Another day. Sun was shining, and I was more than happy to stay curled up in bed for a bit longer. My boss was flexible (HA) and, since she paid me by the hour and knew my problems were medical, would only schedule jobs for the morning that I wasn't required for.
Even when I poked my head out of the covers, I still didn't open my eyes. Opening my eyes had side effects I didn't want to deal with while horizontal. Slowly, I angled my legs and rolled into a sitting position and cast the covers to the side.
Did I mention how odd just that simple thing was? I didn't, of course. It is so weird. My legs are now nearly two-thirds of my height. My torso is only barely bigger than my head, and my eyes, I think, are the largest organs I have. But that's all about me; there's action going on.
Fumbling, I grabbed the chamber pot from the bedside table with one hand, pulled it into my lap, and opened my eyes.
My room had been painted by the landlord in the most bright and cheerful shade of almost-but-not-quite-neon-green. Contrasting with the wall color was the floor: orange, the running boards: yellow, and the bright yellow light streaming in from the sun outside. I leaned over the pot and spent the contents of my stomach into it.
With my stomach empty I reached for my glasses. Dark and bigger even than the size of my eyes, the things made everything tolerable—somewhat. The glasses muted colors and made the crazy contrast effects of living in a cartoon Equestria a lot less, but they did nothing for the movement.
It all seems to work fine when you watch cartoons on your TV. They move around, and the camera sees things just right, but most importantly your brain knows you are just watching TV. It's not real.
Equestria is real. Equestria is a cartoon. Equestria makes me vomit.
Cartoon characters look flat, but they do have mass and volume. They aren't flat, but when you look at them they seem to be. All the other humans who wound up here dealt with it, but my brain refused to. I looked at my orange hands and shuddered at the thought of them moving, but I had to.
Swiftly, I carried the chamber pot to my bathroom and set it beside the sink. Shucking out of the long shirt I'd worn to bed, I turned the shower on, closed my eyes, and set my glasses aside.
Water fell in three ways (in cartoons at least).
Big fat droplets of water fell and were visible when you were close to them. They each looked like a perfect, hand-drawn representation of a raindrop.
Rain fell in lines. Long and indistinct, they never seemed to fall directly on you, yet you still got wet if you stood out in it.
The last type of falling water usually came from a bucket. It washed over you and left you soaking wet from head to toe, and yet dry a few seconds later. But that's cartoon physics for you.
Showers made the first kind; big, fat droplets fell on me as I stood under the cascade, and the even crazier thing than all the kinds of falling water was that somehow I was clean seconds later. No soap. No scrubbing. I could have walked into the shower covered in mud and those droplets would wash it away and leave my hair neat and bouncy.
Okay, so there were advantages to living in a cartoon world.
I stepped out of the shower and reached for where the towel would be. Literally one rub was enough to dry myself. I had to open my eyes to look for my glasses, and saw that the chamber pot was gone. Of course it was clean and beside my bed again. Cartoons never dwelt on such things.
Grabbing my glasses, I walked back to my bedroom and started getting dressed. I studiously ignored my strange skin color. Being a cartoon in a cartoon world was required, and at least I had been given a somewhat human look, but the bright colors had infected even the human condition here, and so I looked like some badly proportioned teenage cartoon character with bright skin and even brighter hair.
Dressing was simple. Underwear was a pair of shorts, a pair of pants covered my legs, a neat shirt, and a pair of sandals completed the ensemble. It was less dressing in what I wanted to wear and more a case of dressing as this world would allow.
Focusing on the ground, I left my apartment (no need or even ability to lock it, no one steals anything here), kept my head down, and started walking to work.
"Hi Dizzy!"
"Hiya Dizzy Do!"
"Good morning Dizzy!"
I got this every day. Even if I corrected the ponies, they would still call me the name the universe seems to have assigned me. My name is Greg (Gregory Sanders) but not a single pony can do more than look confused when I correct them. It's not their fault, it's just the world they (and now I) live in.
"Morning Silver. Hi Phyllis. Great to see you Cherries." That was the crazy bit, the real icing on the cartoon cake: I knew their names too. The moment I needed to talk to somepony I just had their name in my head.
The way to my work was ground into my brain. I had forced myself to memorize it, so I could walk with my eyes closed. Of course, I didn't walk with my eyes closed. The world reacted to such invitations like an eager prankster, and walking around with my eyes closed would lead to dogs jumping out in front of me at just the right moment to trip me over. I would roll and land in a compromising position and some ponies would laugh. It had happened several times when I first got here.
Twenty-six.
Twenty-seven.
Twenty-eight.
I turned and opened the door. The sign above the doorway read "The Mezmerizing Miss Hiss" complete with spelling mistake. I stepped inside and walked through to the break room. I could lift my head now. With just me moving around I could avoid being physically sick, but it still made me queasy when I moved and the walls sometimes didn't make the right perspective shifts.
Walking to the fridge I focused all my attention on the handle, on feeling it with my hand as I pulled it open. There was all kinds of things in the fridge, including several of the things that made me perfect to work here. Stacked against one side of the cooler was three fish (that even had black crosses for eyes). Any pony who saw that without being prepared would faint.
Animals in Equestria, with very few exceptions, could communicate just fine. Cows, sheep, and goats could all carry on a conversation quite happily. I even heard there was a pony near Canterlot who could talk to every animal; I hope she never visits Slitherin Hiss.
Which brings me to my boss, but I really shouldn't talk about her behind her back.
Fish are, as far as I know, not intelligent at all. Nopony has ever talked to one, and nopony has ever actually tried to stop Miss Hiss from eating them. I guess that's because the traditional food for Miss Hiss' kind is ponies themselves. Yay for progress!
I grabbed an apple from the pile on the shelf below the fish and held it up to look at it.
One. Two. Three. No worm. Sometimes you would get a little worm crawl out from inside an apple. The right thing to do was set it down and get another. Greeting the worm was optional. The apple was an alpha apple. The pinnacle of all apples. If I had been given an apple like this back on Earth, I would have treasured it.
I bit into the apple and my mouth was flooded with further perfection. Sweet, juicy, and flesh that was just the right mix of firm and squishy. There were some perks to living in Equestria. I stood still, closed my eyes, and worshiped that apple (with my teeth). Only when that glittering piece of perfection was gone could I so much as think about my own life again.
With a deep breath I took the special door that led directly into Miss Hiss' therapy room.
She was singly the only creature I could stand being around in the whole country. Right now she was with a patient, and had the pony curled up in her long tail. Every part of the pony was hidden in the giant snake coils except their head.
I was quiet as I walked around the snake tail, the desk, and stepped up beside the pony-torso of Miss Hiss. "Do you need any help with this one?"
One eye twitched. One eye that alternated colors in a slow, spiraling pattern that did nothing to snare my attention, make me drowsy, or put me completely in Miss Hiss' power. No, really, her mind-whammy just didn't work on humans.
But the pony in Miss Hiss' grip was another story. They stared adoringly into my boss' eyes, their own mirroring the color pattern that Miss Hiss generated.
"You don't need to worry about the missssing turnipss. Your friend won't mind if you losst two. You can tell them the truth and pay them back." Miss Hiss' tone was soft, gentle and, like her magic hypnosis, didn't affect me at all. "And you will pay your therapisst bill in full. And you ssuddenly like the tasste of decaf coffee."
I raised my eyebrow at Miss Hiss, and she just smiled.
Miss Hiss was evil. She was a monster from Equestria's past that awoke from an egg deep in the Amarezonian forests. A tribe of ponies had raised her to be their god. Daring Do (absolutely no relation, don't even ask) had found the situation troubling, but was completely at Hiss' mercy.
Sure enough, Miss Hiss had found her way to civilization and was in the process of taking over Vanhoover when six friends came to town. To hear my boss tell it there had been a mighty battle, but the story I had found out was that she had mind-controlled five of the friends when the sixth locked eyes with her.
Slitherin Hiss doesn't talk about that bit.
She was a reformed villain now. She was doing good things to keep the ponies of Baltimare safe and sane, and she did it for a small fee. That she also liked rebelling against her good nature in small ways didn't actually hurt anyone: the pony she had in her coils would have paid the fees anyway (although I admit the decaf thing was actually evil).
"On the count of three you will wake up. One. Two. Four."
"Three," I said. Did I mention this world loves jokes?
"One. Two." Miss Hiss looked directly at me. "Three." She stuck her forked tongue out at the end to make sure I knew where we stood. Well, where I stood; she tended to slither.
The pony in Miss Hiss' coils started to twitch and squirm. I looked away before their movement overwhelmed my ability to keep the best apple I had ever tasted (each successive one earned that title) down.
"Ugh. Where am I? Miss Hiss? Is my session over already?" The soft tones sounded like a mare dealing with a head full of very recent mind-control magic supplied by an ex-villain lamia who, for just a few bits, would make anypony think whatever they wanted to think. All above-board and absolutely adhering to the letter of the law—except for the decaf thing.
"Yess, Missss Twisster. How do you feel now?" That was, of course, Miss Hiss talking. I was spending my time staring at a filing cabinet against the back wall. It was gray with black handles on each drawer. My boss used one to hide her chocolate stash.
"Th-Thirsty. Do you have anything to drink while I make sure to pay my therapist in full?"
"Of coursse. I have the besst coffee!" I waited for it. She was going to say it any second no— "Minion! Prepare the coffee!"
I managed a deep sigh. "Yes, oh beneficent ruler of the break room, mistress of minds, chomper of chocolate, sibilant speaker of esses." My contract had a stipulation that when a client was present at least four honorifics were required, but Miss Hiss had forgotten to specify what titles were used. Turning, I made sure that I didn't actually look at the pony as I made my way back to the break room.
There was two coffee machines. One held the essence of known life and the other was decaf. I put a mug on the table and started pouring the decaf into it.
Coffee (at least the stuff in the pot that wasn't actually coffee), thankfully, wasn't water. It didn't fall like water, but instead flowed like—well, like coffee. Some things were strange like that, but when something did move in a way my brain didn't find horrifying I wasn't one to argue.
The front room of the offices was our waiting room. When I opened the door and walked out I found it almost serene, movement wise. Miss Twister, my boss' last client, was sitting on a seat holding her head—sitting still, that is.
Every pony I had seen Miss Hiss mind-control was like this afterward. Their mind struggling to make sense of the new commands while the world moved on around them. It, the fugue state, generally lasted until a good night's sleep or a strong hit of caffeine. And that comes back to my boss just liking to see ponies under her control.
"Your coffee, Miss." I passed the client the cup, and when she lifted a hoof from her head to take it I saw dawning hope in her eyes. "It's decaf. I hope you don't mind?"
If I had told her it was a potion of eternal youth in a cup wrought by Princess Celestia herself, the mare would have had a lesser reaction. Her eyes widened, her pouting mouth curved into a huge smile, and I had to tell myself that this was simply Miss Hiss' work manipulating her. There was something to be said for making simple things bring this much happiness to a pony.
"Thank you!" She grabbed the mug from my hand and practically inhaled half of it.
Her movements were small enough not to set me off, but that didn't stop me from quickly turning away—throwing up on clients was not nice. I looked at my boss' happy smile (you knew it was happy because she completely forgot to make sure her fangs were tucked away). "How'd it go?"
"Sshe only needed thiss for a few weekss. I gave her a hit that sshould lasst at leasst that." Miss Hiss' eyes turned from the pony sating her new desire for caffeine reduced products to me. Her eyes, normally, weren't spiraling patterns of mind-gooifying colors, they were slit like a cat's, but much more expressive. They were also quite a pretty shade of green.
I looked down at the rough scribbles on the sheet of paper Miss Hiss' hoof was holding. It was junk, of course. Anyone could literally mark a page however they wanted, and it would read as exactly what they meant it to. Written language was dead in Equestria, but reading was alive and well. "You've got the rest of the day marked as free?" Even upside down, a page was no match for the convenience of the universe. This universe, at least.
"You're a good minion, Greg, and I want to help you." Miss Hiss could have done a lot of bad things, but when she said my actual name I could easily forgive all of it. Trust an evil genius to get the little details right. She pushed a tiny piece of fabric across to me. It was decorated with tiny knots of colored grass, and it had little pieces of string at each end. Size-wise, it looked about right to tie around my wrist. "I got thiss."
I looked at the offering and raised one eyebrow. "Boss, you know the problem I have with magic…"
Magic, in Equestria, was like everything else but turned up to eleven. When just walking around makes you feel ill, try adding things glowing and flying around. No matter what universe you're in, it seems, things can always get worse.
"It'ss not like that." Miss Hiss, I noticed, was careful to only touch the bracelet-thing with the barest tip of her hoof. "Thiss iss zebra magic. Put it on, you'll ssee."
"Miss Hiss, I respect you and your work, as well as the kind individual you embody, but I'm not stupid. When somebody in Equestria passes me a magical amulet and says, 'Put it on,' with no explanation, I am not going to just put it on. What's it actually do?"
Miss Hiss flicked her tongue out (a gesture she always made when she felt she had the upper hand, hoof, or tail). "You ssaid you get ssick becausse you can't get ussed to movement?"
I would have nodded, if I were an idiot. "Yeah."
"And my mind-control doessn't work on you becausse you're a human?" She knew all the answers to these, we both did.
Again I replied, "Yes."
"But if it did, I could eassily jusst tell you not to be ssick." Her green eyes danced with excitement that I didn't feel. In all honesty, I felt like a mouse looking at a particularly happy but hungry snake—not all that far from the truth.
"In theory…" But theory in Equestria frequently meant it just works. The universe, yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill.
With one mottled yellow and red hoof, Miss Hiss pushed the fetish a little closer to me. "Then put it on and let me help." It was as good a try as I had seen from her. Miss Hiss loved manipulations, and prided herself on creating twists and turns to make creatures do her bidding—without mind control.
It took nearly a minute of my steady look before she finally broke. Lamia like Miss Hiss are not used to creatures holding eye-contact with them for any length of time, let alone actual staring matches. I heard her tail move, the soft sound barely noticeable, in agitation.
"It'll turn you into a pony."
I opened my mouth to make a smart comment, but it died in my throat. I thought things over and barely managed to get the words out. "But I like being human."
"Not forever, ssilly! Thiss,"—Miss Hiss pushed the charm a tiny bit closer to me—"will turn you into a pony for about a day or three. It takess a week or sso to recharge, the zebra ssaid, and then it will be ready to work again."
"So let me get this—" I stopped, the mare with her not-coffee had walked up beside me and looked dreamily up at Miss Hiss.
"I need to pay now. How much was the session?" Her tone was light and breathy, and there was a blush in her cheeks. Of course she was happy, she was following my boss' mind-control.
Looking away, I stared at the blank wall until she walked away from the counter. The moment the door behind me opened and closed again I turned back to Miss Hiss. "Let me get this straight. I put this on so you can turn me into a pony, so you can give me your brain-whammy, so you can make me not be sick every day. Then the charm stops working, I turn back into human, and it all sticks?"
"I prefer to call it hypnossiss."
"Of course you do. This is convoluted, it's crazy, and it has no chance of actually working out exactly how you say. Which means it will probably work great and nothing will possibly go wrong. Which means, everything will go wrong." I was actually panting by the end of my cartoon logic session. To my great annoyance Miss Hiss just nodded her head.
Another problem about being stuck in a cartoon world of cute ponies was that they were cute. Abhorrently cute. If I'd been a little girl and dragged here I would likely be screaming with joy from the moment I woke up to the moment I was sedated each night.
I wasn't a little girl, and I didn't need to be sedated each night, but Miss Hiss was effectively the front half of a pony stuck on a snake's body, she had this cute way of holding her hooves that ate away at me when she wanted me to do something potentially ill-advised.
The earlier staring contest had been to find out the details of her scheme, but now that I was fully informed I had no leg, hoof, or scales to stand on. I looked from the adorable predator before me to the fetish. "I don't suppose you just walked down to the market—"
"Black market."
I sighed. "Black market, and asked a nice zebra—"
"Sshe wass a bit sstrange."
"You asked the strange zebra if the amulet—"
"Sshe ssaid it wassn't curssed!"
I raised an eyebrow and looked back up at Miss Hiss. "I didn't say it was."
"I wass just making ssure. Sshe ssaid it definitely wassn't curssed."
I held up a hand in mock placation. "You contacted a black market zebra who sold you a 'totally not cursed' amulet that would turn anyone into a pony—"
"Jusst you. Not jusst anyone." Miss Hiss now had a look of worry on her adorable face. "I had to ssteal ssome of your hair for her to make it. Thiss wassn't cheap!"
And I had finally reached the crux of the matter that engineered my defeat at Miss Hiss' words. "It wasn't cheap?" I asked, and studied her as she nodded to me. "You really are terrible at being evil, you know that?" I had done it—a step too far.
The look Miss Hiss gave me was my undoing. She prided herself on having defeated five out of six of the Element Bearers, so she wasn't a lightweight. When tears caught at the corners of her eyes, I was completely defeated.
Reaching out, I put my arms around the lunging predator and pulled her into a hug that she returned. "I'm sorry, boss. Your coffee trick is actually really evil, I just don't know if I should—" I cut off when another sob wracked her body. "Okay, I'll put it on…"
Miss Hiss suddenly jerked back from me with a huge grin on her face. "I know! That'ss why I tied it around your wrisst already."
I looked down at my left wrist, but it was empty. Then I quickly looked to my right. "Evil and sneaky. And you play dirty!"
"Flatterer." Miss Hiss batted her eyes at me. "Sso. How doess it feel?"
"It doesn't. You might want to talk to the zebra and get a refund. It's not doing a thing. I…" I trailed off because Miss Hiss' grin was growing wider. She pointed a hoof down. Following her direction I looked at my hand—now a hoof. "That's—"
I cut off as I watched a pretty wave of soft gray fluff ripple like a wave as it grew from my skin. It flowed up my arm in a flutter that tingled as only magic could. As the wave of fur poured over me, it left a pony in its wake. Up my arm (now a leg), then spreading over my torso.
There were different kinds of magic transformations. Some were a POP and you were done, others took years and were nearly impossible to notice, but this one lasted long enough that I could watch my body change. I studied my other hand as my fingers curled up of their own accord and formed into a hoof. Afforded the time to actually watch, I found the transformation process more interesting than horrifying.
Miss Hiss giggled in quite possibly the most satisfied way I had ever heard (and I had heard her giggle as she recounted defeating Princess Twilight Sparkle). "You probably want to take your clothess off before—"
But it was a cartoon. If someone was wearing clothes, and they were transforming, either they had to rip their way out of them or shrink down inside them. The first part of this was a firm law that I had just discovered.
A loud ripping sound issued from my pants. The wave of magically growing fur had already passed that point, and I barely had any warning before my legs changed. Like my arms and hands, my legs became the rounded, cute limbs that all ponies refer to as back legs. It was fairly fascinating until I realized there was something more. I now had a tail.
Tightness wrapped around me. Starting at my changed legs I felt Miss Hiss' tail twirl and wrap around me. The walls of the office started moving, so I must have been the one turning in her grip. Clamping my eyes closed to avoid nausea, I could feel my boss' tail finish winding around me all the way up to my neck.
The room stopped spinning, and I dared to open my left eye. A little tap at my chin was all the warning I had that the tip of her tail was nestled along my throat. I opened both eyes up to see Miss Hiss upper-half hovering just before me. "How much of me is—?"
"All of you. You're a pony now. You know what that meanss?" Miss Hiss looked very proud of herself. I gave her the satisfaction of nodding. "I'm doing thiss for you, you know? I can't sstand to have my minionss ssuffer like thiss."
I had agreed to this. I knew that I had, and she knew that I had, which meant that the only way of me stopping Miss Hiss from poking away at the soft bits of my (now pony) mind was to tell her to stop. Just one word and the evil lamia would put me down and leave me be. Just the one.
Why I didn't tell Miss Hiss to stop was obvious: I was curious to see if it would work. Life in Equestria had been pretty miserable so far, and working with her was the highlight of it. I inhaled and felt the grip of my boss' tail around me give and take with each breath I took. "Thanks, Kaa."
The old joke I had explained to her never failed to get the perfect reaction. "Oh yessss,"—Miss Hiss leaned on her speech impediment even more when playing up the joke—"jusssst go to sssssleep."
"Ha ha. So you're going to hypnotize me out here?" There was no use hiding my eyes from her. Miss Hiss was competent enough and (mostly) moral enough for me to trust. Besides, she was my friend.
Her tail-tip pressed up under my jaw, causing my long snout to tilt up almost nose-to-nose with her. "No, ssilly. I would never tell another pony in my coilss thiss, but closse your eyess." When I complied I felt movement. "Ssuch an obedient minion. I have to wonder if I would have beaten that yellow and pink monsster with you at my sside."
I felt movement stop and dared to open one eye. Then I opened the other because I really wanted to see the pretty colors. My heart should have stopped and I should have been in a blind panic. Miss Hiss' eyes were flickering and strobing with colors that pulled at my mind. They were amazing, beautiful, and I could have watched them all day long.
"Thiss iss normally where I tell a client they are getting ssleepy. I don't want them to remember the commandss I give."
The words felt as heavy as stone bricks. They sank through my ears and into my head and built on each other. The more words Miss Hiss spoke, the less room I had to actually think for myself. I had always thought that, were I to be hypnotized in the manner my boss was using, I would rebel and fight the mind-control. I smiled dreamily at Miss Hiss.
"Now, firsst, you are going to sstart to feel ssleepy. Your eyess will sstay open, but your mind growss heavy with ssleep. Tell me what you feel."
I opened my pony mouth and tried to reply for several seconds before enough brain cells got together and made the words Miss Hiss wanted me to say. "Sleepy…"
"Good. More and more ssleepy now. You won't remember a thing I ssay…"
"How do you feel?" Miss Hiss' voice seemed to approach through a thick fog.
My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool, and I struggled mentally to free enough space to think. Why was I coiled in Miss Hiss' tail? Why did I feel like my brain was too small to hold everything I wanted to think about? These questions seemed important, but not as important as why I was a pony.
Things started to approach me through the cotton wool—memories. "Like you turned me into a pony and stuffed my head full of mind-control commands." I met Miss Hiss' eyes, her normal eyes, and blinked a few times.
"You're sso adorable like thiss. Sshall we tesst it?" Her mouth curved up into a bigger smile, I remembered how much she adored seeing ponies confused and "under her power."
Slowly, Miss Hiss' coils unwound and moved me toward the window at the back of her office. The blinds were closed, but once her tail deposited me on the floor just in front of the window, her tail-tip reached for the cord that would open the louvers.
"Wait. Can you get me a bucket just in case?" I turned my head to look back at Miss Hiss, and in that moment I knew her work actually did its job. For my whole life in Equestria (now nearly four years) I had felt queasy at any such motion.
In answer to my question Miss Hiss' tail opened the blinds and wrapped around me again. I had no way to fight the grip she had, and when she angled my head with the tip of her tail I was staring out the window. Ponies trotted down the street, one pulling a cart with other ponies riding in it. There was even a pegasus swooping down to land.
The world was too bright, of course, and with my brain still addled by Miss Hiss' mind-control I couldn't process everything. But, I didn't get nauseous.
I watched the view outside for nearly five minutes before Miss Hiss turned me back to face her. "How do you feel?"
"Well, it's strange. Like I had everything in my head just how I wanted it. You sorted it into neater boxes and places, but they aren't the places I had everything." I poked at my thoughts regarding movement, but nothing felt strange, or wrong. "My throat's a little dry, though."
"Let me get you a drink. Coffee?" In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. Miss Hiss released me from her coils for the second time.
I shook myself, feeling my new body move around me. It felt odd, yet comfortable. "Decaf would be great." Sudden realization hit me. Miss Hiss was laughing riotously, and all I could manage to do was curse her while trying to ignore how much my mouth salivated at the idea of decaf coffee.
"You're totally evil, you know that?" Left to my own devices, I tried to stand up on four legs for the first time. Then the second time. Then the third time. It seemed like four was a lucky number for ponies, as I slowly managed to get my new limbs under my body without one bending or twisting in new, interesting, and likely very funny ways. Miss Hiss had slithered to the break room, giving me a little privacy to fail so much.
"Are you ssure you don't want regular coffee? I have thiss lovely double-roasst here!" Snake ponies can laugh. It isn't a common sound from them (considering that they were thought to be extinct, about the most rare sound ever) but when Miss Hiss laughed in evil glee… Well it sounded like a car tire with a leak.
Stumbling and falling were my new favorite pastimes. I fell forward. I fell backward. I even fell to the sides. But, my best trick was falling straight down. Landing on my belly with an, "Oof!" I tried to get my bearings, and was delightfully reminded how thick-headed I still was with Miss Hiss' mind-control. "No I don't want regular. I know you made me want decaf, and no amount of regular coffee will taste as good as that filth." I sighed as my mind turned to the actual taste of the drink I was about to get. "Delicious filth…"
The hissing laugh from the next room told me my boss had heard every word. I focused on one hoof at a time. Left-front. Right-front. I fell on my belly again. I wasn't bipedal, which meant that trying to walk bipedal wouldn't work. On the plus side I was building major cartoon-karma.
The concept of cartoon-karma was something I had picked up quickly, but a lot of other humans seemed to have trouble with. Put simply, if you make ponies laugh you have a really good day. The way I was going I should buy a lottery ticket tomorrow.
Left-front. Right-rear. Right-front. Left-rear. I'd seen ponies do this so many times, but until I managed to the gait completely at least once it felt wrong. But it clicked in my head and my body took up the motion.
Motion. I was watching the room move, watching myself move, and my breakfast was still inside me. Of course thinking such advanced things, while my brain was laboring to establish that I was still me, had me fall over one more time.
Shoving the world down with my hooves, I made my way into the break room this time and marched all the way up to Miss Hiss. She lounged beside the coffee pot and the pot of pure joy. My eyes fixated on the old mug she passed me. I sat down and held the ambrosia between both hooves and inhaled. "Next time, can you make actual coffee be like this?"
"Of coursse I can." Miss Hiss seemed to be playing a word game with me, but I couldn't figure out which.
The fiendishness of a lamia's abilities sank in a little more for me. She could, now that I was a pony, have kept me muddle-headed for as long as she wanted. She knew it, and now I knew it too. Idiot that I am, though, I considered her a friend.
"But tell me: how does your decaf coffee tasste, minion?"
"Wonderful, Mistress of Mind-Magic." The title slipped from my lips before I realized it. I blinked a few times, then shrugged, and just sipped more nectar from the old mug. My thoughts seemed to slow more at the taste, and I let out a satisfied sigh.
"No comment?" Miss Hiss looked like I'd struck her. "No complaintss?"
I managed to stop myself before saying her title again. It wasn't a trigger but a word replacement, and that word was Mistress of Mind-Magic. Then I realized I couldn't even think the word Mistress of Mind-Magic without it converting to… I stopped the circular reasoning and sipped more liquid gold.
But then I started to burn karma. Miss Hiss looked on the verge of tears, and I knew the moment she started crying all my luck and fortune would drain away and, if I was lucky, I might make it home without being foalnapped by some nefarious villain.
"This decaf thing is more evil than I thought. Letting the effects work makes them stronger, and keeps me more unfocused. Mistress of Mind-Magic, you're evil." Light dawned in Miss Hiss' features, and as quick as a wink I was wrapped in not just tail but Miss Hiss' forelegs too.
A snake pony cuddle was not an event for the faint-hearted. I was wrapped in her tail from my back hooves to my shoulders, and her forelegs were curled around my neck and squeezing just as much. I struggled, strained, and barely managed to get one foreleg out before her coils tightened again. With my one limb I hugged Miss Hiss back.
"Thanks, Mistress of Mind-Magic." Saying those words, and feeling her giggle-hiss (as tight as she hugged me, I could have told you each beat her heart made) through my entire body, I didn't overly care that she had played some pranks on me. I could see again.
The rest of the day passed in a literal blur. My mind was still mostly out of it, and thanks to Miss Hiss' tricks in my head I couldn't dream about drinking anything but decaf.
I don't quite remember when, but Miss Hiss walked (slithered?) me home and made sure I was in the right flat. I remember staggering toward the bed. I remember being really happy that when ponies stagger they are still twice as stable as a human. And then I knew no more until morning.
Another day. Sun was shining, and I was more than happy to push my covers back and sit up in bed. I yawned and looked around the room. Then I froze. Something was very wrong. I turned to look at the innocent chamber pot beside my bed, then I looked around the room again.
Bright colors shifted with my head. I lifted a hoof up and waved it before my eyes and screamed. Shuffling backward along the bed until my back was against the wall, I stared at my hoof. The screaming stopped, thankfully. My memories started flooding back and I remembered Miss Hiss' proposal, my accepting it (after what probably constituted illegal levels of pouting), and finally letting Miss Hiss do her thing.
A good night of sleep had me feeling better than I had in my whole life, but I was a pony. I climbed from bed, listened to the clip-clop of hooves as I walked for my bathroom, and quickly climbed into the shower. My cartoon-karma stood me in good shape for the day, and I got done in the shower (watching as the fat, beautiful water drops fall all over me). Stepping out, I walked to the bathroom mirror and the screaming started again. The cute, gray-furred face in the mirror had a little (wide-gaped currently, because screaming) snout, big eyes, and a mop of yellow-gold mane. All of those things seemed to spell just one thing out in my head.
That the screaming was really high-pitched was a bit of a giveaway too.
I stopped screaming at the sweet mare in the mirror, and tried to work on a way to contain my rising panic. I looked down at my forehoof and saw the talisman still attached, none the worse for its soak in the shower.
Lifting my head back up, I gazed back in the mirror. The cute (everything in this world was cute, even the monsters) mare in the mirror looked back with a worried frown. It was heartbreaking, and I wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be okay. Of course, the problem was the mare in the mirror was me.
"It's just for a few days." The words rang in the air, but felt reassuring to say. The reality sank in further that it wasn't just a few days, but a few days every month; Miss Hiss' whammy had a limited duration.
Without thinking twice about it, I walked back to my bedroom and opened the closet. My hoof lifted, and I was just about to grab a shirt when I realized it was my hoof reaching for one. "This is crazy, and silly, and I am sure the universe is laughing it up at my expense. Aren't you?!" I shook a hoof in the air, a classic pose of impotent rage if ever there was one.
Giving up on the morning completely, I opened my door and left my home. The world was entirely different when I could look at it. I marveled at all the colors and happy ponies. "Hi Tabasco!"
"Hi there Dizzy Do! You're looking great today."
Tabasco Sauce was selling "hot dogs" at his little cart. I wondered how many times I had walked past him without looking up. I froze in fear. A little tendril of steam rose from the cart and started toward me. There was literally nothing I could do to avoid the wisps of pure scent from reaching into my nostrils and feeding my brain terpenes I couldn't say no to.
Spicy carrots in a bun weren't the strangest thing I had eaten here, and I knew it wouldn't be the strangest ever, but right now I had to have one. "H-How much for one of those? They smell so gooood." I drew out the last note, my body leaning closer to get more of that wonderful smell.
"For a pretty little thing like you, Dizzy?" He booped me on the nose. "You can have one!"
I blinked in surprise. Normally everypony wanted bits. It was almost as disconcerting as the fact that no matter how many you spent there was always enough to pay for food. I didn't mean my bits purse was limitless—far from it. But if I needed something to eat, I only had to reach my hand (now a hoof) into my purse and a few bits would be present.
So rather than accept charity for being "a pretty little thing" I reached for my bits. "Oh I couldn't. I'll just—" Not only was my bits bag missing, but my pants were too. Of course. I'm a pony. A carrot-dog was shoved forward into my reaching hoof, and I got another boop for my trouble.
"No-no! Can't have anyone claiming I wouldn't feed a starving young mare. You can pay me back tomorrow if you want."
I was completely defeated by not just the world but also the vendor's logic. The world, the cartoon world, hated a sore loser. If I were to grumble something, or complain about my lot in life, you could be sure that the moment I took a bite of the ambrosia in my hoof it would fall apart, or a bird would swoop down and take it.
Affixing a big smile to my lips, I gave Tabasco Sauce the most dazzling of looks. "Thanks, Mr. Sauce!" For my trouble I got a well-meaning pat on the head—and a really tasty breakfast. I lifted the odd food to my mouth and bit into it with my new, flattened teeth.
Heat filled my mouth, but it was the good kind of heat. It lit a fire that simmered through me, while the carrot in its bun crunched satisfyingly. I knew I looked like I was having a great time, and it was absolutely true. The only time something in Equestria ever tasted bad was when it was comically right.
I walked along on three legs, eating my hot-carrot, and took in the world around me. Everything was new and amazing, and I could only gasp in surprise as a different scene played out. Ponies were everywhere—flying, walking, riding in taxi-carts—and they didn't make me want to throw up!
Trotting like a real pony (once I had finished my 'dog, and don't even ask me how I walked with three legs), I didn't count the paces at all.
"Hi Dizzy Do!"
"Hi Mrs' Mango. I love what you've done with your wings."
"Morning Dizzy!"
"Good morning Rose! Those flowers look great!"
I was on top of the world and left everypony I passed smiling just a little wider. By the time I opened the door at work I almost felt like breaking into song. Oh boy that would be some major cartoon-karma right there. Singing invariably made a lot of ponies really happy, and doing that could see you through an entire month of otherwise average luck.
With an uncanny (some would say comical) sense of timing, I opened the door and walked into work just as Miss Hiss slithered out of her adjoining bedroom. The offices, you see, are actually a former flat. The waiting room is the living room, the break room is the old kitchen, and Miss Hiss' consulting room is the main bedroom. She chose the smaller bedroom for her own because, as a snake, tight conditions were her forte.
"Great morning, boss. How are you doing?" Her name danced on my tongue, but we had our little rituals to play out. "Would you like some coffee?" Just mention of the word made my mouth water. The amazing brew that would percolate from the decaf beans would be the best thing I had ever tasted, and I didn't care that it wasn't the real thing—because mind-control.
"I'm sstarting to regret making you a morning pony. Coffee, minion, pleasse." Miss Hiss sounded almost completely asleep. As she slithered her way into the waiting room I saw why, she had a big lump in her midsection. "I ate too much lasst night…"
Anypony not familiar with Miss Hiss would jump to conclusions that were beyond terrible. The lump was almost the right size to be a pony, and despite myself I had a vision of Miss Hiss devouring one of her clients.
"How many did you eat?" I asked, short-circuiting the gag that should have played out from a panic into a new one.
"Five." Miss Hiss burped and looked extremely repentant. "They wiggled all the way down."
Which meant she hadn't eaten a client (or five as the case may be). My hooves made a pleasant clopping sound on the wooden floor that I found myself enjoying. "I know how much you love it when they wiggle. Did they put up a fight?"
I was so focused on the sound of my hooves, and then grinding coffee, that I completely failed to sense Miss Hiss until she was right beside me. "One did. It wass magical." Her tone was wistful, delighted.
"But there was bones, wasn't there? You never think of the bones, boss." I tried to ignore the great predator right beside me, recounting her latest favorite meal. I got both coffee machines dripping, and turned to face Miss Hiss. "Please. At least tell me they were small ones."
"The sstruggling one wass huge. It reminded me of the jungle." She draped her body over my back and half coiled around me, just so she could reach the coffee machine that held the real stuff—or so she thought. The truth was I had brewed both machines with decaf.
"You just can't get enough of those eels, can you?" I reached one hoof up and brushed Miss Hiss' shoulder. "So, boss, how many clients today?"
The moment there was enough dark brew in the "coffee" pot, Miss Hiss struck. Despite her belly slowing her down, and despite being draped over me like an airing rack, she poured a mug of decaf and put the pot back to brew some more.
I watched Miss Hiss take her first sip. Cartoon-karma paid off for her big time as her eyes bulged, her cheeks puffed out, and everything about Miss Hiss suddenly reflected her body's sudden desire not to have decaf coffee inside it. Unfortunately for me, I was right beside Miss Hiss.
Hot drinks didn't burn in cartoons unless it would be funny, and the burns never caused any kind of ongoing injury (practically nothing did, unless it was a scar that made a pony look more handsome or bad-ass). The spit-take Miss Hiss unleashed hit me on the cheek and constituted about four gallons of coffee if I had to guess.
Of course it didn't make a mess of the break room, but I had to reach for a cloth to clean my face.
"Minion! What is thiss?"
"Decaf. Isn't it wonderful?" I didn't have to fake my enthusiasm. I looked at the second pot wistfully, and with my face clean started to pour myself a cup.
Miss Hiss yanked the pot of what should have been coffee and poured it in the sink. "I've created a monsster!"
"Why, thank you Miss Hiss. That's wonderful of you to say." With my cup tipping up, I took my first sip of the amazing substance. "Oh gosh this is good. You really should start drinking it."
"It'ss sswill. It'ss horrible!" Miss Hiss' tail lashed in agitation as she started the machine brewing an actual pot of coffee. "And if I didn't brainwassh you to like it, you would agree!"
"So," I said. "Loving decaf coffee, suddenly becoming a morning-pony… What else did you pack in my brain?" I took another sip of the decaf and didn't care if it was the worst laundry water in all Equestria, it tasted amazing.
"Jusst the better titless. You sshould sshow me more resspect." Miss Hiss straightened herself, or so I thought. The tip of her tail curled around my neck and held on seemingly all on its own.
I struggled for a moment, tried to get it loose, but gave up and sipped more decaf. It wasn't worth fighting Miss Hiss. The greatest ponies in all Equestria had gone against her, and all they had managed was a one in six success rate. "Anything exciting today?"
"Two fear of heightss, four worried about the end of the world, and ssomepony named Dizzy Do wants to forget all her troubless."
My head snapped up and I looked at Miss Hiss. She was making a little, hissing laugh. "So just six?" She nodded. "Should be a good day, then." I had drained my cup without realizing it, and walked closer to the sink trailing Miss Hiss' tail behind me. "Uh, boss?"
"Yess?" I could hear the air of smugness in her voice. She knew what she was doing.
It would eat up some karma, but I didn't want her being casually snakey all day. "I'll say the F word." Her tail tightened a fraction. It was tenseness, not anger, that made it harder to breathe. A moment later her tail let go and left me be.
Miss Hiss made a happy little sigh. "You are coming along well, my evil minion. Ssoon we can take over all Baltimare with jusst our whiless."
"Until Fl—" I only got two letters of the name out before Miss Hiss coiled around my neck and her tail-tip pressed under my jaw to force it closed.
"I like you, Gregory, but don't ssay that name. Even in jesst." Her own tail made me nod in assent to her. "I'm ssorry." Her tail uncoiled from me and, like a shot, she darted into her office. The sound of the door slamming made me jump.
I took a deep breath. My boss was the most dangerous predator in the city, and I had almost provoked her enough to do something bad. For just a second I had seen the villain who threatened to put a choke-hold on all Equestria. I walked to her office door.
Asking for permission to enter wouldn't work, Miss Hiss wouldn't give it. I opened the door and slipped inside. "Miss Hiss?"
"Go away. Tell everypony I'm not doing any work today." She was huddled in a corner, coiled around and around with the thickest part of her tail (not the bit swollen with food) over her head.
"Slitherin Hiss, boss, you didn't eat me."
"I wanted to."
"You also didn't choke me until I agreed."
"I wanted to."
"And you definitely didn't mind-control me to agree."
"I really wanted to."
"But you didn't, boss." As I spoke, I walked closer to the sulking snek. I sat down beside her and leaned against her coils. "You're a good pony, boss."
"No. I'm bad. I wass going to do all ssortss of bad thingss to you just for ssaying—for ssaying Fluttersshy's name. I got really angry, Greg." She moved. Her coils shifting and making way for me.
Without hesitation, I walked up beside my boss. I was surrounded by Miss Hiss, there were coils all around me, and I reached up and pulled my boss into a hug. "You're getting better at it, boss. You even said her name."
Miss Hiss froze for a moment, then hugged me back. "I did, didn't I?" She had sharp fangs, she had entrancing eyes that could erode my free will, and she a tail that could render me immobile, but Miss Hiss needed a hug and I wasn't going to let her scare me away.
Somehow I knew there wasn't any mind-control making me like my boss, she was just another person trying to live the best she could. I squeezed her tight. "You did."
"Minion?" Miss Hiss' voice sounded a little confused.
"Yes, boss?"
"The next client'ss here."
I gave Miss Hiss one more squeeze before letting go. "On it, boss."I turned around and trotted for the door, opening it when I got there. I didn't have to question Miss Hiss knowing someone had arrived, what with her being an apex predator that used to hunt ponies.
Sitting in the waiting room was a young pegasus mare. "Miss Hiss can see you now, Sugarsoar." Of course her name just came to me—weren't you reading earlier? When I turned to look at Miss Hiss, she was composed and sitting behind her desk again.
"T-Thank you, Dizzy Do. Is this, well, safe?" Sugarsoar stepped into Miss Hiss' dim office and waited a moment for her eyes to adjust. Like everypony who had stood where she was, she started the moment she could see the big predator in the room. "Eep!"
Rather than pounce and snare Sugarsoar, however, Miss Hiss held out a pile of papers. "Misss Ssugarssoar, if you ssign here we can begin."
I realized I must have been the only pony to have ever just walked in and let Miss Hiss do her thing. The poor mare was glancing from the papers to Miss Hiss' face.
"It's perfectly safe." This was off script. Normally I would wait for the pony to sign the contract before offering my part of the service, but there was something about Sugarsoar that made me want to hug her reassuringly. "I used to have trouble with motion sickness, and it's all gone."
"Really?" Sugarsoar's worry seemed to evaporate. "I mean, could she really make my acrophobia go away? It's—It's really embarrassing being a pegasus who can't fly higher than a house."
I half turned to look at Miss Hiss. "My boss could make anypony do anything. You know, when she was still evil, she even mind-controlled an alicorn!"
"Ooo!" Bouncing on her hooves now, Sugarsoar seemed much less worried. "Which one? Was it Princess Celestia? Oh! Oh! Or was it Princess Cadance?"
"Princess Twilight Sparkle, and her friends too!"
Sugarsoar flapped her wings twice in excitement. "And she'll really help me? Shouldn't she be off,"—she wiggled a hoof in the air—"taking over the city or something? She'd really help little me?"
"Miss Hiss has a heart of gold. Princess Twilight's best friend, Fluttershy, saw that in her. If you sign the papers, she'll free your wings and let you fly!" I had never seen a pegasus move that fast. She rushed forward and signed the paperwork faster than a Wonderbolt could have.
I'd watched the Wonderbolts once. It had been slightly refreshing to ignore everything on the ground, but much less so when I still got sick. They were really fast, though.
Miss Hiss checked over the paperwork, not that it could be faked now. Any mark anyone made was the right one given their intent, so even if Sugarsoar had sneezed on the page it would have looked right. "Thiss all lookss to be in order."
"Do you want me to help you relax? There's no extra charge, and it will make things easier." Which, of course, was my actual job. Back home, on Earth, I'd been a masseuse. When I'd wound up in Equestria, despite my horrid affliction, I'd found work doing a similar thing.
Just one nod from Sugarsoar was all the permission I needed. Ignoring the fact that I was currently a pony, and didn't have human hands, I reared up and started to rub Sugarsoar's ears.
The effect of a good ear rub were as devastating to a pony's psyche as anything could ever be. Ponies were flighty (doubly so for pegasi), they were superstitious, and they could form an angry mob and run you out of town with pitchforks and torches, but no matter how freaked out a pony might be, if you rub their ears in just the right way they turned to putty.
I knew that way.
"Oooo…" Closing her eyes, Sugarsoar wobbled a little, then sat down. Her mouth dropped open as I worked, and soon she was drooling a little in relaxed bliss.
"Boss?"
Miss Hiss' tail moved out, wrapped around the mare, and coiled her tightly. She let out a little gasp of surprise (particularly since the attack left me unable to rub her ears), but a moment later she let out another happy coo—I'd hit my marks again.
"That feels really good." With her eyes closed, her voice barely a whisper, Sugarsoar was completely relaxed in Miss Hiss' coils. When Miss Hiss leaned in and gently booped the trapped mare on the nose, Sugarsoar opened her eyes.
I felt myself smiling, relaxing, calming down. Miss Hiss' eyes were amazing, beautiful, and the best thing to just gaze into. She whispered things for me to think, things for me to do, and though I wanted to make sure I would follow her words to the letter, she kept me from knowing what she had told me.
Then she told me to wake up. Her eyes were just her eyes again—although they were filled with the usual mischief of her work. She booped Sugarsoar on the snout, then me. The touch jolted me out of my daze and I shook my head.
"Coffee, minion. You know what you like to drink." Miss Hiss' words coiled around in my ears, but didn't immediately pour into my brain like sweet honey.
Then it hit me. Decaf coffee. My mouth was watering as I walked on wobbly hooves toward the break room. I left Sugarsoar with Miss Hiss and followed my nose to the coffee machines. I poured two mugs of decaf, set them both on a tray and reached up to balance it on my back.
I'd never carried things on my back before, mind you, but it just seemed the right way to do it. With my karma still soaring from my happy morning I didn't spill a drop. I walked into the waiting room and finding Sugarsoar looking a little dazed (about as dazed as I felt) I walked right up and offered her a drink. "I hope you don't mind. It's decaf."
"Decaf? That's my favorite drink." Sugarsoar practically leapt up to grab her mug of coffee, and the moment she tilted it to her mouth she sighed in bliss.
The look of delight on Sugarsoar's face reminded me I had my own mug. I took a long sip from the ambrosia, and know I sighed just how she had. "When you feel up to it, just leave your mug on the seat. You paid already?"
Sugarsoar nodded. "Oh. Of course. I always pay my therapist bills on time."
I left her be and walked back toward Miss Hiss. She was sitting at the front desk, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. Of course, this was Equestria; cats don't eat canaries, they get frustrated by them. "Did it work, boss?"
"Of coursse, minion. What do you think about flying?" No sooner did the question pass Miss Hiss' lips than I imagined myself flying through the clouds, barely even aware of the ground below.
I wobbled on my hooves, and tried to flap wings I didn't have. "Y-Yeah, it worked."
"Excellent work, minion. Our next client will be along sshortly." Miss Hiss rubbed her hooves together and cackled as if she had just foretold the doom of all Equestria.
By the time we got to the last client of the day I couldn't even stand up. Miss Hiss' eyes were so pretty I just wanted to keep looking at them all day and night. I heard myself make a little whine as she led Hardhat Girder from the room. Of all the things I could keep straight in my head, it had to be the stallion's name.
I tried to stand, more than once, and each time my legs were wobbly. The last attempt to rise was met with a clucking of a tongue.
"Minion, you aren't going anywhere in that condition."
Staring to fall again, I felt strong coils of snake tail wrap around me and squeeze. I smiled weakly and turned my head to look at Miss Hiss. "B-Boss? I-I-I think I need to—to…" I know I stared blankly for a moment, unable to even contemplate the next word. Sentences were hard.
"That'ss alright, minion."
I woke up feeling great. It was morning again, although something was wrong. I was wrapped tight, in the dark, and everything smelled like—well, like Miss Hiss. I opened my eyes and tried to squirm out from the twisting tail that wrapped me, but such was not to be.
In cartoons, once a snake is coiled around its prey it takes a hilarious joke to get free. Usually something that made the snake look to be made of rubber. It took some time, but I eventually worked one arm out of Miss Hiss' coils. That is to say, an actual arm. "I'm human again!"
The realization came with the extra surprise that I was fully clothed. Well, of course, cute cartoons about magical ponies are always rated for little kids, which means you can't have naughty things in them.
Even my shout didn't wake the sleeping snek, but I had a plan. Reaching as far as I could, I managed to touch Miss Hiss' head. A normal human would panic, struggle, and only encourage the giant predator to grip down tighter.
I rubbed Miss Hiss' ear.
Like a long balloon that has lost its air, Miss Hiss' tail seemed to relax and go limp. I had to do this just right. I reached my other arm up and got a double-rub going on her nearest ear. The talisman still clung to my wrist, but I couldn't think about that while subduing Miss Hiss.
Her coils would tighten again, not unlike a steel trap, if I so much as tried to get away. Instead of sealing my doom and making a run for it, I slid forward a little more and reached up to rub Miss Hiss' other ear.
Her coils fell away completely, and I finally got to find out that Miss Hiss was just as easy to subdue with ear rubs as a regular pony. "Big, fierce lamia. Where's all your strength and mind-control now?" I couldn't help myself. Miss Hiss' face was a study in pony bliss: her eyes were closed, her smile wide, and her tongue poked out just enough to see it was forked.
I couldn't keep it up all day, though, and it wasn't like I was going to get away from her. The moment I relaxed my hands and stopped massaging her ears, Miss Hiss struck.
"You would dare to ssubdue the mighty Missss Hissss?!" Her tail coiled tight around me, each loop squeezing me just enough that I wouldn't be doing much other than breathing. Her eyes burned with fury until her hoof came in and poked my nose. "Boop!"
For a moment my eyes crossed, and I stared at the hoof pressed to my nose. Then my giggles started, and after those actual laughter. Miss Hiss joined in too.
By the time our giggles died down Miss Hiss had released me. I walked, relieved to be back on two legs, over to the light switch. It was a moment of truth for me, when I turned the lights on and didn't get sick. "Boss, you're amazing."
"I know." Miss Hiss looked very satisfied with herself.
I yawned and stretched. Breakfast was in order, and a nice and big mug of that wonderful ambrosia: decaf coffee. I let out a whimper. "You're still evil."
Miss Hiss' smile got even wider. "Flatterer."
Author's Note
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