PreenHub

by CategoricalGrant

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Princess Celestia, Sex, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2308

Ponyville enters a moral panic when Pegasi begin uploading videos of themselves preening onto the internet.

When some of Ponyville's pegasi begin uploading distasteful videos of their private activities onto the internet, Ponvyille has a series of increasingly useless town meetings to debate the problem.

Teen for implied (but not actual) lewdness.

"This is how you do random comedy correctly." -stupidhand14
"This is neither clickbait, nor trash. It was glorious." -Radbunny

EDIT: Featured at #2 5/15/18!
EDIT: Featured #1 same day! Thank you all, I'm glad you enjoyed!
EDIT: Now with an AUDIO READING by MultiDoomPie!

Published 2018-05-15 03:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-15 03:50:07 UTC

L E W D

“See, I told you it was a good idea to get a secondary router out here in the treehouse,” Sweetie Belle said as she pressed the power button on her magic-crystal laptop. “Now we can do stuff on the internet out here!”

“What did you want to show us, anyway?” Scootaloo huffed. “It better have been good, you pulled me away from practicing my awesome new scooter routine!”

“Oh, trust me, it’s worth it,” Sweetie Belle began. “We are now almost big ponies, and I found us something...inappropriate to watch.” She smiled devilishly, rubbing her hooves together as a happy chirping sound signaled that her computer had booted up. “Finally, our transition to young-adulthood will be complete!”

“Oh boy, irresponsible conduct! That’s what we tweens ‘er supposed to do!”

“Yeah, why didn’t you say so, Sweetie Belle!”

“Okay…” Sweetie Belle continued, her tongue sticking out of her mouth as she used her nascent magical powers to tap on the keyboard. “Pipsqueak found this and told me about it, and let me just say, wow.” Sweetie Belle clicked on a link, and a video popped up.

“Hey, cool, it’s Rainbow Dash!” Scootlaoo cheered. “I didn’t know she posted flying videos online!”

“Aw, neat, she’s already fluffin’ her wings up,” Applebloom noted.

“I can’t wait for her to start doing stunts and-”

A hushed silence fell over the room as Scootaloo and Applebloom narrowed their eyes in concentration, and Sweetie Belle leaned back smugly.

“I-is she…”

“No way! Wow!”

The door to the treehouse burst open as Applejack bucked it open. “There are my three favorite fillies! I brought ya’ll some apple fritters to help compliment your wholesome bonding activities!”

The three fillies remained frozen as Applejack slid a plate of fritters off of her back and onto the clubhouse’s table. “So, watcha up to?” she pried.

“Uhhh…” they stammered simultaneously.

“I hope ya’ll aren’t up to anything mischievous,” Applejack muttered skeptically, many years of experience dealing with the Crusaders ringing the alarm bells in her head.

“N-no way, Applejack,” Applebloom stuttered. “We’re just, uh, playin’ violent video games!”

“Oh, really?” Applejack hooted back, now pleased and interested. She turned the corner to look at the laptop. “What’s yer K/D?”

Applebloom tilted the lid down quickly. “Ah-er, dontcha worry ‘bout that, AJ, we’re holdin’ our own!”

“Quit yer fussin’! I’m sure that ya’ll aren’t that bad.” With a strong hoof, Applejack opened the laptop lid and gasped. “No...No!”

Falling to her haunches, Applejack raised her front two hooves in lamentation.

“NO!!!!”

Most of Ponyville had gathered into town hall, and the ponies were rabbling amongst themselves in a rather disorderly fashion. The dissatisfied mumbling only reached a fever pitch when Mayor Mare marched on stage and took the podium.

“Calm down, everypony!” the Mayor called, to no avail.

“GONE!” came the rumbling voice of Applejack, who was sitting in the front row. Almost immediately, the room calmed down to hear what she had to say. “Gone are the days where little colts and fillies would be playing violent video games in their spare time, learnin’ values like patriotism, and the will to indiscriminately kill and/or die for their country! Long past is the time when foals would learn creativity, perseverance, and self-reliance by getting into fights with roving gangs of bullies on the way home from school!”

A loud chorus of affirmative grunts arose from the ponies assembled.

Applejack continued, now standing up on her folding chair. “Now, I ain’t much fer speeches, but when I come home to find my little sister and ‘er friends watchin’...watchin’ that filth...Oh it makes my blood BOIL! Now, ah don’t care what ya’ll pegasi do in the privacy of your own home, but p...p...Ah can’t even bring myself to say it...Posting videos a’ ya’ll preenin’ on the internet where young eyes can find it just ain’t okay!”

“They took our children’s innocence!” a pony called from the back.

“I ain’t one to be namin’ no names,” Applejack continued spitefully, “But the thing that makes it hit home is that a dear friend of mine...let’s call her ‘Lamebow Smash’, was the one perpetratin’ such distasteful acts on the screen!”

A disdainful scoff arose from Rainbow Dash, who was sitting a few rows back with her hooves crossed. “Thanks a lot, AJ. Real subtle of you!”

“Oh, shit, Dash has a preening video on the internet? I gotta find that!” a pony called.

Rainbow Dash scowled, puffing up her cheeks with air. “Shut up, Thunderlane!”

“But why, Rainbow? WHY?” Applejack demanded.

Rainbow Dash blushed in embarrassment, hiding her face from the crowd with a wing. “Look, I accidentally bought a timeshare last week...long story...but my Wonderbolt salary isn’t enough to cover it! I just did a few minutes on a camera for one pony! Just for the money! I didn’t know he’d record it and put it on the internet!”

“SHAME!” Applejack cried, pointing a hoof at her erstwhile friend. “Shame! Shame! Shame!” she began chanting, with more ponies joining in on each rendition.

“QUIET!” Starlight Glimmer screeched from the back of the room. All heads pointed toward her. “Now, I enjoy reductionist celebrity witch hunts as much as the next pony, but Rainbow Dash isn’t solely to blame for this. In the past week, I’ve had to counsel three students at the School of Friendship for watching these...videos...in class, no less! They’ve featured ponies from all over town, even pillars of the community!”

“My husband is sleeping on the couch for the next six months!” a sky blue mare declared after standing up. “Our son found a stash of disgusting links featuring pegasi from all over the county on his computer! Starlight is right- the ponies that view this smut are husbands and fathers, too! The only way to stop is to make the pegasi pay!”

“No!” the pegasus Cloudchaser retorted, flying up to the stage. “Pegasi have been ashamed of their bodies for too long! Free the wing!” With that, she lifted a wing and began gently readjusting the feathers with her teeth.

A chorus of shocked mumbling and angry booing immediately followed. Some of the reactions were even screams of horror.

“MY EYES!”

“Cloudy, stop!” the perpetrator's sister Flitter cried, flying up and pulling Cloudchaser’s wing away from her mouth.

“FREE THE WING!” Cloudchaser wailed, struggling for control again.

“Throw that pony in prison fer’ obscenity!” Applejack commanded.

Everypony froze as half a dozen ear-splitting cracks rang through the room. “Enough!” Mayor Mare declared forcefully. “This meeting is getting unruly and is hereby adjourned! Rest assured, I am certain that this issue will blow over in no time with no additional action from anypony.”

Three days later, most of Ponyville, even more angry ponies crowded into the auditorium of the town hall, rambling even louder.

“It’s gotten worse!” the schoolteacher Cheerilee lamented. “I’m getting complaints daily from parents!”

“It’s not only that, adults are getting more into this preening business as well,” Davenport tacked on. “That profiteer Filthy Rich has opened up two ‘Gentlecolts’ Clubs’ that are frequented by none of the sort! Nopony wants to buy couches anymore! They just watch the pegasi do their business instead!”

Loud bursts of sobbing interrupted the conversation, as Fluttershy shivered in her chair. “WON’T SOMEPONY PLEASE THINK OF THE CUTE, CUDDLY ANIMALS!?”

“And how do we know you haven’t uploaded videos too, you little yellow hussy!?”

“I hate to interrupt everypony’s angry complaints and baseless accusations,” a brown-maned earth stallion with a rather chipper accent began. “But unfortunately this rather unpleasant bit of business has found its way off of the dark web and is now readily available on the internet on a single site called Preenhub. It has literally thousands of videos!”

“And how in the hay do you know that!?” Applejack demanded.

The pony blushed and scratched the back of his head. “I was doing, uh, research! Yes, to combat this absolutely terrible epidemic of immorality!”

“Twahlight! Twahlight!”

“What?” Princess Twilight Sparkle called tiredly from the back.

“We need to take down that there website right now!”

“Look, everypony, I have been dealing with the fallout from this for days now. Not only do I not have the power to censor the entire internet by myself, but we don’t even know where the server for-”

The front door of the Town Hall burst open as two dozen pegasi, mares and stallions, marched in, loudly chanting pro-preening slogans. They marched up to the wooden stage, and coupled into twos, where they began preening each other.

The disgusted gasps and boos began immediately, with a number of ponies throwing fruit at the unsuspecting protesters.

Suddenly, Blossomforth collapsed onto the stage, a bloody cut on her forehead as she sat back up. “OW! Did one of your just throw a brick?”

“Get off the stage, ya dirty hippies!”

“EVERYPONY, PLEASE!” Twilight screamed, causing a brief lull in the action. “This isn’t going to solve anything. I wrote Princess Celestia earlier today, and she told me she was coming to this meeting. Please, just be patient!”

There was silence for a few moments before a pony spoke up. “...But I want a solution now!”

A magical pop marked the entrance of Princesses Celestia and Luna into the room.

“Hello everypony, I hope that we’ve arrived at a conspicuously convenient time,” Princess Celestia cooed in a sweet greeting.

“Yes, we have heard that a terrible strife has overcome this assembly of serfs,” Luna declared. “Whatever the issue, I am certain that my sister and I can figure it out for you.”

“Oh, Luna,” Celestia said, pointing with a hoof. “One of your feathers is out of place.”

Luna raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Oh. Good catch, Celestia, thanks.” Leaning down, she preened it into place.

The entire room gasped simultaneously.

“Oh, stop being such prudes,” Luna hissed.

After several argumentative minutes of explanation, the Princesses were caught up on the problem. Regally, Celestia took a seat on a metal folding chair and cleared her throat.

“Alright, my subjects, everypony grab a seat. We are going to have a heart-to-heart talk about the preening issue and bang this out.”

A chorus of grumbling was elicited from the crowd, but under Celestia’s scolding gaze, they quickly found their seats.
“Now then, who would like to go first?”

After several hours of intensely personal, intimate, and honest discussion, Celestia’s soothing voice flowed through the room again. “Now, I think it’s time to recap. Does anyone have anything to say?”

Twilight Sparkle raised a hoof. “Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that living in a free society necessitates that others have the freedom to perform immoral actions, so long as those actions are not directly harming others in an aggressive manner. While it is important to recognize that some actions are not morally upright, it is also equally as vital to recognize that no mere pony can force moral rectitude upon another through governmental directives.”

“I learned that, given the negative social structure surrounding preening media, which includes pony trafficking and poverty, it is important to recognize that many ponies only preen out of necessity and not choice,” Mayor Mare added. “Thus, it is not a prudent strategy to demonize those who take part in this industry, given that they often do not wish to take part in it in the first place.”

“It’s also important to note that we, the consumer, are responsible for the growth of this industry,” noted Thunderlane. “If it were not for the darker parts of our own nature, such obscene media would not exist in the first place, as it would not drive revenue production.”

“I learned that while it’s excellent and laudable to be committed to a cause you believe in, it’s also vital to respect others’ values and opinions while you promote your own ideals,” Cloudchaser tacked on. "Such is the basis of mutual respect in society."

“And finally, I think we all learned about the right way to help raise our foals,” Applejack continued. “Ultimately, we can’t control all the decisions that our little ones make. Therefore, it is important to instill them with appropriate values through religious, moral, and civic education so that they do not stray from the 'good path', so to speak, and make upright decisions on their own without undue influence from us adults.”

The crowd stared awkwardly at Applejack.

“...Ya’ll,” she concluded.

The population of Ponyville simultaneously murmured in solemn agreement at the recounted lessons. For the first time in days, preening pegasi and conservative parents were united in agreement.

“Very good, my little ponies,” praised Celestia. “The magic of friendship solves everything. Well banged out, indeed!” Standing to her hooves, she stretched daintily. “Well, with that, I think that it’s about time for my sister and I to get going.”

“Uhm,” the brown-maned Bittish stallion interrupted, waving a hoof to draw attention to himself. “Terribly sorry to interrupt, but, uh, it looks as if a video of two ponies engaging in sexual relations has been uploaded to PreenHub.”

Silence fell like a thick blanket among those assembled. For several agonizing seconds, nothing happened.

Finally, Princess Celestia cleared her throat. “So, I know we just agreed on a bunch of stuff, but that is way over the line. They should be punished.”

“Indeed!” Princess Luna cried, leaping to her hooves from her chair. “I am going to throw them into my Cuddle Dungeon, and then execute them!”

“Everypony, get your mob weapons,” Twilight ordered.

Moving as one, the crowd leapt into action, folding up metal chairs to use as bludgeoning devices and setting fire to makeshift torches.

One pony, however, bolted out the door and to the edge of town. “BIG MAC! GET THE SHOTGUN!”

Author's Note

Thank you for reading this blatant piece of clickbait trash