Anon has hair.

by TechnoNerd

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spa Ponies, Anon
Length: 1028

That's literally the entire story.

One day, Anon was bald. The next day, he wasn't. He doesn't quite know how to deal with this predicament.

Published 2018-05-14 00:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-14 00:10:07 UTC

OH GOSH WHAT ARE THESE STRINGY THINGS COMING FROM MY HEAD

Author's Note

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Beware of memes.

No, I'm not sorry.

OH GOSH WHAT ARE THESE STRINGY THINGS COMING FROM MY HEAD

"OH GOLLY GEEZ HOLY CRAPPUCHINO." Anon exclaimed, waking up to his vision flooded with luscious locks of flowing hair. "SNAKES! SNAKES ON MY HEAD! GET 'EM OFF, GET 'EM OFF, GET 'EM OFF!"

On the other side of the room, Twilight scribbled something on a clipboard.

"YOU!" Anon screeched as he lifted a green finger towards the mare, "BLAST THESE SNAKES OFF ME BEFORE THEY KILL ME."

Twilight shook her head, setting the quill down. "No can do, Anon." She began, "I'm testing a new hair and mane regeneration serum that Zecora gave me the recipe to. I want to ensure that it works properly and as-expected before I try to replicate the formula."

Anon frowned a frowny frown on his frowning nonexistent face. "Still." He continued, "Get this spaghetti off my head right now."

"Nope." Twilight tapped her quill on Anon's head. "I've gotta test this serum so that I know it's nonallergenic, useful, and unharmful to ponies."

"So... you're saying that this is Anon testing."

Twilight nodded. "Yup. Your world has animal testing, ours has Anon testing. Your ancestors were practically lab rats to my own ancestors, y'know that?"

Anon shuddered, running a hand through the surprisingly springy hair sprouting from his skull. "Darnit." He muttered, tugging at the locks, "Where's PETA when you need them?"

"Oh, Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Anons?" Twilight replied, "That PETA? Nah, they were revealed to actually be a evil corporation that wanted Anons to take over the world. We wouldn't want that now, would we?"

"I would." Anon deadpanned, ripping a single hair from his head with a definitely not feminine squeak. In fact, his shriek of pain was so manly that Chuck Norris turned to gaze in his general direction for a fraction of a second.

"Exactly my point." Twilight continued as she smacked Anon with her clipboard, "You'd be too much of a hassle for other ponies to stand."

Anon folded his arms. "So what, it doesn't mean that a tiny technicolor horse is allowed to break into my house and give me a head of yarn.

"YARN?!" Rarity squealed, bursting through the window, "I NEED NEW MATERIAL FOR MY NEXT MASTERPIECE, FACE SWEATERS!"

"Woah, nelly." Applejack grumbled, lassoing the frenzied unicorn and dragging her back out the window, "We can get your yarn from th' market."

And with that, Applehorse and Diamond Detector were gone.

"So." Twilight turned back to Anon, who was currently trying to cut his newly-grown hair with a butter knife. "Now for the social side of the tests. I'll need to talk to Rarity once she gets her yarn."

"T-talk to... Rarity?" Anon stammered, "What do you mean?"

Twilight smirked. "As Rarity would put it, we're gonna make you look fabulous."

Anon's invisible pupils shrunk to a pinprick.

"C'mon," Twilight grunted, lifting the struggling Anon in her magic, "It's only gonna be a hairstyling session, Anon. Think of it like... um..."

"Getting my scalp lathered up with a buncha perfume for the head-string that's stuck to me."

Twilight frowned. "...Yes," She agreed, "That."

A tiny bell jingled as the two entered Rarity's boutique.

"Rarityyyyyy?" Sweetie Belle complained from her above-the-door shelf, "Can I get down now? My hooves are tired from ringing this tiny bell."

Rarity glanced up at her sister, then shook her head. "No, darling. That bell cutie mark of yours means that this is your destiny. Oh, just imagining the wonderful bell music you'll make in the future!"

Sweetie Belle facehoofed, the bells strapped around her hoof jingling.

"Now then." Rarity continued, turning her focus to Twilight and Anon, "Shall I take the two of you to the spa? I've already arranged for a hidden room in the back in case if... you know..."

Anon belched. "NO, we are not going to be doing that."

Twilight only raised a brow.

"HOLY CELESTIA'S BUCKIN' MANE." Anon screamed as a comb was run through his hair, "THE PAAAAAAIIIIN!"

Twilight sat in a corner, clipboard and quill in hoof.

"TELL THEM TO STOP, TWILIGHT. IT FEELS LIKE A RAKE IS BEING RUN OVER MY HEAD."

Twilight scribbled out a crudely-drawn image of her scribbling out a crudely-drawn image of her scribbling out a crudely-drawn image of her scribbling out a crudely-drawn image of the world's biggest harmonica.

"I FEEL LIKE I'M BLEEDING. SOMEBODY TELL PETA TO RESCUE ME FROM THIS TORTURE."

Twilight added her final touches to her latest spell.

With one last grunt, Lotus Blossom wrenched the heavily-disfigured comb from Anon's hair, enacting a scream so feminine that even the milkshakes were put to shame as far as how many boys came to the yard. Anon proceeded to devolve into a blubbering mass of green and hair.

Anon and Twilight strolled along the streets of Ponyville, the former being praised and admired by everypony, while the latter just so happened to stumble into a very angry Derpy, accidentally crushing her muffin along the way.

"Y'know," Anon began, twirling a golden lock of hair, "Now that I've had it for a while, I think I actually like the idea of hair."

"Anon." Twilight deadpanned, "You've had hair for less than three hours."

The author racked his mind for more witty crap to dump into this story to artificially boost the word count.

"I mean, sure," Anon continued, "My head now feels twice as heavy as before, and I can't feel the wind over my glorious bald scalp anymore, but I can do this now!"

Twilight shrunk back from the faceless man, narrowly avoiding being whipped by a hulking braid of hair swung her way.

"I'M A WALKING MACE NOW!" Anon cackled, still swinging his braids as he run off into the crowd.

"OH NO YOU DON'T." Twilight answered, teleporting after the guy.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCHA MAH SPAGHET WITH THEM SCISSORS O' YOURS." Anon shrieked as Twilight touched his spaghetti hair with a pair of scissors.

"I TOUCHED YOUR SPAGHET." Twilight yelled, touching his spaghet.

"SOMEBODY TOUCHA MAH SPAGHET?!" Anon screamed, "OH NOOOOOOOOO!"