Chapters Twilight heaved again, more vomit spraying the toilet, she was sure she had expelled the ragwort ages ago, but her stomach was still revolting.
Another heave and black spots danced before her eyes. She groaned and hit her head against the toilet.
"Twilight? Are you alright?" Spike called.
"'m fine Spike, just sick." Twilight lied. Kill me. Kill me. Please gods above kill me. I'm a useless worthless failure anyway.
"Are you sure? I could send a letter to Celestia or the hospital."
"No!" Twilight screamed.
Spike leapt back from the door at the fierceness of her retort. He knew something was very wrong, and for the first time, he ignored Twilight, and went to send a letter to Celestia.
The darkness clouded her vision and she blinked to clear her eyes.
Had it worked after all? This didn't look like Tartarus, nor Elysium though she doubted she'd get there.
"Hello?" She called.
"Twilight." A sad voice whispered.
She turned to the mare, and stared in shock. It was Night Fire, her cousin who'd died several years ago in an accident.
"Twilight, you can't do this. It's not time for you to be here yet." The silver mare said gently.
"Where am I?" She croaked.
"The boundrylands. I felt you near, and came to try and stop this. You are young Twilight, you have a life ahead of you! Loved ones!" The mare exclaimed.
"Yeah, so many, the friends I barely talk to and the family that hurts me?"
"Family is much more than blood. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." it means, family by choice, brothers-in-arms, is a much stronger bond than those you are born to. You are not obligated to love those related to you." The mare said.
"Twilight!"
A voice was calling her.
"Go back Twilight, it is not your time. And maybe this time, have some honesty with your friends."
"I-I can't go ba-"
What felt like lightning slammed through her and Twilight cried out in pain.
"They are calling you back Twilight, you will not have a choice."
The lightning again and Twilight coughed as she returned to her body.
"She's back now, heart rate elevated by otherwise steady. Take her in, now."
There was darkness all around her, fire was coursing through her veins, and a familiar voice was calling her.
The scene changed, it was the Everfree Forest now, a mantacore was charging her.
Another change and she was being beaten, crawling to try and get away from her tormentor.
Whiteness overtook the scene and she was stabbing herself with a knife, then her brother was holding her down. A memory so terrible she screamed and tried to push it away, but it happened anyway again and again.
A classroom, a baby dragon, pure elation at leaving behind her family, mistaken as excitement at being taken on as Celestia's personal student.
White.
Whiteness was everywhere. She could hear crying.
"Where am I?" She asked herself aloud.
"Twilight!" Spike cried. "You're awake!"
"Spike?" Twilight turned to the voice and saw him sitting in a hospital chair. A hospital, she was in a hospital.
"You accidentally ate ragwort they called it, so I got the emergency ponies to take you to the hospital. I didn't know what it was but you were convulsing and vomiting and I didn't know what to do." He cried.
Twilight's ears went back in anger. Why had that stupid dragon called the paramedics?
"How did you mess up and eat poison Twilight?" Spike asked.
"I don't know." Twilight lied.
The dragon stared at her.
"Twilight...you... you didn't eat it by accident, did you?" He whispered.
"She did not." A voice answered, somehow angry and sad at once.
Princess Luna stepped into the hospital room.
"I saw your nightmares Twilight Sparkle, those were more than random fears, they were memories." She stated.
"No!" Twilight exclaimed, "They were just nightmares!"
"Liar." Luna hissed. "This is why you were so happy to be taken in by my sister when you were just a filly, was it not?"
"I am not li-" Twilight coughed, trying to fight back a sob.
"Did you tell Celestia?" Twilight asked angrily.
"I did not. She only knows you attempted to kill yourself and you are in the hospital, the work it took me to get in here before her was hell let me tell you."
"Spike, leave." Luna ordered.
The dragon glared.
"Now." She barked.
The dragon grumbled and left, and Luna cast a spell to insure no creature could eavesdrop.
"Twilight Sparkle, you will not lie about the truthfulness of dreams to a princess whose duties are to ward off nightmares. I know truth from fiction in the dreamscape young filly. You were ecstatic when mine sister offered you a personal place in her school, away from home, because your parents were abusing you in unimaginable ways. Were it up to me, they would be dead right now, but since there is no proof of what was done to you, well you can see how the citizens would take a princess executing supposedly innocent citizens. You however will not be returning to them, and you will be given therapy and work on this. I will personally be monitoring you in your home to insure you do not attempt something this rash again. Twilight, there is always a reason to live, no matter the pain of your past."
"I'm a shitty friend and an even worse student, so no there is not a reason." She hissed.
"So now you admit it was intentional, that is a good step." Luna sighed.
"Twilight." She said gently. "You cannot just run away from your problems. And if you had succeeded in ending your life, you would not have erased your pain, instead you would have magnified it and then passed it on to those who love and care for you. Thankfully, Spike has keen senses and knew something was very wrong when he could both smell the poison and feel your anguish."
"Spike...sensed it?" Twilight asked.
"Indeed, though he knows not precisely what he sensed, or he does and is denying it. His own nightmare was telling."
"I'm sorry." Twilight cried beginning to sob. "I just don't know what to do anymore."
"Fight. You fight and you beat these demons. You will also be getting therapy, that's not optional, I know all too well what happens when one allows their inner demons to take control of their lives."
"I'm so sorry." Twilight sobbed.
"Stop. You are in pain Twilight, and you need not be sorry to me. The ones who surely need reassurance are your friends, they will be here soon, I advise honesty, but will not judge you for dishonesty, though Applejack may notice. I shall return Twilight, farewell."
Author's Note
I might be bringing this upon myself, but please, be gentle. This bit is honestly written nearly from my own experience. A failed suicide attempt, a fever dream of a loved one calling me to stop, thought Twilight got the proper help she needed, while I did not.
Honesty Is The Best Policy...
"Twilight!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "Oh thank goodness you're okay! I made some cupcakes, but maybe your tummy won't want them just yet, but they're here anyway!"
"Pinkie, please, volume, my head is pounding." Twilight groaned.
"Oh, sorry." She said quietly.
"So what happened to you?" Rainbow Dash asked, bluntly as usual.
Twilight glanced at Applejack, wondering if the orange mare would call her bluff if she lied.
"I was really tired and accidentally ate a poisonous plant. I had it for experiments but I guess I was half asleep and sleepwalking." She faked a laugh at her supposed ditzy moment. Immediately she regretted it when she saw the looks Applejack and Pinkie gave her.
"Twilight-" Applejack began, but Pinkie kicked her. "How does someone smart as you eat poison?"
Twilight knew that wasn't her real question.
"Like I said, I was really tired and mistook it for something else." Twilight coughed, and almost immediately a glass of ice cold water was presented to her by Fluttershy.
"Thanks Flutters." Twilight muttered, guilt beginning to consume her seeing how caring her friends were.
Twilight looked at them, all watching her, worried expressions on their faces and her facade fell, she began sobbing.
"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." She screamed. "I did it on purpose, I thought I would die!"
"Twilight! How could you?" Rarity exclaimed.
"What in Tartarus Twilight?" Rainbow Dash yelled.
"Stop guys." Fluttershy whispered. "I'm sure Twilight feels hurt enough."
"There is never a reason to try to end ones own life." Rarity glared at the yellow pegasus.
"Rarity, get out." Applejack ordered. "And if ya don't leave, I'll get the nurse to make you."
Rarity huffed and trotted out, Rainbow trailed behind her, sending a glare back at Twilight. "Idiot unicorn." She muttered.
"Twilight, what happened that made you feel this way?" Fluttershy asked.
"Nothing, just, random depression." Twilight lied.
"A'right, now y'all stop the lying Twilight Sparkle. Just tell us the honest truth, we won't judge you."
Twilight looked into Applejack's eyes and saw the worry, fear, and love... She couldn't lie. But she couldn't tell the truth either.
"I'm sorry Applejack, but, I can't. Not right now. I can't lie to you, but I can't be honest either. Yes, I did try to kill myself, yes there is a lot you guys don't know, but beyond that, I don't want to talk about it right now."
Twilight nuzzled the soft fleece Fluttershy had placed in her bed and sighed. It was almost as if she hadn't tried to kill herself last week.
The hospital, and Princess Luna, had decided she would not be returning home with only Spike to watch her, but instead, she would be spending a few weeks with Fluttershy, or until they deemed her "stable", whatever that was.
"Hey Sugarcube, ready to talk?"
Twilight sighed.
"I had major problems growing up with my family, there." Twilight answered.
"You know that is not what I meant." Applejack answered.
"What do you want me to say?" Twilight shouted. "That my own family abused me, that I was ecstatic when Celestia took me on because it meant escape? That even when I escaped my parents, my brother becoming a military personal meant I still couldn't escape him ?"
"Twilight... what did they do to you?" Fluttershy whispered horror-struck.
Hot tears spilled down her muzzle and she began sobbing and shaking at the memories that assaulted her. Fluttershy wrapped a wing around her.
"No!" Twilight screamed. "Don't touch me!"
Her magic flared and Fluttershy was thrown back.
"Don't touch me! Don't hurt me! Get away." She yelled her eyes wild in fear. She screamed incoherently and backed into the corner of the room. No one could hurt her if she saw them coming and hurt them first.
"Twilight, it's okay, you're not there." Applejack said gently. "You're with friends. You're in Fluttershy's cottage."
"Just take a deep breath Twilight." Fluttershy instructed. "They will never hurt you again, your friends will make sure they can't touch you."
"Fluttershy?" Twilight whispered, her eyes unfocused.
"That's right. I'm here for you. Your friends are here."
"Not all of them." Twilight hissed.
"Oh heck with them!" Applejack exclaimed. "A pony suffering is more important than someone's ego."
"We understand why you didn't tell anyone." Fluttershy soothed. "You felt they might judge you. Felt at fault. And you still love your family and want to protect them. You worried telling would get them in trouble."
Tears formed in Twilight's eyes and she nuzzled Fluttershy.
"I'm sorry I hurt you." Twilight whispered.
"I've had worse. I work with bears, remember?" Fluttershy laughed lightly.
"How are you so empathic Fluttershy?" Twilight asked nuzzling closer to the yellow mare, who wrapped a wing around her lightly, testing Twilight's reaction. When Twilight sighed and nuzzled closer, Fluttershy wrapped her tighter.
"I always have been. That probably would have been my cutie mark if empathy had a physical form." She smiled and cuddled her friend.
"What if they hurt me?" Twilight whispered.
"No one is going to hurt you again Twilight." Applejack reassured.
"But, I told about what they did to me. What if they find out and try to get revenge? What if Celestia and Luna find out and try to put them in the dungeons!?"
"One, they'd deserve it. Two, ya shouldn't be wanting to protect them anyway, they hurt you. And Three, Luna was investigating your dreams when you was in that coma, so she might already know depending on if you was havin' nightmares 'bout it or not. I'd think ya were, since that's what drove ya to eat poison."
Twilight began to sob again and Fluttershy glared at Applejack.
"What? It's the truth!"
"That doesn't mean you should say it." Fluttershy scolded.
Applejack sighed and lowered her head, defeated. She knew she was too honest sometimes, and now she'd hurt Twilight. She wouldn't apologize for the truth though.
"I'm sorry I hurt you Twilight, but I won't lie, and 'm not sorry for what I said, only that it hurt you."
"No, no you're right Applejack, of course you're right." Twilight cried. "I shouldn't have done it, and I'm sorry I worried you all so much. And if I'd died... the pain you'd of gone through..."
"Twilight, stop beating yourself up. You're hurting, from what I can understand, you've gone through more pain than most ponies twice your age." Applejack reassured.
"It's okay to hurt Twilight," Fluttershy reassured her, "it means you're still here, you're still alive."
Author's Note
More! And of course, had you ever dealt with depression, you'd know simple reassurances from friends won't undo all the fears and doubts you have. Friendship is great, but it doesn't undo depression, and you friends can't fix PTSD and other problems you may have.
"I don't wanna go." She muttered.
"Too bad." The princess answered, "You're going."
"But I can just talk to my friends!" Twilight argued.
"Not good enough; and it's also unfair to burden them with all your troubles. You should go to a professional who knows how to deal with such matters."
Twilight groaned and put her head in her hooves, shooting a glare at the blue princess beside her.
"That glare will not suddenly change the reality that you need therapy Miss Sparkle." Luna said still looking straight ahead.
Twilight smiled despite herself.
"It was worth a shot." She joked.
"Indeed, but you are not Fluttershy and do not possess "the stare", so really quite a fruitless effort." The Princess smirked.
"Maybe I should take lessons."
"Never, Twilight Sparkle with the power of The Stare, unstoppable!" Luna laughed.
"So, who is this "professional" you want me to see? Go and talk about feelings to them?" Twilight asked sarcastically.
"Her name is Doctor Star. Frozen Star to be precise, but you will call her Dr. Star, she will be your doctor to help you handle these emotions, as you clearly are not doing well handling them on your own. She will also be assigning you a therapist, so yes you will be talking about, as you so nicely put it "feelings" . You are troubled Miss Sparkle. I've seen ponies destroyed by less than what you've been through. And though I know you told me vengeance was unacceptable, I have decided to stop chasing away the nightmares of those who harmed you. Their guilt and shame is their own doing, and now they must live with it."
The carriage stopped and Twilight began shaking.
"Twilight, be calm, she only wishes to help you. She will likely put you on some medication that will help you recover."
"Am I broken?" She asked Luna beginning to tear up.
"No Twilight, you are hurting, you have been through much, and Frozen Star is going to help you heal yourself. Now go."
"So, you have never been on a medication such as an antidepressant before?" Frozen Star said glancing at the chart she'd been given. "It says here you... tried to poison yourself."
"Yes ma'am." Twilight whispered with her ears lowered in shame.
"None of that Twilight, there is no shame in seeking help. I only wanted to confirm to not give you a medication you could easily poison yourself with, as it was clearly already a viable method to you."
The mare scribbled something on her paper, and then tapped at her computer.
"Now Twilight, I'm sure you know, no matter what I give you, you will not be recovered immediately, and in fact, the medication cannot heal you, which is where your therapy will come in. But, Wellbutrin, the medication you shall be receiving, will help you by alivating your depression. However, it can also cause insomnia and raise blood pressure, so for the next two months you will need to come in weekly so we can be assured this is going to work for you. If you start having tremors or an irregular heartbeat, I want you to inform Princess Luna to take you to a hospital, as these are very serious. Do you understand?"
"Yes ma'am." Twilight repeated.
"Just Star is fine, I want you to be comfortable in my office."
"Yes, Star." Twilight corrected.
"That's better. Now I want you to take this prescription to the pharmacy as soon as possible. They will give you the right medication and instructions for incremental doses, this is not a medication you want to just start full strength. I wish to see you again in another week."
"Okay." Twilight grabbed the paper and made to leave.
"Make sure you talk to the receptionist to set up your therapy appointment." The blue pegasus reminded her.
"I will, thank you Star."
Maybe it was all in her head, but standing beside Luna in the warm spring sunlight felt wonderful today.
"Luna, I'm sorry I worried you." Twilight apologized.
"Twilight, I always worry about you, so don't apologize or you'd never be done."
"Twilight!" Celestia yelled.
"Princess!" Twilight exclaimed jumping back.
"Luna has informed me what happened, and kept me away from you." She glared at her sister.
"She needed to get started on recovery before you began to badger her Sister." Luna sighed.
"Twilight are you alright?" Celestia asked.
"No." She answered truthfully. "But hopefully I will be."
The solar princess gave a sad smile.
"I think, you deserve some rest after all that's happened so quickly to you Twilight. I will take you home and stay with you for awhile."
"Twilight!" Someone called her name as she and Luna approached the door to the library.
Twilight and Luna both glared at the white unicorn, Celestia glanced at both of them, wondering what had happened to these friends.
"What do you want? To degrade me some more?" Twilight spat.
"No." Rarity answered hanging her head. "I wished to apologize. I thought of losing you Twilight, and I was so scared and so angry and I did not think of how you must have been feeling to be driven that far. I lashed out because I was terrified of losing my friend. And I was angry at myself for not seeing you were in so much pain. We live so close and I completely missed all you were going through, and I am so sorry."
Rarity was sobbing by the end of it and Twilight fought the urge to hug her. She'd attacked her for feeling so bad.
"Miss Rarity, perhaps give Twilight some time to recover? An apology does not simply undo thoughtless words."
"I...I'm so so sorry Twilight. You know where to find me if you accept my apology, though, I understand if you don't, what I said was terrible." Rarity sighed and walked past Twilight.
"What happened?" Celestia whispered to Luna.
"Rarity was horribly upset and blamed Twilight and degraded her for her attempted suicide in the hospital. The others, baring Rainbow Dash who also blamed Twilight, ganged up on her. She must be feeling terribly alone."
The princesses realized Twilight was no longer between them as they headed to the library.
"Wait! Rarity!" Twilight called, running the opposite direction.
"Twi-?"
Twilight slammed into Rarity, embracing her in a tight hug.
"I'm sorry I worried you Rarity, I understand why you reacted like you did. I forgive you."
The two mares embraced each other and sobbed together, while the princesses watched with sad smiles.
Twilight rolled her eyes as she prepared her coffee, watching her friends watch her closely.
It was getting rather annoying.
You're the one who tried to kill yourself, next time, cut off your horn and jump off a cliff so you can't save yourself accidentally. Twilight shook her head at the morbid thought. It wasn't too terrible an idea, though if she failed, and her track record was against her, she'd be crippled for life, and unable to ever attempt again. Not like you could try again anyway, they only leave you alone to use the bathroom... You could drown yourself.
"Shut up." Twilight grumbled.
"Twi?" Applejack probed.
"Nothing, sorry, just...talking to the voice."
"Applejack, are you okay to watch her alone?" Fluttershy whispered, Twilight was used to this, instead of calling them out, she decided to pretend she couldn't hear them anyway.
"Yeah, go take care of yer animals or whatever you need to do."
"I'll bring some homemade food when I stop by again." She whispered heading out the door.
"Er... Twilight, you said you were talking to a voice?" Spike piped up, clearly very worried.
"Not like that." She rolled her eyes.
"Oh, okay. So what are you talking to?" He asked.
"My depression. My psych wants me to try treating the depression as a bad house-guest that won't be easily evicted and to counter it's arguments." She sighed.
"Is it helping?" Applejack asked.
"Nope." Twilight sipped her coffee, Applejack and Spike gave each other worried looks.
"Twi, I wanna know why you thought suicide was a valid reaction. I know what ya said back then, but you weren't exactly stable. I wanna help as best as I can, and for that, I think ah need to know what has you so depressed."
Twilight looked hard at Spike.
"Not in front of him." She answered.
"What!?" Spike exclaimed. "I won't have nightmares or something if that's what you think!"
"No, I just... I don't want you to hear it Spike." She sighed.
"Fine, fine! Kick out the dragon again! You're lucky I'm small for now!" Spike growled and stormed out.
"He'll be fine, I'll make him some hot cocoa or something later." Twilight said gently.
"So, what happened Twilight?" Applejack asked.
"I was beaten and molested by my parents. I was raped by my brother. I was gaslit. I was granted no privacy, not even in the bathroom. My journals were subject to being invaded and corrected by my parents if I didn't paint them in a positive light, eventually I just stopped writing..."
If Applejack was upset by this news, she hid it well.
"Maybe ya should start a journal again. Defy them that made you feel like ya couldn't?" She suggested.
"...Maybe." Twilight sipped her coffee.
"I always thought it was terrible awful my parents died, but, at least while they was here they loved me." Applejack whispered.
"Spike, bless him, still loves my mother. She treated him better than she ever treated me. I don't know how he'd react if I destroyed his idea of a perfect "grandma", I... I actually at one point started to hate him Applejack. I... I shouldn't, but I love my parents, and I wanted her to love me the way she loved Spike!" Twilight began sobbing.
A pale gold handkerchief was suddenly in front of her, wiping her eyes.
"Twilight, I'm so sorry you went through so much pain."
"Thanks." She sniffled. "I mean, of course I love Spike, he's like a brother or a son to me, but, I used to hate him. It wasn't until I was sent to Ponyville that I began to recover a bit, and I still treated him like nothing more than a servant. He didn't deserve that. Not any of it."
"Maybe you should talk to him?" Applejack suggested.
"But he's just a baby!" Twilight argued.
"Spike is more grown up and mature than you realize Twilight."
"I don't want him to feel bad for loving my family." She muttered.
"Do you love your family, Twilight?" Applejack asked bluntly.
"I... yes. But that's not the point!" She argued.
"That's exactly the point. You're both gonna get hurt from all this mess. Honestly, I'm surprised the Princess hasn't sent a letter to your parents."
"Luna was in my fever dreams, she probably intercepted the letter or told Celestia not to before she did it." Twilight muttered, and then became angry. "Or maybe, those bastards got it and were only sad I hadn't succeeded and worried I'd expose them!"
"Twi, deep breath." Applejack reminded.
She inhaled slowly and then exhaled, trying to imagine the anger leaving her in the same breath.
"They are my family Applejack." Twilight cried.
"How about I share mine?" Applejack suggested.
Twilight smiled, and laughed a little. "Gee, thanks."
"Twilight Sparkle, I am serious. You're now my sister, because I said so, you deserve a good family, and I'll let you into mine!" Applejack shouted. "If I have to marry ya to make ya an Apple I will!"
Twilight stared at Applejack for a moment and began twitching.
"Twi?" Applejack asked concerned for her friend.
The twitching continued, and then a laugh spilled out. Twilight fell over, laughing and wheezing.
"Twilight? You okay?" Applejack asked.
"Sorry. Sorry. I just-" She coughed and laughed at the same time. "I just pictured you in a fancy frilly wedding dress, wearing your stetson and I-I..." the laughter continued.
"Glad to be of assistance." Applejack smiled.
Twilight sighed and opened the pill bottle, so far they were giving her nothing but trouble, but her psychiatrist didn't think the symptoms were bad enough to stop after just two weeks.
"Stupid pills, stupid nausea, stupid stupid headaches." Twilight grumbled. "How the buck am I supposed to feel any better if these bastards keep causing migraines? For that matter, who the buck decided the only way to treat depression, is to give you a pill that can make you want to kill yourself? "
Applejack heard a bang and started. "Twi?" She called.
"Twilight!" Spike called.
The two exchanged quick worried looks and raced up the stairs to Twilight's room.
The purple mare was on the floor convulsing, blood was leaking out with saliva onto the floor.
"Twilight!" Applejack screamed. "Spike, send a letter to the doctor now, tell 'er Twilight's havin' a seizure!"
"It's okay Twilight, we'll help you, we'll make sure you're okay." The orange mare assured nudging Twilight so she would not damage herself more.
"Man, Twilight's really having a bad time." Spike said as he raced to get parchment and a quill.
"It musta been those pills!" Applejack yelled and glared at the orange bottle she could see on Twilight's bathroom sink.
"Those headaches was probably somethin' to do with this, and her doctor didn't listen!"
Spike came running back into the bathroom with a letter.
"She says she needs to go to the hospital as soon as possible." Spike informed her. "She also says that yes the pills may have something to do with it and she needs to stay there until she's stabilized because just stopping them can cause more harm."
"Applejack?" A soft voice whispered.
"Twi, it's okay, I'm here. Your pills caused a seizure, we gotta get you to the hospital."
Applejack paced the waiting room. Logically she'd seen seizures before in some of her farm animals, but she'd never been this effected before. 'Course you weren't, it wasn't yer best friend dumbdumb.
"Miss... Applejack?" The nurse called. "You can come visit her now."
"Is she alright?" Applejack asked as she entered the room.
"She's stable. A bit bruised, but her mind is fine. We'll keep her a couple days, while we work her off of her current medication. She'll have to go back to Dr. Star as soon as possible to get a different medication regime worked out. She can't stay on a medication that's going to cause seizures."
"Was this a known side effect?" A angry voice questioned, and the nurse leapt into the air.
"Pri-Princess Luna! No! I mean, yes! But it's very very rare! Doctor Star must have thought the risk was worth it." the nurse babbled.
"Let me get this straight. Doctor Star thought a medication that might kill Twilight was a logical first step?" Luna yelled.
"Well, it was only a seizure, it is not a death sent-"
"It may well have been!" Luna screamed. "Had she fallen down stairs or or-"
"Miss Luna! All medications have side effects! The medication Twilight Sparkle was on was known to be very helpful in combating depression, and only have a tiny percent of causing seizures, and of that tiny percent, they are normally ponies prone to seizures in the first place!"
"You will be putting her on something else, yes?" Luna asked.
"Yes."
"Good."
Twilight stared at the blue alicorn, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Twilight, did I frighten you?" Luna asked gently.
Twilight did not answer, instead she began sobbing.
"Twilight!" Luna exclaimed and gently took the purple mares hoof. When Twilight curled into her and embraced her Luna held her tightly.
"Why can't you be my mother instead?" Twilight mumbled, getting snot on Luna's coat.
"I could actually." Luna answered. "It would take a bit of paperwork, as you are already a legal adult, but it could be done."
"If you and Celestia had been getting along and were able to take me in ages ago none of this would have ha- whaaat?" Twilight finally registered what Luna had said.
Luna laughed lightly. "I said I could adopt you. There is much paperwork involved, but as you are an adult, we would not need the consent of those who call themselves your parents, nor would we have to fight them in court to take away their rights."
"You... you sound like you really would actually do it." Twilight stuttered her mouth hanging open.
"I would. If you'll have me as your mother, I will walk down to the courthouse right now and get the required documents for us to fill out and get started. You deserve a mother who will love and care for and protect you." Luna said fiercely. "If you'll consent, I could be that mother for you."
Twilight couldn't speak, she hugged the blue mare tighter and sobbed into her fur.
Suddenly her demeanor changed and Luna listened closely, the unicorn was... laughing?
"Are you alright Twilight or have you lost your mind?"
"I just thought, if you adopt me, then Celestia would be my aunt too! Just like Cadance!" Twilight smiled. "Wait.... how is Cadance related to you guys anyway?"
"We adopted her too. She's an honorary niece."
"Oh... that doesn't sound as interesting." Twilight commented still sniffling. "But what if my mom gets mad?"
Luna smirked. "Twilight, your parents have been banished. They'd never even find out."
"You... you banished them?" Twilight asked, feeling a strange pang of sadness and relief.
"Indeed. We banished them. Banished them and then threw them in a dungeon in the place that we banished them to." Luna laughed.
"Oh that's grea- wait how do you know about that?!" Twilight yelled.
"Fluttershy told us. It was quite humorous. But, they have simply been banished from Equestrian society, and I will not burden you with any more details, I do not wish you to have a moment of wanting them back and making a mistake." Luna answered.
Twilight suddenly yawned a very large yawn. It seemed her exciting and emotional days were finally taking their toll.
Luna smiled and began to hum an old lullaby Celestia used to sing to her. The words came back so easy even though it had been over a thousand years since she had last heard it.
Luna felt Twilight's breathing deepen as the young mare fell asleep cuddled into her side. She smiled as she watched the steady rise and fall of the mare's chest.
Indeed, it would probably upset 'Tia, but Luna knew Twilight deserved a loving family.
Author's Note
This is the lullaby I was thinking of if you want to listen.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eSk0o8iHro
A Very Angry Alicorn Confrontation
"Good evening Ms Velvet and Mr Light." Celestia smiled serenely at the two unicorns.
"Good evening Princess Celestia." The two answered bowing.
"Now now, no need for that." Celestia smiled. "I just wished to talk with you about your daughter."
"Oh no, is Twilight in trouble?" Night Light asked.
"You could say that." Celestia answered sipping on her tea.
"Have some tea, please." She offered the two unicorns.
"Um, no offense but if there's something wrong with our daughter I feel we have the right to know." Night Light said firmly.
Oh, of course you believe you have the right to know! Celestia thought to herself.
"Indeed, but the news is not good, and this tea is a very special blend that will allow you to process this much better and handle the situation appropriately."
"Hey Auntie! Oh hello Night Light! Hello Twilight Velvet!" Cadence smiled warmly.
"Cadence! What are you doing here?" Night Light asked as he and his wife drank the tea forced onto them.
"Oh, Auntie and I just have some questions for you." She smiled. "You see, Twilight Sparkle, your beloved daughter Twilight Sparkle, was recently put in the hospital, apparently she poisoned herself with a very very toxic plant that she really should have, and did know better than to eat."
"Oh... oh... my baby!" Velvet cried.
"Oh indeed, it is awful." Cadence sighed. "But, well the effects of ragwort, it causes stomach twisting, fever, hallucinations, nightmares, and well, Aunt Luna saw some very interesting things in Twilight's nightmares. Things she knows actually happened, that tormented that poor mare for many years."
"Oh nonsense!" Night Light shouted. "Nightmares are just that! Nightmares! Twilight had a wonderful life growing up!"
"No, they are not Night Light. And you seem quite defensive without knowing the content. Guilty conscious?" Luna hissed into his ear, startling the stallion so badly he fell out of his chair. "For you see Night Light, Twilight Velvet, there is in fact a distinct difference in forms of dreams. Of course you have your normal dreams, dreams of everyday events, or silly things, then you have your dreams that are comprised of your hopes and desires, then there's the ones comprised of your fears, usually nightmares but not always , and there's also a very special class of nightmare, one that is commonly found in soldiers, and victims of rape, assault, and abuse."
"These particular nightmares are memories my little ponies." Celestia said. "Memories tainted and nightmares brought to life merged into one awful thing generally known as a night terror . These night terrors are quite common in children, but always fade out with time. However, as Luna said, those who have suffered great trauma will often continue to have these night terrors. Now apparently Twilight was reliving some very traumatic things, usually involving her brother and father. Though sometimes aided by her mother."
Night Light shrank in his seat.
"Now, are you still going to lie to me?!" Celestia shouted into his face.
"I suggest banishment!" Cadence piped up.
"Heavens no!" Luna exclaimed. "Nothing deserves this filth."
"Nothing but the caves beneath Canterlot?" Cadence suggested.
"Perfect." Celestia grinned wickedly.
"Terrible ponies rot in the crystal caves to atone for their sins." Celestia laughed manically. "You see, you're actually quite lucky Twilight's therapist and friends are the only ones besides us who know. Ponies don't take too kindly to those who touch innocent fillies inappropriately, particularly not ones who do it repeatedly, and especially not when it is that filly's very own parents."
A flash of white and a cut opened on Night Lights cheek. Together Celestia and Luna broke the horns of the unicorn couple, it would not due to have them have any way of escape. Screaming could be heard, but like good guards, nobody intervened, since it did not sound like their princesses, they assumed it must be a pony deserving of punishment.
Celestia pushed Night Light to the ground, while Cadence held down Twilight Velvet.
"So, how does it feel being tormented?" Celestia asked, smiling serenely.
"Stop! Stop! We're sorry!" The mare screamed. "Help! Somepony!"
"Oh they can't hear you." Cadence laughed.
"Goodbye, my little ponies." Luna flared her horn, there was a flash, and the spot Twilight's parent's occupied was empty, Celestia and Cadence fell to their faces at the disrupted balance.
"Awww. Lulu, I wanted to torment them some more." Celestia pouted. "It was quite cathartic."
"Yes, but it doesn't look good on you sister. Besides, I think Twilight would probably like to see her mentor again."
"She's awake again?"
"Indeed. She was dreaming of better times with you, so I think maybe you should visit."
"I shall then. By the way, where did you send them?" Celestia asked.
"The deepest pit of Tartarus, obviously." Luna answered brightly.
"Even Tirek wasn't put that far." Celestia mused.
"Of course, Tirek was evil and power hungry, not psychotic and getting his rocks off by tormenting an innocent filly for sexual reasons."
Author's Note
That actually felt really good to write. Should I be concerned?
"Sister, I have something I need to speak with you about." Luna said hesitantly.
"This better not be you wanting to bring another timberwolf cub into the castle, the last one nearly destroyed it." Celestia sighed as she looked over her paperwork. "First tell me how Twilight has been holding up."
"Actually..... both of those are somewhat related." Luna said evasively.
"Luna." Celestia stared hard at her.
"Sister, I wish to adopt Twilight, and have her live here in the castle with us once she is free of the care of Fluttershy." Luna said firmly.
"And if I refuse to sign the papers?" Celestia asked.
"Well...see....I kind of already told Twilight I'd do it, so if you refuse you break the poor mare's heart. 'Tia, she deserves a mother, not a monster." Luna pleaded. "I have been caring for her and monitoring her along with her friends ever since she was released from the hospital the first time. 'Tia that is a broken mare. Her parents and her brother very nearly destroyed her. I wish for her to have a family that will show her what a real family is. I know you would make a wonderful aunt to Twilight, and she was quite happy at the thought of Cadence being her "real" family as well."
"You know simply signing some papers and calling yourself her mother will not cure her, yes?" Celestia sighed deeply, hiding the spark of happiness at the thought of being a real aunt to Twilight.
"I do. But I also believe that it will help her to have something stable and a mother figure, and even better, an actual mother. Besides....I've always wanted a foal."
"You... you have?" Celestia asked in wonderment.
Luna nodded.
"I simply never brought it up to you because I know it is impossible for an Alicorn to have a child, I knew what I was sacrificing when we became such, I thought the ponies we would rule would be like my children, and I could accept that, but I still always wanted a foal. I never brought it up to you in fear of you not having those same desires and me putting it into your head and upsetting you." Luna sighed. "Twilight may not be a tiny filly anymore, but she will be my daughter, even if you refuse to sign the papers, in spirit, she is mine already. I would do anything to protect her. She saved me that solstice, I can now return the favor."
Tears leaked from Celestia's eyes. "I-oh Lulu, of course I'll sign the papers for you."
Luna smiled, "Thank you 'tia."
"No, Luna, thank you. I do not think any student has had such an impact on me before. I had honestly hoped someday she could become a princess herself Lulu." Celestia smiled shyly.
"Oh... oh! Yes! That would be so wonderful!" Luna exclaimed.
Suddenly there was a yellow flash, and very thick stack of papers, a fancy quill, and an ink bottle, appeared in front of Luna.
"This however, will not be so wonderful. You dear sister, have some signing to do."
Luna's ears fell flat.
"Oh horseapples."
"I only have to sign twice!" Celstia singsonged.
Luna shot a small blast of lighting at Celestia's flank.
"Ow! That wasn't nice."
Luna simply smirked and began reading over the papers, signing where it was needed.
Luna meandered through the city streets, wondering what kind of decorations Twilight would like in her room.
She seemed fond of her treehouse in Ponyville, and she would quite obviously be allowed to continue living there once she recovered, but Luna wished to make a room just for Twilight, to show her she would always be welcome.
"So, what do I know about Twilight....Books obviously, a couple bookshelves would be most appreciated. Favorite color, I believe she said once it was blue, blue and yellow. Hmm. Some pastels would go wonderfully together." Luna nodded to herself and entered one of the shops. "And a space for Spike too of course..."
The shop was quite colorful, full of lots of bright fabrics and furniture.
"Princess Luna!" The shopkeep exclaimed as he bowed. "How can I help you today?"
"I need some furniture. A bed, and a simple closet." Luna said.
"Yes Princess, this way." He lead her to a very large section, with many fancy beds and throws.
"Oh... Um not like this." Luna smiled. "Something very very simple. It's for Twi- a friend."
It wouldn't do to cause unneeded rumors right now.
"Ah! Forgive me, I assumed they were for you princess, I apologize. Then we will need to go this way."
Luna followed, smiling at the thought of Twilight discovering her new room. She would be family, and welcome whenever she wished.
"Oh! This is much more her style!" Luna smiled meandering through the various simple designs and plain throws. A simple dark brown basket with a seemingly soft pillow inside caught her attention.
"Oh this would make a great bed for her friend too!" She exclaimed. Luna poked the inner material and it felt very soft. "Sir, do you have more like this wicker basket?"
"We have an entire line, but they are fairly expensive as they are hoof-woven and...and..and... and I'm telling a princess something is expensive..." He trailed off. "Anyway, follow me."
Luna did very much like the style of the wicker furniture, there were beds, chairs, even a privacy screen of woven wicker. Her style did not mean Twilight's style though, so she would have to test the waters.
"I'd like to buy the basket please. Just the basket for now. I'll give it to her friend in front of her and see how she likes the style." Luna smiled as she and the shopkeep headed back to the basket.
"Just the basket will be twenty bits, Princess Luna." He said as he rang up the purchase.
"Spike!" Luna called.
Twilight and Spike were sitting together, going over a comic.
"Need a letter sent to your sister?" He asked getting up and stretching.
"No, in fact, I bought you a gift. To show I appreciate you helping to look after Twilight." Luna smiled and pulled the basket out of the bag.
"Oooooh." Twilight whispered. "That's pretty."
Jackpot . Luna smiled.
"It is, isn't it? I thought maybe Spike would like one of his very own, rather than sharing the beds of Fluttershy's animals."
"I do!" Spike excalimed. "It looks so cozy and very well put together... it's just woven wicker, right?"
"It is. I thought it seemed similar enough to your bed back in the library that you'd be comfy in it."
"Spike, what do you say?" Fluttershy scolded.
"Oh! Yeah! Thanks Princess Luna!" He exclaimed as he jumped into the basket. Spike said nothing but made contented noises as he snuggled into the inner material. "Soooo comfy."
"Thanks Luna." Twilight said. "It's nice to get a bit of stability."
"Twilight, I have some paperwork for you to sign, is that okay?" Luna asked.
"What is it? Legal stuff?" Twilight asked, assuming it was something of her parents.
"Yes." Luna replied and handed the papers to Twilight.
Like she thought, Twilight was smart, and would sign nothing without reading it.
She watched as Twilight's eyes widened as she read through the various forms.
"Are-are-uh- You were serious." Twilight stuttered.
"Indeed." She smiled. "Sign where it says adoptee, and then all we need is Celestia's signature. This whole process is much easier when you're an adult."
Twilight began to hyperventilate, and fell over in a faint.
"That... that did not go as planned." Luna frowned.
"I think you broke her." Fluttershy whispered approaching the alicorn. She carefully prodded Twilight. "She's okay, she just got over excited. Are you really adopting her?"
"I am." Luna smiled struggling not to laugh at the unicorns predicament.
Author's Note
Note: Obviously, this is pre-flurry heart. She might end up existing still later on, but obviously will have a different loving daddy.
I am basing bits on the "An apple is four bits" from Call of the Cutie .
I felt we deserve a little cuteness after the last chapters. :)
Cadance's Crazy Concoction
Author's Note
Forewarning, this one is a bit worse than the others. Because I have often fantasized about punishing my own abusive brother, so this is kind of therapeutic to write and have Twilight's brother be punished and brought to justice for his crimes. My abuser too was in the military, and sometimes I like to think what would have happened had I had proof.
Cadance's Crazy Concoction
"So... um, Aunt Luna, where does Shining Armour live exactly?" Cadance asked.
"He lives in the barracks of course with the other soldiers." Luna answered. "Legally, I am not able to tell you precisely where that is, but I can tell you, should you go past the end of the cobblestone streets and then take a left at the first split, then go to the black tree and tap it three times, you will find something....good."
Luna trotted away with an evil smirk on her face, she wondered if Shining now knew someone would be coming for him, perhaps his worthless parents had already warned him, though she doubted they got the chance. Though maybe it would be better, if he knew what was coming for him, he'd be living in terror, the same terror Twilight lived in while living with that rot she called a family.
Luna began to smile to herself thinking of all that had happened. Normally she was not a pony of violence and tricks, but for a foal fiddler, she'd make an exception. If Cadance got caught, well, they'd simply tell the truth. Shining would never show his face again.
Cobblestone streets, cobblestone streets, cobblestone ah-! There it is! Cadance hummed to herself and tucked away the potion she'd made into her mane. And there was the tree.
Tap it? Cadance wondered. She lifted a hoof and gently tapped a knot in it's trunk three times, and the tree fell through the earth.
Oh . Cadance thought, That was easier than I thought.
"Hello! I wish to see the unicorn known as Shining Armour please." Cadance called into the tunnel.
A guard approached her, glaring. "And what is the subject of this mee- oh! Cadenza, I'll go get him."
"Hey Cadance!" Shining exclaimed. "What's going on?"
"Nothing important, I just wanted you to maybe take some time off to hang out with me." She smiled.
"Oh! Sure." The stallion smiled and fell into step beside the alicorn of love as she led him away from the rest of the ponies.
Cadance wanted to personally be the one hand down Shining's punishment. He'd trust her, and he'd also lied to her. To Cadance it did not matter that he had grown up with parents who may have taught him it was okay to torment his baby sister, he'd become a guard and taken an oath to not cause harm. An oath that once broken, the punishment was death.
"Oh, here Shining, I made you some juice, it's a special berry mixture." She hovered the bottle over to him.
"Oh, thanks?" He said taking the bottle in his magic.
"Well? Why don't you try it?" Cadance pouted.
Shining uncorked the bottle and took a small sip of the concoction. "Not bad."
"You should drink it all, it'll go bad quickly once it's been opened." She instructed, not entirely lying.
Shining downed the drink, and then shuddered.
"What-what did you do to me?" He choked.
"Oh nothing. Just a concoction of truth potion, with a little mind control, that's all." She waved her hoof. "Okay no, I'm not going to do that. Much fun as it seemed with Luna and Celestia."
"Why would you give me a truth potion?" He gasped.
"Oh, I think you know why." Cadance answered. "Now Shiny, follow me."
Against his will the white stallion was brought into the streets of Canterlot.
"Now, Captian Shining Armour of the Canterlot royal guards, I want you to tell me something."
His eyes went wide, thinking of all the secrets he hid in his life.
"No. Cadance, please don't." He pleaded, his voice magnified as Cadance cast a spell on it.
"Oh, someone else has a guilty conscious?" She smiled her own voice magnified as well. "Your parents did, too. Before they were banished to the mazes of the crystal mines. Now, what could they have done to deserve such a fate? Oh, that's right, they beat, raped and psychologically tortured your little sister, and not only did you do nothing to intervene, you joined in, didn't you?"
"Yes." He spluttered, trying to fight the potion.
A collective gasp was heard and Cadance happily acknowledged the crowd she had gathered. All according to plan.
"Did you, Shining Armour, of your own free will and at the time under no mind control, also rape, beat, and torment your little sister?"
"I did." He answered.
"That will be all." Cadance smirked ending the voice spell. "I suggest you run."
The crowd turned mob glared at the trembling royal guard.
"Oh, wait, before I forget. Shining Armour, you are hereby dishonorably discharged from the royal guard, you lose your title as captain and you lose your barrack as well. Your belongings will not be returned to you, they will instead be granted to the orphanage, to actually make some foals happy. And if you ever come near your victim again, I will destroy you, if this crowd doesn't first. Let it be known, if this stallion shall die at your hooves, not a single pony here will be tried for murder. Good day." Cadance smiled wickedly and teleported back to the castle, leaving the furious mob to handle Shining.
Author's Note
trigger warning for sexual assault, though, by this point is that even really necessary?
Nightmares Resurface
Twilight pouted.
"Twilight, you need your sleep, please." Fluttershy pleaded.
"Fine fine. Everyone treating me like a filly again." Twilight grumbled and slammed the book shut and trotted to her new bed.
Twilight had to admit, the bed was awfully comfortable. Nuzzling into the soft blankets Twilight sighed deeply and attempted to clear her mind, lately it was the only way she could fall asleep.
"Here." Fluttershy said gently, presenting Twilight with a cup of hot tea.
"Oh, thank you Fluttershy."
"It's really nothing, get some sleep Twilight." Fluttershy said gently.
Finishing her tea, Twilight yawned deeply. Okay, maybe Fluttershy was right...
Twilight poked her head up at the sound, a bang?
Stretching, Twilight went to investigate, if something had randomly fallen from the wall she'd have to fix it.
"Hey Twily, I came to visit."
Her blood ran cold and she peeked around the door to her room.
Her brother stood in the hallway, looking happy.
"I-Uh..." Twilight stepped out, wondering how much he knew. He'd been banished along with her parents, hadn't he? So how was he now standing in Cantlerlot castle?
"Fluttershy!" Twilight screamed.
"Oh she went out," Shining Armour smiled. "She told me to look after you."
".....Fluttershy wouldn't do that." Twilight assured herself, shaking now.
"Oh, but she would." A wicked grin spread on his muzzle. "Seems she only decided to take care of you because Princess Luna ordered her too. She didn't actually want you and your broken filth anywhere near her."
"No... that's not true." Twilight insisted beginning to cry.
She tried to run away, but something stopped her. Her eyes snapped open to see Shining Armour standing over her, pinning her down.
"No! Please! No!" She screamed. "Please big brother! Don't do this!"
"Your pleading is actually quite arousing." He hissed in her ear.
"Twilight."
"Please," She choked. "Don't."
"I think I will anyway," he spat. "This is what you get for opening your filthy whore mouth."
His hoof roamed over her body and she flinched, why couldn't she just stop him?
"Twilight! Please!"
"No! Don't do this Shining!" Twilight screamed as she shot out of her bed.
"Twilight. It's okay, it was just a nightmare." Luna whispered.
"Princess Luna!" Twilight exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"
"I believe the proper term is "mother", "mom" and "mommy" are also acceptable." Luna said gently.
Oh.
"I was having nightmares?" Twilight asked.
"Terrors to be more precise, I cannot exactly stop those." Luna said angrily.
And the nightmare came back to Twilight, and she started to cry.
"He said I was broken." She sniffled.
"You are not broken Twilight Sparkle!" Luna said angrily. "You are a very hurt filly who went through far too much. You are not broken."
"But no one will ever want to be with me." Twilight sniffed. "I'm not a virgin. " She spat the last word with venom.
"Yes, you are." Luna answered. "It is not something anyone can take from you Twilight. You must give it willingly."
"You think so?" Twilight asked.
"I know so." Luna nodded.
"When do you think the nightmares will stop?" Twilight asked nuzzling into Luna's chest fur.
"They will become less frequent as you face these demons head on, I think." Luna responded. "They will probably temporarily be more frequent as you face these memories in therapy though, and I will do what I can to make you comfortable Twilight, my little lavender lamb."
Twilight giggled at the pet name.
"You do not mind pet names, do you?" Luna asked.
"Well, you're my mother . Isn't it a job description to come up with embarrassing pet names?"
"You find it embarrassing?" Luna questioned, not wanting to upset Twilight.
"No! I like it... just.. maybe keep it between us?"
"Will do." Luna smiled. "Now do you think you can go back to sleep Lamb?"
"Yeah, if you stay here." Twilight answered and snuggled into her mothers soft blue fur.
"I will always stay when you need me Twilight." Luna assured her and gave her a small nuzzle.
Twilight's Therapy Time - Counseling Begins
Twilight twisted and turned the small puzzle cube in her hooves, she found working with her hooves allowed the puzzle to actually be a bit of a challenge, rather than just magically put it all back to the right colors matching up.
Suddenly the puzzle was lifted away from her in a blue aura.
"Hey!" Twilight pouted at Luna.
"Twilight, the therapist has said your name three times now." Luna smiled.
"Oh jeez! I'm so sorry!" Twilight exclaimed and leapt from her seat.
"It's not a problem Twilight, come with me." The red mare laughed.
"Sooooooo.... therapy?" Twilight asked.
"Yes, this is for therapy. My name is Sparkling Apple." The mare informed her and opened a door.
"Apple... Are you related to the Apple's who own the farm in Ponyville?"
"I am. Do you enjoy their products?" Sparkling Apple asked.
"Oh, very much." Twilight nodded. "Applejack is one of my best friends."
"I see! Well, you needn't be concerned about any of this getting back to Applejack, I promise. Therapist/patient confidentiality and all that. My work ceases when I step out the door, should I ever see you at a family gathering, you understand, I will have to pretend I do not know you." Sparkling Apple assured her.
"Thank you." Twilight muttered with her head down, embarrassed at the thought of her secrets being spilled to Applejack. Applejack was a great friend, no doubt about it, but sometimes you just had to talk to a professional, Twilight reasoned.
"So, Twilight, do you want to explain why you're here?" Sparkling Apple asked.
"Uh... isn't it already on the papers?" Twilight asked.
"I'd prefer if you tell me. That way we can get it out and it will be easier for you to talk to me."
"Okay. Well....I was abused growing up. I was kinda the black sheep in my family. They always pushed me to do the best I could, but.... I think it was because they were all worried how a failure would look on them. Which lead me to be really really terrified of failure. I even... well once I even created a problem with friendship to send a letter to Princess Celestia and she had to come to Ponyville herself to sort it out and, god I felt so stupid , but all my friends reassured me then and...." Twilight suddenly felt sad when she thought of that, Rainbow Dash still wasn't speaking to her. "I actually lost a friend because of all this."
"Oh dear, that's never good. But you said you had other friends yes? How are they at helping you?" Sparkling Apple questioned.
"Oh great actually. Fluttershy, I'm sure you know Fluttershy, she's like the resident veterinarian in Ponyville."
Sparkling Apple nodded. "I've heard of her yes, never needed her assistance myself though, I lack any animals, allergies you know."
"Yes, well, I've actually been living with Fluttershy, until Luna gave me my room in the castle, but I think she wants me to still live with Fluttershy for now, so I can always have someone monitoring me to make sure I don't try to off myself again."
"Yes, the suicide attempt. Twilight, I want you to do something that is going to be painful. I want you to tell me exactly what you were feeling when you attempted that, exactly what drove you to it."
"I... I don't want to talk about it." Twilight muttered.
"I understand that Twilight, but sometimes we do need to talk about things we'd rather not, especially in therapy, if you do not face all that has caused you to make an attempt on your life, it will simply fester, no matter how good you think you are doing now, it will very likely come back later on down the road. So please, Twilight, tell me why you felt suicide was the only way out." Sparkling Apple said this all very gently and softly, but Twilight still felt like she was under attack.
"I...was sick of the nightmares, I just kept having them, they weren't usually anything concrete, just, you know, all encompassing nothingness, feelings of despair, and I was sick of lying to everypony about how much I loved my family, it's why I was so happy to be sent to Ponyville, no one knew my family there, I didn't have to talk about them. I could pretty well pretend they just didn't exist." Twilight took in a deep breath and continued. "It was easy to pretend the nightmares were just about bad stuff that happened back in Canterlot. You know, failing a test in front of everyone, falling off a cliff, that sort of thing. It was easy to lie. And then they started coming back more and more, and eventually it was every night, and I was just so so so tired of it, so I went into the Everfree Forest, found some ragwort, and I ate it at home, hoping to just die in my sleep and nopony would be any the wiser. No guilt for my friends, or the princesses or Spike." Twilight began to sob.
"Spike?"
"He's the baby dragon I hatched for my entry test to Celestia's School For Gifted Unicorns, she let me keep and care for him once he was a bit bigger, and he's kinda like my little brother slash son. I love him so much."
"Ah, you went to the gifted school! I take it you enjoy studying?"
"Yeah, it let me get away from my family for awhile, which was good."
"Not exactly what I meant, I mean do you enjoy reading and studying things?"
"Oh! Yeah I love to study and read complex things." Twilight nodded.
"Alright, I'm going to ask you to read something, if you do not have the money to buy it, I'm sure arrangements can be made, but it is called Healing from Hidden Abuse, by Shannon Stable. I think maybe doing something you love, that is also tied to therapy and healing, may be very beneficial to you."
"Okay!" Twilight lit up. She could read and help herself, it sounded too good to be true.
"I warn you, the book may be triggering, but without confrontation of your problems, you will not manage to heal."
"Are you sure?" Twilight asked.
"Positive. You need to get it out." Sparkling Apple said firmly. "And now, I'm sorry Twilight, but I must end our session, the hour is up and I have another patient to see."
"Thank you Sparkling Apple, thank you so much." Twilight said as she left. "Goodbye, I'll see you next week?"
"Yes, talk to the receptionist and they'll get your next appointment set up. I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day Twilight."
"You too Miss Apple. Thank you again."
Author's Note
Yay! Official therapy! Poor Twilight.
The book actually exists, same name only the author is Shannon Thomas.
Stability Just Out Of Reach
Twilight tapped her hooves on the glass, quite enjoying the sound, she began to tap out a song.
"What is that melody Twilight?" Luna asked.
"Huh?" Twilight asked snapping out of her daze.
"You were tapping on the window, it seemed like a song." Luna said.
"Oh... I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention." She sighed.
"Are you alright Little Lamb?" Luna asked softly.
"I don't even know." Twilight muttered.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." Twilight mumbled into her foreleg.
"Are you going to anyway?" Luna asked.
"Fiiiine. I just... feel so worthless, like, all the time. I mean yeah I'm happy sometimes, but it's still there Luna. I still feel like I'm just a pathetic damaged little filly who can't even control her own life! If my own parents didn't love me, who ever will?"
"Twilight Sparkle!" Luna chided. "I loved you from the moment I met you. You saved me Twilight. I owe my life to you."
"Is that the only reason you're trying to help me? Repay a debt? Because if it is, you might as well leave." She answered.
"Twilight! I would never think to do all I've done simply to repay a debt." Luna was genuinely hurt Twilight would think that of her, she had to remind herself Twilight was dealing with depression to not let the hurt cut deep.
"I'm not worth it Luna, I'm just going to keep messing up and keep going back to wanting to kill myself. You have better ponies you could be trying to save. I'm a lost cause."
"Nopony is a lost cause!" Luna exclaimed. "Especially not you Twilight!"
"Am I ever going to be normal again? No? Lost cause." Twilight replied.
"Define "Normal" for me first." Luna said. "It doesn't exist."
"Normal, as an adjetive, conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. As a noun, the usual, average, or typical state or condition. As a technical definition, a line at right angles to a given line or surface." Twilight recited, as if she'd swallowed a dictionary.
"Twilight." Luna said flatly, clearly not amused by Twilight's snark.
"Hey, you asked me to define normal, I did."
"Normal in relation to ponies does not exist." Luna corrected with a sigh.
"I'm pretty sure normal ponies don't try to off themselves with poison." Twilight answered.
"Normal ponies also don't go crazy and transform into a monstrous pony with fangs and try to cause eternal night either, but what can you do?" Luna smirked.
"That's different!" Twilight defended.
"It's really not." Luna answered. "You tried to kill yourself, I tried to kill an entire world. Had I succeeded in bringing about eternal night, everything eventually would have died."
"Not everything. " Twilight mumbled defensively.
"Yes, everything, there needs to be a balance." Luna sighed. "Just as there needs to be balance in your mind Twilight, light and dark, too much light can make you, well a bit crazy, too full of yourself, cocky and prone to disaster, too much dark, and you lose your way. You need balance, and that's what all of this therapy is about, finding that balance."
Author's Note
And here begins the self injury problems. Just so you're forewarned.
A Terrible Coping Method
Twilight wandered through the streets of Canterlot, Fluttershy beside her.
"Really Fluttershy, I don't need a babysitter." Twilight argued.
"The princess ordered me to..." Fluttershy stated.
"You know, as nice as it is to have a decent mother, sometimes, I wish she'd be a litttttle less decent." Twilight huffed.
"She just wants to keep you safe Twilight." Fluttershy said.
"I know, I know, I know." She sighed. "So, where were we headed anyways?"
"Oh I was headed to the animal shop! They sell some nice things here that I can't buy back in Ponyville." Fluttershy smiled thinking of her animal friends being happy.
"Well, it's right there." Twilight pointed to the small shop. "I'm going to go find some books or something."
"Don't wander too far." Fluttershy said gently.
Twilight glared at the ground, wishing everypony would just get off her back.
"I'm not a filly!" She screamed, her anger finally exploding. "And I'm tired of everypony acting like I'm going to fling myself off a fucking cliff or something!"
Twilight ran, twisting and turning along the streets, she felt her lungs would burst with the exertion until she finally collapsed, tripping over her own hooves.
A burning started in the base of her hoof and she examined it to discover what was stuck, glass, of course, that's what she got for running through the streets without watching anything. She pulled the shard out with her magic, it was fairly large, she'd have to bandage it later. Or not, if it got infected she might die from it, and then it really would be an accident.
Twilight began to poke at her leg with the glass shard, and with a quick slice, tore through her skin. She hissed in pain, but at the same time, the pain felt good.
"I'm not dreaming." Twilight whispered as she sat in the dark alley. "I am alive! Of course I can't even bucking kill myself correctly, this can't all be some near death experience, no it's never that easy."
"Twilight!" Luna exclaimed. "There you are."
"Go away." Twilight hissed.
"Your friend came to me crying Twilight, what did you say to her?" Luna asked, staring her down.
"I said, I'm not a filly and I don't need a bucking babysitter!" Twilight shouted into Luna's face. "And you know what? I don't need a mother either, so leave me alone!"
This time, Twilight simply sat and began crying.
"My little lamb, you need help, you need friends." Luna whispered sitting beside Twilight. "I know you feel defeated, and I know you are depressed, but that is why you need your friends."
"But, I'm not worth it." Twilight muttered staring at her bleeding foreleg.
"You are worth the world Twilight Sparkle. What happened?" Luna questioned, pointing at the gash.
"I accidentally fell and cut myself on some broken glass." Twilight lied, surprised at how easy the lie came to her. Technically, she reminded herself, it wasn't a lie, the fall was accidental.
"Come on home Lamb, we'll get you cleaned up." Luna nuzzled Twilight's cheek.
"This will hurt a bit." Celestia said softly.
"I could help if you need Princess." Fluttershy volunteered.
"Can't hurt worse than shoving broken glass into myself." Twilight replied.
"Actually, since we'll be insuring we've pulled out any glass shards, purifying the wound, and then sealing it...it might." Luna said.
"Aren't you supposed to tell me "everything will be fine" and "this won't hurt a- YAAAAAAA" Twilight yelled as the glass was pulled from her hoof.
"Sorry." Celestia smiled sadly holding the glass shards in her magic. "It seemed better to remove it while you were distracted."
"You two planned this didn't you? Evil I say! Evil!" Twilight pouted.
"When you have a sister, some things do not need to be planned to work." Luna smiled hovering over the bandages and a strange bluish-green pulp. "Now I promise, this will not hurt. It may feel very very cold, but it will not hurt."
Luna was correct, as she spread the strange paste on Twilight's hoof, she felt as if her frog had been dipped in ice water.
"Cold.Cold.Cold." Twilight muttered as her body reflectively shuddered.
"I did warn you." Luna smiled and wrapped Twilight's hoof in bandages. "You should still be able to walk on it, just leave the bandage for a few days, alright?"
"Okay." Twilight muttered.
"Now, are you going to tell me what caused your fight with Fluttershy?" Luna asked.
"You." Twilight said simply.
"Me?" Luna asked, baffled by this response.
"Yes, you. Treating me like I'm a little filly and need to be monitored twenty-four-seven." Twilight answered mockingly. "What? You think I'm gonna kill myself or get struck by a meteorite or something if I'm not monitored all the time?"
Luna pointed to Twilight's bandaged foot.
"That happened when no one was with you."
"Bad example." Twilight answered. "That could have happened anywhere."
"Not to a pony who was watching where she was going and not overcome with emotions." Luna countered.
"I've walked into walls while paying attention!" Twilight argued.
"Did you? Or did you think reading and walking at the same time was doable?" Luna teased.
"It is doable!" Twilight countered. "Most of the time..."
"Twilight, how are you feeling?" Fluttershy asked softly.
Twilight started and glanced towards the Pegasus, she's quite forgotten Fluttershy was there.
"Angry. Angry and sad and defeated, and my bucking hoof hurts." Twilight answered. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Fluttershy."
"It's okay, you're hur-"
"No, Fluttershy, it's not okay. Me being a mental disaster does not give me the right to be mean and nasty to my friends, especially not one who has been doing so much to help me."
"I forgive you." Fluttershy said and gave her friend a small nuzzle.
Twilight trotted through the castle to the kitchens, she knew what she wanted the only issue was finding it.
She rummaged through several drawers before finding the gleaming silver knife.
Twilight held the blade in her magic, and sliced across her hind leg. She knew where all the important ligaments and tendons were, she knew she could get away with this without ever causing permanent damage.
And she knew that for some strange reason, the pain felt good.
Twilight sat outside the castle on a bench, she was immersed in a fantasy book Luna had given her.
It was a tale a a group of cats all living together in a forest in relative disharmony. Boarder skirmishes, forbidden love, murder in the first chapter of the first book; really Twilight didn't understand how this material was suitable for the foals it was written for. Perhaps the reading level was rather low, but the content, Twilight felt it might be more appropriate for teens, and she was only on the third book.
"Um... excuse me?" A soft voice interrupted her reading.
Twilight looked up from her book and found a white mare staring at her.
"Oh, did you want the bench?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, no, I just....wantedtoknowifyoulikedthebook." She said the last part very quite and fast.
"Sorry?" Twilight blinked in confusion.
"I wanted to know if you liked the book." The mare repeated louder. "The one you're reading. It's just, it's one of my favorite series and I really love all the characters, especially Firestar, he's so brave and smart!"
"Huh, I thought he might become a leader." Twilight said.
"Oh! Oh no I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I don't think before I open my mouth and now I spoiled the book for you! I'm so sorry!" The mare exclaimed.
"Whoa there! It's okay." Twilight smiled. "I mean, is it really all that surprising that the main character would grow to lead his clan? I mean it's not like you told me when or how Bluestar dies! Now that would be awful."
"Yeah, yeah I guess. I'll just... I'll leave you to your book." The mare muttered and began to walk away.
Twilight attempted to get back into her book, she thought she was just about to discover what Graystripe was up to. And yet, something nagged at her. That mare.
"Hey! Wait!" Twilight called racing to catch up with the mare.
The mare looked quite shocked, and then looked down nervously.
"My name is Twilight Sparkle. Do you like books?" She asked, still awkward at making friends.
"Oh I love books!" The mares ears perked up. "Warriors, The Mists of Avalon! Lord of the Reins! Harry Trotter! Okay can you tell I love fantasy? Ooooh The Book of Ice and Fire! Oh! Tamora Prance!"
"Oh wow, those are all wonderful! I've actually read most of them, I used to live in a library before Lu-before moving to Canterlot."
"You lived in a library? " The mare looked as if her jaw would fall off. "Oh I'm so jealous!"
"Yep. I could read all I wanted! Provided nopony else had checked out the book I wanted. You have no idea how frustrating it was when Harry Trotter got so popular! I couldn't read the fifth book for three weeks! BUCKING ROWLING! Sorry, sorry. Just-" Twilight screamed in frustration.
"Oh, I know right? What was with her after the fifth book killing off all the best characters?" The mare exclaimed with a laugh.
"I think, she likes to watch us suffer." Twilight nodded.
"I'm Pearl Shine, and you are?" She asked.
"Twilight Sparkle, it's nice to meet a fellow bibliophile." She smiled, deciding not to tell the mare she'd already told her her name.
"You mind if I just call you Twilly and you can call me Pearl?" She asked.
"No!" Twilight yelled. "Don't ever call me that!"
The silver mare cowered.
"Oh-I-I'm so sorry Pearl Shine. I just, I really hate that name and I'm sorry, but you couldn't have known that and I shouldn't have yelled." Twilight shrunk down with her ears flat against her head. "Sorry."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have thought be so personal right away." Pearl began to walk away sadly.
"Hey! I didn't say I was mad, I just... bad associations with the name. I'd prefer just Twilight, please." Twilight said gently.
"Are you sure I didn't make you mad?" Pearl asked.
"Positive. It's not your fault, you can't have known." Twilight answered. "How about I take you to Golden Corral and buy you dinner to make up for it?"
"Oh no you don't have to-" Pearl's stomach growled and her ears lowered in embarrassment.
"That settles it! Off to Golden Corral!" Twilight exclaimed dramatically, attempting to force the bad mood behind her.
"So, what else do you do besides read?" Pearl asked as the two mares waited for their food, fruit loaded pancakes and strawberry syrup for both of them.
"I have no life outside of reading." Twilight deadpanned. "Okay but seriously, I like to help my friends, there always seems to be a friendship problem somewhere to solve, though lately I've been staying here in Canterlot, but I live in Ponyville. Did I already tell you I get to live in and run the Ponyville library? It's great! I've got a pet owl, I named him Owlowiscious, he actually helps me run the library. You know, getting books from high shelves and stuff. My little brother Spike is a big help too, he's a dragon. I mean, he's not my actual little brother, but for my entrance exam into CSGU I had to "hatch" his egg, found out later they just wanted to see our ability to levitate it, but anyway my frie-a pony I used to know, now this is before I knew her, accidentally did a sonic rainboom and shocked me so bad that my magic went out of control, and not only did I hatch Spike's egg, I made him grow fifty feet and crash through the roof!"
"That was you? " Pearl asked shocked.
"Yep. The one and only Twilight Sparkle, creator of disaster!" Twilight laughed, only half joking. "Celestia herself had to intervene because my magic went so crazy, I actually turned my parents into plants!" If only they'd stayed like that. She thought to herself.
"Oh. My. Faust. That's amazing!" Pearl laughed loudly. "You turned your parents into plants! "
"Indeed." Twilight nodded with a serious expression on her face.
"Here you are ladies" The server interrupted them, placing their plates of pancakes before them.
"Thank you, sir." Twilight smiled.
"Thanks!" Pearl smiled.
"So magic, reading, seriously though, what else do you do Twilight?" Pearl asked munching on her pancakes.
"I like bird-watching, my friend Fluttershy can actually understand the birds. I never knew how close a pony could get to birds until I met her. I'm kind of jealous. And I love just being outdoors, when I'm not locked up in the library reading." She smiled.
"Awww, but locking yourself up and marathoning through the whole Harry Trotter series in a day is the best!" Pearl laughed.
"You know, I actually tried that once." Twilight smiled. "It... didn't go so well."
"Same. Alas my brain can only take so much speed-reading." Pearl sighed dramatically. "Aside from my fruitless efforts to read the entire Harry Trotter series in a day, I love to map the stars. Like, yeah I know ponies have done it before, but they're just so beautiful. I wish I could meet Princess Luna and tell her how much I love her night sky."
Twilight fidgeted nervously. If this pony found out her relationship to Luna, would that change the newfound friendship?
"I've always loved the night sky." Twilight replied. "I could help you sometime, if you'd like."
"Oh that would be wonderful!" Pearl gave a large smile. "How about we get together tomorrow night for a little astrology-ASTRONOMY!"
Twilight laughed happily at Pearl's small mistake.
"You know Pearl, I think I'd love that." Twilight smiled.
Author's Note
Awww Twilight made a friend!
Will the new friend discover the source to Twilight's outburst? Maybe. Eventually.
I am assuming that Twilight and her friends aren't all that famous for bringing back Luna, Celestia never said anything about it directly, I don't think, until Twilight's coronation, and since this story takes place in AU before that would have ever happened in the shows timeline, I'm thinking most ponies don't know it was Twilight and the gang who did it.
Twilight is reading Warriors: Forest of Secrets in this chapter.
The ponified books in case it's not obvious, in order of appearance/mention: Lord of the Reins/Lord of the Rings, Harry Trotter/Harry Potter, Tamora Prance/Tamora Pierce.
(I figure the book "spoilers" I gave are safe at this point, it's been ten years lol)
And yes, Golden Corral is a real restaurant, I highly recommend their waffles and garlic cheese sticks!
Twilight hummed softly to herself as she prepared her tea, grabbing sugar and cream for Cadance's, she was supposed to be here already but Twilight was forcing herself not to worry.
"Twilight!" Cadance said happily. "I'm so sorry, I got caught up in a relationship problem, you know how ponies are."
"That's okay." Twilight said happily.
"You seem unusually chipper." Cadance smiled.
"I made a friend." Twilight responded with a smile of her own.
"A friend or a friend ?" Cadance teased.
"You would know if I was in love with her. Unless your love senses are broken." Twilight teased back. "But, really, she interrupted me reading Forest of Secrets, accidentally spoiled something I saw coming, and she felt so bad, it was kind of adorable."
"Aww. Twilight got her book spoiled, the world shall end!" Cadance declared dramatically.
"Haha, very funny. Anyway no, it wasn't really a spoiler, just informing me a natural progression I expected would indeed happen." Twilight said.
"Twilight, what's that?" Cadance asked staring at Twilight's hind leg, where more cuts joined the first.
"Oh, nothing. I just fell." Twilight lied.
"Twilight, I've known you since you were a filly, I know when you lie."
Twilight's ears lowered.
"I don't want to talk about it." She said firmly.
"If you don't talk to me I'll just go tell Luna." Cadance replied.
"Fine, I sliced myself with a knife, because it felt bucking good! Okay?" Twilight yelled.
"Twilight, that is a terrible way to handle things." Cadance answered.
"Yeah well, it's better than killing myself, right?"
"Anything is better than killing yourself Twilight, moot point." Cadance said softly.
"Sure sure, whatever." Twilight waved her hoof.
"Where is it?" Cadance asked. "The knife, where did you put it?"
"Not talking. Bye." Twilight trotted away and Cadance sighed.
To Luna I guess. She thought to herself.
The evening had already begun when Cadance trotted to Luna's courtroom.
"Aunt Luna, there is a problem that you need to address involving your daughter." Cadance said firmly carefully choosing her words to not expose Twilight in front of the night court.
"Is this an emergency?" Luna asked standing quickly.
"No. I do not believe so, but it does need to be addressed as soon as possible. She would not talk to me but she may talk to you."
Luna sighed heavily.
"I have duties here, so if she is not in danger, it must wait." Luna said. "Watch her for me."
"I will." Cadance nodded and left the room.
"Twilight, Cadance said you needed me?" Luna questioned entering the young unicorn's room.
"What? No." Twilight answered confused. Had she told Cadance she wanted to spend time with Luna? She didn't think so.
"She said there was a problem with you I needed to address." Luna pressed.
"Yeah, I'm bucking broken. Shocked it took Cadance this long to figure that out." Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Again, you are not broken Lamb, you are hurting yes, but you are not broken." Luna said firmly.
"Check her back leg." A voice said firmly.
Twilight narrowed her eyes at Cadance standing in the doorway.
"Twilight! Why would you do this?" Luna shouted, then quieter, "no, no, I will not yell."
"Because the pain feels kinda good and I deserve punishment after being so stupid as to keep my trash family's secrets." Twilight said simply. "Now, can I go back to my book?"
"Where is it?" Luna asked.
"Where's what?" Twilight asked.
"You know what Twilight Sparkle." Luna said firmly.
"I didn't tell Cadance, what makes you think I'll tell you?" Twilight shrugged.
Luna's eyes narrowed in anger and Twilight's room was engulfed in a blue aura, several objects floated by, settling themselves at Luna's hooves, on top of the pile of jewelry, was the knife Twilight had stored under her dresser, Luna held it up.
Twilight looked away, refusing to meet Luna's eyes.
"Twilight, this is dangerous." Luna said firmly.
"Not if I disinfect it." Twilight remarked and Luna sighed heavily.
"You could seriously damage yourself."
"Not if I know where to cut to not severe a tendon." Twilight replied.
"We are trying to help you Twilight!" Luna yelled. "But we cannot help you if you refuse to be helped!"
"Gee, give her a medal, she can state the obvious." Twilight glared at Luna. "What if I don't want to be helped?!"
"You would not still be standing before me if you did not want help Twilight Sparkle."
"Or maybe, nopony will leave me alone so I can just bucking kill myself in peace! " Twilight shouted.
"Nopony would stand by and let you commit suicide Twilight." Cadance said gently.
"Gee, really? It seems Rainbow Dash, my previous friend and the supposed element of loyalty would just walk away! And maybe ponies not letting me kill myself are part of the fucking problem!" Twilight shouted.
Twilight's sides heaved as she glared down the two alicorns.
"Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight spun around to face the solar princess.
"I will not tolerate you speaking to my sister that way, your depression is no excuse for attacking those only trying to help you." Celestia said firmly.
"They attacked me first!" Twilight yelled.
"They tried to save you Twilight." Celestia sighed. "I have been absent in this ordeal for far to long Twilight, because I feared I could not face you."
The solar princess was crying, and Twilight stepped back in shock.
"If I had lost you, my faithful student, and never noticed anything wrong? I think the guilt very well may have killed me. I had already made the same mistake with my sister, the thought of making it with another was devastating, and I could not think to face you Twilight and I am sorry. I think you may have done better had you had more than Cadance and Luna looking out for you."
"Oh yeah, the solar princess who can't even control her own damn country is going to control me. Oh look at Princess Celestia so perfect and pure! Fuck off. And besides, Fluttershy was babysitting me anyway." Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Fluttershy is your friend and despite what you think, was looking out for you because she cares for you." Cadance said gently. "Not just because she was ordered to."
Twilight merely sat and glared at the floor.
"Just, leave me alone. Please." Twilight said.
"No, you are too unstable to be left alone right now," Cadance said. "We're not leaving."
Twilight screamed and flung herself into her bed, dragging the covers over herself.
"Leave me alone." She hissed.
And to think, the day had started so well.
Author's Note
Oh dear, it would seem Twilight has finally exploded.
I feel I might confuse people and should address it, in my pony world bucking/fucking are used kind of the same as "fricking" and "fucking" both "bad" but one is considered worse than the other.
"Twilight." A voice said softly, a voice Twilight hadn't heard in months.
"What do you want?" She spat at the rainbow maned pegasus.
"I... I wanted to apologize. I know Rarity and I didn't have the best reaction, but... once you two made up and she told me about it, I realized I felt the same way. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you, and of failing you. I mean, I'm supposed to represent the element of loyalty! Fat lot of good I've been lately."
"It's been months Rainbow Dash. Why just now?" Twilight asked.
"Hey, you know I got a big ego, I had to swallow my pride to do this!" Rainbow exclaimed. "No, wait, that's not how you apologize."
"Oh wow, she's learning." Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Twilight, I'm sorry. I felt terrible after the fact that I'd attacked you and I didn't want to face you. I know I have a big ego, and I let that ego get in the way of my friendship with you. Instead of being there for you, you've had to go through this without me, I mean not like I would have made a big difference anyway, you seem to be doing okay on your own. I'm supposed to remain loyal to my friends, to you, but I didn't. This is all on me, not you Twilight. I should have seen how much you were suffering and-I- I'm sorry Twilight, I should have been there for you, and if the element of loyalty never again works for me, I'll fully understand why, it should have come to life and kicked me right in the ass when I abandoned you." The pegasus scuffed the ground with her hoof.
"It really should have." Twilight answered and then smiled. "But, I guess I forgive you."
"You-you mean it?" Rainbow asked her ears perking up.
"I mean it Rainbow Dash. I forgive you. I'm not saying you didn't hurt me badly by abandoning me, but I kind of get it. I wouldn't have done it, but that's because I'm not as rash and prideful as you." Twilight answered.
"Ow, way to kick a mare when she's down Twilight!" Rainbow joked.
"Rainbow, I've been recovering after trying to kill myself and you "kicked a mare when she was down" didn't you?"
"Ouch. I deserved that." Rainbow sighed.
"You did." Twilight smiled. "How about you treat me to some ice cream as a peace offering, and we can catch up?"
"I don't have any bits!" Rainbow exclaimed.
A flash of purple and saddle bags appeared on Rainbow Dash.
"I believe your money is in there?" Twilight asked.
"I-uh-huh, that's useful. To the ice cream shoppe!" Rainbow cheered.
Twilight found herself genuinely laughing at the blue mare's antics.
It felt good to be friends again.
"So, Fluttershy told me Princess Luna adopted you?" Rainbow questioned while eating her ice cream, as if she doubted the truthfulness of her friend.
"She did." Twilight laughed. "She decided since my family was shit, she was going to be my family, I have a permanent room in Canterlot Castle now."
"Nice, Twilight has a castle!" Rainbow cheered.
"Well I mean, it's still the princesses' castle, I just have a room there."
"And you are Luna's daughter now, so that makes you like a princess, and therefor the castle is also yours, invite me for a sleepover sometime."
"Will do." Twilight laughed enjoying her own mintchip ice cream.
"So, besides the whole, trying to off yourself and shit, what's been happening?" Rainbow asked.
Twilight rolled her eyes at the bluntness of her friend, she'd actually really missed it, not that she'd admit it to Dash.
"Well, the princesses punished my family, they were a very large part of why I tried to do what I did, I made a new friend, her name's Pearl Shine, I've been having regular therapy sessions every two weeks, and seeing a psychiatrist every month to work out stabilizing my medication, I actually had a seizure with the first one she tried."
Rainbow looked a the ground, fighting back tears, she shouldn't cry, Twilight needed her, Twilight needed to talk, not reassure Rainbow, before when Twilight needed her, she hadn't been there.
"And I've actually been learning some new things, you know, stuff to keep my busy, Luna thought reading and maybe some other hobbies would be good for me. Even if I suck." Twilight said.
"Like what? I don't think it's possible for Twilight Sparkle to suck at anything." Rainbow laughed.
"Crochet." Twilight deadpanned and teleported a very disfigured lump of crocheted green yarn to the table.
"Oh it's not that bad! Scarves are supposed to be kinda lumpy!" Rainbow said picking it up and throwing it around her neck.
"Rainbow...it was supposed to be a shirt." Twilight said, keeping a straight face.
"Oh.. oh shit! I'm sorry!" Rainbow tried to back-peddle. "I mean for a first effort! Shirts are hard! This is really good for a first time!"
"That was the third." Twilight responded.
"Fuck!" Rainbow whispered.
Twilight burst out laughing.
"No, Rainbow I'm just messing with you." Twilight said. "It was indeed meant to be a scarf, you can have it if you want."
"Really? It does get pretty cold up in Cloudsdale. Think you could someday make me some socks and a sweater?" Rainbow asked, then immediately looked away. "That is, if I'm really forgiven and we can go back to being friends?"
"Rainbow, I already said I forgive you, besides my therapist doesn't think it's good for you to hold grudges." Twilight waved her hoof dismissively.
"How's therapy been going anyway?" Rainbow asked.
"Good actually. Been able to get a lot out, stuff I just... don't want to burden you guys with. It helps talking to someone who has an "impersonal connection" so to speak." Twilight said.
"I'm glad you're doing better Twilight, and I'm glad we're friends again." Rainbow smiled.
"Me too." Twilight answered and gave the pegasus a hug.
Author's Note
Sorry Rainbow haters, she ain't my favorite either but I just couldn't let a fractured friendship go on in this story of recovery.
Twilight ran all around the room, gathering blankets and pillows, making sure to pick the extra fluffy ones.
"Twilight, really?" Spike asked.
"Yes, really! Oh I hope my friends like Pearl Shine!" She exclaimed.
"Well Pinkie at least likes everyone, so no worries there." Spike said. "You sure you're feeling up to this?"
"Not at all Spike, not at all." Twilight sighed with a small laugh. "But I really like my new friend, and I really hope she likes my other friends otherwise I'll never be able to hang out with her once I go back to Ponyville!"
"Twilight, you're doing it again." Spike remarked, munching on his crystal apple.
"Doing what?" She asked.
"That thing where you make up the absolute worst scenario that would never actually happen. Even if the sleepover is a disaster, you can still come here to Canterlot and visit!"
"Right." Twilight looked down in embarrassment.
A knock at the door and Twilight squealed in surprise. "Oh they're here! They're here! They're here!"
Twilight flung open the door "Hey girls it's been too lo-Oh! Pearl!"
"You seem surprised. Was this not the day of the "super spectacular sleepover"?" Pearl asked.
"No! It is! I just expected my friends!" Twilight said with a smile.
"Oh..." Pearl looked down and slowly walked in.
"Did I say somethi-shit! No! Wait! I'm sorry Pearl! I didn't mean we aren't friends! I meant I thought my friends from Ponyville would be here before you!" Twilight tapped her hooves together nervously.
"Oh-Oh of course!" Pearl laughed nervously. "I mean we are friends right?"
"Of course!" Twilight smiled. "You're a pretty nice mare."
Pretty, and nice. Twilight thought to herself and shook her head at the thought, no she shouldn't even think of relationships right now. Pearl was very pretty though Twilight had to admit, her pale white coat was carefully groomed today, and her blonde mane was put into dual braids, along with her tail being in a singular braid.
"Twilight? Who's this?" Luna asked entering the room.
"Princess Luna!" Pearl bowed deeply shaking slightly. "Oh my Faust. What are you doing he-I'm in the castle, of course you're here, wait... Twilight, why do you live in the castle, are you a royal guard?"
"Oh... horseapples." Twilight muttered.
"Did you not tell your friend our relationship?" Luna teased.
"Are you dating Princess Luna ?" Pearl yelled.
"NO! NO NO NO!" Twilight yelled. "Oh my Faust! She's only been my mother for a few months but ewwww."
"......mother?" Pearl asked in shock. "Months? But you're like 20!"
"She adopted me. Officially. Since my birth family is terrible, and no I'm not discussing it right now."
"Oooh. Are they why you freaked out when I asked to call you Tw- that nickname?" Pearl asked.
Twilight flinched and nodded.
"Oh. I'm so sorry Twilight, I'll make sure I never use it. And hey, if you ever want to talk about it, I know we've only known each other like a week, but I'll be here. I like you Twilight Sparkle. If there's anything else I should avoid calling you feel free to tell me!"
Twilight nodded.
"Yeah, I had some... pretty bad family problems awhile back, Luna found out and took me in and then surprised me with adoption papers can you believe that?" Twilight squealed the last bit, still excited.
"Oh wow. Princess Luna, you're much nicer than I thought. Not that I thought you weren't nice! I just thought you were like, all official and stuffy! Like the other nobles! You know they all think they're all hoity toity and abov-" This time Pearl literally shoved her hoof in her mouth.
"Imgoanfsshupnaw." Pearl said through the hoof still in her mouth.
"Pardon?" Luna asked.
"I said, I'm gonna shut up now." She mumbled turning bright red.
"Awww Mom you embarrassed my friend!" Twilight cried dramatically. "Out! Out! Out!"
"Oh no!" Luna exclaimed. "How ever shall you survive this social embarrassment?!"
Twilight burst out laughing and then pulled Luna into a hug.
"So, embarrass my filly, check. I'm doing fairly well on this whole motherhood thing, don't you think Twilight?" Luna smiled and nuzzled the top of Twilight's head.
"You are." Twilight laughed. "Now, don't get mad but get out of my room mom! God! We need privacy!" Twilight joked.
"Alright alright. If you need anything just call for me." Luna smiled and trotted out.
"Twilight!" A familiar, excited, voice yelled.
"Pinkie!" Twilight exclaimed and hugged the pink mare and looked beyond her to the rest of her friends. "Oh! You're all here!"
A group hug was then had.
"Oh! Right!" Twilight said as she separated herself from her friends.
"Guys, this is Pearl Shine, she's a friend I made while staying here in Canterlot! She prefers just Pearl though. Pearl these are my friends, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy." Twilight introduced everyone, pointing to everyone in turn.
"So you're the famous Rainbow Dash who caused that explosion!" Pearl smiled widely.
"The one and only!" Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest.
"No! Pearl! Don't feed her ego! You don't know what will happen!" Pinkie exclaimed dramatically.
"Uh... are you always this... um..." Pearl trailed off.
"Yes." Rainbow Dash said flatly. "She's Pinkie Pie, if you lived in Ponyville you'd learn to just get used to Pinkie breaking the laws of physics on a regular occasion."
Pearl stared at Pinkie Pie, slight fear in her eyes.
"So! Sleepover!" Rainbow cheered.
A pillow slammed into Rainbow Dash's face.
"Hey!" Rainbow pouted. "No fair Pinkie Pie!"
"All's fair in love and war!" Pinkie yelled and began to whip pillows through the air.
"Duck and cover!" Twilight yelled.
Several pillow fights, mugs of hot cocoa, and helpings of Pinkie Pie's "Super Spectacular Sleepover Strudel" later, and all seven mares were soon fast asleep, sprawled out on the floor in various odd positions.
Pearl Shine was resting her head on Twilight's flank, Pinkie Pie using Rainbow's wing as a pillow, and Fluttershy, Applejack and Rarity sprawled out on the large blanket Twilight had brought in.
Luna smiled as she flitted through the pony's dreams, Twilight especially, was happily dreaming. Luna breathed a sigh of relief as she exited Twilight's dream, pleased that her daughter was finally truly beginning to recover after all that had happened to her.
"So, Twilight, how have you been doing lately?" Sparkling Apple asked gently.
"I'm... really good actually!" Twilight smiled happily.
"That is wonderful!" Sparkling Apple smiled. "Have you gotten into any new hobbies? I know last time we discussed you finding something to occupy your time."
"Oh yes! I've been doing crochet! I mean, I'm really bad right now, but I'm getting better!" Twilight answered with her ears perked up happily.
"That's good! My mother likes to crochet, I have so many scarves and socks. They're quite warm." Sparkling Apple said with a smile.
"Aren't they? I made myself a scarf after I gave one to my friend Rainbow. Oh yeah! I actually finally made up with my friend who ditched me!" Twilight said happily.
"Have you? You can never have too many friends, so that is wonderful news!"
"And my old friends from Ponyville, they all like my new friend Pearl Shine. She's a little, well, she has self-esteem issues, but my friends still really like her! I wish she didn't think so badly of herself though, she's so nice." Twilight frowned. "I...I actually made her feel really bad when we first met, she called me Twily, and I didn't even think and I just snapped."
"Why would that be?" Sparkling Apple questioned.
"It... it was what my brother used to call me." Twilight mumbled.
"Ah, I see why that would be triggering. How did you snap on her? What did she do after?"
"I screamed at her to never call me that and she felt so bad, she tried to leave. I decided I was going to take her to Golden Corral to make up for being such a bitch and we just really hit it off from there! I... still haven't told her why I snapped, just that it was family issues." Twilight looked down nervously.
"Do you think you have to tell Pearl Shine about what you've been through?" Sparkling Apple asked.
"Well, I mean if she's my friend, shouldn't I be honest with her?" Twilight asked.
"I'm a therapist, not an adviser unfortunately, you'll have to figure that one out on your own Twilight." Sparkling Apple smiled sadly.
"Oh. That stinks." Twilight sighed. "Do you... do you think I'll ever be totally okay again?"
"I think if you continue your therapy and medication, you will finally have stability Twilight."
"You can't give direct advice or answers, can you?" Twilight asked.
"I cannot." Sparkling Apple smiled.
"Damn." Twilight sighed.
"Hey mom." Twilight smiled as she trotted out of Sparkling Apple's room.
"How did it go today my daughter?" Luna asked giving Twilight a quick nuzzle.
"Good actually. At least, there were no tears or flashbacks!"
"Come on, I'll buy you some cookies for having a good session today." Luna said walking ahead of Twilight.
Twilight munched on her giant cookie, peanut butter cup with caramel drizzle, and gazed around at the bright noon day, ponies bustling along, unaware of any of Twilight's struggles, unaware of any of her progress. It seemed quite strange to her.
Twilight's entire world had changed in just a few short months, but the world went on just as it had before.
"Twilight, are you okay?" Luna questioned.
"Oh, yeah, I was just thinking... a few months ago I was incredibly depressed, tried to kill myself even, and now I'm doing so much better and in therapy and ... look at them Mom, they're just going on like everything is the same. My entire world changed, but the world itself just... didn't. It's kinda weird."
"Indeed." Luna smiled. "The world goes on, just as it always has, and presumably always will."
"Assuming a certain mare doesn't go crazy and try to cause eternal night again." Twilight grinned at her mother.
"Faust, you try to cause enteral night, and subsequently the end of the world, one time and your daughter will never let you live in down."
"Never." Twilight cackled. "Also, technically it was twice."
"You are lucky I love you Twilight." Luna smiled.
"It's nice to have something to you know, ground myself with. The moon and the sun will rise and fall, the seasons will change, the world goes on and on, ponies love and learn and fight and grow. It's always changing, but it's always staying the same." Twilight sighed as she stared at the ponies going about their busy days.
"I am glad you are recovering Twilight. It is good to see you happy."
"I think... everything's going to be just fine." Twilight smiled as she sat with her mother.
Author's Note
I know I know, it's small. :)< More to come later. You didn't think I just planned on making Twilight relive all the bad stuff through therapy did you?
Twilight's New Room
"Twilight, I got a gift for you." Luna whispered as the purple unicorn read.
"Oh! Luna! A gift?" She asked puzzled.
"Indeed, follow me." Luna walked out, Twilight trailing behind her. "I thought, for your current progress in therapy and to maybe alleviate some of your sadness, I would buy you a gift."
"You don't have to-"
"Twilight, I'm your mother, it's a job requirement to do nice things and take care of my daughter." Luna smiled saying the words, and so did Twilight.
Luna stopped in front of a room, Twilight recognized it as one of the store-rooms near Celestia and Luna's chambers.
"Well. Open the door Twilight. Your gift is just beyond that door." Luna instructed, trying to hide her glee.
Twilight rolled her eyes at Luna's odd behavior and opened the door, her jaw dropped.
The room was now furnished with things of the same type of material as Spike's bed Luna had bought earlier, a closet stood open, a few simple dresses already hung in it. Beside the pony sized bed, was the very same bed Luna bought Spike.
Twilight stepped into the room, her mouth still open and took notice of the softness of the carpet. A vanity was against the far wall, pictures of her and Spike surrounded the mirror.
"You-you got me all this?" Twilight asked.
"Oh, and the room." Luna added.
"The-the room itself?" Twilight squeaked.
Luna nodded.
"Welcome home Twilight." She smiled.
Twilight sat down quite suddenly, and began to cry.
Oh dear, I keep breaking her. Luna sighed trotting over to Twilight and wrapping a wing around her again.
"Th-th-thank y-you." Twilight cried.
