P*4
Soarin soared through the empty skies of Equestria, quietly humming a song to himself. The Wonderbolts didn’t practice today, so the day was his to do with as he pleased. And of course, what pleased him most was pie.
Pie. Even the word made his mouth salivate. The mere thought of pies kept him going, urging him on as he performed for the adoring crowds of ponies that came out to watch the Wonderbolts do their thing. He lived for the end of the week when he would get his bits and could fly off to the nearest bakery, rushing to the pies that would soon find a new, caring home in his stomach. It didn’t matter what flavor it was, if it was baked and shaped like a circle, Soarin would scarf it down in a second.
And then there were the other kind of pies, the kind of pies that found him. It didn’t come as a surprise, given his dashing good looks and the fame of being a Wonderbolt, when a few of the audience members came up to him and offered up a special kind of pie he couldn’t find in a store. Being the confectionary connoisseur he was, how could he turn down such offers? Just like their baked brethren, these pies came in all sorts of varieties, and also like the baked pies, Soarin was never disappointed by any of them.
He really loved pie.
It was because of that love that he now found himself flying above Ponyville. This had become a common occurrence for him ever since he had found a small bakery hidden in the town that could very well have the best pies in Equestria which, given just how many bakeries Soarin had been to, was no small compliment. He landed in front of the familiar gingerbread house and stepped inside, the little bell above the door clinging as he did so. A patch of bright pink hair could be seen behind the counter, and when the bell clanged, its owner hopped up and greeted Soarin with a huge grin.
“Heya, Soarin! Here for the regular order?” Pinkie Pie asked, her bubbly voice filling the empty bakery.
“Yep! Two pies, fresh from the oven!” He said as he took a seat at a table, eager to dive into his next batch of goodies. Pinkie nodded happily and skipped into the back room. Soarin watched her as she skipped away, his eyes lazily dropping down, catching a hint of the pink pony’s backside just before she disappeared from view. Soarin had wondered, from time to time, just what Pinkie’s pie might taste like. She was a goddess of cooking, there was no doubt about that, so that just increased the possible flavors. Did she taste like cupcakes? Possibly. Apples? No, that was probably the farmer Soarin had seen in the bakery from time to time. Pie? He had to stop himself there. The possible revelations of a pie tasting like a pie were too dramatic, too gut wrenchingly horrifying to even consider. Luckily, his mind wouldn’t have to contend with such frightening possibilities, as Pinkie hopped out of the back room, carrying a serving tray with two steaming pies in her mouth.
“Here ya go, Soarin! One apple pie and one cherry pie, baked just for you!” She set the tray down and jumped away just in time to avoid the spray of crust and cherry Soarin kicked up as he eviscerated the first pie. Experience had taught her that when you stood between Soarin and a pie, you were very likely to end up covered with crust and gooey pie flavorings. “Like them?” She asked the blue whirlwind of destruction.
A guttural noise rose from the back of Soarin’s throat, which Pinkie took as a yes. It only took a few more moments before the cherry pie was completely eaten. Soarin belched so loudly it felt as if a magnitude two earthquake had just hit Sugarcube. Soarin quickly covered his mouth. “Excuse me!” He said with a blush. Pinkie laughed, causing Soarin to smile, though his face was still an uncharacteristic shade of red. “I hope I didn’t wake the babies…”
“Oh, don’t worry! The Cakes took them out to the park today. In fact, I think they left just before you got here.” Soarin began choking on a piece of pie that he hadn’t swallowed, and Pinkie had to whack him on his back to get him to cough it up.
“So… you’re here alone?” He managed to say through raspy coughs. “For the entire day?”
“Yep!” Her cheerful attitude hadn’t diminished at all, despite the fact that Soarin had almost been killed by the one thing he loved most. “Why do you ask?”
“Oh, uh… no reason…” Soarin stuttered, turning his attention to the single pie left on the tray. Well, this was a pleasant surprise!, he thought as he began scarfing down the pie. Pinkie here alone, just me and her. If I play my cards right… He quickly tore through the pie, his thoughts now turned to the other kind of confection.
“Wow, you must have been hungry!” Pinkie said as Soarin finished up. The poor table he had chosen looked like a multicolored war zone. Splotches of apple, cherry, and spittle coated nearly every inch of the polished wood.
“Uh, sorry about that. Guess I got kinda carried away…” Soarin chuckled nervously, mentally slapping himself for screwing up his chances with Pinkie. “I’ll clean it up.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I can get this.” Pinkie pulled a washcloth from seemingly nowhere and began to scrub the table. Soarin strategically moved behind her so he could get a closer look at her flank.
“So, uh, when do you think the Cakes will be coming back?” He questioned, still admiring just how voluptuous Pinkie's motions were.
“Probably not until late afternoon.” She said, still working away, subtly moving her hips in a way that made Soarin question whether or not she was doing it on purpose. Amazingly, she had nearly finished cleaning, even though she hadn’t washed the rag. “Why do you keep asking?”
“Oh, no reason.” He said as nonchalantly as possible.
“You can stop with the charade, Soarin.” She said, catching him off guard. As if by magic, she put the dirty rag away and turned back to him. “I know what you’re implying.”
“W-what!?” He stammered, taken aback by how bluntly Pinkie had turned. She had never acted like this with him before. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!!” Sweat had started to bead on his forehead.
“Don’t play dumb, I can see why you’re here.” She had a sly smile on her face as she sauntered over to the door and flipped the sign from opened to closed. “You’re my best customer, and I don’t think you know just how much I appreciate you…” Her smile grew wider and her eyelids were half closed as she came closer to Soarin. “Why don’t you just follow me, and I can show you something really delicious…” Her tail grazed his chin as she walked up the stairs, deliberately shaking her hips in an exaggerated yet extremely stimulating way.
Soarin was stunned. He could feel his heart beat against his chest as he tried to sort out exactly what had happened. “Okay,” he whispered to himself, “so that wasn’t exactly how I thought it was going to happen, but you can’t argue with results.” He chased after Pinkie, his head throbbing, his mind running through various positions they could try. At the top of the stairs he caught glimpse of a pink mane disappearing into one of the rooms and rushed after it.
Just as he crossed the door’s threshold, it slammed shut, just barely missing his tail in its frame. Soarin turned to find Pinkie standing with a hoof on the door, her eyes locked with his. “No one will see us in here, just the way I want it…” She inched closer and put a hoof on his chest, walking him backwards until he hit the wall. “Now you stay right here while I go get a surprise…” She whispered, giving him a wink before walking to a closet Soarin hadn’t noticed until right then. He watched in anticipation as she opened the closet doors and began rifling through its contents. She gave a small cheer as she apparently found what she was looking for. “Okay, Soarin! I want you to close your eyes, and no peeking!”
Soarin obeyed, shutting his eyes tight. Even through his closed eyes, he picked up a faint pink glow coming from somewhere in the room. He guessed Pinkie had just turned on some hidden lighting she saved for a moment like this. He had never had something like this happen before, but that just made it all the more exciting. He could hear Pinkie get closer and closer, his heart beating along with the hoof steps, until he was certain she was right in front of him. “Okay, you can open your eyes now!”
Whatever he had been expecting, it certainly wasn’t a glowing pink pie in a glass case. “Surprise!” Pinkie shouted. “Do you like it? It’s my super special, all new, never before seen Pinkie Pie!” Soarin couldn’t muster a response. “Aw, you don’t like it?” Pinkie pouted.
“Uh… no, that’s not it…” He muttered, his hopes crushed just like the crust of the pies he had eaten. “I was just… thinking of something else…”
“Thinking of what?”
“Never mind.” He looked down at the strangely glowing pie. The only difference between this one and the ones he ate seemed to be the weird and frankly disturbing pink glow. “Pinkie, that thing’s not radioactive, is it?”
“Of course not, silly! That’s just the special ingredient, to give it a little kick!” Soarin wasn’t so certain he wanted to know just what the ingredient was. He took the top part of the case off and put it down on the floor.
“What’d you call it, Pinkie Pie? You named it after yourself?”
“Uh huh!”
“Well, it fits.” He admitted. The glow of the pie was starting to annoy him. Pinkie Pie didn’t need any help in lifting the mood of a situation, especially not from a pie. “So, what? Do you want me to eat it?”
“Yep! I made this pie especially for you!” Her grin was enormous.
“Okay, if you say so…” Soarin picked up the pie and took an exploratory bite and chewed hesitantly.
The next few moments could be best described as a slaughter the likes of which Equestria had never seen before. If there existed a group dedicated to achieving equality for pies, the massacre in the room would cause its members to spontaneously cry every time they saw the color pink. When all was said and done, nothing remained of the pie, not even a single crumb.
Pinkie was amazed. “Wow, it was that good?!” Soarin could barely muster the brainpower to grunt in response. “I guess Pinkie Pie is ready for wholesale, then! Hey, Soarin, you okay?” He nodded from his position on the ground. He was splayed out, limbs in every direction. He grabbed his head to make sure it stayed on, it was spinning so much.
“Oh god, Pinkie… your pie… I can’t even describe it.” It was true. Soarin had been overcome with such euphoria that he couldn’t even begin to pin down just how wonderful the pie had been. Of all the pies Soarin had eaten in his life, Pinkie’s pie had been, by a wide margin, the best he’d ever had. No other pie came close to the mind blowing deliciousness that was Pinkie Pie.
“Well I hope you saved room for desert.” Pinkie suddenly jumped on him, her face back to its sultry state.
“Whoa, wait a minute!! I thought you just wanted to give me that pie!!”
“Oh, silly, I’m going to give you two pies!”
“What!?”
And then they fucked.
*********
Soarin groaned and rubbed his pounding head. He had no idea what time it was, only that it was much later. He stood up and looked around for Pinkie, not finding her anywhere. Thinking he was alone, his thoughts drifted to the pink pony and her pink pie. As good as Pinkie Pie had been, Pinkie’s pie was somehow, someway, even better. In the span of a day, Soarin had had the greatest pie in his entire life twice, and if it was his destiny to die right then, he would die the most satisfied stallion in the history of Equestria. He was done reminiscing, and called out for Pinkie. “Pinkie? You here?” Only then did he realize that Pinkie was lying on his back. Wondering how he could have possibly missed that, he gently set her down and prodded her. She snorted and her eyes slowly opened, eventually settling on Soarin’s.
“Hiya, Soarin,” she said with a yawn, “how’d you sleep?”
“Good.” He walked over to one of the windows and opened the blinds. Even though he prepared himself, the sun still blinded him for a good few seconds. “So, what are you doing for the rest of the day?”
“Just sticking around the store, in case anyone shows up.” She yawned again and stood up, her mane more frizzled than it usually was. “You wouldn’t happen to have four bits, would you?”
Soarin stepped back from the window and looked at her in confusion. “No, I don’t. Why?”
“You still owe me for those two pies you ate!”
Soarin felt his face turn red. “Pinkie, I didn’t take you for that kind of mare!!”
“What?” Her face lit up in realization and she let out a loud laugh. “No, not those pies! I’m talking about the two pies you ate when you got here!”
“Oh… right…” He knew he forgot something when he left the house today.
“Don’t worry, I know a way you can pay me back…” She said suggestively. Soarin couldn’t help but smile at the prospect of paying Pinkie back for her pies.
*********
An hour later, Soarin found himself washing the never ending stacks of dishes Pinkie kept bringing back to him. She had conveniently forgotten to tell him that the bakery was having a sale that day, and it seemed like the entire town had come out for it.
To his dismay, Pinkie walked into the kitchen with another stack of dishes balanced on her back. “Get soaring, Soarin!” She giggled at her own joke. “I got tons of ponies out there waiting on their dishes!”
“Pinkie, why did the Cakes go out today if they knew there was a sale!?” Soarin asked in exasperation as his wings worked overtime, holding a plate in one and cleaning it with the other.
“Plot convenience!”
Soarin was about to ask what that meant, but bit his tongue. He instead said, "Why do you love torturing me?"
“'Cause it's fun! Now get to those dishes!” She bounded back out, no doubt to bring him another stack of plates. Soarin sighed and continued cleaning. His love of pies had really come back to bite him on the ass this time.
Maybe he didn’t love pies as much as he thought…
He nearly slapped himself for thinking such a thing. What was he thinking? Pies were his sole reason for existence, the light at the end of his tunnel, the nirvana he ascended to each time he took a bite of its heavenly greatness.
God he fucking loved pie.
Pinkie Pie’s Pinkie Pie
Regrettably Written by ObeySaturnGod
