Man's Not Hot

by Quick Maffs

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Self Insert
Length: 1188

Man gets hot, isn't hot

Do you ever feel hot? Well this man, Big Shaq, the one and only, isn't. He's never hot. And he's about to be put to the test.

Trigger warnings: Very quick maff, Shaqqcent, and a not hot man.

Published 2018-05-08 14:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-08 14:40:06 UTC

Never Hot

It was approaching midday in the land of Equestria. Foals were outside playing, mares and stallions alike were either taking their lunch break or purchasing various goods from the town marketplace. All across the nation, the weather was scheduled for clear skies. It was a nice day.

The capital of said nation, Canterlot, was no different. This didn’t go unnoticed by Twilight Sparkle, who smiled as she led her new friend, a bipedal creature who calls himself ‘Big Shaq’, through the city to meet her old mentor, Princess Celestia.

Big Shaq, however, was more interested in the fact that he was in an entirely different dimension. “Man’s interdimensional now, fam,” he says to himself with a smile.

Twilight looks back to her smiling friend. “We’re almost there!” She says. “I’m sure you’ll love Princess Celestia.”

Big Shaq looked to his guide. “Ye ye, my body is ready, fam.”

Inside Canterlot castle, more specifically, inside the throne room, sat the horse of the sun herself, Princess Celestia. Beside her sat her sister, the horse of the moon, Princess Luna. They were both talking about the new arrival to Equestria that Celestia’s former student and most recent princess of Equestria had met and informed them about.

Their discussion was very routine, similar to that of a discussion before meeting a new foreign diplomat. They wanted to make good first impressions, for obvious reasons. A new species is a big enough deal, but a new intelligent species, that’s something neither of them had witnessed in centuries.

While they were practicing their greetings amongst themselves, one of the day guards approached them, gaining their attention. “Princesses, the human has arrived with Princess Twilight.” he said with a bow.

Both princessed nodded and Celestia spoke. “Thank you, please show them in.”

The guard bowed before turning and trotting through the throne room doors.

Celestia looks to her lunar counterpart. “This is it, sister. Let’s give a good impression.”

“A bit fancy for my taste,” Big Shaq states to himself as he continues following his purple horse guide. They had just entered the castle and were traversing the halls in search of the throne room.

“Honestly, I feel the same way. But I grew up around it, so it’s just normal for me.” Twilight responded.

Twilight then recalled a subject she wanted to bring up with her companion. It had come up briefly but she didn’t have time to ask for elaboration. “So, you said you’re proficient with math?”

Big Shaq, the one and only, nodded. “Big man do big maffs.”

Twilight cringed inwardly yet smiled outwardly. “Wonderful! Do you mind if I put you to the test?”

“Do you see me shiverin’ ‘n that? No. Man’s not shook. Man’s protected-ed, fam,” he answered.

“Alright, let’s start off easy.” she said. “What’s two plus tw-”

“Four.” Big Shaq answered immediately.

Twilight looked back in shock. “Wha… But how did you know I wasn’t finished?”

“Man’s quick, yeah? I told you’s, man’s not shook.”

Twilight shook her head in a vain attempt to alleviate her forming headache. “Alright, how about this; forty-two times sixty-seven plus one-hundred-two?”

Less than half a second after she finished her sentence, Big Shaq responded with a tone of absolute certainty. “Two-thousand nine-hundred and sixteen,” he grinned. “Gon’ hafta try harder than that to get me, fam. Ya get me?”

Twilight gave him a sly grin. “Don’t worry, I’ll stump you yet.” She turned back to watch where she was going to find that they were approaching the throne room doors. “Oh! Here we are!”

Big Shaq gazed upon the unrealistically tall and incredibly fancy doors. “Ye bruv, I can tell we in da right place, fam. It’s has dat artsy ting, yeah.”

Twilight glared back at him. “‘Dat artsy ting’ happens to be made out of the purest gold and gems in all of Equus and carefully crafted by the most talented mages of the time over six-hundred years ago.”

Big Shaq then met Twilight’s gaze with his own. “Wha’ever fam. Dat ting is just a door.”

Twilight raised her hoof to retort, but instead groaned. “Nevermind...” she said. Then she trotted up to a guard and spoke, “Excuse me, could you let the princesses know we’re here?” The guard then nodded and walked into the throne room.

Twilight then turned back to Big Shaq, smiling. “We should be let in in a few moments.” She then takes a closer look at her friend. “Hey Shaq, why do you wear that jacket all the time? It’s the middle of spring.”

“Man’s not hot,” he says as he zips up his jacket a tad.

“But, ho-” Twilight started before getting interrupted by the one and only Big Shaq.

“Babes, man’s not hot,” he said with unrivaled finality.

The guard comes back out and holds the door open. “The princesses will see you now.” he stated with the signature day guard expression.

The two walked through the doors and into the throne room. Big Shaq looked around, noticing the stained glass windows and silently admiring them. He then lowered his gaze and locked eyes with the sun goddess horse.

He leans down to his purple companion and whispers, “That girl is a uckers...”

The princess of the sun had seen, heard, and done many things. She’s learned to be the most calm and level headed being on the planet. But for some reason unknown to her, she lost it. She heard this new creature say something, she wasn’t sure what, but it baffled and angered her to her very core.

She charged her horn, blinded by rage, and unleashed a very large and very hot beam of magic at the newcomer.

He stood back up and looked directly at the beam with an unwavering expression. And as suddenly as any teleportation spell could happen, the human who once stood in the room, was gone in a flash of light.

A few seconds go by as Celestia realized what she had done. She looked upon the burned circle on the floor with horror. “I… I... ”

She couldn’t get the words out. She flared her wings and propeled herself to a nearby balcony and looked up at the sun and saw exactly what she was afraid of seeing. The confident yet stoic face of Big Shaq was etched in what appeared to be burn marks across the surface of the sun.

“What have I done?” she says to herself.

It was bright, but not for him. It was hot, but not for him.

Big Shaq, the one and only, found himself standing in what appeared to be an endless field of flames. He gazed around, seeing nothing but the field. Looking up and past the haze caused by the flames, he saw a blue and green planet in the sky. It wasn’t Earth, that was evident. He can do math quick enough to realize he was standing on the surface of the sun.

Slightly frowning at his current situation, he zipped up his jacket all the way.

“Man’s not hot,” he said to himself. “Never hot.”