I Tell Her 'Man's Not Hot'

by Quick Maffs

Rating: teen
Tags: Self Insert, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1213

Celestia attempts to correct her mistake.

Welp, man's on the sun now. And let me tell you, fam, the sun is fucking boring. Ya get me, bruv? Luckily, man's not hot. Man can never be hot. It's a persistent ting, fam.

Trigger warnings: Sunquakes, Shaqqcent, and a not hot man.

Published 2018-05-08 14:40:11 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-08 14:40:11 UTC

I Tell Her 'Man's Not Hot'

“What have I done?”

That was the only thing the princess of the sun could say as she stared up at the Shaqed ball of flames in the sky. Not even the other princesses could snap her out of her stupor.

“She’s been staring for hours,” Twilight said to Luna. She wasn’t even mad at her former teacher anymore, she was just confused at her actions. “She’s going to go blind at this rate!”

“Calm thyself, Sparkle. We can feel that our sister is incredibly confused and regretful about this situation. While I don’t have an explanation for her actions, We know it wasn’t intentional.” Luna said.

Twilight looked over to the still as a statue princess whose mouth was agape and eyes in tears. “I hope she snaps out of it soon, then we could hopefully get some answers.”

As soon as the last word left Twilights mouth, Celestia’s jaw clenched and she gave the sun a look of determination. She blinked the tears from her eyes and looked to the now stunned others in the room. “We’re getting him back.” she stated.

Twilight and Luna just watched as Celestia bolted and galloped down through the throne room doors and down the hall, no doubt surprising the ever living shit out of the staff.

“Do we follow her?” Twilight asked.

“Indeed” Luna replied.

And so, the princesses of friendship and moon promptly followed Celestia.

Big Shaq still stood in the same place he appeared, on the sun, surrounded by flames. His expression remained stern as he continued to survey the area as if there was anything but fire.

“Man’s not hot,” he said before chuckling to himself. “Man’s can never be hot. YA GET ME?!” Big Shaq, the one and only, laughed.

Twilight turned the corner that leads to the library. “I think she went in here,” she said.

“Considering Our sisters words before her eccentric exit, This location would make the most sense.” Luna responded.

Twilight looked around the library and spotted familiar pastel rainbow mane. She followed it to the face of none other than Celestia herself, eyes squinted in an expression of concentration.

Twilight and Luna walked over to the horse of the sun and the purple alicorn gently tapped her on the shoulder. “Princess, are you okay? And what was all that about with sending Big Shaq to the sun? Couldn’t he die?”

Celestia turned her head to give Twilight and Luna a stern look before she deflated and began tearing up, looking down at her hooves. “To answer your latter question Twilight, I honestly have no clue what came over me. It felt like I wasn’t in control of my actions and all I could feel was anger.” She sniffled and sighed. “He could die, yes, but only of heat stroke or dehydration. He wasn’t vaporized as one might think.”

Celestia then shook her head and looked at her sister and former student. “But I’m looking for the spell to bring him back! The spell grows weaker over time and can be broken with ease after a millennia, but that’s not exactly an option for our mortal friend.” She turns back to the book she was reading. “The spell is around here somewhere...”

“We’ll help you!” Twilight said. “Three pairs of eyes are better than one, that’s a fact.”

Celestia smiles at Twilight. “Thank you. We will rescue our friend!”

“Two plus two is four, minus one that’s three quick maffs.” Big Shaq rapped to himself as he sat on the ever burning sun’s surface. “Everyday man’s on the block. Smoke trees.”

It had been a few hours now, and as Big Shaq, the one and only, would say, ‘Man’s gettin’ bored, fam’. He took another look around the overgrown desert. Seeing no change, he continued with his practice. “See your girl in tha park, that girl is a uckers.”

As he said that last word, the ground, or whatever he was standing on, shook violently.

“Woah, man. Tha damn sun shiverin’ ‘n that? Bruv, dat scary.” He looked around a bit more, and after a few minutes of nothing happening aside from the constant flames, he continued spitting dope bars.

“When the ting went ‘quack, quack, quack’, you man were ducking...”

“I found it!” Celestia shouted.

The castle librarian then popped out from seemingly nowhere. “SHHHHHHHHH!”

Celestia chuckled sheepishly. “Sorry..” She looked over to Twilight and Luna. “I found it. Turns out it’s incredibly simple, but requires more magic than I have.”

“We will assist, sister. Simply tell Us what need be done.” Luna offered.

Celestia smiled at her sister. “Wonderful! Let’s head back to the throne room, we’ll perform the spell there.”

Just then, a low rumble was heard and seemed to be coming from directly above them. The three alicorns rushed to a window and noticed the sun itself was shaking.

“Uhhhh… That can’t be good...” Twilight said, wide eyed.

Celestia recovered first and pulled on her fellow princesses hooves. “Quickly, we must get back Shaq!”

The three princesses galloped down the various halls of Canterlot castle and all but burst into the throne room. Celestia levitated the book that contained the required spell in front of her, copied it, and handed the copy to her sister. “The spell is on page 102.”

Luna nodded and they both opened their books and faced each other. “Art thou ready, dear sister?” Luna asked.

“I am.” Celestia responded, steadying her stance.

Both of their horns glowed with bright lights corresponding to their respective colors. Twilight watched in awe as bright beams of magic shot from each of their horns and collided, forming a blinding ball of magic.

Twilight had to shield her eyes and face from the intense light and heat.

“Your girl knows I got tha sauce!” Big Shaq rapped enthusiastically, “No ketchup! Just sauce! Raw sauce! Yo, boom,”

Then, Big Shaq, the one and only, noticed he started glowing with a swirl of blue and yellow light. But before he could begin to question the phenomenon, the glow engulfed him and he shouted, “GAH!”

And he was gone in a wisp of light that shot up to the planet in the sky.

Back in the castle throne room, the light died down and the three alicorns waited for their eyes to adjust to the room, which was now relatively dark in comparison to what is was 10 seconds prior.

Celestia recovered first and noticed a tall figure standing between her and her sister.

“Yo, what’s going on, fam? Wha ‘appened?” Big Shaq asked as he looked at his new surroundings.

Celestia gasped as she realized who the figure was. “Shaq! You’re okay! Oh my god, you must be burning up!” She jumped over to the man and attempted to remove his jacket. “Let’s get this jacket off of you!”

Big Shaq shrugged her hooves away from him. “Man’s not hot.” he stated.

“But-”

“Babes, man’t not hot.” he affirmed.

“How? You were just on the sun!”

Big Shaq, the one and only, smiled. “Man’s can never be hot.”

All Celestia could do was sit there with a confused look on her face. “Wha?”

Big Shaq glanced around, still smiling. “Perspiration ting.”