WE HATE CLOP FICS!

by The Cowardly Christian

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Gravity Falls, Main 7 (EqG), Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 3358

A dark, malevelont entity with god-like powers is forcing poor ponies into compromising situations that FORCE them to sleep with a hairless ape -no it's not YOU- it's an eldritch abomination- but good guess...

After a great tradgedy that paves the streets with blood...Equestria finds herself adopting a human infant...worse, she discovers that the child has both a blessing and a curse.

He'll be cursed to create a great evil that will shake Equestria and kill everyone he loves...

....but blessed to always find love....whether the ponies like it or not...wait, i think I got those last two mixed up, the blessing sounds worse then the curse!

Published 2018-04-30 12:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-31 22:43:55 UTC

Chapter 1

Author's Note

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publishing company. It's also now available at Amazon and BarnesandNoble

...

...

https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963

Above is a link to amazon for my book

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966

Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book

https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898

Above is a link to Xilbris for my book

https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373

Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/

Above is a link to my Linkedin account

https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/

Above is a link to my Tumblr account

https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90

Above is a link to my facebook account

https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2

Above is a link to my Patreon account

.......

If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911

...

AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?

Love me, flame me, review me

Chapter 1

WE HATE CLOP FICS!

...

It was a glorious day in Canterlot! Celestia should know, she was the one that set it in motion! It was so beautiful that she just had to sing!

Morning in Equestria shimmers

Morning in Equestria shines

And I know for absolute certain...

That everything is certainly fine!

She flies above her subjects wishing them all good will and happiness...

There's the Mayor en route to her office.

"Morning your majesty!" Shouts said mayor.

There's the sofa clerk selling some quills.

"Thanks for the beautiful day your majesty!"

My Equestria is so gentle and still

Can things ever go wrong?

I don't think that they will!

Says the princess as she lands and confidently trots down the street.

Morning in Equestria shimmers

Morning in Equestria shines

And I know for absolute certain, That everything is certainly—

WHAM!

(music abruptly halts)

Celestia shook her head and turned to the person she'd run into, "I'm so sorry, i should watch where... Celestia froze...for before her stood a monster.

It towered above her, it had long slender arms and had no face...yet it wore a business suite and held an umbrella.

The creature(somehow) smiled at her, "Afternoon your majesty...would you like to buy an umbrella? Storm's a coming after all." He said innocently.

Celestia, after a moments shock...found her voice, "S-storm? Why there's not a cloud in the sky. I-

SPLAT!

Something hit the ground near Celestia, covering her face with something wet and sticky...suddenly having a bad feeling...Celestia touched the substance on her face...and saw it was blood...

Dread now on the rise...she turned to the 'object' that had squirted her...and her insides went cold...it was an infant...a hairless, ape-like infant...that had hit the pavement, killing it instantly...it's blood and grey matter now splashed everywhere...

Before a horrified Celestia could respond-

SPLAT!

Celestia's ears prickled in terror at the sound...as it slowly...but surly began to get more frequent...

SPLAT!...SPLAT!...SPLAT!...

The monster handed her a spare umbrella, "I REALLY think you should reconsider...I have a suspicion that this is about to become a downpour." Said the creature with a (somehow)knowing smile.

Celestia grabbed the umbrella just in time-

SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!

Young fillies sobbed as a mutilated infant crashed through the window and soiled her tea set...

SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT! "Now you've nothing to worry about sweetie, my hands are the steadiest in all Equestria," Comforts the dentist as she begins to operate on the little colts teeth-

CRASH!

SPLAT

...Right before a mangled infant corpse shatters her window and leaves a bloody smear on her face...both dentist and colt scream....one in horror...the other in agony...

SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!

A clown tries to pull a rabbit out of his top hat...only to find a mangled infant corpse instead....both clown and foals scream. "I...I was the last foal on earth that wasn't terrified by clowns." Whimpered the Birthday colt as he hide under the picnic table in a troubled fetal position...while MORE infant human fell to their deaths...

SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!

Chariots swerved and crashed as disgusted stallion riders accidentally crushed infant skulls beneath the hoof's...

SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!*SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!**SPLAT!*

A nun gets on all her knees and wails to the heavens over the slaughter of so many innocents....right before an infant eyeball plops into her open mouth....

SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!*SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!***SPLAT!

A stallion about to give a ring to his beloved fiancee....gaped in horror as said ring was knocked from his head....replaced by infant entrails! ....Needles to say...I doubt she'll accept his proposal...*SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!*SPLAT!

A stallion in a white suite slups tea and crumpets....and....nothing happens. He turns around and sees a storm cloud over far away Canterlot. "Huh...wow, looks bad up there...good thing I'm in Ponyville and not Canterlot-********

SPLAT!

...and now he's covered in baby guts...and vomiting...

SPLAT!

SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!SPLAT!-

Celestia could only gape in horror...thousands...thousands of infants...falling from the sky's...staining her beautiful land in blood and gore, she quickly tried to use her magic, but it just bounced off them uselessly! She tried to fly up and catch them...but they seemed to ricochet away her grasp at the last second!

After several hours, her face with streaked with blood and tears as she wailed and weeped over this whole nightmare, some of her more braver subjects had tried to help...but they too had been meet with failure...still at least it was starting to let up a bit...

SPLAT!...SPLAT!...SPLAT!...

Celestia simply cradled the rotting corpse of the sweet infant...an infant who would now never know love, friendship, and happiness...two less eyes that wouldn't see, one less pair of lungs that would breath, one less mouth to laugh...a life murdered before it could ever truly live...

She wailed to the heaves, "WHY!? WHY!? COULDN'T I SAVE THEM!?" She screamed to all who would listen.

"No need to shout, just adopt them before they crash obviously. Then you can save them no problem..." Spoke up the monster in a mock chastising way.

Celestia turned to the monster, both in rage and stunned bafflement. Before she could vent her anger-

"Oh, speaking of which...I think the last one is falling now. Best hurry your majesty." He said as he pointed upward.

Celestia looked up...and sure enough one last infant was falling, everything else left her mind as she went super-sonic to grab the child and while doing so-

"BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, I ADOPT THIS CHILD AND MAKE HIM MY HEIR!" Screamed Celestia desperately as she used her magic to bind the oath, she had no reason to trust the monsters words, but at this point she'd try ANYTHING!

...and it worked...the child wept. "Oh, sweeite! Don't cry! It'll all be better now!" She said as comforting as possible, she summoned a blanket to warm and cover the child's naked form. While doing so...she noticed an odd birth mark on his head...

"The big Dipper? Huh, interesting omen...Hmmm....Dipper...I guess that's a good name as any...." Thinks Celestia as she floats down slowly...not surprising, the monster was long gone...what WAS surprising was that he'd left a parchment full of instructions...instructions that made Celestia feel sick.

She quickly covered the ears of her new son...and screamed every profanity under, above and within the sun...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

chapter 2

WE HATE CLOP FICS! 2

...

YOU NAMED THAT SAVAGE YOUR HEIR!?

HE'S NOT EVEN A PONY!

YOU TURNED DOWN MY SON TO ALLOW THAT 'THING' ON THE THRONE!?

WHY NOT JUST THROW OUR COUNTRY TO THE DIAMOND DOGS WHILE WERE AT IT!?

Celestia groaned as the nobles continued to scream. Naturally, even after the 'rain' had ended ponies were still in panic. Cleanup was in progress...but it would take months...there was just so much blood...EVERYWHERE...

But that was a concern for later...right now, she'd adopted a strange 'alien'. No, not just adopted, thanks to her mystically binding oath...this child was now her HEIR, the next in line for the throne...

Right, she'd had enough of this, she had a child to look after now after all! Why, she hadn't even named him yet!

ENOUGH!

Her scream shook the entire courtroom, silencing everyone.

She glared at all of them; "First of all...I did what I had to do to stop yet ANOTHER infantcide- Unless you rather I have just allowed the child to die!?" She glared at everyone, daring them to say 'yes'...none did.

"SECOND, who my heir is is hardly relative considering I'm immortal...unless someone here is suggesting something be done about that as well!?" She accused darkly...again, the now cowed nobles said nothing...

Celestia nodded, "Good, in that case if you'll excuse me...I now have a son who needs to be attending to." She teleports away before she could be stopped.

...

She goes right to the royal physician, they inform her that far as they can tell...he seems healthy.

"Of course, that's mostly guess work. This is a completely new species, I've already talked with other physicians and were going to have to do extensive research on this."

Celestia agreed to this, she then takes up the child into her arms. He was such a scrawny, tiny thing. She knew not what to do with him, or how his future will play out- there was no way in Tarterus she was going to allow what that monster wrote to happen -But she was going to do everything in her power to love and protect this child...

Again, she saw the birthmark on his head, "The big Dipper...Dipper...how about I call you that?What do you think little one?" She took his giggling as a yes.

...She'd never had a child of her own before- out of fear that it would be mortal and she'd outlive it -but she was the ruler of an entire realm, one who'd established a peaceful reign...how hard could it be to raise a child?

...

...how she would curse tempting fate like that...

For the first five months it was -more or less- a simple matter of taking care of a baby...then he learned to walk...and Celestia realized the TRUE flipside of being a parent...watching their child become a spawn of Tarterus itself!

No sooner had he taken his first steps...then he'd figured out how to undo the lock in his crib...

"HOW'D HE GET ON THE ROOF!?"

First Celestia tried to simply replace the basic wooden bolt with an iron bolt, it worked...for a week before Dipper figured out how to unscrew them-

"DIPPER! NO! THAT GUILLOTINE IS NOT A TOY!"

Then she used a lock...an honest to goodness numerical lock...and it worked...Dipper was never able to find out a way to unlock it...

"HOW'D HE GET INTO THE MANTICORE POISON!? WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THIS!?"

...so instead he just figured out how to unscrew the nuts keeping the crib together...causing it to fall apart...

Celestia just stared with her mouth gaping open at the soot covered guards she'd assigned to watch over Dipper. "How- "We want hazard pay...triple the usual amount...or we quit!" Interrupted the guard annoyed...

Celestia simply facehoofed herself...

...

Indeed, unconfined from his crib, he got into EVERYTHING. He'd collect/steal anything 'interesting' that wasn't nailed down, eat anything that looked 'neat', and explore every nook, cranny, and crawlspace...

Celestia tried to be firm with him, but it was hard...Dipper was unlike most foals she'd read up on, save for the most extreme cases pony foals were for the most part well behaved, fairly clever, weren't very curious and obedient to their parents- if easily panicked at the drop of a hat(it went hand-in-hand with the naturally 'herd' instinct that all ponies shared).

And although Dipper was clever- WAY more clever then most foals his age -he seemed to have a curious, disobedient streak a mile long!

..it left Celestia with little idea on how to handle him...which of course lead to...

"Now Dipper, you must behave yourself! Otherwise...Nightmare moon will swoop down and eat you!" She hated doing this- as it brought on bad memories, plus only encouraged the demonization of her beloved sister...but she was at her wits end!

...Fortunately...it seemed to work! Dipper began to reign in his quirky impulsive tendencies...and although he still dismantled his crib...it was only occasionally, as opposed to multiple times a day...

It worked so well, that Celestia continued at it...she started to Add Discord as a cautionary tale! And again, it seemed to work. Celestia didn't question it...her blood pressure was finally low again...that was all that mattered...

...looking back she should have known better...

Celestia was astounded when At only one year old he began to speak his first words...much to her confusion, instead of the usual 'moma', 'cat', 'dog', etc. that most foals began to say...he instead asked, 'Nightmare moon?' and 'Discord'?

...several months later, after much effort he'd begin to string more words together...and started expanding to 'Who Nightmare Moon?', 'Who Discord?' and 'Tell me.'

Again, weird behavior for a child that age- from a pony perspective -most foals -well most pony's of all ages really -would be content with as little knowledge as possible on such unpleasant subjects and focus on having a happy day...but not Dipper apparently!

Baffled by this very un-pony-like behavior...the guards, servants, and Celestia found themselves answering most of his questions out of simple bewilderment of why he'd want to know such things...

...At age two...

Celestia hummed a happy tune as she walked through the royal garden, her son was progressing quickly, she'd been a bit worried about her decision to get him started on learning to read when he first showed interest at such a young age...but apparently no one told Dipper that most foals his age found books 'boring'. Celestia giggled, despite the bit of a rough start...she was growing very found of her adopted child. Say what you will about him he kept things...'interesting'.

Why there he was now, standing in the middle of the garden, tall, proud, unclothed...next to the statue of discord?

Celestia frowned, Why would he-

Then Dipper ran away from the statue...a statue that Celestia now saw was covered with something-

BOOM!

Celestia's eye twitched and mouth gaped in horror as the statue of Discord exploded, "MY LITTLE PONIES! RUN! DISCORD IS FREE! HE-

"OH SWEET MERCY! OH FAUST! I COULDN'T BE IN MORE PAIN! GAH! GAH! GAH! WHY!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

All of Canterlot and the surrounding cities fell to their knees and clutched their heads as Discord continued to scream into their minds in agony...

...

Turns out Dipper- once told about Discord and Nightmare Moon coming to get him, took a more...'proactive' approach. Again, this shocked everyone with his so very different mindset. Ponies didn't think like that! They loved to avoid thought's of conflicts and strife, much preferring to live their lives in happy bliss. True if a conflict arose they'd try to fight against it...but to strike BEFORE said evil did, to actively prepare and plan for it? For the most part this was completely unheard of!

Even Celestia was floored by this! True, she had plans in place for said evils return...but nothing quite so...AGGRESSIVE! She'd never have thought to blow it up, not only because the risk of setting him free...but also due to the peaceful, herbivore nature that most ponies have that makes them exceedingly reluctant to take another life.

She was also surprised by Dipper's creation, at first she merely thought that Dipper had somehow acquired magically created fireworks...but instead he'd just made his own! After much experimentation he'd apparently learned of a recipe for a potent explosive composed of potassium nitrate (75% by weight), charcoal (15% by weight), and sulfur (10% by weight)...it was an amazing...and also kinda terrifying how easily weapons of destruction came to Dipper...

In any case...Discord was shattered to a thousand pieces...he was still trapped, but forced to endure the feeling of being shattered yet never dying...forever.

...His screams of agony were horrifying and ironically his innate chaos magic made it impossible to put the pieces back together in any conventional way...

...So with a heavy heart Celestia was forced to scatter the pieces so far apart from each other that Discords mind bbecomes too fractured and weak for his screams of agony to torment pony-kind.

Celestia was originally going to put each piece in a separate castle filled with traps and such...but Dipper had the clever idea of simply randomly scattering the pieces all over the world...thus making it impossible for them to be reassembled, since all those small pieces just looked like ordinary rocks...

Celestia complimented his...'unique' ingenuity...however, in concern to his plan to 'deal' with Nightmare Moon-

"NO! I'm not sending you to the moon to blow her up!" "Awwwww, but mom- "NO, buts mister!"

...

As time went on Celestia began to see how much more clever Dipper was becoming, turns out he'd been hiding secret caches of supplies throughout the castle...he'd even gone as far to allow himself to be caught stealing a couple times just to make he guards complacent and allow him to steal more while their guard was down...

...Still...despite this, after the Discord fiasco Dipper calmed down...and several years of peace followed...until...

...age five...

"So your daughter got her cutie mark?" Asked a maid excited, the other maid nodded. "YES! I'm so proud of her! Were having her Cutescenera this weekend!"

"What's a cutie mark?" Both maids looked down at the suddenly appearing unclothed 'prince'.

They told him how a cutie mark is the mark of a 'true' pony, as well as an indicator of their 'destiny'.

"Wow...when do i get mine?" Asked Dipper excited.

The now very nervous maids...being under strict orders -like the rest of the household -by the Princess to allow her to...'ease' Dipper into the idea that he wasn't a pony...simply advised he 'explore various interests until he found one that felt 'right'.'

...They would rue that advise...

...Thanotology Cutie mark...

"Why is their roadkill in your room!?"

...Demonology Cutie Mark...

"DIPPER! BRING BACK CERBERUS! WE NEED HIM TO GUARD THE GATES OF TARTERUS!" Shouted an exhausted Celestia as she chased Dipper ridding said giant three-headed dog through Canterlot...

...pyrologist Cutie Mark...

"HOW DID HE SET THE POOL ON FIRE!?"

...eschatology Cutie mark...

"Dipper, stop giving ponies Existential crisis! -A sentence I never thought I'd ever use..."

...Virology Cutie Mark...

"Why Dipper, why!?"

...Astrology Cutie mark...

"WHY IS THE OBSERVATORY FILLED WITH TREE SAP!?"

...Necromancy Cutie mark...

"DIPPER! I SAID NO MORE ROADKILL IN YOUR ROOM!

...

Celestia sighed...she kept Dipper locked up all day...she didn't want to panic ponies with his appearance...or break poor Dipper's heart with the revelation that he's not a pony...worse, he wasn't meeting anyone his age! How was he to experience the wonders of friendship?

Celestia briefly thought of the two human girls that also survived the 'baby rain'...but immediately dismissed them, if the monsters letter was right...well...best not to take chances.

...come to think of it...the time was drawing near for her to find the 'chosen one' for her apprentice to bring her sister back to her...perhaps she could kill two birds with one stone?

...

Dipper read over one of the few books that Canterlot had on Zebra magic...if his hunch was right...

Then he noticed his mom enter the room...with someone else?

"Dipper...I'd like you to meet Sunset Shimmer, she'll be my new apprentice and I hope you treat her nicely.

Dipper, although feeling awkward being around a filly his age for the first time tried to do as his mom asked and smiled and raised a hand for her to shake.

"H-hello Sunset! I...I hope we'll be friends!" He said nervously.

The little yellow filly just stared at the hairless naked ape for a second... "Your dick is tiny." She pointed out.

Celestia face hoofed...

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

Chapter 3

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