Prince Charmless

Chapters

How To Lose A Stallion
The Worst Night Ever
Love At First Buck

How To Lose A Stallion

“Ugh, Blueblood has got to be the single most annoying stallion in the history of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash moaned as she collapsed on top of the Cutie Map. Rainbow Dash’s friends sat around the map with looks of concern on their faces. “He just won’t leave me alone. I mean, yesterday he showed up outside my house and tried to serenade me in this stupid looking outfit. And then there’s the junk he keeps sending me, I mean at this point I think my office at the school has got more flowers in it than furniture!”

“Now, y’all have explained to this lunkhead that y’ ain’t at all interested in him, right?” Applejack asked.

“Of course I have! I’ve told him I don’t want anything to do with him like a bajillion times. He just keeps assuming that I’m playing hard to get.”

“And you’re absolutely certain you’ve been perfectly clear on the subject?” Rarity asked. “This is Prince Blueblood we’re talking about, after all. That stallion is dense than Pinkie Pie’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Fudge Cake.”

“Oh, that’s Maude’s favorite!” Pinkie Pie chirped happily. “She says it reminds her of osmium rich basalt.”

“Kinda off topic, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said. “And the last time Blueblood showed up under my window trying to read poetry to me I told him; ‘You insult my friends, you’re rude to everpony around you and you’re a stupid, stuck up, prissy jerk! There is absolutely nothing about you that makes me want to spend any time around you, let alone actually date you. Go away and leave me alone!’” But the time Rainbow Dash finished recounting her rant she was breathing heavily with a mixture of anger and frustration. “How the hay does anypony hear all that and think I’m just playing ‘hard to get?”

“That’s relatively simple to explain; Prince Blueblood is a delusional idiot who’s only going to hear what he wants to regardless of what you actually say,” Moonwhisper said as he trotted into the room. “Now, I do realize that none of you generally consider violence to be an acceptable method of problem solving –“

“Believe me, I would love to thrash that obnoxious jerk until he finally got the message, but I can’t risk it,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’m still on probation with the Wonderbolts for knocking Blueblood on his rump the first time. Spitfire would roast my haunches if she got word I beat the hay out of him again.”

“I was actually suggesting something more along the lines of having Prince Blueblood forcibly removed from Ponyville,” Moonwhisper replied. “From what I’ve overheard it sounds as though there’s a strong likelihood that Prince Blueblood is crossing certain legal lines. If that’s the case, then as Captain of the Ponyville Guard then I would have an obligation to step in.”

“Unfortunately that’s not really a viable option either,” Twilight interjected as she levitate a large tome onto the map table. “I already checked Equestria’s legal statues on the subject and Prince Blueblood seems to have kept from crossing the line into outright stalking.”

“Perhaps not, but you could probably make a case for criminal harassment,” Moonwhisper countered.

Twilight thought for a moment before shaking her head. “Let’s call that out Plan B for now. The ideal solution would be to find some way to convince Prince Blueblood to leave Rainbow Dash alone on his own.”

“What Ah still don’t get is why this Prince Blueblood fella fell so hard fer y’all in the first place,” Applejack said.

“Gee, thanks AJ,” Rainbow Dash replied sarcastically.

“Ah didn’t mean it like that, RD,” Applejack explained quickly. “It’s just, from what Ah’ve gathered Prince Blueblood’s even prissier than Rarity. Er, no offense.”

“None taken, darling, and I think I can see where you’re going with this. While you certainly have many wonderful attributes, Rainbow Dash, I’m not sure I’d say refinement is one of them,” Rarity said.

“Yeah, so? I’m still awesome, maybe Blueblood is just sick of dealing with a bunch of whiny, stuck-up Canterlot mares,” Rainbow Dash retorted defensively.

“Or maybe Blueblood just thinks that’s what he wants,” Twilight mused thoughtfully. “Think about it, Prince Blueblood says he’s in love with Rainbow Dash, but the truth is he really hardly knows her at all.”

“Uh, yeah, what’s your point?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“My point is that I don’t think Prince Blueblood’s really in love with you so much as he’s in love with the idea of you. Blueblood has imagined up some idealized fantasy version of you. So, all we need to do is convince Prince Blueblood that you and his fantasy-you aren’t the same pony.”

“Ok, that’s a nice idea and all, the only question is how? Like you already said, Blueblood’s got his head stuck so far up his rump he can’t see anything he doesn’t want to,” Rainbow Dash snorted,

“Setting aside your rather colorful way of describing Prince Blueblood’s obliviousness, I’d say the answer is rather simple,” Rarity replied. “You simply have to show Prince Blueblood that you’re the complete opposite of the pony he’s imagined you as in a way that’s so over the top that even he can’t ignore it.”

“Y’ mean kinda like how he turned out to be the opposite of the pony y’all thought he was at the Grand Galloping Gala?” Applejack asked half-jokingly.

“Yes. Like that,” Rarity replied bitterly. “Thank you so very much for bringing up that bit of misery. In any event, the main difference here would be that Rainbow Dash would be doing it intentionally instead of being naturally repugnant.”

“Wait, hold on, it’s starting to sound like you guys are suggesting I actually go on a date with him,” Rainbow Dash said uneasily.

“Not just any date, darling, but the worst, most unrelentingly horrid date imaginable!” Rarity declared. “You need to show Prince Blueblood the worst time of his life to the extent that the very idea of romancing you sickens him as much as the idea of being romanced by him sickens you.”

“And you really think that that would be enough to finally get rid of him?” Rainbow Dash asked skeptically.

“Trust me, Rainbow Dash, if we do this correctly Prince Blueblood will never want to so much as see your face ever again!” Rarity assured her. The six friends then quickly began making plans for what they hoped would be the worst date in the history of Equestria as Spike and Moonwhisper looked on.

“Does this sort of thing happen often?” Moonwhisper asked as he and Spike left the mares to their scheming.

“What, you mean the whole unwanted wannabe coltfriend thing?” Spike replied. “Nah, at least not like this anyway.”

“Actually, I was referring in a broader sense about their insistence on dealing with an issue in a roundabout manner that has a high probability of somehow backfiring spectacularly,” Moonwhisper said.

“Oh, that,” Spike said. “Yeah, you get used to that pretty quickly.”

*********

“You’re really serious? Rainbow Dash has finally agreed to accept my undying love and devotion?” Prince Blueblood asked excitedly.

“Well, that’s not what I said exactly,” Twilight replied with a nervous laugh. It had been decided by a near-unanimous vote (Twilight herself being the only dissenter) that Twilight would be the best pony to contact Prince Blueblood about the ‘date’. “What I said was that Rainbow Dash has agreed to go out on a date with you. One date. Mostly to check to see if you’re ‘awesome’ enough to be her special somepony.” Twilight added, hoping the implied challenge would ensure Prince Blueblood would take the bait.

“Of – of course! A pinnacle of maredom, of ponykind itself such as Rainbow Dash couldn’t be too careful when assessing potential suitors. I suppose even a spectacular specimen such as I would have to expect a certain level of scrutiny.”

Twilight stared at Prince Blueblood for several seconds as she tried to work out if he was being sincere or just trying to save face. “Anyway, I’ve already prepared an itinerary for the two of you for the night after tomorrow. You’ll start the evening with dinner at Le Balle de Foin, followed by a concert that’s being put on by the Ponyville Community Orchestra.”

“A community orchestra?” Prince Blueblood sneered in disgust. “Well, I suppose that’s still a higher caliber of culture than I expected from a common backwater village like this. Very well, I shall see Rainbow Dash the evening after tomorrow. Except, of course, in my dreams, where I will see her tonight.”Never before had Twilight been so grateful that she wasn’t the princess responsible for the realm of dreams.

Unbeknowst to either Prince Blueblood or Twilight, however, the cloaked figure who had arrived in Ponyville at the same time as Prince Blueblood was eavesdropping on their conversation. “So, Rainbow Dash is trying to romance some Canterlot big shot. Well, I’m gonna make sure Rainbow Dash has the worst night of her life. That’ll show her what happens when you stomp on somepony else’s dreams.”

The Worst Night Ever

“Alright, so let’s go over everything one more time,” Twilight said as she paced back and forth across the floor of Carousel Boutique.

“Come on, Twilight, we’ve been over the plan like a dozen times already, I’ve got it. Besides, I basically just have to make Blueblood as miserable as possible. I could do this in my slee-OW! Watch it!” Rainbow Dash yelped before glaring irritably at Rarity.

“So sorry, darling,” Rarity apologized as she levitated away the pin she had accidently stuck her friend with. “It’s just this dress needs to be ready for tonight and its proving to be somewhat tricky.”

“It’s supposed to be an ugly dress, just throw something together! How hard could that possibly be?” Rainbow Dash asked incredulously.

“Darling, this dress needs to be more than just merely ‘ugly’! It needs to be horrendous in just the right way to make Prince Blueblood embarrassed to even be seen with you! Last season’s most dated and garish design sensibilities in a color that perfectly clashes with your mare and coat. A dress that screams ‘this mare wants to be seen as fashionable but utterly lacks the taste and sophistication to pull it off’.”

“Wow, you’re getting way more into this than I thought you would,” Rainbow Dash admitted.

“Well, to be honest I look at it as an interesting challenge. Anypony could have simply made an awful dress, but to create something perfectly terrible that somepony could still believably wear, that takes time and genius.”

“Yes, it’s a very nice dress,” Twilight said absentmindedly. “Well, I don’t mean ‘nice’ as in it looks nice, it honestly looks horrible, but that’s the idea, so…you know what I mean! Anyway, I still think we should go over our plan for this evening. After all, a horrible dress probably won’t be enough to get rid of Prince Blueblood on its own. So, let’s start with dinner at Le Balle de Foin.”

“I’m actually kinda looking forward to that part,” Rainbow Dash admitted. “That place is the most expensive place in Ponyville, I’d never be able to afford to eat there normally.”

“Which is why you’re going to make it clear to Prince Blueblood that he’ll be paying before you arrive,” Rarity said firmly. “If that miserable skinflint balked at paying for an apple fritter than having to pay for a meal at Le Balle should certainly set his teeth on edge.”

“Uh huh, yeah, I get it. And during dinner I’ll use the wrong fork, have lousy table manners…basically just ask myself ‘what would Pinkie Pie do?’”

“Well, that’s not exactly how I would have phrased it, but essentially, yeah,” Twilight replied.

“And then I do the same thing at the concert, and if all else fails I’ll just shove Blueblood into a mud puddle or something. Trust me, Twilight, I’ve got this. There is no possible way Blueblood will want to keep chasing me after I’m through with him tonight.”

*********

During his stay in Ponyville, Prince Blueblood had taken up residence in a small inn near the center of town. The nameless inn failed to live up to Prince Blueblood’s standards in every way, of course, and Prince Blueblood made that fact clear to the inn’s proprietress repeatedly. The innkeeper, an earth pony mare named Dew Drop, would have much preferred that Prince Blueblood find some other place to stay at. However, as it so happened Dew Drop’s inn was still the only such establishment in Ponyville, leaving Prince Blueblood with no other alternative but to make the best of things in his own way.

“-and that, Miss Drop, is why you should replace the pedestrian cotton sheets you have in your rooms with proper linen ones as soon as possible,” Prince Blueblood finished with an air of authority.

“Thank you, your highness, I’ll certainly take that into consideration,” Dew Drop said through tightly clenched teeth. “Didn’t you say you had a date with Rainbow Dash tonight? Shouldn’t you be getting ready? Up in your room? Away from me?”

“I appreciate your concern, Miss Drop, but I’ve already taken care of everything I need to. After all, when you’re as magnificent as myself it doesn’t take nearly the effort you’d think to maintain perfection.”

As Dew Drop turned away to roll her eyes and weighed the wisdom of responding, the door to the inn swung open. “All right, I’m here.” Rainbow Dash declared without much enthusiasm. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Dew Drop perked up right away at the sound of Rainbow Dash’s voice, if for no other reason than the fact that it meant that Prince Blueblood would soon be out of her mane. “Rainbow Dash, it’s so nice…to see…you…” The words died on Dew Drop’s lips as she actually saw Rainbow Dash and more importantly what she was wearing. “Um, I know I’m not exactly Rarity or anything when it comes to fashion, but what in Princess Celestia’s name you wearing?”

“What, don’t you like it?” Rainbow Dash asked with a smirk as she tried to gauge Prince Blueblood’s reaction to Rarity’s ‘crime against fabulosity’. The dress was the approximate color of a molten orange creamsicle with silver accents running along its length. Much to Rainbow Dash’s irritation the dress was anything but aerodynamic, seemingly consisting entirely of endless layers of ruffles and lace.

“My dear Rainbow Dash, you look…” Prince Blueblood began as he seemed to struggle to find the right words.

“Awful? Hideous? Like a lumpy pile of orange sherbet?” Rainbow Dash thought hopefully.

“Absolutely stunning!” Prince Blueblood declared, much to the confusion of everypony else present. “My dear, you’re the picture of doing elegance. Now, shall we?” Prince Blueblood said as he extended a hoof towards Rainbow Dash.

“Well, here goes nothing,” Rainbow Dash thought to herself as she allowed Prince Blueblood to lead her out the door.

*********

“-so then Daring Do flew out one of the tower’s windows with the scepter clenched in her teeth as the whole place collapsed to the ground,” Rainbow Dash said as she finished related the plot of Daring Do and the Tower of the Forgotten King. This was item number four on Twilight’s checklist of tactics to dissuade Prince Blueblood; talking incessantly about subjects he would have no interest in. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be working, at least if the continuing look of stupefied adoration in Prince Blueblood’s eyes was anything to go by.

“I already knew you were a magnificent athlete, but I had no idea you were so well-read as well,” Prince Blueblood said in a fawning tone. “I’ll have to look into these ‘Daring Dune’ novels myself.”

“Uh huh,” Rainbow Dash said, not bothering to correct him on the name before quickly changing the subject. “Hey, look! That’s the restaurant up ahead. Man, it’s going to be so nice to be able to eat at this place without having to worry about the bill,” Rainbow Dash added with a slight smirk.

“Whatever do you mean by – oh,” Prince Blueblood gulped as he realized the implication of what Rainbow Dash was saying. “Er, I mean, of course you wouldn’t have to worry about paying tonight. You’re in the company of one of the most important members of Canterlot’s nobility, after all,” Prince Blueblood said nervously.

Rainbow Dash silently cheered at Prince Blueblood’s obvious discomfort at his realization that he’d be hoofing the bill for the evening. Le Balle de Foin was notorious in Ponyville for being exorbitantly expensive and Rainbow Dash was going to enjoy seeing how high she could drive up the bill.

As Prince Blueblood and Rainbow Dash stepped into the restaurant, they were greeted by a stern-faced, rail thin stallion. “Welcome to Le Balle de Foin,” the stallion intoned in a think Prench accent. “Do you have a reservation?”

“Yes, we have dinner reservations for two. They should be under Prince Blueblood.” As Prince Blueblood replied he put a particular emphasis on his title, as if he were daring the maître d’ to challenge him.

The maître d’ glanced between Prince Blueblood and Rainbow Dash, lingering with disapproval on Rainbow Dash’s dress, before then looking down at the restaurant’s reservation book. “Ah, of course,” he finally replied in a far more conciliatory tone. “Please, step right this way. A server will see you to your table.” The table in question turned out to be a small candlelit affair, each of its place settings boasting a half dozen forks and spoons. Of more immediate interest to Rainbow Dash, however was the menu. The moment Rainbow Dash sat down she immediately picked up the menu and started scanning it for the most expensive items possible. “I’ll have the carrot saffron soup to start with and then the grilled asparagus with white truffle sauce,” Rainbow Dash said after a moment’s thought.

“Excellent selections. And you, sir?” the waiter asked. Prince Blueblood, however, was somewhat distracted by the growing realization that this was going to be a very expensive evening.

*********

“The order for table seven is ready to go out.” In stark contrast to the serene sophistication of its seating area, the interior of Le Balle de Foin was a riot of activity. Truffle Oil, the restaurant’s head chef, was constantly prowling past the various cooking stations, doing his best to ensure that each dish was flawless. In all the chaos, however, certain details sometimes slipped through unnoticed. Details, such as a certain sea foam green pegasus busser slipping in.

“So, Rainbow Dash is on a hot date with a prince?” Lightning Dust muttered to herself as she watched for Rainbow Dash’s order while trying to look busy. “Well, if she wants it hot, then wait until she gets a taste of this Cowcuttan Shadow Pepper extract.”

“Carrot saffron soup and braised artichoke hearts for the VIPs at table 12!” Hearing her opportunity, Lightning Dust bolted across the kitchen floor. Moving too fast for anypony to follow what she was doing, Lightning Dust deftly emptied the small vial of pepper extract into the bowl of soup before quickly getting out of the way of the server coming to collect the order.

“Heh, and now all I have to do is sit back and watch the fireworks,” Lightning Dust cackled quietly to herself. “With an emphasis on ‘fire’. We’ll see how interested this Prince Blueblood is in that overrated wannabe when she’s running around the restaurant making a scene.”

*********

“You know, I never realized how detailed and meticulous the Wonderbolt’s pre-flight preparations were,” Prince Blueblood said as he stared at Rainbow Dash with a dreamy expression on his face.

“Yeah…um…hey look, our foods here,” Rainbow Dash said after a nervous pause, glad for the chance to change the subject. As much as Rainbow Dash enjoyed talking about herself, it didn’t seem to be having the desired effect on Prince Blueblood. Rainbow Dash was running out of things to talk about hat were both tangentially related to her and mind-numbingly boring. Thankfully, in addition to being eye-wateringly expensive, the soup Rainbow Dash had ordered offered a new avenue of attack. While Rainbow Dash’s initial plan had been to simply grab a random spoon and start slurping away, the situation now called for more drastic measures. “Mmm, man this smells good,” Rainbow Dash said as the soup was placed in front of her. “Welp, time to dig in!” With that, Rainbow Dash lifted the bowl to her muzzle and noisily slurped down a mouthful of its contents.

Years ago, when Rainbow Dash had still been in flight school, she had once taken a sip of liquid rainbow on a dare. Upon consuming her soup, that rainbow was promptly demoted to only the second spiciest thing she had ever consumed. “Yeeaugh!” Rainbow Dash screamed in pain as she tossed the bowl away, splattering Prince Blueblood with the contents.

“What in Celestia’s name has gotten into you?” Prince Blueblood demanded as he watched Rainbow Dash desperately empty every liquid within hoof’s reach into her mouth. Curiously, Prince Blueblood levitated his soup spoon and scraped a bit of the soup that had landed on his plate before gingerly tasting it. “Gah! Oh, no wonder you reacted like that!” Prince Blueblood said as he spat out the soup in disgust. “Manager! I demand to speak with the manager of this establishment at once!”

Moments later a portly, well-dressed earth pony mare stepped forward and approached Prince Blueblood. “Pardon me, your highness, I’m Tasting Menu, the owner of this restaurant. Is there something the matter that I can help you with?”

“You can start by finding some way to apologize for attempting to poison my companion!” Prince Blueblood roared. “Somepony has clearly adulterated her soup with some sort of hot sauce. I demand that the culprit be found and punished immediately.”

“Yes, of course, I’ll look into this right away. And of course there will be no charge for you meal,” Tasting Menu added.

“And I presume I can send you my dry cleaning bill as well?” Prince Blueblood asked haughtily.

Tasting Menu winced slightly. “We’ll take care of that as well.”

“Splendid,” Prince Blueblood replied, brightening considerably. “Now then, I think it would be best if we were moved to a different table. This one needs to be cleaned up somewhat.”

*********

“It’s a self-grooming spell, not nearly equal to a proper trip to the spa but it works well enough in an emergency,” Prince Blueblood droned on as he and Rainbow Dash headed towards Ponyville’s Amphitheater. “I made a point of learning it after my initial encounter with your dressmaker acquaintance. It took me months to get the hang of it, but clearly it was time well spent.”

“Uh huh,” Rainbow Dash replied without much enthusiasm. Not only had the disaster at dinner failed to dampen Prince Blueblood’s interest in her, but Rainbow Dash’s mouth was still smoldering from whatever had been added to her soup. “And the worst part is now I can’t even get Blueblood to shut up!” Rainbow Dash thought to herself. “I’m just going to have to try even harder once we get to the concert.”

Mercifully, it was a fairly short walk to the Ponyville Amphitheater, limiting the length of time Rainbow Dash had to listen to Prince Blueblood expound upon his spa preferences. Unfortunately, that was hardly the only topic of conversation Prince Blueblood was capable of. “Ugh, this is where they’re holding the concert?” Prince Blueblood snorted in disgust. “I can’t say I was expecting all that much to begin with, but this place looks like it would be a more appropriate venue for a school play than a proper concert.”

“Princess Celestia thought it was find when she helped us put on a play for her onesversary,” Rainbow Dash pointedly retorted.

Prince Blueblood quickly began sputtering and clearing his throat before muttering something under his breath about Princess Celestia’s graciousness. As Prince Blueblood and Rainbow Dash took their seats, Rainbow Dash readied her opening weapon for this part of the evening; a nice crinkly bag of extra crunchy pretzels.

Meanwhile, as the concert started, a pair of golden eyes angrily stared down at Rainbow Dash. “Look at her! She’s actually eating pretzels during the concert. What the hay does a stallion like that price see in a mare like her anyway? I should be the pony being swept off my hooves by royalty. I’m better looking than Rainbow Dash, I’m a better flier than Rainbow Dash and unlike her I actually know how behave in public!” Lightning Dust tore away a chunk of the cloud she was resting on with her teeth in frustration. “For Celestia’s sake, she’s almost as bad as her stupid hick parents.” Pausing for a moment to take a deep breath and calm herself, Lightning Dust felt a wicked grin spread across her features. “Well, if heating things up wasn’t enough to throw a wrench into her date, then maybe I should try cooling things down instead. I’ll bet getting soaked by a storm cloud would be enough to put a damper on Rainbow Dash’s little romance.” Cackling to herself, Lightning Dust flew off to find a sufficiently waterlogged cloud.

Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, was cheerfully oblivious to the machinations of her one-time rival overhead. “Man, those were some good pretzels,” Rainbow Dash declared before belching loudly as she crumpled up the empty bag. To Rainbow Dash’s delight her behavior seemed to be having the desired effect on Prince Blueblood, who appeared distinctly uncomfortable. “I almost feel kinda bad for him,” Rainbow Dash thought to herself. “But this is his own fault for not taking a hind before. Alright, time for phase tow; Operation act like mom does at everything I’ve ever done. Ever.”

The resultant sounds of Rainbow Dash cheering carried up into the night sky, where they proceeded to further enrage her stalker. “And now she’s yelling like an idiot. Seriously, what was Spitfire thinking accepting somepony like that into the Wonderbolts instead of me?” Lightning Dust let out an angry snort as she lined up a rumbling storm cloud with the object of her ire. “At least watching Rainbow Dash get soaked by this thing should put me in a better mood. Now, all I have to do is shove it just hard enough…” Lighting Dust backed away from the storm cloud before suddenly charging straight for it to knock it towards her target. Unfortunately, as she approached the storm cloud it choose that moment to strike out with a bolt of lightning. The sudden shock sent Lightning Dust tumbling out of control, turning what was supposed to have been a relatively precise push into a full on body check, sending the cloud hurtling towards the concert audience.

All of this had gone largely unnoticed by Rainbow Dash, however, who was focused on performing a one-pony wave. “Whoo! Oh yeah! You play that cello!” Rainbow Dash yelled out, drawing disapproving glares from everypony present. Even Prince Blueblood himself was clearly straining to keep himself from saying something. “This is awesome! If I can just push a little further I think I’ll finally be rid of Blueblood for good,” Rainbow Dash thought. “I kinda feel sorry for the ponies on stage, though. Good thing I already talked with Pinkie Pie about getting them all apology treats when this is finished.”

“Um, pardon me, Rainbow Dash,” Price Blueblood said hesitantly as Rainbow Dash drew in her breath for another round of cheering. “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but perhaps you should – LOOK OUT!”

Confused, Rainbow Dash turned her head to see the rogue storm cloud bearing down on them. Without a moment’s hesitation, Rainbow Dash rocketed out of her seat towards the approaching threat, shedding her dress in the process. Rainbow Dash impacted the cloud with a thud which was immediately followed by a muffled explosion as a sonic rainboom ripped the cloud to pieces. As Rainbow Dash brushed herself off she paused to revel the appreciative cheers of the audience. At least, until Rainbow Dash’s ears picked out the cheers of one particular admirer.

“Did you see that? Oh glorious champion of my heart, you’re bravery truly knows no limits,” Prince Blueblood loudly gushed, much to Rainbow Dash’s horror.

*********

“You know, I have to admit to Everfree Forrest does have a certain, what’s the term Fancy Pants is so fond of, ‘rustic charm’. It simply can’t compare to the Royal Gardens in Canterlot, of course, but still,” Prince Blueblood said as he trotted down the path next to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash, however, wasn’t listening to a word Prince Blueblood was saying. Instead, most of Rainbow Dash’s attention was focused on the section of the path they were approaching that skirted a massive mud hole. “Ok, so once we walk by the mud I’ll ‘trip’ and knock us both in. Then, when Blueblood complains I’ll make fun of him for being a wimp,” Rainbow Dash thought to herself, cackling softly as she plotted.

“I’m sorry, did you say something?” Prince Blueblood said, shaking Rainbow Dash back to reality.

“Oh, no, I was just…thinking back to my time at the Wonderbolts Academy,” Rainbow Dash replied quickly with the first thing that popped into her head.

“Ah, a sudden bout of nostalgia for the past?” Prince Blueblood said knowingly. “I can understand that. Even when you’ve reached heights that other, lesser ponies can only dream of it can still be enjoyable to reflect on past successes. Why, I can still recall the thrill of being voted as having the most brilliant smile in Equestria,” Prince Blueblood added as he gave Rainbow Dash a demonstration.

“Just keep him talking, only a few more feet to go,” Rainbow Dash thought. “Well, I was the top recruit at the Wonderbolt Academy. By the time I was finished with that place I had broken pretty much every record they had.” As Rainbow Dash boasted she eyed the approaching mud hole, adjusting her pace so she’d be in an optimal position to knock into Prince Blueblood. “Basically, I was pretty much the best recruit the Wonderbolts ever had.”

“That’s it!” an enraged voice thundered out from overhead. Moments later, a sea foam green blur plummeted down from the sky, crashing into Rainbow Dash and sending her sprawling into the mud. “Like hay you were the best recruit at the academy! I was the best! And if it wasn’t for you I’d already be a Wonderbolt!”

Dazed form the impact, Rainbow Dash pulled herself out from under her assailant and turned to take a look at her. “Wha – huh? Lightning Dust, is that you?”

“My darling, are you alright?” Prince Blueblood called down as he paced along the edge of the path, not wanting to descend into the mud himself. “Do you actually know this ruffian?”

“Darn right she does! I was the top recruit at the Wonderbolt Academy until Rainbow Dash here somehow convinced Spitfire to kick me out. Ever since then, Rainbow Dash has been scheming to keep me out of the Wonderbolts because she knows if I joined everypony would see how much better I am!”

“What? That’s crazy, I never did anything to keep you out of the Wonderbolts,” Rainbow Dash yelled.

“Oh yeah? Then explain why I got rejected by the Wonderbolt Reserves?” Lightning Dust demanded. “Or do you expect me to believe that the Wonderbolts would have turned down somepony like me just because of some lousy history test.”

“Hey, being able to pass the History of the Wonderbolts test is important so you can properly represent their history,” Rainbow Dash countered with rising anger. “And what the hay are you even doing in Ponyville anyway?”

“It was bad enough knowing you were a Wonderbolt instead of me, but then I heard you were actually dating a prince!” Lightning Dust snapped.

“Wait a minute,” Prince Blueblood said as he gingerly stepped of the path towards the two mares. “I believe I’m beginning to see what’s going on here. The dress, the soup, the incident at the concert, it all makes so much sense now.”

“Yeah, no kidding –“

“This entire evening has been a complete farce that you concocted with this former associate of yours in a misguided effort to impress me!” Prince Blueblood declared as he pointed an accusing hoof at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash said nothing in response, merely tilting her head to one side as she tried and failed to comprehend Prince Blueblood’s leaps in logic.

“It’s all so obvious in hindsight, I’m honestly embarrassed that I didn’t put it together sooner. First, there was the display at the restaurant, clearly an attempt to garner sympathy for yourself. Then, you try and impress me at the concert with some staged heroics. That bit was very convincing, by the way, although I’m certain nopony was ever in any real peril. Now I don’t know what your plan was for our little stroll here, but it would appear that your boasting had derailed your plans.” Prince Blueblood snorted with disdain. “Frankly, I’m rather shocked you’d resort to such tactics.”

While a dumbfounded Rainbow Dash stood staring at Prince Blueblood in confusion, Lighting Dust quickly stepped forward. “You’re absolutely right, that’s exactly what was going on. I didn’t want to, of course, but Rainbow Dash offered to get me a position with the Wonderbolts…” As Lightning Dust spoke, she shot an evil glance back at Rainbow Dash.

“I did what?” Rainbow Dash protested. “I never said – I mean I’d never do something like that!” Rainbow Dash sputtered unable to choose which of Lightning Dust’s claims she wanted to dispute first.

Prince Blueblood, however, didn’t appear to be listening. “Miss Dash, I’m afraid it has become painfully clear that you’re not the mare that I thought you were. As much as it truly hurts me to say this, I don’t believe that a relationship would work out between us.”

“Look on the bright side, your highness, I’m sure a handsome stallion like you won’t have any problems finding a mare who’s worth your time,” Lightning Dust cooed.

Prince Blueblood looked down at Lightning Dust with an appraising look in his eye. “Perhaps that’s true. Tell me, are you from around here by any chance?”

Lightning Dust snorted in response. “This dump? Please, Ponyville is so backwards they still have dirt roads for Celestia’s sake!”

“Finally, somepony who understands!” Prince Blueblood exclaimed laughing. “I mean I realize farm ponies are infatuated with dirt but proper paving exists for a reason.” Both Prince Blueblood and Lightning Dust burst out laughing at this remark. As their laughter finally died down, Prince Blueblood found himself staring into Lightning Dust’s eyes. “Miss Dust, would I be too forward if I were to ask you to accompany me back to the inn where I’m staying. It’s hardly up to the standards of the establishments one would find in Canterlot, but it would at least give you someplace to clean up.”

“Too forward?” Lightning Dust replied with a laugh. “Are you kidding? I love it when a stallion’s forward, it saves time getting to the good parts.” Flicking her tail at Rainbow Dash, Lightning Dust allowed a deeply blushing Prince Blueblood to lead her back to the road. As Lightning Dust started to trot off, however, she pause to turn her head and stick her tongue out at Rainbow Dash before hurrying to catch up with Prince Blueblood.

Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, stood alone in the mud trying to process the sheer illogic of what had just happened. “So, I managed to get rid of Blueblood…who looks like he’s now head over hooves for Lightning Dust…who apparently was trying to get some sort of revenge on me for some reason,” Rainbow Dash pondered out loud. After spending a minute or two more mentally unraveling the night’s events, however, Rainbow Dash concluded that she didn’t particularly care at this point. “The important thing is that I managed to get Blueblood to stop trying to romance me. And besides, he and Lighting Dust kinda deserve each other.”

Love At First Buck

If there is one aspect of Equestrian society that transcends social class it would undoubtedly be the love ponies have for festivities of kinds. Be it a fair, rodeo, or just a spontaneous party, ponies love an excuse to celebrate. The social elite of Canterlot were no exception to this and as such their social calendars were inevitably awash with balls, soirees and dinner parties aplenty. Of course, like almost everything else the members of Canterlot’s high society engaged in parties were seen as a way to one up their fellows. As such, there was a never-ending effort to host the most elaborate party with the most exclusive and important guests in attendance. One such pony named High Hat had succeeded in drawing a particularly impressive assortment of guests to his Spring Fling Ball, largely thanks to his managing to arrange for the Wonderbolts to perform. A feat which several guest could hardly believe even after seeing the performance.

“Basically, this High Hat gut called in a favor General Bomb Cyclone owed him,” Rainbow Dash explained. “And when one of the highest ranking pegasus in the guard tells the Wonderbolts to do a show, we do a show. On the plus side, have you seen the buffet table they have here? They’ve got like six different kinds of mushrooms!”

“I must admit, High Hat really has gone to rather extravagant lengths for this little soiree of his,” Rarity replied. “To be honest, I’m afraid it almost crosses the line into becoming gauche. Still, parties like this always drive up demand for my formal gowns so I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much.”

“Heh. Anyway, it’ll be nice to go to one of these things without having to deal with somepony trying to get me kicked out of the Wonderbolts.” The two friends shared a laugh as they worked their way across the ballroom floor.

Unfortunately, what had otherwise been a pleasant if uneventful evening came to a screeching halt as Rarity overhead a voice she had hoped she’d never run into again. “-so I told Starry Night ‘maybe you should have him throw himself out a window too!’” Uneasily, Rarity turned her head to see Prince Blueblood laughing at his own joke, surrounded by a number of other high society ponies doing likewise. Rarity noted, however, that many of Prince Blueblood’s hangers on would roll their eyes on give him looks of disgust whenever he wasn’t looking.

“Rainbow Dash, perhaps we could head outside? Or anywhere else that isn’t right here,” Rarity pleaded as she tried to steer her friend away from Prince Blueblood’s group.

“Hey, isn’t that the jerk you were trying to get all romance novel with the first time we went to the Grand Galloping Gala?” Rainbow Dash asked as they passed by, just loudly enough to catch Prince Blueblood’s attention.

“Is that…my word, Rarity, is that you?” Prince Blueblood called out. “I’m surprised to see you here of all ponies. High Hat must really have invited everypony in Canterlot if you’re here.” As Prince Blueblood spoke, his gang of sycophants began to slowly back away, as if they wanted to distance themselves from the rapidly approaching confrontation.

Rarity, however, was not about to allow herself to be cowed by a pompous idiot like Prince Blueblood. While Rarity would have preferred to avoid a confrontation, if Prince Blueblood wanted a fight then he would have one. “Why Prince Blueblood, how nice it is to see you. I mean, I must have missed you at Fancy Pants’ last dinner party…and Haute Monde’s charity auction…and at the delightful garden party Smart Set hosted. Surely you must have been invited to at least one of those little soirees,” Rarity added with a note of mock innocence. In truth, Rarity knew for a fact that the general perception of Prince Blueblood as a self-absorbed oaf kept him off the guest lists to quite a few gatherings.

“Yes, well, a pony of my social standing does have to pick and choose which events he attends,” Prince Blueblood quickly retorted. “Though clearly that isn’t a problem you need to contend with. I will say, though, you seem to have done quite well for yourself, all things considered. Where was it that you’re from, again? Ponyville, wasn’t it?” Prince Blueblood asked with a sneer.

Rarity opened her mouth to remind Prince Blueblood how much prestige Ponyville had acquired as of late (along with an admonishment to keep up with current events). Before Rarity could get a word out, however, she found herself cut off by an angered Rainbow Dash. “You got a problem with Ponyville?” Rainbow Dash snarled.

“Oh, not at all,” Prince Blueblood replied with a smirk, glad to have a new, less articulate target. “After all, farming communities are the very foundation of Equestria. It’s just that the ponies from those places would normally be more at home at a ‘hoedown’ than a…more cultured event. Take that scruffy farm pony that set up a food cart at the Grand Galloping Gala a few years ago, for example. I mean, it’s gauche enough to try selling food at the Gala on its own, but to offer common carnival fare?” Prince Blueblood snorted derisively. “For the life of me I can’t fathom how a common rube like that even managed to acquire a ticket to the Gala in the first place.” While Rainbow Dash said nothing in response, there was mounting rage clearly building in her eyes. “Then again, as a Wonderbolt I’m sure you’re no stranger to having to deal with outrageous behavior. I don’t mean you and the other Wonderbolts, of course,” Prince Blueblood quickly added. “I have nothing but respect for the Wonderbolts themselves. But the way your fans sometimes behave is just beyond the pale. The absolute worst were a pair of buffoons I saw attending a show at the Canterlot arena not too long ago. I’m certain you’d remember those two, they were dressed like clowns and shooting off fireworks. Personally, I can’t even believe a pair of graceless simpletons like that were even –“

Blueblood’s rant was abruptly cut off as Rainbow Dash delivered a vicious uppercut to his chin. Rainbow Dash had been growing increasingly incensed at Blueblood’s behavior already and his insulting of her parents had proven to be the last straw. “If you think I’m just gonna sit there while you make fun of my parents then you’ve got another thing coming!” Rainbow Dash yelled as the dazed Blueblood lay on the floor.

“Alright then, I think that’s quite enough for one night,” a Trottingham-accented voice quickly interjected. Moments later, the owner of the voice was revealed to be to none other than Fancy Pants, who interposed himself between Rainbow Dash and Blueblood. “Miss Rarity, I think perhaps it would be best if you and your friend accompany me to the veranda so everypony has a chance to calm themselves.”

Rarity said nothing, only quietly nodding her head in response. Inwardly, however, Rarity’s mind was racing in a blind panic. “Oh dear Celestia, I’m ruined! Once word gets out that one of my friends punched out Prince Blueblood I’ll be a complete pariah! Darn it, Rainbow Dash, what in Equestria were you thinking?” Rarity continued to silently panicking as Fancy Pants led her and Rainbow Dash outside. Fancy Pants himself remained quiet until they were all safely outside.

“Rainbow Dash, isn’t it?” Fancy Pants began as he levitated the doors behind them shut. “Now that we’re alone, I just have to say jolly good show laying out that embarrassment to Canterlot!”

“Wait, what?” Rarity exclaimed as her brain struggled to process what she was hearing.

“I didn’t catch what led up to Miss Dash’s blow, but I know that preening imbecile Blueblood well enough to gather that he rightly deserved what he got. To be quite honest I found your knocking him on his rump to be rather cathartic and I suspect that quite a few of my peers felt likewise.”

“So, you’re not angry about any of this?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Hmph, if I’m upset about anything it’s at how Prince Blueblood continues to perpetuate the stereotype that we unicorns of Canterlot are nothing more than pompous idiots,” Fancy Pants replied irritably. “Rest assured, Miss Dash, there’s no need for you to worry about my being upset over what just happened. Unfortunately, though, I can’t guarantee that everypony concerned feels the same way,” Fancy Pants added as he glanced up at the sky.

“Crash! You wanna tell me what the hay just happened?” Spitfire yelled as she descended on the group from the sky. “Somepony just told me that you knocked Prince Blueblood on his rump. I should not have to tell you that you do not assault VIPs as a Wonderbolt!”

“I’m sure that ‘assault’ would be the correct term to use in this particular instance,” Fancy Pants interjected. “I witnessed the exchange and I can assure you that Miss Dash was quite provoked. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that her reaction was rather justified.”

Spitfire calmed slightly at this, apparently somewhat mollified by Fancy Pants’ assurances. “Huh, is that so? Well, if you’re willing to vouch for her then I guess that changes the situation a little.” Spitfire turned back to Rainbow Dash. “Alright, Crash, since Fancy Pants here is willing to back you up then I’m willing to let you off easy. This time,” Spitfire added with an angry glare. “You’re still on probation for the next two months and you do not want me to catch you pulling a stunt like this again. Is that understood?”

“Yes ma’am,” Rainbow Dash replied as she swallowed nervously.

*********

“So what happened then?” Applejack asked.

“Me and Rarity went back in and the rest of the night pretty much went by like nothing happened. I didn’t even see Blueblood at all, either,” Rainbow Dash added. “That jerk was probably off somewhere hiding from me.”

“Either that, or he was planning some sort of retribution,” Rarity cautioned. Several days had passed since the events of the party, and Rarity had finally calmed down enough to join Rainbow Dash and Applejack for lunch and discuss what had happened. “I’m still not convinced that we’ve heard the last of Prince Blueblood over what happened.”

“Come on, Rarity, what’s that loser going to actually do? He’s just some stuck up blowhard who acts like a jerk to everypony around him,” Rainbow Dash said confidently. “There’s no way he’d ever actually work up the nerve to really try something.”

Even as Rainbow Dash spoke, however, Pinkie Pie came bouncing up to her friends. “Hey, Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie Pie called out as she came to a halt at her friend’s table with a look on her face that said she had some sort of exciting news that she was eager to share. “I’ve been looking all over for you. You’re never going to guess what happened; I was at the train station to get some inspiration for my National Locomotive Day party next week and this really fancy-looking stallion got off the train and started asking about where he could find you.”

“A ‘fancy-looking stallion’?” Rainbow Dash asked uneasily. “Pinkie, was this guy a unicorn with a white coat and blonde mane?”

“Ooh, so you do know him!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed happily.

Rainbow Dash, however, was no longer paying any attention. “Aw crud, what the hay am I gonna do? I’m already in enough trouble with Spitfire as it is because of what happened. If Blueblood starts something while I’m on probation it could be really bad for me.”

“Whatever are you going to do, darling?” Rarity asked.

“Well I can tell you what I’m not going to do, and that’s let myself get suckered into a fight while I’m still on probation. Running away really isn’t normally my thing, but –“

“Y’all don’t need to explain anythin’, RD,” Applejack assured her friend. “We’ll take care of keepin’ Blueblood from makin’ things any worse fer y’ while y’all skedaddle.”

“Agreed, although I think it might be best if I find Twilight,” Rarity added. “Prince Blueblood clearly holds a fair bit of animosity towards me as a result of our first encounter, so I rather doubt I’ll be able to dissuade him from whatever it is he’s planning. Twilight, on the other hoof, is somepony that Prince Blueblood will have to listen to.”

“Thanks, you guys are the best,” Rainbow Dash said as she took to the air. “I’m going to head over to Twilight’s and hide out there until this whole thing blows over.” With that, Rainbow Dash rocketed off in the direction of Twilight’s castle.

“Can’t say Ah blame her under the circumstances,” Applejack sighed as she watched Rainbow Dash vanish from sight. “This Blueblood fella seems like he’d be a pain to deal with under the best of circumstances, and what with RD bein’ on probation and all…”

“It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if that is the precise reason for Prince Blueblood’s visit – to provoke Rainbow Dash into doing something that could ruin her position with the Wonderbolts,” Rarity said. “In any event, I think it would be best if we dealt with this quickly for Rainbow Dash’s sake.”

*********

Luckily for Applejack, it didn’t take long for her to track down Prince Blueblood, especially with Pinkie Pie’s assistance. Even in a town as increasingly diverse as Ponyville, the snobbish prince managed to draw attention to himself. “Ugh, this town is so backwards that it’s positively primitive! I mean, dirt roads? Does nopony here understand what proper paving material is? My coat is going to be positively filthy after trudging through all this.”

“Well if y’all think it’s so horrible then why the hay didn’t y’ stay in Canterlot?” Applejack grumbled to herself as she approached Prince Blueblood. “Pardon me, uh, yer highness,” Applejack called out uncertainly as she approached Prince Blueblood.

“Finally, somepony who at least knows how to properly address me,” Prince Blueblood snorted with a note of approval. “Now, I’m currently very busy looking for somepony at the moment, so unless you know where I can find a pegasus mare named ‘Rainbow Dash’…”

“Actually, that’s exactly what Ah wanted to talk to y’all about,” Applejack replied.

“Ah, so you know where I can find her then! Excellent, lead on.”

“Now hold on there, Ah didn’t say Ah was plannin’ on takin’ y’all to her. Rainbow Dash is a good friend of mine and Ah was hopin’ that y’all’d be willin’ to talk things out before –“

“Hmph, well if you don’t intend to make yourself useful and help me then I’ll have to ask you step aside,” Prince Blueblood snorted haughtily. “My time is far too valuable to waste it explaining myself to some random peasant.”

“Some random…? Just who the hay do y’all think y’ are?” Applejack demanded angrily.

“Who I am is one of the most important members of the unicorn nobility, able to trace my linage back to the very founding of Equestria. Now, why don’t you run off and go dig in the dirt like a good little farm pony?” Prince Blueblood said with a sneer. “Really, I’d think commoners would know better than to interfere with the affairs of their betters, but I suppose that’s what poor breeding will get you.”

Pinkie Pie, who had been remaining uncharacteristically quiet throughout the exchange, was now forced to grab hold of Applejack and physically restrain her. “You low-down, puffed-up spoiled geldin’! Ah’ve got half a mind to buck yer worthless hide all the way back to Canterlot!”

“Oh, I haven’t seen Applejack this upset since Mayor Mare declared strawberries as the official town fruit,” Pinkie Pie moaned as she strained to keep Applejack from doing something she’d inevitably regret.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Pinkie Pie breathed an audible sigh of relief as Twilight’s voice rang out. At the same time both Prince Blueblood and Applejack found themselves enveloped in a sparkling magenta light and pulled away from one another. “I want both of you to calm down right now!” Twilight commanded as she descended down to the street. “Now, Applejack, I want you to take a few deep breaths and settle down. I’ll take care of things from here, alright?”

“But did y’all hear what that condescendin’…” Applejack’s rant rapidly died on her lips as she saw the irritated glare on Twilight’s features. “Fine, Ah’ll leave the prince to y’all, Twilight,” Applejack grumbled before backing off, continuing to mutter oaths under her breath as she did so.

“Well done, Princess Twilight, I see you truly have a knack for managing the members of the lower classes,” Prince Blueblood remarked approvingly.

“That ‘member of the lower classes’ happens to be one of my closest friends,” Twilight said with an unmistakable edge in her voice. “And I sincerely doubt Applejack would have reacted like that if you had shown her some basic courtesy, which from what I’ve heard is a recurring problem with you.”

Prince Blueblood winced slightly at Twilight’s comment. “Yes, well I do admit I’ve never had much success dealing with commoners. In any event, I can only assume that you learned of my visit to this…quaint little village and have come to greet me. While I do sincerely appreciate the honor of your taking the time to see me, I would like to humbly request that we dispense with the usual ceremony involved in a royal visit. You see, I’ve actually come here to resolve a rather…personal issue and I’d rather resolve it on my own.”

“To be honest, I’ve already heard about what happened from Rainbow Dash herself, who also is a very good friend of mine,” Twilight said in a level tone. “Now, I can understand how you feel given what happened at that party, but here are better ways to go about resolving all this.”

“If you’re trying to talk me out of seeking out Miss Rainbow Dash then I’m afraid you’re wasting your time, your highness,” Blueblood replied with a surprising amount of conviction. “My feelings regarding this Rainbow Dash are simply too powerful for me to ignore them. I’ve come to Ponyville to find her and Celestia as my witness I intend to do just that!”

Twilight took a deep breath before attempting a different approach. “Alright, obviously you feel very strongly about this situation, but do you really think that behaving like this is appropriate form a member of the nobility?”

Prince Blueblood actually paused for a moment as he seemed to consider what Twilight had just said. “I suppose you may have a point there. In which case, what do you propose I do?”

Inwardly, Twilight breathed a sigh of relief at Prince Blueblood’s response. At the very least, it seemed as though appealing to Prince Blueblood’s overblown pride appeared to have gotten his attention. Before Twilight could capitalize on this and voice a suggestion that Prince Blueblood allow her to mediate a peaceful resolution to the whole debacle, however, a voice called out from above that ruined Twilight’s plans. “Hey! Blueblood! I heard you were looking for me!” A dumbstruck Twilight looked up to see Rainbow Dash descend out of the sky until she was hovering just overhead.

“Rainbow, what in Celestia’s name are you doing?” Twilight asked as she recovered from the stuck of Rainbow Dash’s sudden appearance.

“I was thinking about what I was doing while I was waiting in your castle and I realized that sitting around letting my friends deal with my problems just wasn’t me. This is my mess and I need to deal with it myself.” Rainbow Dash turned to Prince Blueblood. “So what do you have to say to me that’s so important that you followed me all the way to my hometown?”

“Ever since our encounter at High Hat’s party I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you,” Prince Blueblood began, a surprising amount of conviction in his voice. “I’ve replayed that exchange over and over again in my mind, night and day without a moment’s respite. I’m ashamed, honestly, that it’s taken me this long to realize what all of this means.”

Rainbow Dash regarded Prince Blueblood uneasily. “What exactly are you –“

“I’m in love with you!” Prince Blueblood declared, falling to his knees as he did so. “Oh, rainbow-maned Amarezonian goddess, your fiery passion has ensnared my very soul. Tell me you’ll permit me to be your stallion, your prisoner of love.”

Several seconds ticked by in silence as Rainbow Dash processed her reaction to this revelation. Eventually, Rainbow Dash hit upon a response which perfectly encapsulated her emotions at that moment. “WHAT?”

*********

While Rainbow Dash was facing a declaration of love from the second most undesirable stallion to ever show interest in her, another pony from Rainbow Dash’s past landed at the edge of Ponyville. “Get ready, Rainbow Dash,” the cloaked figure snarled as she looked down at Ponyville. “You’re going to pay for everything you’ve taken from me!”