Welcome to Ponyville

by Ocean Waves

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 2454

Strange things often happen in the small town of Ponyville. A radio station provides news of these incidents to the locals. A crossover with Welcome to Night Vale.

Strange things often happen in the small town of Ponyville.

From the return of Nightmare Moon to the clashes between Town Hall and Discord cultists to the arrival of the mysterious mailbox, Dusty Roads will strive to keep the inhabitants of Ponyville up to date on important information.

A crossover with Welcome to Night Vale.

Published 2018-05-07 13:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-07 13:30:06 UTC

1 - Welcome Listeners

Ponyville, the town that stands against the arbor menace. Our library is a living reminder to all trees of the fate that awaits them, both inside and out.

Welcome to Ponyville

In national news, the longest day of the thousandth year is tomorrow. As decreed by our benevolent and eternal pony overlord Princess Celestia, all ominous chanting, equine sacrifices, and acts of accidental necromancy are banned. The deadline for those wishing to reserve a location for an intentional act of necromancy was last Friday. Princess Celestia later expanded the decree to include summoning, banishing, and the signing of legal contracts.

In related news, all ponies not friends of the late Golden Daisy should avoid the Ponyville Rec Center today and tomorrow. Conversely, ponies who were friends of Ms. Daisy might be in for a pleasant surprise if they do visit. Shout out to our station's own Pushing Daisy, who is taking the week off to help out.

Ah children. They grow up so fast. One day they're interning with the local radio station, the next they're raising the dead.

In local news, Ponyville is hosting the Summer Sun Celebration this year. That's right folks, our lovely town will be hosting our beloved Sun Princess tomorrow.

The Royal Guard has already surveyed the town, and would like for me to remind everypony of the flag system used in this survey. If you see a house with a green flag, it's fine. That family is an upright member of the community. If you see a yellow flag, beware. That family has harboured seditious thoughts and is not fit to be spoken of in polite society. If you see a red flag, well... I've been assured that arrangements have been made to house Scootaloo elsewhere. The black flag, the Jolly Roger, marks the locations of ongoing conflict between the Royal Guard and the pirate menace, and should always be avoided.

Tensions rose earlier today amongst the large Apple family. An apple with a note saying "To the most beautiful" was tossed into Sweet Apple Acres. While nopony knew exactly who the apple was meant for, all the Apples agreed that hitting Granny Smith with the delivery was a step too far. While half the Apple family remained at Sweet Apple Acres to prepare the delicious food for the celebration tomorrow, the other half took to prowling the streets to find the pony responsible.

Red Delicious informed the station that the perpetrator was eventually apprehended by a joint Guard-Apple task force. The culprit was a Discord cultist who said his motives were unknowable, his methods mysterious, and his hair fabulous.

As a reminder, no Equestrian should want the return of Discord. Chocolate milk is not a substitute for rain and will kill all our plants. Even if we attempted to survive on alternative food sources, we would all still die. The Apple family would be quite vengeful over their loss of crops.

Pinkie Pie has published a party calender, complete with party invitations. I have purchased a calender myself, and I must say that they are well made, and that the pictures look absolutely delicious. Ms. Pie has asked me to ensure everypony knows that today's party is for the new Unicorn, Ms. Sparkle, at the town library. It is a surprise party, so I have refrained from recording it's existence in my diary.

A dragon has been spotted in our dear town of Ponyville. It stands about three feet tall, is Purple and Green, and is typically accompanied by Ms. Sparkle.

I have been informed by our local dragon expert Winter Green that we are all doomed and the town is lost. Duly worried, I reached out to our other local animal expert, Ms. Fluttershy. She assured me that the town was in no danger, and that the dragon was actually an alright fellow.

My attempts to reconcile these two points of view have failed, as Mr. Green has already fled Ponyville.

A mysterious mailbox has appeared on the edge of town. It is mailbox-shaped, is carved from Sequoia wood, and emits a soft wail that sounds like the screaming of the damned.

As the mailbox is in the middle of the road and not near any houses, Mayor Mare has fined the owner of the mailbox fifty bits for failure to respect zoning ordinances. The Town Hall intern who placed the notice inside the mailbox had to be taken to the hospital for treatment. They said he had seen that which is best left unseen, presumably within the mailbox.

The Mayor responded to this latest development by fining the mailbox owner fifty more bits for interference with civic duty.

And finally, background ponies. What do they want? Where do they come from? Why are they here?

From Ponyville Radio, this is Dusty Roads, goodnight.

2 - All Hail the Mighty Nightmare Moon

The stars have aligned. They are still shining for this 5 PM broadcast.

Welcome to Ponyville

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that this station has fallen into enemy hooves. The battle was as fierce as it was short, and our head of security Sound Mike will likely never trot again. In addition, seven of our interns have been injured.

As part of the terms of surrender, I am to read the demands of Ms. Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon, who in addition to being real is both an Alicorn and in rebellion against our missing, yet still eternal ruler Princess Celestia. The demands are written in some form of archaic Equestrian, and I will attempt to translate them to the best of my ability.

Citizens of Ponyville:

Vague threat. Implied threat. Vague threat. Demand. Demand. Implied threat. All hail the mighty Nightmare Moon. Vague threat. Some sort of squiggle that may be a threat to me personally or just a signature.

I apologize for any errors in translation. My studies in archaic Equestrian were confined to the four hours prior to the final exam.

As a side note, Sound Mike has been promoted to the writing staff. As we all know, working for the radio station is a lifetime commitment, so without his legs Mr. Mike must continue his eternal servitude in a different department.

With that out of the way, we now return to our regular radio program.

In national news, the sun has yet to rise and the moon has not set. Additionally, Princess Celestia did not appear for the Summer Sun Celebration and is presumed missing. Local scientists suggest that this event can have massive effects on our planet, particularly on that of the tides. Thankfully, Ponyville is not near any ocean and is thus safe from these catastrophic events in the short term.

The other important event in national news is the appearance of the previously mentioned Nightmare Moon, who is attempting to perform a coup and bring about eternal night. There is no word yet of which side Princess Cadance supports, or if she intends to turn this into a battle royale.

Currently, the Royal Guard is denying that their Ponyville detachment has been defeated by Nightmare Moon using lightning. They do acknowledge that Nightmare Moon is an exceptionally powerfully electrokinetic, and advise all the residents of Ponyville to seek shelter and stay away from windows.

In local news, six mares were seen heading into the Everfree forest earlier. As we all know, ponies who enter the Everfree Forest are never seen again. Their mass funeral is planned for next Saturday.

With the revelation that fictional Alicorns depicted for our holidays can come to life, Mayor Mare has banned all images of the following: Foal New Year, Santa Hooves, Nightmare Moon, and Cupid. The Colta-Cola company has already filed fifteen lawsuits to preserve their advertisement campaign.

Tragedy struck the Ponyville Rec Center during the attempted resurrection of Golden Daisy. Without the vital ingredient of the rising sun, the ritual went awry when attempting to call forth the deceased's spirit. Instead of seeing the elder Daisy brought back to life, onlookers were treated to a midnight performance of "Thriller" and provided complementary tickets to see Hamilton.

In addition, the ritual has summoned and bound a mysterious spirit to Pushing Daisy, who now insists on speaking about herself in the plural form. She has since been arrested for violating the ban on summoning during the day of the Summer Sun Celebration.

The Discord cultist arrested yesterday has managed to escape from prison during the chaos caused by Nightmare Moon. According to the Royal Guard, be on the lookout for a small green Pegasus stallion going by names similar to Ferris, Ferrus, Wheel, or Bob. If spotted, contact the Royal Guard and delay the cultist by engaging him in conversation about the merits of abstract art.

An incident occurred earlier today at the strange Sequoia mailbox.

Or is it earlier tonight, as the sun has not risen?

Regardless, an incident occured earlier at the mailbox. Presumably in response to the 100 bits in fines, the mailbox glowed a sickly green for half an hour and then moved about fifteen feet. Incidentally, the mailbox is no longer in conflict with existing zoning regulations.

Nopony saw the mailbox when it moved, and we are all uncertain as to how this was accomplished. A vigil to observe any future movements by the mailbox has begun.

Finally, I'd like to talk about Unisus guards. You know, the Royal Guards with both wings and a horn we sometimes see for a split second. Are they secretly a princess in disguise? Are they proof of a supersoldier program? What are their names?

From Ponyville Radio, this has been Dusty Roads. Goodnight.

3 - Recovery

The town library is also a boarding house. Who knew?

Welcome to Ponyville

In national news, the sun and moon have returned to their normal schedules. Local scientists led by Doctor Whooves have assured me that the danger to our planet has been reduced from 'absurdly dangerous' to merely 'catastrophic'. He elaborated on this by explaining how the tides were likely disrupted and all the coastal communities on the planet likely suffered grievous damage from the tides.

Our beloved eternal pony overlord, Princess Celestia is no longer missing. She is introducing the pony that used to be Nightmare Moon as her sister and now fellow pony overlord Princess Luna. This has become very unpopular amongst historians, who are unsure if they should record Nightmare Moon's attempted coup as a failure or as a tie. The Royal Guard has responded to this by claiming victory, and stated that whomever they now bow to at the end of the day is irrelevant.

On a side note, Equestria seems to be gaining princesses at an increasing rate. Think about it listeners, we went almost a millennium with just one princess and then we have gained two in recent years. What a great time to be alive.

Our last piece of national news is the announcement that tickets for the Grand Galloping Gala have gone on sale. These tickets are so expensive and so exclusive that ponies will do almost anything to get one. My advice? Sure it's a ticket to the most newsworthy event of the year, but it's very expensive and there are better uses of my time. Like knitting or playing card games. In the end, it just isn't worth attending the Gala. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully...

If any of you listeners actually attend the Gala, please tell me what it was like.

In local news, it is with great regret that the funerals planned for next Saturday have been cancelled, as the ponies in question have not actually perished. Pinkie Pie has expressed profound disappointment, as she had volunteered as both a pallbearer and the caterer.

The mysterious mailbox has moved again. Despite the constant vigil of Town Hall interns, nopony saw the mailbox in transit as it shifted another 4 feet to the east.

Town Hall has responded to this aggressive move by posting notice that the mailbox has six days to pay the fine or else be treated as an abandoned vehicle and be towed. So far the mailbox has failed to respond, apart from a brief moment where it glowed pink and smelt of Lavender.

Pushing Daisy defended herself in court earlier today for breaking Princess Celestia's ban on summoning the day of the Summer Sun Celebration. Referring to herself the entire time as 'We', Ms. Daisy argued that as the sun has not yet risen when the ritual was performed, she had not actually broken the decree. Instead, she had performed a summoning really, really, really late into the night prior to that extremely short day. The judge responded with "Touché", and had her released.

Ms. Sparkle and
Mr. Spike, the new Unicorn and dragon, have moved into our town library. No word yet on how this will effect operating hours of the library, or if Ms. Sparkle will function as the first Ponyville librarian in 87 years. This is of personal interest to our previous librarian, my deceased aunt Dust Cover, who sits on the town council and heads the Board of Ghosts and Hauntings. Ms. Cover believes that it is important to allow ponies to check out books from the library so that the town can collect income on overdue books. This would reduce the tax burden the library currently is on our town.

Princess Cadance has struck down part of Mayor Mare's anti-fictional Alicorn policy by imposing an injunction that will allow displays of Cupid to continue. The reasoning for the injunction was said to be personal, but the Princess did elaborate that the law was based on superstitious nonsense.

Colta-Cola has taken this as a major step towards victory in their own efforts. When asked how the injunction on Cupid helps with lifting the ban on Santa Hooves, the Colta-Cola representative responded with fifteen seconds of dead silence and a clipped "We'll call you back."

Due to recent losses, I am happy to announce that our radio station is once again accepting interns. While a dangerous and lifetime commitment, nothing else compares to providing accurate and up to date news to our lovely town. Applicants should expect to slave away for little pay, risk their lives biweekly, and will be provided excellent dental care and vacation days. Interns who excel can even reserve spots in Ponyville's Retirement Home for not-quite Retired Interns, where top notch medical care is provided to facilitate their continued eternal servitude.

And finally, the Everfree Forest. Why is it so dangerous? Where did it come from? Why did we build our town near it?

From Ponyville Radio, this is Dusty Roads, goodnight.