Knock It Off

by Autumn Wind

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Shining Armor
Length: 1141

Shining Armor returns from an expedition with Flurry Heart's destined crown. There is more to the jewel than meets the eye.

The Crystal Empire is host to many ruins and ancient temples. After braving one such piece of lost civilization, Shining Armor proudly returns to his wife with a mysterious treasure, rumored to be their daughter's future crown.

... this may or may not be a significant embellishment.

Written for the Springtime Sandbox-Slash-Sandbox Switcheroo, as a sequel-slash-inspired-by-piece based on Georg's How Many Princesses Does It Take.

With thanks to my editors: Saddlesoap Opera (shout-out for the cover art), Patchwork Poltergeist, Blue Thrush, and Cthuluigi.

Published 2018-04-23 10:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-23 10:50:06 UTC

A Unique Treasure From a Foreign Land

The Crystal Empire was tranquil once more. Thanks to Princess Cadance’s timely intervention, the Crystal Heart hummed pleasantly, and the city was free of apocalyptic snowstorms. Much cheering was heard as the crystalline populace emerged from their snow-covered homes, assembling in a great chorus around the plaza as they celebrated the end of this difficult period.

“It’s about time!” Cadance groaned, wiping droplets of sweat off of her brow as the Crystal Heart’s ripcord rolled back in. “I swear this thing gets harder to rev up every year. What was Sombra thinking, topping it off with diesel? I really should have taken the time to clean the engine while it was still in pieces.”

The empress of the Crystal Empire beckoned the Royal Secretary to her side. “Tourmaline, when Shining returns from his expedition, please let him know that I’m be resting at the palace. Also, please tell him that next time, he should be around to do his job as the Royal Husband and start up this cantankerous snowblower himself. My foreleg is killing me.”

Tourmaline raised one of her glittering forehooves, so as to ask a question, but judged best to remain silent. It was better not to trouble Her Highness with an inopportune question… or to ponder the implications of what she’d just heard.

Later that night, a gentle knock at the door of the royal suite alerted Cadance. “Come in,” she beckoned, setting down the engine maintenance manual she’d been researching.

Shining all but exploded into the room, embracing his wife and greeting her with a kiss. “Did you miss me?”

“We-ell.” Cadance smiled. “I didn’t not miss you. I could certainly have used some help with the Crystal Heart.”

“Aw,” Shining play-pouted before lighting his horn, “sorry about that, Cady. Wait until you see what I brought back, though.” An ancient wooden chest, barely larger than a breadbox, floated in from the hallway.

“Well, well, well, what’s all this then?” Cadance asked, standing up from the bed and circling the mysterious box.

“Do you remember the scrolls we found in the archives, the Birthright of the First-Born Alicorn? They led me to some kind of old temple. It was a bit tricky to navigate, especially with all the traps; I guess you were right about getting Rainbow Dash to call in that favor with Daring. It’ll all be worth it, though, when we get to see Flurry with her very own crown.”

“Oh! That’s great!” Cadance exclaimed. She took the box from him and studied it carefully, donning a pair of reading glasses for the occasion. “Hm... these engravings…”

“Right. That’s what I wanted to ask you about. We didn’t have anyone on the expedition who could read Ancient Ponish. Celestia taught you, right?”

“Why yes, she most certainly did. Now let’s see… I might be a bit rusty, but…” Cadance removed her glasses and wiped them clean before giving the text a second read. “‘My #1st Crown! - Elephant of Harmonious’... that can’t be right, can it?”

Shining blinked, blinked again, then blinked a third time for good measure. “...Are you sure? The temple looked pretty nice, and all. Real ancient and everything.”

“Shining, I warned you about bootlegs.” Cadance sighed.

“... can we at least take a look? Please? Maybe it’s not an officially licensed model like yours, but I’m sure it’s still a very nice crown. Twily’s been making a big effort to strengthen Equestria’s alliances with other kingdoms. Surely we can at least give their artifacts a chance.”

Cadance nodded reluctantly. “...Fine, fine, but we’re taking a very careful look at it before Flurry learns you brought this home. Alright, open it.”

Shining carefully undid the latch on the chest. The bottom of it promptly fell off, and pieces of shiny metal clattered across the floor. An awkward silence fell over the room.

A yellowed sheet of parchment slowly fluttered out of the box and gently bumped against Shining’s snout.

“Let me guess,” Cadance remarked with a smirk. “Some assembly required?”

“...That’s got to be a choking hazard.” Shining gathered the pieces together while Cadance drew the paper to herself. He hopelessly attempted to piece the object together as his wife perused the document. “What does it say?”

Cadance’s expression went from shock to confusion to irritation, with a brief detour through amusement. “‘Emelent of Magick, Alicorn Childer’s Pride Symbol’... ‘Collect all the sets’... ‘Instructions for the Assembly’… Shining, these instructions read like someone tried to translate them from Old Ponish to modern Equestrian.”

“Uh-huh? What’s the problem with that?”

“... this is written in Early Griffish.”

Getting the crown assembled from its many parts took some doing, especially considering half of them needed to be bent back into shape. With Cadance growing increasingly frustrated, it was a very relieved Shining Armor who set the last emerald into its socket, careful that his wife didn’t notice the gem had dragon teeth marks on its side.

“You have to admit, Cady, it’s kind of cute.”

“...Okay, maybe a little,” Cadance reluctantly conceded. “It would look nicer if it wasn’t crooked like that. And if the right side didn’t curve outwards. And if the paint wasn’t lead-based. You do realize, even if we were going to keep this thing—which we are not—Flurry could never wear it unsupervised before she’s at least seven, right?”

Shining sighed. “Yeah, I know, I know. I was expecting something nicer. The ruins looked pretty convincing.” In hindsight, he supposed the unlicensed likenesses of Celestia and Luna on either side of the main entrance should have been somewhat suspicious, especially with the radiant sunlight glowing out of Luna’s mane. “So… Are we tossing it, or…? I mean, we could at least keep it just in case we need an urgent replacement.”

“I… guess it could do in a pinch when she’s older.” Cadance said while skimming the instructions once more.

“Does that mention any enchantments? Princess crowns all do things, right?”

“Well... It’s kind of smudged. Also completely lost in translation. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try it out.” Cadance took the crown from Shining’s magic and carefully set it upon her head. “I don’t feel anything. Maybe I have to channel my magic through it…”

Cadance’s horn lit up, but the toy remained inert.

“Nothing at all?” Shining asked, picking up the box it had come in. “Maybe there’s something missing…”

Cadance shook her head. “Nothing. I mean, there’s a little bit of echoing from my own magic, but it’s not reacting to anything I do.”

“...Oh.” Shining said flatly. He rolled his eyes with a sigh. “Look here,” he added, hovering the box over to Cadance.

Tired and exasperated, Cadance could only give a frustrated chuckle. “Of course. I don’t know what I expected.”

BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED.