Pinkie's Apiecalypse

Chapters

Apple versus Pie
Apple Pie
Rarity Evens the Score
Pinkie's Apiecalypse
Twilight's Tale

Apple versus Pie

Celestia loved her little ponies dearly, and she enjoyed the rhythms and motions of governing, acting in her executive capacity. It came as natural as breathing, much as it had for well over a thousand years.

Five minutes until my morning briefing with our chief military officers.

Celestia’s hoof falls rang off the tall stone walls of Canterlot castle with a ringing tone. She preferred the natural sound of her own hoof falls, without the adamantine hoofguards in place, but that wasn’t an option when she had her public face on and was going about her normal duties. She wished she hadn’t been as resolute about uniforms and appearances a thousand years ago, but such things had become iconic now, and she didn’t have the heart to change them.

She did treasure these quiet moments, though, such as they were. She used to have attendants follow her, giving her briefings and schedule updates in the corridors between meetings, but she had long since done away with that. Unless there was some type of emergency to be handled, she could just be briefed when she got there. Having the quiet moments to just be was becoming an increasingly valuable use of her time.

Be. And just to breathe. Mentally in the moment. Natural, placid and serene.

What was not natural as breathing was having to deal with Luna’s resurgent joy in pranks. Celestia rolled her eyes as she thought about morning tea. As for herself, she knew that she had something of a reputation as a prankster. The occasional prank was vital to her serene mental state. And besides, it was highly entertaining to deflate some of the puffed up egos around her from time to time. The tabloid stories raving about her latest “Trollery Escapades” however, were greatly blown out of proportion. Truly, she wasn’t that bad.

Luna, on the other hoof, seemed to be trying to make up for lost time, and was on the highway to elite troll status. Celestia huffed as she thought about the situation in the breakfast dining room not even an hour ago.

Rounding the corner, Celestia looked down the final corridor on the way to the Briefing Room. Like many of the hallways of Canterlot Castle, this one was garnished with the typical trimmings and flare that was en vogue for modern ponydom’s tastes and fashion. Multiple tapestries garnished each side of the hall, interspersed with cold-fire torches and tasteful sculptures set atop pedestals.

After taking a few steps down the hallway, Celestia sensed a remote magical trigger of considerable power, causing a wave of an uncertain magical effect to flow towards her. Readying herself with a defensive spell and igniting her horn, Celestia paused for a moment, blinking in shock. All of the tapestries lining either side of the hallway were transforming, one after the other, until the area of effect reached her position. Somehow, the decorative tapestries that once displayed a beautiful spring green and gold motif had been transformed into actual pony tails, all in the color scheme of a certain bookish princess.

Then, if that weren’t enough, all of the cold-fire torches suddenly released themselves from their sconces on the walls, falling to the stone floor and rolling to a stop beneath what used to be tapestries, igniting them in flames and burning them to ash. Pealing laughter sounded from somewhere close by, likely coming from a branching off corridor. It sounded almost reminiscent of Nightmare Moon.

“The shenanigans… will last... forever!”

Apparently, Luna was up past her bedtime, and probably needed to be sent to her room. Celestia pressed her lips together in a thin frown. The illusion was decidedly not amusing. As the illusory smoke began to clear a single, innocent looking sticky bun sat on the floor before her.

Just you wait, dear sister. I will tanta-bust your flank all the way back to your chambers.

"Is uh... everything alright, Princess?" Raven called out. She sounded concerned.

Celestia’s left eye twitched as she looked up through the haze towards her head secretary who was standing in front of the double doors of the Day Briefing room. Raven was a no-nonsense mare with a coat of almost-white and a mane of deep brown hair normally styled up into a bun. She was currently bookended by two ponies of the Day Guard, who normally stood in a rather stoic manner in their gleaming golden armor. Except the three of them had completely lost their bearing, blinking with their mouths hanging slightly open.

Conjuring a breeze and giving it a pinpoint direction with her pegasus magic to improve visibility in the hall, Celestia smiled apologetically at the three by the door. “Good morning my little ponies. Raven, please let---"

Celestia's directive was rudely interrupted by the sticky bun exploding. Bits of glaze and fragments of bread peppered her coat and the walls around her. Stunned, she could only blink for a few seconds. Before clearing her throat, absolutely keeping any iota of emotion out of her voice.

"As I was saying, please let General Zenith know that our meeting will be delayed for several minutes. My dear sister needs a few bats cleared out of her belfry.”

...Either that or her bell rung.

"I will return shortly." Celestia ignited her horn for a homing spell on her sister, but paused to turn again. “Oh, and Ms. Raven? Please send a missive to the Lunar Guard’s captain that his troops are to report to corridor C-3 for cleanup duty, compliments of their Lunar Potentate. And have another enhanced coffee sent to my study. Our newest server Melon Seed will know what you mean.”

With a burst of golden light, Celestia materialized about a dozen sizable pastries and hefted them up into the air. Then, with a flash of her magic she was gone. Down the corridor a sound of scrambling hooves and a squeal of glee could be heard, followed by the sound of a few soft splats.

***

Ponyville...

Applejack paid no attention to the bustling sounds of the ponies in the market square as she approached the back door of Sugarcube Corner. Cider Season, now known as the End-of-Harvest Festival, had been a huge success this year, and the aching tension in her shoulders could attest to that fact. The End-of-Harvest Festival brought ponies from all over the region as a last hurrah before the winter months came in. Specialized products from local growers were especially popular and featured, such as the Apple Family's well-acclaimed cider and Golden Harvest’s famous deep fried Carrot & Potato Chips.

The end of the event also marked the unofficial start time for last minute projects before the snows hit: getting drafty walls patched, repairing leaky roofs, purchasing new blankets, and preserving the last of the crops. With the first scheduled snowfall only a few short weeks away, the residents of Ponyville tended to get a little short with one another this time of year.

As for Applejack, today was usually spent cleaning up all of the cider processing equipment back at the Acres. Normally, that was an all day affair, followed by preparing the remainder of the apples—those that didn’t meet Granny’s criteria for cider making—to be boxed and shipped to neighboring towns with the facilities to turn them into applesauce and other apple related products. However, the letter Applejack had gotten in her mailbox yesterday had altered her plans somewhat.

Stopping for a moment, Applejack re-read the letter again, shaking her head at the hoofwriting done in bright-pink crayon.

Dearest and Most Esteemed Applejack,

It is absolutely super-duper urgent that you come to Sugarcube Corner at Ten A.M. tomorrow.

Ponyville stands at a great crossroads, and is in need of your assistance!

An extremely important matter has come up, which must be resolved—to meet the needs of our fair community before another day passes!

Many times in the past we have joined forces, you and I, to battle against the likes of demi-gods of chaos, cutie-mark pilfering ponies, magic-snitchin’ centaurs, and mighty morphin’ power changelers!Now, we face our biggest challenge yet! We must save Ponyville from a dire fate tomorrow before high noon!

Please report to the back door of Sugarcube Corner by ten in the morning.

Be there, or be a square mare, okie dokie lokie?

Until Tomorrow, Pinkie out!

Now, if Applejack were new to all things Pinkie, she would’ve been fussed to find what all the commotion was about so she could respond appropriately if it were actually a matter of national security. But she had known Pinkie for a long enough time to determine whether something was a true emergency or if instead it was Pinkie simply being Pinkie again. Considering the current situation, she was leaning more towards the latter than the former, but when she thought about it, having a day away from the farm would do her some good right about now. She was still a little hot under the collar given what Mac did to the family’s cartwagon last night, and besides, he owed her a favor anyway.

Pushing her Stetson back from her eyes in bewilderment, Applejack re-read one particular section. What in the Tartarus was a mighty morphin’ power changeler? For that matter, why did Pinkie draw a few changelings along the margins of the note, ridiculously dressed up with brightly colored jumpsuits and visored helmets? Wasn’t their current color scheme garish enough?

With a bang, the back door burst open startling Applejack out of her reverie. Pinkie bounced up, garbed in a garishly yellow apron that clashed with her pink color scheme rather effectively. Further adding to her outfit, a chef's toque was perched atop of her poofy mane.

“Applejack! You made it, and with not a moment to spare! Well, no, actually... you wouldn’t even be here unless you really could spare a moment, so... HERE YOU ARE!” With that exclamation, Pinkie hopped up and wrapped her arms around the surprised farm pony.

Stepping back after the energetic hug, Applejack’s eyes flicked to the lettering embroidered across Pinkie’s Apron. “Pinkie’s Apiecalypse…” Making little to no sense of that enigmatic title, Applejack held up the note. “So, what’s this here note about? What do you got that’s such a big deal that it rivals Discord or dealing with the Changeling’s attack on Canterlot?”

Rearing up to fling an arm around Applejack’s withers, Pinkie leaned in conspiratorially. “Well… here is the ‘sitch, Cuz. I was working with Mrs. Cake the other day—well of course I was working with Mrs. Cake, it’s my job after all… And while I was finishing my end of shift cleanup, there they were!

“They? Who's 'they?'"

“Golden Harvest and Mr. Quill!” Pinkie crowed. “Apparently, they were arguing about whether a Pinkie Apple Pie would be as good as an Applejack Apple Pie. Golden said your pie was bound to taste better, the little traitor, but Mr. Quill bless his heart, took my side!”

“He did.” Applejack couldn’t even make her reply sound like a question. At this point she was trying to catch up to what Pinkie was on about.

“He absolutely did!” Pinkie replied. “But can you believe Golden? I mean, obviously Golden grows carrots, so she probably wouldn’t know a good apple pastry if it up and bit her in the flank!”

“Uh huh.” Applejack was beginning to wonder if she could take some of her chores back from Macintosh and get back to doing something productive.

“And seriously!” Pinkie stood up on her hind hooves, spreading her forelegs out wide. “Have you tried what I can dish out? Nopony in this town can bake ‘em as good as the HEAD BAKER of Sugarcube Corner!”

The clanking of dishes coming from the back window of Sugar Cube Corner suddenly stopped before a feminine voice called out. “What was that, dearie?”

Pinkie’s eyes grew wide before her features flipped back to a grin, and she called over her shoulder without breaking eye contact with Applejack. “Nothiiiing!”

Applejack only lifted an eyebrow, giving Pinkie a flat look. She couldn’t possibly be serious. Pinkie went and wrote that ridiculous letter, pulling her away from her chores on the farm, all to settle some… some taste test? All stemming from an argument between two ponies? Preposterous.

“Now hold on there, sugarcube.” Applejack held up a hoof. "I didn’t come all the way from Cider Season clean-up just to get into some kind of hare-brained, ego-driven baking match to see which mare’s got the fancier spatula or the better batter!”

Pinkie squeezed her eyes shut and tilted her head back, letting out a throaty chuckle. Then without warning, she reached out and latched on to one of Applejack’s ears, pulling her head close. Before Applejack could raise her voice to protest she felt Pinkie’s lips tickling the softer fur inside with a whisper.

“Silly AJ!” Pinkie breathed, causing Applejack’s ear to twitch wildly. “It’s not about the spatula OR the batter... it’s about the magically powered mixer!” Applejack attempted to pull away from the sensation of Pinkie’s lips that were tickling the sensitive velvet surface along the inside of her ear, but Pinkie simply followed the motion, remaining attached as if she were some sort of parasitic leach.

“Especially when that mixer is equipped with the extra-shiny bright-red super-puree button!”

Applejack snapped her head to the side, finally breaking the connection before whipping off her Stetson and fanning her flushed cheeks. “Pinkie. I can’t believe you went an’— ”

“ —But that’s not what I am talking about!” Pinkie had sprung back to a more comfortable distance. “As far as you or I know, I’m a MEMBER of the Apple family. So as an Apple family member, PLUS, being the head baker of Sugarcube Corner, my pies should be twice as good as any ol’ pie you can whip out!”

Pinkie leaned forward to whisper again, but Applejack was ready for it this time. “If you accept my challenge, I’ll even let you use the super-puree button!”

Applejack kept the exuberant mare back with a hoof while glaring at her frenetic friend. “First off, you don’t puree pie filling, you sugar-drunk mare! Secondly, I don’t care about some techno-whatsit puree button! If’n this is all some stunt to compare your baking to my Granny’s pie recipe—”

“ —Well, of course it’s a comparison to Granny’s pie recipe. It’s a tasting competition, you silly filly!” Pinkie gave Applejack a significant look, patting the pony’s withers while her tone became increasingly condescending. “I know you like to keep above the fray, AJ, but if you aren’t willing to defend the family name—”

That did it. Applejack’s eyes hardened like flint, and she set her teeth, jaw muscles bunching up under her skin as they clamped down like a vice. This mare had just crossed the line. “Pinkie! You did not just go there—”

“—Oh, but I did, I did!” The Pink mare jubilantly bounced, apparently rather excited for having scored a direct hit. “Ain’t no pie’s gonna best this Pie’s pie!”

“You’re on Ms. Pie. I’ll show you a real Apple family recipe from my heirloom at home, Granny Smith herself!” Applejack spat on her hoof and bumped it to Pinkie’s waiting hoof, grinning fiercely before catching what she just said. “I mean! It is an heirloom recipe, not Granny—Granny’s no heirloom!”

“Great!” Pinkie chirped, grinning ear to ear. For some reason she looked enormously pleased with herself as she winked at the farm pony. “Now we can settle this for sure.”

Pinkie walked backwards towards the back door of Sugar Cube Corner, never breaking eye contact and smiling the whole way, before she finally lifted a back hoof and pushed it open with an ominous creak. “Welcome to Iron Pinkie’s Battlefield!”

Applejack’s pupils shrank to pin-pricks as she surveyed the scene before her. Side by side in the center of the kitchen were two massive food prep counters. On top of each were bags of flour, tubs of shortening, buckets of sugar, cinnamon, measuring cups, and other sundry cooking utensils—all arranged with disturbing symmetry. Each counter was also equipped with apple peeling and slicing appliances, as well as a large dough mixer. At the edge of each counter was a professionally printed placard, labeling each side as belonging to either Team Pink or Team Apple.

Around the boundaries of the kitchen were stacks of crates, all teeming with apples. Each crate was labeled with the unmistakable logo of Sweet Apple Acres, and the crates themselves were surrounded by piles of empty pie tins. Curiously, the mixer on the Team Applecounter had a scrap piece of paper taped to one side, labeling a small red button with a green arrow that read Puree.

“Whoa, Nelly!”

Pronking past the nonplussed mare, Pinkie turned her head and grinned. “I know, right? But your cousin Nelly isn’t here!”

“Now, hold on a second Pinkie—what are we doin,’ feeding the entire Royal Guard? And how’d you acquire all the residuals from Sweet Apple Acres? All this here was set aside for shipping to Fillydelphia!”

“Big Mac found a better buyer!”

“He what now?”

Almost vibrating with excitement, Pinkie trotted to the far wall where the ordering window separated the dining area from the kitchen. It was currently closed off by a large metallic scrolling door which seemed to by muffling the murmuring sound of countless ponies on the other side. Without another word, Pinkie reared up to tap a green button, causing the door to roll upwards and retract into the ceiling.

Somehow, though she knew that with Pinkie nothing should surprise her anymore, Applejack’s eyes popped wide as she surveyed the room. It was at this point that she thought maybe it would be better to fight her way past Cerberus than to proceed with what Pinkie intended.

Diving through the now open aperture, Pinkie landed gracefully on the other side before hopping up on the counter and pulling a microphone out from somewhere. “HEY, EVERYPONY!” A sharp feedback tone sounded, effectively grabbing everypony's attention and quelling all discussion in the room. "Welcome one, welcome all! Welcome to the Sugarcube Corner main event! It’s the First Annual Apple versus Pie TASTE OFF!”

A raucous cheer soared up from the crowd of customers as they hollered and clopped their hooves on the tables and floor of the dining area. Stunned by the thundering noise, Applejack looked around in shock with a dawning realization that she had never seen Sugarcube Corner this crowded before.

“Consarnit, Pinkie!”

This was too much. Baking a couple of apple pies with Pinkie was one thing, even if it was for something as silly as a pissin’ match to see who had the better pie. But the multiple crates of apples? The crowd of ponies? How about no?

Rearing up on her hind hooves, Applejack drew out a length of rope and quickly tied a lariat before twirling it overhead and sending the noose Pinkie's way. As if she were expecting such an event, Pinkie just raised arms and allowed the noose to come to rest just beneath her forelegs before she grabbed a hold of it. Having landed her prey, Applejack gave the lariat a firm tug, pulling the pink earth pony back through the window, and leaving the microphone to fall with a sharp pop.

Cupping her hooves up to her face mid-trajectory, Pinkie called back towards the dining room as she flew. “Back in a jiffy, okie dokie lokie?” Somehow, mid-flight, Pinkie tucked in her hooves and performed a backflip, landing bridal style across Applejack’s forelegs.

Stumbling backwards in surprise, Applejack adjusted to keep her balance while she glared down at the poofy pink weight she was suddenly holding.

“Yeeesss?” Pinkie fluttered her eyelashes at the surprised farm pony.

Mindful of being watched, Applejack lowered her voice into a harsh whisper. “Pinkie! I didn’t come here expectin’ ta bake pies for a small army of hungry ponies! I’ve got other business to do, so you jus’ tell all them folk to git, and… I dunno, send ‘em away with consolation prizes or whatever!”

Pinkies eyes sprang wide open before she shook her head vigorously, her ears faintly flapping with the motion. “We couldn’t do that, AJ! Mayor Mare has now sanctioned this event as an Official Ponyville Function!”

“…Official Ponyville…she… you can't be serious.” Applejack growled. “And did I sign any sort of contract indicating that I agreed to cook for an Official Ponyville Function?” Inwardly, Applejack was relieved. Having been through the paperwork at City Hall with Mayor Mare’s staff many times before, she knew what it took to file for a sales permit to cook and serve ponies in events such as the End-of-Harvest Festival, and she hadn’t signed a thing for this. This was her out!

Pinkie gave a hurt look before rolling her eyes with a huff, sitting up in Applejack’s arms so she could meet her eye to eye. Her voice was low and insistent, and had lost some of its playful tone. “Applejack! Since when am I only about the food?” She tapped Applejacks barrel to emphasize each point. “I Pinkie Swear, this is waaaay bigger than a simple tasting contest… trust me!” She leaned back again with a smile, booping Applejack on the nose and fluttering her eyes again.

That eye flutter… She’s doing all of this on purpose and making a show! But why?

Applejack pressed her lips together as she thought about all of the work that was still waiting for her at the farm. Truth be told, she was still irritated at Big Mac and his fool noggin for busting up the one functioning cart wagon. That thing had been their main way of transporting produce to market since Applebloom and her two best friends had demolished the other one seven years ago. She guessed that there wasn’t any real harm in letting her brother do his penance. Might as well humor Pinkie and give her this fool bake-off.

“Fine.” Applejack smiled back at Pinkie ruefully. “I’ll trust ya for now, Pinkie… right about as far as I can throw ya.” With that, the farm pony planted a rear hoof and hurled Pinkie back through the window. Without skipping a beat, the mare nimbly tucked her hooves in, completing a forward flip with a half twist before sticking the landing. Applejack could have sworn the mare actually winked at her mid-flight, while she was upside down during the flip.

In an instant, the microphone was back in her hoof, and Pinkie was smiling on the counter again. “And now, everypony…”

Pinkie paused for a few seconds, until the lights of Sugarcube Corner went down all of a sudden, followed by all of the blinds snapping shut with a click, throwing the room into darkness. Pinkie whirled around and pointed to Applejack, the farm pony's surprised face lit up suddenly by a brilliant spotlight that had switched on at that very moment, illuminating her in a sharp glare. Applejack's Stetson threw a comically oversized shadow on the kitchen wall behind her. Operating the spotlight, if one were to look carefully, was a grinning Pound Cake. Standing next to him was his sister Pumpkin, who was also grinning as her horn went dark again, having completed her task.

“Iiiiiiiiiits… TIME!” Pinkie drew out her intro before shouting the last word, raising another cheer from the crowd before going on.

“Presenting, in the orange corner, hailing from the Apple clan, weighing in at a solid 445 apples - widely known around these parts as the hardest working pony in Equestria! She has been clocked at bucking a solid 88 apple trees per hour! Her winnings include thirty-eight 1st place ribbons from rodeos around Equestria! She is the always friendly, always hospitable, greatest Element of Honesty to ever live… The apple bucking, rodeo-busting, down-to-earth pony, Applejack!”

Sugarcube Corner’s walls began to shake as a more powerful roar of cheers and shouts erupted, along with a thunderous rumble of clopping hooves. Applejack chuckled weakly in response, rubbing the back of her neck.

A random voice shouted out, “We love you, Applejack!”

The spotlight then swung around to Pinkie, who continued her introductions without missing a beat. “And! In the Pink Corner, tipping the scales at 435 apples, hailing from East of the San Palomino Desert, she's the pinkest of the Pie clan! Capable of whipping out 237 cupcakes decorated with over 18 colors of frosting in under 27 minutes. Also capable of consuming the whole lot in under three! Always keeping a smile on your face and a sugar bomb in your belly, the challenger: for this battle of tastes! This deathmatch of desserts!”

In a fluid motion, Pinkie dove beneath the level of the counter to where only Applejack could see her. With a feeling as if she was catching a glimpse of the magician behind the curtain, Applejack watched as Pinkie nabbed a mass of yellow hanging from behind the cash register and whipped it over her head, donning some sort of flowing cape and a brilliant yellow stretchy hood with a zipper closure in the back. Almost too fast to track, she tucked her hooves into four yellow rubber boots and sprang back onto the counter, the whole exchange taking place in a matter of seconds. Back in the spotlight, Pinkie thrusted a booted hoof in the air.

“Luchando en una Batalla de los Gustos!”

Applejack shook her head in astonishment as she watched Pinkie work in her element. Years of successful party planning and implementation had allowed this mare to polish her skills into a finely honed craft. Pinkie had whipped the crowd in a frenzy, and Applejack couldn’t help but wonder if her own reticence to participate unknowingly drew more suspense into the fray.

And with that, the party mare had brought the room to a climax. Pinkie began pumping her hoof into the air as she continued to spur on the crowd. “Not Duff Goldpony! Not my buddy Valastro! It’s yours truly, the Baker of ALL. FOUR. WALLS. Pinkamena Diane Pieeee!”

The walls of Sugarcube Corner fairly shook with the energy of the gathered ponies. In the midst of the chaos, the front door of Sugarcube Corner vaulted opened allowing additional ponies to enter, looking around in astonishment before finding friends and sitting in some of the last remaining seats at the tables.

After a moment, the lights flicked back on, and Pinkie hopped back down to the floor, still holding her microphone.“Now, everypony take a look at your invitations. On each you will find a hidden message! Just bring your hoof to the upper right corner of the invitation, and double click the little symbol you see there!"

The room gradually grew quieter and quieter as more and more eyes looked up at her in confusion. What did she mean 'double click?' Finally, Pinkie rolled her eyes and then clopped her hooves together a couple of times, giving her next instruction in a flat voice. “—Just bang your hoof on the corner of the card twice.”

The room filled with noise and exclamations as the ponies banged their hooves down on their cards. Gasps and murmurs of surprise were heard as bursts of magic sparks shot up here and there from the enchanted invitations, each card suddenly displaying new information.

“As you can see, participation to vote and qualification for prizes is conditional on bringing at least one additional friend! Besides, Friendship Day is just around the corner, so what better way to celebrate! The prizes will be hidden as ten specially marked bits, hidden somewhere within the pies we are to consume, all redeemable down at Town Hall."

The chatter in the room began to grow more excited as the ponies began to imagine what kinds of prizes would be involved in a contest sponsored by Sugarcube Corner and the Element of Laughter. Applejack only scratched her head. This was getting more and more curious.

“And to the winning team, there's a four hundred bit cash prize, sponsored by the businesses you now see listed on the backs of your invitations! Alright, everypony! Pie tasting begins in exactly sixty minutes, so hurry back fast and bring a friend! See ya soon!”

Pinkie waved happily as all present made a mad dash for the door. The ponies excitedly chattered about who they would bring, and who might have the better pies. Over the din, Cloud Kicker and Thunderlane were seen exchanging bits and bets as they spoke about running odds over the whole scenario.

Within a minute, all had filed out, leaving nothing but upturned chairs and stools, which the Cakes immediately set to standing upright again. The quiet was eerie by comparison to the recent deafening noise, and Pinkie turned around to regard Applejack, smiling as she pulled her wrestling mask off with an audible pop.

Applejack climbed out of the kitchen window as well, momentarily forgetting the door that was right next to it, and sat back on her haunches, studying her friend with pursed lips. “Pinkie… I weren’t too keen on baking for this many ponies, and then after more walked in, I counted forty-seven!”

“I know! Isn’t it great?”

Applejack facehoofed. “Great? That’s forty-seven ponies, and then you go tellin’ them all to bring more! So, we’re gonna have to deal with…” She looked up and tried to complete the calculation, but was too flustered to focus. “Well, we’re gonna have to deal with at least twice times forty seven! What the hay’s the matter with you?”

Re-fastening her apron and perching the chef’s toque back on her head, Pinkie gave Applejack a wink. “Well, technically it is still about forty-seven ponies, just… forty-seven for each of us.”

Well, Applejack didn’t need any fancy mathematics to know that wasn’t right. “And how do you figure that?”

“Well, you and I are supposed to bring a pony too, but in our case, we have to bring in a sous chef. A fellow baker! A Second in Command, Captain!” Pinkie’s gestures became wilder as she got more excited. “One that’s sure to be a ringer! A master confectioner! A baker supreme!”

Applejack stroked her chin. “A baker supreme, eh?”

“And with your baker supreme…” Pinkie held up her hooves, before opening up her arms as if dividing something. “You can just divide that number... by two. You know anypony that could fill that roll AJ?” Pinkie folded her forelegs with a smirk, leaning back against the counter. ‘Cause you are sort of in this thing now, and time’s a wastin…”

Applejack studied her friend for a moment. Her B.S. meter was chiming loudly, but Pinkie never did anything maliciously. Besides, she had performed her very own Pinkie Swear that this was more than a simple baking match. She exhaled loudly. “You’re serious about all this, aren’t ya?”

“Yuh Huh!”

“And as you said, this here is more than jus’ a tasting contest?”

Pinkie tapped her nose with a grin. “Yep yep yeppers!”

Applejack finally smiled, but this smile was one of grim determination. “Well then. You’re on, Ms. Pie. And I know jus’ the pony. And when we come back you’re gonna feel the full force of the tradition and the honor of the Apple Clan…” She leaned forward as her grin became dangerous, lowering her voice into a challenging whisper “And this force is gonna come right down on that poofy little head of yours.”

Applejack stepped back, and spat on her hoof, presenting it to Pinkie with a self-assured grin. The pink party pony gleefully spat on her own and returned the gesture, clopping her hoof to Applejack’s to seal the pact. The deal done, Applejack gave a firm nod and trotted out the door.

To be continued...

Author's Note

I never thought editing could be a fun activity, but editing this chapter was a blast. I hope you guys enjoyed it at least half as much as I enjoyed writing it and editing it. 9/6/18 I did some re-editing... just a little TLC. No substance changes, just flows better.

This ridiculous yarn has three more chapters before it comes to its own stand-alone conclusion, but as I mentioned, these are simultaneous events with the first few chapters of The Amulet of Shades.

More to come! :twilightsmile:

Apple Pie

Everfree Forest

The forest floor muted Twilight’s hoof-clops as she made her way towards Zecora’s hut. However, the predator to her left, who stood a whole head taller, hardly made a sound. Muscular arms swayed back and forth as the creature exuded a casual, confident manner. He knew that his claws, edged as they were with adamantine points, could make quick work of most threats around. Quickly he turned, grinning back at Twilight with his razor sharp teeth.

“I dunno, Spike. I still think you are hiding something.”

The adolescent dragon rolled his eyes before shrugging. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Twilight. For all we know this could be completely normal.”

“And for all we know this is entirely abnormal! I mean, your growth pattern hasn't exactly been linear.”

Reaching overhead, Spike snapped off a dry limb before using it to scratch at a spot between his scaly shoulder blades. “Well, last time I checked, a pony’s growth pattern isn’t linear, either," he reasoned. "I mean, they’re called growth spurts for a reason."

“Hmm…” Twilight lifted an eyebrow as she studied him. “That still doesn’t explain your radically explosive rate—all during the past three months! In fact, if your rate doesn’t slow down soon you'll outgrow the castle's entrance! I can just see the headlines now: Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, had to dismiss her loyal assistant today because his hips go stuck and blocked the castle door!”

"Hips? I think you mean my biceps!"

Twilight snorted.

“I can just see it now!" Spike chortled. "All future tours of the Castle of Friendship are currently postponed until the resident masculine dragon gets his bulky and muscular shoulders unstuck from the castle doors! Starvation diets thus far have proven ineffective. Mares from all around have come to gawk at the sight!."

Twilight lifted an eyebrow and studied Spike for a moment. "Until the medics on the scene determined it wasn't the dragon's shoulders that was the problem. It was the dragon's bloated head!"

Spike pursed his lips but didn't make a reply.

"But that's okay. I can still help you with your resumé. One well mannered but very big-headed dragon applying for work among the other libraries of Equestria. Only libraries with oversized doors need respond."

Now it was Spike's turn to snort. "Okay, okay you got me... Twilight Snarkle."

Twilight ignored that. "But wait, there's a problem! "No sane librarian would permit a fire breathing dragon near their books!”

Suddenly smirking, Spike turned and patted Twilight’s withers condescendingly, taking her off guard. “Well then. That just confirmed something I’ve always wondered about.”

“Oh? And what’s that?”

“...You are no sane librarian.”

“Oh, Hah hah. Fine, then. I'll just install a dungeon below the castle, and leave a door big enough for you down there." They walked on in silence for a moment, before Twilight’s smile began shrink. That last phrase came out a little harsh. Feeling slightly abashed, she looked up to find Spike looking at her anxiously.

“You aren’t still worried that this is a relapse in my dragon greed, are you?” Spike looked down at his feet, as they continued down the path. “Because I swear—this is nothing like that!”

“No, it’s not a relapse of your dragon greed.” Twilight consoled him. "We've already established that, at least."

They walked on for a few more moments in silence, before Twilight looked up again with a smirk. “Spike, the only thing you’re hoarding right now is the fascination from some of the more hormonal mares of Ponyville.”

Watching for his reaction, Twilight’s smile grew as she caught him blushing out of the corner of her eye.

That confirms it. He's actually noticed. And why not? His developing muscular frame give him quite the striking figure…

Spike dropped back down into a quadruped gait, something that he was doing with increasing frequency. “Either way, my growth spurt is probably topping out. Dragon Lord Ember is ten years older than me, and she isn’t much taller than this.”

He had a point there. Dragon Lord Ember wasn’t that much bigger. That being said, her growth rate was nothing compared to what had recently happened to Spike. “Oh? And how is the lovely Dragon Lord Ember doing, by the way? Are you still keeping up with your pen-pal?” Twilight giggled.

“She’s fine.” Spike rolled his eyes at Twilight’s teasing. “She’s been quite busy lately, settling a dragon clan dispute. I tried giving her some advice on some of the best pony approaches in diplomacy, but she replied that such approaches wouldn't be very useful in a clash between dragons." Spike smiled sheepishly. "Go figure. But she is doing well, all things considered. She’s also been a good source of advice for me.”

Twilight’s ears perked up at this and she turned to regard Spike. “Oh? What kind of advice?”

Spike looked chagrined for a moment, before he smoothed his features. “Oh, you know… dragon stuff.”

Hmm. Now he's being evasive. I need to get to the bottom of this and quit putting this off.

Twilight slowed her gait for a tick so she could circle behind him and meet his gaze from the other side. “And, come to think of it, I wrote Ember six weeks ago. Even gave her a sixteen point outline with questions indexed at the bottom regarding my observations of your rapid changes and growth. She never really gave me clear answers on more than half of them.”

Spike’s pupils constricted a little. “You wrote Ember about that? Geez Twilight, give a guy some space!”

“I was just looking for a little help!” Twilight exclaimed in her defense. “It wasn’t anything too personal, was it?” Twilight's ears folded back in consternation. "Was it?"

“No, no… nothing personal,” Spike mumbled.

Twilight had known Spike since he hatched from his egg. She knew his every nuance and inflection, as he was every bit like a little brother to her. Observing him now, combined with earlier instances of acting evasive, could only mean one thing: there was something going on, something that he seemed fully aware of, but yet was trying to keep secret. It was high time she tried a little scientific inquiry. Good thing her next two days were rather free.

***

“Tarnation, Applejack! What’s gotten into you? Why, back in my day we didn’t run off for some silly bake sale at the end of cider season! That cider press is gonna be hell to clean.”

“I told ya, Granny. It’s not a bake sale, and it’s not even a baking contest. This event here is to help Pinkie Pie with something important!" Applejack paused for a second before continuing in a subdued tone. "I jus’ wish I knew exactly what...”

Granny Smith missed the end of what Applejack said, but she glared when she heard about the mastermind of the whole thing. “Pinkie Pie? That mare’s nuttier than a squirrel turd.”

Applejack chuckled. “She’s not that bad, Granny. Anyways, Big Mac promised he would finish up the rest of the chores this afternoon. That was his way of apologizing for busting up the cart-wagon last night”

Granny stood stock-still. “He did what, now? How in Tartarus did he break Betsy Number Two?!”

Checking to see if anypony was within earshot, Applejack leaned in to Granny’s ear. A quick glance over at Shoeshine’s Shop showed that even she planning to participate as she turned her sign from OPEN to CLOSED. “Well, you were probably going to hear this through the grapevine, so I might as well let you know. Last night at Berry Punch’s Tavern, Big Mac was challenged to a wagon pull contest by Stolid Smith.”

Instead of looking upset, Granny’s face lit up with a grin. “The town’s new blacksmith? Now we’re talkin! That there colt is my kind of stallion! Got a good chest on ‘im, and a good strong pair of hips!”

Blinking for a moment, Applejack simply shook her head before continuing. “Anyway, they were both feelin’ kinda spirited after throwing back a few from Berry Punch’s new Fireberry Whiskey Reserve. As the story goes, they started talkin’ real big, all in front of a sizable group of mares eggin’ the both of them on…"

Granny’s eyes gained a calculating look as she watched more ponies converging towards Sugarcube Corner. “Well, good! It’s about time that boy started struttin’ his stuff, especially if it takes a mare for him to do it! And how ‘bout yourself?”

Not sure where this was coming from Applejack raised an eyebrow. “…What about myself?”

Granny gave her a nettled look. “You still haven’t decided to settle down yet. And neither one of you have had any colts or fillies to help at the farm neither!”

“Granny!”

“Well, you haven’t! What about this here Stolid fellow?”

Applejack gave an exasperated sigh, wondering which got off course faster, this conversation or the cart-wagon last night. She took Granny’s foreleg and began to pull her towards the back of the bakery. “Can we get back to the subject? Big Mac has got the chores covered, like I said.”

“Yes well, I’m sure he can handle the outdoor chores, but that boy don't know a thing about getting stuff done around my kitchen. Besides, what about my winterizing?”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Granny, we don’t need to winterize the barn for another two weeks, not until after the family reunion in Appleloosa. We still got the harvest residuals to ship out.”

“Who said anything about the barn? I ain’t talkin’ about the barn, I’m talkin’ about ma hip!”

Finally arriving at the back door of Sugarcube Corner, Granny Smith froze as she spotted the mare emerging from the kitchen, narrowing her eyes in enmity. The earth pony that stepped out had a light cream coat and a two-tone pink and indigo mane. Apparently, Pinkie’s had named Bon Bon as her sous chef, and apparently there was some kind of tension going on between her and Granny.

“Well," Granny glowered, "if it isn’t the confectioner saboteur herself!”

Bon Bon’s brilliant blue eyes flashed in icy recognition, and her earth pony musculature tensed under her pillowy exterior. “Granny Smith. We meet again.”

The back door was flung open again, ejecting an energetic and bouncing mare of pink poof. Pinkie landed between Granny and Bon Bon, and held out an apron to each, grinning ear to ear. Bon Bon’s apron matched Pinkie's perfectly, while the apron in Pinkie’s right hoof turned out to be two, both a bright apple-red apple color and obviously intended for Applejack and Granny.

Applejack took hers and shook it out, reading some impressive embroidery across the front.

Pinkie’s Apiecalypse.

In smaller letters underneath were the words TEAM APPLE in bold print.

“Great, you’ve all made it!” Pinkie crowed. “Go ahead and put these on and we'll get this party started!”

Granny and Bon Bon didn’t move. In fact, in the immediate vicinity the temperature seemed to be dropping by a few degrees. Applejack looked from Granny to Bon Bon, growing anxious as the mares seemed like they were about to launch themselves into a blood feud. If her body language was anything to go by, this is how Granny used to act when talking about Grand Pear.

Applejack finally glanced up at Pinkie. “Uh. Do ya know anything about this, Pinkie?”

Pinkie opened her mouth to reply, but Granny spoke up first, pointing a wobbling hoof up at her nemesis. “Well, this candy-makin’ menace done tainted my pies during the Runnin’ of the Leaves festival three weeks ago! I had no sooner set up my stand when she— ”

“ —What?!” Bon Bon huffed. The candy maker glared back at Granny, shaking her hoof in the elderly mare's face. “My candy stand was in full production before you arrived, just downwind of me, I might add! And when my caramel—”

“ —You’re darned right it was your caramel! Your careless handling of that boiler—”

“ —That’s enough, the both of you!” Applejack interjected. “Granny, I’m sure your pies were edible, even if they were wind-spritzed with caramel. As I recall, you sold out that day!”

Granny muttered something else under her breath, something about mares, candy, and a donkey for some reason.

“Look,” Applejack continued. “Since we’re here now, can we jus’ get past this business and get to makin’ pies?”

Pinkie nodded her head in a blur. “Yep! For today, your business is nothing BUT pies! Let’s get bakin’! Ponyville’s a-waitin’!” She started pushing Bon Bon from behind towards the back door of the bakery again.

Bon Bon looked back over her shoulder at the elderly mare. “To take down Miss Matriarch Apple? It’ll be my pleasure.” With that, Bon Bon stopped resisting and nosed her way back into the kitchen. Pinkie Pie followed, but she had no sooner passed inside before her head popped back out again, leaving Applejack with a wink.

Shaking her head, Applejack turned her head to look back down at Granny who was smirking back at her. “You okay, Granny?

"Okay? I'm fitter than a fiddle! You handled that altercation jus' swell, Jackie! That'll do ya some good when you finally get around to making me some grandfoals!”

“What.”

“I’m only saying: you showed some pretty good mothering instincts there, Jackie!”

Flicking her tail in annoyance, Applejack let out a weary sigh. How was she already feeling tired when she hadn't even peeled an apple yet? “Let’s just get in there and make some pies, Granny. C’mon.”

“Yer darn tootin’! Let’s show ‘em how we get it done on the farm!”

***

The kitchen was just as she remembered it, intimidating as all get out with its well-stocked glory. Only now there were two chef’s toques, perched at the head of each table. Applejack heaved a sigh while she replaced her trusted Stetson with one of the toques. If the sounds outside the service window were any indication, the dining room sounded like there was standing room only.

With a mechanical whir, the scrolling door retracted upwards again as Pinkie wriggled with glee, her hoof on the button. Little by little, a kaleidoscope of colorful ponies was revealed as many sets of eyes looked over, drawn by the movement. As soon as it was open, Pinkie leapt through the window onto the counter, nearly kicking the register with her back hoof. Bewildered, Applejack scratched at her mane. Why didn’t she just use the Tartarus-darned door?

Pinkie tapped the microphone a few times to get the room’s attention, which seemed unnecessary, given her unique entrance. “Okay, everypony. We've got the bakers! We've got the apples! We've got the Apples! Now that we are set, first pies are up in forty-five minutes!”

Pinkie’s announcement seemed to cue up a music set from DJ Pone-3, as Vinyl Scratch had apparently set up her system off in the corner of the room. The ponies all cheered as festivities were launched into full swing.

Applejack leaned further and further out of the window as she panned her head from side to side, taking in more details. Banners were hanging everywhere, professionally printed with colorful logos representing either Team Pinkie or Team Apple. Further inspection showed numerous sponsors printed beneath the main lettering, including brand names advertising products such as Sparkle Cola and the new energy drink, Hydra.

All of the tables were decorated in tablecloths of either pink or light orange, and balloons and signs were everywhere. Pinkie’s Party Planning Agency, now a national brand, had obviously set up and catered the event, and had tapped many of its connections to do so. It was all very impressive.

Applejack shook herself from her thoughts as Thunderlane swooped down with a notepad and pencil. “Okay, everypony!” His deep voice boomed out. “Cloud Kicker and I have established the line, and we’ve got 3:2 odds for Team Pink winning the vote! Place your bets, everypony! Place your bets!”

Before he finished speaking, Cloud Kicker had started sweeping around the room, responding to various hooves that popped up to log their bets. Before long, she paused in her writing to growl something out to Thunderlane, her pencil still firmly clenched in her teeth.

“Hey Thndrhd!” Cloud Kicker sit her pencil back out. “Get your flank to the other side of the room and help me!

Pinkie didn’t miss a beat as she watched the two work the room. Before long, she turned a manic smile back towards the kitchen. "Let's DO THIS!"

***

Applejack was bouncing back and forth between two appliances, going from peeling apples to slicing them in a flash that would impress even Rainbow. The only problem was that Granny was situated between the peeler and the slicer, and she wasn't about to ask the mare to move. Nopony could make a flakier crust than Granny, but since she had chosen the exact middle of the work table to roll out her pastry dough, Applejack work around her as best as she could.

“Keep ‘em coming, Granny!” Applejack hollered, swapping yet another peeled apple with a fresh one. All things considered, she had a good system going. Applejack would knock a peeled apple off into the basin and pop a new one on while the tines of the peeler were still spinning, repeating the process until about thirty apples were denuded. Then, with the basin held in the crook of her foreleg, she would whirl to Granny's other side and slap the slicer on over her wrist, pounding her hoof up and down like a pile driver. Once that was done, she had enough fruit prepared to fill four pie shells after being tossed with sugar, cinnamon, lemon juice, and butter.

Allowing her attention to wander for a moment, Applejack gawked at Pinkie and Bon Bon as they worked. Pinkie displayed uncanny efficiency, never wasting a movement, never missing a moment. All four of her hooves displayed a fantastic economy of movement, as she used her rear hooves to drag apple crates near before kicking them away the next moment, or using the same hooves to reach back into drawers and retrieve utensils without even looking. The rate at which she was churning out dough was stunning.

Bon Bon didn’t use her tail or her rear hooves, but what she lacked in dexterity she made up for in strategy, kitchen expertise, and speed. Her earth pony muscles twitched with exquisite control as she deftly maneuvered fruit, spices, and bowls, all seeming to move on their own in a perfect assembly line. Taking quick stock of her own team’s output, Applejack redoubled her efforts. Granny wasn’t likely to keep with Pinkie’s frenetic pace, but she couldn’t do a whole lot about that at the moment, putting her head down to push her own speed to the max.

Finally, breathing out a sigh of relief, Applejack affixed the last pie with a pie-shell top, only to find that Pinkie and Bon Bon had already closed their oven door and were giving each other a high-hoofing. Applejack grumbled as she slammed the last of the first twelve pies into the oven. How Pinkie rope her into this again?

Once the door slammed shut, Granny trotted up to Bon Bon, meeting her snout to snout. “That’s right! Yer gonna have to get up earlier than that if you want to come out on top against the Apples!"

"Uh, Granny, they finished their first batch before us."

Pretending that she didn't hear, Granny continued. "But where you're really gonna fall short is on taste! Whether or not you really do have a degree from the Culinary Institute of Canterlot, which I doubt!”

Bon Bon looked down her nose at Granny before pushing the mare back with a hoof. “Why don't you back up just a step? No one gets up earlier than the Candymare,” she retorted. “Because I know the truth. Colts and fillies don’t really want your apples unless they’re covered in my sweet caramel.” Bon Bon’s smile grew wide and menacing. “This mare gets up early enough to defeat your saggy crusted crepe.”

“Crepe?” Granny screeched. “Insult my pie in Prench? I’ll give you saggy crusted, you no good, bouncy-flanked floozy!”

Before Pinkie or Applejack could step in between the two mares, that back door to the kitchen sprang open again, this time permitting a bright orange pegasus to pop in, tossing her fuschia-colored mane.

“Hiya, Pinkie! ...Applejack? What are you—Bon Bon and Granny Smith? Wha-what are all of you doing in here?” Scootaloo looked from mare to mare in surprise, apparently unaware of the pie contest.

“Hey Scootaloo!” Pinkie beamed. “Are you here to cast your vote in the 1st Annual Ponyville Apiecalypse?”

“A pie called what now?" Scootaloo shook off her confused expression before continuing. "Uh, no. I was just wondering if any of you have seen—”

“ —Who, Rainbow Dash?” Applejack grinned as she dabbed her forehead with a towel, sizing up the younger mare.

Scootaloo pouted.. “Hey! Just because I’m asking for somepony, doesn’t mean I’m lookin’ for Rainbow Dash!” She continued scowling for a few moments, before giving up the facade. “So, yeah... do ya know where she is or not?”

Applejack set down her towel and walked up while Granny set about preparing the table for the next batch. “Listen, I don’t know where that speedster is, but I do need a favor from ya.” Applejack brought Scootaloo under a muscular foreleg, pulling her against her side. “Could ya find Applebloom real quick for me?”

“Uh, yeah, we just arrived and were looking to see what all the commotion was about. I left her hanging around the front entrance.”

“Well, run and get her for a minute. Just tell her that big sis says this is a matter of defending our family honor…”

“So, you all are making pies for a contest? What’s the prize for the winner?”

Applejack held Scootaloo at arm’s length for a second. “No time for questions! Just get Applebloom, so she can help us against Team Pink over there.” Applejack pointed a hoof at Bon Bon and Pinkie who were busy getting their table ready as well.

Smirking, Scootaloo gave a little hop. “So it IS a pie contest! That’s cool, anything I can do to help? I’m up for anything!”

Trying her best to not allow her element of honesty to get in the way, Applejack struggled to keep a straight face. “Well, this here team’s called Team Apple, and we uh… really just need another Apple on it. But maybe you could… uh, Pinkie? Help me out here.”

Pinkie looked up, chiming in without skipping a beat. “Hiya, Scoots! Why don’t you and Sweetie Belle help Pumpkin and Pound Cake serve the pie to all of our taste testers! They’re going to need help handling the numbers out there." She finished in a sing-song voice. "Servers also get to help themselves to all of the left-over pie…”

“Sounds good Pinkie! I’ll be right back!” Scootaloo turned on her hoof and began to speed back out the door. Applejack trotted forward, leaning her head out the door and calling after her. “Hustle up now. Remember, family honor!”

Closing the door and joining Granny at Team Apple’s table, Applejack shot Pinkie Pie and Bon Bon an apologetic look. “You don’t mind none, do ya sugarcube? Granny and I don’t seem to know our away around your kitchen as well as you do.”

“Don’t talk nonsense, Jackie.” Granny looked up, patting her granddaughter’s shoulder. “Truth of the matter is I’m about thirty years past my prime, an’ I just can’t move as fast as I used to.”

Pinkie waved off their concerns. “Nah, that’s fine! I won’t penalize ya for adding Applebloom to your team. “Buuuut…”

“But what?” Applejack asked nervously.

Pinkie turned around with a transparent baggie held up with one hoof. “You're not allowed to add anypony else without a penalty!"

“Uh, what are those?”

“Ghost peppers!”

***

Zecora’s enchanted tree-like hut came into view as Twilight and Spike rounded the corner. Smoke was floating up from an outlet near the top of her hut, and Spike smiled in nostalgia. It had been months since he had last visited here. While the aesthetic was vastly different, and on a much smaller scale, it still triggered memories of the old Golden Oaks Library where they used to live.

Spike knocked on the front door a few times, and after a brief moment, a familiar voice rang out from inside. “Welcome my guests, don’t wait ‘til you’re blue. Just open the door ‘cause I can’t leave my brew!”

Spike and Twilight both smirked as they listened to Zecora’s peculiar habit of speaking in rhyme. Twilight’s magic pushed open the door allowing them to take in the familiar view of lit candles, colorful hanging vials, and floor-to-ceiling shelves stocked full of jars, containers, and books.

At the moment, Zecora was precariously perched at the edge of her caldron with a hoof upturned in front of her face. After her eyes tracked to her visitors and lit up in recognition, Zecora focused on the caldron again. With a short breath, she blew some sparkling dust from her hoof into the bubbling brew below. Once the dust made contact, the potion began to roil with golden arcs of energy.

After watching the process for a few more seconds, Zecora nodded in satisfaction before turning to give a warm smile to her visitors. “Princess Twilight, I know you well. But what of your assistant? Hexed by a growth spell?”

Twilight grinned as she glanced at Spike before turning back to the Shaman. “Not as far as I can tell, Zecora. We just have a healthy and growing dragon on our hooves.” She nudged her assistant, poking him in the ribs. “Right Spike?”

Smiling sheepishly, Spike scratched the back of his neck with a claw. “ Uh, yeah… Healthy!”

Zecora took a few measured steps forward, studying Spike the entire way. She cocked her head to the side, one hoop earring brushing her shoulder as she studied his physique before meeting his gaze again with an appraising eye. Spike swallowed, not exactly comfortable under the scrutiny of the shrewd Zebra.

“Healthy and growing - so you say. But might some other power hold sway?” Zecora circled around behind Spike, her steps somehow taking a precise rhythm with the cadence of her speech as passed to his other side.

“Some other method, or something new?” Zecora intoned, now meeting his gaze again from the other side. “Another reason for speed that he grew?”

Spike fought to keep up his stoic façade, but internally his fires were starting to churn. It was like Zecora had already caught on to his secret. His mind raced so that he might put her off the scent. They would all know his harmless gambit in due time, but he didn’t want the truth to come out just yet. Specifically, he wasn’t ready to hold that particular conversation with Twilight just yet.

Puffing out his chest and folding his muscular arms, he decided to go with what had been working thus far—operation obfuscation. So far he had been able to take advantage of a general lack of information on dragons. It was Dragon Lord Ember that had told him what he needed to know.

“Well, I am a dragon after all.” Spike maintained, opening a palm and holding it out in a plaintive gesture. “Dragons don’t stay small forever, it’s just one of those inevitable things, right?”

“Hmm.” Zecora gave Spike another moment to sweat before she gave him a quick wink and turned towards Twilight again. “And so, young Princess, this is the reason you came out to see me so late this fall season?”

Twilight gave a slight cringe before removing her coat, her ears folding back in chagrin. “Actually, we are visiting because of me.” She turned slightly so that Zecora could see her back half and the singed remains of her once beautiful tail. “Let’s just say I was standing too close to a furnace while I was distracted… and that furnace suddenly sneezed.”

Spike held up a finger in his defense. “Only because it tickled my nose while I was asleep!”

“Yes, Spike.” Twilight sighed, before continuing her story. “I accidentally grazed his nose with my tail while I was stretching out after a long night of study. Bottom line, my tail wound up teleported to Canterlot, just in time to garnish Princess Celestia’s breakfast.”

Zecora could only blink for a moment, before trying and failing to stifle her laugh. “So you… then he…and then she...”

Zecora continued to chortle for a few more moments before wiping her left eye with a hoof. Twilight only stared straight ahead, her expression stoic like the Captain of her Guard, Ms. Berrytwist.

Turning around, Zecora trotted over to the shelves in the back of her hut where she kept some of her more popular brews, which she now sold to the residents of Ponyville for a nice profit. She nosed around on her cosmetics shelf until she snatched a small blue bottle, turning around with a smile and holding the bottle up as she spoke.

“For you, my Princess, you may require a brew to replace what was lost to the fire.” She walked back to Twilight, holding the bottle out so that Twilight could see the silver label with blue lettering. “For twenty-five bits, you’ll have nopony to blame. Your tail will grow back with this dose of Roam-mane.”

Spike scoffed, looking at Zecora’s proffered bottle dubiously. “Romaine, huh? Sounds more like a vegetable. Why don’t you call it Re-Mane? You know, ‘cause it regrows a pony’s mane?”

Zecora glared as she pulled the bottle back, stroking it’s cap in a loving manner.

Twilight got between the two and cleared her throat to get the topic back on track. “That would be great, Zecora. I’ll take it. Just bill me at my address. Now, are there any special instructions or interactions I should avoid?”

Zecora passed the bottle over to Twilight’s magical aura. “There on the bottle the instructions you’ll find. And also some warnings, to these you should mind! Add some mane clippings, and mix them in well. And you’ll soon see a potion work better than your spell.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, but she brought the unassuming bottle closer, reading through the warnings. “Thank you, Zecora. I’ll just follow your instructions, then.”

Spike rolled his eyes as he watched her put her coat back on, threading her wings through the wing slits. He was glad his dragon physiology made the uses of winter coats almost completely unnecessary. “Yeah, just like you followed the instructions and burned the water while trying your hoof at spaghetti, eh Twi?

Twilight’s ears turned down as she made to reply through her teeth. “Spike? I thought we agreed to never mention the noodle incident again…” She began to not so subtly nudge him towards the door as he held up his claws trying to stave off her horn.

“Heh, I never agreed to that. It was totally hilarious!”

Twilight finally succeeded in bodily moving him through the now open door, but he spun around her really quick and continued his story for the bemused Zecora, poking his head back in. “You should’ve been there, Zecora! Poor Daisy was peeling half-cooked noodle paste off of her back windows for a couple of hours! I didn’t even know pasta could fly that far!”

Twilight used her magic to lift her assistant that was being more of a royal pain than a loyal friend and deposited him to the side before turning to give Zecora some final words. “Magic is a perfectly appropriate shortcut to bring water to boiling.” Twilight turned to regard the dragon behind the door, thrusting her nose upwards in a perfect impression of some of the Canterlot elite. “It’s just that one needs to calibrate the magic properly.”

Spike popped his head back through the door, this time pushing through under Twilight’s upturned chin and between her neck and the doorjamb. “I guess somepony was too hungry to calibrate! Anyway, thanks a bunch, Zecora!” He waved before ducking back out of the doorway again, causing the the Zebra to shake her head at the juvenile antics of the both of them.

“Stay out of trouble, and I’ll send you the bill. And give my regards to all Ponyville.” She could still hear the young alicorn and her mischievous assistant as they continued down the path,bantering about the appropriateness and ethical use of magic for all things mundane.

***

The votes had been collected, and all of the bets had been secured as the hour wound down to the big announcement. It was just past lunch, that turned out to consist mostly of pie as most ponies had decided to push back whatever other projects and errands they had for that day in lieu of hearing the results of the vote. At precisely 1 PM, Vinyl drew her set to a close and sat back, making eye contact with Mrs. Cake and giving her a nod.

Mrs. Cake hurried over and thanked the DJ for the microphone before turning to address the excited crowd. “Okay Dearies, now simmer down!” Mrs. Cake suddenly looked embarrassed as all eyes in the room suddenly focused on her. Her light blue complexion colored a bit as she cleared her throat. “Now, I know you all need to get back to your Saturday errands and chores, so it’s time to announce the results! Has everypony voted?”

A series of cheers went up indicating the affirmative, so Mrs. Cake went on. “Okay, then! Mr. Cake and I have been in the back, and we unlocked the bottom drawer of the ballot box—”

“ — Is that the only drawer you unlocked? What else was going on in the back?” Cloud Kicker called out, much to everypony’s amusement.

Mrs. Cake batted at an earring, her face coloring a little bit more before she cleared her throat loudly and resumed. “All of the counting was done in the presence of witnesses, including Pumpkin Cake, Pound Cake, and Mayor Mare. All we are waiting is for Mr. Cake—oh, there he is now.”

Mr. Cake was walking up from the back room with two cards in a hoof, but his face was drawn tight with anxiety. At the same time, the two baking teams emerged from the kitchen to observe from behind the food service counter, all nervously shuffling their hooves except for Pinkie, who was doing a quick inventory of several stacks of uneaten pies, rubbing her chin with a hoof.

“What is it, Pinkie?” Applejack whispered. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Only…” She rubbed at her mane vigorously with a hoof. “There are so many pies left! I must’ve done my math wrong, but I could’ve sworn I used the Jordan measure correctly, so my Reimann Integral calculations should’ve been spot on.”

Mr. Cake was urgently whispering in Mrs. Cake’s ear, and as he continued to whisper and gesticulate, the crowd began to grow a little restless. Mrs. Cake’s expression began to morph from skeptical to fearful, but her head was turned so that only Applejack and her fellow bakers could see it.

While Mrs. Cake was whispering her reply yet again, Pinkie bounded up and snatched the two ballot tallies from Mr. Cake’s hoof. With another bound, she had snatched the microphone from his wife.

Applejack glanced from Pinkie over to Granny, only to notice that she and Bon Bon were glaring at each other again.

In another second, Pinkie was standing on the counter again, holding a bright pink envelope and a light orange envelope over her head and waving them around in excitement. She didn’t notice Mr. and Mrs. Cake desperately trying to flag her down.

“Okie Dokie Lokie, everypony!” Pinkie began to pace back and forth on the counter, comically missing that the Cakes were right on her heels from the floor. “The ballots are in, and the votes have been counted. It is time to finally announce the Ponyville Pie Champion! Time to indicate the winner of 400 bits! Now we crown the best baker of Ponyville! Official bragging rights for the ages! Alicorn status for the future! And heir to all of Equestria!”

Mr. Cake face-hoofed while Mrs. Cake was trying to call out to get Pinkie’s attention, but without the microphone, her voice was drowned out in Pinkie’s monologue. Holding a light orange card overhead, an exact match for Applejack’s coat, Pinkie waved it around frantically.

“The final tally for Team Apple comprising of Applejack, Granny Smith, and Applebloom over there…” Pinkie ripped the top off of the envelope and pulled out the card. “Team Apple has a final tally of… one hundred and twenty-eight votes. Way to go, Apples!”

The announcement was followed by a deafening cheer, both inside the dining room and now coming from ponies standing around outside of the building, having drawn attention from more ponies than could possibly fit inside.

Mr. Cake added a second hoof to his face and ducked his head, stalking back towards the back room again. Meanwhile, while Mrs. Cake stood transfixed, both hooves in front of her mouth. Pinkie only beamed, pumping her hoof repeatedly in an effort to excite the crowd and draw out more cheers.

Finally, Pinkie lowered her hoof and held up the pink card with a grin, eliciting another cheer before the ponies finally quieted down to a hushed murmur.

Giggling again, Pinkie lowered her voice into a whisper. “If you haven’t figured it out, all of Team Apple’s pies were served on the yellow paper plates! Like her mane!” That brought a mixed cry of dismay from some and cries of recognition or elation from others.

Pinkie plowed on ahead, this time not letting the room quiet down all the way. “And now for Team Pink!” She lowered the pink card from overhead, ripping it open. Mrs. Cake was trying to clear her throat to get Pinkie’s attention, but either Pinkie didn't hear or she didn't care.

“The final tally for Team Pink—pies that were served on the reddish pink plates…” Pinkie paused to poof her mane out a little. “...is one hundred and twenty-EIGHT votes! Hah-ha! Huh?”

The room erupted at first into a roar, but then the sound broke into uneven chaos as ponies started shouting exclamations and calling for clarifications and for the rules on tiebreakers. Several ponies then went straight for Thunderlane, who immediately took to the air, waving his hooves and trying to allay fears and answer questions of the ponies who had made wagers.

“Now hold on, everypony!” Pinkie’s call through the mic was answered by a feedback squeal from Vinyl’s sound system until she leaned forward to turn down a dial, giving an embarrassed grin. The noise effectively brought everypony’s attention back to Pinkie, leaving the room was silent with an tense anticipation. All ears stood ramrod straight as they waited for what Pinkie would say next. “Eh heh, it sounds like we are going to have a tie-breaker round. And… well, look at all of those UNEATEN PIES!”

“Wait a minute!” Cloud Kicker shouted, springing out of her seat and flapping over to the counter Pinkie was perched on. Pinkie’s eyebrows shot up, but she passed the microphone over to the current head of the Ponyville weather team.

“Ahem.” Cloud Kicker cleared her throat, making sure all eyes were on her before she fixed her mane a bit. “Now. A tiebreaker round is only good if we can get more ponies in here to vote. But if ponies go out and recruit their friends, especially ponies that have already made a WAGER, what is to stop them from tipping them off? They could potentially stack the vote!”

Thunderlane flew up to join her, wresting the microphone from her hooves. “That’s right! And now everypony knows that the yellow plates were for Team Apple, and the other plates were for Team Pink! Someone needs to get plates of another color!”

As Thunderlane was propelling himself further and further above Cloud Kicker’s head, she simply tugged the cord of the mic straight down, catching it in her hooves nonchalantly. “Hey doofus! That will take too long, and there may be other ways ponies could use to tip off the vote! Let’s just blindfold mayor mare and have her cast the final vote!”

Raindrops flew up, getting in Cloud Kicker’s face. “You mean the Mayor Mare that is sitting right over there? She already voted!” Raindrops pointed to the mare in question, who was sitting in the corner and nibbling on another piece of pie.

More voices began to call out ideas or suggestions, and the room steadily grew more chaotic, until Granny cliimbed up on the counter and yanked the microphone down by the cord, popping it out of Cloud Kicker's hooves.

“We don’t need no highfalutin’ tie-breaking vote!” The shrillness of Granny’s voice brought the room’s attention over to her. She pointed an accusing hoof at Bon Bon. “What we need is to penalize Bon Bon and her team here by five votes! Back when we was a-cookin’, Bon Bon here propelled some flour right up my nose! I couldn’t help but sneeze it all out and the mess ruined a whole batch of pie filling!”

Inexplicably, the sound of a record scratch squawked out of Vinyl’s speakers, but beyond that, the entire gathering became deathly still. Regardless of coat color, many in attendance began to look distinctly green. Thunderlane and Cloudchaser both landed with a thud, while Lilly stood up and shouted, “The horror! The horror!” before fainting and falling across a stricken Roseluck’s lap.

Granny waved her hoof overhead frantically to get everypony’s attention again. “No, no, no! The penalty should apply only ‘cause I had to throw that batch out! Straight into the waste bin, I tell ya! Then I had to sanitize my workstation!” This news was greeted by a collective sigh of relief.

With a bounce, Bon Bon suddenly jumped up on the counter, deftly snatching the mic away from Granny. “That’s only because she started it! Don’t mistake this old mare for a saint! She smeared some shortening across my rear hoof when I wasn’t looking, and when I took my next step I slipped and landed right on my earth pony cushion!” She tapped her rump with a hoof. “Fell right into the sugar bin and covering my sweet flanks in something sweeter!” She wiggled her well-rounded hips for emphasis, sharpening the attention of not a few ponies. “She should be the one penalized by ten votes for almost making me break my hip!”

“Ten vote penalty? How about I break a pie on your face?” At this point, Applejack grabbed a hold of Granny and brought her back down behind the counter.

“Hah! That’s about all your pies are good for!" Bon Bon pointed a hoof down imperiously. "They’re only fit to be projectiles, unless they have a little of my caramel topping!”

Amazingly, Granny began hopping in place, her little head bobbing up and down from behind the counter. “Lemme go, Jackie! I need a pie!”

Nopony knew who threw the first shot. There are legends to this day of how it all began. Some claim it was Lyra who had telekinetically positioned a pie to foil Granny, before she could launch her first volley. Others say that Granny’s throw flew first, but went wide and hit Mayor Mare instead, upsetting her entourage.

Suffice to say, the great Ponyville Pie War had begun.

Author's Note

The stage is set... who will win?

No points on guessing what the secret ingredient is...

As always, comments are welcome.

Rarity Evens the Score

Everfree Forest - near Ponyville

“So, lemme get this straight, Rares—you invited me into your boutique for some tea,” Rainbow held up her hooves doing air quotes while rolling her eyes. “And then, when I finally come clean and bare my soul to you in order to get some advice, you tried to tie me down so you could interrogate me with a bunch of embarrassing questions!”

Rainbow’s eyes flicked over to Twilight before she resumed her glare at the fashionista. Given the subject matter, and the brightening flush on her cheeks, it was obvious that she didn’t want the details of this situation broadcast beyond the ears of those present.

“And then, when I made my daring escape out one of the upper windows of your showroom, you pulled some kind of weird Pinkie Pie uber tracking ability and harried me all over Ponyville!” Rainbow gesticulated over her head with her hooves. “All the while crowing about not hiding my feelings about true love… And this whole thing was some sort of elaborate prank?”

Rarity had removed her sunhat, and was languidly fanning herself with it in her magic while listening to Rainbow’s rant. Once the peeved pegasus finished her tirade, Rarity only raised an eyebrow while giving a coy one syllable reply. “Yes?”

Twilight shook her head as she followed behind Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Spike was wisely staying out of the situation for the moment. Despite Twilight’s alicorn strength, her shoulder was still tingling from the high speed impact she took from Rainbow when the pegasus came out of nowhere rounding a bend of the trail up ahead. She had been planning on making a beeline back to her castle so she could activate Zecora’s potion in the privacy of her own room. Instead, that beeline got flipped into a clothesline as the little blue missile failed to change directions quickly enough, using her as a purple pony princess padding.

Now that they had disentangled themselves and were walking back to town, Rarity was holding her head high in self-satisfaction, while Rainbow Dash was demanding arbitration. To Rainbow’s relief, nopony was recounting her last words before the fateful crash: Help me! She just won’t stah hah hah hahp!

Less than enthused by Rarity’s monosyllabic reply, Rainbow turned her plaintive gaze back to Twilight as she hovered, gesturing with both forelegs back at Rarity as if to say: Do you see what I have to put up with?! Twilight did note however, while she rubbed her shoulder absentmindedly, that her fashionista friend was watching her out of the corner of her eye.

“Wow, Rarity.” Twilight finally spoke up. “You seriously did all that just to prank Rainbow?” Twilight watched as Rarities smile widened just a tad. “I gotta say that I’m a little impressed. Also, a teensy bit frightened.”

“Frightened?” Rainbow snapped. “I wasn’t frightened! I was betrayed! I— “

“ —So, instead of crashing into the local alicorn’s castle and breaking another window, you crash into the alicorn’s body nearly breaking her humerus…”

“It's not funny, Twi! None of this is! How would you feel if you laid bare your deepest personal secrets, only to be lampooned in front of Ponyville!”

Rarity gasped in response. “I did no such thing, Rainbow dear! Sure, I razzed you a bit in the privacy of my boutique, but I would never be so uncouth as to broadcast your feelings all over town!”

“You were clamoring for me not to deny my feelings! Time Turner was standing right there!”

“Yes, but I never said anything as far as what your feelings were about,” Rarity affirmed. “Only that you shouldn’t hide them. Besides, Mr. Turner didn’t want you playing around inside his boiler.”

“I was trying to hide! Better bumming in a boiler than being betrayed by a buddy!”

“For the last time it was not a betrayal.” Rarity stopped walking and turned to face her accuser. Her eyes narrowed as she leaned into the shorter pegasus.

“With the number of pranks you’ve pulled on me over the years Rainbow Dash, be glad I didn’t push this one further!” She hissed. “I think I showed considerable restraint, all things considered!”

Rainbow bristled as she sprang to the air again. “Not when it comes to somepony’s feelings!” She turned to look at Twilight again, trying to emphasize her case. “C’mon, Twi don’t you see my point? Don’t you agree that Rarity went too far?”

Twilight looked back and forth between the agitated wonderbolt captain and her favorite fashionista friend. She hated being put on the spot like this, with Rainbow urging her to choose between the feelings of two of her closest friends. She didn’t want to side with one against the other, so she would need to handle this delicately. She looked back over to Spike, but her assistant’s subtly shook his head as if to say: What are you looking at me for? This is something between mares. I’m not touching this with a ten foot pole!

Taking a deep breath so she could clear her mind a little, Twilight sat back on her haunches. Rainbow stopped flapping and came to a rest as well, side by side with Rarity and gazing back at Twilight expectantly. Obviously, she was hoping the judge was going to rule in her favor. Twilight took her seat as well, facing them. “Okay, Rainbow. Before I give my answer to that question, why don’t you tell me in detail exactly what happened?

* * *

Ponyville, earlier that morning, front of the Carousel Boutique

Rainbow Dash sighed as she glared at the ominous door that stood proudly before her. The obnoxious color of the thing insulted her to her face… with periwinkle.

Seriously. Like, who paints their front door periwinkle?! It’s like the color couldn’t decide whether to be blue or lavender, so it just sort of said ‘buck this’ and took a nosedive in between, laming it out forever.

On further reflection, why the hay did she even know to call that color periwinkle in the first place? None of the other Wonderbolts would know what periwinkle was.

What a stupid name for a color! Of all the uncool color names out there, the only one more uncool than periwinkle is chartreuse. Or maybe smaragdine. Yep, smaragdine was definitely an awful name for a color. Wait, why was she even thinking about this, anyway? Pondering on the color of a door was more Rarity’s shtick, not hers.

Rainbow smirked. While Rarity and her didn’t see eye to eye on a number of topics and priorities, they were still… well, friends didn’t even begin to describe how strong their bond was. Sure, she didn’t get all of the fru fru fashion that Rares was obsessed by, but as a professional athlete, she did understand hard work and effort. Rarity displayed those qualities in spades. Oh, and of course, there was also the whole saving Equestria thing they had seemed to make a habit out of doing together. All in all, Rarity really was awesome, just in a different way.

That being said, was she the pony she should bring this matter to? Rarity seemed more informed on sappy and emotional stuff—at least she acted like it—but what would be the potential fallout? What if rumors got out that the Rainbow Dash was actually all sappy and gooey at heart? What would all of her fans think? Rainbow suppressed a small shudder. She fancied herself a risk taker—Tartarus, it was essentially part of her job description, but this?

A sparrow flew past while Rainbow remained rooted to the spot, still staring at the stupid door. She died a little bit on the inside, knowing that she probably looked ridiculous, waiting with her hoof in the air to knock.

C’mon, Rainbow. This is stupid. Just knock! Go…

Hit it!

Hit the darned… pathetic…

Periwinkle door!

Rainbow lifted a hoof to knock, only to freeze again, a hair’s breadth from the surface. Was she absolutely sure that Rarity wouldn’t buck this up?

You know what she’s gonna do, right? She’ll drag it out of you, and then by noon tomorrow your super-secret love-crush will be tabloid material all over Ponyville and beyond!

Rainbow’s heart thudded in her chest as she swallowed.

And you will never… ever… live it down.

“Rarity wouldn’t do that!” Rainbow whined in a frightened whisper. Yes, the mare loved to gossip, and was usually the most informed mare in Ponyville. Heck, that was probably half the reason she went to the spa all the time in the first place, to get the latest news from the twins. It couldn’t be for the hooficures.

Rainbow shuddered again.

But in her heart of hearts, Rainbow knew that for all of her love of gossip, Rarity loved her friends more. Right? She would be overjoyed to see them in loving relationships with another pony, and not jealous at all. Right?

Besides! It’s not like I haven’t been on dates before. I’ve been out plenty! Why should this colt be any different?

But deep down, Rainbow knew that he was. Ugh. What a sappy thought. Rainbow shook her head and snapped her tail out a few times. She’d taken on dragons without hesitation, and had battled foul beasts from the abyss… She had saved Equestria several times over on sheer guts! Well, guts plus her friends… and some mystical jewelry. She returned her hoof to the door to knock, only to hesitate yet again..

“Ugh. But, to ask Rarity?” she mumbled. “Isn’t that like walking into a changeling hive on Hearts and Hooves day, and announcing you are catering a gorb-fest? I gotta be outta my mind…”

With a sudden thud, the front door to the Carousel Boutique burst open. “Can I help y—Rainbow?” Rarity blinked in surprise, lashes fluttering as she peered over the top of her red-framed spectacles. “I thought I heard somepony muttering. Well, Rainbow! What can I do for you today?”

Recovering from being startled, Rainbow relaxed her posture into an appropriate slouch, only registering about sixty-five percent on the rad-o-meter. She folded her forehooves and rolled her eyes. “Muttering? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Rainbow dear, I distinctly remember a scratchy voice outside my front door saying something about announcing a gorb-fest.” Rarity leaned forward slightly, cocking her head to the side and blinking. “Doesn’t ring any bells?”

“Bells? Nope! No bells ringing around here, heh heh...” Rainbow took a couple of steps backward, looking over her shoulder. “I mean hay, Hearth’s Warming Eve isn’t even for another five weeks! I was just passing by your place on my way to pick up an espresso at Luna’s Latte!”

Behind her red spectacles, Rainbow watched as Rarity’s eyes narrowed slightly. Her bright blue orbs flicked to the coffee Kiosk two blocks away, before focusing on Rainbow again. The pegasus rose into a nervous hover as Rarity’s eyes narrowed further, the unicorn likely calculating the distance to the kiosk, added to the fact that it was clearly on the other side of the street.

“Hmm.” Placing both of her hooves on Rainbow’s cheeks, Rarity brought the hovering pegasus up in front of her face, tsk-ing lightly. “But you don’t drink coffee, dear. You said something about it always making you too jittery? Are you feeling alright?”

“Y-yeah, never better. So listen! I’d better go—“

“—It seems that there is something on your mind, Rainbow Dash,” the fashionista declared with a giggle. “Would you care to join me for some tea? I know you do at least partake in that from time to time.”

“Psh! Nah, don’t worry about it, Rares. My question can wait until—I mean, umm… Anyway, I sort of have to see a mare about a thing! Catch you later!”

Rainbow’s body suddenly lit up with a glimmering bluish glow. “Rainbow Danger Dash, do I detect a hint of nerves?” Rarity grinned. “Now, as your good friend, I would be remiss if I didn’t take just a little concern, so come! Join me, and I shall give you a listening ear.”

“My middle name isn’t actually Danger, Rarity. I— ”

“—Not another word! Join me for a spot of tea.” Rarity’s smile gained a predatory edge as she motioned with her head, guiding her friend’s blue-furred body through her doorway in a flash.

* * *

Twilight stroked her chin with a hoof, interrupting Rainbow mid-story. “Okay, so I can see that you were nervous and all. Rarity brought you in, perhaps against your will, but I’m not sure what the big problem is.”

“Just hang on a second, Twilight!” Rainbow grumbled. “And ponies say that I like to jump the gun… the train is still en route to creepytown, so stay with me.”

Twilight looked over at Rarity, whose mouth was twitching at one corner. Shaking her head, she looked back to Rainbow. “Sorry. You were saying?”

Rarity raised a dainty hoof. “Um, now that the story has moved into my boutique, why don’t I share this part? Tut, tut!” She waved off Rainbow trying to cut in. “I will be absolutely, brutally… honest!”

* * *

“Rainbow? Do please come in. It’s not proper manners to loiter in a doorway.” Rarity walked through the showroom area toward the back of the boutique where her kitchen was. As she made her way past the her showroom stage, she turned her ears back, smirking as she picked up the sound of wing beats as her friend followed her in a forward hover. Turning her ears forward again, she pushed open her kitchen door with a hoof, propping it open for Rainbow to enter ahead of her.

Clopping back down to the floor, Rainbow walked into the kitchen and sat at the table with a grumble. “I wasn’t loitering, just wiping my hooves. I know how you are about that.”

Hiding a smirk, Rarity circled to the other side of the table, using her magic to bring a plate of biscuits along with some piping hot tea that she had just finished brewing. “Well, there we go. Thank you for joining me this morning, it really has been far too long since either of us has had time to do this! Now, I couldn’t help but notice that something is bothering you, Rainbow, so why don’t you settle your nerves with some soothing tea and let your best friend Rarity give you a helping hoof and a listening ear? No need to be in a little feathered snit all morning.”

Rainbow squirmed under Rarity’s gaze, her wings twitching in agitation as the unicorn poured her some tea. “Snit? Um, no snit here, heh heh.” Rainbow hoofed a biscuit and took a couple of hearty bites, ostensibly to busy her mouth so she wouldn’t have to talk.

Rarity studied Rainbow for a few moments. If she was reading this right, Rainbow was trying to come to grips with her own feelings, most likely a love interest, and had come to her for advice. Rarity’s mouth began to break into a smile, but she hid it behind the tea cup she was holding. At last… Now is the perfect opportunity. I can get you back for all of the pranks you have pulled on me over the years, Rainbow dear...

Quickly straightening her features, Rarity took on an innocent tone. “Darling, what is it? You are acting like your pet turtle just volunteered to be shot out of Pinkie’s party cannon.”

Rainbow grimaced as she swallowed her mouthful of biscuit, her ears twitching nervously. “Well, Rares, it’s like this. I’m pretty good with all types of situations, right? I mean, you know, Captain of the Wonderbolts, death-defying stunts in front of thousands of fans, public appearances…groupies? Everypony knows that the Dash is awesome, right?”

Rarity put on a bewildered expression. It was going to be fun to drag it out of this mare. “Well, of COURSE you are awesome, darling. It’s how you became one of the youngest captains in the whole history of Equestria’s most famous flight team. The youngest in times of peace, I believe. But I’m afraid I am not sure what you mean.”

“Well, you see…” Rainbow paused to take a deep breath, gathering her thoughts. “With all of those big events, even as Captain of the Wonderbolts, all I have to be is, well... me. With the team, we all joke around when we aren’t training... with the public, signing our autographs. Even with our groupies, you know? We talk and drink, and rub shoulders… maybe even take a pony out for a few ciders and so on.” Rainbow’s cheeks colored a little. “It’s always a blast!”

“Yes, you do live the high life, after all!” Rarity chuckled, but she didn’t allow her poker face to slip for a moment. “But I’m not sure what the hay you are getting at.” Rarity shook her head, pinning the other mare in place with her eyes before she took another sip. “Why don’t you gather your thoughts and start from the beginning?”.

Rainbow’s wings drooped as she set her biscuit down, glaring at the table. After holding in a breath for a moment, she exhaled through her teeth. “So not cool…” she muttered before resuming a normal tone. “Rarity, you’ve been on lots of dates, right? I mean… real dates, dates that were formal, or official, or whatever?”

Giving a warm smile, Rarity leaned back and regarded her friend. “I’ve… been on a few.”

Still looking down, Rainbow’s magenta eyes flicked up to glance at her through her drooping multicolored bangs. “How do you know if you’ve found the right one? What do you do if a date turns into something… or if you want it to become something… more?”

Bingo.

Rarity leapt to her feet, because a prank such as this needed her to put on a good show. And as the premier fashionista of Equestria, Rarity knew all about how to put on a good show. “Why Rainbow! Has some fair stallion caught your eye?” She clapped her hooves together with a squee. “Has our little Dashie has finally found love?!”

Instantly hovering, Rainbow waved both forehooves back and forth in a panic, her hackles standing up. “Whoa, Rares, I never said I loved anypony! Geez - it was only a question about taking a certain somepony on a date…”

“Certain somepony? ...Or special somepony?”

“Oh, for cryin’ out loud!” Rainbow exclaimed, her ears folded right back flat against her head. Suddenly, she was looking over her shoulder at the door.

Fanning her face with a hoof, Rarity chuckled indulgently and sat back down on her stool. “Tut tut, Ms. Dash! You were right to come to me.” Rarity leaned forward with her most winning smile. “You are speaking with the CEO of Rarity’s Equine Design! The owner of R*Bazaar magazine! Fashionista extraordinaire, glamour pony, and best friend to the end, Rarity L.S. Belle!”

Dumbfounded, Rainbow’s wings faltered as she clopped back down onto the polished floor again. “Wait, L.S.? What does the L.S. stand for?”

“Why, LOVE SPECIALIST, of course!” Rarity simpered.

Rainbow rolled her eyes and snorted. “Uh, its NOT love, Rares! It’s just that, you know, uh…” At this point, Rarity couldn’t help but allow her face to grow into a smirk. This couldn’t be going better!

Rainbow looked up at the clock on the far wall. “What’re we talkin ‘bout?” Suddenly, the worked-up Wonderbolt was in the air again. “Oh yeah! I wanted to commission you for some new outfits to be featured in our upcoming Wonderbolts routine - it’s gonna be totally sweet!” She looked at the door again. “But I... um, left the design specs back at my place, so Imma gonna go back there to get ‘em. Just wait here and I’ll–”

Time to spring the trap.

A sudden blue glimmer flashed on the kitchen door, slamming it shut followed by the ominous sound of the lock of the door engaging with a click. Rainbow’s eyes widened while Rarity’s did the inverse and became half-lidded.

“Oh, no no no! I distinctly remember you seeking relationship advice, not commissions for costumes.” Rarity slithered out of her seat to prowl around the side of the table, inexorably closing the gap until she was nose to nose with her friend, her voice dropping into a sultry growl. “No getting cold hooves now…”

Suddenly the blinds snapped shut, and then with a remote telekinesis spell that took a little bit more mana, there was the sound of her front door locking. Rainbow’s ears twitched as she picked up the distant sound, her eyes growing bigger and bigger.

“Now,” Rarity purred. “Who is this strong and handsome stallion? He must be quite the catch if he managed to capture your eye. Nothing less. Than. Awesome.” With a flash of magic, Rarity suddenly appeared to be wearing a showy tank top around her barrel as she flexed her biceps. “Let me guess – a strapping and muscular earth pony?”

“Rarity…”

Another flash of magic, and suddenly the unicorn’s mane was altered into a wind-swept look, flight goggles perched just above her horn. “Oh! Or a dashing pegasus – flashy, chivalrous, and brave…”

“Rarity!”

Yet another flash of magic as the tank top disappeared, this time replaced by a monocle and a false mustache. “Or maybe a classy and sophisticated unicorn stallion, hmm?” She made as if to swoon. “So romantic!”

“RARITY!” The cyan mare glared daggers, small beads of perspiration now starting to become visible and beginning to run down her forehead.

And now, the coup de grace…

Rarity knew she was a telekinesis prodigy, but using her talent like this was not something she often did… but it felt so empowering! Maybe she should do this more in the future. She brought a bolt of burgundy fabric forward, unwinding it as it drew near and starting to bind Rainbow’s front hooves to the table’s legs. Rarity knew this was crossing the line, and figured if anything would push Rainbow to action it would be to restrict her freedom of movement. Having played the pegasus perfectly, the prismatic mare burst out of the kitchen at the speed of Harmony. Anticipating her flight, Rarity’s horn was already alight with her next move.

With a quick action, Rarity’s precision telekinesis had angled Rainbow’s flight feathers downward to alter her lift, and with a subtle nudge, she guided her trajectory into a cluster of Ponyquin dress forms. The resultant spectacular crash reminded her of Wednesday bowling night with the girls. Equipment scattered to the far corners of the showroom as Rainbow slid to a stop. She wasn’t hurt, of course, and the mess was going to be irritating to organize, but getting even with Rainbow made it more than worth it.

“L-Let me go!”

“But we haven’t even discussed your feelings on the matter.”

“Who are you, Cadence? There is nothing more to talk about!”

Rarity slowly approached, subtly altering the timbre of her voice to gain a more haunting quality. “But you simply must tell me. You don’t know what you are missing, being in a meaningful relationship... in the arms of a big… strong… masculine stallion!”

Rainbow rolled to her back, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks as she watched her half-crazed friend approach. She kicked her legs frantically as she pushed ponyquins and other items in the way to fend off this fashionista demon. “Umm. I really think I hear Pinkie calling me.” Rainbow winced as her voice cracked. “Yeah. I need to go see what she wants: Element of Loyalty and all!

Like a cat, Rarity continued to stalk forward towards her fluttering feathered prey. “I don’t think so… Loyalty to your fellow fashionable filly friend comes first! Tell me!”

“No!”

“Tell meee?”

“NO!”

“Tellme-tellme-tellme-tellme-tellme!”

* * *

Twilight looked towards her dragon assistant in some annoyance, who couldn’t stop himself from laughing, before turning back to the girls. Rarity still had a certain gleam in her eye, while Rainbow only fumed.

“See? What’d I tell you!” Rainbow growled out.

Rarity regarded the prismatic-maned mare before turning back to Twilight. “I’m sorry darling, but you know me. I am only following good business practices.”

“Business practices? Wait until word gets out that you’re some kind of psycho-mare!”

“Rainbow, I am a staunch businesspony, As such, I always believe in paying my debts.”

Rainbow furrowed her brows while she processed that, until her eyes flashed in anger again. “Debts? You mean my last prank? Ah c’mon! What you just pulled was way over the line! I just bared my soul!”

Rarity gave her very first hint of anger as she huffed, scowling back at the huffy pegasus. “Prank? As in one? Over the line? Let’s review!” Rarity closed in as if she would pounce, her voice now dripping with malice.

“Two weeks ago, you and Pinkie switched the conditioner in my private shower with orange hair dye—Orange. Hair. Dye.” Rarity punctuated each word with a hoof tap to Rainbow’s chest floof. “And that was two days before the 4th annual Rarity Review Fashion Show in Vanhoover!” She glowered at the huffy pegasus while she waited for a response.

“Yeah, but I apologized for that! Pinks and I didn’t know anything about that fashion thing you had coming up!”

Rarity pursed her lips, unimpressed. “Fashion thing? Rainbow, I usually have a fashion thing coming up. My business has grown enormously, after all. I tried calling on Zecora so that she might fix it, but she was out of that particular potion, something called Rogaine or some such.”

Twilight and Spike exchanged glances, the dragon giving a sheepish smile and a shrug.

“So, at the last minute out of desperate necessity, I decided that I had to add an entirely different line of dresses styled from ancient Neighpon, all because the only hat that was sufficient to cover my hideous mane was an Ayam!”

“I… I—Ayam? What even is that?” Rainbow challenged.

Ignoring the question, Rarity went on. “I didn’t sleep for forty-eight hours, all so that I could have a whole new line of dresses to match my... admittedly stylish hat, all because I had to cover my horrid mane! Fleeting Thought, my local branch manager didn’t sleep either! She’s still mad at you!”

Rainbow nervously rubbed her own bruised shoulder. Fleeting Thought, known as Flita by her friends, had only been assisting Rarity for the past two years while Rarity’s empire continued to flourish, and that was one particular earth pony mare she did not want to trifle with.

Rarity went on. “Then! Two weeks before that, if you’ll recall, you sneaked into my showroom and swapped the ponequins with actual ponies, all outfitted with the dresses that were on display! There I was, coming back from lunch to resume my current project, not realizing that there were actual ponies in the room until Roseluck unexpectedly sneezed!”

Rainbow snorted again, this time to cover up a snicker. Spike didn’t quite cover up his chuckle until Twilight cuffed him with a wing.

“Oh Yes. I’m sure my abject terror was most amusing to you.” Rarity’s tail twitched as she gave Rainbow the stink-eye before glaring at Spike as well. “And finally, there was that incident three weeks before that at the spa. You recall the one? You should know that Lotus and Aloe are still apologizing for—”

“Okay, Rarity! Okay!” Rainbow was off the ground again hovering, this time looking somewhat abashed. “I’ll admit that I may have slipped a teensy bit into my old pranking ways. After the stresses of leading the Wonderbolts, and with our biggest show of the year coming up… sometimes a pony just has to blow off a little steam, ya know? Wait—did you already get back at Pinkie?”

“As for Pinkie, I consider her debts mostly squared. She was far more apologetic and even went as far as to offer her excellent services in helping me put on a gala for several corporate leaders and VIP’s… all free of charge! I think the most you have been able to do is not crash into my boutique over the last several months.”

Rainbow scowled, looking in frustration from Rarity back to Twilight again. “But this is all… she just… C’mon Twi, tell her! It’s one thing to prank someone’s mane—it’s just a mane! But to go and mess with somepony’s emotions?!”

Twilight stroked her chin again weighing the issue carefully. Rainbow was certainly more in the wrong than Rarity was, here. But she wanted to diffuse the situation. “Hmm. Rainbow does have a significant history with pranking. And, while I know you’ve cut back, Rainbow, you know that Rarity has been one of your favorite targets.”

Rainbow made a sound like she was being strangled. “Ugh! Really, Twi? You don’t think that was too far?”

Twilight stood up, allowing herself a small smile before walking up to put a hoof around the smaller pegasus’ shoulders. “Well Rainbow, you have to admit… if you really think about it… heh, she got ya good!”

Rainbow started to pull away with a snort, but Twilight tightened her grip. “However! I suppose if Rarity were to give you some actual relationship advice—and really set you up for success…”

Here, Rarity stood up and gave a broad smile.

“She really is quite skilled when it comes to such things.” Twilight smiled as Rainbow began to relax. “I don’t doubt she’s hoping she can still do that for you, and it would probably make things even and squared. Rarity? What do you think?”

Rainbow opened her mouth to fire back, but then stopped to consider, her eyes darting to the side. Finally, she shrugged, before hopping up into a hover again, folding her arms petulantly. “Fine! Fine, you got me, Rares! As far as pranks go, that wasn’t cool at all! But—it was rather radical.” She grinned. “Now, d’ya have any guidance for me, or what?”

Rarity gave her most winning smile. “Why, you only needed to ask, darling. If we can call a truce, and cease any more of this uncouth behavior, I will be your greatest ally. Why, with Rarity L.S. Belle in your corner, this will be the best night ever!”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Where have I heard that before?”

* * *

The small group continued on their way to Ponyville, and as they rounded a bend in the road, the Ponyville River bridge came into view.

“I’m sorry, Rainbow. I won’t take any payment, not a single bit. There is no charge, and no obligations. I would simply be delighted to put together a casual, yet chic ensemble for your date.”

“C’mon, Rares. You at least have to let me cover the cost of the raw materials. Money is not an issue for me anymore, you know that! Captain of the Wonderbolts?”

“And you know that money is even less of an issue for me. How about this? You let me give you two hours of advice and tips, while we are making a day of it at the spa, and I will consider that your payment.”

The airborne pegasus’ eyes popped wide. “What? No way!”

“It’s that or nothing!” She ended her statement with a rather petite growl.

The blue pegasus gave a grimace and dropped back to the road again. “You drive a hard bargain, Rares. Can’t I just pay you—triple the amount?”

Rainbow tried to pull off the pouty lip-face she had seen Rarity do to always get her way. She even added a little lip-tremble. Rarity must’ve had a heart of stone because she didn’t budge. “That is my final offer, take it or leave it.”

Rainbow blew out a raspberry. “Hey, no fair using your cutthroat business practices on me.” Rarity continued to look straight ahead, until Rainbow sighed. “Fine. I’ll see you at the spa… some time next we— “

“ —tomorrow. At 5:30 PM. Twilight? You are welcome to join us.”

“Maybe I could come as well?” Spike offered. “It’s been a while since I’ve had my scales polished.” He looked at Rarity hopefully, while the mare gazed back with a blank look, before her expression became more shrewd.

“I’m sorry, dear, but we are certainly going to be covering some mare-centric topics in our visit. Perhaps the next time?”

“Oh. Well, that makes sense, I guess. You gals have fun, then.”

Rarity’s boutique had come within view down a diverging street, whereas Twilight’s castle was another mile’s walk forward from the main thoroughfare of Ponyville. “Well, this is where I take my leave. I have a large order that Flita and I need to…”

Rarity trailed off into a squeak, stopping her walk entirely. Her brows slowly melded together while she shifted her weight back onto her rear hooves before she shifted clear past them, landing on her plush posterior. “Spike? Twilight? Are you seeing what I am seeing?”

Spike stood up on his hind legs to look over the head of Rarity. Rainbow had already swooped up into the air, her jaw hanging open. Spike found his expression matching Rainbow’s, and his arms fell limply to his sides.

“I… w-what?” Twilight stuttered.

Rainbow was the first capable of coherent speech again. “What in the great wide world of Equestria is going on?!”

The street going past Sugarcube Corner was littered with pie tins, lumps of oozing pastry crust, and other debris. Some pies were visible in a semi-recognizable state, while the rest appeared as part of a general morass of sticky devastation.

It was everywhere. Plastered to the sides of parked wagons, spattered across the walls and windows of stores. Barnyard Bargains was especially in bad shape, while the owners, Filthy and Spoiled, were nowhere to be seen.

As they took in the scene of carnage, several ponies could be seen darting from one location of cover to another, either carrying additional pies in their hooves or multiple pies in their magic. Occasionally, a low-flying pegasus would dart through the air, dodging airborne pies as they were hurled from the ground, or delivering their own strafing runs in an attempt to score a sticky hit.

Further observation revealed even more ponies, these hunkered down in makeshift bunkers or whatever could serve as cover while throwing their own salvos of pastry. As Twilight processed what was going on, she could honestly admit that she had never seen the like, except for when Discord was having his fun. One thing was clear though. Most ponies had received damage, and all of them were grinning like idiots.

Twilight scanned around to see if maybe Discord wasn’t behind this. Maybe he was suffering a relapse? She didn’t immediately see him, but she couldn’t rule out that possibility either. Maybe she should get somepony’s attention?

As a Princess of Equestria, and as a specialist in interpony relations, Twilight was duty-bound to step into a fracas such as this, and use her salient powers of diplomacy, magic and reason to rectify such problems. She cleared her throat to address the battle as it raged on.

“...”

Nothing was coming to mind. Her mouth snapped closed again, before she mumbled. “I… I can’t even…”

At this point, two ponies came running towards them. Twilight readied a defensive spell, but then she realized both ponies were unarmed, likely just trying to get away.

The red-and-white maned mare turned to her black earth pony companion, gasping for breath as they ran. “I heard that Ponyville was an adventurous location, but this is ridiculous! I have a gig tonight—I can’t have pie in my mane!”

The two ponies sprinted past, leaving flecks of pie debris on the ground behind their thundering hooves. As their hoofsteps faded into distance, Twilight scratched at her mane. “Who the hay was that?”

Rainbow Dash and Spike turned at the same time, giving her a look that screamed nerd! Rainbow pointed a hoof where they went. “Uh, that was Pepper Scratch. You know, the hot new DJ out of Canterlot? She’s got a gig tonight!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I don’t stay on top of the dub-scene, or wub-scene, or whatever ponies are calling it nowadays.” Spike and Rainbow both shook their heads in disapproval.

A primal yell drew their combined attention as a blur of color, which may or may not have been Sunshower Raindrops, strafed across their position. Twilight hastily erected a shield spell, realizing too late that she might have led her friends into an unfortunately exposed position.

A pie flew out from a side alley next to Filthy Rich’s store, striking the diving mare on the side of her face and knocking her off course. With a crash, the athletic pegasus plowed through a sales display of lawn furniture in front of Quills and Sofas. Moments later, she woozily stood up from behind a patio umbrella, shaking her head. Relieved, Twilight deactivated her spell.

“I’m… I’m okay!” The yellow pegasus bellowed as she got airborne again, wobbling to and fro as she made her way back up to the Town Hall Tower.

Rainbow was blinking, her eyes as big as saucers before turning to Rarity. “Geez! So, uhh… do we lend a hoof?”

“A hoof?!” Rarity’s mouth fell open in an expression abject horror. “My dear Rainbow Dash, a lady does NOT lend a hoof by engaging in food fights!” Another pie came towards them, but harmlessly sailed overhead. “Especially food fights filled with sticky, mane-destroying pastries!”

Rainbow closed in, looping a hoof across Rarity’s withers while pointing her other hoof at the scene. “I dunno, Rares. Sounds like my kinda fun. Looks kinda… tasty.”

“Tasty?! Rainbow, you might think that engaging in such uncouth behavior is worth the consequences, but when— “ Rarity got cut off without warning as a high velocity pie flew in on a frozen rope, striking her square in the face before she could finish the thought.

Twilight winced as she watched the pie filling drip from the side of Rarity’s graceful jawline. Pie filling was also mashed into the side of her mane and her ear. She wasn’t fast enough this time around with her shield spell.

A voice from where the pie had originated sounded with a shout.“Leeeeeroooyy... Jennnkinnns!”

With a surge of blue magic, the crumpled pie and tin were flung away, revealing the white-hot fury of the fashionista mare. Her teeth were clenched shut, only barely muting her next three words. “IT. IS. ON!”

With the deathly calm that precedes a volcanic event, Rarity turned slowly to regard her prismatic friend. “Ms. Dash?”

“Yeah, Rares?” The athletic pegasus took a nervous step back, seeing something disturbing her her friend’s eyes.

Assuming a sprinter’s pose, Rarity lowered her head while she pawed at the street with a hoof. “This is where we fight! This is where they die!” Without another word she launched into the fray, her horn activating with a brilliant blue light, finally screaming “THIS. IS. PONYVILLE!”

Giving a little hoof pump, Rainbow gave an “Aw, yeah!” before she took off as well. She flew after the fashionista, shaking her head side to side while screaming “WITNESS MEEEE!”

After that spectacle, the astonished alicorn princess turned to look at her assistant, who seemed to be bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, his front claws lightly tapping together. He gave her a toothy grin, but had a pleading look in his eye.

“Uhh… Twi? Can I? Pleeease?”

Bringing a hoof to her face, Twilight sighed. “Oh, for the love of… yeah, go ahead.”

Spike’s face broke into huge smile as he crouched down to run. “Thank you, Twilight! Woo hoo!” The young drake ran off on all fours, his claws digging little furrows in the ground as he sprinted. After a few seconds his voice floated back to Twilight. “All for Rarity! I’ll defend you, Rarity!”

Before her scaly assistant could get too far away Twilight lifted a hoof and called after him. “Umm, also - could you save me a slice of pie?” Almost in comical timing, an entire pie came through the air again, hurled in her direction. Smirking, she activated her shield spell again with a flash of magenta light. The pie made a satisfying splat with its impact, before it slid down along the side of her bubble. Twilight lifted up her voice a little louder so that Spike could hear. “Or, um. Maybe just a coffee?”

Might as well sit and watch the show, after all.

Author's Note

I know I said this was going to be four chapters. Well, chapter four just got too big, so it made sense to do this, and then finish it on a chapter five.

Much thanks to Darth Pegasus, who functioned as a beta-reader and even offered a couple of ideas in here. He was nice enough to roll around laughing at my stab at humor. Also thanks to Babroniedad who also came in to offer his support and commentary, and laughed on the floor as well. You guys rock! I'm feeling in the mood for some apple pie. Oh, wait! My daughter brought some home from her camping trip this past week. Yus!

Pinkie's Apiecalypse

Sprinting ahead to catch up to where Rarity and Rainbow had gone, Spike ducked to avoid something from his left. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears, and it was glorious! He knew his vision was a bit sharper than most ponies, but he was going to need to keep his head on a swivel to avoid getting pasted.

Or pastrified?

Or whatever the word was for getting hit by a pie.

Piebald?

...Mmm, no.

As for ponies, they were much more adept at hearing, what with their furry and flexible oversized ears, but auditory acuity would not help in this melee. Not when everypony was yowling and shouting in utter pandemonium.

Okay, it’s not that bad. Most ponies are hiding under partial cover and hurling pies at a distance. But a dragon could dream, right?

“Hey handsome, want some of my pie?”

Spike’s eyes sprang wide as he realized his predicament.

Death from above!

That had sounded like Cloud Kicker exactly behind him and she was descending and closing fast. On a whim, Spike sprang to the side with as much strength as he could muster, his back claws leaving divots from the road behind him. Tucking to perform a over his shoulder, just as Captain Berrytwist had taught him in his new “substitute bodyguard training,” Spike completed the maneuver and sprang to his feet, facing up to his attacker with claws at the ready.

Puzzled for a moment, Spike took in the fact that no pie was incoming. Instead, there was only the sight of a hovering Cloud Kicker, smirking as she passed a pie from one hoof to the other.

“Great move, Spike! Most impressive...” Cloud Kicker chortled as she tossed her jasmine and lemon chiffon colored mane to the side. “Say, have you been working out?”

Spike gave the mare a toothy smile as he stood a little straighter and flexed his pectorals a little. “Nah. Just helping down at Sweet Apple Acres! AJ says I’m lifting almost as much as Macintosh!”

Cloud Kicker blinked her eyes flirtatiously as her smile grew a little wider. “That so?” Her eyes panned back and forth before focusing on Spike again, smiling and waggling her eyebrows. “Very nice, I’d say it’s paying off! There’s just one thing, though…” She held the pie up while stroking her chin with the other hoof.

“Yeah?”

Trying to guess at her intentions, Spike prepared himself to leap to the side again, but the lavender mare had hurled her pie before he could even crouch for the maneuver. The speed was more than he would have expected, because she had used a powerful flap of her wings to give her body a sudden twist, adding the angular velocity of the move to an already tremendous throw.

Caught flat footed, the pie impacted the left side of his neck and shoulder, leaving the pie filling to slowly ooze down his back.

Completing the spin-move, Cloud Kicker curtsied in the air before saluting. “Gotta be quicker to defeat a Kicker! But don’t worry Spike. You’ll always remember your first!”

Giving a playful laugh, the mare zoomed back up towards the top of Town Hall as Spike watched her go, her long tail snapping in the wind behind her. Unsure whether to be annoyed or amused at his plight, Spike shook his head and brushed off what he could. At least he didn’t have a furry coat to worry about when it came to getting clean.

Cloud Kicker landed on the top of the tower of Town Hall, where there seemed to be a base of operations with a steady trickle of pegusi coming and going from the location. If they had their own stash of pies up there, that would pose some problems as far as air superiority, especially if they were all working together. Spike needed to back himself up to a wall or some other barrier quick. Either that or hurry to join up with Rarity and Rainbow Dash if he could find them. He was feeling entirely too exposed.

Scanning the terrain for enemy combatants, Spike studied the various features and structures available on the street as he hurried towards the nearest overhang, along the near wall of Barnyard Bargains. At least that would provide partial cover versus duplicitous mares with a +2 modifier on his armor class. What he really needed was a Never-ending Cornucopia of Baked Goods +5. Where was Discord when you really needed him?

A scream from his right grabbed Spike’s attention, drawing his gaze across the street. A mare garbed in medical scrubs was menacing a light yellow unicorn who was crouching in fear before her. Squinting, Spike tried to identify the pony.

Oh, hey! It’s Lemon Drops—she must be visiting from Canterlot today, perhaps visiting Minuette or Ditzy for the weekend? Maybe Twilight... Oop!

Spike gasped as he watched what might have been Minuette mercilessly piledrive three pies into poor Lemon Drops’ face. Lemon Drops had not only been crouching, she seemed to have been holding her forehooves pressed together in what looked like a gesture pleading for mercy. That was met with an act of utter brutality that was as violent as it was shocking.

A wide grin split Spike’s face from ear to ear. This was awesome.

“Take that, and feel my fruit-filled wrath!” The blue unicorn roared as she stood on her hind legs, pointing a hoof at the downed mare. “At least when it’s on your face it won’t rot your teeth! Next time work harder on your dental hygiene!” Turning to the side with a maniacal laugh, the accosting pony ran off, muttering under her breath about having always wanted to do that.

That could have been Minuette, but it was hard to tell. Minuette wouldn’t say something like that, would she? Spike withdrew a bit, shuddering as he eyed the downed mare who was no longer moving.

Oh wait. Now she’s sitting up and wiping pie filling out of her eyes. Wow. They’re playing for keeps out here!

Taking stock of the situation, Spike looked around for signs of either Rarity or Rainbow Dash. There, off to the left, peeking out from the other side of Barnyard Bargains, he caught a glimpse of a deep fuschia mane. Across the street, a little further down from the demise of Lemon Drops, was an advert sign for Shoeshine’s Shop. Behind it, Spike could pick out a couple of telltale unicorn horns protruding from the top edge.

Yep, those are unicorns. They just hurled a few pies with their magic at Raindrops as she sped by.

Further up the street, behind the shrubbery fronting Bon Bon’s Shoppe, he spied a few sets of hooves. Looking further he could pick out the tops of a couple of heads up on the sky bridge that connected Bon Bon’s Shoppe to Lyra’s Music store titled Clarsachs and Clarinets.

Spike was drawn from his thoughts by a concussive blast from above, rattling the window he was standing by and causing all on the ground to look upwards. Shimmering concentric bands of rainbow light were expanding from a focal point near the top of Town Hall’s tower. Several pegusi were spiraling to the ground, flying in a disoriented pattern, while debris cascaded down from above the roof. Watching the fallout of the debris splat to the ground below, Spike realized that Rainbow Dash had just weaponized her Rainboom, more than likely destroying the cache of pies those pegusi were using.

Spike tracked the rainbow contrail as it arced down somewhere behind Sugar Cube Corner, preparing to take off at a run. He might not make it unscathed, but it was a better strategy than trying to sneak over there. Way too many combatants occupied the field. His mind made up, he chose his route and ran for it.

* * *

Applejack stooped low, reaching into the roaring oven with her hoof pads that by now had become quite sticky. The situation had deteriorated from a mildly amusing diversion from the norm to a downright annoying menagerie of half-explained reasons and foolish notions. And she had had enough.

It all started innocently enough. ‘Help make pies for a contest,’ she said. ‘It’s all for a good cause,’ she said… Well, I’ve had enough.

“Way to go, AJ!” Pinkie chirped. “That’s the 212th pie you’ve churned out for the war effort. The Ponyville citizenry should be proud! It’s just too bad our assistants were called up for the draft.”

“Draft? Pinkie, this here’s gotta stop. I mean, listen to yourself. War effort? It was all amusing and everything to see everypony start to chuck pies, but this isn’t what I signed on for. Besides, I should probably go check on Granny. When she found that old metal helmet and started going on about her pappy’s service in the Great War, I should’ve stopped her right then and there.”

“But AJ, you can’t go now! Not when the final show-down is about to begin!” Pinkie’s pulled out her best puppy-dog face, her large eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

“What show down? I’m serious, Pinkie, what is all this? I mean—if’n somepony had told me that I would spend the better half of this day baking countless pies... only for ponies to throw them at each other in some impromptu food fight...” Applejack threw her hotpads down in disgust. “I would’ve told ‘em that they’d better put their applecart back in the shed because their wheels weren’t on straight—”

“—but it’s for a good cause—”

“—Luna blast your cause straight to the moon! If you don’t tell me the endgame here, Imma quittin’ and clearin’ out!”

Pinkie slumped before taking a breath and blowing it out with a gust. She looked like she was thinking really hard about something. Outside the back window, where they had been sending pies out via a ridiculously long conveyor belt, an exhilarated laugh sounded as a blurred winged shape flew past the window. Moments later a muted splat and a curse could be heard.

“Endgame, huh?” Pinkie sighed. Pinkie looked considerably more worn than she had a moment ago. She dusted off both hooves before fluttering her apron, knocking off bits of uncooked pie crust and flecks of apple.

Yet another thud was heard from outside, this time accompanied by a vindictive shout. “Hah! I have been avenged! Take that, you pie-pilfering pegasus!”

Applejack’s eyes widened just a bit. That sounded just like Octavia! But she wouldn’t be in this, would she? Applejack looked back to Pinkie who was smiling again.

“Okay, Applejack. I’ll fill you in on my ‘endgame.’” Pinkie climbed up so that she could sit on a food-prep table, her legs dangling and swinging off the edge, before she unceremoniously grabbed a slice of pie and stuffed it in her mouth, speaking with her mouth full. “Let me tell you about how this came to be: It all started about a year ago after the Fall Harvest Festival...”

* * *

So far he had been lucky. Getting past the scene of Lemon Drops’ demise seemed to be a good move, as other ponies under cover in the area were still in shock from witnessing such brutality. Spike rounded the corner behind Shoeshine’s shop when he came face to face with a cadre of unicorns. Lyra seemed to be the ringleader, and there was a wild look in her eye. Several pies were visible floating in the air behind her, held aloft in various magical hues belonging to Trixie, Twinkleshine, and Sea Swirl. Roseluck was also there, toting her flower wagon that was currently burdened with several waiting pies.

“You!” Lyra seized on Spike with telekinetic magic, her eyes searching his body to make sure he wasn’t hiding any pies. A bandanna was tied around her forehead, and painted pink stripes marked her face on either side below her eyes. Lyra’s mane, which she usually didn’t bother to style, was a disheveled mess. On closer examination, her mane styling product of choice appeared to be apple glaze.

“I didn’t do it!” Spike pleaded. “I swear! I’m not even armed!”

Lyra stood up on her rear hooves and draped a sticky foreleg around his shoulders, wobbling for a second as if she were drunk. Spike noticed to his dismay that the other ponies of her group were circling to flank him.

“Are you for Team Applecrap? Or Team Pinkie? There is only one correct answer.” The mare’s right eye twitched a little as she waited for his response.

Spike’s mind raced as he struggled for a way out of this. He didn’t know what kind of factions were in the struggle, but this small platoon of ponies definitely looked the worse for wear. He really didn’t want to be wearing all of that pie if he said the wrong thing.

“Well, I uh… I am really good friends with Pinkie, but uh…” Spike’s mind seized upon an idea. “Who the hay is Applecrap?”

Lyra chortled as her free hoof thumped against Spike’s chest a couple of times, her fake laughter giving her unbalanced smile a decidedly more menacing appearance.“Oh, ho ho ho ho! You hear that, girls? This little drake claims he doesn’t know anything about Applecrap! Hey Trixie! You’ve got some Applecrap, don’t ya? Why don’t you introduce him so he can learn why we DON’T. LIKE. APPLECRAP!”

Trixie backed up a step, before looking from Lyra to Spike with some trepidation. “I don’t know, Lyra. Um… what if he helped us? Maybe he could be an asset?”

Lyra’s grip around the dragon tightened a little as she glared back at the cornflower blue mare. “An asset? Trixie, we are in need of some wingpower! Last I checked, this dragon is particularly wingless!” Lyra let go of him so she could flap her forelegs in demonstration. “What can Spike—OH!”

Spike had quickly stepped behind the mint green unicorn while she was distracted, grabbing her under the forelegs and hoisting her up by the barrel. “Alright, nopony move!” he yelled, directing Lyra’s now-vertical torso back and forth, keeping her more or less between him and the other unicorns. If anyone throws a pie, she gets the flame!”

Twinkleshine and Sea Swirl stepped back in shock, bumping into Roseluck who was gaping at the young dragon. On the other hoof, Trixie stepped forward, raising an eyebrow in query. “I dunno, Spike, that seems a little dark for you. Ah, go ahead.”

Lyra started kicking frantically. “What? Trixie, how could you say that! I don’t want to turned into a flame-broiled pony fritter!”

Trixie removed her hat to comb a hoof through her mane. “Aw, relax Lyra. If he blows fire on you, it’ll just deliver you to Celestia, that’s all.” Trixie stopped pulling at her mane and scrunched her muzzle for a second, looking back at Lyra. “Although you might not want to meet the Princess looking like that…”

Lyra became even more frantic. “Lemme go! I can’t see Celestia like this! Put me down! I’m not ready for the Day Court! I’ll… I’ll give you anything!”

Grinning, Spike pulled Lyra back. He tried not to wince as Lyra’s back hooves struck his shins with a couple of glancing blows. The mare was heavy, but not overwhelmingly so, and he forced his face neutral to make the lift look effortless.

“Celestia normally meets with her cabinet at this hour of the morning if I’m not mistaken. As Twilight’s assistant, I am kept informed of Princess Celestia’s daily schedule, and today she’s meeting with her advisor for the fine arts.” Lyra’s ear twitched erratically as Spike’s grin became more wicked. “What would Leopold Concerto say if he saw you like that?”

Lyra gaped in pitiful horror. “N-no! You wouldn’t!”

Spike looked at the other mares in contemplation before responding. “Hm. Maybe I wouldn’t. But you’d have to give something of value to me.”

“Anything but my Clarsach… Or my best friend Bonny!”

“All I need is a single pie, and I will grant. Your. Freedom.”

Lyra nodded emphatically. “Twinkleshine! Give him one of your pies, quick!”

Twinkleshine gulped before floating one of her pies over to Spike.

“Slowly… that’s it…” Spike cooed, still keeping Lyra propped up as a pony meat-shield. “Now. Set the pie down there on the porch and back away… nopony has to get creamed”

All three unicorns were backing away now, even though Trixie seemed to have a gleam in her eye. Roseluck on the other hoof was trembling in outrage.

“You… you monster!”

Spike started to lower his captive, keeping his eyes trained on Trixie. This was working out way better than he could have hoped, and now he had some ammo!

Pastry acquisition achievement unlocked. Level up!

“Justice RAINS from above!”

With a chaotic strafing of pie chunks shattering against the ground below, a bright yellow flash of color attached to two powerful wings shot by as Raindrops completed her maneuver, banking hard to the left to avoid smashing into the back of Shoeshine’s Shop. The earth trembled and shook as the deadly pastries shelled the group’s position, causing them to scream and scatter.

Well, maybe the impact of a couple of pies wasn’t all that dangerous, but a dragon could dream, right?

Spike completed his shoulder roll to the side, the second one made in only about two minutes, his sensitive scales registering every little impact and hit he sustained from Raindrops’ deadly aim. Climbing to his feet, he swore vengeance upon his faithful Dragon’s Code, cocking his arm back ready to hurl his prized weapon at the retreating foe.

Spike paused, studying Raindrops’ form as she beat her wings fiercely, gaining altitude and dwindling in the distance. She banked to the side every so often with a glance behind her, obviously taking evasive maneuvers and checking to see if she was being followed. Spike lowered his pie, narrowing his eyes.

Nah. Throwing now would waste a perfectly good pie. I’ll have to ambush her later somehow.

Spike looked around to see how his former captors were doing. Apparently they were still in shock, except for Trixie who didn’t seem to have a mark on her. Pausing to stare at each other for a moment, Trixie and Spike both shrugged before they headed off in opposite directions.

Creeping along the backside of Shoeshine’s shop, Spike reflected on how Trixie didn’t have a stain anywhere. With his knowledge of magic, he surmised she either had a magical shield exactly molded to her body, or her presence there was entirely an illusion, and she was elsewhere, watching from afar.

Either way, that was some pretty high-quality stuff, so Starlight Glimmer had taught her well. Spike felt himself shiver. Yeah, at least Starlight Glimmer isn’t out here. That mare is way too OP for her own good.

A flicker of blinding light danced in Spike’s right eye for a second. Lifting a claw up to block the glare, Spike looked around for the source. There, beneath one of the supply carts parked on the far side of Sugar Cube Corner, was the most lovely sight in the world.

Apple filling had smeared the make-up on the right side of her face as well as a good portion of her mane. Dirt and grime smeared her coat underneath and along her left flank, and she was crouching low behind the cover of some uncut grass, using a pocket mirror to signal him. Rarity, his crush, was signaling him—and he would answer, her knight in shining armor!

Without another thought, Spike broke into a run. He would arc around the side of the wagon, slide to a stop next to her behind it, and they would embrace in the tall grass. Then, Rarity would praise him for his bravery and finally, they would unite by initiating a passionate kiss!

Which, given her current state, would taste like sweetened apples.

Unbidden, visions of Applejack suddenly popped up in his head, her muscular form straining against the plow harness in the fields as sweat rolled off her her glistening coat… “C’mere, sugarcube. I need a little help over here for a moment.”

Horrified, Spike shook his head. Where did that thought come from?! Applejack was his boss, not his love interest! It was Rarity that had captured his heart!

In his moment of distraction, Spike did not spy the trap he had stumbled into until it was too late. Three earth pony stallions suddenly sprang up from the ground, having been hidden from view by a camouflaged tarp over their position, crouching in the drainage ditch that carried water away from the main street between Sugar Cube Corner and Golden Harvest’s store.

Suddenly flanked by the unlikely trio of Hard Hat, Toe Tapper, and Andante, Spike lifted his claws in a defensive gesture. As he studied the manic and desperate visages before him, Spike shrugged. He was going to get pasted this time for sure, and there wasn’t a thing he could do about it.

How can I be caught flat-footed while I am running?

A sudden flash of brilliant bluish white light flared immediately in front of the faces of the three stallions surrounding Spike, and a jovial voice called out from above.

“Hello, boys! I’m baaaaaack!”

In an instant a rainbow contrail dove between Spike and the confused earth ponies, taking less than two seconds to deliver a pie to the stunned face of each stallion. Rainbow drew herself up into a heroic pose, before giving Spike an exasperated look.

“Well? Don’t just stand there, you doofus. Get to cover quick! We’ve got a plan.”

Not one to disobey a clear order, Spike followed Rainbow as she sped around to the far side of the cart, joining a grinning Rarity as she sat up from her crouched position. Rainbow took the position of lookout as she landed, rearing up to place her forehooves on the back of the wagon while keeping watch on the sky. Rarity turned to face their new recruit and fill him in on their plans.

“Oh, Spike! It’s so good to see you darling, and in one piece, as well!” Spike chuckled for a moment, hoping that he didn’t look too awkward while putting a claw on his neck, only to find more pie filling. “Now that you are here, you can join Rainbow and I as we mount an offensive to end this siege. THEN, and only then, will I have my revenge… It will be the last time anypony throws a pie at General Rarity P.A. Belle!”

Spike scratched as his ear fins for a moment. “Uh, what does P.A. stand for?”

Rarity’s eyes almost glowed with an icy cold as she crooned, “Why, Pie Avenger, or course!” Rainbow, positioned just above them as she kept watch, only snorted. “So, Spike. Rainbow gives us air superiority, while yours truly can out-duel any unicorn on this field with my multi-telekinetic abilities. All we needed was… you.”

Spike’s cheeks felt like they were about to combust. “Me? Well, what can I do? You saw how I was struggling just to get over here!”

Rarity smirked. “Well! That’s just because you haven’t realized the power that you have in you, Spikey-wikey.”

“C’mon, Rares. Just fill him in and let’s GO!” Rainbow stamped a hoof down to emphasize her point as her head turned back and forth keeping watch. She needed to move.

Rarity just gave a huff. “Fine, fine, darling.” Her glittering blue irises focused on Spike again, making his heart flutter a little. It didn’t matter how much muck was on her. The true key to Rarity’s beauty was in her eyes. “Spike, you can send non-magical objects to Celestia, given that they are small enough, correct?”

“Well, yeah? Why do you ask?”

“Because, my dear Spike. You will be our defense.” Rarity’s got a cunning look in her eye. “How do you think Princess Celestia will feel about receiving large quantities of high quality Sweet Apple Acres pie?”

* * *

Granny champed her dentures together in frustration as she reviewed the misfortunes and losses her ponies had sustained in the battle. As the matriarch for Applejack’s side of this battle, she had succeeded in drawing the most ponies to her cause. Unfortunately, Bon Bon’s side had a larger contingent of Pegusi, and had used air superiority to either wear down Team Apple’s forces, or cause multiple desertions. Her best friend Roma stood in as her second in command and Roma had even dedicated additional tomatoes for the cause, but it hadn’t been nearly enough.

Thank Celestia for Platoon Leader Octavia and her incredible skills with the cello. Not that she was playing any music, mind you. No, somehow she had rigged up a sling and attached it to the strings of her cello to give her a long-range artillery device. And she had utterly deadly aim. The Pegusi had learned to fly clear of the airspace directly around her, and that had held for some time, but they were starting to realize that a more organized attack could not be defended against.

“Staff Sergeant Engineer Ambrosia, report!” Granny barked at the young mare that had run up, hard hat firmly in place.

“Fortifications on the front line are beginning to fail, General Smith, sir!” Ambrosia replied. “Forward positions are having to fall back to secondary lines of defense. General Bon Bon’s two pronged attacks are becoming increasingly effective, and we’ve had a few ponies fall to small arms fire.”

“Small arms fire? Explain!”

Instead of answering, Ambrosia pulled out a small chocolate bonbon from under her hard hat and popped it into her mouth, chewing happily.

“Is that… are you eating small arms fire from the enemy, Staff Sergeant?!”

Ambrosia took off her hard hat and offered it to Granny, full of little chocolates. "We can always throw them back. This one’s apple-filled… Heh heh. Hungry?”

Granny’s left eye twitched, before she pointed a hoof at Ambrosia imperiously. “Court Marshalled!”

Warrant Officer Cheerilee came up and led Ambrosia away, the engineer pony hanging her head in shame. “Wait, belay that order! All hooves on deck, here they come!” Granny ducked down, pulling her doughboy hat down all the tighter over her brow. It looked like Bon Bon’s forces were done testing her defenses and were now mounting a full-scale assault. If only her secret weapon would arrive in time!

* * *

Bon Bon laughed as she sent her forces forward. Octavia’s bow could only defend one vector at a time, and while her flight forces would sustain losses, a massive attack from three angles would be enough to overwhelm Granny’s dwindling forces and allow her to claim victory once and for all… for what?

What was she claiming?

Well, she wasn’t sure what she would claim, but she would indeed best Granny and her representation of the Apple Clan. Not that she had anything against Applejack or others of her family. But beating Granny would give her some perverse satisfaction.

“Go! Fell deeds awake. Now for wrath! Now for ruin and the red dawn! For Ponyville! Fly for victory! Fly for freedom! Fly for fortune and honor!”

At her command, the ponies scrambled out of their cover and ran towards the enemy camp, pies at the ready. Pegasus forces swept in from two angles flanking behind Granny’s position. This day would be hers!

In a surprise maneuver from the left, Spike the dragon ran out from a side alley, flanked on either side by Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Impossibly, a mass of pies like a flock of birds were held suspended in the air behind them in her light bluish magical glow.

“Mine! You are all mine!” Rarity crowed, her voice cracking in euphoria. “All ponies who have wielded pies this day will fall by my hooves, or the hooves of my avengers of justice!”

As if to emphasize Rarity’s point, Spike let out an enormous jet of green flame into the air, while Rainbow Dash took off at her top speed passing over Bon Bon’s exposed forces in a blur of color. Yet another crack sounded through the air as she pulled off a second Rainboom, this time breaking the concentration of many a pony as pies were felled to the earth.

“Yaaaaargh!” Rarity shrieked, brining a swarm of pies onto the field of battle.

“All unicorns and earth ponies!” Bon Bon bellowed from her reinforced bunker. “Concentrate all firepower on that superstar unicorn! All Pegasi! Do what it takes to bring that Rainbow-maned menace down! Leave the dragon to me!”

Bon Bon watched as her lead pegasi began angling maneuvers to cut down on Rainbow Dash’s escape vectors. Her ground forces turned as one to meet this new threat, hurling pies by the dozen at Rarity. She felt sorry for her, in a way, as a fellow mare that took excellent care of her mane. Rarity would never get the muck out.

But then Bon Bon’s jaw dropped as she watched Spike step in front, releasing another gout of flame. This time his fire engulfed all of the airborne pies as they approached and caused them to disintegrate in mid air. What the Tartarus? Bon Bon leapt into the fray, bringing out a few of her best candies and sprinkling some blue sprinkles on them as she ran.

One could never have too much blue sprinkles… If only Spike would believe this is sapphire dust.

“Hey Spike!” Bon Bon called, holding up several of her candies high overhead. “I know how much you like my Bon Bons with the sapphire dust topping. Well, how’s about I offer you a year’s supply of these if you join us? Come to the Pink Side! We’ve got candies! Whaddaya say?”

“And betray Rarity? Are out out of your comfitted, confectionary mind?”

An exuberant yell came from Granny’s position behind her barricade of carts. “Yes! My secret weapon has arrived!”

* * *

Applejack pulled her head back from the window. Dumbfounded, she turned to Pinkie and just stared, shaking her head slowly.

Pinkie, for her part, just looked smug as she crossed her forehooves and leaned back against the counter.

“Unbelievable. So lemme get this straight,” Applejack began. “You decided that because our Ponyville residents tended to get, as you put it, all frowny faced at this time of the year, you would institute a new tradition of… a Ponyville Pie Fight. All using my family’s produce from Sweet Apple Acres?”

“Correct. After Cider Season, all you are left with are the lower grade apples in the crop, and you sell them to Fillydelphia for processing. Well, Mac just made a bigger profit margin by selling them to me!”

“But you marketed it as a tasting competition. That’s false advertising.” Applejack said flatly.

“Well, sure!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Would you RSVP to an invitation for a pie fight?”

“...I suppose not.” Applejack tried not to break into a smile at this crazy mare, because she was still mad at her. “But then you rigged the ballot box to come out as a tie?”

“Yep yep yeppers!” Pinkie beamed. “How else could I get tensions high enough so that a spark could start off a war? I already loaded the deck with the disagreement Bon Bon and Granny had going on!”

“Yeah, and then you somehow knew I would call up my Granny to be my assistant.” Applejack replied, trying not to let her frustration become audible. “What would’ve happened to all your preparations, all your planning, all your purchases if’n I said no?”

Pinkie looked thoughtful, playing with her bangs with a hoof. “Hmm, you’re right. That would’ve been disastrous! I guess it’s a good thing that you said yes, huh?”

Applejack knew what Pinkie was thinking, so she just gave her a look. Pinkie pushed her buttons, and Applejack wasn’t happy about it. Under false pretenses, Pinkie had caused her to slave away in the kitchen all morning, all so ponies could mostly use the results of her hard work as projectile weapons. All for some ridiculous scheme to make a disastrous mess… Were there any smiles to show for it?

“Well, I ain’t smiling, Pinkie.” Applejack growled. “Neither are all of the other ponies out there participating in full combat. You’ve had some hare-brained schemes in the past, but this one just took the cake.”

“I think you mean ‘pie.’”

“Pinkamina Diane Pie—”

“Hang on, AJ, please?” Pinkie’s voice had become quiet and earnest. “Come back to the window for a second and take another look.”

* * *

Spike tracked Rainbow for a moment, watching her dodge from side to side avoiding her pursuers. She might not have been taking down any ponies with pies, but she had effectively removed no fewer than five Pegasi from the field of battle to join in the chase. Snapping his attention back to the ponies around him, Spike continued using his breath weapon to great effect, protecting Rarity from being touched as she waged her war of vengeance. Defending Rarity in such a way was something he had always dreamed of doing.

And he couldn’t stop smiling about it.

The last thing he remembered was the timbre of Granny’s voice as she exclaimed: “Fire in the hole!”

* * *

One minute earlier…

“That’s it, Rumble! I knew you could do it!” Granny cackled with glee. “How much did Zecora charge you for it?”

Rumble carefully hoofed over the glowing bright yellow potion, unsure of why such a thing could be called a secret weapon. “Um, she just made me swear on what it was going to be used for, and then said she would bill you later for a hundred-twenty bits.”

Granny gave a wicked smirk. “Heh. Good ol’ Zecora. Hasn’t been the first time her potion brewing skills has come to the aid of the Apple clan. If’n this works, it will be more than worth it! Octavia!”

Octavia stepped forward, giving a polite bow before flicking a few bits of apple pie off of her coat with her hoof. “Yes ma’am?”

Granny held up the bright yellow potion. “This here is our secret to victory… either that or our mutually assured destruction.” Octavia lifted an eyebrow. “Zecora calls it her Replitonic Mirror Potion, and she doesn’t just sell it to just anypony.”

“Yes ma’am.” Octavia acknowledged. “It’s been an honor serving with you—just tell me what I need to do.”

Granny peered over the edge of the stacked carts of their position, scanning around until she spotted what she was looking for. The timing of the surprise attack by Rarity, Spike, and Rainbow Dash couldn’t have worked any better. Multi-pronged attacks from the air were now unlikely, and Rainbow’s sonic rainboom had left a lot of pies all over the road in piles and debris. Bon Bon’s remaining forces seemed to be gathered around a stack of remaining pies, but they were only under partial cover and attempting to regroup.

“That there’s your target, Octavia.” Granny pointed to the position with a hoof. “You have to launch that potion, and your aim must be true. It must shatter against that stack of pies they’re protecting. Can you do it?”

Octavia narrowed her eyes as she surmised the field. She wished Vinyl wouldn’t have gorged herself so much on pie so she could be out here to observe her heroic act. Poor Vinyl was likely still groaning, stretched out on Sugar Cube Corner’s dining room floor clutching her belly. Calculating the distance, Octavia took aim.

“Oh, and uh…” Granny began. “Once you’ve launched your salvo you better get down quick!”

Nodding in understanding, Octavia drew back her arm to throw. Thankfully, Bon Bon’s forces were much more worried about dealing with Rarity and her many “pies of justice” as she was calling them. The enemy would never know what hit them. Steeling herself for a moment with a deep breath, Octavia reared back and threw.

Behind her Granny cupped her hooves to her face and gave a shout. “Fire in the hole!”

* * *

All Applejack could do was watch as she tracked the potion vial tumble through the air, leaving an eerie yellow contrail in the air behind it. Octavia’s aim was true, the vial landing directly behind Bon Bon’s forces on top of the pile of pies behind them. With a muted thwump, a bright yellow flash detonated from ground zero, and then all went white…

…

Well, not really white, really… it was more of an apple-filling color. All over the surrounding area, everywhere in the vicinity where there was pie matter, something magical was flaring to life. Everything tainted by even the smallest bit of pie goo reacted to the magical explosion of Zecora’s potion. Every piece, every glob of pie remaining began to expand, multiplying exponentially in volume. All surfaces be it pony or storefront, belched forth more and more pie matter until the street was completely buried, and the ponies with it, saturated with an impossible quantity of pie.

And then, everything stopped. All was silence.

Applejack was in shock. What had she just witnessed? Was everypony alright? Was Pinkie completely off the hinge?

Continuing to survey the scene of the carnage, Applejack’s ears picked up a chuckle. And then there was a giggle. Then a laugh. In moments, the whole street was howling in laughter, ponies and dragon alike, all rolling in the muck and laughing their fool heads off.

Turning from the window, Applejack turned to look back at Pinkie, utterly stunned from the developments. Pinkie, for her part, was now giggle-snorting and hopping up and down in glee.

“Pinkie, I don’t even—”

“Applejack you have to understand…” Pinkie confided. “What you have to know is this. Desperate times call for Desperate measures. I must make ponies smile. I have to. And, well, I have to say… mission accomplished!”

Applejack sat down at the counter next to her, shaking her head before finally nudging her in the ribs, making her giggle-snort again. “Desperate measures, huh?”

“The most desperate…”

“Y’know. I’m not gonna be talkin’ to you for for a few minutes Pinks.”

“Why’s that, AJ?”

Applejack’s stomach rumbled. “Imma gonna have me some of this here pie.” Applejack started to shovel forkfuls of goodness in her mouth, trying to at least enjoy some of the spoils of her hard labor.

Pinkie just giggled again, as she eavesdropped on the ponies outside as they started to discuss cleanup procedures, and their desires to do such a fun thing for the next year. Smiling in satisfaction, she gave a great sigh. Some days in Ponyville were just right.

Author's Note

To Babronie Dad and Darth Pegasus, so much grateful thanks to both of you in your work on my document. I also loved the hilarity that ensued, at least it let me know I was going in the right direction.

To all my readers: thank you for your support. For those who read chapters 1-4 before two weeks ago, please note I did some extensive editing because it needed it... now I am far more content with the results. Apologies, I’m still trying to learn this how to be an author thing on the fly. I cringe at my earlier versions, but what ya gonna do? Thanks again!

Twilight's Tale

Ponyville - twelve years after Luna’s return

Spike turned the invitation over in his hand, re-reading Pinkie’s flowing script. She had made the dots over all of the “i’s” into little yellow and cyan balloons… Of course she had.

You are personally invited to a Sugar Cube Corner Exclusive Event!

Tomorrow at 11:00 AM, as described in today’s issue of The Ponyville Press,
Sugar Cube Corner will host the First Annual Ponyville Pie Bake-off!

Your discerning taste buds will be put to the test as you compare the pastries of one Pinkie Pie
versus a mystery challengeras yet to be named.

Prizes and fun guaranteed to all participants! Bring your invitation, and bring a friend!

Scratching at his ear fins, Spike couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. He always retrieved the mail from the castle’s mailbox, and he could have sworn that this invitation wasn’t with the stack when he carried it in. He usually sorted through the mail earlier in the day, but sometimes life just has one too many distractions to ever fully get oneself back on course.

“Spike!” Twilight’s voice sounded out from up the stairs. The echoing of the castle’s crystalline walls made it difficult for his sharp senses to exactly pinpoint her position, but it sounded like she had just emerged from the map room.

“I’ll be up in a second, Twi!” Spike called back. He rummaged through the pile of letters and documents before finding what he was looking for, picking up and folding today’s issue of the paper.

A flash of magenta light heralded the young alicorn’s arrival before Spike could take another step. Twilight gave him an amused smirk. “Couldn’t get to the mail until now, eh?”

“Yep. Been one of those days.” Spike held out the invitation from Pinkie, waving it for emphasis. “Have you seen one of these around town today?”

“No, but I heard about it. Another Sugar Cube event, huh? Wonder what Pinkie is up to this time?”

“Could be anything with that mare.” Spike grinned. “Here’s the ad in the paper as well. But that’s not what I was looking for.”

Twilight’s eyes widened a bit as Spike held up a colorful periodical carefully packaged in a plastic sleeve. “It finally came? That’s great, Spike!”

“I know, right? The last issue of Power Ponies left off at such a horrible cliffhanger, I can’t wait to get started!” Spike looked up from the comic he was brandishing, and noticed an apologetic look on Twilight’s face. “What is it?”

“Um, remember when you owed me that favor last week? I need a little help with an experiment…”

* * *

Twilight rolled her eyes as Spike’s voice called up to her from the landing below, panting as he adjusted his grip on his burden.

“Twilight, couldn’t this experiment have waited until tomorrow? I mean, it’s after eleven o’clock!” This was the fifth trip up the castle’s central stairwell, and while his maturing dragon musculature was easily sufficient to carry boxes of lab materials and binders all night, Spike thought a little higher of himself than a simple beast of burden. Besides, Power Ponies!

“Seriously, Twi—either teleport this stuff, or ask some of your guards to carry it. What’s the rush?”

Continuing her way up the staircase with more delicate lab equipment, Twilight risked a glance back at Spike as he trudged up behind her. “Spike, while I know this isn’t an emergency or anything, I depart for Fillydelphia in two days. This project can’t wait! Well, it can, but I want to spend some of my travel time analyzing the data!”

“Ane you can’t teleport this because…?”

Twilight pressed her lips together. “Because teleportation usually knocks my more sensitive instruments out of calibration!”

Spike looked down at what he was holding in his arms. “And the notebooks?”

Turning her nose up, Twilight increased her pace. “Not when there is a .02% chance that some of my notes could get singed!”

“Singed? You haven’t had a teleport mishap over ten years!” Spike looked to the side as he recalled the event. “In fact, the last time your teleport misfired and singed something, that something was an unsuspecting draconic assistant! And that was while you were still a unicorn!”

Twilight huffed out her response. “Fine. Just leave the notebooks there, I’ll send them the rest of the way. But if just one word gets slightly singed, smudged, or smoked, you’re gonna hear about it.” The dragon rolled his eyes in response, dropping his load where he stood.

With another magenta flash, the stack of materials had disappeared from where Spike set them down. “What I was really hoping you could do is join me in my research. You have to admit it’s been a while.”

“Nope.” Spike brought up his as yet unopened and unread comic book. "This favor is now concluded."

“Ah c’mon, Spike! You’d be more interested if you heard what I was researching about!

Spike folded his muscular arms before giving a nettled sigh. “Not really. I am sure that whatever your new project is, the results will either be flammable, unstable, caustic, explosive, radioactive, magically hazardous, or will simply warp time and space and open a dimensional portal to some weird alternate reality, featuring a planet with furless, intelligent, bipedal monkeys.”

Twilight gave him a flat look before remote-teleporting the laboratory chalkboard up into the corridor, effectively blocking their path. “I’ve already been there. Besides, you can’t blame me for that portal. Now keep your scales on!” Taking a piece of chalk from the tray, Twilight wrote across the top of the board, titling it Starswirl’s Three Laws of Magical Manipulation. Below this, she numbered three simple statements.

“Now, what I am trying to do is establish, for the very first time, is that there is a fallacy with Starswirl’s Third Law of Magical Manipulation!” She circled the third statement.

Spike’s voice sounded tired as he piped up from behind her. “You’re aware that it’s called Starswirl’s Third Law for a reason—because it’s… you know, a law?”

“Not so fast,” Twilight insisted with a hungry grin.

Spike just gave a long sigh. “Hoo boy. Okay, tell me what you got…”

***

Twilight’s eyes tracked the arcs of magical discharge from the Arcane Resonance Coil. While the coil was similar to its electronic analog, invented by Neighkoli Tesla, it differed in that it magnified and resonated mana instead of electricity. It was a device of her own creation, but Twilight was too modest to put her name on it. Although, calling it the Sparkle Coil did have a nice ring to it.

Completing her latest inscription, Twilight switched off the A.R.C. and pulled off her protective eyewear. She held the current specimen, a 4 carat fire ruby, aloft in her magic. Bringing a loupe up to magnify the inscribed surface, Twilight examined the etched lines for imperfections before jotting down a few notes in a notebook. Satisfied with the results, she set the ruby down, reviewing the previous thirteen experiments in her mind. So far there had been no deviation from the equation, but she wasn’t out of ideas yet.

Heaving a sigh, Twilight channeled some magic through her horn into the rune inscribed surface. The rune was for Ardere, the magical representation of the concept of heat. Completing the procedure, Twilight turned around and placed the now glowing ruby inside a waiting calorimeter, sealing the container.

“Alright. Test number fourteen, inscription of the rune Ardere. Depth of cut: ¼ centimeter. Beam resonance: tuned at 60 Hz. Beam intensity: exactly forty-five Thaums.”

While monitoring the calorimeter, Twilight glanced over at Spike who was sleeping nearby on his favorite couch. Researching side by side with him had been fun while it lasted, with the two of them excitedly chatting, alternating topics between the latest gossip in Ponyville and the next half-baked method they were going to use to destroy Starswirl’s Third Law. Now the room was mostly silent, occasionally interrupted by either Twilight’s commentary or Spike’s rumbling snore.

It was after attempt number eight where things unfortunately went South. Twilight had just released Spike to the comfort of his comic after catching him making eyes at it for the third time. He had no sooner curled up on the couch when he had to leap up again and come to her rescue. Apparently, after she had ignited the next experiment, she bumped the glowing crystal into the waste bin. She had quickly magicked it back out, but by the time she had processed that something near the bottom of the bin had caught fire, Spike was already in motion, approaching with a fire extinguisher.

“Go on. I know you’re dying to say it.”

“Me? I wasn’t going to say anything...” Spike grinned. He leaned back on the couch lifting his comic book higher to obscure his growing smile. That didn’t stop his voice from emerging from behind it a moment later. “It’s just that I’m not the only fire hazard in this castle… Pyrelight Sparkle…”

Daybreak was fast approaching, and Twilight had just finished experiment twenty-seven, eliminating another variable in the process. She started pacing the room, planning her next move. Since the School of Friendship was closed for the coming holiday, maybe Principal Glimmer would take interest and offer her expertise to the project.

It had been five years since the attack of the Storm King. Once that incursion had been dealt with, Celestia arranged for the inaugural Friendship Festival to become an official national holiday. Friendship Day was now exploding in popularity: a day for ponies to either mend a broken friendship or make a new friend, alongside of all of the festivals and the gobs of food, of course.

As nice as that was, however, Twilight was beginning to have a growing suspicion that her mentor had ulterior motives in creating a holiday centered around friendship and the friendship princess. Cynical though the thought might be, Twilight was beginning to believe that the real reason Celestia instituted Friendship Day was to add to Twilight’s fame, all part of a master plan for delegating more of the country’s leadership duties directly to her protégé. Twilight’s coffee infused mind came up with increasingly ridiculous scenarios, such as Celestia packing her bags, activating a magical disguise, and laughing all the way to some tropical paradise with nothing but muscular stallions serving cake.

Twilight shook her head to clear it from such lurid thoughts. At least there was one exceptional thing that came out of the Storm King’s attack: Fizzlepop Berrytwist. For all of the clout and notoriety that Royal Guard had, Twilight’s personal Security Detail had routed the highly trained specialists from both the Lunar and Solar divisions at the most recent wargames event. The Canterlot brass passed this off as a fluke, but not Twilight. She knew it was due to Captain Berrytwist’s rigorous training and intense leadership, honing a ragtag group of ponies into a polished and fantastically coordinated fighting force. It made her feel a little more at ease, knowing she had such a stalwart and trustworthy guard captain.

Blinking, Twilight shook herself from her thoughts to look around with some confusion. Why was it getting brighter in here?

Oh, right. Looks like my research used up the entire night. Guess I discovered exactly twenty-seven ways how not to make an amulet.

Giving an internal sigh, Twilight started to file away her notes and organize the rest of the lab equipment. More trials would be needed, but that would have to wait until tonight. She also needed to get a large supply of cut gems, so she added a visit to Carousel Boutique to her growing list of to-do’s for the day. Blinking some of the weariness from her eyes, she stretched her wings out wide, shuddering with a huge yawn.

Not realizing that she had flicked her tail to the side, Twilight was startled by a snort before Spike gave an enormous sneeze. Twilight flinched, not so much from the sudden noise as from an ominous burst of greenish light and intense heat. The heat intensity was strong enough to make the skin under her coat prickle uncomfortably. Twilight spun around in horror, checking over the state of her coat while the odor of burning hair hit her nose.

“Spike!” Twilight screeched, “You burned off my tail!”

Horrified, she extinguished what was left of her beautiful tail while she watched the remainder float up towards the ceiling as ash and smoke. Her mouth hanging open, Twilight slowly turned her head to glare at Spike, who was only now blinking and crossing his eyes to focus on the bits of ash that had landed on his snout.

“What’s up, Twi?” Spike looked back up at her, and sniffed at the air. “And what’s that smell?”

“My tail, to both of your questions, Spike!” Twilight growled.

“Your… what?”

"I swear to Celestia, even your sneezes!" Twilight grumbled. "Spike, ever since you’ve started your explosive growth spurt in the summer, it’s like living around a pyromaniac!” She pointed a hoof back at her smoldering tail. Then she repeated the gesture, only with more emphasis. “I mean, look at this!”

Spike’s eyes widened in dismay. “Aw, jeez, Twilight. I didn’t mean to—I mean—what even happened?”

“Well, as for me, I was just yawning and enjoying a perfectly nice morning stretch. But then, all of the sudden, you startled from your dormant status and proceeded to scorch me with your pyroclastic flow!" Twilight noted her voice was beginning to become more shrill, but she didn’t really care at the moment. “I have speaking engagement coming up in two days. What am I supposed to do now?”

“Well, could you magic it back together? Spike asked hopefully. “I mean, you are the Princess of Magic and all, right? Remember back when I was always asking you to give me a moustache?”

“Princess of Friendship, Spike.” Twilight sighed. “Besides, the moustache spell is a temporary-substantive illusion. Did you happen to notice any sort of color match?”

“...I guess not.”

“Starswirl’s Second Law. Transmutation of organics is highly unstable due to the latent magic within the creature. Susceptibility to transmutation is proportional to the— “

“ —okay, okay!" Spike waved his claws defensively. "Please don’t tell me what susceptibility to transmutation is proportional to.”

Twilight stopped mid rant and sat down. Spike was correct, and ranting about it wasn’t going to fix the problem. She forced herself to relax and performed what she called the Cadence Maneuver, taking a deep breath in through the nose and expelling it out through the mouth, pushing the imagined stress away with a hoof. “So anyway, Magical transmutation of organics is unstable. If I attempt to grow my tail out with magic, even if I reinforce it with an enhancement or permanency spell— “

“ —poof?”

“You’re darn right, ‘poof!’ We just better hope that Zecora has some of that new potion on hand that she invented last year, because it takes about thirty-six hours to brew the stuff, and even then, it takes about forty hours for the accelerated regeneration to even come close the the length my tail was at!”

Spike lifted up a claw. “Hold on, what is this ‘we’ stuff? I was gonna— “

“ —offer to accompany me to Zecora’s? Why thank you, Spike! Normally our new Captain, Ms. Berrytwist, would be on hand, but she is out doing training maneuvers. What did she make you promise?"

Spike sighed. "To be your bodyguard if she was unavailable. Yeah, Twi, but it's only the Everfree. It's way more passable since that new road was put in."

"Nope. You made a promise. Besides, I think it’s time our local Zebra Shaman gets a chance to examine you and your weird growth spurt.”

“Ugh, seriously Twi? You already dragged me to Doctor Horse last month, and even Fluttershy gives me a clean bill of health!”

“I know, but I’m still worried about you! So we will consult a more holistic source! You aren’t squirming out of this one, mister.”

Spike studied her for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. “Fine. Hey, can you pass me a roll of parchment?

Twilight lifted one of her unused scrolls from a shelf in the desk before sending it over to Spike. “Who are you writing to?”

“Rarity. I’m sending her a message to explain why I won’t be able to get her new shipment of fabric bolts sorted in her warehouse until the afternoon.”

Spike quickly penned the message, his old habit of poking his tongue out to the side still evident as he finished signing his name. “And off we go.” Spike blew a small jet of green flame on the scroll, activating his dragonfire magic to send the message straight to Rarity. Imprinting the magic flame spell for each of Twilight’s closest friends had proven quite useful over the past few years.

“Okay, Spike! Help me finish cleaning my lab equipment up, and we’ll head down to the castle kitchens for breakfast."

“Fair enough, Twi.” After a few moments of quiet work, Spike stood up and looked at Twilight, stroking his chin. “Huh. I wonder what Princess Celestia thought of your message.”

“...What message?”

***

Squealie-eee-eeek… Squealie-eee-eeek…

Melon Seed glared at the offending wheel of her serving cart. This was her first day since she was switched from dish room worker to breakfast server, and she did not need this kind of aggravation.

The massive windows to either side of her, depicting iconic scenes in the history of Equestria, would have been a sight to gawk at. Would have been if they weren’t reflecting back the ear piercing shriek the tea cart wheel was making. She wished dolefully that she was just attending one of the twice-a-day tours that go through here instead.

Melon’s ears twitched as she thought she heard a snicker from behind her. Turning her head slightly to regard her co-worker pushing the completely silent cart behind her, she cocked an eyebrow. “This… isn’t some sort of rite of initiation, is it? Give the new server on staff the humiliating serving cart? Is it?!”

Looking from the polished hooves of the alabaster mare up to her eyes, partially hidden by the rosy color of her curly mane, Melon spotted the ghost of a smirk. Vina Maderis had held the position of day-shift food service here for the past fifteen years.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Ms. Seed. We, here at Canterlot Castle, would never stoop to something as plebeian as that! Snrk.”

“That… that was a snicker! I swear, Vina!” Melon growled.

“Hush, we’re here!”

Glancing ahead again, Melon’s eyes grew wide as she took in the double doors of the Royal Dining Hall. She straightened her posture and willed her expression to tranquility. There was nothing for it, so she pushed past the door attendant.

The feeling of walking in was surreal. Averting her gaze from the two rulers, Melon felt suddenly like she was treading on sacred ground and softened her hoofsteps in order to minimize her intrusiveness.

Pausing in her approach, Melon Seed furrowed her brows in consternation. What was that horrid, ear-piercing sound?! Of all the— wait, that was the cart wheel. Her serving cart wheel.

Horrified, Melon slowly looked up from the wheel to the visage of Princess Celestia, who seemed to be regarding her from over the top of her newspaper with a smirk. After giving her a wink, Celestia glanced across the table at Vina who was busy pouring Princess Luna a cup of tea.

“The old, squealing cart prank, Vina?” Celestia gave a wry smile. “Isn’t that one a little stale?” Still smiling, Celestia levitated her teacup closer to the stunned mare.

Blinking away her confusion, Melon filled Celestia’s cup. She would have to get Vina back somehow. Perhaps Princess Celestia would have some ideas if she ever got up the courage to ask? Vina was lifting the cloche of her service tray, so Melon copied the gesture on her end of the table. She looked down at the presentation, surprised by what she saw. Arrayed in rows across the tray was nothing more than a bunch of gooey pastries and sticky buns.

Is this all that the princesses have for breakfast? Truly? Hiding a shrug, she held the tray aloft with the primaries of her wings.

Shrugging, Melon tossed her blond mane to the side before presenting the tray with the extended primaries of her lime-green wings. Celestia smiled warmly as she selected no fewer than five, and then her gaze fell upon Melon again.

“Thank you, my dear pony." Celestia smiled warmly as she magicked several buns onto her plate. "And what shall I call you? I like to know all the names of all of our serving staff.”

“My name is... uh, I uh…” Melon swallowed audibly. “It’s Melon Seed, your highness!”

“It's a pleasure, Ms. Seed. While we're at breakfast, you may call me Celestia."

“...Or Five Fritter Flanks For Friday,” Luna murmured, not looking up from her document. Frowning for a moment, Celestia’s horn gave off a gentle glow as one of Luna’s sticky buns lifted itself off the table and impaled itself on her majestic horn.

Melon Seed’s eyes popped wide open. She had never envisioned the princesses would be like this. Of course, it was similar to the way she acted around her sisters. But would this banter between the two be considered classified information? Melon almost swooned at the thought.

Before her mind could wander further, a sizzling burst of smoke and greenish fire erupted directly above Princess Celestia’s head. In two seconds, the greenish flames had all but evaporated, leaving in their wake a cloud of ash and flaming bits of debris that looked suspiciously indigo-colored hair.

What was this? Somepony’s assassination attempt? What in Equestria?

Nopony moved or made a peep as Celestia blinked, trying to process the situation. She looked up at the rising smoke, and then back down at her tea and bun, along with its new toppings. Finally, it was Luna that broke the silence.

“Pffffth—BWAH-HAA-HA-HA-HAHAAAAA! Tia? What? Whatever have you seasoned your sticky bun with?” Her laughter continued, interspersed at intervals with a rather unsophisticated snort. The documents Luna had been reading were all but forgotten as she held onto her sides with her forehooves.

Celestia rolled her eyes as she fruitlessly tried to dust off her ruined bun with her magic. “Luna, please. I’m sure there is a reasonable explanation...” Her attempt to clean the sweetened pastry was only marginally successful, the rest rather being blended into the mess instead of removed. This particular sticky bun would not be able to give its life in selfless service to the Princess.

Luna stood up with glee. “Oh, I know! It must be something that was imported from some of our nation’s docks to the south? Or maybe something from Flankfurt? Oh, I know! It is a rare spice only harvested at Twilight!”

Celestia gave Luna an annoyed look, before her eyes focused her younger sister’s horn that was still garnished with a lone pastry. Magicking two more pastries onto her horn to join their comrade-at-arms, Celestia leaned back with a more placid expression, sipping her tea.

"Those puns only rate 3 pastries out of 5, Lulu."

Luna only replied with a raspberry, but strangely enough, she did not remove the items from her horn.

Celestia placed her cup down again. “So, then. If we are through with this nonsense, I take it your night was pleasant?"

Straightening her comportment at once, Luna mimicked her sister’s posture, gracefully sitting back and sipping her tea, with a gleam in her eye. “Why yes, Tia. Yes it was---"

Stunned, Melon could only watch the developments as her eyes tracked back to Celestia, who’s tray had somehow been inverted so that all of her pastries were pressed upside down onto the table. Melon hadn’t even noticed Luna’s horn lighting up to do that. She wasn’t sure where this interaction might lead, but for the moment she was rooted to one spot, unable to move or even hardly breathe. Besides, Luna looked absolutely ridiculous.

“---Very pleasant, I must say. But not as pleasant as…” Luna’s muzzle scrunched as she struggled to rein in her laughter. “...watching you enjoy Sparkles on your donut!” Luna burst out into guffaws again, now smacking the table top with a hoof, knocking her teacup over and drenching her pastries in the sluice.

Fidgeting desperately with her hooves, Melon Seed looked on in consternation. Were the Princesses like this every morning?

With a sigh, Celestia stood up and looked at Melon Seed conspiratorially. “Excuse me, Ms. Seed?”

“Princess?”

“I am going to need something stronger. Bring some black coffee to my study, and... put a little rum in it.”

“Coffee… Rum… Right!” Melon Seed nodded her head emphatically.

Standing up, Celestia poured herself a new cup of tea before snatching the three pastries still perched on Luna’s horn and tucking one in her mouth. “You know where the Tholar Thtudy isth, my little pony?”

“Yes, Princess! I’ll be right back!” Melon Seed scurried down the hall to perform her duties. Who knew that serving the Princesses for tea would be like this? Uncle Crenshaw was never going to believe her.

***

Castle of Friendship...

“Spike…” Twilight’s voice was a flat monotone, devoid of emotion.

“Yeah, Twi?”

“You sent half of my bucking tail… TO CELESTIA?!”

Spike backed up a step. “Well, yeah! Why is that a surprise?”

“Well, maybe that possibility didn’t occur to me because my tail was on fire!”

Spike had seen Twilight get in panic attacks before. He knew the signs. There were certain tells and quirks that his trained eye could pick out, to give him ample warning that Twilight was on her way to a toasty day in conniption-ville. Like now, when her mane managed to spring out of position of its own accord. Which meant it was time for damage control.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen, Twi!” Spike said, waving his claws in a placating manner. “It’s just that your tail tickled my nose! It’s not like I could get out of the way, right? I was asleep! Besides, why were you still in the Map Room? Another all-nighter?”

“Whether I went to bed or not is entirely beside the point! And whether you meant to or not is irrelevant—I mean, what if Celestia was in the middle of day court?”

“It’s too early for that, Twi.”

“Well then, what if she was soaking in her royal baths?!”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Not unless she completely flipped her schedule. In all time that we’ve known her, she has always done her bathing rituals before she raises the sun.”

Twilight stomped a hoof and growled. “Fine then! What if she is currently having delicate diplomatic relations with an ambassador from Yakyakistan?!”

Spike shrugged. “I suppose it’s possible.”

“Spike!” Twilight fumed. The air around her was starting to shimmer a little, and that was a very bad sign.

“I’m sorry, Twilight, alright? I’m sorry… Just calm down!”

“Don’t tell me to calm down! I. AM. CALM.”

“Okay, Twi! You’re calm, you’re calm! We can do something about this, we can fix it!”

Growling in frustration, Twilight spun on her heel, stalking off to a cabinet near the window. After a moment, she returned with a tape measure held aloft in her telekinesis. It sailed over to him, lightly touching the front of his snout, before extending down the floor, snapping taut. Spike raised an eyebrow as he crossed his eyes to regard the invading instrument.

“Let’s review. You have increased in size by exactly one-hundred and eighty-three percent since we moved into this castle, but amazingly, most of that has been experienced over the past two months. Your sneezes in that span have increased in ferocity by a margin of two-hundred and twelve percent. Your average output is now up to fifty-eight CTU’s!”

“Uh... What’s a CTU?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Celestial Thermal Unit, Spike… Our grill out back only emits 22 CTU’s at maximum.”

“Heh. Fifty-eight, huh? Not bad!”

Twilight gave him a caustic look that could corrode glass.

“ I mean, my sneezes haven’t been that dangerous! This entire time I have kept everything under perfect control! I haven’t lit a single thing in the library on fire!”

Twilight pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes and twitching her tail for emphasis. Point made, she dropped the tape measure to the floor with a clatter.

Unabashed, Spike continued. “Well, except for today!” Spike folded his arms. “I can’t be held responsible for being tickled out of my sleep by your tail!”

“Spike,” Twilight sighed, “I doubt anybody else in this town would startle awake from a tickle by lighting everything ON FIRE! I mean, I already lost one library to a deranged, power-mad centaur! What am I supposed to do, wrap you in magical flame retardant?!”

Frowning, Spike was about to make a retort until a bright green flame burst forth, quickly re-forming into scroll sealed with Celestia’s insignia. Instead of catching it, Spike left his arms folded and watched it fall to the castle floor. For a tense moment, nopony moved.

After taking a few measured breaths, Twilight reflected on the last minute of their argument, realizing that she was probably being a little unfair. Yelling about it wouldn’t bring her tail back, and now the verdict was lying there on the floor between them. She scraped a forehoof against her leg and gave a weak chuckle. “Um. I’m sorry about that, Spike. I may have taken that a little too far. You are nothing like Tirek.”

The dragon raised an eyebrow. “You think?”

“And… you are right, it’s my own fault. My tail did tickle your nose. I was just upset about being anurous for my upcoming speech in Fillydelphia. I just… well, I feel sort of naked! Forgive me?”

Spike held his pose a moment longer, before shrugging. “Sure. Heh, it’s not every day you get to use the word ‘anurous’ in a sentence, huh?”

“Don’t push it.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He picked up the scroll and flicked the seal open with a claw. “So, shall I read the damages?”

Twilight rubbed a hoof against her temple and sighed, nodding her head.

Scanning through the document, Spike pursed his lips. “Well Twi, I have some good news, and some bad news.

“Okay? Well, what’s the good news?”

“There was no ambassador from Yakyakistan. It turns out that the princesses were only sitting down for morning tea…”

Twilight dropped her hoof. “Phew! Well, that’s a relief! Okay, what’s the bad news?”

“It seems that you are cordially invited to retaliate against Luna’s teasing with a… prank.” Spike looked up and scratched behind his ear spines. “That’s kind of ominous. Can’t Luna gain access to your dreams whenever she wants?”

Twilight’s eyebrows quickly shot up.

Spike waited a second longer before turning on his heel and striding for the door, tossing the scroll over his shoulder.

“Spike! Where are you going?”

“Anywhere but here. I don’t want any part of it! Make my forwarding address ‘care of the CMC Clubhouse.’”

“… That’s not funny, Spike!”

Author's Note

Howdy folks!

This is lighthearted side story that I decided to let stand as its own story, instead of trying to cram it into the main story of The Amulet of Shades. Chapter one might look familiar if you read The Amulet of Shades, only because it has material that really didn't belong as part of the main plot, only running parallel to it. The main six will feature in The Amulet of Shades, but it was too soon to introduce them just yet. This just happens to take place on the same day as the first several chapters of Amulet. Carry on!