Twilight's an Idjit, Or: There's A Sucker Born Every Minute
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Twilight's an Idjit, Or: There's A Sucker Born Every Minute
The hum of a desktop filled the otherwise deafeningly quiet bedroom. The only source of light came from the computer monitor. In front of it, seated on a chair, was Princess Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes were glued to the screen thanks to the industrial bottle of Gorilla Glue that rested on the desk.
“Come on, you accursed thing.” She groaned, just as she had for the past twenty-five minutes. It was at this very place, with the facial expression she bore, that Twilight had been at war with a being most foul. Something that brought endless misery to those it dared to infect.
A Trojan Horse.
It all started when she clicked on a link on her favorite website, Hoofbook. It had been shared by Derpy. Twilight stared at the link and smiled.
Free Muffins 2018 Best Deal No Shipping All Natural Flavor Best Muffins!
Oh, cool! Twilight thought. The link seemed innocent enough. Sure, while the grammar may have made five of her brain cells hang themselves from her retenas, causing her an immense amount of pain as her vision blurred, she couldn’t possibly say no to All Natural Flavor Best Muffins!
Those were almost as good as Pinkie’s Diabetes Flavored Insulien Muffins!
Without a second thought, and with a Pinkie-sized smile, Twilight clicked on the link. Immediately, she was brought to a website that showcased ponies doing such unspeakable acts to each other that she had no choice but to furiously masturbate.
Then her computer shutdown.
Twilight blinked. After a few seconds, her computer restarted, and returned to her desktop, which had a picture of her best friends that she kept framed in her bedroom. Only, it wasn’t her friends. Their eyes were black with red dots in the center, and hyper realistic blood was oozing from it. She screamed, only to stop mere seconds later. “Wait.” Twilight ran a hoof across her screen, removing some of the black and crimson substances. “Spike really needs to stop having cherry yogurt and dark chocolate when he’s on here.”
Her monitor now sporting a stylish smear, Twilight went to go back onto Hoofbook to get herself some tasty muffins. As she clicked a blue E in the bottom left-hoof corner of her screen, the computer went haywire. Images featuring mares flashing unmentionables, stallions with foot-long horns, and congratulatory messages about winning appeared within seconds of each other, all of them flashing. Save for one of a stallion that looked suspiciously like Twilight’s father.
“D-dad, I thought I told you not to sleep with Missus Cake,” Twilight said from the floor as she she shook like a vibrator. It took several moments, but she eventually recovered from the traumatic experience of seeing her dad and her friend’s legal guardian get it on like rabbits during spring-time. One canister of bleach later, Twilight returned to her computer to see that her anti-virus software, Premium Paramilitary Mac Caffe, had been effectively decimated by the worst thing known to ponykind.
Twilight slumped down in her seat, a look of defeat on her face. A single, solitary tear ran down her face, falling onto the floor with a silent, yet powerful plop. Her mouth slowly curved downward, creating a frown that sent shockwaves through all those that lay eyes on her. Her horn slowly began to glow and then, everything froze in place. Twilight bit her bottom lip as she sharply inhaled.
The birds outside broke free of her spell as a swear word pierced through the still air, the ears of the young being deflowered by the heinous language of one of the princesses of Equestria. Many lawsuits were to be had by those that were affected, in spite or despite the fact Twilight had outside help from a Deus ex Machina.
Twenty-five minutes had passed and a flashback took place due to the author being too lazy to structure his story competently. Luckily, it was during that time that Twilight managed to get her antivirus program to stop having a story more interesting than this one. So, without hesitation, Twilight started up the program. Instantly, it found thirty-nine viruses. Then forty-seven. Then her computer blew up.
“Sorry!” Spike said from behind the remnants of the monitor, an innocent look on his face. “I thought there was a spider on it.” He let out a sheepish laugh. “You know how I am around computer wires…”
Twilight blinked, letting out a pained hiss as she did so. “Hey, Spike,” she said, gesturing for the baby dragon to come closer. “C’mere.”
Spike gulped and stepped forward. With a sigh, he peeked over from behind the remains of the computer. “Yes, Twilight?”
“Is there—”
“Oh, yeah, and it’s really big,” Spike said. “Like, about as big as Big Mac’s.”
The Princess of Computer Viruses eye twitched furiously. There was sunlight and a piece of glass stuck in it. She screamed and ran out of the room, galloping down the hall as she let out various profanities so foul that the narrator of this story had to be replaced with someone who wasn’t hypersensitive to what she said. After some time, including a visit from the FCC, Twilight reached the hospital. Sadly, her insurance didn’t cover shrapnel inflicted injuries caused by dragons who mistook a wire for a spider and she died from a serious infection.
Only she didn’t and she was resurrected by the power of the real Trojan Horse, who descended from the sky and touched her on her horn, and she returned to life. Alas, in the process, it also destroyed the hospital and once more, the insurance didn’t cover it. The insurance agents were later kidnapped by the Trojan Horse and they were never seen again.
Twilight returned home, her eye no longer inflicted with a debuff that caused twenty damage every three seconds, and sat down in front of her still obliterated computer. Using her magic, she repaired it and turned it on. It was free of viruses and she played some Minecraft.
Author's Note
Happy fifth anniversary to my girlfriend, who absolutely adores my crackfics. 
