Morty, This Show is Dumb, You're a Fag
Author's Note
Hey so this slightly different story was shelved for abit, but when I went back to read it, I found it so funny that I just had to finish writing the first chapter. This is for all you Rick & Morty fans out there
Morty, This Show is Dumb, You're a Fag
"My little pony, my little pony..." Rick heard faintly as he approached the living room.
As he entered, he saw that Morty, his yellow-shirted grandson was sitting in front of their television watching the infamous girls' show. Not only that, his son-in-law, Jerry, was there too.
"Morty, what the *cough* fuck are you watching?" Rick asked, curious as to why they'd watch such an infantile program.
"Hey Rick, we're just watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" Morty explained.
"Friendship is. . ." Rick trailed of, dumbfounded by the idea, "What are you, queer?"
"It's actually a pretty good show, Rick." Jerry said, "There's unicorns and explosions!"
"Well of course you would think that, Jerry. Wait. . . did you say unicorns?" Rick secretly loves unicorns.
"Mmhm, and explosions!" Morty explained. Rick couldn't resist. They made the show sound so compelling, but it just seemed so gay. In the end, however, his resistance proved futile.
"Okay fine, make some room, I'ma see what all the fuss is *cough* about." Rick sank into the couch cussion as the three began an all-day binge. All the while Rick was intensely analyzing the show, from how magic worked, to how Rainbow Dash performed her sonic rainboom. All of these things were obvious to him. When they finally finished, mayhem started.
"So what did you think, Rick?" Morty asked yawning.
"Well..." Rick started pulling over a whiteboard, "I can scientifically prove that Equestria is a BIG *cough* shitstorm of nonsense!" Rick finished as he started writing equations on the board.
"What?" Morty was confused. "Rick, it's a cartoon! Nothing's gonna be scientifically perfect!"
"Morty, trust me on this, the radius of alicorn magic as we've seen is NOT powerful enough to reach their star! Celestia is *cough* lying to you! She's never raised the sun, not once! The only question is. . . why?"
"Rick, you're over-analyzing things, of course Celestia raises the sun!"
"Morty, you're stupid, and your show's stupid!"
"Whatever Rick, I can't deal with you right now."
"Morty, I can prove it, I can take you there!" Rick pulls out his portal-gun, glowing with his special green portal-fluid.
"What?!" Morty was estatic, a smile quickly forming on his face.
"Of course I can, Morty," Rick said, humoring him, "I've already explained, there are infinite realities. In one of them, Earth-life evolved differently so that sapien lifeforms no longer exist and instead you got sentient equestrian lifeforms."
"Okay, let's go!" Morty reached for the portal gun.
"Woah, not so fast Morty," Rick warned, "If we show up like *cough* this, they'll kill us on the spot!"
"Rick, Twilight and the other ponies believe in the magic of friendship! They wouldn't kill us!" Morty was taken aback by such a notion.
"Yes they would Morty!" Rick exclaimed, grabbing Morty by the shoulders, shaking him. "Don't you see??? The magic of friendship is a lie! The elements were charged with uranium! They don't need friendship to work, they just need to be in the same place with someone to use them!"
"Okay, whatever Rick, how're you gonna turn us into ponies then?"
"Wow, you caught on quick for once," Rick joked. "But seriously? I turned myself into a pickle, I'm pretty sure a pony isn't a stretch. Follow me *cough* Morty! Follow me into the garage, Morty!" He said, leading Morty.
"Wait! Can I come to Equestria!" Jerry pleaded, practically bent over the couch.
"No, you piece of shit!" Rick denied.
"Oh. . . that's. . . okay . . . *sniffle* Earth's fine." Jerry moaped, sinking back down into the couch cushions.
In the garage, Rick went over to his workstation, and immediately started to mix different vials of mysterious liquid together.
"Hey Morty, grab me the *cough* vial of feline chromosome, it's the blue one. It says 'Feline Chromosome', Morty, it's the blue shit. The good blue shit is the shit you want!"
"Calm down, Rick!" Morty paused for a minute. "Wait, why do you need cat DNA?"
"Duh Morty, have you seen the way their legs bend, the way they move?" Rick explained as if the answer was obvious, "Their skeletal structure is more closely related to that of a cat if anything!"
"Okay. . ." Morty gave in, handing Rick the vial.
"Trust me Morty. I have the vials right here! I just finished the shit!" Rick said holding up two vials in one hand, one with a blue colour and the other, yellow. Morty also noticed Rick was holding a second set of vials, both red.
"Uh, Rick, what're those for?" Morty asked nervously, indicating the red vials.
"Relax Morty!" Rick said reassuringly. "They're for when we need to turn back. I'm taking them with us so Jerry doesn't do anything stupid."
"Okay. . ." Morty wasn't sure if he trusted Rick. He was never sure when he should trust Rick. He isn't necessarily a trustworthy guy.
"Okay, so get ready for pain!" Rick screamed as he jabbed the yellow-liquid-filled needle directly into Morty's jugulars.
"OW!!!!" Morty screams in pain. Suddenly he starts to change. However, this did not come without pain. "OW!!!!!! Oh why, why Rick? Oh God, this hurts! THIS HURTS!!!" Morty screamed as his arms bent to become hooves, and a tail sprouted forth from his spine. His skull was reshapen entirely, causing a great deal of pain. When the pain had ceased, Morty looked downn at himself. Rick actually did it he thought He was a pony!
He looked over to Rick, who had apparently already injected himself with the syringe. He was glorious. A skin-coloured Earth-Pony with an honest-to-goodness pony-labcoat around him. His blue, spiky hair hadn't changed, but his tail was similar in style and color to his mane. His cutie-mark was a vial filled with a green liquid. Morty assumed that this suggested that Rick's special talent was science, which would make sense.
"Wanna see what you look like?" Rick asked, "I'm quite proud of it." Morty nodded in confirmation as Rick pushed over a mirror with noticable difficultly.
"Do you need help, Rick?"
"NO!" Rick snapped, "I've got it!"
"I have to ask," Morty began, "why didn't choose to be an alicorn or a unicorn? They seem to have things the easiest, what with magic and all.
Still pushing, Rick answered simply, "I don't do magic, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eyeliner."
When Rick finally got the mirror over, Morty was amazed at the person (or rather, pony) who stared back at him. He was a plae yellow Earth-pony with the same hair and a tail of a similar style. The main thing that interested him, however, was his cutie-mark, or rather, the blank flank where his cutie-mark should've been.
"Rick? Where's my cutie mark?" Morty was scared to hear the answer.
"Duh, you aren't good at anything. You're a Blank-Flank." Rick stated nonchalantly, as he fired his portal gun with difficulty. "But hey, maybe the Crusaders could help you with that. They helped other idiots with their stupid butt-tats"
And with that snide remark, the telltale duo stepped through the swirling portal, into Equestria. . .
