Before Beanis

by MagnetBolt

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Rainbow Dash (EqG), Equestria Girls, Sex
Length: 2077

Rainbow Dash is burdened with terrible purpose. And penis.

Rainbow Dash has a dick.

It's a terrible responsibility.

An unasked-for prequel to the Beanis Cinematic Universe

Published 2018-05-09 00:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-09 00:00:06 UTC

In The Beanginning, There Was Dash

Awesomeocity can be both a curse and a blessing and is definitely a word.

The blessing was mostly for other people. I envied them because they got to do something I couldn’t. They got to spend time with me, Rainbow Dash, the most awesome person they’d ever meet. I’d never get to have that experience because I was already on top. Everyone I met would be stuck below me on that pyramid of cool.

Speaking of people being under me, there’s the curse part of being awesome. Mostly the curse involves chafing, so it helps if you always carry some lube around for lube emergencies.

I pulled myself out of Nurse Redheart like King Arthur freeing Excalibur from the stone. Except the sword is my penis. She was the stone. We banged.

“So about the school physical,” I said, stretching to work the kinks out.

Nurse Redheart mumbled something, still looking dazed.

“Oh, cool, my form is still here!” I picked it up. “I can just fill this out myself, right?”

She waved vaguely at me. I took that to be permission and filled in a few numbers. For one thing, my height was too low. I added an inch, then erased that and made it two inches. That seemed right. Weight was way off, so I trimmed that down.

“Awesome! If you could just…” She wasn’t in any condition to stand, so I put the pen in her hand and pressed it against the form. Nurse Redheart scribbled something. Probably a signature. I’d never actually learned how to read cursive.

“See ya next semester!” I pulled on my clothing and walked out of her office.

It didn’t occur to me that I should have covered her up or closed the door or something until the next student in line walked in. There was a scream.

I pretended I didn’t hear anything and walked faster. It wasn’t my fault that this happened every time someone wanted to see my dick.

“Whatcha thinking about?” I thought hanging out with Twilight would be a good way to spend time waiting for Flutters to get out of her animal husbandry class. I wasn’t allowed within a hundred feet of the building after I made a little mistake.

I mean they call it husbandry how was I supposed to know they didn’t mean it that way?

“I am in the middle of an important discussion, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said, typing furiously on her phone. She paused. “Do you know how to make a square root symbol using the default keyboard app?”

I tried to remember what that looked like.

“Um,” I thought. “That’s the one like a figure eight with a weird part, right?”

“...Are you talking about an ampersand?”

“No, we’re talking about the square root symbol.”

Twilight gave me a weird look, and I thought she was gonna say something else but she just shook her head and went back to her phone.

“So why are you arguing about square boots or whatever?”

“Someone on the internet is wrong.”

“Uh huh.”

“They’re trying to say that point nine repeating isn’t equal to one!” She grumbled and typed harder. “I don’t know who Razzle_Dazzle is but I’m going to prove them wrong no matter how long it takes!”

“Wait.” I sat up. “You think a bunch of nines in a row equal one?”

“I don’t think it, Dash, it’s just a fact.”

“But they don’t equal one,” I pointed out. “They’re pretty close, but ninety nine percent isn’t equal to a hundred. You gotta add one at the end.”

“No, Dash, you can’t-” She took a deep breath and muttered something under her breath about serenity. “You can’t add one at the end! There’s no end!”

“It still isn’t gonna equal one.” I shrugged.

“One-third is the same as point three repeating, right?”

I shrugged and nodded. “Okay.”

“And three thirds is one.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And three times point three repeating equals point nine repeating.”

“Seems right to me.”

“So point nine repeating equals one!”

“Nah, you still have to add one at the end.”

Twilight made a bunch of sounds like that time Fluttershy wanted to try autoerotic asphyxiation and then threw her phone.

“Oh wow!” I watched it go. “You should try out for the softball team. You have a great throwing arm!”

The phone sailed gracefully into the street like a brick, and hit the windscreen of a passing car, also like a brick. I winced as it swerved up onto the curb, brakes screeching.

“Somebody’s in trouble,” I smirked.

Vice-Principal Luna slammed the car door as she got out. I’d never seen her so angry. It was pretty hot. Also pretty scary.

She pointed at me. Oh crap. It was me. I was the one in trouble.

“RAINBOW DASH!”

“I didn’t need to hear that,” Twilight grumbled, face-down in a textbook that I’m like ninety percent sure wasn’t for any subject actually taught at the school.

“What?” I shrugged. “It’s true. Total terror-boner.”

“I’m almost entirely sure that’s not a real term.”

I decided not to argue with her. It wasn’t my fault that I had a big vocabularium and she misunderestimated me. My phone beeped, and I looked up at the teacher. Mrs. Cheerilee was busy trying to grade a stack of tests and wasn’t paying much attention. To be honest she was pretty cool as a teacher - I’d say hot, but I’d never seen her naked. Yet, anyway.

I pulled out my phone and shot a quick apology to Fluttershy.

“Ugh. Flutters is gonna kill me,” I groaned. “That’s twice I had to lame out on her.”

“I’m sure whatever it is can wait a day,” Twilight said. “At least you don’t have to explain to your parents why you got detention for the first time.” She sighed. “And even worse, my custom cell phone case didn’t hold up to the stress. Bioplastics just aren’t ready for high impact environments, I suppose.”

“You could just buy a phone case like everyone else.”

“That defeats the point,” Twilight said, sitting up with her back straight in what I recognized as the beginning of a lecture.

I’d made a terrible mistake. The last thing I wanted to do was learn anything today.

“You see, I want to start my own small business. I’ve done multiple psychological studies on myself and I determined I wouldn’t be nearly as productive in a corporate environment. The problem is finding a niche that I can fill with a product of my own design. Phone cases are all flawed - they’re either too bulky, too weak, or too heavy. My design is vegan, eco-friendly, recyclable. I found a way to make them out of bean paste, so technically they’re even edible in an emergency.”

“Save me the sales pitch, Twi.”

She rolled her eyes. “The point is, I was hoping to sell them. But I won’t sell a flawed product. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong place…”

“If you need money, I could use a favor, and I’ll totally pay you for it.”

“I’m not writing any term papers for you.”

Damnit

“I have another favor, then. But it doesn’t pay as well.”

Twilight gave me a look. It was the same kinda look my parents gave me when they caught me and Fluttershy in the middle of what I had tried to explain away as getting dressed.

“I need someone to go to the pharmacy and get, uh…” I leaned in closer to whisper.

Her expression changed from puzzled to shocked when I told her.

“You’re pregnant?!” She hissed.

“No, no,” I said. She relaxed. “I accidentally got Fluttershy pregnant. It’s for her.”

Twilight tilted her head, took off her glasses, cleaned them, then put them back on.

“I knew the standards of education at Canterlot High weren’t quite as high as Crystal Prep but I at least assumed the sex-ed classes were good enough to serve their purpose.”

“Hey, our teachers are plenty sexy.”

“That’s not- I’m not even-” Twilight rubbed her temples. “Rainbow Dash, a girl can’t get another girl pregnant. I’m sure whatever you did was fun, and I really don’t want details of your sex life, but I assure you that there’s absolutely no way what you two did can result in-”

“I have a penis.”

She stopped talking.

I shrugged.

“What?”

“I have a penis,” I repeated. Maybe she wasn’t as smart as I thought. All that math probably does stuff to a person’s brain.

“That’s imposs-” She froze in place and I could almost see her think harder about it. “It’s highly unlikely. It’s not a result of magic, is it? Do any of the other girls have penises? Do they all have penises? Should I be expecting… changes?”

“Nah, they don’t,” I assured her. “Fluttershy definitely doesn’t.”

“I see. And is it because of magic or…?”

“Hey, bigger concerns,” I paused. “Eyes are up here, Twilight.”

She looked away from my crotch and tried to pretend she hadn’t been staring. I couldn’t blame her, but I didn’t want her to get distracted with my awesomeness.

“So can you go to the pharmacy or not?” I asked.

“My mother would kill me if I bought Plan B!” Twilight shook her head. “And that’s after my brother made me tell him why I was buying it so he could get his hands on whoever got his hands on me!”

“So much for that,” I grumbled.

“Why don’t you just buy condoms, or something?”

“They won’t help me unless you have a time machine.” I looked closely at her. “Do you have a time machine? Because you’ve got a lot of other weird crap, so…”

“If I had a time machine I’d use it to avoid ever having this conversation.”

I looked around just to make sure no time-rifts opened up. It would have been pretty cool if a third version of Twilight popped out with a German accent and cyborg parts under her skin, but no dice.

“Fine, I’ll get Rarity or somebody to help. She owes me a favor anyway.” I leaned back. “Anyway, even if we had condoms, Flutters doesn’t like ‘em. I don’t either, really. We even tried using, you know, toys. But she wasn’t a fan.”

Twilight hesitated. “Should I ask why?”

“It just wasn’t realistic enough,” I said. “I can’t blame her. She’s spoiled with the real thing. There’s nothing out there that’s nearly as good as my pocket rocket.”

“...So you’re saying there’s a market gap?”

“And it would need to squirt. She likes that.”

Twilight nodded and made notes. She started sketching something and I shook my head.

“Bigger. That’s only like… an inch and a half tall. It needs to be at least five times that big.”

“It’s not to scale, Dash.”

“I don’t care how much it weighs.”

“That’s not- what?” Twilight looked up at me looking somewhere between disappointed and upset. “Just because I used the word scale… how are you even passing your classes?”

“I’ve been the star player on the high school soccer team for the last six years,” I said, proudly.

“High school is only four years.”

“Look, just trust me and make it at least like, this big.” I showed her with my hands. “It’s gotta be as big as mine. Maybe not as big. I don’t want Fluttershy to like it better than me. I’ll let you figure out the science.” I took the pencil and drew a penis at the right size. “Like this, though.”

“What are you two girls doing?” Cheerilee leaned over my shoulder.

“It’s, um,” Twilight hesitated.

Cheerilee snorted. “Please. They’re not that big.”

I frowned. “Uh, yes it is,” I said. I wasn’t gonna let her say my bang-stick (I learned about those during shark week, totally a perfect word for my rod) wasn’t at least as big as I’d drawn it.

She giggled. I folded my arms.

“I just don’t want you girls getting unrealistic expectations.”

“It’s not unrealistic,” I said, standing up. “Look, I’ll show you.”

“Show me what?”

“Twilight, I’ll be back in an hour.”

I checked my pockets to make sure I had lube. Awesomeocity was a terrible responsibility.

Author's Note

I think I spent more time looking for cover art than I did actually writing this.

Gotta say these are great for getting through a little writer's block!