Or, The Case of the Soybean Sex-aid
After zipping my skirt, adjusting my nylons, tossing my panties into my handbag, and taking a moment to restore my hair and makeup to their former fabulous state, and leaving three very satisfied and thoroughly drained security guards behind, I quickly made my way out of the building and down the block to where my car awaited.
As soon as I engaged the engine and merged into traffic, I made the call.
“Call Sunset Shimmer.”
“Calling Sunset Shimmer,” the car’s computerized voice replied. I had taken the liberty of putting it on the “male” setting, giving it a rich baritone which had, in another life, caused me to melt several times on my way to a shoot, which proved to be very useful and cut down on my need to “fluff” myself before the day got underway.
But, as I say, that was another life. My new life provided just as many thrills, and with what I had discovered, enabled me to assist some very dear friends as well.
A yawn greeted me as the call connected. “Hello?” came the dozy voice of Sunset Shimmer.
“Sunset, darling! I hope I didn’t awaken you too late?”
“Rarity?” Sunset asked. “It’s… one in the morning. What’s going on? Are you okay?”
“I am excellent as always.”
“Then why the hell are you calling me at one in the morning?”
I smiled to myself. Poor Sunset hadn’t managed to get a decent night’s sleep in months, ever since she was roped into Twilight Sparkle’s new marital aid empire.
Beanis, Inc. had become a near overnight success with their “farm-to-bedroom, locally sourced, vegan, organic marital aids,” making Twilight one of the rare few who became a successful CEO straight out of high school and took most of our little circle of friends with her. Poor Sunset Shimmer was officially in charge of Accounting and Human Resources, but she had also been Twilight’s long suffering sounding board, usually present whenever Twilight or Wallflower Blush, the head of Beanis Inc. R & D – excuse me – R & B devised a new product. Sunset was the epitome of someone caught between a rock and a hard place. She wasn’t exactly on board with the entire Beanis concept, but the money and other perks of the job were also too good to pass up.
I personally thought it was a shame she never bothered to take advantage of Rainbow Dash’s wonderful cocksmanship skills as one of those perks. Oh well, more for Fluttershy, Wallflower, and myself, I suppose.
But back to the business at hand. “Can you call Twilight and have her meet us at your place. I’ve been working on something I think you’ll find very interesting.”
“Rarity, it is late, I am tired, and while I would never judge you on your choice of career, I don’t really think now’s a good time to look at the dailies of your latest video.”
“Video?” I laughed. “Sunset, darling, you are behind the times. I left that life behind me after that little scare on The Couch. Oh, is it true you still have The Couch in your offices?”
“Twilight won’t let me burn it in the parking lot, so yes.”
I laughed again. “Well, rest assured, darling, I no longer am engaged in that sort of business… well, not for profit, anyway. No no, I have a much more interesting line of work these days, and I think what I’ve been working on could help supply some answers Twilight’s been seeking.”
“Can the dramatics, Rarity,” Sunset grumbled. She can be so cranky when she’s awakened prematurely. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I know who’s behind the Tofussy.”
Silence, then: “My place. Twenty minutes.”
I sipped the tea Sunset had made and placed it on the end table, before looking around the studio apartment. “Really, Sunset, with the money you’re making, one would think you’d have moved to a larger place by now.”
“I’m fine with what I have, thanks.” Sunset folded her arms. My my, she was put out. So tense these days. She really should go a round or two with Rainbow Dash. Or failing that, perhaps a vacation to Equestria to romp with a mare or stallion of her choice.
“Who stole my designs?” Twilight demanded. She hadn’t stopped pacing since I had arrived. “I want to know who thought they could steal from me and get away with it!”
I quirked an eyebrow. Twilight was always high strung, but true anger was unusual. I hadn’t seen her this upset since the Friendship Games.
“Breathe, Twilight,” Sunset said firmly. Twilight nodded, closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. I looked at Sunset, who made a gesture with her hand indicating the topic was not appropriate for discussion at that time.
“Later,” she mouthed.
I nodded in response, and when Twilight had calmed down, I told them who had hacked her system, stole her designs for a tofu-based artificial vagina, and who they were working for.
Twilight and Sunset were always the most intelligent of us all. I’m no slouch in that department, but they were on a whole other level. It’s so gratifying on those rare occasions I can surprise them and see those adorable expressions of shock on their faces.
“Why them?” Sunset said. “It makes no sense.”
“I’m sure I couldn’t tell you. But I’ve been doing some digging on your behalf over the last few weeks and managed to trace the money behind Toy-Fussy Adult Novelties to them. Here’s the results.”
I handed Sunset a professionally bound report I had compiled, detailing every step of my investigation and my findings. As she paged through it, Twilight began seething.
“I want them DEAD! I want their family DEAD! I want their house burned to the GROUND! I WILL NOT HAVE THEM TAKING AWAY THE MARKET WHICH IS RIGHTFULLY MINE!”
I stared as blue fire formed around my friend’s eyes and the shadow of giant wings began developing behind her shoulder blades. Sunset tossed my report aside and, to my surprise, smacked Twilight across the face.
“Fibbonacci sequence!” she yelled. “Go!”
Twilight glared at Sunset and made a low growling in her throat. Sunset was intractable, facing her down without blinking.
“Fibbonacci sequence,” she repeated, softer this time. “Go.”
“Zero… one… one… two… three… five… eight… thirteen…”
As Twilight recited the numbers, her voice softened, and the shadowy wings and fire vanished. Sunset guided Twilight to the couch and sat her down next to me. She handed Twilight her own cup of tea, which Twilght accepted gratefully and sipped. I looked up at Sunset.
“What on earth was that?”
“Something we’ve been trying to keep secret,” Sunset replied. Twilight looked at me, her face flush with embarrassment.
“I’m sorry, Rarity,” she said, her eyes pleading. “Please don’t tell anyone?”
“Discretion is the very essence of my business,” I replied. I reached into the pocket of my blazer and produced one of my business cards. “In fact, that’s part of the reason I wanted to see both of you.”
Twilight took the card and looked up. “’Rarity Investigates?’ You’re a private detective?”
I smiled. “You must admit, back in high school I did have a knack for this sort of thing. I specialize in corporate cases, particularly those with ties to the adult entertainment industry. I’m uniquely qualified in that regard.”
“Can't argue with that.” Sunset picked up my report from the floor and went back to looking through it. “So, what can we do about this?”
“Unfortunately, it appears not much,” I answered. “According to what I found, they've already patented the Tofussy, and in cases like this, the courts usually decide in favor of who got to the patent office first.”
“So you're saying they can just GET AWAY WITH IT?!” Twilight's voice rose in volume. Sunset looked over at her sharply.
“Count down from 100 by threes,” she said, sternly.
“100... 97... 94... 91...”
“That's where my offer comes in,” I said. “I want to offer my services to do some more digging and hopefully find more concrete evidence that they stole your designs. This is just what I was able to find once I'd gotten access to the building. But, to find something the courts will accept, I'm going to need more time, and for that, I'll have to go undercover.”
Twilight opened her mouth, clearly about to accept my offer, but Sunset held up a hand.
“It's not that I don't trust you, Rarity,” she said. “I'm sure you can get the job done, but we're kind of stretched thin financially at the moment after someone decided to outright purchase our offices, rather than something more logical like leasing.”
She glared at Twilight, who blushed and looked at the floor. Sunset returned her gaze to me. “I can't imagine this will be cheap.”
I gasped and put a hand to my chest. “You wound me, Sunset Shimmer. You are two of my dearest friends and I wouldn't think of charging you for this. I am offering my not-inconsiderable investigative prowess pro bono! And...” I let a small wicked smile cross my face as I pulled a USB drive from my bag. “ … I brought you both a little present from Toy-Fussy's files to prove my sincerity.”
Sunset frowned while Twilight looked elated. She grabbed Sunset's laptop from the bag hanging from the banister (that was a new addition) leading to the loft above us. She quickly booted it up and rammed the drive into the appropriate socket (Oh, the innuendo!). I accessed the drive and brought up the files I had pilfered and deleted from the Toy-Fussy servers.
“Ladies, I give you your adversary's latest top secret, and more importantly, as yet unpatented product... the Octofussy!”
Sunset and Twilight stared at the screen at the unholy amalgamation of tofu sculpture on the screen in front of them. Sunset looked equally ill and perplexed while Twilight stared at it like a small child who had just seen their first candy store.
“How the fuck are you supposed to use that?” Sunset asked. “I don't see –“
“I do,” Twilight said dreamily. “It's brilliant.”
She looked up at both of us, the glare from the computer monitor reflecting off her glasses in such a way as to obscure her eyes. “And it will. Be. MINE!”
I blinked and turned away from the rather frightening grin on Twilight's face to Sunset's considerably more rational one. She merely looked annoyed. She sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.
“All right, Rarity. How much if we decide to send you back in to find proof they stole Twilight's designs?'
“As I said, this would be pro bono, darling. However, perhaps we could work out a trade?”
Sunset frowned. “What kind of trade?”
“Well, ever since my little mishap with The Couch – “
“And that's another thing! Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant? I was completely in the dark!”
I blushed and my voice lowered. This was still hard to talk about, but I could trust Sunset to keep quiet. “The pregnancy was non-viable. I was out of school before graduation in order to get some help afterwards.”
Sunset looked uncomfortable. “Oh god. I'm so sorry.”
I gave her a smile. “It's all right, darling. As you said, you didn't know. In any event, I take much greater precautions these days, but sometimes, a girl just wants to have an orgasm or six and one gets so tired of plastic and latex.”
Sunset blinked. “I'm not following you.”
“I want to be a beta tester.”
“Done!” Twilight said, looking away from the computer screen, and much more sane. “We've got a lot coming down the pipe this year, we'll need more beta testers.”
Sunset groaned. “All right, I'll draw up a contract.”
“One other thing, Sunset, darling?”
“Make it quick so I can kick both of you out and go back to bed.”
“Since you still have The Couch, would it be possible for Rainbow Dash and I to use it once a month for the foreseeable future? No offense to your wonderful products, but sometimes, a girl just wants to be bent over an armrest and ravished within an inch of her life.”
Sunset let out a sound between a sigh of surrender and a scream of frustration. “Fine. Sure. Whatever. But you provide the air freshener for afterward, since we legally can't clean the fucking thing.”
“Done!” I stood up and grabbed my bag. “I'll begin making inroads the day after tomorrow and keep you appraised of anything I find. Good night, Twilight, darling!”
“Note to self: look into six, ten, and twelve person configurations. With possible Beanis conjunction accessories.”
I smiled. Some things never change. “Good night, Sunset, darling.”
“Good night, Rarity.” Sunset held her door open for me and I exited the apartment. After the door closed, I paused for a moment to straighten my clothing. Long enough for me to hear:
“Sunset! Make sure you save backup copies of this and send it to Wallflower! This is going to blow the lid of the multi-user sex toy market!”
“There's no such thing as a multi-user sex toy market, Twilight.”
“There will be when I'm done with this!”
“Get the fuck out of my house, Sparkle.”
Author's Note
Rarity officially enters the Beanis Cinematic Universe!
I realize this one isn't as funny or WTF as the other entries in this series, and does get a little dark, but after reading MrNumbers excellent Small Beanis Owners, my brain hit upon this concept and wouldn't let go.
I ran it past Majin Seekyoh, who graciously allowed it to become part of the BCU canon. So yay!
As to who is behind the theft of Twilight's plans? That will be answered in due time...
