Better Friends Than Lovers

by FamousLastWords

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 2057

Twilight is having relationship issues and turns to Celestia for advice.

Celestia helps her citizens with a variety of issues on a daily basis. Relationship troubles usually aren't on that list.

But, there's a first time for everything if Twilight has anything to say about it.

Check out the live reading from Doom Pie!

Published 2018-05-11 22:40:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-11 22:40:07 UTC

Crossroad

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!” Twilight whimpered to herself as she rapidly trotted through the hallowed halls of Canterlot Castle. “What to do, what to do, what to do?”

Twilight Sparkle had a problem.

Normally, that was unsubstantial. She could handle problems. Her whole life since moving to Ponyville several years earlier was practically dedicated to fixing problems. But this… This! This was way up there on the problem totem pole. No, strike that. This was on a whole different pole, altogether!

This problem required Celestial guidance.

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight cried out at the top of her lungs upon entering the throne room, promptly interrupting what was more than likely a pleasant conversation between Celestia and her sister. “I have a problem and I need your guidance.”

Celestia watched the alicorn race up to the throne, stopping at the feet of the stairs. Twilight looked up at her, eyes as wide as a saucer. Actually, scratch that. A saucer is a major understatement. They were putting dinner plates to shame.

Celestia turned away from her sister, cleared her throat and took the dive into whatever may have been bothering her most cherished student. “Twilight, I’d be happy to assist with whatever is troubling you. Please, tell me what the problem is and I’ll help.”

Twilight cracked a small smile at her. “Thank you so much, Princess. I need to break up with Rainbow Dash and I need your help.”

Celestia and Luna both looked at her, motionless, not even blinking. After a few seconds, the elder sister gulped and took the plunge… even though she was probably going to regret it later.

“So, um, Twilight. Just to make sure I heard you correctly, you want us to help you break up with your marefriend?”

Twilight nodded. “Mhm. But not just that, I need assistance in breaking up with her to where we can still associate as friends and fellow element bearers afterward. I’m so lost with all this!”

Celestia stared at her for a short while longer. How do you even respond to something like this? This wasn’t in The Complete Moron’s Guide to Raising the Sun and Other Princess Things!

“Oh, well, I see…” Celestia turned to her sister. “Luna, I don’t suppose you would have any advi—”

“Oh, wouldn't thou look at the time,” Luna said, checking her imaginary watch. “It is nearly time to raise the moon and watch over dreams and other things of importance that aren’t in this room.”

Celestia grimaced. “But it’s three in the after—”

“Good luck with your terrible conundrum, Twilight,” Luna said before scurrying toward the door. “I’m sure my sister will be more than fit to assist you.”

Celestia gave her the evil eye the whole way. “Coward!”

Luna gave her sister a quick wink before disappearing through the large doors, leaving Celestia alone to deal with the situation. Celestia made a point in her head to exact some form of revenge later that day, but it’d have to wait. Right now, she had a close friend who needed assistance.

“So,” Twilight said, looking up to her mentor. “Do you think you can help me, Celestia? Starlight didn’t think you could. She said something akin to it being ‘the blind leading the blind’, but she doesn’t know you like I do.”

Celestia gave a half-hearted nod. “Of course I can!” Ohhh… why didn’t she just listen to Starlight? “But first, Twilight, perhaps you can give me some information on the situation. For example, why do you feel the need for this breaking up with Rainbow Dash?”

Twilight released a small sigh. “Well, we’ve been dating for three months now, and things had been great! But recently, well, not so much.”

“Oh?” Celestia responded. “Do you have any specific examples?”

“Oh do I.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “She eats with her mouth open… all the time! And if that’s not enough, she can never stay awake long enough to help me with any paperwork or research I’m trying to do. Last week, I was just on the verge of completing my thesis on why cheese could soon replace coal as a viable heating source and all I asked her to do was keep a slice of Equestrian Cheddar at eighty-eight degrees for a week and what does she do?”

Celestia shrugged. “Umm…”

“She ate the cheese, Celestia. She ate science!” Twilight had to take a few deep breaths to calm herself down, lest she emits another outburst. “I love science, Celestia? How can I be with a pony who uses it for a midday snack?”

Celestia rose a hoof. “Well, is it possible that you’re simply upset over this isolated incident? Maybe if you, I don’t know, thought about the good times you two had together it might help.” Celestia was proud of that line. It actually sounded halfway-decent!

“No, unfortunately,” Twilight said, dipping her head down. “I tried that.”

Twilight produced a small notebook from the saddlebag she was carrying. She rapidly flipped through it, scanning the pages until she reached the designated one that made her face light up.

“Here we are.” Twilight levitated the notebook over to Celestia. “You see?”

Celestia glanced over the page. “Uh, let me see here. ‘Today Rainbow Dash and I ate tacos. They were good.’” She then looked up from the notebook and toward Twilight. “What is this exactly?”

“My relationship journal,” Twilight stated with a proud smile. “I documented everything Rainbow and I did in it. This way, when hard times came, I could read back over the good entries and feel better. But this time, it didn’t work.”

“Hmm, that is rather sweet…” Celestia said, trying to find the silver lining in this clearly unraveling situation. “Maybe you didn’t find a happy enough memory. Let’s try this page. ‘Last night was quite eventful. Rainbow didn’t bother looking at me before taking my leg and—’ Oh my... “

Twilight shrugged. “You always told me to be detailed.”

“Ahem, yes, well, that’s enough of that.” Celestia levitated the notebook back to Twilight. “If you don’t think remembering good times can fix it, perhaps there’s another reason you’re feeling this way?”

“I already know what it is,” Twilight said with a frown. “We’re past the honeymoon phase.”

Celestia’s eyes widened. The fabled honeymoon phase. She’s heard tales of such an event over her lifetime but had never experienced it herself.

“Things just aren’t the same,” Twilight continued. “I was able to overlook all the small things at first, but now our relationship has just resorted to me watching and waiting for things to get better. Commiserating even.”

“I understand, Twilight,” Celestia said with a solemn nod. “And I will do what I can to assist. However, you being the most gifted student I ever had, I trust you at least came up with some basic idea of how to approach Rainbow Dash about this?”

“Oh, of course, Princess,” Twilight said. She then produced yet another notebook, much to Celestia’s dismay.

On her end, Celestia began rubbing her temples. This is going to be my whole day, isn’t it?

“I developed what I thought was sure to be a perfect formula for success, but when I went over it to check my work, there were just… just… too many variables!”

She threw the notebook at Celestia who began looking over her plan.

“Oh come now, Twilight, I’m sure it’s not that—AH!”

Successful Break Up = \frac{Rainbow \pm \sqrt{Poor + excuses}}{Ice Cream}

It was that bad, and that was being grotesquely generous.

Twilight sniffled a few times, taking the notebook back. “You see, this is why I need your help. I don’t want to hurt Rainbow Dash, but I want to be happy, too.”

“Listen, Twilight.” Celestia, for the first time, came off her throne and trotted down toward the mare. “Relationships are never an exact science. You can’t quantify how things will work out or how another pony will make you feel. All you can do is your best, not just for yourself, but for them as well. And unfortunately, sometimes things just don’t work out and you have to make hard decisions.”

“I’ve made hard decisions before, though,” she said. “Why is this one so difficult to actually do?”

“Because you care about her,” Celestia said. “Maybe not in a romantic way, anymore, but you love her as your friend. You need to tell her that and you need to understand that you can’t control what she does. As much as we want to, the only thing we can control is ourselves. So, control what you can and don’t attempt to control what you can’t.”

Twilight blinked a few times. “I think that’s the scariest part.”

“Mhm, it is,” Celestia said. “But that’s the risk you take with these things. So, as much as I’d love to be by your side and help you with this, you need to do it on your own because only you know how to truly express how you feel.”

“I… I guess you’re right, Celestia,” she replied. “I’m sorry for coming all this way just to bother you with that.”

She shook her head. “Trust me, it’s no bother at all, Twilight. I’m always happy to listen and lend a helping hoof.”

They shared a quick hug before Twilight parted ways and headed out the doors, taking but a second to wave goodbye. She had a renewed sense of hope and energy, one which she hoped would bear positive results.

Meanwhile, Celestia needed to go find her black marker. Her sister’s act of treason would not be forgotten and divine punishment was the only reasonable reaction. Luna should be taking her afternoon nap and wouldn’t it be a shame if she invaded everypony’s dreams that night with cat whiskers and a mustache?

Celestia rubbed her hooves together while wearing a devilish smirk. “Hehe, you’re all mine now, little sister.”

Back at Twilight’s Castle…

Twilight had invited her marefriend over with great haste upon returning home and had begun her discussion promptly, not wishing to waste any more precious time.

Luckily, she was just about done.

Twilight took a deep breath and looked at the pegasus lounging on the couch across from her. “So, after all that, Rainbow, I’m afraid it’d be best if we resorted to just being friends, again. I under—”

“Okay, cool.”

“—stand if things can never be… wait. What did you just say?”

Rainbow got up from her spot and stretched out a bit. “It’s cool. I totally get it, no worries. Things aren’t working out. I’ve seen the signs. I was kinda just holding on for your sake, recently.”

Twilight blinked a few times. “You… what?”

What was this sorcery spewing from her mouth? ‘Cool?’ This never came up in any of the simulations she worked out in her head? What was she supposed to… Oh yeah, don’t control what you can’t and stuff.

“Yeah,” she replied. “Twilight, you’ve always been probably my closest friend. I didn’t exactly wanna hurt your feelings. So, you know, I kept my mouth shut.”

“You… mouth… shut…” Her eye was doing that twitchy thing again. “How long have you known?”

“Hmm?” Rainbow put a hoof to her chin in thought. “Probably since you blew up when I ate that piece of cheese. Like, sorry, but the way I was raised is when you see food, you’re supposed to eat it.”

Twilight slouched back into the chair she was sitting in. “Well, I guess Celestia was right after all.”

Rainbow scratched her head. “Celestia?”

“Nevermind,” Twilight said, waving a hoof and sitting back up. “So, we can be friends again?”

“Ehh, I might have to get a raincheck on that one.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “We kinda did a lot of personal things. It’s gonna take me a bit to get those images out of my head when I see you.”

Twilight’s face heated up. “Okay, that’s fair. Temporarily awkward acquaintances then?”

“Now you’re talking.”

They both gave each other a quick hug and parted ways.

Awkward was definitely a good word to describe how their next few meetings were going to be.

Author's Note

This was a fun little exercise. I hope you had some fun reading it!