Get Rich Quick

by CategoricalGrant

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2442

Spike tries his hand at a series of visionary and/or insane schemes to get really rich without actually doing any real work.

You'd think Spike has things pretty good (he lives in a castle and all), but the truth is that he really doesn't. He works as Twilight's secretary and janitor, has never had a marefriend, and worst of all his bedtime is still 9:30 even though he's like, not even tired then.

There's only one way to fix all of those problems: get rich. Then Spike can have a penthouse in Canterlot, Rarity as a trophy wife, and sleep as much or as little as he so pleases.

And, there's only one way to get rich: quickly and irresponsibly.

Published 2018-04-24 05:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-07 20:27:25 UTC

Cryptocurrency

Twilight Sparkle trotted her way down the main hallway of her castle, humming happily. It was a beautiful day to be a Princess: all she had to do was sign a few edicts and write a letter to Princess Celestia, leaving her plenty of time to go and visit her friends.

Her ear flicked once as she picked up the sounds of furious scritching coming from her library. Tilting her head in curiosity, Twilight peeked around the door and smiled.

“Looks like you’re writing passionately, Spike,” Twilight greeted, almost unable to hide her glee at her assistant’s sudden interest in one of the liberal arts. “What’s got you so excited?”

The scratching of Spike’s quill stopped, but he didn’t look over to Twilight. “It came to me in a dream.”

Twilight’s eyes sparkled. “Were you inspired to write a novel filled with symbolism and philosophy?”

“No, No…” Spike shook his head. “It is so much bigger than that. Do you know what the problem with money is, Twilight?”

Twilight gasped, running into the library and screeching to a halt next to the young dragon. “Are you writing a political and/or economic treatise!?” She wrapped her hooves around Spike in a tight hug. “Ooooooh, I am so proud of you, Spike!”

“This is much more than that, mare!” Spike cried, pushing Twilight away. “This is a revolution!”

Twilight blinked. “Oh, it’s one of those political treatises. Just don’t go seizing the means of production, alright?”

“It’s a BUSINESS idea, Twilight!” Spike groaned, clearly antagonized. “And one that’s practically guaranteed to make me a billionaire!”

“Oh boy,” Twilight exhaled in skepticism. “What is it?”

“So you know our money, right?”

“What?”

“Bits!”

“Yeah, I know what bits are, Spike.”

“Our currency is the bit.”

“Yes, I understand,” Twilight spat. “Our money system is based on the bit coin.”

“Exactly. We exchange bit coins for goods and services. But, there are problems associated with the use of the coin which we refer to as the bit. The transactions are easily traceable and the coins can get really heavy if you’re carrying enough of them around.” Spike leaned over and began fumbling around in a saddlebag next to him. “But I’ve solved those problems! I present to you: the Ether Nickel!”

Spike pulled a glowing, purple crystal out of the bag and held it in front of Twilight triumphantly.

Twilight furrowed her brow. “That’s...just a magical crystal.”

“Not just any magical crystal,” Spike tutted, waving a finger back and forth. “It contains a record of all the Ether nickels I have. I had Starlight program the magic for me.”

“So, if I understand this correctly,” Twilight recited, her eye twitching as she tried to make sense of the new system, “you’ve created a shadow currency which doesn’t actually exist, except as digital information.”

“Exactly!” Spike crowed, his eyes glowing with inspiration. “Nopony has ever come up with something like this! And the money supply self-regulates; you can only get new Ether Nickels by answering progressively harder math questions. Check it out!” Spike tapped the crystal twice.

The crystal’s glow began pulsating, and an automated magical voice spoke from it. “Mining function activated. What is 3 times 4?”

“Twelve.”

“Correct. One Ether Nickel awarded. Current balance: 657893 Ether Nickels.”

“Nice.” Spike tapped the crystal again.

“Mining function activated. Let M be an n x m matrix of real numbers. Let ν∈Rn. Define the set S={MTμ | μ∈Rm and μ⋅ν≤0 }.”

“Uh...Numberwang?”

A cacophonous buzzing noise came from the crystal. “Incorrect answer given. No Ether Nickels awarded.”

“Shit.”

Twilight was sitting with her mouth agape, too engrossed by the sheer absurdity of the system to scold Spike for his language. “So you just have a massive leg up if you understand elementary set theory? I-I mean, who is even going to use this, anyway?”

“Lots of ponies. Enterprising businessponies looking to avoid paying taxes on big deals, organized crime syndicates that want their activities untraceable, foreign nationals looking to avoid exchanging currency-”

“-so you’ve created a black market currency that ponies can use to fund contract killings.”

Spike scoffed. “Can use? My dearest Twilight, I have cornered the market on contract killings.”

Twilight covered her face with a hoof.

“There are legitimate purposes too,” Spike pointed out. “Ponies with back problems trying to buy a yacht don’t have to lug around half a ton of bit coins anymore.”

“Yeah,” Twilight deadpanned. “They can carry one of those crystals around with them in their saddlebag, right next to their credit card.”

“That’s an identity fraud risk,” Spike pointed out, holding up a finger confidently.

“Look, Spike, I’m really proud that you’ve taken the initiative on a project,” Twilight started. “It’s just that this ‘Ether Nickel’ isn’t going to work. It’s a self-regulating, non-existent currency backed up by nothing and only of use by ponies involved in crime. Besides, it has to compete with an already established, government-backed currency. The value of the Ether Nickel will never rise 1500% in a few weeks, no one will ever take out second mortgages to invest in a flimsy idea like this, and there is no way that governments will start panicking because they lose control of the currency market to you. I mean, if you’re trying to get rich, you’d be better off trying to make more bits appear out of thin air!”

Spike narrowed his eyes angrily for a fraction of a second before his expression softened to one of interest. He scratched his chin and thought for a moment. “...Make bits appear out of thin air, you say?”

Free Money

“Well, that’s a very creative idea, Spike!” Princess Celestia praised. “But unfortunately, I can’t just make an infinite amount of bits.”

“And why not?” Spike asked, tapping his foot against the floor, which sent loud reverberations throughout the cavernous throne room.

“Well, you can’t just create value out of nothing, my dear,” Celestia cooed softly. Her wise visage never wavered from it’s calm demeanor as she spoke. “Simply minting more bits could lead to hyperinflation and a weakening of the currency on the international market. It was a fine idea though, and I very much appreciate you coming in with it.”

“Very well, I shall take my ideas elsewhere,” Spike harrumphed, turning tail and exiting the throne room.

“Make sure to eat vegetables and exercise, my little dragon!” Celestia called after him.

When Spike had exited the room, he rubbed his hands together fiendishly. “Little does she know, I won’t be taking my idea elsewhere at all…”

Three hours later, Princess Luna sat on the throne, her head leaning against her hoof. “I am exceptionally bored!” she groaned out loud.

A royal guard poked his head into the room. “Your Highness, the Friendship Ambassador to the Dragon Lands is here to see you on official business!”

“FINALLY,” Luna groaned. “At least something is happening. Um, who is that, again, exactly?”

“Spike.”

Princess Luna raised an eyebrow.

“The Dragon?”

Luna’s eyes narrowed slightly.

“Twilight Sparkle’s assistant?”

She chewed on her lip thoughtfully.

“Your sister raised her like he was her own child after Twilight hatched him? Saved the Crystal Empire? The purple and green one? Bakes pretty good cookies?”

Luna’s eyes lit up. “Oh, yes, him! Send him in.”

Spike strolled into the room and shot Princess Luna a few finger guns. “Princess Luna! ‘Sup, what’s going on?”

“What is going on is nothing. I am exceptionally bored and for some reason nopony in the entirety of Equestria is having a crippling episode of night terrors.”

“Well, I have something for you!” Spike grinned, hopping up the stairs to the throne. “How would you like to be the Princess that eliminated Equestria’s national debt?”

Luna’s ears perked up. “I would indeed like that.”

Spike looked at her expectantly.

Luna looked side to side awkwardly. “...I said that I would indeed like that.”

It was now Spike’s turn to look around awkwardly. “Uhm...and I know how you can do that.”

Luna shot to her hooves. “Why didn’t you say so!? Are you serious!?”

“I am! All you have to do is make more bits!”

“Make more bits…” Luna mouthed to herself as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “And then we can just use them to pay off everything!” She shook her head incredulously. “I can’t believe nopony ever thought of this!”

“It’s a simple and elegant solution, isn’t it?” Spike asked.

“Indeed! I shall run it by dear sister at breakfast and we will get started tomorrow!”

“No!” Spike cried. “I mean, uh, why involve Celestia? She’ll just like, take credit for it.”

Luna’s eyes widened. “You’re right! She’s always taking my ideas! Did you know it was my idea to build Canterlot on the side of a mountain? The nerve of some ponies! I shall instruct my advisers to begin minting immediately!”

Spike smiled mischievously. “Now, as your most humble adviser who totally won’t steal your thunder, I would very much appreciate an award,” he flattered, holding out a claw and opening and closing it repeatedly.

“Oh, why of course!” Luna patted Spike gently on the head. “That is a very good dragon. Auntie Luna is very proud of you.”

“I mean bits. You can even give me, like, a billion, because after all, we’re making free money now.”

Luna blew a raspberry at him. “And here I thought this was a friendly visit to give pro bono advice. Nice try! If I wanted to pay someone for unsolicited advice, I would have hired a consultant!”

Spike was about to protest, but instead brought a claw to his chin and scratched slowly as the gears in his head began to turn once more. “...Consulting, you say?”

Author's Note

More to come when I feel inspired

Consulting

Spike wetted his claw under the sink and brought it through the spines on the top of his head. He examined his own image in the mirror and nodded in approval, taking just a moment to straighten his tie before leaping off the stepstool and charging out of the bathroom.

Rounding a corner in the office building, he kicked open the door to a meeting room and strolled in like he owned the place.

A dozen pairs of eyes tracked him as he clambered onto a rolling chair and pounded his fists once on the mahogany meeting table.

“One word: synergy!” Spike declared, staring down the businessponies. “I have thoroughly reviewed your organization’s metrics, and the reason why you haven’t been performing is that you haven’t synergized your organizational strategy.”

There was some quiet murmuring amongst the group’s members as they considered this.

“You need a complete organizational overhaul to optimize your goal-realization scheduling, so you better pay attention!”

“H-hold on,” a pony called from the back. “These are all meaningless buzzwords! What about giving us some actual, concrete ste-”

“You!” Spike held out a claw accusingly at the interloper. “What is your title!?”

The pony blinked. “I’m the Vice President of Supply Chain for the Northea-”

“Not anymore! Now you are the Ultra-Visionary-Chief for Dynamic Product Assignment!”

Some impressed murmurs arose from around the table.

“Come on!” the newly minted head of ‘Dynamic Product Assignment’ protested. “You guys can’t seriously believe this, can you? There’s no way we can fix our numbers just by saying the word ‘synergy’ and changing our titles!”

“Oh yeah?” Spike replied, narrowing his eyes. He reached forward to grab the conference-call system and pulled it toward himself, quickly typing in a few numbers. He stood on his chair with his arms crossed as the phone rang several times, staring daggers at the pony who dared to challenge him.

“Yo, this is Dash,” a raspy voice answered.

“Dash, it’s Spike.”

“Hey, what’s up my Drake!?”

Spike narrowed his eyes and looked around the room. “She has earned the right to call me that. That is our word and I better not hear it from any one of you.” He turned his attention back to the call. “Dash, I’m here with some businessponies, and also this one total egghead. Please tell us what you do for a living.”

“I’m a Wonderbolt.”

Another round of exciting murmuring arose from those seated. Spike put up a claw to silence them.

“And could you please tell us what the most important factor in success is?”

“Phh, that’s easy! It’s speed, and like, fastness!”

“And what about the second most important factor?”

“Synergy, duh!”

“Thank you Dash, I’ll see you for drinks on Friday.”

“You know it!”

Spike smacked the large, red, ‘end call button’. “Speed, fastness, and synergy. Any further questions?”

“Yeah, what the heck does a professional athlete know about inventory management?” asked Spike’s challenger.

Spike craned his neck around the table. “Who is the Sentinel of Righteousness here?”

There was a long pause.

Spike rolled his eyes. “The ‘CEO’, in the speak of the uninspired company.”

“Oh, uh, that’s me,” a mare raised her hoof.

Spike pointed to the angsty operations manager. “That. That right there is your company’s biggest problem.”

“Close-mindedness and a reluctance to incorporate new ideas?”

“No, just that pony. Fire him immediately.”

After another thirty minutes of talking but saying nothing of substance, Spike re-enumerated his points.

“So, to conclude, remember: we work in goal-oriented task societies, not teams; always reinforce positive thinking with dream-promotion; and remember to network only with a view to future innovativity.”

The entire room of businessponies, minus one now-defunct member of the senior goal-oriented task society, burst into applause.

“You’ve saved our fiscal year!” one pony called.

“Thank you, thank you,” Spike said, waving them off. “Now, for one hour of consultation with travel reimbursement to and from Manehattan, plus a professional consultation from Ms. Dash, your total comes to 8400 bits.”

There was an awkward silence, until the Glorious Field Marshal of HR cleared her throat. “But, uh, when we booked you, we were told you would be consulting free of charge.”

Spike pursed his lips. “...What.”

“W-we explained that we are a non-profit, and your secretary Ms. Glimmer informed us that you’d be consulting for free.”

Spike narrowed his eyes and bared his fangs. “Starlight…” he muttered angrily. “Well, I’m afraid that there has been a misunderstanding. I am happy to cut the fee in half for you all.”

“I-I’m sorry,” quivered the response. “But we just don’t have that kind of money. We’re a charitable organization that directs medical supplies to underserved communities, not a hedge fund.”

Spike was about to threaten a lawsuit before he paused and thought about what was said. “...A hedge fund, you say?”