The Tales of Grandmamare Haze

by Gentian

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Princess Celestia, Anthology, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna
Length: 4665

A fun little romp exploring ideas I have of the human military saving ponies from evil.

An episodic, not sequential (so each chapter is a stand-alone story, and you may read them in any order you wish) series, exploring what would happen if the ponies needed our help, and we gave it to them in the way humans are best at: violence. At least that's the idea, I currently have 2 more planned, but we'll see how it goes.

Published 2018-05-01 06:20:08 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-01 06:20:08 UTC

The Human's Fangs

20180501
Tales of Grandmamare Haze: The Human's Fangs

Once upon a time, high above one of the largest mansions in Cloudsdale, Princess Luna's stars twinkled in the night. A soft breeze blew a whisp of cloud in front of the moon, and there, high over Equestria, one could be forgiven for thinking all was well, but in fact, in that same grand house, Equestria's most famous living guardsmare was having a problem.

“Grandmamare, we don't want to go to bed. Will you please tell us a story first?”

“Squall Line, Heavy Hoof, didn't your mother tell you two to sleep?”

“Yes ma'am, but we aren't tired.”

“Maybe not, but don't you want to grow up fast and strong so you can be a good guardsmare and housestallion? You can't do that unless you get your sleep.”

“Pleeeaasssseeee, Grandmamare? We did our homework, and we even ate our fish!-” Heavy Hoof shuddered quietly to himself “-Won't you please tell us a story?”

“Oh...” just look at those big pouty eyes. “All right,” she sighed. “But just one. What would you like to hear?”

“We want to hear one of your war stories!”

“Again?”

“Yeah, from the Great War. Back when there were still other species besides Humans and Ponies on Equus,” said Heavy Hoof.

“And they all tried to kill us!” added Squall Line

“I don't know if those are the kinds of stories you should hear before bed! There are a lot of bad things that happened then.”

“Yeah, but we won in the end, so it's ok.”

“Yeah! Tell us a good one! Tell us about the turning point! Mom says you fought there.”

“The battle of Slender Bridge? I didn't fight in that battle, nopony did. That was the one where the humans fought for us. Well,” she added with a squint. “The first one where they fought for us.”

“But you were there, right?”

“Yes, I was there.”

“Then tell us!”

“Hmmm,” she muses, “All right, but only if you promise to go to bed when it's done.”

“Ok.”

“Yeah, we promise.”

“A promise. All right, then. Now, if you paid attention in school, you know Slender Bridge is the longest bridge in Equestria, and it isn't actually slender at all, it just looks that way because it's so long. In fact, it's wide enough for 12 wagons to cross side by side!

“It's also where the Horde managed to push us back to in the war. It had been our last stop, the last barrier between them, and Canterlot. The river was too broad, too deep, and too fast! They couldn't cross it without the bridge. It was the last, best place where Equestria's depleted might could hope to hold the line, and force a truce.“

“But Grandmamare, Mrs. Flickertail said the Horde was made up of all the other races. The dragons, and changelings, and griffons and stuff. Couldn't they just fly over it?”

“Yes, they could, but the horde wasn't all one giant, integrated army. Each member of the Horde had its own military, all owing fealty to Nightmare Chrysalis, but waging war on Equestria independently. The buffaloes and yaks were strong, and so numerous their herds could stretch all the way to the horizon, but they needed to cross the river to attack Canterlot, so they needed to take the bridge. Besides, do you think Griffons or Dragons would let themselves be used to ferry supplies over the river?”

“Ummm...”

“They wouldn't! Especially the Dragons. They would want to fight, not do 'slave work' as they would call it, so the horde needed a way to move across the water; they needed the bridge!

“Everything was poured into it's defense, Every guardsmare, every weapon, even Princess Luna herself was on her way to lead it's defense, but before she got there, it had already been taken!”

“Oh no!”

“Oh, yes! I was there when the news arrived. Princess Luna returned unannounced. I saw her eyes meet Princess Celestia's in the courtyard, and the silent communication that passed between them. I'll never forget the look of desperation on Princess Celestia's face.”

“She was scarred, Grandmamare? asked Heavy Hoof. “Princess Celestia was scarred?”

“Yes, she was!”

They gasped.

“She stayed strong for us, of course, but there were rumors of defeat in the ranks. Ponies whispering that the Princesses knew the war could not be won. One at a time, our enemies were no match for us, and Equestria's power had kept them at bay for time out of mind; they hated us for it. Now they were united, and under Nightmare Chrysalis it seemed nothing could stop them. And nothing but our total destruction, and the death of all ponykind could satisfy them!

“Oh no!” They gasped together, again.

“I've talked to you before about duty. You remember? Love is duty,” Grandmamare Haze said heavily. “And it was this that kept us fighting. We didn't think we could win, but we couldn't lose! For our Princesses, for our herds, for our stallions and foals, we couldn't give up! If we fell, there would be no more Equestria! No more ponies, “she said, her voice growing small and distant, and a far-away look settling on her face. “No more ponies....

“...But then something else happened.”

“The humans!” cheered Heavy Hoof.

“Shhh, now. Are you telling this story, or am I?”

“Sorry.”

“The humans!” Grandmamare Haze exclaimed. “Equestria still had a friend in them.”

“I said that there were rumors of defeat? Well,there were also rumors of the humans trying to join the fight. That Princess Twilight had a human lover, and not only that, but she was also royalty: none other than the Empress of Mankind, herself! We know that's true, now, but of course, nopony knew that for sure, then. The scuttlebutt was, when the war started, she asked Princess Celestia to accept her help. She claimed she had soldiers, and weapons at her disposal that could turn the war in a moment! But the Princesses refused.”

“Why?”

“Well, you have to understand that nopony understood the humans then. Many ponies were afraid of them, because they're predators. Other ponies thought they'd be useless because they have no magic. Others were afraid that once they came through the portal in force, they'd never leave, and we'd have to fight them, too!”

“But there are still humans here,” said Squall Line.

“You,” said Purple haze, “are a sharp filly!

“Yes, there are humans here, but not many, and none of their soldiers or war machines. The humans saved us, and now their Empress is married to Princess Twilight, but most of them left after the war; only a few are allowed to visit, and fewer still allowed to live here. But some of us do the same in their world, too.”

“Can I visit the human world some day, Grandmamare?”

“Maybe. We're good friends now, and our species are so eerily perfect for one another that we seem almost made for each other, but you have to remember we didn't know that, then. We thought they would be like the griffons, and try to use us, or even conquer us, like those money-loving, long-nosed infiltrators had, time and again. The Princesses were just trying to protect us.

“But that doesn't mean they refused all help. They'd just limited it to logistical aid.”

“Logi..what?”

“Logistics. They gave us food, and medicine, and metal for our weapons and armor, fuel for our forges, things like that. And when I say they gave it to us that's what I mean: they gave it all to us, and didn't ask for anything in return. The portal flared day and night with every manner of thing useful in war passing from Earth to Equus. Every manner of thing but weapons, and soldiers.”

“But the bridge fell anyway. There were just too many,” said Squall Line, matter-of-factly.

“That's right, so, once more, the Princesses and the human retreated behind closed doors. But this time, things were different. There was no hope of victory, and the Princesses knew it. Finally, they agreed to let her bring her military through.”

“Yay!”

“Yes, indeed, children, but remember: we didn't know! Would they help us, or would they devour us, too? We were still afraid of them, but now we were too desperate to refuse.

“So, the logistical shipments continued, but now there were new things in them. Along with the food, and medical supplies, came doctors, and soldiers. Male doctors and soldiers, if you could believe it! We'd heard their gender-roles were backwards, but actually seeing it first-hoof, stallions going to war, well, that was something else!”

“That's so weird! Everypony knows stallions belong in the bedroom or the fie...”

“Hush!” chided Grandmamare Haze, with a rap on the back of her grandfilly's head.

“And they brought machines with them, too,” she continued as though nothing had happened. “The likes of which had never been seen on Equus before. Small machines; they said they were weapons, but they looked neither sharp, nor intimidating. Large machines; weapons themselves, or ways to carry weapons. Too big too fit through the portal, they came piecemeal, and had to be put back together and tested in the fields around Canterlot. It took a long time, and very little had been done, when still more news came!

“The enemy armies were linking up. They were holding at Slender Bridge, and massing, to make a final push through Equestria, to Canterlot. It was sooner than expected, and to make matters worse, our spies told us that Nightmare Chrysalis herself would lead the invasion!

“Our time was up! Circumstance was forcing our hooves. The decision was made, to attack. That if we could retake the bridge, or destroy it, it would slow the enemies advance enough to get more help through from Earth, or to flee there, and seal the portal behind us, if we had to.”

“The humans would let us live in their world?” asked Heavy Hoof.

“They'd probably eat us!” said Squall Line with an impish smirk.

“Yes they did, and no they wouldn't, Squall! In fact, their Empress offered us an entire Continent to ourselves if we lost Equestria. It was called South America, and if I recall, had been empty of undesirable elements for some time, but again, we didn't know that, then! If Equestria fell, and we had every reason to think it would, we would simply have to go, and hope the humans would truly prove to be our friends once we were trapped in their world, and at their mercy, because Nightmare Chrysalis would have showed us none; she'd already declared her intention to kill us all, to the last pony!”

Her grandfoals grew quiet, and sank under the covers, peeking out with huge, rapt eyes.

“But could we do it? Could we even destroy it, much less take the bridge back? We quietly wondered to each other. In those days, few ponies had ever even seen a human, and nopony knew how they made war. We knew that unlike us, they were a predatory species, and some hoped the ferocity it must take to actually kill something, and eat it...”

“Ewww!” hissed Heavy Hoof under his breath.

“...could help, but they had no magic, and there were so few of them who had come through, and their weapons were so strange that they didn't even look like weapons! Could they really make a difference?

“All we could do was hope. It was our only chance. They were our only chance, and we rallied with them to that last, desperate attempt to stop the Chitinous Menace in her tracks!

“So, one day...”

_____________________________

Lieutenant Purple Haze, of the 4th Pegasus Air Cavalry soared through the sky. She didn't like the new helmet she was forced to wear. It was of human design, and while it wasn't as cumbersome as the guards' standard gold-colored item, it did cover her ears completely, and held one of the human's strange machines fast to the side of her head, something called a radio.” She didn't like that, either, or the heavy battery strapped to her newly issued flight vest that came with it, but she had to admit, it was easy to see the kind of advantage such a thing could give.

It was tough to give orders through it audibly, though, unless she slowed to a veritable crawl, or lighted upon a cloud, but who knew, that may happen? And this was a human attack, anyway, led by a human: Major Johnston, so he wouldn't be flying in the open air, anyway, and she could always fall back on those tried and true Air-Cav hoof-signals if she had to.

Despite its tight fit, the wind gusted between her helmet and fur, and whistled in her ears. Her mane whipped and rapped noisily against her armor, but she could still hear them before she saw them.

Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump...

She looked toward the sound, and saw 7 of the human's flying machines approaching. What were they called? Helicopters? Yeah, that's sounds right. There was 1 skinny helicopter, and 6 fatties; if she remembered correctly, that means 1 Super Cobra, and 6 Ear...Eara...Eara-somethings. Huey's are what the humans called them, even though they officially had a different name.

She did like that. Easy to remember, easy to say. “Huey's,” she forced herself to smile. At least it's a catchy name.

The humans had managed to get 14 helicopters through the portal, and the fuel and weaponry to use them before the attack had been ordered. Nobody had seen the humans in action yet, and nobody knew what their weapons could do, or if 14 of their war machines, and a few platoons of Marines would be enough to matter, but Slender Bridge had fallen, and there was no more time to wait.

The 12 Huey's and 2 Super Cobras had been broken in to 2 teams for the assault: Group Namako, and Group Shimapan. Nopony knew what the names meant, but some of the humans snickered every time they heard them, while some others groaned; annoyed or embarrassed, who knew? Humans are weird.

Humans are weird, thought Lt. Haze to herself, but they are putting their lives at risk to help us. Nopony really knew why, either. They are a predatory species, anypony could tell that with a glance at their binocular vision, and pointed teeth, and weren't ponies prey? There were rumors, of course, of a romance between Princess Twilight and some important human, but dutiful guardsmare's didn't speculate about such things.

The plan was to attack the enemy from the air, on both sides of the river, with the Huey's, land, and disembark a small force to create a beachhead. The human army, “Marines,” she verbally corrected herself, recalling they got rather testy when another guardsmare made the same mistake, would attack the near side of the river, where the first part of the captured Equestrian fort stood. They had left a few days ago to march there with the Equestrian army, which would hold back and only provide assistance if requested, and if the attack were successful, would also provide the occupying force for the fortress. The humans were strangely insistent about doing this on their own, though, thought Lt. Haze to herself, they must really want to show us their fangs.

During the landing, the Super Cobra's would conduct security to keep the beachhead force from being overrun, along with some things called mortars, mark 19's, and ma-deuces whatever the hay those were, which would somehow help in this despite being on the other side of the river from where the fighting was going on. The terms indirect fire and suppressing fire were mentioned quite a bit, and while they were explained to her, if she were being honest with herself, she had a hard time believing a weapon could be used to destroy something from hundreds of meters away!

Meanwhile the Huey's would fly back and forth over the water, ferrying more Marines until a sizable enough force had been amassed to attack the bridge fortress' other half from behind. The human's called it a pincer, and said the only reason they were attempting something so dangerous in this scenario was because they would need to recapture the fort with minimal damage to it in order to use it to hold the bridge against any counterattack by the horde.

Equestrian forces were to remain in reserve during this, too, and observe. Pegasus Air-Cav had been particularly cautioned to remain well back, and to not fly over the combat area unless absolutely necessary due to the risk of Blue on Blue.

It sounded crazy to her, but the humans had so many things nopony had ever seen, like the device in her helmet letting her talk to her allies, and could do things nopony thought possible, like make giant metal machines fly, and do it all without magic on top of everything else. Maybe, just maybe, they could do this, too? She could almost dare to hope.

But how did they get here so fast? The order had been sent out about an hour ago. If they had come all the way from Canterlot already, they had to be much faster than any pegasus, except maybe the famous Rainbow Dash. But even then, they were flying level, while Rainbow Dash needed to be in a dive to reach the speed which had made her a household name. Yet, here they come.

A moment later she signaled to the pilots, and she and her flight pulled up beside them. Or tried to; they really were that fast! After a few moments the pilots of the Huey's seemed to understand, and slowed down enough for their pegasus escort to stay at their flank.

The humans and pegai flew southeast together, 300 meters above the gently rolling forest. Purple thought it was a nice altitude, with plenty of visibility, yet close enough to easily see activity on the ground. The human pilots had complained it was too high, and that it would expose them to “anti-air” fire, until they learned their adversary wasn't expected to have any.

Changelings gryphons and dragons could fly, of course, and potentially intercept them, but the garrison was entirely yaks and buffaloes. At least until the other armies arrived, which was another reason to attack now: total air superiority. Both Pegai and humans could appreciate how important that was. That's something we have in common, she thought.

Ahead, the plumes of smoke from the Horde's fires grew closer, blacking out the sky; only a couple thousand meters now. Through her helmet's radio the order came: pegai units were to make distance, observe, and await the summons to assist in the attack, if it came.

Obediently she signaled to her flight-mates, and they veered to the right. The whirling blades of the Iroquois grew more distant, but their rhythmic thump thump thump was still easily audible over the wind whistling in her ears.

“Is it time to let the dinks know we're coming?” someone asked over the radio.

“That's affirmative. You are a-go for the Wagner,” she heard Major Johnston answer, then, unexpectedly, a new sound blared, nay, sang out above din.

“What the...music?” One of her flight-mates said. That was Fortunate Sun's voice, she'd have to talk to her again about unnecessary radio traffic. But she was right, it was music, coming from yet another strange machine mounted to the helicopters. A megaphone, wasn't that what they'd called it?

The pilot of the nearest Huey, Captain Kilgore, saw her watching and gave a thumbs up, through the windscreen. “I love the sound of Wagner in the morning,” he said into his mike. “Sounds like victory!” Nonplussed, Purple Haze waved back.

“They have to be able to hear that on the ground,” one of her ponies signed.

“Yes,” she signaled back. She suspected that was the idea. Apparently, even humans had battle music, but should they really let the enemy know they were coming? Against such a large force as it was reputed to be, didn't they need every advantage they could get? Their confidence at least, was inspiring.

She looked back at the helicopters to her left. The pilots were now focused on the Neihkong river below. The swath its meandering path cut through the trees suddenly opened into a broad delta, and at last she saw it clearly: the encampment. The remains of the Equestrian fort was being busily repaired, and on the other side, the Horde's tents seemed to stretch for miles beneath the loose tree cover.

“So many,” she gasped, despite herself. Fuck! She hoped her radio didn't catch that, but Merciful Celestia, she thought, there's no way we can win against that. This is suicide! Her instincts rose. Prey instincts, telling her to bolt, to run, that's what equines do! Run, regroup, and live another day! But there was nowhere left to run. No time. An uncertain glance down at her necklace, braided from locks of hair from the manes of her herd mates, reminded her of her duty, and she felt resolve harden inside her. Love...love is duty; we must try. “For you, my loves.” she whispers to herself, rubbing her chin on the soft plait.“ May our sacrifice give you the time you need to flee, and Celestia bless these humans for willingly dying with us, to protect you.”

“Target acquired.” The voice of Captain Kilgore snaps her out of her reverie. Voices of confirmation cascaded through her headset.

This is it. Celestia help us, let's see what these humans can do.”

“Group Namako, Prepare to fire,” said Major Johnston, and another series of voices confirmed weapons were active. “You may fire at will.”

“Team Namako, fire on my mark...” that was Captain Kilgore again. The door gunner smiled and gave her another thumbs up, then leaned away, deeper into his helicopter, and put his hands to the sides of his helmet like he was covering his ears. “...Open Fire!”

Suddenly, as the music reached a crescendo(1:48), great blasts of flame and fury erupted from the fat pods on the sides of the helicopters, each one giving her a thump in her chest and flash of heat as it took to the sky, even from dozens of meters away. Fire is right! The great, blunt lances the humans brought with them, Hydra Rockets, she'd heard them called, leaped from their tubes and rode forth on tails of flame, and their roar was deafening!

Their Super Cobra held back, but all 7 of the Iroquois cast their missiles together; 133 of them, half their compliment, arced through the sky! She watched, open mouthed in shock as they quickly shrank to invisibility, and burst where they hit, walking across the enemies' encampment, disintegrating it in roiling pillars of dirt, and death.

“Sweet Celestia,” somepony said over the radio. Was that...Princess Luna's voice? But this was only the beginning.

As Namako's helos flew over the Yak's encampment, the door gunners opened fire. Miniguns, she'd heard them called. They roared, and screamed and spat thin red lines of death from their maws. They spat into buildings, they spat into tents, and they spat into clusters of yak and buffalo soldiers attempting to rally, turning them to pulp. Their deadly beams flew through the air, deceptively smooth and twisting, shredding everything in their way until slamming into the ground, and scattering in a thousand directions like dandelion fluff in a hurricane.

She now understood why they were told to stay back!

Suddenly, their helicopters were beyond the encampment, gaining altitude rapidly, and making a slow, wide turn back the way they'd come.

“Group Shimapan, prepare to fire...” and from the southwest, to compliment Namako's own from the northwest, another wave of Hydra's tore through the sky, and threw themselves amidst the now panicking bovine ranks.

Before the smoke had even cleared, Major Johnston was on the radio again: “Group Namako, phase 2 primary, execute.”

Quickly, their squadron completed it's turn, and headed back toward the Horde. As they drew nearer, she heard the Marines had started their assault on the west landing of the bridge, taking breaching charges to its gate. Were they the other bangs she'd heard? So much was happening at once it was hard to keep track, even though she knew the plan. The Horde must have no idea what in Tartarus was going on!

Two of the Iroquois broke from the formation and swooped to the ground. They landed in the narrow shallows of the river, the only flat, tree-less ground available, and disgorged their cargo: a squad of combat engineers, and another of infantry.

They charged eastward, toward the broad, flat area of the far bank that held the sparsest tree coverage. The yaks and buffaloes saw them, and charged, too, putting their heads down to gore the humans, and trample them underhoof. The infantry opened fire with their own small weapons, dropping the cows in their tracks. One of the humans shouted something about “Philly Cheese Steaks,” and another laughed about “sirloins and bleu cheese dressing.”

The Engineers rushed onto the bank, winding thin, brightly colored ropes around the trunks of the standing trees, while their infantry escorts shot down anything that tried to attack them. Round and round, back and forth they ran, trailing their thin rope behind them, then fleeing back to the safety of the shallows. A moment later those same thin ropes erupted in flames and a frightful bang, throwing fragments of wood and dirt into the air, and felling the whole copse at once!

“Team Shimapan, go!”

The other flight of helicopters swooped in, long ropes suspending below them, then swooped out, dragging the fallen trees out of the way.

Namako's remaining 4 helicopters then set down in the newly made clearing, while the initial 2, which had landed the engineers and their security, took up screening operations with the Super Cobras. The third, carrying Major Johnston continued flying about so he could observe and direct his forces. 2 platoons of Marines threw themselves into the battle on the east side, and no sooner had the last of Namako group returned to the sky, than Group Shimpan began to land and discharge its own cargo of warriors.

Back up they went, then, and off to the west to join Namako in picking up another wave of Marines to ferry across the river. The Cobra's continued to screen the humans from the Horde to the east, but it soon became clear there was no need; their army was already broken, no counterattack was coming.

The Equestrian forces never had to engage, and the human Marines never had to execute their pincer maneuver; the surviving members of the Horde's garrison, all on the east side, as the west had already fallen, with no prisoners taken, were now shocked, demoralized, savaged, and outnumbered; they quickly surrendered.

The sound, fury, and the surprise of the Marine Corps had been too much, and the largest, mightiest army in the history of Equus had been routed, from a fortified position by a force of comparably infinitesimal size, and not a single human, or pony had been lost in the battle.

_____________

“Is that when they made you an Admiral, Grandmamare?”

“No, children, that's not when.”

“Well, then what happened next?”

“Well, then,” she said, giving them each a kiss. “It was time for all good fillies and colts to get their sleep. You promised.”

They looked at each other forlornly, at last sighing out a “Yes ma'am.”

“Good. Ante omnia armari, and all honorable ponies keep their word. I'm proud of you. If you're good, I'll tell you another story from the Great War, tomorrow night.”

“Really? Swell!”

“Really,” Purple Haze said, trotting toward the door. “Good night, children,” and she blew out the lamp.