In which Masterweaver just makes stuff up

by Masterweaver

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 18853

A bored FiMfiction author decides to screw with his audience, leading to a most bizarre and chaotic series of events. Why does he do this? Where does he get the inspiration? And most importantly, is there going to be clop? Only time will tell...

What happens when a bored FiMfiction author decides to take advantage of his rising popularity and subject his audience to horrors more random then the children of Discord and Pinkie Pie? Will the moderators clamp down on him for being too meta? Will he be able to defend the First Posters? And does he have any appropriate background music for the inevitable clop scene demanded by his fans?

One thing's for sure, he should lay off the hat polish....

Published 2012-10-18 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-28 03:31:47 UTC

And then Rainbow was a zombie

"TWILIGHT, you just GOTTA help me!"

The unicorn managed to keep herself from flinching as the pegasus charged her. "I'm sorry, Rainbow, but unless I know exactly how this happened I can't do anything without possibly hurting you."

"But I'm a zombie! I don't want to be a zombie!" Rainbow Dash gestured at the rotting remnants of her wing. "Just look at this, how am I going to fly?!"

"You could stick a rocket on your back," Pinkie offered, "I know where they come in bulk! Just think, DASHIE THE ROCKET ZOMBIEEEE!"

"Technically she's a ghoul, not a zombie."

"DASHIE THE ROCKET GHOOOOOOUL!"

The rainbow-maned pegasus stamped her hoof. "No! This is not awesome! This is... sub-awesome! Zombies are killed by the kill people, they aren't the cool people!" She paused, lifting her leg to her face. "Aw, hay, look. MY LEG IS FALLING OFF. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. FIX IT."

Twilight facehooved. "I already told you, I need to know how this happened before I do anything." She headed over to the bookshelves. "Dark magic, dark magic... huh, what do you know, there are multiple forms of dark magic. Wow, the more you know."

"You never studied dark magic?" Pinkie tilted her head. "Huh, I thought you were the multi-master mage of mana!"

"One, mana is just an energy snack. Bland, too. Two, dark magic is technically, how do I put this, illegal without a princess-mandated license. Fortunately Celestia saw fit to give me one after the whole Crystal Empire thing."

"Oh yeah! Man being crystal was so neat, I could make music just by clicking my hooves together!"

Twilight nodded. "My magic was greatly increased too...."

Rainbow Dash glanced away. "I just looked girly. I mean, awesome, but... not in an awesome way."

"Hey, I don't think your fans cared. They sent us all those plushies!"

The pegasus rolled her eyes. "Don't remind me... AJ's been giving me these looks and I think she's wearing lipstick now. LIPSTICK. Applejack with LIPSTICK." She gagged.

"She can wear whatever bizarre make up she likes. No need to sound so disgusted."

"Actually I think I just coughed up my liver."

Twilight turned around with a grin. "Oh good, I'll need that to test for...."

She glanced at the organ on the ground.

"...Rainbow, that's your pancreas, not your liver."

"Well sooooooor-ry, I never had Pony Guts 101."

"I did!" Pinkie piped up. "It's really great knowing exactly what a pony can stomach when you're cooking because then you can put together the weirdest combinations and so long as they don't throw up they'll only call it exotic which is really very neat!"

Zombie and unicorn stared at the beaming baker.

"...okay, never touching Pinkie's experiments again."

"Aw, come on Dashie, you're dead! It couldn't hurt that much!"

"Not that this isn't fascinating from a purely scholarly point of view, but I think we should focus on one world-altering event at a time." Twilight rolled her eyes and opened a massive tome, flipping through the pages. "Specifically, Rainbow's post-mortum animation. Now, I understand this question might confuse you, Dash, but I have to ask it: Do you have any idea how you died?"

"Um... no?"

The unicorn sighed. "Okay, how about this: Was there anything so very awesome that you've done recently that you thought you should have died?"

"Um... how recent is recent?"

Pinkie tapped Rainbow's wing experimentally. "Judging by the state of the rot on this thing I'd guess, hmmm, three to four weeks ago."

The pegasus stared at her.

Twilight coughed. "I don't even want to know how you knew that."

"Well you see, back on the rock farm my sister--"

"I'm sure it's a long and very interesting story with many crazy shenanigans that justify your knowledge of how a pony's body rots but I really have to focus on this problem or I'll get distracted with all my research and quite frankly I don't want that to happen. I understand you're trying to be helpful, Pinkie, and I genuinely appreciate it, just...." Twilight Sparkle waved a vague hoof trying to find a polite way to express her point.

"You're distracting," Rainbow said bluntly.

The baker blinked. Then her face contorted into a scowl. "You know what, fine! See if I help you in Chapter Five!" She stormed out of the library and slammed the door behind her.

Rainbow Dash sighed. "Yeah... yeah, I could have handled that better, no need to lecture me Twilight. I'll try to make it up to her as soon as you figure out how to fix this."

"...you know, when she slammed the door, your wing fell off."

"Twi? Focus."

The unicorn shook her head. "Right. Sorry." She gave the pegasus a stern look. "Like I said, I need to know when you could have died. So....?"

"....well, okay. I guess there was this one thing I did. It was a super awesome stunt--"

"--why am I not surprised--"

"--which had been attempted but not achieved at least once a year. I read up all about it, made sure Fluttershy was nearby in case I had to go to the hospital, aaaaaand I may possibly have passed out from lack of air."

"So... you suffocated to death."

Rainbow shrugged. "Well, I guess that's possible. Fluttershy was standing over me, like, fifteen minutes later. So, yeah."

Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow. "Fluttershy? Nopony else was around?"

"Well... no."

The two of them looked at each other.

"...do you think Fluttershy did this?"

"Maybe, but even if she didn't we should talk to her. She probably saw who actually did do it."

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I don't know how Fluttershy would know dark magic though..."

Twilight sighed. "If it was her... well, technically I'd be obligated to report her to the princesses, unless she has a license. Which I guess is possible but... when would Celestia have given her permission to do that?"

"It could have been Luna."

The unicorn snorted. "Just because she's the night princess doesn't mean she studies dark magic. Anymore. And besides, I don't think Luna would do that."

Pinkie drowns her sorrow

"I'm... I'm telly ya, Berry, these ponies, jus, jus don't be respecting me."

Pinkie slid her mug forward, turning to the bar's regular with a woozy look. "I mean, I am making all these parties, right? All of them. All to cheer up, you know, everypony. So then they turn around and say, Pinkie's the party pony, and I am, but when I wanna do something that, that's not partying everypony goes oh my gosh something issssssss wrong!"

"I know, I know whatcha... wacha mean, Pinks. My talent ish, you know, wine and booze and all that, buuuut shee, they poniesh are thinking, she's drunk on every day. No no no. I shtay sober on the weekends. And Woden's days. Gotta bee a good mommy, yaknow? I'sh even trying to cut back, sho, sho Ruby can shtay with me. She doesh anyway but I wanna make shure I keep her real shaaaaaaaaaafe."

"I know, right? Like, like for you it's being drunk, but for me they say Pinkie ish a constant sugar rush! She eats fourty cakesh fer breakfast, and that'sh terrible!" Pinkie snorted. "I do not. I eat fourty pancakesh. With syrup. Shcompletely different. And, and and I make breakfast fer mishter and mishus Cake, and Pumpkin too. Pound never eatsh his breakfast though."

The mares took a swig from their respective mugs.

"...maybe they think I eat the Cakes like the pony Cakes?"

Berry Punch snorted. "If they think that, then yoush would be arrested. Like, for realshies. I got arreshted a couple of times, but it wash all fine. Like bits for the fine." She giggled. "Shee that? I jusht made a punzy."

"That... that wash a good one." Pinkie giggled.

"But... there wash this one time. I got arrested fer, fer, fer being a bad mommy. Shaid I was negligent. Meaning, that, that I was ignoring Ruby." She sobbed. "I, I was so scared, I was so scared..."

The party pony leaned over, patting the purple mare gently. "Ish okay... Yer a good mommy right? I mean, you get her food and shelter and, and you give her love. Like a lot. You'sh do anything for her, right?"

"Yeah... Yeah, I... but they didn't shee that." Berry sniffed. "If... if Dinky, she stood up for me. If she hadn't... I..." She took a deep breath. "What am I doing, Pinkie? Should I, you know, change?"

"Dash da thing.... You are alwaysh changing." Pinkie flung a wide hoof. "Dash what being live means. You grooooooooooooooooooooow like a tree. Like Fluttershy. She's, like, you know, a tree wish wings."

"But, but, if I'm being a bad mommy for Ruby..."

"Hey. How'sh you being bad?"

Berry blinked. "Well... I sho drunk, I can't helps her homework... And, and when I get wild ideash, I haveta, ya know, sometimes I just haveta!"

"Welsh, I get wild ideas all the time. And I do a lotsh of them. Did I ever, ever show you my gyrocoptertron? I fleeeeeeew. Like a big colorfulsh washpy."

"But yer, yer whild ideash are like, you know, kiddo ideas. No fence."

"There'sh no fensce here, silly filly, this is a bar!"

Berry giggled. "Good points.... but what I'm shaying ish, ish shometimes I wanna break down a wall..."

"Why?"

"I dunno!"

"Wanna find out?"

"No, shee, that's what I'm saying! It, it would be bad."

"There you go, then. Yer holding your shelf. Back. Yourshelf back." The baker giggled. "Sho you know how not to be a bad mommy, sho you know how to be a good mommy. Dash logic."

"Rainbow Dash knows logic?"

"Well, shometimes! When it'sh awesooooooooome."

Two mugs slid forward for a refill.

"Ya know... ya know, I dunno bout Raaaaainbow." Berry waved a hoof in the air. "She ish shooooo obsesshed with shpeed. But, but she's the L mint of low tally."

"Element of loyalty."

"Dash what I said, shilly. Shee what I'm thinking ish, ish if her spechal talent ish going really really faaaaasht, then she should be raishing all over. Wish meansh, leaving ponies behind. Abandoning them. But she's low tally." The purple mare took a deep swig of her drink. "I mean, what."

"Hey, I'm the element of laughter and I'm not that funny."

Berry Punch gave Pinkie Pie a deadpan look.

"...okay, so I am that funny. Shoe me. But.... you know, I'm thinking like, like, generosity, that's Rarity, and she's shoooooooo.... you know?"

"Diva?"

"Blessh you. She's sho frou frou and wantsh to be pretty, but she's generosity." Pinkie tapped her hoof. "An, an, AJ. She runs a bushinesh. Sho when the truth confli...fights with the bushinesh she hashta decide?"

"Whatshu saying? The L mintsh jush go to... what?"

"...They go to who need them, I think." Pinkie nodded. "Sho... you would neeeed.... I dunno, you'sh sheem ta be depressed. Maybe Laughter?"

"Huh... maybe..."

"An tha mi, mi jus be why all tha weird thingsh happen around you. And me. Laughter iiiiiish the element of zaaaaaaani."

"That would eshplain everything."

Pinkie nodded. "Everything."

"Everything, filly."

"Sho right. Everything."

"Like, every lil thing. Every thing, you gotsh it?"

"Oh yeah. Everything."

The two basked in their revelation, pondering the nature of the universe through the warped vision they had subjected their minds to.

Then Berry realized something. "Waaaaait. Lasht time you were here, you shaid, shaid, shaid you can't get drunk!"

"Yesh.... sho?"

"Sho you're drunk."

Pinkie showed her her mug. "Not really. Shlemonade. Plashebo." She hiccuped. "Worksh with plashebo. Alcohol shobers me up."

Berry punch nodded. "Tha... that makesh sho much senshe. Wha time ish it?"

"I... think.... I dunno." Pinkie turned to the clock next to her, peering at it. "Ish... three... ten?"

"Oh." Berry Punch finished off her drink, pushing it to the bartender. "Ish gotta go get Ruby. From shooooool. Sho she can... do... thingsh. Hey, yawanna come with?"

"Eh, shure. I got nothing better to do." Pinkie drained her mug in one, long gulp, slamming it down and gasping. "Sho, um... where ish the shool?"

Oh by the way Fluttershy's immortal

"FLUTERSHY!"

Twilight rammed her hoof repeatedly against the cottage door, hoping her loud banging would quickly summon her shy friend. Her hopes were not unfounded, as the pegasus soon peered through a slight crack at the unicorn. "Um... hello, Twilight. And, um... pony... under a sheet?"

"It's me, Shy," Dash said flatly.

"...oh." Fluttershy sighed, letting the door swing open and backing up. "Alright... come on in, I won't resist." She sat on her couch dejectedly as her friends stepped into her parlor, rubbing her hoof nervously.

The librarian and the weathermare shared a look.

"....soooo, um." Twilight shut the door quietly. "You... can do dark magic?"

"...yes."

"Are you, um, aware that it's illegal without a permit?"

"Oh I have a permit!" Fluttershy reassured quickly. "It's... a bit old, but I think it's still valid!"

The unicorn blinked. "O...oh. That's surprising.... can I see it?"

"Ah..." The pegasus opened and closed her mouth a few times. Then, with a sigh, she got up. "Well, I suppose you were going to figure it out anyway."

She trotted over to a cabinet, opening a drawer. Twilight and Rainbow watched as she reached in, shifted something around... and pulled the drawer out even further then it had been, to the point where it was three times as long as the cabinet itself. Fluttershy glanced up, giving the physical impossibility a sheepish wave, before reaching in and grabbing a mahogony box. Then she pushed the drawer back to its normal length, shifted something inside it, and shut it entirely.

"That..." Rainbow Dash stared at the cabinet in shock. "That... how...?

"That's a, a, a high level quantum extension enchantment!" Twilight pointed at the drawer. "That... you're a pegasus! How did you do that?!"

"Well, carving the runes in was tedious, but actually rather easy. Gathering the magic and channeling it took about a week, though." The pegasus nudged the box forward. "The... permit is in there."

Cautiously, Twilight opened the lid, noticing the preservation runes carved on its inner surface. She levitated out a scroll, noting how aged it looked, and unrolled it slowly.

"...Fluttershy, this is a proclamation from princess Luna dated a thousand and two hundred years ago."

"It's still binding, right?"

The unicorn giggled nervously. "Well, um, it would be if, well, you were around more then a millennium ago."

Fluttershy gave her a flat look.

"...no. No no no, you can't be serious."

"You're a thousand years old?!" Rainbow cried, backing up and accidentally dropping her sheet.

"Well... more then a thousand..." the other pegasus admitted sheepishly.

"But, but, but... Flight camp! Filly! You... how?!"

Fluttershy blushed. "Well, um... it's a bit... er... personal."

"I AM A ZOMBIE AND YOU ARE A THOUSAND YEARS OLD WE ARE WAY BEYOND PERSONAL!"

"DASH!" Twilight glared at her undead friend. "Calm down! This is shocking, but Fluttershy is still our friend!"

"Thank you, Twilight--"

The unicorn whirled on Fluttershy quickly. "But that doesn't mean you're out of it yet. I want you to explain, exactly, how this all happened."

The pegasus nodded.

"Right." Twilight sat down, rolling up the scroll and putting it back in the box. "Let's begin. Why did you approach the princess with a request for the right to practice dark magic?

"At the time I was... infertile." Fluttershy shivered. "No, actually... My husband and I had been trying for a foal, but... we only ever got stillborns."

Twilight blinked, blushing a bit. "Ah... um. Wow. I... you were..." She tapped her hooves together.

"Yes. I was."

"I thought you were a virgin," Rainbow said, staring at her.

"Oh, well I am. Well, I mean, I'm not but--" The yellow pegasus shook her head. "Well, after I got the license for black magic, I found out what was wrong. My body could make new... ponies, but not new souls."

Twilight blinked. "I... huh?"

"It's only detectable with dark magic, but... when a mother is pregnant, part of her soul splits off to grow into a new one. Completely natural, perfectly normal. I couldn't do that, though..." Fluttershy sighed. "Not without help. So, I... crafted a spell. And, um... it worked. Kind of."

Rainbow Dash cocked her head. "Kind of...?"

"It... was meant to suction a small part of my soul into the child body." Fluttershy raised her eyes up. "But it didn't stop. All through my pregnancy, I grew weaker as it grew stronger... until I gave birth. And then I died."

"Because your soul was in the foal," Twilight whispered.

"Yes."

There was silence in the cottage for a long moment.

Rainbow Dash coughed. "That... that must have been awkward for your husband..."

"Believe me, Dash, you have no idea."

"So that's it?" Twilight shook her head. "You just... every time you were about to die, you got knocked up and cast that spell again?"

"Um... yes." Fluttershy shuffled her hooves nervously. "And I kept studying dark magic and... all kinds of magic, really. I never could get, um, my soul to split though... I think it might be because I want to give all of myself. I can't just give part of me."

"Okay, that... makes a weird amount of sense."

The undead pony in the room stepped forward, wrapping her rotting forelegs around the other pegasus. "Hey. This is a bit... bit much for me to take in, but you're still my friend. And I won't ever stop being your friend. Okay?"

Fluttershy smiled. "Okay.... thank you."

"But... um..." Rainbow Dash gave her an awkward, rotting grin. "I was just wondering... can I not be a zombie anymore?"

NINJAS! Because NINJAS!

One hundred and fifty three roughly groomed ponies wandered the small warehouse, separated into fifty one different units in nineteen different squads. Each and every one of them was intimidating; the earth ponies sheer walls of rippling muscle, the pegasi sharp feathered and alert, the unicorns all wearing pinstripe suits that hid their cutie marks. At regular intervals a squad would meet up, investigating anything that one of their units had reported out of the ordinary; three squads always remained in the break room, switching out every hour and marking their check-in times.

All in all, it was a surprisingly coordinated security system for such a small warehouse. Anypony who decided to take something would have to be supremely confident, or quite possibly insane.

Which is why, when squad ten met up and found their gamma unit missing, there wasn't really too much concern.

"Bells probably fell into a crate again," grumbled a unicorn. "Beta, you go find the gammas and help them out. Us alphas are headed to the break room to get one of the spare squads to replace us."

"Sure thing, boss." The pegasus saluted, taking wing and leading his two earth pony companions down the hall of boxes. They kept alert, looking for signs of forced entry on any of the packages.

"Over there!" One of the earth ponies pointed. "The lid is off that one."

"Celestia damn it Bells..." The pegasus flew over. "Wait a minute... All the gammas are in here! Boys, I think something's up."

After a moment, he turned around. "Uh... boys?" His companions were on the ground, unconscious. "Okay, what the hay is wrong with--"

Something pinched his flank. He slapped a wing at it, pulling out a dart. "Oh. That's... what's wrong with youuaasashhh..." Just before he passed out, he felt a pair of hooves catch him.

***

Alpha ten returned to the patrol with a grumbling Squad twelve. "Sorry about this lads. Tell you what, drinks on me when we get off, eh?"

"You can't help that you got saddled with idiots," one of the earth ponies replied. "Have THEM pay for the drinks."

"Alright, fair trade." The unicorn turned. "Oh look, there's the betas now..."

His eyes narrowed. These ponies were too small to be the betas, they had a unicorn instead of a pegasus, and the alluring skin-tight catsuts they wore were certainly not what he recalled the actual unit wearing.

"HEY YOU! Who are ya?!"

They gave no reply, instead each lobbing a small sphere at the group. The unicorn tried to hit the strangers with some well-placed spells, but they had slipped away too quickly; the spheres hit the ground around them, releasing a massive cloud of fog.

"OY! Pegasi, get rid of this stuff ASAP!"

There was a rapid beating of wings. But by the time the cloud had dissipated, half of squad twelve had vanished. The unicorn looked around in astonishment.

"...right lads. Keep on your hooves. I think we're dealing with somepony dangerous here." They cautiously made their way to the break room... never once looking up to see their companions dangling helplessly from the rafters.

***

"So yer saying three pones managed ta take out four units?"

The unicorn shook his head. "I don't know what they did with them. All I know is I don't see heads or tails of them anymore."

"Celestia take it all," grumbled the hulking earth pony. "Right, no breaks now! Squad thirteen, take the patrol. Squads ten and twelve, well what's left of 'em anyway, will join us in hunting down these pones. Keep. In. Sight."

The ponies nodded, heading for the door. They opened it. Three ponies in spandex stood outside and had jumped in before they could react.

The unicorn lunged at his horned counterpart, who simply sidestepped and locked the doors telekinetically. After that it turned into a full out brawl, twenty four against three... except that the three kept dodging, and the twenty four kept accidentally hitting each other, and for some reason there were no battle cries from the intruders. In fact, it seemed more as though they were dancing, slipping through the small windows of oppurtunity and tripping up their opponents.

"BACK OFF!" the unicorn cried suddenly, pulling against a wall. The other thugs took a moment to respond but they complied, leaving the intruders at the center of a pile of fifteen unconscious bodies. He slowly inched along the wall, intent on reaching one of the doors while he kept an eye on the shapely black forms; no way they would trick him before he could call... for... help...

Belatedly he realized he could only see two of them. One of the earth ponies was missing.

Just as he was about to point this out, the door behind him opened and a cloth was held to his muzzle. Vaguely he could see the other two leaping into action, the blue of magic flying similar clothes ad his allies while the other earth pony kept her friend safe. Then he passed out.

***

With four squads down, the rest of the warehouse was an easy maze to navigate. Sometimes they used the darts, sometimes they used ribbons to pull the ponies away from their unit. Here and there a smoke bomb, convenient for squad meetups. But time was of the essence, and they didn't need to take out all of the guards; just enough to get to the one unmarked crate they were looking for.

"This is it, darlings," the horned one whispered, gently prying the crate open. "The shipment of gems. The Blood Diamond is hidden in here somewhere..."

"My sister and I shall keep watch."

"Thank you, Lotus..." The blue magic poured into the horn, whispering gently through the crate. A moment later, though, the unicorn halted it. "I... I don't understand. It should have been here!"

"Are you, perhaps, looking for this?"

The three of them whirled on the spot, their eyes falling on the new speaker. A tall, thin unicorn, dressed up in black, held a large red diamond in her magic and sported a cry grin.

"Fluer de Lis," Lotus gasped quietly.

"Why am I not surprised," muttered her unicorn companion. "Fluer, dear, could you possibly part with that lovely gem?"

"Oui, madam Rarity, have you not heard? Finders keepers, and all that." The canterlotian put the jewel away. "Aside from which, why are you even here?"

"...It's a long story."

Macintosh: BASTION OF NORMALITY!

"KICK THEM LEGS, BOY!" Granny Smith crowed as she beat on a barrel with an old plunger. "Ah don't care how old ya are, ya still got enough pump ta get them up!"

Macintosh refrained from sighing as he continued the cancaning in his hula skirt, subtly twitching his forelegs so his coconut bra didn't slip. "Eeeeyup."

"We've got ta get this done afor sundown!" The elderly mare looked out the window, narrowing her eyes. "Once the star spiders start swarming, any unprotected barrel's going ta be nothing more then blue fire! Ya know how bad blue fire is?!"

"Really bad?"

"THA GATES O' TARTARUS ARE MADE O' BLUE FIRE!" Granny Smith stopped her pounding momentarily, reaching up and adjusting the fruit basket on her grandson's head. "SO KEEP UP YER DANCING LEST YA WANT O' PLAGUE O' DEMONS ON THIS HERE FARM!"

The red stallion sighed. "Alright, Granny...:"

Apple Bloom trotted in, giving them a brief glance and a shrug. "Has anypony seen mah bow? There's a crusadah meeting later today, and Ah can't zactly go out like this." She gestured at her leonine body with a black talon.

"Ifn' Ah remember right, Ah saw it in the kitchen deary." Granny Smith paused. "Orrrrr... was it the den? Ah can't remember. It was in a vase, though...."

"It's on tha endtable," Mac supplied. "We really oughta get spares fer ya..."

"I's not lahk this is permanent!" Apple Bloom protested, ruffling her wings and glowering. "Just until Zecora gets back from Neighpon!"

"Well now, we don't know how long she'll be held up in customs do we?" Granny Smith raised an eyebrow. "But at least ya know not ta fiddle with potions less ya know what yer doing!"

"Ah told ya, it was an accident!" Apple Bloom rubbed her beak. "Ugh... Ah'm just going ta get mah bow now..." With a final grumble she exited the room.

"Heh, fillies these days..." The elderly green mare shook her head. "Back in mah day the worst trouble we got into was fighten' monsters from the Everfree!" She tapped her chin. "Come ta think o' it, that might be worse then being turned into a griffon..."

"Are we done here?"

"Hmm?" Granny blinked at him. "Oh! Yes. That was the last barrel. Go on and do... whatever it was you were wanting ta do." She grinned. "So long as it ain't a who! Hee hee. Seriously though, no wrasslin' before wedding, ya get me?"

"Eeeyup." Macintosh rolled his eyes as he took off the coconut bra and hula skirt, tossing them in a corner. "Ah'll keep it in mind, Granny." A hoof swept out to grab his horsecollar, and with one quick attachment he was ready to head out to the town.

The walk from the farm to Ponyville was always something of a relaxing exercise to him; his hooves clip clopping against the ground in unison to the constant background of chittering squirrels and singing birds. He let his eyes wander about the landscape as he continued down the well-known path, noticing small changes--a flower gone here, a nut fallen there. Truthfully, the space between the farm and the town was one of the most peaceful places he had ever encountered.

Which wasn't to say it was always completely peaceful. For instance, the grey pegasus crashing into the ground in front of him was not an event he, or anypony he knew of, would label as a peaceful event. Normal? Perhaps. But even as he stepped forward to help her up, suppressing an internal sigh, he had to acknowledge that his peaceful walk was now something of the past.

"Anythang broken?"

The pegasus shook the dirt off of her wings. "Nope! Just bruises. And my pride. Darn this cursed eye."

"Now, miss Hooves, we've been over this--"

"No, I mean it's literally cursed." She turned to him, pointing at her right eye. "See the swirling runes?"

Macintosh nodded slowly.

"My optometrist though he'd found a cure, but... well, he's not the most experienced when it comes to magic." She shrugged helplessly. "So now I can see phase beings, only I can't tell them apart from material beings... it's hard to keep flying straight now."

"Ah." Macintosh glanced around for a few seconds. "...Derpy, might Ah escort ya to Sugarcube corner?"

"...ugh, sure. I thought I was going to be fine, but... just, let's drop by the post office and file the paperwork for my medical leave first." Derpy shook her head, leaning on his massive red frame. "Today was just awful... but I'm awfully lucky to have a guy like you. What did I ever do to deserve you anyway?"

"Good heart, deep thoughts, nice rump..."

That earned him a light swat from a blonde tail and a sly smirk on the grey face. "You know I don't go for the naughty talk in public. I have to set an example for Dinky."

"Ah'm mighty sorry, miss Hooves. Ah'll try to reign it in." Macintosh smirked back. "No promises though."

And as the two of them trotted down the road, side by side, the farmpony couldn't help but think that maybe he should possibly have a little less peace in his life. Well, only a little. Apple Bloom would probably love Dinky.... although, maybe he'd wait until after spider season.

Fluttershy used Awkward Situation! Spike is unaffected....

"So, the plan is Fluttershy uses her magic to alter the egg cells in her ovaries so that their genetic structure precisely matches up with Rainbow Dash, then she impregnates herself using the sperm I got from the sperm bank, then she casts the soul transfer spell on Rainbow... and then..." Twilight held back a gag. "She, uh... uses an aging spell to immediately... ugh... immediately give birth."

Fluttershy nodded. "If you don't want to be present for that, you can go outside. I'm quite a capable self-midwife."

"Nonono, it's fine. I should... probably stick around. Just, you know, to make sure everything goes down as planned." Twilight flinched. "I'll go, uh, get some towels." Carefully placing the jar down on a nearby desk, Twilight scuttled out of the room.

"This whole situation is weird," Rainbow grumbled as she batted at her own dangling eye. "You know, you being a dark wizard or whatever is cool and all, but... Look, is this going to affect me in any way? I mean, I'm going to be pushed... out of you... and actually be aware of what's going on, if I get this correctly--"

"Oh, well, it'll be a bit strange yes." Fluttershy shrugged. "But I personally found it rather meditative. Going into a dark place, only to emerge into the light anew..." She blushed a bit. "Um, although... the part after the birth can be a bit, uh, problematic."

"What?"

"See... you will, effectively, be an infant. Part of the infant's lack of control of their own body comes from the fact their body is still, uh, developing." Fluttershy coughed. "You... you're going to need to wear diapers."

Rainbow groaned. "Will I be drinking from a bottle as well?"

Fluttershy hesitated. for a second.

"...Rainbow?" She looked up. "Can I ask something very, uh, personal from you?"

"I... suppose?"

"Well... you know this all started out with me trying to have children." Fluttershy kicked at the ground. "Over the centuries I've adopted on occasion, but... well, those were foals that were already elementary age. I've... um. I've never actually had a, well, an infant to raise.... I've never had the chance to have... to nurse one, to rock one to sleep, and... I'm sorry, I shouldn't be asking this. The situation is weird enough as is."

Rainbow Dash tilted her head, staring at her friend as she processed what she had heard.

"...Look. Fluttershy. From what I understand, you're going to need to take care of me anyway, right? I mean, if you could cast that age spell willy nilly I'd be popped out and full grown before the day was done." She paused. "How long will it take you to cast it again?"

"I'll need about a week to regenerate the magic, and each cast only pushes you up a year...."

"Right, so... if you're going to be taking care of me for the next five months or so, then... I guess I could be okay with you, uh, 'raising' me." Rainbow snapped her leg up, ignoring the way her hoof flew behind her. "Of course, if I'll tell you I'm getting uncomfortable with something you should stop, and we're not going to tell anyone else about this ever, agreed?"

"Yes, of course!" Fluttershy perked up. "You... you really wouldn't mind, uh... you know..."

"I..." Rainbow shrugged. "I dunno. I know my mom teat-fed me, so I guess I've done it before?"

"...Well... um. I guess... thank you for... um. Letting me, ah..." Fluttershy gestured vaguely.

"Alright I'm back." Twilight strode in with a stack of towels. "Let's get this thing done so I can send a letter to Celestia asking her to send me the best therapist she can find and/or just wiping this whole day from my memory."

Twenty minutes later, Spike walked in. "Hey girls, don't mind me, just grabbing some comics."

"Spike!" Twilight looked up from the wastebasket she had been vomiting in. "I swear this isn't what it looks like!"

"So Fluttershy did not just give birth to Rainbow Dash whose adult corpse is lying right there?"

"No--I mean yes, but--this is--You're grabbing COMICS?!"

Spike shrugged. "Yeah, figured I'd try something age appropriate. Lady of the Rings is a fun read and all, but none of the colts around town get what I'm talking about."

"How is this not weirding you out?!"

Spike rose an eyecrest. "Twilight.... I grew up in Canterlot Palace. While you were learning all kinds of magic. As a dragon. This doesn't even hit 'huh that's interesting' for me."

"Dona ell anhyon," Dash demanded, pointing a hoof at Spike.

"Awww..." Fluttershy murmured. "I was hoping your first word would be 'mama' or something..."

"Shis dona coun, Shy."

"Alright, I get it. You're secret's safe with me." Spike glanced at the rotted corpse on the ground. "Want me to go bury the body?"

"Actually, no." Fluttershy glanced up from gently rocking Rainbow Dash. "I was hoping to process it and feed it to some of my animal friends."

Twilight turned green. "WHAT?!"

"Well, um, that's what I do whenever I generate a new body for myself... having a funeral would just bring up too many questions..."

"Don Ih geha shay ih shis?"

"Oh!" Fluttershy paused. "Right. What do you think, Dash?"

"Ih alwahsh wannah... wanhad sho haf a fooneral pya."

"Righto, I can do that." Spike put down his comics. "Celestia taught me how, we used to do it all the time."

Twilight's eye twitched. "She... I... memory wipe. That's it. Memory wipe. That's what's happening."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Right, I'll go get the checklist..."

You want a trollfic? I'll give you a trollfic!

"...so, realizing that the timeline was doomed, we endeavored to find a way out of our temporal manifold. One of our most intelligent members found a method to redirect already existing temporal portals outward.... although only I survived the resulting journey. That is how I arrived in your world, my lady." The stranger risked a glance over his cracked shades, but chose not to rise from his kneeling position. "I admit that I consider myself fortunate to be in the presence of such a noble creature as yourself... if you will pardon my impertinence."

A small smile danced on on the blue alicorn's lips for the briefest of seconds, before she regained her stoic glower. "Your compliment is appreciated, stranger." She flicked a wing to the upturned earth in the fire swamp. "Your wanton destruction, however, is not."

The stranger let his eyes fall back behind his dark glasses. "I am ashamed that I brought such ruin to your world, my lady. However, I feel I must remind you that I could not control the meteor as it fell."

She rose an eyebrow. "And the chimera?"

"An act of self defense," he replied. "I... may have allowed my rage to overtake my good sense."

"MAY HAVE?" the tiger head snapped. "You knocked Agatha unconcious, and Irene is spacier than ever!"

"All I'm saying," the snake head slurred, "is why are we living in... a sweeamp? Where do other chimycherrychangas live? Over the rainbow, with the flying monkeys. I am... very sexy." She giggled brightly, wiggling around in a vague pattern. "Yoohoo, mister the dragon! Watch me dance!"

"Indeed..." The alicorn shook her head. "Nevertheless, as you have landed on Equestrian soil you are technically a guest of Equestria. Rise, good sir, and do please give me your name."

The stranger stood upright on his two legs, pulling his black hair back behind his candy-corn yellow horns with hands as grey as the rest of his ashen skin. "I am known as Equius Zahhak, my lady. Would it be too impudent to ask the name of my fair-looking host?"

The alicorn let her wings spread out to their full length, gathering a swirl of dark clouds in the sky behind her as thunder rolled. "You stand before the coregent of Equestria, princess of the night, warrior of the moon, the star's chosen defender, second daughter of Nox, Luna Tsukuyomi Coyolxauhqui!" Lightning backlit her as she finished her proclamation in a grandiose shout that forced the tiger head to pull back its ears.

Just as quickly as they had gathered, the clouds vanished away. "But you, my good sir, may call me Luna."

Equius rubbed a strand of hair between his fingers. "I... do not believe it would be proper of me to address such an obvious superior with such an intimate term. Although I would not object if you ordered me to do so," he quickly added.

"I suppose I could accept it if you referred to me as Princess Luna." The alicorn rolled her eyes. "So many of my subjects do anyway, no matter how much I try to befriend them."

"Hooray, we all know each other's names." The chimera's tiger head was clearly trying to stand its body up, but with only control of its forepaws it was having some difficulty. "Now can you get this guy the tartarus away from us?! I'd rather NOT be in the presence of a dangerous creature while my sisters are out of commission!"

"Awwww, Elinor, you really care!" cooed the viper head, snaking drunkenly next to her. "Kisses!"

"ARGH! IRENE GET YOUR TONGUE OFF MY CHEEK!"

"Why is your cheek orange? I thought it was black..."

Luna stared at the strange creature for a moment. Then she turned back to Equius. "I, ah, can't help but notice one of your horns is broken off. Are you in need of some medical attention?"

The grey stranger brought a finger to the stub. "It... is an old injury, one mostly self inflicted. I am not suffering because of it, if that is your concern."

"I see..." The alicorn shrugged her wings, glancing about. "Well, there is no reason for us to remain in this dreadful place any further. If you are ready and willing, I could take you to the capital city... although I must forewarn you there is an overabundance of plush dolls in the likeness of myself and other national heroes, for reasons that are fairly complex."

"....allow me a moment to tend to something."

Equius walked over to the trench dug up by his crashed meteor, kneeling down and putting a hand in the churned up dirt. "Here lies the souls of eight brave trolls. On this alien soil, in this alien universe, I will forge our race anew. Go now and battle with your ancestors; take your place in the great council of death." He smiled briefly, patting the dirt. "I know you will hunt your foes down with purrfect precision, Nepeta. I expect to be very proud when I join you. And as for the rest of you, if I hear you did not support her in battle, I will be quite.... furious."

He stood, brushing the dirt off his knees and turning to Luna. "After you, my lady."

"Actually, Canterlot is a fair distance away." Luna lowered her head. "However, if you get on my back, I can teleport us both there fairly easily."

Equius glanced away. "I... do not know if that would be entirely appropriate--"

"Oh stop being such a pussy and get on the horse's back!" snapped Elinor. "You were just beating us up a few minutes ago, why can't you get the gumption to do that?!"

"This is a matter of ettiquitte, something you clearly don't understand--"

"Equius," Luna sighed, "get on my back."

"...Very well, my lady. As you command."

In one swift motion he swung himself up, and in a flash of light they were gone. The chimera's goat head groaned. "What.... what happened..?"

"We got beaten up by a bug!" the viper chirped happily. "At least it smelled like a bug. Then things happened. Also, you're awake now! Yay!"

The problem is that brain bleach is a controlled substance.

Applejack smiled to herself as the sun rose into the sky, trotting into Ponyville proper with a spring in her step. Today was going to be a good day, barring any weirdness--she made a mental note to avoid sugarcube corner--and she was feeling freer than she ever had been before. Finally somepony else knew how she felt about her gender--i.e., that she felt she should be able to switch at will, since she sometimes felt like a he and actually never understood the whole point behind all the cultural context anyway.

...well, alright, she hadn't actually said that. Out loud. But she would. And Twilight had been kind of nonplussed, but that was understandable. And it wasn't like she would go blabbing about this to anyone, unless it was one of her friends. And she definitely wouldn't tell Rainbow Dash. Unless Rainbow got suspicious and forced it out of her.

The farmpony frowned. Well, okay, today wasn't going to be as good as she had though. But it would lead into a whole lot of better days! Eventually. She hoped.

With a deep breath to steady herself, she approached the library and knocked on the door. She wouldn't blame the poor unicorn if she slammed the door in her face, but--

Twilight opened the door and smiled broadly. "Applejack! Come in, it's great to see you!" She stepped aside, letting her friend trot in as she walked over to an open book. "I was just researching the history of waffles. It's really actually quite fascinating, did you know waffles were the primary ammunition of the third Draco-griffin war?"

"That's schoolhouse history, Twi, everypony knows that."

"To be fair, I wasn't ever in a schoolhouse." Twilight shrugged. "I was homeschooled and breezed through all the grade-level tests before I even got my cutie mark. In retrospect that might have had something to do with my belief that the only way to survive Canterlot was to be the best at whatever you tried to be so that you wouldn't be dragged through the muck." She gave a high pitched giggle. "Sorry, I wiped my mind yesterday, and I'm still a little unbalanced."

Applejack froze. "Ya... wiped your mind?"

"Yep! I also gave myself instructions not to visit Fluttershy's cottage or seek out Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash." Twilight shrugged with a smile. "This will be my... eighth mind wipe I think."

"Tenth," Spike corrected from the couch, not even looking up from his comic book.

"Right, yep!" She gave Spike a wide grin. "Thanks!" Then she turned back to Applejack, eyes widening as if just noticing her. "Oh! You're here! Right! Applejack, sorry, I'm still off. Why are you here?"

"Ah.... it...." The farmpony looked away. "It's nothin', Twi. Nothin' important." She cleared her throat. "Sooooo. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash?"

"It's not what you think," Spike said casually. "I'd say more, but that would get Twilight curious and she's not allowed to think about why she mind wiped herself."

"It's true!" Twilight chirped happily. "It's in the regulations and everything! I know because I studied them all and earned my self-oriented memory removal liscense when I was ten!" She giggled. "All but my first memory wipe have been self performed! I am an expert! WHEEEEE!"

"She'll calm down in an hour or two," Spike assured a gaping Applejack. "And before you go on about how wrong that is, you should know that her parents actually did lock the door before the situation which resulted in her first memory wipe occurred."

"He means I teleported in on them," Twilight whispered with unnatural glee. "While they were having sex. I think it was traumatic, but I can't remember anymore." She giggled. "You have freckles. I think there are six of them!"

"That's... right Twilight!" Applejack smiled nervously. "Granny always calls 'em birdspots though... speakin' o' which Ah should probably go check on Macintosh and his marefriend."

"Oh alright! I'll probably be embarrassed later and come by to say sorry you saw me like this." Twilight tilted her head. "Unless you're flying because Mac's marefriend is a pegasus because that's the only leap I can see from birdspots. Oh, did you know that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are pegasi--?" She suddenly gasped. "Oh my gosh. They're Macintosh's marefriend! Both of them at the same time! THAT'S WHY I WIPED MY MEMORY!"

"Off by a mile," Spike countered without a care, flipping to a new page in his comic book. He did quirk an eyecrest when he glanced up though. "Pinkie, why are you holding up a seven?"

"Because Twilight's gasping skills are decent, but not great."

"GAH!" Applejack jumped away from the pink mare next to her. "When did YOU get here?!"

"Twelve seconds ago," Pinkie said, trotting over to Twilight. "Hey there! You look not like yourself at all!"

"Nope! I'm still very loosegoosy in my noodle!" Twilight flipped her mane back and forth to demonstrate, and then some more because the flashes of blackish blue in the edge of her vision were just so cool. "Oh hey! You said you wouldn't help me during chapter five!"

"Yeah, but this is chapter ten. So it's totally okay." Pinkie giggled, flipping her mane along with Twilight. "Wow, this is fun!"

"It is!"

"It so is!"

"Why are you saying chapters? Are we in a story?"

"In an infinite multiverse everyone is in a story, because every story happens somewhere. Thereby, by exploiting the framework of believing that one is in a story, one can find sudden story twists which are remarkably benificial to oneself. It pays to vary the story from day to day, however, as one cannot always be the protagonist." Pinkie shrugged. "But no, I don't think we're in a story, I just say that to screw with the readers."

"Oh my gosh that's so deep! If I weren't so busy flipping my mane right now I'd probably think that you were secretly a genius or something!"

Applejack cleared her throat. "Well, since Ah.... can't really contribute anything to this mane flippin' stuff, so Ahm' gonna go."

"But AJ you have an awesome mane!"

"She's right! You have an awesome mane!"

"It's so awesome!"

"It is!"

"Spike, keep these two from hurtin' themselves, ya hear?"

"Got it."

Politics is boring. Surfing is awesome.

"Right," Celestia said firmly. "That's it. Day court is over."

"But, your highness, the traffic directors--"

"If the plushies are still causing problems, throw them down the mountain and let Ponyville handle them--" Celestia paused. "Actually no. You know what? I'm going to deal with the plushie situation myself!" She teleported out of the throne room, leaving behind a flabbergasted court of nobles.

"Um..." Raven coughed. "I... guess day court is over. Everypony out, you know the rules." She blinked. "Oh! And it's pie day."

"I like pie day," one of the nobles reluctantly mumbled as they all stood up and walked out the door.

Celestia reappeared on the roof of the tallest tower of the castle, summoning a telescope to her eyes. "Right. Hmm." She peered at the congested streets of Canterlot, mentally calculating the amount of magic she'd need to pull off the stunt she had in mind. Namely, the stunt of surfing down a huge mountain on a wave of plushies.

"...Oh Lulu!" she sang out.

The blue alicorn stuck her head out a window. "Can it wait? Me and Equuis are wrestling."

"Just wanted you to know I'm going to do something stupid, awesome, and tiring, so I might need you to raise the sun for a day or two."

"Ugh. You know that give me gas... fine." Luna stuck her head back in the window. "Zaahak I swear if you tore the lamp off the wall again I will--!"

Celestia rolled her eyes, putting down the telescope and summoning her personal surfboard. It was almost as old as her, patched constantly and upgraded with an absolutely ludicrous number of structural integrity charms. She gave it a once over, refreshing a small bit of magic here and there, before turning to the city below her.

Ponies everywhere stopped in shock as the plushies that had plagued them rose into the air en masse, surrounded by a massive golden glow. Celestia beamed for a moment, then cleared her throat. It had been a while since she used the Royal Canterlot Voice, and she hoped her casting had improved.

"CITIZENS OF CANTERLOT! YOUR PRINCESS IS HANDLING THIS SITUATION PERSONALLY! IF YOU HAVE A PLUSHIE YOU WANT TO KEEP, YOU'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES TO GET IT INDOORS!"

She paused.

"ALSO, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO BE SURFING THEM DOWN THE MOUNTAIN IN AN UNDIGNIFIED WAY. I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I'M COMFORTABLE WITH WHO I AM AND DON'T FEEL A NEED TO CONFORM TO SOCIETY'S EXPECTATIONS OF ME, SINCE I AM CONFIDENT IN MY OWN GRACE AND ELEGANCE."

She tilted her head.

"AND JUST TO BE SAFE, IF YOU ARE NOT A FLIGHT CAPABLE PONY YOU CANNOT JOIN ME IN THE PLUSHIE SURFING. I'M JUST PUTTING THAT ON THE RECORD THERE, SO NOPONY INJURES THEMSELF TRYING TO MIMIC ME. THANK YOU!"

Right, Celestia thought, that should be enough warning. She hummed a little tune to herself as she kept her eyes on the clocktower, waiting for her set time limit to run out. It had been MONTHS since she'd pulled off something this awesome. Maybe even YEARS. Oh she was going to have so much fun.

Once that clocktower let her know five minutes was up.

Which should be soon.

Very soon.

Any minute now.

Juuuuuuuust a few more seconds.

Okay, screw it that was close enough.

With a mighty cry of "KUPAIANAHA!" Celestia teleported herself and all the plushies still held in her magical grip to the top of the Canterlot horn. Every stitched pony began sliding down the snow, starting a multicolored avalanched down the steep rockface, and Celestia only just managed to get her surfboard down on it before she was whooping along with the pull of gravity. Riding a wave of Rarity dolls, she hollered in glee, her wing extending as she swung back to the pink portion of the inexpertly falling wave.

"THIS IS AWESOME! THIS ROCKS SO HARD! YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Hiya Princess!" A grey mare hovered nearby on her own surfboard, runes swirling in her eye. "Mind if I derp it up a little?"

"Join right in, miss Hooves!" Celestia gestured grandly, but pointed ahead. "Cliffside!"

"Whoop!" Derpy rolled around the jutting projection, slipping in next to Celestia. "Wow, what a rush! What took you so long to handle the plushie situation?!"

"I was being lazy! I dunno! On your left!" Celestia slid around the mailmare. "How'd Ponyville handle it?!"

"I think Pinkie did something. There's a house of plushies now, and it's rent-out!" She giggled. "Went in there once. A good third of the dolls were changelings in disguise!"

"That's... actually pretty clever! They aren't hurting anypony are they?"

"Not at all, they--" Derpy jumped off another cliff, arcing her back and flipping her board before landing back on the wave of dolls. "--they actually seem to be maintaining the dolls when nopony's looking!"

"Nice move there! And that sounds great!" Celestia pointed forward. "Look out though, we're coming to the end!"

Derpy smirked. "Loud screaming?!"

Celestia smirked back. "Loud screaming!"

As one they snapped their gazes forward, held their hooves up in the air, and screamed as the wave of dolls hit the grassy plains below. Their boards coasted along the stiched ponies and out onto the plains themselves, jumping into the air as they hit the dirt. Alicorn and pegasus were flung through the sky, twirling and laughing as inertia lead them to hit dirt again and again and again until at last they rolled to a stop.

"Filly," Derpy giggled, "that was a wipeout."

"Oh yeah. Total wipeout."

"Complete wipeout."

"Royal, even!"

The two of them laid on their backs, staring up into the sky.

After a moment, though, Celestia facehooved. "Damnit. I don't have the energy to teleport to Canterlot, and I don't have the money to buy a train ticket on me." She gave Derpy a pleading look. "Can I bunk with you for the night?"

"...fine, but you gotta look into laws regarding school discipline." Derpy frowned, standing up. "There are these two fillies that keep bugging my daughter."

"I'll do that."

The Fourth Awakens. No, I'm serious.

Apple Bloom adjusted her bow cautiously, giving Scootaloo and Apple Bloom a short glance. "Right. Are we all ready for tha ritual?"

"I've set up the brazier," Scootaloo reported eagerly, "and I think Sweetie just got finished sketching out the runic circle! Are you sure this will work though?"

"Ah read the spellbook very carefully," Apple Bloom replied firmly, handing out long tubes to the other fillies. "If'n there was anything Ah missed, we're only going to find out after we start this."

"I brought robes for everyone!" Sweetie Belle rushed to a corner, pulling out three thick brown clothy objects. "You know, since it is a big magic ritual and all. I thought it might be appropriate."

"Aw, thanks!" Apple Bloom took the offered garment and slid into it quickly, grinning as she paced around. "Comfy fit."

"Yeah, alright." Scootaloo took another robe, slipping it over her frame and shaking her mane. "Could use wing holes."

"Right, sorry. I'll remember that next time." Sweetie Belle pulled her own robe on, glancing out the window. "You know, I think Applejack would be angry if she found out we were conducting dangerous magical rituals in our clubhouse..."

"Relax. Ah told ya before, this is just a simple long-range contact spell." Apple Bloom snapped her glowstick and started shaking it, rolling her eyes as the green light brushed against her face. "Besides, we've progressed a lot since this spell was first made. Used ta be we'd have to talk in weird patterns, ' to this one, we wish to speak,' just fer tha spell to work."

"Still, though," Sweetie Belle pointed out, "we're literally going to cut our hooves, bleed into a pool of oil, and then set it on fire. Why are we setting our blood on fire?"

"Because of the midichlorians!" Scootaloo replied, snapping her own glowstick so her face was framed in purple light.

"Mitochondria," Apple Bloom corrected.

"Right, those things. You know, the little germs in your blood that connect you to Equestria's magic."

"First of all, they're not germs," Apple Bloom stated with a firm glower. "Secondly, we're not going to need that much blood. Just a little nick, is all."

Sweetie Belle sighed, snapping her glowstick and moving into position. "Fiiiiiine. But if this goes wrong, don't say I didn't warn you." She gave them each a look, her face framed in blue light.

The two other fillies rolled their eyes, moving into their positions around the brazier. They each rose their glowstick over the bowl, Sweetie Belle levitating a small knife around and wincing each time it cut into one of their hooves.

"By tha force of our magic, by the power of our blood," intoned Apple Bloom, "we wish to speak to Babs Seed!" She lit a match, threw it into the brazier, and led the other two fillies in waving their glowsticks slowly over the resulting fire.

The misty smoke took on the form of a sleeping filly, sprawled out on open air and snoring up a storm. Scootaloo frowned. "Didn't you say you mailed Babs to let her know we were doing this?"

"Yeah, she said she would--" Apple Bloom facehooved. "The time zone. It's probably past her bedtime. OY! BABS!"

"Huh--? Wha--?" The smoky form jolted. "Oh! Oh, hey guys, I thought yoose was gonna do this earlier--"

"What are you wearing?" Sweetie Belle asked. "It looks like leather!"

"Oh, this?" Babs looked down at her form-fitting catsuit and shrugged awkwardly. "See, when I read blood magic, I thought I'd look the part. Dark cultist, yah know?"

Scootaloo narrowed her eyes. "Is that why your mane looks like a pair of cinnamon buns?"

"No, that--see, there's this... it's complicated. Oh!" Babs reached a smoky hoof downward, and for a moment Apple Bloom thought she was fishing through the flames before she remembered that the brazier didn't exist on her cousin's side. "I remembered my glowstick!" She pulled up a thin red rod, waving it with a grin.

"Huh." Scootaloo tilted her head. "You know, from over here, it kinda looks like some sort of... pirate sabre. Made of light."

Apple Bloom glanced at the rod in her hooves. "Huh. Yeah... Ah guess we all have some sort of, uh, glowsword, don't we?"

"Really?" Babs looked at her own red pole. "I's gonna have ta add a crossguard or somethin' then." She shrugged. "Enough of that, though. How has the crusadin' been goin'?"

"Not too good," Sweetie Belle reported with a sigh. "None of us have our cutie marks yet, of course, but on top of that Rarity's still out of town, Apple Bloom's been a bit weird--"

"I have not--!"

"--and for some reason Scootaloo is busy helping the orphanage."

Scootaloo shrugged. "I remember what it was like. If I can make a difference, I will." She narrowed her eyes. "No matter the cost."

"Wait... yoose an orphan?"

"Was. Not anymore." Scootaloo took a breath. "But let's not talk about that. How have things been going in Manehatten?"

"Ah, well, see there was this..." Babs gestured vaguely, then shrugged. "There's this corporate empire trying to clamp down on my neighborhood, and I kinda got roped into leading a bunch of other fillies in some sort of rebellion, it's... yeah. It's complicated. We've pretty much figured out their plans, though, we just need to get them to somebody who..."

She paused.

"Say.... Apple Bloom, didn't yoose tell me that Applejack had some kinda fast-track to the princesses?"

"Yeah. Well, technically it's Twilight--" Apple Bloom grinned suddenly. "You want me to pass a message along?"

"Wells yeah, ya gotta help me. Way I see it, you're my only hope."

Scootaloo smirked devilishly. "YES. We will ENSURE! That these noble battles of yours resound through the cosmos!"

Everypony stared at her as she laughed maniacally for a moment or two.

"....Riiiiiiiiiiiiight." Apple Bloom shrugged, turning back to the smoky image. "Anyway, what should Ah say to the princesses?"

"Okay, here's what's goin' down: Rusty Rail's Demolition Depot is lookin' to buy out all the property in tha bronx--that's slang for Bronco's district--and once they do that...."

Author's Note

May the Fourth be with you. Always.

This chapter is to catch the characters up with the plot, which totally exists.

"TWILIGHT!"

Twilight only had the briefest moment to blink in surprise before Rarity dived through the library door and pinned her to the ground. "Uh... what is it Rarity?"

"I need you to help me get the Blood Diamond from a business monger in Manehattan!"

"...ahahahahaha... what?"

"It's a bit of a long story, but me and the spa twins need the blood diamond to stop a griffon warlord from invading Earth. You know, the world where all the plushies came from?"

The violet unicorn pushed Rarity off of her. "Why would a griffon warlord want to invade earth?" she asked as she stood up. "And actually, how do you even know about that? And what does the Blood Diamond have to do with anything? Actually, what is it even anyway? With a name like that, it's almost guaranteed to be a dark artifact--"

"Ah, well, the long and short of it is that the warlord in question believes some ancient griffon artifact fell though a portal and ended up on Earth. He thinks if he conquers that world he'll... basically become ruler of this one. Somehow." Rarity shrugged. "I'm pretty sure he's insane, but if he does get to Earth he could cause quite a bit of trouble. Which is why I need to blood diamond to stop him."

"YOU ONLY ANSWERED ONE QUESTION!"

"I've been sworn to silence on the other three."

"GAAAAAH! Fine. Fine. Let's say all that is true. Why haven't you brought this to Celestia's attention? Or Luna?! Or Cadance, for crying out loud?!?!"

Rarity fidgeted for a moment. "Let's... just say it's better if the royalty doesn't know I know this."

"What? Why?"

"Twilight, please. Have you told Celestia every little secret you know?"

"Yes, actually."

The ivory unicorn blinked. "Ah... what about your mother?"

"What?! No!" Twilight blushed brightly. "If my mom knew everything I'd seen, I'd be ruined!"

"Exactly, and I view Celestia as, essentially, a mother to all of Equestria."

"That doesn't make sense. She just went surfing down a tidal wave of plushies." Twilight shrugged. "She does things like that. I always kinda saw her as a cool older sister."

Rarity tittered. "Yes, well, eccentricities aside, I would be quite embarrassed if Celestia were to figure out my own secrets. I hope you understand?"

"No. I don't. Even if you can't tell Celestia for some reason, there are two other princesses!"

"Cadance is living in the Crystal Empire and is therefore too far away to do anything, and Luna is busy... 'wrestling' with an alien."

"Wrestling?"

"In the carnal sense, dear."

"...What do you mean? What's carnal wrestling?"

Rarity sighed. "I forget how sheltered you were, sometimes.... sex, darling."

"Oh, I--Luna's having sex with an alien?!"

"Well, that's what the rumor mill is spouting, and even if it weren't true she'd be busy trying to handle the situation. Either way, Luna is off the table. Or perhaps on it." The fashionista tapped her chin. "I suppose as the night princess first contact would be her prerogative--"

"I am not hearing this. I'm just going to skip ahead. The royal guard, why can't you tell--"

"Tried it, they didn't believe me."

"...The local police force?"

"It's 'not their jurisdiction'."

"...Rainbow Dash?" Twilight held up a hoof. "No wait, I'm not supposed to approach or think of Rainbow Dash for five months. Or until Fluttershy says I can."

It was Rarity's turn to blink in shock. "Did... did she issue you a restraining order?"

"No, two days ago I wiped my memories of the day before, and I left myself instructions not to do that." Twilight groaned. "And on top of that, I apparently had a really important conversation with Applejack on the same day, but she won't tell me what it was! And now you come in from your vacation and say you need my help grabbing a dark artifact to stop a griffon warlord from conquering Earth. Is there anything else I'm missing?"

"Well, the changelings in the Plushie house are behind on their rent," Pinkie mused, "but I'm handling that."

"WahaHAHA!" Rarity jumped three feat into the air and landed five feet from her previous position. "Pinkie, where in the world did you come from?!"

"Well, when a stallion and a mare are really feeling up each other's bodies--"

"Wait wait wait." Twilight held up a hoof. "There are CHANGELINGS in the PLUSHIE HOUSE?!"

"They're actually not bad tenants," Pinkie explained smoothly. "They actually maintain the plushies and sometimes they'll even disguise themselves as one to give the little fillies a ride--"

"NO! Nononono, this is not good. Changelings in Ponyville! I, I need to tell Celestia--"

"She already knows," Derpy announced as she entered the room. "She's cool with it. Oh, mail for you, Twilight." Reaching into her saddlebags, she pulled out a few letters and placed them on the table. "I see you're in the middle of another one of your panic attacks, so.... I'll just be showing myself out." She turned around, only to come face to face with a frowning orange mare. "Oh, heya Applejack! Where's your brother?"

"Out on tha farm. Don't bother him, he's got plenty of work to do."

Derpy grinned. "Relax, AJ. I'm not going to distract him from his chores. After, maybe, but not during." She sidled past the mare with a shake of her tail. "Take care of Twilight, though, she seems to be close to snapping!"

Meanwhile, in the dastardly den of darkness and doom...

"...Lyra."

"...Bonbon."

"...Been a while."

"...Yes. Yes it has."

"...So. First of all... I... I'd like to say I'm, uh... sorry."

Lyra almost snapped. Almost. She took a breath, and let it out slowly. "I... ugh. Bonbon, I want to forgive you. I really do. I'm just... still angry that you'd pull a stunt like that."

"I was... I was just trying to get closer to you, to, um, understand your hobbies."

"You sure went about it the wrong way," the unicorn grumbled. "I mean we were arrested for Celestia's sake!"

"I swear, I didn't have anything to do with the fire!"

"And the aquarium?"

Bonbon winced. "I... panicked. And it's not like any of the fish died, right?"

Lyra glowered at her.

"...I really am sorry," Bonbon mumbled. "I know what I did was wrong..."

"...you know, it wasn't really what you did," Lyra replied. "It's the way I responded, that's what got between us. I shouldn't have--argh." She punched a wall. "This is so frustrating! Why am I so angry?! Why am I doing this, this isn't... this isn't what I want! I want us to..."

She sighed.

"...so. I just... why are we here?"

"Oh! Oh, that's right, um... you see, the boss has new orders for us."

Lyra blinked. "The boss?"

"You know. The boss. The big boss. The one that runs the thing that we're a part of?"

"...Not... ringing a bell."

Bonbon rolled her eyes. "Baker's Dozen?"

"...OH! Oh, the Baker's Dozen--wait, that's still a thing?" Lyra chuckled. "I haven't thought about them in years! But yeah, sure. What's the Baker's Dozen got for us?"

Bonbon rubbed the back of her head. "Um. You see... we're supposed to, uh... we've got a target." She coughed. "We need to... how do I put this... well... You know Octavia?"

Lyra frowned. "Whoa. No no no. Not her. She's one of us! She's part of the--look, that's not a good move!"

"It's not like we have to kill her or anything," Bonbon pointed out. "We just have to drench the audience of her next orchestra in twenty three gallons of slime and assorted pastries."

The unicorn tilted her head. "Only twenty three?"

"Budget issues."

"Ah. Still, though, this is ridiculous. Baker's Dozen has had us do some crazy things, but sabotaging Octavia like that--She's an artist! We run on public opinion!"

"I'm not fond of the idea either. But you know what Baker's Dozen will do to us if we fail in our mission!"

Lyra's eyes grew distant, her mind wandering through long buried and horrific memories. "I... I know." She sighed. "Alright, alright. I'll do it, but... Bonbon, if we do this, we're going to need to have a serious talk with the boss after all this."

Bonbon nodded. "Good. Now.... how do we get out of here again?"

The two of them looked around the dark room they were standing in, taking in the snarling statues and the various bits of bone. There were no visible windows or doors, only odd tiles here and there that could, in theory, be hiding an entryway that a mouse could get through.

"...Come to think of it," Lyra replied, "how exactly did we get in here?"

"The usual way," Bonbon pointed out, already feeling up the walls. "We were knocked out and woke up here."

"Well, yeah, obviously, but haven't you ever wondered where 'here' is? I mean, Baker's Dozen can't have just made this room out of nothing." Lyra kicked at one of the bones. "It's, like... what if we're in the Crystal Empire or something?"

"Don't be ridiculous, the Crystal Empire didn't return until after Baker's Dozen hired us."

"Nonono, what I mean is, what if this room is outside time, like the empire was? Or outside space? Or both?!" Lyra gasped. "WHAT IF BAKER'S DOZEN ARE ACTUALLY TIME TRAVELERS TRYING TO RESTORE THEIR FUTURE?! THAT'S WHY NONE OF OUR MISSIONS MAKE SENSE! We can only see it from our perspective!"

Bonbon rolled her eyes. "Don't be ridiculous. Why would time travelers be interested in us? I mean, Twilight and her gang are the most interesting figures in the local history."

"That means too many ponies are watching them," Lyra countered. "Us, native Equestrians to the timeframe, we're not historically important, so we can do things without being noticed. It all makes sense!"

Bonbon turned to look at Lyra. "You've met the boss. You know exactly who she is. Do you really think she's the front for a time-travelling conspiracy?"

"It's always the ones you least suspect," Lyra said gravely.

For a moment the earth pony just stared at her. Then she let out a little chuckle. "...I missed you, Lyra. I really did."

Lyra smiled back. "And I missed you. Can we just go back to being friends now?"

"Yeah. Best friends. That'd be great."

"Yeah."

The two stared deep into each other's eyes.

Then Lyra shrugged. "Screw it, we're not going to find our way out anytime soon." She lunged forward, wrapped Bonbon in a tight embrace--

Suddenly the screen went dead. The watcher whirled around, just barely deflecting a sword swing.

"I'm sorry dear," the attacker hissed, "but we can't let this go on."

Silly nonsense on the train!

"I spy, with my huge set of eyes, something that begins with a V."

Twilight gave Pinkie a disbelieving look. "We're on the way to prevent a griffon warlord from seizing an artifact of questionable origin and power, and you're playing I Spy?"

"It's going to take a while for the train to get to Manehatten," Pinkie replied simply. "Do you really want me to get bored? Things happen when I'm bored. Terrible dreadful things that not even I can bear to remember." She gave the unicorn a bright and cheery smile. "So, V v V v V!"

"Um..." Twilight looked around. "...Okay, Pinkie, I give up."

"VULTURE!"

The unicorn followed Pinkie's pointing hoof with her eyes. "What are you talking abWHYISTHEREAVULTUREONTHEBACKOFMYSEAT?!"

"Skkkrch," the vulture replied.

Rarity turned to look at the bird, musing as she ran her eyes over it. "Well, for a vulture it's certainly very clean, I'll admit. It's probably a lost pet, belonging to some eccentric--"

"Murglepan!" A green pony swept through the train car, skidding to a stop in front of Twilight. "There you are. I was worried you'd, like, flown out of the train or something. You're going to harsh my aura something fierce one day, you know?" She adjusted the bandana on her head, holding out a hoof. "Come on, girl. Come on."

"...Murglepan?" Twilight couldn't help but ask.

"Mmmhmm. First day he hatched, I asked him what his name was." The mare moved aside some of her dreadlocks to nuzzle the large bird perching on her foreleg. "And he told me. We've been harmonized ever since." With a contented smile, she walked back through the door she had come through.

Rarity nodded to herself, pulling a magazine from her satchel. "Hmm, according to this there's a new wave on plaited skirts--"

"She had a vulture," Twilight mumbled. "She had a vulture. She had a vulture."

The other unicorn glanced at her. "...Pinkie, you're the nearest expert on mental breakdowns. Could you maybe get Twilight to get past the vulture?"

"Righteo. Treatment varies from pony to pony, but I think I've got this." Pinkie inhaled deeply, screwed up her eyes, leaned close to Twilight and--"ThereIsNoLogicalBasisForMagicInThisWorldSoIt'sAllFantasy!"

Instantly Twilight's expression morphed from shocked terror to affronted anger. "Pinkie, how could you say that?!"

"Passing air from my lungs through my throat where it's vibrated by my vocal cords and finally out the shaped passage created by my tongue and teeth and lips, that's how!"

"Well... well yes, but--"

"It's really basic pony anatomy, Twilight!" Pinkie ruffled Twilight's mane. "You're so silly sometimes."

The violet pony pushed her hoof off and glowered at her, using her magic to brush her mane back into its usual precisely groomed shape. "Pinkie, do you know how frustrating it is when you say things like that? You're obviously intelligent, but you're just so--so--random!"

Pinkie Pie tut-tutted in a mildly disapproving manner. "Twilight Sparkle, while you may like the high society of scholarly research and professors debating the semantics of a publication two decades old, some of us prefer to work in the field with volatile elements that can lead to fascinating new discoveries on a nearly daily basis."

"...Are..." Twilight stared at her. "Are you saying you deliberately choose to be random?!"

"Nope! But yes. Well, kinda." Pinkie waggled a hoof. "It's partially choice, but mostly a result of my brain being wired weird. After I got my cutie mark I kinda figured 'I'm crazy, why not cultivate it?' and yeah, that's pretty much my modus operandi."

"I--I... I can see how that could work, I guess," Twilight reluctantly admitted. "It's just a bit strange for me to contemplate."

"Is it as strange as what's going to come through that door in ten seconds?"

"Actually, I'm not sure strangeness is a quantity so much as a descriptive quality which--"

The door to the cart opened, and in danced a gray mare with a purple treble clef. Her eyes were totally shut as she shuffled through on her rear legs, forehooves leaping across her whole body in rhythm with the swing of her tail and the beat of her head. The white unicorn behind her bopped her own head along as she pushed the record-spinning device she was operating along, shifting a beat whenever the gray pony got too close to one of the chairs. Her horn lit up, and the gray pony twirled through the door on the other end of the aisle.

Of the four ponyvillians, only Twilight stared as the pair disappeared into the next cart.

"....WHAT IN THE HAY WAS THAT?!"

Rarity glanced up from her magazine, giving Twilight an appraising look. "You've never been on a train to Manehattan, have you darling?"

"W-Well no, but--That was, that was a top level cellist whipping around like some rave-theater fanatic!"

Applejack laughed, finally reminding everypony she was still there. "Heh, Ah remember mah first trip to Manehattan. There was this right impressive barbershop quartet, but midway through their song they broke out into heavy metal. And then the transvestites joined in--" She sighed fondly, leaning back into her seat. "Trust me, Twi, this ain't nothing."

"Really?! Because I had a vulture on my seat and there was an impromptu one-mare rave passing through, I don't see how this could possibly get any weirder!"

The cart door opened again and Twilight spun, her eyes shooting wide at who stepped in. "Finally! I thought I'd never find the right car--"

"DISCORD! How did you escape your statue?!"

Discord gave the four ponies glaring at him a confused look. "Escape my--? Oh! Oh, yes, I'm still trapped in stone in this time period aren't I?" He bowed to Twilight. "No need to fret, miss Sparkle, I haven't escaped yet. And I don't intend to--my wives would kill me if I interfered with causality."

"Wives?" Pinkie rose an eyebrow. "You're married?!"

"Five and a half wives, three and a half husbands, and the two who I just call spouses because the Equestrian language doesn't have the proper pronouns to accurately describe their gender." Discord stroked his beard. "At least, those are the ones still alive in the temporal frame I consider the present--"

"A half-wife and half-husband?" Rarity asked. "How, exactly does that work?"

"Oh, that one likes to switch."

"Reeeeeally?" Applejack seemed oddly interested. "How, exactly, does that work out?"

"Well you see--" Discord glanced at a wristwatch. "Oh! Look at that, I'm almost out of time. Twilight, I was supposed to deliver a message. In twenty chapters you should trust the black."

"...What?!"

"No clue what it means, but what the wife wants the wife gets." The spirit of chaos tipped a fruit-covered hat at the ponies. "Well, I best be off. Good luck to the lot of you!" And with a snap of his fingers he vanished.

After a moment, Rarity returned to reading her magazine. "Not the strangest thing I've seen on this train."

Okay, this is getting too serious. Deploy the cute!

Rainbow flailed her hooves melodramatically. "Agooba!"

Fluttershy managed to keep from outright laughing, but a snort did pass from behind the hoof she held to her mouth. "Really? 'Agooba?' That's what you're going with?"

The small blue filly frowned. "Fudahsy, I haf no idea how foals ak. Bein kood is hahd, okay?"

"I think that's the problem, actually. You're trying to force it, act a specific way, but foals don't think about it that much. They just... do their thing, based on how they feel." Fluttershy sighed. "Well, that's what I've observed, anyway. Just... follow your whims, and don't be embarrassed, and I think you'll have it."

Rainbow Dash scrunched up her tiny face in concentration. "My wims... hmmm."

After a moment, she rolled onto her belly and started flapping her wings as hard as she could. She managed to lift partway off the ground, her rear legs pushing against the floor as she buzzed along. "Weeeeee!"

Fluttershy managed to keep from giggling, but she had a wide smile on her face as she watched the filly flying around her home. She glanced at her own wings for a moment. Then, her smile morphing into a sly smirk, she fluttered up into the air, hovering just out of Rainbow's vision.

After a moment, Rainbow brought her forehooves back to the ground, panting a little. "Woooo...! Aaa. My wiens huht, bud I'm nod tiahed... thehs a lodda enahgee in dis body, huh Fudasy?" She turned back to where the other pegasus had been standing, and her eyes snapped wide. "Uh... Fudasy...? Weh ah you...?" She gazed around the cottage room carefully, keeping her hooves on the ground--

With a sigh, she planted a tiny hoof on her face. "You'h wite abof me ahn't you."

"Maaaaaaybe."

Rainbow Dash tilted her head up. "Okay... wy ah you up theh?"

"Oh, no reason," Fluttershy replied. "Just thought I might try to chase down and catch an adorable little filly."

"....waid wad?"

"I'm going to get you!" the yellow mare singsonged, diving at her.

Before she realized what she was doing, Rainbow Dash had started galloping around the cottage floorboards, dodging Fluttershy as she swooped around the room. Part of her realized that the yellow pegasus was quite deliberately keeping herself at a relatively low speed, only pretending to chase after her, but most of her thoughts were spent up in giggles and stumbling as quickly as her tiny hooves let her around the furniture. It was actually quite fun, once she got into it--the flow of leading and following, the exhilaration simply running brought about, the thrill of the chase.

The two of them rushed around the single room, all track of time lost, right up until there was a knock on the door.

Instantly Rainbow went from gleeful giggles to terrified tremors. "Gleep! Nopony can see me wike dis!" She rushed under the couch as quickly as she could.

Fluttershy blinked, glancing between the door and the couch. "Um..." She hovered down to the door, clearing her throat. "Could you, um, give me a moment? I'll be right out."

She leaned down to peer under the couch, giving Rainbow a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, I can keep them distracted. It'll be alright."

Rainbow responded with a nervous smile, but backed cautiously into the couch's shadow.

Fluttershy rose up and walked over to the door, opening it just a smidge. "Hello there--Scootaloo?"

"Hi, Fluttershy!" The orange pegasus filly beamed up at her. "Do you, maybe, know where Rainbow Dash is? Because she said we'd hang out today..."

Fluttershy couldn't help but wince. "Oh. Oh dear..."

"...What is it?"

"...ah." The yellow pegasus sighed. "There was... an accident, and one of Rainbow's family members.... it was pretty bad." Fluttershy shook her head solemnly. "You know how Dash can get when her friends get hurt?"

Scootaloo's ears drooped. "Oh. I... I'm sorry to hear that." She kicked at the ground. "She rushed right off, didn't she...?"

"Mmm." Fluttershy nodded noncommittally. "I... Actually!" she said with a sudden, forced cheer. "The injured family member has a filly that, well, couldn't be handed off to anyone in the family. Conflicting time commitments, it's really very bad. So Rainbow asked me to look after her."

She backed into the cottage, gesturing for Scootaloo to come in. "She's a little nervous, but you know I wouldn't be surprised if Rainbow Dash appreciated you playing with her. Let me just see if I can convince her to come out..."

Scootaloo watched as Fluttershy bent down to look under the couch. "Um... Spectral Shimmer, guess what! Cousin Rainbow's adoptive little sister is here! Do you maybe want to spend some time with her?"

After a moment, the filly thought she heard a little sigh. "Ugh... fine. I ges I can... bud see beda nod call me kood."

Fluttershy stepped to the side, giving Scootaloo a wide grin. The orange pegasus watched as what looked like, for all the world, a miniature Rainbow Dash crawled out from under the couch.

The two of them stared at each other.

"Hmm." Scootaloo tapped her chin. "You have a blue coat."

"It runs in her family," Fluttershy explained.

"And her mane is rainbow, like Dash's."

"Her father had that too."

"And her eyes are the same shade of... pinkish purple?"

"Actually they're more of a purplish pink," Fluttershy hedged.

"Hmmm. You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say that was Rainbow Dash as a filly. But I know that's not possible, age magic is incredibly difficult to handle."

Fluttershy nodded, her grin wavering as her eyes darted about.

Scootaloo finally started walking toward the tiny foal. "You know what, though? You were right, Spectral Shimmer. Even if you're a miniature version of RD, you're not cute."

"Eeeeyep," the tiny pony preened. "I'm somfin else endirely."

"Mmmhmm. You. Are...."

Scootaloo suddenly wrapped her up in a tight hug. "ADORABLE!"

Geeze, how many plotlines do I HAVE here anyway?

"Manehattan!" cried Rarity.

"Manehattan?" queried Twilight.

"Manehattan," confirmed Applejack.

"Tourists," snorted a passing hippogriff.

"Well," Twilight managed, "now that we're here, what exactly do we need to do?"

"We need to obtain an ancient artifact from a business monger through any means legitimate or non prior to the attempt of a griffon warlord attempting to do so," Pinkie reminded her.

"Yes, I got that, thanks. I meant, how are we going to go about it?"

Rarity shrugged. "Well, we have options. One: get Rusty Rail arrested--the CMC got a message from Babs about some questionable acts they're doing, but in order for it to stick we'd need evidence. Two: steal the Blood Diamond from the Demolition Depot safe--not impossible, just very very difficult. Three: ensure said griffon warlord doesn't make it to the transfer point--while the easiest plan to implement, it's also the easiest to counter."

"You seem to have thought this through pretty well," Applejack commented dryly.

"Yes, well, I have been focused on the problem for quite some time now."

"I vote option D: All of the above." Pinkie pulled a few bits out of her mane and plunked it on a roadside roast carrot vendor. "After all, it's harder to block actions from multiple directions. That's how I handled the Prairie Dog crisis, remember?"

"Yes, Ah remember," Applejack said with a sigh. "Half o' Ponyville was convinced you were a demon from Tartarus."

"And it took forever to clean out the stains!" Rarity whined.

Twilight blinked. "Wait. What are you talking about?"

"Oh, it was before you moved to Ponyville, darling." Rarity waved a hoof. "Really, a rather ghastly business all things considered. But the past is the past, and we should focus on what we're doing now." She handed the confused Twilight a stack of papers. "Would you be a dear and go to town hall? Out of all of us, I suspect you'd be the best at searching the records for evidence to arrest Rusty Rail with."

"I... uh... okay, which way is town hall?"

Applejack pointed a hoof. "Head thataway till ya hit Ork street, then hang a left to Main Lane, turn right and it should be tha big fancy buildin' with the statue of Pansy in front of it."

Twilight nodded hesitantly. "Well... you lived here long enough, I guess..." She trotted off, glancing about occasionally.

"Pinkie, darling? I think you would probably be excellent at keeping our griffon friend from reaching his destination." She pulled a map from one of the train station kiosks. "I think he'll be arriving from this skydock, and the end goal should be here..."

"On it!" Pinkie took the map with a salute, pronking away eagerly.

The unicorn turned to Applejack with an awkward smile. "Ah, as for the diamond... I honestly think it's best I go that alone. No offense, dear, but you aren't... shall we say, suited to such an attempt."

"Ah getcha. Go off and do yer thing, Ah guess... Ah'll just meander about." Applejack waved as she left the station, whistling low. "Hooyee, the skyscrapers have only gotten taller since Ah've been here last...."

Rarity shrugged, walking off toward her own destination. Well, not directly toward, of course; she had to meander just a titch to throw off any pursuers. After all, the group she was traveling with was mildly famous, not in the least because of her own actions.

Still, not even her own well honed senses detected the figure following her, blending into the crowd with practiced ease. The tracer did not break off the pursuit even once; slow though they were, their chase was a consistent walk. In almost any other situation, they would have been totally anonymous.

Most other situations did not have a unicorn randomly teleporting in, grabbing the startled pony, and teleporting out.

The loss of one of their members disturbed the crowd, who in grand pony tradition backed away from the spot that the kidnapping had occurred in. This disturbance was, ironically enough, quite able to grab Rarity's attention, and she turned around. "Excuse me, what is everypony panicking about?"

"Didn't you see?!" An aquamarine pegasus pointed at the place where the thing had happened. "Somepony was just kidnapped by a teleporting unicorn! Now all that's left is--"

"Muffins," Rarity mused, her eyes falling on the box of pastries that was in the center of the space the crowd had cleared out. "Thirteen of them..."

The pegasus nodded. "I don't know about you, miss, but somebody just up and vanishing from right next to you is terrifying."

"Yes, well..." Rarity cleared her throat. "As horrible as this is, and it is, I'm afraid I have to be somewhere. Do tell any police that are curious that they may find me at Maryoat's hotel, I've booked a room under Rarity." She turned around, trotting away at a brisk pace.

She forced herself to breathe evenly, taking a number of detours as she went along. If the Baker's Dozen was in fact active... if it hadn't been disbanded, like she'd thought, then the situation could get very complicated very quickly. On the one hoof, they could be quite useful if they were also working to gain the Blood Diamond. But on the other, well... who they were working for presented their own challenges. Best to avoid any detection--

"Oof!" Rarity blinked, smiling at the dark-coated pony she had bumped into. "Terribly sorry, darling, I wasn't looking at where I was--Princess Luna?!"

Parent-Teacher conferences generally do not take place in Tartarus.

Cheerilee groaned, blearily opening her eyes. "Unnngh... my everything hurts..."

"Normally I'd offer you coffee, but this really isn't the place. And even if I had it on me, it would probably be decaf."

The purple mare tried to look around her, taking in the jagged landscape and wasting creatures trudging along the structures more akin to skeletons than anything she had seen before. "Ah... where am I?"

"Limos, dear. It's a district of Tartarus."

"Tartarus has districts?"

"Well, certainly. Our prisons may be the most famous, of course, but a society cannot run on prisons alone."

Cheerilee hummed thoughtfully at that, standing up. "Of course not. Thank you miss..."

She turned to the voice and trailed off. Before her stood a mare in resplendent gown, perhaps as tall as Celestia herself, yet lacking such features as horn, wings, mane, or skin.

"I know," the mare said, her pale eyes rolling sardonically, "I'm quite the sight."

"...Well, yes," Cheerilee admitted. "I simply have to know who your tailor is."

The mare quirked the bundle of muscles that would normally host an eyebrow. "A matriarch star spider, whom I paid with the souls of monsters who in life committed the most despicable acts against helpless innocents. She wove them into her web so that their screams might attract the broodflies of the river Phlegethon for her to feed upon."

"A reasonable trade," Cheerilee agreed. "Shame I don't have any souls on me--well, except mine, but I'd like to keep that. I'm terribly sorry, I haven't even asked your name...?"

"Bloodkiller the Grandiose."

"Oh, you're Archer's mother!" Cheerilee stuck out a hoof. "It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am."

"And you as well." Bloodkiller bumped the proffered hoof and smiled. "It is rather rare to meet a pony who takes so well to those of us who live in Tartarus."

Cheerilee smiled, absently wiping her hoof on the ground. "We have all kinds in Ponyville. So long as you don't start roaring or anything, I think nopony would bat an eye."

"Mmm, then they may not accept my husband. A lovely fellow, don't get me wrong, but he can be a touch... let us say, melodramatic."

"Oh?"

"He should be along in a minute. He has a very important job, managing the..." Bloodkiller paused. "Well, how should I put this... hired help? No... Indentured servants?"

Cheerilee quirked a brow. "Slaves?"

"I... suppose in a technical sense," Bloodkiller mused. "It is an unwilling employment, I will admit, but one chosen by those older than Celestia. The ones Zkelatonix watches over are souls of those who broke their families in life, be it through physical abuse or psychological torment, and they will remain here until they are forgiven by those who they harmed. And it isn't as though my husband works them to the bone, they receive breaks and medical leave. He just... ensures they do not wander."

"...ah," said Cheerilee. "So... ghosts?"

"Mmm. We are a rather macabre society in here, I freely admit, but we do try to make it work. In any event, how has my daughter been doing in your class?"

"Well, academically Archer's been mostly alright, though she has had a few issues with history and geography." Cheerilee sighed. "Behavior-wise, though... she's a bit unapproachable to the other foals."

Bloodkiller quirked an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"They don't dislike her, but she can be... intense without meaning to be. She tends to be slightly more formal and aloof than necessary for a filly her age, until she starts talking about her hobbies... and then she gets a bit too much into it. If she had somebody who shared in her interests I wouldn't be as worried, but... I don't think she gets as much interaction as she should, if I'm brutally honest."

"She has never mentioned feeling left out to me," Bloodkiller mused. "Then again, my little Arch Render has always sought to meet her father's approval. Saying she felt lonely might feel like disappointing him."

"Honestly, it might be better if she did feel lonely. As it is, I think she just doesn't understand that anything is wrong with sitting alone." Cheerilee paused. "Well, I suppose there isn't anything wrong per say, it's just that... I'm worried if she doesn't learn how to interact with ponies her own age now, she won't be equipped to interact with them in the future. It's not really a problem, so much as it is an issue."

"Ah. Yes, I can see the distinction." Bloodkiller tapped her chin thoughtfully. "She does lack in friends here... mostly because this is Tartarus, and most of the people here aren't exactly the kind I would trust with my daughter's friendship. Is she happy, aside from that issue, out in Ponyville?"

"She certainly seems to be," Cheerilee said. "Although..."

She considered for a moment.

"While I agree Tartarus is an unusual place to raise a foal, that does not necessarily mean it is an inherently terrible location for one."

Bloodkiller tilted her head. "Oh?"

"My sister is... a drunkard," Cheerilee admitted. "But she's also a very loving, caring mother. She doesn't abuse Ruby Pinch, she makes sure she does her homework and knows just how important she is. I'll admit I was worried about her vices possibly causing problems. But Ruby does seem to be a healthy, happy young filly." She gestured her hoof around the jagged wasteland. "I have many, many concerns about a child being raised here, but Archer seems very well adjusted... aside from her issue, that is. I can't honestly say whether she would be happier here or in Ponyville."

"Mmmm. We do lack a dedicated school, you understand. Most of our education is in direct apprenticing."

"Ah, yes, that would be an issue." Cheerilee nodded. "Hmmm... If I were to bring the class here for a field trip..."

Bloodkiller's ears perked in surprise. "You really think that... would be permissible?"

"...perhaps not," the teacher admitted. "After the cutie mark crusaders accidentally released Discord, I've had to think over the security risks of school outings. Still, my point is most of our students only know Archer as another face in the classroom. Perhaps if they knew more about where she grew up..."

She gave Bloodkiller a considering look.

"...You know, family appreciation day is in a few months. Would you care to come speak to the class?"

Bloodkiller smiled. "I shall see if I can arrange it. It may take some time, however..."

Let's see, Mane Cast and.... PLUSHIES!

"So let me get this straight. We have, like, a whole world of fans."

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes. "Yes, Rainbow, an entire world of strange creatures thinks we're just that awesome."

"And because they can't come here themselves.... why can't they?"

"Magibabble." She waved a hoof. "Most of it would fly over your head."

"My head? Must be complicated then. Anyway, so they decide to send us plushies."

"Yes."

"Of ourselves."

"That's right."

"One from each of them?"

Twilight paused. "...Actually, it's more like, one for every five of them. At a rough guess."

The blue pegasus looked down at Ponyville, which was currently drowning in an ocean of brightly colored fabrics wrapped around cotton balls.

"You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think there's such a thing as being too popular.... They're still falling through the portal, Twilight."

"We were lucky to have evacuated the town," the librarian agreed. "Apparently Canterlot's got a constant downpour too." She pointed toward the multicolored stream rolling down the mountain capital.

Rainbow Dash nodded to herself. "Yeah... definitely too popular..."

"Dashie! Dashie! Hey Dashie!" Pinkie bounced over the clouds to her friends, carrying a blue plushie. "Look what I found!"

"Um... there are a lot of those." The pegasus pointed down. "Didn't you notice--?"

"Nononono. Look at the letter that CAME with the plushie!" She pulled something out of her mane, flicking it to the pegasus.

Rainbow read the letter. "...Twilight?"

"Another one?"

"Another one."

"Who is it this time?"

"Threesome, actually. Pinkie and AJ." She tossed it into the air, where her unicorn friend shot it with a bolt of fire.

"That's.... huh, AJ's still in the lead, I guess."

"SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HAY?!" Rainbow Dash pounded the clouds angrily. "I'm the LEAST romantic of us all! Why am I getting all these MARRIAGE SUGGESTIONS?!"

"I think it's because you are the least romantic," Rarity offered. "I've barely gotten any, and, well, I've certainly done my share of courting." She tapped the clouds again. "Twilight, darling, how long did you say this cloud walking spell lasted?"

"Three days... so we've got two and a half days left." Twilight glanced to her right. "You should count your blessings, Rainbow. At least you didn't get mail as... intimate as Fluttershy did."

"I read over some of those," Rarity added. "It's clear the majority of them are... trying to be gentle. Um. They just... have an odd understanding of her tastes."

"Where is AJ anyway?" Pinkie asked.

There was a moment of silence.

"I... saw her selling apples..." Flutershy finally spoke up from the quivering mess of a mane she had curled into. "I... don't know if..."

There was a sudden geyser in the soft ocean below, an orange mare gasping for breath as she breached the surface. "Whoa nelly! What in the hay is going on here?!" Pulling an unconscious filly up with her, she looked around and caught sight of the ponies standing on the cloudbank. "Rainbow! Scootaloo needs help, come get her!"

Rainbow shot Twilight a look, before shrugging and gliding over to the pair. Walking on plush was somewhat similar to walking on a half-disintegrated cloud; still, she had to be cautious as she slipped her hooves under her number one fan. Thankfully she was still breathing. "AJ, Twilight's going to come over on her balloon. She'll get you up to speed, I need to... see if Nurse Redheart can help with this... Looks like a usual case of exhaustion though."

"Usual case?"

"Yeah, a lot of ponies were buried under the plushies." Rainbow paused. "It's all your fault by the way, you're the sexy one."

This statement made no sense to Applejack. "What? How in the hay--are ya'll saying these are from mah admirers?!"

The pegasus flew away without replying. Man she was going to get it later but it was worth it to see the look of infurated panic on her friend's features. She waved at Nurse Redheart, who was still having some difficulty walking on clouds even with the spell, and put Scootaloo on a tourney. "Hey! We got something here!"

"Oh, my..." Nurse Redheart immediately began tending to the filly. "Oh... well. Good. She'll pull through. You know, this isn't even a very lethal plague..."

Rainbow shifted uncomfortably. "Plague. Yeah. That's a good word."

"Do you have any idea what started this?"

"Twilight could tell you. She's been studying the... thing." The pegasus shrugged. "Anyway, I, uh, should get back... We just found AJ, and we're thinking maybe a Harmony blast could stop all this."

"I'm not so sure," Nurse Redheart muttered. "Plushies are naturally harmonious, and you can't really hurt like with like..."

"Got any better ideas?"

"'Kill it with fire' comes to mind, but that could wreck Ponyville proper." The mare glanced behind her, then leaned in conspiratorially. "And, well, I'm still kinda hoping for a Redheart plushie. I mean even Derpy got one--Derpy! But..."

Rainbow shrugged. "I... dunno what to tell you. It's been kind of aggravating for me, though; whoever sent the plushies wants me to screw somepony but they can't agree who." She shuddered. "Most of the suggestions are mares..."

"Wait, you don't swing that way?"

"I don't swing any way!"

"Huh, I always thought you were bi."

"You know what, I'm leaving." Rainbow snorted, flying away from the impromptu clinic and back to her friends.

When she arrived, Twilight was just finishing up with her explanation. "...and after the public got wind of the project, well, the fans basically started sending in so many packages that the warehouses were filled up. Eventually they stopped with standard decontamination and decided to empty all the boxes in one go, and that's where the trouble started."

"Whoa. Okay, so Ah think I can understand this whole... relaytive Fictionality thing. But what did Rainbow mean when she said I was the sexy one?"

"Running tally," the pegasus explained. "There are letters suggesting who I should marry, and they involve... pretty much everypony. You're in the lead though."

Applejack's awkward conversation with Twilight

Applejack sighed, wiping off the last of the lipstick as she stared into the mirror. She took a deep breath, putting her hat back on, and walked out of the bathroom; the mare was still a bit wary of wearing her make-up at home, so she always took it off before heading back.

Not that she even liked it in the first place. She'd been.... experimenting. Trying to see if it felt right, and... well... it hadn't. After the whole plushie flood, and associated letters to Rainbow Dash, she seriously considered...

...but it was a stupid idea anyway.

Distracted as she was, she didn't notice Twilight until she bumped into her. The unicorn shook her head, looking at the earth pony. "Hey there, AJ.... AAA! THE JAR!" Her horn flared as she desperately tried to catch a small vial before it hit the ground. "Got it!"

"Whooee!" Applejack stood up, helping her friend to her hooves. "Mighty sorry bout that, Twi, Ah... wasn't really payen attention to where Ah was goen." She glanced at the glass test tube curiously. "What's in thar anyway?"

"Um--Bio, um, contaminants!" Twilight nodded, blushing furiously. "It's very dangerous for the wrong mare to handle, so I DON'T want it breaking. I'm only using it for an... experiment. Just had to pick it up and take it to F--to my home, haha!"

"Sounds... mighty dangerous."

"Yep! That's why I want to be extra careful with it."

The farmpony nodded briefly. "Well, why don't Ah walk ya to yer place so we can both make sure you don't spill any of it?"

"Oh I really don't need you to--"

"No, Ah insist." Applejack gave her friend a gentle smile. "Likely as not somepony's gonna come chargen round that corner and cause ya'll to drop that on accident. Ya know that Ponyville's a place fer crazy thangs ta happen."

"Um... okay. Sure!" Twilight grinned awkwardly, unable to deny the truth of her friend's words. They began walking down the road, the unicorn glancing around for some reason.

"...Um... Twilight?"

"Yeah?"

"How do ya think of me?"

Twilight gave Applejack an odd look. "How do I... what do you mean? You're my friend, AJ."

"Yes, that's a given but... as a mare, Ah mean. Would... not that Ah'm romantically attracted ta ya!" the farmer clarified quickly. "Ah'm just looken fer an opinion here, cause... Ah may sorta kinda have mah eye on somepony."

"Oh. Oh! Um... I...." Twilight blushed, glancing around. "I... hold on, you know I don't have a clue when it comes to this sort of thing..."

"Never mind, Ah... Ah shouldn't have put you on tha spot."

The two of them continued to walk on for a while.

"Um..." Twilight fidgeted. "I... honestly can't see you in any romantic relationship."

Applejack rose an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Not that you're not a nice pony! You are, you really are! It's just..." The unicorn flicker her ears back. "You're pretty much already complete, AJ. I mean, Rarity is striving to improve her dresses, Dash and I have the Wonderbolts and scholastics respectively, Fluttershy needs to gain some confidence.... and Pinkie's going everywhere. You, though... you're kinda deep rooted. Everything you want translates right back to the three Fs. Farm, family, and friends. You don't need anypony... not yet anyway." She shrugged. "I don't know how to say it, but the idea that you would even be open is startling to me."

Applejack stared at her, openmouthed.

"...That's just my opinion though," Twilight reassured her, giving a half-hearted grin. "I could be completely off the mark. So, who is it you're interested in anyway?"

"Um... well..." Applejack fidgeted. "Yah know how Ah was in tha lead fer Rainbow's potential gettogether's during that whole plushie thang?"

"Yes?"

The farmer glanced left and right, before leaning in closely. "Thar's a good reason fer that."

"...Oh! Oh, um... oh." Twilight nodded. "Okay, I can get that."

"Thang is..." Applejack sighed. "Look, sugarcube. Can... can ya'll keep a secret?"

"Well..." The unicorn tapped her chin. "I... might be better at keeping secrets then I used to be. But I'm not sure. It really depends on the secret, and how long it needs to be kept. After all, I am an analytical mind which means I like cross-referencing things with--"

"Twilight." Applejack leveled her gaze. "Yes or no."

"....um..." Twilight smiled awkwardly. "Yeeeeeeeesssssssss...?"

"Ah... well.... here's tha thing. Ah don't... in tha truest sense of tha word... think of myself, exactly, as a mare."

Twilight stared at her.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, Ah figgered that'd be yer response."

"Well... um... I... have no idea how to respond to this, actually." Twilight smiled awkwardly. "I'll, uh, just have to think on this a bit and, um, not tell anypony. OH LOOK here we are at the library, thanks for walking me here!" She waved quickly, ensuring her bottle of bio material was safe as she zipped inside and shut the door.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Well, Ah guess that could have been worse--" She turned and jumped suddenly, coming face to face with Pinkie Pie. "AAAAAAAAAH! Pinkie! What are ya doing here?!"

"Ah shaid, shaid I wouldn't help Twilight in chapta five. Sho... sho I am not!"

The farmer tileted her head. "...Are ya'll drunk?"

"Nah.... ish a plashebo."

HAHAHAHAHAHA fooled ya! There's no plot here, only a couple of sisters. I dare you to guess who they are before you open this chapter!

"Punch. Punchy. Puuuuuuuunchy."

"Ugh." The violet mare turned her head to the other purple mare. "Wha... what is it Leelee?"

"I'm drunk." A giggle came from the schoolteacher's lips, interrupted half-way through by a hiccup.

"And I'm hung-over," Berry Punch groaned, putting her head under her pillow.

Cheerilee gasped, hiccuped, and continued her gasp. "You? Hungover? Shay it *hic* it ain't scho!"

Berry groaned into her pillow. "You just had to be a dramatic drunk, didn't you..."

"My big Sishtah, she'sh hungover!" Cheerilee wailed, throwing her body over the bed.

"OOOOMPH! Uuuuuugh..."

"She'sh shupposhed to be *hic* unfallappable with alcove--alicorn--alkaline... *hic*.... boozche!" The school teacher poked her sister's flank. "Ish her speshial talent and everything! Mashter of the boooooooooo*hic*oooooooooozche. Only she can schtop the boooozche!"

"I'll stop your booze if you don't get off me," Berry grumbled. "How did you even get in here, anyway?"

"You, you schaid, 'Leelee! Leelee, I'sh gotta *hic* tescht some new brews. Scho, can'sh you be a goodiegood auntie an, an watch over Ruby while I do'sh that?" Cheerilee giggled. "And I diiiiiiid, big Sishter. I watched her *hic* do her homeworking like a good filly, and we played thish really cutesh boardgame, and, and *hic* when you stumbled in drunk she, she started spouting thesche *hic* orders. And you'd do your bescht to follow them, and I wasch sho worried until Ruby shaid it was a *hic* a game that was part of the teshting!"

"Right, the comprehension test..." Berry let out a sigh. "Look, about that--"

"And then! *Hic* And then you schaid, schaid it was time for both of usch little fillies to be in bed'sch, sho *hic* you tucked Ruby in and then you tucked me in and then you jusht collapshed and started snoring." Cheerlie clicked her tongue, shaking her head. "Scho I put you in bed, then, then I decschieded 'LeeLee, you should finisch grading them paper'she *hic* that all the foals are making, caushe, caushe that'sh what you get paid for!'" She giggled. "Schee? *Hic*. I'm a schmart mare, I am I am."

"Oh good Celestia," Berry groaned into her pillow. "It is too early to be dealing with your drunken ramblings..."

She frowned. "Come to think of it, how did you even get drunk?"

"Well, schee...." The school teacher sat up, wavering around. "Schee... there'sch thish thing about, about, about the filliesh and the coltsh... they are so smart sometimes, but, but schometimes *hic* they're scho bucking stupid! I, I wash juscht grading and, and grading, and, and, and... isch flippity floppity from good to bad and I dechided, 'Berry--' No, wait. *Hic*." She tapped her chin. "You're Berry, I'm... Cheery Leelee!" With that proclimation the mare smiled broadly.

Then she hiccuped and frowned. "What... what wash I talkin' bout?"

"You were saying that grading the papers was so frustrating that you decided to get drunk."

"YESH! Yesh. Yesh, that'sh what I did. I looked in your fridge and, and there were was no *hic* alkaline. Scho, I went down to your basement, caushe that'she where you keep yer booooooooooozche--"

"Wait, the basement?" Berry forced her bleary eyes to focus on her sister. "Not the cellar?"

"No, nonono. I'm schure it was *hic* the bashement, on accounta being through a door, not... not a trap*hic*door."

"Oh, Celestia--Cheerilee, why did you do that?!"

"It wash daaaaark!" Cheerilee whined. "I didn't wanna fall down the trapdoor and *hic* be trapped, scho I went for the baschement!"

"The basement is where I work on my experimental drinks!" Berry forced herself out of the bed, groaning as she stood up. "None of that has been approved safe for pony consumption yet! I mean, it probably is, but--"

"Wha?" Cheerilee wabbled over to her. "Whaddascha*hic*in?! Punchy, am I, am I gonna die?!"

"What?! No! Probably." The other mare groaned. "I just need to know what you drank, and maybe I can make sure this doesn't get any worse. Come on, let's find your cup."

"Wash a *hic* glasch." Cheerilee teetered after her sister. "A wineglassh! For whinersch, like you schaid!"

"I was only sixteen when I said that! AND I was drunk!" Berry managed to maneuver to the coffee table, picking up the only glass and sniffing at it. "Okay, let's see. Hint of cherry, quite a few spices, and fermented for--"

She froze.

"...Cheerilee? What did the keg you got this from say?"

"Oh, tha'sh easy!"

Berry stared at her expectently.

"....it wasch easy," Cheerilee clarified.

"Are you saying that the keg had the word Easy written on it?"

"Yep!" Cheerilee chirped brightly. "Scho I thought, if it wasch easchy, then, then, it couldn't be that hard! Hahahahahaha*Hic*hahahahahaha!"

"Oh sweet Celestia--Cheerilee, that was an acrynom! 'Everfree Ale Six Year'! It's been fermenting for six years and it's a blend of unique ingredients--"

"What?"

"...Okay, Leelee?" Berry put the glass back on the table and produced a wide, reassuring smile. "I need you not to panic. And to come with me, very very calmly, to the hospital."

"The hoschpital?! Nooooooooooooooo!" Cheerilee wailed. "I've already *hic* had my shotsh shish! You know I don't like needlesh!"

"I know, Leelee, but... uh... I was thinking, maybe if some of your students saw you there, they wouldn't be as scared!" Berry's grin widened. "Cause, you know, if their teacher trusts the doctors, then they can too."

"Really?"

"Yeah! Definitely! Let's go right now!"

"We, *hic*, we should make it a field trip--"

"RIGHT. NOW."