Maybe we don't like to cover our natural scent
In the general din of the bar, the thing that stood out the most was the pervading scent of cigarette smoke and stale beer. Unicorn Frappuccino squinted. Was this the place? Apparently. Bracing herself for the worst, she walked inside.
When Unicorn had mentioned to Minty Mocha that she felt lonely, her best friend had been quick to suggest this bar – “a good place for picking up stallions”, she’d said. Unicorn wasn’t sure she’d quite understood what she was looking for.
Still, I’m here now, she thought. And as her eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom of the place, it didn’t seem so bad. To the right there was a bar, with a ponies sitting at it, sipping at their drinks; to her left, Unicorn could see a smattering of tables; and straight ahead there was a dance floor, with a few ponies dancing – if you could call it that – to the music. But more importantly, there were stallions, and lots of them; there was no way she could mess this up.
The smell of the place even started to get a bit more tolerable after a while. But only a bit.
Unicorn trotted up to the bar, and ordered a rum and cola. She wasn’t normally much of a drinker of either alcohol or soda, but she had to make sure she came across as fun to everypony else. Nopony likes the mare drinking water. As the glass was given to her, she gave the brown liquid inside a sniff; the smell of the alcohol seemed to pierce her nose, and she almost gagged. She bit her lip and stared into the glass. I’ll just hold onto it for now, and drink it in a bit.
She looked up and down the bar, and then selected her first target. A white unicorn sat alone, glancing around the room and looking almost as unsure as Unicorn herself. Perfect. She slowly slid towards him, like a snake scenting a mouse on the wind.
“Hey there,” she began.
“Oh, hey,” he said.
It was at this point that Unicorn Frappuccino realised she had no idea how to talk to stallions.
“So, err...” Perhaps she ought to say something witty. “Have we met before, because you look a lot like my ex-boyfriend.”
“What?”
It was only then that Unicorn realised what she’d said. “Wait! Next boyfriend, I meant. Next boyfriend. You look a lot like my next boyfriend.” She gave a little smile to try and mask how horribly she’d screwed that up. He probably wouldn’t notice.
The stallion just stared at her for a few moments, as though he couldn’t decide whether to be endeared or horrified. A couple of seconds of awkward silence passed, before he let out a little chuckle.
Nailed it.
“Hi,” he said. “I’m Snow Cone. It’s nice to meet you.”
Unicorn smiled too, although internally she was struggling to remain calm. She was totally out of her depth. “I’m Unicorn Frappuccino. It’s nice to meet you too! So, what’s a stallion like you doing in a place like this?”
“Heh, I’m here with a friend. Sorry I’m being kind of antisocial, but I’m not good with large crowds.”
“Oh no, I absolutely know what you mean,” Unicorn agreed. “This isn’t my natural habitat either.”
They both laughed a little. This is going really well, she thought.
Snow Cone lifted his glass off the bar and up to his face. It was nearly empty, and he drained it in a single gulp.
“Here, I’ll buy you another”, Unicorn offered. That seemed like a nice thing to do.
“Thanks.” He smiled at her, and she smiled back. This really is going well! She turned around and raised a hoof to get the bartender’s attention.
With her back turned, however, she wasn’t able to see what was happening to Snow Cone. As soon as she’d raised her foreleg, a foul smell, almost visible even in the semi-darkness, had been released. Like the tentacles of an awful monster, they writhed and slithered out from her armpit, and towards poor Snow Cone. Even though it took him a second to notice it, the stench hit him with the force of an atomic bomb.
His face immediately contorted in agony. His hooves shot up to try and block his nostrils, but to no avail. He swooned, and fell backwards off his stool, onto the floor. He lay there for a moment, stunned, but soon the odour found him once again. He jumped to his hooves, and made a beeline for the exit.
Unicorn hadn’t noticed any of this. With the new drink suspended in her magic, she turned back to Snow Cone.
“Here’s your dri-”
There was nopony there.
“Well, that was rude,” she said to herself, feeling more than a little disheartened. Why would he just take off like that? She waited for a while in case he’d just gone to the toilet, but he never returned. I really thought things were going well, she thought. Oh well, I guess I’d better see who else is around.
She didn’t know what to do with the drink. She briefly considered drinking it herself, but it smelled far too fruity and sweet. A single sip confirmed her suspicions; it was like drinking sugar.
Instead, she set it down and headed off towards the dance floor. There must be some nice stallions around here somewhere.
She weaved between the ponies dancing, not really into it. Turning suddenly, she almost ran straight into a blue earth pony stallion, standing alone.
“Sorry,” he said.
“No no, it’s fine. It was my fault anyway. I’m Unicorn Frappuccino.”
“I’m Wet Starfish.”
“Hey, Wet.” She feigned a laugh: “Heh, I’m not really one for dancing.”
“I’m usually not too bad,” he said, “I’m just not feeling this song.”
“Oh yeah, I know what you mean,” Unicorn said, even though she totally didn’t.
Right on cue, the music ended and a new song started playing. This one was a lot faster.
“Yeah, this is more like it,” Wet said, and began moving his body to the rhythm. Unicorn decided she might as well join him.
She started waving her body, emulating what he was doing. He laughed, and leant towards her as they both danced. Unicorn could smell his aftershave as they moved. Hey, I think he likes me.
Wanting to take the lead a little, Unicorn decided she ought to improvise some dance moves of her own. She lifted one of her forelegs up in the air and shook it around a bit, hoping it would look energetic.
Wet, however, suddenly stopped moving. His eyes stared, transfixed, at nothing.
“Err... Wet? Are you alright?”
He didn’t respond, even when she waved a hoof in front of his face. Should I get somepony...?
Then, without warning, he keeled over and fell onto the floor.
Oh horsefeathers, is he dead? What happened?
Many of the ponies dancing nearby had noticed too. They crowded round, whispering to each other.
“Hey, what’s going on? What did you do?” One of the members of staff pushed into the middle of the throng. She glared accusingly at Unicorn. “What did you do to him?”
“Me? I didn’t do anything! He just fell over!” She raised a hoof defensively.
That proved to be a mistake.
The mare’s eyes rolled back into her head, and she too collapsed as Unicorn’s armpit stench hit her. A collective gasp went through the assembled ponies. Several of the onlookers near the front of the crowd received a lesser dose of the stink, making their eyes bulge and water.
All it took was for somepony to yell something about poison gas, and the whole place descended into chaos. Glasses were thrown, chairs were overturned, ponies fought each other, as they all scrambled to the exits. Unicorn tried to shout an explanation over the pandemonium, but it seemed as though mass hysteria was shouting quite a bit louder.
Within a minute, the place was empty, except for a single, dejected mare, and two unconscious ponies.
And this, kids, is why you should always take regular showers.
Author's Note
They told me I couldn't write a story based around 'body odour'...
But I didn't listen!
