Why are we useless?

by Vivid_Whisper

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Royal Guard
Length: 1042

Two guards question their usefulness.

Two pony guards, Philosopher and Bobby Pin, question their usefulness as guards when things go wrong.

Published 2018-04-20 03:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-20 03:40:07 UTC

What is life?

"Hey, Bob?"

"Yeah, Phil?"

"Why are we so useless?"

It was another glorious day in Equestria. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and everypony was out and about in the streets. Harmony reigned throughout the land as always. Nothing could ruin today.

Bob, or rather, Bobby Pin, looked over to his fellow guard companion, Phil, or rather, Philosopher. "Whaddya mean?"

"Well," his friend started, "whenever some huge event occurs that requires the Royal Guard, we rarely ever do anything. The only ponies I've ever seen doing anything are the Elements of Harmony."

"I don't see a problem with that. If they save the day, it's all good in the end," Bob answered plain and simply.

"But why, though? If the Elements are the only ones doing the whole 'saving Equestria' dealymajig, then why do we exist?"

"Simple, to protect Equestria," Bob answered, staying at attention, eyes scanning the castle gardens.

"But we DON'T protect Equestria! It's like we're here for comedic effect! It's like... like the Elements are the stars of their own play, and we're just there for the audience to criticize and laugh at!"

Bob looked over to his buddy and sighed. "Listen, man, I just got this job because I heard it was easy, alright? All I gotta do is stand around and do absolutely nothing. Just me and my thoughts."

Phil looked back at him with suspicion. "Don't you ever think about this even a little?"

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it. That's what my dad would always say."

This made Phil a bit peeved. "But it IS broken, Bobby. How are we so incompetent? Remember when we were assigned to the wedding and that bug queen crashed it? We were right outside the building! And you know what we did?"

"...Nothing?"

"Absolutely nothing, Bob! Absolutely nothing!"

Bobby narrowed his eyes as he thought back to the wedding. "That bug... was kinda cute."

"Seriously?!"

"I'm just messin' with ya!" Bob laughed heartily. "That cake was good though."

"It was..."

Silence followed for several minutes before Phil spoke up one more. "Remember that Tirek guy?"

"Are we seriously going to keep doing this?" Bob asked, a bit annoyed with having to think about it for his entire shift.

"Yes, Bob. We're going to keep doing this until we figure out why we're so useless! Now tell me! Do you remember that Tirek guy?!"

Bob brought a hoof to his chin. "Wasn't he that noble who demanded we arrest a kid for scuffing up his horseshoes on accident?"

Phil facehoofed right then and there. "No, Bob. It's the sweet old lady who brought us cupcakes," he said sarcastically.

"Some lady brought cupcakes and nopony told me?" Bob slumped a bit in disappointment. "Are they all gone?"

Another audible facehoof. "No! I was using sarcasm! Tirek's that centaur guy! The one with the big horns on his head!"

"You don't have to yell," Bobby replied calmly. "You need a cupcake."

"Do you remember or not?" Phil asked, a bit more calmly, though on the inside he was fuming with rage.

"Yeah, I remember. He's the guy who took everypony's magic, right?"

"Yes! That's the one! Know what happened when we actually tried something?" Phil asked, hoping his friend would provide the right answer.

"He took our magic?"

"Good, good. And how did we fail?" Phil asked once more.

"We didn't poke him with the spears hard enough?" Bob answered, confused.

"It was because we used spears in the first place instead of having better weaponry. Seriously, we could have at least had some swords. Spears are good and all, but I think we would have done better with slashing weapons rather than having a stick. Or at least crossbows. That way would could, oh, I don't know, been further away from the massive beast trying to absorb our magic?"

Bob thought about it carefully. "Wouldn't arrows have the same effect as the spears? Or any weapon for that matter? I mean... we did kinda fight him and were still defeated."

Phil looked over to Bob in astonishment. "Um... I suppose that would be true. I guess it wouldn't have really mattered, seeing as how he already had absorbed so much power before fighting us."

"Yeah, and I thought you were the smart one. We should've just ran away."

"You didn't run, either!" Phil defended.

"Anything else you wanna bring up while you're at it?" Bob asked. If he had to go through this, he might as well speed up the conversation until they had nothing left to talk about.

"Well," Phil started, "What about the time the Storm king attacked us?"

"It was a festival though! We didn't need our weapons! Besides, we were given a break!"

Phil facehoofed at this. "Didn't need our weapons? We need to face the facts, Bob! We're incompetent! Even off-duty guards should carry weapons in case of an emergency!"

"I think you need to lighten up," Bob said bluntly.

"What?!" Phil stammered.

"Listen," Bob said, "I dunno what your problem is, but you need to chill. I know it's hard to feel like we're incompetent. I feel that way sometimes, too. But it's not so bad."

"Not so bad? We're failures! I bet Princess Celestia gives us these jobs out of pity!"

"So what if she does? At least she's kind enough to give us SOMETHING to do. I mean... my skill is lockpicking. Do you really think there's a job out there for me that involves breaking and entering? I don't mind! And besides, we've got the Elements of Harmony to protect us! Don't fix what ain't broke! That's what my dad always says!"

"You know what?" Phil said, thinking it over. "You're right... I guess not everything needs to be perfect. We may be really bad at our job, but at least we have the chance to improve."

"Well," Bob smiled, "I'm glad you agree with me, because I can't take anymore of this conversation."

The two guards stayed quiet for a few minutes.

"You know," Phil spoke up, "That bug lady WAS kinda cute..."

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed this little skit. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time.