Chapters 1 - Falling Pebbles on a Mountain
Throughout history, the causes of war have varied wildly. Naked unabashed ambition, realpolitik behind a mask of righteousness, tragedies of misunderstanding, and rarely even genuine heroism have all their days. It has never been recorded, however, that a war began over a rude and ill considered letter to the editor. Especially not one read in the kitchen of a literal castle of friendship. A lack of coffee, however, has much more of a presence in those annals than you would hope.
Tempest, nee Fizzlepop Berrytwist, seized her newspaper in her chaotic aura with a growl and twisted it into a mass of separated fibers and ink dust. Idiot press, she thought, as it drifted down to the table. Where did they think they got off? Bad Mouthing the Princesses, bad mouthing the guard, bad mouthing my hard work…
"Um, Tempest? What was that?" Spikes voice from the stove made her start. Ah, right, she thought, the Princess. The one slumped on the other side of the kitchen table, coffee cup floating in her aura, with a nest of a bed mane. The one staring at me with wide and bloodshot eyes. The one who isn't used to my temper and is solely responsible for my parole. That princess.
"Heh...sorry." Tempest abashedly prodded the mass of former paper with her hoof. A mote of residual mana chose that moment to discharge, the spark instantly catching in the fiber and going up like a sawdust fire.
"Gah!" Tempest glanced around desperately for something to put it out with. There! She leapt up, and expertly struck the coffee cup to send it hurling through the air. The splash of scalding liquid extinguished most of it with a hiss, while the cup itself neatly landed upside down in the center of the flames, smothering the rest. Tempest looked hopefully at Twilight. Twilight was still staring. So was Spike. There was a moment of silence, punctuated by the clatter of the saucer as it came to rest and the drip of coffee from the table. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.
Tempest had just enough time to contemplate that she had just kicked away the coffee from a decaffeinated Twilight, and the various forms her doom might take, when Twilight simply slammed her head into the table with a groan. "SPIKE! Protocol 32 B!" She yelled, apparently to the ground, and then vanished with a flash.
Mortification was not an emotion that came naturally to Tempest, but somehow she was managing it. Oh Harmony, she thought. I've really done it this time. At least I've discovered a new form of field-expedient firestarter. Which I'll be needing when she banishes me. Spike, meanwhile, had hopped off his cooking stool and was already assiduously cleaning the table.
"So," she said after a moment, mostly to break the awkward silence, "Protocol 32 B?"
"Oh yeah." Spiked looked up from his cleaning for a moment. "Haven't had one of those in awhile. Starlight has been spending more time in the Crystal Empire lately, making plans for Twilight's big school and all."
That explained less than nothing to Tempest. "So...what does it mean then?"
"Well..." Spike hedged. "It kinda means 'I've given up on this morning as hopeless, I'm going back to bed and trying again'." He stopped at her appalled look. "Don't worry though! It could have been much worse, 32 C is when it gets really serious."
Mortification was giving way to morbid fascination. "So...these protocols. They just keep escalating?"
"Oh yeah. Protocol 32 goes up to a hypothetical class F. So you're fine. Really. And besides, she's WAY too tired for time travel. She'll be back down in half an hour and we'll have another go at this."
Time travel, thought Tempest. He's joking. Probably. All my intel said that, without using the Map of Harmony to reweave destiny, time travel resulted in closed loops. Heck, that was the biggest reason I sent troops to Ponyville in the first place. And Twilight wouldn't do that over a breakfast gone wrong.
Right?
"Heh, it's strange to see someone even more into planning than me." She said aloud. Spike looked up at her curiously. "I was a general you know."
"Yeah, kinda hard to forget." Spike frowned. "Hey, I know it's rude to dig at the reformed villain's past and all that. I've learned something hanging out with Starlight. But what was with the whole 'destroying the bad news' evil overlord routine there?"
Tempest sighed. "Yeah, that was a bit much wasn't it? I'm sorry. It was just a stupid editorial but it hit close to home."
"You mean all those jerks writing in against leniency, and how Celestia and Twilight were being hopelessly naive? I thought Twilight warned you about those."
"No, those make sense. When they say that this is more than I deserve, they're not wrong." She raised a hoof before Spike could interrupt. "I remember what Twilight said, that forgiveness isn't about whether you deserve it. And she's probably right." Even if it's hard to remember on the bad days, she didn't say aloud. "No, this was more fools braying about the stupidity and uselessness of the Royal Guard. About helpless Princesses and Discord betraying us, and on and on and on. They make it sound like I just flew right into Canterlot on a whim and took over."
"You didn't?"
"Oh please” she scoffed. “I worked hard to make it look that easy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not proud of what I did. But it’s more than a bit insulting that all my effort is being put down to luck and the guard being useless. And they really do know their stuff. Do you have any idea how many kinds of dead I'd be if I'd tried that? And that was if Discord didn't get to me first."
Spike scratched his crest. "I don't know. It was always Twilight and Shining who were into the guard stuff. And I was pretty little then anyway. I did always like playing general with them though." He puffed his chest out. "She always made me her Number One Aide-de-Camp. Or had me stomp the book fort when Shining wasn't looking."
Now there was an adorable image, Tempest thought. Tiny Twilight, Terror of Equestria. She smiled a bit, despite the topic. Much better use of a childhood than I made of it. Actually... "You know, maybe we should try that again some time."
"Well, I don't think with book forts. Twilight has gotten much more particular over the years..." Tempest shook her head.
"No, not like kids games. Actual war games with the guard, to assess readiness and strategy. I'm not saying there weren't problems, or I wouldn't have been able to do what I did. But real serious drills, to find the problems and work out solutions before" someone like me "anyone takes advantage of them. And it would let the public see we're serious about this."
"Huh, too bad we can't get a Danger Room."
Tempest blinked. "A what?"
"A danger room. You know, like the Power Pony comics?” Tempest shook her head. “Oh it was awesome. When Luna returned they had an issue where she made them a whole dream world to practice fighting their enemies. And they practiced against each other too, in case one of them turned evil. Of course, after the Tantabus they had it go crazy and try to...why are you grinning like that?"
Twenty minutes later, when Twilight came down the stairs again to see Tempest standing at attention and Spike holding a sheath of claw-scribbled notes for her, she seriously considered going back to bed for a second time. She could tell it was going to be one of those days.
Twilight was bewildered. Nonplussed. Possibly so far as befuddled. On her personal Weirdometer Scale and using a calibration from Celestia to Pinkie Pie, this was a solid Flutterbat. In fact, she decided, she hadn’t had a morning this strange since they all had to talk Luna out of granting her Ponyville as her personal demesne. Though that wasn't nearly as exciting, except in an 'interesting times' sort of way.
"And so, in conclusion, I believe it would be to the great benefit of Equestria to order a national joint operations exercise against a simulated hostile force. Effective immediately." Ah, thought Twilight, she's done. Tempest had given a good presentation. Clear, to the point, and remarkably concise. She had even avoided the tendency to ramble, a flaw she knew her own presentations tended towards in the name of thoroughness. Speaking of which...
"I'm sorry, I just want to make sure I'm perfectly clear" Twilight said. "You think that, in order to save Equestria from invasion, I should plan and execute an invasion of Equestria." This was deliberately missing the point, of course. It was well known that the best way to get answers was to be wrong and let others correct you. At least she was sure it was well known. She'd read it in any case, and that was the important part.
Tempest cocked her head and narrowed her eyes. "Twilight, are you trying to draw out information by being deliberately dense?"
"No! Well, maybe. A little. Did it work?" Twilight smiled hopefully. Tempest just facehoofed.
"Urgh, Twilight. No. Just no. I've had enough manipulative boss crap in my life. Besides, that doesn't work when the person you're doing it to knows you're smarter than that. It just makes it look like you aren't paying attention."
"Oh" Twilight's ears went back. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. I'd just read a book on management, and...well, I'm sorry. The Storm King did that alot then?"
"Oh, he did that constantly. Among other things." Tempest frowned. "You know, even now I can't tell which parts were real and which were him being silly so we'd underestimate him? Near as I can tell, he just took his natural personality and ran with it to make it work. Somehow."
"That sounds really frustrating" said Twilight. "The only thing worse than dealing with a fool is someone you know could do better but won't." It was certainly a feeling Twilight was aware of. Her dealings with a certain group of ex-Crusaders sprang to mind.
"It was. So please Twilight, spare me the act. You're brilliant and we both know it. Just tell me what you think."
Twilight flushed a little at being called brilliant, and nodded. She really should have known better, she thought. Honesty was an Element after all. Which Tempest had just demonstrated, actually, if rather bluntly, and cut off her attempt at deceit. She should take notes for her paper on...no, focus.
"Well, to be honest, I think it's an intriguing idea but it has alot of flaws to work through." Tempest's face fell as Twilight continued. "Most notably, we don't want our preparations to prevent a war to provoke a real one. We also don't want any potential enemies to spy on our exercises and get ideas. Spike's Danger Room suggestion is interesting, but Luna has only a limited control of the Dreamscape on a large scale without potentially causing harm or creating independent Dreams. For something like the comics portray, Luna would have to personally oversee all of it and it wouldn't sustain enough ponies to be a workable exercise. All that being said," and here a manic grin suddenly split Twilight's face from ear to ear, "this will be way too much fun to pass up. Spike, take a letter! And then go get the girls. We're going to MAKE this work!"
"This is so awesome!" Shouted Dash, zooming through the air above the table in the newly dubbed War Room. Twilight thought she was lucky the castle came with such high ceilings. "Booyah! Round two, smash! And I've been thinking, right? So they set up here and they're coming in but we're all VROOOOM! And..." Rainbow continued to ramble and, well, dash about in the air above them, making less and less sense as she got more excited. As far as Twilight could tell, she was acting out a battle now, with herself in the role of heroic front line general. This wasn't particularly unusual for Dash. What was strange was that she currently seemed to be engaged in a life-or-death battle with the enemy champion, and looked like she was losing. Something with fingers, given that she was making a good effort to choke herself.
"Kick him in the throat" Tempest said dryly.
"Heh, thanks Tempest. Pow! And then..." And she was off again. Twilight and Tempest shared a Class Two Look, with mutual raised eyebrows. Though to be fair to Dash, thought Twilight, she was hardly the only one taking the idea oddly. Pinkie hadn't stopped giggling since Tempest had started to explain. It...was kind of creeping her out to be honest. And Fluttershy, predictably enough, was making a good faith effort to vanish into her mane. Twilight instead turned to Applejack and Rarity, hoping for some sanity. Or, well, it was her friends. So, sanity failing, at least a coherent sentence.
"So, Applejack? What do you think about this?"
"Well shoot sugarcube, there aren't never harm in practice. And I sure wouldn't mind the next batch of wahoos to turn up getting their faces caved in proper. No offense there Tempest."
"No taken" Tempest replied.
"They weren't Wahoos" Twilight corrected. "They were Caprans. Easy mistake to make."
"Ahem. Be that as it dear," Rarity cut in, "I'm still a bit confused about what you called us here for. It's certainly a reasonable suggestion, but shouldn't this be an internal matter for the guard?"
“Isn’t it obvious?” Twilight said brightly. “We’re going to take over Equestria together.” There was a pause, broken by what sounded like an ambush by griffon knights coming from the ceiling.
“Um…” Fluttershy said softly, “I don’t think I want to take over Equestria. Who would take care of my animals while I was busy?”
“Fluttershy darling, you know she’s talking about a hypothetical exercise. Like an elaborate piece of theater. RIGHT Twilight?”
Twilight was a little offended. She’d only really gone insane with magical power the once after all. Maybe twice, depending on how you counted.
“Oh, I know that” said Fluttershy. “It, um, might actually be fun to get a little into character. Maybe. If nopony was looking. But, it still sounds like we would need to travel. And it would take a long time. My friends need me.”
“Ah, yes, much more understandable.” Rarity patted Fluttershy’s hoof. “And you’re hardly the only one with commitments and responsibilities. I have my business, Applejack has her farm work, Rainbow has the Wonderbolts. You know I’ll help you however I can dear, but...”
“...and then the Dragonlord and I both fall from the sky just as the sharknado hits and we DIE! Equestria is saved!” Rainbow crashed to the tabletop, panting and with an ear to ear grin as the notes were scattered to the winds. ”So what do you think! Totally epic right?”
“Try it again without dying.” Tempest’s voice could have substituted for a dehydration spell.
“Pfft, no sense of drama” Rainbow was completely unabashed. “So, when are we gonna do this thing?” Twilight and Tempest shared another Look, this one upgraded to Class 3.
“Well that’s just what we were discussing before being being so...enthusiastically interrupted” Rarity said. “I’d certainly be willing, and we all can see how you feel. But I’m just not sure it will be practical.”
“Actually I think I know how to deal with that” Twilight jumped in. It was good to be on top of things. “I’ve thought about it, and Luna couldn’t do it alone. But with a bit of consultation with Discord? This has a small, yet fascinating, chance of actually working!” Twilight was confused. Nopony else seemed enthused by the insight.
“Um...Twilight, are ya sure it’s a good idea gettin Discord involved?” Applejack had a look of serious concern on her face.
“Oh don’t worry, I thought of that. Luna and I will be supervising to make sure he doesn’t do anything too crazy. And we have a trump card” Twilight replied, smiling even more broadly. “Fluttershy will be with us.”
“There you go! Lighten up AJ” said Rainbow, flipping over and hovering backwards to sit. “Discord might be a jerk but he’d never do anything to hurt Fluttershy if he could help it.”
“If she agrees, Rainbow” Rarity said. She turned to Fluttershy, looking concerned. “Don’t feel pressured, dear. They won’t do anything dangerous, whatever you decide.” She glared at the others, daring them to contradict her.
“I think...I think I’d...like to” Fluttershy whispered, in a small voice even for her. She uncurled a little then, looking out and them more directly. “I have liked trying new things with Discord, and he likes helping me out of my comfort zone. Um, when we’re alone at least.” She took a deep breath, speaking more firmly now. “I’d like to try this, it will be fun. Even if it’s scary and new. And, um, a little evil. But just in a pretend way, so that's okay.”
“Well ah guess that’s us all agreed then” said Applejack, as Rainbow whooped her approval and zipped in circles around the room. “Ceptin Pinkie Pie. Where’s she gone anyway?” Twilight looked around, realizing that the giggling had been absent for awhile now. At that moment there was a crash from the door. And there she was, in a black cape and magnificent fake mustache, standing by her oversized Party Cannon and a ridiculous pile of mechanical contraptions. Spike stood beside her, in his top hat and a mustache that was, were that possible, even more magnificent than Pinkie's. Twilight blinked. Was that an anti-magic cage? Wing blades and a tail flail? A gooey vat of what she sincerely hoped was strawberry jam?
“Hi everypony!” Pinkie yelled. “The Pink Terror and Spikely Whiplash are ready for action! Am I too late?”
Tempest just shook her head. “This. This is the crack team that defeated my armies and foiled my plans. I take it all back. I was a complete failure.”
My Dearest Twilight,
I was quite amused to receive your suggestion of a national strategic assessment, as it arrived minutes before sending you an invitation to participate in the same. Luna and I had already begun preparations, and believe your talent for unconventional thinking will be invaluable. I was also quite pleased to see that Fizzlepop has taken an interest in protecting her new home. Once again you have demonstrated the compassion and judgement I have come to expect of you in turning enemies into allies. I look forward to her unique perspective as well, and I expect your partnership to be extremely productive.
Princess Celestia
From HM Luna, Princess of the Night, Guardian of the Dreamlands, Matron of the Arts, etc
To HM Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, Bearer of Magic, Savior of Equestria, PHD
My friend, I was pleased to receive your missive. As always, your insight cuts to the heart of the matter. My sister has no doubt invited you to participate in our plans to reform Equestria’s defenses, and not a moment too soon. While I am loath to allow Discord even supervised access to the Dreaming, I admit that the possibilities are too great to dismiss out of hoof. And it certainly would do him good to exercise his creativity productively. I well know the harm repression does to the soul. I will add, on a personal note, that I look forward to matching wits with you on the field of battle. And say not that we have already done so: Nightmare Moon hardly counts. If you would, do extend the same sentiment to Tempest. Her invasion was masterfully executed, and I am eagerly anticipating our rematch.
Hey Twily! I should have known this day would come ever since you got the castle. Let me know if Spike needs a helmet: I tracked down the pony who made that antique crystal dragon armor you were so interested in last year. He nearly fainted when I showed him that his work had made it into the National History Museum in Canterlot. And now you’re a Princess, I think a certain Number One Aide de Camp will be demanding an upgrade in regalia. Also, since I know you’ve already thought of it, I’m going to preemptively insist we keep Flurry Heart out of the war games. Tactical deployment of alicorn foals is well outside of the rules of engagement.
I’m glad we’re working on this together little sis. I have to say, I’ve really been kicking myself. We’d done all the invasion and defense drills for the Crystal Empire, but we had no plans at all for a counter-invasion to rescue the princesses. It’s that kind of weakness we’ll need to expose. Thanks again for saving our flanks there, we were another week from being ready. Looking forward to seeing what you shake out of our hidebound military brains.
Love,
BBBFF Shiny
PS: Ask Tempest how she got past the Soothsayer Corps. We’ve got a pool going.
Twilight, don’t tell anypony I told you, but I think we may be on the same side for this one. Celestia floated making the Crystal Empire the aggressors, and I am SO looking forward to being the one who does the kidnapping for a change. There will be kidnapping, right? And, while he continues to deny it, I know Shining is just itching to give Tornado Kicker his own tail in a gift box. This would never have happened when Shining was Captain of the Guard. Get your best evil laugh ready Twily, because between the three of us they won’t know what hit them.
Cadence
Twilight looked around the bustling war room happily, Spike at her side, checking off items on her list with satisfying mental *dings*. It had been a week of work, but all the soldiers and civilians involved in the exercise had been informed (ding!) and received the moonstone amulets that would let them participate (ding!) Despite her initial fears, Luna and Discord had not in fact killed each other while collaborating (ding!) Indeed, after a brief spat about “creative differences” and a friendship lesson about collaborative vision administered by Pinkie Pie, they were almost on cordial terms (ding ding ding!)
The swirling globe of stars and rainbow chaotic energy at end of the room, mounted between arches of rune scribed dragon horn, was a testament to their efforts. Personally Twilight had thought the use of the horns was disrespectful, but both Discord and Luna had agreed it was essential to the magic that the arcane device be ‘completely metal’. Which had made even less sense, since the horns were clearly ivory, but she was hardly one to argue with results. And it wasn’t as if the former Dragonlord had NEEDED all those hibernation sheddings he had cashed away. Starlight and Trixie had done an excellent job.
She wondered if she’d be able recruit them for her (she suppressed a giggle) evil schemes next time. But perhaps that would make it unfair. In any case, this time they were taking a vacation with Maud in Rainbow Falls “to get the smoke out of their manes” and had politely but firmly refused to be involved.
She trotted over to the iridescent artifact, where her friends were assembled. She could tell that, whatever their initial misgivings, they were all excited. Tempest was standing fully at attention in her armor and Pinkie was pronking excitedly in place, while Rainbow was practically quivering in anticipation. Rarity appeared completely composed, but her outfit betrayed her enthusiasm: a black and red dress with a dark lace veil that, far from leaving nothing to the imagination, actively egged it on into wild flights of fancy. The kind of black widow that would make you want to be caught… Twilight shook her head to clear her thoughts at that. Maybe she had read of few too many cheap novels over the past week, since it was it was clearly affecting her mind and descriptive style. Still...it was villain research. It couldn’t have been that bad. Probably. A little more would hardly hurt anyway.
Twilight moved on to Applejack, the only one who seemed completely nonchalant. She was leaning against the wall with her hooves behind her head, seeming completely indifferent. Yet even she had made concessions to the occasion, with a solid black hat and matching silver studded saddle bags. Twilight was impressed: she hadn’t known Applejack even owned another hat. And that just left…
“Say, where’s Fluttershy?” Twilight’s question was immediately answered by a flash from behind her, as Discord appeared coiled loosely in the air around the yellow pegasus. Or...Twilight blinked. Rainbow plomped from the air in surprise, while Pinkie froze mid air with a gasp. Fluttershy was a thestral, from her fuzz covered bat wings to her pointed ears and the enormous pupils of her eyes.
“Um...hi” she said with a shy smile, waving a hoof. When she spoke, you could see the sharp front fangs.
“Oh. My. Gosh. You are so CUTE!” There was a pink blur, and Pinkie was cuddling Fluttershy.
"Indeed darling" said Rarity. "I must say, that is quite a striking and elegant look."
"Nice way to express yerself sugarcube" said Applejack with a grin. "Just stay clear of my apples now ya hear?"
"Thank you" said Fluttershy. "I thought it would, um, help me get into character. For when we're being the villains. And the fangs make me feel fierce. Rawr!" She let out the smallest roar that had ever been heard outside of a mouse. Twilight struggled not to faint from what she was sure was diabetic shock.
“That was such a good idea! I wish I’d thought of it!" Pinkie burst out. "Ooh, I could have been a shapeshifting blob creature that thought it was a pink fuzzy pony but that let me do all sorts of crazy things as long as I didn’t notice. Hey, maybe I AM a shapeshifting blob creature that thinks it’s a pony! Say, Discord, does Tekil li li mean anything to you?”
Twilight looked at Discord worriedly. That was ridiculous. And yet it made such made an alarming amount of sense the more she thought about it. She had read certain books, ancient books, that…
“Not at all” his voice cut across her increasingly panicked line of thought. Well, that was a relief. “I don’t even speak Shintrilaki.” Or not…
“Oh. Okay then!” Pinkie let go of Fluttershy and pronked over to the orb. “So can we get started now? Huh? Can we? Can we? Can we?”
“Indeed!” Discord swirled through the air to loop around the dream vortex, beaming a snaggletoothed grin at them. "Now that you all are here, you can prepare to enter… The Danger Zone!”
“The danger zone? We’re really calling it that?” Twilight couldn’t restrain herself. Such an artifact should have a more descriptive moniker. Personally she leaned towards the anachronous oneiric combat simulator. For some reason nopony seemed to realize how catchy it was.
“Twilight, you’re saying it wrong!” Dash cut in. “You can’t say it like the boring old danger zone. It’s … The Danger Zone!”
“That’s what I said.” The disappointed look on Dash’s face indicated that she had once more cemented herself in the ranks of the Uncool. Ah well. That meant she was clearly hot instead. That was logic.
“Hmmph. Well at least SOMEone here understands” Discord pouted. He and Dash shared a hoofbump? Clawbump? Twilight was sure Discord had chosen his shape just to cause trouble. Well she wouldn’t be defeated! Discord and Dash had a congratulatory bump. There! Done! Twilight tried to ignore the spoing of a strand of her mane escaping. Curse Celestia for making her study Shakesmare. It was a perfectly good factual description. And...Oh no. She’d just cursed Celestia! It wasn’t just an act! She WAS evil! There was another spoing as more of her mane made a bid for freedom.
“Aw, it looks like our little Alicorn mad conqueror is already getting into character” Discord smirked. “Oh I’m so proud of you all!” He flowed through the air, wrapping about Fluttershy again. “Especially you” he added, nuzzling the blushing bat pony. “Now remember, when you’re out sowing chaos in a temporally asynchronous dream dimension, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Fluttershy blushed and smiled fondly, and bopped Discord gently with her hoof. “Discord, there’s nothing you wouldn’t do.”
“Well, don’t do anything I wouldn’t like then” he said with a grin. And with that he vanished in a flash, reappearing to stand by the vortex in a professor’s outfit. On the the ceiling, Twilight noted, but it definitely counted as standing. “Now before we begin I have to explain the” he made a disgusted face “rules. This is a stable, self sustaining dreamworld that replicates Equestria to the best of the knowledge of all the participants. Plus me and Luna, and oh will there be some hidden gems because of that. Let me just say, Frogs. Who knew?” Twilight noticed that Fluttershy was blushing beet red, and Pinkie Pie was shuddering. Or possibly having an attack of Pinkie Sense. Well, that was yet another alarming development for the day.
“Anypony with a specially enchanted moonstone can join join...blah blah blah...anyone else is just a dream formed by your idea of them so don’t take it personally...blah blah Kreuger...blah...okay now here’s the neat part. Luna and I worked it out so that however long the dream takes you’ll wake up after just one night. Lovely bit of mental time compression. And even better, when the dream starts it creates a plausible alternate reality scenario that you’ll be a part of, just like a normal dream. I don’t mean to brag,” Twilight rolled her eyes “but between Luna and I we came up with something quite exceptional. The scenario will adapt itself and improve to remain consistent even if you push the boundaries of the narrative. Wonderful verisimilitude.”
“BOORing…” Dash interrupted. “Can you just say it quickly in Equish?”
“Sigh…” he actually said ‘sigh’ noted Twilight, forcibly combing her mane down. “Very well...it’s like a giant dream, it learns and changes to make itself more realistic, you have all the time you want, and the only real ponies are the ones with magic rocks. Happy?”
“Sure, why didn’t you say so the first time?”
“Now that we’ve had the epic spellcraft reduced to a magic kindergarten level” said Tempest, mirroring Twilight’s private opinion on the matter, “can we please just go?”
“Ooh, somepony’s eager to have a second go at world conquest. Was the first time not enough for you?” Discord was suddenly in Tempest’s face with a smirk. “And here I thought all the monsters here were reformed.”
Tempest shrugged past him, toward the vortex. “I am. I’m Twilight’s monster now.” Twilight frowned at that. What? “Now come on. We’re all eager for some chaos. Are you done or not?”
Discord growled to himself for a moment and clenched his paw. “...Oh fine. Yes, yes we’re done. Luna and I will be watching to make sure everything stays safe. Just put a hoof on a moonstone, close your eyes, and count to ten.”
Everypony picked up a moonstone from the small bowl on the table and lay down on the pile of cushions in the corner. As they did, Twilight came up beside Tempest.
“Are you okay Tempest? Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”
“Later” was the only reply. Twilight nodded, but embraced her with a wing. Tempest stiffened, but relaxed into it after a moment. “You’re such a softy, Princess.” She leaned into the hug and nestled close for a moment. “We’ll see how you handle me when things get tough.”
Twilight blushed. “Well, I’ll have you at my side this time around. That will make all the difference.” Holding Tempest was nice. “Come on,” she said, with a moment of boldness. “Let’s take over the world together.” Before she could think about what she’d just said too much, she closed her eyes, and touched the stone. There was a bright light, and rushing feeling of flying. Flying right into...The Danger Zone.
Empress Twilight of the Crystal Empire stood on the balcony of the Celestial Palace, surveying her city, an oasis of life in the deathly chill. The glorious jewel of the Frozen North, beating heart of life and love in the world. And above, the aurora shone in it’s splendor. She smiled with pride at her Empire and her people. It was time. Too long had Equestria ignored and shunned them. Too long had their glory been suppressed by the faded wielders of the Sun and Moon. The elder generation had failed, defeated again and again by new threats that would bring the world to its knees. It was time for a new age to begin. And with her friends, her faithful general, and her wife and husband beside her, they could never fail.
She turned and went in to the throne room. And there they were, the loves of her life. One more reason to conquer Equestria, and end those who decried their union as unnatural and corrupt. At least her friends, those who truly cared for her, understood. She trotted past them, assembled for the grand announcement, and greeted Shining and Cadence with a passionate kiss. They were of the Crystal Empire. Love was their strength and power. And because their three hearts beat as one, they were invincible. She turned to address the others.
There was a quiet tingling noise, and a soft light shone over her and her friend’s hearts. And in a moment, a tiny moonstone was growing painlessly under their fur. Twilight blinked, as awareness and true memory returned to her. And then she shook her head, and disorientation gave way to mortification and fury. “DISCORD!!!!!”
4 - A Funny Story for the Grandfoals
Twilight’s horn was surging with power, her wings flared. The miserable, sneaky, underclawed spawn of Tartarus and a rotten peach! He’d had her… nope, she refused to even think of it. But it had been in front of everypony! Why she ought to mince him into mulch! Turn him into a flea, put him in a box, have it mailed to Saddle Arabia by Derpy, then teleport to crush it with a hammer when it got there just to be sure! She ought to…
“Discord? Love, what’s wrong?” Twilight froze as a worried wing laid on her back with a disturbingly familiar intimacy. Oh no. Oh no no no, Twilight thought frantically. The only way for this to be worse would be if…
“Twilybug? Are you okay?” Shining said, in a carefully calm voice, concern written on his face even as she saw him casually get into position for an emergency suppression spell. Just like he’d practiced for years for her magical flare ups as a foal. Oh Harmony, it’s true, Twilight thought. I’m married to Cadence and Shining and they haven’t joined the dream yet! And he called me Twilybug. I may throw up. I have to get myself out of this mess. Fortunately, the same miserable being that got her into it could get her out of it again.
“Discord! Yes! Discord. Heh heh...causing...problems again.” She made herself relax her wings and stopped flaring her magic. It wouldn’t do any good until she was awake anyway.
“He was here? He doesn’t know, does he? What did he do?” Shining relaxed as her magic released, and came forward to offer a hug. “Did he hurt you?”
Ugh, are hugs NOT what I need from him right now, she thought in panic. Nope nope nope. She blinked across the room, away from him and Cadence. She tried to ignore how hurt they looked. Remember, it’s just a dream. It’s just a dream, she told herself repeatedly. They’ll thank me later when they remember all this. But those questions, did he know what? Oh. OH. The invasion of Equestria I was about to announce. Well actually this could help. There’s no way I can pretend to be married to them until they get their darn stones on. But maybe there was a chance to forget the elements and give a good lie.
“Yes! Well, no! It’s complicated?” Twilight tried to channel her confusion on arriving in the human world, the feeling of complete wronghoofedness, like everything familiar was tilted ninety degrees. It was worryingly like when she joined Celestia in diplomatic discussions. “You see...I don’t think I’m your Twilight. Discord found out about our plans to invade Equestria and banished me to another world to keep me out of trouble. So...hi!” Twilight was pleased with herself. Just like all the best lies, it was both simple and completely plausible. She even stuck the delivery! She hoped. Maybe. Shining and Cadence’s frozen appalled expressions were a good sign right?
“Oh dear, how dreadful!” Rarity’s voice cut across the tableau. Twilight gave a guilty start. In her panic, she had almost forgotten her friends were there. “Who knew that beast would stoop so low as to take an Empress hostage for the good behavior of her lovers? I know we’ve never met before,” Rarity continued with a subdued wink at Twilight, which relieved her far more than it should have, “but I hope you know we will do everything we can to make you welcome in this dimension until the dreadful situation has been resolved.”
“But...but if you aren’t our Twilight” said Cadence, sounding on the verge of tears, “Then where is she? Where’s my wife?” There was a whir of bat wings, and Fluttershy was there stroking her mane.
“Well it’s obvious isn’t?” Said Rarity. Twilight blinked. It was? “That dastardly rapscallion has swapped them, holding not one but two loving families hostage on their good behavior. And disrupting our own invasion plans while he was at it, I might add. Isn’t that right Twilight?”
“Um...yes! Now I think about it, he did say something about killing two birds with one stone” Twilight said. That was brilliant!
“Stone is it?” Shining’s voice was cold. “I’ll give him stone. For taking my Twilight from me, when we catch him I’ll turn him into gravel for the palace garden.” Fluttershy let out a meep, Shining turned to Fluttershy kindly. “Oh don’t worry, I meant their Discord. Ours can be your pet, just like we always promised.” Twilight blanched. Right. Villains. I have to remember that.
“Eh heh...yes, yes of course.” Rarity also looked a little disturbed, although she was making an effort to hide it. “Though I would suggest a teensy delay first to make him swap the Twilights back before you do anything too irreversible. Speaking of which, Twilight dear, just a quick point of etiquette. I’m sure in your world you are an Empress in your own right.” She gave another wink. “But here you’re in a slightly subordinate position and, frankly, we need a way to tell you apart. May we refer to you as Princess Twilight?”
“Rarity, there’s no call to be rude” said Cadence. “My wife...I mean Twilight...has had a very long day, been banished from her home, and she may be stuck here for quite awhile. There’s no need to insinuate that she’s somehow a second best replacement on top of it all.”
“No, no it’s fine” said Twilight quickly. “It’s much easier than having to argue over who gets to be Alpha Twilight and Beta Twilight or something silly like that.” Twilight made a note to herself to come up with a workable dimensional self-designation system asap. Now there was a crisis to nip in the bud! At least this exercise had already been good for something, excruciating awkwardness aside.
“Heh, that would be your priority wouldn’t it” said Shining fondly. “I suppose that proves you’re Twilight at least. Some things never change, even between dimensions.”
“Well...alright, if you’re sure.” Cadence still looked sad, and Shining moved to comfort her. “I’m just so sorry to see you trapped here all alone, and with my Twily gone too…” She sniffled a little, and conjured a handkerchief to blow her nose. “Well, just let me say that anything we can do to help you, anything at all, you only have to ask.” Twilight couldn’t help but smile a bit at that, despite the oddness of the whole situation. They might be just dreams, but it was still nice to see their affection for her shine through. Even if it was channeled in such a disturbing way. “Thank you" she said simply.
“Now, don’t go gettin’ too upset yer Highness” Applejack cut in. “I know it’s sad an all. But you still don’t need to worry none. This is Twilight we’re talkin about here. Once she gets her hooves under her, she’ll be back here fore you can spit. Heck, that dang varmint Discord won’t know what hit him. He bit off more’n he could chew this time I’ll tell ya. Someday this’ll all just be a funny story.”
“Thank you, Applejack” Candence nodded, starting to pull herself together. “We all know she can take care of herself. It’s just hard, and you know how I worry sometimes.”
“It’s okay Katydid” Shining held her close and kissed her softly on the head. “I’m worried too, but she’s right. Twily will be back soon. We just need to be there for her when she does, that’s all.”
“Indeed” said Rarity. “Now, if you don’t mind your Majesties, might we beg permission to leave for a moment? We really must get Princess Twilight rested and caught up on the situation in this world. How else will she be ready to lead the invasion of Equestria?”
“Really?” Cadence spoke, but she and Shining were staring together. “I thought, with everything that had happened…”
“Nonsense!” Rarity replied. “Isn’t the best gift you could give your beloved on her return a lovely new throne?” Rarity tittered to herself a little. “Call it an early anniversary gift.”
“Well yes!” Said Twilight, catching on. Harmony, Rarity was good. “I may not be Empress Twilight, but I can do my best to fill in until she returns. It’s the least I can do for you, right? Even if it will be a bit hard for me to step into her shoes.”
They smiled and nodded, a bit sadly. “We understand. And thank you” said Cadence. “Take some time to adjust. Though later, of course, we will have much to talk about.”
"And when you return home” Shining added, “we certainly pledge our support to your own war of liberation. This might be a terrible misfortune, but it could also be the beginning of a glorious alliance. And...it’s good to meet you, Princess. It’s strangely comforting to see that the mare I love stretches into infinity.”
Oh no oh no was he flirting with me he was oh Harmony ew ew ew ew WHY AM I BLUSHING?!? EWWW! In the midst of her panicked thoughts Twilight barely managed to get out an automatic bow and mutter something polite before fleeing the throne room. The others followed, though she saw Fluttershy stay for a moment longer to whisper something reassuring to Dream Cadence. Yes, definitely best to call them Dream Cadence and Dream Shining, she thought. Remind herself that this wasn’t real. Just like Applejack said, soon this would all just be a funny story. Focus on breathing exercises, just like the real Cadence had taught her. Focus on anything else.
“Wow Rarity, that was so amazing!” Chirped Pinkie, pronking along beside them.
“Mmm, it was wasn’t it darling? If I do say so, I believe I simply outshone myself” Rarity fanned herself with her customary modesty. “My goodness but that was a tricky tangle. I shall have words with both Discord and Luna for allowing such an indelicate backstory. Simply disgraceful.”
Applejack cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t a fair few of them dime novels you read have just the same sorta setup?”
“Hmph. I have no idea what you’re talking about. And even if I did, a lady would never admit to such a thing.”
Rainbow, meanwhile, had been silently fluttering along with a dazed look on her face and shocked, shrunken irises. She was silently mouthing something like she was trying to get words out, but no sound came.
A slow grin grew on Pinkie’s face, splitting it ear to ear. “Sooo….Applejack. You know how in that backstory we got we were all okay with Twily and Shiny? Well I was wondering. In yours, did you and Big Mac ever…”
“Pinkie, finish that sentence and ah'l hog tie ya to the nearest chandelier.”
Pinkie paused in mid air, seriously considering. “Might be worth it. Ah well.” She resumed her normal relationship with gravity and continued her happy pronking.
“Um...did anyone else feel really sad for Shining and Cadence?” Fluttershy whispered. “I mean, I know they’re just dreams. But they seemed so upset to lose their wife. And...um... I’m a bit afraid to have regular dreams now.”
“Oh, I’ve actually talked to Luna about that” said Twilight, perking up. Philosophy was an excellent distraction. “I might have had a bit of crisis when I read about solipsism. And existentialism. And then Celestia banned me from the philosophy section for a month until I calmed down. Heh heh.” Twilight brushed her mane with her hooves embarrassedly. Moving on, she thought. “The reason dreams can seem so much like real ponies when they’re missing a proper soul is that they’re really projections of ourselves, sustained by our own magic. So when they seemed sad, it was really us feeling sad and expressing it through them. And when you were comforting them, you were comforting us. So thank you Fluttershy.” She gave her friend a warm smile, which Fluttershy returned. “The spellcraft here probably makes the details a bit more complicated, but the principle is the same.”
“Okay. That’s good then.” Fluttershy looked like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
“Yeah! Wouldn’t it be awful if we were creating and destroying whole universes every time we went to sleep? And then when we were awake we’d never know if there was some pony we could never let wake up! At any moment everything could just go FSHH! Gone.” Thanks Pinkie, thought Twilight.
“Yes, that is exactly what I had nightmares about for weeks even after Celestia and Luna showed me the thaumaturgic proofs that it didn’t work that way. Thank you so much for reminding me.”
“You had dreams about ending world when you woke up, only for your world to end when somepony else woke up?” Rarity sounded concerned.
“LAYERED dreams like that, where I was never sure when I was finally awake or not. It wasn’t pleasant. So can we please talk about something else?”
“THAT JUST HAPPENED!!!” Rainbow burst out, apparently unable to hold it in anymore.
“Indeed” said Rarity smoothly. “However, while certain shocking activities may have occurred that we hopefully never shall refer to again, another question occurs to me. Namely, where are Tempest and Spike?”
5 - Assistants, Speeches, and Other Things
“Platoons 1,2,3,5,7, and 11 report to the drill yard! That’s the drill yard ponies, on the double!” Tempest stalked through the barracks, Spike at her side. It was good to be in command again, and in armor. Good but different, starting with the armor itself. It was new, and she was still getting used to it. It might fit like a glove, but new armor always took time to break in. It was really good armor though, she had to admit, even as she shrugged her shoulders to get a feel for the motion. It was crafted of iridescent white opal with a black petral, flanchard, and tail guard of magic-resistant resonite. And covering her cutie mark, in the place of the Storm King’s logo, was a burning heart with flames of purple, pink, and white. She scowled intensely at that, for at least two reasons. Damn twisted Princess. That the armor had apparently been personally commissioned and presented to her by Twilight as an expression of her friendship and admiration just made it worse. Something about personally fending off a raid by Yak bandits, though the details of the dream were a bit sketchy. Fortunately she didn’t have time to dwell. She had work to do, sorting out the soon-to-be-joining participants from the dream-things to prevent awkward questions. And if she did it with a thunderous expression on her face, well, that was appropriate.
“And I need messengers!” Spike piped in, flipping through his notes. “I need, um, the 2nd flyer squad!” As they trotted up he passed them a list. “I need these officers assembled as well, starting with Lieutenant Sentry and Captain Sky. They’re at the palace.” They saluted and flew off.
Spike really was on top of this, Tempest thought to herself. You could tell he had grown up with Twilight. Organized, good initiative. He was already head and shoulders above any other aide she’d had in her career. It almost made up for his sense of style. Almost. When she’d first seen his outfit she’d struggled not to burst out in laugher. He also had a personal suit of armor, solid resonite plates that Tempest was convinced were to keep him from absentmindedly nibbling the blood red quartz underlayer. Perfectly practical so far. But the number of spikes on it...did he expect to be swallowed by a hydra? And the sheer size of those gold epaulets. And he had, for reasons unknown but that probably rhymed with Slinky Sly, combined it with a top hat and cape that made him look like a Kludgetown pimp. Still, she was a professional. She didn’t laugh then, and despite temptation she wouldn’t do it now. Besides, he’d at least skipped the mustache.
“Good work Spike” was what she said aloud. “How long do we have before the Crystal Empire joins us?”
“Five minutes” Spike relied. “Assuming they’re on time at least, and if I know Shining they will be. He’s always been tough around discipline and punctuality.”
“Really? Even compared to Twilight?”
“Ha! Actually yes, he’s where she got it from. Trying to be like the awesome big brother and all that, you know? It’s just that he’s not quite so...particular about it.”
Right, she'd been looking for a lead in to this conversation. Might as well do it now. “Just to be clear. You know how much I’ve come to respect Twilight. But when you say ‘particular’ you mean neurotic. Right?” Spike looked really uncomfortable and didn’t say anything, which confirmed it. Good. “It’s alright Spike. You can care a lot about someone without being blind to their flaws. Harmony knows I do.” She refused to glare at the heraldry on her armor. “And since we’re going to be leading Twilight’s army, we're going to have to. At least if we want to win.”
Spike looked up at her, confused. “Well sure I want to win. But I don’t get it.” That was fine, Tempest hadn’t expected him to.
“There’s a pre-unification book, Twin Sun’s ‘The Art of War’. Have you ever read it?” Spike nodded, and Tempest smiled. “Good. Glad to see living in a library has been good for you. Do you remember what he said about winning wars?”
“Hide where you’re strong and hit where they’re weak” Spike replied instantly. “And it doesn’t matter if you win battles, what matters is getting what you want.” Right, he’s a dragon, Tempest thought. That would be his take away.
“That’s certainly part of it, but not what I was thinking of. I was thinking of one of his more famous quotes. That to win you have to know your enemy, and know yourself. We all have qualities and flaws, and so do our enemies. And if we don’t understand them, they’ll undo us. In Twilight’s case, we have to remember that she’ll obsess over details and micromanage if we don’t stop her.”
Spike nodded. “That makes sense. Just like we need to remember how Dash and I can be show offs, and how you can get really angry and lose perspective.”
Heh, touche dragon. “Yes, exactly like that. You catch on quick Spike.” He smiled. “Now come on, let me show you how to harangue the troops.”
Fortunately the parade ground had a good raised speaking platform, a sloping ledge of crystal with stairs cut in that overlooked everything. Tempest hoped Spike had been right about the Crystal Guard being punctual, or else she was about to look really stupid. He was up there now, ordering the platoons into formation. She took a few deep breaths, and to calm her nerves she quickly ran over everything. Everyone was assembled, she’d checked that her and Spike’s armor was insulated, and according to her clock the Empire troops should be appearing...now. She charged her horn and touched it to the crystal, sending the chaotic energy coruscating across the surface with a crackle and a smell of ozone. Perfect. She strode up the ramp, surrounded by flares of Discord’s Fire that licked her legs like playful dogs, and gazed down on the awakening troops that looked up with shock. There were gasps, and even a few looks of awe. She kept her face to a practiced sneer, but inside she was rejoicing. Magic of friendship or not, there was nothing like a good entrance.
“Hey everypony” she said, in a tone carefully practiced to drip disdain. Stick first, then carrot, just like always. “So. You all know me. And I suppose it’s vaguely possible I fought one of you before. But if I did I don’t remember it. I’ve fought a lot of ponies. Let's get the difficult part out of the way first. Yes, I’m Tempest. Conqueror of Canterlot, right hand mare to the Storm King” She laid the sarcasm on heavily for that. Subtlety never played well to soldiers. “And guess what. You have the luck to be on my side this time.”
“I know none of you like me. Some of you probably hate me. And if you think I’m about to say I hate myself just as much, you’re wrong. I’m sure most of you wouldn’t even mind seeing us crash and burn, just to teach me a lesson. But. If you think that I’m going to let that happen, you’re a bunch of rutting fools.” She fixed them with a glare, making sure to sweep the crowd so everyone was included.
“We’re going to do this, and we’re going to win. Not for me, I’ve got nothing to prove anymore. And not for you. Though I imagine your Prince handing Captain Kicker his flank on a stick will be a sweet bonus.” There were a few chuckles at that. Nothing like inter-service rivalry.
“No, we’re doing this because Equestria needs us. Our Princesses need us. I’m here for Twilight Sparkle, because whatever my past that mare has my loyalty till the day I die. You hate me? Fine. Take that and use it. Because why are we here? To keep the world safe from bastards like me. We’re the guard. We stand so others can run, and we face the monsters so others never see them. And,” and here she let a feral grin slip onto her face “if we have to do that by kicking flank and taking names? Well I guess that’s just the burden we’ll have to live with. Company dismissed!”
With that she turned and marched back down the stairs, seemingly oblivious to the hoof stomping behind her or Spike giving the new bunking orders to separate the dreamers from the dreams. She made sure she was well out of sight before collapsing halfway down the stairs, breathing heavily again to keep the shakes down. And that was where Spike found her a few minutes later, as the troops began filing away from the square.
“Tempest, are you okay?” Spike put a claw on her shoulder.
“Heh, yeah I’m okay. Thanks though.” She looked over at him. “I’ve just always hated public speaking. Give me a minute, I’ll be fine.”
Spike looked at her skeptically. Smart dragon. “Stage fright? You? Really?” Well, she thought, I guess you didn’t need to be Honesty to see through that one.
“Yeah well. Not often you give a speech to soldiers you need to work with who have every reason to want your head on a pike. Not without some heavy backup at least. And not in a dreamworld where no-one will face real consequences. Besides," she admitted, "I really do hate giving speeches.” She grinned ruefully. “It’s something I had to learn, but given the choice I’d rather scare the horseapples out of everyone and charge.”
“Well you’re pretty good at it for something you hate.” Spike gave her a big smile. “That was totally awesome. And besides, it’s not like you didn’t have backup this time either.”
“Well I guess that’s true.” Tempest grinned back. “It’s not like I’ve had a fire breathing dragon as a bodyguard before.”
“Huh? Oh, yeah there’s me too I guess. But I actually meant Twilight and the others. They were watching.”
Tempest blinked. “What.” Oh buck me in the face.
“Yeah, they were off to the side so they wouldn’t distract you.” Oh seriously, buck me. And I’ve been sitting here like a whimpering fool. Get UP Tempest. “I burned Twilight a note saying you needed a minute when I saw you on the stairs though. She thinks you’re doing paperwork.”
Tempest blinked as his words caught up to her brain and her panic derailed. “Spike,” she said calmly, “you know I could kiss you right now if your armor wouldn’t poke my eye out?”
“Aw shucks Tempest, it’s not a big deal. Friends help each other right? And besides, I know how bad stress and panic attacks get. Forget about it.”
“Well sorry, but you’re stuck with me remembering. We should still get going though. I think I’ve filled out enough forms for now don’t you?”
A quick trotting pace to find the others quickly left Spike behind. Tempest felt a bit bad about that, but it really was the best way to dispel the last of the adrenaline. Fortunately tracking them down had been easy with Spike’s instructions and the strange feeling of familiarity with a strange city the dream had plopped into her head.
“That was totally wicked!” Dash burst out, as soon as she saw her, doing a loop the loop.
“Ayep, good work there. Didn’t sugarcoat nothin, and gave them as don’t like you a reason to help out anyway and feel proud of themselves. Couldn’t’ve said it better mahself” said Applejack.
“On that we are certainly agreed” said Rarity, with a wink to Tempest. Applejack frowned. “But Tempest, I have to ask, who was your assistant? That outfit...you didn’t bring Grubber into this did you? I thought he’d returned to the Hobgoblin lands.”
Just as she said that there was a clatter, and a puffing Spike rounded the corner. “Oh! Rarity!” He blushed, and struck what he clearly thought of as a heroic and martial pose. “Check out the new duds I got for this! Totally awesome right?”
Rarity just stared, wide eyed. Apparently the effect had been somewhat mitigated by distance.
Through all this Tempest had barely been listening, because her attention had been locked on Twilight. The mare she was still somewhat furious with, and also the mare she had literally just declared her undying loyalty to in front of a crowd of hundreds.Twilight was blushing furiously, and Tempest had no idea how to handle that. Their eyes locked, and Tempest would have loved to say something, except her mind was totally blank.
The awkward moment might have lasted forever if Pinkie’s voice hadn’t cut across with a whine. “Spiiiiike, you forgot the mustache! You promised!” There was a pink blur, and a slapping noise as a fake mustache was forcibly applied to Spike’s face. Rarity’s eyes rolled up in her head, her horn flared, and she collapsed onto a conjured couch in a delicate faint.
6 - Girls, we can't fight here...
Pinkie’s antics startled Twilight out of her daze. Well, she thought, at least that clarifies what Cadence was hinting at last time I visited. Also, I can file ongoing experiment 13 a, orientation, under ‘resolved’. 13 b, resolving error bars on the Cadenza Chart Score, to be initiated. Science. Yay. And apparently somepony swearing fealty to me really does it for me. An image of Tempest kissing her hoof and looking up at her with sultry and demanding eyes flashed through her mind and tingles shot through her. She shook her head to clear it. No, focus, she’s your friend and you don’t know how she feels. That might have been platonic. Oh no, I need to figure out how to ask her. Deep breaths Twilight. Oh thank Harmony we’re busy.
“So!” She said with as much cheer as she could press into her voice. “Now we’re all here, and the Crystal Empire has finally arrived” and not a moment too soon, she thought privately “we can get to the War Room and really get some serious planning done. Cadence, Shining, and Sunburst should know to meet us there.” And if they’re not awake, she added to herself, I SWEAR I’ll break out Luna’s coffee recipe. If that doesn’t do it, nothing will. I don’t care what magic they put into this thing.
“FINALLY” Dash griped. “We’ve been waiting for days and days!”
“It’s been 20 minutes” Fluttershy muttered.
“For you maybe. Being cool makes time go faster. Come on, somepony carry Rarity and lets go.”
“Gotcha covered” said Applejack, and she let out a piercing whistle. Two of the dream soldiers trotted over, emerald and ruby crystal ponies with matching silver manes. “The lady here has an attack of the vapors. Would y’all be kind enough to take to the War Room, and fetch her a vial of smellin salts?”
The soldiers gave her a dirty look, and glanced at Tempest, who gave them a curt nod of acknowledgement. Strange, thought Twilight, you’d think they’d be more respectful to a...huh. According to her false memories, Applejack in this world had run away from Manehattan. But instead of going home, she had gone to Appleoosa and become a bank robber. They’d met in Canterlot a year before Ponyville when Twilight was tracking down mysterious donations to charities that supported orphans and single mothers. The idea had been to present the anonymous benefactor an award, and boy had that been awkward when Applejack had explained why she couldn’t accept it. The illicit friendship that formed, strained by their positions but reinforced by mutual respect and Applejack’s unfailing honesty, had culminated with Applejack attuning the Element of Honesty and renouncing her criminal ways.
It was official, the backstory engine in this spell was out of control.
As the crystal guards lifted Rarity’s couch and carried it off like a palanquin, Spike sidled up to Twilight. “So...the staring, and the fainting. That was because of the awesome right? She thought I looked good?”
Twilight looked down at Spike, and his ridiculous outfit. He’d clearly thought long and hard about it, and she could see bits from the costumes of all his favorite villains in the design. He looked up at her hopefully. “Spike” she said as kindly as she could, “I think it might be too much of a good thing.”
By the time Rarity had been revived, they had all made their way back to the Celestial Palace and reached the War Room. It was genuinely impressive, an octagonal chamber lined with wards against scrying and eavesdropping Twilight was just itching to analyze. She’d already teased out an interweaving of Notice-Me-Not and Secret Heart’s Secure Sanctum, and that was just scratching the surface. Their conferences here would definitely be secure.
Everyone was seated around the central table, an enormous protrusion of raw crystal. It reminded Twilight of the Friendship Map and gave the whole thing a regal air, even if the chairs were deeply mismatched to accommodate the crowd. Cadence and Shining sat together, occasionally shooting sheepish and apologetic glances at Twilight. When they had arrived Cadence had tried to break the awkward moment with the Ladybugs Dance. Unfortunately it had backfired dramatically when yet more false memories regarding that dance and their purported wedding night had turned up. And so now they were sitting on opposite sides of the table, unable to look each other in the face. Flea-Hammering was too good for Discord, Twilight thought to herself. He’d even caused some kind of library emergency that Sunburst was delayed resolving. Sure they were only dream books, but it was the principal of the thing! Her friends and Spike were chattering together, and Tempest had foregone a seat entirely to stalk the edges of the room with a thunderous expression. She had to get this meeting started, and quickly. Right Twilight, she told herself, remember you were excited about this. Before it all went wrong. And before it kept getting worse. And...Right. No remembering, just go.
“So everypony!” She said, trying to sound crisp and businesslike. “Now that we’re all here, it’s time to start making plans.” Twilight summoned a list, glancing over it. “Our first step should be to gather in a secure location, so check! And our next order of business is to pick our objectives.”
“Actually” said Shining, speaking up, “setting objectives is important. But we have something even more of a priority to deal with.”
“What? We do? But our goals in the war will determine everything else, from…”
“Yes” Said Shining cut her off, sounding completely serious. “Before we do anything else we have to settle a bet. Tempest” she jerked to look at him, startled, “just how in Tartarus did you get those airships past the Diviner Corps and the air patrols? It’s been bothering me for months. I know the future isn’t fixed and you can’t look everywhere, but that was just embarrassing.”
“Oooh! Oooh! I know! Well, I sorta know!” Pinkie was hopping in her seat with her hoof raised before Tempest could say anything. “It’s cause you were working for the STORM King right? And so you took the place by storm! With storms!”
“Pinkie, calm down and let her answer” Twilight said. “I was curious about that too actually. How did you really do it?”
Tempest, meanwhile, was staring at Pinkie. “How could you possibly know that?” Twilight blinked.
“Pinkie Sense!” Pinkie chirped, looking insufferably pleased with herself. Twilight blinked again.
“Pinkie...Sense…what in Tartarus is Pinkie Sense? Twilight, help me out here?”
Twilight shrugged. “It’s Pinkie. She’s un-quantifiable. I tried to study the Pinkie Sense once but it proved completely impossible. I didn’t even think she could do that. Pinkie, your Pinkie Senses just told you how Tempest did it?”
“What? No, you silly! I can’t do that.”
“But you just said you knew because of the Pinkie Sense.”
“Uh huh!”
Twilight looked back at Tempest. “I’ve got nothing. How did you do it?”
“Twiiiilight...weren’t you listening?”
Tempest sighed. “It’s a bit embarrassing actually. I knew about Celestia’s diviners, and I’d been busting my tail in the library trying to come up with a method for a surprise attack. You know I was their only expert on Equestrian magic right?” Twilight nodded.
“So then the old goat himself bursts in, going on about how his ‘marketing’ propaganda guys had come up with the new Storm King branding campaign. And the upshot was I had to plan all our invasions around attacking during storms. I told him that we didn’t have any Griffons in our army, or any other weather workers for that matter, and so I’d need more budget to hire them. Which is when he laughed, and told me not to be ridiculous. He said Capran Gruffs were more than enough for anyone. With pelvic thrusts.” Tempest rolled her eyes.
“Let me tell you, I was this close to walking out at that point. But then I remembered about wild weather, and how it was unpredictable. And a bit more research said that was literal. So it solved both problems at once. We waited for really nasty wild storm off Vanhoover that called up the air patrol reserves to break it up, then slipped past and did a speed run for Canterlot.”
“Okay yeah, makes sense” said Dash. “Wild storms are all loaded up with natural chaos magic.”
“...Yes” said Tempest, clearly surprised. So was Twilight for that matter. Dash knew magical theory that she didn’t? “How do you know that? How did Pinkie know that?”
“Tempest, I’m the regional weather manager for the Everfree District. I’ve gotta know about wild storms, it’s literally my job.”
“And since when have you cared about your job?”
“HEY!”
“Ha! She’s gotcher number there Dash” said Applejack with a grin.
Dash glared. “I DO care about my job. Just because I can do it faster so I’ve got more time off doesn’t mean I’m not pulling my weight. I don’t leave my team hanging. And I like learning stuff too. Just so long as it’s awesome stuff. Or radical, like this.”
“What’s the...no, never mind.” Tempest turned to Pinkie. “And you...what, pulled that out of your plot? Because if you tell me you were just punning to yourself…”
“Nope! Well, a little bit. But mostly it’s that unscheduled storms always screw up my Pinkie Senses. See, sometimes I get these twitches and shimmies and shakes that let me know things are coming. And I thought that’s kind of seeing the future. And if Pinkie Sense doesn’t warn me in storms, even for things that should be real doozies like the time with the geese and all the cheese, then I thought…”
“I get the picture” Tempest cut her off. “In any case, does that answer your question your Highness?”
“Perfectly. Though I wish it wasn’t, it means I’m out 50 bits.”
Candence nudged him. “I told you she didn’t get a set of ogres and oubliettes dice.”
“Attacking only on a natural 20 is a perfectly good method, it puts the daily probability in the second standard deviation. It’s easily far enough off the main chance to be ignored with the rest of the garbage visions.”
“Dear, I love you, and I enjoy our game, but there’s such a thing as taking your hobbies too far.”
All this is just like the old practice of divination for auspicious signs before a battle, Twilight thought. Later magical research had shown such divination methods spurious, but what if it had survived because it threw off the warnings of the genuine visionaries? She would have to check the natural chaos levels of various gambling methods, and made a note to look into it later.
“So all we have to do to sneak past Celestia’s army is be totally random? I can totally do that! I’m the best at random, everypony says so!”
“I think you’re quite right, dear” said Rarity “which is why, when the time comes, I think you should be the one to launch the mission.”
Pinkie gaspe aloud. “Oooh, thank you Rarity! I’ll make sure their being conquered is the biggest, most random surprise ever!” She sounded completely sincere. Twilight loved her friend, but she also worried about her sometimes.
Cadence giggled. “I do like surprises. Which reminds me. Our number one goal really should be kidnapping Celestia. Or Luna, I’m not really picky. But I’d really like to get it out of my system and be on the kidnapper side of things for once.”
“Seems good” said Applejack. “This rate, we can be pretty sure some varmint’ll try again any road. Think we also want the Sun and Moon, or are we tryin for somethin a bit more original?”
“Well, while I’m all in favor of originality, I think that in this case it really is a classic for a reason” Rarity replied. “Our own distinction will come from the flair and style with which we make our own attempt.”
“Great! Objectives, check!” Twilight said, marking down her notes. “Now next…” she was interrupted by a loud gurgle from Fluttershy’s stomach.
“Um...sorry” she said, looking embarrassed.
“Aint no trouble Fluttershy. Here, have an apple” said Applejack tossing her one from her saddlebags. To everyone’s surprise Fluttershy didn’t look thrilled. In fact, she looked a little disgusted. She gave the apple a sniff, then a tentative lick, and shuddered.
“Actually,” she said in a small voice. “I think I might have to go to the...um...infirmary.”
“Are you feeling sick?” Twilight was surprised, and worried. Normally a transformation like Fluttershy’s might have had consequences, but it was Discord. If he was going to be careful about anything it would be her.
“No, not sick” she said, even more quietly. “Just, um, really really hungry.” Realization clicked for Twilight.
“Right, of course, Thestrals aren’t just from frugivorous or insectivorous bats are they.” Fluttershy shook her head silently. “Right, go ahead. Just try not to use too much of our reserve, we’ll need it if the kidnapping fails and it comes to more open war.” Fluttershy nodded, then darted from the room in a blur of wings.
“Darling...what just happened?” Rarity was looking with concern after her friend.
“Well as I said. Thestrals, more commonly known as Bat Ponies, have affinity to a wide variety of species of bats in both their magic and diet. They’re all nocturnal, with exceptional hearing and night vision. The most common variety are based on fruit bats, trading most pegasus weather control for an earth pony like affinity for plant life. Others eat insects, with…”
“She’s a vampony” Tempest cut her off. Twilight huffed. She was just getting to the good part.
“Hey!” Said Rainbow,. “That is seriously racist. I know you haven’t been in Equestria for awhile Tempest, but wow. Insensitive much?” Everypony stared at her, except Cadence who simply shook her head.
“Rainbow...what are you talking about?” Twilight was perplexed. Usually when Rainbow misunderstood something it was easier to tell what she thought you meant.
“Seriously? How vampony legends come from racism against Thestrals? Blood libel? Come on, how can I be the only pony here who knows this?”
“I think it might be a pegasus thing” said Cadence. “Most Equestrian thestrals live in Cloudsdale, so earth ponies and unicorns don’t interact with them except in the Night Guard. And the rest live far to the south.”
“Wellll, fine. You get a pass this time Tempest” Rainbow conceded. “But I’m watching you” she added, gesturing with her hoof.
“Noted” said Tempest dryly. “So Fluttershy is not a vampony. She’s a nocturnal blood drinking bat pony, can speak with animals, and has a hypnotic stare. Who, as a vampiric thestral, can summon lightning like a pegasus in addition to her plant magic. But calling her a vampony would be racist.”
“Watching. You.”
“Ahem. Leaving aside that a portion of my bookshelf may in fact be based on harmful stereotypes against foreigners…” Rarity began.
“Ya mean like the dashing Saddle-Arabian princes with…”
“A PORTION of my bookshelf I said, I have a question myself. The Crystal Empire is rather small isn’t it, compared to Equestria. After all, we are a single city. Assuming our covert attack against the Princesses fails, won’t our army be severely outnumbered?”
“Welcome to my life as a general” said Tempest. “We aren’t even mobile, though the northern weather gives us an incredible defensive advantage. As do the shielding talents of our Prince and Princess” she added, nodding to them. “Still, you’re right that it’s hardly ideal. The biggest advantage we have is that the Royal Guard folds like a cheap suit.”
Shining frowned heavily. “The Royal Guard is the elite fighting force in Equestria.”
“I’m sure YOUR troops are, your Highness,” said Tempest neutrally. “I’ve only heard good things about the Crystal Guard. But I can tell you for a fact that when we hit Canterlot we barely met any resistance.”
“I’m not surprised. Tornado has always been a fan of Lunar Defensive Doctrine. Which is all kinds of ironic.”
“I’ve never read about that. Guess I lucked out doing something he didn’t expect. What was he trying to do then?”
“Exactly what happened.” Tempest cocked her head in confusion. “It's based on the sheer number of threats with game changing abilities throughout Equus. When ambushed by a force of unknown capabilities, Lunar Defense calls for using pegasus mobility for an orderly retreat while protecting civilians, then rallying for a counterattack once you know what you’re facing.”
Tempest stared incredulously. “So you’re telling me that the Captain of the Royal Guard surrendered Canterlot and the Princesses on purpose?”
“Not exactly, but contingencies went into effect before the scope of the disaster had been realized. The Princesses being captured would have changed everything, trying to secure them and make a getaway until the petrification could have been reversed. But that message didn’t get passed on, and you know what happens if you try to take a retreat back halfway through. And so they wound up at the Cloudsdale rally point with no Princesses and three heavy hammer blows away from a monarchy.”
“Hmm, well that certainly explains a lot. I assume Tornado is the sort to fix the communication problem then?”
“Once the subordinates responsible are able to sit down again yes.”
“Well!” Said Rarity brightly. “More and more I’m favoring Cadence’s abduction plan. Perhaps if we make some plans...”
“Excellent!” Said Twilight, conjuring a scroll. “I have some ideas to brainstorm, and with your help, we should be able to fly through it. And we need to hurry: Celestia and Luna will be arriving any moment now..” She was confused by their looks of dismay as the scroll unrolled down the hallway. Preparedness could only help!
It was evening in Canterlot, and a shadow flitted from rooftop to rooftop. It kept to the shadows, ignoring the night life of the lamp lit streets below, and made a meandering way to a small walled compound. Blue eyes peered over the edge of the rooftop, looking at the guards on patrol. And a very small voice said “Oh dear.”
7 - Night of the Flutterbat
"Now remember, our plan relies on distraction and misdirection to pull off" Twilight said. "And in the unlikely event that our abduction fails we can still achieve several secondary ones. Fluttershy, your target is the Kicker compound. They're an old and famous military family, tracing their history back to the Lunar Rebellion. And they're traditional enough that they keep a fortified family compound in Canterlot. Cadence can use the Crystal Heart and the city’s amplification matrix to cast a long range teleport insertion to Canterlot. It will work for you and all the others, but we can't target precisely. Once you orient yourself in the city, you'll have to make the rest of the way by wing."
Fluttershy peered down onto the Kicker compound from the nearby rooftops, and nervously licked her lips. It had only been a single frantic day, and she was still getting used to the feel of her fangs. She kept unconsciously prodding them with her tongue. At least being reminded of them helped her feel fierce, but everything else felt very strange. Especially her magic. It had never been very strong, but now it also felt alien and squashed. Why oh why hadn't Pinkie given her more time to get used to her body? Combined with her nerves, the differences were crashing down and overwhelming her. All the subtle senses of wind and pressure and humidity that she took for granted were just gone, and if there had been a cloud she was sure she wouldn’t be able to do much more than stand on it. They had been replaced with a drumming sensation from all around her she was sickeningly sure was heartbeats. The only things she recognized were her flight, her grip, and a trace of weather magic she thought must be control of lightning. She wouldn't know, she'd only ever summoned lightning once. It had been an accident during a very emotional moment during her disastrous first Gala, and she'd been far too scared to try again. And even the magic she still recognized was all different. She couldn't help but be aware of her tail and mane as they twitched nervously with her thoughts, her new stronger grip making them virtually prehensile. Even her hearing was strange, it kept painting pictures of her surroundings in her head. She let out an inaudible squeak of discomfort that only brought the world around her into sharp three dimensional highlight, and she curled up into a ball.
What had she been thinking? She’d been comfortable in the Crystal Empire with her friends and nothing alarming going on. Even drinking a blood packet hadn’t been that bad, though Nurse Square Cut had frowned at her heating it up, and it had been so tasty. But now the unfamiliarity and the scary situation was just too much. She let out a high pitched whimper again. That was when she heard, rather than saw, a young small brown bat touch down on the roof beside her.
“???” It said, tilting its head curiously. She could hear it’s inquisitive sonar clicks, lighting up the roof around her like a lightbulb. She didn’t want to answer but she supposed she should, she didn’t want him to worry.
“No, I’m alright thank you. I’m just resting” she said, keeping her eyes tight shut.
“?**”
“No, really I am. I’m just a little scared right now, that’s all.”
“*^!”
Fluttershy giggled a bit despite herself. “Yes, I suppose I am a very big bat to be scared aren’t I. But that’s okay. We all get scared sometimes, even if we’re big and strong adults.” The bat chirped sympathetically and walked up to comfortingly lick her nose. Fluttershy smiled, and gave his head a gentle pat in return. It was incredibly useful to be able to see without having to open your eyes. “Thank you very much. My name is Fluttershy. What’s your name?”
“%*$”
“That’s a lovely name. In Equish I think it would be Bartholomew.” Bartholomew shrugged. “Thank you again, you’ve helped me very much.” It was true, she had uncurled and was even tentatively opening her eyes now. She couldn’t afford to collapse here, she needed to be strong. “I need to go now though. And I have to be sneaky, so I won’t be able to talk. But I hope I see you again.” She gathered herself up and took a few deep breaths. The panic attack was fading a bit, though the strange sensations were still overwhelming.
“*@!”
Fluttershy giggled again. “Well that’s very nice of you to say. I think that will help my confidence very much. You really are a lovely little bat. You remind me alot of a friend of mine, I’m sure you’re a good and loyal friend to everyone back at the colony.” Shook herself and shakily flew to another rooftop. It really was too bad he was only a dream, she thought. I would have loved to really meet him.
Suddenly there was a tingling sound behind her, and she whirled around to look. But whatever had happened, it wasn’t obvious. Fluttershy listened for a minute more, but there wasn’t anything of note: only Bartholomew flying off. She shrugged then. She was still getting used to her new ears, and it must have been from the city below her.
She kept taking deep breaths to keep the panic from returning. She was going to need to get this under control if she wanted complete her mission. She wished her friends were there to encourage her. She did have the next best thing though. Discord had been giving her imagination lessons, which he called a special way to lie to yourself. It was a good time to use them. They were very useful, and she hadn't confused them for reality in weeks now. She pictured Twilight as thoroughly as she could, especially her voice, and carefully split off the phantasm so that it could begin talking on it’s own.
“Don’t worry Fluttershy! I know it’s overwhelming, but think about how fascinating it is!” A hallucinatory Twilight said, walking into view from her peripheral vision. She still couldn’t make her imaginings appear in from of her eyes, though Discord said she would with enough practice. “You’re one of the only ponies to ever experience another race’s magic. If we just break down the sensations, like when you first learned, we should be able to limit your focus to the familiar. And I have some books on meditation that...”
Fluttershy closed her eyes and shook her head, vanishing the phantasm to a mental box for later. Twilight meant well, but over-analysis was what had caused the problem in the first place. She couldn’t help but feel her tail twitching, it was like being aware of her tongue. And now she was aware of that too. Darn it. Maybe the others could help more?
“Aw Fluttershy, you don’t need me.” She looked up, and an image of Dash was hovering over her head. “You’re always so radical when it matters. It’s awesome! Just keep your cool and you’ll be fine.”
“Indeed darling.” Rarity added, walking up beside her and giving her her a reassuring hug. “I know you far too well for your timid shell to hide your inner strength. You simply must let it shine through!"
“Yep. Aint none of us think you can’t do this except you Sugarcube. All that’s left is the doin.”
Fluttershy smiled, the hallucinations vanishing to a little mental box as she nodded to them. She hadn’t made a Pinkie Pie, she was sure that if she did she wouldn’t be able to get rid of it. And she was worried that somehow Pinkie would know. But they were right, she thought. I, I mean. I was right. I can do this. It’s just a matter of attitude. Discord was right again. He really was so clever, under all the layers of touchy, bored, lonely zaniness. And I might be scared, but I don’t need to be the me who is scared. Fluttershy nodded to herself in determination. She could be whoever she needed to be, Discord had shown her that too. And she already had a whole history just sitting there ready for her. With just a few changes… She closed her eyes, focused inward on the story the dream was telling her, her mind full of Discord’s lessons. Fluttershy is a mask, she chanted to herself. I wear my mask, it does not wear me. Within me are many masks. I wear my mask, it does not wear me. Fluttershy is a mask...
Night Whisper opened her eyes, looking over the Kicker compound. She hid below the lip of the roof completely, not exposing her head as her ears swiveled and she reached out with her magic. 73 heartbeats in the compound, another five in the air, and a hidden observer she would have landed on in another minute. Her previous clumsiness...what had she been thinking? She couldn’t imagine. It was lucky it was dark.
What HAD she been thinking? That incompetence, that crisis of confidence, it had been like...she shook her head, banishing the thoughts. That didn’t matter, clearly. What was important was the job in front of her. Yes.
Sneaking in wouldn’t be easy, but not impossible either. The Pegassi were blinded by the compound's lights, and the other watcher was up high. Limited perspective was always a problem. A few inaudible clicks revealed an outer window on a former barracks building right by the outer wall. Perfect. Well, this would either work or it wouldn’t...no sense delaying. She took a deep breath and plunged from the roof, zooming low between the buildings in a blur of leathery wings. The wall was right ahead, and she waited until nearly crashing before pulling a sharp climb. Her momentum actually let her run up the wall for a moment as she stalled, and she vaulted the top to drop like a stone. She snapped out her winds again, floating silently to the ground. No time to rest though. She’d been over like a flash, but still…
“Hey, did you see that?” She heard from overhead. Yep, the guards might be questioning what they saw but she still had only moments before they came to check. Fortunately there was the window. Locked of course, but her tail threaded through the gaps with the ease of long practice and twisted open the latch. She darted through the window, her exceptional grip letting her cling to the walls like a spider, and shut the window behind her just as the guards swooped down behind her to check out the disturbance. She ducked out of view of the window and barely even breathed, focusing all her attention on tracking the guards heartbeats. They were the steady, slow rhythm of a practiced flyer, slightly elevated with curiosity, but not the quick sharp beats of alarm. After a tense minute that seemed far longer, they moved on to resume their patrol and she began to breath again.
Now the hardest part was done, she let herself look around. The room she was in had clearly been repurposed into a closet a long time ago, all sorts of odds and ends. The door was locked from both directions, but her tail made short work of that too. She could just imagine Spike’s reaction to that. He’d never really seen her work, but he was so fond of the Maneiac. She wondered, not for the first time, if she should grow her mane out.
”Once you’ve entered the compound, your goal is to find Tornado Kicker’s room. I’ve enchanted these gem beetles to serve as a magical listening devices.” Twilight brandished a tiny squiggling construct, which looked more like an ectoplasmic shrimp that had tried to swallow a saphire. “Just scatter them in his wardrobe and they should conceal themselves in all his uniforms.
Sneaking through the compound was child’s play for Night Whisper. Literally, she added to herself, remembering her forrays through the cloudsdale orphanage of her youth. She could easily detect anyone moving in the corridors, and as for them sensing her...ha! She doubted even another Thestral could have done it. She was the World Champion of Shh, and had even beaten a skeleton once to defend her title. She slipped through the compound as silent as a ghost. She even managed to contain a rumble of her tummy. She hadn’t had anything to eat since that afternoon, with a far too small cup of blood.
She had been quite pleased with herself at beating the skeleton. Dropping the humidity in the room to make the ligaments holding it together creak and snap had been genius, even if it had taken her half an hour to manage without moving her wings. Which...she had done by...She’d had Dash do it for her of course, she couldn’t control humidity. She was lucky she had such loyal friends. Without pegasus magic she would have been in a real bind. Her hunger must be making her a little distracted. She would have to focus to finish the mission on time.
Past the clan museum, and the chapel, up the stairs of the private residence and through Tornado’s door. She smiled to see him asleep. She wouldn’t have hated to have to wait, she really was starving. She quickly darted to the dresser, poured out the packet of beetles in the closet, and was preparing to leave, when she froze. Something wasn’t quite right, but she couldn’t put a feather on what. She didn’t hear any shouts of alarm from anywhere in the compound, but something had her fur standing on end. It was probably nothing, just more trouble like her inexplicable panic attack earlier...where she’d been thinking so strangely, it was almost like she was...hungry. That was it. She really was starving and it was getting to her head. Low blood sugar causing emotional fits and confusion. She really should know better than to fast out of nerves. And she still had to finish the mission and get back to the extraction point.
She turned to look at the sleeping form of Tornado. She shouldn't but... it would just be sensible wouldn’t it? Her mouth watered and she licked her lips again. She hadn’t drunk pony blood that hadn’t been donated for years after all, that was a good record wasn't it? And it was for the mission. Of course she shouldn’t, but it would be so tasty. And it wasn’t like she would really hurt him. Even if she wanted to, they needed him to be in charge for the backup plan. So it really would be alright. It would even be a distraction, when they saw he had been bitten, and they wouldn't look for the beetles. She swallowed, licking her lips again. Yes, all that made sense. Delicious sense.
She crept over to him, hooves barely even touching the floor, and carefully licked his neck with her anaesthetic spit. The warning feeling redoubled, but she still couldn’t hear any alarms. She cast out with her heart sense again, and blinked. At first glance the compound still looked inactive, full of still ponies. But half the heartbeats had moved...and the hall patrols had stopped at the major intersections. Somehow she had been caught. She turned her senses to Tornado, wondering if she had time to eat before she fled, and gasped. Though he still appeared to be fast asleep, his heart was beating strong...and fast!
She leapt back just as he lashed out with a kick that would have struck her solidly in the gut, and in a fluid movement he slashed at her with a wing blade that ripped through the blankets. Flutter...Night Whisper had just enough time to be shocked that he slept with a weapon before the clatter of hooves announced the guards racing to the room.
She'd walked right into their trap, they'd sprung it, and she didn’t have any time! Not that she could beat a trained soldier in close quarters anyway. She had to get out of here! Night Shy Whisper opened her eyes wide and Stared at Tornado, putting all the force behind it that she could. His wing was just winding up for another slash as he froze, and even then it was barely enough. She could see him struggling, trying to look away. She had to keep up the pressure. Against all her instincts she flew towards him and into the reach of his sword. She swayed hypnotically back and forth, her muzzle inches from his, filling his field of vision. She was struggling to keep her eyes locked and not blink as she heard the guards piled together outside the door. Any distraction on her part would break the trance, but she was so close. She called on all her experience in The Quiet Game to not lose focus even when the door was smashed open with a kick. And it was just enough: his own concentration lapsed at the sound and she felt the snap as he went under. With a deft spin she was behind him and let out a warning hiss, fangs inches from the entranced captain’s throat. She had an ironic flashback to a scene years before, when it had been Twilight bursting through the door and Rarity under her thrall. But this time she was on a mission for her Princess, and there wouldn't be any friendship speeches.
The other guards stopped, eyeing her warily and lowering their spears. Only two of them could fit in the door, but she could sense another five in the hall and others getting into position farther away so they wouldn’t crowd the first responders. Oh dear, this wasn’t good at all. She reached behind her with her tail to unlock the window, but two more pegassi were getting in position to intercept. Not good not good…
“Alright Fluttershy, this was a good try. But you’re surrounded. Just let the Captain go and we’ll take you in quietly” the guard in lieutenant’s armor said. Night Whisper blinked. Fluttershy? Who was...Fluttershy…
“You should listen to her Fluttershy” said the other. No, no she thought. She was Night Shy not Flutter...I mean… “I know it’s only a dream, and we don’t want to harm you, but believe me when I say that spears hurt. I’m talking from experience here.” Dream? What dream? She wasn’t Fluttershy! She hissed again, and bit down just hard enough to break the skin. She could remember everything, the orphanage, being banished and living alone, Princess Twilight forgiving her and...and...
“No! I’m real!” She was shouting and she didn’t even mean to be, her eyes wide. “You’re not going to confuse me! I’m not weak and helpless and terrified!” The guards were looking disturbed and actually backing up, their spears seriously at the ready now. Another guard from the hall came into view, looking scared but preparing a spell. They were a unicorn, and out of armor because of the rush. And on her a chest was a moonstone just...like...hers…
“Aaaaa!” Fluttershy screamed as a whole life vanished like dying, and her magic flared in a burst of crackling lightning that filled the room. She was barely coherent as she burst out the window, fleeing the horrible smell of burnt fur. The two pegassi dropped to the ground, also caught in the flaring electricity she couldn’t seem to stop. She had barely cleared the wall before she collapsed to the ground, magic too exhausted even to fly, and galloped blindly into the streets of Canterlot.
"Exfiltration itself should be simple. Just cause some kind of commotion at the compound, and slip away in the confusion. The teleport out will be in the same place you arrived, and we'll give you three hours to complete the mission. By then the plan will be complete, one way or another, and we'll debrief in the war room."
She never would have made it if it hadn’t been for Bartholomew. The little bat had organized his friends to fly in a pegasus shaped flock over the roofs to mislead the guards, and had guided her away himself until she had calmed down enough to make her way to the exfiltration point. And even then, she would have been caught if she had been the only pony running in the streets. The rest of the plan must be going well then, going by the panicked crowds. Yay.
She hugged herself as she waited for the extraction spell. Poor Night Whisper. She wanted to bring her back just long enough to comfort her, but she knew that would just make things worse. She sniffled. She had just wanted to be brave and skilled, not...that. She did remember Discord's lessons for times like this. Within each pony there are many, and one that watches all others. Be that one, and you will recover. It helped a little, but at the moment it seemed cold comfort. She sniffed again, remembering the feeling of her whole world collapsing around her. Bartholomew landed in front of her, chirping anxiously, and she made herself look up.
“Thank you again for helping me, Bartholomew” she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking. “Without you, I don’t know what I’d have…” and then she froze in shock, her woes momentarily forgotten. On Bartholomew’s chest was a smooth round stone, like hers. But it wasn’t the clear white of moonstone. His was the iridescent rainbow of Chaos Magic.
Author's Note
Tornado Kicker, and the Kicker Clan in general, belong to the excellent Winningverse of Chengar Qordath
The Quiet Game comes from here .
2.25 Hours Earlier
Twilight and Tempest were alone in the Crystal Heart chamber, working on strategies. It had been a frantic day of plotting, rehearsing, and scheming to put together a first attempt this very night, but Pinkie had insisted. And constantly interrupted with such a barrage of questions, suggestions, and outright demands that if there wasn’t a valid strategic reason for it Twilight might have zipped her mouth shut. But at last they’d finished, even if Twilight was still convinced the hours of what they’d accomplished didn’t add up somehow, even if she couldn’t find where. Mostly because they never added up quite the same no matter how many times she tried. No doubt Pinkie’s doing again. Twilight had given final mission briefings and teleported her friends out on their assignments 18 minutes ago. And ever since she had been working with Tempest to refine their own part. But it had been a trying day, as evidenced by Tempest growling and blasting her pencil.
“Tempest, what’s bothering you? You’ve been on edge all day.” It was quite impressive, Twilight thought. She’d somehow blown the eraser and it’s holder off, split the wood cleanly in half, and scorched it all with electricity while leaving the graphite completely intact.
Tempest looked embarrassed at her show of temper. “Nothing either of us can do anything about. Besides,” she said, managing a wry grin, “you know me, Princess. I’m always angry.”
“No you’re not.”
Tempest raised an eyebrow, and gestured at the remains of the pencil. “Reeeally.”
Twilight shook her head emphatically. “You aren’t. I know everypony thinks that, because you have such a hard time relaxing and letting yourself be vulnerable. And that’s when you aren’t putting on your war face. But I know you’ve got other feelings Tempest.” Twilight walked forward and put a hoof on her shoulder. “You’re not just some broken angry pony. There’s a mare under there, and one I care alot about. So let me talk to her okay? It’s just us here.”
Tempest shook her head. “Guess trying to hide my issues from the Princess of Friendship was always a non-starter huh?”
It was Twilight’s turn to shake her head. “Oh no no, definitely not. I’m absolutely awful at reading ponies, I always have been. If you want perception you should talk to Fluttershy. Or Rarity and Applejack. Even Starlight, when she’s making an effort. Anypony but me really.”
Tempest’s mouth hung open a bit. “I don’t believe you” she said, when she got her voice back. “You’re literally the Princess of getting along with people. Making enemies into friends is what you do. And you’re trying to tell me that you’re bad at knowing what people are thinking.”
“Well...I have gotten a little better. Mostly through learning from my friends. But still, overall? Yep.” Tempest’s mouth was hanging open again, and Twilight gently closed it with her magic. “I’ve learned to make friends and reach ponies, but I don’t do it by being calculating or trying to figure things out. It’s not even something I’ve got an instinct for like Fluttershy does. For me it’s all about being genuine, expressing what I see as the truth, and being willing to back up my beliefs with action. Annnnd...that’s probably a whole lecture I should stop now unless we want to be here all night.” Twilight nervously ran her hoof through her mane.
“So that’s really it for you? Just act sincerely?”
“Well it worked for you didn’t it?” Twilight smiled. “I didn’t save you because I had a plan you know. I wasn’t looking for an opportunity to turn you, I just didn’t want you to be hurt. And things worked out from there.”
“Heh” Tempest shook she head, looking at Twilight fondly. “I think it helps when you’re genuinely a wonderful pony, Princess. Not all of us have the strength of conviction for that. And besides,” she added with a laugh, “it’s not every day there’s a tornado to haul someone out of. You might want to work on more day-to-day friend making techniques.”
Twilight grinned back, struggling to keep her blush to manageable levels. “I don’t know, you have lived in Ponyville for a few months now. I think you’ll agree catastrophes are a pretty regular bonding opportunity.”
“You’re not wrong.”
“Of course not. I’m the Princess of Friendship remember?” She bopped Tempest lightly on the shoulder. “Speaking of which, you never answered me. What’s bothering you? And remember. Sincerity.”
Tempest sighed, her smile fading. “You’re not going to drop this are you.”
“Nope.”
“Alright. But remember I warned you when it ruins the moment.”
Twilight put wing over her shoulder “Don’t worry Tempest, it’s okay. If it does, we’ll have another one.”
Tempest sighed again. “How do you keep on doing that? It just makes it worse.” Twilight blinked. Made what worse? What had she done wrong? Tempest was looking deeply uncomfortable, staring fixedly at the floor, and she could feel her tensing. “Look, just try not to be mad at me okay? You’re a good friend and it’s not like you can help it. I’m just hurt.” Twilight was deeply confused now, a whirl of possibilities going through her mind, but one thing was standing out like a lighthouse. Whatever had upset Tempest, it was her fault. Oh no, oh no...
“Tempest, whatever I’ve done to hurt you I’m so sorry okay? Just let me know what it is so we can fix it.” She forcibly fought down the urge to babble apologies. This was, as Fluttershy had told her again and again, a Listening Time.
“I’m not sure what there is to do. Like I said, there’s nothing you can do about it. I just have to get over myself. But you insisted, so...look, you having a thing for your brother just really bothers me okay?” Twilight froze. What. Whatever she had been expecting, it had not been that. She was too stunned to even be disgusted. What. Tempest continued on, seeming unable to stop once she’d started “And I get that you can’t control what you feel, and I’m sure you’ve never done anything about it. My spies would definitely have found out if there’d been even a hint of a rumor…”
Right. General. Spies. Profiles. Twilight’s brain was currently reduced to one word sentences. Oh Celestia because of the stupid dream Tempest thought...that’s it, she was going to work with Starswirl and banish Discord to a mathematical abstraction of pure, orderly geometry. One without any irrational numbers. Oh, look, she added to herself. A full sentence. Three even. Theoretical thaumic equations started flashing through her mind.
“But dammit Twilight, it hurts! Hay, you want sincerity? I’ve got feelings for you. I want to be your special someone. And it’s bad enough wanting what you can’t have without having why rubbed in your face.” And just like that, the equations stopped. Tempest pulled out from under Twilight’s unresisting wing. “Even this stupid armor” she gestured at the burning heart on her flank. “This is supposed to be a symbol for how much I meant to you and they’re stamped all over it. And then every time I get my feelings under control, you say something to make me fall for you all over again.” She stamped her hoof in frustration. “So yeah, that’s what’s been bothering me. Good thing we know right? It’s just wonderful. Glad we talked.” Tempest looked completely miserable, staring at the floor, not even able to look at her.
Twilight stared for another moment. A mad giggle was trying to force its way out of her, and she struggled to keep it down. Tempest would never forgive her, not after baring her heart like that. Pinkie had once told her that Laughter was a way to face pain and confusion, and she’d never seen a better example. But beneath that, far deeper, she felt her heart glowing. Tempest cared for her. Tempest might love her. A dreamy sense of boldness seized her as the feeling swelled and pressed away the discord.
“It is” Twilight said softly, looking directly at Tempest, who started and looked back. “It’s wonderful because you’re wrong, and Honesty destroys illusions.” She smiled, and tried as hard as she could to be completely open. “I don’t have feelings like that for Shining, and I never have. When I first woke up and realized what had happened, I almost threw up. And as for Cadence, I’ve never felt more than a filly crush. This is all just Discord’s idea of a joke, or random magical flux. Hay, for all I know it’s Luna projecting a gross crush on Celestia. But it’s not me.”
“But...I thought…” Tempest looked just as stunned as Twilight had been. Twilight walked up to her, feeling almost like she was floating, energy pulsing through her like she was casting a spell.
“Tempest, you’re strong and driven and beautiful." Twilight brushed her face with a hoof, lingering on her scar. “I’ve always thought so, even before I got to know the rest of you. And…”she paused, her heart hammering, but it was far too late to back up now “I don’t know how to do this, so I’m extrapolating. But I think the only way to show you how I feel is with sincerity and action.” And with that she leaned forward and kissed her. There was a moment of stillness, as they stared at each other, hardly believing that had just happened, and then Tempest kissed her back with incredible passion, everything else vanishing for a moment as the Crystal Heart flared behind them.
After an endless moment vanished in each other, Tempest reluctantly broke away. But she was smiling more broadly than Twilight had ever seen. “Wow, Twilight. Your kisses are wonderful... and your timing is terrible.”
“Eugh...you’re right” Twilight groaned. Reality could only wait for so long. Damn it to Tartarus. “I didn’t exactly include ‘Romantic Confession’ and ‘Intense Personal Time’ in the itinerary.”
“‘Intense Personal Time’?” Tempest smirked. “Is that what the Equestrian kids are calling it these days?”
“You’re the same age as me you brat. And neither of us are exactly foals.” Twilight kissed her again. She could do that now if she wanted. It was so strangely freeing. “Besides, I’m used to having Spike handle my notes. I can’t exactly put ‘Teleport us to my bedroom and render Tempest insensible’ on my to do list.”
“You do know that if he wasn’t on the mission with Rarity I would call him here to add exactly that.”
Twilight squeaked and blushed. “At least call it ‘Charging the Crystal Heart’. That’s strategic.”
“Of course, Princess.” Tempest’s kiss was heated, and left Twilight's head spinning.
“You know, if you make me like being called Princess too much it may become a problem” gasped Twilight, when she could breathe again.
“Oh?” Tempest looked insufferably smug. “And if I want to cause trouble?”
“Well, then you’ll do well to remember that I’m supposedly the decadent Co-Ruler with the Empress of Love.” Twilight wasn’t used to being so bold. It was exhilarating, even if she still blushed at everything she was saying. “We still have work to do, and if I have to I’ll call in a chaperone to make sure that it gets done. But. We have hours until the missions are over, I can multitask, and I have a very vivid imagination. Understood?”
Tempest gave a slow smile and backed away. “Understood, my Empress.” She bowed and took Twilight’s hoof to kiss it in what could be considered a gallant gesture. Technically. For herself, Twilight just considered it deeply unfair. Gallant gestures weren’t supposed to make you weak at the knees.
“You know, there’s one thing I have to add to the list now. It’s military even’ said Twilight, feeling mischievous.
“Oh?”
“Yes. It’s just a minor matter of aesthetics, it won’t take a minute.” Literally, she added to herself. Sentry Sigil’s Sympathetic Scribing took less than 25 seconds to cast. She charged her horn and ran through the formulas, sending off a pulse of magic that echoed across a web of related images. And most notably the ones on Tempest’s armor, where she jumped at the flares. And then gasped when she saw the black flames added to the burning heart.
“Twilight,” she said, giving her a look, “you’re making waiting for another kiss remarkably difficult.”
“Why should I suffer alone?” Twilight smirked. “After all, I’m one of the villains. Now get out the next set of contingency plans. We have lost time to make up.”
Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Rarity was trotting into the 1st Equestrian National Bank with a small lapdog in her handbag. She was, of course, prepared for things to go flawlessly. There was no reason it shouldn’t after all. She had the perfect outfit, Black Widow Number 5, in it’s deep purple with green accents. She had unimpeachable false identity documents in case she and her friends had already made any Persona Non Grata lists. And naturally she had all the charm and poise a lady could require. She even had backup, albeit in a very limited form for the next few minutes.
Still, while she had every confidence regarding her success in general, and was in no sense worried, in specific she was a bit concerned about the time.
“Spike, you’re quite sure we’ll have enough time until the spell wears off?”
“For the sixth time yes” said Spike’s voice from her bag.
“Spike, rolling your eyes at a lady is hardly the behavior of a proper gentledrake.”
“You can’t even see me.”
“I heard it. Now shush, we’re coming up to the guards.”
“You were the one talking to me.”
“Yes, and now I need you to be quiet so I don’t look like a crazy mare. Now do be a good dog and put that interdimensional acting skill to use.”
There was a put upon sigh, but he did pop his head out. Morphic resonance had left him with purple and green fur, hence her choice of the Number 5 over the new Number 7 she prefered. At least he really did look the part, panting and eagerly looking around at the patrons. She herself trotted over to the guards, picking one who looked especially tired and bored. Which, given it was the night shift of the twenty four hour bank, were not exactly in short supply. Thank Celestia for her policies designed to encourage an active night life. Because if there was one thing a tired, bored pony didn’t want to hear…
“Oh darling, thank HEAVENS! I’ve simply been having the most wretched time!” Rarity burst out, in her most high strung and histrionic voice. “Oh it’s just been awful, the worst possible day you can imagine. But here you are, my savior in shining armor.” Pride and empowerment be damned, this stallion would want to be rid of her.
“Ma’am, I’m sorry but...ma’am, please let go of me. Thank you. Now, how can I...sweet Celestia, is that a dog?” Behind her the other guards were fanning out, professionally checking for any other activity during what could well be a distraction. Unfortunately for them, it wasn’t, and that left fewer eyes on Rarity.
“Well of course he’s a dog. Isn’t he just darling?” She gripped Spike in her aura and thrust him into the guard’s face, eliciting a yip of protest. “What do you think of his hair style? Oh yes, the poor little dear was just so distraught to be be out of fashion weren’t you? Yes you were! Yes you were!” Hmm, perhaps that was laying it on a bit too thick. If nothing else, the confusion on Spike’s face from the mix of baby talk and affection was a good enough reason to stop. “But enough about the little snuggins.” She popped him back into her bag, to another annoyed yip. “You simply must help me. I have an emergency deposit to make.” She pulled a small, intricate, and heavily enchanted key from her bag in his place, and lowered her voice to a whisper. “To vault three.” The guard’s eyes widened, and no wonder. It was, after all, the personal vault of Princess Cadence.
“Indeed ma’am.” He tapped a discrete gem on his uniform and began to lead her to the back rooms, as she slipped the key into her dress. “The key itself should provide authentication when we reach the vault, of course, but we do have brief security scans for you as well.”
Rarity sighed theatrically. “Oh very well, if you must. It has been a very changeling kind of day. Not to mention the Yaks.” The guard’s eyes widened further. A shame to play to prejudice but still, if it got the job done… “But do hurry won’t you? I’m afraid my little errand for the Princess has left someling quite miffed. Not to mention quite ruined my best dress. RUINED!”
“But...I...what?” The guard was just staring in consternation. As well he should. “You’re...with the EIS?”
“Oh don’t be ridiculous darling! Not that I could tell you if I was, but their disguises are far too drab. Not to mention having to put up with that Heartstrings fellow. Thrumming? Stunning? Oh it’ll come to me I’m sure. Anyway, if I were EIS and I told you too much they might be forced to hire you. And imagine how that would destroy your life! All that skulduggery, those undercover days, and putting up with that wretched Blueblood. You know he’s not even a real prince? Here, hold schnuggums.” She tossed her bag to the guard with a thump as they reached a high end magic scanner, easily enough to detect anything from a notice-me-not spell to a changeling. “No worries about the scanner dear," she added with a wink, "I assure you this is all natural.”
“But...we also need to scan…” He was cut off by a clanging alarm from the scanner as she traipsed through it.
“Oh damn and blast, the key!” Rarity shrieked, ostentatiously tearing through her dress with her magic. Thank goodness the fabric wasn’t real, or this would be a terrible crime. “Oh I’m so sorry!” She staggered from the wreckage of her dress, key gripped in her aura, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m so so sorry! This is the worst possible thing!” She clung to the guard, letting enormous sobs welled up, as he struggled to hold both her and the bag.
“There there” he said awkwardly, patting her head and trying not to collapse.
Rarity let the tears die down to a sniffle. “I never wanted to be involved in all this you know. A simple favor for Luna, what could go wrong? But instead these brigands and shapeshifters and sewers...so many sewers…so many fine outfits lost to the equestrian cause...”
She kept up an endless stream of prattle on the indignities of the life of a reluctant spy, sobbing all the while, until they reached the extremely impressive vault of the Princess. Though personally Rarity thought the neo-pegasopolan columns were a bit much, even if they were clearly intended as a tribute to the Princess’s heritage.
“Here you are ma’am, vault 3” said the guard, a mix of exasperation and appalled fascination at her shallowness written plain on his face. It was truly an impressive sight, and Rarity savored it. He slotted in the key, which worked perfectly of course. It should, belonging to Cadence after all. And the vault opened with an impressive groan and a blinding illumination.
In that moment of light Rarity struck, a fifty foot length of ribbon darting from her bag and handily snaring him in a elegant suspension weave, complete with gag. “Lovely” she said, her tears clearing in an instant, though it would ruin her eyes for the evening. Ah well, sacrifices in war… She looked down at the guard, who was glaring at her and struggling to yell through the gag. “Oh don’t fuss so, you’re quite unharmed.” He really was an unappealing sight. She lifted him up and hung him from the chandelier, where he slowly spun while impotently struggling. Much better. “Besides, I was telling the truth you know. I was making a deposit. Spike dear?” He hopped out of the bag, still in dog form, but the enchantment was clearly fading. The fur was falling out in patches, revealing the scales beneath. “You have a few more minutes on the transformation yes?”
“Four. Wow...just look in there. All that gold and crystal, it’s just...wow.”
“Indeed. And you know, my dear drake? It’s all yours.” She closed the vault door behind him as he ran in, almost entranced by the sight. And then she looked up at the guard. “I would loosen your bonds a bit to give you a chance to run, but you know, I don’t think it would really help. Goodbye dear. FIRE! TRAITORS! CHANGELINGS IN THE VAULTS! EVERYPONY PANIC!” She galloped up the corridor the way she had come, caterwauling all the while in her best imitation of the flower sisters. Behind her there was an echoing sound that gave wings of fear to her flight. It began with a roar, and built to an all encompassing thuum as the vault door simply melted away in a flood of green flame.
Miles from Canterlot, three mares stood by a travelling performer’s wagon and stared in awe at the sight. Even from such a distance they could hear the roars of the beast towering over Canterlot, and see the pillars of green flame billowing into the sky.
“Wow” said Maud, her voice as deadpan as ever.
“Trixie is feeling...distinctly less than great and powerful at the moment” said a small voice. Trixie was dressed only in her hat, and shivering in the night chill.
“Sweet Celestia, is that SPIKE?” Starlight stared at her former friend, currently stomping towards the Canterlot Library.
“Yes. It looks like your friend the princess has finally gone off the deep end.” Maud’s tone and expression didn’t change, but she put a comforting leg over Starlight’s shoulder.
“She’s not my friend. Not anymore” said Starlight. She was quite proud she kept her voice from trembling. “But thank you.” She pulled a blanket from the wagon and wrapped them all up in it, pulling Trixie up close. A time like this, they all needed each other.
“Trixie...Trixie understands if anypony else needs comforting. She...is in fact a bit unnerved herself, so she understands if panic is required.”
“I’ll let you know if I have to scream” said Maud, while Starlight snorted and held Trixie closer. But then the moment passed and Starlight sobered.
“I can’t believe it really came to this” she said. “I mean it’s been building for years but...it’s Twilight.”
“Ponies do foolish things for love” said Trixie quietly. “And even more foolish things when they’re completely sure they’re right.”
“What matters now is Equestria” said Maud. “Our homes and the ones we love.” Starlight nuzzled her.
“Your sister is with Twilight, isn’t she. Pinkie. Do you think you can stand to fight her?”
“As much as you can stand to fight Twilight.” Starlight winced, but Maud’s face was stone. “They’ve made terrible mistakes, and we’ll help them come back. And when they do, we’ll give them another chance. Just like Twilight did for you, and just like you’ll do for her.” Trixie and Starlight nodded.
“Well then,” said Starlight, “we don’t have any time to waste. If I know Twilight she’s five steps ahead of us and moving fast, so it’s time to catch up.”
“Hmm...The Perceptive and Insightful Trixie suspects Starlight the Magnificent has an idea.”
“I do” said Starlight, and despite the situation she smiled. “Maud, didn’t you once tell me that with the right rock you could conquer Equestria?”
The three of them sat by their wagon, plotting long into the night, watching the Battle of Canterlot unfold. None of them heard the tinkling noise that passed over them, or noticed the chaos gems appearing over their hearts.
Author's Note
Yeah, it's kind of like that.
10 - A Genie and a Meteor
“Look at all this Tempest, it’s wonderful!” Twilight was practically dancing in the rain of classified documents that were pouring into the map room in a stream of dragonfire. It was so exciting, hours of reports to go through and sort, the kind of details she never got to handle. She beamed at Tempest, who was sitting on the opposite side of the room, and received a satisfied smile in return. They had just finished their preparation. Or rather Tempest had put her hoof down at a fourth review of the notes and Twilight had been contemplating the best way to discreetly dismiss the chaperone, a resigned looking Crystal Pony named Boring Hours.
“It certainly looks promising. I’m impressed, I was a bit worried when you gave Pinkie her assignment without even the beginnings of a plan.”
Twilight shrugged. “She’s Pinkie Pie. I know it seems odd, but she really is a force of nature when she gets going on something. And since I don’t know how she does it, all I can do is point her in the right direction.”
“People kept telling me that, and even with everything I’ve seen her do I still have trouble believing it. I guess it’s impossible to argue with the results though. Do you find it unnerving? That she’s inexplicable?”
“Well I actually can explain some of it.” After seven years of research and an enormous number of headaches, which she did not want to admit aloud. Non-unicorn magic was a shockingly obscure field, and she’d had to dig out actual mystical texts. She much preferred the rationality of a good spellbook. “She’s really developed her Grip to an unusual degree for a start, which is how she can literally walk up the walls. And apparently the ‘Pinkie Sense’ runs in her family. Divination is most common in Earth Ponies anyway, so it makes sense. It’s a weird manifestation of it, but it’s not quite unheard of.” The torrent of scrolls was petering out, and Twilight shook her head to dislodge one that had landed squarely on her horn. “But for the rest, all I can tell you is that it’s some kind of magic and that Discord swears blue it’s not Chaos.”
“Literally I assume?”
Twilight snorted. “How’d you guess? All Pinkie will do is joke about how she can ‘only do it if it’s funny’, so I’ve just had to accept that some things are real even if we don’t understand them yet. You get used to it.”
At that moment sparkling pink cloud swirled into the room with a delighted “WHEEEEE!” Tempest jumped up and her horn began to spark while Twilight nearly toppled over in shock. It circled the room, rushing around Boring Hours as he galloped wild eyed for the door, and began to coalesce into a familiar form.
“...PINKIE PIE?!?” Twilight goggled. Pinkie’s head and front legs were solid, but floating in mid air, while her back end appeared reluctant and trailed off into a tail of that strange pink smoke. She was apparently wrestling to solidify, struggling with something invisible around her hips like she was trying to get off a hoop skirt.
“Hi TwiTwi! Hi Fizzie!” Pinkie gave them a strained smile as she continued her efforts, apparently either not noticing or not caring that she had drifted upside down. “Oof! Wow, the flight is great but the landing? Not so much. Maybe this will...aw fiddlesticks.”
Tempest and Twilight shared a Class 3 Look. Tempest raised an eyebrow. “Okay, no you don’t” Twilight admitted. “Pinkie, what happened? Are you okay?”
“Well I would be except that SOME meanie-pants shot me with a rubber band. Pow, right in the snoot. So of COURSE something like this would happen.”
There was a moment of silence. Twilight’s mouth hung open. It was finally broken by Tempest.
“...Your secret weakness is rubber bands. You’re indestructible, you’ve got power over space time and gravity, and your weakness is rubber bands.”
“Well, one of them. At least it wasn’t a pie.”
“Right. Pies. Why not.” Tempest threw her hooves up in exasperation. “I’m just a general. I try to be sensible, I try to be professional, I try to make plans. And I live in a world where a single unstoppable mare can steal all the government’s files at any time and then be turned into a bucking genie because some foal shot her with a rubber band. Why the buck not.”
Twilight trotted over to comfort her marefriend. She still thrilled every time she thought that, and judging by the last few hours that wasn’t changing anytime soon. She put a wing around her. “It’s okay Tempest. Just do what I do, accept that the world really is this stupid sometimes. Which means that really we sane ones are just as crazy as everypony else, so we belong after all.” Tempest gave an amused snort, which was definitely an improvement, but her response was cut off when Pinkie whooshed over to give Twilight a hug.
“Twilight, you finally learned! I’m so proud of you!”
“Whoa, learned what Pinkie?” Twilight gently pushed Pinkie back, which was much easier in her current form: Pinkie was surprisingly strong under her slightly pudgy build. She’d have to tell Pinkie that hugging Tempest was a personal space time, she noted to herself, and added it to a to-do list.
“That the world is ridiculous! I’ve been trying to show you that for years! If you take it too super serious all the time you’ll go all grey faced and blah.” She made a sagging face with her tongue sticking out before returning to her chipper smile. “We need to celebrate! Ooh, first, wait, something you said earlier, Fizzie. Something very important.”
“That your secret weakness is rubber bands?”
“No, that I’m a genie! You were right. Woo!” Pinkie zoomed in a loop about the heart chamber, and somehow had acquired a saddle-arabian headscarf by the time she returned to them. “So! Cool! Oooh I know, make a wish! Make a wish!”
“I wish for two wishes!” Said Twilight quickly. She’d thought about this for a long time, and while the classic ‘infinite wishes’ was probably stretching it with an extra wish she could experiment to find the maximum number of additional free wishes possible.
“Silly Twily, I never said I was giving you a limit! Friendly neighborhood genie at your service for reasonable wish-granting.”
“Oh, that does make sense.” Twilight’s face fell. Sure, having more wishes was nice, but she had wanted to experiment!
“Don’t worry Twilight, you can tempt the wrath of powerful, fickle, immortal beings for science another time” said Tempest.
Twilight perked up. “You really think so?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s inevitable.” Twilight frowned. Judging by her life these past few years, she couldn’t tell whether Tempest was teasing her or not. That should probably worry her. “Meanwhile Pinkie, how about something small to start. I’ll wish for a cake, thank you.”
“Okie doki loki, your wish is my command!” Pinkie zoomed from the room.
Tempest turned to Twilight. “So, do we think she’s actually got new magic powers or is this just her being herself?” Twilight shrugged. There was another whoosh, and Pinkie was back with a chocolate cake. One covered with purple candies and dark chocolates in the shape of hearts.
“Tada! I had this all ready for when you two finally got together, I hope you enjoy it!”
Tempest sighed. “Of course you knew. How?”
“Well when I got back I saw the new banners, but I hadn’t been getting any buzzing for friends getting seriously smoochy, so I knew I wasn’t too late.”
“I meant how did you...no, you know what? Never mind.”
“That’s the spirit! Just follow Twilycorn’s example, you old spark head!”
“...You know there’s noone else alive who could get away with calling me that without a blast to the face? And that I only let you do it because it wouldn’t make a difference?”
“Yep!”
Meanwhile another thought had just caused hairs to spring from Twilight’s mane. “Wait Pinkie, your Pinkie Sense for friends being...um...intimate is a buzzing? Like a vibration sort of buzzing?”
“Yep!”
“So then...um…” Twilight was turning beet red.
“Yes?” Pinkie smiled guilelessly at her.
“Well what I mean to say is, where does it...no, you know what? I’m not asking that either.” There were some things ponies were just not meant to know.
“OH! You’re asking if it’s one of the SPECIAL kind of Pinkie Senses.” Damn it. “Well…”
“IWISHYOUWOULDN’TTELLMEABOUTYOURSEXYPINKIESENSES!” Twilight got out in a rush.
“Aw. Okay fine, Princess Partypooper. All I’m saying is, if you and Tempest ever need some advice you come talk to Auntie Pinkie.”
“We’re both older than you” said Tempest, rolling her eyes.
“I know! Bogged in the prudish traditions of the older generation. It’s so sad!” More of Twilight’s mane sproinged free, and Tempest’s eye began twitching. “Heeeey, wait a minute…” Pinkie looked down intently at the vapor trail and then, in a feat of flexibility Twilight really didn’t want to think too hard about in context, stuck her head between where her back legs would be. “Oh dammit! When we get Spike back I am going to have WORDS with him.”
A number of scenarios she really didn’t want to think about flashed through her mind, before Twilight settled on the least disturbing as a beacon of sanity. It wasn’t a high bar, which was fortunate. “Wait, Pinkie, when you arrived here...are you trying to tell me you mailed yourself by dragonfire?”
“Well yeah. How else would I have done it?” Twilight and Tempest performed synchronized facehoofs. Then Tempest glared.
“Wait, so then all that about rubber bands and pies was you messing with us?”
“No! That head beaurocrat guy you told me about, Dotted Line? He messed up my exit. He turned the joke around on me, and now my mojo is all messed up.” Pinkie folded her legs and pouted at that. “I think it’ll be a bit before I can be too Pinkie for you for a bit, Twilight. I’m sorry. We’ll have to work around the bits where you needed that sort of thing unless I can get it back.”
Tempest nodded and made a note. Meanwhile gears were turning in Twilight’s head. “Turning the joke around on you…” Twilight did a quick magical scan of Pinkie, and blinked to see her suspicions confirmed. For anything related to Pinkie that was a first. There was the familiar magic of sending fire, and then Pinkie’s own strange variety, but all entangled and Pinkie’s magic actually refusing to let the remaining enchantment die. It reminded her of a case she’d seen of auto-magical immune disorder, where an unfortunate unicorn’s innate spell resistance had turned against her own cutie mark. “So wait. All the times when you told me you couldn’t do something unless it was funny and I thought you were joking it was actually just true? All this strange magic you do is literally from humor?”
“Yes! Twilight I’ve been trying to tell you…” Twilight’s head was spinning. She finally had a serious insight into the Pinkie Conundrum and it made no sense at all. Magic just didn’t work that way. Magic manipulated forces and energies and rules, not fundamental concepts. The only exceptions she knew were the artifacts of the founders and the Elements of Harmony. And they were unique miracles, manifestations of the divine. Weren’t they? She almost toppled over as she considered new possibilities, that even as Element of Magic her fundamental paradigm might be wrong.
Twilight might have stood there all night, her mind completely blown, if the alarm she had set for just such a circumstance hadn’t gone off. That still didn’t jolt her out of it, but Tempest shaking her did. “Bwuh?” She said intelligently.
“Princess, I understand you may have just had a cosmic revelation of some kind. But the cosmos will still be there in a few hours, and we have an agenda.”
Twilight shook herself to clear the daze. “Ugh. You’re right of course.” She had to pull herself together. “But I don't care if Sunburst is done fixing whatever mess Discord caused in the Library, I'm going to dig into this with him later. Alright, yes, I need to do this. Pinkie, make sure Cadence is on the way.”
“Say the magic worrrrrrd!” Said Pinkie, seemingly completely oblivious to the bombsell she’d just dropped.
“I wish you would go get Cadence for us” said Tempest.
“Right!” And Pinkie vanished with a whoosh. In the distance they could hear Pinkie calling her name.
“And peace at last” said Tempest. “Explicable or not, that mare is the most exhausting person I have been around in my life.”
“Well, it’s been an exhausting day either way” said Twilight. “Revelations, romance…” at that she sidled up to kiss Tempest, who relaxed into it with a sigh. “And with this battle it’s going to get worse. I’m lucky I’ve got something to look forward to at the end of the day.”
“Heh. Softie, like I said. Alright Twilight, I’m set. So whenever Cadence gets here we’ll get this show on the road.”
Celestia and Luna appeared side by side in the wreckage of downtown Canterlot, armoured and weapons ready. Luna had her six swords, while Celestia had a Halberd she would never let Luna know she had named Sunbeam. She surveyed the scene, Spike looming by the royal library. In this state he probably considers the books treasure, she thought. Fortunately his magic wouldn’t agree. Innate draconic greed magic had a hard time getting a grip on more abstract forms of wealth.
“Just like old times, is it not?” Said Luna,
“Indeed. At least he’s grounded. The usual way then?”
“I am hardly one to change a winning strategy. But beware of tricks. Spike is quite intelligent, and will retain some cunning even in this bestial state.”
“I do remember when he defeated the Wonderbolts, Luna. Now lets…”
She was cut off by a crack of lighting, and a blinding pink light from the sky. More worryingly, she also felt the tingle of a teleport ward sweeping the area. That couldn’t be good. The light resolved into Twilight and Cadence, posed dramatically in the sky.
“Oh Harmony” muttered Luna. “Are they going to…”
“They are.” Celestia quirked a smile even as she began probing the ward for weaknesses. She felt Luna beside her doing the same. “Twilight always was a fast study.”
“Luna, Celestia, behold the future!” Cadence and Twilight’s voices rang out in synch. Impressive, Celestia thought, they even have the voice. They don’t quite have the timbre or resonance down yet, but that will come with time.
“On this day, Equestria’s heart lays rightful claim to the land” Cadence pronounced.
“A new age of Love and Friendship is come, from horizon to horizon and beyond the stars” added Twilight.
“Bow and be lifted in glory, or fight and fall into the mists of history.”
“Surrender the Sun and Moon to their true rulers, the Queens of Dusk and Dawn!”
Oh, they had rehearsed! Celestia struggled to retain an appropriately grim expression, but she wanted to prance with glee like a filly. “How dare you challenge us?" She shouted back. She was enjoying this. "We are Celestia Sol Invictus and Luna Nox Aeterna! You stand before the Unconquered Sun and the Eternal Night, and we will never surrender!” She really should have prepared material in advance, but she could improvise. “Especially never to ungrateful whelps like you. Oh woe, it seems I am doomed to ever be betrayed! It is the curse of…” She was cut off when Luna fired a coruscating blast at Twilight and Cadence, catching them off guard and forcing them to dive out of the way. “Luna, I wasn’t finished!”
“Sister, in your amateur theatrics you have forgotten the dragon! Besides which, your delivery was trite.” Celestia gasped in offense, but Luna ignored her. “Go, your strength will best be used in the city’s defense.” Luna’s power rose, shrouding her in a maze of shadow, and her swords gleamed like teeth. “I will deal with these traitors. Join me when you are able.”
A roar and the thundering crash of a research building going down put an end to further discussion. Rainbow sparks flew to the sky. Celestia nodded her acknowledgement and galloped towards Spike, Sunbeam beside her. It had been a long time since she had fought a dragon, but it was hardly the kind of thing you forgot. First, you had to get their attention.
A bolt of her sunfire plowed into Spike’s chest, knocking him off balance. It didn’t hurt him, of course, but that was hardly the point. She prepared herself for the counterattack as his enormous reptilian eyes focused on her. You had to get them angry, tunnel vision focused on you, not thinking. And to help with that...a brief flare, and the Want It Need It spell took hold on her. His resistance now would be formidable but at least some was sure to get through, and his nature would work against him here.
“Pretty Pony” Spike spoke for the first time since the rampage began. Celestia felt his voice vibrating in her chest, and she unfurled her wings. The ground shook as he descended to all fours, stalking towards her around the library like an enormous cat. “Pretty mane.” Good, it was working. She prepared for the inevitable pounce, to dart forward through his grasping limbs and drive Sunbeam into a gap between his belly scales. “MIIINNE!!!”
Windows cracked from the noise, Celestia’s ear’s swept back, she raised her halberd for the final blow. And then he whipped his head around, directing a scorching wave of flame into the library. Green fire blasted out of every door and window in the building as his breath consumed the literature of ages. Celestia barely had time for a moment of confusion before thousands of tons of books came tumbling at her head.
Twilight recovered from her evasive dive, and from the corner of her eye saw Cadence do the same. Attacking during a monolog...who did that? Luna apparently, who stood her ground as Celestia galloped to confront Spike. Perfect. She couldn't see them, but Tempest Rainbow and Applejack would be ready by now. "You really should surrender, Luna. You're outnumbered."
At that signal a scintillating blast of lightning tore from the nearby rooftops, driving Luna to the ground. An expertly thrown net fell, snaring her wings, and Rainbow dove from the sky like a comet. The ground level Rainboom nearly knocked Twilight from the air, even braced for it and bolstered by Starlight's flight spell, but she fought through the chaos to add her own energy lance to the attack. At the same time Cadence snapped up a one-way containment sphere, in case Luna could somehow still evade. But as it turned out it was unneeded. Twilight's blast cut clean through, and struck home with a clap of thunder. She touched down, and shook her head to clear the spots from her eyes. Her ears were ringing, and she had put a bit more into that last attack than was probably wise. But it was done. Luna's unconscious form sprawled before her, snared and contained.
"Good work girls, we've got her. Now quick, lets get her out of here before Celestia realizes what happened."
But at that moment laughter rang out. Luna's laughter, wild and scornful. It echoed across the burning streets, seeming to come from everywhere and nowhere. They all looked around wildly for the source, to no avail. "You fools" a voice said, whispering from just behind her. But no matter how she twisted there was nothing. "You stand in the presence of the Princess of the Night. This is my hour. And I am never outnumbered." Twilight gasped as three, four, five Lunas emerged from the shadows, and the shadows followed after. She backed up as they circled her, horn flared desperately. "Why do you cower so Twilight? You sought to seize the moon, proclaimed yourself rightful ruler of the night. Tell me truly, after all this. Are you afraid of the dark?" They raised their swords and the darkness rushed forward, and with it came an utter appalling silence. Twilight screamed, and heard no noise but the rushing of blood in her ears.
Well, thought Celestia dazedly, that's a new one. It was dark, except for her horn glow and the golden light of her shield glimpsed dimly through the books that packed around her. Every inch of her ached from the pummeling she had taken before her shield went up, and she was pinned in a remarkably uncomfortable position by the books inside the sphere. She couldn't drop the shield, for fear of being crushed. Even now she could could hear the thunder of the paper avalanche continuing outside. She let out a painful cough. The faint smoke of a fire sending, normally a pleasantly nostalgic aroma, was so choking thick she'd been forced to make her shield airtight. And that didn't remove the smoke trapped with her and oozing from the books.
So, what now? Calm down. It's just like a real avalanche. You know how to deal with those, even if it's been thousands of years since you didn't have a horn. You're not getting out just now and that's okay. Don't move, take stock, don't waste air. Teleportation to escape was out. Sunbeam was still beside her, thank Harmony: summoning would be blocked too. The smoke inside the shield was wretched, and would be a suffocation hazard soon. That at least I can deal with, she thought, sending a pulse of magic through her wings that precipitated the smoke into a solid ball of soot. She breathed deep in relief, and then listened carefully. The avalanche outside was dying down, and she heard the sound of Spike creeping impatiently outside.
I don't have much time. First and simplest, I can probably blast my way out. It will be disorienting and waste power, call that plan b. The mountain of books shuddered, as she felt the enormous bulk of the dragon clamoring onto the pile. Oh Harmony, he must still be looking for me. Her shield strained as the great mass of books shifted to a new equilibrium. Oh that's not good, he'll crush me by accident. I can try to learn Luna's Nightform spell from memory inside a minute...ha, no. Fire-send myself back to him? Even if I survived it without side effects, I'd come out right by his teeth without my weapons and armor. Spike shifted again and she struggled to hold the shield up, sparks flying. She heard the sliding of the books far away. He must be digging, and he was upsetting the whole pile. Dammit that was hard. In a real avalanche you could at least count on the dogs to find you.
Wait.
"SPIKE! SPIKE I'M HERE!" She roared out in the Canterlot Voice. "COME GET YOUR PRETTY!" She heard a grumbling growl, a thud, as he crept towards her. The gruff pants of his breath as he scrabbled through the mountain of books to her. Wonderful Celestia, she thought, you've got the overpowered dragon digging you out. Now time for a plan for what to do when he gets here. Quickly please.
The load on the shield was almost gone, and she could actually feel the heat of his breath on the outside of her shield. Well, when in doubt, go for the classics. The last of the books outside the shield fell away, and her stomach sunk as he lifted the entire bubble in his palms like an excavated egg. She dropped the shield, the books that had been binding her tumbling away , and she struggled to rise as he lifted her to eye level. Oh Harmony, she thought, staggering to her hooves and staring into his enormous adoring eyes, he's holding me like a foal with a butterfly. And he might break me by accident just as easily. This had better work.
"Spike, I have something to show you! Watch this!" She shouted, slowly raising Sunbeam. A small amount of channeled power and Sunbeam was glowing, and she set it dancing around her like a minotaur fire spinner.
"Pretty!" rumbled out, the sound thrumming in her chest. But he actually stretched out his arms to keep distance, and she was sure that no matter how pretty he hadn't forgotten the halberd was a threat. Well, it was worth a shot. And then she noticed with alarm that he actually seemed to be growing again. Growing fast. What could...oh buck me! Dragons could count living beings as possessions! No more time. She channeled a surge of power into the strongest light spell she knew, and leaped out of his paws as he roared at the blinding flare.
Her wings snapped out and she desperately dodged his grasping paws. She'd forgotten that particularly barbaric bit of dragon magic. She couldn't let him get claw on her again. If she was lucky he would simply gain power equal to the value of an Alicorn, if she was unlucky he'd be able to claim the Sun as his hoard. She couldn't allow that, he'd have the power to consume the continent. Which, she thought, means I have to make him too angry to take me alive. Wonderful.
Time to break out Pansy's old trick. She veered hard to port as Spike leaped for her, his feline agility frankly appalling for a beast of his scale. The landing made a shattering boom, and a casual brush of a building as he whipped round left the side caved in. It's like the whole world is a sand castle, she thought with a desperate hilarity, as she swooped over the smoking mountain of books. At least the height he had gained from seizing her was melting away as quickly as it had arrived. Good. She was no-one's property. Well, here it goes. She cancelled the spells on her. He shook his head and snarled as the obsession spell cleared. No more pretty pony protection. Now we're playing for keeps.
"Come on then, worm! I faced Ancalagon the Black at the height of his power, in the mountains that stood where glass plains lie now. You're nothing but a crawling beast, wearing borrowed power to dress in the clothes of your betters." Spike bared his teeth and crouched for another pounce, fire leaking from his nostrils.She spread her wings, pegasus magic flowing forth.
Smoke was just fine particles in the air. A powerful sweep of her wings gathered the cloud, shaping it carefully. The right concentration of flammable particles in the air was a deadly explosive mixture, as granary disasters could attest. Of course, smoke was already burned. But Dragonfire would burn anything.
"So face me and die Spike." She kept herself from wincing at her words. This had to work. "First you, then your wretched traitor of a sister."
That struck home. He opened his eyes wide, and reared to his full height. "Never harm Twilight! Never kill us! BURRRRRNN!!!"
Even braced for it, Celestia was barely in time. No shield, dragonfire loved to devour magic. A wall of solid wind. The sheet of empowered flame hit the smoke cloud and went off like a bomb. The shock wave leveled the block, and every exposed surface was blazing green. And Spike was writhing in the crater, ontological immunity struggling against all consuming fire. He was instinctively crouching, protecting his vulnerable belly, but she could work around that. Celestia swooped, driving Sunbeam at his eye with all the force she could muster. And his gaze snapped to her with a look of pure hate, nictitating membranes hardened like crystal slamming over his eyes. The halberd cracked through, lodging to blind his eye, and he let out a shattering roar of pain. But he was still alive.
Oh buck me that's not fair, Celestia thought, in a strange moment of calm. That was everything I had.
And Spike was up, ignoring the pain with a rage so great she could feel it pour from him in waves. Time to run. She flew away desperately, pouring on speed and not daring to look back. Fire followed, no longer waves but deadly focused blasts no wind shield would dispel. He really is a prodigy, the thought frantically, and now he's tapping Rage magic to go with the Greed. I've never threatened a dragon with a family before. Stupid! Stupid! He was invulnerable enough before. What can I do then? Take his hoard? He's strong enough now everything he sees is his unless it's actually fighting back. And if a spark of that fire touches me my magic means I'll go up like I've been soaked in oil.
Hold that thought.
Right, one more chance for old age and treachery. She changed course, heading for the crater of the bank where this all began. Behind her there was an instant reaction, Spike sensing the threat to his gold. She poured on all her speed. Just let me get there first, she chanted to herself, flashing between the buildings. And then she was there, skimming over ruined ground. And there was the crater, at it's center a pool of molten gold. The gathered wealth of Equestria. Of course it had been melted, to remove her and Luna from the coins and expunge any other claim. He really was very clever. She touched down by the shore, and sent the power of the Earth flowing into the metal. Of course the disenchanters had already cleared the dragonfire here. That would be too easy. But that was alright. He was right behind her, she could hear the tramp of his feet. There was a rumble, and he peered over the edge with the same baleful glare from his remaining eye. But for all the hate she could see there, she also still saw far too much cunning to flame and burn his hoard.
She wouldn't give him a choice. She stretched her power through her hooves, and the lake of gold rose in a wave. It flowed over his head, into his mouth, nostrils, smothering. It flowed into the ruined socket, around his body. Celestia closed her eyes as a burbling roar escaped the roiling morass. Please, she thought, please end this. And, at last, a desperate flame burst out. The gold caught fire instantly, and there was an agonized growl. It blazed away effortlessly with the power she had poured into it, boiling and seething away into nothingness. And as it did his monstrous form shrunk, desperate thrashes and growls giving way to twitches and moans. And soon the beast was gone. There was nothing but the tiny, unconscious form of a baby dragon.
All was silence.
Celestia found herself crying, walking to his fallen body. At least he was still breathing. Dream or no, this wasn't fun anymore. "Spike, I'm so sorry" she said. She resolved to be there for him the moment he woke up. And then, because they were still acting, she conjured a pair of manacles and cast a spell to summon the nearest guard.
Tempest stared down from the rooftop as the darkness closed over Twilight and the Lunas confronting her. No. No, this was not happening. Alicorns were powerful, but they weren't rutting invulnerable! If anyone knew that it was her. Luna must be cheating, she made the damned dream after all.
Well even if Luna was going cheat she'd make her bucking well work for it! She wouldn't let Twilight be taken out by some hack of a Princess who wouldn't admit when she'd lost! She felt the fire of that anger, focused on it and let it build till she saw red. Someone was shouting something to her, but it didn't matter. Her mind was lightning and dark fire and Luna and how she was going to end her . She let the energy burn in her limbs and leaped from the roof.
It was like plunging into deep water, a sudden crash of silence followed by an all too real one as she misjudged her landing. She barely felt it, rolling to her hooves. It was pitch black, where was she?
"Show yourself!" She shouted. Or tried to. The sound never even reached her own ears. She had to find Luna or this could be over in an instant. The darkness and silence was total. All she could hear was the rushing of blood and the thunder of her breathing. Dammit where was she?
Well Tempest, she thought, you really put your hoof in it this time.
Her mind was still racing, anger still coursed through her, but there was nothing to strike. She hissed silently to herself. Anger was a tool, and an old friend, but right now it was a distraction. She wanted to run, scream, something to make Luna appear, but there was nothing but the chill darkness. Twilight could be fighting for her life right next to me and I'd never know it!
And then in the maelstrom a memory floated to the surface. It was shockingly clear in the void, like she was back at the rocks by the sea. 'Ay yeh think yer clever, but what'll ye do if'n they throw acid in your eyes hey? What then? Put on th'damn blindfold.' Heh, her mad old teacher. A northerner from the isle of Sky, the only unicorn she'd met who really understood fighting. The reason she'd added Shadow to her name. She hadn't thought back on that place in years.
She focused on her anger, calling it back, shaping it to a chilly edge. 'Eye of the storm' she chanted silently to herself, and spread her mane and tail wide like cat whiskers. Breathed deep through her nose. The ozone of magical discharge and the petrichor of the rainboom. It wasn't much, not deafened like this. With her broken horn she couldn't even seek magic. But it was enough. There, just to her right, the breeze of something large moving through the air.
She whipped her head round and snapped off a blast of lightning in the darkness. It was still silent, and even the lightning couldn't pierce the dark, but she felt the resistance as it struck home and hurled something away. The air fell still. And only then did she remember that Twilight could also fly.
Her rage vanished in a splash of cold fear. Dammit dammit bad habits! She was too used to working alone or with soldiers in magic resistant armor. And the darkness hadn't lifted. Luna was still standing. She'd just attacked Twilight. Another set of too-clear memories flashed by. Leaping through the air kicking an obsidian orb that held a fragment of a basilisk's heart. Standing on deck as an airship broke to splinters in a blast of her lighting. She'd just done it again, and Luna had won. She closed her eyes, not that it made a difference, waiting for a blast from nowhere she didn't think she'd be able to dodge.
It never came. Where was she? Was Cadence somehow holding her off? More memories were flashing by, quicker now. Twilight pulling her out of a storm, eyes full of concern, never mind that minutes ago Tempest had had her in a cage. Fireworks over Canterlot, and a wing over her shoulder. The first time they'd had breakfast together, Twilight's mane messy and her vocabulary limited to grunts before coffee. Arguments for clemency before Luna and Celestia, insisting she be given another chance. Their first kiss just hours ago...she felt her heart glow at the memory and she almost giggled, which shocked her back to her senses.
She shook her head hard. This was not normal, something was very wrong. I need to concentrate. I've heard sensory deprivation makes you loopy, but not that fast. How long had it been? It couldn't have been more than seconds could it? Minutes? In a fight that was an eternity, and the warmth in her chest was still spreading. The darkness around her was taking on a rosy glow. What has happening?
And then suddenly light flared around her like breaking dawn, and the world was illuminated as by two blazing stars. Cadence descending from above, wings spread and horn flared, the peach of morning clouds. And Twilight, standing tall after all and shrouded in a hemisphere of force, the deep red of the sunset shining from her chest. The light mingled, casting the cobblestones and storefronts, even the steetlamp, in gorgeous relief. Tempest stared in awe for a moment, then galloped desperately to Twilight's side. It's probably an illusion, she thought. You're about to plant your face into a wall. But what have I got to lose?
She saw Twilight turn to stare at her and gasp, the shield rippled, and Tempest was through the membrane with a rush. Sound returned, the clatter of her hooves sounding like cannons. She stumbled from shock, but Twilight was at her side supporting her.
"Tempest, are you alright? What are you doing here?" The sound pounded at her ears. Huh, real after all. That was something
"Ugh, not too good, better than the toast I thought I'd be. I got reckless." Cadence was swooping in for a landing next to them, lighting the whole street. "Why can I hear? Where's the light coming from?"
"My Reality Sphere" said Twilight. "It's the strongest shield I know and I panicked." She brushed her mane nervously, like they weren't in the middle of a fight. "I designed it to stop Discord but I can't keep it up long." Tempest nodded, Twilight was already showing strain. "And we can see because Cadence is casting Roselight. It lets you see by...um..." and Twilight blushed beet red.
"It lets you see by the light of other's love for you" said Cadence, stepping through the barrier. "Even Luna's Night Veil can't block it. Don't worry about me by the way," she added with a wink, "it's Agape, not Eros."
"...Right" said Tempest, making a note to find out what that meant as soon as possible. But there were more important things to worry about now. "I attacked someone in the dark, I don't know who. I think it was Rainbow."
Twilight stared at her, and Tempest noted with alarm that she was definitely starting to sweat from exertion. "No, they're all over there, outside the dark. You can't see them? Bright pink glows highlighting them like signposts?"
"Storge" added Cadence.
Tempest winced. That, she thought, hurt much more than I would have thought. But I still have more important things to deal with. "No. I can't" she said curtly. "Now where in Tartarous is Luna? We've been standing here talking for too long, why hasn't she hit us yet?" Twilight definitely couldn't keep this up for long, her horn glow was flickering.
"Oh but I'm enjoying this." Twilight jumped, while Cadence and Tempest looked everywhere for the source. "My enemies exhausting themselves, putting themselves together in a single, safe, magical bubble?"
"Oh lift your tail cause it comes..." she muttered to herself. That couldn't be good.
A black blade rammed through the shield, striking Cadence in the flank and making her cry out.
"But if you insist, I shall oblige." Resonite with a sharpened glass handle for telekinesis, thought Tempest in a detached way. My own damn trick. Glaring cracks erupted across the shield. She shoved Twilight aside as a second sword shattered the barrier completely, glancing off her armor and skittering the cobblestones. And Luna appeared, coalescing from a cloud of flowing stars, four more swords held in her magic. They weren't resonite, but that didn't reassure Tempest. That just meant they'd be enchanted with something spectacularly nasty.
Tempest snapped off a lighting bolt, but to her fury Luna instantly reverted to her starry cloud. She effortlessly flowed around the bolt and then actually split in two, one diving for Cadence while the other reformed, giving Tempest a mocking grin.
"Too bad you didn't have that trick last time" Tempest snarled. "Decided reality could use a few creative enhancements?"
Luna's face blackened, and her eyes hardened to reptilian slits. "Now I am not surprised. Now I am prepared for you. And now I have not seen my niece and sister petrified before my eyes." The venom in her voice was growing, her teeth lengthening to fangs. "I owe you much for that, you impudent wretch, and none of it unearned. I believe it is time you receive what you deserve. Murder Shroud!"
She spread her wings wide and dozens of pitch black ravens burst forth in a blinding cloud. Tempest leaped forward, casting a broad spray of lightning to cleave through the swarm. She's only calling her attacks to intimidate you, she though, and it's not going to work. She hurt Twilight! The conjured birds burned in the lighting, releasing a choking gas that burned her eyes, but she called on her anger and powered through. And there was Luna in front of her. Tempest lashed out with a kick, only for her melt like smoke once more. Luna flowed to roof of a building, reforming and letting out a mad cackle. Damn her!
Tempest stole a glance at the other fighting Twilight and Cadence. Luna and Cadence clashed, flashing swords against shields that Cadence conjured with stunning speed, both silent in grim concentration. Twilight darted around her, firing at Luna whenever she got a clear shot, but she was clearly reaching exhaustion. And their Luna hadn't even begun casting.
"You FOOLS!" Luna proclaimed from the rooftop, dark storm clouds forming around her at the beats of her wings. "You thought yourselves equal to us. You thought yourselves the next Sombra! But I am Queen of the Night! I am eternal! I am your Nightmare!"
"And here's what I do to nightmares!" A hoarse voice rang out, and a rainbow blur blazed through the gathering storm. It went off in a stunning blast of thunder, the anger of the alicorn grounded in a blast of lighting that knocked Luna to the street. And to Tempest's shock the other faded entirely, the blades clattering to the cobblestones. Just an illusion? And the real Luna was just staggering to her hooves when Applejack appeared like magic, landing a kick to her head that drove her back to the ground. And then she put her hoof solidly on Luna's horn. Tempest's eyes widened.
"Now Sugarcube, I recon you've got a bit of a headache and should lay still a spell. And if I see that horn even flicker, apologies to present company but ah will break it off."
Tempest staggered at the threat herself. Applejack had spoken with chilling sincerity. She felt sick.
"Booyah! How do you like that, Nightmare Nobody!" Dash looped in for a landing, grinning wildly, completely oblivious to Tempest's inner turmoil. "You mess with my friends, you mess with The Dash! Two for two, who the bomb? Two for two, who the bomb?" And she started dancing. The disconnect was just too much, Tempest could only stare in appalled fascination.
"Alright" Twilight panted. "Good work you two. Now that we've actually got her we can..." she was cut off by a crossbow bolt striking square in the chest. She stared at it with a confused expression for a moment, then collapsed silently to the ground. And forty royal guards galloped around the corners, cutting off both ends of the street.
"Twilight!" Dash and Tempest shouted together, galloping to her side. Oh damn oh damn thought Tempest. She's still breathing oh thank Harmony she's still breathing! "Don't you dare die on me from a damn sniper Twilight" Tempest muttered furiously. "Don't you dare. You are way too stubborn and lucky for that!"
Cadence conjured another shield just as more sniper's bolts snapped off it. Tempest couldn't even see them, it had to be pegassi from the angle. She couldn't think about that. She had to be detached, fall into combat medic mode. Not think about how it's Twilight's blood all over your hooves. She focused on keeping pressure on the wound, willing her Grip into Twilight's body to hold the wound closed. Arrows kill by bleeding, she reminded herself, and it missed her heart. Collapsed lung for sure but she'll live if we get her out of here now . Dash was right at the edge of the forcefield ready to charge, and Cadence's face was black with rage. But Tempest could see in the guards eyes they were determined and they wouldn't back down. The fear of the Princess would only hold them for a moment. Two pegassi descended, carrying heavy thunderheads, and she saw a unicorn in the rear who would doubtless be maintaining their own teleport ward.
We're going to lose. The thought went clearly through Tempest's mind. Cadence can maybe take fifteen. The rest of us can take another fifteen. And the last ten will bring us down, and Twilight is going to die.
A ratcheting click echoed across the tableau. Applejack had produced a crossbow from her bags, and was aiming it squarely at Luna's head. "Just so y'all are clear on the situation, this here is a Burly and Strongleg heavy crossbow. Now I might be a might rusty, but not so much ah can miss from this distance. And ah know healin don't cover the brains too well. So how bout ya'll just call this a draw and we'll be on our way? You tell 'em, Princess."
Luna shuddered. "It's alright commander" she rasped from the ground. "Let them go for now. I would rather we all lived to fight another day."
The commander's face looked like he was being forced to swallow glass, but he nodded. The unicorn guard's horn stopped glowing, though they made no move to lower their weapons. Smart, thought Tempest. "Princess" she said, "get us out of here." Cadence didn't seem to hear her. She was focused on the captain, her lovely face twisted in an ugly expression of pure hate. Oh dammit, thought Tempest, Princess of Love , no matter the type, and Twilight was family. "Cadence!" Tempest shouted, and she caught the full force of her glare as she turned. She didn't flinch. "Get us to the empire or Twilight is going to die!" That at least got through. She nodded, her horn flared, and all five of them vanished from Canterlot.
As soon as the teleport had flared out, there was a ripple in the air and most of the guards vanished like a mirage. The five remaining earth ponies dashed forward to help Luna to her feet, and the snipers swept out to secure the area.
Luna groaned and staggered to her hooves. "Thank you my friends." She gave a sardonic glance behind her as a dozen squads of actual soldiers galloped around the corner. "Your timing is impeccable."
The captain swooped back. "Area secure, your highness."
"Good. Lets not count on it staying that way." She nodded to him. "Captain Sure Sight, yes? Your squad is to be commended for your alacrity. It will not go unrecognized. However, I require further assistance." She walked to a store that had it's windows shattered, and kicked open the door. Despite himself Sure Sight gasped. Within was Luna's body, bloody and battered and scorched by magic, unconscious on the floor. "My body is comatose, and will require extensive healing. And I cannot maintain my dream avatar in the waking world for much longer." She looked directly into Sure Sight's eyes, and he gulped involuntarily. "Your squad have proven your courage and reliability. Prove to me now your absolute discretion. I entrust you to convey my body to the palace hospital in secrecy. And you must make haste. I am in mortal peril."
Sure Sight was speechless. He tried to speak but found his throat choked up. It was the Princess lying there like she was dead! But she wasn't, he reminded himself. Not if he did his duty. He simply nodded, saluted, and signaled his squad to the building. Fortunately Luna seemed to understand. He heard her leave the building, giving orders to the other squads that would send them far away, heard her flying away to presumably vanish out of sight. And he cleared his throat, and briefed his shocked team on how they would save Luna's life.
Author's Note
Roselight is a lovely idea from this story , Cadence is sincerely sorry for weaponizing it.
<>
Luna's voice echoed through Celestia's dream, rudely awakening her with the feeling of falling from a height. She groaned, but forced her eyes open. The room was dark, and Luna was silhouetted on the balcony looking over the city. She was in full armor, and wore a grim expression. "Luna, I've had less than an hour of sleep. Unless something is literally on fire, it can wait."
"Well, since that is in fact the case, perhaps you would deign to move your royal posterior ."
A resounding roar filled the room, and a distant flare of fire lit room green. Well, that's certainly an old fashioned way to wake up, thought Celestia, as sleep was banished in a rush of adrenaline. She sprang from the bed and began summoning her own armor. Called to arms by a dragon attack...how long has it been? Centuries, it must have been. Was it Ancallagon?
"What's happened?" Long practice let her don her armor without breaking stride, and her halbard appeared beside her with a flare.
“Your former student has moved faster than you anticipated.” Said Luna dryly, gesturing at the scene unfolding. Celestia gasped. Spike, warped by the throws of Greed Growth to what must have been at least one hundred cubits in height, was laying waste to the business district. The green glow of the enchanted fire cast the scene in eerie light. She quickly scanned the scene, her expression matching Luna’s. Simulacra or not, it was still a dire vision of an all-too-real possibility. At least the evacuation of the district seemed orderly away from the immediate crisis zone, but she still estimated more than a thousand would be trapped or dead in the buildings on Spike’s trail of destruction. And unlike a natural disaster, Dragonfire would burn stone. The enchanted flame would use almost anything as fuel, eagerly consuming available motes of power to sustain itself.
“Begin evacuating the school as well. It’s bound to be a high priority target. And order their disenchanters to join the fire crews combating the back blaze.”
Luna closed her eyes and her horn pulsed for a moment. “Done. Before alerting you I also woke everypony in Canterlot and delivered a warning.”
Celestia nodded. “I trust you remembered our discussion on tactful emergency announcements?”
“There is no ‘tactful’ way to announce a dragon attack, sister. But I expect the riots will die down in short order.”
Celestia shook her head. “Your gallows humor is still strong I see.” She flared her horn, to scan the region, and started at the power radiating from the business district. “Harmony, how did he get so strong? And why didn’t the guard catch him as he was growing?”
“One question answers the other. He began his rampage in the crater that was formerly the first national bank and treasury.”
Celestia blanched. “You mean…”
“That we are facing a dragon powered by a not insignificant fraction of the total wealth of the nation, yes. I estimate it will take more than twenty-six hours for the growth spurt to burn itself out. I can safely say the situation has escalated to Code Electrum.”
“You don’t say. Order all guard units in the city to fall back and assist the evacuation.
“Nay, retain the upper city guards and set them to patrol. Though deadly, this assault is but sound and fury. It accomplishes nothing, and reeks of treachery.”
“Luna, your language is slipping. But you’re right, there’s more to this. And where’s Captain Tornado? If we’re going to intervene somepony has to command the guard.”
Luna’s horn flared again. “Now is not the time, sister, and nostalgia moves me. Captain Tornado is alive but unconscious, struck down with lightning in his own chambers by an assassin. Truly, I knew not fair Fluttershy had the stomach for it.”
Celestia blinked. “Fluttershy almost assassinated the Captain of the Guard.”
“Indeed, and made good her escape. Swift Wing is next in command. He was delayed in crowd control, but should arrive at the command center in moments. At which time we should depart without delay. I yearn to join battle in Canterlot's defense, and this delay irks me.”
They paused for a moment, looking down on the burning city. Another roar echoed to the sky.
“This would not have happened, dear sister, if thou had abolished the gold and silver standards as I suggested.”
Cabinet Secretary Dotted Line was desperately in need of tea. He had been awakened from sleep by divine command, pulled himself from the filing cabinet where he had absentmindedly fallen asleep, and found himself tasked by Princess Luna herself to bring order in the face of a dragon attack of all things. Alas, as usual, he was doomed to disappointment. Right, it was time to deal with this mess. He gathered himself to his full height. This was not particularly impressive, especially since he resembled a shaggy and much abused mop even more than usual. But nonetheless the room quieted.
“Alright everypony, that’s enough. This is the civil service. We don’t stop for the end of the world. Tomorrow Equestria will still be here, and somepony needs to keep the lights on. And those ponies are us. Spinning Top,” he said, pointing to a gold furred, red maned unicorn, “I want press releases that simultaneously condemn the responsible party for their barbaric lack of respect for life, minimize the actual damage caused in the attack, celebrate the victims as selfless martyrs, and in no way blame Dragonlord Ember for the crimes of an obvious rogue actor. If there was even a dragon at all, and not an elaborate illusion combined with fiendfire bombs. And I want it last night.” Spinning actually saluted, Celestia bless her, and began frantically scribbling notes. “Sky Scribe” this time he pointed to a blue pegasus stallion with the indefinable aura of the forensic accountant. “Those selfless martyrs and minimally damaged buildings were holding the Equestrian economy together with gum, baling wire, and both literal and figurative dark magic. Find out just how bucked we are, and how exactly we intend to pay for a war when the Canterlot Stock Exchange is a smoldering ruin. And the same goes for the rest of you” he added, looking around to encompass the room. “None of you were picked for your looks, you’re here because you’re the only ones mad enough to run this country. Get to it.”
It was a good speech, Dotted thought to himself, as the frantic bustle of the room took on a more productive tone. It lasted for almost thirty seconds, before an earth pony mare in the white robes of the Diviner Corps burst through the doors. Her uniform was askew, her eyes rolling in fright behind her horn rimmed glasses.
“Doom comes for us all!” She cried, posing rampant and dramatically backlit at the doors.
Dotted leveled a seething glare at her. Which, unfortunately, she missed as her eyes rolled up in her head and she began trembling. “Yes, we already know about the dragon. But thank you for the warning. I’ll be sure to bear it in mind during our military budget meetings.”
“Not the dragon. HER. She’s filling all the futures. Clawing and squirming into them and I can’t see how .”
Dotted suppressed a shiver. Those rolled back eyes were giving him the creeps. “It’s alright, Miss…” he glanced at her badge “Village Temple is it? Just settle down and we’ll get you some tea...”
Village Temple seemed not to hear him, her shuddering only intensified. “She’s speaking to me. How is she speaking to me? Go away, get out of my head!” She shook her head desperately, and suddenly darted forward to stare straight into his eyes. “It’s too late. You can’t stop her. THE PINK ONE COMES!!!!!”
And at that, finally, Dotted understood. Probably far too late, but he still had to try. And Celestia help them all. “Alright everypony, new plan. We are evacuating. This is a Code Cupcakes situation. Code Cupcakes! Now grab all your classified materials and let’s MOVE.”
At that moment there was a distant boom, and a dozen guards burst in. “Cabinet Secretary, there’s been a security breach. We need to go.” Almost before he knew what happening he was being rushed out of the room in blur of armored bodies. The sounds of the in the corridors were getting increasingly frantic.
“She’s past the checkpoint!”
“In the Hall of Desperate Yellows! She’s… where’d she go?”
“Get the unicorns here, and tighten that damn perimeter until it holds!”
They dashed round the corner, Dotted little more than a passenger, and it was like stepping into a war zone. Frosting and crossbow bolts covered the walls. Even as they looked on in shock a guard staggered into their formation, reeling from a pie to the face, and somehow brought another three down in a tangle of limbs. As the remaining bodyguards unceremoniously hauled him like a sack down the corridor, he made the mistake of looking back at the madness. The pink mare seemed to be everywhere. One moment down the hall blinding with a spray of seltzer, the next shockingly closer jamming a cupcake down a guard’s throat, then gone again. Even as Dotted watched in horror she ducked away from the guards cornering her into a closet, only for the door to be blown open in a spray of entangling streamers and confetti. The last thing he saw as they cleared the corridor was a maliciously aimed banana peel sailing over his head that brought another guard crashing to the ground.
“Alright Mr Secretary, in here.” Dotted stared. It was a stationary storeroom.
“Our emergency shelter for Code Cupcakes is a bucking supply closet?” He burst out.
“We were cut off from the real one, but this is acceptable. There’s only one way in or out, We’ll hold the door.” Shining refrained from a sarcastic remark about their comrade’s success. Sometimes there really was only so much you could do. “Lock it, and don’t open it for anypony but Celestia or Luna themselves. No matter how much you want to. And whatever you do, if you hear any rhymes or rhythms, don’t follow them.” And with that they locked him in.
Dotted starred, listening to the momentarily muted sounds of the battle outside, and glanced around the closet. A half hearted attempt at barricading only occupied a few seconds. It wasn’t a big room. Well, if he was going to die, at least at least it was surrounded by paper. He caught sight of an abandoned filing cabinet. Yes, fitting enough. He crawled in, filing himself under L, Dotted, and waited. For a moment all was quiet. Then from the hall outside there was suddenly yelling and the twang of crossbows, There was a thunk, a splat, more yelling, and a sickening slam like a body being crashed into the door And then silence. For a moment, Dotted dared hope that the pink terror had passed him by.
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! It’s comfy in here.” A chipper voice said, from inside the drawer above him.
“GAAH!” Dotted jumped in shock. Unfortunately, within a filing cabinet, there is not much room to jump. It teetered and crashed to the floor, spilling him out in an unceremonious heap. When the pain was over and he opened his eyes, he saw Pinkie happily pronking around an enormous pile of paperwork in the center of the room. Most of which was, at least at first glance, highly sensitive. Then she stopped and stared directly at the air.
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!”
Dotted groaned. “Yes, you mentioned. I’d never have guessed.”
“Ignore him, he’s just a big silly....and I remembered me telling me, duh. Aw, but...hmph” She turned to look at Dotted. “Some ponies are just so rude you know?”
“You’re...not going to get away with this” he managed to say. It was hard mustering defiance from the floor. “Celestia will stop you.”
“No silly, all those guard ponies outside will stop me. They’ll have caught up by now. I can’t really hurt anypony when I do that you know. I can’t even set them up to be hurt.” She let out an enormous grin, far too wide but apparently completely genuine and lighting up her whole face. “That wouldn’t be funny.” Somehow, that innocent cheerful smile just made it all worse.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Weeeeell, I was just going to pull out this” she brandished a small bottle of magically preserved Dragonfire “and make a big bonfire of all the important paperwork and jump into it. But then I had a question and had to wait till you stopped groaning.”
Dotted just stared. There were so many things wrong with that statement, so he just settled for the most alarming. “You’re going to BURN THE PAPERWORK!?”
“Yeah! And then me. But first, what’s that on your chest?” He blinked and looked down. Well, at least she’s planning on showing an appropriate level of remorse, the small part of his brain that wasn’t gibbering chipped in. But as for her question…
“My chain of office?”
“No no no, the other thing! That little rainbow gem there.” She gasped aloud. “Are you a new type of pony? Do we need to have a new species party? I’ve seen a bunch of those in the halls down here. Though really you’re only a new species to me, not yourselves, and it might be rude. Maybe a Welcome to Equestria party? What do you think?”
Dotted actually nervously patted down his chest, but there was nothing of course. “There’s no gem. Pinkie…” He was cut off by the clatter of armored hooves outside the door. Which was, he noted resignedly, still locked and barricaded.
“Yeah...and that’s my cue. But that’s some really weird magic, Twilight will want to take a look at it. I think I”m going to take you when I leave. Sorry.”
“Leave? Pinkie, you’re trapped and surrounded in here. And you said yourself even you can’t get them all.”
“Which is why I’ve got the sending fire. I figure if it can send papers as long as they’re totally burned up, it can do ponies too!”
Dotted blanched. “I’ve never heard of that before. Have you ever tried it?”
“Nope!” And with that she smashed the bottle over the paperwork pile, where it immediately built to a roaring conflagration. “But I just know it will work! Me burning myself to death wouldn’t make anypony laugh! Now get over here.”
Sweet Celestia, she really is insane, he thought. The realization flew through Dotted's head almost casually. She’s burned the paperwork and now she’s going to burn me. And all because it would be ‘funny’. He stared at the madmare in front of him with her demon’s grin, backlit with green Dragonfire and the ghosts of classified documents flying from it like souls of the damned, and Dotted knew the true face of evil. And, as she began to reach for him, he had what he would later describe as a moment of divine clarity. He reached behind him and, with a lifelong bureaucrat's unfailing instincts for notary, seized the one weapon that could possibly aid him against his implacable foe. A youth as the reigning champion of the chemistry department’s office supply wars guided his hand as he drew it back and released. It would not be an exaggeration to say that his whole life had prepared him for that moment. The rubber band struck Pinkie square in the nose, sending her reeling back into the flames. They rose in crackling delight, consuming her in an instant with a hideous smell of burnt hair and sugar. There was a rush of wind, the papers scattering through the room. The fire’s magic expended itself in the effort, reverting to orange from their poisonous green. Pinkie’s last words were a delighted “That tickles!” and a sparkling, choking cloud of pink smoke filled the room before rushing away. And then all was silence.
Dotted looked upon the ruins of the room. More than half of the documents had survived, and most of the remaining fires had been extinguished by the whirlwind. No fires seemed in danger of spreading, in any case. He absentmindedly stomped out a still burning report on the military disposition of Griffonstan that drifted by his hoof. And then the silence was broken as the guards bucked open the door with a crash, scattering his flimsy barricade.The guards, all still bearing the streamers and glitter of their introduction to the Magic of Slapstick, looked at him with something like awe.
“Sergeant” said Dotted, still floating in the moment of strange and incomprehensible serenity. It was almost, but not quite, like tea. “Pinkie is gone, and I’m unharmed. I need somepony with Eyes Only clearance to sort these documents, and then conduct an audit to determine what else is missing. Prioritize any militarily sensitive documents relevant to the Crystal Empire. And have the castle kitchens prepare a large batch of pies, to be distributed to all guard stations.”
“Pies, sir?” said the Sergeant, wincing at the word. Dotted noted that what he had taken for painting coloration on her rust colored body was actually whipped cream.
“Pies. She may be back, and she who lives by slapstick dies by slapstick. Give strict orders that they are only to be eaten when they receive their fresh ammunition tomorrow.” Most of the group saluted and galloped off, leaving just the Sergeant.
“Anything else you need sir?” She said, looking concerned.
“Any number of things, Sergeant, but I’m afraid I’m unlikely to get most of them. But just this second, what I need most is somepony to catch me.” And with that he passed out. It seemed the thing to do at the time.
Author's Note
Pinkie Pie in the palace is...well...
One part this,
One part this,
add a dash of pink glitter, bake into a pie and serve at high velocity without warning.
Cabinet Secretary Dotted Line, and the rest of the Civil Service, originates with the incomparable GhostOfHeracletus
