WANTED: TYRONE PINES- But who cares?

by The Cowardly Christian

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Tempest Shadow, Crossover, Sex, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Gravity Falls, Science Fiction, Other
Length: 1978

Their father destroyed his world to keep his loved one's safe, but now he's the most hated man on earth. So now he must send his beloved children away to save them...can Equestria handle the Pines Twins?

'“We make our own monsters, then fear them for what they show us about ourselves.”- Mike Carey & Peter Gross'

...Well I don't know about that, but releasing calamities and monsters upon your world can't be much better...even if it was to save your family.

Tyrone Pines becomes the mot hated man on earth to keep his loved ones safe. So now he must send his beloved children away to save them...can Equestria handle the Pines Twins? Tyrone X Wendy, Dipper X many, Mable X Many.

Published 2018-05-14 11:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-07 11:20:57 UTC

Chapter 1

Author's Note

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...

...

https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963

Above is a link to amazon for my book

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966

Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book

https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898

Above is a link to Xilbris for my book

https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373

Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/

Above is a link to my Linkedin account

https://thecowardlychristian.tumblr.com/

Above is a link to my Tumblr account

https://www.facebook.com/dakota.umlauf.90

Above is a link to my facebook account

https://www.patreon.com/TheCowardlyChristian?alert=2

Above is a link to my Patreon account

.......

If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911

...

...

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Publish a chapter of my 'Shake up the Falls' Challenge before anyone else and I'll update the next chapter this plus two other stories!

Love me, flame me, review me

Chapter 1

WANTED: TYRONE PINES- But who cares?

...

...Deep within the Bavarian mountains...

..And mad king Ludvig would invite guests into Castle Linderhoff where they would fall victim to dozens of his lethal traps." Explains the guide as the archeological group walks through the ancient castle.

"Rude." Snarked a university student.

Jackie Chan- the team leader -chuckled, "That's why his name wasn't 'lovable king ludvig' or 'beloved neighborly king of Bavaria'."

Suddenly Jackie stopped the group in it's path, "Stand back." He instructs, he then points out a tripwire with a special spray bottle.

The university just shrugs, "Ah, come on. What are the odds theses traps still wor- Jackie stops him in his tracks, plucks his hat off his head and drops it on the tripwire-

CRUNCH!

The trap snapped shut and flattened the hat. He then gives the hat back to the startled student. They walk on until Jackie uses a skull statue to find a hidden latch to open a secret door.

Once lit, the torches illuminated a vast treasure room. "Ludvigs' lost treasure." Said the guide amazed.

Jackie nodded, "The treasure is probably booby-trapped, So it's important we don't-

The university Student yanks out a golden pole.

-Touch anything." Finishes an exasperated Jackie. The room starts to shake and the entrance begins to close, Jackie uses a spear to keep the door open to allow the others to get through...but it snaps and closes before he can get through...

Suddenly multiple arrows start to shoot at him! "BAD DAY!BAD DAY! BAD DAY! BAD DAY!BAD DAY!BAD DAY!BAD DAY!BAD DAY!BAD DAY!BAD DAY! BAD DAY! BAD DAY!BAD DAY!BAD DAY!BAD DAY!BAD DAY!" Shouts Jackie as he dodges them all.

Jackie grabs a shield to deflect them all, he then jumps through a nearby hole on the ceiling, he then slides on the shield through the small tunnel, out of the castle and down the mountain back to the group...

Jackie Chan, master archeologist/martial artist/reluctant hero. In many universes he would go on to be a great hero, saving the world from many dangers and keeping the darkness at bay...

Jackie sighs as he turns to the group, "Snowboarding works a lot better with sn-

"Forgive me."

BANG!

-This was not that universe...

Jackie Chan looked down shocked at the large hole in his stomach...right before he keeled over...dead to the world...

The group screamed as the strange gunman walked over, grabbed the shield and walked away without a word.

...many weeks later...

The man hands all 12 Talismans over to Valmont, "You have yet to explain why your doing this or what your reward should be." Asked Valmont.

"I want nothing from you, my 'reward'...will be given by someone else." Without a word...he leaves the Dark Hands lair...

...

CHINA DESTROYED!

ARMY OF DRAGONS KILLS ENTIRE POPULATION!

With a heavy yet resolute heart, the stranger throws the newspaper carrying the grim headline into a waste basket... He then wander through Tibet...to a certain hidden chamber...where a certain Box lies...

...

The weary man uses the Pan'ku Box to open the first demon portal at An island in Tokyo Bay, Japan. "Well...this is unexpected." Said the Demon sorceress Po Kong. She turns to the human she apparently owed her freedom to. "So...what do I owe you handsome?" She asked with a smirk.

"My 'pay' is already arranged...Tell your siblings to expect me soon."

He then zaps the fading demon portal with an odd stone, destroying it permanently so she couldn't be banished back and then leaves...

... Hollowlands Prison, in Colorado's Black Forest...

It was much easier to break into the prison then you'd expect, the recent calamities in the Orient had caused the various world governments to divert funds and resources from all non-military and non-research projects, including a strictly domestic criminal prison...besides, no one ever expected people to break IN to a prison...

And Xiao Fung's rampage was all the distraction the stranger needed to slip back out of the prison and into the night undetected...

...Megagalactic Studios in Hollywood, California...

"I'm firing the special effects division!" Shouts Larry Franklin as Tchang Zu lays waste to his studio, his trailer, his mansion...and his car!

He then turns toward the stranger, "You'll never work in this town again!" He shouts angrily.

"Good." States the stranger as he walks off into the sunset...Hollywood burning to the ground around him...

...the moon...

The stranger sighed as he pointed Tso Lan toward the lunar surface, "Go nuts." He said in a weary, defeated tone...

...The countryside of Pamplona, Spain...

The stranger was forced to use a boat to get to the portal location as most of the countryside was now flooded thanks to the missing moon now causing the tides to go all screwy...

The stranger silently hoped that Dai Gui would drown...so naturally he did NOT...story of his life...

...Fenway Park, Boston...

It was easy to sneak into the stadium...there were no more games...not since marshal law was declared...not that it would've mattered, everyone was too busy hunkering in bunkers or refuge camps to even think about Baseball anymore...

Hsi Wu came out of the girls bathroom... So many jokes went through the strangers head...but he just kept silent...he was in no mood for laughter...

...?...

An infant pink filly started to cry...

...Roman Coliseum...

"My...(sigh) 'employer' wants me to inform you that your empire of Atlantis is now nothing but rubble...he asks me to recommend using the San Fransisco fault line to build a new kingdom...here's a map."

The demoness chuckled, "Thank you kindly..."

...several universe over...

"AT LAST! I HAVE ALL 12-

YOINK!

Shouts a disembodied voice as it opens a inter-dimensional portal and snatches all the alternate talismans from an alternate Shendu...who then curses up a storm...

...?...

"So...your going to give me a secondary set of Shendu's talismans...an incapacitated chosen one, an incapacitated Santa Claus, AND the idol of the Three Wise Monkeys? Just like that? ...you'll forgive me if I'm not suspicious." Said Daolon Wong Suspiciously...

The stranger groaned, he hated this. He looked over to the unconscious embodiment of holiday cheer and the unconscious little Chinese girl. Thankfully, draining their chi won't kill them...he'd had his fill of killing good people after Mr. Chan...the only reason he went along with that because his 'employer' refused to budge on it. It was the one and only 'kill' he made certain was part of the deal...

Finally, he was able to convince Wong it wasn't a trick...and be forced to watch as Wong's power became the equal of a demon...

The stranger drove the two unconscious people to the nearest refugee camp...the next day would bring nothing but sobbing as Christmas was effectively canceled...

...Antarctica...

"Why did I have to bring them here?" Thinks the stranger annoyed as he followed his employers bizarre instructions. He threw the Hanafuda cards into the fire...he then brings out all 9 Oni masks and brings them together...freeing them from their confines, and waking Tarakudo's spirit from the Shadow realm.

The stranger sighed, "Alright...here's a potion that'll make it impossible to turn you all into masks again." He explains...

...Washington D.C...

It was a war zone...the entire planet was filled with fighting as all three factions(four if you counted the enslaved and tormented humanity caught in the middle) battled for supremacy...so naturally his employer wanted to bring ANOTHER player to the game board.

"Stop gawking and give me the power!" Snaps Drago, "Let me guess...were just going to ignore the fact that you being here is an impossible temporal paradox/plot hole?" Thinks the stranger wearily as he gives Drago all the demon Chi items...

...Gravity Falls...

"Well...at least he can't escape." Thinks the stranger as he Watches the newly freed Bill Cipher as he fails to break free of the weirdness bubble surrounding Gravity Falls...

...?...

"Alright...I've done all you ask, now your part of the deal!" Insists the stranger.

The eldritch abomination known as slenderman(somehow) smirked. "Indeed...as promised; your wife returned to you."

Wendy pines suddenly appeared in the room unharmed, "TYRONE!" She shouts happily as she runs over to hug her husband Tyrone Pines. The couple cries, happy to be reunited.

"And of course your beautiful, infant twin children; Dipper and Mable will be kept safe."

He snaps his fingers...but they do not appear. "WHERE ARE THEY?!" Barked both parents.

"As promised...they'll be 'kept safe' -Oh, did you think that meant I'd send them back to you?" He laughs, "Hardly, have you seen your planet lately? Total death trap! ...You saw to that Tyrone."

Both parents scream in rage as they try to throw themselves at the monster who had ruined the lives of so many...but with a snap of his finger, they find themselves frozen in mid-air.

"Temper, Temper, Temper, Temper. Like I said, their safe...for now. I never said how long I'd keep them safe after all..."

But the monster claps his hands and makes two boxes appear before him(one red, one black.). "But enough dire talk! You deserve a reward for all your hard work! And my reward is this: a choice between a blessing(points to red box) or a curse(points to black box). "Pretty self-explanatory really. But know this, the box you DON'T choose will go to your kids."

Tyrone glared, "Obviously I pick the curse, you jerk!" He snarled angrily.

Slenderman rubbed his hands together, "Excellent choice! You've won an all expense free trip to the top of everyone's frak list! This curse will make sure that everyone on the planet will know that YOU are responsible for these hard times!" He opens the black box and black smoke flies from it and envelops Tyrone.

"And as for your kids, a gift...a gift of many, a gift of 'rite of passage'. For the first 12 birthdays of their life, their birthday wish will come true! However, they will shall remain oblivious to this connection- wouldn't want to make things TOO easy after all?" Opens the red box and out pours a red mist that flies off into the sky... "We'll enjoy your post-apocalyptic wasteland! Toodles!" And with that...he was gone...leaving two sobbing parents alone...wondering of the fate of their children...

...Equestria, Canterlot...

"Well...that's unexpected." Says Night Light out loud as he finds two sobbing earth pony new-born's on his door step(one blue and one rainbow) as he was getting his morning paper. Not knowing what else to do, he brings them in to his wife Twilight Velvet, his teenage son Shining armor and his little filly of a daughter Twilight Sparkle...

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

Chapter 2

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.