Author's Note
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
...
ANNOUNCEMENT!
I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!
SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!
The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publishing company. It's also now available at Amazon, Inkitt.com and BarnesandNoble
...
...
https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963
Above is a link to amazon for my book
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966
Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book
https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898
Above is a link to Xilbris for my book
https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373
Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/
Above is a link to my Linkedin account
https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/
Above is a link to my Tumblr account
https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90
Above is a link to my facebook account
https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2
Above is a link to my Patreon account
.......
If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911
...
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?
Love me, flame me, review me
Intro and Stone age
Anthro/Ponypology relationships 101
...
The new professor walks into his classroom, he kisses thew pictures of his wife and then of his parents Wendy and Mason for luck and turns to his collage class to begin his lecture...
It has been greatly debated from the highest of academia to the lowest of grade school playgrounds...what would've happened had not the 'harmony comet' hit earth during the Precambrian era 600 million years ago...?
Would magic still have come to our world?...would pony and humans still walk the earth together? Or would humanity be forced to walk alone, relying on nothing but wits, science and the hope that without magic our good friends the dragons would've died out from the Chicxulub asteroid...rather then survive and make humans an easy snack without pony assistance...
Sadly, we might never know...the closest will get I fear is through the various 'what-if' alternate history books that seem to be everywhere these days(1)...
...
But never mind that...let's begin our story...
...Chapter 1, Stone age...
The dumb, naked neanderthal boy shrugged as he watched another of his tribe get eaten by a 'lizard-from-sky', "Ugh Oot Abba wah!"(better him then me). he went back to work banging rocks together to make a better billy club...suddenly sparks! Fly off the stone and ignite twig!
Cave boy jump back startled...but...he come back...and bang rocks again...more sparks! More burn-burn like 'Lizards-from-sky' puke! Boy get excited and bang more rocks together...now stick on fire!
...2001 space odyssey theme plays...
Boy excitedly throws burning stick in air...it hit monolith who tribe place in center and worship...
BAM!
(Music abruptly halts)
Monolith falls over and crush half of tribe!
Cave boy then invents 'whistle and walk away, acting innocent' maneuver...While wiping off sweat from weird birthmark on head...he walks past water just as pretty, purple Unicorn girl climbs out of the sea and steps on steps foot on land for the first time...she shakes all the water out of her fur then looks up to see Cave boy...his nudity immediately filled her with revulsion... and pity(2).
The boy takes one look at Unicorn girl and reacts the only way he deems feasible; "WOMAN!" Shouts Cave boy as he runs after her to knock her on head and drag her back to his cave...and make her his wife-
Unicorn screams in panic, suddenly fearing for her virtue as she frantically runs away...at first she's quicker and almost gets away...then she runs into a dead end. She presses herself up against the walls fearful, Cave boy advances gleefully.
Panicked, this unicorn becomes the first to use magic in the history of the world-
ZAP!
GAH!
-Through exploding male genitals.
Boy wimpers and falls to the ground clutching his groin in agony, "Ugh! Wah! BAH!(Why you do that!?)"
Unicorns, shocked at what she just did...quickly gets over it to snarl at him, "Woo! HA! NAh! Bah!(You were trying to attack and rape me!)
Cave boy retorts, "Yah! Hubba! wah-wah! KAPPa! Lu-lu! pee-pee! Kaa-kaa!"(That is a very offensive stereotype! I was just going to take you back home and share my lunch with you, get to know you, and if we hit if. Suggest you marry me, since you clearly stranger in strange land! You don't know customs, how to gather food, or how to avoid giant lizards that fly in sky and breath fire! Do you even have a cave to live in and keep the rain off your head?)
Unicorn looked baffled, "Woo-woo wah-wah?" (By chasing me with club, bashing head in and dragging me back to your home against my will?")
Cave boy glares, "Woop woop! Weeb weeb, wah-wah!"(That tradition of land! my father do that to meet ma and his father before him! It how neighbors and countrymen get wives! It's how I was taught and educated!") But boy then gets thoughtful look, "Wee-wee"(but when you say it out-loud like that, i guess I can see the how a cultural misunderstanding can erupt...perhaps it wouldn't kill me to reconsider my upbringing and ponder if it's truly ethical or not.) He concedes.
Unicorn looks at boy thoughtful...before she could say anything...she saw that they weren't alone. The rest of the tribe...originally following the boy to beat him for killing half the tribe...then they followed to see the boy kill this strange yet beautiful creature...and then they saw her summon lightining to castrate the boy...so naturally they bowing and worshiping the newcomer...
The unicorn...had a thought on this, "Wug-wug! Woo-woo huba-huba!(First of all, you men cover yourselves! your genitals are freakishly small and so darn ugly!)
And thus...the 'gift' of shame was discovered by the human males...they covered their nudity embarrassed, while the newly 'enlightened' women laughed at them...only furthering their shame...
Unicorns thinks to herself, "ru-ru-ru, ma-ma mut." (note to self: do not let power go to head)...
...one day later...
The purple unicorn laughed as her fellow unicorns whipped the humans to force them to build statues in her honor... "Wuht, whut. Say-say."( Okay...I lied)
...
And thus, the age of pony dominance over humans began...well, mostly. For while the unicorn tribes did the stereotypical tyrannic monarchy...the pegasus and earth ponies took a slightly different path...
The Pegasus society was largely militaristic/meritocracy, so although they enslaved humans as well, they gave them every opportunity to earn their freedom...through gladiatorial combat!
...Needless to say...between their superior strength and the power of flight...it was rare for humans to win...but for those who did...they became the stuff of legend...but that's a story for another time...
And Earth pony society was more socialist, as long as you worked for the good of the community and helped bring the harvest in before winter, you were welcomed with equal rights! Be you pony or human!
...Although, there were still constant threats to castrate the human males if they didn't cover their 'shame'.
...Footnotes...
(1)Be it a 'A pony In King Arthur's court', 'Pastwatch: the Redemption of Chancellor Puddinghead', 'Abraham Lincoln: Pony hunter'...I'm partial to 'Stallion in the High Castle' myself...
(2) Such mature topics are best covered in Madam Trotting's controversial yet intellectually stimulating thesis: 'Of Mares and Men: 'Let's be honest, us girls only sleep with HUMAN guys because we pity how tiny and ugly their genitals are'.
...
TO BE CONTINUED?
