With Jelly Beans and a Nice Cream Soda
”Whenever feasible, one should always try to eat the unfriendly.”
— Dr. Merciful Lecture, Psychologist and Serial Killer
“Oh! These cupcakes are really good!” gasped Fluttershy. “What’s the secret ingredient? Is it… um…” She smiled secretively and leaned across the table. “Is it bacon?”
Pinkie blinked. “You know what bacon tastes like?”
Fluttershy frowned slightly. “I work with obligate carnivores all day. I know more about meat than the average pony.”
Pinkie Pie narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. “Oooohhhh.”
Fluttershy frowned more. “Pinkie, were you trying to trick me?”
Pinkie rubbed her hooves together nervously. “Maybe a liiiitttlle.”
Fluttershy nodded. She knew it was always a risky proposition when Pinkie invited you to try a ‘special’ batch of cupcakes. There was often a surprise in them. Fluttershy hated surprises. But. She also loved bacon. She instantly forgave Pinkie. “It’s all right. I know it’s a teeeensy bit naughty, but I’ve been known to indulge from time to time.”
“Actually, there’s another tiny little surprise,” said Pinkie.
Fluttershy sighed, her heart sinking. “It’s pony-bacon, isn’t it?”
Pinkie nodded, her mane straightening with guilt.
“Well that would explain why it’s so sweet,” said Fluttershy, poking at her cupcake with one hoof. “May I, um, ask who it was?”
Pinkie drew in a long breath. “Well, a little over a week ago, I was at Berry’s for the Ponytones show, and I was talking to Red Pill, and wouldn’t you know he slipped something in my drink? Well. You do not try to roofie the party queen, so I switched ciders with him! And at first I thought I’d just draw a penis on his nose or something, but then I got to thinking, and I thought ‘well, if I let him go, he’ll just try to do this to some other poor mare who isn’t prepared for it.’ So the Cakes are out of town for a couple of weeks, and I was just reading about how to make my own bacon, and I wondered if pony belly would taste as good as good as pork belly? I mean we are marbled with fat, generally. So I helped him back to Sugarcube, and I drowned him in the bathtub, and then I got a really sharp knife and…”
Fluttershy held up her hoof. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t need to know all the details.”
“Anyway,” said Pinkie. “Nopony’s come asking for him, so I guess he hasn’t been missed?”
“Well, it was Red Pill.” Fluttershy stared at the cupcakes. They had been so good before she’d known what they were. The rich dark chocolate and salted caramel complemented the bacon so well!
The door of Sugar Cube corner opened. Mrs. Rich came in.
“Soooo are we, you know, okay?” said Pinkie.
“We need to talk about it, but I still love you,” said Fluttershy. Why wasn’t she more upset about this? She couldn’t help feeling that the world was a better place without ponies like Red Pill in it. “Go help Mrs. Rich.”
Fluttershy turned her attention to her half-eaten cupcake. This was pretty evil stuff, here. She always wondered what it was like to turn evil. Was this how it worked? Just finding something that was wrong that you wanted so badly that you were willing to do it anyway?
“Honestly, this is the worst customer service experience I have ever had!” snapped Mrs. Rich. “I demand to speak to your manager!”
“Um, I’m the only pony working here today,” said Pinkie.
Moving slowly, so as not to attract attention, Fluttershy lifted the cupcake to her mouth. Her teeth sank into the rich cake and salted caramel frosting. She chewed slowly, savoring the firm but yielding texture of the bacon bits. Just the slightest bit chewy! It was a wonderful texture. And so salty-sweet. Mmmm. She needed more of this in her life.
Mrs. Rich was shouting. Fluttershy’s eyes snapped open.
“I distinctly ordered decaf. Does this taste like decaf to you?” yelled Spoiled Rich, waving her coffee cup at Pinkie.
“Decaf doesn’t taste that different, but if you want I can…”
“Don’t talk back to me, young filly! You think you can just lounge around, talking with your friends, while paying customers wait and wait? Why, you lazy, incompetent, no good little…”
Pinkie was leaning away from Spoiled Rich’s torrent of abuse, tears welling up in her eyes. Her hair, which had begun to curl up again after Pinkie had forgiven her, was straight as a parson again. Fluttershy’s heart began to beat faster. What right did Mrs. Rich have to talk to her friend that way? She wished she’d just die.
Which was an interesting thought? Maybe she should explore that thought.
Fluttershy got down from the table. Moving silently — Fluttershy was very good at being quiet — she closed the bakery’s blinds and shut and locked the door. She took her time — Spoiled Rich wasn’t going to be done yelling any time soon. When the bakery was sealed up, she rose up on her hind legs behind Spoiled Rich.
Fluttershy was a tall pony and Mrs. Rich was not, so it was easy for her to wrap both wings around her face.
A pegasus’ wings are naturally strong, and Fluttershy had worked hard to make hers even stronger. A lazy pony like Spoiled Rich didn’t stand a chance. The hard, arm-like part of one wing pressed down on her throat; the feathers of the other covered her mouth. Mrs. Rich struggled, of course, but she couldn’t escape.
“Don’t be afraid,” said Fluttershy, stroking Mrs. Rich’s mane gently. “Don’t fight it. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Everycreature dies. Everycreature dies. Just let it go. Yes. There. Like that.”
Spoiled Rich’s struggles weakened over the course of a couple of minutes. At last Fluttershy let her slide to the floor to lie in a puddle of her own spilled decaf. Her empty eyes stared at the ceiling.
“You… you killed her!” gasped Pinkie.
“She… um, deserved it?” said Fluttershy, dropping down to all fours. “She was ‘mean to my friend, so I caused her end.’ Is that okay with you?”
“I guess? But what are we going to do with the body,” said Pinkie, wringing her hooves. “The Cakes will be back any day now, and I won’t have time to cure her properly! She’ll go to waste!”
Fluttershy nodded thoughtfully. “We’ll have to use my shed.”
†††
Fluttershy lit a lantern, shook out the match, and tossed it in a bucket of sand. The interior of her shed was cozy, full of cooking and butchering equipment with just enough room for two ponies to move around.
“This is where I prepare meat if there are carnivores staying at the shelter. The commercial feed has a lot of corn or wheat in it; it’s not good for them. Cats, mustelids, hawks and eagles, seals and dolphins, they all need good meat. Even the dogs and bears do better with a lot of protein in their diet.”
“You’ve got a really nice setup here.” Pinkie unhitched herself from the cart that hid Spoiled Rich’s body and the remaining bits of Red Pill and went over to the rack of knives. “This doesn’t seem like you. It’s not very kind, you know?”
“Everypony has different sides, Pinkie. I’m kind, but I also admire nature. Nature isn’t kind or cruel. It just does what it needs to do.” She took the hay bales off the top of the cart and removed the tarp covering the bodies. “This is going to be unpleasant, though,” she said, frowning at Spoiled Rich’s slack face.
Pinkie pronked over to the range and flicked on the burners. “So I wanna make more bacon. I brought my curing salt. But what are we going to do with the rest of the meat?”
Fluttershy wriggled Spoiled Rich’s corpse out of the cart and heaved it onto the prep table with a grunt of effort. “Well, we can feed some of the less appetizing bits to my animals. They’ll love it. And I have an idea for how to get rid of the bones.”
“Really? What’s that?” said Pinkie, waving a hoof over the burner flames.
“Take them to the Everfree and toss some leaves over them. The puckwudgies will probably find them first. Then the cockatrice, then the timber wolves. Then maybe a manticore or an ursa. By the time the search parties find them, it’s going to look like they got lost in the woods and devoured by monsters. And the Everfree is a protected nature reserve, so there won’t be any reprisals against the poor darlings!”
Pinkie clapped excitedly. “Hey, let’s leave them together! It’ll look like a lover’s tryst gone horribly wrong!” She turned off the burners and looked around. “Oh, you have a sausage grinder!”
“Raptors like little bits of meat.”
Pinkie hopped on top of the grinder, stroking it like a lover. She turned the crank with a hind hoof, listing to the gears clank. “We could make hot dogs!”
Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. “Hot dogs? What pony’s going to eat hot dogs?”
Pinkie cackled and clapped her forehooves together. “Not ponies. International students!”
†††
“Remember, sweetie. We always need to respect the wilderness. Just because nature looks sweet and harmless doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous,” said Fluttershy, cradling Diamond Tiara against her chest. She’d been asked to comfort the young ponies at Spoiled Rich’s wake, but they didn’t seem to need a lot of comforting. The wake was well attended, but Fluttershy suspected that was because of the open bar and the lavish buffet. Everypony was having a good time.
Even Filthy Rich didn’t seem too upset. He wore a strange expression, almost as if he was struggling to repress a grin, and he kept consulting a small black book whenever he thought no pony was watching. It might be a pocket testament of the scriptures, but Fluttershy doubted it.
Diamond Tiara’s grief, on the other hoof, seemed a touch theatrical.
“Oh, I don’t know what I’m going to do!” she sobbed into Fluttershy’s chest, her veil damp with tears. “It’s going to be so hard having Daddy all to myself. I mean, with it just being Daddy and me!”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” said Fluttershy, stroking Diamond Tiara’s mane. “I have to go to the school now. Will you be okay?”
“I think my grieving process would really be helped by several bowls of chocolate ice cream from the dessert cart,” suggested Diamond Tiara.
“I think that’s a great idea. Go have fun with your friends.”
Fluttershy’s class didn’t start until one o’clock, but she’d promised to help Pinkie with the lunch rush at the hot dog stand. It had been a big hit with the international students yesterday, so they were expecting a big crowd. She flapped across the center of town at low altitude until she arrived at Friendship University. She stopped to tuck her mane and tail into hairnets, then trotted over the rest of the way to the hot dog stand.
“What can I get you, Yona?” she said, popping up next to Pinkie and picking up a pair of tongs.
“Hi, Professor Shy! Like yak monk say: ‘Make me one with everything.’”
“I didn’t know yaks ate meat,” said Fluttershy, setting the crisp-skinned sausage in one of Pinkie’s home-baked rolls and covering it with onions, relish, ketchup, mustard, and cheese sauce.
“Yaks love meat! Meat make yak strong!” said Yona, wagging her tail as she took the massive pile of food in both forehooves.
“Yeah, it makes you smell strong,” said Gallus, talking with his mouth full.
Yona grinned and waggled her butt at Gallus. “Yak musk most beautiful aroma in nature!”
“How can you guys eat that stuff?” said Sandbar, who was sitting at a picnic table nearby looking disgusted.
“By the cartload,” said Silverstream, swooping in behind Gallus with her coin purse out. “I’m back with more mon-ey!”
“And I’m still here with more hot dogs!” burbled Pinkie.
Fluttershy started to get another hot dog ready for Silverstream. She would have liked one herself. They were super good; juicy and rich and salty, and it was easy to forget that they used to be part of a couple of nasty ponies. But it wouldn’t do to be seen sampling the wares.
“Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie? What are you doing?” said Twilight Sparkle, popping into existence next to the stand.
“We’re, um, selling hot dogs,” said Fluttershy. “Obviously? Not to be mean or anything. But it’s kind of a silly question.”
“It was meant to be rhetorical,” said Twilight.
“Oh,” said Fluttershy. “I guess I should have known that.”
“It’s perfectly legal,” said Pinkie Pie. “We even have all out permits!” She pointed to the row of tax and health code certificates lined up on the side of the cart.
“Its legal, but it's not especially friendly. Fluttershy, I’m surprised that you’d be involved in something like this!” said Twilight.
Fluttershy ducked her head. “Animals eat other animals. It’s how nature works.”
“Where did you even get all this meat?” said Twilight.
“That wolf pack Fluttershy was taking care of was reintroduced to the wild. So she had a lot of extra meat,” said Pinkie.
Fluttershy nodded. Every word of that was true, even if it wasn’t actually the answer to Twilight’s question.
“Well, I don’t want this stand on school grounds,” said Twilight. “We’re under enough scrutiny as it is.”
“Okely dokely!” said Pinkie Pie, and rolled the cart twenty meters away to the nearest hilltop, well off the school’s property. Twilight, apparently satisfied with this strictly technical adherence to her instructions, teleported back to her office.
“We’re running low on hot dogs already,” said Fluttershy as they waited for the line of international students to catch up with them. “I think we have enough for today. But what should we do?”
“Weellll,” said Pinkie, “we either put this incident behind us and go back to our normal lives. Or we find somepony else who needs killing. We’ve each killed one pony, so I guess the question is, do we want to be murderers, or are we aspiring serial killers?”
“Is that a thing you can aspire to?” asked Fluttershy.
“I don’t see why not! Oh! You know who needs to die? Teddy Bear!”
“You mean that creepy mare who’s always hanging around Cheerilee’s school staring at the foals?”
“Yep. Her,” said Pinkie, grinning.
Fluttershy’s whole being vibrated with long-repressed rage. She wanted this one espeically badly. “Okay. I’m in. Let's do this.”
†††
Teddy Bear was beside herself. She’d always thought Pinkie distrusted her, judging by the suspicious-seeming glare she always gave her. But now Pinkie had invited her to help take care of Pound and Pumpkin! It was a tremendous opportunity. She’d wanted to get into those diapers pretty much since day one. Now if she could only negotiate some time alone with the twins, she’d be in heaven.
Or maybe Pinkie was a fellow traveler. It only made sense. She was very childlike.
Teddy Bear was very out of shape, so the long walk to Fluttershy’s cottage left her winded. Why were they taking care of the twins over at Fluttershy’s? Maybe they were letting them play with the animals.
It was dark by the time she heaved herself across the bridge and struggled up the low hill to the cottage. The windows were dark. Teddy Bear bit her lower lip. Had she misunderstood? She knocked on the door. “Um, hello?”
Thunder crashed. Rain began to fall. Teddy Bear began to feel sorry for herself.
“Oh, hello, Teddy Bear,” said Fluttershy’s voice. She jumped and turned to see Fluttershy’s form silhouetted at the corner of the house.
“You scared the heck out of me!” said Teddy Bear, clutching her chest.
A crackle of lightning illuminated the edge of Fluttershy’s body. “We’re playing in my shed. You should come. We’re teaching the foals a special game.”
Teddy Bear’s heart wouldn’t slow down. Fluttershy too? This couldn’t be real. It must be some kind of trick. But when she went around the back of Fluttershy’s cottage, she could see the twins standing inside the shed, backlit in dim lantern light. Thunder crackled again, and the rain started to pound in earnest. She and Fluttershy started to run for the shed. Fluttershy leaped inside, wings flapping once. Teddy Bear found herself running up a short incline. She was barely able to stop herself when something sharp and thin pressed into her windpipe.
“What… what’s going on?”
The twins weren’t the twins. They were two very large brown rabbits, wearing mop rag manes, a carrot horn, and cardboard wings. As Teddy Bear’s hooves tugged helplessly at the piano wire noose around her neck, the two cast aside their disguises and scurried to close the barn doors. A third, smaller white bunny kicked away the ramp leading to the crate she was standing on.
“We're so glad you came to play with us,” said Pinkie Pie. She was sitting on a kitchen prep table, mane straight, flipping through a folder full of photographs. Teddy Bear gulped. She recognized those photographs. She’d taken most of them. She was in some.
“Oh my Harmony I’m so sorry,” said Teddy Bear.
“Are you really, though?” said Fluttershy from behind her. “Or are you just afraid?”
“I’m sorry. And afraid.” It was an easy question. The crate she was standing on was very flimsy and felt like it might give way at any moment. The piano wire was tight around her neck, digging in, threatening to cut and choke and do all kinds of awful things.
“Adult ponies think that because little foals are helpless, they can do whatever they want to them,” said Fluttershy. “Hooves all over vulnerable bodies. Big voices telling them how much trouble they’d be in if anypony found out. Of course, it’s the adult that would be in trouble. But the foals don’t know that.”
“Please. I can’t go to jail,” said Teddy Bear. “I’ll reform. You reform villains all the time, right? I can reform. Just don’t call the police.”
Pinkie Pie grinned. “Oh, don’t worry. We’re not going to call the police.” She lit a burner on a range and held the folder of photographs in it. The corner curled up and started to burn.
“Oh, thank Harmony. Can you let me down now?”
“You could get older ponies to pretend to be younger ponies for you, you know,” said Fluttershy. “There are all kinds of games adults can play together. Of course, some of those are illegal too.”
“What are you talking about? I’ll do it. I’ll do that moving forward. Just let me down,” begged Teddy Bear.
“You heard her, Angel,” said Fluttershy. “Tell your cousins to move the crate away.”
Teddy Bear gasped. “The crate? No, don’t! Don’t, I’ll…” But then the big brown bunnies tugged it out from under her, leaving her kicking in mid-air. The piano wire was strong. Strong and sharp. She felt it sliding through her throat, and then she was falling, tumbling end over end, bouncing on the floor. She couldn’t feel her body.
“I heard it can take, like, two minutes for the brain to die after the head is severed,” said Pinkie Pie.
“Oh, probably not that long,” said Fluttershy, picking up Teddy Bear and setting her in her lap. Teddy Bear was very small, suddenly. Where was the rest of her body? “No reason not to make her comfortable until we’re sure she’s gone, though.”
She couldn’t turn her neck. She rolled her eyes, trying to see where her body was.
“Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to lay your sleepy head,” sang Fluttershy, stroking her mane. “Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed.”
Pinkie heaved Teddy Bear’s body up onto a prep table in the middle of the shed. Teddy Bear felt a second of vertigo, almost understanding what was going on. Why was her body all the way over there? She couldn’t quite piece it together. Everything was getting dark.
“Drifting off to sleep, exciting life behind you. Drifting off to sleep, let Luna’s justice find you…”
And Teddy Bear went to sleep.
†††
Teddy Bear was a hefty pony, and her body took Fluttershy and Pinkie through Thursday hot dog stand days at the school for over a month. After that they decided it was time to take a break — the sudden spate of ponies wandering into the Everfree and being devoured by monsters was starting to look a little suspicious.
Fluttershy didn’t mind the hiatus. Murdering ponies was very stressful. In the meantime, she found she had a new appreciation for her predators. For their strength, their bravery, even their kindness. In the wild, predators most often ate sick or aging individuals, ending their suffering and strengthening the prey species. They were an important part of nature.
So was she.
It was a quiet week at school. The Cutie Map had called Twilight, Starlight, and Spike off to Griffonstone. Rarity was in Manehattan, and Rainbow was on maneuvers with the Wonderbolts. Applejack had come down with a mild case of the cutie pox and was resting at Sweet Apple Acres painting oil paintings and doing gymnastics until it got better. Twilight had begun filling out the staff in most departments, so things were going smoothly even without most of the department heads present.
Then, late one afternoon, as Fluttershy was locking up her classroom, Ocellus raced up to her in pony form, jumped behind her, and turned into a planter.
“Um. Are you okay?” said Fluttershy, turning to the sickly-looking rhododendron bush.
“Don’t look at me while you talk,” hissed Ocellus.
“Oh. Okay.” She turned around and said, “I’m absolutely not talking to Ocellus right now. Because she’s not around. But if she were, I’d want to know if everything was okay with her?” Passing students looked at Fluttershy funny.
“Professor Bear Claw is a changeling!” whispered the rhododendron bush.
“I’m pretty sure she’s not. I’m pretty sure she’s a pony.”
“I went to see her for office hours,” said the rhododendron, “and the student before me came out looking glassy-eyed. I think she was feeding on him!”
Fluttershy hesitated. “Um… Ocellus… there are other reasons his eyes might have been glassy…”
“Are you serious? No! I’m a college student, Professor Shy! And I used to feed in the old way! I know the difference!”
Fluttershy’s heart turned to ice in her chest. Thousands of predatory changelings were still out there. Professor Bear Claw might be one of Chrysalis’ agents. She might be Chrysalis herself!
She left Ocellus vegetating in the hallway and hurried to Pinkie Pie’s office. Professor Bear Claw hadn’t been a changeling when they’d hired her. Twilight and Glimmy checked. That made it likely whoever this was had waited until most but not all of the Element Bearers were out of town to strike. Anything could happen, and she might not have much time.
“Pinkie!” said Fluttershy, pushing through the balloons blocking the entrance to her office. “Pinkie, there’s a spy!”
Pinkie was leaning back in her rolly office chair, hooves behind her head, spinning around. When she started to lose momentum, she’d kick against her desk, making her spin really fast for a cycle or two. Then she’d just coast on inertia for a while. “I know,” she said. “I already took care of it.”
Fluttershy froze. “You took care of the spy all by yourself. During school hours.”
Pinkie nodded. “It was Queen Chrysalis. Wanna see?”
Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. This was highly suspicious. “Yes. Yes, I do. Please show me where you…” Suddenly a simple test occurred to her. “…have her tied up? You took her alive, right?”
Pinkie hopped out of the chair and over the desk. “Of course, silly. I’d never kill anypony. We’re good ponies! Good ponies don’t kill!” Then she pronked out the door.
Oh no.
Fake Pinkie led Fluttershy through mostly empty hallways. It was a lovely spring afternoon, and pretty much all the students were already out enjoying one of the best small towns in the land. A town Pinkie and Fluttershy had gone above and beyond to make a safer place for everycreature. The kitchens were in the basement, locked up and closed. Fake Pinkie pulled out her keychain, let Fluttershy in, then locked the door behind them.
“Go on,” said Fluttershy, who had made sure never to turn her back on Fake Pinkie.
“You first,” said Fake Pinkie, grinning a little too widely.
“You know where she is,” said Fluttershy.
Fake Pinkie rolled her eyes and blew her mane aside. “Fine. She’s in the walk-in.”
As Fake Pinkie pronked towards the back of the kitchen, Fluttershy prepared herself. She was quiet about it. Fluttershy was very good at being quiet. She lifted a cleaver off a cutting board with one wing and scooped up a phial of anti-roach potion from under a sink with the other.
Those poor roaches. They were just trying to do their job as scavengers. But this would work on larger insects if applied properly.
When they reached the walk-in freezer, Fake Pinkie grabbed Fluttershy by the mane and tossed her inside. Fluttershy grunted in polite pain as she slammed into a stack of tubs of ice cream. The cleaver and the phial tumbled out from under her wings and clattered onto the floor, just out of reach.
“Clever pony,” hissed a voice that didn’t sound much like Pinkie’s. “And brave. But too brave, and not quite clever enough.
Chrysalis assumed her true form. She loomed over Fluttershy, mandibles grinning with glee. Behind her, the (probably) real Pinkie Pie hung from the ceiling, her hooves tied to a hook.
“Is she… is she alive?” said Fluttershy, trembling in fear. Her tummy felt like it was down at the bottom of her hooves.
“For now,” said Chrysalis. “I drugged her, so I’d have time to go get you before you raised an alarm.”
Fluttershy tried to avoid her gaze, but Chrysalis pushed her chin up with her claw-edged hooves. “Don’t be afraid, child. This will hurt quite a bit, but you won’t miss your love when it’s gone.”
Chrysalis’ eyes bore into hers. Fluttershy felt her will weaken as images of all the things she loved entered her mind and were one by one stripped of their significance. Her passion for her animals. Her love of quiet times. Her compassion for her students. Her unrequited desire for you-know-who. All gone. Gone. Tears trickled down her cheeks, but she already honestly didn’t understand why.
She was hallucinating now. Pinkie Pie spat out some sort of brightly colored liquid, twisted her fetlocks, and slid silently out of the ropes. A pathetic fantasy of escape. Fluttershy knew she was doomed.
Pretend Pinkie held a hoof to her mouth in a ‘be quiet’ gesture, then took the cleaver in her mouth and leaped into the air, spinning like a trained seal. Chrysalis’s horn was no match for fine Crystal steel and earth pony strength. It flew across the room in a rain of green sparks. Chrysalis wailed, clutching at her forehead.
Real Pinkie after all. You definitely didn’t try to roofie the party queen, apparently.
Fluttershy was free of Chrysalis’ mesmerism. She dove for the roach potion and slipped on the slick stainless steel floor, but she was able to scoop it up as she hit the ground and rolled with it clutched against her chest like a baby bird.
Not that she cared about baby birds anymore.
Chrysalis kicked Pinkie in the chest, knocking the wind out of her. She leaped towards Fluttershy, razor-sharp mandibles open wide. Fluttershy rolled away, mashed the atomizer on top of the roach potion with her free hoof, and aimed the foamy spray at Chrysalis’ side.
Chrysalis blinked at her in confusion. Then realization dawned. “You bitch!” she snarled, and climbed on top of Fluttershy, pressing her back into a shelf full of frozen vegetables. Mandibles flicked out side-to-side from their jaw-like social camouflage configuration and clamped down on Fluttershy’s throat. Chrysalis wasn’t interested in feelings anymore. She was out for blood.
Pinkie was behind them, looking dazed. She had the potion. She sprayed it at Chrysalis’ head. Useless. The sharp, spicy smell of the potion filled Fluttershy’s nose, searing her sinuses.
“No!” croaked Fluttershy. “Her side! Her other side!”
Pinkie looked confused but followed instructions. The liquid splashed against Chrysalis’ side, then foamed up, spreading, and stiffening as it spread.
Chrysalis’ eyes grew wide. She was already beginning to weaken. Fluttershy pushed her mandibles apart and rolled her over. Her thorax was heaving, but her voice was still clear.
“No. No! Why? I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! I’ll die!” she chittered.
“It’s working!” said Pinkie. Then she glanced at the label on the side of the phial. “Wait, it’s working? This is bug spray?”
“Changelings are insects. They breathe through trachea on their sides. That potion’s designed to block up those trachea so they can’t breathe. If you inhaled it, it would probably kill you, too. It’s pretty strong stuff. So don’t.”
“Oh,” said Pinkie, moving the phial away from her mouth. “So how is she still talking?”
Fluttershy waved a hoof at her own neck. “They talk by vibrating plates in their throats.”
“Save me,” moaned Chrysalis, waving her hooves placatingly at them. “Please! I surrender! Just don’t let me die like this!”
“I’m sorry,” said Fluttershy. “I usually have this schtick where I soothe my victims in their last moments. But golly, somecreature just sucked all the love out of my brain, so I’m not really feeling motivated to do that. I’m just going to enjoy watching you die, okay?”
†††
Early the next morning, the hot dog stand was out, with a hastily made cardboard sign reading ‘fresh chameleon cave crab omelets, today only, 2 bits’ hanging over the usual menu.
“Oh, this tastes just like lobster!” said Silverstream, doing a loop in midair without upsetting her plate. “I haven’t had fresh seafood in ages! You guys are the best!”
“We aim to please,” said Pinkie, closing an omelet up around fluffy white meat.
“Technically, the chameleon cave crab is a terrestrial arthropod. It’s not seafood,” said Fluttershy. “It is a distant relative of the lobster, however.”
Her gaze drifted over to Ocellus, who was lurking nearby, eyeing the food cart, gears turning in her head. Fluttershy gulped. Ocellus knew Chrysalis had been lurking around the school. What if she figured out what a ‘chameleon cave crab’ really was? They should have found some other way to dispose of the body!
Ocellus scuttled over and looked at the steam tray full of tasty, flaky white meat. “Chameleon cave crab, huh? Never heard of them.”
“They’re… a rare… I mean, they’re very common, but they’re little-known,” said Fluttershy. “They’re not endangered or anything.”
“Well, this one was,” said Ocellus. “Fresh-killed yesterday, huh?”
Fluttershy’s insides turned to jello. Fear-flavored jello. Ocellus was onto them!
“Yes siree dipity!” said Pinkie Pie.
Ocellus’ face lit up. “Oh great! Um… Can I have some? Just a little portion?”
“You can’t even eat food, you goofball,” said Silverstream.
“Nuh-uh. We have a vestigial digestive system!” Ocellus tossed her head. “I mean… I might wind up throwing it up later. But sometimes it’s worth it. Extra worth it, in this case.”
“Okay, whatever just pretend I didn’t ask,” said Silverstream.
There was a sudden flash of purple light, and Twilight was standing in front of the cart, panting and looking flustered. Ocellus and Silverstream yelped and flapped away from her, clutching their plates.
“Pinkie! Fluttershy! You have to be careful! I have top-level intelligence indicating that Chrysalis is heading for…” She cut off in mid-sentence. Her eyes flicked from the sign, to the meat, to Pinkie’s awkward smile. Fluttershy tried to hide under the cart, but Twilight grabbed her with her magic and hauled her up into midair by the scruff of her neck. “Girls. You two wouldn’t happen to have seen Chrysalis around here, would you?”
“Nope,” said Pinkie. “Neither shell nor feeler.”
“It’s, um, been pretty quiet,” said Fluttershy.
Twilight hummed thoughtfully, poking around under the cart with her magic. She soon found a large bag that rattled hollowly when she lifted it up. Silverstream and Ocellus made themselves scarce.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “You two. My office. Now.”
†††
Boiling had turned Chrysalis’ greenish black carapace a lovely dark red color. Every component of her exoskeleton was laid out on the floor of Twilight’s office, carefully placed in their correct anatomical configuration. Her severed horn sat next to her empty cranium, the only part of her that was still black. Twilight was staring at it, her expression unreadable.
“I don’t know what to think,” she said, stroking her chin with one hoof.
“That you’re completely shocked and very disappointed in us and how could we do such a thing?” suggested Pinkie.
“No,” said Twilight. “Well, not completely. I’ve drawn up psychological profiles of all of you. I didn’t expect either of you to snap so suddenly and completely, but… well. It wasn’t totally unexpected. Anyway. I am very disappointed, yes. Have you killed anycreature else?”
Fluttershy and Pinkie looked at each other. Pinkie jerked her head at Twilight. Fluttershy nodded. Then she hoped a nod meant ‘yes, confess and hope for the best; Twilight’s going to figure it out on her own eventually anyway’ and not ‘yes, let’s murder Twilight to cover up our crimes’.
“Maybe a coooouuuple,” said Pinkie.
So the first one. Good.
“‘A couple’ as in a small finite number, or ‘a couple’ two?” asked Twilight, glancing up at them with narrowed eyes.
“A couple three, to be exact,” said Pinkie. “But they had it coming.”
“Yes, they were all bad ponies,” said Fluttershy.
Twilight pressed her hoof against her forehead. “So bad they didn’t deserve due process and a fair trial before a jury of their peers as specified in the Equestrian constitution?”
“Well, Chrysalis was kind of attacking us,” said Fluttershy, hunching down into herself.
“We weren’t talking about her! Chrysalis was fine; I can make that go away,” said Twilight. “It’s the other ones I’m worried about. And also you feeding them to the students. That was… I mean kind of clever? But also vile and grotesque and wrong and you shouldn’t do it again.”
Pinkie shuffled her hooves uncomfortably and opened her mouth. Twilight levitated Chrysalis’ left hind hoof and stuffed it in Pinkie’s mouth.
“No. I don’t want to know anything else,” said Twilight.
“Mgh hm!” agreed Pinkie.
“Okay, so rules from here on out. No more serial killing in Equestria. I’m guessing since Fluttershy is involved you skipped the usual initial stage of torturing and killing animals, but if you didn’t, cut that out, too. And most importantly, no more cannibalism!”
“Awwww!” said Pinkie, popping the hoof out of her mouth.
Fluttershy raised one hoof cautiously. “Um, I have a question? More of an observation, really.”
“Okay, go ahead,” said Twilight.
“You used the phrase ‘no more serial killing in Equestria’. That seems very specific. What did you mean by that word choice, exactly?”
Twilight smiled indulgently. “As Princess of Friendship, I believe strongly in nurturing and properly directing my friends’ special talents. No matter how… disturbing those talents might be.”
Pinkie tilted her head to one side. “What? What do you mean?”
†††
The hot, wet jungle air bore down on Fluttershy like a parka soaked in kerosene. She put away her sketchbook (so many new animals down here!) as Pinkie killed the magic motor. Their boat drifted through the murky river water towards the dock. Slaves — ponies and zebras locked in red crystal collars, their eyes desperate and sad — reached out with poles to pull them in to shore. Raw Deal, a red-coated unicorn in well-worn military fatigues, watched them as they disembarked.
“Ladies,” he rumbled, nodding to them ever so slightly. “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
“Oh, this is a really cool camp!” said Pinkie, pronking up onto the wooden dock. “You have everything — guards, barbed wire fences, creepy huts, totally not obvious pit traps, party cannons, more guards…”
“I don’t think those are party cannons, Pinkie,” said Fluttershy, flapping after her. The misery and defeat in the body language of Raw Deal’s slaves should have affected her more, but even under Twilight’s care, her love was returning only very slowly. Still, she knew right from wrong.
More or less.
“I was surprised to hear from your princess. My impression was that your Principality frowned on my operation here,” said Raw Deal, his voice smooth, but his demeanor reserved. “I’d have expected a secret visit from the Shadowbolts, not a diplomatic mission by two of the Element Bearers.”
“There are no such things as Shadowbolts, silly,” said Pinkie Pie.
Certainly not a whole battalion of them who escorted us through the jungle, thought Fluttershy. “It’s a complicated world. The crystal math from your mines here could be a great help to the Equestrian military. If you’re willing to keep quiet, we’re, um, willing to deal.”
Raw Deal chuckled. “My crystals are expensive. My silence, even more so. But I’m sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. I must say, however, that I’m surprised to see you here, Fluttershy. I thought that you carried the Element of Kindness.”
Fluttershy lowered her head and smiled shyly at Raw Deal. “When it comes to making sure pony foals can sleep safely at night, I find one sometimes has to be cruel to be kind. Sometimes extremely cruel.”
Raw Deal cackled. “I think I’m going to like you, Fluttershy. Come. You must be hungry after your journey. Let’s discuss this further over lunch.”
Fluttershy hummed happily to herself. It was going to be a lovely meal.
