The Bureau of Secrecies

by locke_jaw

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 4961

Two agents from a secretive organization hunt changelings, MIB style.

Set a week after the Canterlot Wedding fiasco, two agents from a secretive bureau investigate one of Canterlot’s households for stray changelings that are hiding around the city after the failure of Queen Chrysalis’s invasion.

The description sounds serious but the story isn’t.

Published 2018-05-07 06:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-07 06:30:07 UTC

TBS for Short

All is quiet in the Canterlot residential area. Celestia’s sun has risen not so long ago, giving the place a warm yet comfy ambiance. Most ponies have just woken up or have already been preparing themselves for the day. Some of those were currently having breakfast in their homes.

One of those ponies was the Gleamings family. They were in the dining room, enjoying a fresh batch of pancakes paired with a glass of orange juice. At least that was what their daughter, Flashy Gleamings was eating. Her father Rusty, was on the table sipping a piping hot cup of coffee while reading today’s paper. He had to take quick small sips from the beverage as it was taken straight from the pot. Fair Gleamings, the wife and mother of the household was whipping up the final batch of pancakes for the day.

Everything was peaceful and silent, just like it usually does, at least for now.

Outside the Gleamings’ household, two stallions trotted towards their front door. The stallions were dressed in black suits. They also wore black pants to match, obscuring their cutie marks from everyone curious enough to want to see. A pair of black tinted glasses concealed the color of their eyes, adding more to the mysterious image that they were attempting to emanate.

“-And also simulacrum.” The one on the right said, in continuation from their unheard conversation a while ago. “I don’t know what it means yet but I like the way it sounds. Simulac-“ he twirled his dark blue hooves as he tried to pronounce the word.“Simulacrum.” He said, sighing in satisfaction at the end.

The other stallion stopped in front of the house’s door, urging the other one to stop as well. His caramel fur shone brightly in the sun. He turned his head at his partner, his shaggy silver mane waved while doing so.

“We’re here.” He said. If his looks don’t give away his old age, then the gruff sounding voice surely will. “Knock on the door while I cast the spell. Lock and load first.”

His younger partner complied, his short spiky blue-green mane waved slightly as he nodded. He pulled a strange device from his jacket’s inner pocket. It was made from solid crystal, shaped to take the form of an “L.” With his wings, he gripped the device’s handle while the other cocked the slide above, creating a clicking sound.

The Gemstone Utilizing Neutralizer, or the G.U.N for short is a little piece of machinery that was designed to shoot projectiles from afar, like a crossbow. But instead of arrows, it uses gems cramped inside a small casing called a magazine that was shoved in the butt of the gun. It has the power to utilize the hidden power of gemstones, hence the name. And each gem it uses has a different effect to the target, like garnet weakens while amethyst poisons. It fires much faster than the crossbow and with better accuracy.

Unfortunately, this innovative device is very expensive, with it using gemstones as bullets. Not to mention the amount of time needed to create a single gun. Very slow to be honest, given today’s technological capabilities, it would take a couple of months if not a year to make one from top to bottom. That’s why it was never mass produced, only given to the ones who have earned the right to wield it, just like these two stallions standing outside the Gleamings’ household right now.

The younger stallion raised a foreleg in front of the door, and rapped it twice. His partner slowly backed away from the house. He raised his head a bit to take a full look at the structure from roof to patio. Now that he’s done with his estimates, his horn glowed green.

Out of nowhere, a large green barrier started to form around the house. Beginning from the ground it moved upwards, wrapping the building in a sparkly green dome.

Once the place was fully enclosed with his magic barrier, the older unicorn trotted beside his partner who was still waiting for a reply from someone inside.

“Effigy.” The unicorn begun.

His pegasus partner gave him a confused look. “What?”

“The meaning of simulacrum, if my memory serves me right, then simulacrum means a representation of somepony particularly in the form of a sculpture. I.E a simulacrum of somepony important in a bit. Knock again, this time louder.”

His partner did as he was told and tapped on the door three times, three times and louder.

“Coming!” A voice shouted from behind the door, accompanied with the sound of muffled hoofsteps. A clicking sound came from the doorknob as it twisted, opening the door. The stallions were greeted by a young unicorn mare. She was in her teens, blonde mane, and orange fur. She seems to be eating breakfast, judging from what she’s currently chewing. Pancake, the two stallions concluded. They can literally sniff the scent of syrup wafting from her mouth mixed with the sweet smell of pancake batter.

She quickly gulped her food without breaking down most of the big parts, making her choke a bit as the mashed pancake sludge clogged down her throat.

“Good morning.” The mare greeted the stallions, her face a combination of somepony about to puke while gasping for air. She needs water, bad. She raised a hoof and thumped at her chest in an attempt to shake down the food that was stuck in her throat. And judging from her look of relief, it apparently worked. “How may I help you?”

“Good morning as well.” The pegasus replied. “Are your parents home Miss?”

“Flashy...” The mare answered, narrowing her eyes at the pegasus. “Flashy Gleamings.”

“Honey, who’s at the door?” Another voice came from inside the house. It was another unicorn, a stallion with a sturdy build. Like his daughter, he also had a blonde mane and his fur is of a reddish brown shade. With him was a dog, a Saint Bernard, almost as big as his daughter. He was petting it on the head as he approached the doorway.

The older unicorn was the first one to reply. “Good morning, Mr. Gleamings. I’m Agent Keeper.” he raised a foreleg and waved it to the other stallion. “And beside me is my partner, Agent Jazz. We are from the Bureau of Secrecies.”

Before he could continue, Rusty Gleamings spoke.

“Bureau of Secrecies?” Rusty questioned, confusion evident in his voice. “How come I’ve never heard of that name before?”

“We’re a secretive agency, hence the name. Our intel suspects that there’s a changeling hiding inside your home. We’re here to investigate your premises to verify the reports. We’d like to take a look, just a quick peek if you don’t mind.”

“What in Tartarus!? Ofcourse we would mind!” Rusty exclaimed. The dog beside him ran away, as if it was surprised by its owner’s sudden change of mood.

Keeper gave a short snort, and grinned at Mr. Gleamings like a sly fox, he looked like he was expecting him to react that way.

“But you’re powerless to stop us anyway.” He retorted, his grin lingering. The wrinkles that were supposed to make him look older only added to his mature and rugged charm. “We’ve been ordered by the higher ups to conduct an investigation here. And if the guys from above tell you to do something as nasty as spreading your butt cheeks, you do so with much gusto. Cherry on top no questions asked.”

“How high are we talking about? I’m an influential stallion, maybe I can talk my way out of this.” Rusty asserted, trying to gain dominance in their conversation.

Gleamings’ reply only made Keeper’s grin wider. “Oh they’re high alright, really high, I’m talking celestial high.” He then hoofed Rusty a scroll tied with a red ribbon in which Rusty quickly snatched in annoyance.

He pulled the ribbon off the scroll and unrolled it immediately, soft crinkling sounds of paper filled the sudden silence in the room.

When Rusty read the contents of the scroll, he can’t help but make his eyes grow wide in surprise.

It was a royal decree. A decree penned personally by Princess Celestia herself! Now he may be a stallion with loads of connections, but there’s no way that he can reason his way out of this! Not when the Princess herself was the one who issued an order to inspect his house!

Rusty cursed silently as he rolled the paper back into a scroll. He then hoofed the scroll back to Keeper who was still keeping that smug look of his. Let’s get this over with, he thought to himself. It’s not like he was harbouring any changelings here anyway.

“Welcome to my humble abode gentlecolts, make yourselves at home.” He greeted the two agents while forcing a smile on his face.

“Don’t mind if we do.” Keeper said as he trotted inside the house, still grinning.

Rusty’s smile turned into an ugly frown as Keeper passed by him. He gritted his teeth in suppressed anger, and if he gritted it a bit more, they’d surely crack. What a day, what a day indeed.

“Honey? What’s with all the ruckus?” Mrs. Gleamings called out from the kitchen.

Keeper headed towards the dining room, to the source of the voice. The other ponies followed suit. When they all got to the dining room, Fair Gleamings was sitting on the table sipping a cup of coffee while slicing her pancakes into small portions.

“Good Morning Ma’am.” Keeper greeted the peach unicorn. “We’re from the Bureau of Secrecies. We’re just searching your house for any changeling activity.”

Behind the bangs of her green mane, Mrs. Gleamings’ eyes were filled with delight. But it quickly became the look of contempt as she turned to gaze at her skeptical husband.

“I told you I was right!” She stood from her chair and slammed both of her forelegs on the table, the pancakes hopped slightly from the force. “There are changelings in our house!” She shouted, pointing a hoof at Rusty.

Rusty rolled his eyes and groaned in annoyance. “And I keep telling you that it’s just your imagination!”

While the couple continued to bicker about the strange yet inconspicuous things happening in the house, Jazz took a curious look at Flashy who was now sweating profusely.

Before Rusty and Fair could turn their bickering into a heated argument, Keeper interrupted them with a soft cough. In an instant, the couple went silent, realizing how foolish they were acting in front of the agents, nevertheless, their own daughter.

“Protocol states that we should check every room in your house.” Keeper said, turning his head at Rusty’s direction “How many do you have?”

Rusty scratched his chin while his eyes stared at the ceiling, the scratching becoming a series of rapid tapping. “Around nine, I think.”

“Including the basement?”

“Yes, including the basement.”

Keeper looked at Jazz. “We’ll check it last.” The young pegasus nodded in agreement. “Let’s start with the kitchen. If you’d kindly...” Keeper gestured Rusty with a hoof to escort them in the kitchen. The rust furred stallion flared his nostrils in frustration as he reluctantly led the two agents to the kitchen with family in tow.

As Jazz and Keeper set hoof in the kitchen, they didn’t waste any time in searching every nook and cranny of the place. It only took them a few minutes to completely search the small area. Keeper wiped an imaginary sheet of sweat on his forehead, gesturing that they’re done here. He then turned to look at his partner, who was pulling what seems to be a plastic pack filled with mushroom slices from his jacket’s inner pocket.

“I didn’t know you were into that, it’s not really the best time to take one right now.” He warned.

Jazz tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mea-oh! It’s not that, not at all.” He snickered at Keeper’s assumption. “I’m gonna use these babies right here to sniff out changelings.” He added while shaking the small pack with his hoof, the mushroom slices inside the pack danced around each other with every shake.

Keeper gave Jazz a stern glare. Even with the glasses on, Jazz could tell that he’s narrowing his eyes at him. Keeper kept at it for a while, a little while, a little bit more, then stopped and brought his head back in disbelief.

“You’re serious.” Keeper said, his voice sounded flat but if you’re partnered up with him for a long time like Jazz, you can tell that he’s actually surprised.

Jazz smiled at Keeper’s reaction. “Of course, and you won’t believe the story behind it.”

The older agent let out a doubtful ‘hmm.’ “Really.” Keeper replied, emphasis on the last syllable. “It it more unbelievable than that one time when you told us that you bedded Princess Luna in the Dreamscape?”

“That one’s true, and this one too. Wanna hear the story?”

Keeper shrugged. “Not like I can stop you anyway.”

“Trust me, you won’t regret it. And after that, Jazz took a long breath and let out an equally long sigh. “Alright, here goes.”

“It happened a couple of days, days before the wedding. Remember our day off?

“Yeah I remember that.” Keeper replied as he got out of the bathroom. No changelings here, he thought. “I was in Fillydelphia then, taking care of some supernatural business. Ghost in the workplace, it’s ridiculous, I know.”

“You’re still working in your day off?” Jazz said, closing the door as Keeper got out of the room. “Don’t you have a life?”

The older stallion gave no reply, just a simple shrug to show that he doesn’t care what his partner says about his lifestyle.

“Dude, we work to live, not live to work. So anyway, where was I?”

“Wait, don’t you want to hear the rest of my story?”

“Keeper, Keeper.” Jazz said in a condescending manner. “Who’s telling the story first?”

The old unicorn merely snorted. “You.”

“Right. And the reason behind that is?”

“Because ladies first?”

Jazz giggled at Keeper’s quip, he fell rightfor that one. “Courtesy Keeper, courtesy. Now where was I? ”

“Start from the day off.” Keeper grunted as he looked under the bed. They were inspecting the bedrooms now, starting with Flashy’s room. Keeper cursed as he crouched on the floor, old bones cracking as he went down inch by inch. Jazz on the other hoof, was opening closets, cabinets, dressers, and other things with a hole that’s big enough for a changeling to hide. He would have searched Mrs. Gleamings too if it weren’t for Mr. Gleamings beating him to death afterwards.

“Oh yeah, thanks. So it was my day off right? And I snagged a date with this mare I just met. A cute mare, darn near adorable. She was fond of me, so I too, was fond of her.”

“Let me tell you what she looked like. She’s of the flying type, like me. Smooth mane, a beautiful shade of blue. It looks like a waterfall from afar. Her fur’s of a golden shade, it sparkles when the sun shines on it.”

“I dunno, maybe I’m just imagining things. With me getting infatuated and all that. So yeah, we hit it off and decided to have our first date in my favourite restaurant. Great atmosphere, great food, great service. The only place that I’m ever gonna tip. Yes, it’s that good. Winter Sweet’s, ring any bells?”

“Oh yeah, I heard of that place but never actually went there. Also heard they make a mean mushroom so-oh! So that’s where you got your mushrooms from.”

“That’s right, Gemini Mushrooms. Produced via lightning strikes in the Everfree. The forest holds ample supply but only few had the guts and balls to harvest it. Thank Celestia Winter Sweet’s got both to do so.”

“But how are those little mushrooms going to find us a changeling?” Keeper interjected. They were in the guest’s bedroom now. They were doing the same as before in the previous room, but only in reverse. Taking pity from the old stallion, Jazz was now the one searching under the bed while Keeper inspects the cabinets, the cabinet. The room is smaller than the others, so it only has one compartment to put stuff in. Keeper was not one to complain, whatever makes the chore go faster.

“Hang on, I’m getting there. So we went there, right? And get this, since you haven’t been there yet, let me tell you a reason on why you should give the place a try. The owner himself takes your order! Only a good restaurant does that.”

“Or a small one.”

“Well yeah.” Jazz said matter-of-factly. “That’s why they got good service there.”

“So we took our order right? I ordered the mushroom soup. My date did the same, it’s her first time there so she just followed my lead. And here’s reason number two, and no, this is not a paid promotion.”

“The restaurant owner likes to present her dishes as if they were being judged in a competition. I order mushroom soup every time I went there and she always says same the same exact thing every time. She said it so many times that the words are now buried inside my head. Heck, sometimes I use it as a mantra because I memorised every word of it like a prayer.”

“Gemini Mushroom Soup with dry Sherry topped with freshly picked herbs from my personal garden.”

“Even though she said it for almost a hundred times now, the passion’s still there. It’s like she never gets tired of it. Note that this mare serves dozens of ponies everyday and she insists on giving them a small dissection of the food they were eating.”

“I guess that’s how it is when you turn your passion into a job, work becomes play.”

“Alright, you’ve sold me on this joint. Then what happened?” Keeper asked, stretching out on the queen size bed in the couple’s room. He was lying sideways with his head resting on his right hoof while staring at the pictures on the small drawer beside the bed, completely ignoring the irritated family of unicorns that were glaring at him angrily at the door.

“It was all disaster afterwards. It really went downhill when she took that sip. It scared the Tartarus out of me, even now.”

Keeper rose up from the bed, curious. “Why? What happened?” H asked Jazz, whose upper body was still under the bed.

“I didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know changelings were lethally allergic to mushrooms, particularly of the Gemini variety. And I found it the hard way.”

“I was just there, staring at her, dumbfounded.”

“She writhed, she gasped, she choked. And we haven’t even made love yet. What haunted me the most was how she died at the end.”

Keeper pulled his glasses down, slightly at the snout. “Wait, she died?”

“Yes, told you I was getting there! So she was there, dying and stuff. She looked like a witch drenched in water.”

“She’s melting?”

“You bet she was. But before she turned into a sizzling puddle of tar, she changed into her different disguises in a maddening pace!”

“Red mare, pink mare, brown colt, minotaur, black stallion, hairless ape with pubes on top, blue stallion, green mare.”

“How many forms was that?”

“A lot. It’s like your life flashing before your eyes, but for changelings. And the sound! Oh the sound, the terrible sound she makes in her final moments. Deafening, yeah that’s the word. Totally deafening, it’s like a distorted symphony of blackboard screeching, ceramic scratching, Styrofoam crumbling, and all other stuff fillies do to make your ears gush green and red.”

The old unicorn cringed at the image of an ear with puss and blood flowing out of it, both disgusting liquids mixing into a nauseating brew as it trickled down the neck of the suffering pony.

“I know what you’re gonna ask next. And yes, all eyes were on me back then. I got some unwanted attention, and all I wanted was some soup. They even added dry sherry and puréed the mushrooms to create a thick and creamy texture. What a waste.”

“And more trouble came after that. The patrons have seen too much, I had to use my memory wiper on each and one of them, including the owner! And when I’m done wiping them out, the soup has gone cold.”

“That was the only the day I left the place without living a tip. I dunno, it just didn’t feel right, you know? ”

After deciding that the bed was clear, Jazz pulled himself back up. Wiping any speck of dust that might have stuck on his suit after he went down in the queen...sized bed, he looked back at Keeper who was staring at him quite intently.

“You’re not snoring.” Jazz said, a bit surprised. “Good, because I’m already finished. So the moral of the story here is to never feed changelings Gemini Mushrooms.”

“That’s it!?” Keeper cried out, his tone akin to that of a newlywed bride who was expecting a lot but got disappointed at the end on her honeymoon night. They were at the basement, diving through all the clutter there. If this place is clear of any changeling trails, then they would consider this house clean. But it’d be highly unlikely. Intel never fails, he thought while wading through all the objects the Gleamings family deemed unusable.

“All that length for a short moral? A tip? Just the tip?”

Jazz appeared at the far end corner of the basement, all covered in dust and cobwebs, some of them sticking at his mane and feathers. He shook himself like a wet dog to get the most of it.

“That’s tradition.” He shrugged. “Just the way things are. Long stories give simple lessons.”

He slowly trotted to where Keeper was standing while brushing some dust and webs off his shoulders. “Remember the story of that one princess who ate a poisoned apple? Yeah, the story’s long but the lesson’s short.”

“Don’t take stuff from strangers. See? Short.” He explained.

“But how are you going to sniff out changelings with those? Force feed them shrooms?”

“The solution’s much simpler old timer.” Jazz said as they slowly went upstairs, he pulled the pack full of mushroom slices with a hoof and tore it open with both his wings. He poured three slices of mushroom on his hoof, carrying them as they went to the living room.

“You just have to flick it at their bodies. Did it with a changeling once during the wedding, it was like ember to them, you’ll need more to kill them though, from the outside that is. My date’s a different case. She ate the mushrooms, and they assaulted her on the inside. There’s no chitin on the inside.”

“Check this out.” He said too Keeper.

“I’m gonna do something cool.” was the last thing he said as he charged towards the unsuspecting family of unicorns that were sitting on the living room couch.

One by one he flicked the mushroom slices in great accuracy. Each slice landed precisely between the eyes of each unicorn, startling the Tartarus out of them.

Rusty pulled out the thing that landed on his face with his magic. It was a mushroom, sliced thinly to use for cooking. The other two pulled theirs as well.

It wasn’t what Jazz was expecting. None of them were yelping from pain, nor were there any burn marks on the places where the mushrooms had landed. He turned his attention to Flashy, who was staring at him, furiously confused. He could’ve sworn she was the changeling. It was just a gut feeling though, as there’s no evidence that could’ve supported that she was actually th-

“What in Tartarus are you doing!?” Rusty cried out in furious anger, interrupting Jazz’s train of thought.

“Huh, I guess you’re not changelings after all.” He finally declared.

Keeper got from the basement and quickly followed after Jazz. He gave Jazz a sharp bonk to the head for his rudeness.

“The house is clear. Our intel was wrong. I’m sorry for the trouble, we’ll be taking our leave now.” Keeper said, signalling Jazz who was caressing the bruised part of his head to follow after him.

“And don’t ever come back again!” Rusty cried out once more and proceeded to grumble something about his morning being wasted.

As the two agents exited the house, they straightened out their suits and fixed their ties. Keeper did it with his magic while Jazz uses his wings. The sun was already high up when they got out. It’s good thing they wore glasses, because everything looks ridiculously bright after searching through all those dark places.

“I can’t believe it.” Jazz begun, “That’s the first time intel failed.”

“I know. Strange isn’t it?” Keeper replied in agreement.

“Can’t even show you my huge d-Keeper, look at that.” Jazz said, pointing out to the dog that was padding against the barrier Keeper set up earlier with its paws.

Jazz immediately pulled out a mushroom slice from his pack and flicked it at the back of the dog’s head. It landed coincidentally on where Keeper had hit him earlier.

The spot where the mushroom had hit started to sizzle, and erupted into a small green flame. The dog tapped it several times with its paw in an attempt to douse down the growing fire, but the flame swiftly spread all over the dog’s body, transforming it into the thing that two agents were looking for this entire time.

After a moment of experiencing an infernal sensation, the changeling came to back to its senses, only to find out that the two agents had already pointed their guns at its face.

As the changeling was busy extinguishing the fire in its carapace earlier, Keeper and Jazz pulled out both of their guns loaded with a magazine full of sapphires.

The changeling’s ears fell as the agents pulled the trigger, blue fire came out from the barrel. And in an instant, the changeling froze, literally. It looked like an ice sculpture now. The grass that they were standing on became white with snow.

Keeper approached the frozen changeling, patting its head. It made a clinking sound, like tapping a wine glass. He looked at the sun, It’s almost midday so it was now searing hot. He feared that the changeling would thaw before they reach HQ, so he shot another around or two for insurance, coating it with ice even more.

“Let’s go check the doghouse.” Keeper said while dragging the changeling with his magic.

The two stallions trotted around the house, heading towards the backyard. When they reached the doghouse, Keeper motioned Jazz to go inside it. Reluctantly, Jazz did exactly as he’s told and dove straight into the hole.

Inside the doghouse was what Jazz has been expecting. It was filled with everything a changeling would need to survive, a dug out burrow, a resting pod, and slimy resin oozing in every corner of the tiny structure.

Jazz got out of the doghouse and looked at Keeper, nodding in confirmation.

“Huge oversight!” Keeper said while shooting another sapphire round on the melting changeling that looked like a runny Popsicle on a hot summer day.

“What’s with all the ruckus!?” Rusty called out, his wife and daughter behind him as they followed the water trail into their backyard.

“Oh my Celestia! Is that a changeling?”

“See! I told you that there’s a changeling! And you didn’t listen.” Fair said, rubbing the fact that she was right in her husband’s face.

“If that’s the changeling, then where’s Mr. Fluffy?” Flashy said with difficulty, as if there’s a lump in her throat.

“Aaand that’s my cue.” Jazz rushed to the family to offer them a piece of paper that was obviously cut out from a magazine.

“You see, in a situation like this, we have good news and bad news. The bad news is, your dog’s dead.”

“Yeah, surprise.” Jazz said as he waved his wings left and right while looking straight at the sky.

“The good news is, the local pet shop offers a funeral service for dead pets. Here, have this coupon right here that cuts twenty-five percent off the initial payment. If you can’t find the body, that’s alright too. The funeral can still be held with an empty coffin.”

“What in the Goddess damned Tartarus!” Rusty roared, face reddening. “Our dog’s dead, there’s a changeling in our household and you still managed to joke about coupons!?”

Jazz pouted. “It’s not a joke.”

“Screw you! And screw your Bureau! I’ll have your cursed heads for this! Wait till I-

Thunk!

Thud.

Thunk!

Thud.

Thunk!

Thud.

“It’s never too early or never too late for the memory wiper.” Keeper said while blowing the gem encrusted tip of the skilfully crafted metal rod that he’s levitating with his magic. Beneath him was the Gleamings family, out cold with small purple bruises on their heads.

“It does wonders.” Jazz replied, relieved that Rusty’s impromptu sermon of curses was over.

“Let’s drag the bodies inside the house. Leave the coupon on the table, the dining table. And then let’s take this changeling back to HQ. After that, let’s go have brunch at that favourite restaurant of yours. I’m in the mood for some mushroom.”

“Sweet.”

Author's Note

I’m sorry I had to dump this dump to ya, but I had to publish this story first in order to move on to other things.