Celestia Saves Equestria With Her Acting

by Adorkable Sunshine

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Comedy, Royal Guard, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1862

Because she's not that good.

Because she's not that good.

Like Really...

Really not that good at her job.

Sequel to Luna Saves Equestria In Her Sleep

Made Popular On 5/31/18

Published 2018-05-31 14:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-31 14:10:06 UTC

The Drama

Celestia stood outside the mighty gaping cave mouth of Mount Anubis, the sky a clouded grey with few clouds hovering across the abyss. The sun she worked so hard to lift for the land to enjoy, hidden away by the dreary haze that covered the Badlands.

The elegant alicorn stood proudly in front of the icy opening into the darkness, a howl of wind blowing her mane back wildly. A small group of three guards accompanied her, each wearing heavy golden armor that shone like the sun as each was willing to die this morning to protect the princess.

“Dear Celestia, allow me to go forth and talk to these beasts!” The first guard spoke, a red stallion that was built like a castle with glowing gold eyes and a stern gaze.

“No, Goldenrod! You still have much to give for this land.” She spoke in a soft melodic tone, her eyes gazing to the second guard who stepped up.

He was a lean stallion with a blue coat, he held close to his heart a long spear waiting patiently to taste Diamond Dog blood. His eyes a icy green hue, he was calm and collected as all warriors should be.

“I can thrust forward my princess, so quick and swift that the Diamond Princess would fall before I was even caught!”

“Neigh Blue Bolt, this can only be handled by words.” She lifted a hoof and gently caressed the mane of her warrior, showing him tender reassurance.

The last guard was a violet mare, she held back growing mist within her eyes. Walking away from the group and over to a nearby ledge, orange eyes watching the land over the horizon with sorrow and yet new hope.

Celestia took her steps carefully, slowly coming behind the only pegasus among the earth ponies in her group. Her slender hoof gently placed atop the mare’s shoulder, a soft echo of the wind filling the air around them.

“Ever since those monsters closed all trade routes through Equestria, the land has started to suffer once more.”

“I know.” Celestia took her spot at the side of the mare,

“I walk into small towns, seeing little children starving in the streets and grown mares unable to bathe their foals without access to the wells.”

“...”

“It was your sister who ignited this war, on that cold Canterlot night. With all respect why must you finish it?” The mare spoke in a cracking voice, tears rolling down her cheeks as she burst into delicate sobs.

“Shhh my little pony. What I do alone, is what I desire to do for my subjects.” The Princess gave a bright smile, embracing the young warrior in a loving hug.

“You’re going to perish, aren’t you?”

“Have faith Wind Walker, diplomacy is like acting.” Was all the alicorn would whisper.

Taking a deep breath she lifted her backside into a poised position, her warrior’s three each saluting her brave nature while she slowly walked deeper into the abyss. The mare wanted to scream out for her to stop, yet she held her tongue and closed her eyes.

Within seconds, she was gone.

A Large canine warrior exploded through the large stone doors to the throne room, he wore large silver heavy armor that held down his towering frame a sleek broad axe strapped to his backside by leather. The throne room was covered in golden walls, jewels of all kinds adorned the many treasures found within.

A mighty wide throne sat right in the middle of the room, made of pure platinum that shone like a beacon of light deep within the dank caverns. Sitting atop the throne was a small Diamond Dog puppy, she had brown dirty fur and short cropped auburn hair with a small sparkling gold tiara upon her head.

“Princess Zirconia! A pony ruler wishes to speak with you!” The mutt of a guard spoke in harsh tones to the puppy, who in return gave a small fang filled snarl.

“Is it pony who embarrassed the Diamond Army!” The puppy sat up on her hind legs upon the throne, eyes burning with vengeance.

“Nay! It is the sister of said pony, the one called Sunbutt…”

“Grrr! So Sunbutt comes to face my might, let her pass so I may make her beg!”

“As you wish!” He gave a loud roar aloud, walking out of the room to fetch the feeble creature.

“Fufufu! I shall make the Butt beg for the trade routes to open, when she is on her knees I shall then deny! Mwhahaha!” The spoiled puppy burst into howls of laughter, the thoughts of starving ponies filling her with glee.

Within seconds the guard returned once more, his mighty paws smashing holes into the dirt floor as he galloped to the side of his princess. His lungs burning from a lack of air, yet he still held true and lifted his paws.

“I present to you, Sunbutt!” He gave a loud roar, the puppy watching in interest as Celestia gave a slow and calm entrance into the royal hall.

“Whut pony want?” The puppy spoke in a stern voice, eyes locking upon the calm collected eyes of this weak pony.

“Ahem! I come before ye, in search of…” Celestia burst into a tone of voice that was odd, as if she were over exaggerating everything.

“...” The puppy just stared blankly.

“.......” Celestia held her dramatic pause, slowly lifting her hooves in front of her into the sky.

“Puppy demands…”

“Peace!...aye.” The alicorn burst out into a loud yell, swiftly lowering her hooves to her side.

“Pizza?” The puppy tilted her head to the side confused.

“Nay peace...aye.”

“Aye?” The guard spoke slowly in a lost for words.

“Aye.” Celestia nodded.

“Peace…” The puppy spoke up slowly.

“Aye! I search for it much like a canine searches for diamonds, hidden under the dirt of mistrust and held back by the boulders of adversity!” Celestia slowly took a few steps forward, her hooves flaunting across the room wildly.

“I care not for your woes, feeble…”

“But why not?! Aren’t we all just souls lost within the soil of hate?” Celestia gave a soft sigh and lowered her head in silence.

An eerie quiet soon filled the room to an uncomfortable degree, the puppy gave a long blank stare to the pony as she was indeed not what she was expecting. Her guard holding his breath, the pressure building deep within his lungs much like the suspense within the room.

“...” Zirconia bit her lower lip silently.

“...” Celestia continued to look into the ground at her hooves, a single tear rolling down her cheek soberly.

“As I was…” The puppy parted her lips to speak up, needing to break the silence.

“A SOIL CREATED BY WHAT! DIFFERENCES!?” The mare gave a Royal Canterlot Voice, the booming thunder of her otherworldly tone shaking the very foundation.

“Your sister embarrassed my men!”

“Your men embarrassed my sister! As she had to live down the shame of falling asleep, when her kingdom needed her the most!” Celestia gave an over exaggerated scoff of shame, walking over to the young puppy and extending a slender if not muddy hoof.

“Git yer filthy foot out of my face!” The puppy snapped, her nose scrunching up cutely.

“Can’t we all just get along?” Celestia slowly tapped the cheek of the child on the throne, a small smear of mud oozing down her fur.

“Stop it!”

“I’m offering you peace in our time.”

“You’re poking me with a nasty…” The child gave a small gag as the mare slowly placed her hoof atop her shoulder.

“Grrrr! Kill the PONY!” Zirconia gave a loud hiss, her guard who was in a deep daze of awe at this farce quickly slashed at the alicorn with his large axe.

Celestia let out a loud shrill whinney, toppling back slowly from the devastating blow to her frail frame. The alicorn slowly rolling onto her side as she tumbled down to the ground with a loud thud, quickly holding up her hoof in shock and agony.

“Woe is I! Struck down while offering peace, what a more agonizing fate could there be!” Celestia quickly slung up to her hooves, rushing to the child’s side and caressing her face with muddy hooves.

“...” She watched on in awe.

“Tell my ponies I died protecting our morals! Tell my sister I never once thought she was fat! “ Celestia gave a loud cough of pain and quickly squashed the cheeks of the puppy together, looking her deep within her eyes and sobbing.

“But most of all, tell Twilight to put down the book...and...go….outsi…” Celestia slid down to the floor dramatically, head rolling back as her lids came to a soft close.

Two X’s drawn over her eyelids.

“ “Clap” “Clap” “Clap” “ The guard who struck her down gave a reaction, fighting back tears from rolling down his face.

“Grrrr!” The puppy gave a death stare to her henchmen, the large dog quickly returning back to normal stance.

Celestia was still on the ground never moving, her breathing slight but still very noticable. Slowly the odd silence once more began to take hold, the puppy giving a loud annoyed groan.

“Is Sunbutt dead?” The guard gave a dumbfounded question aloud.

“Of course not! Rise you foolish pony!”

Celestia never once budged.

“I said rise!”

Celestia slowly swallowed a lump in her throat.

“I think I killed her…” The guard spoke up.

“I just saw her swallow...There she’s moving her hoof!” The puppy gave a loud scream, pointing to Celestia who was quickly scratching her muzzle with her hoof before returning to play dead.

“I didn’t catch it.” He spoke in a slow manner.

“That’s it! ENOUGH!” Zirconia stood up upon her throne, eyes filled with annoyance and her head pulsing with a headache.

“....” Celestia still played dead.

“Fine the trade routes are open! The ponies may pass and whatever else they need, just stop annoying meh!” The puppy gave a loud scream out in defeat, Celestia slowly standing up and taking a small bow.

“Thank you. I knew we could come to an agreement.” Celestia gave a small squee, swiftly cantering out of the throne room happily.

“I hate ponies…” Zirconia gave a confused and tired moan, her revenge would have to wait.

Outside the cave entrance, the royal guard waited in bated breath. To the surprise of each, Celestia slowly trotted out into the light of the outside proudly. The world now feeling brighter, the smiles of her subjects filling her heart with joy.

Knowing ahead of time from a fabulous white unicorn, that the Diamond Dog’s biggest weakness was that they could be annoyed far too easily.

“But how?” Wind Walker ran over, embracing the alicorn in a tight embrace.

“As I said, Diplomacy is like acting.” Celestia gave a sly wink, looking over to Goldenrod.

“Also Golden dear, make sure to send Raspberry Beret and Rarity a gift basket.” Celestia gave a soft giggle.

“Of course! But why?”

“Let’s just say, they helped me give a performance of a lifetime.”