The Reptile Map

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Cheerilee, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starlight Glimmer, Spike, Comedy
Length: 3417

Seeing as how the Friendship Map is pretty much summoning everyone to solve problems these days, why not give a chance to the most unlikely candidate you can possibly think of? How about... Gummy, for instance? Set straight after The Parent Map.

Seeing as how the Friendship Map is pretty much summoning everyone to solve problems these days, why not give a chance to the most unlikely candidate you can possibly think of? How about... Gummy, for instance? Set straight after The Parent Map.

Because, you know, continuity.

Published 2018-05-06 18:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-06 18:40:05 UTC

Move aside Spike, there's a new hero in town

"Thank Celestia that's over with!" Starlight wiped a stray bead of sweat from her damp forehead, as she entered the Castle Of Friendship in rather a sorry state. "Now I see what Rainbow Dash had to put up with, regarding her extra-pushy parents! Is it possible to love someone a lot, but have them simultaneously drive you round the bend?"

"Er, I'd say it's not totally unheard of..." Twilight endeavoured to glance away from her open book long enough to raise an eyebrow at a quietly napping Spike, who's snoring flames were getting dangerously close to a highly flammable heap of special editions. "So, was it a tough mission? And how did Sunburst do?"

"Well, aside from having to bribe a train driver one month's wages to pretend to have all seats back to Ponyville and the Crystal Empire fully booked, I'd say both of us did pretty okay..." Starlight growled in annoyance, until she spotted Twilight looking curiously in her general direction, at which point she decided to change the subject. "A-Anyway, what have you two been up to while I've been away? I see Spike is making the most of his valuable day off, at least."

Twilight was about to chuckle lightly at Starlight's little remark, and give a detailed report of her own personal activities during the unicorn's brief sojourn, which of course included but was by no means limited to: list writing, list editing, list following... sufficed to say, her and Sunburst's mother would have gotten on like a house on fire.

As long as that 'house' didn't happen to be a library, of course. Too many bad, triggering memories for that to be remotely possible.

In any case, the princess's initial reaction was cut somewhat short by a familiar glow emanating from the nearby map, the vibrations of which stirred a certain reptile slumbering peaceably nearby into falling off his throne and banging his scaly head on the floor. Ouch.

As the two startled equines and a drowsy dragon lumbered over to see who would be the next lucky recipient of a free ticket to who-knows-whereville, a look of amazement, astonishment and/or sheer horror could be seen playing across their faces. In real time, too.

For the floating symbol that now lit up the crystalline room in all it's reflective glory was none other than the unmistakable green skin, long tongue and lifeless purple eyes of...

......................................

"GUMMY?! My baby's going on a mission? Woo hoo!!" Pinkie Pie was predictably over the moon at such a huge honour being bestowed upon her precious pet (Luna will testify to this, having seen the party pony leap clean over it once during the Night Princess's confinement, before quickly leaving in disgust upon discovering the lack of cheese there to make her patented cheesecake).

"U-Um, Pinkie? We were kind of hoping you could clarify a few things for us, first." a bemused Twilight accompanied by an equally nonplussed Starlight observed their eccentric friend bounce around Sugarcube Corner like a pinball machine, knocking over stands, shelves and innocent customers alike in her jubilation. "For starters, this is the first time a non-pony has ever been summoned by the map... well, apart from Spike, but he's already proven himself, so that was no great surprise. Gummy, though? I mean, Gummy?!"

"I know, isn't it super?!" Pinkie kind of missed the point of the question (as usual), but at least she now finally skid to a halt long enough for her answers to be understandable. "It's been a long time coming, but at last he's getting the recognition he truly deserves! Why, this place would go under tomorrow if it wasn't for the hours of hard labour he puts in! I keep asking the Cakes to put him on the payroll, but they just flat out refuse! I love them both, but they can be such meanies!!"

"E-Er, y-yes..." Starlight wisely decided it was best not to attempt punctuating the strange and surreal place known as Pinkieland, for therein lies the true definition of madness. "Anyway, we were kind of hoping we could take him now, just so we could get all this cleared up quickly. Either this is some kind of major system malfunction, or the weirdest way to solve a friendship problem ever."

"Fantastic! Just wait there, I'll just go and get my stuff!" A procession of flames was left by Pinkie as she zoomed upstairs, only for it to be extinguished a few seconds later by the brevity of her not-quite-long awaited return. "Hmm... now which would be most appropriate for this daring escapade, me hearties? A pirate cap? Or would a detective hat be more elementary, my dear ponies? Tell you what: let's hold a random customer survey! All those in favour of the skull and crossbones say 'aarrrrr'! All those who'd like to see me don the deerstalker, just get out your pipe and..."

"A-Actually, it's kind of customary for the one chosen for the quest to go on their own, unless they need supervision." Twilight informed the irrepressible party pony, in reference to a recent trip she took with the Crusaders. "...And although, in Gummy's case, this rule might very well apply, I think me and Starlight have got this situation in hoof, if you trust us enough to release him into our custody temporarily. Besides, judging by that schedule I spotted on your desk over there, don't you have a double shift today?"

"W-Well, kinda. Sorta. Definitely. I suppose..." Pinkie's manic enthusiasm rapidly simmered down upon recalling her usual responsibilities, as a bunch of irate customers began to pick themselves up around the store, incensed by her recent attempt to get a high score by treating them like furry bumpers. "E-Er, free cupcakes, everypony?"

"We'll let you finish apologising and serving this little lot, then we'll just nab Gummy and be on our way." Starlight informed the suddenly swamped party pony, while slightly smirking. "We'll nip him down to Ponyville Elementary, and be back ASAP. Don't worry, we promise to take very good care of him, and provide you with a full resume of his 'glorious' accomplishment upon completion of his designated task."

"What?! Ponyville Elementary? B-But that's only just down the road! You mean... no daring voyages 'cross the briny blue? No convoluted mysteries to solve in ye olde Fillydelphia town? Just a hop, skip and a jump, and you'll have reached your destination?" Pinkie seemed most deflated, as she attempted to quell the potential for a riot with the magic of... bakery(!)

Twilight and Starlight had nothing else to add to this, so they only nodded in unison. Pinkie was doing enough talking for all three of them, anyway.

"Awwww, I was kinda hoping for something with a bit more oomph for my darling's big debut on the world stage! Oh well, it can't be helped, I guess. Let me just grab all of his things instead, and he'll with you shortly. Now, what will keep my baby's ears warmer in the cold, harsh weather outside: galoshes, or a balaclava? Hmm, maybe I should open up the forum again to the general public, although I seem to recall the last such session of this nature proved quite indecisive. Oh well, second time's the charm, as they say! Or do 'they'...?!"

......................................

"I can't believe she wanted us to carry all that luggage just across town, Twilight! Where did she think we were headed, the peaks of Yakyakistan?!! And all that rubbish about massaging grease into his back every few minutes and kissing his forehead gently if he seems sad... he's Gummy! He always looks sad!! In fact, I'm not sure I've ever seem him do anything other than blink every so often! Sometimes, I think even Boulder shows more life than that creature."

"Now now Starlight, maybe you can't see the point in having a motionless alligator or an enlarged pebble as a pet, but to Pinkie and Maud, they're much-loved companions. So we should treat their affection for them with as much respect as we can muster, no matter how unfathomable, or in some cases downright disturbing it might be."

"Y-You're right Twilight, I'm sorry. Like you though, I'm somewhat confused at to what Gummy's function will be at the school, to bring this apparent friendship problem to a successful end. A novelty paperweight, to stop a joint project from blowing away? A helpful obstacle, to trip a bully up as they try to escape? As puzzled as I am by this turn of events however, I must say I'm very inquisitive. Let's trot there right now, and go see for ourselves!"

"That's the spirit, Starlight! And just think... if I can prove even the most seemingly useless sentient being can have a purpose, it could make a great study paper one day! Of which you'll be given full co-credit, naturally. Now, I'm going to need you to carry Gummy on your back, as he keeps slipping off mine. It must be that new soap I used this morning."

"Oh, dang it, Twilight! You know I'm not going to be able to refuse, after that unbelievably generous offer you just made."

"Thanks Starlight, I won't forget this in a hurray! And don't forget what Pinkie said. Even though you may think it's a waste of time, Pinkie was kind enough to entrust her pet in our care, and so we must fulfil her wishes. You'll find the grease in the side pouch of the saddlebag. Don't forget to rub it in nice and deep, and do the length of the tail too."

"...Twilight, it's a good job I learned to control my anger while hanging out with Trixie, because you are really starting to push it."

.............................................

"I can't..." Apple Bloom said in a stupified daze.

"Move a muscle..." Sweetie seemed even more out of it than normal.

"So pretty..." Scootaloo's mouth was agape, providing a free invite to passing flies.

"Uh, who am I again? Golden Fork, or something?" Silver Spoon had taken temporary leave of her senses.

"I don't know, but in the past when I called you, you'd come." Tiara failed to focus on the present.

All of the young fillies and colts had stopped their ill-tempered squabbling that recess, to uncontrollably stare at the hypnotising gaze of the baby alligator placed conveniently in the middle of the playground, and boy, weren't they making a competition out of it.

Aside from Snips and Snails that is, who happened to be gazing dumbfounded in the opposite direction, thin slivers of drool hanging from their pursed lips. But they were always like that, so this was to be expected.

"You know, I can't thank you enough, Princess Twilight and Starlight. You've got a whole new school of your own to manage now, but you went to the trouble of travelling all the way here to help me out. Not to mention, much credit to that tiny miracle worker over there!" Miss Cheerilee, the students long-suffering teacher who often got in the way of her prodigies arguments and brawls, seemed quite pleased with this current situation. "All week long, they've been fighting about who gets to play on the latest play equipment first, and It's barely left me enough time to finish my morning coffee before I have to intervene! Now, I can actually relax for a change, as well as maybe plant a few subtle seeds about the benefits of sharing with others whilst they're still in their trances."

As pleased as Twilight was that Gummy had proven to be a useful asset after all, and that peace and harmony now reigned over the often boisterous schoolyard, she did have a slight bugbear with Cheerilee's newly announced teaching method. "That's an... intriguing proposition. But isn't it a bit ethically dubious?"

"Oh, don't worry. I won't be changing their natural behaviour at all!" Cheerilee grinned slightly at the implication she'd even contemplate doing such a thing. "I'll just be making them a little more susceptible to learning valuable life lessons that I was going to teach them in the first place. Isn't that right, class?"

"Yes, Miss Cheerilee! Whatever you say, Miss Cheerilee! Your every wish is our humblest desire, Miss Cheerilee!" The bedazzled students answered as one in a creepy, monotone voice.

Apart from the pair of gibbering mouth breather colts in the background, of course.

Despite her earlier plans, hearing her pupils being so completely out of it began to make Cheerilee have second thoughts. "U-Um, maybe I'll just give them all worksheets to do on the subject instead. I mean, my original idea would've been a lot easier, but at least this way I won't be any danger of being sued."

"I'd say that was a pretty good suggestion. Believe me, and this is speaking from personal experience, playing around with hypnotism is not a great idea." Starlight shuddered at the bad memories associated with that particular statement, before turning back to Twilight once more. "Well, I have to confess, against my most pessimistic predictions, I'd say we've 'wrapped' this case up. What say we return a glowing Gummy to his loving owner, and go home to enjoy some well-earned downtime? I'm thinking that Spike has the right idea round about now."

"Hold on a tick!" Cheerilee surprised both princess and student alike by interrupting their conversation. "Can't you just... wait a few minutes please, before leaving?"

Twilight and Starlight glanced at each other in confusion, before saying the same thing. "Why?"

"Because I just want to savour the moment, put my hooves up a bit, and..." it was at this point Cheerilee grabbed a mug upon which was emblazoned in big magenta capital letters 'WORLD'S GREATEST TEACHER' for emphasis. "...finish my drink." slurp

..............................................

"Well, thank Celestia that's over with... again!" Starlight commented for the second time that day, hoping her words might actually hold some resonance this time . "I feel fit to drop right now. Could some kind pony drag me to my bedchamber, please?"

"What are you glad you're 'over with'?" Twilight enquired, feeling pretty tuckered out herself. "The mission to your hometown, what went on at the school, or sneaking in and out of Sugarcube Corner at pace to return Gummy, so we didn't get yet another earbashing from Pinkie?"

"Everything above, and then some!" Starlight was amazed that her hooves still kept her upright, since she could barely feel their tips. "I just want to lie down, close my eyes, and think of nothing until tomorrow morning. Or afternoon, as the case may be."

"I can certainly understand why, after all the good work you've done today!" Twilight nodded approvingly, before deciding to add something else as an addendum. "Before you collapse under your sheets though, I just thought I'd remind you of something I said earlier, the gist of which has just come to fruition. No matter how small you seem, no matter how insignificant you feel, there is always a higher purpose for you if you truly believe. No dream too far, no mountain too high, all you need is... blah blah blah..."

Oh great, another one of her 'illuminating' lectures. As if I need any extra help getting to sleep right now... Starlight thought sarcastically, but before she could follow up her aggravated musings with a firm hoofpalm to the head, Spike unexpectedly came rushing out of the castle, panting and heaving away like a good 'un.

"What's up, Spike? You finally had enough of dreaming about sparkly gems underground or spending some alone time with a certain special someone?" Twilight was mildly amused by her assistant's exhausted appearance, and so she teased him accordingly.

"What?! No! There's nothing between me and Princess Ember! Well, I mean, she's just a... but, she could be... look, this isn't important right now!" Twilight's innocently chiding remarks caught the mollified drake short, but not enough to deter him from what he needed to say. "Look, just follow me! It's the map again! And this time... well, you'd better see for yourselves!"

Realising this could very well be a true emergency, whilst amazed that the map could be calling someone for the third time in such a small window, Starlight and Twilight instantly put on their serious faces and charged into the main hall, just behind an equally anxious Spike.

This time , in terms of outright shocks, if Gummy had been the appetiser, the latest long-eared image in motion above the map had to be the main course. With entrees.

For none other than the aged, grumpy face of one Cranky Doodle stared back at them hovering over his destined location. His destined location...

Upon seeing exactly where this place was, Twilight suddenly went as white as a Rarity, and began making funny gagging noises to herself like somepony on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

After her 'inspiring' words earlier about everyone having a purpose in life, Starlight was understandably confused by her mentor's reaction. "Twilight, what's wrong? You know where that is! It's where you were born... Canterlot!"

"Y-Yes, that's right..." was all the rapidly gulping alicorn could say in response.

"And even though Cranky might be a little rough around the edges, he's still a good guy, and his marriage to Matilda has done wonders for his temperament, or so you tell me!"

"Uh-huh." Twilight stopped hyperventilating long enough to agree with the unicorn, all the while not taking her eye off the wigged floating head for a second.

"So, with all that encouraging stuff you told me, and with Gummy's achievement at the school, what possible reason could you have to think Cranky wouldn't be able to succeed at his assigned task?" Starlight continued to push for more details as to the princess's apparent sudden change of heart.

"That's not the reason I'm so... look, don't you know what that is?" At this point, Twilight had managed to fully snap out of her self-imposed funk, and started jabbing repeatedly at one of the biggest buildings in the area, one which Cranky's avatar seemed particularly attracted to.

"No. Why, is it relevant to his mission, do you think?" Starlight squinted to stare at the monolithic structure in question.

"That's Equestria's biggest glue factory, which fosters over a thousand jobs and contributes greatly to the national economy." Twilight announced in earnest, showing that despite her best efforts, some of that boring statistical knowledge from being a princess had entrenched itself into that big egghead of hers.

"Aanndd why exactly, does that matter?" Starlight wanted Twilight to get to the point, that's even if she had one in the first place.

" ...'And' that's where Cranky will be headed. Very soon, to solve a problem. He's very old, well past retirement age now. Surely I can't be the only one who sees a plausible connection here?!"

It was as if the scales had dropped from her eyes, as Starlight finally got what Twilight insinuated. A similar look of tension quickly crossed the concerned unicorn's face, as she hurriedly glanced over at a pensive Twilight for an urgent question.

"You don't think...surely... Isn't that just an urban legend?"

At this juncture, along with Spike who'd trotted over to also scrutinise the map closely, a nervous laugh began to spread between the three friends.

"Don't be silly!"

"I never believed those rumours! Why, did you?"

"Of course not! I have an IQ of more than 200. Why would I give such credence to such outright nonsense?"

But as they went their separate ways that day, a couple of them at least couldn't stop themselves from looking back ashen-faced at the table.

For whatever reason.

..................................

As it turned out, Cranky Doodle used to work at the glue factory long ago as a junior partner, and knew pretty much all the more senior employees there like the back of his wrinkled hoof.

This meant he was easily able to settle a difference between two of his oldest chums, something to do with the possession of ancient opera recordings and cod liver oil tablets.

What a hero!

Why, what did you think was going to happen?

...Wha?

You're sick.

Get some help buddy, you need it.

Walks off with head held high.

Author's Note

And on that note, we end another of my trademark one-shots. Hope you enjoyed reading it, and don't forget to comment below. Bye for now... :raritywink: