Please Kill Everyone

by B_25

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1500

“I've seen the peak of pony-kind, of everything we strive toward and amount to, and I have to say, I was rather disappointed.”

Most glimpses into the future are met with displacement. We get older, uglier, dumber, and some other forth thing. Just the very idea of growing up makes most cringe, so why suffer having to live through such a terrible fate? Why not just set a nuke that will end it all and give peace to nothingness?

Princess Twilight and Princess Celestia (non-related) have this debate.

Art by Lilboulder

Published 2018-04-18 12:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-18 12:40:07 UTC

No Life Equals No Problems

Please Kill Everyone
Written for JackRipper (The one who tears apart stories and not women—as far as we know)

It's a natural fact of life that, without it, there would be a lot fewer problems. Your sister-in-law wouldn't be complaining about a baby that was never born, but then again, she would probably be crying about her miscarriage—we've now come to the thesis of this small tale.

If everyone were just to die, and life be denied its right to live, then there would be a lot fewer problems.

Twilight has discovered a spell with the same potency of a nuke.

And she intends to use it.

“Please Twilight, just move away from the balcony.”

“You can't stop this.” Twilight stood on the aforementioned balcony with a violet ball of energy swirling around her horn, summoning torrents of winds that pulled at everything withins its reach into the the ball of enegery reach, granting it more and more power. “I've seen the peak of pony-kind, of everything we strive toward and amount to, and I have to say, I was rather disappointed.”

“So Starswirl's spell did offer you a glimpse into the future!” Celestia began up the small carpeted steps, feeling something other than an imaginary fan blowing back her glittering mane. “Pray tell, Twilight, did you see that has sent you to the edge of insanity?”

“Stupidity and retardation!” Twilight shook her head, something which, somehow done incorrectly, could set the spell off prematurely—a fact that made the sun goddess sweat. “You think the threat of one nuke is bad, try waking up to a news poll announcing a new one every Monday?”

“I'm... afraid I don't quite understand what—“

“And neither do they!” Twilight stepped back until her rump met the railing. “Back in their day, it made more sense why these threats were used—there was a war going on, but even that was pretty stupid.”

“T-There was a war?”

“More than one, and the war itself wasn't even the worse part.” Twilight leaned forward. “Do you know what was?”

Princess Celestia was too scared to answer.

“What they were fighting to protect!” Twilight gritted her teeth. “When you take away all the fighting, ponies resorted to causing drama and fighting over that!” She then bit on her lip and drew blood. “They had nothing better to do than to cause meaningless trouble with one another, make sure to spread it around instead of talking to the pony they had an issue with, and blow the whole thing out of proportion.”

“Uh.”

“It was literally like taking a grain of rice and expanding it into a hot air balloon.”

“I see.” Princess Celestia stopped at the top of the stairs, careful as was drawing closer to the balcony. “So because ponies become petty in the future you seek to doom their entire species?”

“Kinda, yeah.” Twilight turned slightly to the right. “The thing is, ponies start off kinda trashy, get better as they get along, but because they've gotten better, become lazy and pettier, and then get worse while still somehow going forward—and I'm simply not prepared to deal with this bullshit.”

“B-Bullshit?”

“A new term coined in the future.” Twilight shrugged. “Basically everything Spike says counts as bullshit.”

Celestia carefully considered her words as she took another step forward, feeling the power of the spell as she was now within its radius, her golden chest piece plucked from her chest and sucked into the current of the wind.

“I can see you don't like where ponykind is coming too, and even I have been kept awake by the possibilities that lie in the near future.” Celestia took another step forward—a mistake in hindsight. “Why not just retire to the mountains and become a hermit? You'll be far away, alone, and with books.”

“See, I already considered that, but do you know what happens next?” Twilight took a step forward; only she wouldn't come to regret it. “After too much bullshit starts piling up, after all the natural conflicts of the world are resolved, ponies then start making some up and coming to you with it.”

“I'm sure that—“

“No, you're not sure of anything. See, you think you're sure, but you're not really sure—I'm sure of it.” Twilight took another step forward and Celestia took a step back. The winds were granted greater entry into the castle, sucking in vases and other delicacies, increasing the power of the spell much faster than before. “Ponies become so bored and useless with their lives that they start making conflict up, which you can easily see as petty bullshit, and no matter how many times you lovingly try to set your ponies straight, all they do is fuck more shit up and make you further depressed.”

“Me?” Celestia blinked as she pressed a hoof against her chest. “You believe me, Princess of Equestria and the pony everyone comes to see for wisdom, would become depressed?”

“Like you're not now?” Princess Twilight took another step forward and was halfway through the door's archway. “When you become a princess, you're given four things: a castle, a rule, wings, and a heavy dose of deep and crippling depression.” Twilight sighed. “The fact you forgot to mention last part does ring some bells.”

“I-I-I love my job!” Celestia waved a hoof as she sat down. “In fact, I love myself!”

“And that's the biggest lie that's ever been told.” Twilight took a seat as well, which was rather impressive considering her horn was preparing for nuclear devastation. “You believe you can change ponies when they start this petty drama, but after a while, you grow tired of both it and yourself and check out—permanetly.”

“Me?”

“Oh, yes,” Twilight said. “I saw the body—I saw the body of every princess in fact.”

Celestia tilted her head.

“Don't give me that look, everypony ever has taken inspiration from your words. Only your fellow princesses took an act from your actions.” Twilight began to stand back up. “After you realized that no matter what you did, nopony would change and everything would become progressively more terrible, you decided to take your own life and left everything to Princess Luna.”

Princess Celestia didn't try to deny this possibility.

“Well, Princess Luna was already fed up with your shit, that after a month, she banished herself back to the moon.” Twilight tilted her head and looked up. “In fact, she later told me in a long distance letter that she regretted coming back in the first place—it was always other ponies fault and never her own.”

Both gave a moment's thought to that statement.

“With her gone and you dead, naturally, all formal complaints went to Princess Candace.” Twilight sucked on her lips and lightly shook her head. “That didn't work out well. At first, she meant all the new ponies with love, and after a week, came not to even love her husband or even herself—she soon broke the crystal heart and allowed Sombra to reign over the crystal empire.”

“Is that...” Celestia found her voice weak, “...how the wars started then?”

“No, because ponies then went and complained to him, and his evil rule only lasted a day.” Twilight exhaled heavily. “Don't even ask about what happened to Shinning.”

Princess Celestia wasn't sure to scream or to cry.

“So, of course, all the petty ponies came to me with their bullshit, and thinking that I'd find a way to bite the bullet, did some ritual shit to make me truly immortal—meaning I couldn't take my life no matter how many knives I tried or lava I swam in.”

“This all sounds... positively horrible.”

“I'm telling you it's all downhill from here,” Twilight said, stepping closer to her mentor. “All that comes is a lot of bullshit that you honestly can't deal with. No matter where I ran or tried to hide, my subjects always managed to find me, so now I've traveled back in time to kill the rat bastards before they can get a chance to fuck me over.”

“I'm not precisely sure what I should be saying right now.”

“You don't have to say anything.” Twilight came a foot away from her mentor, presenting her glowing horn. “Life is in of itself a problem, so if we get rid of it, everything will be prefect—since death is nothingness and the dead excel at that.”

Princess Celestia wasn't exactly sure what was happening anymore, but ever so gradually, she found herself to stop caring—just the mention of the future made her feel tired and sad, much less actually having to live through it.

So, in too glowing her horn, she pressed its tip against her student's horn—the first time this wasn't done romantically or sexually, but a mutual agreement that everything should end because everything does, quite indeed, suck.

The castle was pulled into the spell and served as the catalyst for the worldwide explosion...

...thus began, Fallout Equestria.