Charitable Deduction

by Hivemind

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 1275

Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Bell want to take the Cutie Mark Crusaders global. Fortunately for them, a newfound method of raising money is going to help them do just that.

Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Bell want to take the Cutie Mark Crusaders global. Fortunately for them, a newfound method of swindling raising money is going to help them do just that.

After receiving several complaints from the townsfolk regarding this very method, Twilight Sparkle decides to investigate.

A short writing exercise written in a handful of hours.
Rated 'Teen' for mild language.

Published 2018-05-08 06:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-08 06:20:07 UTC

Grab Their Money

“Girls?”

“Yeah, Twilight?”

“I’ve been getting a lot of worrying complaints from the townsponies recently. You’re not—how can I put this—begging for money, are you?”

“Beggin’?” said Applebloom, cocking her head. She nudged the bucket full of loose bits next to her. “Why would we want to do that?”

“This isn’t begging, Twilight,” Scootaloo corrected, holding up an elaborately-decorated cardboard sign.

“It’s for a good cause!” said Sweetie Bell.

Twilight hummed in contemplation. “If it isn’t begging, then what is it?”

“Crowdfunding!” the Crusaders yelled in unison.

“Everypony’s doin’ it,” said Applebloom.

Sweetie Bell lept from her seat on the grass in the town park. She tapped the bucket full of bits they had received so far. Twilight went wide-eyed. There must have been hundreds, if not thousands, of them. “And, like I said, it all goes to a good cause!”

The three might as well have had the word “suspicious” underlined and bolded across their foreheads, but their smiles were as innocent and genuine as ever. Big, beady eyes, pearly white teeth. With adorable faces like theirs, to accuse them of anything, let alone in public, would have been a major social fopaux.

But Twilight knew them better than that. There were many “good causes” in the world, and theirs had yet to be seen.

“What kind of cause?” Twilight asked, knitting her brows.

“We’re raising money to fund our efforts to help cutie-mark-less colts and fillies all across Equestria!” exclaimed Sweetie Bell.

“Yeah!” said Scootaloo. “If we’re gonna take the name of Crusaders globally we’re gonna need to think bigger than a simple day camp.”

“By raising extra capital, we can afford to reach out to cities across Equestria and provide them with the cutie mark solutions they so desperately need.”

“What kind of solutions?” asked Twilight.

“Exactly!” said Applebloom. “We’ve drilled down and taken a look outside the box and are now focusing on a more holistic approach to cutie mark acquisition. We Cutie Mark Crusaders proactively believe in our capability to assesstimate the situation in each city and generate a unique, low-cost, high quality, high volume solution that we hope will see widespread adoption across multiple markets within the next two years.”

Twilight blinked, moderately amused with Applebloom’s newfound proclivity for business jargon, but she was anything but convinced. “That sounds...overly ambitious, girls. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

Sweetie Bell waved her hooves out in front of her. “No, no! Ambition is good. After we end our crowdfunding campaign, we just need to find a manufacturer and distributor that’s able to provide us with a cheap and efficient business plan to get our solution out to our donors, and fillies and colts in need of course, as quickly as possible.”

Twilight tapped her chin pensively. “So, how does this work?”

“It’s simple,” said Scootaloo. “You donate into certain tiers in order to receive various rewards. The higher the tier, the better stuff you earn.”

“For example,” Applebloom started. “For one bit, you receive our undying thanks, but for five bits you receive a warm, mushy feeling inside, knowing that your bits are going to serve a better cause.” The filly hugged her chest.

“For ten bits, you get a hoof-written thank you note, but really, why limit yourself to ten when you can just spend fifty instead, and receive this amazing—” Scootaloo dug into a box behind her and whipped out a red bandana. The Crusaders’ emblem was stitched into its fabric. “Official Cutie Mark Crusaders Bandana! Now anypony can be a Crusader just like us!”

“But then,” Sweetie Bell whispered, excitedly. “There’s the ultra-special tier, reserved for one donor only. Nopony has claimed it yet.”

“But when they do,” Applebloom continued, her tone delving into secrecy, as though the fate of kingdom rested solely on the shoulders of her next words. “They’ll receive the greatest reward there is!”

Scootaloo crept forward. “They get to spend the entire day...” She suddenly jumped. “With us!”

“Who wouldn’t want to spend an entire day with their heroes if they’re willin’ to donate that kind of money?” asked Applebloom, to nopony in particular. She then covered her mouth with a hoof. “Travelexpensesnotincluded.”

“But...” murmured Twilight, smiling nervously. “Forgive me, girls, but that kinda just sounds like begging with extra steps.”

“It isn’t begging! We’re charitable entrepreneurs, Twilight,” argued Sweetie Bell. “We’re offering a fresh and unique experience that nopony in Equestria has ever seen before.”

Applebloom shoved their gleaming bucket of money towards Twilight. “Why don’t you give it a try, Twilight? For just one bit, the Cutie Mark Crusaders can improve your whole day.”

Twilight thought about it for a moment. The legality of such a new and trendy business practice wasn’t exactly clear to her, but it was just one bit. If nothing else, she could walk away knowing she made them happy.

Twilight conjured a coin purse and retrieved a single bit. She flicked it into the bucket, landing with a musical sound. The fillies beamed, then immediately swarmed her legs, gripping them as tightly as they could whilst rubbing their marshmallowy faces into her fur. It was warm and welcoming.

And it gave her an idea.

A purple hoof knocked on the door of one Mrs. Mittens.

“Coming, coming! Oh, deary me—” shouted the old mare’s voice, muffled from behind the door. Several long moments passed before she opened it, wielding a brush in her magical aura and combing several frustrated kinks out of her white, bushy mane. “Sorry for the wait, deary. I was just fussin’ over some late tax paperwork and—”

She froze, staring at her visitor. “P-Princess Twilight?”

“How do you do, Mrs. Mittens?”

“D’oh, horseapples, I know what this is. I’m sorry, Twilight,” said Mrs. Mittens, taking a few slow steps backward. “I haven’t quite finished filing my taxes yet—ol’ retirement funds and grandkids keepin’ me up late at night—but I was wonderin’ if I could file for an exten—”

“Yes, yes, paperwork and stuff,” interrupted Twilight, waving her hoof. She levitated an empty bucket into the air next to air. “Just toss what you owe into this bucket. No mailing necessary.”

Mrs. Mittens softly gasped, heartbroken. “N-Now?” Twilight nodded, wearing a cheerful, shit-eating grin. The old unicorn swore under her breath as she trotted back inside. When she returned with her coin purse, she opened it and dumped the entirety of its contents into the bucket. “There. You all done draining an old mare’s coffers for the ‘greater good’ of Equestria?”

Twilight had stopped paying attention. She gestured with her hoof towards unseen dots in the air, punching each as they appeared like some giant, invisible calculator. Eventually she reached a consensus.

“Aha! That puts you in the Silver tier!” She exclaimed, opening her saddlebags. “As a reward for your contribution to the prosperity of our fair town, you’ve been made eligible to receive this free Princess Celestia coffee mug, in addition to being able to take pride in knowing that your money is going towards a very good cause!”

Said coffee mug was levitated onto Mrs. Mittens doorstep. “Your taxes hard at work. Isn’t it wonderful? Anyway, see you next time!” said Twilight, bidding her farewell with a wave before cantering down the road. She felt like such a generous and charitable leader! Why didn’t she think of this before? She could barely contain her excitement as she went onward, ready to brighten everypony's day with the sight of free gifts****.

*applicable only if you are a tax-paying citizen/silver tier and above.
*returns/refunds not accepted.
*made in Marechuria.
*good causes subject to sudden and/or unannounced termination.