hoping Marble Can Make a Friend,

Pinkie Pie

The Break Up Break Down

Dear Big Mac,

Could you please not spy on me in the future? When I thought you were going to dump me I was devastated. Now I'm sure you're looking forward to me being in town every weekend. I'm thinking next weekend we should go to the cafe.

Hoping We Can Go Out,

Sugar Belle

Dear Sugar Belle,

It was all Discord's fault for making me so paranoid. I promise I won't eavesdrop on you again. Also, a date at the cafe sounds great.

Sincerely,

Big Mac

Spike,

If you don't think Hearts and Hooves Day is a commercialized holiday funded by the greeting card companies, think again. Just go and talk to Celestia about how they have bought her off and prevented her from banning the holiday. From what I understand though, Twilight is going to ban it here and punish those who celebrate it severely.

Waiting For Twilight to Punish Those Who Celebrate Hearts and Hooves Day,

Discord

Discord,

Seriously, Twilight is going to ban such a wonderful day? Does she not know how much so many ponies love this holiday? I swear, ever since Fluttershy cheated on her, she has been punishing ponies in love solely for the fun of it but this is going to take the cake. Hell, she won't have enough room in the dungeon so she can't torture all of them! Just you wait, she will have a change of heart and realize how important this holiday is.

Sincerely,

Spike

Spike,

You honestly think I give a shit about the happiness of other ponies? You can buy into this whole "love" shit but even you should know that "love" is just another term for taking advantage of another pony and their kindness. I've been there and done that and trust me, I know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Knowing "Love" is Bullshit,

Slave Driver Twilight,

To My Owner,

Look, you saw how things were between Big Mac and Sugar Belle, you saw how happy they were. If that isn't proof that love truly is real, then what is?

Knowing Love is Real,

Spike

Dear Princess Celestia,

I thought you abolished this fucking holiday, you know the one that celebrates an undesirable prince doping up an Alicorn princess so she would want him and nopony else? I have been doing some thinking and I know exactly why you haven't. You have been bought off by the greeting card companies, the chocolate companies and the floral industries haven't you?

I never once would have thought that you would be bought off like that. You tax my parents into oblivion so I would think that you could stop punishing them over every single little thing since you're raking in the money like there is no tomorrow. Since you are too bought off to end this holiday on a national level, I will ban it on a local level here and change February 14th to Twilight Sparkle Appreciation Day where everypony will chip in so that I can have a golden statue of myself put in the center of town, after tearing down that one of you of course.

Taking Matters into My Own Hooves,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S. You remember Lyra, the one who ran off with a bitch candy maker? Well I already have both of them imprisoned in my castle. Lyra is chained to the bed in my sleeping chambers and Bon Bon is currently locked away in the dungeon awaiting torture. This is going to be fun, too fun!

Dear Princess Twilight,

Look, I am not bought off. I am simply worried about the uprisings that may take place if I take away such a special holiday. You go ahead and ban the holiday down there, I'm sure whatever you decide to do to those who celebrate it will be rather interesting to hear about.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I am glad to see that you have Lyra and Bon Bon imprisoned in your castle. Be sure and make sure that Bon Bon's torture is extra painful and I think it would be great if you had your old firends go down there and teach Lyra exactly what happens to those who betray me. Yes you have been a bitch towards me for ages but at least you never just up and left on your own. Oh and could you do me a favor and be sure to get the punishment of Lyra on tape? I really need something to threaten my new students with, something to scare them into never running off like she did.

Dear Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,

Hi girls! I just thought I would let you know I have Lyra imprisoned in my sleeping chambers and I think you should come join me in punishing her. I am also thinking of abducting three hot florists for celebrating Hearts and Hooves Day as well. How about you come and join me for an epic nine mare orgy?

Hoping You'll Join Me in an Orgy,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

What? You imprisoned Lyra, are planning on abducting some hotties and inviting us? That sounds beyond sweet, a nine mare romp is going to be beyond epic. It is going to be the funnest event that any of us have ever taken part in. We will be getting down there ASAP and all of us will teach Lyra a lesson. We will punish her severely for running away the way she did, especially to hook up with an ugly bitch with a scowl on her face all the time.

Ready for Our Orgy,

Minuette, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts

P.S. Don't forget Twilight, I will dominate ALL of you! - Minuette

Marks for Effort

Dear Princess Celestia,

Right now I am not thrilled with one of my students, nor am I thrilled with my guidance counselor. You see, there was this student of mine named Cozy Glow who wound up failing an exam intentionally after the cutie mark cult had tutored her. Want to know what is worse, Starlight was initially impressed with her deviousness when she admitted what a little bitch she was by failing her exam on purpose. I almost can't help but wonder if there isn't still a bit of season five left in her because if she truly were reformed, she would have been upset, not impressed!

Well I finally decided to give the CMC jobs as student tutors and hopefully they can get Cozy Glow to realize that being a scheming bitch will get her nowhere in my school. Hopefully by the end of the season she will be a sweet little angel and be graduating alongside Sandbar and those creature friends of his.

Upset With Cozy Glow and Starlight,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

You honestly think I care that you are having problems like that? Look, I know you want everything to be peachy but hey, shit happens! If this Cozy Glow pony is causing so many problems, just expel her already! You can go on and think that she will turn into a perfect little angel but with the CMC poisoning her mind, she and those three will likely team up with Starlight, start a trashy supermarket tabloid and print libelous claims about you and me. If that happens, they'll all wind up on the moon quicker than they can blink....well that and Starlight will lose that tax-exempt status of hers.

Not trusting them,

Princess Celestia

Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders,

Thank you for helping me and I am sorry that I wound up making head-mare Twilight so mad at you. I promise that I won't get you in trouble again.

Hoping You'll Forgive Me,

Cozy Glow

Dear Cozy Glow,

We're going to admit, what you pulled was a true bitch move. We helped you and then you pulled that shit? You better be glad that our "perfect little angel" code dictates that we forgive you because if we could act like normal fillies, we'd haul you into Twilight's castle and torture your ass to death.

Still Mad at You,

The Cutie Mark Crusaders

Dear Cozy Glow,

Hey, I like your style! Want to go to Twilight's castle, travel through time with me and be my right hoof pony back in my old village? Given your deviousness I know you'd do a far better job than the dunces I had serving me there.

Impressed,

Guidance Counselor Starlight

Dear Guidance Counselor Starlight,

No! I want to be a good filly now! I want to become such an angel that everypony will love me, especially head-mare Twilight!

Wanting to Be an Angel,

Cozy Glow

Week 4 Hiatus Special: Breaking the Bad News

Dear Fluttershy,

I know that you and I have made plans to become exclusive lovers but after doing some thinking, that is something that I simply can't do. You see, Twilight and I were in the process of repairing what was once a very fractured relationship and were close to being like mother and daughter again. That is something that I do not want to sacrifice. Yes our moment together was wonderful but repairing my motherly relationship with Twilight is a lot more important.

Now Twilight has given me terms and conditions for her forgiveness. One of the terms is that I stop having sex with you. The second is that our private meetings have to end. The third is that I allow her to continue to torture Dr. Fauna and I have agreed on all three of them so sorry but Dr. Fauna will not be released. I also figure I should let you know that since Tree Hugger is a legitimate criminal, that Twilight can keep her imprisoned for as long as she damn well pleases so chances are she will never see the light of day again.

I suppose I owe you an apology for getting your hopes up but I do hope you can understand why I made the decision I did.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Bitchlestia,

You did what? You decided to side with your precious little adoptive daughter in the end? I should have known that a conniving slut like you would pull something like this in the end. I am not going to say much except, "MARK MY WORDS TIA, YOU WILL REGRET DOING THIS TO ME."

Ready to Destroy Your Life,

Fluttershy

Week 7 Hiatus Special: A Direct Order from Celestia

Dear Twilight,

I am issuing you a direct order and if you fail me, you can forget about us ever completely restoring our mother/daughter relationship. I am issuing you a direct order to go and abduct Fluttershy and haul her to your dungeon. Once you have her down there, you are to keep her as a prisoner for six months and torture her on a daily basis, hell twice a day if you so wish.

I am ordering this because that little bitch had a very libelous letter about me printed in every single newspaper in the country. Can you believe that she would accuse innocent little me of screwing my students? Can you believe that she would accuse innocent little me of screwing any random mare that comes along? Come on, I know I can be a bitch at times but the nerve of her. All just because I chose repairing our relationship over putting out for her.

Now not only am I thinking we should punish her via six months of torture. I am thinking that we need to write our own letter and have it published all across Equestria. I think that we need to see to it that everypony knows that what she wrote not only libelous towards me but also advocated a rebellion and brought up a fucking republic. What do you say Twilight, shall we make everypony hate that little bitch more than they already do?

Hoping to Trash Fluttershy's Reputation,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am all for it! I am all for us printing a letter that will go into detail about how Fluttershy broke my heart by cheating on me with Dr. Fauna. Hell I think we should trash her reputation as well. I am still pissed she did this and while I know you want me to be civil towards her, since you brought this up, nothing is off limits, nothing!

Ready to Trash Fluttershy's Reputation,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Week 9 Hiatus Special: Letters Between Friends

Dear Twilight,

We have decided the time has come to punish Fluttershy for her treasonous and libelous ways. Now we know that you have Fluttershy locked up in your dungeon but we think you should release her and let her go home. Let's just say that the four of us have much better plans for that little cunt, plans that will surpass what you could do to her in your dungeon. She needs to know not to fuck with us. Now feel free to join us if you wish but be warned, if this gets out we will do exactly to you what we plan on doing to Flutterbitch.

Now we do have a question though, what night of the week would we be least likely to be spotted going to her cottage? We need to know this so that we can execute our plans with the fewest chances of getting caught. Now remember Twilight, she drug your name through the mud and Princess Celestia's name through the mud. I know this upset you, it upset Celestia and it upset us. Who knows who she may defame next, your parents, your brother, Princess Luna, Flurry Heart or perhaps even Spike? Just let us know if you plan on freeing Fluttershy so we can do this. If you don't, we know of a couple of very sadistic mares we can have join us that will punish anypony who gets in our way, ANYPONY!

Best Regards,

Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Girls,

I'm not sure if this is such a good idea. I know she has done a lot and has defamed all of us but I know that Princess Celestia will not be happy if I was to just free her. She would do who knows what to me and we are trying to repair our relationship. Thing is, we are hoping to have that special mother/daughter relationship that we had before I matured. I am sorry but releasing Fluttershy is not an option. I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

For starters, nopony refers to us as girls. We are all grown mares. Now regarding your refusal to free Flutterbitch. We will give you one more chance to comply with our request and if you refuse, we will be forced to take serious action. Just ask Flutters what happened earlier this year when Pinkamena took her out to the rock farm. If that won't scare you into doing what we are wanting, then you will find out how truly terrible those other mares can really be. So what do you say, will you free her or not?

Best Regards,

Minuette, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Ladies,

Ok, I will free her early on Sunday evening and then on Sunday night, come down and do whatever thing it is that you have planned. However, if the four of you get caught, I will deny knowing anything about this. I am not about to get caught up in a royal scandal involving doing something horrible to Fluttershy over her damn letter. I suppose all I can say is good luck, hopefully you won't get caught and please, don't leave any evidence at the crime scene!

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Week 10 Hiatus Special: A Lesson Learned the Violent Way (Live Action)

Author's Note

Because of the nature of this chapter, things will be done in live action rather than letter format.

Week 10 Hiatus Special: A Lesson Learned the Violent Way (Live Action)

Sunday evening had arrived and as promised, Fluttershy had been released and Twilight's old friends were arriving in town. The four had been in Ponyville plenty of times before so they knew the town for the most part, except for exactly where Fluttershy's cottage was. They began to head towards Twilight's castle when Minuette whispered, "Wait, we can't be seen heading towards Twilight's castle. If we are seen and then Flutterbitch is found severely injured, the will think Twilight is responsible!"

Lemon Hearts replied, "Very well. I know she lives on the outskirts close to the forest so let's head to that side of town and search until we find it."

The other three nodded in agreement and followed the blue unicorn to the edge of the forest and followed her in. They then made a right and began to search the perimeter of the place. It would not take long for them to find their destination, Fluttershy's cottage. As they peered out from behind the trees, they saw a bruised Fluttershy singing and giving her animals what was likely the best meal they had had in quite some time.

When Twinkleshine stepped on a twig, the pegasus immediately heard it. "Huh, what was that?"

While she wanted to continue feeding her animals, she very quickly rushed back into her cottage. This was expected by the four unicorns and they figured that was likely all for the best as there was still enough daylight left that if they headed in now, that they would easily be spotted so they laid in wait.

Two hours had passed and darkness had finally set in over Ponyville and much to their delight, Fluttershy had just shut off her last light. Minuette gave her friends a smile and ordered, "Alright ladies, let's go punish that little bitch."

The four came out of the forest and approached the cottage. Another thing that worked in their favor was that Fluttershy's animals had also turned in for the night. When they approached the door, they discovered that it was locked. That was no problem for them though as Minuette used her magic to unlock the door and they all headed inside.

Once they got inside, they began to bump into things and that immediately caused their target to come downstairs. She turned on the light and saw who was in there and yelled, "What are you doing in here?"

Minuette ordered, "Bring her down, break her wings!"

The four launched themselves at her and immediately began to beat on her. Fluttershy tried to shake them off and get airborne but that would be impossible when Minuette threw her down and broke one of her wings. Fluttershy was laying there in agony screaming as the four had began to stomp her. After a couple of minutes Minuette ordered, "Stop!"

Her friends stopped and Minuette began to go through the drawers in her kitchen. She remembered the joy she got of drilling holes in human Fluttershy and wanted to do something similar to pony Fluttershy. After a couple minutes of searching, she found an antique corkscrew. She snickered, "This will be perfect, absolutely perfect!"

Minuette returned with it and ordered, "Hold her down ladies, this one needs some new assholes!"

Her friends began to hold her down while Minuette took the corkscrew to her. As she began to drill into her, blood began to flow and Fluttershy was screaming in agony, "What did I do to deserve this?"

Moondancer slammed her hoof down on her face and yelled, "You called us out by name in your libelous letter you bitch. I would think that even you would know not to slander ponies like that!"

Fluttershy began to respond when Moondancer again slammed her hoof down on her muzzle, breaking it this time. The four mares began to laugh manically as Minuette returned to drilling holes in her. Despite knowing that her fate was either going to be very bad, perhaps even fatal, Fluttershy continued to struggle and yell, hoping that somepony would hear her cries and come to her aid.

Eventually Minuette had enough of her cries. She grabbed her head, began to slam it into the floor and yelled, "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Fluttershy, despite being weakened by the ordeal again tried shaking the four off of her. Minuette developed a scowl on her face, smacked her and growled, "So, this Shy wants her body broken too, huh?"

Minuette ordered her friends to stand back as she got up, kicked Fluttershy onto her stomach, pounced on her and put her in a body lock. She began to put an immense amount of pressure on the pegasus. It would not be long until she broke all four of her legs, causing her to scream out in agony. Moondancer suggested, "Minuette, you've broken her legs, I think we should get going."

Minuette shouted, "No! This one has to learn not to fuck with us!"

Minuette pulled her onto her side, wrapped her front hooves around her and began to press in on her chest. As she continued to pull the pegasus closer to her, she began to scream in agony. Minuette had a feeling that a few of her ribs were about to break and would be elated when she heard the sounds of bones breaking, followed by a deafening cry from Fluttershy.

Once she had broke a few ribs, Minuette finally let go of her and asked, "So Shy, are you going to do this again? Are you going to slander us again?"

Fluttershy whimpered, "No." She began to cry loudly, "Just please stop! Please don't kill me."

Minuette nodded, "Very well, we shall let you live."

Minuette got onto her knees and suggested, "Shall we get going? We want to get out of here before somepony wonders why she has her lights on this late."

They nodded in agreement and as the four of them were getting up, Minuette wrapped Fluttershy's tail around her hoof and ripped it out, causing a loud scream from Fluttershy. Twinkleshine saw this and asked, "Minuette, why did you do that?"

Minuette laughed, "Because I wanted a trophy. I ripped out enough that all four of us can share a bit of it." She then looked at Twinkleshine's mane and asked, "Could you hide this in your mane? It will blend into it more easily than it would ours."

Twinkleshine nodded and as they left, Minuette turned the lights off so that nopony would suspect anything nor would they be able to just barge in immediately, Minuette put a lock spell on the door. Once they left, they headed back into the forest to loop around town before returning to the train station to go home.

The four were very quiet on the way home and Twinkleshine did her best to make sure that Fluttershy's tail that she was hiding in her mane did not become visible. Once they got home, three of them were nervous but one of them was satisfied, satisfied that they had punished a troublemaker. Minuette asked, "Well ladies, shall we split our trophy and then get back home?"

Lemon Hearts replied, "Well I think I'll pass on this whole trophy thing. It just seems kind of creepy to keep something like that."

Her other two friends gave similar responses so Minuette took the whole tail home with her. Once she got home, she headed into her bedroom with a huge smile on her face as she opened her drawer and laid Fluttershy's tail next to human Fluttershy's wad of hair. She snickered, "Mission accomplished, two Fluttershys put in their place!"

SPOILER Special: Trailer Troubles

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the actual fuck? I don't know if this is true or not but I have heard rumors that you and Luna are going to retire. What is worse is that I have heard that you are going to expect me to run the show. Now listen to me Tia, I have no desire to put up with the shit you have to deal with. I have my own problems to handle, I certainly don't need any more. Also, if you put me in charge, I would have far less time on my hooves to torture undesirables and have fun with my old friends. I think things like that are way more important than having to put up with shit like town halls, summits and having to put up with the snobs you do.

I have some advice, since you are constantly making hints about her being your daughter, put Starlight up there in your place. Hey, if she is a blood relative of yours it should be her birthright to take over. I am so sick and tired of her outshining me down here and I am getting sick and tired of her and Trixie keeping me up all night. Let her outshine me up there instead and when things go to hell with foreign ambassadors, your little Starlie will be to blame, not me!

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to have a meltdown and hope the hell that this is all just a crock of shit. Sorry TIA but I don't want to have to rule Equestria, I don't have the patience to and if you do put me in charge, I'm going to purge many, many undesirables. The streets will run red with their blood and it will be all your fault.

Not Wanting to Take Over,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Look, you just seem to be the one that would be perfect for the job. Also, if I move you up here you will be much closer to your old friends! Nopony ever said that you actually had to welcome all those snobs into the castle, you can always just make the excuse that you have to go have fun with your old friends. Hell, I'm pretty sure nopony will even ask what you mean by "have fun with your old friends!" I'm sorry Twilight but I want to see how long it takes you to have that epic meltdown that will cause my sister and I to have to come back.

Now Luna is giving you ten years but I'm guessing that some terrible villain will return not long after we retire and we'll have to come back and save Equestria, then re-take control of it. Wouldn't that be something? You screwing up and then us having to come along and shine like we always should have? Oh well, I guess we shall see who wins the bet. Sweet Mother of Faust I hope it is me because that would prove to those writers that only natural born Alicorns, well them along with their powerful daughters, are fit to rule this country.

Ready to Watch You Fail,

Princess Celestia

Special: Colgate's Correspondence with Celestia Part 4

Dear Princess Celestia,

Very well, these letters will not go public. However, let me warn you that they will not be incinerated until after the series is over AND my friends and I can execute our plans for Fluttershy. I'm not going to go into too many details but I will say this. Our lives will wind up being much, much easier while Flutterbitch's will become much more difficult. If she thinks cleaning up after those dumb animals of hers is a pain in the ass, she hasn't seen anything yet!

Oh and also I would appreciate it if you made some sort of law that would require anypony in the royal family to come and see me. Yes that would include your daughter once you make her a princess AND Twilight's little sex toy up in the Crystal Empire too. I've never dealt with her before and I think it is high time Cadence shares that horn with somepony other than just Twilight.

Now that all that is cleared up, you have a pleasant day!,

Dr. M. Colgate, D.D.S.

Dear Colgate,

I can tell by the way you are wording things that you want to be like your human counterpart and have Fluttershy as a domestic slave, I mean wife, right? Well once all is said and done if that is your plan for her, go through with it. I'm still pissed over what she did to Twilight and made me look bad that I shall allow it. Hey, once the series is over Goldner can't do shit to stop her from being punished!

Now regarding that law you are wanting me to make, I don't know if I can make it a law but I can use threats against both Cadence and Twilight to make sure that she ditches the dentist up there and comes down to see you. Now I am glad that we have this cleared up and there won't be any massive problems arising.

You Have A Good Day As Well,

Princess Celestia

She's All Yak

Dear White Professor Pony,

Why did you and other professors try to turn yak into something she is not? Why did you make Yona think she had to wear dress when no other females did? Yona is disappointed in all of you, especially purple pony and slutty yellow pony. Yona should have just went with her instincts and went as what she is, a yak, not a ponified version of Yona.

Yona

P.S. Yona still not nominate slutty yellow pony or promiscuous purple pony for teacher of the month. Yona only nominate Professor Rockhoof because he is big, strong and honorable, just like yaks!

Yona,

Look, you came to me wondering if you had to dress up and the six of us simply assisted you in the way you wanted. Nopony forced you to come to us for advice but I suppose it all turned out fine in the end and you discovered that Sandbar likes you for who you are and not what you aren't. Think of it as a learning lesson, just be yourself, alright?

Professor Rarity

P.S. Oh and unless you start nominating me for teacher of the month, I will dock points off of all your exams, got it?

Yona,

You know you didn't have to get all dolled up for me and try to act like a pony. I know you were trying to impress me but I like you because of how you are. I like you the way you are, not you trying to be a pony. Next time something comes up like this, don't let our professors try to turn you into a pony. You are a yak and I like your yakness, alright?

Sincerely,

Sandbar

Sandbar,

Yona sorry. Yona just thought because of trophy that Yona had to be like a pony. Next time Yona know not to act like pony.

Yona

Frenemies

Dear Grogar,

Look, we're sorry we couldn't get your damn bell but the place where Gusty hid it is impossible to get to. It took everything and then some to get up that mountain but the entrance was sealed by some freaky magic. If your magic is so damn strong why don't you just go get it yourself? You pulled Tirek and Cozy Glow out of Tartarus so pulling that bell out of that cave should be nothing for you.

Not Upset We Failed to Get your Fucking Bell,

The Legion of Doom

Mr. Grogar, had you just put me in charge, we would have got your stupid bell. You should have known that Tirek and Chrysalis would fight so much that we'd be doomed to fail. Just remember, if you need us to do anything again in the future, put me in charge, ok? - Cozy Glow

To My Worthless Subordinates,

I sent you on that quest so maybe you'd actually get along for a change but I suppose even a simple mission to retrieve a missing object is too much for you three screw ups to handle. Guess what, I will retrieve my bell myself and once I have it, no one will be safe from me, especially you three. Forget me going after those cursed ponies, I'll just punish you instead.

Your Master and Superior,

Lord Grogar

P.S. Tirek, unless that little winged rat you brought with you stops eating my cupcakes, I'm going to charge you rent, rent you likely can't afford. So unless you want me to evict you, tell that bratty foal of yours to stay away from my cupcakes.

Dear Spoiled Rich,

Look, you are going to have to start paying me foal support so I can keep a roof over Cozy Glow's head. Now you are to tell nopony this but this powerful goat by the name of Grogar freed us from Tartarus and now we live with him. However, thanks to our daughter having your appetite and stuffing her face with cupcakes like a damn pig, Grogar has threatened to throw us out unless I start paying rent. Trust me, if you won't do it willingly, I'll have Grogar come after you and you certainly don't want him coming after you.

Your Ex and Biological Father of the Better Child,

Lord Tirek

P.S. So how does it feel knowing your other kid, Diamond Bitch is it, is completely irrelevant? Filthy must be so embarrassed that his daughter is useless while mine nearly drained all the magic from Equestria.....Cozy really is a chip off the old block, a supervillain like me while Diamond will wind up just like you, easy as pie!

Oh and as far as where to send the checks, just have that mail mare there deliver them to Tambelon, alright?

Dear Tirek,

Seriously, you are expecting me to pay up or you'll send this Grogar guy after me? Please, there is no way in hell that some superpowered goat that got you and Cozy out of Tartarus could force me to pay you foal support. Can't you just go steal somepony's magic and demand money out of them in exchange for their magic? And when it comes to Diamond, I know she ain't the brightest bulb in the box and I know she isn't a conniving, manipulative genius like Cozy but then again look at who her father is. You are Cozy's father while Diamond's father is nothing more than a rich colt who believed I was taking my pills before we got married....that is why Diamond is such a failure.

Fine, I'll find a way to send you foal support but don't be surprised if Derpy or whatever her name is gets suspicious I'm sending mail to some place I've never heard of before.

Insincerely,

Spoiled Rich

Cozy,

I really think you need to know something. Your mother has kept this from you for quite some time but Filthy Rich is not your father, I am. There is a reason why you are so smart, you got your smarts from me. Now don't go calling me daddy around Grogar and Chrysalis because I don't want them knowing I have a foal, alright? Neither one of them would ever let me live it down that I once loved somepony, especially Chrysalis. Even though I act like I merely tolerate you, I do love you, alright?

Sincerely,

Dad

Dear Daddy,

I always had a feeling you were my father and it looks like I was right! That is why I look up to you so much. I always knew that you were better than Filthy and I also always wondered why mom never let me go out in public and had me sent off to Twilight's school in the middle of the night all by myself. At least now I have a caring parent. Oh and could you get me a Twilight Sparkle figure to destroy once mommy starts paying foal support?

Love,

Your Precious Daughter Cozy Glow

Dear Diamond Tiara,

It must really suck to be you, huh? I know at one time you always thought you were the best but in all reality you are worthless. I am just like my daddy! I stole so much magic from Equestria and manipulated everypony around me into thinking I was this sweet innocent thing while all you've ever done was be an attention whore, a mindless bully and now that you are nice, you are nothing! Mommy may love you more but my daddy is better than yours and that is all that matters!

Your Vastly Superior Half-Sister,

Cozy Glow

To My Evil Half-Sister,

Oh yes, you are so much better because some supervillain centaur is your father. You think you are so much better since you are a conniving little bitch who nearly drained all the magic from Equestria and fooled Princess Twilight into trusting you. At least I was never kept in the basement for years nor was I shipped off to Twilight's school in the middle of the night. You may think you are better than me but at least I never got thrown in prison like you did. Go ahead and think you're better than me but I will be laughing when you and your father are back in Tartarus where you belong.

The Better Half-Sister,

Diamond Tiara

Special: Promises to the Canterlot Four

Dr. Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,

I have some good news for the four of you. Remember how Fluttershy played the ditz card a while back? Well as it turns out that is not how she really is and I have some even better news. Twilight finally used her executive powers and forced Fluttershy into her bed against her will and is now planning on issuing an executive order that she join her on her next trip up to see all of you. Don't be surprised if Twilight winds up dragging her up there sometime and when she does, just remember about how she slandered all of us when Twilight orders her to put out for the four of you.

Now I'm sure you are likely wondering why I am suddenly going to allow this. I am going to allow this because from what I understand, Goldner isn't as protective of Fluttershy as he seems to be. I just got to thinking of something funny, I will use my executive powers to force Fluttershy to marry all four of you! Another fun bit, Fluttershy has erotic dreams about her having Twilight's babies but I am thinking it would be the babies of one of you four, hell with it, all of yours, that she will ultimately have! Don't worry though, everything else I promised, it will happen!

Spreading the Good News,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Seriously, we're going to wind up getting Flutterbitch in the end after all? This is sweet, fucking sweet! You have no idea how happy we are now that we know we will have a domestic slave, we mean wife, to clean up after us and to be forced to put out on demand! Now you know we always look forward to our little sub coming up to visit but now we are looking forward to this more than ever!

We are also happy to know that everything else we are demanding will be met. Being kick ass immortal Alicorn princesses like you will be amazing, having our own castle will be amazing and having little Shy as ours will make life truly wonderful. Hell we'll even invite you over for when we give Flutters her initiation ceremony! Thanks for letting us know, we're all so excited over this!

Happy as Larks,

Dr. Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Hi girls!,

I just thought I would let you know that I used my executive powers to force Fluttershy to worsen her quality of life to make me happy. I am also going to let you in on something, I will be bringing her up to the four of you as an offering since Princess Celestia gave me the green light to make her life hell for the crimes she has committed in the past. Now when I will be coming I'm not sure because Dragon Lord Ember has demanded that I punish her in multiple ways for trying to dragonnap some baby dragons. Trust me though, when it happens, Fluttershy will finally get it through her vet-screwing skull that fucking with the most powerful ponies in the land will come back to bite her in the ass. See you soon!

Looking Forward to Giving You Fluttershy as an Offering,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight,

Sweet! We are happy to hear that you finally got that bitch in bed against her will and have decided to make her quality of life go down the toilet. Now we will gladly accept the offering you will be bringing up to us and we do hope you will join us in the initiation ceremony. Now we know we won't get to keep her until a few months down the road but still, she needs to know what to expect from the four hottest and kinkiest unicorns in all of Equestria.

Now we do know about how kidnappers, or dragonnappers, are punished in the dragon lands and we are happy to know that Ember gave her to you to punish. Now one thing will be for certain, once the four of us get to keep her, she will never see that slutty vet ever again. Perhaps once Flutters is forced into marriage with the four of us, you could finally put that vet and that junkie you have detained out of their misery. You may as well since Fluttershy won't know anything about them anymore anyway.

Now don't take too long to bring us our offering because you know how much we hate waiting, got that sexy girl?

Waiting for Our Offering,

Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine

Going to Seed

To My Relatives,

Now y'all know I ain't much of a talker but seriously, this whole Great Seedlin' nonsense ain't nothing more than a old mares' tale we tell foals to make them want to take part in the harvest instead of just gripin' and complainin.' Now Applejack, at first y'all were bein' rational and knowin' that this was just a bunch of bullshit and pretendin' so Apple Bloom would be happy but now, y'all are back to belevin' in this? Grow up already. You saw that I was bustin' my flank all night long just so Apple Bloom would be happy.

Come next confluence, we're not doing any of this Great Seedlin' bullshit. I don't feel like busting my flank 24/7 for several days to keep your belief of an old mares' tale going. If you do, I'll contact the most powerful pony in the land to nip it in the bud.

Dead Tired and Pissed Off,

Big Mac

Big Mac,

Look, we know you did the thing with the apples but what about them carrots? What about the tracks it made with them carrots. If you don't seriously know it exists, then you're just being too uptight.

Knowing the Great Seedlin' Exists,

Your relatives

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know y'all probably ain't going to care about this but because of some legend about the Great Seedlin' coming along every confluence and it makin' the harvest better, I had to do almost all the work while my younger sisters were out setting traps trying to catch that thing. I worked all day and all night just to keep this thing going for Apple Bloom. I even laid apples out in crazy patterns so she'd be happy and then Applejack suddenly started believin' in this thing again. It didn't help that our cousin Goldie brought it up. Look, I'm dead tired and I don't want to go through this again. Could you perhaps intervene come next confluence?

Hoping You'll Help,

Big Mac

Big Mac,

I can't believe I'm going to say this but you are a good, hard working stallion (one of only two I respect) so sure, I'll help. It may not be in the way you hope though. Let me know when the next confluence comes along and I will go down there myself and break the bad news to them since they don't believe you. Even better, if they still demand you do this, I'll tell them that I will take Apple Bloom back to Canterlot with me as a permanent house keeper. If that doesn't scare them into being a rational thinking bunch, nothing will.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Growing Up is Hard to Do

Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom,

I can't believe you three would do something so stupid as to not only make a wish about you being grown up but also give us horrible advice? We should have known something was up when you constantly put so much emphasis on being grown ups. A word of advice, just wait to grow up, alright?

Spur and Biscuit

Spur and Biscuit,

Look, we're sorry ok. We just wanted to be grown ups and go to the fair alone and we went a bit overboard.

Sincerely,

The Cutie Mark Crusaders

Dear CMC,

I wish, I wish, I wish you three would go drown in a ditch! Just leave the wishing to the professionals, alright. Back in Ponyland I wished a lot and I got what I wanted, I didn't foul things up like you three do. No wonder my G4 counterpart still doesn't trust you or like you all that much.

Sincerely,

G1 Twilight

Dear Princess Celestia,

We know that letter from some Ponylander was nothing more than a hate letter from you. We know you want us to drown in a ditch so you can stop with this fucking G1 Twilight act. You know, we were thinking of issuing you an actual apology for all the antics we have pulled but not now, not ever! Suck it up Cakeass, you'll never get an apology.

Sincerely,

The CMC

To my future PERMANENT slaves,

Guess what? Once all is said and done, you will become slaves to my sister and I. Wherever we choose to live, you will be our housekeepers and Luna and I can make horrible messes if we decide to do so. Also, I don't need an apology from your pathetic asses. You three are nothing more than future slave labor to me and I hope you realize that. Now do me a favor and practice your cleaning skills, you're going to need to be your best once I own you three.

Your Master and Overlord,

Princess Celestia

To the CMC,

Guess what? I have decided that I will never allow you three screw-ups in my castle again and once I am ascended to Goddess-Empress of Equestria, you won't be allowed in my castle in Canterlot either and if you ever step hoof into anything of mine, I will execute you three and enjoy every second of it.

Sincerely,

Equestria's Soon to Be Empress,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight,

Yeah right bitch! We know for a fact that Cakeass will wind up doing something to prevent you from ever ascending like that. We know she will likely ascend her alleged daughter to ruling this country and since Starlight isn't a bitch like you, we know she will pardon us of all the things we have done and we won't have to worry about being turned into slave labor.

Sincerely,

The CMC

Post-Series Special 1: The Summons

Dear Firelight,

I am writing you to let you know that Starlight's time has come. She has done so much good to help Equestria including saving us from Chrysalis and the pony of shadows. She has helped Twilight so much by giving her good advice and calming her down when she has her meltdowns that she is truly deserving of this.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Really, Starlight's time has come? I am so happy that our little angel has finally done what needs to be done to fulfill the destiny I knew that she has always had. Now I do have some advice, don't let the other one take over because I have my concerns that she will throw Equestria's borders open to outsiders.

Sincerely,

Firelight

Dear Starlight, Trixie and Twilight,

Starlight, your time has come. A very powerful pony is on his way to Canterlot to do for you what the big brass would not allow me to do. Not only will you be ascended but so will Trixie and to make things even better, your father will be here AND so will your mother. Yep, you will finally get to meet your mother. She is kind of anxious about how you will react because of how she had to have Firelight raise you but just know, she does love you and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of you and your great and powerful soon to be wife.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Oh and Twilight, you need to come too because we have to have a discussion about your future role and whether I will let you take over or not. As you know, the visions I saw in that crystal ball do bother me and I do need to know what your real plans will be for Equestria should Luna and I actually decide to retire.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Really? I'm finally going to get my wings, I'm finally going to get to meet my mom and I'm probably going to get to marry Trixie? You have no idea how happy I am. This is something that I have waited for for so long and it is finally going to happen! I will admit, I'm kind of nervous about meeting my mom but I know you wouldn't lie about her loving me so that does make things a bit less stressful. Trixie and I are so excited to get up there so our destinies can be fulfilled.

Sincerely,

Starlight Glimmer

P.S. Princess Celestia, you aren't going to let me take over, are you? You're going to wind up being a conniving, backstabbing, lying bitch aren't you? I should have known that you would deny me what is rightfully mine. I will come up there but just wait you treasonous, cake craving glutton, I will depose you before you can put your precious daughter on the throne and begin a new glorious era of Equestria, a more welcoming Equestria....one where ponies aren't viewed as superior to other creatures and we won't have anycreature starving because of a lack of bits.