An Unreasonable Amount of Seats for an Unreasonablerer Amount of Pony Posteriors
Twilight stood in front of her friends (and Spike) in the entrance hall of her castle. “We have a problem,” she intoned, voice completely devoid of emotion unless you counted ‘deadpan’.
“What is it?” Rainbow rose a foot into the air, jabbing a few punches at empty air as she hovered back and forth. “Another monster attack? Another ancient evil returning? Another friendship problem from the Map?”
Twilight raised a hoof, then paused and brought it to her forehead instead. “First off, it’s a little depressing how I can’t think of a good rebuke to that ‘another ancient evil’ comment.” She sighed. “And no, it’s none of those. It’s a problem of a more mundane nature… or maybe abstract.”
“Awww…” Rainbow slumped back down to the ground. “This isn’t about helping you with resolving building codes again, is it? Because I like beating up bureaucrats as much as the next pony, but some of those got downright mean with staplers.”
“It’s nothing like that, either. It’s just… ugh…” Twilight grimaced. “A tradition. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna call it ‘The Game Of Thrones’.”
Her five friends (and one dragon ~~serf~~ assistant) all stared at her in confusion for a moment until Fluttershy slowly shuffled her hooves. “Uhm… are you sure that it’s nothing important? Because it kind of sounds like it is.”
Rainbow Dash tilted her head, slightly. “So… is it an ancient evil boardgame?”
“Oh don’t be silly.” Rarity sniffed. “Something like that is obviously an euphemism for sensitive and vital discussion of politics, the distribution of power and legislation.”
“Oooh! Oooh!” Pinkie bounced up and down excitedly. “Maybe it’s a cursed game that sucks everypony into an alternate dimension where we each have to rule a maredieval kingdom with an army and fight each other to the death just to get back home, but since we’d never do anything like that we would either have to fight the game itself or it would just be over in a couple minutes when we all make peace, which sounds kind of anticlimactic but then again this is a comedy one-shot.”
Applejack stared at Pinkie, blinking a few times as she parsed that sentence, then shook her head and turned back to Twilight with a half-lidded stare. “It’s musical chairs, ain’t it?”
“To answer your questions, in turn.” Twilight’s eye twitched slightly as she looked over her friends. “Yes, I’m sure; no, it isn’t; no, it really isn’t; please don’t ever say ‘maredieval’ in my presence again; and yes, Applejack. Yes, it’s musical chairs.” She deflated slightly. “Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Cadance and I have been playing it at least once a month up in Canterlot ever since my ascension.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “So if y’all have been doin’ that for over a year now up in Canterlot, what’s it suddenly got to do with us?”
Twilight’s eye twitched again. “Well, you see…”
~~~~~ wavy flashback noises | Pinkie, cut that out | awww, I’m just trying to set the mood ~~~~~
Twilight gave a content sigh as she stretched out her back, fluffing her wings before settling back down and turning the page of the large tome she was reading. The current chapter had a fascinating treatise on Princess Luna jumping out of the pages and right into her personal space yelling at the top of her Royal Canterlot Lungs, apparently.
“Twilight Sparkle, We have–”
“Gah!”
Twilight fell out of her bed with a crash, thankfully softened by the thick carpet she’d had laid over the much harder and colder crystal floor. She groaned and twitched her legs for a moment before sleepily grabbing the edge of her bed and pulling herself up.
*bang*“Twilight Sparkle, We have distressing news!”
“Gah!”
Only to fall right back to the floor deafened and blinded as Princess Luna appeared in a flash of magic far too bright for the supposed Princess of the Night.
“This is no time to be foaling around!” Luna spread her wings, pacing a circle on the bed. “Time is of the essence!”
“Good evening, Princess Luna, how nice of you to show up uninvited, please take a seat, feel right at home,” Twilight grumbled, pulling herself back into a sitting position at the edge of the bed. “What is going on, why can’t it wait until the morning, and can you just point me at it so I can take out my rather considerable pain and frustrations on it?”
“Don’t be silly. This is nothing as simple as defeating a villain. No, it’s far more grave than that. I have just realized that your castle has six thrones!”
“What? What does that have to do with oh Celestia this is about that game again, isn’t it?” Twilight whimpered, casting a spell to summon a bottle of aspirin from her bathroom.
“Indeed!” Luna posed proudly, wings spread out. “For what other game could possibly be as important as this?”
“...instead of answering that, let me ask you a question.” Twilight’s eye twitched, her hooves pulling down her cheeks in exasperation. “Why now? You were here when the castle grew out of the ground. You were in the map room, you’ve known this for a year.” She paused. “Also, you forgot Spike’s throne. So it’s seven thrones.” Another pause. “Well, six and a half, maybe.”
Luna’s pose faltered slightly, a blush barely visible in the darkness. “Yes, well, I might have forgotten about it. That is, We just did not realize the implications until this night. Obviously we would never–”
*bang*“Twilight, we have a problem!”
“Gah!”
Twilight rubbed her eyes, kicking her hind legs in the air as she tried to ‘walk off’ the burning pain in her retinas. “Seriously?!”
“This isn’t the time for arguing, Twilight!” Celestia looked down at the younger princess imperiously, ignoring the twitching from where her wing had flung her sister clean across the room upon her arrival. “I just realized that your castle has seven thrones!”
“Six and a half…” muttered Twilight blinking the spots out of her eyes with a scowl. “I would say something about great minds thinking alike, but Applejack taught me too well to lie that blatantly. So instead I’m just going to say nothing on the matter just like she does every other time because apparently that doesn’t clash with her sense of honesty even though it usually doesn’t work out any better.” She got to her hooves, standing up tall. “Although I feel there is one important thing I need to say on the matter.”
“Yes?” Celestia leaned in slightly while Luna moved next to her, having recovered from her crash.
“IT’S 2 AM!” Twilight lit her horn, magic wrapping around the two alicorns before sending them away with a pop of magic. “GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM!”
“Huh…” Rainbow rubbed her chin. “So that really was Celestia and Luna climbing out of the fountain last night? Guess I owe Cloud Kicker five bucks.”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “You mean you owe her five Bits for a bet you made on the matter?”
“Nah, it means I need to keep two or three evenings clear in my schedule to act as her wingpony.” Rainbow shrugged, then hummed thoughtfully. “Could probably cut it down to just one if I bring her a can of Red ‘Taur and maybe find her a pair of twins…”
Everyone stared at her, until Twilight spun on her hooves and started marching deeper into the castle. “Ignoring that. Moving on. Moving on towards the map room, that is, because the preparations should be just about finished.”
The others scrambled to catch up with her, Applejack moving up next to Twilight. “So, just so we got this right, y’all just want to play a game of musical chair with us? That’s the big deal?”
Twilight sighed. “Yes, that’s it. It’s something about a tradition for Celestia and Luna and a reminder of their childhood, which makes the whole concept a bit more bearable.” She trotted into the entrance chamber, waving to another group of mares already waiting. “And on that note, since the game already isn’t restricted to alicorn princesses anymore, I decided to invite Trixie, Starlight Glimmer and Tempest Shadow. Because some ponies keep complaining that I let them off the hook too easily for what they did, and because suffering shared is suffering mitigated by a healthy amount of schadenfreude.”
Rarity raised a hoof
“And no, Blueblood’s butler is not invited. He is actually exvited to these events. There’s suffering, and then there’s cruel and unusual torture.” Twilight shuddered at the thought.
“Aww, I think you’re being too serious about this. This is going to be fun!” Pinkie giggled and pronked past Twilight, grabbing the handles of the double doors to the map room and pulling.
“No, Pinkie! Don’t–”
*shlooorp*
Twilight winced as the doors were flung open by a tidal wave of viscous brown fluid, rolling past them and taking along both Pinkie and a makeshift boat carrying CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS THRONE BUILDERS, YAY!
Twilight stared after the rolling mass of tree sap for a moment, then glanced at the immaculately clean map room before staring after the mass of sap a bit more. “Well, I suppose that takes care of the main concern…”
“You mean my sister and her friends?” Rarity asked, just as shell-shocked.
“Actually I was talking about Pinkie Pie. No offense to her, but you all remember the last time she organized a game of musical chairs.”
Fluttershy shuddered, growing pale and getting a haunted look. “That music did not agree with that game, or basic equine anatomy…”
Everypony stared down the hallway the flood had disappeared again, flinching slightly as Pinkie’s voice echoed down the crystal halls. “Is that you, Smoozey? Oh wowie, you must be about 60 percent tree sap by body mass! Twilight always tells me that’s how much of me is cupcakes, we should open a club!”
Starlight looked around nervously before venturing hesitantly. “Uhm, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the Smooze the friend of–”
“Pinkie Pie’s replacement, that’s right.” Discord appeared beside her and pulled the unicorn close with one arm, before pausing and glancing back at his smoking tail. “...huh, I think I just burned myself a little with that one. Well, that just won’t do.” He hummed thoughtfully, then snapped his fingers and appearing in a puff of smoke right in front of Twilight, juggling some pies. “You see, I’m not just any old substitute for your pink friend, and not as good as one or even two of her. No, I daresay I’m as good as 3=π”
Twilight froze, her whole body spasming for several seconds before she calmed down again, forcing a rictus grin. “That’s great. If you’ll excuse me, I think I still need to get the gramophone for the music. Let me know when Celestia, Luna and Cadance arrive.” She stalked past him, disappearing down another hallway.
Trixie shuffled her feet awkwardly before gesturing at a large gramophone sitting next to her. “Starlight and Trixie actually already got one… should Trixie go after her to let her know?”
Spike waved off. “Nah, she’s not actually looking for a gramophone. That way leads to the bar.”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack both blinked. “This castle has a bar?”
Spike shrugged. “The Tree of Harmony works in mysterious ways. I guess sometimes you can protect Equestria by talking things out, sometimes you need a rainbow laser, and sometimes you need 20 oz. of bourbon to calm down a stressed alicorn before she turns to dark magic.”
“Personally, I always liked destroying architecture when I was feeling stressed or frustrated,” Tempest noted casually, then glanced down at a strip of lights lighting up the floor under her hooves and leading down the hallway Twilight had gone. She tilted her head slightly, then began to canter after the lights. “Self-preservation, huh? I can respect that.”
Discord blinked as the others began to fall in after her, leaving down the hall. He huffed and crossed his arms, floating upside down petulantly. “This is just because I can’t get drunk, isn’t it?” He watched the lights flicker in amusement, narrowing his eyes. “Yes, well… and you’re a mail-order silicone implant who’s only here because some spoilsport tree is feeling insecure about his height. So there.”
