"I am going to punish you for all your impertinences by being as tedious, as discursive, as incoherent and as unsatisfactory as possible." He shouted. "So be ready in the future." He then cautioned.
"Uh huh." Nodded Chrysalis, unsure of what to make of this bipedal creature before her.
"You've been warned about the mellons of miscommunication and indirect fire support weaponry of the Gogal Empire. Be braced for the lengthy excursion by which I take my simple idea and stretch it to length beyond reason, interluding it with off topic value from unrelated unprofessional conversation meant only to bide time." He continued with his tirade. "You will listen as the pickle sandwich is loaded and fired, as the torrent of stupidity and ill-mannered flow! I don't doubt you're wondering "What of the salmon?" Well concern yourself no more. They will get theirs in due time."
It all started like any other Thursday for Ole Crazy Dave, or Daniel "Al" Harrington. A once decent salesman and author. Now, a man wrecked by severe mental illness, too many to account really. Hallucinations, paranoia and massive confusion all made up Crazy Dave's regular life, his day to day. Left alone in his small home, near the edge of town, he wandered like a vagabond, unable to rest. One would feel pity for the man, if only he still didn't have a wit about him and a tongue like a razor.
So naturally, when he saw a swirling vortex or color, he thought about the meds he could neither afford nor remember to take. Thus, he ignored it and walked forward. Forward into another dimension, a truly marvelous experience. If not for the fact that he often saw such vivid sights on a daily basis. Were one might explore, chart, establish interdimensional relations... Dave only thought to steal a wheelchair, the shiny one the crab in his head told him to take. Because it was indeed shiny, polished steel and sweet black leather... Now I want it!
"I am lost, looking for reason as to why the ham sings bird. Why the bus stop is blue but the bus is red. Why Roanoke island lay isolated despite the great secret. What cannibal confusion awaits the hunger of those left behind. But damnit all, I had forgotten all about the space whales of dimension 21c and their predator the space whalers who for as long as I can recall have chased them with the sole purpose of bring about their extinction!" He rambled on, eyes darting around. "Damn what folly to forget the forged steel of Brutus who in slaying his emperor became a famous traitor, even though in his eyes it was the emperor who did so to betray him and Rome. Now about being lost, yes, it started with a wheelchair and this yellow cat. Or was it a pony? I forget, since I have been lost for some time now. What year is it even? Doesnt matter, its important you dont interupt me!"
Chrysalis only stared on, almost amused, if not for how unsettled she felt. She would rather relive losing her hive than be stuck with this creature.
"Now, about this pony or cat that came before me as I salvaged this wheelchair. Yes, it is clear to me now like yeasterday. Thats a baking pun you know, the pink pony told me that one. I laughed with much merth as she related it to me. My salvage in tow." He chuckled then abruptly stopped, deadpan and nearly vacant.
"But that is when the wretched fiend appeared before me and stole from me my prize! Damn them, how they took it with them places I dont know. Reminds me of the time I ate this colored candy, at least I thought it was a candy, might have been a pill now that I think about it. The terrible visions I saw, how horrid." He trailed off, confused and slightly leaning to one side.
"Now, as I was saying, this purple dolphin... or was it a cow? This purple creature spoke to me about a collection of books I had found laying about and was dropping off, and how some of them were suggestive material. How she would consider pornographic magazines suggestive is heyond me! Anyway, I found this quant wheelchair. I think to myself, I must have it! Oh the things I can do with it!" He wobbled in place, smiled and straightened himself out.
"I shall take it, as it has clearly been abandoned nearby this hospital, and shall use it for invention! Needlessly I was taken abash by the apperation of this light blue flying house! Or was it mouse? Now hold your thoughts!" He held up a finger to Chrysalis mouth before she could open it. "I am not finished!"
She nodded and made a gesture with her hoof zipping her lips.
"I was being chased by this flying creton who sought to know my business with the wheelchair, oh how I loathed explaination! So I take it upon myself to ditch her! I flee quickly, avoiding the flying beast with obstructions that do so obstruct a fliers line of sight! I escaped, running into an orange mule... no thats not right! It must've been a giant bee! Only orange." He mimed himself running away.
"It proceded to relay my location to the one of flight, and soon I found myself outnumbered! I dare say, I almost lost my wits! Had it not been for the sage wisdom and advice of my dear old friend Zardoz. I made great haste throwing napkins about confusing and distracting my persuers. The wit of it made me smile. I took my treasure and fled the scene. Thus meeting the pink one who told me that good joke." He concluded.
"So, you stole a wheelchair, escaped the Elements of Harmony, and actually bothered to tell me all about it. Why?" Chrysalis questioned.
"Yeah, pretty much. That does seem to sum it up. Except for the elements thingy there... You see, it was actually five ponies. Yes it's quite alright, I make that mistake all the time." He nodded.
"Okay then..." Chrysalis gritted her teeth a bit, more fed up with the creature than afraid. "Where is it then?"
"Where is what?" He replied, looking around.
"The wheelchair." She barely avoided shouting.
"Oh that... yeah. As I was saying!"
"AHHHH!" She groaned loudly.
"That is when the yellow one stole it away and I gave chase. Becoming lost to this forest of unrelenting flora and deadly fuana. Now I should run into you, green creature with insectoid wings and holes about your limbs. Tell me, what have you to say of this discursion? Dont answer that! I am punishing someone right now, and by the nine they shall know it! I shall make as little sense as possible given my oddly sensible nature. How fiendish I am not to ponder the loss of my fish, not the contraption I sought to repurpose. No, I am now exploring about this wood in search of an exit in which I might reaquint myself with... I dont know!" He raved, once more gaining an unhinged look about him.
"I have forgotten who or what I was supposed to be with by now. How crude to have misplaced such a thought! Now I must go and think on this... Oh, seems I wont be doing any thinking. This tree seems to have sprouted a mouth and has taken me in its grip. It seems I will now perish, my last thought dwelling on how rude that narrator has been. Until we meet again in purgatory or as the green one has called it "Tartarus" you old fickle bastard whose name I have forgotten!" He chided as he vanished into the trunk of the living tree.
Chrysalis stood there, dumbfounded. Just who or what the hive he was talking about, she couldn't fathom. She was just glad he had shut up.
"Hold on, is that Chrysalis?" Came a mares voice from behind her.
"Oh great!" Chrysalis whined as she took off.
Oddly enough, she could still hear that creatures voice as he mumbled something. Crazy wasn't contagious was it?
Author's Note
Yep, one of these. This one was inspired by an actual conversation! True story.
