Much Ado About a Squirrel
The Squirrel on Rarity’s Roof
or
Much Ado About a Squirrel
SPLAT. Rub rub rub. A white cloth soaked with soapy water made contact with a dirty, dusty window in Carousel Boutique. It glowed pale blue, sparkling in the sunlight that was coming in through the window. Sparkling in the sunlight, the unicorn controlling it thought. That’s just what I want this window to do, if only this Celestia-darned dust would come off! The unicorn, carefully levitating the cloth, rubbed harder. Rub rub rub. Her pure white horn glowed the same pale blue as the cloth. The dust remained.
“UGH!” Rarity yelled. Her horn stopped glowing, her concentration broken. SPLAT. The cloth dropped to the floor. “Oh, wonderful. Just wonderful. Now I have to clean the water off the floor, too.” She pushed her deep purple mane out of her eyes and took a step back to observe her work so far. Her entire boutique sparkled with cleanliness. Rarity had spent all day making sure that it was just perfect. After all, what would her customers think of they walked into a messy store, filled with dirt, dust and stains? They might never buy a dress from her again, and assume the boutique to be a cheap, repulsive dump. It would hurt my reputation, Rarity thought, to have my store look like some place such as Applejack’s farm. That low-class cowpony can roll around in dirt and dust all she wants, but I have standards!
Rarity glanced out the window. It was clean enough for now, she decided, and the outdoors looked so inviting. There’s nothing like taking a relaxing walk on a sunny day to get my mind of my troubles, she thought. She pushed her front door open, ignoring the ringing of the tiny bell she had installed on it, and trotted outside.
Scrape, scrape, scratch! Rarity stopped. What in Equestria was that? She stopped to listen further. Scritch, scratch, scrabble! She gasped. “It sounds like it’s coming from... my beautiful, spotless roof?”
She looked up. A pair of small, brown claws grasped the edge of her roof. Seconds later, a furry brown face peeked over the edge. Its ears twitched. Rarity’s sapphire blue eyes widened in shock. They met the shiny, black eyes of the creature above her. What is that funny thing, the creature thought, with its mouth hanging open?
“AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
--
“What the hay happened?!” Applejack yelled a few minutes later, rushing to her friend’s side. The orange earth pony panted, sweat glistening on her coat. She pushed a stray lock of her blonde mane out of her grass green eyes. “Ah heard what sounded like y’all yellin’ an’ dropped what ah was doing so ah could come here right away!”
“Hububububabah!!” Rarity half-screeched, half-blubbered. Suddenly, a blue, rainbow-maned pegasus dove from the sky, expertly landing in front of her hysterical friend.
“What’s the matter, Rarity?” Rainbow Dash asked. The sight of the familiar mare snapped Rarity back to earth.
“Rainbow, dear! Your mane is simply a mess! You make Applejack look like Photo Finish!” she scolded, pointing at Rainbow’s tangled puff of hair.
“Gee, thanks,” Applejack quipped. She knew enough not to be hurt. Rarity was extremely picky, and insults of a pony’s physical appearance were to be expected from the unicorn. They meant nothing to the apple farmer.
“You woke me up from my afternoon nap,” Rainbow Dash complained. “I came all the way here from my house, thinking that something was seriously wrong, and all you do is insult my mane!”
“I wouldn’t have to if you at least BRUSHED it before going out in public! Dear, it looks like one of those horrid clown wigs like the one Mayor Mare wore on Nightmare Night!”
“For all I knew, you could be dying right now,” Rainbow snapped. “If I took the time to stop and do something as silly and unimportant as brush my mane, it could’ve been the difference between YOUR life or death!”
“Brushing one’s mane is NOT silly or unimportant!” Rarity yelled. “It’s basic hygiene!”
“What’s going on here?” another familiar voice inquired. It belonged to Twilight Sparkle, who was quickly making her way towards the boutique. The purple unicorn skidded to a halt in front of Rarity. “Is anything wrong?”
“Oh Rarity, are you okay?” a soft voice called. “Are you hurt? Maybe you’re sick? Why did you scream?” Fluttershy, a timid yellow pegasus pony with a light pink mane, arrived with Pinkie Pie, the resident party pony in the friends’ town of Ponyville. The pink earth pony bounced up to Rarity.
“She looks alright,” Pinkie Pie told the others after making a quick inspection.
“I am NOT alright!” Rarity huffed. “Just look!” She waved her hoof madly at the roof of Carousel Boutique. Her five friends stared at it blankly.
“It’s... a roof.” Rainbow Dash stated.
“NO, YOU FOAL! Look what’s ON THE ROOF!!”
“Hmm.” Applejack squinted. “It looks like a squirrel.”
“Yes, it’s a squirrel!” Rarity yelled. “There’s a squirrel on my precious, clean roof!”
“Oh, it’s so cute!” Fluttershy cooed.
“CUTE?! It is NOT CUTE!! Somepony get that horrid, filthy beast off of there NOW!!”
“That’s all we had to come over here for?” Applejack asked. “To get a squirrel offa yer roof?”
“Well,” Rarity began. She hesitated. “...Yes.”
“I don’t see what the problem is,” Twilight said. “I get squirrels on my roof all the time!”
Rarity glared daggers at her. “You live in a tree, dear.”
“That’s true,” Twilight admitted. Her house, the Golden Oaks Library, was a huge, hollowed out tree.
“I’ll get it off,” Fluttershy offered. She loved animals and had a remarkable talent in dealing with them, from the smallest fly to the largest manticore. The pegasus flew up to the top Rarity’s house. “Come on little squirrelly. Come here with Auntie Fluttershy! My friend isn’t very happy with you on her roof.”
“Squeak,” the squirrel replied, giving the pony a bored stare.
“Now, now. Don’t be stubborn,” Fluttershy scolded. I know where to find you some nice, tasty acorns if you follow me.” The squirrel didn’t budge. Fluttershy’s cheeks started to burn.
“Hurry up,” Rarity called from below. “I don’t have all day! What’s taking so long?”
“Please, Mr. Squirrel,” Fluttershy pleaded. The temperature of her body rose quickly as the pony tried to control her anger and embarrassment. “I don’t want to have to use ‘The Stare’ on you.”
“Squeeeek,” the squirrel taunted.
“Okay, Mr. Squirrel. I warned you,” Fluttershy said sweetly. She put on her most fearsome expression, glaring at the squirrel with all of her might. In the past, this method, titled ‘The Stare’, was very effective. The pony’s sparkling, aquamarine eyes seemed to stare into the victim’s soul. Fluttershy dared not blink and leaned towards the squirrel with her infamous gaze. She waited for it respond as all of her other victims had, willing to do anything the pegasus desired so that they may escape her stare. To her surprise, the creature stared right back at her. Fluttershy backed down.
“It’s... It’s impossible!” she gasped. “No one can resist ‘The Stare’! I stared down a Celestia-darned cockatrice for pony’s sake! No creature is tough enough to be so immune!”
“Squeak.” the squirrel said. Is that the best you’ve got?
“Oh... Oh my!” Tears stung at Fluttershy’s eyes. Flapping her wings, she took off in the opposite direction, breaking into sobs.
“That... That monster made Fluttershy cry!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed from the ground. In the blink of an eye, the blue pegasus was up on the roof next to the squirrel. “Any last words, pal?”
“Squeak.”
“Eh, that’ll work.” Rainbow’s hooves struck out blindly at the beast. Crunch. “EEEEYYYYAAHHHH!!!” She quickly brought them back in, inadvertently punching herself in the mouth. She made a desperate attempt to suck on her wildly stinging wounds, but the raging squirrel dangling from her body hindered her.
“SCREEEEEK SQUEEEELLLEEEAAACKKKK!!!” the beast screamed, biting and clawing at the sorry creature who had dared to attack it. Gobs of blood oozed from the pony’s cuts, her front legs completely covered in red gashes. Rainbow slung the monster from her hoof and the it landed with a thud, exactly where it had been before. She fled to the safety of the ground, where her friends were still waiting.
“That thing is DEMONIC!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. The soft breeze made her cuts sting more, like somepony had stuck a hundred freshly sharpened knives in her legs. She wailed.
“Oh my, sugarcube,” Applejack told her. “It looks bad. Real bad. Ah guess ah’ll hafta take her to the hospital. Y’all stay here an’ keep tryin’ to get that squirrel off, girls. Rainbow, y’all come with me.”
Rainbow Dash flew close to the ground, flapping her wings as slowly as possible to avoid stirring up a breeze. Applejack stuck close by her side as the two slowly traveled away. Pinkie Pie watched them leave.
“That mean old squirrelly hurt Dashie!” Pinkie exclaimed. She darted over to a large tree that grew next to Rarity’s house and clambered her way up. “Ohhhh, Mr. Squirrel! Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! How are you?”
“Squeak.” the squirrel said. Won’t these girls take no for an answer?
“I wouldn’t have to do this if you weren’t being such a meanie-meanie-pants to my friends,” Pinkie said, “but... HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO A PARTY?”
“Squeak?” the squirrel replied. Wait, what?
“I love throwing parties, especially for ponies who are new in town that I’ve never met before! If I don’t know them they must be new because I know every pony in Ponyville,” Pinkie rambled. “I don’t know every squirrel though, so maybe you aren’t new in town, but I’ve never thrown a party for a squirrel before and now I want to because I think it would be really fun! What should I make the snacks out of? Acorns? I’m sure it would please all the squirrel guests but I don’t think the ponies would be too happy with it. It would be a great opportunity to try out my new acorn cupcake recipe, though! What do you think Mr. Squirrel? Would you come to my party? Pretty please? I’d really love it if you came because you’re the guest of honor and what kind of party is a party where the guest of honor doesn’t show up? It wouldn’t be much of a party at all if you never came, so please come! I can get my friends to help me with the baking and decorations and cake... Oh, wait! I need to schedule a day for the party! Would today work? I’d really really like to have the party today, because why put off ‘till tomorrow what you can do today, like parties? Besides, the party won’t be on Rarity’s roof and if you want to come you’ll have to get off the roof, and if the party’s today you’ll have to get off today, and I think Rarity would really like it if you got off her roof today, and...”
The squirrel clamped its paws over its ears as Pinkie talked on and on and on. What she was saying began to fade into, “...party party party party...” The poor squirrel couldn’t take it anymore. SLASH!
“...so that’s why I’d really really super duper appreciate if you could come to my par... ty?” Pinkie stopped and rubbed her hoof against her cheek. Looking at it, she noted that the hoof had a red liquid on it, which meant her face was bleeding. She leaned over the edge of the roof and gazed into Rarity’s window. A familiar pink pony stared back at her, confirming her fears. The pony had a long, red cut running down her cheek. She turned back to the squirrel.
“Oh... Okay. I-If you don’t want to come, t-that’s... fine... I guess...” Pinkie made a hasty retreat.
“He isn’t coming off, is he?” Rarity asked Twilight. It was supposed to be a simple task. Just go up and get the stupid squirrel off the roof. No one had counted on the squirrel resisting so much.
“Oh, he’s coming off,” Twilight announced. Her face turned bright red, like a fresh tomato. Her left eye twitched. “Nopony, or SQUIRREL for that matter, hurts my friends and gets away with it! There’s a reason I’m the Element of Magic! I’ll get him off if it’s the last thing I do!” Her lavender horn glowed a bright magenta, and with a burst of hot pink light, the unicorn was gone. With another burst, she reappeared magically on the roof.
“Just what do you think you’re doing?” Rarity yelled. “You’ll get KILLED!”
“Nice to see you have faith in me,” Twilight replied. “I’m going to teleport him to the Everfree Forest.” Her horn glowed once more, encasing the small, furry beast that had caused her best friends so much pain in magenta light.
“Squeeeaaaakkkk?!” The squirrel paddled its legs around and flailed its arms as it rose into the air. “Squeeee...” POP! Twilight smiled in triumph. The squirrel had disappeared.
--
POP! “...eeeeaaaakkkk!” THUMP! The squirrel now sat on a wooden table. It rubbed its head, dazed, and observed his new surroundings. It seemed that he was in a small hut with shelf after shelf of strange bottles filled with mysterious liquids. Painted masks decorated the walls and a large pot sat in the middle of the room. Something was steaming and bubbling inside it. A strange black and white-striped equine stood, stirring the brew with a large spoon. Green light danced off of the golden bangles on one of her front legs, and from her golden necklaces. Thick hoop earrings hung from her ears. Zecora the zebra turned in surprise towards the little squirrel.
“Small furry pest, I did not expect you to come. Go back to wherever you are from! You are just a simple squirrel, but... I do not want you as a guest in my hut.” Zecora grabbed a dark bottle from a nearby shelf and dumped its contents on her unexpected guest. Green, glowing powder rained down upon the squirrel. Its nose itched.
“Squeeeak... Squeee... AHH...” POP!
--
POP! “...CHOO!” WHAP! The squirrel slowly opened his eyes. The sunlight was blinding compared to Zecora’s hut in the dark Everfree, where close to no light came in through the tall trees. Looking up, he noticed a vaguely familiar purple unicorn standing over him, her eyes wide and mouth agape. He was back on the roof.
“I-It’s impossible!” Twilight stammered. “I... I t-teleported him, I... I swear! How... HOW IS HE BACK?! He’s just a s-squirrel! H-he shouldn’t be able to teleport back! It’s... It’s impossible!”
The nervous unicorn paced back and forth, coming dangerously close to the roof’s edge. As she rambled to herself, she walked clean off the roof. Rarity’s horn glowed blue, encasing her shocked friend in a similar blue glow. Once Twilight was safely on the ground, Rarity let her go.
“It’s impossible! There’s no way a squirrel could have done that! Unless... Unless he’s magic! Squirrels aren’t magic! It’s impossible!” Twilight wandered off. She hadn’t even noticed Rarity, or that she had just walked over the edge of a roof and survived. Rarity glanced back up to the squirrel.
“You know what? I give up. Stay up there,” she snapped. Defeated, she walked back into her otherwise spotless house. SLAM!
“Squeak.” the squirrel said. He brushed the blood, feathers and glittering magic powder off himself. I’ve had enough for one day, he decided. The squirrel paused for a quick stretch and scampered off, leaving a horrible mess on Rarity’s perfect roof.
The End
