The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: mature
Tags: Mrs. Cake, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Other, Fancypants, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Sex, Main 6
Length: 1423

Rainbow Dash is being pursued by leprechauns who are determined to find the pot of gold at the end of her rainbow. Shenanigans ensue.

Berry Punch went to Earth for St. Patrick's Day and brought back leprechauns (always check your luggage for leprechauns). Now they're in Ponyville, and being leprechauns they're naturally looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Well, there's only one Rainbow in Ponyville, and it's plainly obvious where the rainbow ends.

TRIGGER WARNING: the obvious place where the rainbow ends, the other obvious place, something that is probably a fetish, implied coprophagia, shipping, blatant disregard for canon, likely insulting to the Irish.

Published 2019-03-17 15:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-03-17 15:30:02 UTC

The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow

The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow
Admiral Biscuit

It was a typical Tuesday in Ponyville, except that there currently wasn't a monster attack going on.

It was still early.

Rainbow Dash rocketed over the town, a shimmering rainbow marking her path. She was perpetually scheduled to have Tuesdays off, due to the number of times she'd missed work to settle some monster's hash. It was just easier to not have to deal with that paperwork, especially while Ponyville was recovering from the aftermath of said monster attack.

A lot of ponies didn't appreciate how early Rainbow got up and started her morning exercises. This was mostly because even subsonic rainbooms aren't quiet (nor is breaking glass), and nopony really appreciated waking up to that as opposed to a cock.

Or an alarm clock, for those who didn't keep chickens.

The sun had barely crossed the horizon when she finally landed, skidding to a perfect stop in front of a familiar green biped who was drinking a pint of Guinness and applauding loudly—loudly enough to wake up anypony her subsonic rainboom hadn't.

“Top of the morning to ye!”

“Hey, Anon, what's up?”

“Seamus.”

“Pfft, whatever.” Rainbow waved a hoof. “You're all called Seamus. Why's that?”

“'Tis a traditional Irish name.”

“Sure, yeah, but aren't there any other traditional Irish names?”

“Aye, there's Mickey.” Seamus took off his green top hat and held it to his breast. “But Walt Disney sued the pants off of us even though we had the name first, and now we can't use it. Má fhreastalaíonn mé riamh ar cheann de na dlíodóirí chluasach sin a bhfuil gnéas aige lena mháthair, bainfidh mé an ceart as ina phionós beag bídeach.”

“What?”

“Never you mind.” He set his hat firmly back atop his head.

Unseen by Rainbow, another leprechaun was sneaking around her backside on the quest for a pot of gold. All leprechauns knew that there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and while back on Earth such a thing was somewhat subjective—especially after Science had pointed out that rainbows were round—there was no such confusion here. The rainbow ended at Rainbow Dash's dock, and therefore under it must be a pot of gold.

Seamus (not the one that Rainbow was talking to, but the other one) grabbed her tail in his left hand and lifted, leaning close in order to see the treasure. To his disappointment, there was no pot of gold to be found.

I'll have to go deeper, he thought, and reached forward.

He'd just gotten a fistful of something when Rainbow realized what was happening and she lashed out with both hind legs simultaneously. Seamus (II) took both hooves to the chest, propelling him up into the air at nearly Sonic Rainboom speed. He left behind a trail of shimmering shamrocks, along with a Doppler-shifted fading scream.

He slammed into the ground in a spray of sod and tumbled ass over teakettle until a friendly tree finally halted his forward progress. Only then, gasping for breath due to the fact that all his ribs were broken, did he finally examine his prize.

A handful of Skittles.

“B'fhiú é,” he said weakly, and popped one into his mouth. “It was worth it.”

🌈 🌈 🌈

Noontime found the Mane 6 + Starlight Glimmer gathered at Sugarcube Corner. Applejack was there, too.

“We are never letting Berry Punch go to Ireland for St. Patrick's Day again,” Rainbow said. “Those leprechauns are a menace.”

“A luck,” Fluttershy helpfully informed her. “A group of leprechauns is called a luck.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don't care what they're called; one of them just reached in my butt.”

Her pronouncement was met with mostly silence. Pinkie Pie started breathing hard.

“If I'd've known that's what they were after, I'd've just taken a dump in their yard.”

Her further pronouncement was also met with silence (except for Pinkie Pie breathing harder and starting to sweat a little bit). Rarity didn't say 'Darling, language,' or 'that's crude,' or anything of the sort, which was odd because that was the kind of thing that Rarity would usually say in that situation.

In fact, a faint blush was beginning to creep across her cheeks.

“Rarity?”

“Ah think they got to her,” Applejack said. She pulled a doll out from under her hat. “Show us where they touched you, Rarity.”

“They were after me Lucky Charms. I mean, my Lucky Charms.”

“And?”

Rarity's blush deepened. “Well, what's a mare to do? Their accents are just so lovely, and so I did the deed right in front of their house. Where anypony could have seen. Like a common animal.”

Pinkie Pie started panting.

“That's called a symbiotic relationship,” Twilight helpfully informed the rest of the girls. “It's any type of a close and long-term biological interaction between two different biological organisms, be it mutualistic, commensalistic, or parasitic. The organisms, each termed a symbiont, may be of the same or of different species.”

Starlight Glimmer clapped her hooves together. “Thank you for that, ~~Wikipedia~~ Twilight.”

“Nopony wants to eat my poop,” Pinkie Pie said dejectedly.

“Because it's candy pumpkins. Those things are nasty.” That was Mrs. Cake.

“She's right, you know.” Fancy Pants opined.

🌈 🌈 🌈

The leprechanus were not after Skittles, of course. That should be obvious, right? What use would they have for Skittles? If they'd wanted to taste the rainbow, they could have just redacted because oddly enough this goes too far. Or not too far enough.

🌈 🌈 🌈

Rainbow kept her guard up from that point on. She also made a point of shitting on their lawn in the hopes that that would keep them away from her, or at least fatten them up to the point that they could no longer effectively chase her.

Rainbow should have learned from Pinkie Pie that eating too much sugar causes ponies and leprechauns to be super-hyper. Also to see the future.

But they (the leprechauns) bided their time and waited until Seamus (II) was out of the hospital before striking again.

🌈 🌈 🌈

It was a Wednesday, so Rainbow's guard was down. She'd just finished up her morning shift cloud-punching and was looking forward to lunch.

Wednesdays were market day. Mayor Mare had decreed that, since ponies selling fresh produce helped make one forget that the town was a ruined wasteland from the monster attack the day before. Plus a lot of ponies liked comfort food after a day of screaming in terror and hiding in the basement listening to their house collapse over them.

Rainbow was contemplating timothy grass or alfalfa when the ~~little bastards~~ leprechanus rushed up behind her all ninja-like. Seamus I grabbed her tail and lifted it while Seamus's III and IV held on to her hind legs in the false believe that she couldn't kick while there was a leprechaun holding on to her legs. Seamus II did the honors and reached in lower than he had on his previous attempt, and once again he clenched his hand around the prize.

This time his reaction was faster, or hers was slower, or maybe a combination of both. To be fair, not only had Rainbow not been expecting this assault upon her person, but then her first thought had been that it was Applejack fucking with her.

“I got it, boys!” Seamus II cried proudly. “Pota an óir!”

“That's not a pot of gold,” Seamus I observed. “It's a Hello Kitty wallet.”

It was at that moment that Rainbow realized what had actually happened. “Hey!”

“Aye and begorrah! Hay is for horses, you silly pony!” Seamuses 1-4 giggled and scrambled off, Rainbow in hot pursuit.

“Rainbow Miriam Dash?” Seamus II squinted at her library card.

“Shut up. Nopony knows!”

He tossed the card behind him, and Rainbow slowed long enough to pick it up before somepony found out her middle name wasn't Danger. Or Responsibility, or any of the other things she'd claimed it was.

“I got the prize, boys!” Seamus (II) held up a shiny gold card—an A Mare Can Express [as in, 'A Mare Can Express her wealth with this credit card! Seriously, that's their slogan. Look it up.]

“I need that for shopping,” Rainbow cried, and continued pursuing them.

🌈 🌈 🌈

Pinkie Pie watched the pursuit, her mouth full of chicken tenders.

The End.

Author's Note

Click HERE for story notes! And an apology.