You Can't Kill The Me In You
I know how is it like to love someone who hates you. Believe me when I said that. Even though I know you don't mean it.
I just can't believe that the same mare I fell in love with many years ago would be the source of my pain, and my greatest fear. You are the only reason I lived for, but also the only reason I hated my life.
Do you remember how it all started? Because I do.
Do you remember the first time we met? I was the only one with wings back then. You could barely even hear me when I tried to tell you my name. I didn't tell you the real reason why I was particularly shy around you - I just didn't expect to see such a pretty unicorn in town back then. A beautiful unicorn that came from Canterlot that isn't also snobby or stuck-up.
To be honest, I didn't know what I was feeling, either. I only knew that this warm, fuzzy feeling within me grew stronger with time. The more I started to spend time with you, the harder it was to say goodbye every time you left. And this wasn't like any state of shyness I experienced previously, it would never disappear with time, and I knew it.
At first, I thought it was normal, in fact, perfectly normal, for me to be feeling this way, After all, everyone has had a moment of infatuation in their lives, right? I already knew I was attracted to mares rather than stallions for a long time, so it was normal for me to have silly crushes, including one on a lavender mare, right?
But little did I know, this feelings would not fade. Crushes disappear with time - the feelings that they bring are evanescent and often pointless. This was not one of them. Every time I thought of you, the butterflies on my flank flew to my stomach, and the fire within my heart rose to my cheeks. Eventually, you just took over me. You were all I could see when I look into the mirror, you were all I could see in my dreams, your voice was the only sound I wished to hear. You became my everything, and I felt like the world was falling apart in your absence.
Of course, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to make a move - you wouldn't have noticed me otherwise. And all it took was that one date, one night, to make me realize that I was hopelessly in love with you.
Do you remember that night, Twilight? You walked home with me, under the moonlight with your wing wrapped around me. I still can't believe you were the one who kissed me first. You couldn't believe how happy I felt in that moment. As if my wings that stood up straight weren't clear enough of an indicator, my eyes immediately sparkled as I gazed into yours. I wanted nothing more than to melt in your embrace and never come out again.
Do you remember that very night that we spent almost the entirety of it in my room? We marked each other as ours, we gave each other a part of ourselves. When we got tired out of all the passion we were engaged in, we just fell asleep, with your warm wings wrapped around me, the pale moonlight illuminating our slumbering forms.
Do you remember when you finally decided to let me move in? I was so excited that I didn't need my wings to fly. It was more than a dream come true. I honestly wouldn't have cared if your home was set in a castle or in a hole by the road - as long as you were there.
And do you remember, on that very day, you promised you will make me happy?
Do you remember? You promised.
Do your remember that night when I found out that things weren't okay? I was so worried that letting me move in was the wrong decision after all, but you keep insisting it wasn't. I knew you were right, but how can I stop myself from worrying when I saw you awake, with tears flowing from your beautiful purple orbs, just staring into space on multiple nights? You couldn't hide that forever from me, and when I found out, you just said you were stressed. Of course, I knew you were a princess, of course your life has taken such a toll on you. I tried my best to comfort you, as if you were still a frightened filly in my arms. I told you, it was okay to cry. I didn't tell you everything was going to be okay, because I knew it wouldn't be. I only knew that I would be right by your side as we faced them.
But it didn't get better. You didn't just cry in the middle of silent nights anymore. You started spending less time on grooming yourself and your mane eventually became a mess outside of your working hours. You started getting up late, whereas you were usually the first one up, even among your own family. You started eating less and less until you stopped completely. Eventually, you didn't even come to bed. And that was when I know something was seriously wrong. You weren't the alicorn that everyone called the Princess of Friendship anymore. That spark in your eyes was long gone. You didn't want to see a doctor, but I made sure you did anyway. And so did our other friends.
I just thought that was supposed to fix you, not break you even further.
Do you remember when the doctors first diagnosed you with depression? You held on to me while you cried, asking me to never leave you. It didn't matter if you were a princess, an alicorn - in that moment, you looked more vulnerable than any injured animal that I have ever seen. I promised I would never let you go.
Yes, I promised, I remember.
It was alright at first - more than alright, actually. The other girls were there for you too - they made sure you were never alone. It even looked like you were getting better. The doctors agreed to discharge you, on the condition that you follow their instructions.
And that's when things started going downhill. You refused. You refused to take the medicine on your prescription. You refused to follow the doctors' advice and sleep earlier. You didn't even allow yourself to rest, the way they asked you to. You just wanted to go back to the way it was before, the life you weren't made for. You just wanted to go on pretending nothing has ever happened.
And I couldn't bring myself to stop you, couldn't muster the strength to force you to listen, despite having done that to multiple disobedient critters back at my cottage before. But now I know I should have. Maybe you wouldn't have locked me out like this then.
Do you remember the times when you were still sane, the times where the Twilight I knew and loved was still in there? Do you remember any of those times at all, the times before that night you snapped and threw the book at me?
I could hardly believe it. For years you didn't allow anyone else to touch your books, let alone even drop them, yet you yelled at me and I was met with the hard cover one second later. And you broke down, crying like a filly that has just been thrown out of her house before she even got the chance to grow.
At first, you only threw your precious books at my face, whenever your were fed up or whenever you got even mildly interrupted. You were never so sensitive to disturbances before. Yet I know your anger wasn't real, and it disappeared as quickly as it came, the signs of your depression appearing again. I tried to comfort you in whatever way I could every time you collapsed in my embrace in tears., be it physical or emotional. It was all I could do, anyway, and what I always did.
Somewhere along the line, we both lost our way. You didn't just throw things anymore. You held me by your inescapable magic, making me land on the cold, hard floor of your polished castle. You stopped actually studying or learning - you didn't do anything real anymore. You weren't disturbed or stressed - you were just mad for no reason. Your sorrow was gone, replaced with thoughtless rage, rage that you only let out on me, a rage that will never end, and all I felt was a river of pain cascading on to me every time.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do anymore. I didn't know what I felt about you back then. All I knew was that over time, there was no Twilight left inside of you anymore. I learned it the hard way by trying to comfort you like I once did - only to be met by a searing pain to my face. You would singe my fur and mane until you didn't even see what you were doing anymore.
I never wanted to make this decision, but you forced me to a few weeks ago. You cornered me, your horn alight with no emotion in your eyes. You grabbed my wings, and took your sweet time with every feather as you twisted and burnt them until they cracked. You pinned me against the wall, screaming that you wanted me to die.
Whether I couldn't or wouldn't stop you, I have no idea. I just know that you were gone, and it's over.
Yes, you heard me right. It's over, whether we like it or not.
Do you remember at all, Twilight? Do you remember anything beneath all these broken promises and shattered dreams? Do you know how hard it is for me to keep pretending that it's okay just so that others wouldn't know the truth? Do you know how is it like to live a lie led by a dream that never exists? Do you know how hard it is for me to come back every day and see a desolate wasteland filled with shattered crystals and fragments of our memories that was once our home?
Do you even know how hard it is for me to see you anymore, knowing that you're not there?
I don't know where you are right now, since the purple alicorn that now remained clearly isn't you, but I know that I must leave. I don't want to live a life believing in a nonexistent dream, and I don't want our other friends to worry about us anymore.
But I want you to know that I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of you, the damage you inflicted. Even after all this, I want you to know that I only came to life after you happened. The dormant spark within me was ignited when I met you. And I know, this fire that burns endless will never be extinguished.
Because you can break the wings on my body, but you can never tear apart the ones in my heart. I may never be able to fly again, but nothing can stop me from ever soaring again, as long as I release myself from this lie. We can deny it as long as we like, but it wouldn't change the fact that this wasn't meant to be. In this world, there is no place for both of us together.
Evidently, all the dreams we had were mere illusions, all our promises we can forget. But what came alive in us when we saw each other - that is something that will never die, no matter how broken we are.
A few years ago, you broke your promise. And today, as I stepped out of the castle I used to call home, I know I have broken mine as well.
You may not exist anymore, and there might not be a happy ending to our story... but I won't be afraid. At least, not of you. Because you came into my heart and you'll always be there. And I know I'm there in yours too.
And I too still believe that you know, you can't kill the me in you.
Author's Note
Yeah right... where is Starlight story I promised in Light My Way, or the one about two mysterious princesses that I won't reveal...?
My apologies, but I couldn't get both of those out in time. Especially the Starlight story, which is titled With Or Without Me, is pretty long and challenges my writing skills as I've never attempted such a theme before... but I'll try.
Enjoy a simple, heartbreaking TwiShy I have at the moment now. 
~Frosty
