The Mare of Your Dreams (Unfortunately)
“Tis true,” Princess Luna proclaimed from outside your window. “You and I met in the recess of your dreams, our mouths open and our hearts pounding, our hips thrusting and our—”
You barely woke moments ago, but you already felt like today was too long.
“Okay, first off,” you throw open your window and glare at the malformed giant pony standing outside your window, “keep it PG-13. Kids are watching.”
“Wha—Fine.” Luna crossed her forelegs and fell onto her rump. Great, right on your fucking tulips. No one takes the time to admire them, and as soon as they bloom some bitch sits on— “I have seen the sweet love we have made in the fantasy of your dreams, and I have now come to make the same happen once more in reality!”
What.
“Maybe you could grab your shit and leave, I don’t even know who you are—”
“I am one of the twin sisters, the queen of the night and the—”
“Okay, I forgot that I didn’t care.” You’re not even sure who this crazy bitch is. One moment, you were laying in bed with a decent mast down below, the next, someone is pelting fucking pebbles at your window. “So what do you want from me again?”
“Your love,” she replied. “As well as your cock.”
“I don’t even know you!”
“But I know you.” Luna stood back up. You were tempted to draw your blinds. “You dreamt of me the night prior, the influences of my body dancing on your attraction. You invented a fake me to fill your needs, only before the act was to be done, I switch out your fiction for my reality!”
You blinked. “So wait… I had a dream about you and went to bang her.”
Luna nodded.
“And just as we were about to bang, you switch places so that your and mine consciousness had sex?”
Luna nodded.
“Okay, so I just have one question.”
Luna nodded.
“Since you and I banged,” you began, “then we kinda had sex for reals, because it was the real you and me, but since the bodies in which he had sex in were made of dream material, we didn’t fully have sex.”
Luna blinked, thought about it for a second, then slowly nodded her head.
“So that means if you have a kid, it ain’t mine.” You draw the blinds over the window and step back into your cabin, sighing heavily as you feel the weight of child support—and probably a crazy-ex–leave your shoulders.
Or, that was, until you heard a knocking at your door.
You swear to whatever fucking pony god flies above, you’re going to go up and stick your hoof down his ass if this psycho just made you get out of bed.
Your first attempt at getting out of the bed turned out a complete failure, including you on the cold floor, and all semblance of what’s good and right with the world miles away in your bed.
Your second attempt at getting off the floor, wait, fuck, your bed.
Your…
You erase everything that happened in the last half-hour from your memory, since it took you that fucking long to drag your lazy ass across the house, and open your door to see that, like the wind and the rain and your spiralling depression, that this mystery horse was waiting at your door.
“It’s been a half hour.”
She smiled radiantly, doing some fucking retarded pose to show off to no one in particular. She definitely wasn’t showing off to you, because you thought it looked retarded. “I would wait as long as it would take for my love to sweep me off my hoo—”
You proceed to slam the door and wander off to your kitchen. Maybe a coffee would prepare you for this garbage. Maybe it would cure your resting bitch face and actually make you a decent fucking pony.
Wait, you were always like that.
Oh well, coffee would make you slightly less like that.
So off you went, across you cabin and into the kitchen, where much to your dismay, standing before your counter was the princess of the night herself. The fucking bitch was using your toaster!
“Oh, come on!” You said as you threw up forelegs. “Professing all this weird shit? Fine, I can handle it.” You step toward her. “Breaking into my cabin? Annoying, but at least I can kick you out.” You raise your hoof, and bringing it down onto her muzzle, take back the toast that was in her mouth. “But using my toaster and eating my toast? That’s when you’ve gone too far.”
You looked down to find more than half the slice eaten. You sighed, dropping the toast. You looked over to the counter, finding more than just one toast missing. “You fucking bitch!” You point a hoof at her. “You owe me a new fucking bag after this!”
“You would do best to give me a break!” Luna sat down, crossed her forelegs, and turned her head. “Our love making session lasted the whole night! I can hardly be faulted for needing a meal.” She looked back at you and winked. “If I were you, I would take that as a compliment.”
If she did that again, your dick would probably recede back into your body and disappear into nothingness.
“Why would I care?! Nothing in that dream actually happened!” You sighed. “This is fucking retarded.”
“See? We are on the same page.” Luna rose up and came before you, resting a hoof on your foreleg. “What we did last night was amazing, but it has yet to truly happen.” She tilted her head right—which she thought was the bedroom, but in reality, was a closet.
You swore never to get lost in there again.
“We’ve already broken the formalities in our dreams,” Luna said, “and all that await us now is pure pleasure. You woke up this morning feeling rather hard, no?”
“Wait, how the fuck do you know that?”
You and the princess stare at each other for a good, few solid seconds.
“Actually, I don’t—”
“Let us commence in the beginnings of our blossoming relationship!” You feel yourself be brought into a chokehold as the mare drags you into your bedroom. How the fuck did she get here so fast? It usually takes you days to get out. You land on the bed with a loud pompf, and see your captor looming over you, a kind of disgusting slutty look on her face.
Thankfully, you had a convenient ‘eject the fuck out of here’ button installed by your bedside. Being in this shit town had at least that to give you.
Slamming the button with enough force to possible slap the autism out of a retarded colt, your roof fails to open, sending you and Luna through at least two panels of thin wood, which didn’t actually hurt that much, but you’re going to be pulling splinters out of your ass for days.
Unluckily for you, though, you never specified which pony race you were, so now you’re hurdling down towards the ground at an uncomfortable speed with no way to save yourself.
“My love!” The air rushing past you is brought to a complete halt, replaced by an iron grip around your torso.
You turn your head and see that you were being carried off by the monstrosity that woke you up. “Can you just drop me? I’d much prefer that ending.”
She shook her head and laughed. “No, I must take you to my love nest, where you and I can truly commemorate our relationship!”
You were then brought to Luna’s love nest and never escaped.
The end.
