My little pony: Philosophy is Intellectual

by Ecthelion_Yuda

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random, Main 6
Length: 5003

Ponies become philosophers. 'nuff said.

Has anyone ever wondered which philosopher each of the mane six was like? Perhaps Pinkie Pie would benefit from Mill's Eudaimonic Utilitarianism, maybe Rarity would approve more of Aristotle's continuing advancement towards perfection, Twilight Sparkle may approve more strongly of Hume's atheist skepticism, Fluttershy might like the idea of Singer's animal rights activism, Applejack may like Descartes' need to understand what is true and what is not and Rainbow Dash may think that all philosophy is stupid and more time should be spent on doing real things rather than just thinking about them (like Gallileo).
Now, imagine what would happen if these six decided to enter into a philosophical debate...

Published 2012-09-11 22:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-11 22:14:01 UTC

Philosophy is Intellectual.

Twilight Sparkle was sitting at her table reading her copy of Plato's The Republic and contemplating her place in the universe. Twilight had been having these thoughts ever since her new shipment of Philosophy textbooks had come in and - being the curious little pony that she is - she decided to check a few of them out. What astounded her was that there were so many different philosophers, all of whom assumed that they had the answers to life's difficult questions. However, she discounted most of them because of their reliance on the existence of an invisible world outside the reach of common ponies. In particular she disliked the claims from Plato that there was a completely separate world that he called the World of the Forms where all of our knowledge came from.

"Ha, ridiculous," the purple pony said to herself. "If I can't see it or feel it myself, then it isn't real."

"Well that's just not true Twilight."

Twilight Sparkle yelped and leapt three feet in the air as Pinkie Pie's voice assaulted her ears from behind. She always hated the way that Pinkie just seemed to turn up unannounced like that. However, as Twilight calmed down a little, the ramifications of what Pinkie had just said seemed to dawn on her. Twilight was still a little annoyed after the whole 'Pinkie Sense' debacle and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to try and strike back.

"Go on Pinkie, how can you be so sure about the existence of another world beyond this one when you can't see it?"

Pinkie Pie blinked blankly at Twilight. Then she swiveled her head to face the wall on the far side of the library. and blinked again. Without removing her gaze from the wall, Pinkie Pie explained that she could quite clearly see a different world, full of bizarre bipedal creatures who seemed to care a great deal about all of their lives.

Twilight stared at the same wall the Pinkie Pie was looking at and her eyes widened with astonishment. Her mouth fell open and she turned to face Pinkie Pie.

"Oh my gosh Pinkie, you know what I can see?"

Pinkie Pie bounced around excitedly. "You see them too?"

Twilight slapped the pink party pony hard around the head. She shook her head and waited for Pinkie Pie to stop rubbing the back of her head.

"No, I see a wall. I will only ever see a wall, for a wall is all that is there, not some magical land filled with creepy two legged monsters or Gods or whatever. OK?"

Pinkie Pie's ears drooped and she faced the floor in dismay. She turned to walk out of the room when Applejack placed her hoof on Pinkie Pie's shoulder. Applejack looked really mad, but she wasn't mad with Pinkie Pie. She was mad with Twilight.

"Now wait just a second there partner. If Pinkie Pie says that there's another world out there, then there is. You know better than to distrust Pinkie Pie now. Heck, she's usually right about weird things like that."

Twilight refused to be rattled by the apple bucking earth pony and simply stood her ground. She had read all the books, she was ready for this sort of confrontation. In fact, she had been hoping that a situation like this would eventually come along. The one thing that Twilight had realised was that all of the philosophical knowledge in the world was useless unless she had someone to argue against.

"Well, simply because Pinkie Pie says that there is another world out there doesn't necessarily mean that there is. And even if there is another world out there, it doesn't necessarily have to be the one that Pinkie Pie suggests. The only things that I can be certain of are the fact that this world exists and that is good enough for me."

Applejack stood with her mouth agape staring blankly at Twilight Sparkle. She was absolutely disgusted by what she had heard. She had never taken Twilight to be such a heathen, but more importantly, she had never thought that Twilight would ever be quite so wrong.

"Now hold up there Twilight, you talk about the only thing that you can be certain of is that this world exists, right?" The unicorn nodded. "Well," Applejack continued, "prove it."

Twilight had to admit that she was a little surprised by this response from her country dwelling friend. She had expected some form of argument and probably a religious counterattack, but never had she expected such an interesting question to have come from her friend. Twilight took a few seconds to gather herself together before formulating her response.

"Well, I know that this world is real because I can see it, I can touch it and I can experience it. That's all there is to reality. When I can see and touch another world, then I'll believe that it is real, but until then, this is all I am certain of."

Applejack smiled smugly and nodded twice. She looked straight into Twilight Sparkles eyes and considered how best to phrase her next question. She wanted to be able to catch Twilight in her own logic and from there try to prove her own point.

"Tell me then Twi, have you ever seen something out of the corner of your eye, but when you went to look you realised that nothing was there?" The purple Unicorn nodded. "OK, and have you ever heard somepony calling you when actually they didn't say anything at all?" Again, Twilight nodded. "So you are aware that sometimes our eyes and ears ain't the best tools for telling what's real and what ain't." Twilight gulped. "So how can you say that you know that this world is real because you can see it and feel it?"

Twilight physically stepped back. Where did all of this knowledge suddenly come from in Applejack? Had she always been a philosopher? Or was she just grasping at straws? Either way, Applejack had just exploited the only main flaw in Twilight's argument, and what's more is that Twilight hadn't even realised that it was there. Applejack saw the fear in Twilight's eyes and moved in for the kill.

"Now, we cannot possibly be sure of the existence of this world because as we have already established, the senses are not necessarily in the habit of telling the truth the whole time. We can be relatively sure that most of the time our senses are right because they don't always steer us wrong, but we can't completely rely on 'em. But what we can be sure of is that we exist, even if this world doesn't."

Pinkie Pie hopped up on Twilight's sofa as Rarity and Fluttershy walked in the door (presumably they had been wondering where all of their friends had gotten to). Pinkie scratched her head and her eyes began to spin as she tried to make sense of everything that Applejack had just said, but only managed to get herself more confused. Fluttershy seemed to be having a similar problem, but Rarity just smiled and nodded.

Twilight raised her hoof to Applejack and cleared her throat. "I'm sorry AJ, but how can you be sure that you exist when you can't be sure that this world exists?" Twilight thought that she had the country pony now, but Applejack didn't even bat an eyelid.

"Fact is Twilight, ah know that ah'm real because ah'm a-thinkin'." Pinkie Pie collapsed in a confused heap on the floor as Applejack started to explain. "If ah'm thinkin' then there must be something real having my thoughts. For that reason ah know that ah am real. After all, if ah weren't real, then ah couldn't be thinking could ah?"

Twilight thought about this for a moment and came to the conclusion that her friends logic was sound enough. It made sense that to think was to exist, so Twilight had no real complaints about that. However, Twilight still wasn't happy about how quickly Applejack had leapt to Pinkie Pie's defence.

"OK then Applejack, if you can't be sure that THIS world exists, how can you possibly be so sure that the world that Pinkie Pie claims to have seen is real?"

"Yes, Applejack, this is something that I'd quite like to know too." Rarity moved into the centre of the room, next to Twilight and Applejack. This seemed like a good enough time for her to get involved in the discussion. Rarity did always like getting her point of view across at every available opportunity. After all, was it not her duty as the spirit of generosity to give people the benefit of her knowledge at every available opportunity?

Applejack audibly cleared her throat and laughed a few times nervously. She had not expected such a predicament as this. But she quickly found her ground again and was ready to reveal her beliefs about reality. She was a little surprised that even after all of the time that she had spent with her friends that none of them knew each others beliefs.

"Well, we are all debating the existence of that other world, right?" Everypony nodded. "Which means that there must be somethin' to get this argument started, right?" This time only Rarity nodded. Twilight however had seen a major flaw in Applejack's reasoning.

"If that's the case Applejack, then surely the fact that we are discussing the existence of THIS reality as well would indicate that there is something here that we must be debating?" As she finished speaking, Pinkie Pie - who had only just managed to get to her feet again - began to consider what Twilight had just said and decided that she had better lie down again.

Applejack on the other hand was perfectly ready for this. She had expected Twilight to come up with this line of questioning and as such she knew exactly how to fight back.

"We can't know for certain that this world is real because what we are discussing may be an illusion. Imagine for a sec that this world ain't in fact real but is an illusion that is being put into our minds by some evil demon. To us, this world seems perfectly real, but it ain't. The one thing that we can be sure of is that there is an external world that we have no direct access to."

Twilight started to say something in response, but she couldn't think of an adequate argument to make. Applejack had cornered her completely and had left her without a leg to stand on - quite an impressive feat when one considers the fact that ponies have four of them. Applejack, sensing the doubt in her opponent chose to deliver the finishing blow. Given Twilight Sparkle's doubts about the existence of another world, it was clear that she held no religious beliefs either.

"Well, from this standing point ah can also prove that there must in fact be a God of this external world. And before you ask how ah can come to this conclusion Twi, ah'll explain it for ya'll. Now, y'all went to Sunday school right? So you know the story about how God is good all the time. Well, the fact that we have that idea proves that there is a good God in this other realm. He is the reason that ah can be fairly certain that this world that we live in exists. A good God wouldn't deceive us about such basic things like what we can feel and see on such a large scale would he? So ah can be certain that the world we live in is real and not just an illusion, because ah know that God is real and He is watching over us."

Applejack nodded and ended her argument there, believing the conversation to be over and also hoping that she had managed to convince Twilight to change her ways. However, Twilight was no where near the point of conversion. In fact, Applejack's last arguments had just given her a point to argue from again and this time she was going to make a convert out of Applejack.

"So God exists does he?" Applejack nodded. "And it has to be YOUR God that exists." Applejack again agreed, because her God was the only truly perfect God. "Well then, surely that would make this world perfect right?" Applejack started to nod and then her eyes opened wide in shock. Twilight noticed this and decided to keep pushing.

"Tell me then, Applejack, if God is perfect then why is this world NOT perfect? Why do we have beings like Cerberus, Discord or Nightmare Moon? Why do we have earthquakes and floods and fires? Surely your supremely good God would stop all this from happening." Applejack couldn't speak. "Why does it have to be YOUR God that created this world? Seems to me that if a God did make this world then he didn't do a very good job of it. Look around you! We have earthquakes, fires, floods, stampedes and so many other problems that I can't mention for the sake of Fluttershy's sanity." The little yellow pegasus - who had begun to quiver with fear at the idea of all the multifarious natural disasters - thanked Twilight Sparkle almost silently.

"The way I see it, this world just fell into place by accident. There is no way that we can prove that any form of God had anything to do with this world. There are things in this world that may appear to have been designed by an intelligent creator, but on closer inspection it becomes more and more obvious that there is no God and there is no designer. This world just exists, that is all."

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with Applejack this time Twilight darling." Rarity's somewhat sultry tones drifted into the conversation - finally - and took everypony by surprise. "I don't completely agree with your adorable fundamentalist beliefs, but I do believe that there is sufficient evidence to suggest that there is something impressive out there."

"Sufficient evidence?" Twilight asked, arching her eyebrows completely unimpressed.

"Adorable?" Applejack queried, glaring at Rarity.

"Why yes, darling, there is plenty of evidence to prove the existence of some kind of deity and what's more I can prove that it is a perfect being." Noting the looks of consternation from Fluttershy and Twilight as well as the genuine intrigue from Applejack and Pinkie Pie, Rarity cleared her throat to explain herself more coherently.

"Imagine if you will, the perfect dress. It can be any dress you like, but it is there in it's entirety and it is complete. Now, where did that come from? The first place that the dress came from was the fabric used to make it of course. But then the fabric doesn't sew itself into a dress, there has to be a seamstress to do that so it also came from the dress maker too. But the dress maker has to have the idea, the inspiration to make the perfect dress as well, so that idea is also a cause of the dress. Eventually, when those three come together the dress is formed. The rest of the world is like that as well if you think about it."

Fluttershy tentatively raised her hoof to ask a question. Rarity indicated that it was alright for the pegasus to speak.

"I'm sorry to interupt Rarity, but what do you mean that the world is like a dress? I don't think I quite understand, so could you go over it again please, if that's OK with you."

Rarity smiled at Fluttershy, who was currently staring timidly at the floor. She shut her eyes and nodded once to let her friend know that it was alright not to understand some of the finer details.

"OK, Fluttershy, let's see if I can make this a little clearer." Rarity cleared her throat and thought for a second for an analogy that would make more sense to the delicate little mare. "Aha! Fluttershy, you know that big tree just outside your house?" Fluttershy nodded. "Well, that tree had to have come from somewhere right? Maybe the seed that it grew from? Now, that seed had to have been moved there somehow, probably by a gardener. But the gardener would have to decide to plant the seed and take care of it until it became that huge tree. It could be said that all things that we know of have Four Causes: The Material Cause (what it's made from), the Formal Cause (why it was made, in this case the gardeners desire to have a tree), the Efficient Cause (who made it) and the Final Cause (it's overall purpose). Does that make a little more sense dear?"

Fluttershy nodded. Twilight however was not happy. Rarities little stories may have provided a distraction for her other friends, but she still had some problems with Rarities perfect mover argument.

"Not bad Rarity, it's a nice idea. But not everything does move towards perfection does it? Once that dress is made, it can't advance any further, it can never be a PERFECT dress can it? That tree could be cut down, or a disease could kill it, or any number of other tragedies. Clearly the tree is not perfect either and it never will be. Everything is flawed, so your idea of a perfect being that brings all things together is actually a little bit laughable."

Rarity's mouth hung open in shock. Twilight had been known to be a little bit sharp at times, but she had never spoken to her like that, and she would never have expected Twilight to be so rude. Rarity slowly shut her mouth, gulped and felt a tear appear in her eye. It rolled down her cheek as Applejack trotted over and draped a hoof over the fancy mare protectively.

"What is wrong with you today Twi?"

Twilight shook her head and glared at Applejack. When her friends were being unreasonable, Twilight felt that she had a duty to try and let them know that they were being foolish. As Rarity sobbed into Applejack's shoulder, Fluttershy stepped forward.

"I...I don't think that was very nice Twilight." The purple unicorn rolled her eyes. "I think it would be better all around if you just apologised to Rarity and everyone made friends again." Fluttershy smiled the cutest and sweetest smile that she could muster.

"Yeah!" Said Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down as though she was in an Earthquake. "I think we should do what's best for everyone because that's what would be most fun for everybody and I just love fun don't you love fun because I do I think it the funnest thing in the whole wide world and I like fun thing's like parties and balloons and friends and parties did I already say parties I think I already said parties but that's alright because I LOVE parties after all who doesn't lo-"

Every other pony in the room unanimously bellowed Pinkie Pie's named in order to shut her up. The pink earth pony giggled embarrassedly and muttered a little oops. Applejack heaved a sigh and turned back to Twilight expectantly. Rarity lifted her head and stared at Twilight with her bloodshot eyes, her mascara running down her face unattractively. It was obvious that they wanted an apology from Twilight Sparkle. But Twilight wasn't ready to apologise just yet. She still had an argument to win and once Twilight set her mind on something she normally did just about everything in her power to make it happen.

"Alright Rarity, I'm sorry I snapped at you. But my point remains the same. It is quite obvious to me that things are not continually advancing towards perfection because there are things that cannot actually move. Rocks for instance don't move, they just sit there letting themselves get weathered away over thousands of years. That is not advancement towards perfection."

Rarity sniffed and dried her eyes. "Is it not?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Rarity, unsure of what she was getting at. Rarity cleared her throat and regained some of her pride before continuing.

"Perhaps the Final Cause of the rock is to be weathered away. The rock is supposed to do that in order to be at it's very best. Likewise, the fragility of the dress may be precisely what makes it perfect. The dress is supposed to be delicate and so in being fragile it is fulfilling its purpose exactly as it should. And just because we all strive for perfection does not mean that we achieve it. I believe that the only way to be truly perfect is to become one with the Prime Mover."

Applejack took a step away from the pretty white pony and a frown formed on her face. It was no secret that Applejack took her faith very seriously and he always hard when her friends challenged that faith. It didn't sit well with her that one day she would be saved and her friends wouldn't be. She tried not to bring it up that often because it made everypony annoyed, but she did keep praying that her friends would see the light. Unfortunately, Rarity had just proven her wrong. How could Rarity believe in such a being instead of God?

"What are you talkin' about there sugar cube?"

Rarity looked straight into the farm hands eyes and blinked once.

"Well dear," she said, her usual poise and grace restored almost entirely now. "Twilight was partially correct to say that things like rocks can't consciously move themselves towards perfection. They need something else to pull them towards it, something perfect. That ting is the Prime Mover, a being of absolute perfection. It has no potential and never did, because it is perfect and contains all perfections. This perfection attract all things towards, moving things into the next stage of actuality and therefore making them more and more perfect."

Pinkie Pie noticed the look of anger that was building on the faces of Rarity, Twilight and Applejack and knew that she had to do something before they started hitting each other. She thought for a second before producing her patented Party Cannon. She fired a single shot in the air and everypony in the room turned to look at her. As some of the plaster fell from the ceiling Pinkie Pie took a deep breath and sighed.

"You guys really need to stop fighting. If you guys are fighting, then you aren't happy and if you're not happy that means I'm not happy and then NOPONY'S happy. Shouldn't we try and make everypony happy?"

Rarity narrowed her eyes and almost growled at the pink earth pony. "And what if some of us happen to like fighting?" Equestrias best dress designer's voice positively soaked in anger because Pinkie Pie had cut her off with that silly party cannon.

Pinkie Pie however just giggled. "No silly, it doesn't work like that. We have to do what makes as many people as possible happy. My Mom used to call it the greatest good for the greatest number, but that didn't really make any sense to me, so I just say that we should do whatever makes all the ponies around us happy and smile. I mean, I did a whole song and dance on it a few months ago. You guys remember that flash mob I organised for Cranky right?"

Everypony nodded and smiled. That had been a fun day and everyone had had a lot of fun with that one. Applejack still couldn't believe that Pinkie Pie had managed to get so many ponies involved and performing on such short notice. But it was too late now. The argument had begun now and there was no way that Applejack was going to give up this opportunity to save the souls of her friends. She couldn't just sit back and let all of this heathenism pass.

"No can do sugar cube. Sorry Pinkie Pie, but ah think that there is still so much ah need to do for y'all. Ah'm fed up of havin' ta worry 'bout all of you and what's goin' ta happen to y'all after ya die. Ah'm sorry, but ah've let this slide for far too long and it's about time that y'all stop this foolishness and ya come into the fold of the Church. You need to save yourselves because I can't stand the thought of any of you not making it ta Heaven."

Applejack stood in the middle of the room panting with exhaustion and panic. It was obvious that she was serious about all of this and she was genuinely concerned about this. But Fluttershy was the one who stepped in. She too was quivering, but not out of fear this time, but rage. Fluttershy had long known about Applejacks stance on Fluttershy's choice in marefriends and had disapproved of all of them because a mare having a marefriend was sinful. But enough was enough.

"How DARE YOU!" Applejack leapt back a few feet as Fluttershy marched towards her. "How DARE you talk down on me like that! How dare you call me sinful and how DARE YOU tell me that I have to change in order to enter the heaven that YOU believe in! Did it never occur to you that perhaps YOU ARE WRONG? EVER!? You are in no position to preach to any of us are you Applejack. We all know about what you did with Rarity after Twilight's slumber party that time!"

Rarity's face went a bright shade of crimson and she tried as best as she could to blend into the background, all the while wishing that the ground would open up and swallow her whole. Applejack was lying on the floor in the corner, her eyes as wide as they could be. Fluttershy could be absolutely terrifying when she wanted to be.

"I think it's time that you lost that attitude Applejack. You can't possibly believe everything that you claim to without being damned yourself, so just DROP IT! And I swear to you now Applejack if you so much as whisper the phrase "it's just a phase you're going through" again I will make your life so much of a living hell that you would have to beg Twilight to kill you just to end your misery. AM I UNDERSTOOD!?"

Applejack nodded as fast as her neck would allow Nopony heard the upstairs window squeak open, nor did they notice a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail trot down the stairs towards them. In fact, it wasn't until she coughed to clear her throat that anypony noticed Rainbow Dash at all."

"What in the hay is going on in here?"

Fluttershy's breathing returned to normal and the weight of everything she had just said hit her like a freight train. She looked down at the mentally broken wreck that was Applejack and doubled over in fear of herself. She rolled back and forth mumbling the word sorry over and over again. Applejack still refused to move from where she was. Pinkie Pie was trying to console an absolutely mortified Rarity while fighting the urge to cry herself. Twilight just stood there, a guilty look plastered on her face as Rainbow Dash stared her down. She thought it would be best to try and explain the situation.

"Well, if you'd believe it, we're actually discussing philosophy."

Rainbow Dash dropped her right eyebrow and stared at Twilight Sparkle as if trying to work out whether what she said could actually be true. She scanned the room, taking into account the state of all of her friends and then looked back to Twilight.

"Is this some kind of cruel joke?" the pegasus asked. "You mean to tell me that you ALL got this upset over a philosophy discussion? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Look, it doesn't matter what your philosophical outlook on life is, just live life the way you want to. If you want to be religious, or a filly-fooler, or believe in Pinkie Pie's two legged monsters then you go right on ahead. It really doesn't matter. All that matters is that we don't let something as stupid as this ruin our lives. I honestly think that philosophy is something that only major eggheads find interesting or worthwhile. I prefer to actually go out and get things done instead of just thinking about them and if I'm honest you would all do well to follow my example."

Twilight thought about what Rainbow Dash had said and began to nod her head in agreement.

"Rainbow Dash is right. Why are we even fighting? Does it really matter which one of us is right? Does it make any difference to our lives whatsoever?"

Fluttershy dried her eyes with her wings and stood up. She extended her left front hoof towards a still terrified Applejack in friendship. Applejack took a few moments, but eventually she took her friends hoof tentatively and got up herself.

Rarity gave Pinkie Pie one last hug and dried her eyes. She cracked a joke about being thrown out of the closet instead of coming out of it peacefully and Pinkie Pie laughed. The two of them walked over to the rest of their friends, all of whom were exchanging apologies and smiles and hugs and even a gentle little kiss between Applejack and Rarity. Rainbow Dash face-hoofed and made a quiet comment about not deserving drama like this.

After a few seconds, Rainbow Dash suggested that lunch would be a good idea. With the agreement of the other five ponies, they all walked out together, friends once again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, in the human world, a small group of people punched their computer screens in frustration.