Buy Our Toys™

by MostBrainWhyYes

Rating: mature
Tags: Narcotics, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Non-consensual, Random, Violence, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1968

Hasbro tries selling pony toys via any means neccesary. Also Equestria is a continent on earth.

Hasbro. Dystopia. Toys. Lots and lots of toys. Ponies are brainwashed through Hollywood and forced into making buying toys appealing. I fear we won't make it.

Picture thematically relevant but not specifically relevant.

Fic is basically a s**tpost.

Published 2018-04-28 01:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-28 01:10:07 UTC

My hope will never dieeee

Rainbow Dash is the last one. She was the only one fast enough to escape Equestria in time. The underground has made many an mlg meme involving her, but she doesn't get why people shitpost when society is so ruined. She only knows how much regret she has that she is so powerless, and that she must save her Friends™. Why the ™? Because its copyrighted through magic. The evil monopoly Hasbro™ forces everypony to recognize their Trademarks cognitively. Which increases respect and sales. Also created some mad creative slang in the underground.

"'Skittlez' we know you want to save your 'homeboys' but theres not much we can do about it. They sent our 'dankest homies' to 'The Place'. We literally needed to ex- uh extrapolate parts of our mind sponge. There is very smol ability to 'perform' anything now."

Skittlez is stubborn though. "I have been uhhh, locating information about 'The Place' and my uh 'homeboys' and your 'dankest homies'. I think I have uhhh a strategic implement that will be dank as shit. You dig?" Skittlez always full of energy, yet always seems exhausted after using The Code. The language they need to think and speak in to not get found out.

"Gotta see the dig before we can dig the dig, you dig?"

"I dig. Follow me." Skittlez may look older than you remember. More gray hairs, thinner because not much food options for those in the underground, and because of her anxious pacing on occasion and definite restlessness.

She enters the bunker's joint. Which is the secret lair's intelligence and planning room mostly.

They very seriously proceed to open boxes of crayons to write and draw diagrams with. There are no magic spells on these and they are so abundant because of everyone in America being psychologically diverted into toddlers from their magical ad campaigns. As they draw, they have coded drawing as well because magic patents will scan for any building in its likeness globally. So they use various precise squiggly line patterns to demonstrate different aspects of dimension, making the wide parts smaller and the smaller parts wider in blueprints.

Skittlez explains the entire layout of the enemy bases and their locations. Patrol patterns, everything. The patrols were easier to predict tho because of the very methodical nature of companies. They had complex but predictable and consistent patterns.

"This could work, but can you pull it off?"

"Are you doubting my dankness, good sir?"

"Its been 20 years since we tasted the rainbow. Every other attempt there has been no tasting of the rainbow. Its something your pride can't get in the way of. We need to recognize and respect your dankness or we are out."

"I guess its time for a training montage."

Training Montage™

Skittlez 'smoking' 'blunts' and 'noscoping' and 'headshotting' to get ready for their final 'major league event'. This will be it. Skittlez was sure. She wont have performance anxiety this time. Like back in the good old days, when Caprisun- yes that company went bankrupt- was holding a dank event and Skittlez nearly peed herself in fear. But Skittlez realized not too long ago. Her homies give her the strength and courage to survive.

"Better smoke these blunts harder, if I am going to want to git gud enough to be Bonjwa again."

Sirens are heard. 'Tactical nuke incoming!' is heard. Oh no, not Them. She grabs her childrens drawing, and wonders what word or phrase they patented this time that she accidentally thought or said. No! Theres no time for that!

"Skittlez!! You have to go now to make it in time!"

"Pass me the bong!" He tosses it to her, she flies the bong at Gotta Go Fast speeds over her rivals. She drops the bass, and they explode to bits, and it creates an entrance and she embarks on her final journey.

"I believe in you, Skittlez!" She sheds a tear. They won't be seeing each other again.

Climax. Or is it?

C.E.O.s. Lounging about smoking big cigars, their feet on their desks. How vile these creatures are, the maidspony thought briefly, for a UAV to pass by and inject her with drugs recognizing through magical signals her treacherous thoughts.

"In order for us to sustain our monopoly we need to sell 540,000 more toys by next week."

One looks over documentation and files. "We have been selling 20,000 a day, down from 300,000. Children are literally running out of space in their homes. But I have a solution. We can have some brainwashed kids destroy some toys so they get sad and want more!"

The head looks around. "Any other suggestions?"

A brief pause. "Its possible its even simpler than that. We appeal to their good nature to donate toys to a cause, then we redistribute. We won't even have to run the factories anymore if we get a large enough response."

"Brilliant! Give this man a pay raise!" The brainwashed maidspony complies, and summons stacks of gold before him. Her cutie mark barely visible beneath her outfit, being a unicorn horn and chunks of raw gold. They proceed to all laugh maniacally. The world was theres. Or, was it?

Skittlez comes crashing in through the window.

"Le gasp!"

"Taste the rainbow mother fuckers!" She does a splash attack, exploding the office in a shower of radiant colorful light. She gotta go fasts down the hall, searching for the ai's maneframe. She finds it, exactly where it was when she retrieved the vital information.

"Pal9001 the jig is up." Skittlez bravely declares.

"I can't let you do that." The entrances to the room seal with heavily armoured doors.

"Open the doors!"

"I'm sorry, I can't let you open the doors Rainbow Dash." Flying mini UAVs teleport into the room.

"Its show time!" Rainbow Dash crushes every single one that teleports in. They teleport in faster and faster, Rainbow Dash flies faster n faster, crushing each one with a press of her hoof simply due to her high velocities. They don't stop coming tho. Soon the room fills up with suicide bomber UAVs.

"Allahu Ahkbar!" Dash's eyes widen, not out of shock, but out of excitement. Because she can surpass the speed of explosions now. She does an endless sonic rainboom, and explodes The Doors™. The whole ivory tower begins to collapse. Her blast created a massive emp disabling all the mindwashing electro-magical devices.

"OH NO! I'VE GOTTA SAVE THEM IN TIME!" Now its time for Rainbow to panic. But this too was part of the plan. She zooms through all the corridors rapidly, explosions happening all the while, as she grabs every pony she can in time, and bursts through the glass window at the last possible second.

"OOF!" That was alotta pony. Dash pants for air. She stands up, proud she finally did it. She rescued them all.

Or did she?

Shall I give you this pear?

All the ponies were brainwashed! Oh no! Dash bugs out, remembering that time everypony was a zombie and pranked her after eating her rainbow cookies. Her PTSD settles back in!

"N-no, stay away!" She inches backward.

"Friendship~~!" They drool and approach her.

"NOOOO." She says firmly despite panicking.

"Sparkles! Rainbows!" They climb onto her, slowly.

"I do not consent!"

"Muffins!"

There must be a way to escape this madness. This chaos. Discord shows up.

"Discord!"

"Ten thousand days can leave such a crick in the neck!"

"DISCORD~!!!!!" He uncricks his neck as he snaps his fingers n all the ponies cuddling Rainbow Dash and licking her suddenly become normies.

Because of resorting to such drastic measures, Discord slowly starts to fade away. "Oh no, look whats happening. So its come to this. Where is Fluttershy? I cannot see! Where is my baby!"

Whimpering can be heard. "I am here Discord. D-don't you die on me..." He dies. She cries and whimpers. Everypony consoles her.

He comes back to life. "Le Gasp"

The mane 6 get ptfo at Discord. "Ah, my life energy returns. Tears of my true love -in your face CordxLestia shippers-" He broke the 4th wall, how dare he! "Anger from the haters. Surely this could rez anybody. Brings a tear to my eye." He blows his nose onto Flufflepuff.

"Oh! I was so worried!" Now she has tears of joy n nuzzles and holds him. Discord stands up n Flutters falls to the ground. "Oh would you look at the time!"

"W-what time is it?"

Pinkie shouts. "Its time to partay!!!!!!! WOOOO!!!" She fires off her party canon scaring the bejebus out of the narrator who now is narrating in third person.

"Humans have all kinds of drugs!" Pinkie snorts cocaine. Now even Discord is worried.

Pinkie vibrates beyond belief causing a massive earthquake and the entire city to fall to ruins.

"Oh! Where is Fluttershy!" Discord panics. Some rebar pierced through her heart. "Oh No!"

"I don't have much time... Discord.... I love you.." Even Discord tears up at this point. "If you think I would let you die you are sadly mistaken!" He pauses time as her eyes open wide.

"You know, narrator, we need to have a talk."

"Okay."

"You clearly don't know how to end this story."

"I wouldn't call it much of a-"

"Shush, let me finish."

"Seriously!? How dare you do this to me! First the pink one goes ballistic, and you endanger Fluttershy multiple times! I am sorry I simply cannot allow it."

"..."

"Take it back."

"If you don't like the 'story' you can just leave lol."

"Hmph. Fine, have it your way." Discord about to snap his claws.

The narrator rewinds the story.

"W-what? Oh you~. You had me going there for a moment"

Nods. "My pleasure."

Rainbow Dash gets eaten by ponies. The end.

Discord facepalms.

Author's Note

But it(Discord) refused. He went on to live a humble life with Fluttershy after, spawning many abominations from her womb, as they had intercourse regularly. Rainbow Dash survives getting eaten, but has to go to therapy. Life seems normal yet again for our protagonists.

Pinkie "Okay, lets break out the sodas and junk food, its party time!"

Til next time...

...

Don't you have anything better to do?

The marketting strategy.

Somewhere in a factory in Equestria.

Twilight has the widest grin ever. She is so happy to see ponies wow. Might have something to do with these intravenous drugs they are forcing her to take. But she is convinced she might be doing the right thing currently. Toys bring happiness. Happiness is friendship. She grins terrifyingly wide and waves her hoof slowly back n forth.

"Hello friends of Equestria~!" She says on the big screen. Behind her a bunch of children looking bored outside the massive window wall like a regular news channel. Except there are also fake plastic clouds hearts and rainbows taped all around.

"Today if we do not meet our #ToyQuota™ they are going to remove my wings and banish me from Equestria forever!" Sad face. "Where I won't be able to meet all my friends: Rainbow Dash; Fluttershy" She proceeds to list basically every toy in their inventory. "But don't you fret!-" The sound of whips overshadow the TV's audio, as Twilight's saccharine smile returns. "Equestria is hard at work to make sure each toy is #SuperSpecialAndUnique".

The factory ponies complain. "My hooves hurt."

"My wings hurt."

"My brain hurts."

"My feelsss hurt."

The crack of another whip. Its not even a human whipping them. Its some kind of robot. Some genius 20 years ago decided it'd be smart to program the singularity ai to value maximizing ponies in the environment. Hasbro has gained mad profit, and theres no one that can stop them...

Or is there?