Starlight vs Thanos

by Thought Prism

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Avengers, Other, Starlight Glimmer, Sunburst, Random
Length: 1571

"Why couldn't we have been sent to stop a war, or something?" - Starlight Glimmer

"Why couldn't we have been sent to stop a war, or something?"

Starlight gets her wish, courtesy of me, Thought Prism. Because of all the wars that need stopping, an Infinity one probably takes the cake. The second story in my blatant crackfic series of 'vs' fics.

Published 2018-05-06 19:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-06 19:30:06 UTC

Purple Fight

Author's Note

Very mild spoilers for Infinity War, obviously.

And I still regret nothing.

Purple Fight

Sunburst, thanks to the helpful escorting work of Twilight and Spike, arrived at the Map Room. Twilight flung the doors open with her magic, and their eyes immediately widened at what they saw. Namely, the giant, swirling portal hovering above the table and the perplexed mare staring up into it.

"Starlight!" exclaimed Twilight as she leveled a stare her of the sort a mother would their misbehaving child. "We talked about this! No more travelling back in time and upsetting the fabric of reality!"

Starlight, startled by the sudden voice, whipped around to face them. "It wasn't me this time, I swear!"

Spike narrowed his eyes at her. Sunburst just looked at the portal, dumbstruck.

"Seriously, look!" said Starlight, gesturing at the portal. "This was open when I got here. I'm pretty sure the map wants us to go through it."

Upon closer examination, the portal did, in fact, have both Starlight's and Sunburst's cutie marks spinning in a circle around the edge.

"Huh, you're right," said Twilight. "I apologize for jumping to conclusions."

Starlight sighed. "It's fine."

That particular misunderstanding resolved, Sunburst started prancing in place. "This is so exciting! Who knows where it'll take us?"

"I'm ready to find out if you are," replied Starlight, smiling.

Sunburst trotted up to her. "Sure, let's go!"

Then, without further ceremony, Starlight grabbed the pair of them in her aura and carried them upwards through the hole in reality. Once they were through, the portal closed with a bang behind them.

"Well, that's that, I guess," said Spike, already leaving the room.

Twilight, meanwhile, stood rooted in place, her eyes still fixed on the space above the table. "Oh, I hope they make it back alright. They didn't even pack any snacks!"

The portal dumped out Starlight and Sunburst onto a cold, hard surface with a thud. As they pulled themselves back onto their hooves, the two unicorns could barely see their surroundings, as they were now in a much darker location than the interior of Twilight's shiny castle.

"Ugh, where are we?" asked Starlight, rubbing her head. "Do you see the friendship problem, Sunburst?"

When Sunburst did not reply, Starlight just elected to wait for her vision to adjust. When it finally did, her face morphed into a shocked expression that mirrored the one already worn by Sunburst.

They were standing in a metallic corridor strewn with rubble. Flames danced across exposed wires and other technologies neither of them could place. Said flames illuminated the dozens of alien bodies strewn about on the floor. Some had been stabbed or cut open, blood oozing slowly from their wounds. Others had been brutally battered or crushed by heavy impacts.

However, there were still a few people left standing. Chief among them was a menacing-looking purple giant wearing golden armor. After staring at Starlight and Sunburst for a few seconds, he raised an eyebrow and turned to face a lanky man with long black hair. "Is this a joke?"

The long-haired man was trying very hard to not appear extremely terrified. "Of course not, mighty Thanos! I have no idea where those things came from! I am Loki, god of lies, not god of idiocy."

The giant - Thanos - hummed in contemplation.

Before he could speak again, another man with blonde hair and an eyepatch started shouting at them. "Hey! You there! Small purple and orange horses!"

The pair of ponies in question hadn't noticed him before, given that he had been fully encased in bits of metal somehow, but now he held their attention. "Uh, yes?" Starlight asked.

"Please, if you are able, you must help us!" he exclaimed. "Thanos and his warriors have slaughtered my brethren, refugees of Asgard! He must be stopped, before countless more innocent lives are lost!"

Sunburst went pale. "That's bad. This is really, really bad. Starlight, what do we do?"

Starlight was at a loss for words, her ears folding back as she continued to process the situation.

Thanos frowned down at her. "You seem to be here on accident, little ones. It is best you do not interfere in my business. Do that, and I won't interfere with yours."

At this, the blue, noseless man to his side clasped his hands together. "O' great titan, generous as ever!"

Growling, the man with the eyepatch struggled against his bonds. "Bastard, you also said that when he was busy killing everyone!"

"By Father's beard, Thor, stop talking," said Loki through clenched teeth. Then, to Starlight, he added "Seriously, don't even think about fighting these people. You'll be crushed like grapes. Be glad he's only here for us."

"Yes, that is true. No more distractions," said Thanos as he took a menacing step towards Loki. "Where were we? Ah, yes, hand over the stone or your brother dies."

As one of the other warriors leveled a spear at Thor's head, Starlight took a deep breath. Seeing what was about to happen, Sunburst frantically gestured for her to stop, but it was too late.

"Wait, hold on," said Starlight, completely ignoring Sunburst's silent pleas to the contrary. "So, and correct me if I'm wrong, but this big Thanos guy is an evil, genocidal maniac?"

"Those are such ugly words," said the noseless alien. "My liege brings balance to an ungrateful universe. Watch your tongue, or I may not be as merciful as he."

"In other words, yes!" exclaimed Thor.

"Ok, that's all I needed to hear," said Starlight, resolute. Then she charged her horn and fired a fast-moving ray of light at Thanos.

With reflexes honed over centuries, Thanos brought up his right hand, cloaked in purple energy, to block the attack. However, it was not the concussive or disintegrating beam he had been expecting, but rather a spell with entirely different effects.

The instant it touched his body, the Mad Titan was polymorphed into an eggplant.

Jaws dropped all around as the Infinity Gauntlet clattered to the floor. While they were distracted by the shock of the situation, Starlight rapidly hit the four other ne'er-do-wells with the same spell, transforming them into vegetables also.

Sunburst started at Starlight in utter bafflement as she casually blew a wisp of smoke off the tip of her horn. "There we go, crisis averted!" she said.

"I...what...how...you...?" stammered Loki.

"W-Whatever happened to not solving every problem with magic?" asked Sunburst.

Starlight rolled her eyes. "I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have been able to talk them down, Sunburst."

Sunburst sat down and crossed his hooves. "Well, maybe I was supposed to! The map called us both, remember?"

"Hmm, I guess so," said Starlight. "What should— oh, I know!" She then levitated over the assorted produce that had formerly been Thanos and the Black Order. "Why don't you make these poor fellows a salad?"

Sunburst looked to the floating veggies, then back to Starlight. "Did I hear that right?"

"I mean, I'm a terrible chef, and they look like they could use a nice lunch," she explained. Then, Starlight casually cantered over to where Thor was trapped and pried the metal open with ease.

With a huge grin on his face, Thor pulled her into a hug. "Huzzah! You shall be spoken of in the legends of our people until the end of time!"

She managed to force a wheezy 'thanks' through the crushing grip of his arms.

At this point, Loki had pushed back enough of his disbelief to form complete sentences. "You know what, I actually am a bit peckish."

Sighing in resignation, Sunburst turned to the still-being-hugged Starlight and asked "Hey, can you—"

There was another quick flash, and suddenly there were bowls and silverware for each of them. "Thanks," he muttered, starting to chop up the vegetables with his magic. One quick flavoring spell later and the four of them were happily eating together as they tried their best to ignore all the fire and corpses. However, before the two ponies could get more than a few bites in, their cutie marks started to glow again, and the return portal opened up above their heads.

"That's our cue. Bye Thor, bye Loki, it was nice meeting you," said Starlight.

"Take care, small purple Starlight!" replied Thor.

"Wait, so you just drop in, save our lives, and then leave, just like that?" asked Loki.

Starlight nodded. "That's how it works. We got sent to solve your, er, friendship problem, and we did."

"Can you at least resurrect all my serv— friends first?" Loki pleaded. "At least, I assume a being of your immense power could accomplish such a feat."

Sunburst gasped. "Necromancy is extremely dangerous and forbidden! How could you ask something like that?"

Starlight ignored him again. "I could, but they'd just come back as a bunch of soulless zombies. I've never really spent that much time studying more advanced dark magic. Like, once you know how to mind control somepony, who needs any other spells?"

This put a wide smile on his face. He turned to Thor. "Can we keep her? She seems fantastic."

Thor groaned. "No, Loki, you may not."

Sunburst chuckled awkwardly. "Well, I suppose we should be going now. Don't wanna be stuck... wherever this is."

Nodding, Starlight waved farewell to the pair of gods, then pulled herself and Sunburst up through the portal once more.