I Wanna Take you to a Stallion Bar, Stallion Bar

by An Intricate Disguise

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Big Macintosh, Random, Thunderlane, Iron Will
Length: 3019

After being surrounded by mares for way too long, Jason decides it's about time he made some stallion friends. Going to a stallion bar might have been a bad way of going about it. (RGRE)

After being surrounded by mares for way too long, Jason decides it's about time he made some stallion friends.

Going to a stallion bar might have been a bad way of going about it. Or not.

A concept I really wanted to explore but couldn't think of a way to include in the main story of Staying Put. Completely standalone (and without sex!) so feel free to enjoy it even if you wouldn't touch the original story with a ten foot pole. Rated M only for swearing in the chapter title.

Published 2018-04-27 19:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-27 19:20:07 UTC

"The Fuck's a Pink Daiquiri?"

Living in the Everfree could get a little boring at times.

Of course, Jason constantly had visitors, various mares he'd come to know over the course of the last few weeks, but there was a distinct lack of guy friends in his life. He'd briefly interacted with a few of the locals, but never long enough to know what to make of them or really establish any connection.

So it was that he was stood outside a 'stallion bar' in the centre of Ponyville, one with big neon lights and a peppy, vibrant decor that made it look very modern, almost like something you might see in a big city on earth. Jason had no clue what to expect on the other side, but he did know that he fancied a drink.

He stepped in, the door chiming against a bell as he did so, and instantly felt multiple pairs of eyes falling on him. The interior almost looked more like a cafe in terms of seating, but a wooden bar sat in the corner, the most alluring thing in the entire place. All of the patrons were stallions, much like the staff save one mare, and the sounds of hushed chatter filled the large room as Jason trotted his way through.

He felt like there were ponies talking about him, gossiping even. Was that paranoid of him?

He approached the bar only to have one of the staff approach him, a dark earth pony with a purple mane that wore a beanie, one that clung to his hair and pushed it down even though it appeared determined to tuft out regardless. "What can I get for you, sir?" he asked, and Jason thought he heard something reminiscent of 80's techno beginning to play in the background. This place was strange.

The words 'vodka, neat' almost passed his lips, but he refrained at the last moment. "Say, Ponyville's famous for its apples, right? At least, that's what I've heard."

The stallion looked to him with a knowing smile. "Oh, you've come here for some of the best stuff, huh? Say no more, one Sweet Apple Cider coming right up!"

Jason smiled in thanks and took a seat on the wooden stool besides him, looking around the place. The chattering seemed to have died down a little, a lot of the groups of stallions settling into natural conversations. It was a strange looking place with a distinct lack of any pool table, dart board, or sanitary issues—the things Jason considered staples of a good bar—but it was rather pleasant to look at nonetheless.

His eyes settled on one trio of stallions, and as the upbeat song continued to grow in volume, two of them swayed in place to the beat. Must have been drunk, Jason snickered, wondering just how strong and tasty this cider would be when he got his lips around it.

The bartender returned, a strong aroma of apples wafting from the glass he held in the crook of his hoof before placing it on the bar in front of Jason, a light layer of froth on its top. "That'll be three bits, please."

Luckily, Jason had a little bag of the things. Living off of his own produce, he rarely had to worry about buying anything but the essentials, but he'd been sure to trade enough to build a little spending money for occasions like this. He put the bits on the table and slid them over to the stallion, thanking him before pushing the glass between his hooves.

They were always difficult to pick up for him, but he managed using both hooves, bringing the glass closer to his mouth, the anticipation growing as he imagined the taste of the aroma dancing in his nostrils hitting him fully for the first time, and with eagerness, he took his first sip, the initial taste delectable as he swilled it in his mouth.

It was only after a full two seconds of appreciating it that he realised something was wrong. Past the tang, past the flavour, there was something... missing.

He swallowed his sip, clearing his throat and standing to flag down the barman. "Excuse me, mate?"

"Is something the matter, sir?"

"Yeah, that drink you gave me. It's soft cider. Juice." Jason almost spat the last word, the idea of being served juice in a bar was such an affront to the purpose of such an establishment that it almost physically hurt.

The bartender cocked his head, apparently not following. "Yes, I'm aware of that! Lovely stuff, isn't it?"

"Tastes great, but I was hoping for something a little stronger."

"Ah, I understand now." The bartender took the drink away, bringing it over to a nearby drain and tipping it before sliding Jason's bits back. "We have a selection of rather strong teas if you'd prefer, as well as a hot cocoa that I'm sure a stallion like yourself would absolutely adore."

"Wh-what?"

"A hot cocoa, darling." The bartender repeated, his eyes lighting up. "Oh, we can do you the sprinkles and the marshmallows and the whipped cream, even a stick of chocolate! The Works, we like to call it."

"That's all well and good, but..." Did this guy not understand how a bar was meant to work or something? Jason felt moments away from beginning to bang his head, but figured if he spelled it out very slowly, the stallion would eventually understand. "...I was looking for something—and let me make sure you're following—something with alcohol in it. A hard cider, specifically."

"Oh! I see..." the stallion repeated, a little taken aback. "You want a hard cider, sir?"

Why did it feel as if all of the noise in the room was gradually halting? Even the music was beginning to die down as conversation stopped, and Jason could almost feel eyes in the back of his head as he heard a couple of snickers behind him. "Yes, I want a hard cider, what's so damn difficult about that?" Jason hadn't meant to be rude, but the whole situation was beginning to stress him out. How hard was it to take a fucking order?

Jason could swear that he could see the bartender's muzzle curling as he continued to look at him. "You're totally serious?"

Jason blinked. Slowly. "Yes, I'm serious. Can you go and make my drink, please?"

A couple of giggles joined the earlier snickers as the bartender's face began to flush. "I-I'd have to check stock, I'm not sure if we have any at the moment."

If Jason's eyebrows were any sharper then, they'd have cut him. "Why would you not be sure? What kind of bar are you running here if you don't even know what drinks you have in?"

The bartender frowned then. "I don't mean to patronise you, sir, but this is a stallion's bar."

"...so?"

"Hard cider is a mare's drink, stallions aren't typically that fond of it. As such, we don't get much demand for it over here."

Oh god. That's horrible. That's absolutely terrifying. Reversed gender roles are absolutely disgusting, sometimes. "You, you mean..." Jason's eyes shifted left and right as the true horror of the situation finally began to sink in. "You've got no beer? No whisky?"

The bartender rolled his eyes as if these were obvious questions. "We can do you a root beer float if you really want? Apart from that, I'm afraid not."

"Wh-what do you drink in here?!" Jason almost shouted. Whether it was in disbelief or hysteria, he was unsure. "Don't tell me that every stallion in this bar is drinking tea or juice and gossiping!"

Well, if they weren't staring before, they definitely were now, and some of them looked pretty unimpressed at his display. "You forgot cocoa. And no, we do have some more civilised alcoholic drinks, but less people choose to partake in them at..." he checked the clock on the wall behind him, "...ten-thirty in the morning."

"I don't have a problem, you have a problem." Jason replied by instinct. "Uhh, I mean..."

Luckily, it seemed to go over the bartender's head. "Would you like to see our list of cocktails?"

"Oh, fuck it, just get some alcohol in me already."

"He's a feisty one, isn't he?" the mare behind the bar laughed, her voice scratchy.

"Christ, you aren't about to hit on me, are you? I actually fancy a day off from that, if you don't mind."

A stallion to his left answered him, balancing a trio of glasses on his wing as he deposited them over at the bar. "You mean Snowy over there? She's about as gay as they come, dear, you've got more chance of me trying to gobble you up, and you're not even my type. Thunderlane, pleased to meet you."

Jason stared queerly at the pegasus now extending a hoof to him to ...shake? Bump? He was a rather large stallion with an incredibly well-kempt appearance, the type that probably groomed his feathers four times a day. Was he gay, or did most stallions just sound like that?

Jason couldn't be bothered to question it, so he just shook/bumped his hoof anyway. It was like a bump with a little shaking motion. It wasn't gay, though.

"Uhh, yeah, I'm Jason." He tried to ignore the slight tingle in his hoof as he pulled it away. Were shakes meant to last that long?

"Well, we're the resident daytime alcoholics around here, so you couldn't have picked a better pony to bump into." He pointed to a table in the corner, and there sat a large red stallion and a big fuck off minotaur.

Here's hoping he doesn't take a shine. "I take it that means you know what's worth drinking in here?"

"Like you wouldn't believe, honey." With a flick of his mane, Thunderlane raised himself up onto his hind legs and gave the bar a couple of taps with a hoof. "Mixer! Three strawberry daiquiris and a glass of Rainbow Falls, please." The stallion from before—apparently called Mixer—nodded, and Thunderlane turned back to Jason. "Why don't you come sit with us? A place like this is no fun if you're all on your lonesome, trust me."

Ehh, what could it hurt? Jason had had just about enough of debating with the bartender over what constituted a real drink, and he did come here to socialise. "Sure, thanks, Thunderlane."

"Oh, just call me Thunder, doll." Thunderlane led the way, and despite Jason beginning to relax into the multi-coloured environment, he couldn't help but clench a little when he saw the minotaur looking him over. Better to be safe, right?

"Everyoneee, this is Jason, he's obviously new around here or he wouldn't be silly enough to sit with us. Be nice to him, okay?"

"How'd you do?" the red pony smiled with the tip of a straw hat.

"Jason, that's Big Macintosh. He thinks words are like poems and only exercises them when 'absolutely necessary', or so he says until you get a couple of spritzers down his neck. Anddd that's Iron Will, our resident stallion rights activist!"

"I'm not an 'activist', you cheeky bitch." Iron Will snarled, his impressive muscles seeming to tense a little. Jason only clenched his ass tighter. "I help stallions become more assertive, in case you were wondering. So much of the modern stallion's life is dominated by mares, it helps if a stallion knows how to stand up for himself."

Considering the look of the patrons of this bar, plus the few stallions Jason had already met and his experiences with mares? That made an odd amount of sense. "Sounds like a great thing that you do."

"It is a great thing, I'm just giving him a hard time," Thunderlane laughed, nudging him on the shoulder. "Iron Will is a little of a stallion celebrity, he's really helped to make the voice of stallions more recognised in modern society. Helped a lot of stallions learn how to handle mares better, too."

Big Mac only nodded, and Iron Will seemed to blush a little, an odd look on a creature so large. "I just don't want to see stallions being taken advantage of, that's all."

"Big Mac over here works over at Sweet Apple Acres. He does all the accounting and bookkeeping because his sisters don't let him near the labour work, let alone near another mare."

Big Mac grunted in affirmation, and Jason instantly felt sorry for him. That didn't seem altogether right.

"Anddd I assist stunt fliers, work with a team called the Wonderbolts. I look after the mares running the show, I keep everyone in coordination, and I work out the choreography for the flight shows. It's very rewarding work."

"If by rewarding you mean having a herd of professional mares bossing you around," Iron Will chuckled.

"Oh shush, you. We don't all have your notion of a 'monogamous relationship being the best kind' ingrained in our brains."

Iron Will's chest flared. "Monogamy is something more Equestrians should be looking to adopt! How can you be expected to love multiple mares equally, or to be seen as equal to them when they're all there for you but not each other?"

"You can't push your race's societal norms onto us like that!" Thunderlane shot back, his eyes narrowing. "As far as I'm concerned, I can share something special with multiple mares, just as they can with me. It's an understanding that's been practiced for a very long time. You're already teaching stallions not to settle for mares that just want their bodies, taking it further is too much."

Big Mac only listened, listened and snickered. It was impossible to tell which side he agreed with.

Jason wasn't entirely sure either. Since he'd arrived, he'd been introduced to Equestria's 'herd mentality', and he was still finding it difficult to make heads or tails of the morality of it. At least he'd established that all of them were straight, except maybe the minotaur. He was the one that still worried him a little.

"You boys thirsty?" came an effeminate voice, and Jason turned to see a stallion in a frilled waiter's outfit depositing drinks on the table, three big pink things with tall glasses and bendy straws and one big ol' glass of wine, which was apparently for Iron Will.

Still, Jason couldn't get over the pink things. He waited for the waiter to leave before he said anything, figuring he was probably close to being barred from the place as it was. "The fuck is this?" he said when the stallion was finally out of earshot. "Looks like a fucking flamingo's been put through a blender." Leaning forward, Jason sniffed it, only to retreat from the bombardment of sugar. "The hell's in this thing?"

"Oh, two parts delicious and one part heaven," Thunderlane winked, taking a sip of his before fluttering his wings. "Trust me, give it a try."

This had all been so strange so far, and the stallions were as fruity as the drinks, but they were also... nice. Quite pleasant to be around. Leaning forwards and pushing the bendy straw into his mouth, Jason took a small sip.

Thunder was right about the heaven. Holy shit, that was tasty. Like, if ice cream and rum had a baby and then made it strawberry cream flavoured, that was it. Before Jason knew it, he was sucking the drink back with long slurps, emptying almost a quarter of the glass.

"Slow down a little, sweetheart, you'll outdo us at this rate," Thunderlane laughed, popping the straw from his mouth. "Besides, these ones hit you all at once, best to pace yourself."

"Oh, I'm sure I can handle a little strawberry," Jason laughed, though he knew it was bravado. This was a fucking strong drink.

"Sooo, we told you about us, what's your story?"

Jason thought about his incredibly complicated and original backstory for a moment, including how he came to be a pony and live in the Everfree. He then took a sip of daiquiri. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you, so I won't."

"Oooh, tall, dark, and mysterious. I'll bet you're a hit with the mares."

"Anythin' that moves round here is a hit with the mares," Big Mac grumbled.

"Well of course you'd say that, look at you! It's no wonder you get more attention than me and Iron Will combined." Iron Will only nodded in agreement.

"Not like I can go anywhere near any of 'em without AJ tryin' to rip my head off. ...'sides, my snout is way too big."

"Yeah, well my wings are too puffy!" Thunderlane argued, taking an aggressive sip of his drink.

"And my horns are too wide," Iron Will sighed, taking a gulp of his wine, draining half the glass. "No wonder we drink, huh?"

It took Jason a moment to realise they were all looking at him expectantly. Was he supposed to talk himself down to fit in? "I... fuck, I can't think of anything."

"Ugh, I wish I had that confidence," Thunderlane tutted between sips. "I bet you have no trouble keeping mares happy with an attitude like that."

"You'd be surprised..." And he would if he told him, which he just might end up doing if they kept drinking these powerful things.

Jason sat there with his strange drink and his strange company in the strange bar of this strange world, continuing to sip at his drink, the return to glass becoming increasingly intermittent as he felt the alcohol beginning to hit his brain. He didn't know what exactly he had expected when he'd come out, but he did know for certain that this wasn't it.

He looked to the bickering, rowing men before him, and they were almost like women, the women he had once known. Jason wouldn't have guessed that he could enjoy company like that as much as he was doing right now, not for a second.

Equestria was fucking weird. Weird and wonderful.

And hopefully Iron Will wouldn't try to screw him later.